How to heal after betrayal (with Lysa Terkeurst)
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- Опубликовано: 18 июн 2024
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SHOW DESCRIPTION: In this podcast I talk to best-selling author, public figure and mother Lysa Terkeurst about healing after betrayal, how boundaries help us avoid extremes, finding resilience after a crisis, what healthy conflict looks like, and so much more!
On the eve of her daughter’s wedding, Lysa found out that her husband of 30 years was having an affair and had a whole life outside of their marriage. Even after years of counseling and therapy, Lysa’s husband continued to live a life outside of their marriage, while Lysa was also experiencing a number of serious health issues, including breast cancer.
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EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS:
1:38 Lysa’s story
6:10 Lysa’s amazing new book on boundaries & goodbyes
7:48 How healthy boundaries establish access & responsibility in a relationship
9:42 How to set healthy boundaries
10:50 Boundaries are not about changing other people
13:28 Examples of boundary conversations
17:00 The relationship between grief & boundaries
18:00 People pleasing & boundaries
22:22 How to avoid feeling guilt over setting boundaries
26:50 The difference between a difficult & destructive marriage
29:15 How a traumatic relationship can affect us mentally & physically
30:35 How boundaries help us avoid extremes
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*DISCLAIMER: This podcast and blog are for educational purposes only and are not intended as medical advice. We always encourage each person to make the decision that seems best for their situation with the guidance of a medical professional.
Women aren’t the only ones who get cheated on. I am a man who has been 100% committed to my marriage covenant. My heart was crushed by the love of my life by her having an affair along with countless lies. I don’t know if we will make it or not I am turning that over to the Lord and trusting in him to bring healing. I wish there was more support for men who get crushed like I have been
Mike I am sooo sorry to hear this. May GOD heal both our heart. I too DONT know if my marriage will work . My husband had an affair as well and he seen her last Sunday altho he told me he had cut her off. I’m currently separated and GOD told me to LET GO. waiting on the divorce till GOD says. It’s soooo sad how betrayal hurts. Praying for you.
Praying for you to get the support you need and for the Holy Spirit to heal and comfort you❤️
I’ve heard women tend to cheat for different reasons then men
I’m sorry to hear of ur heartache
It’s certainly very painful n can effect every area of one’s life for years to come
Sorry this happened to you it is so unfair. Jennifer
There’s a book written by a man who has experienced the same “ The Supernatural Power of Forgiveness “ by Kris & Jason Vallotton . I be been reading it and it’s sound help.
These type of people (partners) want you dead and they do it slowly and deceitfully - would never kill you themselves but would love you to be so distraught that you do it to yourself.
I hope everyone sees this comment, bc as controversial as this truth is, it needs to be shared to save lives.
Thank you for this post. For years I remained in an unhealthy relationship in the name of “being a devoted and helpful” wife. I finally realized I could not save my husband: only Jesus saves, not me. I needed to save myself.
Ohhhhhh my goodness! I can guess from the story I am hearing most women is going thru hardships right name, our physical body can’t handle all this, I was diagnosed with things I can’t even remember the name anymore, the brain fog are real, I was sick from head to my feet, got divorced, look at God giving me air to breathe again, because I couldn’t breathe for so long. And the church, Lord have mercy on us, no one can hurt as much as church hurt, religion is created to control but Jesus came to set us free🙌🏽💕
Sooo good! I love @theology&therapy
O😊😊00
Yes religion is deadly
Hmm.
That's so helpful.
Mental health is a commitment to reality “! Boom! So many us us only see what we want in loved ones, not the reality!
Accepting reality at all costs!
Yes! I'm holding on to that line too! 💯 🙏🏼❤️🩹
I personally have an issue with the word “boundaries”. I get it, understand it but had one best friend who read a boundaries book and basically divorced me. It blindsided me. Eventually I realized she had a narcissistic personality. She felt that it was everybody else. Took me years to understand. Also, my ex husband who gaslighted me. That was before I even understood the word. Now I am trying to heal, but I’m having trouble with trust. What an exhausting journey.
She is the BFF every woman needs! What a saint.
Truly. I wish I had someone like her in my life. I do have a few close friends who get it but they are busy with their own lives and I am truly humbled and grateful for the support and kindness they bestow upon me but Ms. Tyrkerst has such a powerful yet gentle way of bringing out the truth about a very nuanced grief.
