The Surprising Function of "Negative" Emotions: How to Process Your Emotions 3/30
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- Опубликовано: 8 сен 2024
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Coping skills for emotions like anger, depression, anxiety focus on making bad feeling go away and feeling better in the moment. But in the long run, coping skills actually make us feel worse because when we suppress our emotions, when we try to make our emotions go away or just cope with emotions, we aren't honoring the function of emotions. If all we do is try to cope with emotions, we can't change and we can't solve our problems.
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I’m Emma McAdam. I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I have worked in various settings of change and growth since 2004. My experience includes juvenile corrections, adventure therapy programs, wilderness therapy programs, an eating disorder treatment center, a residential treatment center, and I currently work in an outpatient therapy clinic.
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Help me
seriously. you could simply use your transcripts for this entire course as a book to sell. it's bloody brilliant!
but i don't have credit card and paypal
This is wrong. Coping is anything that helps you to improve your life. Dealing with your feelings is a coping skill.
Yes please!
A metaphor for coping or resisting emotions that really helps me is that you’re trying to hold a beach ball underwater. It takes up a lot of energy and when you can’t hold on any longer it bursts up violently. If you would just let it float it would be in your face for a while but it would eventually drift away.
You have a beautiful way to see emotions.
Love that
could also be a metaphor of letting go of the worry of where the ball will float off to and allowing whatever you feel to come through when it wants/needs to
People have to be ready to let go of their beach ball at this point. Many people are attached to them, since they invested something to acquire them. Or the ball belongs to someone else, and they feel like they should keep a hold of it out of a sense of duty to another person, or out of fear that the owner of the ball will shout at them for losing it.
The beachball analogy reminds me of a similar one from a school district parent course on ADJD kids: each slight, frustration, worry, act of willpower to focus, etc, was a ping pong ball that the child (or parent volunteer demonstrator) had to grab & hold underwater (ie Can’t act up during school). By the end of the day, hold 10+ ping-pong balls underwater is pretty darn tough, especially when your medicine wears off and/or a sibling or parent agitates you one more time, etc.
“In that moment, I finally understood for the first time why -- throughout this journey -- I kept thinking about that day when I got terribly sick in rural Vietnam. When I yelled for drugs to stop my worst symptoms -- the extreme room-spinning nausea -- the doctor told me: "You need your nausea. It is a message, and we must listen to the message. It will tell us what is wrong with you." If i had ignored or silenced that symptom, my kidneys would have failed, and I would have died.
You need your nausea. You need your pain. It is a message, and you must listen to the message. All these depressed and anxious people, all over the world -- they are giving us a message. They are telling us something has gone wrong with the way we live. We need to stop trying to muffle or silence or pathologize that pain. Instead, we need to listen to it, and honor it. It is only when we listen to our pain that we can follow it back to its source -- and only there, where we can see its true causes, can we begin to overcome it.”
-Johann Hari, Lost Connections
Thank you so much for this comment.
This is tremendous. I really needed this particular quote today.
Beautiful
❤️❤️🙏🙏🙏🌿
How to over come anxiety if people keep silencing refuse to hear the truth it keeps growing in side but specking truth gets people angry. At the same time you see everyone that silences you gets support and support people for the smallest things.
I've never seen coping skills as the way to fix my anxiety or depression, I've always seen them as a way to get me to a better place in order to be able to address my issues either within myself or with a therapist or someone else. I think that's the problem, coping skills have been "marketed" if you will as a cure-all or total fix for mental health issues when in fact they're not. Cope by definition isn't to fix, it's to deal with which implies action on our part. Another definition is to strive. Coping Skills aren't the fix, they're the catalyst to help us address the deeper issues.
Yes! That’s how they should be used! Totally ok! But when people search how to deal with depression or anxiety they aren’t given skills- they are only told to cope most people just don’t know what to do instead
I like this series because it’s talking about what “healthy” emotional processing should look like.
With severe mental issues-or just the “pile of backed up fish trucks”, it’s a process to work from here... to a middle place... to closer to healthy. But what is “healthy”-and how can anyone with a lifetime history of issues even picture that or expect that... without going through maybe temporary improvement stages?
And, for everyone else, medicines or “coping” strategies aren’t necessarily called for. Even official “diagnoses” aren’t likely appropriate. We need better “mentally healthy” practices, just like we need the good habits of exercise, eating right, and getting good sleep.
I like the concept of this series-along with ideas like “Emotional First Aid” and “social-emotional” counseling in schools, in that we need experts thinking and teaching about good mental to even the non-diagnosable, “healthy” public. (Especially in the last 50-200+ years’ ever rapidly changing cultural, technological, etc., climate.)
Yes alternating coping skills with dissociation could keep you in hell 4 ever. (That's where I'm at.)
@@kahlodiego5299 awareness of this is huge! I also do this in my life currently…
@@whatisahandle221 yes. This reminds me, of 22 years ago, I was diagnosed with major depression, and a university school of medicine psychiatry student told me, “Since you have major depression, you will always need depression medication. You will always be depressed.” I got so angry at him with his haughty, dismissive attitude. No one ever asked me about the conditions of my life (that might, just might) be contributing to my depression. My life was hell at the time: I was short on sleep from living with and sleeping in the same bed with a man who was manipulative, abusive, snored like a table saw and had restless leg syndrome; I was in a really stressful job, with terrible health insurance, and I had gained 40 lbs. in 5 years, to be the heaviest weight of my life. Several months after that, I left the manipulative man, got fired from the stressful job, and lost 20 lbs. within 6 months. I also got adopted by a wonderful cat, who continued to help me recover from one of the worst periods of my life. ETA: after moving back to my home town 3 years later, right after 9/11, I got off of the Zoloft with the help of my general physician, and haven’t needed it since.
Another downside of “coping skills” I’ve seen in my practice is when people become over-reliant on them without developing skills to face their stressors in healthy, productive ways; they become like a crutch or a cast. I see this very often with habitual runners, running becomes their only way of coping with stress in their jobs or relationships, and then when they can’t do it (due to weather, injuries, or any number of other reasons) there are no other strategies to fall back on leading to a complete breakdown.
