My claim to fame is that a few weeks after 9/11, I was the only passenger on a small regional plane. The stewardess made her safety speech directly to me and I had to look like I was paying attention, lest I appear very rude. The pilot addressed "the passenger." Talk about surreal.
Lol strongly agree! British airports are easily the worst - simultaneously too small AND too big. Hi-tech enough to feel inhuman and low-grade enough to feel like a neglected hospital.
@@Biosynchro I would never expect an airport to be 'pretty'. So when a regional airport, in a sub-tropical climate, has a pretty wooden walkway to enter, surrounded by tropical plants - then I think, hmmmm, nice 😊 /Airports are unique ecosystems for the people who work there. Or provide regular deliveries or essential services. (The one I worked at had ~ 5,000 employees.) The hushed, carpeted executive offices upstairs. Away from all the turmoil of check-in counters or customs. The subterranean staffroom used for meals and breaks. The only daylight came in from a long panel of window just below ceiling height. And my personal favourite .... in certain wind and weather conditions, the jet fuel fumes would be sucked into the buildings. LOVE that smell!! 😄
Gatwick, early morning flight: security check picked my overused, slightly gone 'cloudy' plastic transparent bag, told me I have to put those things in a transparent plastic bag... and he placed my slightly non-perfectly transparent bag INSIDE his new transparent bag... and then put it back in the tray. I am still having uncontrollable spasms when I think back to the scene.
Airports are basically giant shopping malls with planes as an afterthought. I hate the way they make you walk through all the shops before you get to the seating areas.
i hate that too theres just so many damn shops now like. a drinks bar/cafe and restaurant to have some thing to eat is just fine nothing is ever "enough" these days
I once saw a roll along suitcase in the middle of Heathrow standing on its own. It was like the dolly zoom shot in Jaws. Totally unattended with people walking around completely oblivious to what I’d decided was an atomic bomb about to explode. Shitting myself, I bravely and quickly alerted a security staff member only for him to reply, “cheers mate” and fucking kick roll it repeatedly until it was behind a help desk. I walk everywhere now.
Many years ago when the IRA were busy I was on a very very crowded tube from gospel oak ( I think) to Euston as the intercity train had been terminated short at Gospel Oak( I think). I was crammed in next to another bloke and a huge army kitbag. I asked if it was his and and he said It wasnt I shrugged and said Well we won’t know fck all about it. There wasn’t anything else to do!
I was once in Gatwick when the fire alarm went off. I weighed the relative demerits of grabbing my coat and bag before following the evacuation route signs vs leaving them unattended in an airport, decided to grab them, and started evacuating. When I'd gone a fair distance and observed that no-one else, including airport staff, was paying any attention to the alarm, I thought I might as well go back to the main hall. Still don't know what that was about.
My main hate in modern airports is that the space dedicated to passengers and waiting areas is far smaller than that taken up by row upon row of shops. I object to having to stand waiting for a plane because the nth shop has eaten up yet more free space which could have been used to make passengers sit comfortably.
Too true. I go from "I hope they are not in my check-in queue" to " I hope they are not on my flight" to "I hope they are not near me" to "I hope they are not sitting next to me" to "Oh bu**er!"
I used to work in airport security in one of the smaller UK airports. The airport underpaid us and had us do stupid shifts, and as a result the average turnover of a security officer was about 12 weeks. The airport was paying £1 million in training every year (in 2018) JUST to retrain new staff, rather than try and retain the existing ones. Now, as we all know, new staff don't have the same experience and awareness of old staff - so the mass of inexperienced security staff were more likely to fail x-rayed luggage, which meant it was more likely to be checked, which inevitably increased the queues and so they became much longer than was really necessary. I'd known people to miss their flight because they hadn't arrived 2 hours before the flight was due and had spent almost that long in the Security Hall. But companies need to make a profit to pay their shareholders and CEOs, so I guess that makes it alright.
Agree with the previous poster, airports were hell to me. Thankfully, cd-players, and later mp3-players rolled along, and teenage me could at least hide from some of the noise and bustle behind music. I still have a tough time at the airport, but it's a lot less stressful without the parents, and knowing that I might treat myself to a meal or even a beer once I'm done with all the cues and other bullshit.
My 5 biggest anxiety triggers in life are all encapsulated in an airport: Queuing! Slow walkers! Shopping! Stupid people! Security staff with a a strange sense of self importance!
You forgot to mention the added stress of worrying if your clear sealable bag is of that particular airport's regulation size. True story: a bag I'd used a dozen times at Birmingham was deemed, by East Midlands, to be 2cm too long therefore requiring the use of one of their bags meaning i had to do the 'repack of shame' at a table in front of all the other passengers . I have now vowed to avoid EMA at all costs 😭
I had a similar experience at Stanstead airport. Even though the regulations state you can take up to 1 litre of fluids in 100ml bottles, and I only had 7 bottles so 0.7L, one jobsworth insisted that I couldn't take all of them because they wouldn't all fit in one bag, and I was only allowed one bag!
Oooohhhh I've done the "repack of shame" - publicly paraded over to the long table, in the spotlight, to be ritualistically emasculated and defenestrated, at 4:49 in the fucking morning, sans caffeine, to unpack my industrially-compressed articles of clothing - especially underwear, for some apparently karmic reason - from around the neck of my guitar, and to be tiredly lectured along whatever arbitrary current line of institutional "logic" exist that specifically make me look and feel like a giant asshole. 👍
Lol, my dad would take me and my sister to the airport when we were younger as a "holiday." We didn't even have tickets to go anywhere. We would just go to all the terminals, ride the public transportation, and watch everyone traveling. We loved it! hahahaaahaaa
I once flew with Flybe to Manchester, they dimantled my electric wheelchair even though I told them not to - they disconnected a lead and reconnected it wrong, I didn't realise until my chair stopped in the middle of a zebra crossing amid traffic - had to be pushed to the other side.
You need to remember that passengers are not the customers of the airport. Passengers are the customer of the airline. The customers of the airport are the shops, restaurants, airlines and perhaps the car parking companies. Airports only care about the airlines, shops and restaurants. That's why the duty free store can wrap around the walkway that leads out of security. That is way they can put less seats and more cafe seating. Passengers are an inconvenience to the airport requiring security staff, toilets and baggage processing. Airports will never look after the passengers, only the shops and airlines. There is a shortage of flight slots, so a limited number of flights, and the passenger will fly anyway (given they are 100% dependent on the airline and where the airline flies). At best the passenger might be able to select one airport out of 2 or 3 local ones, but they are all owned by the same company so good luck.
My brother was delayed getting off a plane at Frankfurt. He came out last, about five minutes after everyone else. My brother had no sense of direction, at all. He was wandering down endless corridors as you describe, opened a door at the end of it, stepped out to find himself on the tarmac. The door closed, of course, no external handle. So he starts walking across the taxiways, only to see a bloody great Antonov coming into land, the enormous airlifter! It lands, tailgate drops, lots of uniformed guys scurry out, a couple of jeeps scream out closely followed by four 6x6 lorries. Cue loads of shouting and running around in circles, from the ground crew. The engines, which haven't been cut, start running up again, then off it goes and almost straight out onto the runway off into the wild blue yonder! He said it was almost dreamlike. He found a door with a handle on it, eventually, and stepped back on the front concourse. My brother was one of those guys, crap like that used to happen to him. It was never less than, mmmm, interesting hanging around with him.
Duty free might be the most baffling place in existence. Maybe one day in the past it was actually worth buying things there but now its genuinely overpriced, and everything is way too cumbersome to conveniently travel with anyway. Also didn't I just get told to drop several kilograms of weight at the check-in desk? Why on earth am I now being allowed to buy an 6 litres of Bourbon?!
I can't say no to duty free retail therapy! Even there I make bargains. ☺️ I got a set of Lancôme juicy tubes gloss at £15.00 once. That was a sound day. 😀
Going through security at San Francisco airport around 2008, returning to the UK, I took my wedding ring off and put it in the plastic tray since the signs said ALL metal had to go in the tray. Got dressed again after and headed off, then realised my ring was missing. Cold sweat. Ran back to the security area but my tray had gone. Spoke to a member of staff who, I'm not joking, PUT HER HAND ON HER GUN the moment I approached her and kept it there the whole time. She sent someone off to the big pile of trays that had been collected and thankfully they found it and returned it to me. The woman with her hand on the gun then proceeded to berate me for taking it off and putting it in the tray, as per the instructions on the signs!
