I started to transition three years ago when I was 58 years old. I’m 6’1” I was sure I would never “pass” and passing is important to me. I’ve been living full time as my authentic self for the last several months. The other day I had to take my wife to the doctor I went wearing a blouse, skirt and some light makeup. While I was sitting in the waiting room an older man sat down across from me and started to flirt with me! I couldn’t believe it. I’m not attracted to men but it felt nice to be seen as a woman.
To all the people here starting transitioning, it hets much better as you go. I used to worry about this all the time. Now 5 years into my transition (3 on hormones) When i get clocked i just laugh. Keep on going everyone, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!
Here are my experiences of being 'clocked' and my responses if it helps anybody. If somebody 'stares' at you, it isn't necessarily that they have 'clocked' you - it could be for a variety of things eg, they like the clothes you are wearing, they like your shoes, they like your handbag, they like your hairstyle and are wondering if it might suit them, you remind them of somebody they know etc. What is the best reaction? If it is another woman I have found the best thing is to not drop your head and stare at the floor, but rather engage their gaze (not in a hostile manner) in a friendly manner and give them a friendly smile. It is amazing that more often than not they will smile back and then go about their business without a second thought. I call it "women's secret bond" If it is a man, avoid a flirtatious smile - but don't drop your head and stare at your feet. Keep your head held high. If you have a friend with you turn to them and engage them in conversation or if you are in a store/supermarket turn in towards the shelves and appear to be pondering an item to purchase. The worst thing you can do is stare back aggressively in an attempt to make them drop their stare - this invites conflict. Also if you are only at the start of your transition when you might be apprehensive about walking out on the street (or sidewalk if in the US) do NOT walk round staring at the ground in front of you (especially at night). Women are aware that we need to be aware of what is going on around us - so walk with your head held high and be proud and confident in who you are. That last statement will become truer the deeper you are into transition and you WILL gain that confidence over time. Good luck everybody and enjoy your transition to womanhood (or manhood if you are going in the opposite direction). PS: I started my transition over 50 years ago and I'm 78 now and these experiences have been gathered over that time span so I really hope they help those who are just starting their transition and need that confidence boost xx
@@clarissanavarro2762 Yes, I agree that voice is very important - and that it is probably the most difficult thing to do (unless you have been lucky to transition early and had puberty blockers). There are hundreds of videos on RUclips that are excellent with this and I guess that I have been lucky in that respect.
@@CarolSteele I have been blessed in that I was always an amazing mimic, impersonator, and voice actor since my teens since seeing " very famous impersonator that if I name them will give away my age" when I was in My teens. But yes,... it is hard, but if we wish to walk through life and not have our gender questioned,.... we need to master the voice. I started even before I understood that I _was_ trans. I played a Lot of MMO's and.... for some _unknown_ reason, always played female characters,....and always answered the " are you a guy or a girl at home.." with " I am a Girl" for some ... _unknown_ reason. Instead of "admitting" I was a guy when asked to voice, I just sais " I stutter badly..." then I started practicing talking like a woman.... because that seemed to make more sense in My head than saying " I am a guy". Even back then before I knew.... _I knew_ !
@JaneChristensen. Thank you. I appreciate the heads up. It was easier than I expected, yet the most stressful experience of my life. I'm fortunate enough to have a strong ally as a spouse, and she has been wonderful. My family is going to be another story.
@@ladymctavish3299 I want you to know that owning your truth is one of the hardest things we do, especially when we are surrounded by people ignorant about our experience. Coming out to family may be hard since,.... family can wound as no one else can, and support as no one else can. THAT makes the entire venture one fraught with stress and anxiety. Come out to friends you know will be supportive first,... get yourself a circle of allies that can help you through it if it goes badly. You need as much positivity as possible for the coming conversations. Just remember. You are _not_ debating with your family about whether being transgender is valid, or a sin, or anything of the sort. They _may_ think that is what you are doing and assume you will listen. Don't. You are telling them. You expect them to accept and support. Not Debate or argue. I wish you the best.
"You are telling them..." Exactly... not asking for Permission, but Telling... However... we cannot 'Expect' someone to Accept. It's either they do or they don't... that's their choice. If they are unaccepting, then so be it. We cannot force others to accept/like us...
@@Genevieve111 Oh I agree, I am simply saying that it's Not a debate where they should be willing to engage in a back and forth about their Gender,.... that's Like having a debate about the color of their eyes. They need to be firm,.... tell them what they are,.... and Not acept any discussion about it, as most transgender haters are wont to do.
Thank you for this. I'm about 9 months on HRT, slowly social transitioning but presenting as female, learning what I like and don't like, how to do my makeup, etc. This is still a scary thing to think about on the daily. I know I don't pass yet all the time, sometimes I do, I often get gendered correctly in public even if they know I'm trans, still a worrying thought though. You never know when the next bigot is gonna call you out and make you wanna cry while you are standing in line lol.
IMO you should not fear being called out because people will call you out, and if they don’t call you out they will think it and just keep it to themselves. So just do this for you.
@@bobby8630 My opinion is, I really do not care what people think. If they don't call me out, but keep their shit to themselves, I prefer their silence to them calling me out. I have friends that help me to become better at my presentation. I have a very supportive and nurturing NYC to help me,... if there are transphobes, they don't speak up. I prefer it that way, because if Transphobes exist around me,... but they keep their hate to themselves,... why would I want their honesty? All I want is their silence. And In NYC that is exactly what I get.
@@clarissanavarro2762I have a different perspective personally. If they want to be offensive and try to make someone cry and look like a jerk and maybe lose friends or a loved one in the process, that's fine with me. 🤷♀️ Good luck on your journey, I hope life treats you well 🩷
I don't pass (I want too) but I find that having confidence (shoulders back, head up) really helps this to be less of an issue. They sense when you're not confident and attack. It's not easy, I get it but instead of looking for a problem and drawing it to you try to just live. It won't stop all the problems but you will be surprised at how much less this happens. That being said, be safe always.
