When Your Ex Vilifies You
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- Опубликовано: 27 авг 2024
- In this video, Coach Ken discusses the ins and outs of breakups that suddenly flip you as the villain.
It can be someone that tells you they "just can't get over the past" or claiming you're a threat to them despite you never being abusive. It can make a brutal
To book a coaching call with Coach Ken:
dotheyloveme.com/
Coach Ken is the man!
Agreed 1k percent.
Hey 👋 there Coach Lee! 🤝
Always nice when the man refers to you as the man!
@@LonelyRider87 Hey LonelyRider!
Facts
Nothing quite so earth shattering as being told by the person you love deeply that you make them feel insecure and self conscious. Especially when you know you treated them well. 3 months no contact now.
You have to deal with 2 losses - the loss of them and the loss of the version of you they made you feel like you were
Blame shifted it on to YOU. That’s insane.
@CoachKen loss of who i am is explained by this.
At least yours told you. Mine def felt that way, for several reasons, and tbh, I understand. I think I was too unpredictable for her. And I’ve thought about it, and I kinda was. Her words exactly were that she liked the mystery but it was just too much and she couldn’t handle it. I wouldn’t say I’m a douchebag, but I’ve def been called a player. Something Pat Stedman says is that women need desire and comfort. (Good read btw.) she wrestles with anxiety already and though she desires me she never felt like she could relax with me. In the bright side, if they desired you as one point but felt insecure, you have a better chance than if it was the other way around.
It really does hurt when they make you the enemy. I admit I begged and pleaded
Update?
Of course you did, because you had no idea how the person that loved you so much suddenly saw you as a monster. It's very disorienting. But you need to realize that it's nothing you did. These are mentally unstable people who are totally incapable of healthy relationships unless they get intensive treatment.
Good stuff.. she definitely made me feel like the most amazing person in the world to the worst...felt like I died when she took her love away
Your description of how it feels when your BPD ex redefines you as terrifying/paints you as a stalker and you lose that beautiful connection that you were so proud of hits home very hard. I may need to book a call.
About a week ago my ex that i loved with all my heart “split” on me & has now been making outlandish claims of abuse that NEVER happened! It breaks my heart! I have no history of anything like that and never would do those things. I have been FORCED into a no-contact with an order of protection. So many words i want to say….. but i cant…. Everyday im struggling with my brain romancing the “good times” and its eating me alive. These videos are the only thing giving me momentary relief at the moment.
Hey I’m sorry about your situation. This just happened to me too. Was three weeks no contact, then asked for my stuff back from her place, with a simple ‘hope you’re doing well’. Blocked and ignored me after I asked. My sister had to contact her, and she says she never wants to contact me again, and said I’ve always been abusive, with more horrible claims that I’d never even think of doing. It’s so hurtful and makes you question what was real and not when someone you’ve loved so hard views you as dirt. I hope things have gotten better for your case. Stay strong
This is the BPD thing. When they split on you they view you as "abusive" even that before split they liked everything about you.
@@specialk6434 u have a right to yr stuff but not worth it if they’re replaceable-- move on and be strong but feel it too! Don’t suppress it just say today i give this an hr to cry scream break stuff that’s the time limit for today or start with more then tier down. Maybe spend a little time deep diving to recognize any part of you that may have attracted this.
'a lot of douchbags can't take accountability for their manipulation '
Damn this breakup is getting easier. Thank you couch Ken 😊
Thanks coach Ken.
It does feel like I lost a future & had the good times with my ex rewritten to some degree.
At times it even seems like the the person I was before I met her has been called into question by being rejected.
But my conscience is clean & I know I always showed up & tried my best for our relationship & that has to be enough to feel okay now.
Why is anyone wanting to get BACK with someone who "villified" them? Makes no sense. As a man you need to learn to accept such a breakup as a blessing, because clearly you picked the wrong woman.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Because they keep hoping the person they fell in love with so quickly is still there somewhere. It needs to be understood that BPD types have a way of making you feel like the center of their universe in the idealization phase and that's what their significant others keep hanging onto.
I am guilty of falling into the same trap myself. That's why I went back to mine a month after I walked away, but it only took another couple of weeks for me to realize I didn't make a mistake by leaving the first time. It's just learning from experience.