I was married for 16 years, but we became emotionally apart from each other. Arguing in front of our kids. Our kids are affected by all they witnessed. I didn’t want a divorce, went to counseling, saw our pastor…everything to make it work. He didn’t want to stay together. I prayed and asked God for help on making a decision. He clearly accepted our divorce. My kids and I are doing much better. I’m not saying …get a divorce…but think, pray and ask God. He does answer 🙏
It’s amazing how you know in your heart, when He answers!
Thank you for sharing this. I've heard that "only you and God know" when enough is enough. I'm in the valley of decision right now after 17 years marriage, and like you, I do not want a divorce and am doing indvidual counseling and also just called my pastor today for guidance. I have been praying non-stop about this, wanting to make the correct decision. Thankfully no children are involved, so at least that type of heartache isn't another layer of pain.
True, only God knows the end from the beginning. Have you considered Paul's words? " If the unbeliever chooses to stay, let them." God has a way of finalizing, resolving, such questions. Rather than stress over divorce or not, rest in trust that He will resolve? Reset focus on your intimate relationship with Him, to entrust your situation to HIM by resting ftom your inner battle?
@hischild8899. Very well said and encouraging.
Appropriate boundaries and higher access require higher responsibility. I had to get rid of a friend because of this. You cannot change a person and so I had to reduce level of access because of their behavior. This person would never even apologize for wrongs and didn’t change their behavior. This person didn’t respect boundaries and gossiped about me in business settings. It really solidified that I had made a good choice. I would rather be around people that are truly caring , loving , trustworthy friends. We only get so
many hours in a day. Choose people who are life giving, not life depleting!
Thank you both sooo much for addressing religious abuse. I was in an almost 10 year marriage to a what I discovered recently was an abusive sociopathic-narcissist. A "Pastor" & his wife told me our marriage issues were my fault & if I'd simply go home & submit some more the physical, psychological, emotional, abuse would disappear. Thank God, He spared my son's & my life. We are both still recovering & covet your healing prayers. God bless you!
Yeah abuse thrives in a church for a reason.
I was thinking of the verse to lay down your life for a friend but then I thought DEFINE A FRIEND.
Why would we diminish the beauty and purity of a heart that is so full of hope for those we love?
It is important to point out something. We are born again with the Spirit of God Himself within us to lead us.
When we speak of trying to change others we must be clear no one is beyond God's ability to change and only God knows if they will eventually, or not. Repetition of bad behavior is not.
Secondly, much of our emotional and physical trauma happens because we are trying to control what we can not control, not because God is telling us it is hopeless.
Unless the Holy Spirit leads us, we are living in and exiting based on our own strength.
Reality is what God sees, not out limited POV.
If the Holy Spirit says go, go or stay, stay. Ultimately, we will give an account if we disobey HIM. We must settle in our heart that in ALL situations HE has final say, He is Lord.
The bank account analogy is great. On Dr. Ramani's channel, I learned about "firewalling." We protect our emotional passwords and vulnerabilities from toxic people from doing harm to us.
Love Dr Rimini she's great. What's firewalling?
Healing is process and a journey by itself , different people take different time and when on the journey it’s all right to take rest and appreciate yourself on how far you have made it physically and the observe the fact that it is getting better n better n easier to take deep breaths of fresh relaxing positivity cos negative vibes disappear with these toxic people.
Thank you Lysa for commenting on that verse "God hates divorce " That has kept me in an abusive relationship full of infidelity for 27 yrs.
Love the thought shared “learning to love without losing the best of who we are”. ❤
I know what she means when you find out and the timing couldn't be worse! Bless her, the day of the rehearsal? I found out about my husbands long term affair 3 months before I was to deliver my grandson, my daughter and her husband chose an unassisted home birth for their 4th baby, So I had to hold it together as much as possible until the baby came, I fell apart soon after. My heart goes out to every betrayed. It's been 3 years and 3 months, I still have trauma symptoms at times and complex ptsd. Jesus is the only truly faithful one.
