Inside of me there is a hellhound...I always tried to keep him jn a cage..and told him to shut up... .but at a 10/10 he burst out if his cage and was a threat to everybody around my. In the last two years I realised that the hellhound is a very important and powerful part of myself who wants to protect me. Who is absolutly able to protect me! Today he is walking by my side - off leash! When he starts growling I'm alerted and I take care of my boundaries. No need for my hellhound to make a mess. He is such a great mate 💕
One of the most loathsome experiences as a child was being psychologically provoked by a family member at the dinner table. Almost always, all the the family members would join in. They would say out of the blue "what's wrong with you?", and I would reply genuinely "nothing is wrong with me", they would then start saying 'there is, there's something wrong with you" and I would quietly protest saying I was fine. This would go on for a while, while my family teased me about being in a 'bad mood' or 'upset about something' when there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. I would try to hold down the desire to react, but because they were relentless, I would end up exploding in frustration. Then I was in deep trouble for showing anger and either punished, or belittled further. It's a horrible feeling of being trapped in a situation that you know you'll never be able to win. This kind of provocation happened in other situations, it sometimes still happens to this day, but I manage to make a joke or change the subject to deflect. Not something I could do as a child. If I said nothing - I had to hold the anger in and fester inside while being teased - unable to stick up for myself. If I reacted - I was in big trouble or risked more mocking. Oh, the fun we had. I can feel my stomach tightening as I write it.
I'm anxiously attached but I know what you mean about feeling trapped. You are let down by the people you trust the most, caregivers, they can't help you and you feel so powerless as a result because you need them to teach you skills they don't have. You rightfully feel angry.
I have now watched almost half of your attachment videos, mostly on disorganized attachment. I have watched hundreds of others on you tube, and read dozens of books. You are one of the most clear and insightful people out there, of any age, profession or distinction on this topic. Not that you need an online stranger to tell you this, but you are excellent and exceptional. I hope, for all our sakes, you continue to study and practice, and create videos to share your knowledge and insights. Thank you so very much. You are helping people to heal.
Wholeheartedly agree. you are my favorite and most effective one out there. Every video of you I watch and listen to deeply, hits me with validation I’ve been yearning for for decades, instant releases sometimes, and that barely ever happens. Thank you Heidi
This resonated and helps me understand the FA style. My ex boyfriend came off as "too nice" people pleaser, before exploding and saying harsh things only to feel shame afterwards. It was a struggle to communicate his needs and emotions, in real time, and as you explain, negative associations around having boundaries and feeling inadequate/not enough/bad. No wonder a relationship felt like engulfment if he could not regulate and suppressed/censored most of his emotions. Seeing his family system, with a lot of dysfunction and narcissistic values, enmeshment, I also believe he was labeled scapegoat, diagnosed ADHD as a child, feeling less than his siblings, and has been trying so bad to fit in and not being excluded by the clan.
@@gday2386 He broke up, breadcrumbed me for a year, reaching out friendly, sending gift, no real talk no attempt to meet and disappeared for months after each time. It was painful to hope. The last time he contacted me he was more vulnerable and intense, but not accountable or even clear about intentions. I had been silent and realised I deserved more, so I didn't respond.
@@gday2386 He broke up. Then breadcrumbed me for a year, sending gift, catch up call, no real talk no attempt to meet, followed by disappearance for months. Really painful to hope. The last time he contacted me was intense messages where he was more vulnerable about the relationship and somehow regretful, but still not accountable nor really clear about his intentions. I had been no contact for a long time, maybe he sensed I was done. I expected more, like an apology, not just temporary missing me to meet and then what. So I didn't respond.
@@gday2386 He broke up. Then breadcrumbed me for a year, sending gift, catch up call, no real talk no attempt to meet, followed by disappearance for months. Really painful to hope. The last time he contacted me was intense messages where he was more vulnerable but still not accountable nor really clear about his intentions. I had been no contact for a long time, maybe he sensed I was done. I expected more, like an apology, not just temporary missing me to meet and then what. So I didn't respond.
I always feel like I'm a monster when anger, so they're often times i ignore it and when i do bust up, I push people to stay away from me because I'm afraid that it would end up hurting them. Them their comes a time when i would start avoiding them or try to emotionally detach from them.
Anger is the emotion that scares me the most. I repress it so much that it all comes out in my sleep. My nightmares scare those who are sleeping under the same roof and I have been known to wake up while physically punching or kicking a partner. Anger was never allowed in our house growing up. “Stop your crying or I’ll give you something to cry for” is so very damaging to a child.
I'm trying not to be angry at my mom learning that all my current problems are directly tied to how she parented me. I learned young to repress my anger because I was always punished for expressing it and now I struggle with both enforcing boundaries and being able to express anger without exploding. So much of my emotional growth was stunted because she was also emotionally stunted I just recently lashed out at a friend (a level 9 reaction to a level 2 issue) and it wasn't until days later that I realized it was because my abandonment wounds had been activated and this was essentially a "if you're going to leave me then just go ahead and do it already" tantrum. Thankfully my friend is more mature and we were able to talk about it over the weekend and both got a chance to express what we want from this friendship and how we can work together to achieve it. Sometimes healing feels impossible cuz there's so very much I need to work on 😩 but I guess it's all about the small steps eventually leading to big changes
This is so accurate, though I don't think I've ever acknowledged that it was anger I was dealing with. In my head, this is frustration. I'd tell myself I was just getting frustrated and I needed to be more patient. Except that I'd be patient right up until suddenly exploding out of nowhere, which did not lead to good conversations, because the other person at the point is panicking at this completely unexpected reaction.
My ex was with someone else for a very long time behind my back, by the time I found out, he had already ghosted me. He disappeared and left all of his things at my home. The rage was so immense and I bottled it in for a whole year and one day I looked around and saw all the things I was keeping for him for when he came back, my pent up rage exploded and I destroyed and burned everything in my back yard. He’s recently told me that he’s single again (he is not - I feel sad for his new partner) and that he misses me. I said no to seeing each other again. He asked for his things back… I went quiet. I’m still so heart sore but I do wonder sometimes if I did the right thing destroying his stuff - it was very therapeutic and the situation was filled with injustice, it was the only way to help me feel slightly equal.
@@sorakairi118precisely. posession is 9/10ths of the law. after that amount of time and including the ghosting, the law in most places would say he has abandoned the items. you coukd have even sold them to offset the storage costs
laying down boundaries is one of the best things I've ever integrated into my life. The days of gaslighting myself are over...and my life is so much happier, freer....incredible
Your fearful avoidant videos are so eye-opening, it's insane how much I've come to understand about myself TODAY that I'd managed to miss over a whole entire decade of therapy and self-reflection. I will come back and rewatch for sure, because wow this will take me a while to work through.
I struggle so much with forgiving my parents. And the guilt seeing my parents age and get sick and being torn between wanting to be there for them and hating them for how they failed as parents feels terrible. My father was constantly blowing up in fits of rage. Even if he was not physically abusive, his explosive and unpredictable anger was terrible. My mother fit all the hallmarks for BPD. Deeply insecure and erratic with her emotions and caregiving. Neither of them were emotionally reliable people and it was terrible for their children.
This is really good information. I also fear the other person will invalidate my feelings, blow up and turn it around onto me. That says a lot about my childhood.. Also, it’s easier for me to end the relationship than be vulnerable, share my upset and see if the other person is willing to meet me in middle. This was an eye opening video for me. Thank you!
It would be really great if you did a video on those of us who expressed sorrow as anger instead of allowing ourselves to feel the sorrow, I would really love that. So many of us do that.
YES especially the part where you're angry at the person, but they're the one that can soothe you. Even though I'm an adult, this happens with my parents.
The book Nonviolent Communication was super helpful in giving me a framework for expressing my boundaries and frustrations with people in a way that feels safe for everyone.
Spot on, as always. All those times you swallowed your anger thinking it was irrational or unjustified because that’s what you were taught…or that the consequences of expressing it would be disconnection/death.
