Thank you for the warm heart share. I will share what I did and what I have developed in regards to relationships. It may be very out of the box but I realize ALL of the dating ideas, advice and practices are centered on LOOKING rather than attracting. Think of it like a magnet, 🧲 the weight of it pulls on the outside. The weight of our desire has to be that strong and we amplify that by actual practices we do by ourselves alone, inside our minds. Most of us are out there looking and we feel empty inside which means there isn’t any weight to pull anything. Or the weight of our misery only attracts more misery. The practice of being full, removing fears doubts and beliefs that don’t align with the image that will attract what you want. None of this is an overnight thing but I will say PRACTICES that begin internal have to be instituted and learnt for gay men bc simply going outside to look amongst men who are just as lost isn’t working for most. Inner work precedes outer work. There are those who choose and those who choose back. These are the two energetic sides (interaction). May need to open up a gay 101 bc I swear if gay men don’t learn this it will continue to be extremely difficult for them to navigate and find matches.
this is incredible profound and needs to be talked about more! my therapist told me very similar advice and years ago when I was younger and really struggling with the idea of finding romantic love. I truly believe now that your internal will reflect your and people can see your light! I can see when people have a glow around them, and people have told me I have glow! Thank you for sharing your wisdom here, we need it desperately
The #1 problem with relationships in general is selfishness. Too many people won’t do things they don’t want to do for their partners. Not talking about sex. Talking about simple stuff like fun activities. If you can’t go to a certain concert because your partner wants to even though it’s not your favorite, you’re the problem. Relationships are give and take, and you need to be flexible and find a partner that’s flexible
THough I am someone in a loving relationship and have been in another loving relationship prior. I will tell you that " *wholesome* gay dating is absolutely dead. " Rather, it was never alive, the ideal, romantic encounters are quite, extremely rare but it exists. I live in France and it was hellish.
have lived most of my life in France but travelled a lot - grindr is very prevalent here and it's the same sh*thole that it is in the US :/ like literally only some of the wording and the general normal for "attractive" is different from country to country. if you want to live the romantic life you have to get OUT OF YOUR WAY to find it and it's not even guaranteed ... honestly i can't say anything about grindr, helps a lot in big cities, found my fiancé on it and it was a stroke of pure luck so don't give up and keep at it !!!
I'm literally on dating apps. All these guys swipe right on me then I swipe back and no one texts me unless I say something and when I do they're either bland or suddenly they're not interested anymore. Like if you're going to swipe on me first please say something.
@@matthewsypert Exactly, I genuinely think the men that act like this are only on the apps for EGO BOOSTS. They like the idea of searching for an attractive person and attractive people swiping/liking their posts, but they don't have any intention furthering that interaction.
It’s extremely difficult because app culture has ruined any chance of us progressing socially. Straight people have the advantage of numbers and being able to call any space their own, but we don’t have any third spaces that don’t involve hookup culture, which is crucial in the development of substantial friendships and relationships. We don’t even try to endorse the ones that do exist that aren’t clubbing atmospheres, let alone create new ones because everyone is trapped in the endless cycle of looking for substance over the internet. At this point it’s so bad that the only way we could actually move forward is to get rid of the apps, in lieu of real life spaces that bring gay people together on mutual interests rather than just alcohol and hookups. It’s unlikely that will ever happen though.
everything, all of this is pure raw truth, thank you. maybe if there were queer cafes, social activities groups, etc - that could really help us out. I think our generation and queer people in general, would benefit greatly from establishments / groups like that
You are so correct about the necessity for third spaces. Universities sometimes have queer clubs but honestly imo, most folks just treat the events like hookup screenings and speed dating opportunities. :/
Lol I gave up at 22yrs old. I'm 30yrs old now 😅 nothings changed at all. I think the newer gays will have a better chance at dating and love. They didn't have to grow up in a society that casually talked about them burning in hell, being confused, or being stoned to death in multiple countries. When you're not allowed to explore attraction, affection, dating, or sexuality until adulthood... there will be negative effects and trauma. We didn't get to talk to our parents about our crushes, going on first dates, safety, etc etc. We had gay p**n and shame until adulthood 😅
I talked about this topic so much with my best friend, how different things were for us growing up… It really sucks and it’s hard when a lot of us just start dealing with the trauma in adulthood. But since we go through so much I wanna think it’s for something. At the end of the day, it was for something greater, and that can make me feel hopeful
@@matthewsypertI need to think it's for love. I have never met a long term partner on a dating site, only at work, or at a cafe etc. I flirt a little bit and talk. They respond or they don't. I have had three long term partners. Why is this way so difficult?
Yes. Absolutely. I agree, and also have more hope for the next gen. Trauma predisposes one to addictions, such as substance use or sexual addictions, in order to mask painful feelings. True.
That is only your subjective opinion. Which is fine, it's your free speech right 100%. BUT, again, that is very subjective. This is based on a false assumption that straight ppl have no turmoil. No matter who you are, or where you are...... we ALL face life challenges. There's many straight couples that have to deal with child protective custody etc. as examples of common difficulties encountered in that group. You also base, in my opinion, your assumption on a basis of what's called "essentialism". Essentialism is a slippery slope to eugenics. Do you support that?
Lesbian WOC here and I feel you! Everyone's afraid to make the first move because of the fear of rejection. I was like this too, but I worked on combatting my negative self talk to the point where approaching people is fun :) DO NOT feel like you are falling behind at 22 yrs old - My current gf and I were 20 [me] and 22 [her] when we first met - its her first relationship. It is perfectly normal to start dating around early - mid - or even late twenties in the gay/lesbian/LGBTQ+ scene. Dating is rough, and you are perfectly complete on your own, but you will find your person!
This is so real! As a gay black man with locs, I feel so “niche” when it comes to dating. I’m really focusing on developing my own self-confidence and allowing whatever is meant for me come to me. I haven’t given up on love per se but I hold my mental, physical, and spiritual health in high value than wasting it away on apps
Are you in community/ have a large extended network of Black people ? Are you in a town/ state that has a large Black population, and is there a visible Black gay dating pool ? And are you looking to date other Black gay men ?
@@milanozz8202 I don't know is the word that captures what I'm trying to explain. I mean that representation in media when it comes to black men and hair is so limited. We either have a low cut fade, bald or afro. There's also the stereotypes we navigate with having locs. I LOVE my locs and just want more representation in dating and in media that reflects how I express in the open world, as opposed to the conventional textbook ideas ppl have about how we should wear our hair. hope this explains it further. xx
@@obatalaosun2222 Yes, I am in community with blk ppl. This conversation is honestly bigger than me. I was talking about representation in media and the dating pool as a whole. I LOVE darker skin and locs and just want to navigate the world without the projection ppl have toward me.
Im straight but its interesting to hear your perspective. I think in general, men tend to more prone to sexual relationships rather than romantic ones. This is a generality, i definitely dont fall into that category myself. But i can imagine that you, as a gay man, are probably going to have a hard time finding someone who is looking for s long term and committed relationship. You seem like a nice man though, you look like you take good care of your skin and hair. Maybe you can try the dating apps and really specify you dont want to have sex immediately. That you want something romantic. It wont work perfectly but it wouldn't hurt.
Isn't this a form of sexism to say that all men are "one way" ? You know, at one point in time, people used to think hysteria was a symptom of women. You are stereotyping and making the claim that what constitutes male and female don't have any social constructs attached to them. Yet, hasn't the role of man and woman changed over evolutionary history as can be evidenced in changing social & familial dynamics over hundreds of years. As the economic and environmental environments change, roles change in lockstep.
My personal issue as a gay black hopeless romantic: 1: Im not aesthetically pleasing because i am a bigger guy but i know im cute im the face 2: i actually do shoot my shot sometimes but i always get responses like “thank you bro appreciate it” (and nothing else) or if its at a workplay or 3rd space its “oh yeah im not gay or attracted to men” (even though half the time i can tell they are just saying that because they are not interested and dont want to say it) 3: Same issue as you with the city in terms of the openly gay dating pool its small and most of them are not looking for a serious monogamous long term relationship etc. it’s also alot of dl men with wifes or kids and some are attracted to men but are afraid to explore that side of themselves for plenty of reason even if they are already grown
I was dating a guy, as a gay guy, and he said that we were not open, he called me his husband, and gave all these other indicators that we were good together. We had similar families, work histories, and interests. We could talk for hours. That was until I caught him cheating on me. I they learned that he was married, so instead of cheating on me, he was cheating with me. He acted like I was the weird one when I was upset and betrayed. I've been learning from other people in this area that that is how it is. If you live in Miami, good luck. They don't want serious relationships. I'm from the rural South, so I guess that's why I'm more traditional in that regard. Unfortunately, we just have to weed through a lot more low value crap than certain other people, but I promise that we will find people who match our intellect, morals, and relationship goals. God bless
I live in Miami too and it's HELLLLL for gay dating. They be sooo fine 😩 but so fckued up in the head 😭 side note: You have Instagram? We could be friends
@@orangeyellow-me1pzAre you asking a gay person to explain why other people are gay? My dude, being gay is just part of who they are. There is no "why."
You’re absolutely right, and yo I’m actually really happy you’re using your voice for this. I’ve been in a really bad relationship when I was 19-20 and it put me off it for the foreseeable future honestly. I’m 23 now. I totally relate
It's probably why you see a lot of couples with a big age difference. Older dudes just can't attract like they used to and start dreaming of securing a fine looking man. The few young gays that actually want a loving, lasting relationship get to the point of despair and suddenly the older dude who has money, and a house etc starts becoming appealing.
Isn't this the same dynamic that also sometimes plays out in the straight community. Ever heard of Anna Nicole Smith ? Lol Either way, regardless of sexual orientation or identity, adolescents need to be educated and prepared to stand up for themselves and have high standards so that when they enter adulthood they don't sacrifice their values and lose self-confidence. The problem is that we don't prepare them to so they're vulnerable to exploitation as young adults, both gay guys as well as young women alike.
One of my biggest issues is constantly being fetishized sexually by gay guys for my race. I never really felt like I had a true connection with someone, I just fulfilled their “fantasy”…
"The problem is that many gay men don't take the initiative on dating apps. They tend to just talk without actually making a move to ask the person they're chatting with out on a date. Also, our standards are often too high-we need to remember that we're all human, with flaws in both our appearance and bodies." Also lets not rely on the dating apps there are others ways to put yourself out there!
As a bisexual South Asian man (21) who's never even tried dating yet, from what I've heard it is possible but just more complicated; forget the apps and bars, which I just know will only be self-hatred waiting to happen for me since we Desis are extremely hairy, are either otters or bears in terms of body type and have our beards grow back like five seconds after we shave them- and 100 other reasons, a big one for me being bisexual erasure. Basically, I hear you have to find several non-LGBTQ-related social groups based on your interests/career/etc. that regularly meet in person, initially with the intention of making friends. And then, in a city as big and accepting as mine, odds are you're bound to come across other queer folk at some point in at least one- and if you feel attracted to one then let them see the real you and work from there; my younger brother has been officially, monogamously dating a transgender person for months and I suspect that this method is how he met his personfriend and his many LGBTQ friends; perhaps I could ask him how he did it. (The simple fact that he's already on his third lover at 18 in and of itself is already encouraging, since he has very similar hobbies and almost the exact same voice and facial features as me to the point that when we were kids people who knew us both would mix up our names; if he can do it then that's good enough for me.) I will try my best, and try not to give up; sometimes things just work out, even when it looks like they won't. "Wholesome" relationships in and of themselves are already very rare no matter where your interests lie, you just need to keep searching and you'll find them. I luckily live in Seattle (a large enough city that there's bound to be at least two of every type of person) which is extremely accepting and its gay/bi community- which, from what I've seen of it as of right now- appears to be rather diverse.
rlly nice to see this topic touched on. I'm in my mid-20s and never been in a relationship either for this exact same reason. Most times it just feels beyond hopeless finding a decent loving romantic guy out here in 2024 like its CRAZY how difficult it is. V soothing voice also btw xxx
All dating is displaying oneself to ATTRACT others. Gay dating itself is already statistically niche, so compounding that with preferences and men’s highly sexual nature, makes it harder to attract someone long-term.
When I was trying transition to man, the gay male dating culture was such a HUGE culture shock for me. It was NOT like straight dating culture at all. It's even more of a mindfuck if you're not white.
It was never alive. It may not seem like it, but it's a blessing. The best you can do is learn yes and no, go to therapy, remind yourself everyday that movies and tv are not real, let your experiences reveal the fantasies that you told yourself so that you can cleave them from your mind. Don't waste your time running around after no man. Let your problems be your problems and focus on those! That chase is just a rush for some extra baggage that is not even necessary.
I haven’t been in a relationship myself but a few weeks ago this guy actually asked me out at an insomnia of all places. We ended up going on a date and it didn’t end up working out but I’m still grateful I got to experience it. Mind you I live in Alabama so it can happen! Dont lose hope!