The Lord spoke to me and said I know you want this relationship to work, but unfortunately there needs to be 2 people who work at it, and if they do not want to respect you , you cannot force them, in other words it take 2 to tango, this has released me so much, I am only responsible for myself, and my biggest problem was I just failed to repsect myself and so is it any wonder others didn,t respect me, like the bible says let your yes be yes and your no be no. Lisa you are so right you cannot force others to change, that would be manipulation and wrong. xxx
We just need to be honest 1st with ourselves particularly for our children sake. Healing is a process. Ladies let's forgive ourselves
This just popped up on my newsfeed today. I went through a horrendous life altering experience with a man in the church, who had a very high level of authority, and sadly he ended up being quite a surprise when no one else was looking except me. Changed everything about my world. I'm so grateful to be out of that, but it does leave lasting consequences in your life and you have to release it to the Lord in order to grow and change and it certainly does make you examine what caused me to end up in that situation to begin with and why did I stay so long until I was set free? It was a clear set up, and I was completely naïve. But not any more. Experience is an exceptional teacher.
I'm so sorry Lysa you had to experience such an unfair marriage.
I went thru my own trauma from my sons dad's betrayal and abandonment.
Even though I wasn't married to him, I treated him like my hubby and so did my family. 24 yrs later, I'm now married 7 yrs. To a faithful and decent man and my son just earned his Associates degree.
God has been so good thru all the trauma.
My son survived unscathed and not aware of the hurt I experienced.
So I praise God that my son turned out saved and pretty optimistic about his own romantic life and nothing like his Dad who ended up getting married and cheating on and abusing his wife.
Still in shock 20 yrs after the divorce. Depends how seriously you take marriage.
When your family have let you down its not betrayal maybe but just as bad. Mother, father siblings all let you down. I dont think that is possible to overcome before you die. If the family members admit their misstake soon enough it might save you, otherwise not mainly bcs you loose your inner security and few people will understand you, the rest will blame you and treat you with prejudice causing you to be lonely.
People can overcome anything. However, it takes work and nothing happens overnight. People will not overcome anything with Debbie downers in the picture.
@@Confessions089
Overcoming having been betrayed by your family and living being betrayed, bcs it keeps going unless you can admit mistakes and forgive, is not possible.
The wound is too big to heal and like I wrote, noone will understand you or take your side. You will be alone and viewed with prejudice as a criminal bcs that is how people think.
No one in my family has admitted to anything and I’m not only alive but starting to thrive. Slowly but steadily I am on my way!
@@Gemmarose9012
Look, I dont want to risk damage your success but I will argue against your argument if you are saying you can overcome what Ive described.
My arguments are like my previous but maybe Im wrong maybe its possible if you are a sociopath or made really strong bonds to childhoodfriends that you still keep but loising your family and being betrayed by them pissing in your wounds is a big wound that will hurt your whole being.
@@Gemmarose9012
Btw, you still seem to elude to still having communication with your family. That is not the situation Im talking about, Im talking betrayal of life.
Lisa, I've seen many of your videos. I know your dad left when you were a child. My dad left, abandoned family when I was 4. He was mentally ill. All my LIFE unstable, narc type men pursued me ( my mom is narcissist ) only to abuse or abandon me. Did the Lord tell you to marry your ex? I know you have children & that's great but did God tell you to marry him? Ive been divorced twice and its heart wrenching . Post divorce, same thing. unstable, crazed men. Narc men. Men pretending to love me and the Lord. Please be careful as the devil is relentless and he's a repeat offender.
Lisa, I’m so blessed by all the wisdom that the Holy Spirit reviewed to you and you shared on your book good boundaries and goodbye!
I learned on my walk with God that even God himself gave a bill of divorce to Israel because of her prostitution. Jer3:8 KJV🙏🏻
This book impacted me so much. I have gifted it to 7 friends. Between those 7 friends it’s being shared within their friendships. This book was so needed. I believe it’s her best work. To see what she had to go through to write it is incredible. None of us would want her to go through it to write it. But God!! He does not waste anything!
Wow. Deprogramming from all the heresy taught in churches- where a false, milk toast Jesus has been served up for years, is a devastating plight for many. Questioning Christian women’s right to set boundaries is inconceivable to me and shouldn’t be necessary if living a truly Christlike life. But thank goodness someone is addressing the woke, virtue shaming culture many have been indoctrinated to serve. Great conversation. Thank you.
