Kimberly and the whole team at MH, thank you for your work with marriages. You have helped my husband and me in many ways. I used smart contact during a difficult time, and it worked. I thank the LORD for you all. :)
Kimberly, I've learned so much from you and Dr. Joe. The reference to the "sun going down on your wrath," is found in Ephesians 4:26 - "Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger," which is very wise advice. If something isn't settled, it gives Diablos (the devil) opportunity to let you ruminate on it all night after He slithers in and whispers lies. At times it IS wise to take a time-out and reconvene when emotions are cooler with the aim of having a more constructive conversation and not just to "reload." I wish I could have ANY conversation with my wife. We're currently separated and she refuses to speak even one word to me. Of all the videos I've watched, I don't recall any addressing the situation of zero communication. It's been VERY frustrating. I've reached out several times with no reply. Keep up the great work. God bless you!
Stonewalling and demonstrating passive-aggressive behaviors can also be used by one or the other as a way to punish their partner. Stonewalling can be a huge red flag indicating that the person has given up on having any meaningful and productive discussions their partner or that they've basically given up on the relationship.
Stonewalling occurs because the problems that cause conflict don’t get resolved, so eventually one or both refuse to talk about it after the 1000th time. It’s pretty simple really, so stonewalling is the symptom and not the cause.
Interesting that closing off is stonewalling. What do you expect someone to do when they’ve tried to respectfully talk but the other person is still treating you the same. You’re eventually just going to check out cause talking does nothing.
Yes, while it does seem like talking does nothing, that’s not true. That’s again blaming the problem on the other person. There is always a smart way to talk to someone. A smarter approach instead of stonewalling would be to take a break, then revisit the other person lovingly. Start with compassion and empathy for their feelings and acknowledge their right and freedom to a different perspective. Voice how much I value them and our time resolving difficult things. Humble myself enough to listen, even if it’s foolishness to me, and then reflect the heart and point of their communication *before* responding with my viewpoint. This kind of gentle loving communication would radically change the tone of many negative conversations.
The response you get is the meaning of your communication. This is an NLP pre-supposition. There are ways in improving how we communicate. I am working on this myself. It’s not easy to transform but I know it will all be worth it.
Also what do you do when you trying to have a disagreement with your spouse and they fly off the handle? Every time I disagree or the kids disagree she just loses her mind and starts yelling about she doesn’t understand why everyone wants to argue and fight.
Don't let the sun go down on your anger is a Biblical principle. Ephesians 4:26 27 this is for Bible believing Bible obeying Born Again Christians that can actually be mature about a situation because what happens as Ephesians explains that you give the slanderer a door to make things worse while you sleep. This is definitely not a worldly concept
I disagree with this. Everything that I’ve read about stonewalling from the Gottmans is that it’s a physiological response. You’re flooding and shut down to protect yourself. You go into fight or flight mode. You are not doing it intentionally as a way of fighting or to hurt your partner. It’s defensive because you feel you are being attacked. It’s not a healthy response, but it is not intentional. Or is stonewalling different from becoming physiologically flooded? I want to know this because it destroyed my marriage. I was flooding every time my wife came at me, accusing me, interrogating me, belittling me, calling me a narcissist, or just blaming me and lecturing me for hours on end about what a disappointment I turned out to be. I would become flooded and shut down and have to leave. Is that stonewalling? I’m not doing it intentionally. I’m not trying to hurt her. I’m in distress and trying to protect myself from her.
Great question! Becoming flooded and shutting down isn't stonewalling, but MH advises people to try and inform the other person that you need a break for a period of time before re-engaging the conversation and that at the end of the scheduled break you follow through with re-engaging the conversation. With that being said, based on what you've described, that would of course be very difficult or next to impossible, unfortunately.
Thinking that flooding is short term behavior, during the argument itself. Stonewalling can go on for weeks and months.. refusing to engage the other person even when you are calm and feeling well.
I believe what you did to avoid conflict, is, whatever everyone is calling "Stonewalling." I'm sorry, but everyone wants to put a label or title on everything these days. You were simply shutting down and I believe you were trying to avoid the emotions that you were starting to feel from the arguing. She was throwing a lot at you at once and would I be safe to say, that this isn't the first time and it's more often than you would care to count? Are you stating that your "Stonewalling" is destroying your marriage? There is definitely some problems in the marriage caused by some underlying issues.
Kimberly and the whole team at MH, thank you for your work with marriages. You have helped my husband and me in many ways. I used smart contact during a difficult time, and it worked. I thank the LORD for you all. :)
Stonewalling is painful, and will quickly separate people
Kimberly, I've learned so much from you and Dr. Joe. The reference to the "sun going down on your wrath," is found in Ephesians 4:26 -
"Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger," which is very wise advice. If something isn't settled, it gives Diablos (the devil) opportunity to let you ruminate on it all night after He slithers in and whispers lies. At times it IS wise to take a time-out and reconvene when emotions are cooler with the aim of having a more constructive conversation and not just to "reload."