For a looong time I was convinced I was Anxiously Attached. I reasoned that since I didnt have any actual abuse happen to me I couldnt have been an FA. Then one of your videos made me realiise I might just be that. I grew up with a narcissistic father and I knew I was the scapegoat from other channels. THIS video put 2 and 2 together and now I realise I can indeed be an FA. I have always had anger issues cos I hate injustice yet I cant calmly address issues until I cant hold it in anymore and explode! I feel so seen by you now and I know I can get better (I’m 38 now). Thank you!! 🙏🏻
I can’t stand my family for doing this to me. I won’t even talk to them now. Cuz if you can’t handle the truth then we cannot have an authentic relationship. They don’t care enough about me to change. They would rather maintain some sort of pseudo control and dismiss me as crazy. So done. I would like to work on expressing my boundaries. I have witnessed myself gettting choked up when I even try to express discontent in a calm way. It so difficult for me to set boundaries and express anger in any way.
Omg!! I was also diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder as a child also! Everything you say has been hitting the nail on the head. I’ve been able to not only find clarity and practical steps that helped my FA attachment style from your video as well as a lot of comfort from your compassion none judgmental approach and authenticity, I just love you. You feel like a friend whom I’ve always want and need to have. Thank you.
Months of fruitless therapy being told to give my anger a hug, should have just watched some RUclips 🙈 I needed way deeper insight on the issue than that. Thank you 🙏🏼
This makes sense to me! *I was told when very young that I had a 'bad temper' and was taught to repress my anger. I felt I had to SWALLOW my anger. That anger builds and then can become a volcano and because it then becomes too much to HANDLE - and then very difficult to 'regulate'.
This is absolute gold, and pretty much exactly what I've been seeing from the FA people around me. As a secure non-FA, it sucks to be on the receiving end of, but I figured there was something like this happening internally for them. So this is helpful. Thank you for detailing this and all the work you do, you're truly excellent at explaining these dynamics.
Dealing with this pretty heavily. I didnt know the connection between FA and how much my healthy anger and aggression were denied to me as a kid, forming a pattern of bottling and then exploding. Thank you 🙏
My conscience doesn't even register anger as an emotion anymore 😅 When I'm feeling angry what I think i'm experiencing is a slight irritation or other similar emotions, but then I blow up and start verbally and loudly vocalize all the things I'm angry about and try to openly resolve conflicts, but even then for some reason I don't think I FEEL angry. My 'avoidant side' tries to suppress any strong emotions and just ignores them, I guess, to feel in control of the situation and/or of myself, so I probably just unconsciously rationalize it away. Thanks for the video, very insightful and helpful! 💚
Thank you, Heidi, for presenting what is foundational knowledge to help society. I need co-dependents anonymous and clutter anonymous, and courage to approach these groups for healing.
I don’t know if I’m a fearful avoidant, but I think I am. I hold back everything and then I let go or I write it down on a piece of paper to get it out but I still fester with it. It has caused many a broken relationship for me. Please keep the videos coming.
As an autistic person who is exploring information on this attachment style, this concept of... suppressing anger to the extent you can get away with it... I've been very avoidant of anger for as far back as I can remember, and for me I think it relates to sensory/processing issues related to my autism. When I am unable to suppress anger, and I have to feel it, really feel it, I don't lash out. I cognitively shut down. Usually, I literally pass out. So despite not having the functional response described in this video... I think it might have the same underpinnings.
This rings so very true for me. Especially, being the scapegoat as a child. The only catch I have with this strategy towards healing is my fear of confrontation. I absolutely freeze or, usually, explode. No matter how trivial the issue is. As you’ve said many times, healing is a long road. I’m 63 and just learning about my wounded inner child. Long ago I took up meditation to deflate the intense, out of control emotions. In doing so I am able to feel my emotions more clearly. But, still struggle with identifying them. Thank you so much for making these videos for us.
All my childhood my father was downplaying my emotions and acted like he's at work. I never expressed healthily my anger and resentment and now it's gotten to a point where I'm furious about the slightest inconvenience. I also tend to have delayed reactions because of that! I tend to shout about smaller things and get ashamed afterwards, just like you're saying in the video. I also tend to minimise big things that deserve a reaction. I'm in therapy but there's too much to unpack and I want to be magically cured.
Wow. This has been such a relatable and well described experience. The history of being dismissed and pathologized (me angry = me irrational) and the habit of repressing low level anger until I can be sure it’s real (when it’s a 9 or 10) and then the experience of feeling out of body on fire (unable to self-regulate), followed by “oh shit I want the person I’m angry at to help me regulate” … welp. That’s exactly what that is. For me, it’s that dysregulated frozen place where I’m in a weird disassociative out of body mode that goes cold into a manipulative frame of mind only to ricochet hard minute to minute back into skin-crawling and rage barely kept under the surface. I’m just stuck in the thick of it where I can’t really express the anger fully (because I need the object of my rage to help me regulate) and I go between internal rage at them and waves of intense guilt and self-gaslighting myself - which looks like second-guessing why I’m even upset and this intense confusion for what I actually need or want.
There is no possible way that this just happened to show up in my feed today...Heidi...I don’t have the words to express how much your videos help me, thank you much! I love you! 🧡
Takeaways: - Your feelings are valid. We can feel it but choose how to act on it. - It is best to recognize and express anger when it shows up, so it doesn't add up to a point where you can no longer think properly. - Communicate your boundaries and feelings.
Thank you so much for the video. As an enneagram 1 ENFP, I was calling myself angry, then it evolved to "not know how to manage anger". Now, I can see that we are not that different when we feel something, but how we approach to that feeling. Thank you also for your practical advices :)
I’m also an ENFP. I’ve been told this my whole lyfe too. But I never saw it that way. I think my anger is entirely justified, like she was saying. The only thing I get angry about is injustices or people hurting other people. I’d RATHER be up in arms about that, regardless of whether people say it’s unhealthy or not….
THIS video has been SO helpful Thank you! I HAVE been labeled as someone with extreme anger issues BUT only by family and guys I date. Friends don't see that side of me... because it IS safe to talk to them around boundary violations. This makes SO much sense. YES, I was the family scapegoat 🥺 I appreciate your channel it is very practical to help raise awareness and take steps to recovery 🙌🏽🙏🏽👊🏽
I always say there is bitch inside of me that is bitter and resentful because ignoring this part of me stops me from analyzing my actions when I'm angry.
Heidi, I'm so glad I found you. I relate to so much of what you're saying. I had the same relationship with anger as you growing up, and feeling so ashamed for it. the part about family dysfunction and being a scapegoat absolutely, which ending up with me totally shutting out anger as i became an adult, and really believing myself to be an irrationally uncontrollably angry person, and i was scared to push away partners.
This is NOT ONLY for FEARFUL-AVOIDANTS! I have a hunch that suppressing anger often leads to similarly disproportionate eruptions of unexpressed anger regardless of attachment strategy. I'm not FA and I can relate in detail to this video. This feels to me like it could be helpful to anyone who avoids conflict and/or suppresses anger, whether that comes as a reaction to being the target of loved ones' anger (early in life or later) or to being raised/socialized by parents or caregivers who were already chronically suppressing their anger. This is a great video and I look forward to the ones that follow on this topic. Please consider framing them for a broader audience, as I almost didn't watch it because I assumed it wasn't for me (not being FA).