My "favorite" airport experience is being given a ticket without a gate number on it, having to flag down a random airport employee, that employee scanning the ticket and telling me the WRONG gate number, waiting at the wrong gate for an hour because none of the signs showing departures are working and then missing my flight. To addinsult to injury, my luggage wasn't taken off the plane as they're supposed to, so I had to pack a new bag and buy new clothes. Once I finally get to Oslo, turns out my suitcase isn't there either, it's fucking dissapeared in thin air because it got tossed back into a random plane rather than being taken off and it flew around Europe for 10 months until someone in Dusseldorf grew a brain and decided to call the phone number on the piece of rogue luggage that's seemingly been transported to every major airport in Europe without its owner. I'm never flying again, I'd rather take a multiple-day train trip.
People in the UK don't have much of an option though. It's either dealing with airports, or swimming, if they want to get anywhere. So yeah, in winter, they tend to fly...
@@EvenTheDogAgrees You are saying as if there aren't many ferry routes and a whole-ass tunnel to get you to the mainland. Flying is quicker in most cases, but that doesn't mean it's the *only* option
@@mynamejeff3545 those options were purposefully ignored in order to make a silly joke. I mean, you didn't actually think I believe the British swim across the pond in summer, but resort to flying when the water gets too cold in winter, did you? 🤣
Counterpoint: Without airports, we wouldn't have Brian Eno's 1978 masterpiece "Ambient 1: Music for Airports", without which we wouldn't have ambient music as a genre.
The shoes! The taking off of the shoes like we are already convicted terrorists, trudging towards our judgement. And security body checks. I am ALWAYS taken out of line for a pat down. It makes me feel so nervous when I fly that I act nervously guilty, making me an obvious body language target as someone who should be patted down. It’s a self fulfilling nightmare for me to travel by air.
It's the advent of these security checks that do my head in - belts off, shoes off or not, the new body scanners, rushing to get things in trays, etc. I do remember when flying was a relatively pleasurable experience but that's way back in the eighties. You had to flash your boarding pass and that was you! I absolutely hate security.
I spent 17 hours in queues in Stansted on Christmas Eve for a replacement flight once because their ticket reading gates just… didn’t work. The next shift of staff on Christmas Day had no idea that this happened and claimed all 200 of us “missed the flight”. I eventually got a 6:00 flight to an adjacent country, with 10 mins notice before the boarding was to finish. 10 minutes. I ran screaming and shoving all other holiday makers, pushed through the security queues and actually made it. Fuck Stansted. Fuck airports.
£2 water bottles. I read sometime ago that liquid bombs had stopped being a threat about a decade ago. They've kept the rules though. They herd us like sheep.
The main stress in airports were added around mid September in 2001. They make me feel like a criminal when they're supposed to make you want to repeat your visit.
I remember Denver Jepensen Hall with a very manual security process, Shoes off, Backpack emptied, Legs screened, were walked three twice through body xray, Everything one by one, boarding pass for an hour. In 2003. 2007 this was reduced to oneway screening, nothing more. 2008, the body screener was added. But Frankfurt screened us twice in 2007 and 2008. Then I stopped flying to the US. In 2022, I was rushed through security at Chicago with “durch durch durch, faster fastrr faster, go go go.”. The only mayhem was when 300 pax and me flew Singapore from New york to Frankfurt. Then the TSA resigned and shouted “Yoooo, leave your damn notebooks in the suitecase.” because 300 people were there. Then I got Global Entry.
Anytime I can I choose Train. Whenever I need to fly I feel like an animal in a slaughterhouse. Go to gate, walk between railings, undress for check.... I know it's safety but at the same dehumanising. Not to mention the plane which is designed to squeeze as many people as possible. Not that trains are any better these days but still at least you are free to leave on the nearest station. How is that I was born in 90's yet still feel nostalgic about the way people traveled in the 50's and 60's.
When I was a teenager my parents booked a holiday that flew from Manchester. This was back at the end of the 90s. It took off at about 5am, and my Dad didn't want to drive there from Nottingham, so we took a bus but the only one we could get got us there the night before the flight. So he got us a hotel, right? Nope. We "slept" overnight in the airport (i.e. nobody got any sleep at all). While we were there, stressed and bored out of our minds, I went for a wander to stretch my legs, ended up on a balcony near an entrance. A group of young adults, I'd say early 20s, appeared to be on a night out. They walked in, two women split off from the group, went under one of the escalators and whipped their knickers down so that they could piss on the floor. I've not been back.
Pure genius! I once walked for seemingly an hour to get to either the North or South terminal at Gatport Airwick to arrive is a static carousel of despair. After a long wait to board we sat for 40 minutes because there was a bag on the plane but not the passenger, however the traveller was present just unable to recognise his own name during the repeated announcement and to add insult to injury the delay continued when the baggage handlers had to then return the suitcase to the hold.
@@Liusila I'm never able to understand the public messages in airports - the loudspeakers are seemingly crap and the pitch of the announcers' voices always go up and down while speaking at 100mph 😞
Michael's vlog reminded me of a very old American sci-fi thriller, of the Twilight Zone type where an aeroplane with passengers flies through a thunderstorm but somehow enters a tear in the space time continuum. They manage to land at the airport which is completely empty and devoid of people. All clocks have stopped. They wander round a deserted airport. Of course, at the end, suddenly people reappear, and the clocks start moving. The people were always there but the aeroplane passengers and crew were in another dimension and reality. Normal reality wasn't visible to them. Just like the main terminal at Gatwick Airport in other words. I know. I've been there.
That's the miniseries The Langoliers, based on the Stephen King story, in case you ever want to see it again. It's not very good; most King adaptations (especially at the time) aren't. When you say Twilight Zone and airplanes, the one that immediately comes to mind is Nightmare at 20.000 Feet, starring a young William Shatner. I remember that one being quite scary back when I first saw it as a kid, although by today's standards, the monster costume can only be described as laughable. Still, a pretty decent episode, if you can look past the dated visuals.
@EvenTheDogAgrees When I say Twilight Zone type, I mean the weird stories that featured on the TZ that were typically on the border of Sci fi, supernatural, ghost story, second sight etc. I'm not saying it was in the series The Twilight Zone. I can't remember tbh. It may or may not have been. I think it was feature length thus unlikely to be TZ unless they made TV movies. 📺 Like I said I don't know and can't remember the title.
@AndriyValdensius-wi8gw The Langoliers. Very bad cg monsters come and eat reality after the flow of time has moved past it.. the passengers and crew all have to race to escape back through the wormhole or whatever.
They also refuse to tell you the flight is cancelled for hours, even though they know its not happeneing, seemingly just so they can keep you trapped in thier hellscape for longer. I had the pleasure of a flight being canceled in Bilbao, where they only passed on the info the flight wasnt happening when they closed the airport and all the staff left. Not even a coffee shop left open. I was equally infuriated and bamboozled at the same time. Do you know how to drive up the price of tickets for a flight? Have a plane load of passengers all hit the internet at the same time, all trying to book tickets for the earliest possible flights, from the same place to the same destination. £60 ticket, that'll be £500 please, high demand don't you know? Oh, you think you'll just go to a hotel? The hotels use the same algorithm as ticket booking, so a 1 night stay in a cheap hotel now cost the same as a monthly mortgage payment. And theres no buses/taxis because the airports closed.
Surviving airports is the new extreme sport. Had the misfortune to spend 9 hours at CdG Paris last August. The newly revamped airside section was a shrine to bankruptcy inducing consumerism - wall to wall french designer goods but not a single coffee shop! After 7:00pm, the only available food & beverages (aside from the 4 star restaurent) were from the newsagents & they didnt serve tea or have any milk. Don't even get me started on the vending machines, seats, various bins & the 2k trek to the loos. Would make me avoid Paris in future. 😤
My weirdest event was during the later stages of Covid. An Airbus A350, there were 3 passengers on the flight which carried maximum 315 people. I was first told to sit anywhere. I accidentally sat in premium economy and was told to move by a Japanese stewardess to an economy seat right next to it - the whole section of the aircraft was empty. Some people are like robots.
I was transferring through Heathrow on my way home with my partner. Her bag got stopped at security so they asked what was in it, which after 12 hours on a plane we had no idea any longer and they wouldn't show us the x-ray images because that would clearly be cheating. The guy started telling us how bad it looked for her and acting like he was terrified. All of which was obviously distressing for us who couldn't remember what was in the bag but where pretty sure it wasn't a block of C4. Turned out to be a pack of chocolate digestives!
