The Legendary Joke | Tales From the Bottle
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- Опубликовано: 11 янв 2024
- No one knows where this joke came from, and no one knows where it will go.
""An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman" is the opening line of a category of joke cycle popular in Ireland and the United Kingdom. The nationalities involved may vary, though they are usually restricted to those within Ireland and the UK, and the number of people involved is usually three or sometimes four. In Ireland, the characters are sometimes called "Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman, and Paddy Scotsman". Depending on who is telling the joke, one nationality fares well and the other nationalities fare poorly according to national stereotypes. For example, in England the punchline is usually based around the Irishman being stupid, the Scotsman being mean or miserly, and the Englishman being posh (or a snob but ultimately not the butt of the joke), whereas in Scotland and Ireland, the Englishman will typically be the butt of the joke. Sometimes, when the joke requires four people, a Welshman is brought in."
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you're a legendary joke, qxir
Tink
I'm Czech. A bohunk. You have no idea how many of these jokes I've heard at my expense.
Can you make another one, some of these are really funny 🤣
Can you make another one, some of these are really funny 🤣
This is the best I have heard
An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar. The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'II show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".
The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."
The best of the bunch
Deserves more likes
This ones good 😂
It gave me a good chuckle. Nice one.
What a bastard 🤣
Paddy and Murphy were walking down the street and saw a sign saying "TREE FELLERS WANTED" Paddy says to Murphy "damn it's a shame there's only two of us".
I'm using this with my logger friend tomorrow.
I just choked on my coffee 😂
I love your channel so much, and your art that tells the story so perfectly. Thanks for being the legend you are! You have to make these jokes into shorts! 😂
Lmfao
I don't get it?
They say that in heaven: the cops are English, the cooks are French, and the Germans are the engineers… in hell: the cops are German, the English are the cooks, and the French are the engineers.
Q: "Is all English food bad?"
A: "If prepared the right way and using the correct products, it is. "
hillarious
I get the Germans and English but the French are bad engineers? I know they surrendered in war a lot but they built a structure that was held as the tallest in human history for a period of time
@@rgmoses2189 Yes, plus TGV, Airbus, Cars, and so on.
@@jmbpinto73 so why are they engineers in hell?
My favourite of this sort is this: three generals are arguing over who has the bravest soldiers. The American general calls over a soldier, points to a 25-metre building, tells the soldier to climb it, & jump off. The soldier does as ordered. The French general does the same but with a 50-metre building. The soldier does as ordered. Then the British general calls a soldier over, points to a 75-metre building, tells the soldier to climb it, & jump off. The soldier comes to attention, salutes smartly, and says, 'Are you feckin' crazy, SIR!?' The British general turns to the other generals and says, 'Now, THAT is bravery'!
Harsh but true.
I heard the same joke, but done with more detail, with US military branches, can't recall it quite fully though... In order however, it was the U.S army, U.S marines, and then the navy.
Brits don't say 'feck'.
@@No-ln8wb They make a lot of fun of the air force.
@@mati.benapezo Three generals are arguing over who has the bravest soldiers, the army general calls a man, and points over to a nearby cliff, and tells him to jump off, he does so without question.
The marine general is frustrated, and tells a man to get inside of a tank, and drive it into the water, and he does so as ordered.
The navy admiral says they have nothing on his men, and then points up to a man climbing the rigging, and tells him to jump off, the man then tells the admiral to kill himself.
The navy admiral then goes "Now that's bravery!
Well, I may as well add one I like:
And Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are washed up on a desert island. After a few weeks of barely surviving on coconuts and seaweed, they find a magic lamp with a genie inside. The genie says that he will grant each of them one wish. The Englishman says "I miss my family, I wish I was home" and the genie magics him back to his family. The Scotsman says "I miss my local pub, I wish I was there" and so the genie magics the Scotsman to his local pub. And now the Irishman, alone on the island with the genie says "I miss my friends...I wish they were here with me."
You used the one I just spent time typing out! Lol oh well and c'est lavi!
Aw dammit, this is the one I was going to write too lol.
I’ve heard that one with a Chinese, Japanese, and Korean, with the Chinese saying he wants his friends back.
This one just narrowly missed out on being in the video!
That's funny😂
An Irishman called Paddy is badly burned in a fire and dies. His two best friends, Mick and Seamus, are summoned by the Gardaí to identify the body. Unfortunately, he is so badly burned that his face is unrecognisable, but Seamus tells the officer to turn the body over.
"That's not Paddy." Seamus says firmly. "It can't be. Paddy had two arseholes, and this fella has only one."
"What?" asks the Gardaí. "He had two arseholes?"
"Oh yeah." says Seamus. "Everyone knew that. Whenever we used to go into town together everyone used to say 'Hey look, here comes Paddy with them two arseholes.'"
You win 🤣😁 Outstanding 👏👏
Good one mate
😂😂😂😂
😂
😂😂
I was in ireland and pretty lost, i approached a local and said "what's the quickest way to cork?" He said "are ya walkin or droivin?" I said "im driving" , he said "aye, dats de quickest way!"
Paddy Irishman and Paddy Englishman went out hunting together for deer. Once out in the forest, Paddy Englishman suddenly clutched his chest, dropped to his knees, and passed out on the forest floor. Paddy Irishman immediately called 999.
When the operator answered, he yelled, "HELP! PADDY ENGLISHMAN IS DEAD!"
"Now hold on a second", said the operator, "Calm down. First, let's make sure that he's dead".
The phone went silent for a second. Then a loud gunshot was heard.
"Ok", Paddy Irishman said, "Now what?".
There is a funny one. For contex I'm Swedish.
A swed, a troll, a witch and a smart Norwegian race to the top of the eifel tower. The troll climbs, the witch flys on her broom, the swed takes the stair and the smart Norwegian takes the elevator. Who arrives first? It's the swed of course. Because there are no trolls, there are no witches and there are no smart Norwegians.
Yup, that's a classic one. I'm also Swedish, though I live in Norway now :P :P
I've heard that as a dumb blonde joke, with Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and a smart blonde being the fictional characters. Never climbing the Eiffel Tower though, usually jumping off of some tall landmark.
😂😂
nor smart swedes it seems :D
We have the excact same one in Norway, with the roles switched of course :-)
It's kind of convoluted, but the best I ever heard was this:
An Englishman, an Irishman and a German walk into a bar and sit down to order a drink. While waiting for the bartender to get their drinks they notice a jar of money on the top shelf above the bottles of liquor.
They asked the bartender what the deal is with the jar of money. The bartender replies "We have a standing bet here. You put up $50 and try to complete three tasks. If you succeed you get the whole jar of money."
The men, intrigued, ask the bartender what the tasks are. He replies "First you have to drink a whole bottle of whiskey. Next you have to go into that room and pull a thorn from a lion's paw. Finally you have to go upstairs and have sex with a 90 year old woman." The men decide this would be an easy set of tasks and they each put down $50.
Englishman goes first, makes it about halfway through the bottle of whiskey and passes out at the bar.
The German goes next and makes his way through the bottle of whiskey, approaches the room with the lion in it and opens the door. He shrieks in terror at the sight of it and runs away.
Finally it's the irishman's turn. He polishes off the bottle of whiskey like it's nothing, stands up and stumbles this way through the door. For about 10 minutes loud screams and roars can be heard from behind the door. Finally the Irishman stumbles out covered in blood and goes "Now where is that old lady with the thorn in her foot?"
HAHAHAAHAHAHAH now, this is the best one yet
🤣
🤣🤣🤣🤣... hilarious!
Oh yeah, I think I’ve heard this before, but it wasn’t with a German.
I just laughed so hard I fell
As an American military brat, I'd like to share one from the cammo community, where it is almost always the air force that's the butt of the joke.
