Stephan Pendarvis There's more to it than that, but correct in a simple way. And if we spot it in others, that means it is possible in yourself. Not to worry, though. Just take this into private contemplation (like at home) and see what your part in it is. They might say, "You always do this," or "You called me ten times yesterday" when you only called twice. They exaggerate and go to extremes when the situation is not like that at all. They might say "I just lost a big client and it is all your fault." In such a case you can rightly and politely ask, "what did I do and how can I make it better?" If they get flustered and walk away, let it go. It is their problem. If they give you a list, no matter how angrily or violently (except physically), write it down calmly and review it with them. "Okay, I didn't get you that folder that day (because you asked for it at 5:00 p.m. and closed up when I came with it 2 minutes later and you said "leave it on my desk.") And I didn't get your client a coffee yesterday (because the machine was broken down.) And I didn't give you the copy of the budget. (because the Copier Repair man didn't come again when we called twice.) And I didn't arrange for a tour. (okay, yes that was my doing. I should have asked if you wanted to invite him around.) One time I was taken to task by a boss at a grocery who was known to throw his weight around a bit. He accused me, "One of our customers complained you left your cash register when there were people in line." "You're right; I did. The customer needed this item, and I knew where it was. It was quicker for me to get it than to wait to call someone in Stock to come up, find out, go back and get, and return to the front. I did it to serve customers better." He saw the sense in that and dropped it.
Stephan Pendarvis i like this. Im too nice...but im scared of a friends revenge if i stray. She treats me like a dog ...im not a victim..i just dont know how to get out
Teaching ACCOUNTABILITY to children can help all of this. “I made a mistake” used to be hard for me to say because I thought people would laugh at me... but I’ve grown up now
I always thought that me being a good person meant I always had to be right, and that I couldn’t ever do anything to cause anyone to dislike me or be ‘mad’ at me…once I realized that I do indeed fuck up/make mistakes, and would admit it to myself and others, it’s like I set myself free. It’s so ok to make mistakes, it’s owning up to them and working on correcting those faults that determines your character.
My understanding based on primate studies is that when someone is self-determining they have less stress response, less conflict, and are happier. When someone is heavily stressed neurological function drops and they're more likely to focus on injustices because they psychologically have more to lose (proportionally). I grew up with a 'high conflict' mother. She had been through a lot and just got locked into being a nasty piece of work all the time. Honestly after being trapped in a house with her for a decade I took on a lot of the same characteristics. I still have to stop myself from treating arguments as a kind of battle, because with her it was never about the actual argument. I spend years arguing points with her until I finally realized it was never about the topic at hand. Instead it was about her exerting some control after life took a lot of control away from her. The problem is that means people like that argue with themselves rather than others, so the only way to derail their yelling is to shock them out of it. I still have to watch myself because after a decade of training in emotional warfare, I reflexively respond to conflict by determining what makes my opponent tick and figuring out how to tear apart whatever they care about most. Then I think better of it because I remember that monsters aren't born, they're made. I'll be damned if I pass this particular curse on. So that's the main thing I take issue with here. High-conflict people can be permanently stuck that way, but they never truly started that way. They lost a fight long ago that they just wont stop fighting. Calling it a personality type makes it sound like it's not something that anyone can be pushed into, but it is.
You raise some excellent points Compassionate Curmudgeon. Having grown up with a "high conflict" father, I know that game well. For someone with our training, there is a temptation to be a hare-trigger sniper in response to ordinary conflict. If two people are both like this, they either run in opposite directions or see if they could completely change their respective personalities. I have no idea if the latter is indeed possible. Are you sure that you are no longer one of us?
There are no wrong questions, Compassionate Curmudgeon. I was joking about the complete personality changes. This would make sense if you knew the long history of idiocy I had in mind. It sounds as if you are confident in your progress. Your analogies seem wise. What do you do when someone makes you angry? Yoga breathing?
Honestly I'm pretty difficult to rattle at this point. I've armed myself with knowledge and I know how to twist it to my benefit. For example: humans consistently overestimate loss in economic studies. In those studies it comes out close to needing to gain 2 dollars to emotionally cancel out losing 1 dollar. (this is the verified part) I then just extend that past what science has actually justified. It seems to me that humans always overestimate loss at the time of the negative event. Say some jerk cuts you off in traffic, this causes you no real harm but it feels urgent and personal, like they are deliberately making you late. Of course one car length worth of time doesn't matter, but it can still lead to stress and frustration which in turn do actually harm your health. Essentially the medicine we give ourselves in the moment is often poison and we gleefully down it without a second thought. Whether or not that thought is actually true it has proven useful to me. I always question my anger before expressing it. And don't get me wrong, I still have anger. If it still persists then my emergency conversation eject button is just holding the subject of my anger in such contempt that they're not even worth my time. I'll usually then circle back around to thinking about the object of my frustration later and decide what I actually should do. Maybe after listening to Small Things to a Giant by Daveed Diggs :) (ruclips.net/video/Yifg3RyrEso/видео.html)
@@compassionatecurmudgeon7025 It seems like we also might apply overestimations of loss after actual conflict and loss in adult life and in more prolonged ways. This can be limiting. I may have done it myself. In my case, thankfully, these things have largely faded into the background.
Stay away from anyone who never holds themselves accountable. It is always and forever a lose/lose situation. You can call them narcissist, vulnerable narcissist, borderline, or whatever you want, but anyone who plays a perpetual victim needs to be cut out of your life entirely. You cannot help them, and will lose yourself trying.
@@NotoriousHighBP I'm doubting if my mother has a victim complex... I'm trying to be less passive and more assertive, and her response to the softer and minimal critique is "I can't do anything right / So I've failed as usual". I've even told her "I'll shut my comments if they're hurting you (hello again, passive mood!)", and she has asked me for continuing the critiques/feedback, but it's just exhausting hearing her later sobs, as if I say the big thing. Sometimes I feel I'm the mother and she's the weeping teenager.