Going through your videos (very new or older like this one), and always very clear, validating and insightful, thank you. I used to tell myself that anger was pointless because they just didn't know to do differently. It was a fair conclusion from me in the dysfunctional family I grew up in, being at the same time scapegoated and parentified child. The result was that my anger would never surface to my awareness, "too mature" to allow myself "loose" and anyway the arguments would always be distorted, rejected, etc (then you get in a loop of justification). I however very often felt very sad to the point that tears would suddenly flow "without any reason" on my cheeks, not even sobbing or actively crying. I only started expressing anger later once i left their place first in intimate relationships and then years after outside, and i'm still working on doing it realtime on low levels and not only when enough is enough. A statement to the progress is that today my manager made a compliment. I told him my communication style is still too indirect and beating around the bush by times, (and he's a very direct, factual, impatient man), so he replied that not at all, while we're way different, i'm always very honest and transparent when there are issues whether for me or for the sake of the team and i would flag these up to him, including his own behaviours, and that's what he appreciates in me and what made me come so far also in this job. The comments are a strong reminder that we are unfortunately not alone to share similar childhood and life experiences, but also a testimony that we can heal from these, it's good to see how many of us are sharing experiences. thanks everyone 🥰
I watch your videos and I feel bad about the way I was taught about things but then I feel hopeful that I can be better and help my children through these emotions correctly thank you
I've come to a point in my life where I know my anger is valid and justified. The problem is knowing that if I express anger, the tables will be turned on me because I'm doing something 'wrong' (even though I was provoked) and knowing my feeligns will get ignored after expressing them.
I lived with suppressed rage for most of my life. I went to counselling and thought if I expressed my rage somehow that it would burn out like a fire. It didn't. Nor did the breathing exercises or counting to ten. It was only when I learned about CPTSD that the wounds were deep and suppressing that anger was at the root of all my rage. My FA, I believe, also comes from my CPTSD. My increased self awareness has helped me deal better with my anger issues, but the best way I have learned to deal with it is putting in boundaries and putting my needs and wants higher up my list. Therefore, people pleasing and becoming angry because people just use you has diminished.
Oh my god, this video completely describes me. My dad was a very angry person (not towards me, but in general) and I have always dismissed anger as it being a problem that I was angry at something. I have been depressed for a year and a half and I think it is the realisation that this is the cause that has caused it. I have never lashed out at all, but I definitely feel the guilt at feeling angry at all and even very embarrassed. I feel scared that being angry will push others away and that I’m actually angry for a wrong reason and I’m causing a violent injustice against others.
Great to hear from someone speaking about their own attachment style. I think I may be fearful avoidant also. And my Ex--we still have great affection for each other but can't be together because it gets abusive, veers into DV, and becomes untenable 😢. He's been recently open to input. I think he may find this video interesting and hopefully helpful. I hope it may help me too! 🎉
Dear Heidi, I would like to hear more about the anger. When does it occur? What is leading to anger? Is frustration also leading to anger? Internal and external sources? Let us gain a detailed look...
You are saving my life. Thanks to you I have realized I am fearful-avoidant. I also love all of your shadow work videos. Thank you for all of your contributions to the world.
What I love about your videos is that you describe the issue, and then you give a way to deal with it in a healthier way. That second part is so helpful and rare. Thank you!
Wow! I relate to the story of how you related to anger. I thought that anger is not a valid emotion because I was often screamed at when I was younger. I promised myself I would never get that angry. But of course, there are situations where anger is appropriate, but I never realized it was appropriate because I gaslighted myself into thinking that anytime I feel anger, it is irrational.
Spot on. And I’m 45 years old now and I now come to the conclusion that I have been the scapegoat for all of my life 😮 and the only thing I can do is to make sure I respond in a different way instead of reacting to something I can’t control or change. I forgive myself and my parents for they don’t know any better. ❤
I have been conscious that I needed to speak up sooner for a while but listenning to you, I reckon I need to work on this again. Now I speak up my anger when it's at a 5 and above so I no longer go out of control but it's still confusing for those around me and unpleasant for me so I will get used to expressing anger at level 1. Thanks Heidi for such an informative and helpful video. 😊❤
Your videos are so helpful. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart! Your videos about CPTSD helped me realize that, in addition to everything you mentioned here, I flashback to traumatic 'injustice' emotions from childhood when I'm angry.
Oh wow, i think you have just expressed the reason why I was diagnosed with depression-anxiety last year. When I went to therapy my therapist was a bit shocked with my anger-repression skills. I dont think I even expressed a 10. I just internalized everything.
My fear of conflict and avoidance of expressing anger comes from witnessing my dad's temper tantrums from a young age. It's like deep down I fear that expressing anything negative could lead to my partner experiencing that same level of terror I felt as a kid. There's always a voice in my head convincing me that whatever the issue is it's not significant enough to bring up and risk conflict. So I just become more resentful until I finally end the relationship when I'm fed up
I got 2 minutes in and you'd already described my entire life experience with respect to anger. I'm learning a ton from these attachment videos. What's encouraging is, I have already unconsciously started working on some of these things, and now I have some more specific direction to keep working on them.
A long time ago I discovered that 95% of the time I feel angry it’s because in reality I feel sad. A protection mechanism. And to stop this circle, I tried most as possible to show off it, sharing it and being vulnerable with the person who did hurt me. But, the world is not perfect and sometimes it doesn’t work the other one showing no compassion, no understanding and reacting with their ego so in this cas in doesn’t work. I still carry on because I know this is a true way to stay in contact to the real feeling behind anger which is for me sadness.
I think it is worth considering the experience of person that is the focus of the anger. They have been doing something that they had no clue was a cause of anger, something that in itself might be quite trivial, and one day, completely out of the blue, all hell lets lose. I remember my wife, in some distress, saying 'what did I do'? when I went nonlinear. She was just as upset as me and the cause would have been so easy to fix long before it became an issue. Heidi is quite correct to identify this behaviour, which I have both executed as a (mostly) reformed FA and also observed in other FAs. Heidi's strategy does work and is an important step on the way, but the childhood fears are still there, need addressing, and are the catalyst for this behaviour. In my opinion the only way to shake them off is with the help of a compassionate third party who can identify the causes.
You are a brilliant Godsend, truly! I've learned more valuable, helpful and useful information from you than from anyone else on my healing journey! Thank you for sharing what you are learning, and caring!
Thaaaaaank you!!!! 🙏🏼 so so so valuable for me right now with the stuff I‘m dealing with. This is how I feel always. I never explode, I learned already to talk at some point, I can also „run away“ from people… but 90% I always feel that my feelings are not safe or ok to express.
You have been so helpful in understanding myself. This is me to a T and I’m so glad there’s an explanation and reason to it ‘Me: don’t express this is too small Later:Explodes to level 100 followed by deep guilt
Thank you so much for this! It really resonates. I'm so used to suppressing and avoiding my anger, and recently it has started to bubble to the surface which is terrifying. I really want to get better at expressing boundaries when anger arises, this is also terrifying! But what you share has inspired me.
Thank you. I think I have at times expressed my anger on a low level... I am aware that my boundaries have not always been strong as sometimes people ignored that and I got to 30 instead of 2/3. So I defo was definitely holding on to the anger until I exploded... I have however only done this a few times this year.. I am noe wanting to express my anger to people but I am also trying not to do instant gratification! I am very grateful 🙏 for you sharing your experience and knowledge. You inspire me.
this is so helpful. I am so thankful that a friend introduced your channel to me. i've watched most of your videos in just two months and it's been a great resource for me to better understand my emotions.
Heidi, you are doing a great job. I would love to do dinner with you and hear more about your journey. Thank you for what you are doing and for taking care of yourself!
Thank you so much for this!! Can you make more fearful avoidant challenges videos? I find them so useful. Also it would be super interesting and helpful to understand how you did your journey from fearful avoidant to secure. It would really really help to understand the steps you took, the challenges you faced, etc. Thank you so so much for making these videos again!!
Well then!!!!! I just had an intense moment last night where I texted a friend - whom I didn’t want to bother her while she was on vacation - that I was very much feeling like I wanted to explode with a bunch of f-bombs. I am this attachment style (or disorganized) and I very much have boundary issues and problems with stuffing all of my “negative” emotions, including but most especially, anger. It has made me ill and it has gotten worse over the pst year. I’m 48. I bare the brunt of the relational and emotional load of my family and I’m not a secure attachment. I have a 17, 14 and soon 10 year old. I very much hope to find a therapist who can help me through my anger and emotional challenges. Thank you for making this video.
