Crushing Grief, Heart Cracking Open, Unraveling, and Rebirth after Relationship Ends
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- Опубликовано: 24 фев 2017
- Hello. Thanks for checking out my RUclips channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Crushing Grief, Heart Cracking Open, Unraveling, and Rebirth after Relationship Ends
In this video, I talk about the profound intensity and transformative process that happens when inconsolable grief crushes our sense-of-self, leaving us to question reality and truth as we have known it. This can happen when an important relationship ends.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Crushing Grief, Heart Cracking Open, Unraveling, and Rebirth after Relationship Ends 
Хобби
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RUclips. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RUclips. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
I really appreciate your gentle, beautiful, wise and healing presence. You bring so much light and love to this world. I can see you put your heart into your work and you really shine!
This describes exactly how I feel thank you
You’re saving lives man.
Amen to that - I agree!
I genuinely, hand on heart, kept having suicidal thoughts after a long term breakup. I knew that after 12 months of it ending I shouldn't still be feeling this intense intense pain. I was so thankful to discover his videos.
@@RachyNoodleNest same here , he's a saint ,a logical saint ,
I hope you are continuing to prosper and thrive , life is hard but thats the beauty of what it is to be a human,
My eternal gratitude to you Alan. I have watched this video several times and still moves me so deeply, each time to new depths. ❤🌷❤
@@RachyNoodleNest update? I would like to know if you’re feeling better:)?
I had a very similar awakening. It was profound." My existential question was feeling unloved. It was an emotional profound loss of a relat. So, I was walking down a lake path crying uncontrollably.. Almost a daily event. So, one day while sobbing about whether or not I was loved, I prayed: "Please higher power, please SHOW ME A SIGN THAT I AM LOVED.
As I drove home I see an overpass with a huge banner that said: YOU ARE LOVED!
This was so profound to me. When I related it to others they couldnt relate, even though I had pictures. of that banner. Another time I saw the same large banner in the middle of the high desert. It was draped over a tractor: YOU ARE LOVED!
i DEEPLY, TRULY relate to your spiritual and yet surreal experience with the crows.
Thank you for sharing
That is a beautiful and amazing story. It really does help to ask for help & guidance.
Profound! Thank you. What an incredible, dare I say, life changing experience you had. I relate and had similar experience that changed my life, giving renewed FAITH in life.
I miss her so much. She just walked out and never said a word. The last thing she told me was I love you and I'll see you tonight, then she just changed her mind and she Was Gone. It's been been months now, and I feel I am walking in a graveyard . I just don't understand why. I can't sleep. I can't believe I have to go on. Tears just keep pouring out of my eyes. My heart hurts. I am so disappointed in how carelessly she came in and out of my life. All I know is you're the only relief I've had for a while. Thank you.
Clinton Michaels hang in there man...
I hope your re-birth has come in the most profound way!
How are you doing buddy?
Clinton Michaels and I feel confident to say that you are so much better off to not have someone like that in your life!
You are not alone. I pray for your healing and understanding. You will love again. Hang in there OK?
Peace and love to you.
Got broken up with a month ago. So heartbroken. Trying to work on myself. Realized I have a lot of unmet emotional need injuries. I always felt that being in a relationship was supposed to be a healing/therapeutic process, wrong. Love is not enough, even when you both try. Tragic. Time to heal.
How are you doing now?
Love IS the key. That leads to everything else. Staying just bc it's someone to poke, hold hands, hug and help w bills is definitely a no no. Has to be for a reason wayote than that. If u can't picture yourself without them, then uay have soemthing. If the thought of soemthing happening to them gut wrenches you and makes u feel sooo down and sad, again u may have soemthing there. BOTH have to be this way.
@@daviedood2503 "Staying just bc it's someone to poke, hold hands, hug and help w bills is definitely a no no." This fear / insecurity has kept me in miserable relationships before. Now I've proved to myself I don't need that to be happy and it's all just additional it's a good feeling. Just need to take my "walls" down as I'm finding it hard to move on.
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Alan, I am speechless. This is my favorite of all of your videos. I am honored that you shared your story with us. This was exactly what I needed to hear today. I am cracked wide open and I thank you for the reminder that I am not alone, and that I can compassionately be with myself during this rebirth.
Amazing hey!!! I love Alan speaking from this angle too
My thoughts exactly. What a gift 🌹👍
I feel exactly the same as you Debbie🙏 what a relief 🙏
Alan is amazing. He so full of knowledge and wisdom. Watching his videos are changing my life!
I feel cracked. BUT - I am on my new journey of becoming my NEW me. And learning so much about my NEW NORMAL. I have lived a lifetime of such aloneness and co-depency. I am unraveling slowly. And YES - pulling me apart. So much of me is being cracked open bit by bit. And WOW! - It is very scary for me. So profound for sure!
I have lived my life full of shame and not being felt scene by my Family. I have always felt very irrelevant to my Family. And treated very badly by them. I have ALWAYS been the scape goat. And the black sheep of my family. I have never felt ENOUGH!
My 21 year old son is very narcissistic towards me also and treats me dreadfully. I am going through life changing shifts.
It isn't easy BUT - so very necessary for me to evolve and live my BEST life!
Alan is a true genius too me. I am learning so much!
