Anger, Compassion, and What It Means To Be Strong | Russell Kolts | TEDxOlympia
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- Опубликовано: 27 сен 2015
- While anger can feel powerful in our bodies, many of us use angry behavior to avoid dealing with things that make us uncomfortable. Compassion gives us a way to be strong that helps us courageously face the things that scare us-about the world, and about ourselves-and help make them better.
Russell is a licensed clinical psychologist and Professor of Psychology at Eastern Washington University, where he has taught for the past 16 years and has received numerous honors including twice being named the associated student body’s Faculty of the Year. Dr. Kolts has authored and coauthored numerous books and scholarly articles, including The Compassionate Mind Guide to Managing Your Anger, An Open Hearted Life: Transformative Lessons for Compassionate Living from a Clinical Psychologist and a Buddhist Nun (with Thubten Chodron), and the forthcoming Buddhist Psychology and CBT: A Practitioner’s Guide (with Dennis Tirch and Laura Silberstein). Dr. Kolts has pioneered the application of Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) to the treatment of problematic anger and regularly conducts trainings and workshops on CFT.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
If you watch this carefully, you'll notice a mistake at the end. I saw the blinking timer signalling that my time was running low, and skipped the 3rd point of my 3-point list at the end. So here's about what I intended to say: "Third, once we've slowed things down a bit and have some space, we can ask some questions. Questions like, 'What does this situation feel like to the other people involved? How does it make sense to them?' Questions like, 'What would help me to feel safe and to be at my best as I work with this situation?', and questions like, "If I was at my very best: my kindest, my wisest, my most courageous, confident, and compassionate, how would I make sense of this situation? What would I understand? What would that compassionate version of me feel, think, and want to do?" Then, we can try acting from that perspective - letting our actions be guided from that compassionate self." Thanks so much for watching, and I hope you found something useful here. rk
+Russell Kolts Hey Russell I can guarantee that this is not the 'glaring' mistake that you think it is. You delivered your message expertly and comprehensively :)
+Foreverest Agreed totally
i know the feeling of having to wrap up early and missing vital points.
But i can assure you that the message came across and to be honest you where so mesmerizing that i forgot about the third point.
this applies to me so much I am known in my family as the brute. I actually used it to my advantage when i was younger i done body buidling, changed to weight training and also done martial arts. I actually thought I could control my own anger to make me stronger and more powerful. Now at 37 I can feel my anger cripple me. I no longer have the energy to be so angry I can't stop it but I tire of it. I need to learn a new way of being and living as i fear for my health.
+tattoodrdoke, you are just the sort of person I hoped this talk would reach. If you go to www.compassionatemind.net/Working_With_Anger.php , you can download the group therapy manual we use for the Compassion-Focused Therapy anger groups. I hope it can offer you something useful. You may also find my book, "The Compassionate Mind Guide to Managing Your Anger" useful - it teaches how to use Compassion-Focused Therapy to help understand and work with problematic anger. It's available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble Stores, and a number of national bookstores. If you can't afford it, email me your address at rkolts@compassionatemind.net, and I'll send you a copy, free of charge. Many kind wishes, rk
+Russell Kolts thank you i really appeciated this talk and it was a real eye opener to me watching this. Today is the first day I have felt unburdened by my all consuming anger. I'm not sure exactly how you felt at that penny drop moment with your baby but I had that moment last night after watching this. I really want to thank you for putting this out there. I will check that link and I am looking into councilling as when my son arrives my wife and son deserve the man i know i can be not the angry man i have become.
very inspirational. when people see an angry person they avoid them. but the angry person sees the avoidance as being targeted (hated) so it becomes a viscous cycle. yet it seems there is a lot I can learn about compassion
Thank you, Russell, for being brave enough to make yourself vulnerable by sharing your own story in this talk. Very powerful. Well done.
One of the best videos I've seen in a long time on anger and compassion. This man taught me more in 13 minutes then several sessions with a counselor has done. Amazing. Thank you, sir!
Well you probably didn't explain your story well enough to the counselor!
His voice may be mellowing me out a bit. I think I feel angry because I have trouble being with people or feeling rejected & unappreciated.
We all are going to experience some social rejection and sometimes perceive we are under-appreciated. If we seek validation and esteem mainly through others we will be vulnerable to that, so we need to build up internal strengths, so we then enter into relationships with more internal sense of ourselves (limitations, and all).
Cheers.
Your not alone...