It’s interesting how much I can relate to all of this despite never having been scape goated seriously. I also feel like I’ve rarely had 10/10 explosive blow ups (I can think of 1). But the underlying idea of not expressing anger on the smaller scales and avoidance of anger and the idea that it’s a bad thing to do all rings true. So does not setting boundaries. I definitely grew up in a household where boundaries would have been seen as cold or uncaring or unloving in some sense. The enmeshed household is the loving household lol. But my parents really did lack most of the blame and scolding and invalidating most of the time thankfully. Still it did a lot of damage still. I think I grew up thinking that those who had strong boundaries were weird, cold, scary people. Someone who tells you you’ve done something they don’t like often or quickly when it’s a “small” thing would have put me off them made me feel bad about myself etc etc. instead of just them expressing their needs and boundaries healthily I would have seen them as prickly and someone to stay away from. Because of course healthy means having no needs, boundaries and just being chill all the time. 😅😂
Man, this resonates with me, my issue as an avoidant is I'm not offended by things that are said to me until i have about 36 hours to compute what was said to me and than it feels weird bringing it up that I'm angry about it because its a day and a half later.
Having a fearful-avoidant as a partner, I see the issue at a different core point. The perspective towards life. I see a very riggid idea on how things should be and thus a lot of triggers that can provoke anger where another more ballanced person would just brush it off and move on with their life. The solution can not be to express more often/loudly anger. The fearful-avoident, even if not conciously aware, tends to express more than average their displeasure and tends to already be perceived as controling. Instead the fearful-avoidant needs to learn that people have different perspectives and priorities towards life, as well as different ways of expressing themselves. They need to take more responsibility for themselves in this regard, as being aware that they are often the ones setting the goal posts for others, usually without consent/full support from their partner. For example they might want the dishwasher to be filled up in a certain way and they take it as a personal offence if the partner does not follow this "demand". Yes, we all should be able to bring in our ideas on how things should work in a relationship, however, the fearful-avoidant is lacking humbleness/tollerance/understanding/resiliance in this regard. Often simply not aware, that life goes on without major issues if their overly rigid expectations are not met. To express it differently, they get hung up on minor details and loose the bigger picture in that.
I think one thing that I have realized over the years is that it's not just these patterns. Psychology calls it temperament, some call it core essence, Taoists call it prenatal Qi, but it is the physical body you've been handed to some extent, but it's more than that too. When you have kids you can see it. It's right when they come out and it does leave it's signature throughout the taking on of the "post natal" Qi of your life circumstances. Some people are naturally more angry.. they just are. My 8 year old son was super sensitive immediately, he's become more anxious due to some issues and this sensitivity, but he'd be aware of any new person walking into a room of several from like 25-50 ft away, very sensitive to other things, sounds etc. he has perfect pitch.. it's wild. My daughter, 5, is more hot, she's very athletically built and has a lot of anger that comes out more naturally. I've read some literature that claims that people have dominant organs. I think this is more true than we'd like to believe. The easiest to see is the adrenals in dominance. Fight or flight and adrenaline junkies, most of them have a certain aggression, I have this part too, but it's a little more balanced out for some reason. They have a certain personality based on the aggression caused by the dominance of the adrenals. Was it their upbringing? or was it their body? Other organs in there have different influences, but there is this complex interplay between all this that is so interesting. Can I accept that I have this aggression that is slow burning to explosion? Other people have it different, shorter fuse, smaller bursts different organs. They are the quicker ones on the soccer fields, quicker, deceptive, manipulative, quick to anger, to a 4-5. The others are aggressive, super focused, slow to anger, but it builds to explosion 8-10. Just watch, you can see and tell. The entire build of the body is different, partly because of which organs are dominant. This is the lineage we inherit per-natally, and then our life circumstances come into play, but at root this temperament plays a big role. www.drberg.com/blog/adrenal-body-type-fix Here's one I found in a quick search, this is not what I had read previously, but even reading this you can see a pattern that develops. The adrenals kick, one gets angry, one doesn't get the response one wants, they kick again... over decades this causes some issues, your body in fact becomes resistant to cortisol.. "Your cells can be overloaded with cortisol when you’re in a chronic state of stress, causing your cortisol receptors to downgrade or become resistant-essentially becoming numb to the effects of normal cortisol levels." That's why the body becomes conditioned to need a 8-10 on the anger scale to even react. The body keeps score... yes it does. This would indicate a daily practice of relaxing would be very helpful.
I have to confess, anger has probably always been the most difficult emotion for me. I had thought I was afraid of anger, my own, and that of others, until I was 27. My parents would have screaming matches, and then when my dad moved out my mom took her anger at my dad out on me. Even before that, from an early age I learned that the most effective strategy was to just stand stock still until it was over and she would walk away in frustration because I was giving her nothing to work with. If I did slip up and betray some emotion that would start the next diatribe on the failure of character that demonstrated to her. I made myself even more unpopular by refusing to choose sides between her and my dad.... being the only male left in the house, I became the scapegoat. I became extremely angry, but I did't even realize until later that my earlier strategy made me go into a kind of paralysis if I got really angry.... but I could also just snap. Mostly I just said mean things to people, but I also tried to do things that would invite people to pick on me so I would have a reason to get into fights with them. But it never worked, because apparently, I was scary. 😅 I didn't want to be that person any more, so I buried my anger, but I was also seriously depressed. I still remember this time years later I was saying something and this girl I was friends with got really angry with me saying, "well I don't believe that!" It stopped me cold and I realized that I didn't really believe what I was saying either, and in fact I was depressing myself because I was pulled a long by the inertia of my own thoughts. Her anger woke me up, and it was liberating to realize that there were other possibilities. So I just sat there overjoyed and grinning, and all I could say was "really?" I'll never forget that moment, and even now that is still my gold standard for the expression of anger. I"m still not sure if I've achieved that yet, but maybe I have and not realized it. When I do let it out, I'm often surprised that other people will come to my side, even if I don't seem to reach the person I'm trying to. I still can't say its helped me with boundaries however, even if I can have all of the right conversations. I've found I still tend to freeze in response to anger. It shuts me down and I'll just flinch and say "sorry". But if I'm pushed beyond a certain point, then its like a switch flips and I respond in kind. I don't think my anger is dangerous anymore, if it ever was. But that's kind of it. If you even wonder, you don't want to find out.
![Seungmin "그렇게, 천천히, 우리(As we are)" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/kAzmhLHePqU/mqdefault.jpg)
Inside of me there is a hellhound...I always tried to keep him jn a cage..and told him to shut up... .but at a 10/10 he burst out if his cage and was a threat to everybody around my. In the last two years I realised that the hellhound is a very important and powerful part of myself who wants to protect me. Who is absolutly able to protect me! Today he is walking by my side - off leash! When he starts growling I'm alerted and I take care of my boundaries. No need for my hellhound to make a mess. He is such a great mate 💕
Hugs! It takes a lot of strength to make friends with our "hellhounds"
Wow, this is really helpful to think about! Thank you!
Love this! I've got a few of my own.
Thanks for sharing that, it was very helpful.
I'm still under the impression that my inner rage can't protect me. "There's always a bigger fish," as they say. How do you get that confidence?
One of the most loathsome experiences as a child was being psychologically provoked by a family member at the dinner table. Almost always, all the the family members would join in. They would say out of the blue "what's wrong with you?", and I would reply genuinely "nothing is wrong with me", they would then start saying 'there is, there's something wrong with you" and I would quietly protest saying I was fine. This would go on for a while, while my family teased me about being in a 'bad mood' or 'upset about something' when there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. I would try to hold down the desire to react, but because they were relentless, I would end up exploding in frustration. Then I was in deep trouble for showing anger and either punished, or belittled further. It's a horrible feeling of being trapped in a situation that you know you'll never be able to win. This kind of provocation happened in other situations, it sometimes still happens to this day, but I manage to make a joke or change the subject to deflect. Not something I could do as a child. If I said nothing - I had to hold the anger in and fester inside while being teased - unable to stick up for myself. If I reacted - I was in big trouble or risked more mocking. Oh, the fun we had. I can feel my stomach tightening as I write it.