So much gratitude. 🙏
I experience a breakup atm, and I am crushed. I can’t eat, cannot really sleep. I was expecting so much from that relationship and can’t accept that it is over now. My whole being is in panic mode and I just want to heal.
Never thought I have this strong of an attachment trauma.
But I feel every word you say. And feel understood now at least. During the last week I thought no one understood.
Thanks.
How are you now?
how are you doing now that 2 yrs have passed since you wrote this?
I'm in the same place right now, I hope you're doing better♥️
Same here. I feel i was happy just so i can suffer better
It feels amazing that someone on this earth understands what's going on in my reality right now. And can articulate the experience in such a detailed way....Thank you Alan.
“You are consciously participating in your own death”. I just can’t believe that you can verbalize exactly how I feel.
This is amazing. I left my husband in 2017. I fell in love shortly after. I remember at the time describing my feelings for the new person in terms like “my heart cracked open”, “my heart is an ocean”, and I also used the analogy of seeing in color for the first time like in the Wizard of Oz. The person I dated after divorce left me in 2022. I was completely crushed. It was as if every trauma and unresolved grief in my life hit me at the same time. I couldn’t eat, i lost 15 pounds. I couldn’t run, or listen to music. I couldn’t watch TV or movies. I couldn’t do anything because all of it triggered my grief. I had panic attacks where i felt like my chest was being crushed and I couldn’t breathe. I’ve cried every day. EVERY DAY since the day he left. This video FINALLY explained these feelings and tied them all together. I’ve put together the pieces and finally, I understand that is isn’t my ex, this grief is much deeper. I had just attached it to my ex and made it about him, which I thought meant he was ‘the one’. I now know thats not true. He was ‘the one’ that cracked my heart open and allowed me to recognize this grief within myself. Thank you.
Thank you for the meaningful comment and for sharing your experience. Many of us have also been there. Glad this video helped put the pieces together.
It wasn't too long ago when this topic came up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. The conversation was similar to your comment. If you're not familiar with the Community, take the relationship quiz to learn more www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Alan! "tell a wise person or else keep silent". Yes! Yes! no one around me can understand. I will hold this magnificent quote close to my heart
Donlynn M
"Dont throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and attack you."
Shes a narcissist
Dear sir, thank you (again) for your insights. I felt aknowledged when you mentioned neglect as abuse. As children we were fed, clothed and went on nice vacations, but the not spoken message was that children were not to be seen or heard. We were ignored.There was no mirroring of our feelings by my mother or father. He was physically and mentally absent, she was mentally absent. My identity from 4 to 12 was the smart kid, because then school was easy, by the age of 13 I no longer knew who or what I was, because in the other school all the children were smart. Not many people realise what ignoring and neglect does to a child, for a long time not even myself, after all, we were fed and clothed and never beaten. I just thought I was crazy and had to get over it. Your stories and explanations help me a lot, thank you again and I too loved the poemsgreetings from Rotterdam, Netherlands
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice -
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do -
determined to save
the only life you could save. -Mary Oliver , The Journey
The suicide, death, rebirth part resonated so much for me. I have been switching between feeling so grateful and awaken and feeling so disconnected and ‘dead’. It has freaked me out at many moments and this gives me some peace. Thank you ❤️
I'm glad to hear this video brought you some sense of peace. Many of us grapple with this. It's so important to keep talking about finding our way through liminal space. Thanks for responding.
You have amazing insight and a gift for communicating the complexity of trauma and the effect it has on our reality. Please keep providing such incredible information. BLESS YOU, Alan!
"Giving birth to yourself is life's greatest goal."
That struck me. Sometimes I've been close to leaving the wasteland, but these last couple of days I took a wrong turn and I'm back in. It's all so difficult.
Alan, I too experienced immense heartbreak 4 years ago. 10 months of therapy, many tears later...here I am.
Meditation, sitting in silence, kundalini, close friends helped tremendously. In the end, discovering no one can help me but myself.
Videos like yours has also helped me understand the process and most importantly shining a light on my own behaviour has helped.
Thank-you! 🙏💞
how are you doing now friend
How on earth did you get sooooo amazing at expressing life’s experiences!!!! You really are spectacular!!! ❤️🙏🏻
Yes!! This was me! crushed, reality was suddenly nothing like I believed it was. I started working on where and why, and discovered issues from my childhood I remember feeling this way. My journey now is very different to what it was. I am starting to feel whole...probably for the first time since I was a young child. I am now in person centered therapy to connect the dots and build up all the bits of me that were lost. Yes it is hard hard work, but so deeply fulfilling. 💖
what is person centered therapy...how do I find?
smallhitch farm I used the therapist directory in the UK...not sure where you are but there may be something like it?
Alison Leggatt I'm also going through a divorce and it's killing me but I'm also going to trauma therapy and it's really making srnse
Alan you are the ONLY person on this whole internet to understand and perfectly describe what It was like after my break up. I thought I was becoming mentally ill! I’m an anxious and I eventually went back to my dear avoidant man, I could only handle two months of that insane misery. I’m so happy to know it wasn’t just me. I love all your vids, I have learned so much. Thank you.
