Jerry's suggestion for saving for the engagement ring was a fantastic solution. That way it still feels like a gift from her future husband while still taking some of the financial burden from his shoulders. 👏
Totally agree! With an engagement ring of course she could help pay but it really should be a gift from the finance that u look at and think “this is a token of our love my SO has given me” rather than something u bought together
I can relate to the first write in.. I left my stable military career after 8 years because I was MISERABLE and I figured it out. I now teach yoga and have never been happier and more fulfilled in my career. DO IT! Take the leap of faith and live your best life friends, it’s too short to be miserable in a job you hate.
To the Pandemic Couple: You’re not screwing him over. He doesn’t even pay his own rent… his grandparents do. And you’re not screwing them over because clearly they’ve been covering him and fixing his mistakes and issues all his life for him. Leave. Your do not EVER deserve to be with someone who disrespects you and talks down to you. You are capable and strong enough to chase a better life without him. You don’t love him. You’re afraid of the unknown without him. Don’t be afraid. Find some friends and get some roommates and chase your happiness because from the very beginning of your story it was clear you are not happy. Do not waste your life being unhappy.
Second Story: I lived at home through college and moved out of state after and frequently visited. My mom made living at home and visiting awful and I came to the realization that it was not a safe place for me to be. When I moved back to my home-town during covid I stayed with a friend, because I knew I would never live with my parents again. It was not worth my mental health. I almost moved into a very expensive apartment before getting married because moving home was not an option for me. If you have tried to work things out with your parents and it is not working out, I think it is best to go. Then at least when you go to visit, you can leave when things get bad and set those clear boundaries, which are vital in that kind of a relationship. The money costs less than your mental health and sense of self.
Story #2. From personal experience, move out! I’ve had a very strange relationship with both of my parents growing up my entire life and it only got more difficult as I got older. I love both of my parents so much but our relationship struggled desperately living together. It’s now been almost a year and a half since I moved in with my boyfriend and his family and my relationship with my parents has greatly improved. Sometimes loving people from a far is the best type of love to give them at the moment.
I finally found this podcast and have been binge-watching/listening to the RUclips videos and the first story is extremely relatable to me. I met my now-husband in college and we were engaged and about to be married when I came across the opportunity to become a tattoo apprentice. I have a college degree and had a well-paying job but I was MISERABLE. I gave him an out, that if he didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone with that dream or wanted to postpone the wedding, that I understand. But he didn’t do that. He said that my happiness is more important than any job I could ever have or any money I would ever make, and he knew that all I’ve ever wanted in life was to be an artist. So we got married and I have been an apprentice for about a year and a half now and we wouldn’t change a thing. It’s been hard financially (and I have a second job in retail to help contribute to bills) but we are happier as a couple because I’m less stressed and actually enjoy my job now. I am a very independent and private person so I did feel guilty for a long time for putting us in a tougher position, but constant reassurance from my husband and just time has helped a lot with that. And the fact that my depression has calmed down and my suicidal thoughts have pretty much stopped is helpful.
I’m three months late, but moving out my house was the only way I could still get on with my mother. She’s not even that abusive, but she would yell all the time and threaten to fight me (even though she never did). Just from the friction of living together. I am so much happier in a place where I don’t have to fear her coming home and ruining my mood. I would say move out. If you can save up a financial cushion, that’s ALWAYS the smartest option, but if you’re a procrastinator and you won’t save, just take the leap and force yourself. Force financial literacy on yourself and just be happier 👍
I was just coming to comment this. I also though need to have a therapist on call, but I’m not required to see her often or regularly as long as I feel okay
For the last story I understand your struggles OP. As someone who suffers from clinical anxiety and depression summer break is hard because you no longer have the structure of school even though school is stressful. However, OP has to be okay with the idea of "being rude" to her father in order to get her point across. I agree with seeing a therapist but that's only part of the solution. Have one more conversation with your dad at a calm time, maybe even during the therapy session, and explain to him your struggles, and REALLY listen to his reasons as to why he keeps talking about it. (Try to be understanding and not defensive). HOWEVER, at the end of the conversation, let him know work is NOT a conversation they'll be having outside of therapy. It's off-limits, meaning if he brings it up the conversation ends. OP will shut him down by saying, "I'm not having this conversation" or if he persists, OP literally walks away, without an additional word. If walking away isn't an option, put in headphones and go about your day. It's disrespectful, I agree but if OP's dad refuses to listen and OP's mental health is suffering then extreme measures are needed. This is not a long-term solution obviously but when OP is in a better mental space they can open that door. I've had a similar struggle with my mom and this has helped. It's still hard but it helps.