How do you cut yourself away from someone when you don’t want to engage in the conflict? Like just distancing or ghosting makes you seem like the asshole and these ppl will say you never even spoke to them about the issue. But if you do speak about it, well then oh you’re just overreacting.
@@Oceaniac … Ideally, you learn to recognize the signs before even allowing a relationship of any kind to develop. As soon as you realize someone is a narcissist (which is what this is really talking about here), simply don’t invest yourself, your emotions, your energy, etc. it’s simply not worth it. If you’re realizing (too late) that you have a narcissist in your life…. Begin by simply reducing or stopping outright putting the effort into the relationship. Narcissists, being self centered people, are rarely the ones who expend the energy of maintaining a relationship, and will soon fade out of your life. At the end of the day…. I really don’t care if they think I’m an A-hole. The important thing to me, is that they won’t be in my life anymore.
Sounds like my mother. It wasn’t until I was in my 40’s, that I realized I wasn’t the cause of all her problems. I have had no contact with her for 3 years and it’s been a blessing in disguise.
What does it take to be accountable? At least in a situation where someone's wrong or you see someone's issue. You just tell then the truth in a tactful way? I dont know for me. I notice people moods and behaviors often times early on my issue is addressing it or being to afraid to say what I feel. If I did I'm curios how people would react. I guess being accountable for yourself would be a good start its just going about it outside of you that's really my issue.
@@OPTIMUMELITE When I go off on the system or the situation it puts people in or when I show sympathy for the criminal that doesn't mean I don't think he or she shouldn't be put in jail. You guys need to understand that you can want justice and demand a better system. I don't understand why when someone complains everyone starts trying to defend it. The system is shit.
It took me so long to realize that one major red flag of avoiding responsibility is someone who calls everything a “misunderstanding” instead of saying “I’m sorry.” Then, there are those who apologize just to shut you up and you may not figure out their manipulation because you still have something they want until the day you don’t and you realize they are saying whatever you want to hear to avoid true responsibility and avoid change. Such deep lessons. I am very grateful to share with you all.
I was married to a toxic borderline wife for seven years. She was exactly as confrontational as you described in the video, but BPD cranks that to 11. While we were married, literally every single decision was a battle of wits. And believe me, you can’t win those battles ever. You either go along, or try to do it your way, and when the slightest mishap happens, you get “told you so” to death. While we married, just like you mentioned, she was in Controlling mode. But when I finally had enough and put an end to it, she turned right into Destruction mode. And boy oh boy, you don’t wanna see what that looks like. I really wish I knew all this back when I met her. I was younger, and very emotionally immature. The thing is, the signs are all there from day one, but we just choose to ignore them. Thanks for the great insights!
It’s impossible to completely avoid high conflict people. They may be neighbors or co worker, but everything he said about managing YOUR interactions with them is so so good.
@@zufalllx Please give us your tips. High conflict people just about ran me into the ground. I have trouble spotting them until it’s too late and they’re blowing steam at their ears and turning red. Kind people do not deserve high conflict behavior. Serious power plays there. Your comment gives me hope.
@@blueskies773 "Transactional Analysis" gives a good insight into these behaviors. Especially Karpman's "Drama Triangle", and Eric Berne's book "Games People Play".
The saddest part to me is that as he stated; they’ll always lack insight on how abrasive their behavior is. And that will lead to so much more heartache from not being able to create and sustain meaningful relationships because nothing will ever be their fault in their eyes. They’ll continue to push others away and not understand why. So sad.
That’s not true, because I feel like I am like this and am trying to better myself. Unfortunately, I think I got this from my mother who raised me to think like this. But it’s not a fun way to be.
They are "epiphany-less' people. They will never have that, "Oh!" moment when they get it. It is always, "If the world just gives me what I want". I call them 'broken people'. You just can't fix them, only learn to deal with them.
The biggest lesson I learned is when you meet someone who doesn't take responsibility for their actions get away from them. They'll go to extreme lengths to make you out to be the bad guy or woman. And you'll be the only one that has to pick up the pieces from that relationship. It's going to be a long time before you get back to being yourself.
Keep in mind that they're human too. We all make mistakes, and certain personality types can be extremely draining. But if you give people space, you can coexist. Like the video says, just don't be their closest coworker. Give them space and treat them fairly... and expect the occasional explosion. Sometimes you just get the popcorn out and say to yourself in your head, "Here we go again."
When dealing with high conflict people, you must stay consistent in your behavior when interacting with them. Once they see an inconsistency, an opening, they go for the throat.
@@johnc1280 Be predictable so they don't see you as a threat. Voice - same pitch, volume and pace. Body - same posture, hand gestures, and way of moving. Face - same kind of expressions, eye contact, etc.
@@johnc1280 A lack of consistency, quite simply. As with kids, the house rules must not change. Once you start varying them, they will be quick to point it out. Same with adults. I said no yesterday, today I say no, and tomorrow it will be no again. Like that.
actually if you listen to his video. it looks like everyone is like that and these kind of behavior are being encouraged much in corporate environment. So it's very natural to act that way. better is to have awarness and observe and let it pass. meditation 👍👍
Yeah I was abused as a kid and blamed for causing the abuse. Took that perspective out into my adult life and it hasn't gotten me very far. I have to blame my parents because it was their fault for what happened and how they convinced it was my fault. What I don't need to do is have those people in my life and carry on that cycle of abuse. I can change because I can take responsibility for my life from here on forward.
@@Kid_Ikaris sounds similar to my story. getting out is the best thing I ever did. realizing I have cPTSD from childhood and doing all this therapy sucks big but I finally feel like I have a life again and that's worth it already
Same here …all I wanted was someone to say I hear you and yes it was wrong, but I never got that ever. I stayed stuck and repeated the behaviors. I didn’t want to destroy anyone though. I thank my friends that stuck by me and gave me their ear. I wish they would’ve knocked me off the merry go round sooner with some brutal honesty….my friend said she tried.
