4 Ways to Help Someone With DID Whose Exile Parts (or "Littles") Have Come Out
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- Опубликовано: 19 авг 2024
- A response to Complex Trauma in childhood is to Dissociate; to split from the main personality. Alternative parts are created to keep the child away from the abuse or trauma. In IFS, these parts are organized into categories (Exiles, Managers and Firefighters). This video is focused on attending to the Exile parts. In my experience working as a trauma therapist, often Exiles are child parts, ranging in age from pre-verbal to teens. I hope this video gives a general guide how to handle things if an Exile or "Little" part suddenly appears in a person you are with. If you are someone who has your own Littles, give this a watch and if you think the concepts I share would be helpful for the safe person/people in your life, maybe this could be a resource you can share. I don't recommend over sharing, as there is still a lot of misunderstanding and fear about dissociation. I am striving to reduce the fear and increase understanding and healing.
![[Old] What Switching Feels Like!](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/ShdjT4VENfc/mqdefault.jpg)
I only know one Little in our system. She is always on her caregiver alt's lap. Neither one of them speak. The caregiver face is animated in response to the baby. She smiles, she shows concern or sympathy when baby is crying which can be inconsolible for hours. I'm aware she would like for us to ask the caregiver to bring baby to front so we can visit and be a comfort to her. The system is reluctant to do that as everyone has to just sit and wait till baby has chosen to leave the front. She causes the system teens to be frustrated like a sibling rivalry angst. Baby sits just looking around without any motion to her arms or legs kicking or flailing. The Little fronting appears a lot like a catatonic state to others unless she's crying. Most of the time we wake up with baby front from night sleeping. Your video helped to explain her role. So much of the physically dangerous abuses were done before I had words.
Audience are those that are learning about their condition. I’m 63 and just learning what I am. It’s good to finally know what is going on. Thank You so much.
Our littles SO liked your presentation-"you made us feel important. Thank you ((hugs))." Your voice & tone are calming and uplifting.
The (little)ones in this system dont think the trauma is still goin on, it ís still goin on.
We have a long long history of being manipulated an d gaslight by abusers and it still being done.. even and especially also in .(mental) healthcare.
It took a long road and a lot of falling apart further and further, to learn about what was wrong. And the impact from getting diagnosed at 53 official, did and severe depers and dereal and being left alone with this, not getting help .. not allowed to ask for help anymore. .
Its undo able, to get out of the stuck,
to explain in a couple of sentences
I couldnt even watch the hole video, maybe later.
But its so good to find these helpfull videos.
Thanks for sharing
I really need the right therapy. As ANP, between two littles and a hardcore persecutor/protector I have been through the mill. We all have
Oh my gosh you are wonderful! Im in the uk and after waiting 10 years for apparently "specialised therapy" i ended up more messed up than I went in. My therapist had noooo clue!
Thank you for being as kind and insightful as you are. Our community needs more allies like you
This was a great vid.
Thanks for being here and for your kind words!
@@colleenjohnston1678if there is a way I can email you please let me know. I’m seeking some guidance on establishing a 1:1 relationship with someone who specializes in DID. I’m hoping I can get DVR to pay for it.
Today, you are talking to someone(s) with DID. We just subscribed.
Welcome!
Thank you. You seemed so calm and compassionate in this video that it felt reassuring.
writing my thoughts down:
I hope I could find a therapist one day that would have some similar kind of energy in them since it's usually so hard to trust anyone. I have been needing to do anchoring and grounding exercises in my cptsd group therapy but they often get me triggered because they feel invalidating. Just saying "you're safe now" doesn't work, I don't feel like I'm safe, I can't believe it just because someone tells me I should. But someone actually hearing me, believing me and being compassionate? Yeah, perhaps. [At least according to all this emotional response I'm getting right now.]
I have found just a few people in my life that I could really trust in a way that I could be emotional around them. Or, I don't know, "a few" might be exaggerating, perhaps more like... one and a half. [wait my emotionality is gone, my internal state feels like it changed completely.] I wonder if I could find a therapist I could trust. Right now I have a couple of professionals I'm seeing but they are not for a long time so can't really build trust enough, or at least I doubt it. Well, at least I'm glad that I am on my journey to recovery now. Slowly.
