I've struggled with ED since I was 6, and I'm 45 now. I was diagnosed with mouth cancer this summer and everyone saw my very noticeable weight loss and told me it was such a "silver lining" to my cancer. A silver lining. To cancer. Spectacular. So yeah, my anorexia was like "huh, is this an invite back in?" so yeah, my ED is back at the worst time possible. ANYWAY, this was so painfully needed for me to see, and I cannot thank you enough for making it even though it hurt so much.
oof I literally recoiled from cringe at what people have said to you god that’s awful People can be just the worst sometimes may you have a healthy and speedy recovery
*hug* I'm sorry. Please do what you can to help yourself where you can, and lean on those around you who aren't trying to find 'silver linings' in nearly dying that involve vanity.
Ugh, I'm sorry. I had this one coworker who explained the incredibly stressful family/home situation he was in at the time and how it was causing a lot of stress weight loss and my other coworker was like "well at least you're losing weight (:" Yes, as mildred mentions, there is correlation between the activities associated with weight loss and health, but as much as people will tell you it's about exercise, comments like this and those made to you about your cancer show that weight loss in of itself is seen as the real virtue. Even if several undeniable unhealthy things lead to your weight loss, well obviously that weight loss must still itself somehow actually be good and healthy.
Oh my sweet girl, you are beautiful inside and out 🌼 keep fighting the good fight for your cancer and your ED I know you can do it. I've never had cancer but I have had ED and came out on the other side. You can do it have hope 🌻 keep your head up. You'll be in my thoughts 💜
@@footballdesk4417 I don’t know whether you are trolling or not, but in this case it’s problems with eating (youtube censors it sometimes - like eating d..order)
this is exactly why it's mad to me that people think that BULLYING is somehow gonna be like a "corrective" measure to "help" ppl lose weight. like, everyone is already bullying themselves. society is bullying them. wtf makes them think that THEIR bullying is gonna motivate weight loss...talk about a lack of empathy when ppl think their rudeness will help
I highly doubt anyone who says that about their own bullying behaviour genuinely thinks they're doing good. They're just justifying their meaningless actions and thoughts under the guise of motivating. Scum usually knows it's scum, but it will act like it's necessary.
The Protestant ethic that governs this society says the only way to deal with people who don't conform to the pernicious social norms is to berate and degrade them. This any problem, no matter how vast and widespread, has to be treated as a series of personal failure(since systemic criticism isn't allowed).
So much this. Like they expect that THEIR comment is gonna make us, for the first time ever, look at our own body that we've lived with all our lives and say "Whillikers, I AM fat. I'll fix that immediately!" Ironically, I'm quite sure that a lot of why I'm 50 lbs over the arbitrary BMI standard is because disordered eating from people making comments when I was only ten over it really fucked up my metabolism, and my bod wants to make sure to store fat in case we go into starvation mode again.
The crazy thing is, I've had ACTUAL PEOPLE make the argument to me that "bullying is good, actually" for this exact reason, but unrelated to weight. It was just as insane then. Something about bullying people to change their mannerisms because *somehow* that's supposed to make them more popular or some shit. Turns out, it was autism. I'm just autistic and they're just assholes.
When I first got colitis, I lost 100lbs in a semester of college. The doctor literally dismissed my issues as things that were probably about to sort themselves out now that I lost the weight overlooking the minor fact that losing 100lbs in a semester without any change to diet or exercise MIGHT BE A RED FLAG. Fatphobia kills.
As someone with Crohn's Disease, your experience is especially heartbreaking to hear. I hope you've been getting much more compassionate and effective treatment now.
This. I even struggle to pick just one example from my life, because it happened several times that I've lost large amounts of weight in short time due to something being massively wrong, but all of the healthcare professionals were just happy to see I was finally losing weight. It took many months each time to convince them to check properly. I am terrified of having an actually acutely life-threatening condition some time, because those idle months could kill...
I’m so happy to have a few extra pounds right now, so that when I have to prep for tri-yearly colonoscopy for my Colitis or-humanity forbid-have a flare up, the feeling of dying is greatly reduced. Thanks extra pounds, you’re so appreciated!
yeah I got colitis in 2016 and it took 4 months to diagnose it basically was too painful to eat anything so I lost so much weight I ended up in more pain via my organs. Didn't even realise I effectively had an ED for several months.
People who are afraid to say "fat" but use medicalizing, implioed-negative terms like "overweight" and "obese" remind me of the scene in the Office where Steve Carrell is like "Is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you'd prefer we use?" Anyway, thank you for making this video and using such a personal story to speak to a larger topic that's kind of a blind spot for a lot of us leftists. Insightful and hilarious as always Mildred!
The medical industry really loves being in bed with capitalism to make us all feel bad so we'll buy more stuff. I do have a funny problem where my brain gets fixated on the strangeness of calling someone fat. Like we all HAVE fat, but we've just decided that this is the primary characteristic for some people's appearance. Maybe my brain is just broken. Love your videos Goblin.
i hate when you say you're fat, because its an objective fact, but people try to backpedal and shit - they plead; you're not fat! yes i am. you're bEaUtIfUl! bitch, i didnt say i was ugly - i said i was fucking fat. they think fat is ugly so they're desperate not to let me feel bad about accepting an objective fact about my ass
I’ve just always been afraid to use the word “fat” because I’ve personally seen it weaponized and hurt a lot of people. It was agreed to be one of the worst non-curse words you could be called when I was a kid. In my personal experience, it’s always had an insulting connotation; it’s the word I have only ever used to describe myself when I am feeling my worst. As someone with a medium build, I don’t really feel comfortable using it to describe other people.
i feel like its the same thing as using 'female' instead of woman. like...sure. in some contexts it makes sense, but in casual conversation one is uh. preferable.
"I was just a fat person who was thin" is so exactly correct. I remember having lost 40 pounds in college running ~5 miles a day and barely eating. After putting on too-small-clothes that I bought before losing the weight, that I told myself were the goal, I realized I had dragged that mindset all the way down the scale because everything I bought was already too *loose* and I still wasn't happy. It's hard not to feel trapped inside yourself sometimes.
"Body dysmorphia really feeds into gender dysmorphia until it just becomes too painful to remember that I look like anything at all." Damn that hit hard. I think it's why my transition goals have always kind of boiled down to becoming some vague, abstract thing without physical form. I don't think my "true self" looks like anything. HRT helped a lot but I still don't know who the person in the mirror is.
I feel the same way. My ideal gender is a sentient pile of sludge. I have been able to come into my fatness more with the gay fat positivity movement surrounding the bear label, but I still find myself having internalized fatphobic thoughts or feeling very dysmorphic. It's a long battle, but we'll get to the better side eventually!
Yes, I'm definitely in this situation too. In fact, my dysmorphia has always been so strong that it kept me from recognizing my _dysphoria_ for what it was -- I mean, hating my body was just hating my body, right? -- until I was in my fucking 40s. Right now my ideal would be like an Ent. Or maybe just a big cardboard box.
I've always felt like this but in the opposite order. My gender dysphoria caused my body dysmorphia. Essentially my brain was so desperate to look at myself and say "this isn't so bad right?" that it turned into a habitual self delusion to the point of no longer having a consistent self image. I needed that delusion to not fall into a hopeless suicidal depression, but it caused my own reflection to become entirely malleable depending upon my mood. The shifts in my self image became so much of the norm that it left me with doubts no matter what I saw in the mirror. On my good days I'd be reminded that whatever I see could just be in my head, and on my bad ...well that just felt like confirmation that my eyes were lying to me whenever I wasn't feeling as low. I feel like this is one of the main reasons why it's *so* important to support transitioning during puberty. Once your body starts to change, it only becomes increasingly difficult to unsee those changes as time goes on, which can leave people with a lot of lingering mental distress even after addressing the causes of physical dysphoria.
I'm currently disabled. Before I became disabled, I was about as fit as it's possible to be. But due to a combination of unfortunate genetics, adverse childhood events, and plain bad luck, I had quite a few "fat person" problems: sleep apnoea, joint problems, acid reflux. The doctors I found to help me manage those conditions were incredibly helpful and nice. Then I got my current disabling chronic illness which essentially stopped me exercising at all. On a bad day even walking can put me in bed for a week. I'd been super active, and it took me a while to get used to the literal halving of my calorie needs, so naturally I gained some weight. Just enough to be noticeable. The very same doctors who'd been so helpful now kept banging on this one thing: lose weight. Same conditions with the same causes, but now that I was 20-30lb heavier (I refuse to keep close track) it was because of that.
You're not alone. As someone that was hospital level anorexic, being in my mid 30s and unable to even go for a walk alone, I spend a lot of time wishing I was unalive. Sending you so much love xx
@@kayachaos2509 please know that you are ever so much more interesting than a number value. What are your hobbies? Do you like catching crickets? Have you ever baked someone a cake and watched the frosting drip off because you didn’t know you have to cool it first? When was the last time you went swimming? How high can you stack nickels? You are a million stories.
Yeah I have POTS and EDS and can't exercise much. Some meds I started last year increased my appetite (which was previously almost nonexistent) and I've gained 10lbs or so and really hope my dr doesn't care. He's generally pretty good though, so willing to refer me to specialists or try out different meds
Anyway yeah I know the feeling about becoming very disabled and needing to be very careful with exercise. It sucks, and I hope you have people in your life who are understanding and willing to adapt their plans to accomodate you and do things together with you that are accessible
"Your body is beautiful, if for no other reason than because it is the mechanism that allows you to exist in the world." Literally crying here Milthew, thank you for this. I have severe body dysmorphia, PCOS, permanent damage done to my body from literal decades of bulimia, and lipedema. Your message here is on par with my "will to live" fuel song by Nightwish, "The Greatest Show on Earth" - a song about how *amazing* the phenomenon of living things actually is, how beautiful it is, all of it, and how goddamn lucky we ALL are for getting to experience it. Thank you for reminding me that my body is the magical mechanism that allows me to check out this gorgeous universe and all the beautiful beings - like you - within it.
@@alisaurus4224 especially the one where Richard Dawkins shows up...watching a packed metal concert full of people staring in stunned reverence while an evolutionary biologist tells them about "endless forms most beautiful, and most wonderful" gives me hope for humanity
Sometimes I like to remember we're soggy pudding with electricity in it piloting an out of control flesh mech suit filled with all sorts of strange fluids that is constantly battling entropy and somehow this ridiculous comedy of errors can survive for decades and not the few hours the whole loony idea sounds like it would on paper. It's absolutely astounding that this extremely complex insanity can not only walk around and do stuff, but understand things like physics well enough to go into space and invent the internet - which is just different electricity inside smart sand. It sometimes feels like we're all getting away with something that really shouldn't be possible, and I kinda love it.
"It wouldn't be enough just to lose weight, I've done that before...and I was just a fat person who was thin." God that hit me like a ton of bricks. Thank you so much for such a great, honest video. Your story is so relatable to me. I also grew up the fat kid. Nobody expected me to be fit. Nobody thought I could. Nobody particularly cared. And like you, in my college years, I lost weight. A LOT of weight. 120 pounds in 18 months. I discovered the same magical trick you did: walk a lot and EAT NOTHING. Your anecdotes on counting calories, inching those numbers lower and lower, the intoxicating feeling of control over seeing the scale move while barely functioning on a physical level. It felt so empowering...while also feeding the constant negative thought spiral in my head constantly reminding me that "I'm not good enough." Nobody ever confronted me or told me I had a problem, even after growing dangerously underweight. I remember going to the doctor's office for a check up. He congratulated me on my weight loss and told me that "I can lose more if I want to" because "my BMI is fine." Again you hit the nail on the head: BMI is bullshit and a low 20s BMI is actually terrible for someone who is extremely tall with a large frame, like me. I was at least 30 lbs underweight and a voice in my head was begging him to say something was wrong. He didnt. Then, at the doctor's office I got some blood work done. The moment I stood up I immediately collapsed. They installed an event monitor on me to check my heart for arrhythmia. I'd been starving myself for so long my heart began to atrophy. But nobody ever suggested I had Anorexia. Anyway, I eventually recovered, achieved a healthy weight. But looking myself in the mirror is still a daily struggle. But videos like these make it easier. Make me think, make me laugh, make me smile. Thanks a ton. Love your channel.
I got a sleep apnea test, and the results were "You definitely have it, but you're juuuuuuuuust below the line where we decided we can do anything. So........ goodbye!" They showed me on a chart and everything that I was just below that line.
I can't sleep flat on my back. If I do, as I fall asleep something in the back of my throat flutters and I jerk awake as my body hits "I can't breathe" panic mode. I've never been tested for sleep apnea. But. Well.
So... I might sound like an asshole. I hope not cause it's not my intention. But people on Canada and other parts of the world don't get the machine for free? I mean, my mom has one and it was instantly delivered when needed. Same with a friend which needed an intervention for sleep apnea. I don't know, I think it was the world standard. Sleep Apnea can get pretty nasty if leaved be
@@leothelion5035 You can get it for free if you have a private insurance plan through your job that covers it. If you don't you have to pay out of pocket. That has been my experience.
'Fear of a Black Body' is a good book I recommend it. One thing that worked for me to accept myself was to draw myself nude. I 'm an illustrator, since you draw, you might get it. It was breaking myself down into shapes and curves that really changed my way of thinking about my body. It was revolutionary.
Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll add Ernest Becker's "Denial of Death" (a reading heavily influenced by Kierkegaard and Rant) regarding the terrible absurdity of existence, and Terry Real's "I don't want to talk about it" for "stealth male depression" that really opened my eyes and helped me put words to lots of my feelings, which may apply to any gender.
Hey kinda same here! I had anorexia really bad in the beginning of hs and was kinda forced into recovery by my family. I went to an arts high and we had live nude drawing classes with models of all shapes and sizes and genders, and the process of finding the beauty in all those different forms really turned my recovery from a daily struggle into a joyous regular exercise in noticing my own body’s beauty as it became healthier. Now I’m about 5 years past recovery/weight restoration n recently hit my highest weight ever, and was pleasantly surprised to find it didn’t upset me at all like it would’ve back then. Art really saves
"I don't believe that. I live as though I believe it, but it's against all my principles" was the equivalent of a bucket of cold water for me. I do the exact same, talk a big game about how other people's fat is valid while hating mine.
It's amazing how I extend the grace and compassion to other people but I have still hold myself to expectations that I know are unfair. I would never even look at a bigger person and think at all about their weight unless it was pertinent to something, but that is the first thing I think about myself every time I see myself.
I just went here to comment/quote that one, because its a problem that comes up for me a lot and its ... at least somehow comforting to know that I'm not the only one. its hard to overcome believes so internalised that they influence you, even though you don't consciously believe them anymore....
@@Zero11zero1zero could it be because you internalize what others *might* think of you? Sort of like internalized fatphobia? I had a period where I had a noticeable beergut and I was very self-conscious about it. But... many people have one. I don't pay attention to, let alone judge, other people's guts. So why mine? I think because I am/was afraid other people would judge me? Fuck if I know
@@SMPKarma I think it may stem from how our brains evolved to jab at us with the bad chemicals whenever we do or say something that could harm or upset a member of our group/tribe, potentially leading to exile from the group/tribe and, back in the day, at least, leaving us unable to survive without the support of our group/tribe. That sort of open criticism could result in literal death not all that long ago in our history. We can criticize ourselves as harshly as we want but we're kinda stuck with us. Can't really exile your own brain for being a titwaffle. Being harsh with oneself was likely selected for, also, since it led people to overwork to contribute more and fit the status quo better, boosting one's standing within the group. Unfortunately, evolution is slow as balls and we're *REALLY* not built for the environments and routines we've constructed for ourselves. I'm personally hoping for the technology to replace my shambling meathusk with something a bit less gooey some time before it's time for my dirt nap.
Sometimes the only way I can advocate for myself is to literally PRETEND I am someone else, bc OTHER PEOPLE deserve basic needs/rights fulfilment & compassion. It's a struggle.
the other day I said "I'm so tired of hating myself just so other people can enjoy looking at me" and it was like putting down a big bag of rocks I didn't know I was carrying and wasn't mine in the first place
This year I had to go to the kinesiologist. One session I was in the room with another person, and she said to him "this hurts because I'm fat" and he said to her: "even if it's true, you still need pain management". I went home and cried because I never heard one person working on medical services being so compassionate. It can be done, it's just that doctors don't want to, because it's easier to shame fatness instead of doing their fucking job.
I often say doctors think fat bodies are unfasionable because it highlights it's unscientific and they're going to change their perception on the ideal body as that changes socially again. They need to learn to separate their personal preferences from their damn job.
I was a skinny kid, fat teenager (hmm maybe hormones have something to do with weight?), "skinny" (as far as like, actual human beings concerned for my health thought, but technically a few pounds overweight according to BMI) in college because I couldn't afford food and had to walk a lot carrying heavy school bags everywhere and other physical activities on top of that but mostly because I couldn't afford food, and then slowly started gaining weight again once I was no longer literally starving, and knew that being able to eat and being chubby was more healthy than literally starving and being "skinny" but still technically slightly overweight so I just tried to be kind to myself about not hating on my appearance too much. Then like a decade later I could afford to actually see a doctor regularly, and the only thing they ever talk about is my weight, and no matter what diet I eat or or how much exercise I get they'll always identify something that I could be improving because of fucking course it's always possible to work out harder or eat even better no matter what you're doing (although at one point one doctor suggested that maybe the problem was that I ate too little... and then at my next annual checkup told me to eat less again). And now I have a very unhealthy fixation on my weight and cannot think of my next upcoming annual physical without fantasizing about challenging every fucker in that office to a fight to the death because fat though I may be I can crush your fucking skull in my bare hands and then throw your limp corpse at the next challenger and in the end, isn't that what "fitness" is really about? Survival of the fittest, right? So come on you fat shaming motherfuckers, you think you're in such better shape put your fucking life on the line and see how long you last.
Multiply marginalized, born multiply Disabled person here… The medical community is DEEPLY Fatmisic and Ableist. I have Ehlers Danlos (one of my rare disorders) and traditional exercise is literally harmful to my body. I cannot tell you how many doctors have told me to do things that are counter indicated to my physiology to lose weight, because apparently being thin is more important than being healthy.
@@Pfhorrest Woah that took a dark turn at the end. I hope the video gave you constructive talking points you can actually bring up, so you don't have to feel that way.
When my anorexia was most severe I was getting tons of compliments about how little and cute I was. According to close friends and family I was starting to look skeletal.
Until very very recently, I have lived my entire life as a fat person. I am no longer fat. Not by my choice, or my efforts, but by life altering emotional pain. Going through that devastating pain while at the same time hearing, "Oh my god, you look GREAT! You've lost so much weight!" made things nearly unbearable. I've lost 90lbs since early February of this year, and I am getting used to this new body. But having internalized the fatness and worked really hard to accept it (no, really love it) my entire life, the strange lack of "me-ness" in the mirror when I was trying so hard to stay me under yoke the pain, made it even worse. I guess my point is, if you see someone who is going through a drastic weight change, please don't comment. It could be illness (mine wasn't, I went to the doctor several times to make sure though I experienced a surprising lack of concern on the part of each provider), or it could just be the worst stretch of life someone has lived taking something else from them they didn't even think was possible to have taken -- their hard-won identity. Edit- 5'4" 2/1/22 260lbs, now 170 or thereabouts. I only bought a scale because of how fast it was happening, as well. I've evened out and have stayed about my current weight for about the last 3 months, so I think it's over at least.
Jesus this one hit me. I had the same thing. Went through a really tough time. Couldn't sleep, wasn't interested in food, dropped a lot of weight. Family members who knew what was happening told me I looked great. Some people are amazing, but being family doesn't stop some people from being pretty horrible.