It's been devastating because i guess i thought she would always be there and someday we would be together. She's definitely not interested in working it out and acts like everything i say or do is annoying. I'm spiraling because i had my hopes set on this time being different. However, it's pretty clear to me now that I would have to get abused, shamed, and forget about validation in order to stay with her. .. which I could never do. I'm heartbroken that i fell for such a monster. Makes me believe i was making her out to be special & kind in my head all this time.
He left me an hour ago.
Thank God that I can listen to you.
I am devestated
How are you today?❤️
It’s going to be ok?
Sending you love and support 💕
Thanks a lot for this video ‼️ After been cheated, I spent a lot of time crying and wondering what I did wrong... I found out that I wasn’t perfect but I always gave the best of me and that I was really in love with him when he cheated and I didn’t deserved that. But that wasn’t enough... more crying later I found the second and biggest truth: My parents lied to me. They always said that if I do good, NOTHING wrong will going to happen to me. They controlled me with that and I unconsciously believed it until a few months ago. That’s why the cheating “didn’t make sense” because I was a good wife... Now I know than been good is not like a protection charm. Now I know that we have to be good because that’s the best way but good results are not guaranteed. That’s my new reality and it changed me a lot. Now is harder to smile.
you do such a good job of expressing and explaining my feelings, it's been the worst year of my life having my grief come alive
How are you feeling now?
I've been in this condition for 5 months
I pray it gets better. I'm really struggling
Thanks Alan I can tell you have been through this yourself since you described it in perfect detail. It helps me understand it better
How are you feeling now 4 years later
Alan! YOU ARE PART OF MY SYNCHRONICITY !!!! You changed my life! I cried so much.. u understand me so well!!!! Oh dear this is spot on!!!!!!!!! This is it! This is exactly it!!! Uhhhh listening to this is the most amazing moment!!! I am no longer freaking out! Blessings from Madrid!
You are a living angel. Thank you for everything, Alan!
I was riveted by your insights and the generosity to share it. So apt and simple yet profound
You are incredible. I recently found your videos and they have sustained me for 2 months now. This one about grief arrived exactly when I needed to hear it and was ready to understand it. Again, you are incredible. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You. Are. Incredible.
How are you doing now two years later?
I thought I would die 2.5 weeks ago. I felt so much, I thought I'd die from feelings. But the simple aid of a friend by my side telling me that I should go into and through the feelings, for the first time I truly, fully went into the pains of dying (psychologically).
My body went transparent, my cells turned inside out, I was atomised and then finally I disappeared.
After falling asleep that night, I woke up the next morning and embraced with my open arms the sensation of not having died, but being more alive than I've ever been. After this, my life has not been the same and will never be - and I'm so grateful for that. I've been stuck, to the point of bordering on psychotic for especially the last three years. Now, my feelings are fleeting, surfing, existing, I just am most of the time.
I'm lost in having found. My hair is on fire, but it is ok - because I'm running at a steady pace into life and it is just making me feel alive, finally.
Sharing with people who don't understand completely feels ok, because my compassion is within me and I'm happy if they just want to listen (which they do).
Amazing video - it is such a profound hour of on point wordsfrom you. Thank you.
Zende. Thank you for your comment and your story.
Oh my gosh I totally get this. I am creating my new self. Everything and I mean everything feels different. Do not be stillborn again. Wow wow wow! This has been years in the making. I feel like I'm bursting. The poems were so perfect for this experience.
I understand completely. Alan, we love your openness, your reality and your truth.
I understand completely. Alan, we love your openness, your reality and your truth.
Holy shit... I am so grateful to have stumbled across this video. You have described to a T exactly what has been happening to me since a relationship ended a few days ago. You could not have articulated my experience any better. This gave me hope. Thank you!!
This is insane.
I thought something was so wrong with me...
Others did too...
I had never experienced heartbreak...but you described it perfectly. :-)
This is some of the most powerful content I’ve seen on RUclips up to this point. Thank you for what you do Alan
Thank you for valuing my content Chris. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Agree! 🙏
Dear Alan, it has now been 4 years since the death of my Mother . In that time i was exiled by former close family who were bribed, manipulated and lied to my eldest covert narcassist sister. I was the family scapegoat all those 60 years , dearly loved my other siblings, neices , great nieces and great nephews. All of whom were taken over to the dark side. It's a very long story. I haved have searched all those years for some healing and understanding and I have now found you. I shall work my way through your teachings. I thank you Alan.
Oh wow, you talk about being ignored? That was my childhood, teen years and it crushed me. I felt invisible and unloved. My relationship with a fearful avoidant has now ended, 11 years of marriage and i feel ripped to pieces. I feel 11 years were wasted waiting for the normal relationship to happen. I didn't stand a chance. I am doing EMDR therapy to work on the deep attachment issues and lack from childhood. True trauma.
It’s going to be ok 🙏🏻
Hi Alan I can’t thank you enough for this video. My grief is gone. I had the same experience few months ago when I was crushing in grief. Your video saved me. This is the second time. You are my savior. Thank you so so much. Words can’t express my gratitude.
Hi Shanthi. I am glad to hear you're finding benefit from my videos. Thank you for valuing my work. Good for you for participating in your grieving and healing. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know my video was helpful.
