fwiw doing new things in a new environment has an uncomfortable feeling for most people except perhaps the most gregarious individuals. It’s a place where people meet who are likely familiar to each other, so connecting with even one person is great. You certainly have good luck with that person being a therapist who can help out. What are the odds?!
Right? That was so lucky, and of course I never would have known if she didn't decide to speak up. It's probably for the best that there are some people who aren't so shy :)
"my awkward presence did actually pay off at one point" lol, amazing. I've felt that way about myself. Whenever I see someone spaced out or frozen out in public, I relate to them. But for whatever reason, when I am experiencing my own "awkwardness", I make huge judgments about myself despite the situation being minor. It's easier to put pressure on myself than others. But I also resonate with the idea of showing up as you are -- no need to place a judgement on yourself or others for how you're doing in that moment! (Unless you're being blatantly inconsiderate!) Awesome to hear you ran into people who helped spread the word about the support group!
Yeah, it actually makes me a lot more comfortable when I see someone else acting a bit "awkward"! And most people are pretty chill with me when I feel like I'm coming across as super weird. It's definitely an internal fear & pressure, which usually has little basis in reality. Thanks Alex :)
Hi Jake, I just found your channel, and watched your first video from a year ago, and then this one. I don't leave comments on yt very often (I have avpd and social anxiety too, so I always worry that what I'm writing doesn't really make sense haha) but I just wanted to thank you for making videos about avpd! Like you said in your first video, it's pretty difficult to find videos about avpd by people that actually have avpd themselves and know what it's like. So I know it can't be easy publishing these videos, but it's awesome that you're doing it, 'cause It's just so nice to hear someone else talking about life with avpd, so you feel less alone and a little less awkward. Oh and your cat is really cute! When it first started meowing at the end of the video I thought it was my cat, and I got so confused because I could hear my cat eating in the other room. But then your cat appeared and it all made sense haha. Lastly, I just wanted to say that it's so cool that you went out and handed out flyers - and amazing that there happened to be a therapist who helped spread the word about the support group!
Hi Nanna! I totally feel your struggle on leaving comments, so I really appreciate that you wrote this :) I'm so glad my videos could offer a bit of solace. Haha, I did the exact same thing when listening to the video back-I kept turning around looking for my cat, then heard her in the litterbox and figured it out right before she appeared on camera. Thanks for the encouragement, it really means a lot :)
Great job on getting the fliers out and making a connection to someone who can really help you with finding group members. I can relate so much to everything you said here. Having to awkwardly stand while you're waiting for someone else to finish doing something. I'm sure you felt like every eye in that coffee shop was staring at you. And what you said about normal people is something I have thought a million times. I'm always fascinated that some people can walk up to anyone and start a conversation. And here's me, afraid to even say HI to someone unless they say it to me first.
It was especially jarring after not going anywhere in public for so long. I didn't feel like I especially weirded anyone out, so that's cool! (though some credit is owed to the sheer quantity of people I interacted with, and for just a few seconds each).
I've described myself as pathetic many times, too, but I want you to know that you're definitely not pathetic. We're faced with real, extreme difficulty in doing things that most people are able to do without thinking twice. It has only gotten harder, never easier, throughout my 25 years of life, and I can only imagine how it feels to you. So try to show yourself forgiveness, and also give yourself credit-recognizing what you're dealing with, and talking about it online, is meaningful and commendable. I could only find my starting point by accepting that my avoidance had made me miss out on a lot of things that I really want to experience. It will take many miniscule steps for me to get where I want to be, and I have to be proud of myself for each one that I accomplish. I can't tell you where to start, except that starting small is the key and every little step towards outwardly being who you want to be is a huge personal milestone. I wish you the best of luck :)
Hi Jake, thank you so much for sharing and taking us all with you on your amazing journey of self discovery - this is all so helpful to others. Well done for all you are doing.
Could you talk about how you deal with loneliness. And something I suffer from is anxiety inducing boredom, just from my life being so repetitive and awful. I dont have this all the time but every few weeks, Ill have a few days where I get really anxious because I cant stand being alone in my room anymore.
