Hey Jake. I'm so proud of you for meeting up with a stranger and sharing your feelings with your friend. Those are scary things to do even for a person without AvPD, and doing something for the first time is always extra difficult. Also, I can't overstate the value of these videos. Even when it might feel to you like you're just talking about nothing, you're making the rest of us feel less alone, and that's huge. I'm glad you're here ❤️
Hey, I don’t know if you’ll ever see this comment but I’ve been watching your videos for a little while, just over a year, and I finally got the courage to tell my therapist about my worries of having AvPD and now I’m going to get tested for it. Thanks to you, I finally got the courage to tell somebody of the symptoms I experience and I wasn’t judged or humiliated, as I thought I would be. Thank you for making these videos, I appreciate it a lot.
Also one good thing from having social anxiety flare up in stressful situations is that during the hearing you will display your symptoms clearly and you won't be abused of faking😅
Thanks for posting this, and for speaking so valiantly about all the things that have been happening for you - whether momentous or otherwise. I'm sad to hear though that you've been in some dark places recently, and for what it's worth I am glad you exist exactly as you are. Your voice is a valuable one, and it's already made a difference for me and I'm sure others as well. I honestly find so much to admire both in how you live your life and also the thoughtfulness with which you reflect on your circumstances. And by the way, when I had the privilege of hearing you talk one time in the dreaded 'real-time' mode, you were authentic, well-spoken and meaningful just as yourself. I don't think anyone can hope to be more than that, even though our brains might try to force unfair comparisons on us. All the best of luck with your two new connections, both show tremendous strength of character on your part. You have so many interesting things about you already for someone so young, I imagine they will truly appreciate you for you! 💜
Hi Jake! First time commenting on a video ever, lol. I'm a fellow avpd person and I bought and read your book a while ago. I just wanted to say that I'm so thankful you wrote it, so that people like us have something to relate to. It felt so nice to hear someone else talking about these feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. There are far too few people talking about this disorder and I think you're great for doing it. Truly. Also, about this video, I really feel for you. I've also been doing worse the past few weeks and I don't know why. I hope everything concerning your disability aid goes well and that you feel better soon.
Thank you Elin ☺ I really appreciate the kind words. It is hard to find the reason it feels worse sometimes. I guess it's probably just our brains getting tired of being lonely and talking to themselves. I hope you are feeling better soon as well ❤
Thanks Jake. You describe yours and the AVPD experience so sincerely, it's very powerful. I'm sorry you struggle with yourself, you seem like a really good man to me.
It's good to hear from you! Good luck with the court stuff, and I have to commend you for having the courage to express your feelings to a friend. That's wonderful! ❤
My heart just breaks into 1,000 pieces when I hear you talking about the struggle of the hangout, going well but you were too anxious to remotely enjoy it. 😥 I just want to give you the biggest hug, but I know you don't like hugs, so sending sending something virtual and comparable to a hug. I hope with more hangouts your anxiety becomes more desensitized. I imagine after 8 years it would be incredibly high. Congratulations on getting out there! 🎉
I'm happy you showed up Jake! Don't be so critical of yourself battling this nasty avpd.It's hard and despite that you're doing something. That's ENOUGH. And maybe your meds aren't working properly? You're a very brave guy anyways!❤❤❤
Hi Jake, thank you for sharing! I also tried to design a board game, since I’m really into them. Focusing on this things is very helpful, you can find happiness in this small things and sometimes that’s enough. I have the luck to be able to play games with friends and you could try yourself to search for people, maybe online, to play games with. I find that when you start playing, all the negative thoughts go away and I can focus on having fun. That being said, I’m really sorry you are going through this difficult moment, but you are on the good track. You could try to share your Music with us, I’m sure you would get a lot of positive feedback ❤️
Thank you ❤ I have a really hard time sharing creative stuff especially if I don't feel confident it's 'good enough' (and my standards for that are a bit unreasonable). I'll try to get better about that :)
you sharing your struggles also helps other people who suffer like me. I can feel your pain and almost cried at the video just because its so relateable to me.. please keep going. i think you are much stronger then you realize. its great that you make board games, hobbies and passions keep the fire burning. All the best!
i always like to hear from you💛. And i'm glad you were able to create this safe space for you, were you can share some difficult stuff. Try not to get so attached to this idea that "you will never get better than this". Sometimes we get stuck and dont show a lot of progress, but that is a part of the process to.