I wish I could have ANY conversation with my wife. We're currently separated and she refuses to speak even one word to me. Of all the videos I've watched, I don't recall any addressing the situation of zero communication. It's been VERY frustrating. I've reached out several times with no reply.
Keep up the great work. God bless you!
Stonewalling and demonstrating passive-aggressive behaviors can also be used by one or the other as a way to punish their partner. Stonewalling can be a huge red flag indicating that the person has given up on having any meaningful and productive discussions their partner or that they've basically given up on the relationship.
Most devastating thing to feel from a partner in life
Stonewalling occurs because the problems that cause conflict don’t get resolved, so eventually one or both refuse to talk about it after the 1000th time. It’s pretty simple really, so stonewalling is the symptom and not the cause.
Thanks. This episode was great ❤
"It's me, hi, I'm the problem it's me."
The phrase in the UK is "Don't go to bed on in amongst an argument". Great work.
Interesting that closing off is stonewalling. What do you expect someone to do when they’ve tried to respectfully talk but the other person is still treating you the same. You’re eventually just going to check out cause talking does nothing.
Yes, while it does seem like talking does nothing, that’s not true. That’s again blaming the problem on the other person. There is always a smart way to talk to someone.
A smarter approach instead of stonewalling would be to take a break, then revisit the other person lovingly. Start with compassion and empathy for their feelings and acknowledge their right and freedom to a different perspective. Voice how much I value them and our time resolving difficult things. Humble myself enough to listen, even if it’s foolishness to me, and then reflect the heart and point of their communication *before* responding with my viewpoint. This kind of gentle loving communication would radically change the tone of many negative conversations.
The response you get is the meaning of your communication. This is an NLP pre-supposition. There are ways in improving how we communicate. I am working on this myself. It’s not easy to transform but I know it will all be worth it.
Actually according to the Gottman’s up to 70% of problems in marriages are unresolvable.
The marriage counselors want you to talk about it yet again for the 1000th time. To them that’s success.
Dismissive avoidants stonewalling anxious preoccupieds is probably the number one killer of marriages.
I’m guilty of this as I don’t want to argue oftentimes but it doesn’t solve the issue unfortunately 😔
Thank you for this clarification... I hope we make it that stone walling thing is real
Also what do you do when you trying to have a disagreement with your spouse and they fly off the handle? Every time I disagree or the kids disagree she just loses her mind and starts yelling about she doesn’t understand why everyone wants to argue and fight.
I'm today's era, people have to become psychologist before they get married.
😅
I just have this question in my mind, is it all work for a by polar disorder spose that she suffering with huge anger
How did you determine BMD?
Don't let the sun go down on your anger is a Biblical principle. Ephesians 4:26 27 this is for Bible believing Bible obeying Born Again Christians that can actually be mature about a situation because what happens as Ephesians explains that you give the slanderer a door to make things worse while you sleep. This is definitely not a worldly concept
I disagree with this. Everything that I’ve read about stonewalling from the Gottmans is that it’s a physiological response. You’re flooding and shut down to protect yourself. You go into fight or flight mode. You are not doing it intentionally as a way of fighting or to hurt your partner. It’s defensive because you feel you are being attacked. It’s not a healthy response, but it is not intentional. Or is stonewalling different from becoming physiologically flooded? I want to know this because it destroyed my marriage. I was flooding every time my wife came at me, accusing me, interrogating me, belittling me, calling me a narcissist, or just blaming me and lecturing me for hours on end about what a disappointment I turned out to be. I would become flooded and shut down and have to leave. Is that stonewalling? I’m not doing it intentionally. I’m not trying to hurt her. I’m in distress and trying to protect myself from her.
Great question! Becoming flooded and shutting down isn't stonewalling, but MH advises people to try and inform the other person that you need a break for a period of time before re-engaging the conversation and that at the end of the scheduled break you follow through with re-engaging the conversation. With that being said, based on what you've described, that would of course be very difficult or next to impossible, unfortunately.
Thinking that flooding is short term behavior, during the argument itself.
Stonewalling can go on for weeks and months.. refusing to engage the other person even when you are calm and feeling well.
I believe what you did to avoid conflict, is, whatever everyone is calling "Stonewalling." I'm sorry, but everyone wants to put a label or title on everything these days. You were simply shutting down and I believe you were trying to avoid the emotions that you were starting to feel from the arguing. She was throwing a lot at you at once and would I be safe to say, that this isn't the first time and it's more often than you would care to count? Are you stating that your "Stonewalling" is destroying your marriage? There is definitely some problems in the marriage caused by some underlying issues.
there is no relationship with out rules