Civilians often wonder why the various branches of the military don't co-operate with one another particularly well, and we know it's a communication issue.
Example: Tell a man in every branch to "secure a building" and this is what will happen: the marine will storm the building, make sure no one is inside, then stand outside and make sure no one goes in. The soldier will stand outside and make sure no one goes in or out. The sailor will go inside, turn off all the lights, lock all the doors, and leave. The airman will take out a three month lease with an option to buy.
now the interservice rivalry makes sense.
You guys should upgrade - there is now an even better branch for housing useless idiots: Star Force
This is brilliant.
@folee_edge Well, it's not so much about intelligence, (usually it's the marine or the soldier that's the dumb one), it's the fact that the air force has the least strenuous of the physical demands of basic training, and their bases ALWAYS have the best supplies. When I lived overseas, (in the 90s), we would take day trips to the air force base for things like the latest in electronics and the best selection of cds, books, American snacks, you name it. That's why the joke is that they aren't really military, they're just civilians in uniform. Rarely do they ever have to deal with something like field coffee; coffee made from a rations packet that you can literally eat with a fork. And that's why we have jokes like the one I offered up.
“A reasonable man’s alternative to military service!” said the Marine to the Airman
In Wales, we tend to use all four nations of the British Isles. It tends to go - Wales, Scotland, Ireland, England. Jokes seem to focus quite heavily on the fact that the English are just more negative. The one I remember sees them all being arrested, and given a life sentence, but they can choose one thing that they'll be given an unlimited supply of. The Welshman chooses an infinite supply of time with his wife, the Scotsman and Irishman both choose bottles of alcohol, and The Englishman asks for cigarettes. The door is locked. Ten minutes later, the Englishman knocks on the door and asks the guards if they have a lighter.
A Frenchman, a Russian and a Romanian are travelling on a train. The Frenchman sticks his hand out of the window and says, “ah yes, we are in France, I smell the warm bread baking.” A while later the Russian man does the same, “ ah comrades, we are in Russia, I feel the cold of Siberia”. W awhile later the Romanian man sticks his hand out of the window. “ we are in Romania” he declares. The other two men question how he knows this. “ my watch is gone” he says.
The Frenchman smelled with his hand???
@@stoopidapples1596:
You should see what the Frenchmen do with their face!
Waahahahahaha!
A machine that catches thieves is created. They test it in Chicago and get 100 thieves in an hour. They bring it to England and get 200 thieves in an hour. They bring it to Romania and withing 15 minutes the machine was gone.
The Indian says: "We're in India". "How?" "My hand is gone."
There was an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman having some tea, The Englishman says to his wife "pass the sugar....sugar" the Irishman say to his wife "pass the honey.....honey" the Scotsman says to his wife " pass the milk... you Cow"
AHHAHAHAHA best one yet
I want second video so he can read this one
I want second video so he can read this one
I want second video so he can read this one
That was a... M00~steak
5:54 I love how the entire time it feels like a classic trio and the Welshman is a one off character who is every tenth episode
We have that effect on people.
In The Netherlands it's usually: a Dutchman, a Belgian and a German are condemned to hang at the gallows.
The Dutchman goes first. The executioner moves the lever but the trapdoor won't open and the Dutchman is released.
The German goes next. Same thing, trapdoor is stuck and the German is released.
When the Belgian is up, he asks 'Could somebody fix this thing first?'
This is my favourite: A Dutchman, a Belgian, a German, and a Englishman encounter a genie in a lamp. The genie tells them he will grant them one whish each.
The Dutchman says, "I wish for a lifetime supply of Money", and a few seconds later a huge mountain of coins appears next to him.
Then its the German's turn, he wanted to wish for infinite beer but changed his mind and said "you know what, ive been feeling insecure about my weight, i'd like to be strong and skinny again" and poof he now looks just like Schwarzenegger
Seeing this the Belgian says "You know what, I've always been insecure about something... I wish for a big d¡ck" and seconds later the englishman appears next to him 😂
@@Smauritsius Never heard that one, and it seems a bit divergent from our 'Belgian bashing' tradition.
A Dutchman, a Belgian and German are stuck on an uninhabited island. A genie appears and grants them each a wish.
The Dutchman shouts, get me back home now! The Dutchman is sent back home.
The German says, please get me back to my home too, and he also goes home.
Then the Belgian thinks about his wish.
"Wow, it's kinda lonely without those other chaps here. I wish they were still here."
Ach, die Belgierwitze
Paddy Irish man, Paddy English Man and Paddy Indian man are waiting in a hospital, the doctor comes out and says "i am so sorry but we mixed up your new borns and there is no way to tell them apart you have to decide between yourself who takes what kid home" Paddy English man goes first and leaves with what's clearly an Indian baby and is stoped by Paddy Indian man and he demands his kid Paddy English man response "I'm sorry but one of these kids is Irish and I'm not taking the risk"
😹😹😹😹😹😹😹😹😹👏
🤣🤣🤣
LMAO
Something something British people stealing things from India something something British museum
LMAO!!!
Brilliant! God bless the Irish...no one else will.
God shave the Queen !
XD
haha
Yes, almighty Zeus, bless your beloved Irish.
@@user-qw3rq6xv3nur not funny
An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman went to the Olympic games, but they didn’t have tickets. Watch this, said the Englishman. He picks up a piece of pipe laying on the ground, strode up to the entrance and says “Smith! England! Javelin!” And they let him in.
The Scotsman then takes a manhole cover, and says “McGregor! Scotland! Discus!” And in he goes.
The Irishman, spotting some barbed wire from across the road, says “Murphy! Ireland! Fencing!”
Three Danes are out hunting, when they come across a set of tracks running through a field. They stop to examine the tracks, and the first of them says, "I think it's rabbits". The second disagrees; "too big for that, it must be deer".
The third Dane is about to share his theory when the train runs them over.
This cracked me up!
Indeed in Poland we say "Polak, Niemiec i Rusek" (A Pole, a German and a Russian) and these jokes often involve them meeting the devil. They were the pinnacle od humor when I was in pimary school, here is one:
A Pole, a German and a Russian stumble upon the devil. The devil says:
-Bring me each a plant!
Aftwr some time the Pole comes back with a tulip, the German comes back with a rose, and the Russian is not there yet. Then the devil says:
-Now eat the plant you brought or you will die!
The Pole easily ate the tulip and is now watching the German eat the rose. The German is laughing and crying at the same time.
-Why are you crying?
Asks the Pole
-Because of the thorns!
-And why are you laughing?
Asks again the Pole
-Because the Russian is bringing a cactus!
lmao
@@MrDoboz Magyarok mit mondják?
A Greek, a Turk and a German are cast away in a boat with no hope to be saved. Suddenly, Poseidon rises from the sea and tells them:
-I will give you a test. Whoever successfully passes it, will be saved. Whoever fails will be left in the boat to die. You will each throw something into the sea without me knowing what it is. Then I'll go searching for it. If I find it, you lose. If I don't, you win.
-Ok says the German, I go first. He takes out his wedding ring and throws it into the sea. After a few minutes, Poseidon dives down. Sometime later, he comes up holding the ring in his hand.
-I go next, says the Turk. He pulls out a button from his shirt and throws it into the sea. Again after a few minutes, Poseidon dives down. An hour passes and the Turk is certain he has succeeded. Suddenly, Poseidon emerges from the waves holding the button.
-Well, looks like I'm the only one left, says the Greek. Then he throws something into the ocean. Once more, after a few minutes, Poseidon dives down. An hour passes, then two, then three, then four. Poseidon comes up empty handed and declares the Greek victorious.
-You're saved. But please tell me, what did you throw into the sea?
- An effervescent tablet
Also, I've heard a similar joke, but they have to bring fruits and then shove them up their anus, and the punchline is about someone bringing a watermelon.
