How Vulnerability Dies in Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 28 сен 2024
- • 7 Signs They Are "THE ...
Vulnerability dies in relationships when we intentionally or unintentionally punish our partner for sharing how they are actually feeling (sad, mad, scared, excited, nervous, ashamed, etc)
When we refuse to hold space for our partners true emotions or needs, they will naturally start to pull away from those types of relationships.
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Hiding who we are and failing to feel and express our needs destroys our relationship with OURSELVES. And that, in turn, destroys any intimate relationship we might want to have.
I'm silent now because I've gotten tired of giving and expressing my love language only to feel depleted and hear apologies with no change.
This is a good point. I also think it's important to know how to have boundaries. Sometimes people are not emotionally available and you need to find yourself a safe place to open up
This hid hard & true for me. I have been married for 24 yrs& I’m tired of fighting my corner, the love has gone, for sure. Everything you said is me right now. I just didn’t know how to say it so perfectly.
I’m tired& burnt out, unhappy, stagnant& sick of being ignored& disregarded & mocked
I hope you have found the courage to seek your path and stop being hurt. I'm on the same journey. Be blessed.
Thankful for early exposure, as I don't have time for abuse anymore.
14 year time-line:
Year 1: Fun and kindness, willingness to talk about feelings, forgive, try again..... met with dismissive, sarcastic, hurtful statements.
Year 2: Feeling unsure, but still trying. Honest, assertive, trying to work on marriage.... met with dismissive, sarcastic, hurtful and belittling statements.
Year 3: Busy with babies, not too worried about marriage.... on autopilot.
Year 5: Month long break with babies at moms. Remembered how little support and how little babies mean in my family. Went back determined to work on marriage... husband surprised and seemed glad that we were back.... no real change. Still spending all his spare time drinking with friends.
Year 6: Bought a house together. 6 months later, husband went to work in another state. Became a married, single parent. Husband visits one weekend per month.
Year 7: Discussed effects of separation on kids and marriage. Husband continues to visit one weekend per month, kids have nightmares for a week after he leaves..... and???
Year 8: Sold house, went to state where husband works. He moved 4 hours away, visits every other weekend. Discussed marriage. He does not want to work on it. He says separation is permanent. He will pay bills, I will raise kids, open marriage.
Year 9: He bought a house and moved us back to home state as a family, to start over. He is drinking more than ever. I had no say in house, or area. It's his money right? Lasted 3 months and he went back to out of state job.
Year 10: He visits one weekend per month, and mostly parties with his friends. He is still dismissive, harsh, hurtful. Arguments are occasionally physical.
Year 11: He has a GF, wants a divorce. Wants house, kids, I "should just leave." I insist on getting a degree first.
Year 11-13: He works out of state. We are in separate relationships. I get my degree and a job. He lies often about wanting to stay together, but does not want to live together or help raise kids. He does not want to work on marriage, just wants to be accepted for who he is.... an absent, rude, dismissive, abusive drunk.
Year 14: He asks for a divorce via text. We get divorced. I keep the kids and the house (including the house payment.)
Year 25: Still not sure I want to show vulnerability or openness to any man. Good with adult kids, grandkids, family, friends and a great job!!❤
Nobody deserves that pain, I hope you and you’re kids are doing well and you’re getting any support you need ❤
Quite true. Once you are invalidated/mocked for letting your needs known, you can never be vulnerable again. Also when you understand that the other individual does not value the relationship as much as you do, you slowly detach from it. Willingness to continue the connection/relation is a responsibility of both individuals, afterall. If it doesn't matter for one of the participants, the other one eventually loses interest. It is wise to accept that it must have been an illusion of a connection initially and not an authentic one. Forced connections don't work, better let it rest.
Thank you so much for sharing the video!🌷🙏🏻
Jimmy, thank you so much for showing us the other end of avoidance! ❤
In my relationship with my mom, she doesn’t have the courage to show up vulnerably with me or even more importantly with herself. Emotionally I’m very sensitive yet stronger than she is. After she destroyed the trust I had in her I chose to stay in relationship but it’s limited to how much contact I can handle. I come first now, not her expectations or guilt trips. If I feel guilty I remind myself that my distance is the natural consequence of her actions. I sure as hell didn’t choose this situation and I can’t fix it alone. Believe me, I wasted years trying. It doesn’t work!
I wish this channel talked more about non-romantic relationships. Because other relationships suffer similar problems.
My mother does open up to me, but shuts down when I open up. Then I get frustrated and she gets pissed that “she just can’t say anything right.”
All I want is for her to listen and believe my experiences and feelings are real. No jokes. No searching for random solutions. No minimizing my feelings. Just listen.
@@dragletsofmakara1120 You can try channels focusing on childhood issues. There is a whole community out there. Maybe Patrick Teahan could be an option, or Jerry Wise. I feel that this channel and the other ones have the same baseline, but use a different viewpoint.