I absolutely relate to you on the boredom that's so bad it makes you anxious. It's so tied into the combination of depression and anxiety that it feels impossible to combat. You don't have it in you to do anything, with anyone, but you also can't stand to keep being alone and doing nothing. When that happened to me, I often hung out with my brother (like the only person I wasn't anxious around) and just drove him crazy talking in circles about how anxious and bored and depressed I was. I always wished I could just sleep it off, but I was lucky to get 4 hrs of sleep at night, and I haven't been able to take a nap longer than 20 minutes since I was a child. Sometimes I just sat and cried. The only thing that semi-reliably kept me sane was listening to a very specific RUclipsr's playthrough of a video game series I like. Those games were one of the few things truly enjoyed during those years, but I rarely had it in me to actually play them. This guy's playthroughs and his soft voice just numbed me enough to wait it out, until I felt a bit better for a while (similar timescale to what you describe). I've watched some of his videos hundreds if not thousands of times. I did similar things with certain music albums. It's weird little things like that which got me through. I might make a video about the topic of dealing with loneliness, and some other things your comments have gotten me thinking about. Coping with loneliness is definitely still a work in progress for me. Honestly, I feel more lonely now than I ever have. Most sorts of parasocial interactions on the internet seem to make it worse. Talking to cool people through my channel is super awesome, though. I only wish I could meet some of you in real life :) My long-term plan for dealing with loneliness is to meet new people, and you know how hard that is, but we can do it (eventually)!
Hey Jake! Awesome to see you are making progress with the recruitment and the way you react out in public is so funny to hear, (in a compasionate way ofc). I mostly get red faced, sweaty and clumsy. Going into a store and asking to put something in their window would be so scary to me, even if I wasn't the person doing it, but I think there might be a different culture about flyers here in Denmark. We do have pinboards but not in businesses, and those you are free to post on without having to ask permission. You are looking well, and good luck on the move :). Best Rolf
Thanks Rolf :) I can definitely relate to the clumsiness, I just default to freezing in place until someone snaps me out of it. I hope things are going well for you!
Hello Jake. I think its awesome what you're doing; that kind of awareness needs a voice and it's very brave of you to be the voice of something that a lot struggle with in silence. I haven't been diagnosed with AVPD (severe anxiety and PTSD are my diagnosis) but it's uncanny how much your experiences sound like my experiences and how I see the world. Anyway its great to see you stepping outside of your comfort zone and smiling so much!
Thank you so much for the kind words; it truly means a lot! The diagnosis is really just a label for our shared experiences, and you certainly don't need it to be welcome here :)
Congratulations on getting out ;) um just 2 or 3 things I can offer ;), you have a great smile and it’s great to see. Sstanding there silently can just look mysterious or intellectual, I suppose I just got into a habit of turning a negative self perception, into something positive. I mean if we (including me of course) are gonna decide what others are thinking about us , make it a positive thing ;) Actually I’ve noticed that most guys in general don’t have very expressive faces, we’re mostly pretty deadpan especially in shops or wherever. Oh yeah, and you said it looks so easy and natural for everyone else, on the surface it probably does, a lot are “acting” comfortable, everyone has their “stuff” yeah it’s way harder for us, it’s the minority who are truely completely comfortable and at ease. ❤🤷♂️😊(I’m also someone with APD for context ;)
Hi Jake, Ive watched almost all your videos now. Im undiagnosed but I have many of the symptoms for avpd. Something that I find weird is that while I am very self-critical, I also dislike most people or I am indifferent to them. This makes it even harder for me to make friends because besides all the anxiety, I dont even feel like I want to be friends with 99 percent of people. I had a friendgroup that I left because I felt like they didnt want me around. I basically have zero friends outside of highschool and I get very lonely almost every week. I think about suicide pretty much every week. Sometimes I get really bad thoughts for a couple of days and then after that Im relatively fine.
