I'm so happy i found this channel. I can totally relate to your story, although the doubts, loss of attraction and repulsion happens a lot quicker and that's usually when my partner tells me she is in love or has feelings for me and then how i feel. I go from feeling really attracted to her, almost to the point that could admit that i'm falling for her, to almost nothing instantly, as if a switched has been flicked off. This is usually within the first 3 - 6 months. After this happens, my feelings fluctuates to one extreme to the other, depending on how much time and space i put between us. The way this looks, is, if i hadn't seen her for a few days, my repulsion goes down and attraction goes up. If we plan to spend the weekend together, when i first see her on the first day she arrives at mine, or if go to hers, i'm like wow, i'm very lucky to have this woman in my life and i treat her like my queen. By the second day, i'm trying to make an excuse to leave early, or i'm getting annoyed or agitated, that she's sticking around, due to the loss of attraction. I also notice that my brain tries to look for and focus on some sort of physical defect that i didn't notice or cared about before, such as a freckle or thinking her eyes are too far apart, etc and then i get the feeling of repulsion come over me. Every time i see her, i can't help focusing on it and thinking 'ewww', like Austin Powers and 'The Mole' and the thing is, i know i'm not even physically perfect myself. I think this is a trick my mind plays, as a fear response, to make an excuse to break up and run. However, when a break up does happen, whether i'm the dumper or dumpee, i'm deeply devastated and it takes me longer to grieve and get over it, as i see it as another failure for being the fucked up person that i am. Had this happen recently 2 months ago and just coming out of the fog now. I got dumped for my hot and cold behaviour and failing to communicate my feelings, which meant to her that i didn't care, but really i was triggered in a freeze fear response. I lost a beautiful woman i cared about. The end of this relationship was the straw that broke the Camels back. I have had enough and i need answers. I recognise there has been a pattern i've been following throughout my dating life. I needed to know why i'm such a failure and why i keep messing things up, which has kickstarted my journey down the rabbit hole looking for answers and here is where i landed today. Watching these videos and reading through these comments have brought tears to my eyes. I now know i'm not alone and this crazy shit i keep repeating has a name. Fearful Avoidant. Which is actually a relief, because i was almost convinced i was a Narcissist after watching some videos on another channel before this one. I couldn't accept that though. I've never been abusive to a partner. Not much of the jealous type either and i have a lot of empathy for my fellow humans that are struggling in this world, just like i am.
I’ve just discovered this channel and it’s crazy cause it just connects all the dots about what has been going on in my life for years. I feel so powerless though. How can we fix it? I feel like I have no energy.
My ex actually was going through this but neither of us had any idea about this until I saw this video. She broke up with me 2 weeks after saying that she loves me and introduced me to her family. She was having non stop panic attacks and was so sick that she couldn’t even leave the bed. Now I understand why. Unfortunately she’s back to her ex who I believed did not even really love her shortly after our breakup. It crushed my soul but I am healing and will move forward. Maybe one day she will realize this and can be truly happy, which is all I want for her.
I’m experiencing this right now:( I like him one day and then the next I want to beak up. But then I’ll love him the next day again. My feelings also switch up when someone else has something to say about him and my relationship. When someone makes a comment on how my boyfriend isn’t good enough for me I’ll lose all feelings and instantly want to break up with him. It’s such a confusing time!! I feel so bad that he has to deal with me like this. I also have such a wall up that I can rarely talk about things with him. To the point that I just shut right down and get angry when he asks me what’s wrong. Your vids are really helping me understand more of myself tho and I thank you so much for that😭♥️♥️
I would be deeply interested in hearing your husband's experience with you as a fearful avoidant, and how he felt heading your experiences just being so fearful. And I say this because I'm the fearful avoidant and I want to understand my partner better. I have definitely had this experience a few times already in 2 years, and I would like to heal this.
Wow, yes. I can relate to these feelings so much. I have felt so guilty about it in the past when I know the other person is trying their best. I appreciate you being so candid!
I'm actually just crying while watching this video... I almost broke up with him one day, it was literally just one sentence away. But I didn't wanted to completely lose him and so I wanted to keep it going. I still want this feeling back we once had. You're the first person wich is not saying "Oh you're not attracted to him anymore? Just break up, the chemistry just isn't enough apperantly" You're actually talking about how I feel and my fears, how my brain works and how confused I am because of this. It just makes me so happy knowing that it's not a downwards spiral but it can turm into an upwards. Thank you for giving me assurance and hope 💚
Im just crying 😭 This video these comments.. it’s like for the first time in my entire life someone understood how i really feel and i have feeling and leaving like this 😭😭😭
I have lived through what you described, she did break up with me and moved on to another. She often said she had never been loved the way I loved her, she didn't deserve it. Then slow faded away. A friend of mine was the first to identify she was scared away... Didn't know anything about attachment styles then. I hope she finds her way to healing, I do believe she's a good person buried by trauma and fear. I'm working to become more secure. I cherish the good memories we made together and the time I got to be with her.
I can't thank you enough, this is what my girlfriend is going through literally right now, and it's just so painful to watch her shut down all her emotions even though we were deeply in love. I will be patient, and your videos just gave me immense strength to keep loving no matter what. True love never fails, and if it fails, it wasn't true love.
@@FreeStyleBoyy thank you for the kind words. Indeed, I've already healed quite a lot thanks to the understanding of attachment styles and other resources that helped me to centralize my happiness within me. For anyone going through a break up or a rough patch with an FA heed my word: step back, assert your self-worth in a polite and gentle manner, and truly - I mean TRULY - stop fearing to lose them. Centralize and isolate your happiness and self-esteem within yourself and STAND YOUR GROUND. Once they realize that you're worth it and that they're the one causing all the chaos, they'll introspect and, if not coming back to you, will be a better person in the future. Peace!
@@FreeStyleBoyy I feel your pain. Trust me when I say I truly appreciate what you're doing for the relationship and respect your struggle. Also trust me when I say that standing your ground and not letting your partner rewrite the history and repaint all the memories as they want is the best way. For you, it will keep your memories clean and allow you to let them go with peace. For them, it will give the contrary opinion they need so much to spark the thought "am I the wrong one here?" If not repairing the relationship, it will keep you sane and hold the other person accountable, which is the best you can do for them. If not with you, they might be happy down the line with someone else. Also, I advise you to learn about No Contact Rule and shift the balance of power to your side by breaking it off before they can. Because once they do it (which was my case), they will lose the chance to learn and be better until it won't work with their next partner or the next partner openly says that the FA is flawed.
I have done this in every single relationship I have been in. I thought I was just an evil person basically, even though I would feel so guilty at the same time for feeling that way about my partner.
You can't control what you feel. That's not your fault. What you need to do is just try to understand what is making you feel that way and figure that out.
I’m 2 years into the best relationship of my life. He is kind, compassionate, hardworking, says all the right things, is so patient with me, and so wise. We had chemistry from the start but after 2 years, I am losing attraction and it is killing me because I love him so much. We have talked about it and he is giving me some space but I am so torn and conflicted. Thank you for this video and making me feel heard.
Why do you just be friends then and let the relationship go? Why torture yourself and him long term when it’s not in you anymore? Isn’t that just wasting everyone time when yall could just find someone you actually want to be with??
ugh this. Thank you for saying this happens more often/intensely in stable, loving relationships. I'm in the most loving, attuned, connected relationship in my life and am currently repulsed and have fallen into a depression hole where I don't want to see her and I don't think I love her anymore. It's so confusing and she's so amazing and I wish I could make it stop. All I know to do is try and take space, be in therapy, not be an asshole, and try to be honest. When will it stop?
I believe doing Nature Therapy (I don't think it's it actual name) will help you go through the repulsive and fear you feel for your partner, it really made a difference for me.
@@eiddar4888 nature therapy, do you mean hikes, walks, stuff like that outside? being in tune with yourself and nature? i would like to try anything to improve my mental state.
@@bellah.7171 Yeah kinda, you listen to very calm music, do the things that inspires you, find smells you like (candles, bath bombs etc), take some time to paint what you feel, and sometimes to do gardening stuff. It feels really good once you make it a habit.
Omg!! I am so glad I found this video. This has been me for 4 years. My husband is as perfect as it gets and I try to run over and over. It’s so confusing. Wanting someone and not wanting them at the same time!
I watched that video couple of months ago and now I came back because I feel repulsion again but it's so strong and confusing because literally a month earlier my relationship was completely anxiety-free and I was just so happy and in love.... What positively surprised me was that you said you had doubts since the beginning and it got worse after a year together - EXACTLY THE SAME HERE. So it's so good to hear that just because I had doubts since the beginning it doesn't mean it all is wrong.... Coming back to the repulsion part - It all started with a decision about moving in together. It scarred me SO MUCH, especially because my previous and very destructive relationship also started by living together so I was afraid to end up in same situation. I've noticed how my fear brain was doing EVERYTHING to make me less attracted to my partner. It started with obsessing over his height (he's 2cm shorter than me) and convinced me that that such a bad thing that I should break up with him xD but because I decided to work on the belief that "men should be taller than women" and therefore stopped thinking its an issue then my fear brain jumped to another thing that maybe he isn't funny enough because sometimes he says jokes that don't land (but completely ignored all the times we laugh together). I've noticed how alerted I was every time he was joking to be prapared for his "unfunny joke" and if that didn't happen I just ignored that but if that happened then I'd exaggerate that. At some point I blamed my anxiety fully in him - "if he was more masculine I wouldn't have issues", "if he would dress up more elegantly I wouldn't have issues", etc. So I also had that crash where I was sooo close to break up with him. We talked and he shocked me by being the calmest person I've ever seen... It put me in a spiral of guilt for all the thoughts because he's too good and I'm too nasty. So now I'm here. Back to watching your videos and being grateful for them. Because I still have a need for external validation (that's why I was obsessing over my partner's height because I already experienced some people looking strange at us) so hearing someone experiencing EXACTLY THE SAME as me is really soothing... Thank you. PS I'll add that my previous relationship had those highs and lows where I had intense feelings of love every time the low ended so being in fully stable relationship made me doubt that I don't love my partner just because I don't feel the same intense emotions towards him.. Its so fucked up
This is exactly what has happened with me and it’s the worst feeling. Thank you Pauline, and thank you everyone, for sharing your feelings and your stories.
I don't know who you are but this comment means so much to me because I am exactly the same, I also obsessed over my boyfriends height, the way he was standing was not masculine enough 😭 and he also shocked me by being such a good man while I throw my doubts in his face and after that felt relief because I was honest with myself and him and realized it was not the doubts but not talking about the doubts that was the need making itself visible, and then felt attracted again, height issue resolved (until the next wave hits) .... You have no idea how comforting to know it is for me to read others like me because everyone around always says it should not be that way but I am literally having amnesia about the good when I flip into that avoidant side and do not respect my boundaries and time alone. So helpful to hear others stories.... just to hear it helps so much...
Thanks for making this. I'm exploring this topic as I've been going through it. It appears that this sudden repulsion syndrome is an evolutionary response to danger - for women, it's triggered by signs of disloyalty and for women it's triggered by signs of weakness. Your man showed strength and stability and I reckon that relieved your fears. That's a wonderful outcome to a super challenging situation.
...that danger isn't from disloyalty or weakness (although, men are told to share their feelings more? Is that weakness?). It comes from problems in childhood and subconcious programming.