@@shraka same here, i went through a mental health crisis, i wasn't hungry so i ate little to nothing for days at a time, and had people telling me "did you lose weight? you look great!!" and when i told my losing weight wasn't actually healthy.. the answer, like it's always been in my experience, was something like but you feel good about it, right? 😤
I started losing weight last year fairly rapidly because my cat died, so I stopped eating from grief. I made sure to point out to anyone who complemented my weight loss that A) This is the result of unhealthy grieving and is not a sustainable or safe way to lose weight and B) I will almost certainly gain some or all of the weight back once I start, you know, eating regularly again. It's been about 2 years since my cat died, and I have indeed gained back some, but not all, of the weight I lost. I was also still carrying weight from pregnancy/breastfeeding, which might have been coming off naturally around that time anyway, since I recently weaned. My mother went thru a similar rapid weight loss when her marriage ended. She also gained back the weight eventually (partly because she used one of the ketosis-inducing diets, which are inherently unhealthy and unsustainable.) And she still tortures herself mentally about having to "lose the weight." I think she's been trying to "lose the weight" her entire life (she did Jenny Craig multiple times), and failed every time but one. So yeah, grief does things to people.
@@Kestra84 I've successfully lost weight three times in my life, and I've come to the conclusion that "weight loss" is a terrible objective that drives bad behaviour, at least for me. Having the target of being a bit healthier is far far better. I eat a little better, especially finding healthier foods I really like eating. I try to sleep more and stress less, prioritising things that make me feel better, and trying to cut out things and commitments that stress me out. I walk a bit more, parking my car further away or taking PT instead, I find out what I can comfortably lift at the gym and just try to go regularly.
Im v much a hetero cis white dude who likes being "manly" and your videos have ALWAYS been a huge source of joy and knowledge and introspection for me. So thoughtful, genuine. I rarely comment on youtube but just wanted to say I love you, you're doing amazing things.
SO many great point in this. Just a few "yes ands": - doctors are terrible at telling when abundant body fat is *causing* a medical condition vs when it is a *symptom* of another medical condition. If I had a penny for every person I know who found that out the hard way, I'd be rich! From personal experience with PCOS, if your doctor insists the answer to your unexplained weight gain is to lose weight, or (as in my case) to just exercise more (umm... I'm literally a professional aerobics instructor, so lack of movement was not the cause, hun) demand they document their exact diagnosis in your file. Doing this generally makes them reconsider what they've said and more willing to order tests or prescribe meds that'll have an effect rather than just blame everything on weight. - Everything said in this video about exercise is the bad shit taught in school phys ed that we didn't know how to analyse or didn't have the language or clout to question when we were kids. I work in community recreation fitness centres. No exaggeration, I estimate 70% of my interactions with new clients is un-teaching the bad curriculum & pedagogy of school PE teachers. We have a massive problem here in Canada that the government and the sport industry are convinced they are THE answer to low fitness levels in Canadians (I expect this is similar elsewhere too). It is not. So if you need to hear this, here it is.... Sport is NOT fitness. School phys ed is geared to teach sport skills for the sake of winning (you may have been lucky to have a teacher who didn't do this, but that's rare), not teaching you exercise knowledge & skills for life. Plus, it is all about grades, cuz school. Learning to exercise shouldn't be graded, it should be learning for learning sake, but school PE ruins that. - If your workouts are causing pain, you're going too hard. School PE taught us we all have to meet the standard the teacher demands, but that's not how exercise works. It needs to be challenging, but achievable. Again, school PE ruins that for most people. You should only be increasing the intensity of a workout when they intensity you started with no longer has any challenge, NOT when a teacher or trainer decides you "should" be at a new benchmark. - And finally, media is just as bad as school phys ed for teaching bad shit. I am constantly told I 'can't' be a fitness instructor because I'm too fat/old/short, etc, because people think all fitness instructors look like the celebs on the DVD informercials. In real life, we don't. Corporate gyms won't hire someone who looks like me, but community gyms where we're not stealing your money with the promise of flat abs are much more realistic.
I had an undiagnosed nerve problem causing atrophy as a kid and I can anecdotally confirm that being humiliated in front of my classmates by having me do a bunch of activities I could not physically do like push up and pull ups and then failing me when I couldn't do they things I was known to he unable to do (I say "known" but I shit you know the elemtary school people teacher told me to "stop pretending" when I wasn't able to do a push up) definitely put me off working out with other people or at all for like 20 years.
Our school PE teacher in Belgian did a baseline run in september and a test in januari. Grading was based on progress. Same with basketball. I went from 1 layup in 10 to 3 in ten and was graded on that +2. I got pretty good PE grades because of that.
@@wesleywyndam-pryce5305 i believe you Wesley, and I am so sorry you had to experience such poor quality teaching as that. That's unacceptable and unprofessional of any teacher. You're far from alone on this, PE teachers are notorious for this sort of thing. I had a vision impairment (later surgically corrected) that severely limited my ability to throw & catch accurately and I got called 'lazy' and the r-slur for that in PE. Honestly if I ever run into some of those old PE teachers I'll berate them in the town sqare!!
@@marlabeard5352 Yes!! The Canadian one is too. That is a great example of how we have forgotten the origin of a thing (or, it's been whitewashed & hidden from us ;) but once we find it out the whole thing makes a lot more sense, eh!
Every single line of this video spoke to me deeply, have struggled since childhood and developed BED/bulimia in teens/20s which was dismissed as “guys don’t get eating disorders only skinny girls” weight has fluctuated massively, you said all the things I need to tell myself but can’t bring myself to, it means a lot to know I’m not alone!
I was just recently diagnosed with BED and my expectation of my frequent appointments to a dietician were that we'd talk about my eating habits and ways to change them. Couldn't have been more wrong. We talk about stress relief. We talk about relationships. We talk about hobbies I used to have and loved but left for some reason, and ways to bring those enjoyments back into my life. We talk about what kind of mental health treatment would have the most immediate positive effect on my wellbeing. My dietician encouraged me to go see more metal concerts because I described the experience as uplifting. We honestly talk about everything but eating. Cause what's the point? If I'm already obsessed thinking about food, what good is focusing more on it going to do? It took me several days to finally feel confident enough to watch this video and I'm glad I did. Mildred, I feel you, and even though you won't read this I wish you well.
i need your dietitian. my last one suggested i do a strict mediterranean diet and when my motherinlaw complained we were already doing that and i explained i was doing a much stricter form of it with less of the starch, oil and minimum-nutrient veggies the dietitian suggested doing 'more' of it, like, i am already doing it how can i do =more= of doing it??? what is this supposed to accomplish???
@@technopoptart BED is binge-eating disorder, which to an uninformed reader might sound like my problem is that "I can't control my eating" and the solution to that would be to control my eating better, and it's precisely that way of thinking that leads to people sinking deeper and deeper into these disorders. Binging happens because I try to control my eating all the time, measuring everything and thinking of every treat as something I have to make up for later. The illusion of control by watching every calorie entering my body is what causes the episodes. The very FIRST thing I was told by my dietician was to stop dieting. More control will never cure an eating disorder. I can't believe what a piece of shit you had to work with - basically unqualified to interact with any patient ever. I hope you find someone better!
@@SkuddeOuo _nods_ ocd has a lot of overlap. the more you lean in to the compulsion the more intense it gets and the harder it is to stop so i really do understand how that would feel even if i cannot imagine a feeling of reward from doing it. for certain i am glad you had someone who understood the kind of person they were working with and treated you with the humanity and grace you need i do too but i have very low expectations. where i live there isnt enough people in the medical field to allow a lot of discretion in hiring
@@technopoptart That's a big shame. At least we have the internet so access to better information exists. Couldn't imagine living with this and being stuck relying on the immediate community around me.
Hi Mildred. I grew up as the skinny kid in my family. Everyone made a big deal about it, and all through high school I was lean, fit, and strong (thanks marching band and a teen metabolism). When I became an adult, I started gaining weight, and all of the sudden that praise vanished, and eventually turned to teasing. I picked up smoking in college as an appetite suppressant and to use the nicotine to keep my metabolism up because I too started only eating once a day if that. And still the weight kept creeping on, and because I wasn't working manual labor jobs anymore I started losing the strength underneath my dadbod physique. Fast forward to now. I'm 35, I recently went to the doctor for the first time in 18 years. I have cholesterol that is *almost* too high, an A1C that is also *almost* too high, a resting heart rate that is "on the upper end of things", and I too am a husky person. I went in seeking treatment for ADHD and walked out with a "hey go lose some weight" and a date with a sleep specialist i can't afford. I hate looking at myself, and I have a whole garage full of workout equipment including a very nice treadmill that just makes me depressed to look at. I don't have the time or energy to work out, and while I do cook/eat healthy I know it's not enough. All that being said, I do want to keep going, and I do want to get healthy again, and while it's been really hard to face the fact that I'll never fit into a medium T or be able to find more than one pair of jeans at Goodwill, I'm slowly learning to accept that if I'm healthy then its okay. Long ramble I know, but I wanted to thank you for putting out this video and being so vulnerable, because it makes folks like me feel seen, heard, and validated.
I get that feeling of "damn, I'm never going to be that small again." I think it's a kind of grief. It's okay for us to grieve for our past selves and the things we can't do anymore. You kind of have to acknowledge that in order to get past it. I keep having to buy pretty much all new clothes because of weight gain. At first it was really upsetting to me. But now I just try to focus on finding clothes that I like that fit well and are comfortable and flattering for the me that exists right now. I pretty much just donate/sell the old ones right away. I don't want them sitting around tricking me into hoping that I'll lose weight, when that probably won't happen and I'm finally okay with that now.
I would seriously consider selling your gym equipment if it means you can get treated for sleep apnea. Quality sleep will do way more for your health than exercise
@@drummachine5787 so as an update to this: so after realizing I had an HSA through my work insurance I had no idea about, I was able to see a sleep specialist and do a study. I was officially diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. As it turns out I stop breathing on average like 40 times an hour when I sleep and my O2 sat was dropping into the 60's. Hoping to get set up with a CPAP and have my issues with memory, metabolism, daytime hypersomnia, and brain fog clear up if I start sleeping like a normal person.
@@drummachine5787 yeah that's basically what the sleep tech said haha. I'm just waiting for them to find a place to get one from, I guess there's a backorder/shortage or something right now
But if I constantly instill and subject you to the idea you need to be skinny. I can sell you just SO much stuff you otherwise wouldn't even think to spend your few pennies on.
I see a lot of comments expressing how relatable this is. Speaking as one of the judgemental skinny ones who don't relate but REALLY needed to hear this, you have made me examine core beliefs that are very resistant to that sort of thing, and possibly made me a slightly better person. So that's a win. You're chalking up wins.
If you're interested, the Mainely Mandy and Zoe Bee links that Mildred put in the description are pretty good. And Sara of The Costume Codex has several good videos, including one on the Thor fat suit.
Good. I went through a similar mental transformation - feels pretty good once you're out the other side. BMI is bullshit and doctor's training around weight is bad. You can easily be chubby and fitter than a thin person. I wanna double down on something Mildred said: Weight doesn't normally cause a lack of health, they're just correlated - ie. an underlying condition causes the weight and the health issue. Trying to fix it by losing weight is almost always fighting an uphill battle just to cover up a symptom.
Oh Mildred. I just started watching and as a fellow fat person, I just want to say I appreciate your vulnerability on something that so frequently gets shoved under the rug. Hugs to you.
I’ve never heard anyone else say “when I see myself I don’t see someone that can be loved” thank you so much for sharing dude, makes people feel a little less alone out here.
I thought carefully before watching this video because my ED monster has been very vocal lately so I wanted to make sure I was truly in the right headspace. This video was so thoroughly therapeutic for me. I don’t know if you’re reading the comments, Mildred, but I just wanted you to know that. I cried at points and I had to pause once or twice, but like… that was a good thing? It’s hard to explain. But for me, one of the toughest things about living with this voice in my head is how alone I feel. I think to myself, “no one else is feeling this, no one else carries around this monster.” Hearing you give it a voice-the EXACT SAME DIALOGUE that plays in my head sometimes-I felt so seen. Like, it’s almost uncomfortable how accurate it is. It’s the same voice. It’s the same back-and-forth. It’s the same argument I have with that demon when shit gets bad (like it has been lately.) Like, how could you POSSIBLY know without being inside my head. I want to hug you. Or just sit with you in solidarity for a moment. I’m not alone. We’re not alone. Thinking that we’re alone is such a lie. I really how silly it is. My soul feels lighter somehow. Thank you. Seriously.
I was apprehensive as a fellow fat person, but I loved this video. I loved that you showed just what our anti-fat society does to our mental health and how fruitless it all is when it comes to improving our physical health. We're socialized from a very young age to hate fat people, including ourselves. I feel for you, although for me the external hate is what gets to me. I get so sad knowing how much better I would be treated if I was thin. No amount of self acceptance can change being dehumanized everywhere I go. It's exhausting.
While still kind of demeaning / stereotypical we used to have this positive image of the jolly kind fat person. Sort of a testament to capitalism trying to make everyone miserable that this has mostly vanished from societies standard rubric. You do you and don't let the bastards win.
Those last 7 minutes have me in tears. As someone who was overweight/obese since middle school, attempted multiple times to lose the weight, and faced all the ridicule for the last 20 years, I feel so seen, and validated. That was both cathartic and empowering while being hopeful af. Thank you Mildred 💜🙏
During lockdown I took a job stocking shelves at night and stopped eating, I usually ate only a small sandwich if I felt particularly weak. I did this in addition to strenuous running nearly every day. I went from being 200 pounds in April to being 140 by July. People asked me if I had cancer and my mom said I looked like a skeleton. The worst part of it all? I loved every second of being thin. It made me feel like I had some power over a time in my life that felt powerless. I realize now how incredibly unhealthy that was to do and how much damage I’ve likely done to my body. I felt this video way too hard as I realize I may have very well gotten back on my bullshit if it wasn’t for people like you helping me to feel ok with who I am
This was hard to watch but good because I forget other people go through this too I'll tell myself the good things I wanted to say to you during this difficult video
As someone who is plenty fatter than you, very much obese, the fact that we have basically identical life experiences and intrusive thoughts is kind of amazing.
Thank you. As someone who had repeat surgeries and gained a lot of weight, and REALLY struggled with it. Being a guy, I have to pretend like it’s just a “funny thing” and that I have a good sense of humor about it. I was underweight my whole like, but when I turned 30 it just felt like I couldn’t lose weight. I have never admitted to anyone but my wife that it has really been effecting my mental health, and I hate that I feel so weak.
I ran a sub 6 minute mile in 6th grade to "prove them wrong" and I passed out on my bike on the way home. I was in a 35 hour coma. Turns out I don't sweat and managed to cook my insides.
So I was watching this and thinking how strange it is that perfectly normally attractive people like Thoughtslime can feel this way when I am the one who should actually feel this way... and then I realized that I'm doing the exact thing he's talking about.
I love that line in the sand you drew was being compared to Graham Linehan. That was the moment the self-abuse went over the line. And it's true; physically or otherwise, NO ONE DESERVES THAT
Sorry to dig up a year old comment, but I actually had to look up who Graham Lineham was, and I honestly expected him to look worse. Just looks like an average middle-aged dude.
I'm overweight. i lost 100lbs for my wedding and it came right back but it was really liberating in a weird way. i was the most miserable i had ever been (140) but people were the nicest they had been to me in my life. i was mean and starved and angry all the time and people listened to me and cared about what i had to say and congratulated me for literally nothing. they gave me free gum, free drinks, my father said he was proud of me all the time. when i gained back the weight my head cleared and i felt better and stronger. i started just doing what i really wanted with my life. i still eat healthy but im always busting out of my jeans. when that happens i laugh. i really feel good that im alive to see my thirties. that i had courage to stop listening to people that didn't care about me including the assholes who make no sense that live in my head. i love not being 20. i love that I'm not expected by as many people to be hot or skinny or fashionable. try to kick that voice out of your head like that little boy kicked hitler out the window in Jojo rabbit. that voice is your own personal hitler and wants nothing good for you. imo
Mildred, I just wanna say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for making this video. I'm also trans, enby/salmacian/somethin around that line, and also a fat person. I always felt like my fatness contributed a lot to my gender dysphoria, that it ruined any possibility of me being able to be in my dream gender presentation. I always thought that I was the only one who felt that way (a little silly, I know), whose body issues with fatphobia and gender dysphoria collided, and it makes me feel more... seen, to know I'm not alone. I feel like there's hope for me, whether I lose weight or not, to be happy and comfortable in my own skin. Thank you for being here, being who you are, and helping silly little enbies like me feel less alone.
My fatphobia actually originated from my dysphoria because I didn't know why I felt horrible about my body changing and becoming more squishy/curvy and thought "maybe because squishy = fat and I'm scared of gaining fat?" And became obsessed with avoiding food and not gaining weight. It never made sense to me really, because I was average to underweight my whole childhood (because of undiagnosed food allergies which definitely contributed to my negative relationship with food), and because I didn't think anyone who I knew who was fat was any worse or even different from people I knew who werent. I just accepted that I hated fat on my own body and didn't realize it was different than that until my late teens when I started to figure out that I'm nonbinary and eventually stopped dissociating enough to notice the dysphoria and made the connection. But years of ED thinking are persistent, even when you realize the cause isn't related to weight at all. Starting T has increased my appetite and reduced dysphoria, but the increased appetite and muscle gain causing weight gain has been a struggle to process. Gender dysphoria and body + food issues are so difficult to untangle, especially when cultural ideas of what bodies look like for men and women and what is ideal for either can very easily link body shapes/traits with both gender and weight/fat. (Gender isn't binary, obviously I know that, I'm referring to the western cultural concepts of gender and beauty and health which are also all very White™️. Though that has changed a bit over the years as different traits have been fetishized in turn, and at least the heroin-chic look isn't considered ideal currently)
Anyway, solidarity. Idk if it's accessible to you, but I've found that some clothing and aesthetics make me feel more confident, myself, and gender euphoric, and it really helps me to think of my gender expression more in terms of outfits and hair rather than how my body looks. So when I take the time to dress in a way that makes me feel badass (because all of my ideal styles are alt to a degree) then I can feel euphoric and forget how I feel about the body under the clothes for a while. My partner is also nonbinary with a very different body type to me, and I've been trying to help them find clothing that makes them euphoric or at least feel like they're expressing their gender in a genuine way. And now they have a few clothing items that make them feel good and has realized that rather than any sort of masculine or feminine stereotypical style or aesthetic, they feel most euphoric when they dress up in clowncore looks. Which has been great, because you can make clowncore looks that fit any body and are anywhere from fem to masc to ??? gender-wise. (I also feel better when I compare my gender to non-human things like mothman and goblins instead of looking at other humans as presentation/gender goals. Helps a lot to feel like I'm working to present in ways that correlate to non-human things instead of working towards looking like humans and comparing my body to them)
Fighting your own brain (intrusive thoughts, memory playbacks, rumination on said thoughts) is so hard. It's as smart as you and knows all your arguments. Brains can be mean. And once you're good and stressed, they shoot you up with cortisol. It was really good to see you talk back to the devil representation. 🤘
Thank you for this video. I'm still in the middle of it, but I had to jump in with his comment after you spoke on the fact that the cardiovascular system can be fine even if you're fat. I'm very fat, and once a doctor who I had only seen once before looked at my test results for my cholesterol and decided she needed to put a qualifier on them. "*Surprisingly* your cholesterol is fine." It's been about 7 years and I still can't get over that that's what a doctor decided was an appropriate response to my blood work.
For several years, doctors kept telling me that my blood pressure was dangerously high, even though I didn't show any of the actual symptoms to be expected. It was only during a consultation for ADHD medication that anyone thought to check the measuring device. See, I'm well over six feet tall, and built solidly even before you factor in the fat, and no one had told me that I wasn't supposed to experience intense pain and then lose all feeling in my arm during a blood pressure test. Bringing out a larger cuff and fitting it properly revealed that my BP was well within the ideal range. Nobody that thought to check that before because they saw exactly what they expected.
Or that the default response to high cholesterol would be to blame you!! How insane is it to blame patients for their own health problems? The idea that people give themselves high cholesterol on purpose is ludicrous but the idea that shaming and bullying them will help them improve is even moreso.
@@snowpocalypse69 I had literally even emailed the doctor prior to my first appt with her specifying that I'm fat and would like shame free care and if she cannot offer that lmk and I would make an appointment with someone else. She completely dismissed my concern and then provided plenty of shaming (that wasn't the only rude ass thing she said to me). As a doctor you need to at the very least be *aware* of your biases.