I went from being the” love of their life” literally best friend the most rock n roll thing ever to witnessing something so unreal and crazy and then ending up in jail for something totally false Aswell as being treated like I never existed.
Not only did the person I was with die but so did a piece of me.
12 break ups in 1 year and this is the worst.
i’ve never felt more seen before. your videos are amazing ken. almost brings me to tears. i know i’m genuinely a good person, and i’ve done many of these things, like reaching out to family post-breakup and didn’t understand why it hurt them so much more. i wanted marriage and kids with this person and this has been one of the toughest lessons of my life. thank you so much
So sorry you're going through it - I know how painful that can be. Deep breath - don't fight that anxiety but don't trust it when it tells you things are hopeless
I am back together with my girlfriend who broke up a few months back. During that time she unfriended me on social media. Now that we are back together and I'm friends on social media again and went through her old posts and read how she thought of me as a monster. She never mentioned me by name but she was saying I was abusive (despite doing everything to try to make her feel safe) she made fun of the times I helped her financially she made fun of my struggles I was going through at the time. I couldn't believe what I was reading. I asked her about it and she deleted the posts and said her feelings have changed. To be fair, she does have BPD, but I'm realizing she has a completely different view of me and she will tell everyone on social media for attention. But then she realizes I am good man and wants me back. However it's only a matter of time before she starts viewing me like that again.
I'm sorry and you're so right. Hope you're ok now.
Are you sure she actually loves you and isn't just back with you to use you financially?.. The man I love went back t o his ex who used to use him for his money and cheat on him.. user women will be sweet as our to get what they want...dont close yourself to be with a user or you will miss out on a woman who really loves you
I hope you ran from her since then and haven't looked back, because you're right that it's only a matter of time.
This video inspired me to dig deep and write the most sincere peice of writing that has ever came out of me. I wrote 4 drafts from 8pm to 3am. Put it in a envelope with a message, "Open when you're ready" The first time I saw her after she bailed and moved out while I was at work, I gave her this apology / writing and in about 24 hours I got a call from her in tears, crying saying she was sorry and still loved me. Though I know I was not fully at fault here, this allowed me to put the pain aside for a moment and step into her shoes to see what could have caused her to leave. Now Im working at getting my family back together. My littler 3yo daughter and her mother. Im not sure this would have happened without this video and insight... Thank you Coach Ken.. Forever gratful.
The way you articulate things coach Ken is really amazing and makes you standout from all the other coaches out there… I listen to you not because I want answers or solutions, but because you really give me a peace of mind.. keep up the marvellous work coach 👏
Of alllll the gurus on RUclips rt now I have to say Coach Ken, you are so insightful. And I am not even here for these reasons. I appreciate your knowledge and experience and expertise. And your ability to articulate one’s thought process from both sides.
Thank you so much for this video.
My ex couldn't get past 'issues' she conjured up with me. There may have been issues, non of which warrant being discarded. Things to work upon, sure. We had differences, yes but at heart the same moral code and of values. Love, passion and good humour.
I told her I didn't want the break up but always end up saying 'I respect your decision', give her what she thinks she wants and tunnel into no contact.
This video is pure GOLD for romantic Defcon 1 situations xD
He tore my soul apart. I stood by him, showed him kindess and understanding. Held him accountable, his family are toxic and don't hold him accountable. Four years and he monkey branched to a girl who is literally everything he said he doesn't like. He changed his profile pic to him and her a week later! Blocked me on text msgs. I am so confused!? How can he be genuinely happy with her? Im starting to think it was all a lie and i never actually meant anything to him. He is an a$$ but i TRULY never thought he would be so cruel to me!? Why? What we had was genuinely rare! He said i meant more to him than he own family....but then he just cuts me out like i am nothing! 😭 I am so unbelievably broken from this. To just move on - and he moves fast! Without even a goodbye or an explanation or apology or a chsbce to even speak to him. Its been two month's and its just hit me all over again. Im taking days off! I thought i was getting better!? Omg im so lost.
I'm so sorry for your pain. I hope you went into no contact and did not respond to his breadcrumbs. Can you give any update?