Hi @utuelias and thanks for your thoughtful comment. I agree, it is very hard to find a therapist you trust and feels like a good fit. The struggle is real. Also, I absolutely know what you mean, where just saying "I'm safe now" doesn't often work, especially when you're talking CPTSD. In the DID group I facilitate, we stumbled upon "I feel connected" instead of safe. This was because the group has good cohesion, trust and true caring for each other. They could get behind "connected", but "safe" was a big no, lol. Good for you for having the courage to go to group and to be embarking on the frequently bumpy road of healing. Hoping you find healing and peaceful moments.
My best friend just found out she is a system and is going through a lot, unpacking it all, and this helps a lot for when I meet her little again. Thank you!!!
I have a friend who recently realized he had a system, so i appreciate this a lot. I want to know how to treat them without being disrespectful and stuff
I am someone with DID multiple littles and this was very helpful. Thank you!!
Having a very difficult time right now. I'm realizing my Boyfriend, well we are currently separated.... But I believe I witnessed this. Him switching into a Little I mean.
I asked him what wish he made on his birthday which it had been two years on our first date when I made him a birthday dinner, he said it's a secret and I asked again and then his voice and demeanor changed to sound like a child. I thought he was joking at first but his entire voice and body language changed. He's 6'4" so It was kind of startling and I never knew what that meant. Just put it aside to figure out later. I've also seen hand writing where I didn't know why he was writing his name that way childlike, ... I've been putting pieces together and believe he has DID. I don't want to leave him or trigger but recently I believe there are other Personalities that I always thought was just his mood. One I feel is very condescending to me and plays it off as joking but it's low key put downs and very arrogant and rude at times. Other times I see the Man I feel for who is kind and thoughtful but that's has been few and far lately. I think I don't know enough to understand this and what to do. I don't want to desert him need to take care of myself because my mental health has been depleted trying to make sense of all this. Like we never go anywhere, always wants to stay home. Going out .... He kind has anxiety attacks it seems. I have no one to talk to because all my friends just think he's being a typical Guy even thought I've explained the social anxiety stuff many times. He is so defensive and deflects things on to me saying I'm just can't be satisfied ever. I've been Extremely patient for two years now. Any suggestions or just have to let him figure it out. Thing is does he even realize he's switching to a Child. It happens every time we've tried to be intimate as a result two years and literally no intimacy he makes up excuses saying he needs to conserve his Energy. I'm like how long do you think I'll buy that? He is a loner pretty much. One friend that I know of. No desire to really have friends or do anything. So it's not working because I like to go out and do things together.
This is my opinion as someone who has trauma and dissociative issues as a result. I mean no offense by this. I would let him heal on his own personally. It’s important for your mental health, but also it sounds like you weren’t being very understanding towards his. Trauma has to be severe and long-lasting to cause something like DID. Intimacy is possibly a trigger for that, he can’t help it. It is not his fault. He could literally be terrified in that moment. Agoraphobia is also common with trauma. I’d recommend giving him space and letting him heal. Maybe recommend him finding a good trauma therapist who is understanding with dissociative issues, but if you can’t be patient and understanding with him, and it’s weighing on your mental, I’d definitely stay separated.
Hi. As a long time sufferer (without knowledge of being a sufferer) what helped me is Tai Chi which is an internal Traditional Chinese Medicine, but Yoga would work as well. Probably others. My thinking is it helped me finally be present. Daily practice is very important. I only practice 30 minutes a day but EVERY DAY. Sending Peace, Love and Understanding by the truck load 🙏🆗
just wondering how this has worked out for you...hopefully you reply, as im in the same situation, looking for answers
While it must be very painful to be in a partnership with someone who does not meet your needs for intimacy, stability and exploration, kudos for seeing the different sides to him in reality.