Paulien, I truly feel you're an angel that came into my life! I hope you feel the impact of who you are, your vulnerability, and how healing and huge that is for us to connect with and witness, and for the whole world. Its unbelievable and alienating how little these things are talked about, and as you said, how much shame we can feel over something that's not uncommon.. so thank you. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I wish we could've been friends together through all the times we suffered and felt alone!💕☺ Did you ever feel repulsion at the same time of feeling the "cling", like you wanted the relationship? For me, I'm dealing with being an FA too, of course, as well as ROCD, sexual orientation OCD, AND I'm queer. I've basically been in such a constant state of unattraction/repulsion that I haven't hardly been capable of being around this amazing man for the last 2 years. At best, I feel unattracted and apathetic about it. I hear many people feeling genuinely attracted at times throughout these experiences, so it makes me feel that my situation is different, that attraction IS gone forever. Again Paulien, you are absolutely incredible, your vulnerability is so beautiful and is SUCH a gift, and THANK YOU for all you give to us. May the shame and fear be washed away with compassion and love!💕 Xx
Ah so happy you are here Nicole. Unattracted and apathetic sounds veerry familiar. It could be that this man is super steady and steadfast, which doesn't allow you to fall in the familiar dynamic of highs and lows and push and pull, which can cause the numbing feeling. It is up to you to find that source of love within and feel it. It could be that you confused the adrenaline rushes of highs and lows with love, and now is the time to start feeling in into true, warm, rich love and allowing that in your body. A lot of times, that doesn't feel safe to feel for FA's. Hence, the numbed out feeling :)
This video was so validating. I have def felt repulsed/disgusted/turned off by guys that were too “intentional” and interested. Sometimes I would feel bored or I’d nitpick every little thing they did. I’m so glad I’m beginning to learn this about myself. Thank you for sharing your experience. Truly helps!❤
This has helped me so much this morning, I don't think it ever feels good to believe you are in a boat alone. I didn't feel like this in relationships before, but I lost my wife tragically 9 years ago, and now I feel very hot and cold and it's so hard to be completely vulnerable with my new partner. If you have done more work on this, I would like to know about it. Thank you
Thank you very much for sharing so openhearted your experiences. I am a man who does recognize the phenomenon in myself when I was engaged with the woman I am now married with for almost thirty four years now. Even at our marriage day the phenomenon occurred. And before and after that day another few times. Later on it disappeared, also because we could talk and pray about it together and my wife is a very calm and accepting person. Recently I have learned a lot about panic. And so many years later now, I recognize the phenomenon as a form of panic. I think it was a panic about me maybe not really loving her. Panic makes your mind produce unreliable thoughts and feelings based on those untrue thoughts, I learned. So, thanks again for sharing your story, Paulien! Kind regards. Bram
I’ve experienced this with all the people I dated and engaged. I have terminated relationships because of this just because I felt so anxious and exhausted that it felt that that was the only way to feel any sort or relieve. Now I know it gets activated when I feel people pressure me to do stuff I might not want or feels too much. I also noticed that this gets triggered when I am under so much stress, when I lost my routines for any given circumstances, and when I feel that people are taking advantage of me (even thought they are not, but just the feeling) is weird and is costing me my life and my family. I need help
Thanks! I really needed this. I've never had a successful relationship. Recently, my love moved in with me. We are facing a lot of external obstacles, and I think we are both feeling this way right now. I have not been sure who to talk to about it. This has made me feel better. ❤
I don’t know if all the comments above are bots or actual real people. I can’t imagine saying these hurtful words to people in person. Thank you for the video. I found it really helpful to hear someone’s experience with the subject of repulsion. It’s hard to find content in this area and I found your testimony to be be helpful
I lost three amazing relationships to this plague, never being able to explain the feeling to myself or the unlucky guy other than 'suddenly the magic was gone, what could I do'. Every time I wanted them back several years later (because recovering and finding a new great relationship, i.e. mutual love, always took ages for me and I began regretting my unreasonable behaviour sooner or later). All three never wanted to have anything to do with me again. Today I'm in the wake of a failed reconciliation attempt with the last one of them, feeling hopeless and hapless as ever, feeling that I'll never find anyone as good and magical. But at least now I know what was haunting me all my life, and knowing the reason inspires both bad and good feelings. So many years were lost, I've been so stupid. How could my parents give me such a thing :(
this is my first relationship with a partner that gives me unconditional love, is understanding, communicates with me, is a healthy person overall and it has been amazing these past 9 months. i have had doubts here and there but it was nothing i couldn't handle. we also saw each other every day/almost every day for that period of time and have recently become like you said a weekend relationship(LDR) and i think it took a major toll on me. i struggle with a lot of unhealed childhood daddy/mommy issues and abandonment issues so talking with my therapist i suspect i felt abandoned by him once he had to leave for school and we see each other every other week. it's funny because my last relationship that was about 6 months long i was so naive and a couple years younger i thought "oh he is the one, he is my soulmate and the one for me" i was so blinded by my need for companionship i ignored his red flags and i was incredibly insecure always being jealous and starting fights. this current relationship i feel i healed more to be comfortable with him, i never had this overwhelming feel that "he is the one forever" which scared me because i thought that is what you are supposed to feel in a relationship but your story about your relationship and your roomates confirmed my belief it's not that black and white. i feel genuinely comfortable with my partner and i can tell him anything, he can to me as well, and we are here for each other. the doubts have just gotten so bad recently i feel like it will never go away no matter how hard i try. i get doubts about my attraction to him, how long we will last, etc. i also never got super jealous with him about other people and i used to think that is because i have healed and i know he loves me but again, recently the doubts say it's because i don't truly love him and he can be with anyone. the brain is such a mysterious frustrating tricky place, i'll be crying my eyes out one minute i don't want to break up and ever leave him then the next i get this pit in my stomach it's not meant to be and he's just a person in my path to move past from. i want to heal myself and heal with him and he has told me he is 100% committed to working with me and do whatever it takes which i think scares me as well, having someone who WANTS to listen who WANTS to help me and not just give up(like my ex-partner who gave up)
Thanks so much. This is SOOO very, very helpful! Although I’m coming to understand how I as a fearful avoidant can feel on-again, off-again for my partner, it was important to hear you say this so strongly. That has impact. Dealing with repulsion seemed like a whole other ball-game, especially with the body reactions like it wanted to spit her out. I found I would start ruminating on ways our relationship didn’t work, in order to match what I was feeling in my body. Stewing on resentments made for a bitter soup, but it also lead to further self-shaming and self-hatred. More often than not, it also lead to me feeling irreperably broken. It is soothing at a deep level to hear you share this and resonate internally. Thank you!
Does this ever happen at the beginning of a relationship? I felt this overwhelm and nausea (had to lay down for half the day) when I met my current partner for the first time. I felt like I was dying, but there was no real reason, we just had a nice talk at the park.
i just watched this really corny hallmark movie called "boyfriends of christmas past" and it's terrifying just how many people have FA... the main character's mother left her at christmas and in adulthood, her trauma would creep up during the holidays with romantic partners and thereby becoming what she feared. the movie doesn't go into any attachment theory, trauma explanation (as far as we know, she's not seeing a therapist), etc but it's clear as day that she always emotionally regulated in isolation, desired intimacy but was terrified of it, and in the end she married her best friend because he was always there lol (and yes, she had massive push-pull with him). thanks for what you do! cuz i notice so many movies about FA now (good will hunting, can you ever forgive me, ammonite, etc) that show a central theme of how the FA loop is destroying the connections they crave but secure attachment is ever possible :)
Oh yes, the FA attachment style is very well represented in mainstream media and movies :) It is very interesting to observe once you start recognising it! And also, pretty sad that we have such unhealthy examples of what love and relationships looks like, right?
I am so glad that i found this .. going through this with my boyfriend and it really sucks, i feel so much better now that i have an understanding of what's going on..
Everything you said is exactly how I feel right now. We’re a little over a year in a relationship and have lived together about 10 months. I’m so disgusted by him and feel the need to break up every day, then I fall asleep on his chest every night. It’s so confusing. My feelings are off and on night and day. I feel the need to change all of these things about him.
I’ve only been absolutely repulsed once. After I broke it off with the person, he proceeded to call me names and put me down. Sometimes these feelings are legitimate and are keeping you from someone not good for you.
Absolutely, and that's the explanation we usually hear and are very aware of I think. I'm just saying that there is a possibility that it can be something else too. But good point, not sure if I addressed it enough in this video then.
Your channel helps me so much. I’m with who I believe will be my husband and I go through these cycles and I feel so tortured inside. I love him so much and I feel so guilty when I get into this state. Your videos are such a comfort.
4:10... so much very, very bad relationship advice... if you want to always feel sparkly and on an emotional high, what you actually want is to walk around like some sort of drug addict. Not a normal human being. You can't always be all-intense without wearing yourself out. And others do not exist to provide you with continual highs.
I have definitely felt this, in long term relationships, with crushes I've had, and th person I've been on 5 dates with now. It's really hard for me to feel confident telling the difference between my own FA mind and genuine incompatibility. I don't want to waste my time though by waiting to find out.
Give it a month or two, ride it out and pretend all is ok. We are not our thoughts. If you genuinely like the person and you know repulsion is your default, give it some time to feel safe and secure and then you’ll be able to judge better.
Thank you sooo much🙏🙏🙏I am exactly there, I have the most amazing man ever, stable, loving, committed. But I’m up and down, worried about my repulse feeling that visits all the time
Hi I was experiencing all this but I was trying to reach to people who do understand more on this issue because I am a married woman and I just woke up one day feeling the Same way on and off emotions because I felt so lonely, then all this negative thoughts keep on coming up.Thank you so much for this teachings
I unfortunately totally relate to your story… the wanting to break things off in the evening and then wanting them 12 hours later is maddening. Responsible for trauma bonding in my past relationships. 😞 Your guy must be very secure…. He was the rock during your unstable moments.
I told my ex when she feels replusive, bored with me, or starting to resent the relationship... Tell me and leave me....She did. I would hate for a woman to stay with me out of fear or pity.
Nooo, you missed the point of what she is saying. It’s not personal, it’s probably because she dosent know how to put boundaries with you and because she is not okay with some parts of herself. Because she is not at peace with some parts of herself, she pushes you away because she doesn’t want you to see it
I connect and relate to this soo much I’m so grateful I found your channel I’ve felt so confused for so long and you are the first person I’ve found that is bringing so much light to my feelings and the confusion within I love you thank you Paulien for being vulnerable and sharing with us 💜🙏
Is it normal as an FA to feel like you want to break up? That you will be more free, more able to experience other people? Because this has been happening to me in every, every single one of my romantic relationships, i shut off all the feelings i had towards them and i get attached to someone else. It makes me feel horrible, like I've never even loved that person to begin with. I think it may be ROCD and FA attachment style combined and Im very worried because its happening rn to my relationship of 3 years with the loveliest man. I dont even want sex, Im repulsed by him and when he wants my comfort. But I get this dread about ending the relationship. Like, I feel like I want to exit it because dealing with this is so painful and I keep fantasizing about a crush, however I never want to cheat on him, It's just so tempting to say fuck it and go fall in love again. Im at my wits end. These videos have been bringing me somesort of comfort but I feel so scared that I'll end up breaking up with him, because I cant feel anything sometimes.