With all my issues with my dad, having this podcast in my corner brings me comfort. Having two, sometimes more, people on this platform giving me solutions, and not making me feel alone or even crazy, is so great. Thank you.
I agree with what Jerry said about asking the father for his daughter hand. My now husband when to dinner with my dad the day before he proposed and just knowing that he cared enough to talk with my dad on his own.
To OP with the financially abusive parents : you do not have to accept their money in order to have a nice wedding (Jamie Wolfer makes awesome budget wedding content). Once you accept money from them, they're going to expect to be involved in planning and decision making. Even if you set a boundary from the start, they may be so stuck in their ways that they will demand to have control over the wedding or manipulate it to their wishes (i.e. impersonating you to cancel/book vendors or make changes to your day. Yes this has happened) Unless your parents have really turned things around, I would not accept any more money from them. Hopefully this could also clearly communicate to them that you no longer trust them to have this financial leverage over you. Perhaps you all can find a more comfortable less financial way for them to be involved in the wedding if it is important to them.
i was re-listening to this and i realized that the story about Morgan as a kid not going to school happened to me too !! like seriously what is it with teachers being mean to kids who just wants to go to the bathroom! i remember in my case the teacher would pinch me and everytime i go home i wouldn't want to go to school anymore and was always sad, and thank god my parents pulled me out from that school
i basically picked out how my engagement ring would look, my fiancé picked out the exact stone. i don’t think it’s weird to show him what you would like or to say you’ll help a little extra with bills so he can save for it. because if you’re going to get married, you’re a team. and you talk about everything no matter how “awkward” or non traditional it is.
When it comes to the lease, some places you can go to the office or place you're leasing from and sign a release from lease paper. I had to do the same about three years ago. Always check to see your options.
For this first story, I am in a job I hate. I am miserable. My time off is when my boss tells me I can take time off. I have due with twins in September and I'm finally leaving. My fiance (husband in November) will work for us somewhere and we will be ok. I have to learn to lean on him. I hate doing that but I can't do it anymore. I would not be able to care for my kids with this job.
For the wedding one: I absolutely think the parents are offering money because they want to be involved no matter what. When she says the money will give them no control, I am sure they will lose their minds. There’s no reason for her to not try and tell them this but she should also be prepared for push back. Her parents seem to want all control and if they don’t have it, they don’t want to be involved
As someone who has had their parents and grandparents try to control them with finances, i couldn’t agree more. Yes they want the best for their daughter, but they cant and won’t accept anything except what THEY think is best. Toxic all around
Ring suggestion: Lower the price of the ring! Jebus. If your partner is struggling to afford the ring, lower the price. You can find beautiful rings for $300, and that can be your starter ring. Then you can look at getting a more expensive ring fpr your anniversaries as a way to re-do you promises.
Write in no.1 : listen, I think you should take the government job, since money is an insecurity, take up a side hustle, and at the same time, start budgeting, I reccomend you watch tfd, and listen to their podcast too, they help give you a healthy perspective on finances. Good luck mate😊
I would be so wildly offended if my bf asked my father to marry me. His opinion lost any weight in my life the first time he voted for trump. I hope everyone learns to balance money and happiness in their lives, it’s such a mental battle we’ll have to fight with in every stage of life, if you can keep food in your fridge and a roof over your head, always do what you can to choose happiness.