Clearly he has been sexually assaulted and by expecting a child to satisfy you/complaining that he does not, is literally re-traumatizing for it.
Speaking from experience, my partners before my awareness, I experienced as coercive and i felt powerless against their demands and projections and judgments.
As a system, you are literally just existing as good as you know how (never been parented good enough, never protected against extreme abuse, getting by through masking and coping and fragmentating). Rejecting their protectors and coercing their exiles makes you an abuser who is angry at reality.
Please see him for who he really is, decide if you can love him in all his pieces, and if you cannot, please leave without adding extra negative pressure and damage.
His boundary system is very likely also very young. If anything, he deserves respect for making it this far with appropriate boundaries, love and kindness. If not from you, from someone else (such as himself and a support system)
Without giving too much info about the person this helped me with, it was difficult and very surprising for me to get to meet the little in their system and specially in a crisis. I didn't know what to do and this helped me so much, thank you for this content. I want to learn more so I can help them.
Music to my ears! So happy that this was helpful
I don’t like it when people ask for our names, I tend to ask how old they are and what they like doing.
It's so complicated because depending on who is out this could be the best option or the worst (as in asking or not asking for their name)
I know that being asked to give names makes some of us feel SO unsafe. Either they’ll pretend they didn’t hear the question or the people who’ve arrived in the present more will just give our host’s name. 😬 (And then there’s the age-sliding pseudo-little who just HAS to be seen and will tell their name to people who’ve never even heard of DID and only know the host. But I digress…)
A friend will just ask her girlfriend’s system what their favourite colour is, if she needs to know who she’s talking to. She worked out with the host that that would be the safest option. Love it!
We would like more stuff like this please if you don't mind. Thank you for helping everybody.💞💟💛🖤
Hi Colleen,
Helpful and informative video as always. I've not been on for a while, time gets away sometimes and though I've been hanging in there, I haven't had therapy in about 7 months and am feeling it's catching up on us.
The upcoming holidays are already creating undercurrents of anxiety. I dont wanna go!!
I just wanted to say hello
Hi Lori! Thanks for stopping back in. Seems like summer just exited quickly and we are in the holiday season, scratching our heads wondering how did we get here already? Lol.
Im someone who is still trying to get a diagnosis for DID (or at least OSDD). I have been in therapy for 10 plus years.
im trying desperately to get a diagnosis and the proper therapy for DID, but i keep finding dead ends and being ignored.
its very frustrating. this is a well known disorder, its in the DSM, there are many videos about it on youtube, and yet when i try to take the step from "believing i have DID" to "being diagnosed with DID", i get everything except acknowledgement for my experience in my own head.
if youtube videos about it didnt exist, I wouldnt be able to know i had DID in the first place. My life experience matches up to many different peoples experiences with DID. I dissociate every day and have discussions with my alters all the time. its exhausting to not have any help with it and i hae no idea how to get myself that help because it keeps turning into a dead end.
im still trying to get a diagnosis, and it feels like i have to rule out literaly every possible disorder BEFORE even considering DID. meanwhile im dissociating in my therapy because ive been traumatized by therapy. i dont know how much longer i can hold onto the hope of being able to have an okay life the way i am. and thats the hope between me and self harm , so i am very worried.
we shall see.....oh well.
peace and love.
-RIP
Dear RIP, Your testimony here is heartbreaking, yet not unusual. I wish I understood why that is. To me, as a clinician, I can spot dissociation and "parts" from a mile away. And the people I currently work with, are delightful and so willing to do work in therapy. The work is challenging, yet never a dull moment. I truly wish more clinicians were also working with DID. Don't lose hope! Thank you for being here. 💜
This is incredibly helpful. Thank you.
Sorry for the delay...I'm so happy it's helpful! Thank you for being here
Wow this is amazing this explains so much it is only when. I feel safe that Littles of me talk come out or it's just silent till I reach parts that are older bit if. Safer connected and accepted then they will front and talk and it is so therapeutic that they get to tell their story thank you makes me feel not crazy validated real and I so not faking it's real very real bit I do well ny head does number on me say you gotta be faking it. What do you need no control. Do I have
Hello Colleen,
First off I want to say thank you for this video because there isn’t much out there that speaks so well about this. I would really love to converse with you about an experience I had with a friend who was dealing with this. It’s a lot to put on a comment. Thank you again and I sincerely hope to hear from you.