I've had a lot of trouble with over exercising. I just watched a video from Jeff Nippard on how much exercise you need to do to make progress. Spoilers: It's not much. 30 minutes of weight training per week for health - and from personal experience you don't have to push it that hard either. If your issue is that you push yourself too hard then give up like Mildred, try just half arsing it for 10 minutes 2-3 times a week. It'll likely be way more effective than the media would have you believe.
My psychiatrist once suggested I get into running because, in his words, "I don't treat runners for depression." So I did. Gave it a shot for a long time, decided I hated running and settled on long daily walks with my dog. The walks are nice. The dog certainly enjoys them. But in retrospect, I wonder if his thinking was backwards. Maybe the kinds of people who are predisposed to liking running don't often get depression in the first place.
@hithere7080 I completely disagree with that to the extent I believe it is literally harmful to say. And think medical science also would also disagree. Depression is caused by your body chemistry. Being physically active has been proven to significantly change ones brain chemistry and I have found running extremely useful for overcoming depression and ADHD.
@@bradthunderpants3283 I disagree with your statement that "Depression is caused by your body chemistry." Depression is caused by a mix of factors, with body chemistry being just one of them. It's important to understand that the causes of depression and other mental disorders are complex and multifaceted, including genetic, environmental, psychological, and biochemical elements. Regarding physical activity, you correctly note that it can significantly change one's brain chemistry and help manage depression and ADHD. However, this does not necessarily contradict the idea that people who enjoy running might be less prone to depression in the first place. Regular exercise, including running, can indeed reduce the likelihood of developing psychological issues due to its numerous benefits. I strongly disagree with the statement "I don't treat runners for depression." Such a simplification from a psychiatrist is troubling. This statement completely overlooks the fact that someone definable as a "runner," who can maintain a consistent training routine, likely possesses a degree of mental stability and self-control-traits that depression severely undermines. The fact that you are gaining benefits from running comes both from your dedication to taking care of your body through running and from the physical activity itself. The idea that running alone can prevent or treat depression ignores the complex nature of mental health disorders. While physical activity is a valuable tool in managing depression, it is not a cure-all. People dealing with depression often struggle with motivation and consistency, making it difficult to adopt and stick to an exercise regimen. Moreover, each person's experience with depression is unique, requiring a multifaceted approach that includes therapy, medication, lifestyle changes (it's called lifestyle psychiatry), and support systems. To imply that runners are somehow immune to depression or that running is a guaranteed solution trivializes the experiences of those suffering from this condition and overlooks the need for comprehensive mental health care.
@@user-um7lx7yf4x you know since I have left this comment I have actually gotten further radicalized, and now just believe that chemichal imbalance neurochemistry depression probably only makes up like 1/100 of diagnoses. Now I think that depression is just a logical natural response to being forced to live in intolerably inhumane and unnatural conditions.
I relate to all of this video - but I am definitely "here" for the last 10 minutes. I hated my body for over 35 years, and I still struggle with all of the difficulties of having that self-loathing be a part of my history. Sometimes, I am still frustrated with my body, disgusted, or just displeased. I thought body positivity was the answer for a long time, because celebrating *other* fat folx was *easy*. Because I was able to look at them and find them attractive or appealing aesthetically - and I thought that was what was necessary to get rid of the feeling that my fatness made me unworthy. Because at the same time I was being told that I was worthless because I was fat, I was told that the only thing that made me valuable to society - particularly as a woman - was how I looked. And that meant the key to worthiness was through beauty, right? It took a major, life-altering breakdown, burnout, and reckoning to struggle through the dismantling of "beauty = value" and more specifically that "how attractive I am to men = value" (because, let's face it, that's what 'beauty' has meant for most of my life). I had find a new way to worthiness, and I'm still working on that part. So, I spend a lot of time reminding myself that my worth is inherent. I am worthy of love and belonging simply because I am human, I exist, and I am doing my best. Body positivity didn't work for me. Because it still felt like it was rooted in beauty and aesthetic. I guess the best representation of my feelings now is body neutrality. Loving my body didn't feel possible. But hating my body ... it's entirely unsustainable. Eventually, I got to the point where I realized, just like the last 10 min of this video, that the hate isn't doing anything for me and it's only tearing everything down as I build it. I wish the world would wake up to the fact that that's what shame does.
Protestant Jesus wants you be perpetually full of shame and self loathing. It makes you much more pliable. Usually that pliability was to make sure you follow the religion rules(and the various system of subjugation they will subject you to). In modern time they do that subjugation conditions AND want you to feel like shit so you feel compelled to buy a bunch of stuff you otherwise wouldn't even think to want.
My bulimia reached a point where I was outwardly decrying the fact that people kept telling me I looked healthier, but I was inwardly thrilled that my 3 month bout of direct long COVID made me lose 50 pounds. I'm STILL fixated on my weight today. I STILL think about it every day, now that I have regained the weight from COVID. And I STILL have all the bulimic impulses everyone thinks of as "healthy living" when I tell them about my lifestyle. "Oh, y'know, I walked everywhere, so about 20 miles a day or so? And I worked two jobs so I only had time to eat once a day. And then I got COVID, so y'know." People saying things like "Oh, I wish I was that HEALTHY." Hon... I have bulimia. Please don't be inspired by my obsessive compulsion to burn more calories than I take in, a mental math I consciously do while on a diet, but UNCONSCIOUSLY do even today. Ugh, and it runs so deep. It's even more than weight. When the doctors tell me I have "Athlete's arrythmia", a harmless heart arrythmia that comes from working out very often and very intensely, I feel PROUD. When they tell me that my blood pressure is always very low, and my blood sugar slightly on the low side, I feel PROUD even though I know that both contribute to long term health problems. And this is the first time I've typed all of this out, and I'm second guessing hitting enter, but I'm going to do it anyway.
the sad thing is that my takeaway from your experience is envy that covid made you lose weight. i never get sick and i stay fat. i eat healthy in daytime and binge in the night time. boulimia seems like a crutch to you, as it gives you a semblance of control, but go without it and chaos ensues.
@@chilanya No, not really. Lots of people do not have it and are not in chaos. Feeding someone's trollbrain isn't a kindness btw. Feelings of envy can distort reality, but let's be real: It's destructive, to you and to them, to envy that. It's NOT a good thing, and they know that, and you should know that. Something to bear in mind about the science of fat. Our bodies use fat to sequester toxins in the enviorment, they tested Althetes with the exact same lifestyle an diet matched a decade apart and the further in history we go the fatter people get with NO lifestyle difference. Because like literally every animal on Earth, our habitat affects us. Being fat is partly our bodies way of trying to help keep us from getting sick. I don't lose weight when I get sick either. I didn't lose much weight when I exercised for just about 8 hours a day for a year, and carefully controled my food. It was never enough. (I plateaued, and at a point where I was still 'overweight' acording to my Dr. and 'chubby' acording to my peers.) My body doesn't want to cooperate with societies standards. I can lose weight, but never enough to match some arbitrary goals set out for me by a society obsessed with thinness. It's not healthy or realistic to base my life around that. It's probably not healthy for you to base your life around that either.
I haven’t cried this way in a while. I shy away from taking a critical look at myself because I’d rather move through life as a disembodied pair of eyes than to think about myself and have “you suck” staring me in the face. You’ve captured the feeling really well.
As a dedicated gymbro, I want to both affirm these feelings and give you some encouragement. I don't know how it feels to be you, but I do know how it feels to struggle with my body image, and it fucking hurts. Your own ego will be more blunt and unkind than any other human will ever be, and it's fucking ruthless. Dieting is straight up terrible for you, and while exercise genuinely is healthy and good, it's also SO difficult to establish a disciplined training regimen, even without the feelings of shame for even trying. I feel for you, and you're not alone in these struggles. I also want to share some perspectives that have helped me develop a healthier relationship with exercise; take them if they're helpful, leave them if not, this is not meant to be more pressure to exercise. First, it does get better. It slowly gets easier and easier with time, until you feel so strong and fast and capable. It's an incredible feeling, and I hope you find it. Second, exercising shouldn't be about looking good. This kills the joy of working out faster than anything for me, because you can be content with your progress and your growth, but you'll never be content with how you look - you could always be thinner, beefier, leaner, etc. Focus on how strong you can be, or how your lungs get healthier, and you don't breath as heavily going up the stairs, the little attainable victories. Finally, nobody else at the gym or on the running trail is judging you. They're also thinking about themselves, and I doubt they even notice you. If you do interact with them though, I promise gym bros are the most supportive, judgment-free culture ever, and they will bust their asses to help you meet your goals. They love sharing their knowledge on good form, taking it slow, gradual hypertrophy... all that good shit. Best of luck TS! This was a really personal, raw video, and I'm sure it was painful to make, but I'm so glad you did. Body image issues are torturous, and they're so fucking prevalent. Thanks for your bravery ❤️
This is genuinely lovely advice. Its honestly incredibly nice to see a self-described gym person online talk about excercise in such a judgement-free, neutral way. Thanks man :)
you’re absolutely right, the goal of exercise should explicitly be to enjoy life as comfortably and actively as you want. mildred also made a solid point that increasing the quality of your food is a much healthier (and more effective way to lose weight if that’s your goal) than just living off massive calorie deficits. most of the training i do is just flexibility based because freedom of movement is really important to me, and it impacts quality of life the most for me.
Mildred, I just wanted to say that your editing and production quality was really impressive in this video. I'm sure this was a challenging video to make for many reasons and as a long time watcher, it's awesome to see your progress.
yeah, I was watching and thinking "this zooming to/from/between the devil and angel is not trivial, there is even a blurry background thing which looks nice". I really appreciate the effort that went into this.
Joining the martial arts has been an eye opening experience for me feeling the power that it is possible for a “fat guy” to generate when they know how to move their body is truly awe inspiring. It has made me view fat bodies significantly more positively. Helped me realize how fat-phobic I was-am. Watching a body builder and personal trainer get schooled on by a guy who looks like Homer Simpson is a beautiful thing to watch. You 1000% can be fat and be healthy I firmly believe this my favorite sparing partner is my hight and probably 2x my weight and sparing him is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I think it’s disgusting and cruel the way that society treats fatness. He is in shape and healthy and has no reason to be ashamed of his body and yet society tells him he should be and that’s wrong. He has better cardio better speed better balance better joints and better health overall than 90% of the lean fitness model looking folks I have met.
There’s a sheer horror, getting compliments on weight loss when it’s because of an illness, be it physical or mental. Actually I find the mental case more urgent because of the fact at least physical illness people can’t deny and will feel desperately ashamed when you point out you can’t even maintain your own baseline weight because your digestive system isn’t functioning properly.
Over the last few years your shift to being more personal and vulnerable has been so impressive and refreshing. Props for such detailed editing in a video that must have been grueling to make too. Definitely a subject that must resonate with a lot of your audience, me included (particularly touching on the intersection with gender dysphoria)
I like that even this internal monologue is easily explained by Capitalisms manipulation of the rabble to push products people wouldn't otherwise even think to spend money on.
this is possibly literally the most relatable piece of content I've seen in my life. over the last 47 minutes i laughed and cried and felt so understood in a way i never quite have before. that fucking voice. it goes against everything i stand for, it spouts constant bullshit that i know is false and it never shuts up. but every moment of my life is being affected by it and that shit is so fucking painful and exhausting. the way gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia feed off each other is a never ending feedback loop that feels impossible to escape from. it hurts, it all hurts so much. i can't go into everything that spoke to me here because that would basically be me reiterating the entire video but just, holy shit. I am so sorry this video opened up these wounds; at the same time I can't express how much it means to me. i can't thank you enough for this video and it's message either. i hope you know how valuable your work is to people.
I am a trans woman, have ADHD, and anorexia. I'm in a very similar boat to you. Though, I've struggled constantly with being dangerously underweight. No back and forth for me. It's still almost exactly the same struggle. I use to deprive myself of food unless someone was watching. Then I'd eat a lot in front of people, almost to show off. But not eat anything until dinner the next day. Then when I tried to change I find myself fighting to keep on a single pound, being physically weak as hell. My weight was in the "red zone" before, so low it was actively a threat to my health. I weigh 132 now, my highest ever, largely thanks to HRT. It's considered a healthy weight for my size. But I fight like crazy just for that. on top of eating at least two meals a day, I drink at least 2 protein drinks (like ensure) and do a workout for about 20 mins. Every day. If I slack even a little, I can lose 10lbs in I swear as little as a week and it'll take me 3 months to put it back on. People think anorexia is just psychological, but it's metabolic too. Thank you for this video, like your video on ADHD, it really helped me to center my feelings.
Oh God! "I could dress better, and take better care of my skin, but I don't want to do any of it, because it all involves looking at myself." OW! OW! OW! JESUS! OW! I switched jobs and went back in the closet at the start of quarantine. I just put the mask on and stopped looking at my face. And every time I did, I had the worst dysphoria. I finally have a job where I can be myself again, and I am starting to be able to look at myself in the mirror again. While I still have dysphoria, I am enjoying the thought of playing around with how I look again. I appreciated this video so much. Thank you so much, M!
This hit hard. Thank you for being brave and honest about these thoughts. A lot of those inner voice monologues felt way too familiar to me. This video made me feel so validated regarding these struggles, though. Less alone, at least. It's so easy to say things to myself that I would not say to those I despise the most. The end of this video was very inspiring to me. I think your words are really going to help me get through my birthday this year. (This is when the self-unaliving thoughts are at their worst.) I also hope you come to love yourself more and more as who you are. The true definition of "beautiful" is an adjective describing something which is seen by the observer as possessing beauty. It is not a metric of the subject, but a description of its effect on the observer. You have a beauty all your own. It's not the [prohibitive] societal standard of beauty, but that just makes it all the more singular in its nature. You're cute, handsome, and beautiful (all terms I use in a gender neutral manner.) Be well.
This has to be the best video you've yet made. Both in production quality, and importance of the message being put out. Love it. Stay strong, much love from a similar soul.
The best form of long-term exercise for heart health etc is walking. Much less strain on your knees than jogging, it doesn't literally trigger your body's inherent analgesics/pain meds (endorphines), and you tend to run into other people you may or may not know while walking, which makes you feel better because you don't feel as isolated, on top of making _everyone_ feel more secure because we can all see each other, so we've got each other's backs. Because you're not in excruciating pain, you have time to meditate and be in the moment, which relieves stress, and if you stay hydrated enough and walk slowly enough that you aren't straining yourself, your muscles won't hurt afterwards (despite growing stronger - your bones too!), and you won't sweat that much. Just remember to wear sunscreen or bring a wide-rimmed hat, and you're good to go. Small caveat though… it takes hours longer than running does to have the same health benefits (though, actually better health benefits since you aren't traumatizing your body). So nevermind about that - we don't have walkable cities anyway - just listen to your capitalist overlords and run, which is more efficient don'tcha know?!?!? Who cares if you risk getting seriously injured because you've never done it before, and you aren't hydrated, and you don't have anyone to run with?! Not your boss!!!
I love how the food bank gives out pamphlets telling you to eat more fresh fruits and vegetables, and then don't give you any fresh fruits and vegetables
I know this video had to be impossibly hard to make, and that you probably won’t see this comment (especially since I’m watching a few days later, I knew it was going to hit me pretty hard and wasn’t in the headspace for it at first) but if you do see this I want you to know that this video came at the exact right moment for me. I’ve been thinking pretty much all the same things my whole life, but lately it has been really, really hard. I’ve noticed myself trying not to eat, trying to avoid looking at myself, being desperate to check my weight but way too scared to actual do it in the fear that it will make whatever this spiral is much worse. I’ve never been comfortable in my skin, and I had started to resign myself to the idea that I never could be since nothing Ive done has ever helped me loose weight… But this video… I can already tell that it’s helping me turn a corner. I’ve never heard anyone that has struggled with the same thought patterns I have address them so frankly and honestly and say that the voice in your head that does that is WRONG. That it’s not out to help you, and that to listen to it can only ever hurt you. I’ve spent so much time looking at people who say “Be nicer to yourself!” As… privileged? I guess? I’d always think ‘Well they aren’t like you, of course they are nice to themselves, but you don’t have the right to do that! You need me!’ And I finally realize that that’s not true. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, I think you may have just helped to change my life!
The part about gym class and the Lapathon really speaks to me. I wasn't diagnosed with my heart issues until grade 11. Up until that point, I was just "the unfit kid." But I literally had a birth defect that meant my heart had to work twice as hard for me to achieve the same results as a "regular" kid. So of course I was always last place, always struggling to run, always needing to catch my breath. I was putting in more effort for less results, because it was an invisible disability nobody, not even me, knew about until my doctor heard a heart murmur, I was always made fun of for being so slow and unfit. Honestly, it was really validating and almost a relief to find out about the heart issues at the time.
I’ve always been fat. I can barely remember a time when I wasn’t. My first year of college, I had entered into a relationship, which ended just before the beginning of my second year. Without going into detail, it was a severely bad one, and certain events that happened while I was with this person left me with lasting trauma, full blown PTSD, that I am still dealing with to this day, and will probably continue to deal with for the rest of my life. I thought it was just depression, then, when I found myself exhausted and listless. I dropped out of school, stopped hanging out with friends, going out. By the end of it, I didn’t even have the energy to get out of bed. I spent every day, all day, escaping into whatever video game I could get my hands on, without bothering to get up, go downstairs… or to get food. I couldn’t eat, even when I did. Everything had become tasteless, unpalatable. I couldn’t keep it down. Naturally, then, I lost a lot of weight. And all I got were compliments. People delighted to see how ‘good’ I looked, asking me how I was losing so much weight in such a short time. What I realize now, that I hadn’t realized then, is that this behavior was reinforcing the fear I always had: that I would only be loved, be respected, if I lost weight. I remember feeling proud, then. As if there was anything to be proud about. I was starving myself- Not intentionally, but because of a severe trauma that was not getting treated. I wasn’t even functional. And it was only then, when I had been at the worst I had ever been, that people commended me for taking my ‘health’ into consideration. I’ve struggled with accepting my weight my entire life- And when I think about the brief period where I was commended for changing it, it continues to drag on my soul. There’s always the constant nagging that if I am thinner, people will love me more. It is… crucial, I think, that this video exists, then. That all these feelings I’ve been dealing with are felt by not just the person making the video, but people in the comments. I have trouble crying, in most cases- But this video got me to do so. It is phenomenal. Thank you for what you create, Mildred. It really is a good thing that you are doing here.
I've come back and watched this video a couple times now. I've gotten choked up multiple times every time I've watched this video. I'm also a fat person, male-ish, who was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. I see myself reflected so much and not only the words you say but how you say them, the framing you use, your cadence, the way you hold that wit and charm like a razor against your own ego. I was instantly enthralled by the back and forth between your opposing inner monologues. The honesty with which you depict the insidious viciousness, the sadistic hypocrisy of the negative voice cannot be overstated. I felt a particular tightness in my throat when you said: "Maybe I could handle criticism from others better if I wasn't afraid that it was proving you right!" He just like me. He just like me fr. You're beautiful. You're a beautiful person and you would still be a beautiful person even if we were all blissfully non-corporeal. I feel seen and heard and validated and called out and represented all at once in this video. I appreciate you and your work so much, Matt/Mildred. You deserve a MacArthur Award.
I’m a recovering anorexic and don’t think I can watch this right now. I’ll have my husband watch it first and then watch it with me. I want to see this, I need to see this, but I just don’t think it’s safe for me yet. But huge cheers for making this!
I was in my mid 30s when I learned: having your lungs burn in pain is not an inevitable part of exercise. It turns out I have asthma. Possibly even that my panic attacks were always, in fact, mostly asthma. (And runners aren't *necessarily* just socially acceptable masochists.)
@@BrookeBaubles I was previously under the impression (from media depictions) that asthma/inhalers was like anaphylaxis/epi-pens. So when people asked about asthma I assumed I didn't have it because I never had an inhaler so if I had asthma I would be dead within minutes, right? It was genuinely less obvious because mine is mild enough that it's usually only triggered by some combination of things. Exercising in the cold for example. Oh and when I showed up post transition all of a sudden people took my word/gasping for air literally and assumed I couldn't breathe. Ya know, instead of patronizingly suggesting that I breathe in... and out.... (Gee, thanks! I forgot about out! All better!)