@@anner.413 Thank you. I will check these recommendations out. I see lots of videos talking about parent psychology and how it affects growing up. But I struggle to find ways to talk to a toxic parent adult to adult.
"My distance is the natural consequence of her actions." 💯
@@dragletsofmakara1120 I understand totally. I think these videos can totally be applied to non-romantic relationships. That's why I mentioned my mom. Same principles apply. The hard part is accepting the other person may not ever change but we can waste our lives looking for the perfect words to make it happen. Therapy helped me accept my mom's limitations and get the validation I needed from MYSELF because that's the only validation that ever really works. If I can do it, you can too. It just takes time and lots of self-compassion and patience with yourself. Reading Brene Brown books also really helped me a lot. You can be free whether your mom ever understands you or not. Hugs from Maryland.
Thank you for your videos short and long! Great food for thought.
One suggestion, please add an extra 5-10 sec of padding to the end of the clips. I want to hear you to the end and then have time to pause the video to reflect. Currently, I have to stop the video before the end or else RUclips jumps to the next one and breaks my train of thought.
thank you ! , you have described it pretty well ! feels to me the same, I think !
Exactly!!!
I know when in relationships, past trauma can be an issue but it is not your place to heal that for them, it is on them to do that healing. It is possible to heal together but it takes two, to want to be vulnerable to open up to let the healing start. Otherwise you will stay in a cycle with someone emotionally unattached over and over. Those types of relationships are painful. Know your boundaries and when enough is enough. I also know talking, having support, and doing the work when coming out of these types of relationships is upmost important and necessary to heal from.
Thanks Jimmy for your awesome guidance for teaching and helping the healing process of making a decision to stay or go in these types of relationships.
For two years I was walking on eggshells because my partner has schizophrenia and every word I say could be perceived in a delusional way. I unlearned to be my vulnerable me around him because he constantly perceives me as a threat he needs to protect himself from. I know he loves me and so do I. But I will never be the same again and will have to actively learn again how to be vulnerable.
Does not die, it gets destroyed.
And this is so very not just about romantic relationships. It's relationships, period.
I couldn’t agree more! Thank you for creating and sharing!
So spot on and so painfull at the same time. I feel so sad for what we could have had.
I'm struggling with this right now. I've lived my entire life by ignoring my needs and seeking external validation to feel like i was "enough". But now I'm trying to be different and its so hard and feels foreign to me...
Amen! Well said, Jimmy!!
This so much.
What if they get angry when we are struggling and ask for support? Like why could that happen?
Jimmy please assist is it wrong to have female friends / hang out with female colleagues at work when married. Only work setting, why does it cause so much trouble in relationships? When honestly it's really innocent.
But I don't want to lose what little I have 😭
So True ❤
Question! I would like to advocate for my legitimate need for independence. As avoidant, too much selflessness is draining me, I need time alone taking care of my life. But watching those video I feel guilty to feel that way. What do you think ?
Truth! ❤
How do we deal with a needy person in a relationship? How to set healthy boundaries, if they are too attached to one? When you do a lot for them, and still not good enough...
Be by their side and reassure them from time to time and speak to them truthfully that you are with them
I'm convinced this is a big reason for men going their own way. They can't find a relationship where they can safely express their emotions, so they choose to remain single
😢I dont want this to be true but it is, year after yr I have asked 😒 I don't wanna let go I love him so much but I'm losing myself 💔 I feel I have wasted 10yrs of my life
💛💛
❤
‼️👑☯️✨🕊️👍😌👌🕊️✨☯️👑‼️
I got burned really hard on this one. My (now EX) GF just couldn't understand why I'm bringing up things like not being okay with not meeting for a month when we have all the possibilities. She brushed it off as me getting on her nerves and her having a solid reasons for doing so like planned meetings with friends which in the end didn't even happen. I'm fine with person meeting friends, doing some stuff alone, giving each other a room to breathe, etc. I'm not fine, however, when I'm feeling like a 3rd wheel in their life and they take my possible presence for granted and can freely decide when (and if) they even want to meet at all. It had to end because if I'm being honest and nice about things that matter to me and all I can hear is excuses or brushing it off - it just can't work out.
This. Also, the act of standing up for yourself is essential to your own mental health. You can’t control people’s reactions to what is said, but you can control how you respond.
Please understand that time is something you'll never get back. So please start treating yourself with the love, kindness and patience that you deserve every day.
This video couldn't have found me at a more appropriate time.