What other skills?
Yes! The common narrative of "[hobby/pastime] is my therapy!" has always bothered me, for exactly this reason.
@@kolacao8134 presumably things such as talking to the person who's causing you stress (if that's the case). Skills to solve the problem, not just cope with it existing. I haven't finished the video yet so idk if she covers that
Running sounds like a good idea release energy also alone time to think.
@@bunnyboo6295 @Bunny Boo Running is a totally valid and healthy hobby to be interested in and enjoy. And engaging in running as a regular hobby and form of self-care is pretty likely to have a net positive effect on one's physical and mental health. And that's awesome! But it isn't a replacement for effective problem solving, conflict resolution, emotional stress management/impulse control, proficiency in setting healthy boundaries with colleagues, friends, and family, and/or ability to communicate with those around you in a productive and meaningful way.
I mastered coping skills to a point of detriment. Here I am almost 40 learning how to cry for the first time in my life. I don't even know how to teach my children how to deal with their problems in a healthy way. We are learning together.
Good for you for seeking out this information and these skills and then sharing them with your kids so they - and your whole family - can benefit from them too. That is huge. And it's all any of us can do.
If our families and even workplaces all learned these skills and practices and used these, always striving to get better individually and together, things would be much better for everyone in general.
None of us know everything exactly when we need or want to but if we genuinely try and have a growth mindset and keep working on ourselves and apologize when we misstep and actively listen and actively try to do better - and then actually get and do better, that's all any of us can do.
If I'd had a parent who was open to these things or found these things important, had EVER apologized and made me feel like my feelings mattered (and weren't something to ignore and suppress ) - if they'd made me feel like I mattered, I might not find myself here after so many years on this planet just flailing along and with absolutely no clue what to do with all my negative emotions. Omg. I've got so many fish trucks! 😂😜 But at least I know what to do with them now.
My parents loved me and did the best they could - their intentions were definitely of love - which DOES matter - but they didn't have any healthy communication skills (because they weren't taught nor aware of them) - their parenting style was the old school, older generation, authoritarian / power and control style where they weren't capable of doing anything wrong - if there was a problem, that meant I was the problem. Period. Which is unintentionally / unconsciously pretty clever if you think about it - that attitude delegates all the problem solving to the one with the problem, regardless of whether you're part of it or causing it or not.
- I called that (in my mind not to their face) the concept of "parental infallibility". And that's just a useless one sided brick wall of a dysfunctional relationship dynamic to have.
But then we don't want to go the opposite end either and not take any responsibility for anything we do by saying "well, I'm not perfect!" - and using that as an excuse not to solve things or do things differently either.
But if we come from a humble recognition that of course we're not perfect but we actively strive to get better and eventually get good and skilled at living our values and meeting our responsibilities with others and honoring the others in our lives, and building good relationships, acknowledging our missteps and repairing them / improving, practicing a growth mindset, etc. etc, that's all we can ask of anyone.
So if that's the kind of parent you are, that is really really good! - you're ahead of the game and on the right track.
Because my parents (who are still alive) can only relate to me as someone they criticize and order around, ie tell what to do, as if I'm still three years old and can't think or reason for myself and I'm just someone they try to assert conrol over, there is literally very little communication with us anymore. It's just a one sided, arrogant, condescending "conversation" where I just shutup and listen and agree to everything they say and take their "criticism as a means of control type behavior" or there's an argument and it gets ugly and I'm labeled things like "sick" if I stand up for myself or request they treat me more considerately they tell me I don't know what I'm talking about, etc..
I literally asked my dad to stop (continuously for years) criticizing a furrow my forehead makes when I concentrate (that he has too - it's definitely genetic) and always telling me to "smile" and how I said I didn't like that and it also felt sexist and hurtful and unfair and felt as if he valued how attractive i looked over me and I wasn't going to get plastic surgery or Botox to fix it, etc. etc. and he called me "sick" for even suggesting HE was doing something wrong. And everything is pretty much like that. I have to stand up for myself constantly with them but when I do it's unacceptable. Needless to say, I only talk to them anymore when it's necessary, which isn't often. Cuz fool me once, its not my fault. Fool me thousands of times throughout my life and it's my fault that I keep letting it happen and I think I'm more than justified in having a few boundaries and enforcing them.
Sorry - I wrote a book here, but I guess my point is, you're learning valuable skills from sources like Emma and sharing them so the people you love can benefit too which sounds like the opposite of what I grew up with and still have in my parents and sounds like a very positive step in the right direction that I wish all families could take and be like.
Praise God!
You are not alone Pam, I'm also five minutes to 40 years with a very free, open, loving 5 year old, I'll be honest, whose emotional needs I struggle to meet /match st times....I'm open to growing which is why I'm here, and I'm very optimistic about it.
That's beautiful!
When I first cried in the church, I was reprimanded by the preacher saying I was addicted to prayers. I went thru a lot in that church for years on ends and that was the first time I ever showed any emotion, vulnerability.I did not drop even a tear when I had been accused of all kinds of things. He must have been praying for me for some time and saw no result but when God touched me and tears flow for the first time in public after so many years of no response and suppressions I was accused of addicting to prayers. I went to the loo and cried there, a suppressed cry. Then went out and stayed in another room but did not tell anyone about it. After that the emotions got trapped inside for another 30 over years. I could not even cried like that anymore. So preachers listen to what God had to say to you, stop judging people using your own feelings or understanding. Years later I heard that the pastor was involved in an accident. Not my prayers. I never prayed about that, just try to forget as if it never happened. One of the many experiences as a believer.
Your channel has been Godsend, I have been referring patients to your channel because it’s been both hard to find a therapist accepting patients but also therapist that take insurance. Most people can’t afford therapy both in terms of time and money but your channel is like a ladder that helps them climb out of their darkness. Thank you and God bless.
Thank you! That is my goal- There are so many obstacles to getting therapy- stigma, cost, availability, my hope is to help as many people as possible, I'm glad you find it helpful
@@TherapyinaNutshell I have been using what you teach to help patients process through their emotions and you have no idea how helpful they are cause the feedback is always ... wow I wish my therapist explained it like that. You have a gift in case you don’t already know.
