I worry that I’ve gone past the point of no return with my child, who I fostered/adopted (significant trauma) and is on the spectrum & has ADHD. I became more of a permissive parent due to his adopted dad (now my ex) being verbally abusive to him; so now any slight request I make, elicits such a strong reaction/threat response where I’m being cursed at or threatened with physical violence. And when I try to connect or even sit near him I these moments, he wants me far away ( or so he says). How do I build that safety back up with this 10 year old, that is a lot like a porcupine, that anything and everything I do, is seen as a threat and he is just so dysregulated and explosive?
Hi, can you elaborate on how to create that feeling of safety in that moment after your child has hurt their brother or broke some boundary. Can I ask my 5yo in a calmer moment what might help him feel safe and follow that advice (if any!) or what do you actually do when your kid has done something wrong then runs away from you! I don't know how to reconnect and create that safety in those moments of anger and distress
When your child does something they know is "wrong" and they run away, they are afraid of your response, but also afraid of having to face the truth that they did something they are not proud of. The way to help them feel safe is to say "You must have been so upset to hurt your brother. I'm right here with a hug when you're ready." If indeed they have hurt their sibling, then tend to the sibling until they are feeling better. It is not an emergency to go after your five year old who has run away from you. That also gives you a chance to calm down. Then, you can sit near your child and start a conversation. The way you create safety in that conversation is always to begin with empathy: "That was so hard, wasn't it? I know that wasn't what you wanted to have happen. You must have been so upset. Can you tell me about it?" If your child doesn't want to talk, you can describe the situation as well as you can, with as little judgment as you can manage. Your child will correct you if you're wrong. After all, they had a reason for what they did, even if we wouldn't consider it a good reason! There are a lot of scripts and tips about this on the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids website. You might want to start here: www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/child-hits-baby
Wow!!
I worry that I’ve gone past the point of no return with my child, who I fostered/adopted (significant trauma) and is on the spectrum & has ADHD. I became more of a permissive parent due to his adopted dad (now my ex) being verbally abusive to him; so now any slight request I make, elicits such a strong reaction/threat response where I’m being cursed at or threatened with physical violence. And when I try to connect or even sit near him I these moments, he wants me far away ( or so he says). How do I build that safety back up with this 10 year old, that is a lot like a porcupine, that anything and everything I do, is seen as a threat and he is just so dysregulated and explosive?
Hi, can you elaborate on how to create that feeling of safety in that moment after your child has hurt their brother or broke some boundary. Can I ask my 5yo in a calmer moment what might help him feel safe and follow that advice (if any!) or what do you actually do when your kid has done something wrong then runs away from you! I don't know how to reconnect and create that safety in those moments of anger and distress
When your child does something they know is "wrong" and they run away, they are afraid of your response, but also afraid of having to face the truth that they did something they are not proud of. The way to help them feel safe is to say "You must have been so upset to hurt your brother. I'm right here with a hug when you're ready." If indeed they have hurt their sibling, then tend to the sibling until they are feeling better. It is not an emergency to go after your five year old who has run away from you. That also gives you a chance to calm down.
Then, you can sit near your child and start a conversation. The way you create safety in that conversation is always to begin with empathy: "That was so hard, wasn't it? I know that wasn't what you wanted to have happen. You must have been so upset. Can you tell me about it?" If your child doesn't want to talk, you can describe the situation as well as you can, with as little judgment as you can manage. Your child will correct you if you're wrong. After all, they had a reason for what they did, even if we wouldn't consider it a good reason! There are a lot of scripts and tips about this on the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids website. You might want to start here: www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/child-hits-baby