I agree. Especially in America, we arent even top 20 of countries in terms of gay acceptance and wholesomeness 🙄 I just now am updating my apps for something one off you know, i dont think I'd ever try to find a relationship on an app or online. Its always labels, labels, labels and ones that dont describe myself. Its frustrating, not to mention i live in a super small town and hours away from larger areas. The best guys have always been ones i met in person, but we start as friends because i like to have a long lasting friendship before romantic. My therapist thinks im wanting a nice guy to fall from the sky, and yes if i have to be that delusional to find something great i will. I just want to be a natural encounter. And yes, ill be a little delusional to be happy. And i will never let myself lose hope I got emotional a little. I was into this guy in highschool who was definitely bisexual, and its been years since but i still cant let go. Ive been through hell. I want people to know that theres acceptance now. Weve come so far! So lets go out and shoot our shot like straights, i mean be confident. We can change our culture by exposing it to the world, then it can become bigger. I hope everyone reading this gets their happiness, everyone deserves that.
Ever since I came out, I had thought the gay community had an issue with an over sexualization and romanticism for young characteristics, so I pushed hard to maintain my image, I went to Grindr at 18 and kept to finding a relationship and did! Overall if you’re older the community tosses you to the side, the issue is aging in the gay community is awful, at a certain age, as sad as it sounds you’re just not going to get a relationship, as sad as it sounds, that’s the culture we have.
I don't believe that one bit. Yes, that may have been your experience. And your experience is valid, so I don't want to put it down. But give me a break, you really don't think there are any long term committed gay relationships out there right now ?
@@Kerem-mf9oy it's never too late. many many kind gay guys. but maybe you're looking in the wrong places is the main thing. Grindr and "hookup" apps aren't going to land you someone nice. better avenues are like queer sports teams, or book clubs, or churches, or political groups, or better yet volunteering groups.
I was wholesome up until I was 22. Then I got groomed into a polycule because I fell in love with one guy; I said no. But they roped me in anyway tricking me to meet and have multiple sexual partners. Eventually I got out of it but after that I was completely unable to be monogamous after that. Anytime I've tried since then I fall out of love being monogamous and have to tell that person they're not enough alone. It's like they corrupted my brain lol. That or I just haven't found my person yet.. but it gets faster and faster that I fall out of the honeymoon.. last time it only lasted a week. Looking grim boys.
If it's not too personal,could you please tell what he did and how he manipulated you as guidance and cautionary for younger gays against manipulation?
@@muhamadhelmi7949 well. I was 22 and single on the internet. He was 30 and in an unhappy open relationship. These kinds of people will try to say they’re you’re bestfriend for a while to get what they want out you. Id be cautious of anyone in an unhappy relationship willing to tell you so. I’d also be cautious of anyone with a significant age gap who really has no business talking to you. Personally, I think you’re a groomable person until you’re 25+ and can build a spine. The whole time I knew this person they got me saying I love them within a week and tried to get me to be one of their boyfriends. Then they tried to fly me out within a month; my gut started screaming at me about how weird it is here; and about a year later I finally went to a convention surrounded by gay people with him there. I disclosed I did not want to have sex with him there and he agreed so I met. He answered the door in a jockstrap at his hotel and it was the only time he got me alone with him. I proceeded inside thinking he wouldn’t try to sleep with me based on what we agreed on. But he cornered me and; while I never said no. I was disgusted and dissociated the whole time he molested me. Afterwards I asked him why he flew me out, he told me he never got to live when he was younger so if he can help a friend do so he’s glad to help. He went to instantly brag in dms to our friends about how awful I was at sex and how he hate fucked me & how I’m a straggot and wasn’t worth the plane ticket. I was just devastated that this guy preyed on me and tricked me for a year straight. And honestly the silver lining, it gave me a spine. To recognize how evil/catty public gay scenes can be, how manipulators work, and to learn to not ignore my gut feelings about whether or not someone is being fake. Trusting your gut is #1, but it probably will take a couple of mistakes before you can trust it sadly.
idt it was ever more wholesome than it is currently, considering how many of us can even identify as queer upfront and even plan a romantic future overseas! but i do think the current state of dating is a reflection of outside pressures/experiences/traumas, even. and it is bleak out there in the world rn. we gotta try to be kind to ourselves, and others
Hi girl, I feel the same way as of lately (my whole life lmao). I'm only 18 and I already feel so weird and kind of out of place in most gay spaces, which might be in part bc I'm bi and that itself has other implications and judgements ppl make but for the most part I just feel like we as a community are still stuck in the same place. All the gay guys want a fit, tall, white dude but I do not fit the description + they don't want a monogamous relationship, aren't looking for emotional connections 99% of the time. It's tiiiriiiiiinnnggggggggg. Much love and I wish you the best tbh bc it is tough out here girl :'/
i think people like definitions. what do you want to be in a relationship about? cause very few people are interested in just 'being around' another person for no other reason than 'i think they are pretty'...that gets old very quick, the relationship HAS TO BE based on a long term scope and since we are gay men, the scope cannot be assumed and, for most of us, we cant copy our parents
great point! I’m curious how often people in our community consider the overall plan/goal with finding or having their said partner. There’s truly so many facets to consider when getting into a relationship other than physical intimacy. I think more people should think like you because this point is very important!
I relate so much and I think it's so sad!!! I've only ever been in one relationship that came to a halt fairly quickly - it lasted for about 10 months and I was with a person who was an emotional wreck which is a killer for a hopeless romantic like me! It was a long distance relationship, too, which was awful. We broke up over 2.5 years ago and every dating experience I've had before AND after said relationship was an absolute mess as well. Last year, I dated someone for about 4 months (2 of which were emotional torture) and it left me absolutely heartbroken still to this day. Since then, I haven't mustered up the courage to date again. I'm also not really someone who has a lot of courage approaching guys. I tried it a couple times and burned myself pretty bad. One time I talked to a guy I really liked at a beach party - we knew each other from dance class. We talked and talked and after a while he said "I'm gonna get something to drink, I'll be back in a sec" and left me sitting on a bench for at least an hour and then it clicked. I felt so humiliated. It doesn't really help that 99.9% of my friends are in loving, long-term-relationships, moved in together, engaged, married or pregnant. I've never ever been even close to that and I'm in my late 20s. On top of that, so incredibly many gay guys have this masc for masc thing going on and it drives me absolutely crazy!!! It's not only the toxic masculinity but also internal homophobia and often times even misogyny - combine all those things with testosterone and you've got yourself a literal monster of a human and this is the dating pool we're swimming in?! Idk... Sorry for being so negative, I guess I'm pretty frustrated atm. Thank you for opening up this space!! 💘 I also love what you said about being a little delusional but happy :)
From how you speak and looking at your profile picture, I think you're gorgeous and it's their lose to miss out on you. One of my best advice from a guest speaker in high school said "never settle for less". You don't deserve another person's emotional baggage or mental illness. We have to work on ourselves and love ourselves first before we can ever love another person
Just keep looking for wholesome people, who are more interested in tasks and hobbies than being noticed. The guys who focus on their bodies and social life do it for the attention, not personal development. If you’re really lucky, then they won’t be hopelessly addicted to social media either. It will be tough to find a real person, but they are out there. The trouble is that most are quite reclusive, so finding them can be a challenge.
I’m so happy you’re here!!! And I’m sorry for your bad experiences :( Thank you for being so open and willing to share, you deserve the world - people like you light it up and show the rest of us there’s hope!
when i was 16 i was hoping for romance. we kissed only after 2 months. i was so in love. im almost 24 now and most of my relationships are short-lived, long distance, open. my monogamous relationships failed. ive learned to be able to kiss and fuck without even being attracted to the person. and im also a gay trans man - im scared of approaching cis men, i expect rejection and even disgust. violence even. and then it became illegal to be lgbt in my country??? i guess im stuck with exchanging dick pics with dudes across the ocean for the rest of my life. my love llife is doomed
I fully get the "not looking gay thing." Like, yes, I do dress very fruity (high-waist, wide-leg jeans, heavy prints, colors, etc.), but I am 6'2 230, scruffy, and have awful rbf. It's almost like, in an attempt to seem "more gay," I try to feminize every part of me, but then I feel super dysphoric, and not to mention unsafe (gaybashing). I'm generally pretty androgynous in my style/personality and don't feel great leaning too heavy into masc or femme, which I think is part of my problem. I don't really put myself in any box, and with how categorical and label-heavy the queer community is, its hard to just exsist without having to fill out a D&D character sheet. I am not trying to screen for the "perfect partner," I just wanna have a cup of coffee with someone. And, mind you, I'm cis and white, so I can only imagine how much harder this is for BIPOC and trans/enby people.
You’re speaking to me, I’m so tired of the categories, labels, everything. We judge each other based off external appearances and create a persona for the other person without even talking to them… trying to fit in is so restrictive, you truly have to throw away the concept of labels to save yourself the pain. And doing that makes you even stronger and freer than before
Did i write this? Because same 😢 (Also 29 - but I’m bi though) Have never said “i love you” to anyone nor dated anyone seriously. Ive dated ppl for no 3 months but nothing id call true relationships. No one ever wants to give long term or even short term a try.
me and my husband met in the late 10s and even then dating gay sucked. but now is even worse: between the apps being worthless and people not knowing how to date, communicate, or even admit what they actually want, is a mess. we know because were polyamorous and have been dating 3rds with varying sucess. the most persistent issue is and has always been flakes. you cant get into any relationship, sexual or romantic, if you dont follow through. and worst, these gays have the gall to complain about being single. YOURE THE JUDGMENTAL FLAKE
If my bs detector goes off, I just shut down to it, I walk away because I am not dealing with bs situationships. Everyone is capable of being in a loving, happy, and committed relationship. It’s fine to want to hook up, but don’t sell yourself short just because you think what you want is not possible. When I hear “That’s just how the world is” like no, it is up to each individual to decide what kind of person they want to be, and if the relationships you are settling for don’t make you happy, don’t settle, what you want is out there it just might be harder to find these days. Unfortunately it is hard to keep a sensitive, caring, and good hearted spirit alive in a brutal and uncaring world, but we can shape what this world will be individually. I have felt my own spirit dim when I lower my standards and it’s not worth it to me anymore. “Be the change you want to see in the world” is more true than ever and in my opinion very needed. We do owe basic respect and care to each other and we are better for it.
Omg this. Literally was feeling melancholy last night thinking about how the gay community is wrecked smh. It’s all about labels, Dls, fems, size queens, Tina, colorist. I CAN NOT HELP
I just wanted to say, THANK YOU ALL for the love on this video! 🥹 before posting it I felt so alone in my thoughts, I’m so grateful to hear others can relate to me! These conversations are SO IMPORTANT TOO. I love seeing you guys chat it up in the comments and I’m chiming in when I can. THANK YOU ALL AGAIN, so much love for all of you, xoxo
I never really felt apart of the community because I'm so old-fashioned. I date to find a hubby. Keep your head up. I eventually found my needle in a haystack boyfriend 4 months ago, who is just like me. We don't care for all the chaos lol. Ps. Im from England originally and we are romantic. 😊
I'm sorry if this feels intrusive in your guys' space. I'm not a gay man, I'm a lesbian. I just wanted to vent a little bit. Personally my relationships have been pretty wholesome. At least in the beginning. Since in the end, they always ended up with a guy somehow. My main issue with sapphic dating (at least where i live) is the amount of people who are in it just to "experiment". They will get with you for months, even one or two years and then come at to you and tell you they're "not sure of who they are anymore". I kinda gave up at this point haha
This is a safe space, please and thank you for sharing! I’m sorry to hear you are having the same issues…it’s tough in the lgbtq+ community, but I want to hold out hope that eventually something positive will come. before then I’ll just keep focusing on me and be happy doing that
I just moved to L.A. and I've had a lot of similar frustrations with dating men. I can relate to your experience with being fully confident in yourself and secure in what you bring to other people but somehow unable to find people who match that energy. I've personally decentered the idea that I am looking for a "relationship" and I'm still having these problems. I approach all new people I meet knowing that I am a complete person, and I am just looking to invite cool people into my life without putting any expectations on them. It seems like my energy is out of place here unfortunately. A lot of guys are looking for someone to be romantically obsessed with them, but I just know that isn't sustainable for real relationships.
You articulated this so well I can definitely relate to what you're saying. Crazy how people seem to lack the basics of human emotion and understanding in this day and age
My hot take on all this is, gay male relationships were literally illegal for hundreds of years, and those attitudes have only changed in the past decade or two. Our culture, for a long time, has revolved around quick hookups and moving on, because that's all we were ALLOWED to do for forever. So now, we're in a weird situation where, we don't NEED that culture anymore, but we haven't moved on from it as a community. How I've decided to cope with it is platonic queer meetups; connecting with other gay men in a way that isn't sexual or romantic (through meetup groups). It may not lead to a relationship necessarily, but it's useful in so many other ways; I stop objectifying other men and myself, I stop only valuing other gay men by how they look, I have people in my life like me who understand me, and you form a community of queer people, and we all stop feeling lonely as a result. Also, according to the The Straights, you find a partner through having loads of friends, and your friends recommend their friends to you. So my idea is the next best thing (imo). Just some food for thought.