Im an 18 year old trans girl who has never had an issue being misgendered in the past year. But I constantly feel like im being stares at and the feeling is so bad that most of the time i don’t go out. And feel my quality of life is so poor because of this fear. I just started crying watching this video because you explained it perfectly and to hear it in that way was truly thought provoking. I do wish you could propose some ways to stop the fear or lower it because i don’t know how to. But thanks for the information and you’ve really been a great help in my transition so far.
I am a 66 year old transwoman. I transitioned 19 years ago and stopped worrying about what people think a few years into my live as a woman. Therefore, I finally left my job in higher education and started my own construction business. All my clients and most of my suppliers know that I am trans, but they don't care, and neither do I. I'm sure I don't look very womanly when I am in my work clothes, but I haven't been kicked out of a women's bathroom, either. I believe, it is more important to be self-secure than what you look like.
When I first came out full time in June 2022 I worried a bit about passing so much so that the first thing I did was go and get a bbl and a BA as the months passed two things happened I never was clocked and not only did I get nothing but yes ma'am or miss but also smiles and guys flirting, I also got to a point where I didn't care what people were thinking about me. Like you said I don't know these people and chances are I'll never see them again so I quit worrying. It's also helped me with my voice while deep I found out all the people I talked to didn't care what I sounded like. While I still worry a little and chances are I will get vocal surgery in the future I'm not paralyzed by it and now just talk. I think you get to a point where your focus shift from worrying about other to just enjoying being you.
I'm nonbinary agender, and I don't think there is such a thing as passing for me. Either I'm closeted and going about my business as my AGAB, or I'm out to everyone. There is no way for people to recognize a form of gender expression that technically does not exist yet. In other words, I'd have to establish that for myself, with the goal of being openly and visibly trans.
@FrozenWolf150 *There are various peoples' styles that are, for practical purposes, unisex.* @USAKiltsOfficial crafts Hielan- (GBR) -inspired lowers such as the Casual and Semi-Traditional Kilts (polyester viscose), plus hose, vests, neckties, &c. to build coordinates (to quote a 可愛 _Kawaii_ term used frequently in 蘿莉塔時尚 Lolita Fashion).
Hi Dr Z. I've only recently become aware of your channel and look forward to going through you're catalog of videos. So far, I can tell you really know what you're talking about and you really care. I am 58 and just start my journey last year. I struggle sometimes, and still mostly present as male. When I do present as female, I feel that I pass pretty well, even though I am 6'0 tall. I am fortunate that I still have all my hair, and my beard is light and my body hair is sparse. With that said, sometimes I care about passing, and sometimes I don't. I can't really tell why that's the case. But, I find that when I don't care about passing, I am realizing that it doesn't matter if others clock me, what matters is I feel good about myself and know that it doesn't matter what others may think. 💜 Thank you for your advice and the guidance you provide.
Welcome to the channel and it’s nice to meet you! Yes when one doesn’t care it makes a tremendous internal difference! 6ft is nothing! Tall women are amazing! I am 5”11 without heels 🫶
5'11"!? Haha, maybe it is the Edna vibe (which I see you are perfectly ok with, so I feel safe sayingl) but I pictured you a tad bit shorter. 😉 Yes I have always appreciated tall women and am happy to be a tall trans woman. 💃🏽
you're awesome!! I'm a 17 year old afab demiboy and your videos have helped me since I was like 13-14 :] my hrt has been great and it's nice to have a professional's advice (even if it's not personal). I've been doing great! thanks a ton.
@@DRZPHD yeah, I've taken things with a grain of salt because of that while also talking with therapists for my age, so I'm also really thankful with them too! this year I've been switching to adult directed therapists because I'm turning 18 soon, while I didn't take the advice fully it was interesting to know about adult trans folks and i didn't realize I'm becoming one so soon, time flies!! i could say your content is genuinely great from an external kind of perspective, but I'll have to grow up and wait to personally say if that's the case :) I appreciate your dedication, it makes me feel like the future for transgender adults will get better for me and other folks aswell if that makes sense!
@@AdrictaTDT-Twitch I am! I recently switched to adult therapy and the therapist is specialized in gender diversity, it's been overall a good journey for the past years though :D
I'm 6'2" and 70 years old. Hormones for just under 3 years. I live in a small tourist town, and when i walk down the street i frequently get looks from tourists. I now frame this as that they find me interesting. Our eyes naturally go to what seems different. Now i am starting to make an effort to engage with these people, starting with a smile or a friendly hello, to show that I'm not dangerous or somebody to be persecuted. This is always in public where i feel safe.
Thank you for this very informative video Dr. Z. Passing was always an objective for me that may have something to do with when I was born, 1951, and how I was raised under a strictly heteronormative cisgender two parent household where gender roles were clearly defined and followed. I went through both of the phases you described during my transition which began 13 years ago and over time I came to understand just how much internal work was necessary if I were going to be content with myself. I used to get clocked in the early years of my growth and sometimes the perpetrator, a stranger, would make the verbal attack so public and loud that I was traumatized for weeks. I had a therapist at the time who was very good and she helped me work through my feelings, so I was able to see that the attack was more about him, my attacker, then it was about me. Still it made me aware that there were things about my feminine presentation that I needed to improve. I’ve always been one for self improvement, so I kept working at it. The clocking became less frequent, but it continued, but I didn’t give up even though it hurt and made me angry. Then it disappeared almost completely and sometimes when I was properly gendered I told myself that, they were just being kind and they knew I was trans, but I began to see that now I had actually achieved the level of pass ability that I wanted and that when I had those moments of self doubt they didn’t make sense, because I didn’t know what those people thought I couldn’t read their minds, so I started telling myself that they were being honest, that they really did see the woman that I am and nothing more. At other times when this happened I just told myself that they were looking, because they liked my clothes, my style, or maybe they didn’t like my style, but none of that had anything to do with my being trans. I admit I had internalized transphobia to deal with, thanks to society, but I have a lot less and I continue to work on it. For me the internal work was just as important as the external. Now whenever I go about my business and someone looks at me I don’t think I’m being clocked I know I’m being admired because I have confidence in myself and I love how I look. Thank you again for a timely video.