That's how I use this channel as well :) I've gotten some great tips here. Most important being calming the body so I can face my emotions, embrace them, breathe with them. I used to build anxiety so bad that it felt like burning in my body, others could feel my body temperature became higher, and I couldn't sleep at all. That was horrible. Once I started to just welcome the anxiety and every time instead of "oh my god I have suppress and avoid it.", I started to be like "alright buddy, come on now, let's hear it all, let it all come up and listen to it." It sucked at first but eventually it took off the fear and power of anxiety over me. And it helped me to get to the root problem which was quite complicated. I thought I wanted out of a very good and healthy relationship and it was driving me mad, why would my gut say to "run away!" while I wanted to be in the relationship. I just tried to silent that voice again and again. The core reason was a childhood trauma caused by my parents divorcing when I was 3. That caused me to have huge problems with attachment and emotions and relationships. So now I'm working on that with a therapist. I do take some SSRI medication for now though to keep working with it somewhat lighter.
I literally just had a long conversation with someone that told me I was too emotional to think clearly. I told him that my "thinking mind" was the problem bc it helped me rationalize away the red flags but my emotions and passion were good bc they helped me see where there was an issue that needed my attention. Emotions aren't to be ignored or stifled but listened to.
On pointtt
I learned there were no "good" and "bad" emotions from Red Dwarf. In one episode, Lister loses his fear, Rimmer loses his anger, Kryten loses his guilt and the Cat loses his pride, and of course it wrecks each of them.
Omg!!! The Despair Squid episode!!! 🤣😂🤣 DWAYNE DIBLEY?!?! 😂😂 One of the best, episodes of one of the best shows of all time! So silly, ridiculous, profound, etc. Emma would love (and have a field day with) that show/episode! I also love the episode "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse". And the "Body Swap" episode. Oh - so many. Thanks. This was my favorite show for years. Haven't thought of it in a while. This comment really brightened my day! Save me a kipper. I'll be back for breakfast! 😁🤗❤️💕
I truly thank God for you. I had bounced off the bottom, and was deeply lost. I stumbled on one of your videos, and I felt a sense of hope. I bought the workbook you recommended “Get out of your head and into your life” and I have been working diligently at it. I just want to tell you thank you. You HAVE made a difference in someone’s life that you don’t even know. Thank you.
Thanks Quinn! I'm so glad you're finding hope and skills
I sometimes hate my coping skills for several reasons.
1) I cope TOO well, and don't deal with or resolve the problem.
2) I often don't appear to be falling apart until right before the dam bursts, and even then, often have to make a scene to get anyone to notice or care.
3) I can reason with anyone, but not always MYSELF. Everybody's voice of reason except my own.
4) I no longer have coping skills for when I am NOT stressed. If it's too mellow for too long, I start to worry. (At least I grew out of creating something to be worried about when that happens. I guess that's progress.)
This explains how I feel too. I’ve grown accustomed to putting on a brave face. Being the rock. Being the strong one. I guess a childhood of being told to ‘get over’ anything that upsets you can do that right ?
I was 'coping' by dancing and travelling, and it still wasn't enough. I knew I was drowning a little each day but didn't know what to do, I spent all my leftover energy after work trying to maintain my emotional sanity, and at some point I broke and gave up, that's when my joints fired up and I couldn't walk any more, let alone dancing or travelling, which made things a lot worse. Friends were turning away from me because I couldn't even find enough emotional energy (and physical ability) to have a fun interaction with them. It's been three years, I still have an enormous pile of rotten fish to process. Coping works in the short term but when it stops working, you're left with a catastrophic amount of emotions to process and a completely destroyed factory. It will take years to recover.
I'm so glad that it's possible though. I hear you, it's going to be work, but at least you have a way forward.
Emma, I found your channel a few days ago and I couldn't be more excited. You are such a lovely human. When I read this in your bio "And deeper than all of that, the Gospel of Jesus Christ orients my personal worldview and sense of security, peace, hope, and love", I was about to tear up. I am a Christian as well. What a wonderful and robust example of love and service you are setting for Christians. You are glorifying Him by your love and fantastic hard work. Thanks for all you do.
From classic Trek, admittedly not one of the better movies, but I loved this line:
Kirk: Damn it, Bones, you're a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away. I need my pain.
"Instead of coping and end up suppressing emotions, seek active peace and a focus on living the life you value" - this shook me, thanks so much! 🙏 🥰
i actually thought that _that_ was the definition of cope.. i blame social media for that misunderstanding lol
What does that mean?
I understand guilt can be productive, but I was blamed my whole life for being anxious and depressed so every time I have these feelings, I experience guilt for feeling them.
I’m sorry to hear that, you didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I hope you’ve been able to explore and process those complex feelings now
Same here. All my life basically..,
And my family accuses me of “sitting around looking for something to be sad about all day”
It’s so heartbreaking and lonely to know that’s what they think of me and my struggles
I think the second video of this series said something like, you need to stop judging your emotions and let them take up space 🫂 no matter what you have been brought up to believe
I am suffering from anxiety for the last two years and it has been hell for me. At first I couldn't muster the strength to tell my parents and go to therapy and when I did, my first experience in therapy was very bad and it made me crawl back into my shell. I just started therapy again after 8 months and I found your channel it has been a blessing. In your anxiety video you said to focus on what anxiety is telling rather than the uncomfortable feeling and it really changed my perspective of my suffering. I now watch your videos religiously and talk to my therapist about it. Thankyou so much.
Finding the right therapist is difficult but totally worth it.
This is the first time anyone has phrased it in this way for me and it is incredibly eye opening. We've been told that coping is our strength, that it is a sign of our resilience, but ive always had a nagging feeling that that's not quite right. I see tobacco, alcohol, overeating, retail "therapy" at the cost of life savings being lauded as "coping"; and overpriced scented candles and other "self care" products and services being marketed as what we need to survive. But none ever told us to just sit with our emotions and figure out what theyre telling us.
I feel like some "coping mechanisms" only bury emotions deep inside, AMD that one day they're going to burst with them. And terribly so.