So well said. I use Uk airports almost every week late evenings ans early mornings. My recipe is : avoid buying food there (stock at home or M&S before), noise cancelling earbuds and sunglasses to avoid all sensorial violence of duty free, only one rucksack, no liquids (invest in solid soap, deodorants, toothpaste tabs), run through security 30m before gate closes and ignore ryanair final calls messages on screen, be the last one to board and pick the empty seats at the back (again to reduce sensorial violence)
I spent almost 15 years flying internationally around Europe (part of my job at the time) almost weekly, or at the very least twice a month... hundreds and hundreds of flights, or is it thousands, i don't even know ... but a LIFETIMES WORTH! I can happily say I haven't flown ANYWHERE in 10 years and I don't bloody plan to :) I hate airports passionately and would rather drive for 2x days than fly for 3 or 4 hours. F* that!
Did Paris and Brussels alternate weeks for 2 years then Brussels once a month for 1 year. I think 3 flights were on time over that period. I also had my on the ground collision - lost part of our tail plane to the wing of a 747. Only a couple of hours late for my meeting that time. I don't intend to fly again ostensibly for climate reasons but actually why waste a lot of time in unpleasant surroundings to get into a metal tube to breathe a lot of other people's germs in impossibly cramped conditions?
Missed a flight once because the my girlfriends sister did not have the correct size plastic bag, so I offered to go out of the queue and purchase one from one of those machines. When I tried to get back in the electronic gate would not let me back in, that was because it said I was now late, so could no longer pass. Stanstead my most hated airport...
2:30 i love these queues, You start off the first pass with a nod then a raised eye brow getting vocal with alright, ayup, yo(finger guns) you then have to wind it back down to a nod.
I loathe airports and being herded like cattle through an abbatoir. This is why I take ferries to the continent. A far more human experience. All that scrambling for your seat and trying to find room for your bag in the overhead locker gives me the screaming heeby-jeebies.
Since time doesn't exist in airports (as you so keenly observed), they have to use carpets (which "capture moments in time," as you again keenly observed) as time anchors, otherwise they would phase out of our dimension entirely. Which actually would be a great outcome for humanity, come to think of it. By the way, I'm immensely enjoying this new format for your videos, Michael. First and foremost because they're longer (and your short skits, while stellar, always left me wanting for more), but also because you masterfully blend the video essay format together with just the right amount of comedy and humour. The result is that you simultaneously convey the message of 'let's don't take ourselves too seriously' while making us, the audience, reflect more on certain aspects of modern society. As an early fan of your work, I can't but wish you an even greater success. Cheers! //Rick
Absolutely brilliant. I hate airports too. The people who work in them have forgotten that they work in a service industry and generally treat you with total contempt. The security staff may be a necessary evil but they are the spawn of the devil. Enough said as I’m getting annoyed now!!
I agree with absolutely everything you’re saying, & all of it is why I LOVE airports. That feeling of time not existing, & that we’re all just walking through strange corridors, past strange doors & signs announcing flights to cities that you forgot existed or never even knew existed, & past all the shops where everything seems a little too sparkly (booze bottles, diamond-encrusted watches, etc)…. I LOVE how surreal it all feels. It’s like being in the Wood Between the Worlds from the Narnia books. Which means there IS a risk of forgetting you are & becoming a zombie but it still feels SO nice. It’s a space that just encourages doing nothing for a little while, so it usually just relaxes me. Security is a miserable fucking joke though.
Oh god. Doesn't that put u off ever flying again? Not just the too much knowledge, but everyone either excitedly going on holiday, or returning completely depressed. Okay... maybe u should just go to work & and not overthink it 😅
Had to spend 24 hours waiting for a flight in JFK. A very odd experience. Customs officers were incredibly rude and belligerent, he took me away because I eczema on my face and tried to create a situation about it as if I had some kind of contagious zombie disease. After I was cleared through we missed our connection flight so we got rebooked only for the gate on the ticket didn’t match the gate in reality so we missed that too, rebooked for tomorrow. None of food in the airport seemed real or tasted of anything, the staff had no sense of professionalism, and the whole place was air conditioned so cold and dry which is quite uncomfortable when having to survive in it all night with skin like mine.
Call me crazy, but I love airports. Love the energy and excitement of them, love the anonymity of being in one, love the “non-place” vibe they give off, love the feeling of “mission accomplished” once you’re through security etc and you can just chill out before your flight. It’s always a treat to be in an airport!
What I don't like about them though is the whole nonsense getting there in the first place. You have to arrive 2h before your flight departs. Why? No clue; dealing with all the formalities and queues "only" takes about 1 hour. The rest of the time you're just killing time in the boarding area. And often they're located in large cities that are a b*tch to get to; you're already stressed out from worrying if you'll even make it on time because you're stuck in a damn traffic jam. However, there's this one airport over here, which is somewhat nice. It's a smaller one, and you still get to walk out onto the tarmac and climb aboard via those old-fashioned stairs, or at least, that was my experience about a decade ago. For a minute, you'd feel like you were part of the 60's jet-set.
THANK YOU for saying my thoughts. Even paying for lounges, business class, didn't improve the experience. I am not flying in 2024, airports are the absolute ghetto. 🗑 🚮
years ago (no one cares) I went to Coventry airport and it was just a porta cabin with no bullshit, it was bliss. I feel your pain Michael - I'm still at Manchester Airport... been here 11 years, just waiting inside a wrapped Toberlone.
When I was flying from Mozambique back to Gatwick we had an interchange within the airport with 5h to spare. We (my family) were lamenting the fact that we were going to be bored and looking at eateries to kill some time. we decided to check in the luggage first as to not need to drag them around. We realised after waiting 1hr in the queue that it spitted you out into security so we just accepted that we'd eat on the other side- However, the simple fact was that despite around 50 check-in bays were open there were only 8 security checkpoints so that the wait took 2 and a half hours with the queue continually getting bigger. /we got out with 1hr and some changeso begin walking to our gate. It took an hour has my mother had an injured knee. so we waited as the flight was delayed and begun boarding. This meant we had no time to eat or sit because it took 5 HOURS TO GO LESS THAN A MILE!!!
I have always felt sorry for those poor souls who have fallen so far that they need to work in an airport. Imagine having to go there EVERY DAY, and you don't even get a holiday to recover from it. Also, I wonder if someone were to change the clocks so they all said different times how long it would be before people truly lost their minds?
I have only ever flown in a plane from Gatwick > Abu Dhabi > Dubai and back again in 2003, I really don't want to fly again, yes even back then the airport system was crap, the flight itself yeah ok ........BUT on way back a nasty bloke laid across some seats in a middle row with his feet coming across my chest with smelly socks on, ended up a big argument between him and the staff mid flight, I ended up in first class he was handcuffed to a seat for the rest of the journey, he got arrested on arrival at Gatwick I rode my unicycle for / through customs. What an experience that was.
Love all your stuff! As an architect who used to work in aviation I have likely worked on some of the hellish spaces you've suffered in, so I thought I'dd add a few comments. 1 - An airport's primary concern will be secutiry operations: surveillance, monitoring, keeping 'clean' passengers separate to 'dirty' ones and so on. This concern dominates all design decisions. Secondly, an airport's cash cow is renting retail space so maximising retail space is an obvious business driver for them. This means that the human experience is an after thought. The best you can hope for is a sympathetic architect who can convince the airport to value the human experience a bit more. Good luck. 2 - Most delays are the result of airports working as close to full capacity as possible, so there is no wiggle room for error. What would people actually prefer: fewer (and therefore more expensive) flights that were managed better, or, maximum (ie cheaper) flights with an inherent degree of chaos? 3 - Airports in the UK are deeply unpleasant, but this is not true globally. Madrid Terminal 5 is a particular favourite of mine, and a lot of new build airports in Asia are very nice.
Yes, I was going to say - I wonder if Michael has flown in Asia much. Best and most enjoyable travel experiences of my life. American airports are fine too as long as you know the system and pay for Pre Check. Money, as in most things, greases the way.
Thank you for explaining every airport experience in eleven minutes. You did forget about getting to your destination and hoping that your bags have made it
Back in the 1970s you generally had an airport for scheduled flights that was quiet and sophisticated and used by rich people and business travellers. Next door, or round the back, there would be a large tin shed where you went if you were taking a "charter" flight, which was the only sort of flight normal people could afford. This shed didn't even offer the retail insanity found in modern airports, and the catering facilities would be limited to a vending machine that sold out in 1958.