Good luck with your continued growth! It isn't easy being honest with yourself so it's a big deal that you should be proud of for overcoming that challenge
I watched this video because I’m trying to figure out things about myself. I want to know how I affect other people. I keep trying to change the people around me and I’m starting to think it’s me…. This is humbling and helpful
Please don’t try to change people no matter how much you dislike their life or choices. I have a mother who’s life’s mission is to make me a mouse just like her. She fails miserably. I just kicked her out of my house today (she’s 84) for bullying my lifestyle once again.
Clicked on this as I'm high conflict and wanted to see if it accurately described my personality. Scary, described me 100% accurately. I mean, I manage it now (else I wouldn't be able to even admit it) but I still witness it internally. The 4 descriptors are spot on, and I would blame my wife, or anyone in authority. Lived like that for over 20 years. It's almost impossible to break out of, but for anyone thinking of trying then you are already 90% there because to think of changing means you admit you are this person which is the most difficult step. And the process you use to slowly improve day by day is to recognize that you are not your thoughts, your emotions, you are not your ego; you are the awareness, the witness. I know, it's kind of reassigning the blame (again!) but it is internal and it works. Eventually over time you learn to watch and observe the rage flare up, sometimes spot it in advance, and if you can pause and watch it then it will dissolve...slowly at first, but more quickly as you get better. And don't give up if you fail (you will) every failure is a chance to rerun and witness the emotion in your mind, and imagine yourself just watching the emotion next time. It will take time, I'm talking months and years, not weeks. Just remember that the Ego is a powerful self defense mechanism, and the subconscious emotions have evolved over millions of years for your survival - for your line to have survived this far. It's just that they are no longer needed today, so you have to learn to let them play out (but just don't give them access to your voice or motor functions!!) To anyone else reading this, obviously don't outwardly give this person sympathy...(I can tell you first hand that this is rocket fuel to the ego!) But internally just know that this person is to a degree completely lost and a complete slave to these automatic processes. It can be very hard for you to understand, because you are in perfect control. But they are not, they literally have no self control.
The worst managers are the people who didn't earn the position. There is not a damn thing pushing them to be a better person. That was they're corrupt parents' job; but if they get it from their parents, then...
Exactly, and when the so called “higher powers” in the company or wherever are enablers of this behaviour its a no win situation. What comes around, goes around, everyone has their day. Just a matter of time.
Sounds like my father. Took me years to realize it wasn't my personal fault for his behavior, but I've learned to keep him at arm's distance. Now it's like he kind of regrets his explosive temper, which is nice. Took about 25 years.
I'm where you were before you kept him at arm's length. My dad has an extreme tendency to blame everyone for everything and nothing. I live in India and in a joint family, where it's a taboo to move out or keep my parent at an arm's length. Worst of all, he had a stroke earlier this year, lost more control of anger and it's a hell of a mess. Glad you got out of it.
"Don't tell them that you think that (they're high conflict people)" it's sooo tempting to tell them exactly what they are but he's right, it doesn't help, you're just pouring more fuel into the fire at that point.
This is actual very good advice, and very concise. I met a 'friend' who I thought was lovely, but I had doubts when she started telling me about all her conflicts with neighbours, which was never her fault. We always have to be on alert to this.
Congratulations on picking up that red flag early on! In the past I'd have given that sort of chat the benefit of the doubt and tried to find a compromise. Now I'd take the advice in the video and avoid getting close, or start making more space to recover. No-contact seems to be the ideal, if it's an option, but there are people like this everywhere. His suggestion of "Yes, that's very interesting. I have to go now", seems like a sensible exit plan.
There are no "goods" here...just pseudoscience written and performed by propagandists with agendas. This is junk and if you believe what he's saying without taking mental illness and other afflictions like poverty into account then you've been duped.
@@maultheworld8326 Is this what you do when you're bored on the crapper? Just troll people to start fights and elicit emotional reactions? Your gaslighting is blatantly obvious. Please stop. Take some time to think about the ridiculousness of your actions. Try to understand how foolish you look right now. It's quite pitiful to see you embarrass yourself like this and I truly hope nobody falls for your stupidity.
I am the high conflict person. I don't mean to be this way but I feel I have to talk about things that bother me and I tend to confront people for the smallest things. It really took a toll on my personal relationships. I'm working with my therapist to improve myself and I hope I can be a normal, happy person that people wanna be with.
I don’t think talking about how things make you feel make you “high conflict.” It’s the inability to take accountability for your role in an interaction or even your own life. Now it’s true that not every little thing is worth a discussion, but suppressing your feelings is also not the way.
my dad was like that, my first 18 yrs were total hell because of him, now i don't just hate & avoid conflict, i get anxiety attacks over it, it's one big reason i left the workforce, too many narcissists & conflict loving people that i couldn't deal with, & i just always got bullied by them, and ran away instead of sticking up for myself
I love you! You literally just described my stepdad and my life. These high conflict people. Gravitate towards us empathic people, because we have a lot to give to an organization and a family unit. High conflict people actually stay away from vampires. Thank you for holding your space and avoiding these people and not letting them have any of your energy many many blessings to you
My dad is the same. I'm currently in the workforce and i completely understand the issues you've mentioned. The sad part is that I'm back home with my parents now due to the pandemic and... I can't wait to leave again. It's very very difficult.
You get anxiety attacks because your body and mind have concluded that the "flight" response is your choice. The behavior of your father and former coworkers/co-students most certainly contributed but, you have to defeat your anxiety by taking it on head first, and stop coming up with excuses to lose control. I sympathize. I too suffer from anxiety, but being bullied when I was younger, and then turning the tables and bullying the bullies to stick up for who I called "the comic book kids"...those things taught me that the "fight" response in me overpowered my anxiety. I am afraid of heights, but I still ride rollercoasters and I've jumped out of planes. You're stronger than you think.