THIS!!! ^^^^^ Everytime!
I have just had a revelation. For the past few weeks I have been wondering why my anxiety is such a set of physical symptoms that seem to have no specific trigger, rather than a response to a specific event. And now I realise that it is because I have been avoiding uncomfortable emotions for such a long time that the only way my body can tell me something is wrong is through physical symptoms. I am relieved that I have subconsciously (without understanding) chosen to address the emotional backlog/baggage of the past, but the penny has just dropped.
I have always been a happy go lucky, no cares in the world type of person. I now realise that I will need to learn to accept and process my uncomfortable emotions for the rest of my life.
I'm just starting this journey too, my physical symptoms have been getting worse for several years and I'm at the point where I can barely function. Finally a psychiatrist diagnosed me with Somatization, and now I'm finding that I don't even know what emotions I'm repressing. I've started seeing a therapist, but these videos are also giving me a lot of help. Just a couple days ago I realized guilt is a huge emotion that I've been repressing. Gotta make it to video 29 for that treatment lol.
Oh, but your comment caught my eye because I've always been very happy too, positively Pollyanna-ish lol. I hope we can both get back there, and still deal with our emotions constructively.
I stopped labelling my emotions a long time ago and it really helps me not to judge them. The judgement seemed to trigger the ‘coping’ to kick in but like you say, it was just suppression. I found it helpful to separate containment (in a crisis) from suppression (stuffing emotions). Containment for a short time holds them until it’s safe to create space to feel them. I grew up being told I wasn’t allowed emotions, even ‘good’ ones, which made me believe they were a choice I was making rather than a physiological state, survival instinct etc... when I accepted their helplessness I accepted that it was just my intuition trying to communicate to me.
So true! Coping can definitely help in the moment, but constantly suppressed emotions are bound to come back with a vengeance.
It can be helpful if it's a situation where it needs to take time to fully process a certain event but agree that constant suppression is not.
Example, living with a paraphilia, suppression may help in the moment but constantly suppressing these desires and emotions only make things worse in the long run; it's better to write it down and create a story to just yourself or on a website that accepts these types of taboos (make sure the website discouraged the activity preformed in real life) or draw it. People who don't understand psychology constantly say “supress these emotions” which is the worst advice a person can give.
*My emotions when I watch your videos* : super duper happy that people like you exist 😊 thank you so much for making these videos. They make a difference in your viewers lives!
Thank you! Thanks for spreading positivity
No wonder I’m still in Therapy after 8 years! They lose their copays if I get better. Your videos have helped me so much. I’m going to buy your video programs. Thank you!!
I'm starting to learn to accept the circumstances and choose when to go with the flow. If something ever goes beyond my control at least I know I have done my best and there's always another day for improvement.
Yes! Great attitude
Another thing is that if someone is angry, they are very unlikely to write a polite email to the teacher to find out what happened. Unless they used those coping skills to calm down first.
My brother was born without any pain sensitivity. He is now 51 years old. It has been a journey. This was crazy to hear because no one every has heard of it before. It was a nightmare every time he was sick.
Thank God for this channel. You are doing a great service to humanity. Good people who do therapy is painfully inaccessible for many. Most people, actually.
I truly feel like this playlist is one of the single most valuable and impactful piecers of knowledge on the internet. Thank you so much for sharing this content, I'm sure you will help hundreds of thousands if not millions of people.
Most of our mental functions just want to protect us, but do so in a "strange" manner =)
Yeah that’s true
Maybe society makes it "strange" , just maybe
The brain is a strange and wonderful organism. It’s compulsory and superimposing nature commands of us to need fear in order to get things done or to worry, but that if we don’t worry, things might fall apart, or that things have already fallen apart because we felt the fear in the first place (albeit a programmed fear). We must learn to understand the dichotomy that the brain creates, break it down to the lowest molecule to effectively handle its wicked trolling behavior.
I remember an episode of Star Trek Next Generation when Councillor Troy was trying to help Commander Data understand emotions which he was experiencing for the first time. And when he brought up the idea of positive and negative emotions, she shut that down telling him that they all have a purpose and none are good or bad.
I’m living with depression and I always feel like advise always falls into the ‘learn to cope’ category of advise. I feel like the childhood memory of that portion of the episode reminded me that there was a better way, but I just couldn’t figure out how to ask for this from my support group. Thank you for this series.
My emotions only continue to serve as a barrier to my continued survival and role in my small, work-based social setting. I've no time or place for them, and must cope in order to make rent and sustain a job. Though coping is taxing, homelessness won't make it go away and is even more burdensome in itself.
Emotions ceased to sustain me about eight months ago, when I realized that I cannot personally attain the connection and sense of adventure that excite me and keep me motivated. These things come with the help of others... Others who have either already provided what I can stand to take from them, or who couldn't care less about me or my wishes.
This ship is sinking, and I have a bucket. I'm not about to cast it into the sea.
You are an excellent therapist. I like the fact that you are very detailed and break down concepts. You need to keep doing what you are doing and dont stop!!
Anger is a secondary emotion, typically created to hide another emotion. (my mind is blown, this is amazing!)
Emotions have a greek sense to them. Emotions = motion = to move you via feelings. (what an excellent tool!)
Depression/anxiety "disorders" tend to be a label for unorganized emotions. (I wish my mother understood that)
I have subscribed
I have been through years of therapy and many rehabs due to addiction/co-occurring disorder. I am now 4 years clean and I have accomplished this through the help of support groups, counseling and faith based programs. I have come to understand the value of self care and I am still/will always be taking steps to learn about and understand myself, as well as helping others who struggle like I did, learn to do the same. I just wanted you to know how extraordinarily helpful and well explained this information is and I also want to thank you for making it available to the public. It truly is life saving therapy in a nutshell and I'm grateful for your willingness to offer it to those in need.
I used two hours to listen to this episode only. May GOD bless you and this channel!
When ever i feel anxious i listen to your video's. The logic behind it and the way you speak makes me feel at ease. The tips about the ways of changing my thinking and why it happens is very helpful. Thank you very much :)
That is so great!