@@krening We don't really have jokes like these, since we have so many neighbouring countries. Instead, we make fun of gypsies, Székelys, Jews, etc. individually.
Here's one of each:
A Székely man is walking down the road, waving his dog around.
An older Székely man sees this, and asks:
-Hey, why are you waving that dog around, above your head?
-I'm going to make him happy!
-That makes him happy?
-This doesn't, but when I put him back down...
-Do you know how a gypsy girl can keep her virginity?
-How?
-By being stronger than her big brother, faster than her little brother, and by moving out before her father is released from jail!
Two Jews are playing chess:
-My nose itches.
-Scratch it!
-It's closer to you!
Paddy and Murphy were in a helicopter with no roof. Paddy asks, "If the helicopter flips, will we fall out?" Murphy responds, "No, Paddy, we'll always be friends"
Being from Texas, here's how I heard the airplane joke: A German, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a Texan are riding in an airplane. The pilot tells them that the plane is going to crash and there is only one parachute (besides the one the pilot is wearing). The German marches to the door of the plane and yells "For the Fatherland!" and jumps out. Not to be outdone, the Frenchman marches to the door and yells "Vive La France!" and jumps out. Finally, the Texan yells "Remember the Alamo!" and tosses out the Mexican before putting on the parachute.
I knew that version from An American Werewolf in London.
Ouch
I'm Argentinian and I have a self-deprecating one:
An Argentinian, a Frenchman and an Itilian are on a plane and have to guess in which country they are flying over. But, they can't see outside, they can only stick one hand out. The Frenchman sticks their hand and says "I think we are over France because I felt the tip of the Eiffel tower". Then the Italian does it and says "I think we are over Italy because I felt the tip of the tower of Pisa." Finally, the Argentinian sticks their hand and says "We are definitely over Argentina, someone stole my watch!"
They built a machine in the usa to catch thieves. They tested it in California and got 200 thieves in an hour. Then they tested it in Mexico and got 500 thieves in an hour. In Argentina it took just 15 minutes for the machine to be stolen.
One I've heard is a Mexican, an American, and a Russian get on a plane. While on the flight, the Mexican drops an apple, saying "I do this so the people below have food". The American drops a book, saying "I do this so the people below gain knowledge". The Russian drops a bomb off the side saying "I do this to give the people war".
When the plane lands, the trio go and see who has received their "gifts". They stumble across a little girl crying, and ask her what's wrong. "An apple dropped from the sky and killed my dog". The American and the Russian take a moment to glare at the Mexican, and they move on. They come across a little boy sobbing, so they ask what's wrong. "A book fell out of the sky and killed my mom". The Mexican and the Russian take a moment to glare at the American, and they move on.
Finally, they come across a little boy who's laughing uncontrollably, so they ask what's so funny.
"My Grandpa farted and the house exploded."
😂 holy cow. I have rsv influenza and I just laughed so hard I can't breathe ....
Yes! I remember hearing this one as a kid here in America
Thank you for reminding me of this joke.
Dark but funny. Nice.
I have also heard this one except with a Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane
The Welshman invented the idea of contraception by using sheep’s intestines, the Irishman used fat to coat the intestines, however the Englishman improved further on the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep.
I heard a joke like that once but with Arabs as the butt of the joke.
Ouch 😖
@@JoeyCaracalyeah it’s usually arabs cause that’s what they do
@@JoeyCaracalIn Czechia it's told about Slovaks
Also, this is payback for being the butt of your jokes.
a dog walks into a tavern and says ''i dont see a thing, i'll open this one''
truly a classic
I saw that Trey the Explainer video too, lol
@@vespurrs what, i just know it's the first recorded "probably a joke"
@@vespurrs not everyting is a YT video. Sometimes the videos are made after a notorious fact.
@@Zatlea33 I first learned about it in a recent video by Trey, so I jokingly and incorrectly assumed that you might have, too.
@@nashooo5903 Yes, I am aware of that.
i've heard an american version of the airplane joke before, which was my first exposure to the format
"An American, a Canadian, and a Mexican are in a hot air balloon. The hot air balloon starts losing air and cannot handle the weight.
The Mexican tosses avocados off the side of the hot air balloon, saying 'we don't need any more of these in our country'
The Canadian tosses a beaver off the side of the hot air balloon, saying 'we don't need any more of these in our country'
The American tosses the Mexican off the side of the hot air balloon, saying 'we don't need any more of these in our country.'"
In Canada, Newfies (Newfoundlanders) are the but of the joke.
A Newfie couple, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband & wife replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the Canada was French, and they didn't want to take the chance because neither of them could speak French
I’m supprised the butt of those jokes isn’t people from quebec
Quebecers definitely get ripped on too. Where I’m from, we mostly rip on people from the next town over
Newfie jokes are friendly ribbing, if you're making fun of Quebec it probably borders on hate speech.
How do you get a one-armed Newfie out of a tree?
Wave to him.
How do you get a two-armed Newfie out of a tree?
Toss him a beer, then wave at him.
@@goldenfiberwheat238 a newfie joke isn't really supposed to be mean.. anything an anglo has to say about the Quebec isn't going to be good natured lol
@@davidconnellan6875 I see
The Scotsman is usually there as a bit of an ornament, whilst the English and the Irish trade places in the jokes
Apart from in Scotland, where he is the hero of course. Pained as I am to say it, we Englishmen are probably the butt of the joke in Scotland and Wales more often than not. 😅
@@AtheAethelingcorrect, our jokes are basically the same as the ones in this video with the Scotsman being the hero rather than the Irishman. The Englishman is still the butt of the joke unfortunately
We got the same in the netherlands. We make jokes about how the belgian is retarded while the german is either an extra or a drunk.
As a Scotsman I can confirm this. On another note, what's black and shrivelled and hangs from the ceiling? An Irish electrician.
The Welshman is just happy when he's included
In America growing up, I had the Dumb Blonde jokes where she tags with a redhead and a brunette and get into situations just like the Irishman, Scotsman and Englishman. I even told the potato sack joke; although, it was changed from them stowing away on a boat to robbing a bank and hiding in various sacks in an alley.
The one I heard of them running from cops had them run into a forest and climb trees to hide in them. The cops get to the forest and they hear movement in one of the trees. The brunette’s hiding up there, so she meows. The cops figure it’s a cat and keep moving. They hear something in another tree. The red head starts whistling, they figure it’s birds and keep going. They hear something in a third tree. The blonde goes “moooo.”
Here, this is one I’ve got to share
A Japanese man, Thai man and a Korean man sit to enjoy a nice view.
The Japanese man says
“The north of my country is beautiful and lush with life”
The Thai man says “The north of mine has beautiful architecture and cultural heritage”
The Korean says
“The north of my country has starved civilians and a dictator”
That's probably the origin of "engineer, physicist, and mathematician" jokes.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are on a train going through Scotland. The engineer sees a black sheep, and says, "Aha! The sheep in Scotland are black!" The physicist says, "No, _some_ sheep in Scotland are black." The mathematician shakes his head and says, "No, at least one sheep in Scotland is black on one side."
Crying laughing emoji X3
In America these jokes were common growing up but it was usually replaced with a blonde, redhead, and brunette, with the blonde being the butt of the joke
Yeah. I always heard the one about them in the bags where one says potatoe as a dumb blonde joke.
They can be interchangeable, but usually when I've encountered blonde/brunette/redhead jokes they're also specifically sexual somehow. Like, jokes about boobs that won't work with male characters, as one example.
Sadly, it depends on the area you grew up in and how racist your family was. The versions I heard usually used Black folks (with the racial slur you're thinking of) as the butt of the joke, with the other two depending on the joketeller.
That's because Americans can't name three countries
Ok...
