Your Parent Superpower: Co-Regulation
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- Опубликовано: 23 ноя 2024
- What is Co-Regulation and Self Regulation?
Why is it important for parents and children?
Co-Regulation occurs before self-regulation.
Co-Regulation is the ability to monitor, to discipline, to be able to keep yourself in balance when things are a little bit off. Co-regulation occurs because someone else helps us regulate ourselves.
Sometimes we don’t realize that another person is helping us stay balanced and emotionally regulated.
So why is it important?
A dysregulated child is not able to regulate themselves in the presence of a dysregulated parent.
Yelling or threatening a child who is having a meltdown or tantrum is not the best solution.
So how do you teach self-regulation to your child? Here are some tips I’ve used for myself and for my clients.
Soooo helpful. My daughter and I used to have instant screaming matches almost every day and I always wondered why she chose the consequence rather than doing the right thing. It was all about the inability to regulate herself. This all makes so much sense.
Your child is still forming the part of their brain that calms them - when you're little the emotional part of your brain is dominant. Lead with empathy and attunement. Don't just tell your child you understand, show them. Remember that kids and adults aren't so different. If you were taken to a car dealership and told "pick one and it's yours", you would likely be overwhelmed. Becky kennedy says kids are born with all the feelings and no controls. If your kid has a tantrum, imagine yourself in the car lot trying to pick your free car. If someone tried to interfere, you might have a meltdown too.
I really appreciate you and your content! This is the type of parenting I practice and it can be extremely hard as a single mom living away from family and when not many people understand this or practice it.
Would love to hear how adult children in life can corregulate without visiting a therapist, in their daily routine life if they had childhood trauma and looking to live normally
People talk about widening your window of tolerance. The best way to do this is to have a secure relationship - someone who is available to comfort and encourage you. But when we're adults we can't be available to each other 100% of the time. Think of your most trusted person in your life and how they make you feel. Internalize that image and use it when you're stressed. Or better yet, imagine an ideal parent - like a movie star. Make them a person who knows exactly what you need to hear or to feel. Use this image to help you. Whatever characteristics your parents had that weren't good or helpful, imbue your imagined parent with the opposite. And remember that trust requires repair. We all mess up. Apology and forgiveness are fundamental. Knowing we can make mistakes gives us permission to grow.
@@Dd94949 thanks for your kind helpful response
What a fabulous resource! I'll be sharing with my clients and social media followers. I teach this in my Family Transformation Project and your organized, detailed description is sure to be sooo helpful!
So simply put. Loved it
Thank you and bless you for answering the call to post this very informational video. Your posting has a ripple effect and I already see my student self-regulating more quickly with the support of my being mindful of how I present myself🙏. This poor child has been through too much, very grateful to you.
Very thorough explanation and examples! This is the perfect video to relay to my sisters what is hard for me to tell them directly about how they respond to their kids.
Thank you! It is really nicely explained.
Thank you so much
thank you ma'am it is such an awesome video involves a great information love it
Also can you go over How to repair if a parent does it wrong… and model it. I do better if i can see it modeled
This was very helpful. Can you help me with my Ability to overregulate because i have a child who has Adhd and is oppositional.. and then dysregulste . He escalates and blows up no matter how hard i try to Regulate , reflect .. Talk about how hes feeling.. and he fixates on things like if we have cake or Christmas is coming.. anything exciting.
We are getting to a place where he can kind of regulate Before an event but almost always the social situation goes bad.. and it results in escalation. I try so hard not to threaten or hit him.. (were talking not often) but He has this weird place he goes to that appears like complete sensory meltdown and to prevent t the escalation. Its as if the sensory of the spankin regulates him.. but im trying so so hard to Not do that.
Context : I worked as a social worker…. I worked with mean, rude people who i was 100% at managing skillfully anger .. but i did t feel it or experience it. Now im having to work through my trauma and realize his behsviors trigger me and my answers are shit down attempt to wait out his behavior .. and then yell..
I say .. Dude this is going to a place we both dont like.. we agreed if you dont like me yelling then you would listen to me Before yelling so that i know my words matter..
This reaction type situation typically follows a special occasion.. like too much excitenent sends him into dictator which sends me into go away….
Love this
I didn't know co-regulation occurs before self regulation. Is that based on polyvagal theory or can I find more research on that elsewhere? I'd love to learn more about why that's the case as I would have thought self regulation is important first. Thanks for the help,
Brian
Maybe because we start with co regulation at birth and we are social species. I knew for kids co regulation was most important, but everyone?
What do you do when you have no time or means to meet your needs as a parent? Audhd adults and kids. One with pathological demand avoidance. Sensory overload and no sleep on repeat. 😢
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