@@wesleywyndam-pryce5305 Ugh. I've got to check in with my doc about my pre-diabetes as well. (thanks for the reminder) A really basic thing that got me a lot of relief is wearing a mask in winter. There are N95s that stay off my face (Aura or something by 3m?) and they keep the air moister and warmer... kinda like your nose does. But yeah, getting an inhaler and eventually adding a daily inhaled steroid has made a really big difference in my life. Because I always assumed that what I felt was, well... normal. Then one day my boyfriend came back from a run gasping for air and I said something about how much I hated that lung burning feeling... and discovered that he felt no such thing.
I cannot thank you enough for this video, Mildred. The fact that your inner monologue sounds so similar to mine (and that of a lot of people here in the comments) is in equal parts concerning and reassuring. It helps to know that no matter how bad you feel about yourself, you're not alone. But at the same time, it's insidious how the food, fitness, and fashion industries operate by selling remedies to the misery they sew and perpetuate. I'd go as far as to say that it's psychological torture for profit.
Thank you SO much for this. It's like you made my brain out loud. Especially with the added gender dysphoria. Also that thing you said about exercise feeling awful and never getting better: I recently discovered this is a trend among ADHD brains, because of how we deal with dopamine (or in our case, don't). It's not that you're particularly "bad at exercising", we literally don't get the same neurochemical benefits as neurotypical people. I always thought this is a personal failing of mine, but this has really changed my perspective on it. I will never enjoy exercise, but if I treat it like any other kind of body maintenence, say, showering, it makes more sense.
Another ADHD brain here. I'm not fat, I'm actually struggling to keep a healthy weight in the other direction (I don't know why) but I still need to exercise. I really struggle to do exercise, I really need to find something that I enjoy that just happens to take physical effort. ...and then if I do I go beyond the point of what's healthy because I'm not aware of when things are starting to hurt.
I know you already know this, but this is such a good video. When I was at my lowest weight as an adult, I was so ungodly unhealthy. I was horribly depressed, barely ate anything, went out drinking every night, and basically subsisted off the calories in whatever liquor I was drinking. But hey, I was pretty skinny, so people complimented me a lot! It's taken me a long time to take a healthy approach to my body and accept that I have the frame of a Midwestern woman! My body is designed to walk into a field, pick up an injured calf, and carry it back to the barn to take care of, when I'm actually eating healthy and exercising, my body is going to be bottom-heavy and that's okay! These days I focus most on incorporating as many fresh fruits and vegetables and protein sources as I can, and still give myself the grace to enjoy a fucking cupcake every now and then because the world is fucking on fire and we're all probably going to be annihilated in a nuclear war in the next 20 years so why not enjoy a fresh-baked loaf of pumpkin bread instead of beating myself up for it!?! Anyways, I also have high cholesterol-and have had it since I was like, 14-despite not eating meat! The absolute wonders of this hellish meatsack we're saddled with in this life.
I'm genetically lucky in that I have been and probably will be very thin - a barbie body, essentially. I never worried about weight... but I had acne, long term, consistently, and it continued into my adult life (and was worstened into actually disfiguring cystic acne). When you weren't talking about health "concerns" explicitly, everything else you said, nouns changed from 'weight' to 'face', was how I felt about myself. I felt so much at odds with others - fat people would make comments about my body like 'I wish I looked like you!' but I couldn't get across enough how much I hated myself anyway, and how it expressed itself so so much like the words you used. Thank you. Thank you for this.
If it's any consolation. Everytime you don't resort to consumption to fill the void of shame corporate ghouls have inserted into your psyche. A group of executives and shareholders have to suffer cocaine withdrawals.
If you're compelled to read the comments, just know that we appreciate the quality and depth you put into this video We love you, thought slime Thank you for making us good content
I have been looking through these comments for several minutes now and I have to say, this might be the most positive comments section I've ever seen. Kudos to you. You have inspired many and have contributed to the enlightenment of many more according to what I'm reading. A far cry from the fears inside your head. I relate to that evil inner voice so, so much. Thank you for sharing this.
i've had struggles with eating disorders since i was thirteen, and it's been ongoing for years- periods of recovery, periods of relapse. i've currently been in one of the worst relapses i've had in a long time, so this was honestly difficult to watch, but this video still gave me some hope. i'm gonna try to eat something because of this video.
This video captured exactly, almost word for word, how I talk to myself in my head. Especially the part about feeling sorry for yourself and then being guilty about feeling sorry for yourself. Really insightful and important stuff
When I first got on stimulants for ADHD I lost 50 lbs in the span of just a few months. This was after a lifetime of being on the fat side of chubby. I was regularly seeing doctors at the time, and not one was concerned. I was still technically "overweight" so no one blinked an eye. Until I went to my yearly gyno appointment. I offhand told her that I had recently lost a bunch of weight and she was immediately alert. She asked me specifically HOW I lost the weight and wanted to make sure I was eating enough. She was concerned for my health. She seemed mostly satisfied with my answers, but I could still tell she was worried. It was so jarring to me and I will never forget it. I've been off my drugs for a while, and of course I've gained the weight back because that's just what happens. I honestly really need them again, but I'm concerned with falling back into those disordered patterns. It's not that I'm concerned about losing weight. Weight fluctuates. That's life. But I'm concerned with falling back into WANTING to lose weight.
@@kaitlynnp582, I would guess that gynos are more aware of the negative health effects of rapid weight loss. Mainly loss of menstruation and fertility. Losing your period (I forget the technical term) when you're still developing can have huge ramifications for the rest of your life.
You have to basically train yourself to eat again. After 'forcing' myself to eat for a while(~6mo of conscious effort), eventually the meds stopped affecting my hunger in the same way and I gained a little over half the weight back, which is where I wanted to be anyway. Adderall XR being the medication.
Also, a messed up thing is that I kind of hoped for the weight loss side effect of adderall when I was prescribed it, but I didn't have that problem. Just a dry mouth.
thank you for this. i struggle with body dysmorphia and it’s so hard. it hurts when people you love try to compliment you but you’re so used to hating yourself that you automatically assume “oh, they’re just saying it to be nice, to be polite, they don’t really mean it.” i feel like being queer + physically disabled + autistic also doesn’t help. i have a little mean part of me too but that’s largely from the “people in my head” disorder and not the angel/devil metaphor. thanks for making this, mildred. it really means a lot. i hope that you’re in a better place emotionally after making this. my partner said something to me the other day and it gave me some insight, and i hope i’m not overstepping by sharing with you as well, but he said, “we put too much effort on telling people that they have to be pretty or funny or beautiful or interesting, when really we should be focusing more on if you are kind or reliable.” i don’t know you as an individual person, but the work you make is very kind, and you are making a positive impact on people. i think that’s good enough. lots of love. you deserve it. ❤ brief edit: i want to clarify i don’t think that fat people can’t be beautiful or pretty, only that it’s considered a deviation from normative beauty standards. i hope it’s clear from the rest of my post that that’s what i meant, but i literally woke up from a fever dream terrified someone might think that and wanted to edit my comment accordingly.
I wish for you less stress about others misinterpreting the things you say attempting to be kind. We all misspeak or can be misinterpreted in part because everyone who hears us has their own internal filters. The pain of being offended, if you come from a place of love and thoughtfulness, is possible, but at least 50% or more due to what is going on inside those people instead of just what you said. You aren’t responsible for other’s bad takes. PS: I actually just talked with my partner about praising our son’s actions like reliability, kindness, and efforts to grow and change *instead* of his looks or “being smart”. We both are trying to do this better for him and the other kids we interact with regularly.
I haven't finished the video yet, but I have to say something. I also had an eating disorder that I eventually just kinda...stopped after enough time. No one saw any issue with mine either. It's a strange way of being when no one intervenes, when it just peters out. As you grow, you learn how wrong that way of thinking is, how harmful it is to you and other people, but just learning those things doesn't stop the thoughts, the ones reenacted in the video. You're left sort of deprogramming yourself, so you end up with these contradictory beliefs--that yes, everything about internalized fatphobia is morally horrible and makes no sense, and yet...it's so intuitive that it feels like denial not to believe it. Because everyone does, it's believed so fervently that it has developed a kind of social truth, part of the social pact that we adhere to. And those can't be easily argued against, which is made all the more frustrating when there IS an argument to be had, when there IS scientific evidence that then becomes moot. Defying that becomes Herculean, especially trying to do it alone, because suddenly truth becomes transgression, becomes excuse, becomes self-destructive denial in the eyes of others. So thank you for this. It makes me feel seen in a way that I've rarely ever experienced.
Thank you for making this. Even tho I lost 100+ pounds after weight loss surgery I hate the way I look more than I ever have. I've been having panic attacks simply because I feel ugly. The feeling is so strong it causes an overwhelming panic and my body tightens and I can't breathe. The way you described how much you hate your looks is heartbreaking but it also made me feel less alone. I'm sorry you've been in this much pain for so long and again thank you for being vulnerable and making this video
I hope you can get help for your feelings about yourself. I think EVERYONE has their own kind of beauty. You may not be traditionally beautiful, but I don't believe you are ugly. Only psychopaths and sociopaths are ugly.
@@i_love_rescue_animals thanks. I've been working on it. It took me until I was 35 and many toxic relationships (not just romantic/sexual) to finally decide that I want to truly value myself. I'm done treating myself the way some people throughout my life have. I have a long way to go tho 😅
The scene where ThoughtSlime confronted their devil made me think about two concepts from psychology that have been really helpful for my own mental health: 1) an "inner critic" as a symptom of CPTSD; and more generally 2) the idea of "protector parts" of a person from the Internal Family Systems method of therapy.
I cannot put my compliment in different words than: This is art and I am proud of you for pulling through. Be kind to yourself, too. In the meantime I'm gonna punch my shoulder devil, he's been getting rather uppity.
Environment really does play a role. I was in Denver for 6 weeks. Every day after work my wife and I would drive 20 minutes and hike 3-5 miles. My body loved it because I haven't had a soda all year and I don't put sugar /creme in my coffee. Now I'm back in Chicago and now most spaces that are worth walking are hours away. The past two years have been brutal because the only exercise I have had is walking my 15 year old dog on short walks because he can't go for miles like he used to. I appreciate you talking about these struggles because dismorphia is almost always in the media as a female issue that only females experience. It's been brutal to live 40 years of my life unsure that what I'm feeling is actually normal.
This was...a big mood. I'm quite fat myself, and also trans, and hoooo boy did a lot of this resonate with me. Especially a lot of what the inner demon character was saying - very good touch to have them use your deadname (or birth name? Not actually sure if you've stopped using it, but yeah) I definitely feel that. I especially resonated with the bit where you touched on body dysmorphia bleeding into gender dysmorphia. It's actually why it took me a while to realize that I was trans (not that you need dysmorphia or dysphoria to be trans but I didn't realize that what I was feeling was more than just "I hate my body because it's fat" but "I hate my body because it's fat AND this whole other can of worms.") This video was a bit difficult to watch, but also one of the best and hardest hitting I've seen in a long time. It's nice to be reminded I'm not the only one to feel this way, and if you do read the comments, I hope you get something similar out of those of us that can relate to your struggle that you shared here
This hit really close to home for me. I nearly had an eating disorder chasing numbers as a teenager, and as an adult I stay the hell away from counting anything (kilometers, pounds, calories) because it's bad for my head. I see a monster in the mirror, and avoid looking at myself. My inner critical voice is so loud, and difficult to win against... This was too real T_T Of course other people suffer this stuff, but it was like a punch in the face to see it in this video. Parasocial relationships as they are, I've never related this hard to a yt video/person on a screen. Thank you for making and sharing this. May we both be compassionate to ourselves, and find a way to live a good, happy life.
The only exercise I enjoy is so embarrassing I have to have like a tomb to feel comfortable doing it regularly. (It's just dance/beat saber. I like jazzercise ok. I fucking love it. Unless I am perceived in which case I don't do it for years.)
@@egg_bun_ my brother in law moved in with us and after like a month he came home when I was mid jazzercise and I stopped for like 3 years, well after he'd moved out. Shit's rough.
I've had exercise induced asthma for my whole life, two decades of undiagnosed and untreated ADHD, and later sleep apnea and type 2 diabetes. I've tried several times to lose weight. Even in marching band, where I wore 60 pound drums and walked on my tiptoes 75% of the time, practicing for an hour a day 5 days a week, I did not lose weight. This video made me feel very, very seen, and I cannot thank you enough for being brave enough to make it
You saw yourself battling with the propaganda corporate advertising deliberately instills in you. To compel you to buy things you'd otherwise never even think to want.
Been watching your videos for a while now, never been much of a commenting type, but I have a strong urge to say something today. Maybe you'll never see this, but anyways... Thank you so much for making this video. The pain and vulnerability must have been brutal, putting yourself through all that introspection and writing down those raw thoughts and emotions, you've done something really special here. Before I knew it, the video was over, but I suspect the emotional impact will be long lasting. As I watched you lay yourself bare, I could feel my own sense of inadequacies stirring within, the same thoughts from the same devil on my shoulder, I won't say I've had it as bad as you, not that comparing pain is really a valid thing to do but I don't want to stake a claim where I haven't had an eating disorder. But, hearing you speak the words and thoughts I've often had myself, about having too much stomach, a strong dislike of exercise, and all the conflicting emotional reactions to the "science and information" surrounding health and wellness and body image, it really resonated in a way I hadn't expected going into this. But, most of all, thank you for that pep talk at the end. It's a hell of a thing to reach someone through the screen, through the series of tubes that is the internet, to find someone who resonates with your sadness but then to pick them up, to elevate them, to make them feel better about themselves, even if it's only for a moment, even if our collective belief wavers at times, it's a hell of a thing you've done here. I don't know if anything I've written is particularly coherent, I'm just writing from the heart here. Even if nothing else makes sense, I just want to end by again saying: Thank you for making this, thank you for sharing your insecurities, for being brave. You deserve to be happy, I hope you find that place soon, you really and truly deserve it.
I'm not fat, but I do struggle with some body dysmorphia, and it's very reassuring to be reminded of all the different ways society has been constructed to encourage me to feel this way about my body. "Ipso fatso" was also very funny.
Mildred, if this had been a live on-stage performance, I'd have given you a standing ovation. This was magnificently powerful. I legit teared up some parts, too! I found out I have high cholesterol some months back, and it scared me so bad. But the only instructions I got from my doctor were "eat healthier and exercise," and since I had no idea what that even meant, the only thing I knew to do out of panic was restrict my food consumption... I'm still trying to figure out how to "eat healthier" while trying to keep my weight stable, because I don't want to lose weight at all...!! I feel like I have to learn "how to eat" all over again from scratch, and it's immensely overwhelming. I wonder constantly how people just intrinsically know how to do this already... Especially since everyone seems to think the magic solution is "Learn to Cook!" And I ... just can't? I either undercook things and risk food poisoning, or I burn things and have to throw it out. :\ I really just wish someone could create a food schedule for me... of things I didn't have to spend 40 minutes cooking three times a day, and I would just follow that! Something tells me that our general societal delivery of the mysterious and vague instruction "eat healthier and exercise" is... insufficient...!
My mom has a nutritionist at her clinic who specializes in her particular needs, and her insurance covers the visits. Maybe there's a similar option in your area, if you'd like to check it out and find some support.
> I got from my doctor were "eat healthier and exercise," and since I had no idea what that even meant, the only thing I knew to do out of panic... "Learn to Cook!" And I ... just can't Well, jeez, it's not like there are ample information resources available in some kind of world wide information network to help you decide how to reduce cholesterol through diet and exercise. And learn how to cook. Measure, set temperatures, use timers and thermometers. The people who do it effortlessly spent the time to learn how, they didn't magically already know. I've been cooking for 40 years and I still measure, set temperature, use timers and thermometers. The science always works. Everything is practice and habit. > things I didn't have to spend 40 minutes cooking three times a day I've been making 3 meals a day since I started work from home 3 years ago, and I don't think I've *ever* spent 40 minutes making a meal. I suspect that you're lying to yourself because, ultimately, you'd just prefer not to learn anything new to effect change.
I had a doctor's appointment with my partner - just a meeting a new general practitioner thing, very casual, we were both seeing the same guy and figured we could just be in the room together, and after outlining that we had essentially identical lifestyles, he weighed us. He gave me a full plan on how to lose weight and a (thoroughly bogus) PCOS diagnosis, and told my partner "you're actually a bit underweight!" and left it at that. I think about that a lot, and how later I changed the medication I was taking and the gradual weight gain I'd been experience suddenly stopped and I plateaued again. I even lost some weight, without changing my behaviour at all. She (my partner) and I both face a myriad of health problems, but she is thin and I am fat, and that means we both get poor, yet disparate, healthcare.
I know this comment will get lost in the midst and your video is a couple of days old by now, but thank you for giving voice to my own demons. There’s something empowering about sharing our stories and yours echoed mine in a way that somehow made me feel valid and worthy of love and happiness. Thank you for every ounce of courage it took to make this. I hope you learn just how valid and beautiful you are one day too.
Currently having a crush on someone, the bad voice is screaming at me, while the kind voice tries to convince me he/they are probably fighting a similar battle... its really messed up (which makes the bad voice stronger)
Yes. Just, yes. Mildred, I'm astonished at the intensity you've got here. I can begin to imagine writing a script like this, but I can't even get near to imagining performing it. Much less putting it together into such an effective piece of art. Thank you.
![Six Hundred Strike [EPIC: The Musical] Full Animatic](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/zov6NXIAuow/mqdefault.jpg)
I've struggled with ED since I was 6, and I'm 45 now. I was diagnosed with mouth cancer this summer and everyone saw my very noticeable weight loss and told me it was such a "silver lining" to my cancer. A silver lining. To cancer. Spectacular. So yeah, my anorexia was like "huh, is this an invite back in?" so yeah, my ED is back at the worst time possible. ANYWAY, this was so painfully needed for me to see, and I cannot thank you enough for making it even though it hurt so much.
oof I literally recoiled from cringe at what people have said to you god that’s awful
People can be just the worst
sometimes
may you have a healthy and speedy recovery
*hug* I'm sorry. Please do what you can to help yourself where you can, and lean on those around you who aren't trying to find 'silver linings' in nearly dying that involve vanity.
Ugh, I'm sorry. I had this one coworker who explained the incredibly stressful family/home situation he was in at the time and how it was causing a lot of stress weight loss and my other coworker was like "well at least you're losing weight (:" Yes, as mildred mentions, there is correlation between the activities associated with weight loss and health, but as much as people will tell you it's about exercise, comments like this and those made to you about your cancer show that weight loss in of itself is seen as the real virtue. Even if several undeniable unhealthy things lead to your weight loss, well obviously that weight loss must still itself somehow actually be good and healthy.
Oh my sweet girl, you are beautiful inside and out 🌼 keep fighting the good fight for your cancer and your ED I know you can do it. I've never had cancer but I have had ED and came out on the other side. You can do it have hope 🌻 keep your head up. You'll be in my thoughts 💜
@@footballdesk4417 I don’t know whether you are trolling or not, but in this case it’s problems with eating (youtube censors it sometimes - like eating d..order)
this is exactly why it's mad to me that people think that BULLYING is somehow gonna be like a "corrective" measure to "help" ppl lose weight. like, everyone is already bullying themselves. society is bullying them. wtf makes them think that THEIR bullying is gonna motivate weight loss...talk about a lack of empathy when ppl think their rudeness will help
I highly doubt anyone who says that about their own bullying behaviour genuinely thinks they're doing good. They're just justifying their meaningless actions and thoughts under the guise of motivating. Scum usually knows it's scum, but it will act like it's necessary.
Idk… bullying people who are rude and judgmental to other people about their bodies seems to help a little
The Protestant ethic that governs this society says the only way to deal with people who don't conform to the pernicious social norms is to berate and degrade them. This any problem, no matter how vast and widespread, has to be treated as a series of personal failure(since systemic criticism isn't allowed).
So much this. Like they expect that THEIR comment is gonna make us, for the first time ever, look at our own body that we've lived with all our lives and say "Whillikers, I AM fat. I'll fix that immediately!"
Ironically, I'm quite sure that a lot of why I'm 50 lbs over the arbitrary BMI standard is because disordered eating from people making comments when I was only ten over it really fucked up my metabolism, and my bod wants to make sure to store fat in case we go into starvation mode again.