Three blondes are lost in the middle of a desert. Whilst staggering through the dunes and arguing and bickering about who was to blame in how they got there, one of them accidentally kicks some sand over revealing... A lamp. Astonishingly, one of them has an idea - "Hey, why not try rubbing it and see if a Genie comes out of it!", so, they did, and hey presto, with a puff of smoke, one appears! "I am the Genie of the lamp, I grant three wishes, but as it is three that found me, I grant one wish to each of thee!"... The first blonde, still miffed at the other two, came up with an idea... "Hey, I want my wish to be that I was more intelligent than the other two so that I can get myself outa here!", POOF, he turns her into a Redhead... "Hey! Wait a minute!" says the second blonde, "IF THAT'S the game, then I want my wish to be brainier than THAT BITCH!!!", POOF! The Genie turns her into a Brunette... "WOH WOH WOH!" says the third Blonde, "I ain't havin' that!!! So... For MY wish...I want to be brainier than THOSE TWO put together!"... POOF! The genie turns her into a Man....
Boom-tish! -I thank you...
😎🇬🇧
I like the Swedish version of this type of joke a bit more. We call them Bellman stories. While it has many variations to it, they're all about Bellman; a historic Swedish comedian who's usually portrayed as an idiot, but still comes out on top through frankly magic means, or straight up charlatanism.
I think the most popular version is the "En rysk (a Russian), en tysk (a German), och en Bellman", but on RUclips I have found "En tysk, en fransk (a Frenchman)", "En norsk (Norwegian), en rysk", and while I can't find an example on RUclips, I recall a popular version from elementary school being "En norsk, en torsk (a codfish)".
Here's an example:
Bellman, an Englishman, and a Russian stood and boasted.
- I actually got a bronze medal for kicking a soccer ball over a two-story building, said the Englishman.
- Ha, ha, well I actually got a silver medal for kicking a soccer ball over a four-story building, said the Russian.
Then Bellman said:
- Eh, I kicked a brick over a skyscraper.
The others asked what Bellman got for it.
- I got uh, pain in the foot, answered Bellman.
In Czech republic, we have our version of this joke with "The Czech, Russian and an American"
I remember laughing my ass off with these jokes as a kid
Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street when Paddy falls down a hole and breaks his leg.
He shouts up to his friend, “Murphy, call me an ambulance!”
So Murphy runs around the whole shouting, “Paddy is an ambulance, Paddy is an ambulance!”
Until the paddy wagon showed up.
I came back cus I felt bad about not honouring the tone of the video. So here’s to being fair:
Two Englishmen were at the pub and spy an Irishman sitting alone with a Guinness. The first Englishman turns to his friend, “Watch me get a rise out of this paddy” and walked over to the Irishman’s table. “Saint Patrick was a c***” he says, to which the Irishman smiles and nods.
Upon is friend’s return the second Englishman turns to his friend and goes, “No no no, watch me, I’ll get him going” before he swaggers over to the other table. “Saint Patrick was an Englishman” he says.
The Irishman smiles again and says, “Yeah, y’man just said”
An Englishman is driving through rural Ireland on holiday when he comes to a ford. He stops, not knowing how deep it is. Luckily there is an Irishman sitting on the bank nearby chewing grass.
"Excuse me, my good man." says the Englishman. "How deep is the ford?"
"Only a couple of inches." says the Irishman.
"Thanks." the Englishman drives into the ford and disappears under the surface in a cloud of bubbles.
"That's funny." the Irishman muses, chewing on his grass. "The water only comes up halfway on them ducks."
I thought you were gonna end with 'told him his Ford was already 2 inches in...'
As an American, Ford is a car company and I do not understand this joke.
@@zepharephic5381it’s a name for a part of a river where the bank is dug out so you can drive through it
A young man from the big city graduates from the police academy and his first job is as the one-man police force of an extremely small, rural town. On his first day the mayor informs him that he's been booked the following morning to appear in front of the second-grade class, jointly with the school principal, to give a talk about the importance of making the right choices in life. Terrified, the young policeman calls the principal on the phone, and the principal reassures him: "It's mostly the uniform," he says, "so you can't really mess this up. If you get stuck, just follow my lead."
The next morning the policeman and the principal appear in front of the second-grade class as scheduled. The principal speaks first. He walks up to the chalkboard and he draws a large circle. "This is your brain," he says. Then he draws a much smaller circle and points at it. "But this is your brain on drugs."
The kids look at each other for a split second and then erupt in thunderous applause. The principal sits down. The policeman, still extremely nervous, remembers the advice he was given. He points at the smaller circle and says
"This is your asshole, *before* you go to prison."
Here’s an American one for y’all poking fun at southerners. A northerner, an Appalachian, and a southerner disturb a Native American burial ground causing an angry entity to rise.
“I gotta go get help!” Yells the northerner as he runs toward the nearest town
“I’ve seen this before!” Yells the Appalachian as he runs off into the woods
The southerner doesn’t run, he just stands there and yells “Boy, do you know who’s land you’re on?!”
(For any foreigners the joke is relating to how southerners are seen as arrogant and stubborn by other regions of the U.S. especially towards native Americans.
A German, a Frenchman, and a Mexican are staying at a hotel when the manager ask them how many sheets they want on their beds. The German, in a German accent, says "I will have two sheets on my bed." The Frenchman, in a French accent says " I will have one sheet on my bed." The Mexican, in a Mexican accent, says "You sheet on my bed I kill you."
I sheet you not
As a Mexican I absolutely knew where this was going and still lost my shit.
@@elisehalflight Well, you should probably go find it. Wouldn't want to sleep on an empty bed.
@@jephesoj31 this comment section is amazing
@@elisehalflight You mean you lost your "sheet"?
I have one such a joke:
A Pole, a German and a Russian are trying to cross the river by the bridge, but they get stopped by the devil.
Devil says to them: "I'll let you pass through only if you gonna make my horse laugh".
3 man have no other option, but to try make the horse laugh.
First is the German, he comes up to the horse and tells him a joke, but the horse doesn't react at all.
Second one is the Russian, he tries the same, but also fails.
Finally it's the Polish guy turn, he comes up to the horse and whispers something to it's ear, Horse is laughing after that without a brake.
When 3 man are going back the same bridge they get stopped again by the devil and his STILL laughing horse.
"You have to make it stop, this horse has been laughing for hours now! I can't stand it!"
A German tries but horse is not stopping, Russian also fails, Pole comes up to the horse, shows its something, and the horse immediately stops laughing.
Devil let's the 3 man go. The German and The Russian asked Pole how he did it.
Pole simply answers:
"In the first place i told the horse, my dick is bigger than his. And just now I proved it."
lol
I guess that's why they call them poles...
I'm stealing this
The ancient tradition of measuring contests. 👍
@@stoopidapples1596 lmao
Funny thing is, in my birthplace we don't often do this jokes with nationalities, but with rival cities !
The one where he yelled “fire” and got shot killed me. Something is so funny about the idea that a person about to get shot by a fire squad would yell something like “ready, aim, Fireeee”
Infinite number of people walk into a bar.
First one orders half a liter of beer
Second one orders half of what first one ordered.
Third one orders half of what second one ordered
Fourth one orders half of what third one ordered
Bartender throws a 1L bottle of beer at them and tells them to fuck off
Much better than the original
The bartender is an idiot because he gave them 0.0625 liters too much, was rude to customers, and asked customers to do his job. The solution is actually pretty easy. All he has to do is take a liter of beer and pour half of it into the first guy's mug, then pour half of the remaining beer into the second guy's mug, and so on. As for how much it costs, it's always half of the previous guy's invoice.
@@Accrovideogames Analysing a joke is like dissecting a frog - no one is interested and a frog is dead
@@Accrovideogames They just said an infinite number of people walked into a bar. I guess they should have said "and so on" after the fourth one.