Airports are also often inaccessible as hell to disabled people, despite some progress being made (begrudgingly). Not a massive fan of airports and planes, being autistic, though thankfully I try and overshadow it with my excitement of the destination (find it impossible to sleep on a plane, and hate the noise).
As a former road warrior who also formerly waited impatiently for the bar to open at 7:00 AM for those 8 beers, I can say without hesitation that having both out of my life has changed everything for the better.
I was on the train to Heathrow when all of the UK airspace shut down in Aug 2023 due to an issue with air traffic control. They actually did really well, but then again I wasn’t expecting every random staff member to already have an answer to an unanswerable question (when will the airspace open again? Why was I not informed in advance about this?). Got through in about 30 secs for the phone number for BA who booked me on a flight the next day and confirmed I could book my own hotel and claim that back. But I actually love airports.
February 2023, at the tender age of 63 I missed my first ever flight. 12 Hours then hanging around in a foreign airport overnight, NEVER again! Returning finally to Gatwick I was a Zombie at rush hour!
Thousands of people bottle necking into flying tin cans. What other outcome could be expected? Although if you visit airports in Singapore, paris, madrid, dubai, lisbon, istanbul, moscow, warsaw, hong kong etc the experiences there are far more comfortable than most UK airports.
All of this was accurate. My personal vision of hell is being stuck in that compulsory corridor of consumption everyone is forced through after the security gate. I am surrounded by food I am allergic to and aftershaves that all smell the same and make my nostrils burn.
Agreed with every word. Is there a customer experience in any industry as terrible as the one provided by air travel companies? They actively treat paying customers with contempt.
What really annoys me is how they throw away any liquid you have that's larger than a thimble for 'security reasons'. When has anyone ever made a bomb out of a tiny bottle of hand lotion?
This channel is vastly underrated. And this is absolutely spot on. You perfectly catch every single one of my feelings at an airport. I can't even begin to describe the feeling of joy and relief when I finally step into that claustrophobic tube taking me places at 800km per hour that is the plane's passenger cabin. Oh, and one thing that you forgot is the £1.50 dried out ham and cheese sandwich (garnished with a single lettuce leaf that's turning brown around the edges) you get to buy at the bargain airport price of only £8.70. Getting thirsty because of how dry this thing is? Well, since you had to abandon your 45p 1l waterbottle at security, you can get a .5l bottle for only £3.50 to go with your dried out sandwich with the vintage lettuce.
Well I used to handle refuse at a London airport, and the layouts are awful but it really makes you wonder about how much we throw away that’s still good. Actually taking home useable waste was the highlight of my day.
One extra trauma ... at least involving any flights to/from Scotland ... is the riot of people suddently deciding to jostle into something approximating a queue at the gate somewhere between 5 and 10 minutes before boarding is ready to begin so that they are first to fill up the overhead sections with their carry-on luggage and duty free.
I will counter that (largely accurate) criticism with: Singapore Airport. It's probably the best airport in the world and is more like a theme park than a scary metal bird embarkation building. There's a colossal circular waterfall where you can sit among plants and tress and just chill out. If it wasn't for the fact that it most likely cost as much as the GDP of Scotland, every airport should have one.
*THIS IS WHY I GO BY TRAIN* or even ship rather than fly - i deeply H4T3 the entire experience - it is misery from the moment i leave my house to the moment I arrive at my destination OR I can get on a train and zip across Europe, a ferry and have a nice meal and a sleep.
@@WeeWeeJumboI used to have to go from the north of the UK to the south of France every month - it was SO much nicer to get the ferry from Hull and the train - or even ferry and drive than to fly...
We had the worst train experiences from hell last year from Austria to Holland. It's going to take a lot to get me back on one again for a long trip. Ruined it for me.
I travel from Glasgow to Belfast a lot. I now drive 2 hours down the Ayrshire coast, pay about 5 times the price for the Stena Line ferry which takes over 2 hours to cross as opposed to 35 minutes on the plane. I do this just to avoid the airport.
And then there was the time when my backpack had to go through the security scanner four times before they unpacked it, leaving me to stand there, humiliated and scorned. They had set the scanner so sensitive that my Kindle triggered it. This after being told there was no need to remove my Kindle. Looking at you, DUB!
My claim to fame is that a few weeks after 9/11, I was the only passenger on a small regional plane. The stewardess made her safety speech directly to me and I had to look like I was paying attention, lest I appear very rude. The pilot addressed "the passenger." Talk about surreal.
They could have learned your name and just call you that lol
@Liusila Not if u're British. U just keep calm & carry on 😅
😂
😂
🤣 mental story
Lol strongly agree!
British airports are easily the worst - simultaneously too small AND too big. Hi-tech enough to feel inhuman and low-grade enough to feel like a neglected hospital.
As Douglas Adams said "It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on Earth has ever produced the expression 'as pretty as an airport''"
Shame really. A few airports are actually wonderful. What's that famous one from the 1960s? The one by Eero Saarinen. That's a masterpiece.
@@Biosynchro I would never expect an airport to be 'pretty'. So when a regional airport, in a sub-tropical climate, has a pretty wooden walkway to enter, surrounded by tropical plants - then I think, hmmmm, nice 😊 /Airports are unique ecosystems for the people who work there. Or provide regular deliveries or essential services. (The one I worked at had ~ 5,000 employees.) The hushed, carpeted executive offices upstairs. Away from all the turmoil of check-in counters or customs. The subterranean staffroom used for meals and breaks. The only daylight came in from a long panel of window just below ceiling height. And my personal favourite .... in certain wind and weather conditions, the jet fuel fumes would be sucked into the buildings. LOVE that smell!! 😄
Gatwick, early morning flight: security check picked my overused, slightly gone 'cloudy' plastic transparent bag, told me I have to put those things in a transparent plastic bag... and he placed my slightly non-perfectly transparent bag INSIDE his new transparent bag... and then put it back in the tray. I am still having uncontrollable spasms when I think back to the scene.
Airports are basically giant shopping malls with planes as an afterthought. I hate the way they make you walk through all the shops before you get to the seating areas.
Extremely overpriced shops at that!
i hate that too
theres just so many damn shops now like. a drinks bar/cafe and restaurant to have some thing to eat is just fine
nothing is ever "enough" these days
It's not overpriced it's tax free 😉😉 @@Liusila
That's one of the things that annoys me about flying in the UK, no idea why they designed them like that
irk, i'm always late and have to run through the maze of shops to get to the gate
I once saw a roll along suitcase in the middle of Heathrow standing on its own. It was like the dolly zoom shot in Jaws. Totally unattended with people walking around completely oblivious to what I’d decided was an atomic bomb about to explode. Shitting myself, I bravely and quickly alerted a security staff member only for him to reply, “cheers mate” and fucking kick roll it repeatedly until it was behind a help desk. I walk everywhere now.
Many years ago when the IRA were busy I was on a very very crowded tube from gospel oak ( I think) to Euston as the intercity train had been terminated short at Gospel Oak( I think). I was crammed in next to another bloke and a huge army kitbag. I asked if it was his and and he said It wasnt I shrugged and said Well we won’t know fck all about it. There wasn’t anything else to do!
I was once in Gatwick when the fire alarm went off. I weighed the relative demerits of grabbing my coat and bag before following the evacuation route signs vs leaving them unattended in an airport, decided to grab them, and started evacuating. When I'd gone a fair distance and observed that no-one else, including airport staff, was paying any attention to the alarm, I thought I might as well go back to the main hall. Still don't know what that was about.
Amazing work
😂😂😂😂
I think those very expensive, exclusive looking designer shops that are nearly always empty must be soul destroying places to work.
Boring but a job’s a job.
places with no windows make dreadful workplaces. those shops always seem to be fully enclosed. how difficult would it be to put a skylight in?
they are literally filled to the brim with foreign Muslims. ironically one of the few people they can get to do those sh.t jobs
Busy places are worse 🤡
My main hate in modern airports is that the space dedicated to passengers and waiting areas is far smaller than that taken up by row upon row of shops. I object to having to stand waiting for a plane because the nth shop has eaten up yet more free space which could have been used to make passengers sit comfortably.
"Time doesn't exists in airports". Very true. And at the same time it exists so much that you're worried you can't get to the gate in time.
Too true. I go from "I hope they are not in my check-in queue" to " I hope they are not on my flight" to "I hope they are not near me" to "I hope they are not sitting next to me" to "Oh bu**er!"