It is my brother, and it was my parents, as well. When I got old enough to be around other people, I began to see what simple good will looked like. It looked like a much better idea to me. But some people are afraid to make that choice, and it’s best to keep some distance from them. It’s been my experience that they do not change.
I’ve had high conflict employees. It’s a no win situation because you have to coach them when their behavior has a negative affect on the work environment and once you coach them, no matter how kindly, they resent you and demonize you.
@@JadedEvan I’m learning to pick my battles. If an employee is constantly causing problems I ask them if they feel the job is the right fit for them. They generally straighten out or leave. Either way, problem solved.
I have had a high conflict manager in my previous position. It was awful. She has no experience managing people which is one thing, but always a short temper, never apologized for her mistakes and I couldn't talk back because anything I said to justify what I did was an "excuse." I never once reported her to the senior manager and I regret it.
The line, "that's so interesting!" is perfect for many situations. Getting away from these people, getting away from the office gossips, getting away from any conversation that you are not interested in.
@@alexoolau They may be book smart or low IQ, but they are all emotionally retarded. See Genesis 3:15 and PSalm 58:3-5 KJV for a more accurate description of these people.
What about the high conflict person who is more stealth- the covert narcissist. They are toxic with their passive aggressive behavior. Frequently tearing people down, gossiping about friends, co-workers, family members, partners, anyone close enough to share personal info. They are also cheaters and liars. They tend to gaslight and triangulate, hoping for reactions. They appear reserved, calm, in control, and sometimes shy/harmless. Ugh, they are the ones I truly want to avoid at all costs!
That's why you need the stable mind. A mind that does not shake by external situations. It's all about practice. Just practice being unshakable always. Don't use emotions with most people. Keep it for the sweetest one's.
I came back here just to give tips on how to deal with narcissistic or psychos. The thing most important is that we sensitive people take situations too seriously. That's why we use terms like light or on a lighter note etc. What that lightness means is to keep your mind light. It must fly through difficult situations. You can use comedy or meditation to make your mind light whenever in touch with a narc. Next, remember that we were trained to use emotions like anger, fear and hatred mostly. This must change instead use other light emotions which aren't harmful. Also don't think extremely in any situation. Try to be in the middle (not extremely happy nor extremely fearful nor extremely sad pr extremely doubtful) that is where it is the most safe from all evil. Next, whenever anyone hurts you or you come to know that anyone has cheated you badly immediately go to a safe space where you have to breathe deeply and make your mind as light as possible. Then try to remove the emotions like hatred and anger totally immediately. Like you imagine taking the roots of that emotion from yourself and your mind. In this way you have for the first time dealt with extreme evil through your intelligence. Wait for five to twenty minutes in this space of peace and nothingness. You will be amazed by your own strength. I started doing this after using several techniques and finally I found this the most positive and real and working technique. Then on that particular day throughout you won't feel any fear, anger or sadness. It is the first step where you master your mind completely in those five minutes. Next, use another focus like work or hobby to get away from situations and move to a cool zone of productivity. Here almost all emotions cease to exist and you become one with life. You can forget all bad situations and people while you are focussing and toiling on a work say from nine am to six pm each day. This way you train to use life to your advantage. Next, try to move away from stealth narcs once they reveal themselves. Try to use the calming technique with all situations in that way you are always ready with the stable mind without the need to use emotions. Stop using all bad emotions. And be away from such negative people. Next, try not to be always in your head where you think yourself against the situation or the world. We learn to simply get inside our heads and start living in an unreal world of negativity where we think too much how each situation is effecting us. Instead try to use intelligence to stop thinking too much everytime you feel that you have started to think un-wantedly. Trust me our minds are powerful and can spot that sort of thinking. In this way you are free from always thinking about yourself. You can focus on work or try to help others like you. Try to be light always. Smile and enjoy your life. You will amazed that you will find sweet people and also how strong you are deep inside. The world is sweet and you must enjoy it.
Sorry, one more tip. Never give any value to these high conflict people. They have no worth that's why they try to hurt others. Stop responding to most people in old ways like lightning responses. Instead wait and think if you really have to respond and then come up with some quick intelligence. Always imagine that you have the upper hand and become the mature person. Just forgive them and look elsewhere and smile at life and say okay, but now I need to hurry up because I am busy. This one line can disarm them and also keep you far away from emotions. The thing is we respond to most people and that's not needed. Think and act. Use your patience and intelligence always. Also, sometimes you don't even have to respond. Just smile and take a deep breath like as though you are ecstatic. This new method will shift your mind towards inner peace and sweetness. Don't respond to any negative person. They don't deserve it.
High conflict personalities are our bridge to understanding ourselves and weaknesses! They uncover isssues, things we need to change and they are often right when it comes seeing and speaking of issues that others love to ignore or are silent about! Keep your distance, observe and learn. They are a blessing!
I had a ex who was exactly like this dude explained in this video. After 5 years of trying to work it out i decided to just walk away from her. Its been 2 years and i got to know she is with some other guy. May god bless his soul. Amen
@@MartinThePanda i learnt about her in just 3 months..i knew it wont last forever.. still i loved her so i tried for 5yrs.. but yeah it took me 5 years to realize that its better to handle breakup rather handling her personality for rest of my life lol
Was with someone like that. Took me 6 months to leave but it drained so much of my self-esteem. The last straw was when he started talking to someone else and apparently it was my fault for not being agreeable enough. I decided to leave before being cheated on on top of the emotional abuse. Good for you for leaving even after 5 years, no matter how long the relationship is, it s not worth your well-being.
@@everlastingideas8625 true. Even though you love them..whats the point living in such toxic relationship. It may hurt for few days but eventually everyone moves on. :)
People who repeatedly say they “hate drama” is a red flag to me. It usually means *they are the drama* . Every person I’ve met who says that has a high conflict personality. As some one who has no drama in my life with very pleasant and peaceful relationships, “drama” is not something I even think about.