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Oh my God
I am so sorry you went through this i know exactly how horrible it feels
@@entkells5803 Thank you. It is both awful and reassuring that other people had similar experiences. I am sorry for your own experience too x
The old double bind, no win situation. The fun of growing up with trama, narcicists, & alcoholics.
I'm anxiously attached but I know what you mean about feeling trapped. You are let down by the people you trust the most, caregivers, they can't help you and you feel so powerless as a result because you need them to teach you skills they don't have. You rightfully feel angry.
I have now watched almost half of your attachment videos, mostly on disorganized attachment. I have watched hundreds of others on you tube, and read dozens of books. You are one of the most clear and insightful people out there, of any age, profession or distinction on this topic. Not that you need an online stranger to tell you this, but you are excellent and exceptional. I hope, for all our sakes, you continue to study and practice, and create videos to share your knowledge and insights. Thank you so very much. You are helping people to heal.
Ditto!
Wholeheartedly agree. you are my favorite and most effective one out there. Every video of you I watch and listen to deeply, hits me with validation I’ve been yearning for for decades, instant releases sometimes, and that barely ever happens. Thank you Heidi
I agree!
This resonated and helps me understand the FA style. My ex boyfriend came off as "too nice" people pleaser, before exploding and saying harsh things only to feel shame afterwards. It was a struggle to communicate his needs and emotions, in real time, and as you explain, negative associations around having boundaries and feeling inadequate/not enough/bad. No wonder a relationship felt like engulfment if he could not regulate and suppressed/censored most of his emotions. Seeing his family system, with a lot of dysfunction and narcissistic values, enmeshment, I also believe he was labeled scapegoat, diagnosed ADHD as a child, feeling less than his siblings, and has been trying so bad to fit in and not being excluded by the clan.
🥺
Did you take him back?
@@gday2386 He broke up, breadcrumbed me for a year, reaching out friendly, sending gift, no real talk no attempt to meet and disappeared for months after each time. It was painful to hope. The last time he contacted me he was more vulnerable and intense, but not accountable or even clear about intentions. I had been silent and realised I deserved more, so I didn't respond.
@@gday2386 He broke up. Then breadcrumbed me for a year, sending gift, catch up call, no real talk no attempt to meet, followed by disappearance for months. Really painful to hope. The last time he contacted me was intense messages where he was more vulnerable about the relationship and somehow regretful, but still not accountable nor really clear about his intentions. I had been no contact for a long time, maybe he sensed I was done. I expected more, like an apology, not just temporary missing me to meet and then what. So I didn't respond.
@@gday2386
He broke up. Then breadcrumbed me for a year, sending gift, catch up call, no real talk no attempt to meet, followed by disappearance for months. Really painful to hope. The last time he contacted me was intense messages where he was more vulnerable but still not accountable nor really clear about his intentions. I had been no contact for a long time, maybe he sensed I was done. I expected more, like an apology, not just temporary missing me to meet and then what. So I didn't respond.
I always feel like I'm a monster when anger, so they're often times i ignore it and when i do bust up, I push people to stay away from me because I'm afraid that it would end up hurting them. Them their comes a time when i would start avoiding them or try to emotionally detach from them.
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Anger is the emotion that scares me the most. I repress it so much that it all comes out in my sleep. My nightmares scare those who are sleeping under the same roof and I have been known to wake up while physically punching or kicking a partner. Anger was never allowed in our house growing up. “Stop your crying or I’ll give you something to cry for” is so very damaging to a child.
I'm trying not to be angry at my mom learning that all my current problems are directly tied to how she parented me. I learned young to repress my anger because I was always punished for expressing it and now I struggle with both enforcing boundaries and being able to express anger without exploding. So much of my emotional growth was stunted because she was also emotionally stunted
I just recently lashed out at a friend (a level 9 reaction to a level 2 issue) and it wasn't until days later that I realized it was because my abandonment wounds had been activated and this was essentially a "if you're going to leave me then just go ahead and do it already" tantrum. Thankfully my friend is more mature and we were able to talk about it over the weekend and both got a chance to express what we want from this friendship and how we can work together to achieve it. Sometimes healing feels impossible cuz there's so very much I need to work on 😩 but I guess it's all about the small steps eventually leading to big changes
This is so accurate, though I don't think I've ever acknowledged that it was anger I was dealing with. In my head, this is frustration. I'd tell myself I was just getting frustrated and I needed to be more patient. Except that I'd be patient right up until suddenly exploding out of nowhere, which did not lead to good conversations, because the other person at the point is panicking at this completely unexpected reaction.
My ex was with someone else for a very long time behind my back, by the time I found out, he had already ghosted me. He disappeared and left all of his things at my home. The rage was so immense and I bottled it in for a whole year and one day I looked around and saw all the things I was keeping for him for when he came back, my pent up rage exploded and I destroyed and burned everything in my back yard. He’s recently told me that he’s single again (he is not - I feel sad for his new partner) and that he misses me. I said no to seeing each other again. He asked for his things back… I went quiet. I’m still so heart sore but I do wonder sometimes if I did the right thing destroying his stuff - it was very therapeutic and the situation was filled with injustice, it was the only way to help me feel slightly equal.
Oh, you did. Those weren’t his the moment he left them at your place and broke the trust.
What an audacity to ask you for his stuff after this long time. You did what YOU need at this time.. would have done the same! 👍🏼🔥
Isn’t that technically a crime? I get the emotional catharsis, but I don’t think that was the right move nor was it the only way.
@@-whackdyour name is accurate. maybe instead of trolling strangers you could see if you maybe need an anger management diagnisis yourself?
@@sorakairi118precisely. posession is 9/10ths of the law. after that amount of time and including the ghosting, the law in most places would say he has abandoned the items. you coukd have even sold them to offset the storage costs
laying down boundaries is one of the best things I've ever integrated into my life. The days of gaslighting myself are over...and my life is so much happier, freer....incredible
It’s insane how simply laying down boundaries elevated my stress from being on 10 everyday to being nonexistent.
Your fearful avoidant videos are so eye-opening, it's insane how much I've come to understand about myself TODAY that I'd managed to miss over a whole entire decade of therapy and self-reflection. I will come back and rewatch for sure, because wow this will take me a while to work through.
Same. Exactly the same for me except it was YESTERDAY 😂
Incredible though…
I struggle so much with forgiving my parents. And the guilt seeing my parents age and get sick and being torn between wanting to be there for them and hating them for how they failed as parents feels terrible. My father was constantly blowing up in fits of rage. Even if he was not physically abusive, his explosive and unpredictable anger was terrible. My mother fit all the hallmarks for BPD. Deeply insecure and erratic with her emotions and caregiving. Neither of them were emotionally reliable people and it was terrible for their children.
This is really good information. I also fear the other person will invalidate my feelings, blow up and turn it around onto me. That says a lot about my childhood.. Also, it’s easier for me to end the relationship than be vulnerable, share my upset and see if the other person is willing to meet me in middle. This was an eye opening video for me. Thank you!
Yeah, my temper is like a thunderstorm, unlikely to hit you but if you're hit with a lightning bolt you're not going to enjoy it.
It would be really great if you did a video on those of us who expressed sorrow as anger instead of allowing ourselves to feel the sorrow, I would really love that. So many of us do that.
YES especially the part where you're angry at the person, but they're the one that can soothe you. Even though I'm an adult, this happens with my parents.
The book Nonviolent Communication was super helpful in giving me a framework for expressing my boundaries and frustrations with people in a way that feels safe for everyone.
Spot on, as always. All those times you swallowed your anger thinking it was irrational or unjustified because that’s what you were taught…or that the consequences of expressing it would be disconnection/death.