I used to work in airport security in one of the smaller UK airports. The airport underpaid us and had us do stupid shifts, and as a result the average turnover of a security officer was about 12 weeks. The airport was paying £1 million in training every year (in 2018) JUST to retrain new staff, rather than try and retain the existing ones. Now, as we all know, new staff don't have the same experience and awareness of old staff - so the mass of inexperienced security staff were more likely to fail x-rayed luggage, which meant it was more likely to be checked, which inevitably increased the queues and so they became much longer than was really necessary. I'd known people to miss their flight because they hadn't arrived 2 hours before the flight was due and had spent almost that long in the Security Hall. But companies need to make a profit to pay their shareholders and CEOs, so I guess that makes it alright.
It's all because Ceo's know nothing about any specific industry. The Ceo was probably Ceo of Marks & Spencers before that 😅
Bristol. I bet it was Bristol Airport.
@@nickprocter7090 lols. No. But I suspect that the same issues are the cause.
Airport as a child: thrilling.
Airport as a parent with child: Hellish. Absolutely hellish.
You mistyped “Anyone else:” for the second part.
What child finds the airport thrilling?
@@HOTD108_ Me, aged 10.
Airport as a child with autism: Hell on earth
Airport as a parent of a child with autism: trauma
Agree with the previous poster, airports were hell to me. Thankfully, cd-players, and later mp3-players rolled along, and teenage me could at least hide from some of the noise and bustle behind music. I still have a tough time at the airport, but it's a lot less stressful without the parents, and knowing that I might treat myself to a meal or even a beer once I'm done with all the cues and other bullshit.
Couldn't agree more. I loathe the airport. You're essentially treated like dirt and people put up with it because you've got no alternative.
'Toblerones the size of coffins' 😂😂😂
Best way to go imo. 🤤😋
I want one, I WANT ONE! NOW!!!!!!
Sounds like a business idea for funeral directors to sell to Chocoholics!
Brilliant very funny as usual and so true
So true, chunks to big for your mouth. The normal size somehow taste better. Like they where made for humans.
My 5 biggest anxiety triggers in life are all encapsulated in an airport:
Queuing!
Slow walkers!
Shopping!
Stupid people!
Security staff with a a strange sense of self importance!
Airport security is the absolute fricking worst...
You forgot to mention the added stress of worrying if your clear sealable bag is of that particular airport's regulation size. True story: a bag I'd used a dozen times at Birmingham was deemed, by East Midlands, to be 2cm too long therefore requiring the use of one of their bags meaning i had to do the 'repack of shame' at a table in front of all the other passengers . I have now vowed to avoid EMA at all costs 😭
I had a similar experience at Stanstead airport. Even though the regulations state you can take up to 1 litre of fluids in 100ml bottles, and I only had 7 bottles so 0.7L, one jobsworth insisted that I couldn't take all of them because they wouldn't all fit in one bag, and I was only allowed one bag!
Glasgow seem to be the most relaxed on those bags. I’ve had bags ok at Glasgow be disallowed at Stansted, Reykjavik, and Bristol
Oooohhhh I've done the "repack of shame" - publicly paraded over to the long table, in the spotlight, to be ritualistically emasculated and defenestrated, at 4:49 in the fucking morning, sans caffeine, to unpack my industrially-compressed articles of clothing - especially underwear, for some apparently karmic reason - from around the neck of my guitar, and to be tiredly lectured along whatever arbitrary current line of institutional "logic" exist that specifically make me look and feel like a giant asshole. 👍
I had to unpack all my belongings at Belfast airport as they were unsure if a small set of nail clippers could be classed as a weapon or not...
@@StephenLocker
Dude - that's EXACTLY where it happened to me - !!!
Lol, my dad would take me and my sister to the airport when we were younger as a "holiday." We didn't even have tickets to go anywhere. We would just go to all the terminals, ride the public transportation, and watch everyone traveling. We loved it! hahahaaahaaa
I once flew with Flybe to Manchester, they dimantled my electric wheelchair even though I told them not to - they disconnected a lead and reconnected it wrong, I didn't realise until my chair stopped in the middle of a zebra crossing amid traffic - had to be pushed to the other side.
You need to remember that passengers are not the customers of the airport. Passengers are the customer of the airline. The customers of the airport are the shops, restaurants, airlines and perhaps the car parking companies. Airports only care about the airlines, shops and restaurants. That's why the duty free store can wrap around the walkway that leads out of security. That is way they can put less seats and more cafe seating. Passengers are an inconvenience to the airport requiring security staff, toilets and baggage processing. Airports will never look after the passengers, only the shops and airlines. There is a shortage of flight slots, so a limited number of flights, and the passenger will fly anyway (given they are 100% dependent on the airline and where the airline flies). At best the passenger might be able to select one airport out of 2 or 3 local ones, but they are all owned by the same company so good luck.
My brother was delayed getting off a plane at Frankfurt. He came out last, about five minutes after everyone else. My brother had no sense of direction, at all. He was wandering down endless corridors as you describe, opened a door at the end of it, stepped out to find himself on the tarmac. The door closed, of course, no external handle. So he starts walking across the taxiways, only to see a bloody great Antonov coming into land, the enormous airlifter! It lands, tailgate drops, lots of uniformed guys scurry out, a couple of jeeps scream out closely followed by four 6x6 lorries. Cue loads of shouting and running around in circles, from the ground crew. The engines, which haven't been cut, start running up again, then off it goes and almost straight out onto the runway off into the wild blue yonder! He said it was almost dreamlike. He found a door with a handle on it, eventually, and stepped back on the front concourse. My brother was one of those guys, crap like that used to happen to him. It was never less than, mmmm, interesting hanging around with him.
Wow ! Poor him, and I’ve got friends like that. 😵💫
Hm, sounds a bit scary. I can imagine my son having that experience, he has dyspraxia. Maybe your bro has dyspraxia.
Heroic
Too many glasses of Paulaner???
I fainted once in an airport and fell onto the luggage carousel. It was ok though…I came around slowly
Superb!
Very good 👏
you've been waiting for the right moment to let that one off yeah?
🥁😄
Oh a Dad Joke! 🤣 Love it!
Every airliner crash EVER took off from an airport. Point proved.
Duty free might be the most baffling place in existence. Maybe one day in the past it was actually worth buying things there but now its genuinely overpriced, and everything is way too cumbersome to conveniently travel with anyway.
Also didn't I just get told to drop several kilograms of weight at the check-in desk? Why on earth am I now being allowed to buy an 6 litres of Bourbon?!
I can't say no to duty free retail therapy! Even there I make bargains. ☺️
I got a set of Lancôme juicy tubes gloss at £15.00 once. That was a sound day. 😀
Bought a 5 pack of chicken curry noodles at b&m for £1
Going through security at San Francisco airport around 2008, returning to the UK, I took my wedding ring off and put it in the plastic tray since the signs said ALL metal had to go in the tray. Got dressed again after and headed off, then realised my ring was missing. Cold sweat. Ran back to the security area but my tray had gone. Spoke to a member of staff who, I'm not joking, PUT HER HAND ON HER GUN the moment I approached her and kept it there the whole time. She sent someone off to the big pile of trays that had been collected and thankfully they found it and returned it to me. The woman with her hand on the gun then proceeded to berate me for taking it off and putting it in the tray, as per the instructions on the signs!
My "favorite" airport experience is being given a ticket without a gate number on it, having to flag down a random airport employee, that employee scanning the ticket and telling me the WRONG gate number, waiting at the wrong gate for an hour because none of the signs showing departures are working and then missing my flight. To addinsult to injury, my luggage wasn't taken off the plane as they're supposed to, so I had to pack a new bag and buy new clothes.
Once I finally get to Oslo, turns out my suitcase isn't there either, it's fucking dissapeared in thin air because it got tossed back into a random plane rather than being taken off and it flew around Europe for 10 months until someone in Dusseldorf grew a brain and decided to call the phone number on the piece of rogue luggage that's seemingly been transported to every major airport in Europe without its owner.
I'm never flying again, I'd rather take a multiple-day train trip.
People in the UK don't have much of an option though. It's either dealing with airports, or swimming, if they want to get anywhere. So yeah, in winter, they tend to fly...