Same here
I DID recently have an intense emotion (shame over doing poorly on a test which kept reemerging in my thoughts). It was interesting to go through that a little bit into this series, so I could know a little bit about how to process it better but also observe my usual ways of processing shame. Some of my answers to "What was this emotion trying to accomplish or show you?" were things I had already thought about over the past week, and some of them were new realizations that came when I fully paused everything to think. For one, the fact that I felt intense shame means I have a strong desire to do well on these tests, so that makes me feel better.
Omg. That's a breakthrough thought for me: if I feel so awful about my not doing something as well as I need to and want to and should, it means I care and have a strong desire to do it well and that's a good thing - it's a foundation for getting good at it if I just keep working at it to get to the level I need to be. Huh! THAT'S a positive thing! I've always responded with such bizarrely counterproductive, paralyzing, gut punching shame, sadness, despair, self disgust and futility. This is an awesome comments section - it's full of useful insights like this. Thanks again. Wow. I'm still shook here. This idea is so interesting and useful.
It's dealing with emotional flashbacks caused by (almost) a lifetime of trauma that I have difficulty with.
Magic mushrooms 😌
So I recently had a relapse of severe anxiety after a year when initially I had panic attacks followed by severe anxiety causing me not to be able to eat, felt my skin burning, just misery. I took citalopram for it and it helped a lot to alleviate the symptoms, which I later went off. I have been trying to accept the physical sensations but I noticed that they still creep up even when I know I’m not bothered by anything. I would wake up and have a immediate beating heart even if there was no bad dream or bad feeling. This is slowly getting better, but I noticed that one of my triggers is being a stay at home mom with my young kids all day. I often feel very isolated and my kids will fight constantly. I do what I can to mediate but in the end you can’t control their actions. I noticed that I felt better when I either left the area or distracted myself with my phone. I’m trying to work on how to not be triggered and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much. I think it’s because it feels like wash rinse and repeat and it’s just building up and I think could possibly why I’m having these reactions. I’m not sure if it’s anger or annoyance that I’m feeling. How would I successfully deal with this emotion even though I’m currently trying to deal with the problem which I know expecting them to never fight it’s not really a solution. As for the original cause of the anxiety to come back I believe that started after having intense worries about global warming. My initial one was a health anxiety. Now it feels like my mind is searching for a reason that is causing all of this distress.
That sounds so difficult Jillian 😔
I feel for you! (Hugs🤗) I hope you make time to talk to someone or even journal your feelings out so you can process them.
I have been hyper-empathetic since forever, and unfortunately also the “victim” of a lot of prejudice (born 1986 in the Pacific NW) … People have always had a hard time with me explaining how I understand how people end up the way they are (sympathizing with my “victimizers” and using that knowledge to keep self-modifying and learning more, regardless of what others do). This is a profoundly simple way explaining this (when addressing the actions of individuals amongst the “genpop” of society (The Tyrannical Mass)). Thank you for making this video.
Yes. This resonates. We need to both cope with and resolve emotions such as angry outbursts. It's good to become aware of our thoughts and emotions and not hook onto them, but we also need to at some point to reflect on and deconstruct our painful emotions so we can grow as a person with integrity.
I recently learned that my creative pursuits are a natural "coping skill". It helps me keep breathing but doesn't change anything that has to do with what's causing my depression/anxiety. Finding this channel extremely useful, thank you!
I cried a little bit watching this because I've known for years that coping mechanisms were harmful but couldn't put it into words. Thank you.
❤
You talked about the kids who have no pain response… What about those of us who live with way too much pain? Those of us who have chronic pain and our bodies’ receptors are so messed up that even when it shouldn’t hurt, it’s excruciating… You don’t talk about us… you talk about the “gift of pain“ but to some of us it is not a gift, it is a nightmare. Otherwise, loving the course so far! Thank you for all of these tools!
This is me right now. I'm young & still in school then I can't be at therapy since my parents think I don't need one. Thank you for this content. It confirms me that I'm in the right direction.
I'm confounded by the use of the term "coping skills" as a way to suppress emotions. Merriam-Webster defines "cope" as follows:
1a: to deal with and attempt to overcome problems and difficulties ...
b: to maintain a contest or combat usually on even terms or with success ...
This lady is herself teaching coping skills that she believes are better than others being offered. I agree with much of what she says, but this odd use of the term "coping" is distracting.
I suppose there are better and worse ways of coping, but ignoring or denying our emotions is not coping at all.
What the lady said about the beauty of sadness struck a chord with me. Having been confronted with grief a lot, it has been my experience that embracing it is the best way to cope with it, and it is indeed strangely beautiful.
I think what she means to say in place of "coping skills" is "self-soothing". Self soothing is a coping skill that works best in a crisis and seems to be what she is referring to, but you are right. She is describing coping skills as well.
FYI going for a run when angry is still a healthy distraction. It prevents us from lashing out on others and making the situation worse. So when angry or triggered, opt for some healthy distractions for time being so that you don't make things worse. Relax, reflect and then take the action.
When you spoke about pure emotion, my memory threw up painful stuff and the tears flowed. Think I've pushed so much stuff down just to survive, now anxiety overwhelming. I'll look at it differently now and start living. Thank
I had such a break through thanks to this video Emma. Last year, me and a friend were caught in a river, struggling to make it safely to the other side against a rough current pulling us further along the river. Friends at the other side were yelling at us to let it take us, but we couldn't hear well and that sounded too crazy to be what they were actually yelling. It was so strong I imagined us being dragged deep into it and not being able to get out. Eventually, we made it to the shore absolutely exhausted. Turns out, the river became a whole lot narrower a little further down - we would have safely drifted onto the shore. Thank you so much for this content - I can already feel a shift in my perspective.