Thanks for your comment! And happy the video is helpful!
This is so so helpful!!!
Thank you Melissa! I'm so glad it's helpful.
Ahh thank you my girlfriend age regress and in trying to learn on how to look after them when it happens
Thank you for your work.
Thanks for listening
This is great, thank you so much 🙏🏻
You're so welcome!
Just coming to gribs with the alters I have. Still have to/going to a therapist. We also have DPD. 23 & 14 y/o and some very little that I don’t know. Starting to notice when we are switching, Tomis and I mostly share when he(they) what to come out.
I don’t like the internal family thing I just don’t like the way it sounds. Yeah dear for me is not like that at all. I had someone explain on time and I just didn’t like the way it sounded at all. I can’t remember how they said it now because my memory is so bad but anyway I have my people inside and I love them.
I have DID and i am concerned because not all my ‘exiles’ are littles. It’s insulting to us that the older ones are not mentioned. Maybe I misunderstand, we would be interested in your explanation. Thank you
Hi and thanks for watching and especially for commenting. You bring up a good point. The IFS (Internal Family Systems) language used is a way to generalize and organize parts, as well as help understand that they all have roles and ways they're trying to help the system. In my experience, many of the Littles are exiles, and the older parts seem to fit into "Manager" or "Firefighter " roles. That's not to say they aren't exiled frequently. Bottom line, I hope your older ones know I mean no offense and you've helped me become more aware that I should not assume exiles are little. The DID experience is so incredibly unique for everyone. IFS seems to provide a language at least to find some common ground, but surely is not all encompassing with such complex systems. Thank you!
Hi, I’ve just stumbled on this channel in a desperate search for help. I’m struggling to find doctors who know anything about DID and how to help me/us pull ourself back together after a massive setback moving to a state lacking the health services in the state I moved away from.
There are too many details for a public post, and I can’t find an email for this channel. If anyone can help me get in touch with this channel I will very much appreciate it
Hi and thanks for stumbling in! 😉 My email is johnston.colleen@rocketmail.com
why thay make bad movis about us an I like your butterflis.
Awesome video
Thank you and welcome to my channel!
Em hello! Em, I won't say our names - the big people dun like it
But em...
Thankies for this video. Um...
Makes feel safe.
~SetLore (group name)
How do we find help from someone who won't assume we're just "acting out" or whatever? I'm pretty sure you aren't local, and you're just one person.. but how do we find someone like you?
Word of mouth, researching your area as to practitioners trained in EMDR, IFS or who specialize in trauma are places to start. Yet your point is taken. I am just one person and can only accommodate so many people, and the struggle is real to find a therapist who is a good fit and educated about dissociation. Sounds like you are very good about advocating for yourself. I hope you find someone to work with!
@@colleenjohnston1678 Thank you.. it's a work in progress.. I've just been struggling with this for a long time. It didn't have a name for me until recently, but I think it's helping me make progress all the same. Again though.. thank you .. ❤️
I can see trigger warning stress do you get support
Why do you call them exiles?
Hi and thanks for your question! It's a term from IFS therapy, developed by Richard Schwartz. The term refers to parts that carry trauma and unprocessed emotions and experiences. The person's system "exiles" them in order to protect both the system and the parts, from being exposed or hurt again. In therapy, we work gently with the "littles" or various exiled parts to help process. And everyone is different! Hope this explanation helps. 😊
Do you offer 1 on 1 therapy sessions?
Yes I do, in New York State
@@colleenjohnston1678 don't live near there, what about online services? :)
@LoveInUnreality I do virtual and in person, but my license to practice is in NY, so not legal to practice out of state. Sorry!
@@colleenjohnston1678 ahh i see. Thanks anyway