I see this complaint constantly, and maybe I'm just lucky, and who knows where life will take my partner and I, but it's not impossible to find a guy you date well enough to be your boyrriend. The mistake I see young gay males make is they think a good first date equates to a relationship. That's like trying on an outfit, walking out of the store & not paying it, and then complaining the outfit doesn't fit or complement you. 1. Try to save sex until things become official. Lots of guys will want to have sex with you and then you don't hear back from them. 2. If they are straight, keep things moving along. He is not into you because he is a straight man. 3. Try to limit swipes/apps. Dating apps can be addictive and constantly getting bombarded with notifications can give you a lack of regulation and heightened anxiety. Also, please have a life. 4. A relationship won't fix your problems. You're lonely? Sometimes, your boyfriend might have to travel to see friends or family and you're alone. You're bored? You and your bf will be bored at times. I love my boyfriend, but he enhances/compliments my life-- he is not the reason I am alive or my missing piece because I myself was incomplete.
@@Rage_Harder_Then_Relax Gay dating culture certainly looks WAY different for the Gen X'ers than it does for us millennials, and for that, I thank your generation for making the strides you gays did so that we could walk. As an aside, I'm sorry you feel hopeless in your search for love. I do genuinely hope you find what you're looking for!
Not gay man but a lesbian and I want to say thank you for your message because I had been thinking for a while that maybe I should lower my standards and think about having sex but this just confirmed that I shouldn’t !
Thank you for saying this!! I’m so happy for you and LOVE to hear your mindset! Growing up I felt like I was the only one around thinking similarly. (wanting to wait in the relationship before sex, having something that adds to my life, not complete it, etc) I needed to hear this truly!!
@@raneem2918 Having sex on dates is entirely personal. Just from my experience and others in my life, if you have sex before things become official, you could get taken advantage of.
Omg I'm about turn 20 this month and I have the similar problems as you😢 (Black, gay, romantic). Its so hard out here. I think because I present a little masculine (just a lil) people always second guess if I'm gay. We need more Black gay rep😭
The situation in Scotland is so bad that I'm now being shown people from Australia and South America on Tinder. Also, most gay people in the country have either spoken with each other, know each other or are mutuals with other gay men. This results in these weird situations where you've run through everyone on the apps, so you start talking to past matches, except both of you pretend it's the first time you're interacting.
great video king. Thank you for helping me feel less alone. You’ve perfectly captured how so many of us are feeling. Let’s stay hopeful and a lil delulu
I’m a 20 year old bisexual man and let me tell you I’ve lost hope. My mindset when it comes to relationships is I’m ”dating to marry” obviously I’m not planning to get married anytime soon, I want to go in with the mindset ”I could imagine marrying this person”. Wanting a monogamous, committed relationship is fucking impossible in the gay scene nowadays. I’m not necessarily a traditional man, but I do have some ”traditional values” that I believe in. The boyfriends I’ve had before have all been party animals, wanting to live their life to the fullest, which I completely understand, I listened to a podcast where a guy said that ”most gay people have not been able to experience those gay teen moments in their actual teens, so they compensate for that in their twenties” but that’s just not me. I’ve lost hope for a loving relationship where I can come home to someone and feel cared for and loved. That’s all for me
Wow this is like you’re speaking to me directly.. I feel the exact same way and operate the same way. I never try to come across judgmental, because live your life! But I can’t relate when it comes to being deep in the party culture and gay scene. It’s like being an outsider in your own community which is tough, you are not alone! 🙏🏾
@@matthewsypert last part is very true, I’m not going to pretend like I don’t enjoy going to a club or a dragshow with friends now and then, but for me it’s quite overstimulating and I’d rather sit in a bar or a pub and talk, which isn’t everyone’s cup of tea unfortunately. Many times when trying to ”network” with other queer people a kind of ”language barrier” forms, There’s a lot of references and things that I don’t know about because I’m not as deep into the scene as others, this makes me slightly uncomfortable because I feel I cannot communicate and relate to other people. because of the community being very small in some areas and because of the discrimination and harassment some face, being able to bond over shared interests and likings, and also knowing that this person is safe, is very important for many LGBT people. I am very straight presenting, so I am often completely disregarded in instances that don’t involve a hookup, this hurts my feelings, because how will I learn of these things and connect with new people if me being different, now referring to ”not stereotypically gay”, (sadly you will sometimes be judged by other gay people on wether you are ”gay enough” or fit the standard etc.) makes me undesirable to form connections with. Man idk, it’s confusing.
Y'all are too young to be giving up you've barely started and dating isn't easy for most people. If you guys want to take some time to focus on yourselves that's fine too.
I've just kinda given up on getting into a relationship since i came out as a trans guy. Almost nobody knows i'm also gay because i don't think it matters to my family or friends. Just being trans already puts me in a dificut situation in almost every aspect of my life. I'm still a teenager so dating apps or going out to queers events (which are rare where i live) is not an option for me. I don't feel like i need a lover but goddamit wouldn't it be nice, specially being surrounded by classmates who go around talking about their love lives 24/7 and kissing in thw hallways. It makes me feel like i'm just undesirable, which maybe i am considering i'm a sensitive person and i'm also currently dealing with some stuff. But i know i'm cute and i know i deserve to be cared for anf loved just as i want to love and care for someone else. Guess i'll just have to wait and try to not get my hopes too high or too low, like, to keep it in the middle.
Or move to a big city as soon as you can, at least for a while. I did that when I was about 19. I honestly feel blessed to have lived my entire adult in life in places where most people are accepting and progressive in their views and if they're not, they at least tend to mind their own business.
@@KarlSmith-p5r thanks for the advise. I actually plan to do something similar once i become a legal adult and find a way to produce my own money to actually move. I have family here so it's not so easy for me to just leave for a more progressive city (or country) but it is something i have plans for.
Oh my god you're my age and you're literally me. I gave up on love a while ago too. Grindr is a mess. It's a mess. It's bad. I don't really know what the endgoal even is to be honest.
whenever I feel totally hopeless I have to delete all apps and just focus on life again. I then think “maybe I’ll come across someone in a different way” like through work, an event, etc, you gotta hold that hope out! We’re still so young!
I’m 25, I live in Chicago. It’s absolutely trash. If open relationships are your jam, go ahead, but I feel that a lot of gay men are stunted and want to come in swinging with non monogamy. I’ve been dating less guys my age, but immaturity is present everywhere, and gay men often have tendencies to be childish after the fact because once they reach a certain age, they’re not gonna change. If anything, this assures me once I find someone, and if those things even end up being in our future, it’ll be real fuckin special. For the time being, I really just don’t care anymore, I have career goals I want to meet and I’m going to be a lot happier pursuing those to have space for a relationship when I’m older. I’m out of hope, but just temporarily. It’s more apathy toward the very idea of dating for a while, and to be honest, I don’t want a boyfriend for a long time. I feel you on the matter of being enough on your own (in my opinion you should strive for that individually anyway before being committed to someone) but I do think it will take leaving a city to find something truly intimate. If that ends up not being what I want or what I get at a later point, at least I’m putting in the work to improve myself. Coming out isn’t enough to just say that you’ve grown as a person, and I truly don’t believe the majority of gay men understand that.
Thank you for sharing this, this is the maturity we need in the community! 100% agree on all points, finding yourself and striving in individuality should be a independent endeavor that happens before a relationship, which does make you happy and fulfilled. being that way for as long as I have been so far has kept me in a very inspired, strong place!
As a gay trans guy who’s 19 and never had a romantic/sexual experience, I don’t feel so hopeless. Because Im used to cutting people off and avoiding certain people who thing certain ways. And thats a lot of gay cis men unfortunately. Dating other trans people seems to be my best bet in order to feel safe, and most trans people don’t have these hang ups. So, heart goes out to you man, even tho I’m in a different world than yours.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and recommendations. I pretty much agree with most of what you said. But, there is hope! I have been in a 100% monogamous relationship with a wonderful guy for over 38 years (yes I am old, probably could be your grandfather). Your recommendation to skip the DL guys no matter how hot is spot on. Yes, it is important to approach other guys that seem interesting, and yes it can be scary. So don't give up, keep to what you know you want, and it will happen. The only other advice I can offer is to join a group about something you enjoy, for example if you like to run, there is a gay running group called frontrunners. If you are into camping, there is a gay camping group I think called great outdoors. You will meet guys that you have something in common with and it won't be a hook up event (usually). You deserve to be happy and find a guy that you can share your life with, keep trying!!!
I feel like dnd has been the ultimate dating app work around. Met my gf at a game, and we eventually went through friends to lovers after a Mother Mother concert BUT ITS SO FUCKING RARE.
It's very sad how so many of us feel the same way, I've been trying to remain hopeful myself, and it's so validating to hear more and more voices share the same feeling, our community really needs a wake up call, for whoever reads this, i hope you find love and a healthy relationship in your future
Dating apps can go to hell, especially gay ones I was able to find my bf when I stopped looking for a relationship online. I started looking for friends instead, lmao. At least one gay dude with similar interests will be normal, so just fuck em creeps and go with a flow. The first thing for me was how organically our introductions and first time chatting felt. Seek good vibes and have fun ✌️
Sadly when I looked for a relationship it was difficult connecting with guys. All my long term partners came from hookups with guys who I naturally vibed with and we ended up getting close. I think dating is easier for guys who are more “bedroom focused.” A lot of men are too selfish to put romance before hooking up. It’s not a problem to be sexpositive and for it to be an important part of your relationship. But it’s the guys who lie about what they want initially that things get problematic.
in some way, as a gay guy who's just coming to age, starting to feel more comfortable with himself and come out to his family and friends and all that, it was a huge gut punch when i realized that i would have it very hard to find the kind of love that i'm looking for. this video, though, taught me that at least i'm not the only one who is feeling so hopeless and who wants a real romantic relationship, and that gives me hope. i'm sure you'll find your man sooner or later, and i hope i do too. stay safe out there, pal!
It’s sad, I’m 17 and idk how I’m gonna make it as an adult with dating. I told my self I’m not approaching a guy but nobody come to me😭 and there’s like no gay men here like wtf
This is a good discussion you got going on here. I remember when I was really naive a few years ago and met my ex on tinder. My gay friend at the time had met the love of his life or whatever on grindr and I wanted that too. I was pretty desperate at the time. I looked at my ex through rose colored glasses and it was just so bad. He put me through a lot (and this april came back to me for sex all over again). Pretty much he was broken from child hood and never healed. Manipulation, emotional unavailable, putting my health in danger, all the good stuff (I wrote two books about my healing process it was some serious shit lol). There are so many men like that on these dating apps and I really do just feel discouraged. I'm getting to the point where I will just delete the dating apps and spend time with my self until I randomly meet someone.
This is so Heartwarming, all of the gays and theys who came together in the comment section with similar experiences. Maybe y'all can exchange social medias. ~Proud Trans Auntie
You’re so young!! You’ve got plenty of time to just date with the intention of discovering yourself/what you like/don’t like in a man. Date different types of men and otherwise just work on being your best self. And be authentic as possible to your values/beliefs. That way when you’re looking, you can politely but ruthlessly filter out men who aren’t for you. And only entertain the men who show mutual interest. Any other type of treatment is beneath you. ❤❤❤
I would love a wholesome relationship and since I really struggle to find other queer men in my area I don't care anymore where they are located, just please exist ):
i can relate tbh. It seems that as a gay person, there are significant barriers to meeting other gay people. Though, i think it’s the lens of gayness that is inherently eurocentric and heterosexual. That’s why I think I started calling myself ‘queer’, because i don’t think the label of ‘gay’ represents me anymore. Furthermore, it probably has a lot to do with how we were loved as children and how love was portrayed to us. I think that’s why I’ve detached the same way you have. I think that’s why everything we’re all looking for, most of it can be found within. Community is vital for growth, though, but I find that I seek external validation less when I give myself the space to be whatever I want. Idk if this made sense, but hope you can take something away from my word vomit haha. ✨
100% am taking wisdom away from this! thank you so much, this makes me feel better and less alone. I've felt like detaching has been the best thing for me overall, when I'm really synced into the gay community, I get hurt, disappointed, and don't fit the mold. Finding happiness internally has been crazy beneficial, I will always always try to lean on that to stay mentally healthy and overall happy :)
Okay, about approaching someone: I don't quite understand why some of my friends are scared of just go to someone and say "What's up! I think your t-shirt is hilarious! (It's a joke about Schrodinger's cat) Do you like physics?" I ended high school last year and went to uni in a city where I knew no one. I remember a girl crying in my class saying "How am I supposed to make friends?" Well, the first thing that I did when I came to that city was coming up to a group of girls with the traditional clothes for uni (idk if it's a thing in other country, people told me it's only here) and say: "Hi, I adore your clothes! Do I get to use it in the first year? Isn't it too hot with those? Do you have to wear it? Can a girl use the male traditional clothes?" Of course they found me weird. But they found it really interesting. Last week I got to dinner with them and celebrated a lovely person's birthday. Dude, I was going home and I saw that the hairdresser next to my house had a snake. So what I did was: I stood by the door and I asked "What's the snake's name?" it was called Dorito "And what's your name?" on which he took the opportunity to say "Thank you for asking the other animal's name" I liked him. He told me I was nice, he just was defensive at first because of my approach. I totally get it. Sometimes (which are most of them) you are not in the mood to be bombarded with questions, even if they are interesting and kind. But one thing I know: if I am kind towards people and show them respect and gratefulness for even the slightest thing (like not being rude, or, if they're rude, for not harming me physically) I know that I have nothing to fear. Almost nothing (I only know I know nothing hahaha). This I believe, taken in the context of dating, must be a really good trait to have. I am not looking for a relationship, so I do not face the main problem which you addressed, Matthew, but I thought sharing this would be helpful, or, if not, interesting, or maybe rather weird; but I thought it would be something someone would stop to think about for a moment. So my philosophy truly aligns with the solution you presented, Matthew, but I do, besides my experience, have something to add. It is not positive. Hum... this is a though based on more of my philosophy than yours, but... when a person is truly kind and noble, what most people do is doubt and actually be scared. There is a quote by one of my favorite authors which goes something like "Society won't fall apart because of too much altruism. We don't need to fear that." Society is not prepared for kindness. Yet. That's the magical key word. On an ending note, I thought I would just say to you, Matthew: it's the first video I've seen of you and I have to admit how I admire your calm ways of speaking and your way of expressing your queerness. It is interesting that I was thinking about it while the video was playing and then I came to the part where you said you don't seem gay, but certainly fruity. Call it whatever you wanna call, I think your voice shows gentleness and intelligence, such as your body language. Please keep being like that. Take care, Matthew. And take care, everyone!