Its crazy. I dated someone for a few months and really was crazy about him, he decided he wasnt ready for a relationship and blocked me because I wanted to talk. This was in September and now he is relentlessly chasing me and I will not give him time of day. What changed? Who knows… I know you cannot change the nature of the chase for a male, and getting the un-gettable always being what we want.
6:34-6:35 Absolutely Coach Ken 💯. Nothing but truth from start to finish!!! Thank you!
This is exactly what happened to me
Thank you so much, Ken, it happened to me in 2 relationships in a raw, the 1st was diagnosed as a narcissist and the second, is probably having serious attachment issues, narcissist or borderline, so scary...
Ken, this is a terrific video! ❤ You're excellent!
Coach Ken! I’ve received coaching with you a couple times in past couple years. You have an amazing way of giving the information and details articulated in the time you have in your videos that pull things full circle with the MOST INCREDIBLE & FULL CIRCLE MEANINGFUL WAY! Ik it’s because you’ve had your own share of moments in your life! Thank you for being you! There’s no way anyone one of us could ever repay you for the work you do for us here! Thank you for what you do! You’re absolutely a true gem 💎 Alisa
Coach LEE is amazing also! Do t want to forget to give props where due! I started with listening to coach Lee videos and found you in coaching, then realized you have videos also! The pi both have your niches! I’ve had on replay coach Lee and coach Ken! High recommendation to all! Put it on replay, fall asleep listening, give yourself a break think about the information you’re receiving! Receive the information, not just listen! Guarantee knowing what you’re dealing with is half the battle.
Learn(get information)
Accept
Keep learning
Continue to accept,
Repeat!
Be willing to walk away from anything unhealthy, remember true strength is in accepting, accountability, learning, personal growth and development, (now you’re outgrowing them anyway)
Do NOT REACH OUT OF YOIRE THE DUMPEE! You can do it and you’ll surprise yourself!
Be okay with relearning who you are alone for awhile… even if it’s what others may refer to as (boring) say okay, whatever I’m working on me and I’m not gonna explain myself, repeat again! Day by day like coach Lee mentioned in one of these q&as, one day at a time! Even if none agrees with your process! It’s your process! As long as you’re seeing movement probably not day to day progress but week to week, for those of us who take longer.., but check yoire progress! Be happy with a pen and paper! Then you won’t feel the need to reach out or re state to others around you exhausting your family and friends of things. Pen and paper is meditation for me anyways and keeps me getting my thoughts out without reaching out!
Articulating someone else pain coach Ken sets the standard here! If someone comes back to me and doesn’t articulate my pain, next! Because I know I’m a good person and a bad person won’t do this, it’ll still about them when they come back!! 😊
Absolutely pain gives you character!!!
Thanks Alisa! Means a lot for you to take the time to share that!
My pleasure 😇
OMG this is so to the point on what I am going through now. What makes the situation worse is that we were childhood friends who met up again many years later, so there are two relationships I have lost. And I am being blamed for things that I didn't even do!
Coach Ken, you are simply good. Your videos have been very helpful to me. So grateful I discovered you. You're the best!!!
This is so unfairly and unjustly happening to me right now. Thanks for the insight.
Spot on once again, Coach ken! Needed to hear this, when looking for a new place, I saw our old flat listed up for rent, 6 months no contact but it still set me back! Listen to coach ken 👏
She says are morals are not the same. Because she forced me to hire a lawyer to force her to sell the house. So she says I'm a peice of shit like my parents. Who's generosity let me take care of her and her kids for 10 years. There's no way to talk sence to her. I told her the only way we can save the house if she gave me the chance she promised me. But no chance and my parents said they will disown me if I give her the house. I told her this made no difference she wants me to give her the house and I loose everything? It's like talking to a wall
Coach Ken, this video really hit home. I moved 2/3rd across the country away from my ex and my 3 beautiful children because my heart was in shambles and I kept seeing the degradation of the woman I highly valued as the mother of my children. She moved an hour away for space and validation... I paid for a lot in the 10 months we have been split, and I took control of the parenting of my children, all the while she would do things she knew I loved to do and really wanted to do with her. I have plenty of faults, but am so close to moving my children with me. She wants to be a mother again, and I have only been in this location for a couple months, all the while traveling back for my children's birthdays and paying for their activities while there. She is short tempered with me and brings up a lot that she does, and it seems to be to rub it in my face. I have lost a lot of respect for her, but could really use some advice on what to do when you have children together.