Thank you for this video- I find your terminology (transmaculine and transfeminine) along with your philosophy on the validity of being trans, against the grain of society's number one question- did you get surgery? Do you have the secondary sex characteristics and mannerism a person naturally born like this would? Most of society doesn't see gender and sexuality as different- they assume if you have a set of biological characteristics you are your born sex and you are inclined towards the opposite sex. That is not the case for me- society seems to impose an expectation on me and only see my interactions in a limited frame. I find the position of being trans very difficult, and your videos are encouraging. Thanks Dr. Z!
I want to pass to feel safer out there. It's something I can't achieve at this moment. I'm still in the closet but getting close to be able to go out for the first time. I live in Australia, which is fairly safe for the LGBTQ+ community, but I also found there's a small number of neo-nazis here which would like for people like me to be destroyed. I don't know the people in my neighbourhood and I don't know what are the chances any of them could belong to that group or share their views. I'm afraid of being seen by someone like that and for them to know where I live. I don't know what are they capable of but I know they don't see us as human and therefore they can in their own minds justify any act of violence agains us. Am I blowing my fear way out of proportion? Am I being too paranoic? I'm also autistic, have social anxiety and OCD, which I guess is not very helpful in this situation.
Dr. Z are they looking at you thinking "hay, there's Edna!" 😉 passing is important to me, and I know it's not going to happen overnight. But, now just over a year later from going full-time. I don't feel as nervous about going out in public as my preferred female self. I guess its that old say "familiarity breeds contemt!" A BIG PASSING TIPS: 1) Integrate your preferred self into the mundane parts of your day! be that the simple things that you don't really think about - filling the car, getting cash out the ATM, going shopping. the more mundane tasks you can include, the more normal being yourself will become. then it slowly shifts from "I'm going to the shops, I hope I don't get clocked!" to "I'm going to the shops, what do I need to get!" Your brain becomes more task focused, and every time you complete a task, the more confidence you will gain. 2) there's no need to be dressed to the 9's for everything you do! I went to my very first pride event last week. I was dressed casually, wearing flats and was able to pass relatively easily. but I did see others turning up in massive heels and full face makeup, and wearing something that was more suited for an office, or going to a restaurant. this made them stand-out, because they were overdressed for the type of activity at hand. now, I'm not saying I didn't get clocked - still working on my voice, which is one of my key areas of my dysphoria at the moment. but, I stayed focused on what I was doing, the task at hand and didn't let it in. 🤔 I suppose there is a little bit of "fake it til' ya make it" going on, which could be my tip 3, but I have moved on from caring if they clock me, or not. so, even though you might be somewhat nervous internally, try to not show it on the outside. you deserve to be there, and have the same right to be there as anybody else, so to hell to all everyone else, do it for you!
I pass all the time to strangers but I feel like if we spent more time they would start to see my "masculine characteristics" more and then relize Im trans. So thats kind of my motive for wanting more surgeries
Yeah but if you want deep relationships then people are going to eventually know you’re trans, the alternative is to keep a bunch of surface level relationships, but then why would you even care
Thanks Dr Z, I totally could relate. I don’t get misgendered ever, and people (most) do perceive me as a cisgender woman (you know with the way they talk by asking about kids and periods) Even so, I still have this fear of being clocked or not being seen as female. And I always wonder whether I should get surgery because my hips aren’t as wide as some women, or maybe some features aren’t as small and petite as my head wish them to be .. (even tho I’m 5’5” . But say traveling to a country where females avarage between 5’ and 5’2”. My dysphoria feels heightened) But then I try to re-centre myself and realise that actually it’s in my head a lot of the time and it’s the dysphoria and dysmorphia going hand in hand, eating away at my insecurities. I find it hard to control it sometimes and it can be very exhausting
I'm going through a similar situation. I've never been clocked or at least been called out as trans on the streets, at work, etc. But I have been clocked maybe 3 times in bars/night clubs.. Whenever that happens, I'm hyper aware for weeks after, I feel like every person I meet or looks at me on the street is the same at that one man in the bar who called me names. It's really exhausting :( I know that I pass but maybe not 100% and I'm always scared of that 0.1 per cent who might notice and say something.
Hello! DR Z I go out on weekends and holidays as a transgender woman, I am very happy and I look forward to these days! Well, my experience is as follows: I am full of good vibes, I raise my face and walk straight ahead. I don’t look at anyone, only at those people who look insistently and I smile at them 😌 and I greet them with a lot of kindness as a beautiful woman that I am! And they answer me kindly, some and others just look at me with displeasure! And I only remember what you tell us DR Z!: “if it doesn’t bother you more power for you”. DR Z you walk with us transgender women and men! Your DR Z is our support in this transmission of our lives! Thank you and may God take care of you for being so good! 🌈🥰
Dear Dr Z, thank you again for another so valuable lesson ❤ your thoughts and words give really perspective and good ideas on how to work on my inner world and learn how to deal with that fear. Sometimes the new reality is too good to be true and I still struggle to realize that my lifelong fight may have finally come to an end. Accepting achievements and success in our transition also requires courage and the ability to finally breathe in and let go. Thanks again for your inspirational words and I wish you a lovely day 🙏 I'm happy to know your channel!
