Growing up in a family that exemplified both toxic traits as well as religious extremism, boy do i relate. My entire parental approach to my son was “not how i was raised” and i did the polar opposite instead. It worked. It wasnt until he was a teenager that i realized it was working wonderfully. He is almost 25, and just bought some acreage a few hours away in order to create the life he wants for himself. I am so proud of the young man he is and the fun loving, easy, open relationship i have with him is proof that allowing your child freedom to express who they are absolutely works. Thank you for sharing this ❤
The way you are raising your children and your thoughts you've expressed in this video are the reasons I think you are an awesome mom. I was raised in very abusive environment and at the age of 48 I recognize the many ways my family has stunted my emotional and mental development. Even with more than a decade of intensive mental health therapy I still struggle with healthy, consistent relationships. I chose to not have children in part because I know I'm lacking in the skills to raise children in a healthy manner. I have a great deal of love, compassion and empathy for children. I do all I can to help children whenever I see an opportunity, but giving birth to or adopting would not have been a good choice for the child's/children's sake.(P.S. I'm a female to male trans, so I can relate to a female's perspective.)
I'm in a fairly socially conservative place, a lot of people were surprised at how I Iet my children express their own opinions and negotiate with me. I've made mistakes, no doubt. But now they're adults I like, they're funny and smart. They ask for advice, but make their own decisions. I read two things a long time ago that guided a lot of my healthier parenting. 1. A mother is not for leaning on, a mother is supposed to make leaning unnecessary. 2. In dysfunctional families they do not let their children go. Therefore I encouraged my children to go and be independent. Finally, in reading Cheryl Mendelsohn's book "Home Comforts" I learned about the rights of members of a home, so I taught my kids, 'Home is the place where when we get there, they have to take us in.' This was an important and valuable topic and video Angela. I have met people so enmeshed they have let their parents use up their whole lives, never marrying or even having relationships, no children or home of their own. It makes me sad and angry for them.
Great video. As someone who was unschooled until I was 10, and then completed middle / highschool in a homeschool based charter, this is really fascinating to me. I have two young children of my own now, and I want to encourage them to pursue what interests them while also sharing what interests me. I've been watching your videos for a few days and you have a lifelong subscriber now! Helps too that we're in the same city!
Oh my goodness. How did I miss this one?! Excellent topic. Definitely doesn’t just apply to homeschooling/unschooling but I can see where it would be easier to creep up there when it may not otherwise. I am having such a rough time with my 15 almost 16 year old son. I grew up with a single mom who overshared and we were enmeshed. She dealt with a lot of abuse and trauma in her childhood and was doing the best she could but I did not have a healthy childhood in multiple ways. When I had my son I wanted to do things differently. I thought by attachment parenting I would help him to feel very secure by the time he was an adolescent. Now it seems I have inadvertently created a situation where he is not secure…for instance as I am about to go away for a week and he gets anxious, clingy and sad. Also somehow he feels responsible for me when I have done my utmost best not to overshare or put any of my burdens on him. Lately I feel like ya can’t win for trying! We are both in therapy and working on things. Parenting is hard and finding a healthy balance seems even harder. Just sharing.
Thank you again for your thoughts. It is so helpful to hear how you word things. It really helps me to explain to family why I feel that my children are their own people and that they deserve the same respect as any other person that is alive on the planet.
Yet another fasinating topic. Yes self regulation is so important as a parent. Its a joy to watch my kids develop their own interests and make their own paths. In reflection upon my background in an enmeshed family its a little sad that i didnt find the freedom to develop my own interests until i reached my 40s. Better late than never though!
Excellent information! My husband and I strive to have healthy relationships with our four daughters. We are a homeschool family. If our older girls were going to babysit the younger sisters, they were hired and payed as babysitters. We wanted to teach them the value of their time and money.
Loved this! These are always things I'm trying to watch for in my parenting. Totally applicable to those of us who are not unschooling or homeschooling, too. It was really helpful to hear your examples, as they helped me think about a familiar topic in new ways. Thanks!!