@Accrovideogames Truthfully the infinite number of people should know their limits.
I've heard the first one with the rainbow, but the third guy heard what the leprechaun said. Unfortunately he tripped and fell down the rainbow yelling out "Holy sh*t!"
there's also an extended version of yours where the guy who yells shit is the only one to survive the fall, as the other two died on impact.
there's a version where the last guy yells DIAMONDS! and gets impailed.
there's also a version where he yells FUCK! and dies a happy man.
There should be a version where the Englishman says "BLOODY HELL" and lands in London
Here in the SE US, our variation focuses on states, with it usually being a Tennessean, Floridian, and Alabamian in my home state of Tennessee, with Tennessee in the best position and the worst position being whoever is beating the University of Tennessee in SEC college football that particular year. It used to almost always be Florida, but Alabama has been in that position for the last decade or so.
The Internet, especially social media ruined these types of jokes. They used to be so great and persisted so long because they were retold verbally, and once you forgot it, it rolls around again, but now, you try to tell a joke, and everyone already heard it in a tweet 5 years ago, and if you do come up with a fresh new joke, it is a one-hit deal, the entire world hears it within a few month, and if it is any good, it is shared so rapidly that most people turn violent if you try to tell it again
As a Welshman, I am honoured to have Paddy Welshman as my representative.
Here in Norway we have one about a Sweed, a Dane and a Norwegian:
The 3 men were working at a farm, they were tasked with getting the pig out of the barn. First the Dane goes in, after a minute he runs out shouting "Ew, it stinks". Then the Norwegian walks in, after 2 minutes he runs out shouting "Ew, it stinks". Then the Sweed goes in, after 10 seconds the pig comes running out "Ew, it stinks"
There is a hundred or so variations, but this is the one I remember
Oh dammit. Missed this one.
Canadian here, heard a different version of this. A car breaks down in the country side, it has a hindu, a jew, and a lawyer. A farmer lets them stay the night, but there's only enough room inside for 2 of them. The hindu won't sleep in the barn bc a cow is being raised for meat, and in his faith cows are sacred. The jew won't bc there are pigs, and his faith veiws them as dirty. Of course neither the cow, or pig will sleep in the barn with the lawyer.
Works well with curry people too
Paddy and Murphy were walking down the street, Murphy fell into a hole, Paddy shouted "Is it dark down there" Murphy shouted back " I don't know, I can't see"
For some reason, most of these in Norwegian are silly jokes for kids. For instance:
The Swede, Dane and Norseman did a bet on who could stay in the pig's house for the longest time. At first, the swede entered and came running back out almost immediately. "The pig farted!" he complained. Then it was the Dane's turn. He went in, but after a few minutes he too came running. "The pig farted" he also exclaimed. Then the Norseman entered the pigs house. Some time went by, and suddenly the pig came running, proclaiming "The Norseman farted!".
I vaguely remember hearing a variation on that joke about the doomed plane that had an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Norwegian, a Dane, and a Swede.
As I recall, the Englishman jumps out first, yelling "For the queen!" The Frenchman goes second, yelling "For freedom and liberty!" Then the Dane and the Swede throw out the Norwegian, yelling "For Nordic Co-operation!" 😂
How did the Scotsman find the sheep in the tall grass?
Very satisfying.
Thats usually aimed at the Welsh !
Why do Scots wear kilts. Cos the Scottish sheep can hear a zipper opening from a mile away
What’s the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman? Jagger sings “Hey you get off of my cloud” while the Scotsman shouts “Hey McCloud get off of my ewe”.
lmao these are brilliant
Never heard that as the Scotsman. Always the Welshman.
Paddy Physicist, Paddy Biologist and Paddy Mathematician pass an empty house and see someone go into it. A few moments later, two people leave the house. Paddy Physicist says "Ah, our initial assumption must have been wrong!" Paddy Biologist says "No, they must have reproduced!" Paddy Mathematician says "No, no; now if someone goes into the house, it'll be empty again!"
A physicist, and engineer, and a mathematician are tasked with finding the volume of a cow.
The mathematician measures the joints, the lengths between them, the curvature as it transitions, and starts calculating the volume on a long stretch of butcher paper.
The engineer dunks the cow in a tank of water and measures the displacement.
The physicist stares down the cow for a good hour and a half before turning to the other two: "let's assume the cow is a perfect sphere ..."
@@trolleymouseNo no no, it’s “assume a spherical cow…”
@@trolleymouseStill not as bad as what the materials scientist did.
An engineer, a mathematician and a philosopher were hired by a farmer to build the cheapest fence possible to contain his sheep; each is given one flock to work with. The engineer measures his sheep, determines their average size, and builds a circular enclosure to maximize area, using 50 feet of fence. The mathematician stretches a length of fence around the flock and draws it as tight as possble, using just 30 feet. The philosopher takes four feet of fencing, wraps it around himself, and says "I define myself to be on the outside."
I found the nerd table
The version of this joke I know has flies dropping into beer pints at a pub. The Englishman sends it back, the Scotsman brushes it off, & the Irishman squeezes the fly, "Spit it out, you little bastard!"
Thanks. This is called The Numbskull Story among folklorists. Fifty years ago I took a class outside my major and enrolled in The International Folk Tale. So enriching. I took up storytelling to augment my elementary school teaching for 34 years. Japanese folktales were among my favorite.
Paddy Irish man is driving a car down a winding road. He's steering with his knees, as he's using his hands to knit.
A police offer sees this and drives along side him. He winds down his window and shouts "pull over"!
Paddy Irish man looks over at the officer and says "No, it's a pair of socks".
That’s from Dumb and Dumber.
@@ferretyluv It's an old joke Dumb and Dumber used. You surely don't think that this movie is the first that one's been told.....
I'm pretty sure Jesus says that joke in the Bible, dude
Three Englishmen were having a lovely afternoon walk in the countryside, when they came across some tracks. They stopped to examine the tracks more closely, and one of them finally declared, "Looks like we've found some deer tracks!"
"No, you idiot!" A second cried out. "They're obviously sheep tracks!"
"Both of you are morons!" The third exclaimed. "These are obviously goat tracks!"
And then they were all obliterated by the oncoming train.
(I originally heard this as a 'dumb blonde' joke lol)
I was gonna say, that’s a dumb blonde joke.
Works just the same, if not, even better
Instead of 3 blondes which you automatically assume are going to be dumb, I imagined 3 wise-english men that couldn't figure out train tracks for the life of them
Ah, it’s all good fun, and some of those were belters. So here’s my favourite for you.
Paddy and Mick started a job in a lumber yard. They’d been there a couple of weeks and doing a grand job, but then Mick slips, falls into the sawmill and gets his arm hacked clean off. Paddy was smart, he went straight to Mick’s arm and put it in a bag. Then he picks Mick up and takes him and his arm to the hospital.
Paddy goes to the hospital the next day to see his mate. The doctor tells him the surgery was a complete success and that Mick is in the recovery room. Paddy goes there and sees Mick lifting a 50kg weight with the arm that had been cut off! After two days, he was back at work.
Two weeks later, Mick slips again, this time getting his leg cut off by the sawmill. Paddy does the same as before, taking his friend and his bagged leg to the hospital. He goes back the next day and finds him once again in the recovery room, lifting 100kg with the leg he’d had cut off. Two days later, Mick was back at work again.
A couple more weeks pass, and Mick slips again! This time, the saw cuts his head clean off. Paddy does the same again, getting his friend to hospital.
The next morning, Paddy goes back to the hospital. The doctor says, “I’m sorry, but we couldn’t save your friend, he died.” Paddy was upset, but said, “Well, I suppose putting a head back on isn’t possible.” The doctor replies, “That wasn’t the problem. You put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated, you eejit.”