While it's nice to be read as female, there's a lot of effort involved in doing that. Makeup. Hair (wig in my case). Feminine clothing. Heels. There are times when I do do that stuff and I like it, but that's more for special occasions than the norm. I know some women put on a full face of makeup every day, but I also know women who only occasionally wear makeup, if ever, and I'm more like the latter than the former. I don't want to go to that level of effort every day. We live in a society where even cis people are sometimes thought to be trans people, so I ended up concluding that it doesn't matter. As long as I can live my life on my terms, that's what it's all about - I transitioned for my happiness. In my day to day life, nobody seems to care. Maybe people stare at me; I don't know, because I don't look for it. I'm most sensitive towards others in single-sex spaces, and there I try to use my deep, bass voice as little as possible because I'm not looking to cause anxiety in others, though, of course, I'm there to use the facility in the same way as any other woman would be. I do make an effort to somewhat feminise my voice at those times. I did feel a bit of an imposter until I started identifying as a non-binary trans woman. There are masculine aspects of me that I just don't want to change. I'm using non-binary in the sense that there are masculine and feminine aspects of me, and trans woman in the sense that I have transitioned medically and socially. I didn't realise it was possible to identify as both until recently, but that seems to match my internal sense of gender as far as my conscious mind can tell.
Wow DR Z PHD I Just Found Your Channel 👍 Im A Transsexual Man And I Love Your Content I Think Your Brilliant Watching A Couple of Videos Thank You So Good 👍
I've only been socially transitioned for a couple of months now. I'm under no illusion that I 'pass', and the framework around "people who care about passing" doesn't really resonate for me. But I am stared at, constantly, particularly by women. Some people can't seem to help themselves - I meet their eyes and they look away, and when I look away, they start staring again. I tell myself all kinds of things to try to minimize this - i.e. that staring is neutral, that cis women have dealt with objectifying stares their whole lives, that I've just broken their gendering machine, etc. But I find it exhausting, because I feel vigilant and self-conscious with each stare. I wish I didn't, but it gets to the point that I want to go out in 'man-mode' not because that feels good, but at least no one will stare at me. I'd love to just say f 'em, or whatever, but my nervous system isn't buying it. I try to follow the advice various people give about confidence, meeting their gaze, etc., and I can do that, but it feels like it takes something out of me every time, such that I feel exhausted at being out in public rather than the joy I felt in my presentation when I left the house.
+DRZPHD *"Clocking" doesn't occur only to transes and enbies.* @KelliMarissa moved 2022 to Las Vegas, NV, USA, and got called out as a Jersey Shorewoman.
I know people see me as a woman because I always get gendered correctly but how can I know whether they see me as a cis woman? In other words how can I know whether they can tell that I’m trans?
@@DRZPHD well, it depends on the person. I’m more curious about it with my coworkers who I see every week, for example, than with people I pass on the street. I work remotely so I mostly see my coworkers over video chat. We had an in-person conference a couple months ago where I met everyone for a few days. I didn’t get any signals from anyone that they see me as anything other than a woman or that they see me as cis or trans, one way or the other. So yeah it’s probably best to just accept that they see me as a woman and not worry about whether they can tell if I’m trans. It’s just hard to let that go. Maybe it will get easier with time.
My Mate gets mis gendered on the phone because his voice is high pitched. Soprano. I have a deep alto bass. But they mis gender me because all my legal papers still say Female on them. But they hear me on the phone and their brains have to do gymnastics with these incompatible inputs. Sometimes they say sir when they had a few minutes of dialogue but as soon as they start reading any official information about me they self corrected to female and don’t know what’s going on. They don’t intentionally do it. IT’s information biases are neurological not conscious actions. Often they end up apologizing profusely over it. I really do need to get that paper work done though it’s going to be a while.
I don't care about passing as a female I just go out as a man wearing a skirt or dress Everyday i wear a long straight skirt with stockings and suspenders going to my local shop the female staff like it And recently gave away a fres long office wear pencil dress to a young lady working there If you try it on it fits it's yours she tried it on perfect fit it's yours
I find a way that helps get over the "they're just pretending to be nice" feelings is remembering that cis people are actually very very bad at pretending
Before ever even transitioning, one has to take into consideration that one will at some point be “clocked” - that’s just part of being Trans! Me? I never let it bother me as long as I’m not in any physical harm. I watch my back and keep my distance for folks. 👑
Omg red nail polish? 💅What happened? Oh being clocked,,yikes 😬hmm ya it happens it suxs and it hurts ,keep in mind it is a passing thing and feeling, eventually you get over it and then you start to not give a shit. Personally I pass 99.9 percent of the time ,maybe I am not a good example but the key for me is confidence confidence confidence!!!!
I started to transition three years ago when I was 58 years old. I’m 6’1” I was sure I would never “pass” and passing is important to me. I’ve been living full time as my authentic self for the last several months. The other day I had to take my wife to the doctor I went wearing a blouse, skirt and some light makeup. While I was sitting in the waiting room an older man sat down across from me and started to flirt with me! I couldn’t believe it. I’m not attracted to men but it felt nice to be seen as a woman.
Hi! Flirtations even from people who you are not attracted to are always a good feeling. Who doesn’t like to be admired?
That is beautiful ❤ congrats!! :)
To all the people here starting transitioning, it hets much better as you go. I used to worry about this all the time. Now 5 years into my transition (3 on hormones) When i get clocked i just laugh. Keep on going everyone, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!
What a great message and so optimistic!
@JaneChristensen. I love Jumanji XD
Here are my experiences of being 'clocked' and my responses if it helps anybody.
If somebody 'stares' at you, it isn't necessarily that they have 'clocked' you - it could be for a variety of things eg, they like the clothes you are wearing, they like your shoes, they like your handbag, they like your hairstyle and are wondering if it might suit them, you remind them of somebody they know etc.
What is the best reaction? If it is another woman I have found the best thing is to not drop your head and stare at the floor, but rather engage their gaze (not in a hostile manner) in a friendly manner and give them a friendly smile. It is amazing that more often than not they will smile back and then go about their business without a second thought. I call it "women's secret bond"
If it is a man, avoid a flirtatious smile - but don't drop your head and stare at your feet. Keep your head held high. If you have a friend with you turn to them and engage them in conversation or if you are in a store/supermarket turn in towards the shelves and appear to be pondering an item to purchase.
The worst thing you can do is stare back aggressively in an attempt to make them drop their stare - this invites conflict.