For a looong time I was convinced I was Anxiously Attached. I reasoned that since I didnt have any actual abuse happen to me I couldnt have been an FA. Then one of your videos made me realiise I might just be that. I grew up with a narcissistic father and I knew I was the scapegoat from other channels. THIS video put 2 and 2 together and now I realise I can indeed be an FA. I have always had anger issues cos I hate injustice yet I cant calmly address issues until I cant hold it in anymore and explode! I feel so seen by you now and I know I can get better (I’m 38 now). Thank you!! 🙏🏻
I can’t stand my family for doing this to me. I won’t even talk to them now. Cuz if you can’t handle the truth then we cannot have an authentic relationship. They don’t care enough about me to change. They would rather maintain some sort of pseudo control and dismiss me as crazy. So done. I would like to work on expressing my boundaries. I have witnessed myself gettting choked up when I even try to express discontent in a calm way. It so difficult for me to set boundaries and express anger in any way.
Omg!! I was also diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder as a child also! Everything you say has been hitting the nail on the head. I’ve been able to not only find clarity and practical steps that helped my FA attachment style from your video as well as a lot of comfort from your compassion none judgmental approach and authenticity, I just love you. You feel like a friend whom I’ve always want and need to have. Thank you.
Months of fruitless therapy being told to give my anger a hug, should have just watched some RUclips 🙈 I needed way deeper insight on the issue than that. Thank you 🙏🏼
This makes sense to me! *I was told when very young that I had a 'bad temper' and was taught to repress my anger. I felt I had to SWALLOW my anger. That anger builds and then can become a volcano and because it then becomes too much to HANDLE - and then very difficult to 'regulate'.
Express your anger by flipping off your boss
This is absolute gold, and pretty much exactly what I've been seeing from the FA people around me. As a secure non-FA, it sucks to be on the receiving end of, but I figured there was something like this happening internally for them. So this is helpful. Thank you for detailing this and all the work you do, you're truly excellent at explaining these dynamics.
Dealing with this pretty heavily. I didnt know the connection between FA and how much my healthy anger and aggression were denied to me as a kid, forming a pattern of bottling and then exploding. Thank you 🙏
My conscience doesn't even register anger as an emotion anymore 😅 When I'm feeling angry what I think i'm experiencing is a slight irritation or other similar emotions, but then I blow up and start verbally and loudly vocalize all the things I'm angry about and try to openly resolve conflicts, but even then for some reason I don't think I FEEL angry. My 'avoidant side' tries to suppress any strong emotions and just ignores them, I guess, to feel in control of the situation and/or of myself, so I probably just unconsciously rationalize it away. Thanks for the video, very insightful and helpful! 💚
Also a co-dependent issue. This makes so much sense, thank you!💛👍
Thank you, Heidi, for presenting what is foundational knowledge to help society. I need co-dependents anonymous and clutter anonymous, and courage to approach these groups for healing.
Amazing!! All my life I've struggled with caged anger with my family of origin and more.
I don’t know if I’m a fearful avoidant, but I think I am. I hold back everything and then I let go or I write it down on a piece of paper to get it out but I still fester with it. It has caused many a broken relationship for me. Please keep the videos coming.
As an autistic person who is exploring information on this attachment style, this concept of... suppressing anger to the extent you can get away with it... I've been very avoidant of anger for as far back as I can remember, and for me I think it relates to sensory/processing issues related to my autism. When I am unable to suppress anger, and I have to feel it, really feel it, I don't lash out. I cognitively shut down. Usually, I literally pass out. So despite not having the functional response described in this video... I think it might have the same underpinnings.
This rings so very true for me. Especially, being the scapegoat as a child.
The only catch I have with this strategy towards healing is my fear of confrontation. I absolutely freeze or, usually, explode. No matter how trivial the issue is.
As you’ve said many times, healing is a long road. I’m 63 and just learning about my wounded inner child.
Long ago I took up meditation to deflate the intense, out of control emotions. In doing so I am able to feel my emotions more clearly. But, still struggle with identifying them.
Thank you so much for making these videos for us.
All my childhood my father was downplaying my emotions and acted like he's at work. I never expressed healthily my anger and resentment and now it's gotten to a point where I'm furious about the slightest inconvenience. I also tend to have delayed reactions because of that! I tend to shout about smaller things and get ashamed afterwards, just like you're saying in the video. I also tend to minimise big things that deserve a reaction. I'm in therapy but there's too much to unpack and I want to be magically cured.
Wow. This has been such a relatable and well described experience. The history of being dismissed and pathologized (me angry = me irrational) and the habit of repressing low level anger until I can be sure it’s real (when it’s a 9 or 10) and then the experience of feeling out of body on fire (unable to self-regulate), followed by “oh shit I want the person I’m angry at to help me regulate” … welp. That’s exactly what that is.
For me, it’s that dysregulated frozen place where I’m in a weird disassociative out of body mode that goes cold into a manipulative frame of mind only to ricochet hard minute to minute back into skin-crawling and rage barely kept under the surface. I’m just stuck in the thick of it where I can’t really express the anger fully (because I need the object of my rage to help me regulate) and I go between internal rage at them and waves of intense guilt and self-gaslighting myself - which looks like second-guessing why I’m even upset and this intense confusion for what I actually need or want.
There is no possible way that this just happened to show up in my feed today...Heidi...I don’t have the words to express how much your videos help me, thank you much! I love you! 🧡
Takeaways:
- Your feelings are valid. We can feel it but choose how to act on it.
- It is best to recognize and express anger when it shows up, so it doesn't add up to a point where you can no longer think properly.
- Communicate your boundaries and feelings.
Thank you so much for the video. As an enneagram 1 ENFP, I was calling myself angry, then it evolved to "not know how to manage anger". Now, I can see that we are not that different when we feel something, but how we approach to that feeling. Thank you also for your practical advices :)
I’m also an ENFP. I’ve been told this my whole lyfe too. But I never saw it that way. I think my anger is entirely justified, like she was saying. The only thing I get angry about is injustices or people hurting other people. I’d RATHER be up in arms about that, regardless of whether people say it’s unhealthy or not….
THIS video has been SO helpful Thank you! I HAVE been labeled as someone with extreme anger issues BUT only by family and guys I date. Friends don't see that side of me... because it IS safe to talk to them around boundary violations.
This makes SO much sense. YES, I was the family scapegoat 🥺
I appreciate your channel it is very practical to help raise awareness and take steps to recovery 🙌🏽🙏🏽👊🏽
This month a year ago I started watching your videos and it has changed my life for the better ever since. 💜
I always say there is bitch inside of me that is bitter and resentful because ignoring this part of me stops me from analyzing my actions when I'm angry.
Heidi, I'm so glad I found you. I relate to so much of what you're saying. I had the same relationship with anger as you growing up, and feeling so ashamed for it. the part about family dysfunction and being a scapegoat absolutely, which ending up with me totally shutting out anger as i became an adult, and really believing myself to be an irrationally uncontrollably angry person, and i was scared to push away partners.
This is NOT ONLY for FEARFUL-AVOIDANTS! I have a hunch that suppressing anger often leads to similarly disproportionate eruptions of unexpressed anger regardless of attachment strategy. I'm not FA and I can relate in detail to this video. This feels to me like it could be helpful to anyone who avoids conflict and/or suppresses anger, whether that comes as a reaction to being the target of loved ones' anger (early in life or later) or to being raised/socialized by parents or caregivers who were already chronically suppressing their anger. This is a great video and I look forward to the ones that follow on this topic. Please consider framing them for a broader audience, as I almost didn't watch it because I assumed it wasn't for me (not being FA).
Not every person who has anger issues is a fearful avoidant but every fearful avoidant has anger issues. I think that's the point of the vid.
These were my thoughts as well.
Going through your videos (very new or older like this one), and always very clear, validating and insightful, thank you.
I used to tell myself that anger was pointless because they just didn't know to do differently. It was a fair conclusion from me in the dysfunctional family I grew up in, being at the same time scapegoated and parentified child. The result was that my anger would never surface to my awareness, "too mature" to allow myself "loose" and anyway the arguments would always be distorted, rejected, etc (then you get in a loop of justification).
I however very often felt very sad to the point that tears would suddenly flow "without any reason" on my cheeks, not even sobbing or actively crying.
I only started expressing anger later once i left their place first in intimate relationships and then years after outside, and i'm still working on doing it realtime on low levels and not only when enough is enough.