I'm sorry to hear about that. The children make it a definite challenge and magnify the pain and fear while you're in it. You have to consistently enforce minimal boundaries of respect even in this challenging situation. The main tormenting thought many times is the idea that tolerating disrespectful abusive behavior is somehow proving your love. It doesn't. It only drains attraction further and instinctively proves them you aren't worthy of respect. I know it easier to say then it is to do but if I can help let me know - you can set up a call with me at dotheyloveme.com/ - Praying for you and your kids!
Coach Ken ROCKS ! Sending love to you and yours, Coach Ken and greetings from Savannah Georgia.
Such wise words. Thank you so much you understand.
I can't help thinking that the main takeaway from this video is that if you treat your BPD partner with love, respect, and show commitment to them, they will get bored and discard you.
Therefore, if you want them to stay, do the exact opposite of what you would do in a healthy relationship.
The thing is, nobody should have to live like that.
Wow what a eye-opening and Powerful video, I wish I seen this week's sooner I'm literally going through this actual issue.
My ex who love me for two years with so much intensity to the point where she never even gave me space, we break up and now she's trying to frame me as the villain, literally redefining our entire relationship.
Telling people I'm dangerous, literally out of nowhere when we never even had an abusive relationship at all it's extremely heartbreaking.
I love her but I've been in no contact for about 3 weeks, and after seeing this video I'm really going to stay in it
Best video yet!
Wonderful episode! Thank you!
When you have a clash of ideals or had problems with anger in the relationship and they want to be by your side and you still mess it up. It really hurts, I begged and pleaded once and walked away. Now she’s 1 month in a new relationship. I’ve been in no contact for 10 days. I do have hope, because this new guy is too much like her it seems like. And she also broke it off, because she thought we were so different. Which doesn’t make sense to me, but I’m hoping she realizes that having differences in a relationship isn’t a bad thing.
Prob with bpd they're attracted to the differences because they admire those traits in you that they don't possess and for healthy people that works but bpd lacks self esteem and before you know it they resent you for those traits because all you keep reflecting to them is that they don't possess them themselves. Healthy people are ok with not being perfect. Bpd are not.
So they need go after someone like them, and it's wonderful at first because they feel adequate again. But of course all the traits none of them posses start lacking big time. And they start blaming each other for the very same reasons, not having those traits. An impossible win for untreated BPD's.
Exactly! You’re not wrong
I love your videos cause you get straight to the teaching
LEGEND!
Back atcha legend!
I just booked a call with you coach, right after breaking no contact after 9 months. Look forward to talk to you! 🙏🏻😭
9 months? its time to move on mate.
Great video!
Also remember guys: any borderline framing you & accusing you *wants* your attention. Think about it; YOU called ME to tell ME I'm a stalker? Um...wait.
If my guy had bpd he had one of the quiet kinds & wouldn't act this way (not that I know of.) My mom was a different story with the petulant variety. Be a fighter jet; do not engage! Stand by the truth. Let them smear you. Like Coach says the more you argue the more you reinforce this game. & trust me, it's a game. Show them if they want access to you they need to get some help & treat you with some decency. Good luck guys.
Very hard not to jump in the fight with intensity to prove who you are - and its exactly why its so easy to use that intensity to frame you exactly as the bad person they claim you to be. Sometimes the only way you can fight is to ENDURE
@Coach Ken Unfortunately I know it all too well from my childhood with a mom suffering from BPD. Especially the acting-out "loud" Borderline will go after you like this.
I have a beautiful, intelligent loyal social, family, and work circle. Luckily mine absolutely cannot go after my reputation. They would laugh and toss him aside.
I mean, at this point, just get someone new. Love should be simple. If they dont want you just move on😅
Wow 10:06 to 12:10 is my situation all over but she’s in a rebound with a ex crackhead who’s absolutely desperate because he’s got nothing
13:10 right on the money, wish I heard this earlier!
I think my girl has bpd. We broke up due to her inability to stop self sabotaging. I didn't disagree with breaking up, so she had doubts and offered to work on it together, I lovingly refused, she accepted it and then said things that made me feel idealized.