The crazy thing is, I've had ACTUAL PEOPLE make the argument to me that "bullying is good, actually" for this exact reason, but unrelated to weight. It was just as insane then. Something about bullying people to change their mannerisms because *somehow* that's supposed to make them more popular or some shit. Turns out, it was autism. I'm just autistic and they're just assholes.
When I first got colitis, I lost 100lbs in a semester of college. The doctor literally dismissed my issues as things that were probably about to sort themselves out now that I lost the weight overlooking the minor fact that losing 100lbs in a semester without any change to diet or exercise MIGHT BE A RED FLAG.
Fatphobia kills.
As someone with Crohn's Disease, your experience is especially heartbreaking to hear. I hope you've been getting much more compassionate and effective treatment now.
This. I even struggle to pick just one example from my life, because it happened several times that I've lost large amounts of weight in short time due to something being massively wrong, but all of the healthcare professionals were just happy to see I was finally losing weight. It took many months each time to convince them to check properly. I am terrified of having an actually acutely life-threatening condition some time, because those idle months could kill...
I’m so happy to have a few extra pounds right now, so that when I have to prep for tri-yearly colonoscopy for my Colitis or-humanity forbid-have a flare up, the feeling of dying is greatly reduced. Thanks extra pounds, you’re so appreciated!
So many stories about doctors putting weight over health.
yeah I got colitis in 2016 and it took 4 months to diagnose it basically was too painful to eat anything so I lost so much weight I ended up in more pain via my organs. Didn't even realise I effectively had an ED for several months.
People who are afraid to say "fat" but use medicalizing, implioed-negative terms like "overweight" and "obese" remind me of the scene in the Office where Steve Carrell is like "Is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you'd prefer we use?"
Anyway, thank you for making this video and using such a personal story to speak to a larger topic that's kind of a blind spot for a lot of us leftists. Insightful and hilarious as always Mildred!
The medical industry really loves being in bed with capitalism to make us all feel bad so we'll buy more stuff. I do have a funny problem where my brain gets fixated on the strangeness of calling someone fat. Like we all HAVE fat, but we've just decided that this is the primary characteristic for some people's appearance. Maybe my brain is just broken. Love your videos Goblin.
i hate when you say you're fat, because its an objective fact, but people try to backpedal and shit - they plead; you're not fat! yes i am. you're bEaUtIfUl! bitch, i didnt say i was ugly - i said i was fucking fat. they think fat is ugly so they're desperate not to let me feel bad about accepting an objective fact about my ass
I’ve just always been afraid to use the word “fat” because I’ve personally seen it weaponized and hurt a lot of people. It was agreed to be one of the worst non-curse words you could be called when I was a kid. In my personal experience, it’s always had an insulting connotation; it’s the word I have only ever used to describe myself when I am feeling my worst. As someone with a medium build, I don’t really feel comfortable using it to describe other people.
This ^^^
"Obesity" is such an othering and despicable term.
i feel like its the same thing as using 'female' instead of woman. like...sure. in some contexts it makes sense, but in casual conversation one is uh. preferable.
"I was just a fat person who was thin" is so exactly correct.
I remember having lost 40 pounds in college running ~5 miles a day and barely eating. After putting on too-small-clothes that I bought before losing the weight, that I told myself were the goal, I realized I had dragged that mindset all the way down the scale because everything I bought was already too *loose* and I still wasn't happy. It's hard not to feel trapped inside yourself sometimes.
the quote's at 11:10 btw
"I do not respect Cross Fit" legit made me laugh out loud. Solid video, must have been nightmare to write.
This comment aged well. A man recently died while swimming in a crossfit competition. They didn't have any lifeguards.
"Body dysmorphia really feeds into gender dysmorphia until it just becomes too painful to remember that I look like anything at all." Damn that hit hard. I think it's why my transition goals have always kind of boiled down to becoming some vague, abstract thing without physical form. I don't think my "true self" looks like anything. HRT helped a lot but I still don't know who the person in the mirror is.
I feel the same way. My ideal gender is a sentient pile of sludge. I have been able to come into my fatness more with the gay fat positivity movement surrounding the bear label, but I still find myself having internalized fatphobic thoughts or feeling very dysmorphic. It's a long battle, but we'll get to the better side eventually!
Yes, I'm definitely in this situation too. In fact, my dysmorphia has always been so strong that it kept me from recognizing my _dysphoria_ for what it was -- I mean, hating my body was just hating my body, right? -- until I was in my fucking 40s. Right now my ideal would be like an Ent. Or maybe just a big cardboard box.
@@VeganAtheistWeirdo YES my dysmorphia hid my gender dysphoria bso well it took so long to even realize I'm trans
Yes. Yes, this. Thank you.
I've always felt like this but in the opposite order. My gender dysphoria caused my body dysmorphia. Essentially my brain was so desperate to look at myself and say "this isn't so bad right?" that it turned into a habitual self delusion to the point of no longer having a consistent self image. I needed that delusion to not fall into a hopeless suicidal depression, but it caused my own reflection to become entirely malleable depending upon my mood. The shifts in my self image became so much of the norm that it left me with doubts no matter what I saw in the mirror. On my good days I'd be reminded that whatever I see could just be in my head, and on my bad ...well that just felt like confirmation that my eyes were lying to me whenever I wasn't feeling as low.
I feel like this is one of the main reasons why it's *so* important to support transitioning during puberty. Once your body starts to change, it only becomes increasingly difficult to unsee those changes as time goes on, which can leave people with a lot of lingering mental distress even after addressing the causes of physical dysphoria.
I'm currently disabled. Before I became disabled, I was about as fit as it's possible to be. But due to a combination of unfortunate genetics, adverse childhood events, and plain bad luck, I had quite a few "fat person" problems: sleep apnoea, joint problems, acid reflux. The doctors I found to help me manage those conditions were incredibly helpful and nice. Then I got my current disabling chronic illness which essentially stopped me exercising at all. On a bad day even walking can put me in bed for a week. I'd been super active, and it took me a while to get used to the literal halving of my calorie needs, so naturally I gained some weight. Just enough to be noticeable. The very same doctors who'd been so helpful now kept banging on this one thing: lose weight. Same conditions with the same causes, but now that I was 20-30lb heavier (I refuse to keep close track) it was because of that.
You're not alone. As someone that was hospital level anorexic, being in my mid 30s and unable to even go for a walk alone, I spend a lot of time wishing I was unalive. Sending you so much love xx
That’s infuriating. I wonder if there’s some place to chronical stories like yours so that it can be used as a teaching tool?
@@kayachaos2509 please know that you are ever so much more interesting than a number value. What are your hobbies? Do you like catching crickets? Have you ever baked someone a cake and watched the frosting drip off because you didn’t know you have to cool it first? When was the last time you went swimming? How high can you stack nickels? You are a million stories.
Yeah I have POTS and EDS and can't exercise much. Some meds I started last year increased my appetite (which was previously almost nonexistent) and I've gained 10lbs or so and really hope my dr doesn't care. He's generally pretty good though, so willing to refer me to specialists or try out different meds
Anyway yeah I know the feeling about becoming very disabled and needing to be very careful with exercise. It sucks, and I hope you have people in your life who are understanding and willing to adapt their plans to accomodate you and do things together with you that are accessible
Shoulder Devil:
Shoulder Devil: You look like Graham Linehan
Thought Slime: Line crossed.
Jesus muppetfucking christ, the amount of courage you have to have to put out a video like this. Legit crying here.
Mad MAD respect. Love you M
"Jesus Muppetfucking Christ" 🤣
Huh? This is like barely scratching the surface of accepting your flaws.
@@michaela_elise holy shit???? holy shit???? are you kidding me????
Psychological strip tease
"Your body is beautiful, if for no other reason than because it is the mechanism that allows you to exist in the world."
Literally crying here Milthew, thank you for this. I have severe body dysmorphia, PCOS, permanent damage done to my body from literal decades of bulimia, and lipedema. Your message here is on par with my "will to live" fuel song by Nightwish, "The Greatest Show on Earth" - a song about how *amazing* the phenomenon of living things actually is, how beautiful it is, all of it, and how goddamn lucky we ALL are for getting to experience it. Thank you for reminding me that my body is the magical mechanism that allows me to check out this gorgeous universe and all the beautiful beings - like you - within it.
That Nightwish video is amazing!
@@alisaurus4224 especially the one where Richard Dawkins shows up...watching a packed metal concert full of people staring in stunned reverence while an evolutionary biologist tells them about "endless forms most beautiful, and most wonderful" gives me hope for humanity
🫂
Sometimes I like to remember we're soggy pudding with electricity in it piloting an out of control flesh mech suit filled with all sorts of strange fluids that is constantly battling entropy and somehow this ridiculous comedy of errors can survive for decades and not the few hours the whole loony idea sounds like it would on paper. It's absolutely astounding that this extremely complex insanity can not only walk around and do stuff, but understand things like physics well enough to go into space and invent the internet - which is just different electricity inside smart sand. It sometimes feels like we're all getting away with something that really shouldn't be possible, and I kinda love it.
"It wouldn't be enough just to lose weight, I've done that before...and I was just a fat person who was thin."
God that hit me like a ton of bricks. Thank you so much for such a great, honest video. Your story is so relatable to me. I also grew up the fat kid. Nobody expected me to be fit. Nobody thought I could. Nobody particularly cared. And like you, in my college years, I lost weight. A LOT of weight.
120 pounds in 18 months.
I discovered the same magical trick you did: walk a lot and EAT NOTHING. Your anecdotes on counting calories, inching those numbers lower and lower, the intoxicating feeling of control over seeing the scale move while barely functioning on a physical level. It felt so empowering...while also feeding the constant negative thought spiral in my head constantly reminding me that "I'm not good enough."
Nobody ever confronted me or told me I had a problem, even after growing dangerously underweight. I remember going to the doctor's office for a check up. He congratulated me on my weight loss and told me that "I can lose more if I want to" because "my BMI is fine." Again you hit the nail on the head: BMI is bullshit and a low 20s BMI is actually terrible for someone who is extremely tall with a large frame, like me. I was at least 30 lbs underweight and a voice in my head was begging him to say something was wrong. He didnt. Then, at the doctor's office I got some blood work done. The moment I stood up I immediately collapsed. They installed an event monitor on me to check my heart for arrhythmia.
I'd been starving myself for so long my heart began to atrophy.
But nobody ever suggested I had Anorexia.
Anyway, I eventually recovered, achieved a healthy weight. But looking myself in the mirror is still a daily struggle. But videos like these make it easier. Make me think, make me laugh, make me smile.
Thanks a ton. Love your channel.
I felt that one too
I think sleep apnea is a largely undiagnosed epidemic and the fact that effective treatment is prohibitively expensive is a goddamn travesty
I got a sleep apnea test, and the results were "You definitely have it, but you're juuuuuuuuust below the line where we decided we can do anything. So........ goodbye!" They showed me on a chart and everything that I was just below that line.
I can't sleep flat on my back. If I do, as I fall asleep something in the back of my throat flutters and I jerk awake as my body hits "I can't breathe" panic mode.
I've never been tested for sleep apnea. But. Well.
So... I might sound like an asshole. I hope not cause it's not my intention. But people on Canada and other parts of the world don't get the machine for free? I mean, my mom has one and it was instantly delivered when needed. Same with a friend which needed an intervention for sleep apnea.
I don't know, I think it was the world standard. Sleep Apnea can get pretty nasty if leaved be
@@leothelion5035 You can get it for free if you have a private insurance plan through your job that covers it. If you don't you have to pay out of pocket. That has been my experience.
I've always had sleep apnea. Even at 180 pounds(82KG) while being 6'5"(2M) I had sleep apnea. Never got a diagnosis.
'Fear of a Black Body' is a good book I recommend it.
One thing that worked for me to accept myself was to draw myself nude. I 'm an illustrator, since you draw, you might get it. It was breaking myself down into shapes and curves that really changed my way of thinking about my body. It was revolutionary.
Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll add Ernest Becker's "Denial of Death" (a reading heavily influenced by Kierkegaard and Rant) regarding the terrible absurdity of existence, and Terry Real's "I don't want to talk about it" for "stealth male depression" that really opened my eyes and helped me put words to lots of my feelings, which may apply to any gender.
comment for being able to look back at this cause book recommendations sound dope also to feed algo gods
Same. I'm still new to illustrating, but my second piece was of myself having some special time.
I'll definitely be writing these book names down for future reference. It'd help me want to read again as an added bonus
Hey kinda same here! I had anorexia really bad in the beginning of hs and was kinda forced into recovery by my family. I went to an arts high and we had live nude drawing classes with models of all shapes and sizes and genders, and the process of finding the beauty in all those different forms really turned my recovery from a daily struggle into a joyous regular exercise in noticing my own body’s beauty as it became healthier. Now I’m about 5 years past recovery/weight restoration n recently hit my highest weight ever, and was pleasantly surprised to find it didn’t upset me at all like it would’ve back then. Art really saves
"I don't believe that. I live as though I believe it, but it's against all my principles" was the equivalent of a bucket of cold water for me. I do the exact same, talk a big game about how other people's fat is valid while hating mine.
It's amazing how I extend the grace and compassion to other people but I have still hold myself to expectations that I know are unfair. I would never even look at a bigger person and think at all about their weight unless it was pertinent to something, but that is the first thing I think about myself every time I see myself.
I just went here to comment/quote that one, because its a problem that comes up for me a lot and its ... at least somehow comforting to know that I'm not the only one. its hard to overcome believes so internalised that they influence you, even though you don't consciously believe them anymore....
@@Zero11zero1zero could it be because you internalize what others *might* think of you? Sort of like internalized fatphobia? I had a period where I had a noticeable beergut and I was very self-conscious about it. But... many people have one. I don't pay attention to, let alone judge, other people's guts. So why mine? I think because I am/was afraid other people would judge me? Fuck if I know
@@SMPKarma I think it may stem from how our brains evolved to jab at us with the bad chemicals whenever we do or say something that could harm or upset a member of our group/tribe, potentially leading to exile from the group/tribe and, back in the day, at least, leaving us unable to survive without the support of our group/tribe. That sort of open criticism could result in literal death not all that long ago in our history.
We can criticize ourselves as harshly as we want but we're kinda stuck with us. Can't really exile your own brain for being a titwaffle. Being harsh with oneself was likely selected for, also, since it led people to overwork to contribute more and fit the status quo better, boosting one's standing within the group.
Unfortunately, evolution is slow as balls and we're *REALLY* not built for the environments and routines we've constructed for ourselves. I'm personally hoping for the technology to replace my shambling meathusk with something a bit less gooey some time before it's time for my dirt nap.
Sometimes the only way I can advocate for myself is to literally PRETEND I am someone else, bc OTHER PEOPLE deserve basic needs/rights fulfilment & compassion. It's a struggle.
the other day I said "I'm so tired of hating myself just so other people can enjoy looking at me" and it was like putting down a big bag of rocks I didn't know I was carrying and wasn't mine in the first place
thank you for this comment. ive struggled with atypical anorexia for years now and this really resonates with me.
This year I had to go to the kinesiologist. One session I was in the room with another person, and she said to him "this hurts because I'm fat" and he said to her: "even if it's true, you still need pain management". I went home and cried because I never heard one person working on medical services being so compassionate.
It can be done, it's just that doctors don't want to, because it's easier to shame fatness instead of doing their fucking job.
I often say doctors think fat bodies are unfasionable because it highlights it's unscientific and they're going to change their perception on the ideal body as that changes socially again. They need to learn to separate their personal preferences from their damn job.
I was a skinny kid, fat teenager (hmm maybe hormones have something to do with weight?), "skinny" (as far as like, actual human beings concerned for my health thought, but technically a few pounds overweight according to BMI) in college because I couldn't afford food and had to walk a lot carrying heavy school bags everywhere and other physical activities on top of that but mostly because I couldn't afford food, and then slowly started gaining weight again once I was no longer literally starving, and knew that being able to eat and being chubby was more healthy than literally starving and being "skinny" but still technically slightly overweight so I just tried to be kind to myself about not hating on my appearance too much.
Then like a decade later I could afford to actually see a doctor regularly, and the only thing they ever talk about is my weight, and no matter what diet I eat or or how much exercise I get they'll always identify something that I could be improving because of fucking course it's always possible to work out harder or eat even better no matter what you're doing (although at one point one doctor suggested that maybe the problem was that I ate too little... and then at my next annual checkup told me to eat less again).
And now I have a very unhealthy fixation on my weight and cannot think of my next upcoming annual physical without fantasizing about challenging every fucker in that office to a fight to the death because fat though I may be I can crush your fucking skull in my bare hands and then throw your limp corpse at the next challenger and in the end, isn't that what "fitness" is really about? Survival of the fittest, right? So come on you fat shaming motherfuckers, you think you're in such better shape put your fucking life on the line and see how long you last.
Multiply marginalized, born multiply Disabled person here… The medical community is DEEPLY Fatmisic and Ableist.
I have Ehlers Danlos (one of my rare disorders) and traditional exercise is literally harmful to my body. I cannot tell you how many doctors have told me to do things that are counter indicated to my physiology to lose weight, because apparently being thin is more important than being healthy.
: steals phrasing for later: ✍️
@@Pfhorrest Woah that took a dark turn at the end. I hope the video gave you constructive talking points you can actually bring up, so you don't have to feel that way.
When my anorexia was most severe I was getting tons of compliments about how little and cute I was. According to close friends and family I was starting to look skeletal.
Until very very recently, I have lived my entire life as a fat person. I am no longer fat. Not by my choice, or my efforts, but by life altering emotional pain. Going through that devastating pain while at the same time hearing, "Oh my god, you look GREAT! You've lost so much weight!" made things nearly unbearable. I've lost 90lbs since early February of this year, and I am getting used to this new body. But having internalized the fatness and worked really hard to accept it (no, really love it) my entire life, the strange lack of "me-ness" in the mirror when I was trying so hard to stay me under yoke the pain, made it even worse. I guess my point is, if you see someone who is going through a drastic weight change, please don't comment. It could be illness (mine wasn't, I went to the doctor several times to make sure though I experienced a surprising lack of concern on the part of each provider), or it could just be the worst stretch of life someone has lived taking something else from them they didn't even think was possible to have taken -- their hard-won identity.
Edit- 5'4" 2/1/22 260lbs, now 170 or thereabouts. I only bought a scale because of how fast it was happening, as well. I've evened out and have stayed about my current weight for about the last 3 months, so I think it's over at least.
Jesus this one hit me. I had the same thing. Went through a really tough time. Couldn't sleep, wasn't interested in food, dropped a lot of weight. Family members who knew what was happening told me I looked great. Some people are amazing, but being family doesn't stop some people from being pretty horrible.
@@shraka same here, i went through a mental health crisis, i wasn't hungry so i ate little to nothing for days at a time, and had people telling me "did you lose weight? you look great!!"
and when i told my losing weight wasn't actually healthy..
the answer, like it's always been in my experience, was something like but you feel good about it, right? 😤
I started losing weight last year fairly rapidly because my cat died, so I stopped eating from grief. I made sure to point out to anyone who complemented my weight loss that A) This is the result of unhealthy grieving and is not a sustainable or safe way to lose weight and B) I will almost certainly gain some or all of the weight back once I start, you know, eating regularly again.
It's been about 2 years since my cat died, and I have indeed gained back some, but not all, of the weight I lost. I was also still carrying weight from pregnancy/breastfeeding, which might have been coming off naturally around that time anyway, since I recently weaned.
My mother went thru a similar rapid weight loss when her marriage ended. She also gained back the weight eventually (partly because she used one of the ketosis-inducing diets, which are inherently unhealthy and unsustainable.) And she still tortures herself mentally about having to "lose the weight." I think she's been trying to "lose the weight" her entire life (she did Jenny Craig multiple times), and failed every time but one.
So yeah, grief does things to people.
@@Kestra84 I've successfully lost weight three times in my life, and I've come to the conclusion that "weight loss" is a terrible objective that drives bad behaviour, at least for me. Having the target of being a bit healthier is far far better. I eat a little better, especially finding healthier foods I really like eating. I try to sleep more and stress less, prioritising things that make me feel better, and trying to cut out things and commitments that stress me out. I walk a bit more, parking my car further away or taking PT instead, I find out what I can comfortably lift at the gym and just try to go regularly.