Can someone talk about how Lysa didnt end the marriage? The husband already ended the marriage with his actions. She just filed and acknowledged the reality of what he already did. Research supports it’s not usually the guilty spouse who even files for divorce any way and it sounds like he abused her since he was lying and gaslighting her about the affairs and addictions.
Thank you so much. Incredibly beautiful women with powerful testimonies. I am healing within a difficult marriage,. We are processing together what is happening and how to learn together.
Boy did I need to hear this today! Thanks ladies.
Thank you for sharing this conversation . Thank you
OMG…. You are describing my current predicament.
I will hold on Just for one more holiday and then boom. Another shocker drops.
I’m a new fan! What a great interview and so much wisdom here. Thank you Dr. Leaf for sharing
Great conversation. Thank you!
Wow! She just read my soul ❤
Amen!!!❤️❤️❤️
I will be buying these books!
So well articulated by a heartfelt person. Thanks for this! 💗
So excited for this interview! I love Lysa T ❤
I ve just came across your chanelll ( seen you as a guest somewhere).We ( women ) need wisdom from clever women!!! THAAANK YOUUUU!
Phenomenal video.
Thank you both, this is such a blessing!
Thank you both so much, This has been vital. God bless you both
Very thorough proving content
Your friends are so helpful! Thank you for sharing this.
This is so relatable. Thank you for sharing your experience and heart!! I appreciate you both!!! ❤️
Absolutely amazing. Incredible wisdom.
This story sounds so similar to mine and just validated me in so many ways.
Thank you for this interview! It was very helpful and eye opening. I can't wait to read her book! Dr. Caroline Leaf, I love your show!😊❤
Excellent and helpful information. Thank you very much! I’m glad it came up. I’m sharing, sharing sharing. I’m also applying the knowledge shared. 🙏🏾
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the fact I cannot change any one, to change the things I have been given the grace to participate in changing what I have been assigned to. Give me the wisdom to know the difference.
2 of my absolute favorite authors & warrior women
Thank you both so much ❤
Incredible dialogue. Thanks ladies.
Going through this now.... Excellent advice. Thank you. Please keep helping, you're making a difference Lysa and Caroline.
The first betrayal is usually the Mother and family dysfunction being perpetrated on innocents.
Amazing. To be so sensitive and articulate about this subject which is clearly deeply painful. Amazing. Protect that inner child at all costs. I have a deaf, blind, 91 year old Terrier needing a walk and a car ride. Now. Right now. Demanding, did I forget that one?
I bought Lisa’s previous book “Forgiving what you can’t forget”, and read it after I found out about my husband’s secret life over a period of decades. I feel that that book was obviously written too soon, but I think you should have at least referred to it.
This is so apt, thank you so much Lysa TurKeurst for been so vulnerable about your experiences to help millions of people. God bless you real good 👍
Dr Leaf, you're amazing 👏, your neurocycle app has been a life saver for me, thank you 🙏
Lysa, your honesty has helped me process a very similar situation.
Love your bible study Lisa...Carolines too !!!
🌈⭐️💐🦋ThankYou🕊️
So helpful, I loved the conversation at the end also, it’s so true! So many relationships are dying from so many misunderstandings and lack of peoples timely communication needs!
Mental health is a commitment to reality…
At all cost. Great comment.
Wow ! So many great insights in this conversation, thank you so much for sharing this.
This hit home so bad❤ thanks so much for this much-needed talk.
I need to take that step
I have been betrayed by a colleague. She was stealing money from the company. And she made outstanding though she was very ones friend at the office meanwhile she was busy destroying the company 😢
There is a great christian Movie Fireproof, Cameron Dirk stars in it. Lesson we can learn is we cannot change others but God changes them. Many of my divorced friends tries to change their parners through criticism, and contempt.
We can always learn these lessons. Prayer is the answer. Great podcast!
SELF CONTORL AMEN
what a strategy, access and responsibility.....if they are at a level 3 responsibility, giving them accessability at a level 3 is better for my own mental health...😊
I just bought the book
Waited 21 yrs too many for him to come around. He had plenty of chances, change wasn’t something he was willing to do: in marriage counseling, he told the pastor it was my fault, end of story. I was trying to understand my husband, however he was unwilling to truthfully be open abt why he did the things he did. He’d pretend it never happened, when I observed his flirtations with my own eyes!!