Never flying again because of one bad experience? Seems wise
@@EvenTheDogAgrees You are saying as if there aren't many ferry routes and a whole-ass tunnel to get you to the mainland. Flying is quicker in most cases, but that doesn't mean it's the *only* option
@@mynamejeff3545 those options were purposefully ignored in order to make a silly joke. I mean, you didn't actually think I believe the British swim across the pond in summer, but resort to flying when the water gets too cold in winter, did you? 🤣
I'd be making a complaint to the airport and the airline about that one.
Counterpoint: Without airports, we wouldn't have Brian Eno's 1978 masterpiece "Ambient 1: Music for Airports", without which we wouldn't have ambient music as a genre.
Ambient music existed before music for airports, although it was with that release that the term was coined and its philosopheme popularised
I no longer travel by plane, but I definitely listen to Music For Airports
I once got to hear Music for Airports in an actual airport. It works really well
I see what you did there. 😉
Ambient music is as crappy as airports!
The shoes! The taking off of the shoes like we are already convicted terrorists, trudging towards our judgement.
And security body checks. I am ALWAYS taken out of line for a pat down. It makes me feel so nervous when I fly that I act nervously guilty, making me an obvious body language target as someone who should be patted down. It’s a self fulfilling nightmare for me to travel by air.
an elderly couple had to remove their open sandals but my husband and I walked through wearing trainers 😂
All hail Richard Reid,(not the most Islamic name to be fair) for everyone having to do this.
It's the advent of these security checks that do my head in - belts off, shoes off or not, the new body scanners, rushing to get things in trays, etc. I do remember when flying was a relatively pleasurable experience but that's way back in the eighties. You had to flash your boarding pass and that was you! I absolutely hate security.
And you could smoke at the back of the plane!!! 🥳
@@paulinemorgan2939 You still can, but you have to roll the window down. 😂
😂😂😂@@EvenTheDogAgrees
I feel like airports are hell’s waiting rooms. I hate them and air travel itself with a passion. And I’m a commercial pilot.
😂
I spent 17 hours in queues in Stansted on Christmas Eve for a replacement flight once because their ticket reading gates just… didn’t work. The next shift of staff on Christmas Day had no idea that this happened and claimed all 200 of us “missed the flight”. I eventually got a 6:00 flight to an adjacent country, with 10 mins notice before the boarding was to finish. 10 minutes. I ran screaming and shoving all other holiday makers, pushed through the security queues and actually made it. Fuck Stansted. Fuck airports.
£2 water bottles. I read sometime ago that liquid bombs had stopped being a threat about a decade ago. They've kept the rules though. They herd us like sheep.
Take an empty refillable water bottle and fill it up after security - boom
It's even more infuriating when it's a unopened can of pop. Do they think terrorists took over a Coca-Cola plant without anyone noticing?
They haven't. Physics and chemistry didn't change a decade ago.
@@corcoos liquid explosives have existed for over a 100 years, yet according to the authorities they've only become a threat in 2006.
The main stress in airports were added around mid September in 2001. They make me feel like a criminal when they're supposed to make you want to repeat your visit.
You will repeat your visit because you want to leave this miserable island for some nicer weather. There is no negotiation.
Are you planning to overthrow the government to the United States?
Well, no I don't think so. I just want to go to Disney Land.
@@Cheximus Well I've only managed to escape 3 times in 28 years.
I remember Denver Jepensen Hall with a very manual security process, Shoes off, Backpack emptied, Legs screened, were walked three twice through body xray, Everything one by one, boarding pass for an hour. In 2003.
2007 this was reduced to oneway screening, nothing more. 2008, the body screener was added. But Frankfurt screened us twice in 2007 and 2008. Then I stopped flying to the US. In 2022, I was rushed through security at Chicago with “durch durch durch, faster fastrr faster, go go go.”. The only mayhem was when 300 pax and me flew Singapore from New york to Frankfurt. Then the TSA resigned and shouted “Yoooo, leave your damn notebooks in the suitecase.” because 300 people were there.
Then I got Global Entry.
Anytime I can I choose Train. Whenever I need to fly I feel like an animal in a slaughterhouse. Go to gate, walk between railings, undress for check.... I know it's safety but at the same dehumanising. Not to mention the plane which is designed to squeeze as many people as possible. Not that trains are any better these days but still at least you are free to leave on the nearest station.
How is that I was born in 90's yet still feel nostalgic about the way people traveled in the 50's and 60's.
You haven't experienced airport misery until you've experienced Manchester International Airport. At least that's what it says on the posters
When I was a teenager my parents booked a holiday that flew from Manchester. This was back at the end of the 90s. It took off at about 5am, and my Dad didn't want to drive there from Nottingham, so we took a bus but the only one we could get got us there the night before the flight. So he got us a hotel, right? Nope. We "slept" overnight in the airport (i.e. nobody got any sleep at all). While we were there, stressed and bored out of our minds, I went for a wander to stretch my legs, ended up on a balcony near an entrance. A group of young adults, I'd say early 20s, appeared to be on a night out. They walked in, two women split off from the group, went under one of the escalators and whipped their knickers down so that they could piss on the floor.
I've not been back.
Pure genius!
I once walked for seemingly an hour to get to either the North or South terminal at Gatport Airwick to arrive is a static carousel of despair. After a long wait to board we sat for 40 minutes because there was a bag on the plane but not the passenger, however the traveller was present just unable to recognise his own name during the repeated announcement and to add insult to injury the delay continued when the baggage handlers had to then return the suitcase to the hold.
They do read people’s names like the alphabet is from a parallel universe.
@@Liusila I'm never able to understand the public messages in airports - the loudspeakers are seemingly crap and the pitch of the announcers' voices always go up and down while speaking at 100mph 😞
Brilliant. Airports are a special hell places for ppl with anxiety.
Michael's vlog reminded me of a very old American sci-fi thriller, of the Twilight Zone type where an aeroplane with passengers flies through a thunderstorm but somehow enters a tear in the space time continuum. They manage to land at the airport which is completely empty and devoid of people. All clocks have stopped. They wander round a deserted airport.
Of course, at the end, suddenly people reappear, and the clocks start moving. The people were always there but the aeroplane passengers and crew were in another dimension and reality. Normal reality wasn't visible to them.
Just like the main terminal at Gatwick Airport in other words. I know. I've been there.
Twilight Zone was a great show! So many outlandish yet very realistic stories!
That's the miniseries The Langoliers, based on the Stephen King story, in case you ever want to see it again. It's not very good; most King adaptations (especially at the time) aren't.
When you say Twilight Zone and airplanes, the one that immediately comes to mind is Nightmare at 20.000 Feet, starring a young William Shatner. I remember that one being quite scary back when I first saw it as a kid, although by today's standards, the monster costume can only be described as laughable. Still, a pretty decent episode, if you can look past the dated visuals.
@EvenTheDogAgrees
When I say Twilight Zone type, I mean the weird stories that featured on the TZ that were typically on the border of Sci fi, supernatural, ghost story, second sight etc. I'm not saying it was in the series The Twilight Zone. I can't remember tbh. It may or may not have been.
I think it was feature length thus unlikely to be TZ unless they made TV movies. 📺 Like I said I don't know and can't remember the title.
@AndriyValdensius-wi8gw The Langoliers. Very bad cg monsters come and eat reality after the flow of time has moved past it.. the passengers and crew all have to race to escape back through the wormhole or whatever.
@evilcritter
Sounds about right. Like Ryanair. Going through the wormhole costs extra.
I love travelling by plane, but it feels as if airports and air travel nowadays are designed to make you feel like you shouldn’t enjoy it.
All true, Michael. Thanks for letting me know that it's not just me who feels like that.
I haven't flown since 1994. I really, really don't miss it.
They also refuse to tell you the flight is cancelled for hours, even though they know its not happeneing, seemingly just so they can keep you trapped in thier hellscape for longer. I had the pleasure of a flight being canceled in Bilbao, where they only passed on the info the flight wasnt happening when they closed the airport and all the staff left. Not even a coffee shop left open. I was equally infuriated and bamboozled at the same time. Do you know how to drive up the price of tickets for a flight? Have a plane load of passengers all hit the internet at the same time, all trying to book tickets for the earliest possible flights, from the same place to the same destination. £60 ticket, that'll be £500 please, high demand don't you know? Oh, you think you'll just go to a hotel? The hotels use the same algorithm as ticket booking, so a 1 night stay in a cheap hotel now cost the same as a monthly mortgage payment. And theres no buses/taxis because the airports closed.