I couldn't agree more. I am a 55 yr old gay black man and I stopped dating YEARS ago because it was so superficial and meaningless. It's all about putting you in a box or a certain category that satisfies someone else's kink, in other words...SEX. It's perverse and unhealthy to base one's entire existence on sexuality. Our community is just empty and devoid of any real and sincere connection. Why can't gay's just be real and vulnerable? I've never been big on dating, honestly, but now I am flat out against it. I finally realized that I needed to be happy and fulfilled on my own so that's what I pursued and I'm glad I did. The only idea I have is for every individual to examine themselves and do the work they need to do to become a whole fully developed authentic human. Only then can you even think about building a fulfilling and meaningful relationship with someone else. That said, it's not just us. I think ALL of American society is broken and I too have considered retiring to another country for a better more fulfilling life. We'll see...
Not going to lie, you make good points that I really need for myself as a single Pringle bi guy of color in my twenties. I tried to date guys for something real, but it ends up being nothing. I’m tired of the hookups and three-day meets, and instead want something real. I was thinking about this same matter yesterday, that I had to talk with my bi community and myself to figure out my dating life mess. When I watched this video, it reminded me of my talks, and made me feel understood that this isn’t a “just me” problem. It’s something more beyond that affecting us. Nevertheless, thank you for sharing for this content, and hope to connect as a social media friend-if you ever want to chat, just message me. Thanks again, and much luv ✊🏾💖💜💙
Awww, you are cute. I’m so sorry sweetheart! I’m a straight female and follow Asian gay male couples here on YT because they can’t publicly/openly show their love without a lot of discrimination, and there is no anti-discrimination laws in place in those countries (exceptions of course in certain Asian countries). I actually found them because I discovered BLs and started watching those. Now, I’d rather watch real couples instead of the BLs. So many are in long term relationships and are in general very cute, loving, and some show how they are physically affectionate towards each other. I like following them and supporting them, giving them validation that even their families cannot. I mention them because one gay Asian man who lives in the UK has a video that explains the difference between western and Asian gays. In one word he described western gay men …. a lot of them are …. promiscuous. In places like Korea, if you are a promiscuous gay you are called out, called names like dirty by those in their own community. While there is nothing wrong with being promiscuous if that’s how you like it, I can imagine it’s tough for sweet guys like you who want an actual love connection and not just mindless sexual encounters. I’m kind of in a similar boat dealing with straight men. But, I’m no longer attracted to them in that my physical attraction to them is smashed by how turned off I am by them psychologically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Thus, I’m a single at heart gal. Romantic love is something I like to observe, but not participate in because it’s like playing the lottery. The risk is too high. So, I’m happy being single, enjoying my life. ❤
This is lovely! Your words have warmed my heart and given me a sense of peace :) we are with you too on the romantic struggle! thank you for sharing your wonderful thoughts with me and the others, it fills me with happiness 😁
"Romantic love is something I like to observe, but not participate in because it’s like playing the lottery. The risk is too high. So, I’m happy being single, enjoying my life." Really great sentiment, I don't have much to add
I just came out and literally feel hopeless. This generation is so unserious and lust driven, I just want to believe that real wholesome love still exists
It’s so hard… But so nice to see so much people feel the same. Im 21, a mixed raced black and white gay haha. There’s a whole issue with being black and gay for 1 thing… But MEN! Especially people like myself, who might be more feminine, we are looked at as sex objects, i think every type of gays are. I think the key is understanding how MEN are- in general, and trying to tackle that. Not sugar coating the natural instincts of men etc. And then having standards and boundaries to attract the guy you want. There’s loyal ones out there, it seems very little… But they are, stay hopeful and know its coming.
Dating as a person of color in this community has been difficult. It’s easy to fall into the trap of equating desirability/acceptance in the dating world to self worth especially, since it is a community around sexuality, and build desperation. For a time I could not shake the feeling that for the amount of sacrifices necessary to live in a gay body, it’s confusing that family and love (two common universal values) are more difficult to find. Overtime, I found that learning to pour energy into something that sustains you, other than dating, can be encouraging. My take is: If gay dating is a heartache, take as long as a break as you need. It’s not worth compromising on your deeply held value, nor is it worth affecting the way you view yourself.
I think something to consider is the role and importance of procreation in a relationship. Many hetero relationships are centered around this even if not explicitly. The drive to procreate in women is very strong and women select mates to build long term futures. Without these ingredients dating gets very, very difficult. So in gay relationships I’m not sure it will ever be as equal because the biological motivations are different and the hormones that bring about certain behaviors are not there. Wishing you all love and happiness.
Gay community? More like every community 😂 dating is shot with str8 & gays at this point 😅 as a trans identified person trust me it gets even worse, ur not even seen as a human 😂
For me in particular as a gay man, there are certain things and interests that I'm looking for, which for my in case in particular, very few people share the same interests as me. I've accepted that, so I don't take it personally. And if it further limits my options, so be it. I'll say that unapologetically. But at the end of the day, I know myself, and I know exactly what I'm looking for. And if I'm more picky than others, that's okay in my opinion. Some people are far more open and are willing to be down for anything, but here's my issue: people don't understand the fact that just because something works out in the best interest for you or most people, doesn't mean it's in the best interests for everybody else. People want different things, and there's nothing wrong with that. And I feel like people take that a little too personally (and this is coming from a sensitive guy like myself). Nobody thinks or speaks for me, and I can't speak for anyone. So I'm not going to automatically agree to every last thing people say or talk about. That being said, when you come across certain gays in the community that you may feel like are a little more restricted than most others, SOMETIMES it's for a reason. That person knows exactly what they do and what they don't want. Yes, it can be offensive given the worst case scenarion depending on how that man carries himself. But in all honesty, I'm thinking that some of us gays just don't like the word "preferences." Everybody is not for everybody. Otherwise, the world would be boring.
As someone who recently went to a party with blue glitter stars painted on BOTH my (face) cheeks; don’t let anyone take away your stars!!! But you’re absolutely right, gay dating is the worst. My first and only relationship happened at 20. Pre grindr era. thank God. after 8 years I started my single journey. seeing everyone being open I’m not even sure I want a bf at this point
My response is long winded, but the tldr is having a low pressure lgbt friendly social space, like other commenters have said, is the way to find something naturally. In my case, I’m a bi furry. While people stay connected online, my activity is less about the online space, and more about in person conventions and, more importantly, local meets. Since my local scene has multiple activities each month, like dinners, bowling, and park hangouts, we get ample time to express both our love of the fandom and, for the majority of us, our queer identities. This also gives time for deeper connections to grow. I had met my current boyfriend a few months before hooking up at a convention. Even after getting together like that, we still took our time as friends, and still spent time with each other at other activities, before we really decided to get into a real relationship half a year later. We’ve been together for close to a year now. While it appears my preferences for approaching sex and relationships are different than yours, having comfortable irl social spaces, even if it’s something unusual or unexpected, is vital to meet someone and have that friendship which can be nurtured into romance. I hope you’re able to find who or what you’re looking for. 😊
I am thankful to have found my partner, however I couldn’t agree more. Gay dating is the equivalent to a middle school dance. Everyone is just leaning against the walls waiting for someone to make the first move and dance. Someone has to make the first move and that person was always me. Planning the dates. Flirting. Keeping the conversation going. It got to the point where I was asking myself “do any of these grown ass men have social skills?” Thankfully I found someone who is more of a planner than me! So it all worked out in the end lol
![Dating in your 30's in Korea as a Gay Man [한글 자막]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/TADXy4Hvo4Y/mqdefault.jpg)
Thank you for the warm heart share. I will share what I did and what I have developed in regards to relationships. It may be very out of the box but I realize ALL of the dating ideas, advice and practices are centered on LOOKING rather than attracting. Think of it like a magnet, 🧲 the weight of it pulls on the outside. The weight of our desire has to be that strong and we amplify that by actual practices we do by ourselves alone, inside our minds. Most of us are out there looking and we feel empty inside which means there isn’t any weight to pull anything. Or the weight of our misery only attracts more misery. The practice of being full, removing fears doubts and beliefs that don’t align with the image that will attract what you want. None of this is an overnight thing but I will say PRACTICES that begin internal have to be instituted and learnt for gay men bc simply going outside to look amongst men who are just as lost isn’t working for most. Inner work precedes outer work. There are those who choose and those who choose back. These are the two energetic sides (interaction). May need to open up a gay 101 bc I swear if gay men don’t learn this it will continue to be extremely difficult for them to navigate and find matches.
this is incredible profound and needs to be talked about more!
my therapist told me very similar advice and years ago when I was younger and really struggling with the idea of finding romantic love. I truly believe now that your internal will reflect your and people can see your light!
I can see when people have a glow around them, and people have told me I have glow!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom here, we need it desperately
I agree looks are what matters at face value . Like you said it’s all about inner work
Oh you ate that!
The #1 problem with relationships in general is selfishness. Too many people won’t do things they don’t want to do for their partners. Not talking about sex. Talking about simple stuff like fun activities. If you can’t go to a certain concert because your partner wants to even though it’s not your favorite, you’re the problem. Relationships are give and take, and you need to be flexible and find a partner that’s flexible
Which is crazy because I would want and LOVE to be involved with my partner's interests 😭
Absolutely agree! And in my 20s I was a bit like that, but I figured things out quickly when my partner was gone
THough I am someone in a loving relationship and have been in another loving relationship prior. I will tell you that " *wholesome* gay dating is absolutely dead. " Rather, it was never alive, the ideal, romantic encounters are quite, extremely rare but it exists. I live in France and it was hellish.
Wow even in france? So yall depend on the apps as well 😩
Wow, thank you for sharing your experiences - happy to hear you're in a loving relationship :)
have lived most of my life in France but travelled a lot - grindr is very prevalent here and it's the same sh*thole that it is in the US :/
like literally only some of the wording and the general normal for "attractive" is different from country to country. if you want to live the romantic life you have to get OUT OF YOUR WAY to find it and it's not even guaranteed ... honestly i can't say anything about grindr, helps a lot in big cities, found my fiancé on it and it was a stroke of pure luck so don't give up and keep at it !!!
@@clement9782I’m French but have never lived in France and only in California. Can u elaborate on the normal for attractiveness
Me too im from France and bi bro where are u from????
I'm literally on dating apps. All these guys swipe right on me then I swipe back and no one texts me unless I say something and when I do they're either bland or suddenly they're not interested anymore. Like if you're going to swipe on me first please say something.
Omg..... I deal with this ALL THE TIME... like why are you on the apps if you're not gonna put in any effort?!
@@matthewsypertexactly I can’t
@@matthewsypert Exactly, I genuinely think the men that act like this are only on the apps for EGO BOOSTS. They like the idea of searching for an attractive person and attractive people swiping/liking their posts, but they don't have any intention furthering that interaction.
dating apps are NOT for serious/long term relationships
omg YES the guys are dry. That's why I stop using it to find "dates". But at least I got to weed them out.