We are healing ❤ trauma bodies
From all RUclips videos I have watched in my life, this is the one that has made the most impact on my life. I listen to it again from time to time to help me keep going...
a simple evaluation of yourself is all it takes to renew your personality
Use anger to fuel your engine but don't let that fuel burn your engine.
Use your anger as a motivation but do not be consumed by it
Yes
Your quote almost has the same meaning as mine.
"When anger initiates, your soul ignites. And It's up to you wether you let it burn or let it shine
Thank you Flunky.
This is great! Thank you for this quote
@@haki5848 welcome ❤️
Had this guy as a professor for two classes in undergrad and he was awesome!
My anger and irritability have always been a problem and unfortunately I used to just give in, because I got so tired I just accepted it as part of me, then I had my son and this learned behaviour of just accepting it translated, and i quickly found i hadn't become the man or father i wanted to be and infant disgusted myself, fast forward 9 years of intense self loathing, hatred, meeting my now future wife 6 years ago started that change, by her acknowledging that there wasn't just anger to me, it was just learning that I didn't have to be so on guard and angry at life anymore, and the icing, THIS, this is what I needed to hear
Amazing story. This is what I have discovered recently, as well. I had many struggles in life and didn`t know how to control my anger. Feeling compassion towards the unsolved situations and myself helped me change my point of view and feel better. Thanks for sharing your story.
This was one of the best seminars I've ever watched thank you so much for putting this on here
Russell Kolts thank you so much for these wonderful words and advice.
This is one of the best talks about compassion I've ever seen. Russell, your vulnerability is touching and inspires me to be more transparent about my feelings. I'm going to share this for sure!
I learned two valuable lessons from this talk. I discovered that anger is the easier emotion to express, and therefore we go straight to that in order to avoid the much scarier feelings of sadness and shame. I also learned that we can compassionately acknowledge ourselves in moments of anger to better understand what feelings triggered these moments.
Dr. Kolts has truly inspired me in my profession! Am amazing man with an amazing message!
Compassion for others & for oneself!
Thank you so much I have struggled with intense anger for many years I'm 32 and have a wonderful family who just tonight i treated horribly now I can work toward being who I want to be and who I know I am in my heart.
This spoke directly to me. Thank you 💖🙏🏼✨✌🏼️
Thank you, this is just more confirmation in what I need to do, follow the path towards mindful meditation, lose my attachment to things, and cultivate loving kindness to myself and others
Thank you for sharing your experience and journey with us. 💗✨
Thank you for sharing this awesome talk,especially the point that its o.k. To have a "angry temperment",that of itself is extremely frustrating to come out and admit but,is definitely a lightning feeling to finally start to challenge and heal.sorry for the grammatical insanity I'm not fully awake,but I felt compelled to thank you personally. I have a lot of work ahead but I love that I am not alone and I'm hopeful,it's taken 30 out of 37 yrs to get here.
thank you for posting. it helped to be able to communicate what I feel while an after I'm angry
He's my professor this quarter! He's a really cool guy and definitely knows what he's talking about!
Thank you. I needed this.
thank you for the inspiring talk.
Thanks for the talk. Compassion is key.
best ted i ever saw. wow. just wow!
Epic message, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!
mind blown. thank you i really appreciate this.
Thank you so much for this talk
Several good points. Thank you.
I have learnt so much from you Russell, and find your talks very engaging. Thank you
This is super previous, man. Thank you! I have always thought there was something horribly wrong with me.
Thank you! Your speach change the perception about myself.I feel angry very often and even if I want to controll it it's impossible.I probably need more time to calm myself and to think the consequences of my anger feelings. Yesterday,becouse of my anger, I hearted emotionaly my parents and after 10 minutes I felt very sorry becouse they dont deserve the way I behave.It's an everyday struggle and I found very difficult to handle the situation when I feel that way
Thank you ... great talk!
Thanks for sharing your story.
Amazing
This was really powerful.
Thank you for this, this has helped me a lot
Thank you man 💜
Thank you
The self-reflection activity was awesome
Added to my mental health channel. Love it.
Ooh I need to make one too
Good idea
4:52, Not in my experience, it can also be a lonely thing to be anxious or even sad as lots of people seem to act like it is wrong to feel anxious or sad when you can't help it.