I had to come back after mulling over things you said. Ive struggled with disabilty. Been denied a few times without a lawyer. I have to re-apply but a social worker told me of all the disorders I have it's my agoraphobia will make me elgible. I find it cruel of people to judge that dont understand or know compassion and thats sad. The struggle to financially support ourselves and not know what to do in our situation sucks. I agree, it makes my chronic depression worse abd everyday I beg God to take me because I've tried schooling and my anxiety takes over and it's crippling and scary. I don't just have AvPD , but c-PTSD, OCD (intrusive thoughts), Chronic Depression, and SAD that has led to agoraphobia, 3 years now. Anyway, you aren't alone many of us get it. Moreover, the gameboard building sounds fun and Im glad you have that outlet😊. I made a Harry Potter and a Wolf Blood Monopoly Game for my kids when they were younger. I love boardgames but no one to play with unfortunately. Good luck with your gaming project.
You are showing a lot of courage, more than you think. I spend far too much time on my own, it's not good, you are trying, keep going, don't underestimate yourself.
Thanks for sharing this video. I deal with a lot of this myself and know that it's hard to be social. I have a job, as a busdriver, and it's devastating for me. When I get home after work I'm exhausted and need to lock the door and switch off the light and try just to focus on myself. After a while I feel a little better but still very sensitive. I need to work because I need money. Otherwise I feel like staying inside at home for several months, not seeing anyone but the family. You're giving a lot of support to me and several others by making the videos and talk about yourself. I tried to play online with a few people I considered good but after a while I dropped out. Just being insecure and feeling bad about myself saying even the little comments made me feel like I shouldn't. I don't like my voice or acting in front of anyone so it's easier to play my game on my own. I also struggle every day with suicidal thoughts. Keep fighting. You seem to be a very good person. Again, thanks for sharing.
Stumbled upon your channel again and just wanted to say that this video IS a show of change. You are not giving up on being open and sharing, online interaction counts!
I enjoy your channel, found it after getting my first PD diagnosis a few months ago and went exploring. Your game sounds great, i hope you're able to put it out ( or even just instructions to make it, privately to your subscribers or subreddit meet ups, maybe - which) One of my fondest memories was playing a homemade board game at a friend's house as a teen. I relate to your meetup topic. Today, I told my wife, "I think I'm going to try to make friends. Real friends... One first, then two - probably not more than that. - I have people on mind. (And my PD is not Av, but I do prefer just being in a formal setting observing or with immediate family). Interesting stuff. The more I listen to you talk I wonder if I'm ticking more of those Soc Anx/ Av boxes. Keep wrecking your train, as long as you "take in this good" from posting it. Love you like a stranger, man. I validate your real feelings but, none of this came off as anything embarrassing - I suppose that's what makes it suck, the assumptions in your head. We believe we know what others will judge. Gotta pretend I'm really gonna try to make those friends i mentioned. You are braver than most people, by far - just the park walk, let alone posting everything. Get that cheddar, that's the insecurity telling you that you don't deserve it or need it. You're struggling, it's who it's for - best of luck. You can always cease it if move on. You are exactly who it's for. Thank you.
I'm glad to hear an update, Jake! (& to see familiar names in the comment section! Hi everyone) I am saddened to hear that you're actively experiencing s. ideation. I'm glad you have the strength to cope through those horrible nights. You're ultimately bigger than any of these struggles if you are able to express yourself & even share that moment with others. I hope you get the support you need. I want to echo what other people are saying- I'd love to read more of what you write or anything random you'd like to share! (I'm upset when you call yourself boring or annoying! It's not true! The endeavors & projects you reference seem thoughtfully intricate & cool!) I feel inspired by your pusuit of new ways to put yourself out there. Even if it doesn't grant you with what you're seeking, it does seem to inform your preferences & ideas of where to go next. I hope you can find viable ways to connect with people in-person, & genuinely enjoy it! Maybe the walk with the stranger wasn't it, but there's got to be a different setting or person will click! I relate to what you said about preferring long-form letters or emails/messages to connect! It feels like there is room for every intention & the format gives breathing room to show up comfortably & more fully. I have formed fond memories with my pen pal, who's an artist. We recommend songs, share slices of our lives, and ramble on about whatever. Oftentimes, letter writing becomes a springboard for creating random little crafts or doodles to send too! (The ending anecdote was so sweet! Catching feelings is great fun!)