In regard to the story of the girl who wants to move out: I disagree a bit with justin and jerry. I am the same age as the write in and also just graduated however in the opposite position to OP (I am going right into my masters but taking a year off AFTER to study for law school). Also Canadian LOL. I really think it’s best to try to work things out with ur mom and save the money u are making right now for your future. My mom is super controlling and we used to fight a lot, I used to NEVER think I would be able to live at home and be semi-happy. However, after multiple talks (and some arguments) we have both been able to compromise and work on our attitude and living arrangement to make the house more peaceful and I am treated more like an adult rather than a child who needs to be controlled. Now can say comfortably that although I would be much happier living alone, I can live at home for a year without being miserable and will get along with my parents. It is so expensive to live alone (not just with rent but paying for groceries, wifi, utilities) and life will only get more expensive when u are a student and cannot work as much. If u can work out ur mom issues and live at home to save, I would really recommend that. I think it will make life much easier financially in the long run even if that 14 months will not be the most fun.
I don’t need my partner to ask for my dad’s permission to marry me but I would like him to tell my parents that he plans to propose. I think it’s respectful and I think it would mean a lot to my family to be involved. They love my boyfriend but I am relatively young (23) and have always been hyper independent before dating my bf (27) so until recently, I don’t think they imagined me getting engaged/married anytime soon. We have been dating for over two years and have been through a lot together. He chose to stay in this state for our relationship after grad school, we moved in together, he has supported me through health issues and a career change so I feel ready for the next step and so does he but having him talk to my parents before getting engaged is just a little something extra that would make me feel more secure in my decision.
Engagement story: the way I see it is the man idle asking for the fathers blessing, not permission. Of course given they have a decent relationship with their father figure.
I’m really annoyed with the fact that no one’s recognized that for the last story the father probably is starting to have early Alzheimer’s. My mother in law is one of the most irrational people I’ve ever met, but she wasn’t always like that. She’s very forgetful and takes things personally way too much, and this dad seems like he’s going through the same thing. This isn’t a sit down that you have with dad and say “dad you need to be better” this is “dad something’s up and I wanna make sure you’re ok.”
The ring shit is so misogynistic IMO and if she should not need to take on the burden to get the ring she wants. Either be okay with the ring your partner can afford *for now* or break up with them if they can’t keep up. Sorry. But why should she finance her own ring? I definitely can work for some couples but think long term if you’re going to be okay with pulling most of the financial weight in the relationship. It’s not bad AT ALL. But who knows how long this split of finances will remain the same and you have to ask yourself if you’re truly okay with that in the long run.
also, having to “talking to the dad” works for a lot of cultures and I’m not dogging on that bc that can be cute FOR SOME COUPLES but it can also be extremely misogynistic to others if we truly look at the history of that practice…
Im sorry but do you know what misogynistic means? A relationship is a partnership. If anything its misogynistic of you to assume that she minds being the bread winner of the family and pulling more of the financial weight when there is nothing in her write in alluding to her seeing that as a problem
@@nataliehallen9601 it’s misogynistic in this scenario because she’s clearly putting WAY more effort in the relationship both financially and emotionally. PLUS since we live in society where men run shit, have more rights and usually make more money then I don’t see the benefit of women wanting to be breadwinners. Power to them if they do want to and can but very few men deserve that shit
I wish my mom would’ve married a man like Jerry to be my father. I didn’t grow up with a father figure at all, I really enjoy all your advice Jerry. I’m 25 and if my mom married a good man like you I’d be so happy. 🥹😭
Jerry's suggestion for saving for the engagement ring was a fantastic solution. That way it still feels like a gift from her future husband while still taking some of the financial burden from his shoulders. 👏
Totally agree! With an engagement ring of course she could help pay but it really should be a gift from the finance that u look at and think “this is a token of our love my SO has given me” rather than something u bought together
Agree! I loved this advice
I can relate to the first write in.. I left my stable military career after 8 years because I was MISERABLE and I figured it out. I now teach yoga and have never been happier and more fulfilled in my career. DO IT! Take the leap of faith and live your best life friends, it’s too short to be miserable in a job you hate.