@@k4ir0s Hi :) We're still together and working on my FA tendencies and past traumas have definitely helped. I have BPD which also contributes to me being very difficult but talking very openly and being accountable has also aided me.
A lot of times I felt repulsed by my partner when he came too close. But I never thought it being because of my maybe- attachment style. See, I've been raped when I was 15 and my parents also never taught me physical touch might be a sign of love. They were both very distant. So concerning my history I could easily handle feelings of repulsion and not see it as a sign my relationship was bad - it rather was something I had to work on myself. The point where it fueled my anxiety was rather that my partner is a very touchy person. And I started questioning if we're compatible then if I cannot handle physical touch but he needs to express his love through it. We talked about it and now, one year later, I am comfortable with him touching me and I discovered myself being a very physical touch person. I loove to hug and feel him close to me. Doesn't mean that I sometimes still need my personal space and he needs to back up a bit (how do I deal with the feeling of guilt after pushing him away, tho). I also experienced emotional repulsion towards him. Also veery confusing shit, bc I would catch myself being really kind of disgusted by him and then one second later I would adore him again and this could go on for the rest of the evening. I think sometimes I need to feel annoyed by him because then, when I find out, that I still like him a lot, it gives me reassurance, that I love him. My problem is really that now, when the butterfly phase wears off, I have to deal with the feelings of normalty and routine and this creeps me out A LOT. It really feels like stagnation for me, like I'm being caught in that place and will never get out of it and I know I love him but oh god I love him, that means, I'm stuck with him for the rest of my life. And I still experience emotional and physical attraction to others and then the urge kicks in, that I have to explore THEM bc maybe they can give me the happiness of my life and the feeling of adventure and risk and adrenaline I need. Maybe they will be a better match for me and maybe it won't be so so so... Dry? Kind of need to explore those unpleasant feelings more bc deep down I know that the myth of the perfect partner isn't real and also, I love my current partner, so why would I have the need to explore more options, and so the cycle goes on and I go down slowwly
My story is exactly the same. I want to know. Is he someone that you find overly physically attractive ? Or is he mediocre? Or just someone you wouldn’t typically consider physically?
I know this video is 2+ years old now but WOW I really needed to see/hear this. I've been feeling so unattracted to my partner the last year or so and haven't been able to understand why even though she is so loving and wonderful to me. This has helped me to understand that it's just my attachment style and I need to learn how to heal from it. I thought I was just depressed but it seems that this attachment style is also a big contributing factor. I've been with my partner for almost 7 years now and do not want to break up. Time to binge more of your videos now so I can better understand myself
Thanks so much for sharing this. I'm going through this and it's hell... I don't think it's avoidant attachment, I think it's disorganized attachment (at least for me): going from anxious to avoidant all the time, sometimes in the "I'll die if you leave me" state and sometimes in the "I'll lose myself if I stay with you"... Both versions of not feeling secure nor complete within myself. Your story gives me hope ♥
Wow I can relate with you so much, I have always ended up all my relationships till now, just after initial conversations its a paradox and people do not understand, they rather become very resentful and bitter... and say like " you are just so confused person". Its such a paradox that you really really like them but you run 10 miles away as soon as they reach out to you. And being a woman, if the guy is a gent he really feels hurt because to make a woman feel safe is something he really want to do.
I have felt that way with my husband. Been married to him for 27 years. The spark is not there like it used to be.. I don't feel I love him. He has gain some weight. I see him a different person. I really want to leave. I haven't. I want to fix my marriage. We have a beautiful family together. I love the way you spoke of your experience. That made sense to what I'm feeling. I see good,caring,& love that he has for me. He listens & he's here for me. He sees me with so much love. I want to Thank you. For opening my eyes in seeing the best is right here with me. Thank ones again.God bless!!🙏💛😊
I definitely experienced the attraction and repulsion From the start of my relationship. Your channel is helping heal sooooo much! I am less triggered and am getting better at being vulnerable and seen by my partner! Thank you for sharing your story and for all this info on FA. It’s like I’ve been looking for this exactly ❤
I can’t thank you enough for this video it’s really resonated and helped me understand why that sensation and feeling comes about your videos seem to resonate with me very well and help me understand a lot of why I feel the way I feel at different times please keep making these videos on this👏🏻
Thank you so much for this video, atleast knowing atleast another person in this planet has felt the same as me, makes me feel so validated and relieved.
Hey, I really needed to hear something like this. So I met a girl I was attracted to, that was sweet and considerate and funny (she is probably secure leaning anxious) and we had great chemistry, but as we continued to hang out I started to feel almost obligated to do certain things, and everything felt out of place. Like, every second I spent at her house or close to her or talking to her I felt this uneasiness. I couldnt sleep at all when I spent the night with her, etc, and when I returned home the next day it felt like I could finally breathe. By the time I knew that it was not her fault, it was something with me (I had already noticed my addiction towards unavailable people) and it wasnt just the repulsion I was feeling, also the guilt for feeling like this and spoiling something that was good for me and the guilt for acting like everything was okay. Eventually we went on a weekend trip to another city, and it was almost unbearable as hours passed. By saturday night I was sure that I was not in love anymore and had never been, that I didn't want to be near her at all. The worst was forcing myself to have sex with her. Eventually, after that I started to distance myself more and more, because every time I was with her I had a bad time internally and I preferred to do nearly anything else. This was last summer, and now we ended things romantically but we still see each other, every time feeling guilty for pushing her aside like that. So thanks for talking about this because it's nearly the thing I've felt the most ashamed of in my entire life. So in march I had a completely different experience. There was this guy (definetely dismissive avoidant, because that's the only pattern I've really felt things for) that I had been 'in love with' for literally years, it was a really strong crush. So he's not really an open or comunicative person so it was almost like a miracle (mostly made out of alcohol) when we finally confessed each other our love. Soon after we were together, and my world turned around. He was all I could think about, I was constantly thirsty for him, he was on my mind, I wanted to know everything about him. Basically I experienced the strongest limerence of my entire life (that I still carry). The first weeks were absolutely life changing, I had never been in such a bliss. Then, he started to act distant, to want to hang less and less, and I gave him all the space of the world. Sex started to decay as well as physical contact, and depth of conversation. When I brought it up he didn't want to make eye contact and kept saying things that didn't add up. So after a lot of suffering on my part and having to deal with his inconsistency I finally realized that he was experiencing that same repulsion I experienced with the girl, with me. It hurt me so much (along with his incapability to talk things through or give me any kind of reassurance or care about my feelings) that eventually I broke up with him, right when he had been out of town for a month practically ghosting me and announced me that he would be gone til september. I still have to deal with this almost compulsive habit to think about him, to still hope, etc. Things are getting better, now I don't miss him that much but it returns sometimes. So all i wanted to know is, did you also felt drawn towards unavailable people? And if so, could you make a video about it? If you feel like it of course, I really appreciate all of your content and really feel glad for knowing that there's at least one person in the world able to understand what I've been through. I'm glad that you healed. :')
im in the same boat. had a guy who liked me and i barely gave him anything. when he started to distance, i wanted him so badly. i have a new guy who wants me and im so scared ill mess it up because of my own mind. these videos are helping me recognize my patterns and behaviors. we will get through this
if i even sense an impending "relationship" all of a sudden i feel sick to my stomach then a wave of lethargy takes over, an overwhelming urge to sleep. The body does it, i try to resist but no.
Thank you for making this video!! I used to be like your friend thinking if you ever have doubts then its not the right relationship, but life experience has shown me thats not actually true. I love hearing from happily married couples about the ups and downs they experience and how to navigate them!
I have been experiencing this for years and I just broke up with another guy because of this .. I just wanna say thank you for sharing this . For letting me know that I'm not alone struggling with this. Thanks again u are great ♥️
Wow....I came to this video bc i am struggling hardcore with this topic in my current relationship. You mentioning the Fearful Avoidant attachment style peaked my interest, so I took the quiz and it turns out..... that is my attachment style LMAO thank you for helping my life!!!!! as im listening to you tears are coming to my eyes and im almost shocked, bc you are describing the exact loop my mind has been stuck in for years..... like as if you are reading my mind hahaha :'))))) for the first time in my life i feel that i will solve this mystery and confusion inside of myself that i have lived with for so long
I had a very similar experience! I dated another FA on a weekend visits dynamic like you. The relationship was very fulfilling, stable and happy. On 6 months mark, I went to visit him and he was weird but didn't say anything. He was shut down the whe week after. The next weekend he didn't want to come to visit me. So I facetimed him and asked what was going on. He started crying and said "I HAVE to break up with you", the same words you used. However I wasn't as wise as your husband and I freaked out, it triggered my avoidant side and I then shut down completely with the rejection. We never spoke again. I wasn't aware of attachment styles back then. Maybe it could've worked if I didn't freak out.
I totally understand you thinking that, but you did what you could with what you had back then. There is always more love in your future, for you AND him!
I have been trying to make relationships work but I would only ever try if I had to fight for them. I spent the last couple of months reading books of and listening to relationship coaches to at least have an idea about what I have to do. But then I realized that I was falling into the same pattern time and time again, and I always chose the person who was unavailable in a way (even though they hadn't been that in the beginning) and I had to fight for attention and affection because I wanted to prove so much how worthy I was. I have this knack for finding the avoidants and they make me feel safe probably because I know that I can expect from them the same kind of attachment that I have always known. On the other hand, whenever somebody came and expressed their desire to be with me early on, were nice to me and consistent in their investment, I felt this repulsion. This exact same feeling. Like no way, this is something new that I don't know, I am not safe, I hate this person for expecting me to be in a situation like this. I just told a guy who was like this, today that I don't want to see him again because I don't feel as excited about being with him as I think I should (we had 2 dates). And I felt an enormous relief but a pang in my heart at the same time because this has happened before. I was 17 when I met this nice, sensitive guy and we rode our bikes home at dawn because we have been talking all night. He wanted to see me again and then I felt the same repulsion. He added me on Facebook and I never texted him back because I felt this consuming anxiety about the whole thing and I wanted him to disappear. Then when I was 21 I did the same thing with a guy, but then I just ghosted him because I was disgusted by him (he wasn't very nice actually so that was a good decision but I didn't do it because of his bad personality but because of what I felt). So "love" for me was always something unreachable. I am now healed enough in my own self-worth and self-esteem to know that I do deserve the right kind of love and I am worthy of it. I can even date, I am 26 now and before I would only meet boys if they bumped into me somehow. I never approached anybody. And now I can, and I am so proud of that! But I can now see that I stand in my own way of developing the loving and steady relationship that I want. So I just discovered that I am fearful avoidant today. Every word and description fits me perfectly. And there is such a power in knowing that although I sabotage myself in and out of relationships, there is a way out and it's not just the simple explanation that I am unlucky in love or unlovable. I now know that wanting somebody I can't have and not wanting someone who wants me is actually fearful avoidant attachment style. Thank you for your help Paulien! You really helped me move towards positive change!
I had a day alone in my house. In the morning I was genuinely looking forwards to seeing my partner in the evening. By the time the evening came I broke off the whole relationship. I don't think that is normal :S Seems a bit FA
I was dating an FA and exact same thing happened. I was calm at first but don't know how i ended up acting needy. But i have given her space. Its after the breakup that i understood she was an FA, i wish i had known early. I still miss her though.