Also if you are only at the start of your transition when you might be apprehensive about walking out on the street (or sidewalk if in the US) do NOT walk round staring at the ground in front of you (especially at night). Women are aware that we need to be aware of what is going on around us - so walk with your head held high and be proud and confident in who you are.
That last statement will become truer the deeper you are into transition and you WILL gain that confidence over time.
Good luck everybody and enjoy your transition to womanhood (or manhood if you are going in the opposite direction).
PS: I started my transition over 50 years ago and I'm 78 now and these experiences have been gathered over that time span so I really hope they help those who are just starting their transition and need that confidence boost xx
What a beautifully supportive sharing! Thank you.
My Gender therapist said that exact same thing. Well said, thank you for sharing. ❤
@@SpiritoftheWoods863 Thank you for your comment.
@@clarissanavarro2762 Yes, I agree that voice is very important - and that it is probably the most difficult thing to do (unless you have been lucky to transition early and had puberty blockers). There are hundreds of videos on RUclips that are excellent with this and I guess that I have been lucky in that respect.
@@CarolSteele I have been blessed in that I was always an amazing mimic, impersonator, and voice actor since my teens since seeing " very famous impersonator that if I name them will give away my age" when I was in My teens.
But yes,... it is hard, but if we wish to walk through life and not have our gender questioned,.... we need to master the voice. I started even before I understood that I _was_ trans. I played a Lot of MMO's and.... for some _unknown_ reason, always played female characters,....and always answered the " are you a guy or a girl at home.." with " I am a Girl" for some ... _unknown_ reason. Instead of "admitting" I was a guy when asked to voice, I just sais " I stutter badly..." then I started practicing talking like a woman.... because that seemed to make more sense in My head than saying " I am a guy". Even back then before I knew.... _I knew_ !
I came out to my wife as trans today, and just wanted you to know I don't think I could have done it without you
@JaneChristensen. Thank you. I appreciate the heads up. It was easier than I expected, yet the most stressful experience of my life. I'm fortunate enough to have a strong ally as a spouse, and she has been wonderful. My family is going to be another story.
OMG that’s so powerful! Good for you!!!!! You deserve to be seen. Own it. ❤️🫶🤗
@@ladymctavish3299 I want you to know that owning your truth is one of the hardest things we do, especially when we are surrounded by people ignorant about our experience.
Coming out to family may be hard since,.... family can wound as no one else can, and support as no one else can. THAT makes the entire venture one fraught with stress and anxiety.
Come out to friends you know will be supportive first,... get yourself a circle of allies that can help you through it if it goes badly. You need as much positivity as possible for the coming conversations.
Just remember. You are _not_ debating with your family about whether being transgender is valid, or a sin, or anything of the sort. They _may_ think that is what you are doing and assume you will listen.
Don't.
You are telling them. You expect them to accept and support. Not Debate or argue.
I wish you the best.
"You are telling them..." Exactly... not asking for Permission, but Telling...
However... we cannot 'Expect' someone to Accept. It's either they do or they don't... that's their choice. If they are unaccepting, then so be it. We cannot force others to accept/like us...
@@Genevieve111 Oh I agree, I am simply saying that it's Not a debate where they should be willing to engage in a back and forth about their Gender,.... that's Like having a debate about the color of their eyes.
They need to be firm,.... tell them what they are,.... and Not acept any discussion about it, as most transgender haters are wont to do.
I am a cisgender woman who was misgendered as a man several times. LOL! Don't let their problem become your problem . . .
Well said.
This pretty reassuring thank you ❤
Thank you for this. I'm about 9 months on HRT, slowly social transitioning but presenting as female, learning what I like and don't like, how to do my makeup, etc. This is still a scary thing to think about on the daily. I know I don't pass yet all the time, sometimes I do, I often get gendered correctly in public even if they know I'm trans, still a worrying thought though. You never know when the next bigot is gonna call you out and make you wanna cry while you are standing in line lol.
Totally hear you! Bigots are everywhere and while you can’t protect yourself from their stupidity you can protect yourself by how you react to it 🫶
@@DRZPHD Very well said!
IMO you should not fear being called out because people will call you out, and if they don’t call you out they will think it and just keep it to themselves. So just do this for you.
@@bobby8630 My opinion is, I really do not care what people think. If they don't call me out, but keep their shit to themselves, I prefer their silence to them calling me out. I have friends that help me to become better at my presentation. I have a very supportive and nurturing NYC to help me,... if there are transphobes, they don't speak up.
I prefer it that way, because if Transphobes exist around me,... but they keep their hate to themselves,... why would I want their honesty? All I want is their silence.
And In NYC that is exactly what I get.
@@clarissanavarro2762I have a different perspective personally. If they want to be offensive and try to make someone cry and look like a jerk and maybe lose friends or a loved one in the process, that's fine with me. 🤷♀️
Good luck on your journey, I hope life treats you well 🩷
I don't pass (I want too) but I find that having confidence (shoulders back, head up) really helps this to be less of an issue. They sense when you're not confident and attack. It's not easy, I get it but instead of looking for a problem and drawing it to you try to just live. It won't stop all the problems but you will be surprised at how much less this happens. That being said, be safe always.
Well said. Confidence is EVERYTHING.
Valerie spot on! Confidence is paramount!
Im an 18 year old trans girl who has never had an issue being misgendered in the past year. But I constantly feel like im being stares at and the feeling is so bad that most of the time i don’t go out. And feel my quality of life is so poor because of this fear.
I just started crying watching this video because you explained it perfectly and to hear it in that way was truly thought provoking.
I do wish you could propose some ways to stop the fear or lower it because i don’t know how to. But thanks for the information and you’ve really been a great help in my transition so far.
I am a 66 year old transwoman. I transitioned 19 years ago and stopped worrying about what people think a few years into my live as a woman. Therefore, I finally left my job in higher education and started my own construction business. All my clients and most of my suppliers know that I am trans, but they don't care, and neither do I. I'm sure I don't look very womanly when I am in my work clothes, but I haven't been kicked out of a women's bathroom, either. I believe, it is more important to be self-secure than what you look like.