This was exactly what my tortured soul needed to hear. Thank you for going first so that you could have the perfect words to give me enough comfort to not feel so alone in the abyss. In this, I found some scraps of peace knowing others have done this too and it helps me in the process of starting to move to the surface again.
Empathy to you Diana. I'm glad you liked the video. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins September 7th. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
It is so nice when someone shows me care and generosity - I just have to remember to keep the kindness in perspective.
Dear Alan, thank you from the bottom of my broken Heart.
You are bringing light to our Darkness and giving us the hope to feel alive again.
I have been struggling for two years , and thanks to your videos i feel that i found my way out and a chance to have a fresh and healthy start.
God bless you 🙏
Thank you for your kind words and for watching my video. I'm so happy that this has resonated with you and that you are finding value in my work.
Empathy to you for your struggle, but it's great to know that you feel that you have found your way out.
Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. Again, I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow, this is exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you. I do not have time for bullshit, I have important things to do!
Thank you so much for your videos I'm crushed o pieces my emotions are changing rapidly and I thought I needed to be committed
Hayley Hilton I did too...That feeling has passed, Thank God. I hope you feel better now.
I feel the same. Like something is wrong with me.
I’m a mother of three daughters. Young teen and two teens....... I was ignored as a child and learning how to mother myself and heal.... I catch myself seeking my girls out and singing to them. Obnoxious songs. Songs remixed with their names in it...... I look for them and ask them how they’re doing.... what they’re doing. What they’re thinking about. Almost like a five year old. I kiss them when they’re at the computer trying their best to ignore me. I try to dance with them..... I basically annoy the mess out of them because I NEVER want them walking around in life thinking their mama didn’t want them around. That still hurts me as a woman and I refuse to have my kids feel that. I would rather them be sick of me loving them , than have them sad because I was never there.
Wow. I was breathless, sobbing, smiling, riveted. Thank you, Universe for bring me to this man’s channel. When the student is ready the teacher arrives, right? Thank you, Alan. Your videos require serious effort and dedication on your part, and I appreciate them more than I can express. You are really doing good in this world.
Oh Alan- you had me at Carl Jung...lol. Seriously, I completely agree with the transformative nature of intense suffering. The dislocation you feel is right on path. I love that you touched on spirituality and your nuanced take on 'psychosis'. The world does indeed start speaking to you in symbols. Please don't lose this sensitivity, this intuition in lieu of scientific rationalism...there is a space between them that is so so rich in knowledge and compassion. There needs to be an on going conversation between those two worlds- the feeling and the logic. Being so open to these feelings within you- your clients will definitely feel that, and they will trust you with their stuff. I am so glad there are therapists like you. I really enjoy your work.
And I am been in the middle of terrifying grief for the last year.. Great anecdote, the tree, the crows, the tornado,wind ManSure- yep the Universe spoke to you.
Alan you are describing grief so well. I can't let go of my ex, I'm just so totally addicted to her presence and being. She doesn't even treat me well but I dont care I'm just so desperate to be with her but I can't be and our 25 year marriage is over. I'm so scared of having to accept it that I've been in denial for years. I think it is basically addiction and could be anything. I do believe I'll get through it though but Christ it's tough.
I have felt the same way. Your going to be ok...
It will get better I swear. I never ever thought I could get past this addiction to my ex but by Gods grace I woke up and realized it didn’t hurt and it blew me away.
I couldn’t believe it.
It will happen to you too.
I promise🙏🏻
I’m sorry I hope you’re doing better
I hope you’re doing better!!
More people should be watching you. Thank you Alan.
You are divine! I've converted to you! I love you.
"You do not have time for bullshit!" Amen, brother.
I love your story. I was cracked open and it was the best thing ever to happen to me despite the extreme suffering.
I appreciate your nuanced and philosophical approach to problems. Thank u
This is so helpful… no one has verbalized my experience so precisely 😢 I’m glad to hear I was not the only one to experience this but on the other hand I wish I never had to go through it
Glad this video is helpful. Empathy to you. Wishing you self-gentleness.
Many of can relate with going through it as well. Grieving is a topic that comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks Alan, I am 67 my GF broke up with me on New Years day,I have been crushed I had felt I was to old to go through this. 10 months later it still is profound sadness,but maybe I still have a journey to complete.
Your “man sure” story is just gorgeous - from a heart cracking open
Absolutely. I was very very confused when I went through this . When I look back it's one amazing transformation. At the time I was in despair and couldn't cope with going to bed and not wanting to get up in the morning :-(
Natematics, The reason I created the membership community is because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This is his most vulnerable of videos-feels like a conversation with a wise friend.
Thank you for your kind words Deanna. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Yes, the psychic cracking open, so much so that I asked my therapist about schizophrenia. No schizophrenia, just normal human transformation process
200 crow, powerful
Alan, I bow to your ability to articulate this experience. I have gone through exactly this this last year. I kept telling loved ones that the only way I could explain it was that I had been cracked wide open and had been crushed to a million pieces. It is amazing- the grief is unreal and I am so grateful the the deep awareness. I, too, experienced intense symbology and messages from the universe over and over. So grateful for this journey now but there were many many points I didn’t know if I was going to make it through.
Angie, Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Yep, you have pretty much describes it...profound grief, sadness, guilt, crushing loss...can’t seem to run or hide from it anywhere..