Get help also being thin is good for you
Im v much a hetero cis white dude who likes being "manly" and your videos have ALWAYS been a huge source of joy and knowledge and introspection for me. So thoughtful, genuine. I rarely comment on youtube but just wanted to say I love you, you're doing amazing things.
Glad you're here :)
This comment made me smile.
+1
Nice. And same.
Cool. We all do better when we can understand each other. your perspective is valuable
SO many great point in this. Just a few "yes ands":
- doctors are terrible at telling when abundant body fat is *causing* a medical condition vs when it is a *symptom* of another medical condition. If I had a penny for every person I know who found that out the hard way, I'd be rich! From personal experience with PCOS, if your doctor insists the answer to your unexplained weight gain is to lose weight, or (as in my case) to just exercise more (umm... I'm literally a professional aerobics instructor, so lack of movement was not the cause, hun) demand they document their exact diagnosis in your file. Doing this generally makes them reconsider what they've said and more willing to order tests or prescribe meds that'll have an effect rather than just blame everything on weight.
- Everything said in this video about exercise is the bad shit taught in school phys ed that we didn't know how to analyse or didn't have the language or clout to question when we were kids. I work in community recreation fitness centres. No exaggeration, I estimate 70% of my interactions with new clients is un-teaching the bad curriculum & pedagogy of school PE teachers.
We have a massive problem here in Canada that the government and the sport industry are convinced they are THE answer to low fitness levels in Canadians (I expect this is similar elsewhere too). It is not. So if you need to hear this, here it is....
Sport is NOT fitness. School phys ed is geared to teach sport skills for the sake of winning (you may have been lucky to have a teacher who didn't do this, but that's rare), not teaching you exercise knowledge & skills for life. Plus, it is all about grades, cuz school. Learning to exercise shouldn't be graded, it should be learning for learning sake, but school PE ruins that.
- If your workouts are causing pain, you're going too hard. School PE taught us we all have to meet the standard the teacher demands, but that's not how exercise works. It needs to be challenging, but achievable. Again, school PE ruins that for most people. You should only be increasing the intensity of a workout when they intensity you started with no longer has any challenge, NOT when a teacher or trainer decides you "should" be at a new benchmark.
- And finally, media is just as bad as school phys ed for teaching bad shit. I am constantly told I 'can't' be a fitness instructor because I'm too fat/old/short, etc, because people think all fitness instructors look like the celebs on the DVD informercials. In real life, we don't. Corporate gyms won't hire someone who looks like me, but community gyms where we're not stealing your money with the promise of flat abs are much more realistic.
I had an undiagnosed nerve problem causing atrophy as a kid and I can anecdotally confirm that being humiliated in front of my classmates by having me do a bunch of activities I could not physically do like push up and pull ups and then failing me when I couldn't do they things I was known to he unable to do (I say "known" but I shit you know the elemtary school people teacher told me to "stop pretending" when I wasn't able to do a push up) definitely put me off working out with other people or at all for like 20 years.
In the US, I think gym class has more to do with keeping kids fit so they can have future soldiers.
Our school PE teacher in Belgian did a baseline run in september and a test in januari. Grading was based on progress.
Same with basketball. I went from 1 layup in 10 to 3 in ten and was graded on that +2. I got pretty good PE grades because of that.
@@wesleywyndam-pryce5305 i believe you Wesley, and I am so sorry you had to experience such poor quality teaching as that. That's unacceptable and unprofessional of any teacher. You're far from alone on this, PE teachers are notorious for this sort of thing. I had a vision impairment (later surgically corrected) that severely limited my ability to throw & catch accurately and I got called 'lazy' and the r-slur for that in PE.
Honestly if I ever run into some of those old PE teachers I'll berate them in the town sqare!!
@@marlabeard5352 Yes!! The Canadian one is too. That is a great example of how we have forgotten the origin of a thing (or, it's been whitewashed & hidden from us ;) but once we find it out the whole thing makes a lot more sense, eh!
Every single line of this video spoke to me deeply, have struggled since childhood and developed BED/bulimia in teens/20s which was dismissed as “guys don’t get eating disorders only skinny girls” weight has fluctuated massively, you said all the things I need to tell myself but can’t bring myself to, it means a lot to know I’m not alone!
I was just recently diagnosed with BED and my expectation of my frequent appointments to a dietician were that we'd talk about my eating habits and ways to change them.
Couldn't have been more wrong.
We talk about stress relief. We talk about relationships. We talk about hobbies I used to have and loved but left for some reason, and ways to bring those enjoyments back into my life. We talk about what kind of mental health treatment would have the most immediate positive effect on my wellbeing. My dietician encouraged me to go see more metal concerts because I described the experience as uplifting.
We honestly talk about everything but eating. Cause what's the point? If I'm already obsessed thinking about food, what good is focusing more on it going to do?
It took me several days to finally feel confident enough to watch this video and I'm glad I did. Mildred, I feel you, and even though you won't read this I wish you well.
i need your dietitian. my last one suggested i do a strict mediterranean diet and when my motherinlaw complained we were already doing that and i explained i was doing a much stricter form of it with less of the starch, oil and minimum-nutrient veggies the dietitian suggested doing 'more' of it, like, i am already doing it how can i do =more= of doing it??? what is this supposed to accomplish???
@@technopoptart BED is binge-eating disorder, which to an uninformed reader might sound like my problem is that "I can't control my eating" and the solution to that would be to control my eating better, and it's precisely that way of thinking that leads to people sinking deeper and deeper into these disorders.
Binging happens because I try to control my eating all the time, measuring everything and thinking of every treat as something I have to make up for later. The illusion of control by watching every calorie entering my body is what causes the episodes.
The very FIRST thing I was told by my dietician was to stop dieting. More control will never cure an eating disorder. I can't believe what a piece of shit you had to work with - basically unqualified to interact with any patient ever. I hope you find someone better!
@@SkuddeOuo _nods_ ocd has a lot of overlap. the more you lean in to the compulsion the more intense it gets and the harder it is to stop so i really do understand how that would feel even if i cannot imagine a feeling of reward from doing it. for certain i am glad you had someone who understood the kind of person they were working with and treated you with the humanity and grace you need
i do too but i have very low expectations. where i live there isnt enough people in the medical field to allow a lot of discretion in hiring
@@technopoptart That's a big shame. At least we have the internet so access to better information exists. Couldn't imagine living with this and being stuck relying on the immediate community around me.
@@SkuddeOuo for sure!
Hi Mildred.
I grew up as the skinny kid in my family. Everyone made a big deal about it, and all through high school I was lean, fit, and strong (thanks marching band and a teen metabolism). When I became an adult, I started gaining weight, and all of the sudden that praise vanished, and eventually turned to teasing. I picked up smoking in college as an appetite suppressant and to use the nicotine to keep my metabolism up because I too started only eating once a day if that. And still the weight kept creeping on, and because I wasn't working manual labor jobs anymore I started losing the strength underneath my dadbod physique.
Fast forward to now. I'm 35, I recently went to the doctor for the first time in 18 years. I have cholesterol that is *almost* too high, an A1C that is also *almost* too high, a resting heart rate that is "on the upper end of things", and I too am a husky person. I went in seeking treatment for ADHD and walked out with a "hey go lose some weight" and a date with a sleep specialist i can't afford. I hate looking at myself, and I have a whole garage full of workout equipment including a very nice treadmill that just makes me depressed to look at. I don't have the time or energy to work out, and while I do cook/eat healthy I know it's not enough.
All that being said, I do want to keep going, and I do want to get healthy again, and while it's been really hard to face the fact that I'll never fit into a medium T or be able to find more than one pair of jeans at Goodwill, I'm slowly learning to accept that if I'm healthy then its okay. Long ramble I know, but I wanted to thank you for putting out this video and being so vulnerable, because it makes folks like me feel seen, heard, and validated.
I get that feeling of "damn, I'm never going to be that small again." I think it's a kind of grief. It's okay for us to grieve for our past selves and the things we can't do anymore. You kind of have to acknowledge that in order to get past it. I keep having to buy pretty much all new clothes because of weight gain. At first it was really upsetting to me. But now I just try to focus on finding clothes that I like that fit well and are comfortable and flattering for the me that exists right now. I pretty much just donate/sell the old ones right away. I don't want them sitting around tricking me into hoping that I'll lose weight, when that probably won't happen and I'm finally okay with that now.
I would seriously consider selling your gym equipment if it means you can get treated for sleep apnea. Quality sleep will do way more for your health than exercise
@@drummachine5787 so as an update to this: so after realizing I had an HSA through my work insurance I had no idea about, I was able to see a sleep specialist and do a study. I was officially diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. As it turns out I stop breathing on average like 40 times an hour when I sleep and my O2 sat was dropping into the 60's. Hoping to get set up with a CPAP and have my issues with memory, metabolism, daytime hypersomnia, and brain fog clear up if I start sleeping like a normal person.
@@tompadfoot3065 good god that’s bad. People I’ve known who got a cpap said it was life changing and you can get them now for 5-600 bucks
@@drummachine5787 yeah that's basically what the sleep tech said haha. I'm just waiting for them to find a place to get one from, I guess there's a backorder/shortage or something right now
You don't owe anyone skinny. No one. Not even yourself.
I love your videos and the courage you have for talking about topics like these.
But if I constantly instill and subject you to the idea you need to be skinny. I can sell you just SO much stuff you otherwise wouldn't even think to spend your few pennies on.
I see a lot of comments expressing how relatable this is. Speaking as one of the judgemental skinny ones who don't relate but REALLY needed to hear this, you have made me examine core beliefs that are very resistant to that sort of thing, and possibly made me a slightly better person. So that's a win. You're chalking up wins.
If you're interested, the Mainely Mandy and Zoe Bee links that Mildred put in the description are pretty good. And Sara of The Costume Codex has several good videos, including one on the Thor fat suit.
Good. I went through a similar mental transformation - feels pretty good once you're out the other side. BMI is bullshit and doctor's training around weight is bad. You can easily be chubby and fitter than a thin person. I wanna double down on something Mildred said: Weight doesn't normally cause a lack of health, they're just correlated - ie. an underlying condition causes the weight and the health issue. Trying to fix it by losing weight is almost always fighting an uphill battle just to cover up a symptom.
Oh Mildred. I just started watching and as a fellow fat person, I just want to say I appreciate your vulnerability on something that so frequently gets shoved under the rug. Hugs to you.
I’ve never heard anyone else say “when I see myself I don’t see someone that can be loved” thank you so much for sharing dude, makes people feel a little less alone out here.
I thought carefully before watching this video because my ED monster has been very vocal lately so I wanted to make sure I was truly in the right headspace. This video was so thoroughly therapeutic for me. I don’t know if you’re reading the comments, Mildred, but I just wanted you to know that. I cried at points and I had to pause once or twice, but like… that was a good thing?
It’s hard to explain. But for me, one of the toughest things about living with this voice in my head is how alone I feel. I think to myself, “no one else is feeling this, no one else carries around this monster.” Hearing you give it a voice-the EXACT SAME DIALOGUE that plays in my head sometimes-I felt so seen. Like, it’s almost uncomfortable how accurate it is. It’s the same voice. It’s the same back-and-forth. It’s the same argument I have with that demon when shit gets bad (like it has been lately.) Like, how could you POSSIBLY know without being inside my head.
I want to hug you. Or just sit with you in solidarity for a moment. I’m not alone. We’re not alone. Thinking that we’re alone is such a lie. I really how silly it is. My soul feels lighter somehow. Thank you. Seriously.
ED Monster 💀
Gives me the same vibe as 2 millimeter defeater, sorry had to say it.
@@elicarlson7682 OMG I FORGOT I EVEN LEFT THIS COMMENT. I feel like someone else wrote it. 🤣
I was apprehensive as a fellow fat person, but I loved this video. I loved that you showed just what our anti-fat society does to our mental health and how fruitless it all is when it comes to improving our physical health. We're socialized from a very young age to hate fat people, including ourselves. I feel for you, although for me the external hate is what gets to me. I get so sad knowing how much better I would be treated if I was thin. No amount of self acceptance can change being dehumanized everywhere I go. It's exhausting.
While still kind of demeaning / stereotypical we used to have this positive image of the jolly kind fat person. Sort of a testament to capitalism trying to make everyone miserable that this has mostly vanished from societies standard rubric.
You do you and don't let the bastards win.
Those last 7 minutes have me in tears. As someone who was overweight/obese since middle school, attempted multiple times to lose the weight, and faced all the ridicule for the last 20 years, I feel so seen, and validated. That was both cathartic and empowering while being hopeful af. Thank you Mildred 💜🙏
During lockdown I took a job stocking shelves at night and stopped eating, I usually ate only a small sandwich if I felt particularly weak. I did this in addition to strenuous running nearly every day. I went from being 200 pounds in April to being 140 by July. People asked me if I had cancer and my mom said I looked like a skeleton. The worst part of it all? I loved every second of being thin. It made me feel like I had some power over a time in my life that felt powerless. I realize now how incredibly unhealthy that was to do and how much damage I’ve likely done to my body. I felt this video way too hard as I realize I may have very well gotten back on my bullshit if it wasn’t for people like you helping me to feel ok with who I am
This was hard to watch but good because I forget other people go through this too I'll tell myself the good things I wanted to say to you during this difficult video
Atomization is a capitalist tool to make it easier to instill the self loathing you must have to buy like, 70% of the products on the market today.
As someone who is plenty fatter than you, very much obese, the fact that we have basically identical life experiences and intrusive thoughts is kind of amazing.
I've never actually been fat and still have very very similar intrusive thoughts 🙃 society really has fucked us all up
Thank you. As someone who had repeat surgeries and gained a lot of weight, and REALLY struggled with it. Being a guy, I have to pretend like it’s just a “funny thing” and that I have a good sense of humor about it. I was underweight my whole like, but when I turned 30 it just felt like I couldn’t lose weight. I have never admitted to anyone but my wife that it has really been effecting my mental health, and I hate that I feel so weak.
I ran a sub 6 minute mile in 6th grade to "prove them wrong" and I passed out on my bike on the way home. I was in a 35 hour coma. Turns out I don't sweat and managed to cook my insides.
wait, nobody has commented on your inability TO SWEAT?!
this is like when we learned there are people allergic to the sun. like it *sounds* fake 😶
So I was watching this and thinking how strange it is that perfectly normally attractive people like Thoughtslime can feel this way when I am the one who should actually feel this way... and then I realized that I'm doing the exact thing he's talking about.
I love that line in the sand you drew was being compared to Graham Linehan. That was the moment the self-abuse went over the line.
And it's true; physically or otherwise, NO ONE DESERVES THAT
Yeah, I deliberately escalated his abuse and thought to myself "What is the worst thing I could say to myself?"
Sorry to dig up a year old comment, but I actually had to look up who Graham Lineham was, and I honestly expected him to look worse.
Just looks like an average middle-aged dude.
@zacharypederson6816 He's one of the guys who's repulsiveness really only shines (oozes?) when you know him well
I'm overweight. i lost 100lbs for my wedding and it came right back but it was really liberating in a weird way. i was the most miserable i had ever been (140) but people were the nicest they had been to me in my life. i was mean and starved and angry all the time and people listened to me and cared about what i had to say and congratulated me for literally nothing. they gave me free gum, free drinks, my father said he was proud of me all the time. when i gained back the weight my head cleared and i felt better and stronger. i started just doing what i really wanted with my life. i still eat healthy but im always busting out of my jeans. when that happens i laugh. i really feel good that im alive to see my thirties. that i had courage to stop listening to people that didn't care about me including the assholes who make no sense that live in my head. i love not being 20. i love that I'm not expected by as many people to be hot or skinny or fashionable. try to kick that voice out of your head like that little boy kicked hitler out the window in Jojo rabbit. that voice is your own personal hitler and wants nothing good for you. imo
Mildred, I just wanna say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for making this video. I'm also trans, enby/salmacian/somethin around that line, and also a fat person. I always felt like my fatness contributed a lot to my gender dysphoria, that it ruined any possibility of me being able to be in my dream gender presentation. I always thought that I was the only one who felt that way (a little silly, I know), whose body issues with fatphobia and gender dysphoria collided, and it makes me feel more... seen, to know I'm not alone. I feel like there's hope for me, whether I lose weight or not, to be happy and comfortable in my own skin. Thank you for being here, being who you are, and helping silly little enbies like me feel less alone.
My fatphobia actually originated from my dysphoria because I didn't know why I felt horrible about my body changing and becoming more squishy/curvy and thought "maybe because squishy = fat and I'm scared of gaining fat?" And became obsessed with avoiding food and not gaining weight. It never made sense to me really, because I was average to underweight my whole childhood (because of undiagnosed food allergies which definitely contributed to my negative relationship with food), and because I didn't think anyone who I knew who was fat was any worse or even different from people I knew who werent. I just accepted that I hated fat on my own body and didn't realize it was different than that until my late teens when I started to figure out that I'm nonbinary and eventually stopped dissociating enough to notice the dysphoria and made the connection.
But years of ED thinking are persistent, even when you realize the cause isn't related to weight at all. Starting T has increased my appetite and reduced dysphoria, but the increased appetite and muscle gain causing weight gain has been a struggle to process.
Gender dysphoria and body + food issues are so difficult to untangle, especially when cultural ideas of what bodies look like for men and women and what is ideal for either can very easily link body shapes/traits with both gender and weight/fat. (Gender isn't binary, obviously I know that, I'm referring to the western cultural concepts of gender and beauty and health which are also all very White™️. Though that has changed a bit over the years as different traits have been fetishized in turn, and at least the heroin-chic look isn't considered ideal currently)
Anyway, solidarity. Idk if it's accessible to you, but I've found that some clothing and aesthetics make me feel more confident, myself, and gender euphoric, and it really helps me to think of my gender expression more in terms of outfits and hair rather than how my body looks. So when I take the time to dress in a way that makes me feel badass (because all of my ideal styles are alt to a degree) then I can feel euphoric and forget how I feel about the body under the clothes for a while.
My partner is also nonbinary with a very different body type to me, and I've been trying to help them find clothing that makes them euphoric or at least feel like they're expressing their gender in a genuine way. And now they have a few clothing items that make them feel good and has realized that rather than any sort of masculine or feminine stereotypical style or aesthetic, they feel most euphoric when they dress up in clowncore looks. Which has been great, because you can make clowncore looks that fit any body and are anywhere from fem to masc to ??? gender-wise.
(I also feel better when I compare my gender to non-human things like mothman and goblins instead of looking at other humans as presentation/gender goals. Helps a lot to feel like I'm working to present in ways that correlate to non-human things instead of working towards looking like humans and comparing my body to them)
Fighting your own brain (intrusive thoughts, memory playbacks, rumination on said thoughts) is so hard. It's as smart as you and knows all your arguments. Brains can be mean. And once you're good and stressed, they shoot you up with cortisol. It was really good to see you talk back to the devil representation. 🤘
"It's as smart as you" holy moly
Thank you for this video. I'm still in the middle of it, but I had to jump in with his comment after you spoke on the fact that the cardiovascular system can be fine even if you're fat. I'm very fat, and once a doctor who I had only seen once before looked at my test results for my cholesterol and decided she needed to put a qualifier on them. "*Surprisingly* your cholesterol is fine." It's been about 7 years and I still can't get over that that's what a doctor decided was an appropriate response to my blood work.
oof
For several years, doctors kept telling me that my blood pressure was dangerously high, even though I didn't show any of the actual symptoms to be expected. It was only during a consultation for ADHD medication that anyone thought to check the measuring device. See, I'm well over six feet tall, and built solidly even before you factor in the fat, and no one had told me that I wasn't supposed to experience intense pain and then lose all feeling in my arm during a blood pressure test. Bringing out a larger cuff and fitting it properly revealed that my BP was well within the ideal range. Nobody that thought to check that before because they saw exactly what they expected.
@@winterwombat sounds like people don't know how to take blood pressure correctly.
Or that the default response to high cholesterol would be to blame you!! How insane is it to blame patients for their own health problems? The idea that people give themselves high cholesterol on purpose is ludicrous but the idea that shaming and bullying them will help them improve is even moreso.