The exact same situation of your roommate happened with me, a friend of mine told me that if I wasn’t always attracted to him and I wasn’t sure all the time that means that I don’t love him and that i should leave him and it sent me into a spiral and i just cried my eyes out ,and then two months later she told me about how she now feels the same way about her own boyfriend
Oh yes, that's why it's so vulnerable to give your power away like that by believing everybody knows better than you! Most people don't really know what they're doing :) And that's ok! We don't have to know
my entire perception of my girlfriends physical appearance changed and its utterly baffling to me. I've been overwhelmed with a tremendous amount of negative emotions, namely sadness, fear, and anger because this was the most beautiful person I've ever met
I have this massively and it is a torture. It has held me back from forming relationships for couple of decades now and I want to heal it now! Enough is enough!
Thank you so much for this video 🙏🏼 This helped me really understand myself and parts of me that I didn’t even know I had !! Thank you thank you thank you! Now I know what I must work on.
This is making it challenging to know if I should even start a current relationship. We've had sweet moments that make me think we could have something good, then everything switches so quickly.
This repulsion has ended pretty much every relationship I've ever had. I used to think it just ment they weren't my person. Now I know it because they started getting close and I'm terrified of being seen. The pain of knowing I threw away perfectly good relationships is unbearable.
What it would be if he was the reason you lose your feelings? What if he did something that you can't forgive ,and you heal yourself ,now you don't want to be with him anymore.
I experienced this in every one of my relationships. One day they do something "wrong" and in my mind it is simply over. I sometimes stayed and it got better but this cycle happened over and over again. I started to think that it is the normal way that relationships work... But no, I now understand that it is my brain not being ok and that I need to heal
Wow thank you so much for being so honest. Yes I am also currently going through a similar situation. I am in a same-sex relationship with a wonderful woman. Looks wise she's not somebody I would normally go for however she is very stable and secure. I find myself feeling like Im unsure if I want to be with her and I feel that we just won't work out. However then I think she has lots to offer and we just could or do make a really good couple. I get scared of the thoughts of ending things with her 😢
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I have experienced this in every single relationship I’ve ever been in. As you said, it is incredibly confusing. I not only struggle connecting in relationships, but also friendships. I’m wondering if you would be willing to share any of your experiences with sex as a FA. The walls I have around sex feel so thick. The topic is constantly in the back of my mind and any time I even get close to having sex I freeze and instantly leave my body. I appreciate you so much for putting out so much helpful content for those like me who are deeply struggling and I respect your genuineness and sincerity 🙏✨💛
Hi. This may come off as super personal question from a complete online stranger, may I ask if you freeze only with partners with whom you could consider a serious partner, or also with FWBs/casual encounters/other avoidants?
@@agadgetgeek haha well I commend you for being brave enough to ask. Honestly I’ve always struggled with sexual blocks & i haven’t had many FWB’s / hookup buddies. Reflecting on the past I can see I had a pattern of choosing avoidant men (mostly boys) & I may have had a slightly easier time being intimate & sexual with them bc I could sense their lack of attachment to me. That had the potential to start a vicious cycle tho- bc my anxious side would kick up in response to their avoidance & then in the case the person actually did start to like me- I would become avoidant and typically once that happened- I no longer had any desire to have sex with them.
I have done this to my boyfriend a number of times. We’ve been together almost 2 years. I’m very much in love with him. My fear brain finds fault with him a lot and makes me fantasize about breaking up. In reality, I do not want to break up with him as it will hurt me very much 😢
I found out today about my attachment style and I am so grateful for this video. I have tried to ask for help, telling my story on so many subreddits in a different way everytime to be sure no one would tell me I have to break up, googled so many things, talked to so many friends and to my therapist about this recurring problem of mine but I never got the help I needed. I have felt so guilty this whole time... I am going to watch the rest of your work now, thank you for being such a relatable person.
I'm confused. I had a wonderful, funny and safe boyfriend. I loved him, but I felt that repulsion. We didn't have sex anymore because of it. How do you know it's that attachment style or just wrong partner?
I’ve been with my partner for about five years . We have really tested how me love each other and the work we are willing to put in. When we first meet I was head over heels in love with him like obsessed. Fast forward and the roles are reserved I am his queen and he was my king for some point but things changes our relationship was really toxic for a spell and I flirted with the idea of ending things and pursing others. Now we are focused on staying committed and health together but now I some days really love him and others I can’t stand to be around him. I hate my self for this!! I want to change and I want to be madly in love with him like when we first met but idk what to do.
This was so good and comforting to watch, I still have a question tho; I did experience these moments with my ex fiancé but also used to get multiple break up urges when I got annoyed and I would insist on that, he would try to talk to me but I’d refuse and the nicer he was the more stubborn I got,but just a couple of hours or a day later I’d feel this immense amount of love towards him and just want him back and we’d make up, I’d really appreciate your thoughts on this pattern 😢
I have been in a loving relationship since 2 years with the most calm and green flag man ever, we were best friends before dating. I started liking him because he made me happier than anyone else i liked his hair a lot and i never really paid attention to his looks. Later on in the relationship i never cared about his looks but now suddenly i dont care about how happy he makes me and all i can focus on is his looks and thats making me lose attraction for him. I told him, he was broken but hes giving us time. I have the exact same symptoms, nausea and panic attacks.. im stuck.. i dont know what to do, did i never even love him romantically but never noticed because the initial stage had too much of dopamine?
Sounds normal to me. You do love him. Just not happy with his hair apparently, and that's okay. But it sounds like you explained it so badly you actually broke him. Look we're all going to get old and probably unattractive. Your hyper fixation on this is tearing you apart. If he's really that good of a guy... well I would say make it work. But only if you are ready to put in the work and compromise with him. My 2 cents.
Hi, I have nave same thing with looks of my partner right now I dont find him attractive all the time, but sometimes he is so beautiful to me Did you experience same?
Feeling repulsion myself right now. I can't bear sleeping in the same bed as my partner as it scares me. I know too that that leads to him feeling rejected & so the dynamic is toxic. I'm not sure what to do with it at this point. He is mostly kind & caring.
But like, how long do you wait until you have to admit that being repulsed by a partner is not fair on them? I’ve been unsure and uncomfortable with my otherwise great partner from the beginning but it’s becoming unbearable now. How do you know it’s your attachment style and not just a lack of attraction in general?
Well I was like this for years but I kept pushing to stop those feelings and now I’ve been dating the same guy for almost two years. Would have been a huge mistake if I would’ve caved and gave up
@@struggle9394 I couldn’t go on and to be honest I don’t regret ending it at all. I’m a very independent person who enjoys dating other independent and driven people, hence why someone who gives and demands attention 24/7 is just simply not compatible with me
@@kaylabennett3149 hmm it’s not that he was a bad looking guy but he didn’t have the charisma and cheeky vibe that I’m usually attracted to! Not at all my type personality wise
Hello. My partner was experiencing the same things and unfortunately, I did not realize it was due to his attachment style at that time. We have broken up and in limited contact as I am giving him space. Our relationship has been nothing but filled with love and kindness. I did made some cardinal mistakes of being overly nice. I'm now working on that. Have you got any tips on repairing a relationship and possibly bringing back an avoidant to the relationship?
I have experienced this and unfortunately as he had low self esteem it destroyed our relationship and we got divorced, having a partner who understands and can communicate openly and without judgement would be ideal
I recommend to anyone facing issues like this with their partner consider also the possibility that they may have ROCD or relationship OCD. Just to check because it really needs extra support!
I can’t thank you enough for your content. I’ve watched so many videos today and just cried and cried. I’ve never related more to someone’s stories and examples. Thank you ❤
What if it‘s the other way round? The boy I was dating wasn‘t ready to commit yet. But I was, so I think that I’m not afraid to let him to get too close to me. But after a couple monts of dating (and him still not beeing ready to commit which means he can‘t give me the love and attention I need) I lost attraction. I was sure that I can give him the time he needs and wait for him because I didn’t want to lose him. But now my attraction is gone and today I „broke up“ with him even though I still want him so bad. He even told me he wants a relationship with me if I give him the time that he needs but my attraction is already gone but I think I still love him.
Oh my god I put SO MUCH stock into what my friends and family say! If they say anything at all, I have doubts and think I’m making a mistake. It’s horrible!
How do you even find a good partner as fearful avoidant? Right now I feel repulsed but everyone…or attracted strongly to other insecurely attached men who are totally wrong for me. I’ve been single most of my 30s…I know the repulsion well too….I want a good relationship but I feel so little interest in anyone who would make a potentially stable partner. ☹️
Did your husband by chance have a former history of FA etc or trauma that helped him be so understanding? I think all souls meet for a reason. I believe I was FA long ago and after final trauma of divorce and 6 years introspection am now secure. I know someone who I believe is FA and would like them to know I understand what they are going through. Any suggestions how to broach this assumption of they are unaware of the attachment style…. Thank you. Fantastic video and honesty! Cheers
I'm so happy i found this channel. I can totally relate to your story, although the doubts, loss of attraction and repulsion happens a lot quicker and that's usually when my partner tells me she is in love or has feelings for me and then how i feel. I go from feeling really attracted to her, almost to the point that could admit that i'm falling for her, to almost nothing instantly, as if a switched has been flicked off. This is usually within the first 3 - 6 months.
After this happens, my feelings fluctuates to one extreme to the other, depending on how much time and space i put between us. The way this looks, is, if i hadn't seen her for a few days, my repulsion goes down and attraction goes up. If we plan to spend the weekend together, when i first see her on the first day she arrives at mine, or if go to hers, i'm like wow, i'm very lucky to have this woman in my life and i treat her like my queen. By the second day, i'm trying to make an excuse to leave early, or i'm getting annoyed or agitated, that she's sticking around, due to the loss of attraction. I also notice that my brain tries to look for and focus on some sort of physical defect that i didn't notice or cared about before, such as a freckle or thinking her eyes are too far apart, etc and then i get the feeling of repulsion come over me. Every time i see her, i can't help focusing on it and thinking 'ewww', like Austin Powers and 'The Mole' and the thing is, i know i'm not even physically perfect myself. I think this is a trick my mind plays, as a fear response, to make an excuse to break up and run.
However, when a break up does happen, whether i'm the dumper or dumpee, i'm deeply devastated and it takes me longer to grieve and get over it, as i see it as another failure for being the fucked up person that i am. Had this happen recently 2 months ago and just coming out of the fog now. I got dumped for my hot and cold behaviour and failing to communicate my feelings, which meant to her that i didn't care, but really i was triggered in a freeze fear response. I lost a beautiful woman i cared about. The end of this relationship was the straw that broke the Camels back. I have had enough and i need answers. I recognise there has been a pattern i've been following throughout my dating life. I needed to know why i'm such a failure and why i keep messing things up, which has kickstarted my journey down the rabbit hole looking for answers and here is where i landed today. Watching these videos and reading through these comments have brought tears to my eyes. I now know i'm not alone and this crazy shit i keep repeating has a name. Fearful Avoidant. Which is actually a relief, because i was almost convinced i was a Narcissist after watching some videos on another channel before this one. I couldn't accept that though. I've never been abusive to a partner. Not much of the jealous type either and i have a lot of empathy for my fellow humans that are struggling in this world, just like i am.
Look into boderline personality disorder, 75 percent of those who have the FA attachment style, also have BPD. The two are extremely closely linked.