When I first came out full time in June 2022 I worried a bit about passing so much so that the first thing I did was go and get a bbl and a BA as the months passed two things happened I never was clocked and not only did I get nothing but yes ma'am or miss but also smiles and guys flirting, I also got to a point where I didn't care what people were thinking about me. Like you said I don't know these people and chances are I'll never see them again so I quit worrying. It's also helped me with my voice while deep I found out all the people I talked to didn't care what I sounded like. While I still worry a little and chances are I will get vocal surgery in the future I'm not paralyzed by it and now just talk. I think you get to a point where your focus shift from worrying about other to just enjoying being you.
That’s so great and good for you!
I'm nonbinary agender, and I don't think there is such a thing as passing for me. Either I'm closeted and going about my business as my AGAB, or I'm out to everyone. There is no way for people to recognize a form of gender expression that technically does not exist yet. In other words, I'd have to establish that for myself, with the goal of being openly and visibly trans.
Sadly the visibility is a big struggle for non-binary agender. I hear you.
@FrozenWolf150 *There are various peoples' styles that are, for practical purposes, unisex.* @USAKiltsOfficial crafts Hielan- (GBR) -inspired lowers such as the Casual and Semi-Traditional Kilts (polyester viscose), plus hose, vests, neckties, &c. to build coordinates (to quote a 可愛 _Kawaii_ term used frequently in 蘿莉塔時尚 Lolita Fashion).
Hi Dr Z. I've only recently become aware of your channel and look forward to going through you're catalog of videos. So far, I can tell you really know what you're talking about and you really care.
I am 58 and just start my journey last year. I struggle sometimes, and still mostly present as male. When I do present as female, I feel that I pass pretty well, even though I am 6'0 tall. I am fortunate that I still have all my hair, and my beard is light and my body hair is sparse.
With that said, sometimes I care about passing, and sometimes I don't. I can't really tell why that's the case. But, I find that when I don't care about passing, I am realizing that it doesn't matter if others clock me, what matters is I feel good about myself and know that it doesn't matter what others may think. 💜 Thank you for your advice and the guidance you provide.
Welcome to the channel and it’s nice to meet you! Yes when one doesn’t care it makes a tremendous internal difference! 6ft is nothing! Tall women are amazing! I am 5”11 without heels 🫶
5'11"!? Haha, maybe it is the Edna vibe (which I see you are perfectly ok with, so I feel safe sayingl) but I pictured you a tad bit shorter. 😉
Yes I have always appreciated tall women and am happy to be a tall trans woman. 💃🏽
you're awesome!! I'm a 17 year old afab demiboy and your videos have helped me since I was like 13-14 :] my hrt has been great and it's nice to have a professional's advice (even if it's not personal).
I've been doing great! thanks a ton.
Hi, please note my channel content is for 18+ and what I share stems solely from working with adults.
I hope you are seeing a good therapist n.n
@@DRZPHD yeah, I've taken things with a grain of salt because of that while also talking with therapists for my age, so I'm also really thankful with them too! this year I've been switching to adult directed therapists because I'm turning 18 soon, while I didn't take the advice fully it was interesting to know about adult trans folks and i didn't realize I'm becoming one so soon, time flies!!
i could say your content is genuinely great from an external kind of perspective, but I'll have to grow up and wait to personally say if that's the case :)
I appreciate your dedication, it makes me feel like the future for transgender adults will get better for me and other folks aswell if that makes sense!
@@AdrictaTDT-Twitch I am! I recently switched to adult therapy and the therapist is specialized in gender diversity, it's been overall a good journey for the past years though :D
I'm 6'2" and 70 years old. Hormones for just under 3 years. I live in a small tourist town, and when i walk down the street i frequently get looks from tourists. I now frame this as that they find me interesting. Our eyes naturally go to what seems different. Now i am starting to make an effort to engage with these people, starting with a smile or a friendly hello, to show that I'm not dangerous or somebody to be persecuted. This is always in public where i feel safe.
Thanks for sharing and wish you all the best.
Thank you for this very informative video Dr. Z. Passing was always an objective for me that may have something to do with when I was born, 1951, and how I was raised under a strictly heteronormative cisgender two parent household where gender roles were clearly defined and followed. I went through both of the phases you described during my transition which began 13 years ago and over time I came to understand just how much internal work was necessary if I were going to be content with myself. I used to get clocked in the early years of my growth and sometimes the perpetrator, a stranger, would make the verbal attack so public and loud that I was traumatized for weeks. I had a therapist at the time who was very good and she helped me work through my feelings, so I was able to see that the attack was more about him, my attacker, then it was about me. Still it made me aware that there were things about my feminine presentation that I needed to improve. I’ve always been one for self improvement, so I kept working at it.
The clocking became less frequent, but it continued, but I didn’t give up even though it hurt and made me angry. Then it disappeared almost completely and sometimes when I was properly gendered I told myself that, they were just being kind and they knew I was trans, but I began to see that now I had actually achieved the level of pass ability that I wanted and that when I had those moments of self doubt they didn’t make sense, because I didn’t know what those people thought I couldn’t read their minds, so I started telling myself that they were being honest, that they really did see the woman that I am and nothing more. At other times when this happened I just told myself that they were looking, because they liked my clothes, my style, or maybe they didn’t like my style, but none of that had anything to do with my being trans. I admit I had internalized transphobia to deal with, thanks to society, but I have a lot less and I continue to work on it. For me the internal work was just as important as the external. Now whenever I go about my business and someone looks at me I don’t think I’m being clocked I know I’m being admired because I have confidence in myself and I love how I look. Thank you again for a timely video.
Thank you for sharing and yes I would say the cultural context one grew up in will also affect how one see's "passing."
Thank you for this video- I find your terminology (transmaculine and transfeminine) along with your philosophy on the validity of being trans, against the grain of society's number one question- did you get surgery? Do you have the secondary sex characteristics and mannerism a person naturally born like this would?