That sucks
An Eskimo enters a bar. "Whisky" he shouts, "with ice?" replies the barman. "Fuck off" , says an Eskimo.
I got one;
An American, a German and a Japanese are going golfing. During the game the German guy's hand starts ringing. He makes in the shape of a phone and starts talking into, much to the bewilderment of the Japanese and American. When he finishes he tells its a great new technology from Germany, he's got mini microphone and speaker in his pinky and thumb allowing him to use hand as a phone. The other men are impressed by this.
A few holes later the Japanese guy's ears starts ringing. The American and German watch he steps the side, talking to himself. When he finishes he tells them its great new technology from Japan, he has a speaker implanted in his ear and one of his teeth has microphone in it. The other men are impressed by this.
Near the last hole the American is about to take his shot when suddenly he rushes into the tree line. The German and Japanese look bewildered but wait patiently. Then wait some more. And some more. Finally they go check on him. They see him squatting in the bushes behind a tree. "Hey, are you ok Yankee?!", one of them yells out. The American looks back and says; "I'm fine, but this is one pain in the ass of a long fax I'm printing out here."
Huh, I would have thought the Japanese was the one to print fax, as they still use it in Japan (though I don't know to what extend or if Americans use it)!
@@hoovysimulator2518
Aware of that, but also prefer to poke fun at my own countrymen.
Divinity knows we sorely need it.
This is quite the reversal with Germany and Japan being the last countrirs to officially use fax
In the nordics, it usually goes a Dane, a Swede and a Norwegian, and i have one that again will have the nationalities easily swapped:
A Dane, a Swede and a Norwegian rob a bank together. They quickly get caught, and to make an example of the criminals, they each get sentenced to 25 years in solitary confinement, though they get to bring whatever they want with them, to pass the time. The Dane says "I want unlimited booze, that way I can get drunk all day and those 25 years will be gone in no time!"
His wish is granted, and he gets locked away. The Swede then says "I want to bring my wife, so I will have the love of my life to keep me company!"
Him and his wife are then locked away. The Norwegian then says "I want unlimited cigarettes, so I can sit and puff away all day and those 25 years will be gone in no time!"
He gets all the cigarettes he wants, and is locked securely away. Time passes, the world goes on as it usually does and eventually the 25 years are up. The guards come to release the prisoners, but as they open the Dane's cell, there is an overwhelming stench of vomit and rotting corpse, as the Dane had drank himself to death. They open the Swede's cell, only to find the Swede and his wife both dead, as they had gotten so sick of being together all the time, they had strangled each other. They finally open the Norwegian's cell, not to find a corpse, but a skinny and pale Norwegian shuffling out of the cell saying "have any of you got a fucking lighter?"
i knew this one (with a carioca with beer, a mineiro with cheesebread and a paulista with the cigarettes) and, as a smoker myself, i find it a fucking nightmare 😂😂😂😂
Paddy-Irishman Paddy-Englishman and Paddy-Chinaman are in a military base in the jungle.
Their commanding officer tells them that he wants supplies in the crates at the base.
Paddy Irishman and Paddy Englishman work together (for once) collecting jungle fruits and loading them into the crates. After a number of hours have gone by their CO returns and asks where Paddy-Chinaman is.
He bursts out of one of the crates and yells "Supplies!"
They even used that joke on a TV advert for some phone company in UK. The helicopter dropped a big box on an arctic base. It opened up to reveal a large clown that burst out. The radio operator looked at his last message "send supplies".
a klingon, a romulan, and a vulcan walk into a bar. what do you do?
for heavens sake, buy that man a beer. mark lenard is a hell of an actor!
live long and prosper!
“So paddy Irish man throws paddy English man out of the plane”, had me burst out laughing 😂
*plane 🛩 ✈ 🛬 ?
@@Tao_7891 cleverer than them plain paddies for sure... 😏
@@orderofmagnitude-TPATP yes yes 🙈😂 I was still laughing at the joke
I know the same joke with Germany, Russia and Poland. 😅
When I was a kid it was a "Texan" throwing a Mexican out shouting "Remember the Alamo!"
A Jewish man went to see his rabbi. "Rabbi you won't believe what happened. My son has converted to Christianity! What do I do?"
The rabbi said "You won't believe this, but MY son converted to Christianity too!" So the man says "This is terrible! What should we do rabbi?" and the rabbi says "I think we should pray." So they both pray to God, and God replies:
"You guys won't believe what happened to ME!"
Hahaha
LMAOOOO!!
This one is a local joke, but it makes the locals look bad.
Things you need to know: In Michigan, US there is a deposit on many beverage bottles and cans. In the metro Detroit area, many Canadians cross the boarder to work, shop, and visit relatives. We also love several brands of (soda) pop that started in Michigan. Also our ginger ale brand, Vernor's, has extra carbonation.
A Texan, a Canadian, and a Michigander were riding a horse trail together. They stopped and all got out the refreshment they brought with them. The Texan got out a beer, drank it down, threw the bottle in the air and shot it. "In Texas we make the best beer, it's all over the place, and the bottle aren't worth anything."
The Canadian got out a bottle of wine, drank it down, threw the bottle in the air and shoot it. "In my province, we make the best wine, it's all over the place, and the bottle aren't worth anything."
The Michigander got out a can of Vernor's root beer, opened it and drank it down burping along the way, he took out a gun and shot the Canadian. "In Michigan in make the best ginger ale, Canadians are all over the place, but the cans are worth 10 cents!"
(my apologies to the Canadians reading this.)
A scotsman, a welshman, and an englisman walk into a bar. The bartender has a good laugh.
Though we have a few that are based on the people around the pacific, most of the time we just borrow the English/Irish/Scots for some reason. Anyway here's one of my favourites.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are stranded in the desert trying to walk their way back to civilization. Suddenly they encounter a great spirit of the desert - who approaches them as a talking snake. After overcoming their disbelief, they are offered a boon by the desert spirit - one item each that they can carry to help their ordeal in escaping the desert alive. The Englishman wishes for a backpack full of food and with a rattle of the snake's tail it is granted. The Scotsman requests a backpack full of bottled water and again it appears with a rattling of the snake's tail. The Irishman wishes for a car door. With their wishes granted the spirit disappears into the haze of the sands and the men continue in silence for a time.
Eventually after watching the Irishman lugging around his car door for a time, the Scotsman can hold his tongue no more. "What in the bloody 'ell did you get a car door for?". The Irisman replies, "So when it gets hot I can wind the window down."
Aah, I've heard a variation of that where the butt of the joke is a Belgian, but usually he's the only character.
Another example: why does a Belgian always carry a knife while driving? So he can take a shortcut (the pun works a little better in Dutch because we more literally say "in order to cut a piece off")
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all walk into a bar. "Ow!" they all shout, rubbing their foreheads.
In the Swedish versions, the “smart” one is called Bellman, who may refer to the historic person from the 17th century, know for his songs and also head of the state lottery.
So a story may go like this:
A Dane, a Norwegian and Bellman wanted to see who could stay longest in the goat house.
First tried the Dane, coming out almost instantly saying “I can’t stand the smell!”.
Next the Norwegian who managed to stay for a minute before rushing out in terror.
Finally, Bellman went into the goat house and a minute later the goat came out crying “What a stench!”.
With the sir lancelot remark, Lancelot actually was both of those. He was arthur's most trust companion, which us why arthur felt so betrayed after he slept with his wife
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a sports bar and got knocked out. You'd think at least one of them should've seen it.
Said the guy from...Poland
Pretty sad I first heard this type of joke in Hetalia. The joke goes:
A German, a Japanese, and an Italian eat at a restaurant together. When it came to paying the bill, the German tries to figure out how to split it, the Japanese is seeing if he has enough to pay for it, and the Italian is trying to find the nearest exit.