That is exactly what my husband said when we first met. He made a remark about not wanting drama and I fully agreed. 18 years later, it's been nothing but drama and I recently started watching videos about narcissistic people and everything clicked. But he is more than that, if it's possible he is a sociopath and also a psychopath too. He seriously frightens me and I'm too scared to even try leaving because I can hear every threat he ever made to me, our kids and my family.
@@EMRAE_8 In that case, just try to live a separate life as much as possible without getting a formal divorce. It will be beneficial to get some distance. I felt much better since I have stopped arguing with my wife a year ago and live a separate life mentally. Sometimes, it is just much better to be alone. I am more productive in my work and enjoy my time with my children much more.
I've learned that I'm one of those high conflict people, considering the fact that I was related to and befriended one of them. After they've gotten out of my life, it is more quiet and peaceful, and I can't see myself going back to that!
@@doolv671 gonna take a wild guess and say that anyone who self identifies as "zero fux" is _exactly_ the kind of person that has a tendency to irritate people with indifference or apathy to a point of stubbornness. I used to work with a couple- pair of girls who would walk around all day whinging about how "stupid" everyone else was and how it made their day harder for them (like anyone cared). I'm not one to say I'm fully one or the other, but this girl used to _really_ piss me off sometimes because she wasn't taking a serious job as seriously as she should have been and was too arrogant to consider that she wasn't just "above that stuff" that the rest of us had to worry about.
@person1894Y49 full grown adult over here. I use to roll wit the punches till I ran out of fux 2 giv, so ZF it is. Unless the person in front of me actually makes sens.
@person1894Y49 The person doesn't have to make sense to me. I need to hear them out, and even if I disagree, as long as there is some tangible thought process, we're good. But if it feels/sounds like the person is just tryina have the last say, the ZF kicks in.
For those out there who complain about this video not addressing how to change these people, Bill Eddy (the dude in the video) has written extensively about this, one excerpt from him includes: '(...) there is a four-step method developed by the High Conflict Institute in California that is generally effective at calming their behaviour and focusing them on solving problems. This is the CARS Method and it stands for: ■ Connecting with empathy, attention and respect; ■ Analysing options or choices; ■ Responding to misinformation; and ■ Setting limits on inappropriate behaviour.' The Sydney Morning Herald Dealing with high conflict people By Bill Eddy - 13 August 2012 Want to know more? Buy his book.
To be honest though, I would prefer to develop a pill to address this condition, because I feel like this CARS method may actually limit their behavior too much. We still want people to be authentic and to be able to contribute as individuals with unique gifts. I would rather develop a pill that can correct for their chemical excesses and allow them to function as full adults who are not always having to enforce strict limits that often don't really apply in the most important situations and may hamper them from contributing at their life's greatest moments.
I think part of my problems earlier in life were based on the fact that I was overly anxious and basically codependent. I think this lead to me blaming other people who were justifiably uncomfortable with this and assuredly it made relationships even more difficult. Having "enough" stable relationships can be really nice as you don't have to face rejection through trying to exhaustively make everyone like you.
I have a problem with trying to break free from a codependent friend. She thinks we're still close and plays all these mind games on me to maintain overt control while trying hard to be liked and I see through that. I dont know how to tell her that I'm not about this behaviour because of course people wont be conscious of their behaviour until they see it themselves and it's no longer my job to look like the bad guy by being the messenger 🤷♀️
Have an adopted son like this. Learned the same way of dealing with it through a counselor who specializes in personality disorders. It lifted ten tons off my shoulders and made me realize I’m not crazy. I believe our culture is creating people like this.
There are many reasons people become like this. CPTSD, abuse, neglect etc. Also not understanding that their heightened emotional state, doesnt actually represent their true feelings - that they are in a state of dysregulation. Being able to step back, realize you are disregulated and need to get back to calmness is a skill. One people from healthy households learn as a child - but from dysfunctional households every moll hill is a mountain. the crappy childhood fairy helped me to learn about this last puzzle piece. After my strong desire for peace, routines, tackling issues head on, taking responsibility. this was the final piece for me and its helped so much.
He says himself these people won't change. You cannot force them to confront their own behaviour because this will simply start the cycle of blame and abuse. If they are in a position of power you're better off remaining neutral until things become unprofessional and abusive, at which point you either report them to a higher authority or leave. Trying to "fix" them is not an option and will only lead to unnecessary stress. Trying to fight them will, again, only lead to unnecessary conflict and stress, as they will not change. Confrontation and manipulation are their favourite games which is why Bill is advising against falling into their trap.
@Gemma Dann He described features present in more than one personality disorders so this discussion doesn’t have to turn into a high conflict situation my friend lol. Yes there are many symptoms of NPD but as a clinician I can also see a lot of BPD in there as well.
@@therapissed3531 I agree. One difference between the two I have found is that Borderline's will listen to you if you are trusted and approach the subject gently and eventually will want to get better and / or seek help to manage their condition. Narc's will never listen and will never change in my experience because they can never believe someone knows more than them about anything.
@@johnj3577 Don’t get me wrong. I would definitely take working with a client with BPD over NPD any day. I just also have seen and treated some people with BPD who have no long-term interest in changing and regress to the dismay of their loved ones. I don’t have the patience to treat someone with NPD. They resist treatment even when mandated by the court or threatened by a spouse.
Sometimes the problem really is other people to a 100% degree. Blaming others is not always an indication of a problematic personality waiting to dump their hidden problems out on someone else. I think the first criteria of a shifty personality/conflict type is of a bombastic personality which appears like loving kindness with abundant energy but blathering constantly about how wonderful they are. They are concealing quite a lot of hostility.
This is my brother, dudes been married 5 times. Each one was progressively worse than the other. He’s under investigation right now by dfs for child abuse. My mom is mad at me because I have nothing to do with him but he’s just nuts. I did ask her once if he maybe didn’t get enough oxygen as a baby because he doesn’t seem to be working at full capacity. She didn’t like that one
No question you brother's NPD, mine's like that too, mom still defends him when he's able to pull it together for a short time but it doesn't ever last.