A statement to the progress is that today my manager made a compliment. I told him my communication style is still too indirect and beating around the bush by times, (and he's a very direct, factual, impatient man), so he replied that not at all, while we're way different, i'm always very honest and transparent when there are issues whether for me or for the sake of the team and i would flag these up to him, including his own behaviours, and that's what he appreciates in me and what made me come so far also in this job.
The comments are a strong reminder that we are unfortunately not alone to share similar childhood and life experiences, but also a testimony that we can heal from these, it's good to see how many of us are sharing experiences. thanks everyone 🥰
I watch your videos and I feel bad about the way I was taught about things but then I feel hopeful that I can be better and help my children through these emotions correctly thank you
I've come to a point in my life where I know my anger is valid and justified. The problem is knowing that if I express anger, the tables will be turned on me because I'm doing something 'wrong' (even though I was provoked) and knowing my feeligns will get ignored after expressing them.
Omg that is so me. You always rnd up as the bad guy. Even if im 1000% right i should not oppose or voice it
I lived with suppressed rage for most of my life. I went to counselling and thought if I expressed my rage somehow that it would burn out like a fire. It didn't. Nor did the breathing exercises or counting to ten. It was only when I learned about CPTSD that the wounds were deep and suppressing that anger was at the root of all my rage. My FA, I believe, also comes from my CPTSD. My increased self awareness has helped me deal better with my anger issues, but the best way I have learned to deal with it is putting in boundaries and putting my needs and wants higher up my list. Therefore, people pleasing and becoming angry because people just use you has diminished.
Always good, always smart. Wish I'd known this stuff when I was young.
Oh my god, this video completely describes me. My dad was a very angry person (not towards me, but in general) and I have always dismissed anger as it being a problem that I was angry at something. I have been depressed for a year and a half and I think it is the realisation that this is the cause that has caused it. I have never lashed out at all, but I definitely feel the guilt at feeling angry at all and even very embarrassed. I feel scared that being angry will push others away and that I’m actually angry for a wrong reason and I’m causing a violent injustice against others.
Great to hear from someone speaking about their own attachment style. I think I may be fearful avoidant also.
And my Ex--we still have great affection for each other but can't be together because it gets abusive, veers into DV, and becomes untenable 😢.
He's been recently open to input. I think he may find this video interesting and hopefully helpful.
I hope it may help me too! 🎉
Dear Heidi,
I would like to hear more about the anger. When does it occur? What is leading to anger? Is frustration also leading to anger? Internal and external sources? Let us gain a detailed look...
You are saving my life. Thanks to you I have realized I am fearful-avoidant. I also love all of your shadow work videos. Thank you for all of your contributions to the world.
What I love about your videos is that you describe the issue, and then you give a way to deal with it in a healthier way. That second part is so helpful and rare. Thank you!
Wow! I relate to the story of how you related to anger. I thought that anger is not a valid emotion because I was often screamed at when I was younger. I promised myself I would never get that angry. But of course, there are situations where anger is appropriate, but I never realized it was appropriate because I gaslighted myself into thinking that anytime I feel anger, it is irrational.
OMFG......I knew I wasn't crazy. Thank you sooooo much 😢😢😢
All i have to say is wow. This hits home
Spot on. And I’m 45 years old now and I now come to the conclusion that I have been the scapegoat for all of my life 😮 and the only thing I can do is to make sure I respond in a different way instead of reacting to something I can’t control or change. I forgive myself and my parents for they don’t know any better. ❤
I have been conscious that I needed to speak up sooner for a while but listenning to you, I reckon I need to work on this again. Now I speak up my anger when it's at a 5 and above so I no longer go out of control but it's still confusing for those around me and unpleasant for me so I will get used to expressing anger at level 1. Thanks Heidi for such an informative and helpful video. 😊❤
Your videos are so helpful. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart! Your videos about CPTSD helped me realize that, in addition to everything you mentioned here, I flashback to traumatic 'injustice' emotions from childhood when I'm angry.
Oh wow, i think you have just expressed the reason why I was diagnosed with depression-anxiety last year. When I went to therapy my therapist was a bit shocked with my anger-repression skills. I dont think I even expressed a 10. I just internalized everything.
My fear of conflict and avoidance of expressing anger comes from witnessing my dad's temper tantrums from a young age. It's like deep down I fear that expressing anything negative could lead to my partner experiencing that same level of terror I felt as a kid. There's always a voice in my head convincing me that whatever the issue is it's not significant enough to bring up and risk conflict. So I just become more resentful until I finally end the relationship when I'm fed up
Nailed it yet again, Heidi.
You are so awesome.
I got 2 minutes in and you'd already described my entire life experience with respect to anger. I'm learning a ton from these attachment videos. What's encouraging is, I have already unconsciously started working on some of these things, and now I have some more specific direction to keep working on them.
I cannot express how healing and validating and welcoming this video and comments have been
“Our caregivers have to teach us how to calm down our nervous systems from anger” me: *shocked pikachu face* wait wut
A long time ago I discovered that 95% of the time I feel angry it’s because in reality I feel sad. A protection mechanism. And to stop this circle, I tried most as possible to show off it, sharing it and being vulnerable with the person who did hurt me. But, the world is not perfect and sometimes it doesn’t work the other one showing no compassion, no understanding and reacting with their ego so in this cas in doesn’t work.
I still carry on because I know this is a true way to stay in contact to the real feeling behind anger which is for me sadness.
I think it is worth considering the experience of person that is the focus of the anger. They have been doing something that they had no clue was a cause of anger, something that in itself might be quite trivial, and one day, completely out of the blue, all hell lets lose.
I remember my wife, in some distress, saying 'what did I do'? when I went nonlinear. She was just as upset as me and the cause would have been so easy to fix long before it became an issue.
Heidi is quite correct to identify this behaviour, which I have both executed as a (mostly) reformed FA and also observed in other FAs. Heidi's strategy does work and is an important step on the way, but the childhood fears are still there, need addressing, and are the catalyst for this behaviour. In my opinion the only way to shake them off is with the help of a compassionate third party who can identify the causes.
Holy crap, I needed to hear this! Sooooo many things clicked into place for me because of this! Thank you SO much got this video!
You are a brilliant Godsend, truly! I've learned more valuable, helpful and useful information from you than from anyone else on my healing journey! Thank you for sharing what you are learning, and caring!
Love your videos, Heidi!!! Thank you so much!!!
Wow. For the first time feeling validated
Thaaaaaank you!!!! 🙏🏼 so so so valuable for me right now with the stuff I‘m dealing with. This is how I feel always. I never explode, I learned already to talk at some point, I can also „run away“ from people… but 90% I always feel that my feelings are not safe or ok to express.
So heartening to hear the very same experiences that were very common in our home.
This just blew my mind! Thank you so much 💗
This has been very helpful on many levels. I am a new subscriber, thank you so much.
You have been so helpful in understanding myself. This is me to a T and I’m so glad there’s an explanation and reason to it
‘Me: don’t express this is too small
Later:Explodes to level 100 followed by deep guilt
Thank you so much for this! It really resonates. I'm so used to suppressing and avoiding my anger, and recently it has started to bubble to the surface which is terrifying. I really want to get better at expressing boundaries when anger arises, this is also terrifying! But what you share has inspired me.
Thank you.
I think I have at times expressed my anger on a low level...
I am aware that my boundaries have not always been strong as sometimes people ignored that and I got to 30 instead of 2/3.
So I defo was definitely holding on to the anger until I exploded...
I have however only done this a few times this year..
I am noe wanting to express my anger to people but I am also trying not to do instant gratification!
I am very grateful 🙏 for you sharing your experience and knowledge.
You inspire me.
Great video. I am realizing that I need to work on this for myself, because it has been eating my heart up.
this is so helpful. I am so thankful that a friend introduced your channel to me.
i've watched most of your videos in just two months and it's been a great resource for me to better understand my emotions.
Thank you so much, I have been struggling exactly with that for the last couple of days.