As someone who also has AvPD, I would like to share some thoughts on "talk-anxiety", the way it has manifested in myself, and how I've dealt with it: I would always beat myself up for "not having anything to say". But with time I've come to understand that it's not that I don't have anything to say, but those things that I'm actually thinking and feeling - I'm too ASHAMED to talk about. I was worried I would come off as "not normal". So instead I would try to think of something shallow and frivolous I could say that I thought "normal people would relate to each other about", so as to not offend anybody. But with time I've truly come to learn that no one is perfect. Every one is weird. You are probably way more "normal" than you think, and that includes your thoughts and feelings (which ARE valid btw, and people DO find them interesting). You are very brave, Jake! And I hope you don't feel like these videos are a waste of any ones time, because they are invaluable (to AvPD sufferers and society as a whole)!
Hi Jake. It’s good to hear from you. I have a suggestion. Have you considered adding a membership option to your RUclips channel? I would be happy to join. You could feel more free to post a variety of videos and know that your viewers would be supportive. Cooking, playing music, game design … just hanging out in a livestream … I would be into that and I’m guessing others, like us, who struggle to feel like “normal” members of society, would as well.
I have thought about posting other sorts of videos. A combination of self-consciousness about actually *doing* something in a video (lol) and not wanting to post stuff people might find irrelevant has stopped me so far. Maybe sometime! I really appreciate your suggestion and support about memberships, but I don't really feel right about monetizing this channel. Telling people they could buy my book already makes me feel a bit weird haha
Hey Jake! It's really great to see another video from you. It's awesome that you took such a big step outside your comfort zone, even if it led to some very bad spiralling. I'm so sorry to hear that you have dealt with suicidal thoughts again recently, I know how deeply painful all of this is. Sending you a big virtual hug. It hurts me to know there are others who feel about themselves and their lives the same way I feel. Because I don't want anyone to go through what I have gone through and am going through. It might not always feel like it, but your videos and you being vulnerable really does help so many people to feel less alone and more understood. I know it helps me and I relate to so much of what you shared. I would really like to send you an email, but I can't find your email address on YT. Hope to hear from you soon 🙂
Hi Xandri! Thank you for the kind words, friend :) I know you relate and I hate that, no one should have to deal with this. Hugs. Sorry you couldn't find my email, YT has made it harder to find recently 🙄 you can reach me at jakeavpd@gmail.com! Cheers :)
I think I have AvPD like you do, but I don't have the ability to get diagnosed or get a therapist. You're way ahead of me in that sense. I have a job and health insurance, but the thought of actually talking about any of this with anyone is repulsive. Like, "I'd rather end it" kind of repulsive. The fact that you're talking about it with random internet strangers is legitimately heroic. Just know that you're not alone. I obviously don't have any solutions for you, and we'll likely never talk because, well you know, but I hope it helps that you're not alone.
@@asetto15 I'm sorry I wasn't more clear. I appreciate you sharing your experience and kind words. I just use cheers to mean like "thanks" as well as "ditto" in that I feel similarly, that it is good to know we are not alone, while also not necessarily thinking we'll end up getting to talk to other other much or being able to offer solutions. I hope that makes more sense.
Hi Jake, great video thanks for posting. Do you think your parents had anything to do with you developing AvPD? I found my symptoms improved a little bit once I moved out of home. I wish you the best of luck with your disability payments.
@@JakeAvPD That's great that moving out has helped you a bit as well. I checked out your house tour video, your place looks really comfortable. I also watched your video where you talked about your parents. It was really interesting to see how their parenting styles and behaviours contributed to your AvPD. I look forward to your next video.
I just wanted to tell you about a book I borrowed from the library I am currently reading (don't let the title put you off - haha). 'Reinventing Your Life' authors Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko. It involves answering some questions with scores from the perspective of you as a child and you as an adult which allows for identifying which lifetraps (schemas), then the book goes into how to work through our individual lifetraps. I am only part way through but find it really helpful in helping myself. Have you played Wingspan before? It's my favourite boardgame/online game. Btw If I lived in your neck of the woods (I live in Australia), I'd definitely be keen to catch up with you in person. Be kind to yourself Jake.