Hello :) I spent most of my life feeling a lot like you describe, an indifference towards others, until that feeling almost entirely went away over the last couple years. Personally, I discovered that I had felt that way as a subconscious defense mechanism-I didn't understand why I was so anxious around others, so I "decided" that it was because I was just incompatible with everyone else. Depression was also a huge factor-when you aren't able to find happiness or enjoyment in anything, how are you able to relate to people who can? It felt impossible to relate to people, and because of that, impossible to make friends with them. In a way, I was jealous of people who I saw as unattainably "normal". But we aren't abnormal. We value ourselves less than we should, and less than others would value us, if we trusted them enough to give them the chance. If I could give my highschool self some advice, I'd tell him two things: *1)* You're hyper-aware of your every flaw, and you hate yourself for all of them. This subconsciously makes you hyper-aware of everyone else's flaws. You're not giving yourself a fair chance, and you're not giving others a fair chance. You cannot heal your self-esteem by hating yourself for your mistakes, and you will not heal your anxiety if you're subconsciously holding others to similar unattainable standards. You should know that your self-hatred is not based in reality; it's based in ways you've been treated many times before, but most people will not treat you this way, because you do not deserve it. *2)* It's easier for anxious people like us to have shallow interactions with less emotion and substance, because there's less risk of rejection. However, there's also infinitely less likelihood of rewarding interactions that allow us to better understand and love ourselves and others. You can't just pretend your anxiety isn't there and "act normal", but push yourself to do things that feel like little risks. You probably already know from my videos, but I also dealt with constant suicidal thoughts for many years, and I came very close to taking my own life. I just want you to always know that there is someone who cares about you a lot, and I don't mean that in a generic sense. I care about you. I can't give you a hug (and if you're anything like me you might not be comfortable with that anyway lol), but I am here for you, and I will always be happy to hear from you about anything you're going through. You can comment here or email me (address on the about section of channel) any time, for any reason, and I would be honored to be your friend. Take care :)
I can see you are doing well and your smile is amazing! When you feel awkward or out of place, shoot someone one of those amazing sexy smiles , complete with dimples. You won't believe how many people will smile back! Cheers!
I just watched this video and it brought up a couple of thoughts. For years I wondered what it would be like to go out with someone and I'm blindfolded with perhaps medical wrapping. I wonder if not seeing the people and the world around me would lower my anxiety. Its ust as an experiment I've considered. And I don't promote or encourage this in the least but when I binge drank in college and after for a couple of years. I discovered I could completely embarrass myself, act the fool, even get thrown out of two clubs in two different states because the alcohol made me a bit of a mess (no anger or violence involved- more like dancing on a table.) Anyway what it taught me was that I could literally be a total mess and what happened? I lived. The alcohol made me not care of others judgememts when i was drunk. And the next day, i realized...i lived.The world didnt end. So i realized that when im sober (i dont drink anymore) whatever happens in interactions with people i will live. Simple as that for me. Im still completely self-conscious and dreading embarrassing myself. But in the back of my mind I know I'll live. I'll be home and the world won't end. I'm not an alcoholic but I just find it interesting the affect it had on my shame. I still rarely leave the house but I know whatever happens I will live. I will still go home and ruminate about it but the impact on me will be lessened. I try to remember (as the Buddhists say) that everyone is suffering. Everyone has painful aspects of their life I don't know about and I try to identify with the wounded child inside them. God. I'm babbling. (Sorry. I guess I haven't talked to someone in a while.lol) Anyway...if you've read this far congratulations on your persevrance.😂. My first inclination is to, of course, delete this. But I know that even if you think this is the ramblings of an idiot... I know that I will live.
@@johnohara3410 It's true! It's hard to remember in the moment that it really doesn't matter (and sometimes the moment seems to last forever) but it's true. Sensory overload is definitely a huge part of my anxiety, whether it's seeing people or hearing them, though especially all the people in my peripheral vision who might be glancing at me and thinking something negative. Being blindfolded I think would make me more anxious, partly because I would feel like everyone's attention is on me because of the blindfold, but also partly because not being able to read people's expressions and body language makes me super nervous. I don't know about you, but I find phone calls terrifying for that reason.
fwiw doing new things in a new environment has an uncomfortable feeling for most people except perhaps the most gregarious individuals. It’s a place where people meet who are likely familiar to each other, so connecting with even one person is great. You certainly have good luck with that person being a therapist who can help out. What are the odds?!