Good metaphor / example. 🤔
Yes, this is so important. I've been learning this is DBT group too. I kept using coping skills like taking a cold shower or doing strength training whenever I felt a strong urge to self harm. I thought I was doing great because I wasn't self harming anymore, however; the urge kept coming back very strongly. But then my psychotherapist told me that it was now time for me to look at the emotions that where causing my urge to SH. It wasn't until then that I realized that I had been numbing my emotions, fleeing from them, even though I was using a healthy coping skill instead of harming myself. One of the "rules" in DBT is to only use coping skills/ crisis skills when emotions are very strong and could cause harm to yourself or others. When emotions have calmed down a little, it's important to use mindfulness skills to look at the emotions and see what has caused them. DBT is really awesome. :) Thank you for your helpful videos! Greetings from the Netherlands.
New light on feeling my emotions. Only been in therapy for about a year and I can see that there are times that you want to take a vacation from feeling because of all of the work. But I now see that it is worth it to have and use our emotions. I feel great sadness for siblings who are still in denial and don’t face the things that make them less than they could be.
I often describe my journey to my husband as a 1000 piece puzzle that has no picture and I can’t know how close that I am to finishing or at least being a healthier me. I have a therapist provided by insurance but am limited to 10 sessions. So I do a lot of self work and you have become a resource that has improved my journey.
I just watched this and I want to thank you for making this! I have struggled for the longest time with dealing with the emotions I have considered unpleasant. Instead of asking myself what is going on or taking action based on the emotion, I have buried myself with endless entertainment, music, and fantasies of my own mind. Any time the unpleasant emotion bubbles up, I push it back down and desperately try to make myself feel good again. I have gotten stressed out by simple assignments to the extent where I stay up literally until the sun came up avoiding it. I have been learning how to deal with my emotions in a positive way and be accepting of the emotions I usually want to run from.
Yes, emotions are functional and serve as indicators, sending me key messages that help me understand what is happening and giving me clues as to how I best respond. Thanks for another helpful video.
I was skeptical, because my therapy has been focused on DBT. However, it makes a lot of sense that all emotions are useful and coping may not always be the best solution.
Coping can be like weaning from the hardcore emotions by maybe simply going out for a run or performing light exercises for simply clearing things up, reading a book on how to bake a better brownie, doing these things as an option, until the intensity passes so that one can think clearly to learn better problem solve/conflict resolution methods.
I really like this video. It says, be curious about where your emotions are coming from and connect with your values to make a plan. I think these videos are great but I highly recommend watching them and bringing these ideas to your own therapist, rather than trying to figure it out on your own, especially if you've never had therapy and may benefit from it :)
I was abused as a child, and part of it involved sleep deprivation. And there was one incident, I remember clearly, even to this day.
I tripped on a locker door and banged my head on the window's frame. My history teacher saw it and immediately rushed me to the nurse's office. then to the hospital. The whole way, I was thinking, why are they freaking out, it's not a big deal, it doesn't even hurt.
Well- when I next returned to school. I saw a large red line, going from the parking lot, to the nurse's office, to my classroom's window.
I've gotten a rare glimpse into both worlds, and it's definitely given me a strong perspective on how useful our negative emotions are.
What you are doing by presenting this knowledge is a wonderful gift to humans
The "aha" moment came in the beginning when I realized a world without emotions. I think most of us would want to get rid off negative emotions But, those are essential for us, we just need to learn to cope / manage them.
Yes!! It's really hard when all your life you've been shamed for having emotions or had them invalidated, so that by the time you grow up the pain is overwhelming, and you are used to shaming yourself for any emotion you have and assuming you are inherently bad.
Coping skills helped me get more stable, but it's made me lose who I am... I used to be such a deeply feeling, empathetic and intuitive person, but now relying on only those coping skills to survive I feel numb and detached, it's harder to connect to my emotions or have any genuine connections with others like I used to.
it's ok not to be ok, and admitting that I am not ok is helping me get back in touch with myself.
Thank you so much for this video!
I’m slowly losing my best friend to terminal cancer. In my city there isn’t a lot of therapy options, also COVID has made the waiting lists incredibly long. Thank you so much for these videos- they me help immensely.
Emotion, e-motion, the energy compelling movement. The carrot and the sticks.
Why is one comfortable or pleasant and the others ranging from uncomfortable to agonising? Because you only need to be a bit happy to move that way, but you can get dead if you ignore or avoid the uncomfortable ones.
Comfortable or uncomfortable, not negative or positive.
It's actually amazing that Ashlyn has lived as long as she has. Most die from some kind of accident as a toddler.
When I understood that boredom was part of the core of having ADHD and a brain with a bit of a dopamine problem and with the right medicine and understanding boredom has become less painful.
Once I heard really beautiful interpretation:
Emotion = energy in motion
I watched your anxiety playlist and found it very helpful. There were some real gems in there. The best was the realization that I am basically safe 99% of the time even if my mind doesn't want to believe it. Anyway, I think this playlist is brilliant! I am getting a lot out of it. I've known I have had to clear out the "fish trucks" for a while. This is teaching me how to do it in a very practical and well explained way. So far I have basically learned that emotions are guides, no more, no less. Thank you so much! You are doing excellent work.
I know this is secondary to the profound wisdom you're sharing (and which I really appreciate) but I wanted to tell you how much I love your voice. It's beautifully soothing.
there's a difference between useful pain and useless pain, wow thanks evolution good work!
So is this video using the idea that "coping" is just suppressing and getting by? I am asking because my personal understanding of coping skills was that a person can BREATHE, can find another perspective, etc. as a way to cope. I never considered it a negative. Maybe it is, but before anything else, I want to make sure I understand the definition of coping.
Edit: 13:30 I may have gotten my answer. Coping helps with the ice above the surface, to some degree, but if you don't get relief from the rest of the iceberg, you will carry your issues and emotional baggage around with you longer
Thanks, your comments helped me understand.
Yeah, I think some of this video hates on coping because the message is to accept emotions and work with them. Coping can be excellent - coping can a way to process those tough feelings, not necessary suppress them. Suppression is neither accepting nor real coping.
Thanks for you comment, I scrolled down specifically to see anyone else working with this perspective.
@@joiapatricia She also stated in the video to extend willingness to problem-solving that can eventually reduce debilitating emotions, meaning there are different approaches to conflict resolutions.