It’s extremely difficult because app culture has ruined any chance of us progressing socially. Straight people have the advantage of numbers and being able to call any space their own, but we don’t have any third spaces that don’t involve hookup culture, which is crucial in the development of substantial friendships and relationships. We don’t even try to endorse the ones that do exist that aren’t clubbing atmospheres, let alone create new ones because everyone is trapped in the endless cycle of looking for substance over the internet.
At this point it’s so bad that the only way we could actually move forward is to get rid of the apps, in lieu of real life spaces that bring gay people together on mutual interests rather than just alcohol and hookups. It’s unlikely that will ever happen though.
everything, all of this is pure raw truth, thank you. maybe if there were queer cafes, social activities groups, etc - that could really help us out. I think our generation and queer people in general, would benefit greatly from establishments / groups like that
You are so correct about the necessity for third spaces. Universities sometimes have queer clubs but honestly imo, most folks just treat the events like hookup screenings and speed dating opportunities. :/
@@smellydonut5088 Hookup culture existed before dating apps, sadly.
Lol I gave up at 22yrs old. I'm 30yrs old now 😅 nothings changed at all.
I think the newer gays will have a better chance at dating and love. They didn't have to grow up in a society that casually talked about them burning in hell, being confused, or being stoned to death in multiple countries.
When you're not allowed to explore attraction, affection, dating, or sexuality until adulthood... there will be negative effects and trauma. We didn't get to talk to our parents about our crushes, going on first dates, safety, etc etc. We had gay p**n and shame until adulthood 😅
I talked about this topic so much with my best friend, how different things were for us growing up…
It really sucks and it’s hard when a lot of us just start dealing with the trauma in adulthood.
But since we go through so much I wanna think it’s for something. At the end of the day, it was for something greater, and that can make me feel hopeful
@@matthewsypertI need to think it's for love. I have never met a long term partner on a dating site, only at work, or at a cafe etc. I flirt a little bit and talk. They respond or they don't. I have had three long term partners. Why is this way so difficult?
i gave up at 25 and found love at 26
Yes. Absolutely. I agree, and also have more hope for the next gen.
Trauma predisposes one to addictions, such as substance use or sexual addictions, in order to mask painful feelings. True.
@@NorbieSimon Good for you!
Hot take: Dating as a gay was always terrible, it is only now being propagandized to be as simple as a typical relationship (hetero).
That is only your subjective opinion. Which is fine, it's your free speech right 100%. BUT, again, that is very subjective. This is based on a false assumption that straight ppl have no turmoil. No matter who you are, or where you are...... we ALL face life challenges. There's many straight couples that have to deal with child protective custody etc. as examples of common difficulties encountered in that group. You also base, in my opinion, your assumption on a basis of what's called "essentialism". Essentialism is a slippery slope to eugenics. Do you support that?
Lesbian WOC here and I feel you! Everyone's afraid to make the first move because of the fear of rejection. I was like this too, but I worked on combatting my negative self talk to the point where approaching people is fun :) DO NOT feel like you are falling behind at 22 yrs old - My current gf and I were 20 [me] and 22 [her] when we first met - its her first relationship. It is perfectly normal to start dating around early - mid - or even late twenties in the gay/lesbian/LGBTQ+ scene. Dating is rough, and you are perfectly complete on your own, but you will find your person!
you make me smile! :) thank you for this lovely comment 💗
This is so real! As a gay black man with locs, I feel so “niche” when it comes to dating. I’m really focusing on developing my own self-confidence and allowing whatever is meant for me come to me. I haven’t given up on love per se but I hold my mental, physical, and spiritual health in high value than wasting it away on apps
I relateeeeeeeeeeeee to you so much. thank you for sharing your positivity here
Wdym by “niche”? I have locs also & would like to know
Are you in community/ have a large extended network of Black people ? Are you in a town/ state that has a large Black population, and is there a visible Black gay dating pool ? And are you looking to date other Black gay men ?
@@milanozz8202 I don't know is the word that captures what I'm trying to explain. I mean that representation in media when it comes to black men and hair is so limited. We either have a low cut fade, bald or afro. There's also the stereotypes we navigate with having locs. I LOVE my locs and just want more representation in dating and in media that reflects how I express in the open world, as opposed to the conventional textbook ideas ppl have about how we should wear our hair. hope this explains it further. xx
@@obatalaosun2222 Yes, I am in community with blk ppl. This conversation is honestly bigger than me. I was talking about representation in media and the dating pool as a whole. I LOVE darker skin and locs and just want to navigate the world without the projection ppl have toward me.
Im straight but its interesting to hear your perspective. I think in general, men tend to more prone to sexual relationships rather than romantic ones.
This is a generality, i definitely dont fall into that category myself. But i can imagine that you, as a gay man, are probably going to have a hard time finding someone who is looking for s long term and committed relationship.
You seem like a nice man though, you look like you take good care of your skin and hair. Maybe you can try the dating apps and really specify you dont want to have sex immediately. That you want something romantic. It wont work perfectly but it wouldn't hurt.
I appreciate you saying this and being involved! Your comment is uplifting not only for me, but everyone else here too! 😁
Isn't this a form of sexism to say that all men are "one way" ? You know, at one point in time, people used to think hysteria was a symptom of women. You are stereotyping and making the claim that what constitutes male and female don't have any social constructs attached to them. Yet, hasn't the role of man and woman changed over evolutionary history as can be evidenced in changing social & familial dynamics over hundreds of years. As the economic and environmental environments change, roles change in lockstep.
healthy delusion
I live in Poland and it took becoming a furry to get access to cool queer neurodivergent people lol
Wth
My personal issue as a gay black hopeless romantic:
1: Im not aesthetically pleasing because i am a bigger guy but i know im cute im the face
2: i actually do shoot my shot sometimes but i always get responses like “thank you bro appreciate it” (and nothing else) or if its at a workplay or 3rd space its “oh yeah im not gay or attracted to men” (even though half the time i can tell they are just saying that because they are not interested and dont want to say it)
3: Same issue as you with the city in terms of the openly gay dating pool its small and most of them are not looking for a serious monogamous long term relationship etc. it’s also alot of dl men with wifes or kids and some are attracted to men but are afraid to explore that side of themselves for plenty of reason even if they are already grown
you are not alone, this so relatable on manyyyy fronts
WHY ARE ALL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE LOOKING FOR BFS AND ARE LEGIT DEAD ACCURATE FOR MY PREFERENCES, NEVER IN MY AREA 😭😭😭
such tea 😞
I don't understand. If the dude isn't attracted to men then why are you asking him and how do you know for a fact that he's lying?
How can u say that u can tell that someone is gay
I was dating a guy, as a gay guy, and he said that we were not open, he called me his husband, and gave all these other indicators that we were good together. We had similar families, work histories, and interests. We could talk for hours. That was until I caught him cheating on me. I they learned that he was married, so instead of cheating on me, he was cheating with me. He acted like I was the weird one when I was upset and betrayed. I've been learning from other people in this area that that is how it is. If you live in Miami, good luck. They don't want serious relationships. I'm from the rural South, so I guess that's why I'm more traditional in that regard. Unfortunately, we just have to weed through a lot more low value crap than certain other people, but I promise that we will find people who match our intellect, morals, and relationship goals. God bless
I live in Miami too and it's HELLLLL for gay dating. They be sooo fine 😩 but so fckued up in the head 😭 side note: You have Instagram? We could be friends
@@WhatsTrendingWithTrenton agreed! Ill follow you on instagram
That's why I constantly thinking that it's very much possible for me to reach my 30's without never dating someone
As a trans male, gay, living in a small homophobic city, monogamous (wanting marriage)… there’s no much hope 😭
please do your best to get out of there even if it takes many years, you deserve to shine
@@matthewsypertthanks, I swear I would 💖
I have noticed that many trans men are gay. What's up with that?
@@orangeyellow-me1pzAre you asking a gay person to explain why other people are gay?
My dude, being gay is just part of who they are. There is no "why."
@@Venjamin it's not what I'm asking...
You’re absolutely right, and yo I’m actually really happy you’re using your voice for this. I’ve been in a really bad relationship when I was 19-20 and it put me off it for the foreseeable future honestly. I’m 23 now. I totally relate
It's probably why you see a lot of couples with a big age difference. Older dudes just can't attract like they used to and start dreaming of securing a fine looking man. The few young gays that actually want a loving, lasting relationship get to the point of despair and suddenly the older dude who has money, and a house etc starts becoming appealing.
Isn't this the same dynamic that also sometimes plays out in the straight community. Ever heard of Anna Nicole Smith ? Lol
Either way, regardless of sexual orientation or identity, adolescents need to be educated and prepared to stand up for themselves and have high standards so that when they enter adulthood they don't sacrifice their values and lose self-confidence. The problem is that we don't prepare them to so they're vulnerable to exploitation as young adults, both gay guys as well as young women alike.
One of my biggest issues is constantly being fetishized sexually by gay guys for my race. I never really felt like I had a true connection with someone, I just fulfilled their “fantasy”…
And that’s a tricky one I can relate to you on.😔
It’s a very disgusting and disheartening feeling, I remove those type of people out of my life ASAP
"The problem is that many gay men don't take the initiative on dating apps. They tend to just talk without actually making a move to ask the person they're chatting with out on a date. Also, our standards are often too high-we need to remember that we're all human, with flaws in both our appearance and bodies." Also lets not rely on the dating apps there are others ways to put yourself out there!
1000% agree
As a bisexual South Asian man (21) who's never even tried dating yet, from what I've heard it is possible but just more complicated; forget the apps and bars, which I just know will only be self-hatred waiting to happen for me since we Desis are extremely hairy, are either otters or bears in terms of body type and have our beards grow back like five seconds after we shave them- and 100 other reasons, a big one for me being bisexual erasure. Basically, I hear you have to find several non-LGBTQ-related social groups based on your interests/career/etc. that regularly meet in person, initially with the intention of making friends. And then, in a city as big and accepting as mine, odds are you're bound to come across other queer folk at some point in at least one- and if you feel attracted to one then let them see the real you and work from there; my younger brother has been officially, monogamously dating a transgender person for months and I suspect that this method is how he met his personfriend and his many LGBTQ friends; perhaps I could ask him how he did it. (The simple fact that he's already on his third lover at 18 in and of itself is already encouraging, since he has very similar hobbies and almost the exact same voice and facial features as me to the point that when we were kids people who knew us both would mix up our names; if he can do it then that's good enough for me.) I will try my best, and try not to give up; sometimes things just work out, even when it looks like they won't. "Wholesome" relationships in and of themselves are already very rare no matter where your interests lie, you just need to keep searching and you'll find them.
I luckily live in Seattle (a large enough city that there's bound to be at least two of every type of person) which is extremely accepting and its gay/bi community- which, from what I've seen of it as of right now- appears to be rather diverse.
I'm gagging that I'm seeing dozens of these types of videos. This is all so unbelievable and so unreal.
@@transbrations I know… it’s rough out here for all of us
rlly nice to see this topic touched on. I'm in my mid-20s and never been in a relationship either for this exact same reason. Most times it just feels beyond hopeless finding a decent loving romantic guy out here in 2024 like its CRAZY how difficult it is. V soothing voice also btw xxx
I appreciate you! 🥹 You are 100% not alone in the struggle, it is nice to know it's not just me :)
All dating is displaying oneself to ATTRACT others. Gay dating itself is already statistically niche, so compounding that with preferences and men’s highly sexual nature, makes it harder to attract someone long-term.
transfemme lesbian here, and feeling like me and my partner are the last monogamous queers left on earth. 😂😂😂😭
😂😂
When I was trying transition to man, the gay male dating culture was such a HUGE culture shock for me. It was NOT like straight dating culture at all. It's even more of a mindfuck if you're not white.
It was never alive. It may not seem like it, but it's a blessing. The best you can do is learn yes and no, go to therapy, remind yourself everyday that movies and tv are not real, let your experiences reveal the fantasies that you told yourself so that you can cleave them from your mind. Don't waste your time running around after no man. Let your problems be your problems and focus on those! That chase is just a rush for some extra baggage that is not even necessary.
I love this, positive and straight to the point! love your wisdom, thank you 🙏🏾
I haven’t been in a relationship myself but a few weeks ago this guy actually asked me out at an insomnia of all places. We ended up going on a date and it didn’t end up working out but I’m still grateful I got to experience it. Mind you I live in Alabama so it can happen! Dont lose hope!
Adding in I’m also BLACK in Alabama 😭
I agree. Especially in America, we arent even top 20 of countries in terms of gay acceptance and wholesomeness 🙄 I just now am updating my apps for something one off you know, i dont think I'd ever try to find a relationship on an app or online. Its always labels, labels, labels and ones that dont describe myself. Its frustrating, not to mention i live in a super small town and hours away from larger areas.