I’ve just discovered this channel and it’s crazy cause it just connects all the dots about what has been going on in my life for years. I feel so powerless though. How can we fix it? I feel like I have no energy.
Look into Limerence ….it’s a weird infatuation addiction that is based on fantasies and can follow unhealthy/non-logical patterns.
@@Cornelius1212borderline is wayyyyy over diagnosed. I wouldn’t start considering that. His behavior is not that extreme at all.
I thought it was just me! Throughout my 30 years of life it happened to me every single time I found someone I was attracted to!
My ex actually was going through this but neither of us had any idea about this until I saw this video. She broke up with me 2 weeks after saying that she loves me and introduced me to her family. She was having non stop panic attacks and was so sick that she couldn’t even leave the bed. Now I understand why. Unfortunately she’s back to her ex who I believed did not even really love her shortly after our breakup. It crushed my soul but I am healing and will move forward. Maybe one day she will realize this and can be truly happy, which is all I want for her.
I’m experiencing this right now:( I like him one day and then the next I want to beak up. But then I’ll love him the next day again. My feelings also switch up when someone else has something to say about him and my relationship. When someone makes a comment on how my boyfriend isn’t good enough for me I’ll lose all feelings and instantly want to break up with him. It’s such a confusing time!! I feel so bad that he has to deal with me like this. I also have such a wall up that I can rarely talk about things with him. To the point that I just shut right down and get angry when he asks me what’s wrong. Your vids are really helping me understand more of myself tho and I thank you so much for that😭♥️♥️
That’s exactly my experience as well!
“What’s wrong?” It’s like dude if only I knew what was wrong ! Lol
@@nolacanola literally 😂😂😂
So beautiful thank you for sharing! It warms my heart to see here that we all have this, or just that we are more. We are not alone and weird. 😌❤️🤗
Word for word same experience here. Comforting to know I’m not alone during a hard time. Thank you for sharing.
I would be deeply interested in hearing your husband's experience with you as a fearful avoidant, and how he felt heading your experiences just being so fearful. And I say this because I'm the fearful avoidant and I want to understand my partner better. I have definitely had this experience a few times already in 2 years, and I would like to heal this.
As someone who has left someone like that all I can say is it is exhausting. Her husband truly loves her.
Wow, yes. I can relate to these feelings so much. I have felt so guilty about it in the past when I know the other person is trying their best. I appreciate you being so candid!
I cannot control who I am sexually attracted to.
I'm actually just crying while watching this video... I almost broke up with him one day, it was literally just one sentence away. But I didn't wanted to completely lose him and so I wanted to keep it going. I still want this feeling back we once had. You're the first person wich is not saying "Oh you're not attracted to him anymore? Just break up, the chemistry just isn't enough apperantly" You're actually talking about how I feel and my fears, how my brain works and how confused I am because of this. It just makes me so happy knowing that it's not a downwards spiral but it can turm into an upwards. Thank you for giving me assurance and hope 💚
Thank you so much for sharing. I am happy to hear my video's are helping you! Keeps me motivated to continue♥
Did you ever figure this out
Are you good now?
Im just crying 😭 This video these comments.. it’s like for the first time in my entire life someone understood how i really feel and i have feeling and leaving like this 😭😭😭
I have lived through what you described, she did break up with me and moved on to another. She often said she had never been loved the way I loved her, she didn't deserve it. Then slow faded away. A friend of mine was the first to identify she was scared away... Didn't know anything about attachment styles then. I hope she finds her way to healing, I do believe she's a good person buried by trauma and fear. I'm working to become more secure. I cherish the good memories we made together and the time I got to be with her.
I can't thank you enough, this is what my girlfriend is going through literally right now, and it's just so painful to watch her shut down all her emotions even though we were deeply in love. I will be patient, and your videos just gave me immense strength to keep loving no matter what. True love never fails, and if it fails, it wasn't true love.
I guess, it wasn't true love after all.
@@CaptainYbara Stay strong man life is in front of you!
@@FreeStyleBoyy thank you for the kind words. Indeed, I've already healed quite a lot thanks to the understanding of attachment styles and other resources that helped me to centralize my happiness within me. For anyone going through a break up or a rough patch with an FA heed my word: step back, assert your self-worth in a polite and gentle manner, and truly - I mean TRULY - stop fearing to lose them. Centralize and isolate your happiness and self-esteem within yourself and STAND YOUR GROUND. Once they realize that you're worth it and that they're the one causing all the chaos, they'll introspect and, if not coming back to you, will be a better person in the future. Peace!
really accurate what you say
I am going through the same thing right now
@@FreeStyleBoyy I feel your pain. Trust me when I say I truly appreciate what you're doing for the relationship and respect your struggle. Also trust me when I say that standing your ground and not letting your partner rewrite the history and repaint all the memories as they want is the best way. For you, it will keep your memories clean and allow you to let them go with peace. For them, it will give the contrary opinion they need so much to spark the thought "am I the wrong one here?" If not repairing the relationship, it will keep you sane and hold the other person accountable, which is the best you can do for them. If not with you, they might be happy down the line with someone else. Also, I advise you to learn about No Contact Rule and shift the balance of power to your side by breaking it off before they can. Because once they do it (which was my case), they will lose the chance to learn and be better until it won't work with their next partner or the next partner openly says that the FA is flawed.
I have done this in every single relationship I have been in. I thought I was just an evil person basically, even though I would feel so guilty at the same time for feeling that way about my partner.
100% same, I felt and continue to feel so guilty and shallow and stupid for feeling that way. The guilt feels unbearable lately.
You can't control what you feel. That's not your fault. What you need to do is just try to understand what is making you feel that way and figure that out.
this does sound like spiritual attack. bad spirit.
i would make sure this woman is fully healed before listening for advice.
I’m 2 years into the best relationship of my life. He is kind, compassionate, hardworking, says all the right things, is so patient with me, and so wise. We had chemistry from the start but after 2 years, I am losing attraction and it is killing me because I love him so much. We have talked about it and he is giving me some space but I am so torn and conflicted. Thank you for this video and making me feel heard.
I am sorry you have to go through this. Thanks you for being here❤
This sounds like my relationship, too! You're not alone.
How did you bring up the conversation of needing space? I’m in that situation now and I don’t know how to bring up the topic
I can relate 💯 😥
Why do you just be friends then and let the relationship go? Why torture yourself and him long term when it’s not in you anymore?
Isn’t that just wasting everyone time when yall could just find someone you actually want to be with??
ugh this. Thank you for saying this happens more often/intensely in stable, loving relationships. I'm in the most loving, attuned, connected relationship in my life and am currently repulsed and have fallen into a depression hole where I don't want to see her and I don't think I love her anymore. It's so confusing and she's so amazing and I wish I could make it stop. All I know to do is try and take space, be in therapy, not be an asshole, and try to be honest. When will it stop?
I believe doing Nature Therapy (I don't think it's it actual name) will help you go through the repulsive and fear you feel for your partner, it really made a difference for me.
@@eiddar4888 nature therapy, do you mean hikes, walks, stuff like that outside? being in tune with yourself and nature? i would like to try anything to improve my mental state.
@@bellah.7171 Yeah kinda, you listen to very calm music, do the things that inspires you, find smells you like (candles, bath bombs etc), take some time to paint what you feel, and sometimes to do gardening stuff. It feels really good once you make it a habit.
Hey, how did it turn out for you? Going through exactly the same and looking for the littlest bit of hope
@@zuzaadler3943 found anything helpful?
Omg!! I am so glad I found this video. This has been me for 4 years. My husband is as perfect as it gets and I try to run over and over. It’s so confusing. Wanting someone and not wanting them at the same time!
I watched that video couple of months ago and now I came back because I feel repulsion again but it's so strong and confusing because literally a month earlier my relationship was completely anxiety-free and I was just so happy and in love.... What positively surprised me was that you said you had doubts since the beginning and it got worse after a year together - EXACTLY THE SAME HERE. So it's so good to hear that just because I had doubts since the beginning it doesn't mean it all is wrong.... Coming back to the repulsion part - It all started with a decision about moving in together. It scarred me SO MUCH, especially because my previous and very destructive relationship also started by living together so I was afraid to end up in same situation. I've noticed how my fear brain was doing EVERYTHING to make me less attracted to my partner. It started with obsessing over his height (he's 2cm shorter than me) and convinced me that that such a bad thing that I should break up with him xD but because I decided to work on the belief that "men should be taller than women" and therefore stopped thinking its an issue then my fear brain jumped to another thing that maybe he isn't funny enough because sometimes he says jokes that don't land (but completely ignored all the times we laugh together). I've noticed how alerted I was every time he was joking to be prapared for his "unfunny joke" and if that didn't happen I just ignored that but if that happened then I'd exaggerate that. At some point I blamed my anxiety fully in him - "if he was more masculine I wouldn't have issues", "if he would dress up more elegantly I wouldn't have issues", etc. So I also had that crash where I was sooo close to break up with him. We talked and he shocked me by being the calmest person I've ever seen... It put me in a spiral of guilt for all the thoughts because he's too good and I'm too nasty. So now I'm here. Back to watching your videos and being grateful for them. Because I still have a need for external validation (that's why I was obsessing over my partner's height because I already experienced some people looking strange at us) so hearing someone experiencing EXACTLY THE SAME as me is really soothing... Thank you.
PS I'll add that my previous relationship had those highs and lows where I had intense feelings of love every time the low ended so being in fully stable relationship made me doubt that I don't love my partner just because I don't feel the same intense emotions towards him.. Its so fucked up
Exactly the same.
Hey! Thank you for sharing your story. Wishing you all the best, it takes a lot to be open and vulnerable on such a public platform.
omg same! it's so validating to hear this
This is exactly what has happened with me and it’s the worst feeling. Thank you Pauline, and thank you everyone, for sharing your feelings and your stories.
I don't know who you are but this comment means so much to me because I am exactly the same, I also obsessed over my boyfriends height, the way he was standing was not masculine enough 😭 and he also shocked me by being such a good man while I throw my doubts in his face and after that felt relief because I was honest with myself and him and realized it was not the doubts but not talking about the doubts that was the need making itself visible, and then felt attracted again, height issue resolved (until the next wave hits) .... You have no idea how comforting to know it is for me to read others like me because everyone around always says it should not be that way but I am literally having amnesia about the good when I flip into that avoidant side and do not respect my boundaries and time alone. So helpful to hear others stories.... just to hear it helps so much...
Thanks for making this. I'm exploring this topic as I've been going through it. It appears that this sudden repulsion syndrome is an evolutionary response to danger - for women, it's triggered by signs of disloyalty and for women it's triggered by signs of weakness. Your man showed strength and stability and I reckon that relieved your fears. That's a wonderful outcome to a super challenging situation.
that's so interesting, thank you!
...that danger isn't from disloyalty or weakness (although, men are told to share their feelings more? Is that weakness?).
It comes from problems in childhood and subconcious programming.
Paulien, I truly feel you're an angel that came into my life! I hope you feel the impact of who you are, your vulnerability, and how healing and huge that is for us to connect with and witness, and for the whole world. Its unbelievable and alienating how little these things are talked about, and as you said, how much shame we can feel over something that's not uncommon.. so thank you. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I wish we could've been friends together through all the times we suffered and felt alone!💕☺
Did you ever feel repulsion at the same time of feeling the "cling", like you wanted the relationship?