I know a person who is actually related to me directly who behaves in this exact manner and that person makes my life more and more and more complicated and sad, depressed, angry, agonized, painful. Its difficult to talk to someone who thinks they are never wrong and its our fault only. We asked that person to get checked by other therapists but they just start to blow up!!
Me and my expartner were two high conflict people, both abused in childhood. I also have bipolar disorder. She has BPD. After everything obviously blew up in the most toxic way possible I've spent 15 months in therapy trying to heal the emotional wounds of the entire thing. I came to terms with my blaming, accepted reality and decided to meet one more time with her to show accountability. I apologized for the pain I caused her with my difficult personality, not looking to get back together, just trying to get closure. She used this apology as an oportunity to insult me and deny that she ever did anything wrong. She kept saying she has never hurt another person and she never will. A quite extreme statement. She proceeded to tell me how she finally found "a real man" and gave a whole speech about how no one will ever be happy with me. She continued to harrass me with mixed messages of love and hate, all while having a new boyfriend. She convinced me we could maybe work on things and then turn around last minute to literally laugh at me. The emotional shock of this is still affecting my relationship skills, since her opinion of me meant a lot in that moment. Then she goes around telling our friends that she loves me and she wishes all the best for me while I try to tell our friends she is a damaging person that I can't have around anymore, since the prolongued emotional abuse causes me panic attacks just by seeing her. To the eyes of most people, she is the mature one who is nice to her ex and I am the crazy one. It is an extremely frustrating place to be in. I had a total breakdown when I saw my close friends defending someone that abused me that. So I got away from anybody who still had her in their lives. Manipulators and liars rule this world for a reason. There are enough good people in the world to waste your time with abusers and their enablers. Just leave. It is the best you can do.
the thing you can take away from this conversation is that you have lost nothing. That you finally got rid of that toxic person and that you know now what you have to look for in a future relationship to avoid toxic people. You really should avoid this expartner and the so called friends who tell you that it's your fault. Maybe you need a new start with new friends or move to a different place if your ex is following you.
Dude I understand exactly. These people are a literal void. There's nothing inside to miss. Whatever person you thought you loved was never really there, sadly. And that's part of the brutal reality of BPD/NPD.
People with BPD are legit crazy-making, with them trying to tell you they never said something when they just said it five minutes ago. There’s no use arguing with them; they can’t stand any shame from ever being wrong, so they have to beat you into submission and make you wrong instead. The one thing that comforted me in all my dealings with a high conflict person with BPD is the aphorism that “lies sprint, the truth runs marathons.” While someone can delude some of your friends some of the time, in the end their real character (or lack thereof) will show through.
@@catc8927 I like that "lies sprint, the Truth runs marathons"...Reminds me of another similar quote by Mark Twain: “A lie can travel around the world and back again while the truth is still lacing up its boots.”
This year so far was spent hermiting, and its been the most growth inspired ive ever experienced, because i was untouchable by outside influence that makes no sense and frankly no value and had the least stress in my life.
My brother is type 1, my father type 2. High-conflict people really have an innate inability of looking at themselves and their responsibility in a situation. When dealing with these kinds of toxic people, it's important to never play their game. Protect yourself or they will steer and dictate your actions.
We've all had this boss, coworker, "friend," partner, etc. This is usually due to a broken relationship with a parent. An explanation but not an excuse.
While all this is true, constructive conflict is good sometimes. Confrontation can help create better relationships and clear our misunderstandings. People who avoid conflict tend to bottle up emotions and have sudden outbursts later. So, don't be a "high"-conflict person but be "talk-it-out" person who isn't afraid of little conflict.
Conflict is a natural part of life but most people hate confrontation and avoid conflict as if there is something wrong with it. I’ve been told I “like conflict” because I don’t suppress it and actively want to deal with situations as they arise so they don’t fester inside me. The majority of people are not like this and would rather get cancer later on life from suppressing all their feelings from every little and large conflict they’ve ever NOT worked through in their lives! If you face conflict head on with effective communication skills and positive intent then it can be a growth opportunity…but most people never will because they are conflict averse and think this is a good and right way to live. It’s not
My mother, she's precisely like that. I'm not blaming her for all of my failures but i can't help but to think "if only my mom was more supportive and caring of me instead of blowing up in my face all the time" *Life's not fair*
Omg I picked up his book at the library this week, best decision ever! So informative and come at the right time. I’m dealing with a HCP right now. I’m feeling more equipped and less burdened. Thank you Eddy!
Sounds like my mother and sister. As a young child, I felt I was to blame for her moods. Took me years to recognize I wasn't responsible for her behaviour.
When things show up in your feed- because your phone listens to your conversations. - however, this was a good one and I needed to hear this. Abusive people don't t see themselves as abusive its always. - "your just not listening". Control is the sneakiest form of abuse.
I had a conflict that went on for several months and I kept a couple close friends up to date, and when I was told that “I haven’t said why I was ‘pissy.’” I told my friend that and her first words were “I’m pretty sure you’ve said that a few times.” I think the main thing that helped was keeping unaffected people in the loop so they could tell me what they saw and either reinforce my observations or try to correct my errors
I seem to be a high-conflict person magnet! It's exhausting, but thank God I somehow play well with them and manage to interact in a way that things don't become conflict, just intense interaction :D Most of the time, these are just broken people trying desperately to hold all the pieces together. Sometimes they've already built themselves and ideals back, but are still combative. Maybe because they don't think they're safe, or because they're afraid of breaking again. At that point, I think it's best to help them come to terms with the fact that suffering is an inherent component of life and that there will never be 100% security. And let them know how well they're doing, and if you do, how much you love and care for their well being. If they've not yet built themselves back, be patient and supportive but solid. Don't sway when they sway. Don't run to one extreme when they do. Stay solid and consistent. It's heavy, but sometimes you become the one consistent and 'secure' thing in their life. If that's too heavy a burden, then take this man's advice and walk away. Maybe come back later? There's no shame in that; that's life. Know your limits and live a quality life!