Totally agree that this is what coping should be. But for someone like who abuses coping skills to an extreme, this video is a very needed message. On multiple occasions I have had a school assignment due and stayed up all night until the sun came up avoiding my emotions through coping behaviors like RUclips or webcomics instead of just doing the assignment. I need to learn to confront my problems rather than avoid them in an endless cycle.
i get pain sensitivity when my conscious tries to change my subconscious
You arę a true gold! This chanel helped me overcome anxiety and depression. And gives me clue how to deal with emotions. It’s a pity that no one is teaching that at school, life would be more easier. Sending love ❤️❤️
This is so wonderful! I am in long term recovery for substance abuse since 12/2011! This not only almost ruined my life and my relationship with my now amazing HUSBAND, but almost took my life from me! Although I have battles with staying sober with alcohol with a recent relapse, I have realized that I don't need even that anymore in my life! I have come so far by the grace of God. I am a survivor and I stand here today ONLY because of God's intervention and my amazing husband of mine! I love this therapy course so much! I am always looking for new things to help me along my path of recovery! Even though she things are reminders, I still need those sometimes! God bless all who are here and doing this course! May you gain the knowledge you seek for peace in you life!
okay so this title really bothered me because my whole recovery has been learning coping skills. but i think there’s a fundamental difference between between what i call coping skills and what you call coping skills my coping skills focus on calming myself down JUST enough to be able to sit with, analyze, and understand the emotion NOT suppress them in the past i used self harm to suppress emotions because i don’t have to focus on what caused the issue of i’m busy trying to hide, and fix my physical pain. i’ve NEVER heard “coping skills” defined the way you define them. my roomate actually advised me to ignore this video because the titled bothered her as well the message wasn’t bad but i worry the title and fundamental miscommunication around “coping skills” could be stoping your message from getting to the people it may help
This puts a lot into perspective- especially with this thing I've been noticing in myself for a long time, where I am hypervigilant and hypersensitive to anything that feels like danger to me, but because I know I'm prone to paranoia and overblown reactions, I'm thoroughly unable to trust myself when I sense real danger. Like when I'm suspicious that genuinely every single person I meet is out to hurt me, and to cope with that reaction I've learned to push down and ignore my discomfort, what happens when I'm really seeing red flags? I ignore them, is what happens, and I've ended up in some really bad situations because of that. Things to think on.
And I guess the big thing to take away is another thing I've been slowly realizing, which is that my therapists have not been helpful to me. I've learned mostly only coping skills, after extended childhood trauma my therapists basically seemed to think their job was to help me be functional and productive without ever really digging into the important stuff. Like, 4 years of therapy and they never got around to challenging my trauma brain's insistence that everyone in my life is going to harm me. And it's not that I didn't bring it up. I always knew the therapists in my little southern town were more than a little overwhelmed by my case, but it took me a while to realize to what extent.
Coping skills - "if they are your only approach then the problem never gets solved." Life. Changing. Thank you for this new way of seeing emotions and how to listen to what they are telling me.
Loving this serie of videos so far ❤️ as someone dealing with massive anxiety and bpd/avpd, it's a good recap from what I've seen in therapy, and even so much more! Coping is useful during crisis time, very true, and yet it's not an ultimate, only tool for every emotion flood, you're very right. The goal isn't to feel nothing at the end, emotions are precious. Thanks a lot to share it with us 🙏 hello from France 👋🇫🇷😊
I so appreciate this very valuable video! I have spent a lifetime distracting and numbing my often intense feelings and using the myriad of coping skills I've learned from years of therapy, but it wasn't until recently that I took this perspective of fully feeling my emotions and appreciating them for the information they provide. As a highly sensitive person, I also really appreciate you commenting on the differences and value that these traits have in the community. Thank you for all of the important information you provide for free to the world!
I can feel all these feelings but i have no drive to do anything about it... it make me feel even worse yet i still cant bring myself do work on anything. I am just to sad to care.
I feel the same sometimes--it comes and goes. I hope you can find it in yourself to not beat yourself up.
❤️ do you have someone who you can work with- a friend or therapist who can help you set super small goals?
@@TherapyinaNutshell I am going to do my best to find someone.
Same here!
Disregard her video and find some effective coping skills… Which doesn’t necessarily mean distraction or suppression but a way to manage the emotions… For example a coping skill for severe depression might mean taking a medication Learning mindful self compassion is a coping skill, which CAN be helpful when distressing emotions feel unmanageable
I feel like someone is watching me. Oh.. it's me.
I am curious to know more about distorted and exaggerated emotions. Why and how does that come about?
Your videos are so helpful, thank you!
I'm not a psychologist or any other form of mental health expert, but I have experienced this my entire life, so I'll try to provide some insight anyway.
In my experience, and for many of the people I've known, it's essentially a learned behaviour of over-defensiveness. After consistent negative feedback/emotional pain regardless of actions, eventually you just conclude that either the world is awful, or you're awful, or both, because if those aren't true then why have you suffered so much? Humans seek out patterns, so with a pattern of negativity and harm it's natural to predict the pattern will continue with more negativity and harm to come.
For example, if minor inconveniences domino into massive harm enough times, then one may start to associate minor inconveniences with those massive harms. They (honestly somewhat reasonably, considering their experiences in the past) assume that any inconvenience will be followed by massive harm and then react to protect themselves. While this may be reasonable, it's not logical, so to the world that doesn't have those reactions, it presents as anxiety or paranoia or even a degree of delusion. It's a horrible way to live and feel, because not only are you constantly predicting you're going to suffer, but everyone around you thinks you're crazy. It's a self perpetuating cycle.
How someone is raised can be a big factor as well. If a parent forces their child to apologize for everything that happens even when it wasn't their fault, the child may internalise it and end up blaming themselves for everything. Since life isn't perfect, that can quickly turn to self-hate, even to the point of believing they actually *deserve* to suffer just because of a small mistake or even an event unrelated to them.