For me, I'm dealing with being an FA too, of course, as well as ROCD, sexual orientation OCD, AND I'm queer.
I've basically been in such a constant state of unattraction/repulsion that I haven't hardly been capable of being around this amazing man for the last 2 years. At best, I feel unattracted and apathetic about it.
I hear many people feeling genuinely attracted at times throughout these experiences, so it makes me feel that my situation is different, that attraction IS gone forever.
Again Paulien, you are absolutely incredible, your vulnerability is so beautiful and is SUCH a gift, and THANK YOU for all you give to us. May the shame and fear be washed away with compassion and love!💕 Xx
Ah so happy you are here Nicole. Unattracted and apathetic sounds veerry familiar. It could be that this man is super steady and steadfast, which doesn't allow you to fall in the familiar dynamic of highs and lows and push and pull, which can cause the numbing feeling. It is up to you to find that source of love within and feel it. It could be that you confused the adrenaline rushes of highs and lows with love, and now is the time to start feeling in into true, warm, rich love and allowing that in your body. A lot of times, that doesn't feel safe to feel for FA's. Hence, the numbed out feeling :)
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thank you so much for your response, and for all you do!🙏
This video was so validating. I have def felt repulsed/disgusted/turned off by guys that were too “intentional” and interested. Sometimes I would feel bored or I’d nitpick every little thing they did. I’m so glad I’m beginning to learn this about myself. Thank you for sharing your experience. Truly helps!❤
Thank you for being here❤
This has helped me so much this morning, I don't think it ever feels good to believe you are in a boat alone. I didn't feel like this in relationships before, but I lost my wife tragically 9 years ago, and now I feel very hot and cold and it's so hard to be completely vulnerable with my new partner. If you have done more work on this, I would like to know about it. Thank you
Pretty much every time I have broken things off I have felt that I HAVE to break it off, not like I want to.
Yes! Ive noticed that I never let my heart talk, just do what my mind tells me is best for the other person.
100% same, the feeling of unbearable urgency
Thank you very much for sharing so openhearted your experiences. I am a man who does recognize the phenomenon in myself when I was engaged with the woman I am now married with for almost thirty four years now. Even at our marriage day the phenomenon occurred. And before and after that day another few times.
Later on it disappeared, also because we could talk and pray about it together and my wife is a very calm and accepting person.
Recently I have learned a lot about panic. And so many years later now, I recognize the phenomenon as a form of panic. I think it was a panic about me maybe not really loving her. Panic makes your mind produce unreliable thoughts and feelings based on those untrue thoughts, I learned.
So, thanks again for sharing your story, Paulien!
Kind regards. Bram
I’ve experienced this with all the people I dated and engaged. I have terminated relationships because of this just because I felt so anxious and exhausted that it felt that that was the only way to feel any sort or relieve. Now I know it gets activated when I feel people pressure me to do stuff I might not want or feels too much. I also noticed that this gets triggered when I am under so much stress, when I lost my routines for any given circumstances, and when I feel that people are taking advantage of me (even thought they are not, but just the feeling) is weird and is costing me my life and my family. I need help
me too
Thanks! I really needed this. I've never had a successful relationship. Recently, my love moved in with me. We are facing a lot of external obstacles, and I think we are both feeling this way right now. I have not been sure who to talk to about it. This has made me feel better. ❤
I don’t know if all the comments above are bots or actual real people. I can’t imagine saying these hurtful words to people in person.
Thank you for the video. I found it really helpful to hear someone’s experience with the subject of repulsion. It’s hard to find content in this area and I found your testimony to be be helpful
I lost three amazing relationships to this plague, never being able to explain the feeling to myself or the unlucky guy other than 'suddenly the magic was gone, what could I do'. Every time I wanted them back several years later (because recovering and finding a new great relationship, i.e. mutual love, always took ages for me and I began regretting my unreasonable behaviour sooner or later). All three never wanted to have anything to do with me again. Today I'm in the wake of a failed reconciliation attempt with the last one of them, feeling hopeless and hapless as ever, feeling that I'll never find anyone as good and magical. But at least now I know what was haunting me all my life, and knowing the reason inspires both bad and good feelings. So many years were lost, I've been so stupid. How could my parents give me such a thing :(
this is my first relationship with a partner that gives me unconditional love, is understanding, communicates with me, is a healthy person overall and it has been amazing these past 9 months. i have had doubts here and there but it was nothing i couldn't handle. we also saw each other every day/almost every day for that period of time and have recently become like you said a weekend relationship(LDR) and i think it took a major toll on me. i struggle with a lot of unhealed childhood daddy/mommy issues and abandonment issues so talking with my therapist i suspect i felt abandoned by him once he had to leave for school and we see each other every other week. it's funny because my last relationship that was about 6 months long i was so naive and a couple years younger i thought "oh he is the one, he is my soulmate and the one for me" i was so blinded by my need for companionship i ignored his red flags and i was incredibly insecure always being jealous and starting fights. this current relationship i feel i healed more to be comfortable with him, i never had this overwhelming feel that "he is the one forever" which scared me because i thought that is what you are supposed to feel in a relationship but your story about your relationship and your roomates confirmed my belief it's not that black and white. i feel genuinely comfortable with my partner and i can tell him anything, he can to me as well, and we are here for each other. the doubts have just gotten so bad recently i feel like it will never go away no matter how hard i try. i get doubts about my attraction to him, how long we will last, etc. i also never got super jealous with him about other people and i used to think that is because i have healed and i know he loves me but again, recently the doubts say it's because i don't truly love him and he can be with anyone. the brain is such a mysterious frustrating tricky place, i'll be crying my eyes out one minute i don't want to break up and ever leave him then the next i get this pit in my stomach it's not meant to be and he's just a person in my path to move past from. i want to heal myself and heal with him and he has told me he is 100% committed to working with me and do whatever it takes which i think scares me as well, having someone who WANTS to listen who WANTS to help me and not just give up(like my ex-partner who gave up)
Free him.
Thanks so much. This is SOOO very, very helpful! Although I’m coming to understand how I as a fearful avoidant can feel on-again, off-again for my partner, it was important to hear you say this so strongly. That has impact. Dealing with repulsion seemed like a whole other ball-game, especially with the body reactions like it wanted to spit her out. I found I would start ruminating on ways our relationship didn’t work, in order to match what I was feeling in my body. Stewing on resentments made for a bitter soup, but it also lead to further self-shaming and self-hatred. More often than not, it also lead to me feeling irreperably broken. It is soothing at a deep level to hear you share this and resonate internally. Thank you!
Does this ever happen at the beginning of a relationship? I felt this overwhelm and nausea (had to lay down for half the day) when I met my current partner for the first time. I felt like I was dying, but there was no real reason, we just had a nice talk at the park.
Yes it can happen at the beginning of relationship
yes!! did you stick it out? how do you feel about your partner now??
i just watched this really corny hallmark movie called "boyfriends of christmas past" and it's terrifying just how many people have FA... the main character's mother left her at christmas and in adulthood, her trauma would creep up during the holidays with romantic partners and thereby becoming what she feared. the movie doesn't go into any attachment theory, trauma explanation (as far as we know, she's not seeing a therapist), etc but it's clear as day that she always emotionally regulated in isolation, desired intimacy but was terrified of it, and in the end she married her best friend because he was always there lol (and yes, she had massive push-pull with him). thanks for what you do! cuz i notice so many movies about FA now (good will hunting, can you ever forgive me, ammonite, etc) that show a central theme of how the FA loop is destroying the connections they crave but secure attachment is ever possible :)
Oh yes, the FA attachment style is very well represented in mainstream media and movies :) It is very interesting to observe once you start recognising it! And also, pretty sad that we have such unhealthy examples of what love and relationships looks like, right?
Now it all makes sense
How can I thank you !!!
I am so glad that i found this .. going through this with my boyfriend and it really sucks, i feel so much better now that i have an understanding of what's going on..
Everything you said is exactly how I feel right now. We’re a little over a year in a relationship and have lived together about 10 months. I’m so disgusted by him and feel the need to break up every day, then I fall asleep on his chest every night. It’s so confusing. My feelings are off and on night and day. I feel the need to change all of these things about him.
How is it now?
Things that you feel compelled to change are things you have no compassion for if they were in yourself.
What a genuine and caring soul … thank you for your honesty and addressing this very real and difficult subject. Peace and Love 💜
I’ve only been absolutely repulsed once. After I broke it off with the person, he proceeded to call me names and put me down.
Sometimes these feelings are legitimate and are keeping you from someone not good for you.
Absolutely, and that's the explanation we usually hear and are very aware of I think. I'm just saying that there is a possibility that it can be something else too. But good point, not sure if I addressed it enough in this video then.
Your channel helps me so much. I’m with who I believe will be my husband and I go through these cycles and I feel so tortured inside. I love him so much and I feel so guilty when I get into this state. Your videos are such a comfort.
4:10... so much very, very bad relationship advice... if you want to always feel sparkly and on an emotional high, what you actually want is to walk around like some sort of drug addict. Not a normal human being. You can't always be all-intense without wearing yourself out. And others do not exist to provide you with continual highs.
I have definitely felt this, in long term relationships, with crushes I've had, and th person I've been on 5 dates with now. It's really hard for me to feel confident telling the difference between my own FA mind and genuine incompatibility. I don't want to waste my time though by waiting to find out.
i had the same doubts and now in a relationship of 2 years
@@IFANWY how is it going now?
Give it a month or two, ride it out and pretend all is ok. We are not our thoughts. If you genuinely like the person and you know repulsion is your default, give it some time to feel safe and secure and then you’ll be able to judge better.
Thank you sooo much🙏🙏🙏I am exactly there, I have the most amazing man ever, stable, loving, committed. But I’m up and down, worried about my repulse feeling that visits all the time
Hi I was experiencing all this but I was trying to reach to people who do understand more on this issue because I am a married woman and I just woke up one day feeling the Same way on and off emotions because I felt so lonely, then all this negative thoughts keep on coming up.Thank you so much for this teachings
I unfortunately totally relate to your story… the wanting to break things off in the evening and then wanting them 12 hours later is maddening. Responsible for trauma bonding in my past relationships. 😞
Your guy must be very secure…. He was the rock during your unstable moments.
I told my ex when she feels replusive, bored with me, or starting to resent the relationship... Tell me and leave me....She did. I would hate for a woman to stay with me out of fear or pity.
Absolutely ❤
You missed the whole point of this video lol, but I guess that’s ok bc it wasn’t directed at you.
Nooo, you missed the point of what she is saying. It’s not personal, it’s probably because she dosent know how to put boundaries with you and because she is not okay with some parts of herself. Because she is not at peace with some parts of herself, she pushes you away because she doesn’t want you to see it
I connect and relate to this soo much I’m so grateful I found your channel I’ve felt so confused for so long and you are the first person I’ve found that is bringing so much light to my feelings and the confusion within I love you thank you Paulien for being vulnerable and sharing with us 💜🙏
Is it normal as an FA to feel like you want to break up? That you will be more free, more able to experience other people? Because this has been happening to me in every, every single one of my romantic relationships, i shut off all the feelings i had towards them and i get attached to someone else. It makes me feel horrible, like I've never even loved that person to begin with. I think it may be ROCD and FA attachment style combined and Im very worried because its happening rn to my relationship of 3 years with the loveliest man. I dont even want sex, Im repulsed by him and when he wants my comfort. But I get this dread about ending the relationship. Like, I feel like I want to exit it because dealing with this is so painful and I keep fantasizing about a crush, however I never want to cheat on him, It's just so tempting to say fuck it and go fall in love again. Im at my wits end. These videos have been bringing me somesort of comfort but I feel so scared that I'll end up breaking up with him, because I cant feel anything sometimes.
update?