The best guys have always been ones i met in person, but we start as friends because i like to have a long lasting friendship before romantic. My therapist thinks im wanting a nice guy to fall from the sky, and yes if i have to be that delusional to find something great i will. I just want to be a natural encounter. And yes, ill be a little delusional to be happy. And i will never let myself lose hope
I got emotional a little. I was into this guy in highschool who was definitely bisexual, and its been years since but i still cant let go. Ive been through hell. I want people to know that theres acceptance now. Weve come so far! So lets go out and shoot our shot like straights, i mean be confident. We can change our culture by exposing it to the world, then it can become bigger. I hope everyone reading this gets their happiness, everyone deserves that.
@@amethystcrystal5799 this warms my heart :,) thank you sharing your story and this beautiful message, starting my morning on a positive note!
@@matthewsypert I'm glad, hope your day is wonderful
Ever since I came out, I had thought the gay community had an issue with an over sexualization and romanticism for young characteristics, so I pushed hard to maintain my image, I went to Grindr at 18 and kept to finding a relationship and did! Overall if you’re older the community tosses you to the side, the issue is aging in the gay community is awful, at a certain age, as sad as it sounds you’re just not going to get a relationship, as sad as it sounds, that’s the culture we have.
I don't believe that one bit. Yes, that may have been your experience. And your experience is valid, so I don't want to put it down. But give me a break, you really don't think there are any long term committed gay relationships out there right now ?
Oh yeah, no wonder they say that if you're 25 and more, you're 'dead' for gay dating. I guess it's over for me huh.
@@Kerem-mf9oy
it's never too late. many many kind gay guys. but maybe you're looking in the wrong places is the main thing. Grindr and "hookup" apps aren't going to land you someone nice. better avenues are like queer sports teams, or book clubs, or churches, or political groups, or better yet volunteering groups.
I was wholesome up until I was 22. Then I got groomed into a polycule because I fell in love with one guy; I said no. But they roped me in anyway tricking me to meet and have multiple sexual partners. Eventually I got out of it but after that I was completely unable to be monogamous after that. Anytime I've tried since then I fall out of love being monogamous and have to tell that person they're not enough alone. It's like they corrupted my brain lol. That or I just haven't found my person yet.. but it gets faster and faster that I fall out of the honeymoon.. last time it only lasted a week.
Looking grim boys.
I appreciate you being open, this is a safe space. that is a terribly unfortunate thing that happened to you - sending all my love
If it's not too personal,could you please tell what he did and how he manipulated you as guidance and cautionary for younger gays against manipulation?
@@muhamadhelmi7949 well. I was 22 and single on the internet. He was 30 and in an unhappy open relationship. These kinds of people will try to say they’re you’re bestfriend for a while to get what they want out you.
Id be cautious of anyone in an unhappy relationship willing to tell you so. I’d also be cautious of anyone with a significant age gap who really has no business talking to you. Personally, I think you’re a groomable person until you’re 25+ and can build a spine.
The whole time I knew this person they got me saying I love them within a week and tried to get me to be one of their boyfriends. Then they tried to fly me out within a month; my gut started screaming at me about how weird it is here; and about a year later I finally went to a convention surrounded by gay people with him there. I disclosed I did not want to have sex with him there and he agreed so I met. He answered the door in a jockstrap at his hotel and it was the only time he got me alone with him. I proceeded inside thinking he wouldn’t try to sleep with me based on what we agreed on. But he cornered me and; while I never said no. I was disgusted and dissociated the whole time he molested me. Afterwards I asked him why he flew me out, he told me he never got to live when he was younger so if he can help a friend do so he’s glad to help. He went to instantly brag in dms to our friends about how awful I was at sex and how he hate fucked me & how I’m a straggot and wasn’t worth the plane ticket. I was just devastated that this guy preyed on me and tricked me for a year straight. And honestly the silver lining, it gave me a spine. To recognize how evil/catty public gay scenes can be, how manipulators work, and to learn to not ignore my gut feelings about whether or not someone is being fake.
Trusting your gut is #1, but it probably will take a couple of mistakes before you can trust it sadly.
@@matthewsypert thank you
When men stop being on grindr and meet people irl without just the expectations of sex, things will fall in place for sure
Ain't gonna happen
@@Rage_Harder_Then_Relax 😔
@@Rage_Harder_Then_Relaxexactly
idt it was ever more wholesome than it is currently, considering how many of us can even identify as queer upfront and even plan a romantic future overseas! but i do think the current state of dating is a reflection of outside pressures/experiences/traumas, even. and it is bleak out there in the world rn. we gotta try to be kind to ourselves, and others
the toxic beauty standards in the gay community 💔
Don’t get me started on that…the hyper fixation of gay guys going to the gym to fit the beauty standards, it’s terrible 😭
Hi girl, I feel the same way as of lately (my whole life lmao). I'm only 18 and I already feel so weird and kind of out of place in most gay spaces, which might be in part bc I'm bi and that itself has other implications and judgements ppl make but for the most part I just feel like we as a community are still stuck in the same place. All the gay guys want a fit, tall, white dude but I do not fit the description + they don't want a monogamous relationship, aren't looking for emotional connections 99% of the time. It's tiiiriiiiiinnnggggggggg.
Much love and I wish you the best tbh bc it is tough out here girl :'/
i think people like definitions. what do you want to be in a relationship about? cause very few people are interested in just 'being around' another person for no other reason than 'i think they are pretty'...that gets old very quick, the relationship HAS TO BE based on a long term scope and since we are gay men, the scope cannot be assumed and, for most of us, we cant copy our parents
great point! I’m curious how often people in our community consider the overall plan/goal with finding or having their said partner. There’s truly so many facets to consider when getting into a relationship other than physical intimacy. I think more people should think like you because this point is very important!
I relate so much and I think it's so sad!!! I've only ever been in one relationship that came to a halt fairly quickly - it lasted for about 10 months and I was with a person who was an emotional wreck which is a killer for a hopeless romantic like me! It was a long distance relationship, too, which was awful. We broke up over 2.5 years ago and every dating experience I've had before AND after said relationship was an absolute mess as well. Last year, I dated someone for about 4 months (2 of which were emotional torture) and it left me absolutely heartbroken still to this day. Since then, I haven't mustered up the courage to date again.
I'm also not really someone who has a lot of courage approaching guys. I tried it a couple times and burned myself pretty bad. One time I talked to a guy I really liked at a beach party - we knew each other from dance class. We talked and talked and after a while he said "I'm gonna get something to drink, I'll be back in a sec" and left me sitting on a bench for at least an hour and then it clicked. I felt so humiliated.
It doesn't really help that 99.9% of my friends are in loving, long-term-relationships, moved in together, engaged, married or pregnant. I've never ever been even close to that and I'm in my late 20s.
On top of that, so incredibly many gay guys have this masc for masc thing going on and it drives me absolutely crazy!!! It's not only the toxic masculinity but also internal homophobia and often times even misogyny - combine all those things with testosterone and you've got yourself a literal monster of a human and this is the dating pool we're swimming in?! Idk...
Sorry for being so negative, I guess I'm pretty frustrated atm. Thank you for opening up this space!! 💘 I also love what you said about being a little delusional but happy :)
From how you speak and looking at your profile picture, I think you're gorgeous and it's their lose to miss out on you. One of my best advice from a guest speaker in high school said "never settle for less". You don't deserve another person's emotional baggage or mental illness. We have to work on ourselves and love ourselves first before we can ever love another person
Just keep looking for wholesome people, who are more interested in tasks and hobbies than being noticed. The guys who focus on their bodies and social life do it for the attention, not personal development. If you’re really lucky, then they won’t be hopelessly addicted to social media either. It will be tough to find a real person, but they are out there. The trouble is that most are quite reclusive, so finding them can be a challenge.
I’m so happy you’re here!!! And I’m sorry for your bad experiences :(
Thank you for being so open and willing to share, you deserve the world - people like you light it up and show the rest of us there’s hope!
so many of your points have been on my mindddd, thank you for speaking on it. heavy on being okay alone, from a gemini 😭✨🤎
"eugh get away from me, im not one of you" spoken like the diva we need
when i was 16 i was hoping for romance. we kissed only after 2 months. i was so in love.
im almost 24 now and most of my relationships are short-lived, long distance, open. my monogamous relationships failed. ive learned to be able to kiss and fuck without even being attracted to the person. and im also a gay trans man - im scared of approaching cis men, i expect rejection and even disgust. violence even. and then it became illegal to be lgbt in my country??? i guess im stuck with exchanging dick pics with dudes across the ocean for the rest of my life. my love llife is doomed
I fully get the "not looking gay thing." Like, yes, I do dress very fruity (high-waist, wide-leg jeans, heavy prints, colors, etc.), but I am 6'2 230, scruffy, and have awful rbf. It's almost like, in an attempt to seem "more gay," I try to feminize every part of me, but then I feel super dysphoric, and not to mention unsafe (gaybashing). I'm generally pretty androgynous in my style/personality and don't feel great leaning too heavy into masc or femme, which I think is part of my problem. I don't really put myself in any box, and with how categorical and label-heavy the queer community is, its hard to just exsist without having to fill out a D&D character sheet. I am not trying to screen for the "perfect partner," I just wanna have a cup of coffee with someone. And, mind you, I'm cis and white, so I can only imagine how much harder this is for BIPOC and trans/enby people.
You’re speaking to me, I’m so tired of the categories, labels, everything. We judge each other based off external appearances and create a persona for the other person without even talking to them… trying to fit in is so restrictive, you truly have to throw away the concept of labels to save yourself the pain. And doing that makes you even stronger and freer than before
I'm 29 never been in a relationship, just had a few hook ups. I fully gave up❤
Did i write this? Because same 😢
(Also 29 - but I’m bi though)
Have never said “i love you” to anyone nor dated anyone seriously.
Ive dated ppl for no 3 months but nothing id call true relationships. No one ever wants to give long term or even short term a try.
@@andremoseley2362stuff like this makes me wish there was a pill or something to make me straight😔
@@todaychange5-7783 oh i hear you 😢 no one chooses to be queer.
You deserve a big hug I wish you the best one and good wishes!!
me and my husband met in the late 10s and even then dating gay sucked. but now is even worse: between the apps being worthless and people not knowing how to date, communicate, or even admit what they actually want, is a mess. we know because were polyamorous and have been dating 3rds with varying sucess. the most persistent issue is and has always been flakes. you cant get into any relationship, sexual or romantic, if you dont follow through. and worst, these gays have the gall to complain about being single. YOURE THE JUDGMENTAL FLAKE
If my bs detector goes off, I just shut down to it, I walk away because I am not dealing with bs situationships. Everyone is capable of being in a loving, happy, and committed relationship. It’s fine to want to hook up, but don’t sell yourself short just because you think what you want is not possible. When I hear “That’s just how the world is” like no, it is up to each individual to decide what kind of person they want to be, and if the relationships you are settling for don’t make you happy, don’t settle, what you want is out there it just might be harder to find these days. Unfortunately it is hard to keep a sensitive, caring, and good hearted spirit alive in a brutal and uncaring world, but we can shape what this world will be individually. I have felt my own spirit dim when I lower my standards and it’s not worth it to me anymore. “Be the change you want to see in the world” is more true than ever and in my opinion very needed. We do owe basic respect and care to each other and we are better for it.
Omg this. Literally was feeling melancholy last night thinking about how the gay community is wrecked smh. It’s all about labels, Dls, fems, size queens, Tina, colorist. I CAN NOT HELP
You are not alone in having those thoughts! 😭 it seems a lot of us are woke though :)
I'm watching this as i get ready for a date, i like pain.
Omg💀 I hope it goes well! Send an update!
I just wanted to say, THANK YOU ALL for the love on this video! 🥹 before posting it I felt so alone in my thoughts, I’m so grateful to hear others can relate to me!
These conversations are SO IMPORTANT TOO. I love seeing you guys chat it up in the comments and I’m chiming in when I can. THANK YOU ALL AGAIN, so much love for all of you, xoxo
Gurl OnlyFans ruined it all
I never really felt apart of the community because I'm so old-fashioned. I date to find a hubby. Keep your head up. I eventually found my needle in a haystack boyfriend 4 months ago, who is just like me. We don't care for all the chaos lol. Ps. Im from England originally and we are romantic. 😊
YAYYYY! This is all I needed to hear! I knew it was out there 😁
I'm sorry if this feels intrusive in your guys' space. I'm not a gay man, I'm a lesbian. I just wanted to vent a little bit. Personally my relationships have been pretty wholesome. At least in the beginning. Since in the end, they always ended up with a guy somehow. My main issue with sapphic dating (at least where i live) is the amount of people who are in it just to "experiment". They will get with you for months, even one or two years and then come at to you and tell you they're "not sure of who they are anymore". I kinda gave up at this point haha
This is a safe space, please and thank you for sharing! I’m sorry to hear you are having the same issues…it’s tough in the lgbtq+ community, but I want to hold out hope that eventually something positive will come. before then I’ll just keep focusing on me and be happy doing that
I just moved to L.A. and I've had a lot of similar frustrations with dating men. I can relate to your experience with being fully confident in yourself and secure in what you bring to other people but somehow unable to find people who match that energy. I've personally decentered the idea that I am looking for a "relationship" and I'm still having these problems. I approach all new people I meet knowing that I am a complete person, and I am just looking to invite cool people into my life without putting any expectations on them. It seems like my energy is out of place here unfortunately. A lot of guys are looking for someone to be romantically obsessed with them, but I just know that isn't sustainable for real relationships.