Now i know why you are a magnet for these people. You listen and respond with alot of explenations . Next time one will talk to you . Just pretend that you trail of in your mind , grab your phone to pretend to make a text but in reality you enter a alarm that sounds like a call . Pick it up when it goes of and walk away from this person for it's a important call.
This is called "fixing" in the parlance of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. It is incumbent upon no victim to fix their abuser. I would sincerely ask anyone so tempted to ask themselves: are you falling under the sway of Battered Person Syndrome or a kind of Stockholm Syndrome? Or, being brutally honest, is there a martyr complex at play? No shame or judgment here, by the way, because I've been and done all of those things. No more. "We are not responsible for rescuing, saving, or healing our parents or siblings who remain mired in family dysfunction. We can detach with love and begin the gradual process of learning about boundaries." Much love, my dear kindred spirit. Keep doing good in the world.
Please examine yourself to discover what you receive from chronically interacting with high-conflict people and priding yourself on managing them. What about you attracts YOU to them?
This discussion reminds me of something I learned as a youngster when dealing with horses. Often when you're leading a horse they may decide not to go in a certain direction. Since they're much bigger, stronger, and heavier - just trying to pull them is a no-win situation. But if you turn them, it gets them moving again and distracts them. Then just keep the turn going until you're back in the direction you originally wanted to go and the horse is usually fine with that. I guess he probably thinks he won the argument. This of course assumes that there is no dangerous situation ahead. These animals are pretty good at not walking themselves into threatening scenarios, no matter what tricks you try on them.
This sounds like a lot of people I know. Sadly, I think I was a high-conflict person when I was younger. I suspect I adopted a lot of those behaviors from people around me. Luckily, I gained some self-perspective and grew out of it.
I grew up with a high conflict mother and unfortunately learned to think like her. I have been putting a lot of effort into not being like that, but I still discover more things that I need to change. The speaker's suggestion that people look out for signs and avoid me altogether hurts. I would much rather prefer that people called me out on it and showed me a better way.
I have a partner who is very high conflict and if I try to call her out on it she just shuts me down, can't bear any form of criticism against her and will not accept responsibility for anything. There is no room for negotiation. The only solution is to get away.
Maybe take the step to talk about it with people you trust. The fact you want to change makes it clear that you don't keep thinking the other is to blame. Ask if they will give you feedback at a moment you are not in conflict, so you can analyse what triggered you and why. A psychologist might also help.
I used to be or perhaps I still am this kind of person. Somewhere within, I am grateful that I am capable of spotting the errors that I have within me without having to require someone else point it for me and this trait happens to be one of them. I’d be beholden if You care enough to drop a few suggestions that might help me improve this particular behaviour. Thank You.
I feel that. I think for me the key is paying attention to people’s actual intentions and avoiding unnecessary conflict. The farther I get away from bs like that the better I am able to recalibrate and reflect on how to proceed in the future. I think also, high self esteem is both a blessing and a curse because you don’t lose confidence to keep going but you are quick to respond as if things aren’t your fault even when they are
Here are a few suggestions: 1.Deep consideration of attention placement coupled with 2.journaling questions to self that you answer honestly via deep observation of self in real life experiences. Ex: (for analyzing your own attention placement via percentages, be honest with self) joe places 95% of his attention on others or objects, what’s problematic about this? (When u pretend it’s someone else you can easily see the problem is joe needs to focus on himself.) Then journal questions that stem from personal intense emotions that triggers reactions of conflict, like, “why did Jane winning the award cause me to experience intense anger?” Or broad questions like “what is manipulation and do I get a thrill from doing it?” Don’t attempt to answer questions right away just keep the truth seeking questions in mind. Journal nightly to see what answers have revealed themselves in your life. Your answers will come as life experiences you reflect on. As you get answers, bc it’s private self work, the embarrassment of admitting personal flaws to others is non existent and there’s space for you to create new reactions. Basically reconditioning your attention/neurological pathways and teaching yourself via questions and deep observation of self to get answers aka personal growth. This will work if you can be honest with yourself and stay present in each moment to deeply observe yourself & get your answers.
@@AsathegoopyPlease excuse me for responding late, I never got notified about the comments. I am grateful for Your suggestion and I will make sure to practice these once having assessed them in a bit more depth and I’ll let You know about the results, Thank You, Temujin.
@@YoungNationWorld Please excuse me for responding late, I never got notified about the comments. I have been able to extract two major suggestions from Your comment one, to keep a journal and be consistent with evaluating the thoughts and emotions I have and two, to be self aware and keep me in a manner mindful that I can let things go and I cannot emphasise enough how grateful I am for Your advice, I will start implementing these and let You know about the results I notice. Thank You!
When you're dealing with a narcissist and you don't know it it may seem like you're a high-conflict person but really you're just trying to handle life with someone who doesn't want to be accountable but they're playing mind games so you become confrontational just saying
Wow, I had a girlfriend that was always seeking conflict and that ended up being what killed the relationship. I used to tell her that she was always seeking conflict. I had no idea it was an actual thing. Glad I got out of that one.
Some people are addicted to drama. Or addicted to anger. Choose category where your ex was. I had a " former" male friend who was calm in our 20's but now in his toxic work environment became angier by the day. Only recently that I discovered he is "addicted to anger." Even in his own words, he says he feels "powerful when he argues or fights for what is right" This " powerful moments" can be: Arguing with somebody Yelling at people while fighting for what is right Or even physical fight. I wish I had read that even many yrs ago, and put our friendship at " arms length" These people will not change. Because they feel " powerful" when they argue or yell at people.