Because of this I regretted my decision and reached out telling her I wanted is to talk, she agreed and seemed excited. Then she ghosts me and her social media shows she now thinks she can do better.
So she literally changed her mind about me due to me wanting to be with her. Wow
Yup bpds are crazy
This comes back to my point that you can literally do no right with your BPD partner. If you abuse them, you're wrong. If you love them, you're wrong. They set it up so you will fail.
During the devaluation phase, my ex started fights with me even when I was trying to appease her. She did everything she could to avoid seeing me in that time, but when I finally left because I had enough, she accused me of abandoning her when she needed me the most.
These are truly mentally ill people and we're better off without them in our lives.
Im in the situation described around 14:10 and i apologized and the last thing they said was maybe they would text me later and then they never did. How much time do i give after said apology? Idk if they ever will reach out as they are in the numb state and i believe they are already dating? Has anyone been in this situation and won them back? I did my apology on 8/1/24 in the way that he is saying and even more than that. I havent heard from them since and i tried reaching out for the next 2 days without pressuring for them back and then never bothered them again. Am i cooked
Way too early to follow the apology. The apology shows recognition and awareness but if you follow it up with multiple attempts then you drain the belief that the apology came from strength or accountability and makes it seem like you're too weak to live without them and the apology feels like it came from desperation which is never attractive. Give it some more time, at least 4 - 6 months
@@CoachKenonly thing im worried about is i was emotional and crying while i was giving the apology and talking about her pain… also her birthday is september 22 and im debating whether to send a message or not since i was in the wrong and i neglected her for so long i feel it would be wrong not to… maybe a card and not a text with a small birthday greeting… if not what would i say 4-6 months from now? I know she has lots of guys always trying to get with her and she wastes no time when shes single. I have a call booked with you on august 26th im curious to have this conversation. She is a defender type and im a problem solver for sure . Thank you for your input i watch all your videos
My BPD Ex vilifies me and started a smear campaign behind my back.
Now i'm a abusive, manipulative narcissist...
My stupid codependant ass took her back 5 times...
I'm going through same situation right now 😢...he ended things abruptly 6 weeks ago- although I know he was considering it for a few weeks I was still shocked. He has messaged a few times but has shown no desire to fix things. Blames me for everything.
@@lorismith2591 I feel you... My BPD (diagnosed) ex is such a confusing human beeing.
2 Weeks ago she reached out after ghosting me for 3 weeks, telling me "i miss you" "i love you, lets hang out and do things right".
I agreed to meet up with her and guess what... It was a 1 hour shitshow where she told me, how bad of a person i am.. how abusive and terrible i am...
I was 24/7 by her side, she isolated me from friends&family and yet she said - "you were never there for me when it mattered"
Please im begging you. Make more videos for us sidiots who screwed up h
Hey coach, was with my ex for 9 years, she is in a rebound & got engaged less than a month after breakup. Im been in NC for 4 months now. Should i apologize for what ive done in the relationship? Nothing like cheating but neglecting her feelings & not being the mountain she needed at times. I would like to apologize for her to know & for me to help forgive myself to help move on from her. Or should i just leave it be?
If you caused it - I suggest reaching out once clearly and without excuses and acknowledging it but without pleading for another chance and not following it with multiple versions of the same apology if she doesn't respond.
Are you sure you're not taking on too much blame yourself? If she has BPD, there is really only so much you can take.
Hi coach Ken,
Great Video! I have already sent a couple of messages to my Ex in last two months, telling her how sorry I am for the pain I caused her and that I know I can’t take back or change the things I have done to her but I can be better moving forward and I hope one day she will find a place in her heart to forgive me and let go of the anger and hatred she feels towards me. Do you think I should still send her another message articulating her pain and explaining my apology thoroughly to her?
No - one sincere apology is good, but if they closed the door, repeatedly apologizing starts to frame all of them as coming from desperation and not sincere regret and can drain the remaining attraction.
@@CoachKen thank you.
I haven’t got to email yet after the live the other day to clarify the super chat questions I sent that were misunderstood. I am going to email today after work and ask the questions without putting the abbreviations in there so that I can get any advice y’all can give me. I am sorry I wish I could do a coaching call but just the two $20 super chats were more that I can afford right now with the situation I am in
I won't know if he is or not so I don't care but if he is, that's rent free. Stay mad boo
Thanks!