Maccy D's it is then
Surviving airports is the new extreme sport. Had the misfortune to spend 9 hours at CdG Paris last August. The newly revamped airside section was a shrine to bankruptcy inducing consumerism - wall to wall french designer goods but not a single coffee shop! After 7:00pm, the only available food & beverages (aside from the 4 star restaurent) were from the newsagents & they didnt serve tea or have any milk. Don't even get me started on the vending machines, seats, various bins & the 2k trek to the loos. Would make me avoid Paris in future. 😤
20 years ago I was in CdG. Never been back. French can't design shit
My weirdest event was during the later stages of Covid. An Airbus A350, there were 3 passengers on the flight which carried maximum 315 people. I was first told to sit anywhere. I accidentally sat in premium economy and was told to move by a Japanese stewardess to an economy seat right next to it - the whole section of the aircraft was empty. Some people are like robots.
I was transferring through Heathrow on my way home with my partner. Her bag got stopped at security so they asked what was in it, which after 12 hours on a plane we had no idea any longer and they wouldn't show us the x-ray images because that would clearly be cheating. The guy started telling us how bad it looked for her and acting like he was terrified. All of which was obviously distressing for us who couldn't remember what was in the bag but where pretty sure it wasn't a block of C4.
Turned out to be a pack of chocolate digestives!
So well said. I use Uk airports almost every week late evenings ans early mornings. My recipe is : avoid buying food there (stock at home or M&S before), noise cancelling earbuds and sunglasses to avoid all sensorial violence of duty free, only one rucksack, no liquids (invest in solid soap, deodorants, toothpaste tabs), run through security 30m before gate closes and ignore ryanair final calls messages on screen, be the last one to board and pick the empty seats at the back (again to reduce sensorial violence)
I spent almost 15 years flying internationally around Europe (part of my job at the time) almost weekly, or at the very least twice a month... hundreds and hundreds of flights, or is it thousands, i don't even know ... but a LIFETIMES WORTH! I can happily say I haven't flown ANYWHERE in 10 years and I don't bloody plan to :) I hate airports passionately and would rather drive for 2x days than fly for 3 or 4 hours. F* that!
Did Paris and Brussels alternate weeks for 2 years then Brussels once a month for 1 year. I think 3 flights were on time over that period. I also had my on the ground collision - lost part of our tail plane to the wing of a 747. Only a couple of hours late for my meeting that time. I don't intend to fly again ostensibly for climate reasons but actually why waste a lot of time in unpleasant surroundings to get into a metal tube to breathe a lot of other people's germs in impossibly cramped conditions?
Missed a flight once because the my girlfriends sister did not have the correct size plastic bag, so I offered to go out of the queue and purchase one from one of those machines. When I tried to get back in the electronic gate would not let me back in, that was because it said I was now late, so could no longer pass. Stanstead my most hated airport...
2:30 i love these queues, You start off the first pass with a nod then a raised eye brow getting vocal with alright, ayup, yo(finger guns) you then have to wind it back down to a nod.
I loathe airports and being herded like cattle through an abbatoir. This is why I take ferries to the continent. A far more human experience. All that scrambling for your seat and trying to find room for your bag in the overhead locker gives me the screaming heeby-jeebies.
Since time doesn't exist in airports (as you so keenly observed), they have to use carpets (which "capture moments in time," as you again keenly observed) as time anchors, otherwise they would phase out of our dimension entirely. Which actually would be a great outcome for humanity, come to think of it.
By the way, I'm immensely enjoying this new format for your videos, Michael. First and foremost because they're longer (and your short skits, while stellar, always left me wanting for more), but also because you masterfully blend the video essay format together with just the right amount of comedy and humour. The result is that you simultaneously convey the message of 'let's don't take ourselves too seriously' while making us, the audience, reflect more on certain aspects of modern society. As an early fan of your work, I can't but wish you an even greater success. Cheers! //Rick
Absolutely brilliant. I hate airports too. The people who work in them have forgotten that they work in a service industry and generally treat you with total contempt. The security staff may be a necessary evil but they are the spawn of the devil. Enough said as I’m getting annoyed now!!
I agree with absolutely everything you’re saying, & all of it is why I LOVE airports. That feeling of time not existing, & that we’re all just walking through strange corridors, past strange doors & signs announcing flights to cities that you forgot existed or never even knew existed, & past all the shops where everything seems a little too sparkly (booze bottles, diamond-encrusted watches, etc)…. I LOVE how surreal it all feels. It’s like being in the Wood Between the Worlds from the Narnia books. Which means there IS a risk of forgetting you are & becoming a zombie but it still feels SO nice. It’s a space that just encourages doing nothing for a little while, so it usually just relaxes me.
Security is a miserable fucking joke though.
😆
The old airport in Doha used to have an announcement once every 15 minutes to inform everyone that it was a silent airport... off the scale!😂
I work in one. They are indeed awful places!
Oh god. Doesn't that put u off ever flying again? Not just the too much knowledge, but everyone either excitedly going on holiday, or returning completely depressed. Okay... maybe u should just go to work & and not overthink it 😅
"And, of course, once you lay a carpet it instantly goes out of fashion..." 😂🎯❤
Had to spend 24 hours waiting for a flight in JFK. A very odd experience. Customs officers were incredibly rude and belligerent, he took me away because I eczema on my face and tried to create a situation about it as if I had some kind of contagious zombie disease. After I was cleared through we missed our connection flight so we got rebooked only for the gate on the ticket didn’t match the gate in reality so we missed that too, rebooked for tomorrow. None of food in the airport seemed real or tasted of anything, the staff had no sense of professionalism, and the whole place was air conditioned so cold and dry which is quite uncomfortable when having to survive in it all night with skin like mine.
Call me crazy, but I love airports. Love the energy and excitement of them, love the anonymity of being in one, love the “non-place” vibe they give off, love the feeling of “mission accomplished” once you’re through security etc and you can just chill out before your flight. It’s always a treat to be in an airport!
What I don't like about them though is the whole nonsense getting there in the first place. You have to arrive 2h before your flight departs. Why? No clue; dealing with all the formalities and queues "only" takes about 1 hour. The rest of the time you're just killing time in the boarding area. And often they're located in large cities that are a b*tch to get to; you're already stressed out from worrying if you'll even make it on time because you're stuck in a damn traffic jam.
However, there's this one airport over here, which is somewhat nice. It's a smaller one, and you still get to walk out onto the tarmac and climb aboard via those old-fashioned stairs, or at least, that was my experience about a decade ago. For a minute, you'd feel like you were part of the 60's jet-set.
I'm with you on that one. I love the atmosphere in airports.
Same. Like a perpetual liminal space. lol
You ARE crazy! 🙂Just kiddin'
THANK YOU for saying my thoughts. Even paying for lounges, business class, didn't improve the experience. I am not flying in 2024, airports are the absolute ghetto. 🗑 🚮
Yes, lounges. Paying for something you think you'd expect was default treatment!
Hilarious and oh so right !
@paulinegibson7010 by the time you get to your destination, you are so harassed, you need 2 days to recover. What's the point??
The changing the gate last minute , is the biggest pet peeve. Oh - and people so eager to get off the plane. It should go by row.
I absolutely agree, airports are awful and very stressful, the airports just push anxiety levels up, horrible places.
years ago (no one cares) I went to Coventry airport and it was just a porta cabin with no bullshit, it was bliss. I feel your pain Michael - I'm still at Manchester Airport... been here 11 years, just waiting inside a wrapped Toberlone.
looking forward to the block btw.. :)
I don't get why duty free is more expensive than normal shops
It's duty-free, not profit-free.
Liking the video before I even watched it because I just know I will. Thank you in advance.
Same!
Michael really should do a video on people who comment and like a video before they even watch it. WTF!
@@Ash_18037 - I’m one of them. 😀☺️☺️
When I was flying from Mozambique back to Gatwick we had an interchange within the airport with 5h to spare. We (my family) were lamenting the fact that we were going to be bored and looking at eateries to kill some time. we decided to check in the luggage first as to not need to drag them around. We realised after waiting 1hr in the queue that it spitted you out into security so we just accepted that we'd eat on the other side- However, the simple fact was that despite around 50 check-in bays were open there were only 8 security checkpoints so that the wait took 2 and a half hours with the queue continually getting bigger. /we got out with 1hr and some changeso begin walking to our gate. It took an hour has my mother had an injured knee. so we waited as the flight was delayed and begun boarding. This meant we had no time to eat or sit because it took 5 HOURS TO GO LESS THAN A MILE!!!