This is incredibly sad and noone really wins and i wish i could fix it...i have a friend going thru the same thing after 30 years..they really tried...
Finally, a rrally God centered response to the phrase "jesus laid down his life and was abused by the world"... but for a higher purpose! Not to accomodate sin! Thank you Lysa!! I SO needed to hear that!
Radical Acceptance!!!
After learning that my wife had been date raped (raped by the man she had been cheating on me with) the first thing that God spoke to me was forgive her. He beseeched me for 2 days, then showed me something that soften my heart. We are still together 20 years later, I'm still struggling with betrayal trauma. The hardest part was I couldn't leave her, it would cost her life. I think that was the most traumatic part of all. One can only imagine the grace of God and His forgiveness that he would ask a mere mortal to forgive such a transgression ..
Same harrowing experience for me.
You can't change anyone. Only God has this power. We must learn to love selflessly. Otherwise we will have expectations that cannot be met. Our Father is faithful and true. We can trust Him always.
The God first... programe.This allows us to love ourselves first , until you lean in to your spiritual growth and make that space for YOU.
Nothing will change.❤🙏
THATS GOOD ANALOGY
I'm not aware I've been betrayed. I do have a huge stack of bills turned over to collection because I moved to Kansas and people pretend to be my spouse. That's weird. That is manageable. Nothing requiring therapy. Thanks.
What’s bad is I found out my husband was fooling around after he died . He was 42
❤
I almost didn't recognize you Dr. Leaf! You look refreshed, what's your secret? 😊
Why is Lysa’s books & website info not in th show notes???
How does someone heal on the other end of the spectrum. I battled really badly with thoughts of other men when i was in my previous relationship?
If I only do this ..one more time... and wait and wait and wait and wait...it'll change toxic hope???
Men experience this as well
I wish she was really explicite to the level we can relate. There are real sufferer who struggle to express or understand it. A Speaker need to make it personal to help other to be aware of their suffering. Be more specific please Lisa that will help others deeply
She does in her books . She is careful to not bad mouth her kids father for their sake and level of their understanding for their age.
What is the issue
❤
How does one heal from Migraines? A loved one has been suffering for years.
Fasting could help with migraines.
Thank you 🙏🏻
Depends. They can be mind/body. Meaning, it’s our internal unresolved state that creates them.
Could be some PTSD. I'm just guessing. I'd fast as the Lord leads. Eat healthy and get fit. Spend daily time absorbing the word and stay in fellowship with other sincere believers. I feel for you. I don't have migraines but serious debilitating sleep disorder and its horrific.
@roseannbrower4196
Need to take a Magnesium supplement...be prayed over for Gods healing..Are you Born Again & a Follower of Jesus that has a personal relationship with Him?
Reading His Word gives light , meditate on it..pray..
Why are you deleting my comments please. I would like to help.
The Bible says nothing about divorcing because of safety. That can pull many into the wrong agreement. The bible from the beginning to the end is very clear.
Truth!🔥🙌🏻
They betrayed themselves
Well I dont new how to start this realasoship agian ?
You wouldn't do cpr on someone with cancer and osteoporosis because you could kill them. I think if you had a double mastectomy you would also be more delicate. Along with your bank cards in your purse I would keep instructions just in case.
Hi I love your podcast. And also Ms Lysa however I cannot bring myself to agree with how most Christian marriages are ending up in Divorce. Didn't Jesus say NO to Divorce? There are no conditions either to this command.
We vow for better or for worse! The unbeliever spouse can leave according to 1 Corinthians 7.
Is Divorce God's idea of a marriage?
You aren’t reading the whole Bible.
Jesus divorced Israel.
Read Matthew 19
Ofcourse,infidelity should not be in a christain marriage.
He moma,
I’m just concerned about this one red flag 🚩 when Lysa said she saved herself. We can’t save ourselves, only Jesus does the saving and He should get the glory
He never tried. If he had it would have worked.
Subhanallah
You can't control what others will do
As long as you choose to do good all the time
This life is temporary
Patriarchy demands women self-abandon. Religious patriarchy is the worst.