Quick question here how do you set a boundary around giving your children autonomy when they’re young but also knowing what is best for them physically? We also hike and my daughter went through a phase when she fought it a lot. She’s only five. But for her, when she would have emotional outburst, nature was very therapeutic for her, and while she couldn’t understand that every single time we would Make her go outside on a walk or take some deep breaths she was always a happy person after, and it works so well for us. But I don’t want it to be something that’s always a nonnegotiable.
That emotional parentification is really a bad oattern bc this cab continue even when your kids are adults and move out. It also keeps kids from learning emotional boundaries with others
really good points! We are showing them how to have good boundaries and healthy communication with other people, not just us. Let's set them up for success!
VERY true. I just see them both more often with homeschoolers -especially as some parenting/homeschooling philosophies lend themselves toward these behaviors pretty heavily. But then again, I have a skewed view of things since we know more homeschool kids than non homeschool
100% disagree with you, I have 5 kids and we unschool, they all need to help out around the house there is no way in hell that I would raise my kids to believe they dont have to help out the family or household chores. So many unschoolers ive met are narcissistic and selfish for this very reason, they have been raised to believe that they can get a free ride out of life because they didnt "choose to be born". My kids and I have a wonderful bond and they've been taught to clean up after themselves and look out for their siblings, only in the west would we even think its a good thing to raise such self centered children
I’m not sure how you got “my kids don’t need to help out around the house“ from me saying they shouldn’t be parentIfied. my kids absolutely help out around the house, and I talk excessively on this channel about how important it is, that all members of a household contribute to the running of a household. I think we must run in very different Unschooling circles, because I have not seen any narcissistic unschoolers. I have not seen selfish kids. I have seen kids that are good at having boundaries and advocating for their own needs and are not willing to be, nor expected to be “kid mamas” for their siblings.
Growing up in a family that exemplified both toxic traits as well as religious extremism, boy do i relate. My entire parental approach to my son was “not how i was raised” and i did the polar opposite instead. It worked. It wasnt until he was a teenager that i realized it was working wonderfully. He is almost 25, and just bought some acreage a few hours away in order to create the life he wants for himself. I am so proud of the young man he is and the fun loving, easy, open relationship i have with him is proof that allowing your child freedom to express who they are absolutely works. Thank you for sharing this ❤
The way you are raising your children and your thoughts you've expressed in this video are the reasons I think you are an awesome mom. I was raised in very abusive environment and at the age of 48 I recognize the many ways my family has stunted my emotional and mental development. Even with more than a decade of intensive mental health therapy I still struggle with healthy, consistent relationships. I chose to not have children in part because I know I'm lacking in the skills to raise children in a healthy manner. I have a great deal of love, compassion and empathy for children. I do all I can to help children whenever I see an opportunity, but giving birth to or adopting would not have been a good choice for the child's/children's sake.(P.S. I'm a female to male trans, so I can relate to a female's perspective.)
I'm in a fairly socially conservative place, a lot of people were surprised at how I Iet my children express their own opinions and negotiate with me. I've made mistakes, no doubt. But now they're adults I like, they're funny and smart. They ask for advice, but make their own decisions.
I read two things a long time ago that guided a lot of my healthier parenting.
1. A mother is not for leaning on, a mother is supposed to make leaning unnecessary.
2. In dysfunctional families they do not let their children go. Therefore I encouraged my children to go and be independent.
Finally, in reading Cheryl Mendelsohn's book "Home Comforts" I learned about the rights of members of a home, so I taught my kids, 'Home is the place where when we get there, they have to take us in.'
This was an important and valuable topic and video Angela. I have met people so enmeshed they have let their parents use up their whole lives, never marrying or even having relationships, no children or home of their own. It makes me sad and angry for them.
Great video. As someone who was unschooled until I was 10, and then completed middle / highschool in a homeschool based charter, this is really fascinating to me. I have two young children of my own now, and I want to encourage them to pursue what interests them while also sharing what interests me. I've been watching your videos for a few days and you have a lifelong subscriber now! Helps too that we're in the same city!