Thank you so much Snack Pants!
What about if he went off (monkey branching then into a rebound with them)? Why hate me? What did i do? He caused the problems in the relationship as he had a porn addiction, and i mentally broke down because of it but was still trying to fix us. Then he began money branching and entered a rebound with her?
It's not you they hate. It s themselves. You did nothing except be there. They cannot help reacting out of the way they feel. The way they feel has been there way before you showed up, it's emotional deregulation they've carried a long time, but since you're now there, they'll make you responsible for it, because they're still incapable of holding responsibility for the way they feel, they need to justify acting out by making you the reason for it. I believe they somehow believe that bs, mine on many occasions would realise it was not me, it was their internal stress, but eventually it gets overwhelming to them and because they cannot keep blaming themselves, they switch the narrative and decide that no, it's actually really you the reason of their internal distress. Do not take it personally. It's not you. It's the bpd condition. Overwhelming feelings with an inability to sustain emotional balance. Lash out. Look around. Whoever is there, must have made them feel that way. Disappear entirely and they'll soon find someone else to blame.
Coach Ken,
I caused the breakup with my girlfriend due to a slew of disrespectful things I said, actions, etc. Since the breakup, I pursued and was overly apologetic; however, I was able to persuade her to a point where she even wanted to see me, and we went on to do so (3 times). Recently, we had another instance where I got upset and said some harsh things because I was going through the emotions of somebody passing, and that re-triggered her anxiety that she experienced during the arguments we used to have causing her to feel like i haven’t changed enough, I assume. As of yesterday, I tried initiating the no contact, which worked for about 12 hours until she reached out.
Given that I was at fault for 99% of this relationship, I feel as if I owe her that response. She stayed by my side for so long and gave me chance after chance. If I am to message her, how/what would you suggest in terms of navigating that approach?
Idk what to do. 1st 2 weeks I chase somewhat sent 2 emails. At a month I broke and just lashed out I couldn't help it especially since she blame the break up on me which wasn't 100% and she blindsided me. We talked and she cried laugh and just said we nt working it out. Now a week after that on NC. Sucks plus that same day she video called me but I missed the call wen I try to call bck she had blocked me.
Thank you
The love of my life entered menopause and blamed all her symptoms on me and moved a mile down the road 2 days before Xmas . I just wonder if she will reach out . I acted so needy prior to her living trying to fix things but when total no contact when she said she was done . Advice ?
That sounds like my ex using menopause as a bullshit excuse for her behavior also.
You acted clingy and needy because she confused the hell out of you in the devaluation phase. It's a normal response because it's the total opposite of what you knew of her. I did it myself with my ex in her devaluation phase.
It's also normal to miss her because you're remembering the way she was in the idealization phase.
But understand this. The person that you saw at the end of your relationship is the person she truly is. That's not something you need back in your life.
You don't owe her an apology or any ass-kissing now. I know it's hard, but you got to stay strong, bro. Leave her to her misery.
Hello Coach Ken, do you have a video about starting NC after being friendzoned for 7 months after the break up? I just come to a realisation that i need some time for myself to be away and focus on myself without putting too much thoughts of her, and it's hard while she's texting me every 3 days like we used to do. Thanks Coach. Really appreciate your response
So what you're saying is I was wrong to say, "you want to friend-zone me? Get fucked!!" You don't get a second chance with me. I feel it's a position of power to walk away from someone who clearly doesn't choose you and worse, needs to go explore other options while they keep you in the insanely manipulative environment the friend-zone is. Say goodbye, work on yourself and remember, the best revenge is to become better. And trust me, she will fall flat on her face with this move. DO NOT CHASE!!
Calm down man or go start a channel to impress yourself with your own righteous rant. Yes, SOMETIMES a strong reaction is by far the best but SOMETIMES it's the egotistical overreaction of a sensitive wounded who. Details matter - but thanks for stopping by and impressing yourself with your bold blanket statement of righteous rage that only applies to limited situations. I'd actually like to break up with you myself. I think we should start seeing other channels and subscribers. It's not you - it's me. Actually... it's me not liking you very much
Authentic duche bag 😂😂