Hmm, I think I understand who's the hero.
Hmm, I think I understand who's the hero.
Hmm, I think I understand who's the hero.
Hmm, I think I understand who's the hero.
Hmm, I think I understand who's the hero.
An Englishman, an American, and a Pole find themselves hiking through the Sahara Desert. As dawn approaches, the American says,
"The sun will be up soon, we're gonna have to figure out how to survive until we can reach an oasis or something."
To which the Englishman replies, "quite so! Thankfully I've got this umbrella to shade us from the sun. What is that bundle under your arm, old boy?"
"Oh this? It's a watermelon. We can eat it when we get thirsty."
"Bloody brilliant!" the Englishman says without sarcasm.
A moment later, the Pole, who is breathing somewhat heavily, notices the other two staring at him.
"Is car door, for roll down window when we feel hot."
In Sweden, the third man isn't named by nationality, but it simply named “Bellman”. I'm assuming it's after the only famous Bellman we have, which is an 18th century troubadour and entertainer, but I don't know why he became the butt of jokes. He's really big and respected in Sweden otherwise.
A Canadian, a Yank and a Mexican are deserted on the island and are captured by the local tribe. The tribe tells them that they will be killed and eaten and their bones would be used to build canoes, however the tribe would do them the honor of letting them choose their death.
The Mexican chooses beheading. The Yank chooses hanging. The Canadian chooses to have all their bones broken. Confused, the tribe asks why, to which the Canadian simply says “Sorry about your canoes.”
A classic.
I remember it being they'd be given
the means to kill themselves...
to be eaten & skins used for canoes.
1st man... "a gentle poison"
2nd man... "nonstop sex with all the
women of the tribe, so I'll die happily
from exhaustion"
3d man... "a fork ! . . Yes a fork ! !
F--- you & your canoes ! ! ! "
I’ve heard a variant where there’s a shorter preamble- just 3 captives. The first bloke asks for a local delicacy to eat. Second bloke asks for a local intoxicant to partake of. The last bloke asks for a fork and when he gets it, stabs himself all over crying ‘You’re not going to make a canoe out of me!’
1:19 i love how Prawo Jazdy just represents all us Poles now
He is our national hero. Fuck the eagle, get Prawo on our flag
Drivers license?
@@afterhours1337 yeag
Tak
@@afterhours1337 ruclips.net/video/8eRH3B7JatA/видео.htmlsi=QOjHS2DiqQ4gAibk
We have our own version of the rainbow story.
3 guys come across a magical stone in the mountains. It is said that you will turn into the last thing you say immediately before you touch the stone. The first guy walks up, says "Superman" then touches the stone. He then turns into Superman and flies off. The second guy walks up, says "Spiderman" then touches the stone. He then turns into Spiderman and swings away. The last guy walks up, gets tripped up by a tree root and exclaims "Babi!" which is a swear word, but literally means "pig", then accidentally touches the stone.
As an English man I find these jokes hilarious, I even remember some of theses from my childhood. thanks for sharing!
I remember also a physicist version of it:
There's three brainy dudes that are about to play hide-and-seek:
Einstein,
Pascal,
And Newton
While Pascal goes hiding somewhere,
Newton sit cross-legged on the ground.
When Einstein eventually count to ten, he turn around and shout "found Newton"
But he replied "wrong, you found Pascal, one Newton per square meter"
It's a good thing Heisenberg wasn't playing, he'd just have to tell them exactly how fast he's going.
Here’s one from my high school English teacher. He was working as a roofer one summer with an Okie, when the two of them became stranded on a barn when a strong wind blew the ladder over. After walking around a short while looking for a way down he heard the Okie yell Geronimo, and when he turned around the Okie was gone. After frantically rushing to the other side of the roof where he last saw the Okie, he found him on the ground freeing himself from a big black mound. My teacher yelled at the Okie, “what did you land in?” The Okie yelled back, “ a knee high manure pile.” My teacher took a second to compose himself, then leaped into an armpit deep pile of doo doo. My teacher yelled at the Okie, “ I thought you said it was knee deep!” The Okie then yelled back, “ how was I supposed to know you would jump feet first?”
If you think, that ending was too unfair of the Okie here’s an alternate ending.
Okie, “Why did you jump, I would have brought the ladder over to you?”
Ifn so... he'd would have become a...Ladder~day~saint
What the hell is an 'Okie'?
@@daemonburns-waight2421" Oklahoma"...Okie Dokie...??
In Sweden this stories often are called Bellman stories after a famous 18th century bard, Carl Michael Bellman. He was a bit of a scoundrel and liked to drink and flirt with women.
So the stories always starts with: “It was a Dane, a Norwegian and Bellman that …”
For an example:
It was a Dane, a Norwegian and Bellman that betted who could stay the longest in the pig sty. The Dane went in first but just after a short while he came out, green in his face and moaned: “The pig farted!”
Next the Norwegian went in and he stayed just a bit longer until he too, green in the face came out and groaning said: “The pig farted!”
Now it was Bellman’s turn to go in. He stayed a fair bit of time until the pig came out and said: “Bellman farted!”
Cheers!
As an “Englishman”, it’s nice to see a little reversal (the leprechaun joke was new to me) and, let’s face it, the southern Irish accent is much better for telling jokes than an English accent (Dave Allen for example). But just for a little national pride; an Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are sentenced to 10 years in a dark cave but are allowed to take something to help them stay sane during their confinement. The Englishman asks for beer to tide him over. The Scotsman asks for whiskey to tide him over and the Irishman wants cigarettes. After 10 years they’re let out. The Englishman and Scotsman are blind drunk but content. The Irishman totters out and says, “Does anyone have a light?”
A frenchman, an egyptian and a brazilian are aboard a plane. After a while, the frenchman puts his hand out the window, and exclaims "We just flew over Paris, I touched the tip of the Eiffel Tower.". After a few more hours, the egyptian puts his hand out the window, and exclaims "We just flew over Giza, I touchted the tip of the great pyramids." A few more hours pass, and the brazilian puts his hand out the window, "We just flew over Rio.", he exclaims. "Because you touched Christ the Redeemer?", the others ask. "No, because my watch got stolen."
the joke sums up the relationships perfectly, as wales is always forgotten 😂
I (Korean) have heard this one! (5:53)
There's a plane. It's crashing. They need to get some people off the plane. Nobody wants to do it.
"Do it for honour," the pilot says. The Englishman jumps off.
"For freedom," the pilot says. The American jumps off.
"It's the law," the pilot says. The German jumps off.
"I'm not doing it so don't waste your breath," the Frenchman says. "I knew you wouldn't do it," the pilot says. The Frenchman jumps off.
It ends the same when the pilot tells the Korean to do it for Korean independence so he throws the Japanese guy off.
I vaguely remember a version where the Frenchman throws himself off because 'death is art too' and the Japanese guy offs himself with a katana or something but I don't remember the punchline.
Here's a meaner one targeting the Chinese. For the record the Korean trio is always Chinese, Japanese, Korean instead of Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.
There CJK trio takes a bet on how long they can stay in a pig's pen. The impatient Korean comes out first. The Japanese gives up next immediately after seeing him do it. The pig comes out next because it doesn't want to be stuck alone with the Chinese man.
Here's one targeting Americans.
Price for brain matter:
Japanese engineer: 50 dollars per 100g
British nobleman: 60 dollars per 100g
Unemployed American: 110 dollars per 100g
"Why is the American most expensive?"
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to collect this much American brain matter?"
In Norway its about The Norwegian the dane and the swede
The Nordmann, Danske, and the Svenske where betting who could swim over Skagerak, from norway to denmark. The dane swam 200 meters before he got to tired and turned around. The Norwegian managed to swim for a few kilometers before he got to tired and had to turn around. The swede jumped in and swam half way over to denmark before he gave up and turned around.
An italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were shipwrecked on a tropical island and got captured by a cannibal tribe.
The three men are brought before the chief. The cheif said, "We will kill you and make your skin into our canoes. What are your last wishes"
The Englishman asked for a knife and stabbed himself.
The Frenchman also asked for a knife and promptly killed himself in the same fashion.
When the chief asked the Italian man what his last wish was, he asked for a fork. Confused, they gave him a fork and watched in disbelief as the Italian man stabbed all over himself with the fork saying "You're not making a fucking canoe out of me"
The whipping joke is gold
Haha I even knew he was gonna say the englishmen before it came, yet I laughed af :D
@@Bawamba yea, the punchline is essentially confirmation. No subversion. Not quite obvious enough to be omitted, just... Comforting in being predictable.
My name is Patricia when I was young, my brother Michael and I would visit with some of the elderly folks in the neighborhood. They would ask us our names and we would say Pat and Mike then they would burst out laughing. It was only when I got older that I realized that that was the beginning of a lot of jokes. "There were these two dumb irishmen, Pat and Mike... "
I've heard the cat, dog, and potato one before, but instead of nationalities, it was branches of the US military with the Marine as the one to shout "potato!" Marines are regularly jokingly portrayed as stupid brutes, with the Air Force ("Chair Force") portrayed as overly pampered, and the Navy as gay.
Here's a list of variations of the joke from around the world, taken from Wikipedia and edited to not make your eyes bleed:
Canada - "An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Newfie..." (the last being a pejorative term for someone from Newfoundland)
Turkey - "An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Temel..." (the last being a fictional character from the Black Sea region)
China - "A Chinese, an American and a Japanese..."
Poland - "A Pole, a German and a Russian..."
Czech Republic - "A Czech, an American and a Russian..."
Russia - "An American, a Russian and a German..." and many other variants
Scandinavia - "A Swede, a Dane and a Norwegian..."
Sweden - the Bellman joke has this format: "a Russian, a German and Bellman...", where Bellman was originally a real person, Carl Michael Bellman)
Finland - "A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian (or Dane)..."
Spain - "a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Spaniard..." sometimes other national stereotypes are used: womanizing Italians, punctual Germans and so on. Sometimes nationals in specific professions are substituted: the Spanish Guardia Civil contrasted to the Italian carabinieri, French gendarmerie and English bobbies
alternatively, Spanish regional identities may be substituted: funny Andalusians, mean Catalans, redneck Basques, Galicians or Aragonese, cocky Madridians and so on. In contrast, the neighbouring Portuguese are seldom mentioned
Italy - "A Frenchman, a German (or an Englishman) and an Italian..." where normally the other foreigners are portrayed as slow or stupid and the Italian as smarter or winning by cheating
Portugal - "a Portuguese man, a Frenchman and an Englishman..."
Germany - Varying nationalities, but most commonly "a German, an Austrian and a Swiss..."
Greece - many variants, with stereotypical nationals (such as "a Greek, a Frenchman, and a German...") and regional variations (such as "a Cretan, a Cypriot, and a Pontian..."). Here, Pontians are always the punchline of the joke, being portrayed as stupid.
India - "a Sardarji, a Bihari and a Bengali..."
Ex-Yugoslavia - any variation on its many nationalities can take part (e.g. "a Croat, a Serb and a Bosnian..." or "a Montenegrin, a Macedonian, and a Slovenian..."
New Zealand - “an Englishman, an Irishman and a Māori man ...”, though sometimes the Irishman is replaced with a Chinese man depending on the context of the joke. The Maori man is usually the butt of the joke.
Bulgaria - "an American/Englishman, a Frenchman and a Bulgarian/Bay Ganyo...", though various other national stereotypes can be employed as well
Brazil - "A Brazilian, an Argentinian/Portuguese and an American/Englishman/Frenchman..."
Iran - "An Iranian, a Turk and an Arab..."
Chile - "a Chilean, a Peruvian and an Argentinian/Bolivian", with the Peruvian being the butt of the joke.
Malta (my country) - "An Italian, a Maltese and an Englishman..."
There's also the American "A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead".
In the U.S., I’ve heard a lot white man/Black man/Mexican man, and Catholic man/Protestant man/Jewish man, with the butt of the joke changing around. Most times I heard another nationality included as the butt, it was Polish
The term "Newfie" is definitely not considered a pejorative term.
Source - My Dad is a Newfie.
New Zealander here. In the 70s and 80s Māori were often the butt of the 'trio' jokes but, it's been many years since l heard a racist joke like that. Not sure if it's because we're less racist than we were or because l have better friends. Hopefully both. We do still make jokes where our cuzzies (Australians) are the butt of the joke but, that's more like sibling rivalry and they give as good as they get. 😊
Back in the 80s there were a series of books titled "Truly tasteless jokes." Each one taking shots at different races, countries etc. Lighthearted, but funny as hell
We had one of those floating around, it was the Polish version.
In Brazil, it's a brazillian, an american and an argentinian.
I've heard the whipping one before, but the brazillian asks for 1000 more whippings before strapping the argentinian to his back.
I remember my dad telling me a version of the airplane joke, but the roles were swapped
"An argentine, a chinese, an hindu and an italian are all in a plane that is going down, the italian says "im doing this for the glory of my country" and he jumps off and dies, the hindu says "im doing this for the glory of my country" and he jumps off and dies, the argentine says "im doing this for the glory of my country" and he pushes off the chinese and he dies"
Im from argentina if you didnt guess already
An Englishman, A Scotsman and An Irishman are all sentenced to a decade in prison, and are allowed to take 10 years worth of one thing with them. The Scotsman takes 10 years worth of Scotch, and when he leaves he says 'Well that was easy, i just got pissed every night'. Next the Englishman asks for 10 years worth of ale, and when he gets out, asks 'so when can i go back? That was easy'. Finally, the irishman asks for a decades worth of cigarettes, and when he is released, he asks 'anyone got a lighter?'
Over here in Sweden, it is usually about the Norwegian, the German and Bellman. Bellman was something of a jester, entertaining the royal court way back when and often told funny stories like this with himself or the Norwegian being the butt of the joke while the German mostly was the sort-off straight man in the story. (Norwegians and Swedes have been telling funny stories about how the people of the other country are idiots for decades, which is most likely why the Norwegian is part of the story and sometimes takes the fall)
Any way, the best of these stories I have heard is this one:
A Norwegian, a German and Bellman was walking home from the pub one late night, when they reached a bridge they needed to cross to get home. However, this time it was guarded by a knight black armour. The knight refused the men passage, unless they brought him a pair of a fruit, vegetable or berry. So of they went to find a pair each. First to come back was the German. He had found a pair of blueberries, which the knight accepted, showed up the Germans ass and then he let the German cross. Next it was Bellman. He had found himself a pair of potatoes. The knight accepted the potatoes, showed them up Bellman's ass and the granted him passage. But just after Bellman got the potatoes showed up his behind, he burst out laughing like mad. The German, still a bit shaken by having someone show berries up his ass, got frustrated.
-Why are you laughing? Did you actually enjoy having potatoes showed up your ass??
Bellman answered, still laughing like a madman:
-No, but look! There comes the Norwegian with a pair of watermelons!
Well, I hope you enjoyed it :)
good one :D
for realism you could swap the water melons with pumpkins ^^
Was it the Rine River...??
I thought the joke would be that bellman brought the Norwegian as a "vegetable". Would have made the joke a whole lot different
@@stoopidapples1596 Christ xD
Change for two truck drivers, and the road cop punishing for not having documents
Missed an opportunity for the Englishman on the rainbow to yell, "The other guys' gold and silver!"