Most of society doesn't see gender and sexuality as different- they assume if you have a set of biological characteristics you are your born sex and you are inclined towards the opposite sex. That is not the case for me- society seems to impose an expectation on me and only see my interactions in a limited frame.
I find the position of being trans very difficult, and your videos are encouraging. Thanks Dr. Z!
Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.
I want to pass to feel safer out there. It's something I can't achieve at this moment. I'm still in the closet but getting close to be able to go out for the first time. I live in Australia, which is fairly safe for the LGBTQ+ community, but I also found there's a small number of neo-nazis here which would like for people like me to be destroyed. I don't know the people in my neighbourhood and I don't know what are the chances any of them could belong to that group or share their views. I'm afraid of being seen by someone like that and for them to know where I live. I don't know what are they capable of but I know they don't see us as human and therefore they can in their own minds justify any act of violence agains us. Am I blowing my fear way out of proportion? Am I being too paranoic? I'm also autistic, have social anxiety and OCD, which I guess is not very helpful in this situation.
I am so sorry to hear of your struggles and safety is very important during this times.
I don’t feel like I can delude myself into believing I pass when I know I don’t.
Perfect video is perfect. Every time I need a specific video, you post it 😄
I'm so glad!
thank you dr z :) have a nice day
Thank you too!🫶
Dr. Z are they looking at you thinking "hay, there's Edna!" 😉
passing is important to me, and I know it's not going to happen overnight. But, now just over a year later from going full-time. I don't feel as nervous about going out in public as my preferred female self. I guess its that old say "familiarity breeds contemt!"
A BIG PASSING TIPS:
1) Integrate your preferred self into the mundane parts of your day! be that the simple things that you don't really think about - filling the car, getting cash out the ATM, going shopping. the more mundane tasks you can include, the more normal being yourself will become.
then it slowly shifts from "I'm going to the shops, I hope I don't get clocked!" to "I'm going to the shops, what do I need to get!" Your brain becomes more task focused, and every time you complete a task, the more confidence you will gain.
2) there's no need to be dressed to the 9's for everything you do!
I went to my very first pride event last week. I was dressed casually, wearing flats and was able to pass relatively easily. but I did see others turning up in massive heels and full face makeup, and wearing something that was more suited for an office, or going to a restaurant. this made them stand-out, because they were overdressed for the type of activity at hand.
now, I'm not saying I didn't get clocked - still working on my voice, which is one of my key areas of my dysphoria at the moment. but, I stayed focused on what I was doing, the task at hand and didn't let it in.
🤔 I suppose there is a little bit of "fake it til' ya make it" going on, which could be my tip 3, but I have moved on from caring if they clock me, or not. so, even though you might be somewhat nervous internally, try to not show it on the outside. you deserve to be there, and have the same right to be there as anybody else, so to hell to all everyone else, do it for you!
Hahahah maybe but who cares right! They are not paying my bills 😳 Great tips! Thank you for sharing them with others.
You're beautiful, Edna! 🥰
Great tips indeed. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Dr. Please also teach us about coping with exclusion and ostracism
Hi, will add to topic list.
Dr Z , another outstanding message. Thank you so much for all you do. ♥️
You are so welcome!
I pass all the time to strangers but I feel like if we spent more time they would start to see my "masculine characteristics" more and then relize Im trans. So thats kind of my motive for wanting more surgeries
Hope you get a chance to work on those internal fears as they may be unwarranted.
Yeah but if you want deep relationships then people are going to eventually know you’re trans, the alternative is to keep a bunch of surface level relationships, but then why would you even care
Thanks Dr Z, I totally could relate. I don’t get misgendered ever, and people (most) do perceive me as a cisgender woman (you know with the way they talk by asking about kids and periods)
Even so, I still have this fear of being clocked or not being seen as female.
And I always wonder whether I should get surgery because my hips aren’t as wide as some women, or maybe some features aren’t as small and petite as my head wish them to be .. (even tho I’m 5’5” . But say traveling to a country where females avarage between 5’ and 5’2”. My dysphoria feels heightened)
But then I try to re-centre myself and realise that actually it’s in my head a lot of the time and it’s the dysphoria and dysmorphia going hand in hand, eating away at my insecurities.
I find it hard to control it sometimes and it can be very exhausting
I'm going through a similar situation. I've never been clocked or at least been called out as trans on the streets, at work, etc. But I have been clocked maybe 3 times in bars/night clubs.. Whenever that happens, I'm hyper aware for weeks after, I feel like every person I meet or looks at me on the street is the same at that one man in the bar who called me names. It's really exhausting :( I know that I pass but maybe not 100% and I'm always scared of that 0.1 per cent who might notice and say something.
Hello! DR Z I go out on weekends and holidays as a transgender woman, I am very happy and I look forward to these days! Well, my experience is as follows: I am full of good vibes, I raise my face and walk straight ahead. I don’t look at anyone, only at those people who look insistently and I smile at them 😌 and I greet them with a lot of kindness as a beautiful woman that I am! And they answer me kindly, some and others just look at me with displeasure! And I only remember what you tell us DR Z!: “if it doesn’t bother you more power for you”. DR Z you walk with us transgender women and men! Your DR Z is our support in this transmission of our lives! Thank you and may God take care of you for being so good! 🌈🥰
Thank you for sharing! and yes, more power to you! Alway kill them with kindness and a smile.
You are absolutely fantastic. Your content is truly life changing and life saving.
Wow, thank you!
Dear Dr Z, thank you again for another so valuable lesson ❤ your thoughts and words give really perspective and good ideas on how to work on my inner world and learn how to deal with that fear. Sometimes the new reality is too good to be true and I still struggle to realize that my lifelong fight may have finally come to an end. Accepting achievements and success in our transition also requires courage and the ability to finally breathe in and let go. Thanks again for your inspirational words and I wish you a lovely day 🙏 I'm happy to know your channel!