Same 💯
Same
You're just a really cool guy, and a good person. That's all I wanted to say 😊 Thanks for all these videos, they're great, and your energy and personality make your messages easy to take in and hear 😊
Lived like this for years with someone who just wanted to stay for the kids. It killed me inside, but moving on is vary liberating. I'm dipping my toes in the water now in the dating scene, but that's not an honest approach of what I want. 💔
This hurts because it’s literally the story of my soon to be ex husband and me. I’d try to be vulnerable against my better judgement and he’d repeatedly show me I wasn’t going to get what I needed unless I got it myself or yelled. Have literally watched him leave me for hours after begging for emotional support against every bit of my better judgement (if I ask, I really really need it and he knows that), but now I’m mean and dismissive. After 17 years of trying to leave, staying against my better judgement, rinse and repeat. He’s not a monster and I’m no angel, but this really hit a nerve. Swear I’ll never trust another person. It never worked for me in the past and I’m not stupid enough to keep risking the pain. Deadass, I’d rather be lonely.
In a very vulnerable way, no raised voices, just a few tears actually, and quite ones, not sobbing, I shared how those few years back , when i broke down and threw myself on my nans lap, really sobbing and saying "This is all i ever wanted, this is all i ever wanted", 😭 (hugs and comfort and soothing as she never showed none when she brought me up) and she just sat still like a robot, waited until I got off and then carried on like nothing had happened. I brought this up the other day, in a vunlerable way, and she just said ,"i dont remememer". RIGHT. So something that was deeply vulnerable and hurtful and traumatising for me, you just "dont rememeber". (I didnt say this, just said, okay, as theres no point with her, ive tried endleslsy before and just get dismissed) So no wonder I dont feel seen or loved.
Indeed. And if she does show you who she is by going radio silent when you ask what it is she wants from the relationship, or what it would take to have a close, intimate relationship in ALL definitions of that, then thank her for showing who she is through her silence, or passive aggressiveness or whatever.
Then tell her that you didn't sign up for this and if she wants better, this is the name of a marriage counselor. If she's serious about a relationship that is fulfilling for the two of you, she can make an appointment.
Otherwise, you'll call your attorney and start a divorce.
Don't just wait for years for her to come out from behind her walls, or ultimately choose an affair over doing the work.
Well said, this was my partner also 12 years i ask him how he feels what he wants to which all I ever got was silence, I told him to go it’s been 2 months very hard progress but I know I will have a better,brighter and happier future without him amen to that!
@@lisaeveleigh1334I'm sorry you had to experience this. It took a few more years of living as roommates and her affair for me to get the message.
I'm a decent engineer, but slow to pick up on relationship related things.
Twenty years later, I know so much more and still learn every day.
It took awhile for my husband to learn that if he wanted to have that closeness, it wasn’t only on my end that changes needed to happen, that the physical comes from the emotional and psychological closeness. You cannot ask what is needed and then get mad when the person says you need to change.
@@TheBaumcm - yes, but how do you proceed when, as indicated in my post, the person says nothing?
They have to give you some actionable feedback. If they just go radio silent, as I indicated, there is nothing to work with or on.
Turns out it was not safe lmao. She wasn't the person I thought she was either.
Okay. I feel like there is a contradiction in this video. You start the video by giving examples of sarcasm, passive aggressiveness and yelling. Which are ways a person distances themselves from their partner because they dont want to share their authentic selves. Then you're saying "be your authentic self, and if they distance themselves from you after that, well, they showed who they really are." So, "we" deserve compassion when we distance ourselves but when "they" do it, it must be "who they really are" and they really must not care? This feels unfair, and again, contradictory.
You must’ve missed the part where you said that you began by asking nicely. Being your authentic self, from what I understood of this clip, is bringing your unmet needs forward in the spirit of communication and conflict resolution, which is where most empaths start before being ignored.
@@TheBaumcm That's besides the point. It still stands that we're being empathetic and forgiving to ourselves for distancing ourselves from others but we dont do the same for our life partner.
I understand. But how to fix this situation?
I can’t mention any vulnerability, I can’t even tell him about my recent ADHD diagnosis. While the diagnosis has helped me better understand my foibles, I now that he will use it to further blame me for his idiocy.
I just listened to this multiple times and I have this tightness in my stomach because I understand that it’s true, the physical reaction I have to do the exact opposite though is actually stopping me. It’s not only unfair to myself but also unfair to my current partner because he isn’t the one who instilled the physical reaction to shutting down. I think I’m going to listen a few more times at least, and hopefully get past that immobilizing physical reaction that won’t even allow me to open my mouth about just normal couples stuff.
But what if they feel it isn't a relationship but a friendship even though they had the benefits of being helped financially, emotionally and mentally? What defines a relationship? What is the definition of a relationship? 💙
You made me cry
True dat
Why stay?
I just wrote my husband a letter today that this video sums up exactly how the relationship is.
Maybe he has a reason for behaving this way, and your letter will give him the incentive to face it and open up?🤷🏼♀️
This was a short but excellent info! ❤
"is that scary ??
of course, it is ! "
thank you very much, you are so much appreciated ! ♥
Nice 👍