The worst part about these issues- as I mentioned earlier- is how they feed into themselves endlessly. Left unchecked they tend to just get progressively worse over time. These thought patterns lead to behaviours attempting to protect themselves, but ironically, usually the overreaction actually causes bad events to occur. But since they occured, that only confirms that the defensiveness was justified- "I wasn't prepared enough", or "I wasn't good enough to stop this". Even if, like myself, someone is aware of this cycle, it can be extremely difficult to see it happening in real time- in the moment, instinct and fear takes over, and by the time hindsight brings the realization that the anxiety or whatever else caused the problem, the "lesson" to be more anxious has already been internalised emotionally. Not to mention that hindsight itself can perpetuate the cycle, since someone can easily blame themselves at that point... Even if excessive self-blame IS the problem.
That's why external intervention is so frequently necessary, it's practically impossible to break the cycle alone. Not completely impossible, but difficult enough that expecting someone to "just get better" is very unreasonable (and those sentiments can make it worse).
Anyway, I hope this helps your understanding, whether you've experienced it yourself or are trying to understand for someone else or simply for the sake of concept.
@@vaughnhaney7020 I was abused as a child and therefore as an adult, I go through cycles of which some have been reduced by self-care. When stress blindsides me, I go through a cycle of what looks like protection (OCD like behavior) by needing to fix or blame a family member. What else could be done in this instance besides what you eloquently explained?
Dear Emma, I am a great fan of your videos, they are really truly clever and helpful regarding all life aspects and our relationships. I think, here it would not be a bad idea to clarify the distinction between feelings and perceptions confused by lots of people. Blessings from Hungary ❤❤❤❤
Thank you again. So much of this is reinforcing what I’m work towards. I’ve been trying to do less coping lately and more techniques to ride out and feel the feeling.
Good video! "Coping" is what children are taught constantly when they are criticized for expressing (or even feeling) many emotions. We learn to live on the sad surface of things, believing that, if we expressed ourselves in a real way, Havoc will ensue! No one will be able to tolerate us. We will lose everything. I like "just get started shoveling." Yes! I love your anti-cognitive therapy stance. It's delightful!
This way of dealing with emotions helped me so much in resolving my mental health issues, but I was told so many times to „stop thinking so negative“, because I had a really hard time to explain it in a way, that people would understand, what I’m talking about…now I can can just show this video!! Thank you very much for that!! 😀
I'm very very grateful that you exist. 🙏❤
This series has been quite clarifying, waiting for upcoming episodes. Thanks a lot for creating it!
Anyone else feel like with watching this channel you’re ACTUALLY going to be able to resolve the issues your working on? She gives me so much hope. I connect with her messages deeply
I have REALLY high tolerance for pain! And I can be very irresponsible on random things around daily things
Ive come to realize that it is not good, and does not help me by not feeling what what i should be feeling. I turn this realization into a strengh to be more aware of what should be my reaction and has put me in a place of awareness that has only helped me overtime
I’m so grateful to have come across your Chanel. I’ve listened to a few sessions and they have been tremendously helpful. I have always been a highly sensitive person. Since I was a child, I have been told I was too sensitive and that I don’t have good interpersonal skills. I’ve always disliked myself and wanted to be someone else. I tried to change my personalities and did stupid things while trying to change myself. Those things end up traumatizing me even more. My own mother contributed to me not accepting myself because she tried to change me because she thought some of my personalities were not good and would not help me progress further in the world. I’m in my mid thirties and now accept myself more than ever and learning the emotional intelligence skills. Although the years between age 15 and early 30s have been painful. It’s better late than never.
Sometimes danger is real, but not immediate. When it is immediate, some people are less equipped to defend themselves. There are a lot of dangers that you can't fight, or run away from, or wait out. So it's not always easy to dismiss anxiety as unfounded. We are all in danger, some of us more so than others. Life is not safe. But it's useful to be able to distinguish and tune out some of those less-immediate dangers, or else you end up like me, aging prematurely from stress, with a damaged nervous system that keeps kicking into fight-or-flight mode for no reason.
I am just very very VERY grateful your channel exists. I lost so much time trying to mine information on the internet about my issues, how to resolve these painful emotions I have for so long. I am from a relatively poorer country and I can't afford a therapist, I know you would say that these videos cant substitute therapy but your videos are the most helpful things that I found in my life so thank you for your help.
Please continue making important information like these free for people like me. Have a good and beautiful day.
I muted my feeling couple years ago and now I have to learn them now. I was a very emotional kid, very empathetic, felt every emotion very strongly. I turned them off for a long time and now Im struggling with empathy or guilt, bc I don't feel them. I can act in an empathetic way or show guilt bc I know that is a right thing to do but it doesn't change that when a person close to me is crying I don't feel it, I may be annoyed though. Due to lack of connection with my emotions it is normal that they come later than they should. something may have happened two days ago but I only feel it now and I have to think, what happened recently to make me like that. I don't know if empathy or guilt will ever come back, I am 18, am in therapy bc of depression and anxiety, muted my emotions when I think I was 13 or so, now I have to learn basics again.
thank you for reading
God bless you! I just discovered this channel, and this was exactly what I needed to hear! I have a lot of trouble with proper emotional processing, so I think this will be really helpful 😊
I remember the moment I realized the lack of visible difference between numbing-addictive type behaviors and "coping skills". I finally decided the only functional difference between the two is your intention, or what you're using them to move toward.
“You can’t build a bridge across a river with Ritz crackers” 😹 love this visual
Thank you so much. I couldn't understand why I still revert to coping mechanisms even though I know how unhelpful they are. Just listening to this episode actually got me up from 2 days of lying inert in bed depressed and not eating. Thank you, thank you.
This talk helps so much in dealing with negative emotions by pointing out their functions . A positive perspective .
Its because of your video on meditation and neauroplasticity that I discovered this incredible tool. Thank you so much.
Awesome
I wish my parents taught me emotional control. I got angry once as a kid, smashed a toy I loved and then I cried about it. To this day, whenever I get angry it just turns into sadness...
I agree about the coping skills being used as a solution when in reality it's just a cover-up of a bigger issue. Although the example of guilt and anxiety in my opinion is not that accurate, the root of the problem is more rooted than just answering a question and then being able to let it go. Our bodies have been trained by us to respond in certain ways, so a rational solution is not enough. It's a process of re-teaching our mind and body and often that process is long and scary for life-changing.