Thank you Lisa :) I'll check that book out. I haven't played Wingspan, but after reading a bit about it, I would like to! Thank you for the recommendations and the kind words. Best wishes :)
you might be able to use your interest in board games to open up social things- esp since you play them in person. id bet you are good at, or will become good at designing games with some more time. social settings where you are focused on board games will be easier for you because you will know people like and respect you because of it. i have done this with music. i dont know that much about you but i figured id suggest it because it can be a powerful tool. maybe there is a board game tournament- that might feel like less social pressure because your not technically there to "hang out"
I think your heart is tired of being alone. Your brain does not care to much about this. But this is the main problem for highly intelligent people with such a severe "dis-order" -->which is a kind of order, but anyway...the brain simply tries to give you "feelings" and "answers" only the heart can give you. Self-compassion is key. Before you can allow anyone else into your life, emotionally, you need to be appeciative of yourself. Until then the brain will keep trying to tell you, how weird you supposedly are. The brain is like a jealous friend. It wants to have you all for itself and as soon as the "threat" comes it, it talks you down. Only problem is, the brain cannot love you and we are wired to wanting to connect. You have to main warrions inside of you and they do not talk, they constantly fight.
I completely understand your situation that you're doing something to improve things,but end up feeling worse.I don't know how to solve this riddle. Maybe repeating exposures can help.But of course it's very hard to do it even 1 time.What advice your therapist gave to you? Also maybe this vid m.ruclips.net/video/33pbkJTZvlM/видео.html will be useful.
Thanks for the video recommendation. I found the part about viewing the exposure therapy as a succuss based on your behaviour rather than how you felt during it a helpful reminder. I think that's a good way to look at it, you can't control your feelings but you can control your behaviour. But damn is anxiety an unpleasant feeling haha.
Bro, I can’t find your email… can we talk because I m so frustrated with my condition for so long too n nothing really helps n no one understand our conditions other than us 😢
I have thought about it, I finally have internet good enough that I could do it now. The anxiety has kept me from trying so far but we shall see. Thank you :)
I don't know a lot about religion but don't you think believing in a judgmental God would lead to increased feelings of toxic shame and guilt? I'm probably missing something though. I'm curious as to how you think it would help with AvPD? Personally I've seen an improvement in symptoms after watching videos on the illusion of free will, which is incompatible with most religions.
hey, I'm still around too. Im glad you're around and appreciate you' still making videos. I'm basically in the same boat. Nothings changed. still struggling with my Avpd. I'd like to connect online with you if possible! no pressure, but honestly I have been meaning to reach out to you since the start of ur channel LOL but you already know how that goes. I never did until now, I have discord if you'd like to add me on there. idk just feel like it would be nice to befriend someone who gets me 100 percent.
high fives for still being around!! I'm glad you're here :) I'd like that too! I do talk a lot on email (jakeavpd@gmail.com) but I do also use discord with some AvPD friends who prefer that kinda messaging! My discord is just jakeware. Either way, I look forward to hearing from you :)
Hey Jake. I'm so proud of you for meeting up with a stranger and sharing your feelings with your friend. Those are scary things to do even for a person without AvPD, and doing something for the first time is always extra difficult.
Also, I can't overstate the value of these videos. Even when it might feel to you like you're just talking about nothing, you're making the rest of us feel less alone, and that's huge. I'm glad you're here ❤️
Thanks man ❤It can be hard to get past that feeling but I try 🙂
Hi ya.
@@JakeAvPDCan we get a new video?
Really proud of you Jake. Thank you for sharing ❤️❤️
❤
Hey, I don’t know if you’ll ever see this comment but I’ve been watching your videos for a little while, just over a year, and I finally got the courage to tell my therapist about my worries of having AvPD and now I’m going to get tested for it. Thanks to you, I finally got the courage to tell somebody of the symptoms I experience and I wasn’t judged or humiliated, as I thought I would be. Thank you for making these videos, I appreciate it a lot.