This was so immensely important for me to hear. Thank you so much for what you are doing, Heidi. I really needed this
Thank you for explaining this!
Great, great approach and content! Thank you from my❤.
Amazing! Sounds and feels like you are right on target! Thank you.
Heidi, you are doing a great job. I would love to do dinner with you and hear more about your journey. Thank you for what you are doing and for taking care of yourself!
Best attachment channel. Discussed drama triangle and the need to stay out of it.
I'm crying at the office from resonating with what you are saying💔
This is incredibly helpful to me!!
Thank you so much for this!! Can you make more fearful avoidant challenges videos? I find them so useful. Also it would be super interesting and helpful to understand how you did your journey from fearful avoidant to secure. It would really really help to understand the steps you took, the challenges you faced, etc. Thank you so so much for making these videos again!!
Well then!!!!! I just had an intense moment last night where I texted a friend - whom I didn’t want to bother her while she was on vacation - that I was very much feeling like I wanted to explode with a bunch of f-bombs. I am this attachment style (or disorganized) and I very much have boundary issues and problems with stuffing all of my “negative” emotions, including but most especially, anger.
It has made me ill and it has gotten worse over the pst year. I’m 48. I bare the brunt of the relational and emotional load of my family and I’m not a secure attachment. I have a 17, 14 and soon 10 year old. I very much hope to find a therapist who can help me through my anger and emotional challenges.
Thank you for making this video.
Soooo great. Thank you.🎉🎉
It’s interesting how much I can relate to all of this despite never having been scape goated seriously. I also feel like I’ve rarely had 10/10 explosive blow ups (I can think of 1). But the underlying idea of not expressing anger on the smaller scales and avoidance of anger and the idea that it’s a bad thing to do all rings true. So does not setting boundaries. I definitely grew up in a household where boundaries would have been seen as cold or uncaring or unloving in some sense. The enmeshed household is the loving household lol. But my parents really did lack most of the blame and scolding and invalidating most of the time thankfully. Still it did a lot of damage still. I think I grew up thinking that those who had strong boundaries were weird, cold, scary people. Someone who tells you you’ve done something they don’t like often or quickly when it’s a “small” thing would have put me off them made me feel bad about myself etc etc. instead of just them expressing their needs and boundaries healthily I would have seen them as prickly and someone to stay away from. Because of course healthy means having no needs, boundaries and just being chill all the time. 😅😂
Man, this resonates with me, my issue as an avoidant is I'm not offended by things that are said to me until i have about 36 hours to compute what was said to me and than it feels weird bringing it up that I'm angry about it because its a day and a half later.
Having a fearful-avoidant as a partner, I see the issue at a different core point. The perspective towards life. I see a very riggid idea on how things should be and thus a lot of triggers that can provoke anger where another more ballanced person would just brush it off and move on with their life. The solution can not be to express more often/loudly anger. The fearful-avoident, even if not conciously aware, tends to express more than average their displeasure and tends to already be perceived as controling. Instead the fearful-avoidant needs to learn that people have different perspectives and priorities towards life, as well as different ways of expressing themselves. They need to take more responsibility for themselves in this regard, as being aware that they are often the ones setting the goal posts for others, usually without consent/full support from their partner. For example they might want the dishwasher to be filled up in a certain way and they take it as a personal offence if the partner does not follow this "demand". Yes, we all should be able to bring in our ideas on how things should work in a relationship, however, the fearful-avoidant is lacking humbleness/tollerance/understanding/resiliance in this regard. Often simply not aware, that life goes on without major issues if their overly rigid expectations are not met. To express it differently, they get hung up on minor details and loose the bigger picture in that.
Thank you Heidi for your transparency. 💜
I think one thing that I have realized over the years is that it's not just these patterns. Psychology calls it temperament, some call it core essence, Taoists call it prenatal Qi, but it is the physical body you've been handed to some extent, but it's more than that too. When you have kids you can see it. It's right when they come out and it does leave it's signature throughout the taking on of the "post natal" Qi of your life circumstances. Some people are naturally more angry.. they just are. My 8 year old son was super sensitive immediately, he's become more anxious due to some issues and this sensitivity, but he'd be aware of any new person walking into a room of several from like 25-50 ft away, very sensitive to other things, sounds etc. he has perfect pitch.. it's wild. My daughter, 5, is more hot, she's very athletically built and has a lot of anger that comes out more naturally.
I've read some literature that claims that people have dominant organs. I think this is more true than we'd like to believe. The easiest to see is the adrenals in dominance. Fight or flight and adrenaline junkies, most of them have a certain aggression, I have this part too, but it's a little more balanced out for some reason. They have a certain personality based on the aggression caused by the dominance of the adrenals. Was it their upbringing? or was it their body? Other organs in there have different influences, but there is this complex interplay between all this that is so interesting. Can I accept that I have this aggression that is slow burning to explosion? Other people have it different, shorter fuse, smaller bursts different organs. They are the quicker ones on the soccer fields, quicker, deceptive, manipulative, quick to anger, to a 4-5. The others are aggressive, super focused, slow to anger, but it builds to explosion 8-10. Just watch, you can see and tell. The entire build of the body is different, partly because of which organs are dominant. This is the lineage we inherit per-natally, and then our life circumstances come into play, but at root this temperament plays a big role.
www.drberg.com/blog/adrenal-body-type-fix Here's one I found in a quick search, this is not what I had read previously, but even reading this you can see a pattern that develops. The adrenals kick, one gets angry, one doesn't get the response one wants, they kick again... over decades this causes some issues, your body in fact becomes resistant to cortisol.. "Your cells can be overloaded with cortisol when you’re in a chronic state of stress, causing your cortisol receptors to downgrade or become resistant-essentially becoming numb to the effects of normal cortisol levels." That's why the body becomes conditioned to need a 8-10 on the anger scale to even react. The body keeps score... yes it does. This would indicate a daily practice of relaxing would be very helpful.
I have to confess, anger has probably always been the most difficult emotion for me. I had thought I was afraid of anger, my own, and that of others, until I was 27. My parents would have screaming matches, and then when my dad moved out my mom took her anger at my dad out on me. Even before that, from an early age I learned that the most effective strategy was to just stand stock still until it was over and she would walk away in frustration because I was giving her nothing to work with. If I did slip up and betray some emotion that would start the next diatribe on the failure of character that demonstrated to her. I made myself even more unpopular by refusing to choose sides between her and my dad.... being the only male left in the house, I became the scapegoat.
I became extremely angry, but I did't even realize until later that my earlier strategy made me go into a kind of paralysis if I got really angry.... but I could also just snap. Mostly I just said mean things to people, but I also tried to do things that would invite people to pick on me so I would have a reason to get into fights with them. But it never worked, because apparently, I was scary. 😅 I didn't want to be that person any more, so I buried my anger, but I was also seriously depressed.
I still remember this time years later I was saying something and this girl I was friends with got really angry with me saying, "well I don't believe that!" It stopped me cold and I realized that I didn't really believe what I was saying either, and in fact I was depressing myself because I was pulled a long by the inertia of my own thoughts. Her anger woke me up, and it was liberating to realize that there were other possibilities. So I just sat there overjoyed and grinning, and all I could say was "really?" I'll never forget that moment, and even now that is still my gold standard for the expression of anger. I"m still not sure if I've achieved that yet, but maybe I have and not realized it. When I do let it out, I'm often surprised that other people will come to my side, even if I don't seem to reach the person I'm trying to. I still can't say its helped me with boundaries however, even if I can have all of the right conversations. I've found I still tend to freeze in response to anger. It shuts me down and I'll just flinch and say "sorry". But if I'm pushed beyond a certain point, then its like a switch flips and I respond in kind.
I don't think my anger is dangerous anymore, if it ever was. But that's kind of it. If you even wonder, you don't want to find out.
I feel like I just exhaled for the first time listening to this- especially when you mentioned the connection to the family scapegoat role.
Can you also do a video on how to deal with your anger gettint ignored/dismissed (essentially being gaslighted by the oerson that you're angry with)