You articulated this so well I can definitely relate to what you're saying. Crazy how people seem to lack the basics of human emotion and understanding in this day and age
My hot take on all this is, gay male relationships were literally illegal for hundreds of years, and those attitudes have only changed in the past decade or two. Our culture, for a long time, has revolved around quick hookups and moving on, because that's all we were ALLOWED to do for forever.
So now, we're in a weird situation where, we don't NEED that culture anymore, but we haven't moved on from it as a community. How I've decided to cope with it is platonic queer meetups; connecting with other gay men in a way that isn't sexual or romantic (through meetup groups). It may not lead to a relationship necessarily, but it's useful in so many other ways; I stop objectifying other men and myself, I stop only valuing other gay men by how they look, I have people in my life like me who understand me, and you form a community of queer people, and we all stop feeling lonely as a result.
Also, according to the The Straights, you find a partner through having loads of friends, and your friends recommend their friends to you. So my idea is the next best thing (imo). Just some food for thought.
Love this, thank you for sharing with us all - great take right here
I see this complaint constantly, and maybe I'm just lucky, and who knows where life will take my partner and I, but it's not impossible to find a guy you date well enough to be your boyrriend.
The mistake I see young gay males make is they think a good first date equates to a relationship. That's like trying on an outfit, walking out of the store & not paying it, and then complaining the outfit doesn't fit or complement you.
1. Try to save sex until things become official. Lots of guys will want to have sex with you and then you don't hear back from them.
2. If they are straight, keep things moving along. He is not into you because he is a straight man.
3. Try to limit swipes/apps. Dating apps can be addictive and constantly getting bombarded with notifications can give you a lack of regulation and heightened anxiety. Also, please have a life.
4. A relationship won't fix your problems. You're lonely? Sometimes, your boyfriend might have to travel to see friends or family and you're alone.
You're bored? You and your bf will be bored at times.
I love my boyfriend, but he enhances/compliments my life-- he is not the reason I am alive or my missing piece because I myself was incomplete.
That's right you are lucky! Simple as that. As a 54 year old it's completely opposite.
@@Rage_Harder_Then_Relax Gay dating culture certainly looks WAY different for the Gen X'ers than it does for us millennials, and for that, I thank your generation for making the strides you gays did so that we could walk.
As an aside, I'm sorry you feel hopeless in your search for love. I do genuinely hope you find what you're looking for!
Not gay man but a lesbian and I want to say thank you for your message because I had been thinking for a while that maybe I should lower my standards and think about having sex but this just confirmed that I shouldn’t !
Thank you for saying this!! I’m so happy for you and LOVE to hear your mindset! Growing up I felt like I was the only one around thinking similarly. (wanting to wait in the relationship before sex, having something that adds to my life, not complete it, etc)
I needed to hear this truly!!
@@raneem2918 Having sex on dates is entirely personal. Just from my experience and others in my life, if you have sex before things become official, you could get taken advantage of.
Omg I'm about turn 20 this month and I have the similar problems as you😢 (Black, gay, romantic). Its so hard out here. I think because I present a little masculine (just a lil) people always second guess if I'm gay. We need more Black gay rep😭
We DO - I’m trying to represent 😭
The situation in Scotland is so bad that I'm now being shown people from Australia and South America on Tinder. Also, most gay people in the country have either spoken with each other, know each other or are mutuals with other gay men. This results in these weird situations where you've run through everyone on the apps, so you start talking to past matches, except both of you pretend it's the first time you're interacting.
great video king. Thank you for helping me feel less alone. You’ve perfectly captured how so many of us are feeling. Let’s stay hopeful and a lil delulu
🫶🏾🫶🏾
I’m a 20 year old bisexual man and let me tell you I’ve lost hope. My mindset when it comes to relationships is I’m ”dating to marry” obviously I’m not planning to get married anytime soon, I want to go in with the mindset ”I could imagine marrying this person”. Wanting a monogamous, committed relationship is fucking impossible in the gay scene nowadays. I’m not necessarily a traditional man, but I do have some ”traditional values” that I believe in. The boyfriends I’ve had before have all been party animals, wanting to live their life to the fullest, which I completely understand, I listened to a podcast where a guy said that ”most gay people have not been able to experience those gay teen moments in their actual teens, so they compensate for that in their twenties” but that’s just not me. I’ve lost hope for a loving relationship where I can come home to someone and feel cared for and loved.
That’s all for me
Wow this is like you’re speaking to me directly.. I feel the exact same way and operate the same way. I never try to come across judgmental, because live your life! But I can’t relate when it comes to being deep in the party culture and gay scene. It’s like being an outsider in your own community which is tough, you are not alone! 🙏🏾
@@matthewsypert last part is very true, I’m not going to pretend like I don’t enjoy going to a club or a dragshow with friends now and then, but for me it’s quite overstimulating and I’d rather sit in a bar or a pub and talk, which isn’t everyone’s cup of tea unfortunately. Many times when trying to ”network” with other queer people a kind of ”language barrier” forms, There’s a lot of references and things that I don’t know about because I’m not as deep into the scene as others, this makes me slightly uncomfortable because I feel I cannot communicate and relate to other people. because of the community being very small in some areas and because of the discrimination and harassment some face, being able to bond over shared interests and likings, and also knowing that this person is safe, is very important for many LGBT people.
I am very straight presenting, so I am often completely disregarded in instances that don’t involve a hookup, this hurts my feelings, because how will I learn of these things and connect with new people if me being different, now referring to ”not stereotypically gay”, (sadly you will sometimes be judged by other gay people on wether you are ”gay enough” or fit the standard etc.) makes me undesirable to form connections with.
Man idk, it’s confusing.
Y'all are too young to be giving up you've barely started and dating isn't easy for most people. If you guys want to take some time to focus on yourselves that's fine too.
I've just kinda given up on getting into a relationship since i came out as a trans guy. Almost nobody knows i'm also gay because i don't think it matters to my family or friends. Just being trans already puts me in a dificut situation in almost every aspect of my life. I'm still a teenager so dating apps or going out to queers events (which are rare where i live) is not an option for me. I don't feel like i need a lover but goddamit wouldn't it be nice, specially being surrounded by classmates who go around talking about their love lives 24/7 and kissing in thw hallways. It makes me feel like i'm just undesirable, which maybe i am considering i'm a sensitive person and i'm also currently dealing with some stuff. But i know i'm cute and i know i deserve to be cared for anf loved just as i want to love and care for someone else. Guess i'll just have to wait and try to not get my hopes too high or too low, like, to keep it in the middle.
this is an incredibly valid and heard message, thank you for sharing this.
Or move to a big city as soon as you can, at least for a while. I did that when I was about 19. I honestly feel blessed to have lived my entire adult in life in places where most people are accepting and progressive in their views and if they're not, they at least tend to mind their own business.
@@KarlSmith-p5r thanks for the advise. I actually plan to do something similar once i become a legal adult and find a way to produce my own money to actually move. I have family here so it's not so easy for me to just leave for a more progressive city (or country) but it is something i have plans for.
I imagine that can be really difficult. I can relate in some ways.
Oh my god you're my age and you're literally me. I gave up on love a while ago too.
Grindr is a mess. It's a mess. It's bad.
I don't really know what the endgoal even is to be honest.
whenever I feel totally hopeless I have to delete all apps and just focus on life again.
I then think “maybe I’ll come across someone in a different way” like through work, an event, etc, you gotta hold that hope out! We’re still so young!
I’m 25, I live in Chicago. It’s absolutely trash. If open relationships are your jam, go ahead, but I feel that a lot of gay men are stunted and want to come in swinging with non monogamy. I’ve been dating less guys my age, but immaturity is present everywhere, and gay men often have tendencies to be childish after the fact because once they reach a certain age, they’re not gonna change. If anything, this assures me once I find someone, and if those things even end up being in our future, it’ll be real fuckin special. For the time being, I really just don’t care anymore, I have career goals I want to meet and I’m going to be a lot happier pursuing those to have space for a relationship when I’m older. I’m out of hope, but just temporarily. It’s more apathy toward the very idea of dating for a while, and to be honest, I don’t want a boyfriend for a long time. I feel you on the matter of being enough on your own (in my opinion you should strive for that individually anyway before being committed to someone) but I do think it will take leaving a city to find something truly intimate. If that ends up not being what I want or what I get at a later point, at least I’m putting in the work to improve myself. Coming out isn’t enough to just say that you’ve grown as a person, and I truly don’t believe the majority of gay men understand that.
Thank you for sharing this, this is the maturity we need in the community! 100% agree on all points, finding yourself and striving in individuality should be a independent endeavor that happens before a relationship, which does make you happy and fulfilled. being that way for as long as I have been so far has kept me in a very inspired, strong place!
OMG someone who finally understands me
Yes yes yes fully
yo dread bob is fye 🔥
thank you!! :) my signature look for sure 😌
As a gay trans guy who’s 19 and never had a romantic/sexual experience, I don’t feel so hopeless. Because Im used to cutting people off and avoiding certain people who thing certain ways. And thats a lot of gay cis men unfortunately. Dating other trans people seems to be my best bet in order to feel safe, and most trans people don’t have these hang ups. So, heart goes out to you man, even tho I’m in a different world than yours.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and recommendations. I pretty much agree with most of what you said. But, there is hope! I have been in a 100% monogamous relationship with a wonderful guy for over 38 years (yes I am old, probably could be your grandfather). Your recommendation to skip the DL guys no matter how hot is spot on. Yes, it is important to approach other guys that seem interesting, and yes it can be scary. So don't give up, keep to what you know you want, and it will happen. The only other advice I can offer is to join a group about something you enjoy, for example if you like to run, there is a gay running group called frontrunners. If you are into camping, there is a gay camping group I think called great outdoors. You will meet guys that you have something in common with and it won't be a hook up event (usually). You deserve to be happy and find a guy that you can share your life with, keep trying!!!
I appreciate this so much!! Thank you for the positivity 😁
I feel like dnd has been the ultimate dating app work around. Met my gf at a game, and we eventually went through friends to lovers after a Mother Mother concert BUT ITS SO FUCKING RARE.
totally unrelated but i rlly am in love w the video quality, what camera setup (body + lens) do u use ??
I use the DJI Osmo Pocket 3! The lens is a part of the creator combo!
i just love when people yap and i just listen😌
subscribed 😘
🥹🥹
It's very sad how so many of us feel the same way, I've been trying to remain hopeful myself, and it's so validating to hear more and more voices share the same feeling, our community really needs a wake up call, for whoever reads this, i hope you find love and a healthy relationship in your future
Dating apps can go to hell, especially gay ones
I was able to find my bf when I stopped looking for a relationship online. I started looking for friends instead, lmao. At least one gay dude with similar interests will be normal, so just fuck em creeps and go with a flow. The first thing for me was how organically our introductions and first time chatting felt. Seek good vibes and have fun ✌️
Sadly when I looked for a relationship it was difficult connecting with guys. All my long term partners came from hookups with guys who I naturally vibed with and we ended up getting close. I think dating is easier for guys who are more “bedroom focused.” A lot of men are too selfish to put romance before hooking up. It’s not a problem to be sexpositive and for it to be an important part of your relationship. But it’s the guys who lie about what they want initially that things get problematic.
I need somebody like you in my life, nowadays there’s no real authenticity and nobody’s actually genuine
As a man on the ace spectrum im like half convinced it’s over for me tbh
the gay community does need to pick it up off the floor coming from the pov of a wholesome relationship which ARE out there waiting for you!!!
0:52 fire alarm battery low or am I crazy
Oh absolutely
in some way, as a gay guy who's just coming to age, starting to feel more comfortable with himself and come out to his family and friends and all that, it was a huge gut punch when i realized that i would have it very hard to find the kind of love that i'm looking for.
this video, though, taught me that at least i'm not the only one who is feeling so hopeless and who wants a real romantic relationship, and that gives me hope. i'm sure you'll find your man sooner or later, and i hope i do too. stay safe out there, pal!
the importance of sharing these similar experiences that otherwise we tend to think we only experience it
It’s sad, I’m 17 and idk how I’m gonna make it as an adult with dating. I told my self I’m not approaching a guy but nobody come to me😭 and there’s like no gay men here like wtf
This is a good discussion you got going on here. I remember when I was really naive a few years ago and met my ex on tinder. My gay friend at the time had met the love of his life or whatever on grindr and I wanted that too. I was pretty desperate at the time. I looked at my ex through rose colored glasses and it was just so bad. He put me through a lot (and this april came back to me for sex all over again). Pretty much he was broken from child hood and never healed. Manipulation, emotional unavailable, putting my health in danger, all the good stuff (I wrote two books about my healing process it was some serious shit lol). There are so many men like that on these dating apps and I really do just feel discouraged. I'm getting to the point where I will just delete the dating apps and spend time with my self until I randomly meet someone.