Happy to hear you still try working on your passions. I'm cheering you on, good luck with working on your projects and working on yourself😊
Also one good thing from having social anxiety flare up in stressful situations is that during the hearing you will display your symptoms clearly and you won't be abused of faking😅
Thanks for posting this, and for speaking so valiantly about all the things that have been happening for you - whether momentous or otherwise. I'm sad to hear though that you've been in some dark places recently, and for what it's worth I am glad you exist exactly as you are. Your voice is a valuable one, and it's already made a difference for me and I'm sure others as well. I honestly find so much to admire both in how you live your life and also the thoughtfulness with which you reflect on your circumstances. And by the way, when I had the privilege of hearing you talk one time in the dreaded 'real-time' mode, you were authentic, well-spoken and meaningful just as yourself. I don't think anyone can hope to be more than that, even though our brains might try to force unfair comparisons on us.
All the best of luck with your two new connections, both show tremendous strength of character on your part. You have so many interesting things about you already for someone so young, I imagine they will truly appreciate you for you! 💜
Thanks man ❤
Hi Jake! First time commenting on a video ever, lol. I'm a fellow avpd person and I bought and read your book a while ago. I just wanted to say that I'm so thankful you wrote it, so that people like us have something to relate to. It felt so nice to hear someone else talking about these feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. There are far too few people talking about this disorder and I think you're great for doing it. Truly.
Also, about this video, I really feel for you. I've also been doing worse the past few weeks and I don't know why. I hope everything concerning your disability aid goes well and that you feel better soon.
Thank you Elin ☺ I really appreciate the kind words. It is hard to find the reason it feels worse sometimes. I guess it's probably just our brains getting tired of being lonely and talking to themselves. I hope you are feeling better soon as well ❤
Thanks Jake. You describe yours and the AVPD experience so sincerely, it's very powerful. I'm sorry you struggle with yourself, you seem like a really good man to me.
Thank you Bob, I really appreciate it.
It's good to hear from you! Good luck with the court stuff, and I have to commend you for having the courage to express your feelings to a friend. That's wonderful! ❤
Thanks Eam ❤
My heart just breaks into 1,000 pieces when I hear you talking about the struggle of the hangout, going well but you were too anxious to remotely enjoy it. 😥 I just want to give you the biggest hug, but I know you don't like hugs, so sending sending something virtual and comparable to a hug. I hope with more hangouts your anxiety becomes more desensitized. I imagine after 8 years it would be incredibly high. Congratulations on getting out there! 🎉
Thank you
I'm happy you showed up Jake! Don't be so critical of yourself battling this nasty avpd.It's hard and despite that you're doing something. That's ENOUGH. And maybe your meds aren't working properly? You're a very brave guy anyways!❤❤❤
Thank you so much ❤
Hi Jake, thank you for sharing! I also tried to design a board game, since I’m really into them. Focusing on this things is very helpful, you can find happiness in this small things and sometimes that’s enough. I have the luck to be able to play games with friends and you could try yourself to search for people, maybe online, to play games with. I find that when you start playing, all the negative thoughts go away and I can focus on having fun.
That being said, I’m really sorry you are going through this difficult moment, but you are on the good track. You could try to share your Music with us, I’m sure you would get a lot of positive feedback ❤️
Thank you ❤ I have a really hard time sharing creative stuff especially if I don't feel confident it's 'good enough' (and my standards for that are a bit unreasonable). I'll try to get better about that :)
you sharing your struggles also helps other people who suffer like me. I can feel your pain and almost cried at the video just because its so relateable to me.. please keep going. i think you are much stronger then you realize. its great that you make board games, hobbies and passions keep the fire burning. All the best!
Cheers ☺
i always like to hear from you💛. And i'm glad you were able to create this safe space for you, were you can share some difficult stuff.
Try not to get so attached to this idea that "you will never get better than this". Sometimes we get stuck and dont show a lot of progress, but that is a part of the process to.