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
While it's nice to be read as female, there's a lot of effort involved in doing that. Makeup. Hair (wig in my case). Feminine clothing. Heels. There are times when I do do that stuff and I like it, but that's more for special occasions than the norm. I know some women put on a full face of makeup every day, but I also know women who only occasionally wear makeup, if ever, and I'm more like the latter than the former. I don't want to go to that level of effort every day.
We live in a society where even cis people are sometimes thought to be trans people, so I ended up concluding that it doesn't matter. As long as I can live my life on my terms, that's what it's all about - I transitioned for my happiness.
In my day to day life, nobody seems to care. Maybe people stare at me; I don't know, because I don't look for it. I'm most sensitive towards others in single-sex spaces, and there I try to use my deep, bass voice as little as possible because I'm not looking to cause anxiety in others, though, of course, I'm there to use the facility in the same way as any other woman would be. I do make an effort to somewhat feminise my voice at those times.
I did feel a bit of an imposter until I started identifying as a non-binary trans woman. There are masculine aspects of me that I just don't want to change. I'm using non-binary in the sense that there are masculine and feminine aspects of me, and trans woman in the sense that I have transitioned medically and socially. I didn't realise it was possible to identify as both until recently, but that seems to match my internal sense of gender as far as my conscious mind can tell.
Great points! And yes, we live in a world were gender is becoming more arbitrary.
Wow DR Z PHD I Just Found Your Channel 👍 Im A Transsexual Man And I Love Your Content I Think Your Brilliant Watching A Couple of Videos Thank You So Good 👍
Best video in the history of RUclips! ❤
If you find someone staring at you, look them in the eyes and smile. This will disarm them.
I go out a lot and no not care if I "pass" or not! But a few times have found a few new friends!!! Even gone out on dates!! I am 89yrs!!!!!!
That’s so great that you have such attitude!
I've only been socially transitioned for a couple of months now. I'm under no illusion that I 'pass', and the framework around "people who care about passing" doesn't really resonate for me. But I am stared at, constantly, particularly by women. Some people can't seem to help themselves - I meet their eyes and they look away, and when I look away, they start staring again. I tell myself all kinds of things to try to minimize this - i.e. that staring is neutral, that cis women have dealt with objectifying stares their whole lives, that I've just broken their gendering machine, etc. But I find it exhausting, because I feel vigilant and self-conscious with each stare. I wish I didn't, but it gets to the point that I want to go out in 'man-mode' not because that feels good, but at least no one will stare at me. I'd love to just say f 'em, or whatever, but my nervous system isn't buying it. I try to follow the advice various people give about confidence, meeting their gaze, etc., and I can do that, but it feels like it takes something out of me every time, such that I feel exhausted at being out in public rather than the joy I felt in my presentation when I left the house.
The nervousness making u clocky part really helped lmao
Glad to hear.
+DRZPHD *"Clocking" doesn't occur only to transes and enbies.* @KelliMarissa moved 2022 to Las Vegas, NV, USA, and got called out as a Jersey Shorewoman.
Yes you are right
I know people see me as a woman because I always get gendered correctly but how can I know whether they see me as a cis woman? In other words how can I know whether they can tell that I’m trans?
Honestly, you can’t and I think chasing that knowing is a loosing game that will drive you nuts. Also, how often will you see those ppl again?
@@DRZPHD well, it depends on the person. I’m more curious about it with my coworkers who I see every week, for example, than with people I pass on the street.
I work remotely so I mostly see my coworkers over video chat. We had an in-person conference a couple months ago where I met everyone for a few days.
I didn’t get any signals from anyone that they see me as anything other than a woman or that they see me as cis or trans, one way or the other.
So yeah it’s probably best to just accept that they see me as a woman and not worry about whether they can tell if I’m trans. It’s just hard to let that go. Maybe it will get easier with time.
My issue is I am getting clocked by other trans people. This freaks me out because if another trans person can clock me then a cis person can as well
I am sorry to hear.
My Mate gets mis gendered on the phone because his voice is high pitched. Soprano. I have a deep alto bass. But they mis gender me because all my legal papers still say Female on them. But they hear me on the phone and their brains have to do gymnastics with these incompatible inputs. Sometimes they say sir when they had a few minutes of dialogue but as soon as they start reading any official information about me they self corrected to female and don’t know what’s going on. They don’t intentionally do it. IT’s information biases are neurological not conscious actions. Often they end up apologizing profusely over it. I really do need to get that paper work done though it’s going to be a while.
I don't care about passing as a female I just go out as a man wearing a skirt or dress Everyday i wear a long straight skirt with stockings and suspenders going to my local shop the female staff like it And recently gave away a fres long office wear pencil dress to a young lady working there If you try it on it fits it's yours she tried it on perfect fit it's yours
That’s great that passing doesn’t matter to you!!!!! Own yourself!
@@DRZPHD Thankyou for your kind comment It means Alot to me Would you like to a few pictures of me wearing a skirt
I find a way that helps get over the "they're just pretending to be nice" feelings is remembering that cis people are actually very very bad at pretending
OMG great point and so true.
Yea
Iam not afraid of being clocked because Iam not passing anyway xD
Ohhhhhh
Maravilhosa linda ❤❤
Before ever even transitioning, one has to take into consideration that one will at some point be “clocked” - that’s just part of being Trans!
Me? I never let it bother me as long as I’m not in any physical harm.
I watch my back and keep my distance for folks. 👑
Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.
ugghhh
Of course there would be an anti-Trans ad before your video. 😢
Sorry can’t control which ads get placed.
Omg red nail polish? 💅What happened?
Oh being clocked,,yikes 😬hmm ya it happens it suxs and it hurts ,keep in mind it is a passing thing and feeling, eventually you get over it and then you start to not give a shit.
Personally I pass 99.9 percent of the time ,maybe I am not a good example
but the key for me is confidence confidence confidence!!!!
LOL Jen! Why is everyone surprised by red? I think that was the initial color I used.
Yes it is confidents a 10000000000%%%%%%