Right? That was so lucky, and of course I never would have known if she didn't decide to speak up. It's probably for the best that there are some people who aren't so shy :)
"my awkward presence did actually pay off at one point" lol, amazing. I've felt that way about myself.
Whenever I see someone spaced out or frozen out in public, I relate to them. But for whatever reason, when I am experiencing my own "awkwardness", I make huge judgments about myself despite the situation being minor. It's easier to put pressure on myself than others. But I also resonate with the idea of showing up as you are -- no need to place a judgement on yourself or others for how you're doing in that moment! (Unless you're being blatantly inconsiderate!)
Awesome to hear you ran into people who helped spread the word about the support group!
Yeah, it actually makes me a lot more comfortable when I see someone else acting a bit "awkward"! And most people are pretty chill with me when I feel like I'm coming across as super weird. It's definitely an internal fear & pressure, which usually has little basis in reality. Thanks Alex :)
Making progress! Congratulations!! Keep us updated.
Thanks man, I absolutely will! :)
Hi Jake, I just found your channel, and watched your first video from a year ago, and then this one. I don't leave comments on yt very often (I have avpd and social anxiety too, so I always worry that what I'm writing doesn't really make sense haha) but I just wanted to thank you for making videos about avpd! Like you said in your first video, it's pretty difficult to find videos about avpd by people that actually have avpd themselves and know what it's like. So I know it can't be easy publishing these videos, but it's awesome that you're doing it, 'cause It's just so nice to hear someone else talking about life with avpd, so you feel less alone and a little less awkward. Oh and your cat is really cute! When it first started meowing at the end of the video I thought it was my cat, and I got so confused because I could hear my cat eating in the other room. But then your cat appeared and it all made sense haha.
Lastly, I just wanted to say that it's so cool that you went out and handed out flyers - and amazing that there happened to be a therapist who helped spread the word about the support group!
Hi Nanna! I totally feel your struggle on leaving comments, so I really appreciate that you wrote this :) I'm so glad my videos could offer a bit of solace. Haha, I did the exact same thing when listening to the video back-I kept turning around looking for my cat, then heard her in the litterbox and figured it out right before she appeared on camera. Thanks for the encouragement, it really means a lot :)
Great job on getting the fliers out and making a connection to someone who can really help you with finding group members. I can relate so much to everything you said here. Having to awkwardly stand while you're waiting for someone else to finish doing something. I'm sure you felt like every eye in that coffee shop was staring at you. And what you said about normal people is something I have thought a million times. I'm always fascinated that some people can walk up to anyone and start a conversation. And here's me, afraid to even say HI to someone unless they say it to me first.
It was especially jarring after not going anywhere in public for so long. I didn't feel like I especially weirded anyone out, so that's cool! (though some credit is owed to the sheer quantity of people I interacted with, and for just a few seconds each).
I , myself have absolutely no idea where to even start. I'm 74, kinda pathetic
I've described myself as pathetic many times, too, but I want you to know that you're definitely not pathetic. We're faced with real, extreme difficulty in doing things that most people are able to do without thinking twice. It has only gotten harder, never easier, throughout my 25 years of life, and I can only imagine how it feels to you. So try to show yourself forgiveness, and also give yourself credit-recognizing what you're dealing with, and talking about it online, is meaningful and commendable.
I could only find my starting point by accepting that my avoidance had made me miss out on a lot of things that I really want to experience. It will take many miniscule steps for me to get where I want to be, and I have to be proud of myself for each one that I accomplish. I can't tell you where to start, except that starting small is the key and every little step towards outwardly being who you want to be is a huge personal milestone. I wish you the best of luck :)
Hi Jake, thank you so much for sharing and taking us all with you on your amazing journey of self discovery - this is all so helpful to others. Well done for all you are doing.
Thanks Roy, I'm very glad to be able to share!
Could you talk about how you deal with loneliness. And something I suffer from is anxiety inducing boredom, just from my life being so repetitive and awful. I dont have this all the time but every few weeks, Ill have a few days where I get really anxious because I cant stand being alone in my room anymore.