Thanks Micael
Thank you, Jake. You're not in this alone and your videos help us know that neither are we
🫂
I had to come back after mulling over things you said. Ive struggled with disabilty. Been denied a few times without a lawyer. I have to re-apply but a social worker told me of all the disorders I have it's my agoraphobia will make me elgible. I find it cruel of people to judge that dont understand or know compassion and thats sad. The struggle to financially support ourselves and not know what to do in our situation sucks. I agree, it makes my chronic depression worse abd everyday I beg God to take me because I've tried schooling and my anxiety takes over and it's crippling and scary. I don't just have AvPD , but c-PTSD, OCD (intrusive thoughts), Chronic Depression, and SAD that has led to agoraphobia, 3 years now. Anyway, you aren't alone many of us get it. Moreover, the gameboard building sounds fun and Im glad you have that outlet😊. I made a Harry Potter and a Wolf Blood Monopoly Game for my kids when they were younger. I love boardgames but no one to play with unfortunately. Good luck with your gaming project.
Thank you and I'm really sorry to hear you struggle with much the same. Best of luck with your reapplication, and I hope things turn around for you :)
You are showing a lot of courage, more than you think. I spend far too much time on my own, it's not good, you are trying, keep going, don't underestimate yourself.
Thanks :)
Thanks for sharing this video. I deal with a lot of this myself and know that it's hard to be social. I have a job, as a busdriver, and it's devastating for me. When I get home after work I'm exhausted and need to lock the door and switch off the light and try just to focus on myself. After a while I feel a little better but still very sensitive. I need to work because I need money. Otherwise I feel like staying inside at home for several months, not seeing anyone but the family. You're giving a lot of support to me and several others by making the videos and talk about yourself. I tried to play online with a few people I considered good but after a while I dropped out. Just being insecure and feeling bad about myself saying even the little comments made me feel like I shouldn't. I don't like my voice or acting in front of anyone so it's easier to play my game on my own. I also struggle every day with suicidal thoughts.
Keep fighting. You seem to be a very good person. Again, thanks for sharing.
Thanks, man. Best wishes to you :)
Hey! You look good and sound clear. Keep going! ❤
Stumbled upon your channel again and just wanted to say that this video IS a show of change. You are not giving up on being open and sharing, online interaction counts!
Thank you :)
I enjoy your channel, found it after getting my first PD diagnosis a few months ago and went exploring.
Your game sounds great, i hope you're able to put it out ( or even just instructions to make it, privately to your subscribers or subreddit meet ups, maybe - which) One of my fondest memories was playing a homemade board game at a friend's house as a teen.
I relate to your meetup topic. Today, I told my wife, "I think I'm going to try to make friends. Real friends... One first, then two - probably not more than that. - I have people on mind. (And my PD is not Av, but I do prefer just being in a formal setting observing or with immediate family). Interesting stuff. The more I listen to you talk I wonder if I'm ticking more of those Soc Anx/ Av boxes.
Keep wrecking your train, as long as you "take in this good" from posting it. Love you like a stranger, man. I validate your real feelings but, none of this came off as anything embarrassing - I suppose that's what makes it suck, the assumptions in your head. We believe we know what others will judge.
Gotta pretend I'm really gonna try to make those friends i mentioned. You are braver than most people, by far - just the park walk, let alone posting everything. Get that cheddar, that's the insecurity telling you that you don't deserve it or need it. You're struggling, it's who it's for - best of luck. You can always cease it if move on. You are exactly who it's for.
Thank you.
Thanks very much for the kind words man :) Best of luck with your friend making as well, it's a tiring journey.
I'm glad to hear an update, Jake! (& to see familiar names in the comment section! Hi everyone)
I am saddened to hear that you're actively experiencing s. ideation. I'm glad you have the strength to cope through those horrible nights. You're ultimately bigger than any of these struggles if you are able to express yourself & even share that moment with others. I hope you get the support you need.
I want to echo what other people are saying- I'd love to read more of what you write or anything random you'd like to share! (I'm upset when you call yourself boring or annoying! It's not true! The endeavors & projects you reference seem thoughtfully intricate & cool!)
I feel inspired by your pusuit of new ways to put yourself out there. Even if it doesn't grant you with what you're seeking, it does seem to inform your preferences & ideas of where to go next. I hope you can find viable ways to connect with people in-person, & genuinely enjoy it! Maybe the walk with the stranger wasn't it, but there's got to be a different setting or person will click!
I relate to what you said about preferring long-form letters or emails/messages to connect! It feels like there is room for every intention & the format gives breathing room to show up comfortably & more fully. I have formed fond memories with my pen pal, who's an artist. We recommend songs, share slices of our lives, and ramble on about whatever. Oftentimes, letter writing becomes a springboard for creating random little crafts or doodles to send too!