Pete, you're exactly right that many people don't respond in a helpful or nurturing way to sadness or anxiety - we live in a culture that implicitly implies that something is wrong with us if we don't feel happy all of the time. What I meant to communicate is that unlike these emotions, people don't tend to sympathize with those who are angry (which at least some of us often do toward people who are anxious or sad, even if we don't express it well), and that anger itself serves an evolved function of pushing people away. Sadness and anxiety can feel intensely lonely, and I certainly didn't mean to imply that they aren't difficult or isolating. Thanks for your comment.
Great Advice! If people listened to this..their would be less issues.
thank you
Wow, this was so beautiful ❤ It struck my heart!
Thanks...
Great talk!
I mean it!!!! Got me there!!
This is good stuff, Russell. Glad to see you doing this with your life. I work with kids with BD/ED as a SPED teacher, and I'd like to use some of this with your permission.
Feel free, James. Use whatever is helpful.You might check out the manual in the link I posted in a comment above.
Dr. Kolts,
You previously mentioned your developing a treatment program for incarcerated men with anger issues. As a psychologist who works in a federal prison, I would be interested in reading more about it.
Thanks,
Brian
My anger truly started because of having a shit father and getting beaten up in front of half my school, years of having that anger and it getting worse and worse caused me to end up away from everyone I love and losing my girlfriend, my friends and kind of one of my brothers. Over the years my anger turned me into someone I can't even recognise and also made me so sad and lost that I want to burn the world. Naive people think love is the most powerful emotion and cynical people think hate is but I think it's anger even love couldn't change my anger.
I was in the same boat you are in. I didn't have a great childhood; father was angry, not abusive, but go from 0 to yelling in .5 seconds, was bullied on a daily basis in elementary school, considered an outsider for most of my young life and didn't have many friends. When I moved out of my parent's house I started hanging out with some very good people and that started changing my attitude and made me a better person. Those people eventually led me to my wife and when my son was born, I made sure that I was going to break the cycle that my father had started. I've been tested a few times, just like when Russell was trying to put his child to sleep, I know exactly what he's talking about and it's infuriating to say the least, but I've been able to keep my cool and just know that eventually they grow out of it. My son is smiles 95% of the time and I think it's because of the fact he is surrounded by happy people. We don't spoil him and get after him when he's been bad so he knows boundaries.
The only advice I can give you is set a goal and then look at the little steps it takes to get to that goal. Examine each step with a microscope and try to work towards them every day/week/month. Do small things all the time to move closer and make sure you are happy with yourself and that you've flushed all the toxicity out from you. That might mean finding new friends and better habits to make you happy. Baby steps...
Love comes in different forms. Compassion is one of them but nobody else's compassion will do the job. We have to give ourselves compassion. I've been where you guys were and self compassion will heal it all
Jarrod, you dont know me but I understand what you mean by anger. I dont know if I can always stay on the path of controlling my anger but I know that I have been successful and I have been trying my hardest to continue on that path. I wrote about it and if you ever want to learn more about anger, please read my experience hillbecomingamountain.blogspot.com/2016/12/the-power-of-anger.html
Same story here, Jarrod. Endless emotional abuse, bullying, broke all ties, endless self abuse, eating disorders, anger, rage, blah blah. But seriously, if you want some good advice. Spend time on yourself outside your head and eat healthy food. Put lots of time and effort into that. I even started growing it. Biggest bang for the buck, nearly free fresh food, sun, exersize, soil contact. Healthy nutrition brought me back to life and made me more emotionally resilient. It's important to take great care of yourself and you don't need to be perfect straight away. It can take a long while. All the clichés are true. Get some sun, get some fresh air, get some mild exersize, get that salad, eat with a new friend. You're done with people's shit, i'm done with people's shit. Self nursing time. It's not instant magic, it's *nursing*. It's all about you now. Those friends will come once you feel in better shape to deal with people. Promise. Hug. Love from others doesn't do much in our situation. Selflove does. You can't bullshit yourself around the fact that if you don't take care of yourself, nobody elses effort will do much either.
I'm willing but not wanting to draw negative responses as I respond to your comment because I really care and I respect your honesty. There are spiritual reasons for our problems. And there are "solutions" offered by other people. The manifestation of those Band-Aids will flatter and build up more pride and further the deception that we can live successfully without a tight relationship with the God of the Bible. Your natural father is/was loved by God throughout the times that he failed you. His father probably had an anger problem. So many Ted Talks contain impure solutions that the set up what the Bible explains as "ever learning but never able to come into the knowledge of the truth". Solutions apart from God have no real lasting value, although there can be a temporary positive impact. I am suggesting to you now, no matter how you are feeling at the time, that you sincerely talk, cry out to, challenge, however you are feeling when you are ready to get more of what you truly seek,... that you seek out Jesus Himself. Jesus will come to you. His love is not like human love. He can remove things entirely from our souls. Pain, sin, fear, as if never there. Clean, returned to innocence. The peace that passes all understanding and joy unspeakable can replace the negative aspects of one's life. The Bible is the Word of God and that is why it is lasting and also why that fallen archangel does all he can to discourage people from reading it. Peace to all.