@@snowpocalypse69 I had literally even emailed the doctor prior to my first appt with her specifying that I'm fat and would like shame free care and if she cannot offer that lmk and I would make an appointment with someone else. She completely dismissed my concern and then provided plenty of shaming (that wasn't the only rude ass thing she said to me). As a doctor you need to at the very least be *aware* of your biases.
I can't think of a better Halloween Thought Slime video than one that makes me once again confront my terrifying relationship with diet and exercise.
That terror brought to you by Capitalism.
@@Praisethesunson Fuck, is it ever.
I've had a lot of trouble with over exercising. I just watched a video from Jeff Nippard on how much exercise you need to do to make progress. Spoilers: It's not much. 30 minutes of weight training per week for health - and from personal experience you don't have to push it that hard either. If your issue is that you push yourself too hard then give up like Mildred, try just half arsing it for 10 minutes 2-3 times a week. It'll likely be way more effective than the media would have you believe.
@@shrakaya know I might try that. Thanks!
@@TheUglyAnswers No problemo! Check out the Jeff Nippard video if you haven't already, it's pretty good.
This should be a live theatre play. The writing and delivery are excellent.
My psychiatrist once suggested I get into running because, in his words, "I don't treat runners for depression." So I did. Gave it a shot for a long time, decided I hated running and settled on long daily walks with my dog. The walks are nice. The dog certainly enjoys them. But in retrospect, I wonder if his thinking was backwards. Maybe the kinds of people who are predisposed to liking running don't often get depression in the first place.
that's a good point
Yup, definitely backwards, he doesnt seem to understand what depression... is
@hithere7080
I completely disagree with that to the extent I believe it is literally harmful to say. And think medical science also would also disagree. Depression is caused by your body chemistry. Being physically active has been proven to significantly change ones brain chemistry and I have found running extremely useful for overcoming depression and ADHD.
@@bradthunderpants3283 I disagree with your statement that "Depression is caused by your body chemistry." Depression is caused by a mix of factors, with body chemistry being just one of them. It's important to understand that the causes of depression and other mental disorders are complex and multifaceted, including genetic, environmental, psychological, and biochemical elements. Regarding physical activity, you correctly note that it can significantly change one's brain chemistry and help manage depression and ADHD. However, this does not necessarily contradict the idea that people who enjoy running might be less prone to depression in the first place. Regular exercise, including running, can indeed reduce the likelihood of developing psychological issues due to its numerous benefits. I strongly disagree with the statement "I don't treat runners for depression." Such a simplification from a psychiatrist is troubling. This statement completely overlooks the fact that someone definable as a "runner," who can maintain a consistent training routine, likely possesses a degree of mental stability and self-control-traits that depression severely undermines. The fact that you are gaining benefits from running comes both from your dedication to taking care of your body through running and from the physical activity itself. The idea that running alone can prevent or treat depression ignores the complex nature of mental health disorders. While physical activity is a valuable tool in managing depression, it is not a cure-all. People dealing with depression often struggle with motivation and consistency, making it difficult to adopt and stick to an exercise regimen. Moreover, each person's experience with depression is unique, requiring a multifaceted approach that includes therapy, medication, lifestyle changes (it's called lifestyle psychiatry), and support systems. To imply that runners are somehow immune to depression or that running is a guaranteed solution trivializes the experiences of those suffering from this condition and overlooks the need for comprehensive mental health care.
@@user-um7lx7yf4x you know since I have left this comment I have actually gotten further radicalized, and now just believe that chemichal imbalance neurochemistry depression probably only makes up like 1/100 of diagnoses.
Now I think that depression is just a logical natural response to being forced to live in intolerably inhumane and unnatural conditions.
I relate to all of this video - but I am definitely "here" for the last 10 minutes.
I hated my body for over 35 years, and I still struggle with all of the difficulties of having that self-loathing be a part of my history. Sometimes, I am still frustrated with my body, disgusted, or just displeased.
I thought body positivity was the answer for a long time, because celebrating *other* fat folx was *easy*. Because I was able to look at them and find them attractive or appealing aesthetically - and I thought that was what was necessary to get rid of the feeling that my fatness made me unworthy. Because at the same time I was being told that I was worthless because I was fat, I was told that the only thing that made me valuable to society - particularly as a woman - was how I looked. And that meant the key to worthiness was through beauty, right?
It took a major, life-altering breakdown, burnout, and reckoning to struggle through the dismantling of "beauty = value" and more specifically that "how attractive I am to men = value" (because, let's face it, that's what 'beauty' has meant for most of my life). I had find a new way to worthiness, and I'm still working on that part. So, I spend a lot of time reminding myself that my worth is inherent. I am worthy of love and belonging simply because I am human, I exist, and I am doing my best.
Body positivity didn't work for me. Because it still felt like it was rooted in beauty and aesthetic. I guess the best representation of my feelings now is body neutrality. Loving my body didn't feel possible. But hating my body ... it's entirely unsustainable. Eventually, I got to the point where I realized, just like the last 10 min of this video, that the hate isn't doing anything for me and it's only tearing everything down as I build it. I wish the world would wake up to the fact that that's what shame does.
Protestant Jesus wants you be perpetually full of shame and self loathing. It makes you much more pliable.
Usually that pliability was to make sure you follow the religion rules(and the various system of subjugation they will subject you to). In modern time they do that subjugation conditions AND want you to feel like shit so you feel compelled to buy a bunch of stuff you otherwise wouldn't even think to want.
This whole comment section is full of great comment, but this one in particular-- thank you. I *feel* this.
Angel: Nobody can control their intrusive thoughts.
Devil: I know, it's GREAT!
Capitalists are trying their best to control your intrusive thoughts. They are making notable headway.
My bulimia reached a point where I was outwardly decrying the fact that people kept telling me I looked healthier, but I was inwardly thrilled that my 3 month bout of direct long COVID made me lose 50 pounds. I'm STILL fixated on my weight today. I STILL think about it every day, now that I have regained the weight from COVID. And I STILL have all the bulimic impulses everyone thinks of as "healthy living" when I tell them about my lifestyle.
"Oh, y'know, I walked everywhere, so about 20 miles a day or so? And I worked two jobs so I only had time to eat once a day. And then I got COVID, so y'know." People saying things like "Oh, I wish I was that HEALTHY."
Hon... I have bulimia. Please don't be inspired by my obsessive compulsion to burn more calories than I take in, a mental math I consciously do while on a diet, but UNCONSCIOUSLY do even today.
Ugh, and it runs so deep. It's even more than weight. When the doctors tell me I have "Athlete's arrythmia", a harmless heart arrythmia that comes from working out very often and very intensely, I feel PROUD. When they tell me that my blood pressure is always very low, and my blood sugar slightly on the low side, I feel PROUD even though I know that both contribute to long term health problems.
And this is the first time I've typed all of this out, and I'm second guessing hitting enter, but I'm going to do it anyway.
No I'm really glad you posted this, it gives really good insight.
the sad thing is that my takeaway from your experience is envy that covid made you lose weight. i never get sick and i stay fat. i eat healthy in daytime and binge in the night time. boulimia seems like a crutch to you, as it gives you a semblance of control, but go without it and chaos ensues.
@@chilanya No, not really. Lots of people do not have it and are not in chaos. Feeding someone's trollbrain isn't a kindness btw.
Feelings of envy can distort reality, but let's be real: It's destructive, to you and to them, to envy that. It's NOT a good thing, and they know that, and you should know that.
Something to bear in mind about the science of fat. Our bodies use fat to sequester toxins in the enviorment, they tested Althetes with the exact same lifestyle an diet matched a decade apart and the further in history we go the fatter people get with NO lifestyle difference. Because like literally every animal on Earth, our habitat affects us. Being fat is partly our bodies way of trying to help keep us from getting sick.
I don't lose weight when I get sick either. I didn't lose much weight when I exercised for just about 8 hours a day for a year, and carefully controled my food. It was never enough. (I plateaued, and at a point where I was still 'overweight' acording to my Dr. and 'chubby' acording to my peers.)
My body doesn't want to cooperate with societies standards. I can lose weight, but never enough to match some arbitrary goals set out for me by a society obsessed with thinness. It's not healthy or realistic to base my life around that.
It's probably not healthy for you to base your life around that either.
Thank you very much for sharing.
thank you for sharing
The comments are surprisingly wholesome and not mean. Neat!
I haven’t cried this way in a while. I shy away from taking a critical look at myself because I’d rather move through life as a disembodied pair of eyes than to think about myself and have “you suck” staring me in the face. You’ve captured the feeling really well.
As a dedicated gymbro, I want to both affirm these feelings and give you some encouragement.
I don't know how it feels to be you, but I do know how it feels to struggle with my body image, and it fucking hurts. Your own ego will be more blunt and unkind than any other human will ever be, and it's fucking ruthless. Dieting is straight up terrible for you, and while exercise genuinely is healthy and good, it's also SO difficult to establish a disciplined training regimen, even without the feelings of shame for even trying. I feel for you, and you're not alone in these struggles.
I also want to share some perspectives that have helped me develop a healthier relationship with exercise; take them if they're helpful, leave them if not, this is not meant to be more pressure to exercise. First, it does get better. It slowly gets easier and easier with time, until you feel so strong and fast and capable. It's an incredible feeling, and I hope you find it. Second, exercising shouldn't be about looking good. This kills the joy of working out faster than anything for me, because you can be content with your progress and your growth, but you'll never be content with how you look - you could always be thinner, beefier, leaner, etc. Focus on how strong you can be, or how your lungs get healthier, and you don't breath as heavily going up the stairs, the little attainable victories. Finally, nobody else at the gym or on the running trail is judging you. They're also thinking about themselves, and I doubt they even notice you. If you do interact with them though, I promise gym bros are the most supportive, judgment-free culture ever, and they will bust their asses to help you meet your goals. They love sharing their knowledge on good form, taking it slow, gradual hypertrophy... all that good shit.
Best of luck TS! This was a really personal, raw video, and I'm sure it was painful to make, but I'm so glad you did. Body image issues are torturous, and they're so fucking prevalent. Thanks for your bravery ❤️
Thank you for this comment. 🧑🏻❤️🧑🏿
This is genuinely lovely advice. Its honestly incredibly nice to see a self-described gym person online talk about excercise in such a judgement-free, neutral way. Thanks man :)
you’re absolutely right, the goal of exercise should explicitly be to enjoy life as comfortably and actively as you want. mildred also made a solid point that increasing the quality of your food is a much healthier (and more effective way to lose weight if that’s your goal) than just living off massive calorie deficits. most of the training i do is just flexibility based because freedom of movement is really important to me, and it impacts quality of life the most for me.
A small victory is still a victory. Two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward.
💜
The CPAP visual really did it for me. Thank you for helping me to always remember what that acronym stands for.
Mildred, I just wanted to say that your editing and production quality was really impressive in this video. I'm sure this was a challenging video to make for many reasons and as a long time watcher, it's awesome to see your progress.
yeah, I was watching and thinking "this zooming to/from/between the devil and angel is not trivial, there is even a blurry background thing which looks nice". I really appreciate the effort that went into this.
Joining the martial arts has been an eye opening experience for me feeling the power that it is possible for a “fat guy” to generate when they know how to move their body is truly awe inspiring. It has made me view fat bodies significantly more positively. Helped me realize how fat-phobic I was-am. Watching a body builder and personal trainer get schooled on by a guy who looks like Homer Simpson is a beautiful thing to watch. You 1000% can be fat and be healthy I firmly believe this my favorite sparing partner is my hight and probably 2x my weight and sparing him is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I think it’s disgusting and cruel the way that society treats fatness. He is in shape and healthy and has no reason to be ashamed of his body and yet society tells him he should be and that’s wrong. He has better cardio better speed better balance better joints and better health overall than 90% of the lean fitness model looking folks I have met.
There’s a sheer horror, getting compliments on weight loss when it’s because of an illness, be it physical or mental. Actually I find the mental case more urgent because of the fact at least physical illness people can’t deny and will feel desperately ashamed when you point out you can’t even maintain your own baseline weight because your digestive system isn’t functioning properly.
Over the last few years your shift to being more personal and vulnerable has been so impressive and refreshing. Props for such detailed editing in a video that must have been grueling to make too. Definitely a subject that must resonate with a lot of your audience, me included (particularly touching on the intersection with gender dysphoria)
I like that even this internal monologue is easily explained by Capitalisms manipulation of the rabble to push products people wouldn't otherwise even think to spend money on.
this is possibly literally the most relatable piece of content I've seen in my life. over the last 47 minutes i laughed and cried and felt so understood in a way i never quite have before. that fucking voice. it goes against everything i stand for, it spouts constant bullshit that i know is false and it never shuts up. but every moment of my life is being affected by it and that shit is so fucking painful and exhausting. the way gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia feed off each other is a never ending feedback loop that feels impossible to escape from. it hurts, it all hurts so much. i can't go into everything that spoke to me here because that would basically be me reiterating the entire video but just, holy shit. I am so sorry this video opened up these wounds; at the same time I can't express how much it means to me. i can't thank you enough for this video and it's message either. i hope you know how valuable your work is to people.
I am a trans woman, have ADHD, and anorexia. I'm in a very similar boat to you. Though, I've struggled constantly with being dangerously underweight. No back and forth for me. It's still almost exactly the same struggle. I use to deprive myself of food unless someone was watching. Then I'd eat a lot in front of people, almost to show off. But not eat anything until dinner the next day.
Then when I tried to change I find myself fighting to keep on a single pound, being physically weak as hell. My weight was in the "red zone" before, so low it was actively a threat to my health. I weigh 132 now, my highest ever, largely thanks to HRT. It's considered a healthy weight for my size. But I fight like crazy just for that. on top of eating at least two meals a day, I drink at least 2 protein drinks (like ensure) and do a workout for about 20 mins. Every day. If I slack even a little, I can lose 10lbs in I swear as little as a week and it'll take me 3 months to put it back on.
People think anorexia is just psychological, but it's metabolic too.
Thank you for this video, like your video on ADHD, it really helped me to center my feelings.
Oh God! "I could dress better, and take better care of my skin, but I don't want to do any of it, because it all involves looking at myself."
OW! OW! OW! JESUS! OW!
I switched jobs and went back in the closet at the start of quarantine. I just put the mask on and stopped looking at my face. And every time I did, I had the worst dysphoria.
I finally have a job where I can be myself again, and I am starting to be able to look at myself in the mirror again. While I still have dysphoria, I am enjoying the thought of playing around with how I look again.
I appreciated this video so much. Thank you so much, M!
This hit hard. Thank you for being brave and honest about these thoughts. A lot of those inner voice monologues felt way too familiar to me. This video made me feel so validated regarding these struggles, though. Less alone, at least. It's so easy to say things to myself that I would not say to those I despise the most. The end of this video was very inspiring to me. I think your words are really going to help me get through my birthday this year. (This is when the self-unaliving thoughts are at their worst.) I also hope you come to love yourself more and more as who you are. The true definition of "beautiful" is an adjective describing something which is seen by the observer as possessing beauty. It is not a metric of the subject, but a description of its effect on the observer. You have a beauty all your own. It's not the [prohibitive] societal standard of beauty, but that just makes it all the more singular in its nature. You're cute, handsome, and beautiful (all terms I use in a gender neutral manner.) Be well.
This has to be the best video you've yet made. Both in production quality, and importance of the message being put out. Love it. Stay strong, much love from a similar soul.
The best form of long-term exercise for heart health etc is walking. Much less strain on your knees than jogging, it doesn't literally trigger your body's inherent analgesics/pain meds (endorphines), and you tend to run into other people you may or may not know while walking, which makes you feel better because you don't feel as isolated, on top of making _everyone_ feel more secure because we can all see each other, so we've got each other's backs. Because you're not in excruciating pain, you have time to meditate and be in the moment, which relieves stress, and if you stay hydrated enough and walk slowly enough that you aren't straining yourself, your muscles won't hurt afterwards (despite growing stronger - your bones too!), and you won't sweat that much. Just remember to wear sunscreen or bring a wide-rimmed hat, and you're good to go.
Small caveat though… it takes hours longer than running does to have the same health benefits (though, actually better health benefits since you aren't traumatizing your body). So nevermind about that - we don't have walkable cities anyway - just listen to your capitalist overlords and run, which is more efficient don'tcha know?!?!? Who cares if you risk getting seriously injured because you've never done it before, and you aren't hydrated, and you don't have anyone to run with?! Not your boss!!!
yeah, daily short walks even just 5 minutes is fine for health, too heavy or much exercise is also bad for you and can really shorten your lifespan
Walking and swimming are great. Moderate intensity weights for 30 minutes a week also increases health.
I love how the food bank gives out pamphlets telling you to eat more fresh fruits and vegetables, and then don't give you any fresh fruits and vegetables
"I dont believe that- i behave as though i believe it" YUP YUP YES EXACTLY
I know this video had to be impossibly hard to make, and that you probably won’t see this comment (especially since I’m watching a few days later, I knew it was going to hit me pretty hard and wasn’t in the headspace for it at first) but if you do see this I want you to know that this video came at the exact right moment for me. I’ve been thinking pretty much all the same things my whole life, but lately it has been really, really hard. I’ve noticed myself trying not to eat, trying to avoid looking at myself, being desperate to check my weight but way too scared to actual do it in the fear that it will make whatever this spiral is much worse. I’ve never been comfortable in my skin, and I had started to resign myself to the idea that I never could be since nothing Ive done has ever helped me loose weight…
But this video… I can already tell that it’s helping me turn a corner. I’ve never heard anyone that has struggled with the same thought patterns I have address them so frankly and honestly and say that the voice in your head that does that is WRONG. That it’s not out to help you, and that to listen to it can only ever hurt you. I’ve spent so much time looking at people who say “Be nicer to yourself!” As… privileged? I guess? I’d always think ‘Well they aren’t like you, of course they are nice to themselves, but you don’t have the right to do that! You need me!’ And I finally realize that that’s not true. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, I think you may have just helped to change my life!
The part about gym class and the Lapathon really speaks to me. I wasn't diagnosed with my heart issues until grade 11. Up until that point, I was just "the unfit kid." But I literally had a birth defect that meant my heart had to work twice as hard for me to achieve the same results as a "regular" kid. So of course I was always last place, always struggling to run, always needing to catch my breath. I was putting in more effort for less results, because it was an invisible disability nobody, not even me, knew about until my doctor heard a heart murmur, I was always made fun of for being so slow and unfit. Honestly, it was really validating and almost a relief to find out about the heart issues at the time.
I’ve always been fat. I can barely remember a time when I wasn’t.
My first year of college, I had entered into a relationship, which ended just before the beginning of my second year. Without going into detail, it was a severely bad one, and certain events that happened while I was with this person left me with lasting trauma, full blown PTSD, that I am still dealing with to this day, and will probably continue to deal with for the rest of my life. I thought it was just depression, then, when I found myself exhausted and listless. I dropped out of school, stopped hanging out with friends, going out. By the end of it, I didn’t even have the energy to get out of bed. I spent every day, all day, escaping into whatever video game I could get my hands on, without bothering to get up, go downstairs… or to get food. I couldn’t eat, even when I did. Everything had become tasteless, unpalatable. I couldn’t keep it down.
Naturally, then, I lost a lot of weight. And all I got were compliments. People delighted to see how ‘good’ I looked, asking me how I was losing so much weight in such a short time. What I realize now, that I hadn’t realized then, is that this behavior was reinforcing the fear I always had: that I would only be loved, be respected, if I lost weight.
I remember feeling proud, then. As if there was anything to be proud about. I was starving myself- Not intentionally, but because of a severe trauma that was not getting treated. I wasn’t even functional.
And it was only then, when I had been at the worst I had ever been, that people commended me for taking my ‘health’ into consideration.
I’ve struggled with accepting my weight my entire life- And when I think about the brief period where I was commended for changing it, it continues to drag on my soul. There’s always the constant nagging that if I am thinner, people will love me more. It is… crucial, I think, that this video exists, then. That all these feelings I’ve been dealing with are felt by not just the person making the video, but people in the comments.
I have trouble crying, in most cases- But this video got me to do so. It is phenomenal. Thank you for what you create, Mildred. It really is a good thing that you are doing here.