Jerry, I REALLY hope you land a sponsorship someday with someone like Bombas for your sock game.
I love the Justin, dad duo.
To the Pandemic Couple: You’re not screwing him over. He doesn’t even pay his own rent… his grandparents do. And you’re not screwing them over because clearly they’ve been covering him and fixing his mistakes and issues all his life for him. Leave. Your do not EVER deserve to be with someone who disrespects you and talks down to you. You are capable and strong enough to chase a better life without him. You don’t love him. You’re afraid of the unknown without him. Don’t be afraid. Find some friends and get some roommates and chase your happiness because from the very beginning of your story it was clear you are not happy. Do not waste your life being unhappy.
Justin hiding the pineapple cup behind the pillow on the couch 😂
Second Story: I lived at home through college and moved out of state after and frequently visited. My mom made living at home and visiting awful and I came to the realization that it was not a safe place for me to be. When I moved back to my home-town during covid I stayed with a friend, because I knew I would never live with my parents again. It was not worth my mental health. I almost moved into a very expensive apartment before getting married because moving home was not an option for me. If you have tried to work things out with your parents and it is not working out, I think it is best to go. Then at least when you go to visit, you can leave when things get bad and set those clear boundaries, which are vital in that kind of a relationship. The money costs less than your mental health and sense of self.
Story #2. From personal experience, move out! I’ve had a very strange relationship with both of my parents growing up my entire life and it only got more difficult as I got older. I love both of my parents so much but our relationship struggled desperately living together. It’s now been almost a year and a half since I moved in with my boyfriend and his family and my relationship with my parents has greatly improved. Sometimes loving people from a far is the best type of love to give them at the moment.
I finally found this podcast and have been binge-watching/listening to the RUclips videos and the first story is extremely relatable to me. I met my now-husband in college and we were engaged and about to be married when I came across the opportunity to become a tattoo apprentice. I have a college degree and had a well-paying job but I was MISERABLE. I gave him an out, that if he didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone with that dream or wanted to postpone the wedding, that I understand. But he didn’t do that. He said that my happiness is more important than any job I could ever have or any money I would ever make, and he knew that all I’ve ever wanted in life was to be an artist. So we got married and I have been an apprentice for about a year and a half now and we wouldn’t change a thing. It’s been hard financially (and I have a second job in retail to help contribute to bills) but we are happier as a couple because I’m less stressed and actually enjoy my job now.
I am a very independent and private person so I did feel guilty for a long time for putting us in a tougher position, but constant reassurance from my husband and just time has helped a lot with that. And the fact that my depression has calmed down and my suicidal thoughts have pretty much stopped is helpful.
I’m three months late, but moving out my house was the only way I could still get on with my mother. She’s not even that abusive, but she would yell all the time and threaten to fight me (even though she never did). Just from the friction of living together. I am so much happier in a place where I don’t have to fear her coming home and ruining my mood. I would say move out. If you can save up a financial cushion, that’s ALWAYS the smartest option, but if you’re a procrastinator and you won’t save, just take the leap and force yourself. Force financial literacy on yourself and just be happier 👍
I’ve never been 5 minutes after any video , I love what you guys do both podcast provide such a safe place 💛💛 thank you 🥺
From the convo about antidepressants: FYI you can get those meds from your primary care doctor without needing a shrink
I was just coming to comment this. I also though need to have a therapist on call, but I’m not required to see her often or regularly as long as I feel okay
this show is so comforting. Thanks to all of you for being such a huge part of my daily life. THT and this podcast are my favorites
For the last story I understand your struggles OP. As someone who suffers from clinical anxiety and depression summer break is hard because you no longer have the structure of school even though school is stressful. However, OP has to be okay with the idea of "being rude" to her father in order to get her point across. I agree with seeing a therapist but that's only part of the solution. Have one more conversation with your dad at a calm time, maybe even during the therapy session, and explain to him your struggles, and REALLY listen to his reasons as to why he keeps talking about it. (Try to be understanding and not defensive). HOWEVER, at the end of the conversation, let him know work is NOT a conversation they'll be having outside of therapy. It's off-limits, meaning if he brings it up the conversation ends. OP will shut him down by saying, "I'm not having this conversation" or if he persists, OP literally walks away, without an additional word. If walking away isn't an option, put in headphones and go about your day. It's disrespectful, I agree but if OP's dad refuses to listen and OP's mental health is suffering then extreme measures are needed. This is not a long-term solution obviously but when OP is in a better mental space they can open that door. I've had a similar struggle with my mom and this has helped. It's still hard but it helps.