@@k4ir0s Hi :) We're still together and working on my FA tendencies and past traumas have definitely helped. I have BPD which also contributes to me being very difficult but talking very openly and being accountable has also aided me.
this is very common for FAs.. yeah definitely
A lot of times I felt repulsed by my partner when he came too close. But I never thought it being because of my maybe- attachment style. See, I've been raped when I was 15 and my parents also never taught me physical touch might be a sign of love. They were both very distant. So concerning my history I could easily handle feelings of repulsion and not see it as a sign my relationship was bad - it rather was something I had to work on myself. The point where it fueled my anxiety was rather that my partner is a very touchy person. And I started questioning if we're compatible then if I cannot handle physical touch but he needs to express his love through it. We talked about it and now, one year later, I am comfortable with him touching me and I discovered myself being a very physical touch person. I loove to hug and feel him close to me. Doesn't mean that I sometimes still need my personal space and he needs to back up a bit (how do I deal with the feeling of guilt after pushing him away, tho).
I also experienced emotional repulsion towards him. Also veery confusing shit, bc I would catch myself being really kind of disgusted by him and then one second later I would adore him again and this could go on for the rest of the evening. I think sometimes I need to feel annoyed by him because then, when I find out, that I still like him a lot, it gives me reassurance, that I love him.
My problem is really that now, when the butterfly phase wears off, I have to deal with the feelings of normalty and routine and this creeps me out A LOT. It really feels like stagnation for me, like I'm being caught in that place and will never get out of it and I know I love him but oh god I love him, that means, I'm stuck with him for the rest of my life. And I still experience emotional and physical attraction to others and then the urge kicks in, that I have to explore THEM bc maybe they can give me the happiness of my life and the feeling of adventure and risk and adrenaline I need. Maybe they will be a better match for me and maybe it won't be so so so... Dry? Kind of need to explore those unpleasant feelings more bc deep down I know that the myth of the perfect partner isn't real and also, I love my current partner, so why would I have the need to explore more options, and so the cycle goes on and I go down slowwly
Yes exactly....i want to know how to solve this.
My story is exactly the same. I want to know. Is he someone that you find overly physically attractive ? Or is he mediocre? Or just someone you wouldn’t typically consider physically?
@@kaylabennett3149that's the question.
Exactly everything you wrote!!!
I know this video is 2+ years old now but WOW I really needed to see/hear this. I've been feeling so unattracted to my partner the last year or so and haven't been able to understand why even though she is so loving and wonderful to me. This has helped me to understand that it's just my attachment style and I need to learn how to heal from it. I thought I was just depressed but it seems that this attachment style is also a big contributing factor. I've been with my partner for almost 7 years now and do not want to break up. Time to binge more of your videos now so I can better understand myself
Thanks so much for sharing this. I'm going through this and it's hell... I don't think it's avoidant attachment, I think it's disorganized attachment (at least for me): going from anxious to avoidant all the time, sometimes in the "I'll die if you leave me" state and sometimes in the "I'll lose myself if I stay with you"... Both versions of not feeling secure nor complete within myself. Your story gives me hope ♥
Wow I can relate with you so much, I have always ended up all my relationships till now, just after initial conversations its a paradox and people do not understand, they rather become very resentful and bitter... and say like " you are just so confused person". Its such a paradox that you really really like them but you run 10 miles away as soon as they reach out to you. And being a woman, if the guy is a gent he really feels hurt because to make a woman feel safe is something he really want to do.
I have felt that way with my husband. Been married to him for 27 years. The spark is not there like it used to be.. I don't feel I love him. He has gain some weight. I see him a different person. I really want to leave. I haven't. I want to fix my marriage. We have a beautiful family together.
I love the way you spoke of your experience. That made sense to what I'm feeling. I see good,caring,& love that he has for me. He listens & he's here for me. He sees me with so much love. I want to Thank you. For opening my eyes in seeing the best is right here with me. Thank ones again.God bless!!🙏💛😊
Lmao disgusting comment. Just leave him. So what he’s gained weight. Are you the same weight as you were 27yewrs ago?
I definitely experienced the attraction and repulsion From the start of my relationship. Your channel is helping heal sooooo much! I am less triggered and am getting better at being vulnerable and seen by my partner! Thank you for sharing your story and for all this info on FA. It’s like I’ve been looking for this exactly ❤
I am happy to hear you are doing so much better. Keep up the good work. Happy to have you here!
I can’t thank you enough for this video it’s really resonated and helped me understand why that sensation and feeling comes about your videos seem to resonate with me very well and help me understand a lot of why I feel the way I feel at different times please keep making these videos on this👏🏻
Thank you so much for you kind words. Happy to have you here❤
This is fascinating & so relatable!! Thank you 🙏
how much I needed to hear this! the ick is real BUT then it gets better.
12:37 is the best explanation of this whole dynamic! thank you for making this video and sharing your story.
20 years of marriage feeling this way!
I’m on the receiving end. Not easy for either partner
Thank you so much for this video, atleast knowing atleast another person in this planet has felt the same as me, makes me feel so validated and relieved.
Another person here!!
Hey, I really needed to hear something like this.
So I met a girl I was attracted to, that was sweet and considerate and funny (she is probably secure leaning anxious) and we had great chemistry, but as we continued to hang out I started to feel almost obligated to do certain things, and everything felt out of place. Like, every second I spent at her house or close to her or talking to her I felt this uneasiness. I couldnt sleep at all when I spent the night with her, etc, and when I returned home the next day it felt like I could finally breathe.
By the time I knew that it was not her fault, it was something with me (I had already noticed my addiction towards unavailable people) and it wasnt just the repulsion I was feeling, also the guilt for feeling like this and spoiling something that was good for me and the guilt for acting like everything was okay.
Eventually we went on a weekend trip to another city, and it was almost unbearable as hours passed. By saturday night I was sure that I was not in love anymore and had never been, that I didn't want to be near her at all. The worst was forcing myself to have sex with her.
Eventually, after that I started to distance myself more and more, because every time I was with her I had a bad time internally and I preferred to do nearly anything else.
This was last summer, and now we ended things romantically but we still see each other, every time feeling guilty for pushing her aside like that.
So thanks for talking about this because it's nearly the thing I've felt the most ashamed of in my entire life.
So in march I had a completely different experience. There was this guy (definetely dismissive avoidant, because that's the only pattern I've really felt things for) that I had been 'in love with' for literally years, it was a really strong crush. So he's not really an open or comunicative person so it was almost like a miracle (mostly made out of alcohol) when we finally confessed each other our love. Soon after we were together, and my world turned around. He was all I could think about, I was constantly thirsty for him, he was on my mind, I wanted to know everything about him. Basically I experienced the strongest limerence of my entire life (that I still carry).
The first weeks were absolutely life changing, I had never been in such a bliss.
Then, he started to act distant, to want to hang less and less, and I gave him all the space of the world. Sex started to decay as well as physical contact, and depth of conversation. When I brought it up he didn't want to make eye contact and kept saying things that didn't add up.
So after a lot of suffering on my part and having to deal with his inconsistency I finally realized that he was experiencing that same repulsion I experienced with the girl, with me. It hurt me so much (along with his incapability to talk things through or give me any kind of reassurance or care about my feelings) that eventually I broke up with him, right when he had been out of town for a month practically ghosting me and announced me that he would be gone til september.
I still have to deal with this almost compulsive habit to think about him, to still hope, etc.
Things are getting better, now I don't miss him that much but it returns sometimes.
So all i wanted to know is, did you also felt drawn towards unavailable people? And if so, could you make a video about it? If you feel like it of course, I really appreciate all of your content and really feel glad for knowing that there's at least one person in the world able to understand what I've been through.
I'm glad that you healed. :')
im in the same boat. had a guy who liked me and i barely gave him anything. when he started to distance, i wanted him so badly. i have a new guy who wants me and im so scared ill mess it up because of my own mind. these videos are helping me recognize my patterns and behaviors. we will get through this
Karma 🤷🏾♀️ is a bitch.
She has been drawn to unavailable people and she also has video's about this but I think they are all in Dutch.
Lesbians
if i even sense an impending "relationship" all of a sudden i feel sick to my stomach then a wave of lethargy takes over, an overwhelming urge to sleep. The body does it, i try to resist but no.
Thank you for making this video!! I used to be like your friend thinking if you ever have doubts then its not the right relationship, but life experience has shown me thats not actually true. I love hearing from happily married couples about the ups and downs they experience and how to navigate them!
I have been experiencing this for years and I just broke up with another guy because of this .. I just wanna say thank you for sharing this . For letting me know that I'm not alone struggling with this. Thanks again u are great ♥️
Wow....I came to this video bc i am struggling hardcore with this topic in my current relationship. You mentioning the Fearful Avoidant attachment style peaked my interest, so I took the quiz and it turns out..... that is my attachment style LMAO thank you for helping my life!!!!! as im listening to you tears are coming to my eyes and im almost shocked, bc you are describing the exact loop my mind has been stuck in for years..... like as if you are reading my mind hahaha :'))))) for the first time in my life i feel that i will solve this mystery and confusion inside of myself that i have lived with for so long
Yes, I do experience this. Every little thing can intensely annoy me at times. Drives me insane!
How as a partner do I make this feeling an fa has go away.
I'm really in a battle with myself to let go if this partner or hold on. I am in constant sadness and he doesn't seem to care or console me.
omg thank you😭😭 I thought I was alone in this💔
I had a very similar experience! I dated another FA on a weekend visits dynamic like you. The relationship was very fulfilling, stable and happy. On 6 months mark, I went to visit him and he was weird but didn't say anything. He was shut down the whe week after. The next weekend he didn't want to come to visit me. So I facetimed him and asked what was going on. He started crying and said "I HAVE to break up with you", the same words you used. However I wasn't as wise as your husband and I freaked out, it triggered my avoidant side and I then shut down completely with the rejection. We never spoke again. I wasn't aware of attachment styles back then. Maybe it could've worked if I didn't freak out.
I totally understand you thinking that, but you did what you could with what you had back then. There is always more love in your future, for you AND him!
I have been trying to make relationships work but I would only ever try if I had to fight for them. I spent the last couple of months reading books of and listening to relationship coaches to at least have an idea about what I have to do. But then I realized that I was falling into the same pattern time and time again, and I always chose the person who was unavailable in a way (even though they hadn't been that in the beginning) and I had to fight for attention and affection because I wanted to prove so much how worthy I was. I have this knack for finding the avoidants and they make me feel safe probably because I know that I can expect from them the same kind of attachment that I have always known.
On the other hand, whenever somebody came and expressed their desire to be with me early on, were nice to me and consistent in their investment, I felt this repulsion. This exact same feeling. Like no way, this is something new that I don't know, I am not safe, I hate this person for expecting me to be in a situation like this. I just told a guy who was like this, today that I don't want to see him again because I don't feel as excited about being with him as I think I should (we had 2 dates). And I felt an enormous relief but a pang in my heart at the same time because this has happened before. I was 17 when I met this nice, sensitive guy and we rode our bikes home at dawn because we have been talking all night. He wanted to see me again and then I felt the same repulsion. He added me on Facebook and I never texted him back because I felt this consuming anxiety about the whole thing and I wanted him to disappear. Then when I was 21 I did the same thing with a guy, but then I just ghosted him because I was disgusted by him (he wasn't very nice actually so that was a good decision but I didn't do it because of his bad personality but because of what I felt).