superb video ever
very inspirational
thank you so so sooo mich for posting this ..
it feels good to find out that i'm not alone in this ... i have tried to manage it several times but it's nit working so my question to you is ..
when do we know that we need to ask for outer help ... to see a professional
... i'm done with this anger ruining my life ... and trying to control it only seems to make it worse by letting it accumulate and it really hurts... espacially when you're young and you have your l8fe aheead of you and you feel that just one episode of anger could ruin everything it just makes me want to stay alone i'm pushing everything people . life...and all like get away i'm harm ...
our prophet said the strong man the man can control and stop his anger in anger position
it's wonderful, Mr koltz.
Dude. How does someone talk about this so coherently if they've experienced what he's talking about.
Hysterical! No one in the audience. I love anger! Moves me everyday. I need a "Ted Show." Brooklyn moves.
Hits home. :( Thank you.
The sad thing is I have this horrible anger issue 😫😤😖
I like this guy, he's legit I can see it
Wow very powerful word i have a similar story. i want to be the dad i never had. And i need to stop getting angry ima work on it thanks for the vid
He who is not angry when there is just cause for anger is immoral. Why? Because anger looks to the good of justice. And if you can live amid injustice without anger, you are immoral as well as unjust.
~ Thomas Aquinas
I know anger makes me strong and I also know it's bad for me coz anger will cooldown later, leaving me to face the circumstances that I've created out of anger alone. So, I try so hard...so so hard to control my anger. But I fail, it controls me, I'm not controlling it. There's a improvement so far but this people are so annoying, even a people who are close to me. And I've mental illness. I've Cyclothymic disorder, severe social anxiety disorder. I just wish I could put all of these to an end.
I've seen a glimpse of depression-free life and God!! That felt good. I wish I could live like that forever.
Anger is often misdirected... "A harsh word is like unto a sword, but gentle speech is like unto milk. The children of the world attain to knowledge and better themselves through this." ~ Compilations, Bahá’í Scriptures
Anger is my defense
I get so angry sometimes and it changes my voice.
I can't describe it exactly but most of you would know what I mean.
we need practical and sientific method to control the anger
So if you're angry about the very people around you and how they lack compassion, and all you care about is compassion . Then what
We can't change anyone but ourselves. But in my life, I observed that the way I expressed my anger tended to make it almost impossible for those around me to show me compassion. So we start with ourselves, and working to be the people we want to be. What I found is that when I did a better job managing my own anger, the people that cared about me were much more able to give me what I needed - because my behavior wasn't pushing them away. No easy answer, but maybe a start.
Hey Russell, Wonderful talk. Could you also please let us know about the book you mentioned. Which book it was.
It was 'The Wisdom of Forgiveness'
... But compassion is the source of my anger. I want to help so badly but I cant' and that's making me angy and frustrated and I'll hurt myself to get rid of the anger
I'm jealous of his hair. Period.
Rage has been torturing me for about 21 years.
Becoming angry when needed is normal. But as I tell my own subscribers--staying in that state is not. Suffering from chronic anger causes a few problems. First it impedes your progress. By draining your energy that you should be using to advance yourself. Ever been angry all day at work then skipped that night workout? That's probably why. But it also isn't physically healthy and can lead to long term effects on the heart and doctors now think future cancer as well. Not to mention high blood pressure. There are two simple methods I tell my own people how to control anger. One you have with you--your breathing. You can breathe in a meditative state while walking down the street. You picture a coil slowly unwinding as if you were breathing through your stomach. Slow and in and out. Wind the coil and let it go slowly. It calms you down and if you do it every few hours for maybe ten reps then it keeps you calm. Second--reflect on what you are growing angry about. Is it really going to affect you even four months from now? You'll find many times it won't. So I would use these techniques to minimize anger so you can only progress forward. Hope that helps someone out there---Charles
I used to be angry subconsciously, then people around me helped me become aware of it, so I suppressed it and now I feel powerless and feminized...I want my anger back, but once it's suppressed it's like I lost my balls and can't get it back. I think men need to let out their power and society is calling it 'anger" and shaming them for it.