Empathy to you. Glad this video resonated. Grief is one of the topics we discuss in the online community, Improve Your Relationships. It has a video library with 24/7 access which includes a section of videos on the topic of grief.
Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. Please consider joining us in the conversations. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Every word you have spoken here
is my own.
------------------------
My god into your hands I commend my spirit
Make of me what you will.
I surrender.
Profound vision, very symbolic as life mirrors back our internal struggle at the point of deepest connection. The fire has been anger in the beginning but now the fire is my burning heart desiring a transformation of all parts into a cohesive whole, fully integrated propulsion pushing me to where I'm suppose to be, loving place, secure in knowing life is a struggle, be real, be me in this experience that is fluid. I appreciate so much your deep sensitivity and concern for self and others. Thank-you for sending me in the direction of knowledge and acceptance of self. Much love (((💗)))
You have validated so many experiences I have had and am having right now. Jaw dropping, deep and insightful. I think you just saved me from utter despair. Thank you so much Alan. Words are not enough! 🙏💖
Funny I stumbled upon your videos - and especially this one - while being in the process of cracking open. Feels exhilarating to hear someone else describe my experience. Thank you Alan.
Such profound insight and information in your videos. You are a blessing!
Thank you Alan, this is what Im going through although its stabilising a little now and I'm excepting the waves crashing now, and its so nice to hear you express it, I feel blessed to have been going through this awakening especially as I see the pain and suffering all around me and seeing people numbing it, running from it and denying it consciously or unconsciously feels like i'm powerlessly watching people sleep walking their way through life. sometimes its scary and some days its lonely and some days I do feel crazy, hearing you share your experience gives me hope and energy to continue this journey. Thank you Natalie
How in the world did you just explain the last year of my life perfectly. If I ever return to therapy,I'm just going to forward this video to the therapist because this is spot on exactly what I am experiencing. The only way I have found to describe it is a spiritual awakening through grief that exposed shadow work
Thank you for valuing my content Sarah. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Whilst I'm grieving at the age of 51 from a break up 8 months ago and series of rejection in relationships...my ex is on her 2nd partner. I prefer to heal and now grow.
Im sure I have an existentially induced ADHD. There is no time to waste yet there it goes and I'm in constant grief about the life I wanted. Yet gratitude in the little things is what saves the day and again I'm overwhelmed with emotion.
Thank you so much. Alan. This is exactly how I feel after the breakup with the love of my life.
I was profoundly affected by this as it's EXACTLY where I am right now. I am in soul healing as result of emotional abuse but didn't know what to make of the mental/emotional wringer that I'm in right now. I was amazed, as you talked, that it's EXACTLY what I'm experiencing!!!! Thank you yet again for your articulate wisdom. Bless you.
Watched several of your videos today. The first one on grieving. I had to put down my two dogs this year. Hawk he was 13 and Eboney she was 16. They were brother and sister from a different liter. I got her at 2 months old and him at 5 weeks. I have always been a dog lover. As I was telling a friend the only love we got growing up was from a dog. So relationships have always been difficult for me and family. But since losing both of them this year plus retiring I am going thru some deep emotion pain and slowly transforming emotionally, mentally and spiritually. You hit the nail on the head about being ripped apart. I know I could go out and get another dog and I will eventually. I just feel deep in my soul that I need to heal my past. I love listening to your videos. You are deep and Buddha. I quit drinking and smoking over ten years ago. At that time I went thru some deep emotional transformation. I read the 12 step Buddha by Darren Littlejohn. Very intense and transforming. Focusing on anger and resentment. When you lose your pets and retire it feels like a title wave of the past overcoming you. You seem to know this state of emotions. I just want to thank you for your work. Deep identification.
This is phenomenal. Thank you for being who you are. You are here. You are real. And it has all been worth it.
Alan. This talk is so profound. I just feel every second of it. How you articulate it and how you tell that story... I got goosebumps the whole time. I have a crazy synchronistic series surrounding seagulls and the book Jonathan the seagull as I was in the process of profound grief and was wondering who I was and whether I could be free and be me. Be authentic and whether I was not alone in this world and there were other people like me. I felt so isolated in my search for the truth and in my grief in the family and I was in therapy at that point. Wow. When I was at therapy one day I told my therapist that I was feeling ready to “fly”. And at that exact moment more than 20 birds sailed on the window and we were both very surprised at this thing happening and then they flew. After that day crazy synchronicities around the book Jonathan the seagull started happening, I started to see the book everywhere yet I never read it before but when I read it I just felt so understood and it was my story and it was the most validating thing ever in my life. All of my life made sense. And I also got a confirmation on I’m on the right path and relax dude it will all work out and you will serve the world. All of the sentences spoke to me on a profound level. And then people around me started to mention that book to me and I was speechless because what were the odds. It repeated itself
For 7-8 times. And at that time I was deciding who I was and was thinking of moving to Europe and becoming a psychotherapist myself. And then another crazy set of synchronicities happened around developmental psychology. I was asking the question whether I was fit for developmental psychology because I was so good with children and understanding their needs, I was neglected and had developmental trauma and through my own healing I came to understand children and their emotions so well. I asked the question one day (it always happens after I ask questions. When I get confused I ask questions and it comes from an intense place and then somehow I receive it) that if it was my job to go with developmental psychology. Wow you won’t believe this. But it’s true. I was thinking of that question and then caught a bus. I sat down and my attention were suddenly drawn to a young lady who was sitting on my left side, not very close but a litttle far away. She had a book on her lap but I couldn’t read the title because her bag was sitting on it and hiding the title. But I knew, in that instant that this book was a developmental psychology book, I was sure that it was it and it was my answer. I kept staring at her for a while but also was very curious to see the book. After like 5 minutes the bus stopped and she was getting off. She got up and I saw the book. There it was. Lifelong growth:developmental psychology. I was so shocked like it was beyond what was possible to perceive. So now, that’s my path. Hoping to become someone who can help children and teach parents the importance of emotional attunement. :) and. I love you. So much. Thank you.