So "love" for me was always something unreachable. I am now healed enough in my own self-worth and self-esteem to know that I do deserve the right kind of love and I am worthy of it. I can even date, I am 26 now and before I would only meet boys if they bumped into me somehow. I never approached anybody. And now I can, and I am so proud of that! But I can now see that I stand in my own way of developing the loving and steady relationship that I want.
So I just discovered that I am fearful avoidant today. Every word and description fits me perfectly. And there is such a power in knowing that although I sabotage myself in and out of relationships, there is a way out and it's not just the simple explanation that I am unlucky in love or unlovable. I now know that wanting somebody I can't have and not wanting someone who wants me is actually fearful avoidant attachment style. Thank you for your help Paulien! You really helped me move towards positive change!
I had a day alone in my house. In the morning I was genuinely looking forwards to seeing my partner in the evening. By the time the evening came I broke off the whole relationship. I don't think that is normal :S Seems a bit FA
I was dating an FA and exact same thing happened. I was calm at first but don't know how i ended up acting needy. But i have given her space.
Its after the breakup that i understood she was an FA, i wish i had known early. I still miss her though.
The exact same situation of your roommate happened with me, a friend of mine told me that if I wasn’t always attracted to him and I wasn’t sure all the time that means that I don’t love him and that i should leave him and it sent me into a spiral and i just cried my eyes out ,and then two months later she told me about how she now feels the same way about her own boyfriend
Oh yes, that's why it's so vulnerable to give your power away like that by believing everybody knows better than you! Most people don't really know what they're doing :) And that's ok! We don't have to know
my entire perception of my girlfriends physical appearance changed and its utterly baffling to me. I've been overwhelmed with a tremendous amount of negative emotions, namely sadness, fear, and anger because this was the most beautiful person I've ever met
Did she change physically or just your perception? Just curious
@@katielove4993 I think there are a multitude of factors involved, I’d say yes and no. From my understanding I also have an insecure attachment style
@@Yt1925jndid it get better or did you break up because of this?
how did things end up man? going through a similar situation
@@drakelessner3981 yeah?
I have this massively and it is a torture. It has held me back from forming relationships for couple of decades now and I want to heal it now! Enough is enough!
Thank you so much for this video 🙏🏼
This helped me really understand myself and parts of me that I didn’t even know I had !! Thank you thank you thank you! Now I know what I must work on.
Thank you do much. I think I'm going through it right now
This is making it challenging to know if I should even start a current relationship. We've had sweet moments that make me think we could have something good, then everything switches so quickly.
exactly my story I’m balling my eyes out
This repulsion has ended pretty much every relationship I've ever had. I used to think it just ment they weren't my person. Now I know it because they started getting close and I'm terrified of being seen.
The pain of knowing I threw away perfectly good relationships is unbearable.
What it would be if he was the reason you lose your feelings? What if he did something that you can't forgive ,and you heal yourself ,now you don't want to be with him anymore.
I experienced this in every one of my relationships. One day they do something "wrong" and in my mind it is simply over. I sometimes stayed and it got better but this cycle happened over and over again. I started to think that it is the normal way that relationships work... But no, I now understand that it is my brain not being ok and that I need to heal
Wow thank you so much for being so honest. Yes I am also currently going through a similar situation. I am in a same-sex relationship with a wonderful woman. Looks wise she's not somebody I would normally go for however she is very stable and secure. I find myself feeling like Im unsure if I want to be with her and I feel that we just won't work out. However then I think she has lots to offer and we just could or do make a really good couple. I get scared of the thoughts of ending things with her 😢
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I have experienced this in every single relationship I’ve ever been in. As you said, it is incredibly confusing. I not only struggle connecting in relationships, but also friendships. I’m wondering if you would be willing to share any of your experiences with sex as a FA. The walls I have around sex feel so thick. The topic is constantly in the back of my mind and any time I even get close to having sex I freeze and instantly leave my body. I appreciate you so much for putting out so much helpful content for those like me who are deeply struggling and I respect your genuineness and sincerity 🙏✨💛
Hi. This may come off as super personal question from a complete online stranger, may I ask if you freeze only with partners with whom you could consider a serious partner, or also with FWBs/casual encounters/other avoidants?
@@agadgetgeek haha well I commend you for being brave enough to ask.
Honestly I’ve always struggled with sexual blocks & i haven’t had many FWB’s / hookup buddies. Reflecting on the past I can see I had a pattern of choosing avoidant men (mostly boys) & I may have had a slightly easier time being intimate & sexual with them bc I could sense their lack of attachment to me. That had the potential to start a vicious cycle tho- bc my anxious side would kick up in response to their avoidance & then in the case the person actually did start to like me- I would become avoidant and typically once that happened- I no longer had any desire to have sex with them.
Thank you for sharing your story ❤️
I have done this to my boyfriend a number of times. We’ve been together almost 2 years. I’m very much in love with him. My fear brain finds fault with him a lot and makes me fantasize about breaking up. In reality, I do not want to break up with him as it will hurt me very much 😢
I relate to this 100000%
I found out today about my attachment style and I am so grateful for this video. I have tried to ask for help, telling my story on so many subreddits in a different way everytime to be sure no one would tell me I have to break up, googled so many things, talked to so many friends and to my therapist about this recurring problem of mine but I never got the help I needed. I have felt so guilty this whole time... I am going to watch the rest of your work now, thank you for being such a relatable person.
I'm confused. I had a wonderful, funny and safe boyfriend. I loved him, but I felt that repulsion. We didn't have sex anymore because of it. How do you know it's that attachment style or just wrong partner?
I’ve been with my partner for about five years . We have really tested how me love each other and the work we are willing to put in. When we first meet I was head over heels in love with him like obsessed. Fast forward and the roles are reserved I am his queen and he was my king for some point but things changes our relationship was really toxic for a spell and I flirted with the idea of ending things and pursing others. Now we are focused on staying committed and health together but now I some days really love him and others I can’t stand to be around him. I hate my self for this!! I want to change and I want to be madly in love with him like when we first met but idk what to do.
hey im in a similar situation can you update us?
This sounds like ROCD a subtype of Obsessive compulsive disorder that targets your relationship.
This was so good and comforting to watch, I still have a question tho; I did experience these moments with my ex fiancé but also used to get multiple break up urges when I got annoyed and I would insist on that, he would try to talk to me but I’d refuse and the nicer he was the more stubborn I got,but just a couple of hours or a day later I’d feel this immense amount of love towards him and just want him back and we’d make up, I’d really appreciate your thoughts on this pattern 😢
I have been in a loving relationship since 2 years with the most calm and green flag man ever, we were best friends before dating. I started liking him because he made me happier than anyone else i liked his hair a lot and i never really paid attention to his looks. Later on in the relationship i never cared about his looks but now suddenly i dont care about how happy he makes me and all i can focus on is his looks and thats making me lose attraction for him. I told him, he was broken but hes giving us time. I have the exact same symptoms, nausea and panic attacks.. im stuck.. i dont know what to do, did i never even love him romantically but never noticed because the initial stage had too much of dopamine?
Sounds normal to me. You do love him. Just not happy with his hair apparently, and that's okay. But it sounds like you explained it so badly you actually broke him. Look we're all going to get old and probably unattractive. Your hyper fixation on this is tearing you apart. If he's really that good of a guy... well I would say make it work. But only if you are ready to put in the work and compromise with him. My 2 cents.
@@MatthewHanson1 I'm doing better now thank u :)
Hi, I have nave same thing with looks of my partner right now
I dont find him attractive all the time, but sometimes he is so beautiful to me
Did you experience same?
Feeling repulsion myself right now. I can't bear sleeping in the same bed as my partner as it scares me. I know too that that leads to him feeling rejected & so the dynamic is toxic. I'm not sure what to do with it at this point. He is mostly kind & caring.
But like, how long do you wait until you have to admit that being repulsed by a partner is not fair on them? I’ve been unsure and uncomfortable with my otherwise great partner from the beginning but it’s becoming unbearable now. How do you know it’s your attachment style and not just a lack of attraction in general?
Well I was like this for years but I kept pushing to stop those feelings and now I’ve been dating the same guy for almost two years. Would have been a huge mistake if I would’ve caved and gave up
Did you know the answer ?
@@struggle9394 I couldn’t go on and to be honest I don’t regret ending it at all. I’m a very independent person who enjoys dating other independent and driven people, hence why someone who gives and demands attention 24/7 is just simply not compatible with me
Where you attracted to his physical? Or did you crave a better looking partner ?
@@kaylabennett3149 hmm it’s not that he was a bad looking guy but he didn’t have the charisma and cheeky vibe that I’m usually attracted to! Not at all my type personality wise
Hello. My partner was experiencing the same things and unfortunately, I did not realize it was due to his attachment style at that time. We have broken up and in limited contact as I am giving him space. Our relationship has been nothing but filled with love and kindness. I did made some cardinal mistakes of being overly nice. I'm now working on that. Have you got any tips on repairing a relationship and possibly bringing back an avoidant to the relationship?
Oh wow... I experience this!
I am so glad I found you channel🥺😒
I have experienced this and unfortunately as he had low self esteem it destroyed our relationship and we got divorced, having a partner who understands and can communicate openly and without judgement would be ideal
Thank you for sharing. I know it can be really hard.
I recommend to anyone facing issues like this with their partner consider also the possibility that they may have ROCD or relationship OCD. Just to check because it really needs extra support!
Thank you!❤
I can’t thank you enough for your content. I’ve watched so many videos today and just cried and cried. I’ve never related more to someone’s stories and examples. Thank you ❤
What if it‘s the other way round? The boy I was dating wasn‘t ready to commit yet. But I was, so I think that I’m not afraid to let him to get too close to me. But after a couple monts of dating (and him still not beeing ready to commit which means he can‘t give me the love and attention I need) I lost attraction. I was sure that I can give him the time he needs and wait for him because I didn’t want to lose him. But now my attraction is gone and today I „broke up“ with him even though I still want him so bad. He even told me he wants a relationship with me if I give him the time that he needs but my attraction is already gone but I think I still love him.
Oh my god I put SO MUCH stock into what my friends and family say! If they say anything at all, I have doubts and think I’m making a mistake. It’s horrible!
How do you even find a good partner as fearful avoidant? Right now I feel repulsed but everyone…or attracted strongly to other insecurely attached men who are totally wrong for me. I’ve been single most of my 30s…I know the repulsion well too….I want a good relationship but I feel so little interest in anyone who would make a potentially stable partner. ☹️
Did your husband by chance have a former history of FA etc or trauma that helped him be so understanding? I think all souls meet for a reason. I believe I was FA long ago and after final trauma of divorce and 6 years introspection am now secure. I know someone who I believe is FA and would like them to know I understand what they are going through. Any suggestions how to broach this assumption of they are unaware of the attachment style…. Thank you. Fantastic video and honesty! Cheers
Girrrrlll tha k you soooo much for .qkong this video