I absolutely relate to you on the boredom that's so bad it makes you anxious. It's so tied into the combination of depression and anxiety that it feels impossible to combat. You don't have it in you to do anything, with anyone, but you also can't stand to keep being alone and doing nothing.
When that happened to me, I often hung out with my brother (like the only person I wasn't anxious around) and just drove him crazy talking in circles about how anxious and bored and depressed I was. I always wished I could just sleep it off, but I was lucky to get 4 hrs of sleep at night, and I haven't been able to take a nap longer than 20 minutes since I was a child. Sometimes I just sat and cried.
The only thing that semi-reliably kept me sane was listening to a very specific RUclipsr's playthrough of a video game series I like. Those games were one of the few things truly enjoyed during those years, but I rarely had it in me to actually play them. This guy's playthroughs and his soft voice just numbed me enough to wait it out, until I felt a bit better for a while (similar timescale to what you describe). I've watched some of his videos hundreds if not thousands of times. I did similar things with certain music albums. It's weird little things like that which got me through.
I might make a video about the topic of dealing with loneliness, and some other things your comments have gotten me thinking about. Coping with loneliness is definitely still a work in progress for me. Honestly, I feel more lonely now than I ever have. Most sorts of parasocial interactions on the internet seem to make it worse. Talking to cool people through my channel is super awesome, though. I only wish I could meet some of you in real life :) My long-term plan for dealing with loneliness is to meet new people, and you know how hard that is, but we can do it (eventually)!
Hey Jake! Awesome to see you are making progress with the recruitment and the way you react out in public is so funny to hear, (in a compasionate way ofc). I mostly get red faced, sweaty and clumsy. Going into a store and asking to put something in their window would be so scary to me, even if I wasn't the person doing it, but I think there might be a different culture about flyers here in Denmark. We do have pinboards but not in businesses, and those you are free to post on without having to ask permission. You are looking well, and good luck on the move :). Best Rolf
Thanks Rolf :) I can definitely relate to the clumsiness, I just default to freezing in place until someone snaps me out of it. I hope things are going well for you!
Hello Jake. I think its awesome what you're doing; that kind of awareness needs a voice and it's very brave of you to be the voice of something that a lot struggle with in silence. I haven't been diagnosed with AVPD (severe anxiety and PTSD are my diagnosis) but it's uncanny how much your experiences sound like my experiences and how I see the world. Anyway its great to see you stepping outside of your comfort zone and smiling so much!
Thank you so much for the kind words; it truly means a lot! The diagnosis is really just a label for our shared experiences, and you certainly don't need it to be welcome here :)
Congratulations on getting out ;) um just 2 or 3 things I can offer ;), you have a great smile and it’s great to see.
Sstanding there silently can just look mysterious or intellectual, I suppose I just got into a habit of turning a negative self perception, into something positive. I mean if we (including me of course) are gonna decide what others are thinking about us , make it a positive thing ;) Actually I’ve noticed that most guys in general don’t have very expressive faces, we’re mostly pretty deadpan especially in shops or wherever.
Oh yeah, and you said it looks so easy and natural for everyone else, on the surface it probably does, a lot are “acting” comfortable, everyone has their “stuff” yeah it’s way harder for us, it’s the minority who are truely completely comfortable and at ease. ❤🤷♂️😊(I’m also someone with APD for context ;)
Thank you!! You make good points :)
Hi Jake, Ive watched almost all your videos now. Im undiagnosed but I have many of the symptoms for avpd. Something that I find weird is that while I am very self-critical, I also dislike most people or I am indifferent to them. This makes it even harder for me to make friends because besides all the anxiety, I dont even feel like I want to be friends with 99 percent of people. I had a friendgroup that I left because I felt like they didnt want me around. I basically have zero friends outside of highschool and I get very lonely almost every week. I think about suicide pretty much every week. Sometimes I get really bad thoughts for a couple of days and then after that Im relatively fine.