I am suffering the biggest grief of my life because of the loss of a big love and this is helping so much..
Amazingly profound video . I went through this. I also had a psychic event happen with hawks not crows . The death of my old self took two years of drowning , and I emerged into the most vibrant confident and compassionate version of myself reborn.
I hadnt thought about this until you described your story . Thank you!
I also love and notice the crows.
Alan I have no words...thank you so much for your eloquent expression of a life changing shifting experience that is so hard to explain to yourself let alone others. I'm not alone. thank you I'm so grateful for you and this video you made .
This is quite odd - I was just listening to this video after a really shitty day and had a moment of synchronicity.
I recently ended a relationship and I've been experiencing some quite profound grief. Today at work, I've felt a real meaninglessness in my job as a Copywriter at a marketing agency. I then decided to make plans to travel in September, as this has been floating around my mind for a while. So, at the end of my work day, I had to give a presentation, and I let the words 'there's so much bullshit in marketing' slip from my lips, and I'm not sure it went down well. I then spent my cycle home cringing hard. I started watching this video, and halfway through my dad phoned and I asked if I could move home for 2 months whilst I save to go on my travels, and he said yes - of course, and agreed to help me move. I was filled with joy and a sense of meaning, and then I pressed play on the video, and Alan said the words 'you do not have time for bullshit.' It gave me a good laugh. Thanks for these fantastic videos, they're an incredibly valuable resource for people who are suffering.
Your videos let me know that at least somebody understands what I'm going through as many don't. Grief has many levels and I am in Tartarus. This is about the 4th or 5th time in my life that I've had to wade through this. I hope I make it again. It never gets any easier...harder if anything. Your descriptions are so on point. Thankyou so much 💔
Hope you're doing better now and have moved past it! I'm going through it again now for the fourth or so time in my life as well. This one is tough because it was wrapped up in such a great origin story - meeting on the other side of the world - and a year into healing from a previous relationship. This one has also had a few breakup-makeups now, which I've never experienced before, but I have a gut feeling that this one was the last one -- the other relationships, I took on much of the blame for screwing them up, and the shattering when they ended was commensurate, but even though I knew deep down that this relationship/she wasn't right for me, I tried to make it work harder than I'd ever tried before and tried to show up and put my best foot forward *most* of the time. But even in the face of knowing the relationship wasn't the right one to go long-term, it's still so so so hard to let go and the nervous system is just on fire seeking out when's the call/when's the love/when's the fun filled date to look forward to....
Wow, talk about synchronicity! Today is my Wedding Day, and the pain and grief from my family of origin, has literallly cracked me open, but this video has spoke to my soul. I feel like I am still moving through my emotional wasteland, but I can see a way through now. I will listen to this video a few times I know. I’m about to marry a wonderful and supportive man, and I finally feel like I see a way to deal with the anguish and pain of my family of origin. I feel like a phoenix rising.
Totally! I've had a similar experience. Thank God for sharing this. I feel less alone in this world.
Yet my heart is a beehive. Still full of love. And honey. Keep learning & I pray peace for all
Lovely symbolism. Thank you for your comment.
I’m finding ground in your videos. You’re amazing.
This beautifully summarizes the purpose of human existence and experience, the journey of both joy and suffering is not in vain. No one you allow into your life has the answer but can only drop reminders of the journey you're on and why. Thank you for this message.
Dear Siren, nothing about this journey is in vain. You are so right about that. Glad this information is helpful to you.
I wouldn’t have survived without the knowledge you are giving, Alan.
I could listen to you until the pain leaves my heart and soul. Thank you.
Thank you for the comment and thank you for sharing my work is helpful. One day at a time.
We are allowed to go thru things to be able to then help others and it is then not all for nothing. My belief. Thank you. I’ve lived all of this.
Love this! Oh. My. God. Thank you Alan!
Love, love, love!
This is so true for me--all of this. It took me six years, but I have come through the other side profoundly transformed, as you say. All you say resonates deeply with me and I love how you convey it. Thank you for all of your videos.
I’ve been down that psychotic drain pipe. All of a sudden I just realized all is one and I felt so free and blissful then absolutely terrified. Then it was a decade of integration after that. It was a hell of a ride.