(The ending anecdote was so sweet! Catching feelings is great fun!)
Thank you, Allyson! I hope things are going well for you :)
As someone who also has AvPD, I would like to share some thoughts on "talk-anxiety", the way it has manifested in myself, and how I've dealt with it:
I would always beat myself up for "not having anything to say". But with time I've come to understand that it's not that I don't have anything to say, but those things that I'm actually thinking and feeling - I'm too ASHAMED to talk about. I was worried I would come off as "not normal". So instead I would try to think of something shallow and frivolous I could say that I thought "normal people would relate to each other about", so as to not offend anybody. But with time I've truly come to learn that no one is perfect. Every one is weird. You are probably way more "normal" than you think, and that includes your thoughts and feelings (which ARE valid btw, and people DO find them interesting).
You are very brave, Jake! And I hope you don't feel like these videos are a waste of any ones time, because they are invaluable (to AvPD sufferers and society as a whole)!
Thanks man :) Good to hear from you, I hope you're well!
Hi Jake. It’s good to hear from you. I have a suggestion. Have you considered adding a membership option to your RUclips channel? I would be happy to join. You could feel more free to post a variety of videos and know that your viewers would be supportive. Cooking, playing music, game design … just hanging out in a livestream … I would be into that and I’m guessing others, like us, who struggle to feel like “normal” members of society, would as well.
I have thought about posting other sorts of videos. A combination of self-consciousness about actually *doing* something in a video (lol) and not wanting to post stuff people might find irrelevant has stopped me so far. Maybe sometime! I really appreciate your suggestion and support about memberships, but I don't really feel right about monetizing this channel. Telling people they could buy my book already makes me feel a bit weird haha
@@JakeAvPD I understand that feeling.
Hey Jake! It's really great to see another video from you. It's awesome that you took such a big step outside your comfort zone, even if it led to some very bad spiralling. I'm so sorry to hear that you have dealt with suicidal thoughts again recently, I know how deeply painful all of this is. Sending you a big virtual hug.
It hurts me to know there are others who feel about themselves and their lives the same way I feel. Because I don't want anyone to go through what I have gone through and am going through.
It might not always feel like it, but your videos and you being vulnerable really does help so many people to feel less alone and more understood. I know it helps me and I relate to so much of what you shared. I would really like to send you an email, but I can't find your email address on YT.
Hope to hear from you soon 🙂
Hi Xandri! Thank you for the kind words, friend :) I know you relate and I hate that, no one should have to deal with this. Hugs.
Sorry you couldn't find my email, YT has made it harder to find recently 🙄 you can reach me at jakeavpd@gmail.com! Cheers :)
YT is also weird about comments with email addresses in them, so I added it to the description just in case you can't see my earlier reply 😂
I think I have AvPD like you do, but I don't have the ability to get diagnosed or get a therapist. You're way ahead of me in that sense. I have a job and health insurance, but the thought of actually talking about any of this with anyone is repulsive. Like, "I'd rather end it" kind of repulsive. The fact that you're talking about it with random internet strangers is legitimately heroic.
Just know that you're not alone. I obviously don't have any solutions for you, and we'll likely never talk because, well you know, but I hope it helps that you're not alone.
Cheers :)
@@JakeAvPD uh, cheers to you too I guess? Not sure what else to say, and I'm confused by your response.
@@asetto15 I'm sorry I wasn't more clear. I appreciate you sharing your experience and kind words. I just use cheers to mean like "thanks" as well as "ditto" in that I feel similarly, that it is good to know we are not alone, while also not necessarily thinking we'll end up getting to talk to other other much or being able to offer solutions. I hope that makes more sense.
@@JakeAvPD You're good man, thanks 👍
Hi Jake, great video thanks for posting. Do you think your parents had anything to do with you developing AvPD? I found my symptoms improved a little bit once I moved out of home. I wish you the best of luck with your disability payments.
Thanks :) I do think so, yeah. I have a video about that topic. Moving out has helped me too, though admittedly not quite so much as I hoped for.
@@JakeAvPD That's great that moving out has helped you a bit as well. I checked out your house tour video, your place looks really comfortable. I also watched your video where you talked about your parents. It was really interesting to see how their parenting styles and behaviours contributed to your AvPD. I look forward to your next video.