Hello :)
I spent most of my life feeling a lot like you describe, an indifference towards others, until that feeling almost entirely went away over the last couple years. Personally, I discovered that I had felt that way as a subconscious defense mechanism-I didn't understand why I was so anxious around others, so I "decided" that it was because I was just incompatible with everyone else. Depression was also a huge factor-when you aren't able to find happiness or enjoyment in anything, how are you able to relate to people who can? It felt impossible to relate to people, and because of that, impossible to make friends with them. In a way, I was jealous of people who I saw as unattainably "normal". But we aren't abnormal. We value ourselves less than we should, and less than others would value us, if we trusted them enough to give them the chance.
If I could give my highschool self some advice, I'd tell him two things:
*1)* You're hyper-aware of your every flaw, and you hate yourself for all of them. This subconsciously makes you hyper-aware of everyone else's flaws. You're not giving yourself a fair chance, and you're not giving others a fair chance. You cannot heal your self-esteem by hating yourself for your mistakes, and you will not heal your anxiety if you're subconsciously holding others to similar unattainable standards. You should know that your self-hatred is not based in reality; it's based in ways you've been treated many times before, but most people will not treat you this way, because you do not deserve it.
*2)* It's easier for anxious people like us to have shallow interactions with less emotion and substance, because there's less risk of rejection. However, there's also infinitely less likelihood of rewarding interactions that allow us to better understand and love ourselves and others. You can't just pretend your anxiety isn't there and "act normal", but push yourself to do things that feel like little risks.
You probably already know from my videos, but I also dealt with constant suicidal thoughts for many years, and I came very close to taking my own life. I just want you to always know that there is someone who cares about you a lot, and I don't mean that in a generic sense. I care about you. I can't give you a hug (and if you're anything like me you might not be comfortable with that anyway lol), but I am here for you, and I will always be happy to hear from you about anything you're going through. You can comment here or email me (address on the about section of channel) any time, for any reason, and I would be honored to be your friend. Take care :)
I can see you are doing well and your smile is amazing! When you feel awkward or out of place, shoot someone one of those amazing sexy smiles , complete with dimples. You won't believe how many people will smile back! Cheers!
☺
I just watched this video and it brought up a couple of thoughts. For years I wondered what it would be like to go out with someone and I'm blindfolded with perhaps medical wrapping. I wonder if not seeing the people and the world around me would lower my anxiety. Its ust as an experiment I've considered.
And I don't promote or encourage this in the least but when I binge drank in college and after for a couple of years. I discovered I could completely embarrass myself, act the fool, even get thrown out of two clubs in two different states because the alcohol made me a bit of a mess (no anger or violence involved- more like dancing on a table.) Anyway what it taught me was that I could literally be a total mess and what happened? I lived. The alcohol made me not care of others judgememts when i was drunk. And the next day, i realized...i lived.The world didnt end. So i realized that when im sober (i dont drink anymore) whatever happens in interactions with people i will live. Simple as that for me. Im still completely self-conscious and dreading embarrassing myself. But in the back of my mind I know I'll live. I'll be home and the world won't end. I'm not an alcoholic but I just find it interesting the affect it had on my shame. I still rarely leave the house but I know whatever happens I will live. I will still go home and ruminate about it but the impact on me will be lessened. I try to remember (as the Buddhists say) that everyone is suffering. Everyone has painful aspects of their life I don't know about and I try to identify with the wounded child inside them. God. I'm babbling. (Sorry. I guess I haven't talked to someone in a while.lol) Anyway...if you've read this far congratulations on your persevrance.😂. My first inclination is to, of course, delete this. But I know that even if you think this is the ramblings of an idiot... I know that I will live.
Please don't drink.😮
@@johnohara3410 It's true! It's hard to remember in the moment that it really doesn't matter (and sometimes the moment seems to last forever) but it's true.
Sensory overload is definitely a huge part of my anxiety, whether it's seeing people or hearing them, though especially all the people in my peripheral vision who might be glancing at me and thinking something negative. Being blindfolded I think would make me more anxious, partly because I would feel like everyone's attention is on me because of the blindfold, but also partly because not being able to read people's expressions and body language makes me super nervous. I don't know about you, but I find phone calls terrifying for that reason.
@@JakeAvPD Thanks for responding and sorry about the babbling.😁 The journey continues...