Wow! So transparent and profound. This past year of separation in my marriage was like grieving a death. This journey you share about was extremely similar to my own. I’m a person who has truly followed my Christian faith a long time and I’ve never been through a process quite as devastating as this one. My view of my relationship, my view of myself, even my view of my faith has all been laid out in the open in the ocean of my heart. I felt the ocean, too. I remember when it happened. It felt like the space (box) around me pressed out and fell away. It’s been a crazy year. But through it all, Father God has held me. All the crying and mourning (several months) has a purpose. I’m rebuilding the life I want. A much more authentic life where my voice is no longer compromised.
Thank you for this! It’s powerful.
Lisa Messina hi Lisa. I found your words profound as I’ve been left after a ten year relationship. I’m overcome with grief. How do you feel now, a year later? I’m terrified I’m going to be a prisoner of grief, regret and remorse for years to come. Forever like my life was unable to move forward after that fateful year they ended it.
@airindiana Hello, first you need to know that you are not alone and you are greatly loved! Just to clarify, I'm the party that chose the separation. We still share the house and I'm doing my best to partly manage the finances, but we have clear boundary lines about how we relate. It's platonic and civil. I cannot move out as I am financially dependent upon my husband. he is paying for my associates degree at a local community college. It's been a horrible year emotionally, I cannot deny that. Breaking free from his co-dependent orbit has been the courageous feet of my life. Anyway, everyone's path is unique. It has been softened by my family and deep friendships from my church community. They all have been extremely understanding. You will survive! First is to find your support group. You must not allow the pain to isolate you! Keep showing up for your life and your destiny each day. Second, find something of value to focus on! Move beyond distractions (...which help us get our mind off how we feel, but is a temporary survival mechanism) and make solid choices for your life moving forward.
Thirdly, I went to see a personal counselor for about 7 months. As much as I could afford. I needed to gain perspective and empathy. I needed my head on straight for me.
You are a good investment! Self care is crucial! It’s not selfish, you need to survive so you can begin to thrive again. :) God bless you 😊
(I’m careful not to push God onto people as there are varying religious views. But I found peace handing things over to my Heavenly Father. Maybe you could, too.)
Lisa Messina Hi Lisa. Thanks so much for the reply. Interesting our relationship actually ended up going “Co dep” in a way. I only realised this this after having relationship counselling a year ago to try and get answers. My ex didn’t want to come. We didn’t start out like it. And we weren’t fully co dep. the counsellor said basically I ended up with someone who started placing extreme conditions on us (long story) and I started to sacrifice myself by doing “the right thing”. It nearly destroyed me. And then she left! Feel used up. Love her to pieces though. We never faught, no cheating.
Thanks for advice. Some wise words. I’m refindjng my support network by going back to where my family are. I believe in God so have no prob with opening myself to that! I’m not a great example of Christianity as don’t go to church ha. But maybe I will.
This was amazingly helpful, thank you so much.🌷
Oh wow this is friggen amazing. Thank you so much.
A poetic reaction to exactly what I've been experiencing the last 2 years through my traumatic loss of my wife and family. I could so much relate to the symbolic searching in nature and in everyday life searching for land searching for safety searching for meaning. Searching for God. Thank you so much Alan for cracking open and showing us a little bit of your soul. Such powerful words of inspiration in relation. Love
Thank you, Alan, this is so well said, so inspiring.
Beautiful and healing. Thank you so much. Many blessings to you.
I can’t thank you enough! I’ve never felt pain like I’m feeling right now. 🙏 love of my life moved with another man,15 years gone! I’m lost. I’m completely lost. Ty for helping me
Glad this video speaks to you. Empathy to you. Many of us have been there too. One day at a time.
your incredible words are so healing. thank you!
I needed to hear that, cried throughout, thank you Alan XxX
Alan, this is profound, "cracking" good stuff. I think this is now the 15th or 16th vid of yours I've watched. Discovered you about two months ago and shared with a dear friend who, like me, went through this crushing, cracking open, on fire, devastating, crucible of crisis. For us, it was a while back. I'd experienced crushing grief, but I would assuage with a new relationship. Rebounds, right? But in 2016 I lost what I felt was the greatest love of my life. I still feel that way. I've had four great loves, but the ending of this five year long relationship obliterated me beyond recognition. Wish I'd stumbled across you then, and learned about attachment trauma. Funny, my counselor, and my friend's counselors, never mentioned this to us and we never came across it in any of the books we read, including Eckart Tolle, John Gottman, Harville Hendrix, Michael Sinclair, Pema Chodron, Scott Peck, and more. (Maybe it was touched on somewhere, but we both missed it. We were starving and thirsting to death and we missed this food, this water...)
We cried endlessly, hours and hours; in our sleep, at work, non-stop. Dams bursting. She retreated to her bed for days, weeks; we both sought out medication much like someone rushing to the ER to staunch a gushing wound from our femoral artery, we did counseling two, three, four days a week. We would've lived with our therapists. We found ourselves wishing our lives would simply cease. Not suicidal so much, just wishing for the sweet release of death.
But, as you point out, in the darkness there was empathy, tenderness, spirituality, openness, catharsis, and, for me, eventually a full-blown spiritual awakening. It was, and remains, transformational. What a profound gift! It's inspired a book (still in the works, but getting close) about the experience and coming back from this deep, deep loss, sadness and fear.