Oh my goodness. How did I miss this one?! Excellent topic. Definitely doesn’t just apply to homeschooling/unschooling but I can see where it would be easier to creep up there when it may not otherwise.
I am having such a rough time with my 15 almost 16 year old son.
I grew up with a single mom who overshared and we were enmeshed. She dealt with a lot of abuse and trauma in her childhood and was doing the best she could but I did not have a healthy childhood in multiple ways.
When I had my son I wanted to do things differently. I thought by attachment parenting I would help him to feel very secure by the time he was an adolescent. Now it seems I have inadvertently created a situation where he is not secure…for instance as I am about to go away for a week and he gets anxious, clingy and sad. Also somehow he feels responsible for me when I have done my utmost best not to overshare or put any of my burdens on him.
Lately I feel like ya can’t win for trying! We are both in therapy and working on things. Parenting is hard and finding a healthy balance seems even harder. Just sharing.
Thank you again for your thoughts. It is so helpful to hear how you word things. It really helps me to explain to family why I feel that my children are their own people and that they deserve the same respect as any other person that is alive on the planet.
Yet another fasinating topic. Yes self regulation is so important as a parent. Its a joy to watch my kids develop their own interests and make their own paths. In reflection upon my background in an enmeshed family its a little sad that i didnt find the freedom to develop my own interests until i reached my 40s. Better late than never though!
Excellent information! My husband and I strive to have healthy relationships with our four daughters. We are a homeschool family. If our older girls were going to babysit the younger sisters, they were hired and payed as babysitters. We wanted to teach them the value of their time and money.
Loved this! These are always things I'm trying to watch for in my parenting. Totally applicable to those of us who are not unschooling or homeschooling, too. It was really helpful to hear your examples, as they helped me think about a familiar topic in new ways. Thanks!!
What a great commentary. I appreciate your well thought out ideas and concepts.
I love your parenting videos. They are so helpful and informative.
A thoughtful and useful commentary. Thank you.
Great philosophies to live by… Thanks Angela…I appreciate you sharing your expereinces!!
Quick question here how do you set a boundary around giving your children autonomy when they’re young but also knowing what is best for them physically? We also hike and my daughter went through a phase when she fought it a lot. She’s only five. But for her, when she would have emotional outburst, nature was very therapeutic for her, and while she couldn’t understand that every single time we would Make her go outside on a walk or take some deep breaths she was always a happy person after, and it works so well for us. But I don’t want it to be something that’s always a nonnegotiable.
At 9 I had to be a caregiver for my sister and I really resented it. I have never had children and it might be part of thec reason why.
Well said!
That emotional parentification is really a bad oattern bc this cab continue even when your kids are adults and move out. It also keeps kids from learning emotional boundaries with others
really good points! We are showing them how to have good boundaries and healthy communication with other people, not just us. Let's set them up for success!
Thank you!
It doesn't seem these are just for homeschooling families 😅 parenting 101 more likely title 😂
VERY true. I just see them both more often with homeschoolers -especially as some parenting/homeschooling philosophies lend themselves toward these behaviors pretty heavily. But then again, I have a skewed view of things since we know more homeschool kids than non homeschool
100% disagree with you, I have 5 kids and we unschool, they all need to help out around the house there is no way in hell that I would raise my kids to believe they dont have to help out the family or household chores. So many unschoolers ive met are narcissistic and selfish for this very reason, they have been raised to believe that they can get a free ride out of life because they didnt "choose to be born". My kids and I have a wonderful bond and they've been taught to clean up after themselves and look out for their siblings, only in the west would we even think its a good thing to raise such self centered children
I’m not sure how you got “my kids don’t need to help out around the house“ from me saying they shouldn’t be parentIfied. my kids absolutely help out around the house, and I talk excessively on this channel about how important it is, that all members of a household contribute to the running of a household. I think we must run in very different Unschooling circles, because I have not seen any narcissistic unschoolers. I have not seen selfish kids. I have seen kids that are good at having boundaries and advocating for their own needs and are not willing to be, nor expected to be “kid mamas” for their siblings.