We owe all today’s great things too angry men!
It’s angry men who ran into bullets of our enemies
it’s that angry man that stepped in too protect that woman from that threat
It’s angry men that Injust people fear-in the school playground and in the workplace
It’s al that angry teacher we all (eventually) respected at school
today it’s taboo too be such a character
I SAY BS! I say we need more of them! i say we learn how too approach and isolate from them, the same way we would a mentally i’ll patient.
Angry men is what every family needs. My Arab background, we have many aunts and uncles, the majority still married, the majority too angry men. Today i see my aunts in old age all happy with what was one e an angry man. I ask and i get told “i wouldn’t have my life with anyone else”
You are not without anger you just play it off cool for what ever your reasons are
I’m a hot head and trying so hard to get over it!!!! So hard
Shaggy from scooby doo has came so far
I was just saying this dude looks like scott from imagination movers too! :)
what if you're angry about things that you should be angry about?
hello I am into this subject to deal with my own anger, and yesterday I saw 3 videos, and each taught me a little bit of this and that, in the sum, everything is describing my thoughts and actions quite well. about this: let things go, be curious and think about the other person situation, he/she might have reasons to act that way. Also, think about yourself I am not God, to judge others.
Exactly, sometimes people treat us in ways that deserve anger as a response. Our boundaries are being violated, we are being put in danger... when we are abused we have anger as a response bc it is appropriate.
John Evans let it all go let hot air rise.
Why can’t it simply be something or someone that pissed you off !?? Is that not a real thing??
Dear Russell...I am in deep trouble, when I am angry, I hit myself, throw things and shout at others....please help
How’s it going now?
@@bhaktabilly4669 aw that's sweet of you
How is it going btw?
Hes my sisters proffesor
i can control my anger, but sadly i cant control my rage....
Anger is an emotion, don't try to control it. Just like sadness and joy, why control anger but not happiness? Anger doesn't hurt you, what you do with it does. Just like happiness.
Stress caused by anger CAN hurt you
Why is the crowd dead?
+Aidan Davis It's the mix - they just didn't put the crowd reaction into the mix unless it was particularly loud. Not sure why, as it creates a few odd moments - a few times you'll see me pause and awkwardly smile (awkwardly because I'm smiling in response to what the crowd is doing, which you don't hear because of the mix, so it just looks like I'm smiling for no reason).
That makes so much more sense now! You were really funny out there and I couldn't figure out why the humor jokes weren't hitting their mark. Poor production choice on the part of TED :/
Probably because they were soaking up every bit of his wonderful talk. 👏🏼
Exercise helps
Shaggy?
Very Nice.
"Now just calm down ", is the worst thing to say to an angry person.
also if all fails, abandon those you love when they need you the most, to the point of complete oblivion and self destruction and even if it calls for losing their sanity just do it cause it works every time lol
and then get the entire city to stand against that person and deny them every opportunity to the point of poverty and depriving them of normal living conditions (to third world countries standards)
I disagree that power and anger are one thing; anger is irrational and physical--it shakes your muscles and makes a person lose all compassion. Power is taught by your mother--to manipulate everyone around you, that is power.
Anger is a disease which turns you into a monster
True but only through Jesus!
General talk with no inspirational though.. Just another guy telling us stuff that we ruminate in our brains on a normal day under a whatever situation. Just copying from other with no personal study or known reference
My two cents: society needs to learn to tolerate anger better. In many societies (including our "niceness-obsessed" Western one), anger is frowned upon. But why? I'm not saying that we should tolerate violence perpetrated in anger but is it really the end of the world if someone gets angry at work, for instance, and lets off steam by telling colleagues what he thinks of them? I recently got into trouble at work for sending an angry email at work to a colleague. In the email, I neither threatened her nor called her names, yet how did she react? She went to our boss, who thereupon arranged a meeting with HR. The whole thing was obviously designed to intimidate me into submission. I also see this "anti-anger" attitude as a sign of the feminisation of society: men tend to show anger more frequently than women (presumably because of higher testosterone levels) and nowadays many stereotypically male behaviours are discouraged. My conclusion: unless real harm is being done, let's allow people to express their anger more often!
Red flag - click bait.
TEDx sucks, TED without the x, not so much. TEDx content never EVER delivers what the title sells, TED not so much. That's why TEDx sucks, TED without the x, not so much.
Anger can't wreck but this shit makes me a bitch person. 😂😂😂😂😂😂