Love when Justin pops off. You know it's a clear opinion when he takes a hot take because he is so emotionally intelligent.
With all my issues with my dad, having this podcast in my corner brings me comfort. Having two, sometimes more, people on this platform giving me solutions, and not making me feel alone or even crazy, is so great. Thank you.
Awesome episode as always. I love to listen to this after a stressful day after work. Thank you guys for all the advice you provide.
I agree with what Jerry said about asking the father for his daughter hand. My now husband when to dinner with my dad the day before he proposed and just knowing that he cared enough to talk with my dad on his own.
Piss on it rule…. Assimilated, thanks for that 💚💚💚
I love the smell of smoke. It always surprises me when I hear people who not only dislike it, but also think it stinks.
To OP with the financially abusive parents : you do not have to accept their money in order to have a nice wedding (Jamie Wolfer makes awesome budget wedding content). Once you accept money from them, they're going to expect to be involved in planning and decision making. Even if you set a boundary from the start, they may be so stuck in their ways that they will demand to have control over the wedding or manipulate it to their wishes (i.e. impersonating you to cancel/book vendors or make changes to your day. Yes this has happened)
Unless your parents have really turned things around, I would not accept any more money from them. Hopefully this could also clearly communicate to them that you no longer trust them to have this financial leverage over you. Perhaps you all can find a more comfortable less financial way for them to be involved in the wedding if it is important to them.
Amazing video as always! Thank you for the awesome content!
i was re-listening to this and i realized that the story about Morgan as a kid not going to school happened to me too !!
like seriously what is it with teachers being mean to kids who just wants to go to the bathroom! i remember in my case the teacher would pinch me and everytime i go home i wouldn't want to go to school anymore and was always sad, and thank god my parents pulled me out from that school
i basically picked out how my engagement ring would look, my fiancé picked out the exact stone. i don’t think it’s weird to show him what you would like or to say you’ll help a little extra with bills so he can save for it. because if you’re going to get married, you’re a team. and you talk about everything no matter how “awkward” or non traditional it is.
When it comes to the lease, some places you can go to the office or place you're leasing from and sign a release from lease paper. I had to do the same about three years ago. Always check to see your options.
For this first story, I am in a job I hate. I am miserable. My time off is when my boss tells me I can take time off. I have due with twins in September and I'm finally leaving. My fiance (husband in November) will work for us somewhere and we will be ok. I have to learn to lean on him. I hate doing that but I can't do it anymore. I would not be able to care for my kids with this job.
For the wedding one: I absolutely think the parents are offering money because they want to be involved no matter what. When she says the money will give them no control, I am sure they will lose their minds. There’s no reason for her to not try and tell them this but she should also be prepared for push back. Her parents seem to want all control and if they don’t have it, they don’t want to be involved
The story with the boyfriend they are questioning: LEAVEEEEEE
As someone who has had their parents and grandparents try to control them with finances, i couldn’t agree more. Yes they want the best for their daughter, but they cant and won’t accept anything except what THEY think is best. Toxic all around
Ring suggestion: Lower the price of the ring! Jebus. If your partner is struggling to afford the ring, lower the price. You can find beautiful rings for $300, and that can be your starter ring. Then you can look at getting a more expensive ring fpr your anniversaries as a way to re-do you promises.