Great story about the crows - the "Crownado" (or Tornadcrow?) - the tree and the headstone. My awakening started off with something akin; a "phenomenon," if you will, where church bells were pealing and answering me. The timing was uncanny. Of course, like you, I realize these are my interpretations, my reading into things, but that makes it no less compelling for me. Now, both of us have found our purpose, our sense of self, and self-love and greater empathy, clarity, peace of mind, and more. I was already an accepting, unconditional lover, but part of my attachment stuff was to pick partners who were NOT that way, who were/are judging, blaming, self-righteous conditional lovers with checklists and a sense of entitlement. Didn't matter how mature I was, or accepting I was of her, I wasn't good enough for her. Her issues, but there wasn't anything I could do to create that space for her of trust, safety and reinforcement. So, I've had to look at my choices, my decisions, my picking partners to learn those lessons I needed to learn. Now, I'm on that spiritual path. Not ABOVE others, but on a different path.
I have been single now for three years and have no plans to be with anyone any time soon, if ever. It is so liberating, joyful, expansive, empowering, and more. Freedom. Free from being judged, blamed, shamed, measured, stressed out, not accepted, not seen, not truly loved, with no empathy, mercy, generosity, charity, etc. This is not a cop-out. I provide these things to myself because I can and because I care about myself. I didn't expect this from my partners. Not their job to validate me. But my partners expected me to validate them and more.
Now, I don't have to deal with that any more. As we all know, it's extremely rare, hard, challenging, and more, to find another human being who truly loves themselves and can love another unconditionally, with absolute acceptance, forgiveness, non-judging and no "could I do better?, grass-is-greener" musings. So many have their checklists, even when they say they don't. 95%.
My purpose on the planet, which came to me in my awakening on a beautiful, harmonic, warm wave that completely saturated me, is to "be of love, for love, and about love." This is my purpose.
And the way I've decided to do this is by loving everyone and bringing as much love to the world as I can, but not in a romantic setting with any one person. I did that, tried that, for more than 40 years. Yes, perhaps now I'd make a better partner pick, and yes, I'd maybe be better able to weather their leaving, if they do. But I believed that before and I was wrong. Again and again.
Yes, we all know relationships are complicated, tricky, and often illusory. We think we know someone and then, a year, or two, or five, into the relationship, we find out we misjudged again. We are fooled again. Reality. Even when we think we can see their reality and the reality on the table. Even when we know that ego=perception=reality. We can't control, fix, heal, solve another person, nor should we endeavor to do so, or feel it's our job to do so, and when they decide, they decide. Might be a stupid decision, in our opinion, but that just doesn't matter. At all. They leave.
So, I'm done. This is not my destiny. The #1 reason I'm not risking another relationship - and make no mistake, it's the riskiest thing any of us will do in a lifetime - is not because I don't want to be hurt anymore. That's part of it, of course, but the #1 reason for me is because I do not want to deeply hurt another human being, especially one I purported to care so deeply about, should I be the one who chooses to leave that relationship. I never, ever, want to put a loved one through this kind of wounding, even with the growth and awakening that can happen. I choose not to risk that. And the chances of that happening are great.
Well, a novel. Hey, I am, after all, writing a book about all this. This all is, after all, a very complicated, varied topic.
Finally, I totally agree with Goethe, and you, about being circumspect about who we share these experiences with, especially things like spiritual awakenings. One mentor, who is quite spiritual, advised me to not share my story with everyone; in fact, not share it with most people. He mentioned that there is a lot of precedent throughout history of people who are truly touched in these ways being ridiculed, ostracized, and even killed...He didn't have to name names, like Jesus, for instance. I knew what he meant. (Not comparing myself to Jesus at all! I must be clear there. But alluding to that idea of ANYONE who speaks their truths - often deep, common truths - being subject to scorn or dismissal.)
Thanks, Alan, again. You have helped me in many ways. You've also greatly helped my dear friend. I think she's watched, like, 40 of your vids! Maybe more. We share them with each other and with others in our lives. You are helping thousands of people! I hope you're finding love, support, empathy for yourself as well, though I suspect and trust that you are now able to provide so much of all this good stuff for yourself. As we know, we can be alone, but that doesn't mean we're "lonely." Like you said in another vid, Alan, so we'll be single for the rest of our lives: BIG WHOOP! Ha ha. Love it! My friend and I were laughing heartily over that! Even when we provide our own validation, it still feels good to know we're not alone, crazy, or cynical, bitter, etc. Namaste,
David
Thank you for sharing your journey. It is something powerful to reflect upon. He left me for someone else and sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me for feeling like I don't ever want to do this again. Currently in the depths of my grief. Hoping I get to the awakening part. Appreciate your words.
@@RoseHeartTarot how are you doing?
Thank you- you are so meant to do this. I feel calm, trusting by listening.
This is what im going through now i have not stopped thinking about her. ive cried so much ive been depressed and felt like i lost everything. after we broke up we stayed in contact but i knew i had to let completely go in order to grow and when i let go thats when it hurt so bad because i wanted her in my life.
now that im progressing in life i wish she was here to see it but i know she wont.
Thank you for sharing. Powerful emotions like this can sometimes feel overwhelming and difficult to navigate.
The reason I created the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, is because countless others have stories like yours.
This kind of grief is a topic we discuss within the Community and healing is a focus of the Self-Directed Healing. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan some beautiful poetry and great insight into grief and awakening