Thank you for sharing this, I would love to know your book titles :))
This is so Heartwarming, all of the gays and theys who came together in the comment section with similar experiences. Maybe y'all can exchange social medias. ~Proud Trans Auntie
You’re so young!! You’ve got plenty of time to just date with the intention of discovering yourself/what you like/don’t like in a man. Date different types of men and otherwise just work on being your best self. And be authentic as possible to your values/beliefs. That way when you’re looking, you can politely but ruthlessly filter out men who aren’t for you.
And only entertain the men who show mutual interest. Any other type of treatment is beneath you. ❤❤❤
This is so sweet!! Thank you for the advice 🥹
you have a warm heart, and you will find the love you deserve.
I would love a wholesome relationship and since I really struggle to find other queer men in my area I don't care anymore where they are located, just please exist ):
i can relate tbh. It seems that as a gay person, there are significant barriers to meeting other gay people. Though, i think it’s the lens of gayness that is inherently eurocentric and heterosexual. That’s why I think I started calling myself ‘queer’, because i don’t think the label of ‘gay’ represents me anymore. Furthermore, it probably has a lot to do with how we were loved as children and how love was portrayed to us. I think that’s why I’ve detached the same way you have. I think that’s why everything we’re all looking for, most of it can be found within. Community is vital for growth, though, but I find that I seek external validation less when I give myself the space to be whatever I want. Idk if this made sense, but hope you can take something away from my word vomit haha. ✨
100% am taking wisdom away from this! thank you so much, this makes me feel better and less alone. I've felt like detaching has been the best thing for me overall, when I'm really synced into the gay community, I get hurt, disappointed, and don't fit the mold. Finding happiness internally has been crazy beneficial, I will always always try to lean on that to stay mentally healthy and overall happy :)
Oh wow this was actually really poignant and eye-opening for me 😄 thx luv
Okay, about approaching someone: I don't quite understand why some of my friends are scared of just go to someone and say "What's up! I think your t-shirt is hilarious! (It's a joke about Schrodinger's cat) Do you like physics?"
I ended high school last year and went to uni in a city where I knew no one. I remember a girl crying in my class saying "How am I supposed to make friends?"
Well, the first thing that I did when I came to that city was coming up to a group of girls with the traditional clothes for uni (idk if it's a thing in other country, people told me it's only here) and say:
"Hi, I adore your clothes! Do I get to use it in the first year? Isn't it too hot with those? Do you have to wear it? Can a girl use the male traditional clothes?"
Of course they found me weird. But they found it really interesting. Last week I got to dinner with them and celebrated a lovely person's birthday.
Dude, I was going home and I saw that the hairdresser next to my house had a snake. So what I did was: I stood by the door and I asked "What's the snake's name?" it was called Dorito "And what's your name?" on which he took the opportunity to say "Thank you for asking the other animal's name" I liked him.
He told me I was nice, he just was defensive at first because of my approach.
I totally get it. Sometimes (which are most of them) you are not in the mood to be bombarded with questions, even if they are interesting and kind.
But one thing I know: if I am kind towards people and show them respect and gratefulness for even the slightest thing (like not being rude, or, if they're rude, for not harming me physically) I know that I have nothing to fear. Almost nothing (I only know I know nothing hahaha).
This I believe, taken in the context of dating, must be a really good trait to have.
I am not looking for a relationship, so I do not face the main problem which you addressed, Matthew, but I thought sharing this would be helpful, or, if not, interesting, or maybe rather weird; but I thought it would be something someone would stop to think about for a moment.
So my philosophy truly aligns with the solution you presented, Matthew, but I do, besides my experience, have something to add. It is not positive. Hum... this is a though based on more of my philosophy than yours, but... when a person is truly kind and noble, what most people do is doubt and actually be scared. There is a quote by one of my favorite authors which goes something like "Society won't fall apart because of too much altruism. We don't need to fear that." Society is not prepared for kindness. Yet. That's the magical key word.
On an ending note, I thought I would just say to you, Matthew: it's the first video I've seen of you and I have to admit how I admire your calm ways of speaking and your way of expressing your queerness. It is interesting that I was thinking about it while the video was playing and then I came to the part where you said you don't seem gay, but certainly fruity. Call it whatever you wanna call, I think your voice shows gentleness and intelligence, such as your body language. Please keep being like that.
Take care, Matthew.
And take care, everyone!
This has brightened my day and made me feel incredibly loved! Thank you so much for your encouragement and kindness, it has impacted me! 🥹
I couldn't agree more. I am a 55 yr old gay black man and I stopped dating YEARS ago because it was so superficial and meaningless. It's all about putting you in a box or a certain category that satisfies someone else's kink, in other words...SEX. It's perverse and unhealthy to base one's entire existence on sexuality. Our community is just empty and devoid of any real and sincere connection. Why can't gay's just be real and vulnerable? I've never been big on dating, honestly, but now I am flat out against it. I finally realized that I needed to be happy and fulfilled on my own so that's what I pursued and I'm glad I did. The only idea I have is for every individual to examine themselves and do the work they need to do to become a whole fully developed authentic human. Only then can you even think about building a fulfilling and meaningful relationship with someone else. That said, it's not just us. I think ALL of American society is broken and I too have considered retiring to another country for a better more fulfilling life. We'll see...
I’m a 52 y.o straight female and you speak truth. ❤
You mean all of western society!
Not going to lie, you make good points that I really need for myself as a single Pringle bi guy of color in my twenties. I tried to date guys for something real, but it ends up being nothing. I’m tired of the hookups and three-day meets, and instead want something real. I was thinking about this same matter yesterday, that I had to talk with my bi community and myself to figure out my dating life mess. When I watched this video, it reminded me of my talks, and made me feel understood that this isn’t a “just me” problem. It’s something more beyond that affecting us. Nevertheless, thank you for sharing for this content, and hope to connect as a social media friend-if you ever want to chat, just message me. Thanks again, and much luv ✊🏾💖💜💙
I’m not gay or even a man but i understand exactly what you’re saying. I hope you find someone that really cares ❤
Thank you 😁💗
Awww, you are cute. I’m so sorry sweetheart! I’m a straight female and follow Asian gay male couples here on YT because they can’t publicly/openly show their love without a lot of discrimination, and there is no anti-discrimination laws in place in those countries (exceptions of course in certain Asian countries). I actually found them because I discovered BLs and started watching those. Now, I’d rather watch real couples instead of the BLs. So many are in long term relationships and are in general very cute, loving, and some show how they are physically affectionate towards each other. I like following them and supporting them, giving them validation that even their families cannot. I mention them because one gay Asian man who lives in the UK has a video that explains the difference between western and Asian gays. In one word he described western gay men …. a lot of them are …. promiscuous. In places like Korea, if you are a promiscuous gay you are called out, called names like dirty by those in their own community. While there is nothing wrong with being promiscuous if that’s how you like it, I can imagine it’s tough for sweet guys like you who want an actual love connection and not just mindless sexual encounters. I’m kind of in a similar boat dealing with straight men. But, I’m no longer attracted to them in that my physical attraction to them is smashed by how turned off I am by them psychologically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Thus, I’m a single at heart gal. Romantic love is something I like to observe, but not participate in because it’s like playing the lottery. The risk is too high. So, I’m happy being single, enjoying my life. ❤
Can you send a link or maybe a title of the video from the gay Asian man who lives in uk that explains the differences. I’m just curious.
This is lovely! Your words have warmed my heart and given me a sense of peace :)
we are with you too on the romantic struggle!
thank you for sharing your wonderful thoughts with me and the others, it fills me with happiness 😁
"Romantic love is something I like to observe, but not participate in because it’s like playing the lottery. The risk is too high. So, I’m happy being single, enjoying my life." Really great sentiment, I don't have much to add
I just came out and literally feel hopeless. This generation is so unserious and lust driven, I just want to believe that real wholesome love still exists
European here. Let that dream die. Gay men are gay men everywhere. It's universal.
It’s so hard… But so nice to see so much people feel the same. Im 21, a mixed raced black and white gay haha. There’s a whole issue with being black and gay for 1 thing… But MEN! Especially people like myself, who might be more feminine, we are looked at as sex objects, i think every type of gays are. I think the key is understanding how MEN are- in general, and trying to tackle that. Not sugar coating the natural instincts of men etc. And then having standards and boundaries to attract the guy you want. There’s loyal ones out there, it seems very little… But they are, stay hopeful and know its coming.
@@hqcarpz1222 love this comment and perspective, the positivity is needed!
Dating as a person of color in this community has been difficult. It’s easy to fall into the trap of equating desirability/acceptance in the dating world to self worth especially, since it is a community around sexuality, and build desperation.
For a time I could not shake the feeling that for the amount of sacrifices necessary to live in a gay body, it’s confusing that family and love (two common universal values) are more difficult to find.
Overtime, I found that learning to pour energy into something that sustains you, other than dating, can be encouraging.
My take is: If gay dating is a heartache, take as long as a break as you need. It’s not worth compromising on your deeply held value, nor is it worth affecting the way you view yourself.
I love this. Incredibly mature and levelheaded. I agree with you, it’s always better to prioritize your mental health and happiness
I think something to consider is the role and importance of procreation in a relationship. Many hetero relationships are centered around this even if not explicitly. The drive to procreate in women is very strong and women select mates to build long term futures. Without these ingredients dating gets very, very difficult. So in gay relationships I’m not sure it will ever be as equal because the biological motivations are different and the hormones that bring about certain behaviors are not there. Wishing you all love and happiness.
Gay community? More like every community 😂 dating is shot with str8 & gays at this point 😅 as a trans identified person trust me it gets even worse, ur not even seen as a human 😂
Gay bars are the same. It’s just grindr in person.
Just getting into them now with clubs and I felt that vibe a bit my first time. This is good to know, need to look out for safety, I appreciate you 🙏🏾
For me in particular as a gay man, there are certain things and interests that I'm looking for, which for my in case in particular, very few people share the same interests as me. I've accepted that, so I don't take it personally. And if it further limits my options, so be it. I'll say that unapologetically. But at the end of the day, I know myself, and I know exactly what I'm looking for. And if I'm more picky than others, that's okay in my opinion.
Some people are far more open and are willing to be down for anything, but here's my issue: people don't understand the fact that just because something works out in the best interest for you or most people, doesn't mean it's in the best interests for everybody else. People want different things, and there's nothing wrong with that. And I feel like people take that a little too personally (and this is coming from a sensitive guy like myself). Nobody thinks or speaks for me, and I can't speak for anyone. So I'm not going to automatically agree to every last thing people say or talk about.
That being said, when you come across certain gays in the community that you may feel like are a little more restricted than most others, SOMETIMES it's for a reason. That person knows exactly what they do and what they don't want. Yes, it can be offensive given the worst case scenarion depending on how that man carries himself. But in all honesty, I'm thinking that some of us gays just don't like the word "preferences."
Everybody is not for everybody. Otherwise, the world would be boring.
Totally agree 👏🏾📢
As someone who recently went to a party with blue glitter stars painted on BOTH my (face) cheeks; don’t let anyone take away your stars!!! But you’re absolutely right, gay dating is the worst. My first and only relationship happened at 20. Pre grindr era. thank God. after 8 years I started my single journey. seeing everyone being open I’m not even sure I want a bf at this point
Duuude i learned a new one recently lol. “Hwp”. It stands for height weight proportional. Aka no fats lolol. People really put this on their about mes
Crazy, but not surprising.
WHAT - that is crazyyyy talk 😭
My response is long winded, but the tldr is having a low pressure lgbt friendly social space, like other commenters have said, is the way to find something naturally.
In my case, I’m a bi furry. While people stay connected online, my activity is less about the online space, and more about in person conventions and, more importantly, local meets.
Since my local scene has multiple activities each month, like dinners, bowling, and park hangouts, we get ample time to express both our love of the fandom and, for the majority of us, our queer identities. This also gives time for deeper connections to grow.
I had met my current boyfriend a few months before hooking up at a convention. Even after getting together like that, we still took our time as friends, and still spent time with each other at other activities, before we really decided to get into a real relationship half a year later. We’ve been together for close to a year now.
While it appears my preferences for approaching sex and relationships are different than yours, having comfortable irl social spaces, even if it’s something unusual or unexpected, is vital to meet someone and have that friendship which can be nurtured into romance.
I hope you’re able to find who or what you’re looking for. 😊
I am thankful to have found my partner, however I couldn’t agree more. Gay dating is the equivalent to a middle school dance. Everyone is just leaning against the walls waiting for someone to make the first move and dance. Someone has to make the first move and that person was always me. Planning the dates. Flirting. Keeping the conversation going. It got to the point where I was asking myself “do any of these grown ass men have social skills?”
Thankfully I found someone who is more of a planner than me! So it all worked out in the end lol
Approaching on the streets is quite dangerous especially if you are not his type. You approaching him could literally ruin their day 😂 .