I just wanted to tell you about a book I borrowed from the library I am currently reading (don't let the title put you off - haha). 'Reinventing Your Life' authors Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko. It involves answering some questions with scores from the perspective of you as a child and you as an adult which allows for identifying which lifetraps (schemas), then the book goes into how to work through our individual lifetraps. I am only part way through but find it really helpful in helping myself.
Have you played Wingspan before? It's my favourite boardgame/online game.
Btw If I lived in your neck of the woods (I live in Australia), I'd definitely be keen to catch up with you in person. Be kind to yourself Jake.
Thank you Lisa :) I'll check that book out. I haven't played Wingspan, but after reading a bit about it, I would like to! Thank you for the recommendations and the kind words. Best wishes :)
you might be able to use your interest in board games to open up social things- esp since you play them in person. id bet you are good at, or will become good at designing games with some more time. social settings where you are focused on board games will be easier for you because you will know people like and respect you because of it. i have done this with music. i dont know that much about you but i figured id suggest it because it can be a powerful tool. maybe there is a board game tournament- that might feel like less social pressure because your not technically there to "hang out"
I think your heart is tired of being alone. Your brain does not care to much about this. But this is the main problem for highly intelligent people with such a severe "dis-order" -->which is a kind of order, but anyway...the brain simply tries to give you "feelings" and "answers" only the heart can give you. Self-compassion is key. Before you can allow anyone else into your life, emotionally, you need to be appeciative of yourself. Until then the brain will keep trying to tell you, how weird you supposedly are. The brain is like a jealous friend. It wants to have you all for itself and as soon as the "threat" comes it, it talks you down. Only problem is, the brain cannot love you and we are wired to wanting to connect. You have to main warrions inside of you and they do not talk, they constantly fight.
My heart is certainly tired 🥲
@@JakeAvPD I feel you, trust me, I feel you!
Can you share some of your games?
Or maybe open source
I will try to share them somewhere, sometime, in some form :)
I completely understand your situation that you're doing something to improve things,but end up feeling worse.I don't know how to solve this riddle. Maybe repeating exposures can help.But of course it's very hard to do it even 1 time.What advice your therapist gave to you? Also maybe this vid m.ruclips.net/video/33pbkJTZvlM/видео.html will be useful.
Thanks for the video recommendation. I found the part about viewing the exposure therapy as a succuss based on your behaviour rather than how you felt during it a helpful reminder. I think that's a good way to look at it, you can't control your feelings but you can control your behaviour. But damn is anxiety an unpleasant feeling haha.
Bro, I can’t find your email… can we talk because I m so frustrated with my condition for so long too n nothing really helps n no one understand our conditions other than us 😢
Sorry about that, RUclips recently made the About section of the channel harder to find. You can get in touch at jakeavpd@gmail.com :)
@@JakeAvPD Thanks bro
can you stream playing games sometime i’d love to stay
I have thought about it, I finally have internet good enough that I could do it now. The anxiety has kept me from trying so far but we shall see. Thank you :)
Hey I just want to say if nothing is changing my brother, try God? If things ain’t getting better, what would you lose?
I don't know a lot about religion but don't you think believing in a judgmental God would lead to increased feelings of toxic shame and guilt? I'm probably missing something though. I'm curious as to how you think it would help with AvPD? Personally I've seen an improvement in symptoms after watching videos on the illusion of free will, which is incompatible with most religions.
this is a bit like saying "women dont want to date you? why not try men"... it doesnt work that way buddy! lol
hey, I'm still around too. Im glad you're around and appreciate you' still making videos. I'm basically in the same boat. Nothings changed. still struggling with my Avpd. I'd like to connect online with you if possible! no pressure, but honestly I have been meaning to reach out to you since the start of ur channel LOL but you already know how that goes. I never did until now, I have discord if you'd like to add me on there.
idk just feel like it would be nice to befriend someone who gets me 100 percent.
Just saw u prefer email. I'll email ya :]
high fives for still being around!! I'm glad you're here :)
I'd like that too! I do talk a lot on email (jakeavpd@gmail.com) but I do also use discord with some AvPD friends who prefer that kinda messaging! My discord is just jakeware. Either way, I look forward to hearing from you :)