"Written by Franz Kafka and JG Ballard..." These videos are brilliant.
I have always felt sorry for those poor souls who have fallen so far that they need to work in an airport. Imagine having to go there EVERY DAY, and you don't even get a holiday to recover from it. Also, I wonder if someone were to change the clocks so they all said different times how long it would be before people truly lost their minds?
Plus, when we (airport workers) do go on holiday, we have to return to work first! 🤦🏻♂️
Backpacks the size of a baby grand piano.
If you're not sure if you have social anxiety or anger issues check with your nearest airport.
I have only ever flown in a plane from Gatwick > Abu Dhabi > Dubai and back again in 2003, I really don't want to fly again, yes even back then the airport system was crap, the flight itself yeah ok ........BUT on way back a nasty bloke laid across some seats in a middle row with his feet coming across my chest with smelly socks on, ended up a big argument between him and the staff mid flight, I ended up in first class he was handcuffed to a seat for the rest of the journey, he got arrested on arrival at Gatwick I rode my unicycle for / through customs.
What an experience that was.
Love all your stuff!
As an architect who used to work in aviation I have likely worked on some of the hellish spaces you've suffered in, so I thought I'dd add a few comments.
1 - An airport's primary concern will be secutiry operations: surveillance, monitoring, keeping 'clean' passengers separate to 'dirty' ones and so on. This concern dominates all design decisions. Secondly, an airport's cash cow is renting retail space so maximising retail space is an obvious business driver for them. This means that the human experience is an after thought. The best you can hope for is a sympathetic architect who can convince the airport to value the human experience a bit more. Good luck.
2 - Most delays are the result of airports working as close to full capacity as possible, so there is no wiggle room for error. What would people actually prefer: fewer (and therefore more expensive) flights that were managed better, or, maximum (ie cheaper) flights with an inherent degree of chaos?
3 - Airports in the UK are deeply unpleasant, but this is not true globally. Madrid Terminal 5 is a particular favourite of mine, and a lot of new build airports in Asia are very nice.
Yes, I was going to say - I wonder if Michael has flown in Asia much. Best and most enjoyable travel experiences of my life. American airports are fine too as long as you know the system and pay for Pre Check. Money, as in most things, greases the way.
Thank you for explaining every airport experience in eleven minutes.
You did forget about getting to your destination and hoping that your bags have made it
Back in the 1970s you generally had an airport for scheduled flights that was quiet and sophisticated and used by rich people and business travellers. Next door, or round the back, there would be a large tin shed where you went if you were taking a "charter" flight, which was the only sort of flight normal people could afford. This shed didn't even offer the retail insanity found in modern airports, and the catering facilities would be limited to a vending machine that sold out in 1958.
'Airports are shit shit shit.' - Douglas Adams, from The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul.
The airport is the last memory of the holiday and it’s the bit I dislike the most.
Airports are also often inaccessible as hell to disabled people, despite some progress being made (begrudgingly). Not a massive fan of airports and planes, being autistic, though thankfully I try and overshadow it with my excitement of the destination (find it impossible to sleep on a plane, and hate the noise).
As a former road warrior who also formerly waited impatiently for the bar to open at 7:00 AM for those 8 beers, I can say without hesitation that having both out of my life has changed everything for the better.
I was on the train to Heathrow when all of the UK airspace shut down in Aug 2023 due to an issue with air traffic control. They actually did really well, but then again I wasn’t expecting every random staff member to already have an answer to an unanswerable question (when will the airspace open again? Why was I not informed in advance about this?). Got through in about 30 secs for the phone number for BA who booked me on a flight the next day and confirmed I could book my own hotel and claim that back.
But I actually love airports.
February 2023, at the tender age of 63 I missed my first ever flight. 12 Hours then hanging around in a foreign airport overnight, NEVER again! Returning finally to Gatwick I was a Zombie at rush hour!
Thousands of people bottle necking into flying tin cans. What other outcome could be expected?
Although if you visit airports in Singapore, paris, madrid, dubai, lisbon, istanbul, moscow, warsaw, hong kong etc the experiences there are far more comfortable than most UK airports.
All of this was accurate. My personal vision of hell is being stuck in that compulsory corridor of consumption everyone is forced through after the security gate. I am surrounded by food I am allergic to and aftershaves that all smell the same and make my nostrils burn.
Agreed with every word. Is there a customer experience in any industry as terrible as the one provided by air travel companies? They actively treat paying customers with contempt.
found you through 'I Don't Listen to Podcasts' - i appreciate your takes!
"Coffin Toblerone's"....my favorite. hahaha
What really annoys me is how they throw away any liquid you have that's larger than a thimble for 'security reasons'. When has anyone ever made a bomb out of a tiny bottle of hand lotion?
Exactly. No rule ever gets removed, no matter how irrelevant.
Who says it's hand lotion in the tiny bottle?
This channel is vastly underrated.
And this is absolutely spot on. You perfectly catch every single one of my feelings at an airport.
I can't even begin to describe the feeling of joy and relief when I finally step into that claustrophobic tube taking me places at 800km per hour that is the plane's passenger cabin.
Oh, and one thing that you forgot is the £1.50 dried out ham and cheese sandwich (garnished with a single lettuce leaf that's turning brown around the edges) you get to buy at the bargain airport price of only £8.70. Getting thirsty because of how dry this thing is? Well, since you had to abandon your 45p 1l waterbottle at security, you can get a .5l bottle for only £3.50 to go with your dried out sandwich with the vintage lettuce.
Just reminds me of feeling miserable and tired
You have an ability to make me laugh uncontrollably. With full gusto. Thank you! 😂
Me too! Part about the carpets 😂
Have you been to geneva airport? you walk about 2 miles to the gate and then a bus takes you back to where you started to get on your plane
The sound effect after throwing the snowglobe.
Marvellous. Thank you :-)
Well I used to handle refuse at a London airport, and the layouts are awful but it really makes you wonder about how much we throw away that’s still good. Actually taking home useable waste was the highlight of my day.
One extra trauma ... at least involving any flights to/from Scotland ... is the riot of people suddently deciding to jostle into something approximating a queue at the gate somewhere between 5 and 10 minutes before boarding is ready to begin so that they are first to fill up the overhead sections with their carry-on luggage and duty free.
There's a wonderful classic video from The Onion about Franz Kafka Airport that captures this feeling spectacularly.
I will counter that (largely accurate) criticism with: Singapore Airport. It's probably the best airport in the world and is more like a theme park than a scary metal bird embarkation building. There's a colossal circular waterfall where you can sit among plants and tress and just chill out. If it wasn't for the fact that it most likely cost as much as the GDP of Scotland, every airport should have one.
Kuala Lumpur is pretty good too, especially the little rainforest at the centre to walk around.
*THIS IS WHY I GO BY TRAIN* or even ship rather than fly - i deeply H4T3 the entire experience - it is misery from the moment i leave my house to the moment I arrive at my destination
OR I can get on a train and zip across Europe, a ferry and have a nice meal and a sleep.
it's important, in life, to stay focused on _solutions._
that's what you're doing now and i see you doing it
@@WeeWeeJumboI used to have to go from the north of the UK to the south of France every month - it was SO much nicer to get the ferry from Hull and the train - or even ferry and drive than to fly...
Trains are nice when they’re clean. I just don’t like sitting backwards in them because I’ll get a massive headache.
@@qasimmir7117 I used to dislike doing backwards - but now I dont mind. I think its because I no longer drive.
We had the worst train experiences from hell last year from Austria to Holland. It's going to take a lot to get me back on one again for a long trip. Ruined it for me.
This is honestly the truest thing that has ever been said. And no one has ever said it.
My terror as a lone traveller with IBS that I'm going to get sick in the queue.
I don't have IBS but I even get toilet anxiety on planes and when queuing....I feel for you
Hello from Australia, love this, thank, actually love all your work
Having flown for the 1st time in 7/8 yrs, I agree with this 100%
To quote Douglas adams "no one ever came up with a phrase for as beautiful as an airport "
I travel from Glasgow to Belfast a lot. I now drive 2 hours down the Ayrshire coast, pay about 5 times the price for the Stena Line ferry which takes over 2 hours to cross as opposed to 35 minutes on the plane. I do this just to avoid the airport.
And then there was the time when my backpack had to go through the security scanner four times before they unpacked it, leaving me to stand there, humiliated and scorned. They had set the scanner so sensitive that my Kindle triggered it. This after being told there was no need to remove my Kindle. Looking at you, DUB!