That speech at the end was fantastic
I've come back and watched this video a couple times now. I've gotten choked up multiple times every time I've watched this video. I'm also a fat person, male-ish, who was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. I see myself reflected so much and not only the words you say but how you say them, the framing you use, your cadence, the way you hold that wit and charm like a razor against your own ego. I was instantly enthralled by the back and forth between your opposing inner monologues. The honesty with which you depict the insidious viciousness, the sadistic hypocrisy of the negative voice cannot be overstated. I felt a particular tightness in my throat when you said: "Maybe I could handle criticism from others better if I wasn't afraid that it was proving you right!" He just like me. He just like me fr.
You're beautiful. You're a beautiful person and you would still be a beautiful person even if we were all blissfully non-corporeal. I feel seen and heard and validated and called out and represented all at once in this video. I appreciate you and your work so much, Matt/Mildred. You deserve a MacArthur Award.
I’m a recovering anorexic and don’t think I can watch this right now. I’ll have my husband watch it first and then watch it with me. I want to see this, I need to see this, but I just don’t think it’s safe for me yet. But huge cheers for making this!
Good call
I was in my mid 30s when I learned: having your lungs burn in pain is not an inevitable part of exercise.
It turns out I have asthma. Possibly even that my panic attacks were always, in fact, mostly asthma. (And runners aren't *necessarily* just socially acceptable masochists.)
..... I'm 30 learning this.
also just learned being thirsty all the time is a sign of diabetes....
man I do not need more diagnosis lol
🤔 making me wonder if I have asthma
socially acceptable masochism is what drives bad politics and makes people assume democracy is a lie... great term
@@BrookeBaubles I was previously under the impression (from media depictions) that asthma/inhalers was like anaphylaxis/epi-pens. So when people asked about asthma I assumed I didn't have it because I never had an inhaler so if I had asthma I would be dead within minutes, right?
It was genuinely less obvious because mine is mild enough that it's usually only triggered by some combination of things. Exercising in the cold for example.
Oh and when I showed up post transition all of a sudden people took my word/gasping for air literally and assumed I couldn't breathe. Ya know, instead of patronizingly suggesting that I breathe in... and out.... (Gee, thanks! I forgot about out! All better!)
@@wesleywyndam-pryce5305 Ugh. I've got to check in with my doc about my pre-diabetes as well. (thanks for the reminder)
A really basic thing that got me a lot of relief is wearing a mask in winter. There are N95s that stay off my face (Aura or something by 3m?) and they keep the air moister and warmer... kinda like your nose does.
But yeah, getting an inhaler and eventually adding a daily inhaled steroid has made a really big difference in my life.
Because I always assumed that what I felt was, well... normal. Then one day my boyfriend came back from a run gasping for air and I said something about how much I hated that lung burning feeling... and discovered that he felt no such thing.
I cannot thank you enough for this video, Mildred. The fact that your inner monologue sounds so similar to mine (and that of a lot of people here in the comments) is in equal parts concerning and reassuring. It helps to know that no matter how bad you feel about yourself, you're not alone. But at the same time, it's insidious how the food, fitness, and fashion industries operate by selling remedies to the misery they sew and perpetuate. I'd go as far as to say that it's psychological torture for profit.
Thank you SO much for this. It's like you made my brain out loud. Especially with the added gender dysphoria. Also that thing you said about exercise feeling awful and never getting better: I recently discovered this is a trend among ADHD brains, because of how we deal with dopamine (or in our case, don't). It's not that you're particularly "bad at exercising", we literally don't get the same neurochemical benefits as neurotypical people. I always thought this is a personal failing of mine, but this has really changed my perspective on it. I will never enjoy exercise, but if I treat it like any other kind of body maintenence, say, showering, it makes more sense.
Another ADHD brain here.
I'm not fat, I'm actually struggling to keep a healthy weight in the other direction (I don't know why) but I still need to exercise.
I really struggle to do exercise, I really need to find something that I enjoy that just happens to take physical effort.
...and then if I do I go beyond the point of what's healthy because I'm not aware of when things are starting to hurt.
I know you already know this, but this is such a good video. When I was at my lowest weight as an adult, I was so ungodly unhealthy. I was horribly depressed, barely ate anything, went out drinking every night, and basically subsisted off the calories in whatever liquor I was drinking. But hey, I was pretty skinny, so people complimented me a lot! It's taken me a long time to take a healthy approach to my body and accept that I have the frame of a Midwestern woman! My body is designed to walk into a field, pick up an injured calf, and carry it back to the barn to take care of, when I'm actually eating healthy and exercising, my body is going to be bottom-heavy and that's okay! These days I focus most on incorporating as many fresh fruits and vegetables and protein sources as I can, and still give myself the grace to enjoy a fucking cupcake every now and then because the world is fucking on fire and we're all probably going to be annihilated in a nuclear war in the next 20 years so why not enjoy a fresh-baked loaf of pumpkin bread instead of beating myself up for it!?!
Anyways, I also have high cholesterol-and have had it since I was like, 14-despite not eating meat! The absolute wonders of this hellish meatsack we're saddled with in this life.
Every single time I want to shy away from a video topic for fear of being “too” honest, I’m going to watch this. Thanks, Mildo.
I'm genetically lucky in that I have been and probably will be very thin - a barbie body, essentially. I never worried about weight... but I had acne, long term, consistently, and it continued into my adult life (and was worstened into actually disfiguring cystic acne).
When you weren't talking about health "concerns" explicitly, everything else you said, nouns changed from 'weight' to 'face', was how I felt about myself. I felt so much at odds with others - fat people would make comments about my body like 'I wish I looked like you!' but I couldn't get across enough how much I hated myself anyway, and how it expressed itself so so much like the words you used.
Thank you. Thank you for this.
If it's any consolation. Everytime you don't resort to consumption to fill the void of shame corporate ghouls have inserted into your psyche. A group of executives and shareholders have to suffer cocaine withdrawals.
If you're compelled to read the comments, just know that we appreciate the quality and depth you put into this video
We love you, thought slime
Thank you for making us good content
I have been looking through these comments for several minutes now and I have to say, this might be the most positive comments section I've ever seen. Kudos to you. You have inspired many and have contributed to the enlightenment of many more according to what I'm reading. A far cry from the fears inside your head. I relate to that evil inner voice so, so much. Thank you for sharing this.
i've had struggles with eating disorders since i was thirteen, and it's been ongoing for years- periods of recovery, periods of relapse. i've currently been in one of the worst relapses i've had in a long time, so this was honestly difficult to watch, but this video still gave me some hope.
i'm gonna try to eat something because of this video.
This video captured exactly, almost word for word, how I talk to myself in my head. Especially the part about feeling sorry for yourself and then being guilty about feeling sorry for yourself. Really insightful and important stuff
When I first got on stimulants for ADHD I lost 50 lbs in the span of just a few months. This was after a lifetime of being on the fat side of chubby.
I was regularly seeing doctors at the time, and not one was concerned. I was still technically "overweight" so no one blinked an eye. Until I went to my yearly gyno appointment. I offhand told her that I had recently lost a bunch of weight and she was immediately alert. She asked me specifically HOW I lost the weight and wanted to make sure I was eating enough. She was concerned for my health. She seemed mostly satisfied with my answers, but I could still tell she was worried. It was so jarring to me and I will never forget it.
I've been off my drugs for a while, and of course I've gained the weight back because that's just what happens. I honestly really need them again, but I'm concerned with falling back into those disordered patterns. It's not that I'm concerned about losing weight. Weight fluctuates. That's life. But I'm concerned with falling back into WANTING to lose weight.
Why is it that the gyno is usually the one who notices that kind of thing, rather than the GP? I just.
@@kaitlynnp582, I would guess that gynos are more aware of the negative health effects of rapid weight loss. Mainly loss of menstruation and fertility.
Losing your period (I forget the technical term) when you're still developing can have huge ramifications for the rest of your life.
@@Sandreline amenorrhea. I had that for years while I was a collegiate distance runner.
You have to basically train yourself to eat again. After 'forcing' myself to eat for a while(~6mo of conscious effort), eventually the meds stopped affecting my hunger in the same way and I gained a little over half the weight back, which is where I wanted to be anyway. Adderall XR being the medication.
Also, a messed up thing is that I kind of hoped for the weight loss side effect of adderall when I was prescribed it, but I didn't have that problem. Just a dry mouth.
thank you for this. i struggle with body dysmorphia and it’s so hard. it hurts when people you love try to compliment you but you’re so used to hating yourself that you automatically assume “oh, they’re just saying it to be nice, to be polite, they don’t really mean it.” i feel like being queer + physically disabled + autistic also doesn’t help. i have a little mean part of me too but that’s largely from the “people in my head” disorder and not the angel/devil metaphor.
thanks for making this, mildred. it really means a lot. i hope that you’re in a better place emotionally after making this.
my partner said something to me the other day and it gave me some insight, and i hope i’m not overstepping by sharing with you as well, but he said, “we put too much effort on telling people that they have to be pretty or funny or beautiful or interesting, when really we should be focusing more on if you are kind or reliable.” i don’t know you as an individual person, but the work you make is very kind, and you are making a positive impact on people. i think that’s good enough.
lots of love. you deserve it. ❤
brief edit: i want to clarify i don’t think that fat people can’t be beautiful or pretty, only that it’s considered a deviation from normative beauty standards. i hope it’s clear from the rest of my post that that’s what i meant, but i literally woke up from a fever dream terrified someone might think that and wanted to edit my comment accordingly.
I wish for you less stress about others misinterpreting the things you say attempting to be kind. We all misspeak or can be misinterpreted in part because everyone who hears us has their own internal filters.
The pain of being offended, if you come from a place of love and thoughtfulness, is possible, but at least 50% or more due to what is going on inside those people instead of just what you said. You aren’t responsible for other’s bad takes.
PS: I actually just talked with my partner about praising our son’s actions like reliability, kindness, and efforts to grow and change *instead* of his looks or “being smart”. We both are trying to do this better for him and the other kids we interact with regularly.
I haven't finished the video yet, but I have to say something. I also had an eating disorder that I eventually just kinda...stopped after enough time. No one saw any issue with mine either. It's a strange way of being when no one intervenes, when it just peters out. As you grow, you learn how wrong that way of thinking is, how harmful it is to you and other people, but just learning those things doesn't stop the thoughts, the ones reenacted in the video. You're left sort of deprogramming yourself, so you end up with these contradictory beliefs--that yes, everything about internalized fatphobia is morally horrible and makes no sense, and yet...it's so intuitive that it feels like denial not to believe it. Because everyone does, it's believed so fervently that it has developed a kind of social truth, part of the social pact that we adhere to. And those can't be easily argued against, which is made all the more frustrating when there IS an argument to be had, when there IS scientific evidence that then becomes moot. Defying that becomes Herculean, especially trying to do it alone, because suddenly truth becomes transgression, becomes excuse, becomes self-destructive denial in the eyes of others.
So thank you for this. It makes me feel seen in a way that I've rarely ever experienced.
Thank you for making this. Even tho I lost 100+ pounds after weight loss surgery I hate the way I look more than I ever have. I've been having panic attacks simply because I feel ugly. The feeling is so strong it causes an overwhelming panic and my body tightens and I can't breathe. The way you described how much you hate your looks is heartbreaking but it also made me feel less alone. I'm sorry you've been in this much pain for so long and again thank you for being vulnerable and making this video
I hope you can get help for your feelings about yourself. I think EVERYONE has their own kind of beauty. You may not be traditionally beautiful, but I don't believe you are ugly. Only psychopaths and sociopaths are ugly.
@@i_love_rescue_animals thanks. I've been working on it. It took me until I was 35 and many toxic relationships (not just romantic/sexual) to finally decide that I want to truly value myself. I'm done treating myself the way some people throughout my life have. I have a long way to go tho 😅
The scene where ThoughtSlime confronted their devil made me think about two concepts from psychology that have been really helpful for my own mental health:
1) an "inner critic" as a symptom of CPTSD; and more generally
2) the idea of "protector parts" of a person from the Internal Family Systems method of therapy.
I cannot put my compliment in different words than:
This is art and I am proud of you for pulling through.
Be kind to yourself, too. In the meantime I'm gonna punch my shoulder devil, he's been getting rather uppity.
This really did feel like… not a poetry reading but not a video essay, a performance piece. It really came together beautifully
Environment really does play a role. I was in Denver for 6 weeks. Every day after work my wife and I would drive 20 minutes and hike 3-5 miles. My body loved it because I haven't had a soda all year and I don't put sugar /creme in my coffee. Now I'm back in Chicago and now most spaces that are worth walking are hours away. The past two years have been brutal because the only exercise I have had is walking my 15 year old dog on short walks because he can't go for miles like he used to.
I appreciate you talking about these struggles because dismorphia is almost always in the media as a female issue that only females experience. It's been brutal to live 40 years of my life unsure that what I'm feeling is actually normal.
This was...a big mood. I'm quite fat myself, and also trans, and hoooo boy did a lot of this resonate with me. Especially a lot of what the inner demon character was saying - very good touch to have them use your deadname (or birth name? Not actually sure if you've stopped using it, but yeah) I definitely feel that. I especially resonated with the bit where you touched on body dysmorphia bleeding into gender dysmorphia. It's actually why it took me a while to realize that I was trans (not that you need dysmorphia or dysphoria to be trans but I didn't realize that what I was feeling was more than just "I hate my body because it's fat" but "I hate my body because it's fat AND this whole other can of worms.")
This video was a bit difficult to watch, but also one of the best and hardest hitting I've seen in a long time. It's nice to be reminded I'm not the only one to feel this way, and if you do read the comments, I hope you get something similar out of those of us that can relate to your struggle that you shared here
This hit really close to home for me. I nearly had an eating disorder chasing numbers as a teenager, and as an adult I stay the hell away from counting anything (kilometers, pounds, calories) because it's bad for my head. I see a monster in the mirror, and avoid looking at myself. My inner critical voice is so loud, and difficult to win against... This was too real T_T Of course other people suffer this stuff, but it was like a punch in the face to see it in this video. Parasocial relationships as they are, I've never related this hard to a yt video/person on a screen. Thank you for making and sharing this. May we both be compassionate to ourselves, and find a way to live a good, happy life.
The only exercise I enjoy is so embarrassing I have to have like a tomb to feel comfortable doing it regularly. (It's just dance/beat saber. I like jazzercise ok. I fucking love it. Unless I am perceived in which case I don't do it for years.)
If you like beat saber, try thrill of the right too
"Unless I am perceived in which case I don't do it for years." Dude, I fucking feel that.
@@egg_bun_ my brother in law moved in with us and after like a month he came home when I was mid jazzercise and I stopped for like 3 years, well after he'd moved out. Shit's rough.
I've had exercise induced asthma for my whole life, two decades of undiagnosed and untreated ADHD, and later sleep apnea and type 2 diabetes. I've tried several times to lose weight. Even in marching band, where I wore 60 pound drums and walked on my tiptoes 75% of the time, practicing for an hour a day 5 days a week, I did not lose weight. This video made me feel very, very seen, and I cannot thank you enough for being brave enough to make it
This was really affecting and powerful and I can’t be the only person who saw themselves in it and needed to hear it. Thank you
You saw yourself battling with the propaganda corporate advertising deliberately instills in you. To compel you to buy things you'd otherwise never even think to want.
Been watching your videos for a while now, never been much of a commenting type, but I have a strong urge to say something today. Maybe you'll never see this, but anyways...
Thank you so much for making this video. The pain and vulnerability must have been brutal, putting yourself through all that introspection and writing down those raw thoughts and emotions, you've done something really special here. Before I knew it, the video was over, but I suspect the emotional impact will be long lasting. As I watched you lay yourself bare, I could feel my own sense of inadequacies stirring within, the same thoughts from the same devil on my shoulder, I won't say I've had it as bad as you, not that comparing pain is really a valid thing to do but I don't want to stake a claim where I haven't had an eating disorder. But, hearing you speak the words and thoughts I've often had myself, about having too much stomach, a strong dislike of exercise, and all the conflicting emotional reactions to the "science and information" surrounding health and wellness and body image, it really resonated in a way I hadn't expected going into this.
But, most of all, thank you for that pep talk at the end. It's a hell of a thing to reach someone through the screen, through the series of tubes that is the internet, to find someone who resonates with your sadness but then to pick them up, to elevate them, to make them feel better about themselves, even if it's only for a moment, even if our collective belief wavers at times, it's a hell of a thing you've done here.
I don't know if anything I've written is particularly coherent, I'm just writing from the heart here. Even if nothing else makes sense, I just want to end by again saying: Thank you for making this, thank you for sharing your insecurities, for being brave. You deserve to be happy, I hope you find that place soon, you really and truly deserve it.
I'm not fat, but I do struggle with some body dysmorphia, and it's very reassuring to be reminded of all the different ways society has been constructed to encourage me to feel this way about my body. "Ipso fatso" was also very funny.
the realization: "I dont have to have the goal of losing weight" was rather intense for me. i knew it logically, but i hadnt understood it till then
Mildred, if this had been a live on-stage performance, I'd have given you a standing ovation. This was magnificently powerful. I legit teared up some parts, too!
I found out I have high cholesterol some months back, and it scared me so bad. But the only instructions I got from my doctor were "eat healthier and exercise," and since I had no idea what that even meant, the only thing I knew to do out of panic was restrict my food consumption... I'm still trying to figure out how to "eat healthier" while trying to keep my weight stable, because I don't want to lose weight at all...!! I feel like I have to learn "how to eat" all over again from scratch, and it's immensely overwhelming. I wonder constantly how people just intrinsically know how to do this already... Especially since everyone seems to think the magic solution is "Learn to Cook!" And I ... just can't? I either undercook things and risk food poisoning, or I burn things and have to throw it out. :\ I really just wish someone could create a food schedule for me... of things I didn't have to spend 40 minutes cooking three times a day, and I would just follow that! Something tells me that our general societal delivery of the mysterious and vague instruction "eat healthier and exercise" is... insufficient...!
My mom has a nutritionist at her clinic who specializes in her particular needs, and her insurance covers the visits. Maybe there's a similar option in your area, if you'd like to check it out and find some support.
> I got from my doctor were "eat healthier and exercise," and since I had no idea what that even meant, the only thing I knew to do out of panic... "Learn to Cook!" And I ... just can't
Well, jeez, it's not like there are ample information resources available in some kind of world wide information network to help you decide how to reduce cholesterol through diet and exercise. And learn how to cook.
Measure, set temperatures, use timers and thermometers. The people who do it effortlessly spent the time to learn how, they didn't magically already know. I've been cooking for 40 years and I still measure, set temperature, use timers and thermometers. The science always works.
Everything is practice and habit.
> things I didn't have to spend 40 minutes cooking three times a day
I've been making 3 meals a day since I started work from home 3 years ago, and I don't think I've *ever* spent 40 minutes making a meal. I suspect that you're lying to yourself because, ultimately, you'd just prefer not to learn anything new to effect change.
I had a doctor's appointment with my partner - just a meeting a new general practitioner thing, very casual, we were both seeing the same guy and figured we could just be in the room together, and after outlining that we had essentially identical lifestyles, he weighed us. He gave me a full plan on how to lose weight and a (thoroughly bogus) PCOS diagnosis, and told my partner "you're actually a bit underweight!" and left it at that. I think about that a lot, and how later I changed the medication I was taking and the gradual weight gain I'd been experience suddenly stopped and I plateaued again. I even lost some weight, without changing my behaviour at all. She (my partner) and I both face a myriad of health problems, but she is thin and I am fat, and that means we both get poor, yet disparate, healthcare.
I know this comment will get lost in the midst and your video is a couple of days old by now, but thank you for giving voice to my own demons. There’s something empowering about sharing our stories and yours echoed mine in a way that somehow made me feel valid and worthy of love and happiness. Thank you for every ounce of courage it took to make this. I hope you learn just how valid and beautiful you are one day too.
Currently having a crush on someone, the bad voice is screaming at me, while the kind voice tries to convince me he/they are probably fighting a similar battle... its really messed up (which makes the bad voice stronger)
Yes. Just, yes.
Mildred, I'm astonished at the intensity you've got here. I can begin to imagine writing a script like this, but I can't even get near to imagining performing it. Much less putting it together into such an effective piece of art. Thank you.