Write in no.1 : listen, I think you should take the government job, since money is an insecurity, take up a side hustle, and at the same time, start budgeting, I reccomend you watch tfd, and listen to their podcast too, they help give you a healthy perspective on finances.
Good luck mate😊
I would be so wildly offended if my bf asked my father to marry me. His opinion lost any weight in my life the first time he voted for trump.
I hope everyone learns to balance money and happiness in their lives, it’s such a mental battle we’ll have to fight with in every stage of life, if you can keep food in your fridge and a roof over your head, always do what you can to choose happiness.
In regard to the story of the girl who wants to move out: I disagree a bit with justin and jerry. I am the same age as the write in and also just graduated however in the opposite position to OP (I am going right into my masters but taking a year off AFTER to study for law school). Also Canadian LOL. I really think it’s best to try to work things out with ur mom and save the money u are making right now for your future. My mom is super controlling and we used to fight a lot, I used to NEVER think I would be able to live at home and be semi-happy. However, after multiple talks (and some arguments) we have both been able to compromise and work on our attitude and living arrangement to make the house more peaceful and I am treated more like an adult rather than a child who needs to be controlled. Now can say comfortably that although I would be much happier living alone, I can live at home for a year without being miserable and will get along with my parents. It is so expensive to live alone (not just with rent but paying for groceries, wifi, utilities) and life will only get more expensive when u are a student and cannot work as much. If u can work out ur mom issues and live at home to save, I would really recommend that. I think it will make life much easier financially in the long run even if that 14 months will not be the most fun.
I don’t need my partner to ask for my dad’s permission to marry me but I would like him to tell my parents that he plans to propose. I think it’s respectful and I think it would mean a lot to my family to be involved. They love my boyfriend but I am relatively young (23) and have always been hyper independent before dating my bf (27) so until recently, I don’t think they imagined me getting engaged/married anytime soon. We have been dating for over two years and have been through a lot together. He chose to stay in this state for our relationship after grad school, we moved in together, he has supported me through health issues and a career change so I feel ready for the next step and so does he but having him talk to my parents before getting engaged is just a little something extra that would make me feel more secure in my decision.
Engagement story: the way I see it is the man idle asking for the fathers blessing, not permission. Of course given they have a decent relationship with their father figure.
I’m really annoyed with the fact that no one’s recognized that for the last story the father probably is starting to have early Alzheimer’s. My mother in law is one of the most irrational people I’ve ever met, but she wasn’t always like that. She’s very forgetful and takes things personally way too much, and this dad seems like he’s going through the same thing. This isn’t a sit down that you have with dad and say “dad you need to be better” this is “dad something’s up and I wanna make sure you’re ok.”
Hey jerry n justin
The ring shit is so misogynistic IMO and if she should not need to take on the burden to get the ring she wants. Either be okay with the ring your partner can afford *for now* or break up with them if they can’t keep up. Sorry. But why should she finance her own ring? I definitely can work for some couples but think long term if you’re going to be okay with pulling most of the financial weight in the relationship. It’s not bad AT ALL. But who knows how long this split of finances will remain the same and you have to ask yourself if you’re truly okay with that in the long run.
also, having to “talking to the dad” works for a lot of cultures and I’m not dogging on that bc that can be cute FOR SOME COUPLES but it can also be extremely misogynistic to others if we truly look at the history of that practice…
Im sorry but do you know what misogynistic means? A relationship is a partnership. If anything its misogynistic of you to assume that she minds being the bread winner of the family and pulling more of the financial weight when there is nothing in her write in alluding to her seeing that as a problem
@@nataliehallen9601 it’s misogynistic in this scenario because she’s clearly putting WAY more effort in the relationship both financially and emotionally. PLUS since we live in society where men run shit, have more rights and usually make more money then I don’t see the benefit of women wanting to be breadwinners. Power to them if they do want to and can but very few men deserve that shit
I wish my mom would’ve married a man like Jerry to be my father. I didn’t grow up with a father figure at all, I really enjoy all your advice Jerry. I’m 25 and if my mom married a good man like you I’d be so happy. 🥹😭