I married a high conflict person. I was always a target of blame, he thought in black and white. Such as he said all blacks are violent and thought of all Mexicans as thugs that stabbed people. I couldn't make him think differently. He also made statements like liberals are idiots. He told me he thinks correctly and other people are wrong. His emotions were out of control. He'd rage over trivial things. He'd fist his hand and pound his chest like a gorrilla and yell "I'm huuuuurrrrrtttttt". He was always hurt it seemed like. He was hurt that I'd dated a Hispanic guy 7 years before I met him and he said I'd betrayed him. He would get angry in the middle of the night and rip the comforter off me and accuse me of not loving him. He couldn't control his anger. Once he kicked and broke a shoe rack, he threw a cup of water on the floor, he'd slam doors, cupboards, and the fridge door. He didn't care that it scared me. These people exist. They deny they have a problem. They say everyone else acts/behaves this way. My reaction was that of being terrified. I was scared as nothing I said or did comforted him. I can't agree with such statements as all blacks being violent so when I disagreed he'd call me a dumb fucking broad. So I became conflict avoidant and shut down. He said I was giving him the silent treatment. From my perspective I was avoiding these horrible episodes. From him I was ignoring him and I was the problem. Regardless, after 5 months of marriage he divorced me. I blame him. He blames me. A therapist told me he has BPD. I agree with that because he had a childhood full of abuse, neglect, and abandonment. I try to understand these people. But really what it comes down to is hurt people hurt people.
Lived thru similar. It gets better; don't be defeated. But be sure to get to the bottom of how you became attracted to such a person in the first place. That must be totally resolved, else you will remain vulnerable to repeating the experience, to an even worse degree, with another person. Best wishes to you, take care.
My dad is like that. I'm saddened and worried both my brothers are going to be like him. One of my brothers is about to have a child and I don't know how to help them.
NathanGChannel I was at a point in my life where I was ready to get married and start a family. He was also eager to get married and start a family. He came across amazing in the beginning. He mirrored all my interests and was super into me! He said he'd wished he'd saved himself for me. He was quick to propose after knowing me 5 months and 1 week. Wow!! I thought finally! A guy who knows what he wants. But that was a red flag. Also being that I wasn't the first woman he proposed to. He assured me his ex was crazy. We spent 5 months planning our wedding and no time getting to know each other. It was quick. I knew him 1 years and 3 weeks when we married at the Ritz Carlton. He said he wanted to give me a fairy tale wedding. Well, 5 weeks after our wedding I got a text message on Christmas Day from my ex and it just said Merry Christmas. I didn't know who it was at the time as it just came up as a phone number. I made the mistake of replying Merry Christmas. My husband at the time found out and he went nuts. He threw my iPhone and shattered it on Christmas Day. He falsely accused me of cheating. After that day things were never the same and I went through fucking tortuous hell with him. He made me feel like I was the worst person on earth. Yes, there were red flags in the beginning that I pushed aside. I regret it. Trust me, I feel terrible that I ended up with a guy who is jealous, controlling, blaming, accusatory, always the victim, history of doing drugs, claimed he was raped, called me horrible names, kicked me out of the house to sleep in my car, and pushed me down the stairs. I blame myself for being so dumb to marry him. Know I will never marry again. I'm terrified of men. My ex hid behind a mask. Nobody would believe the way he treated me behind closed doors. But I'm an honest person and I tell the truth. My ex denies so much of what he said and did and says I make up the stuff. No way. I never had issues with men before. Guys always respected me and trusted me. But my husband showed no respect and no trust. He was moody. He was quick to anger. You can blame me. I was that stupid girl that thought she met her Prince Charming when really I met my worst nightmare.
Exactly. I worked for 8 years for psycho like this. 4 years in I decided to retrain so I could be self emoyed and never have a boss again. It's too much of a gamble. So I used my time there to study and got the hell out.
You might have to make a change. It’s hard but eventually that one person can make you hate your job and really affect your performance making you look like the bad one. Try to document your negative interactions with this person removing your feelings from the equation. So when the time comes to make a move you can notify their superiors of what’s going on. It will help them understand what you are going through and maybe get them to see these signs later plus it keeps the bridge from being burnt. You know this boss is going to try and use a flamethrower on that bridge if they can. This boss will definitely pick another focal point and the cycle will repeat. The documenting of these interactions might even be therapeutic to you and help you deal with it.
I watch this regularly to remind myself to be careful around 2 people in my life. It's easy to let down your guard with family, and the high-conflict people know when you're vulnerable. I just want everyone to be kind and respectful, but that's not going to happen. The "holidays" are a particular danger zone for me, so I'm bracing myself. Thanks for this valuable video.
I used to be the target of a very high-conflict person for a long time. Getting them to realize how conflict-seeking they were has caused them improve a lot. I know it's just an anecdote, but I don't see any other way you could help such a person, so I disagree with not confronting them about it.
I disagree with him about treating people like this in general. If everyone took his advice these people would be basically isolated from any meaningful relationship with another person, and it's not their fault they're high-conflict.
I'd imagine the person who confronts the high-conflict person must have a specific kind of relationship with them, and most people, the target especially, would only cause trouble by trying to do so. What kind of relationship though? I don't know, could you share any more insight into what made this change possible in your case?
seklay Likewise I was as well for many years, and I almost always enabled them rather than confronted them, and it led to disconnecting from them for several years at the height of my sanity tipping point. The stress and damage lingered, and is not completely mended, but we are on far better terms now and there has been progress. Not everyone recovers, but indeed it can be mitigated and ameliorated with proactive socratic reasoning, which unfortunately seems a lacking at least in the CONUS from imbalance with education, to word it mildly.
Sounds like my brother. He put so much effort into displacing me from my family because I married outside of our race that they'll probably never see me again. He coerced them to move to Tennessee to get away from minorities in Orlando back in the 90s. He's always had a couple of allies (that he chews on and yet he can turn them against you) and he's just made the family environment toxic as hell. I left some stuff down there I'd like to have back, but I'm just not going to go get it, cuz he's right there. It's his family to manipulate. It's nobody else's. I'll go get my stuff when he's dead.
"he's just made the family environment toxic as hell"... I have a brother exactly like that, it's NPD, you're smart to stay away from all that until he's no longer around, the stuff isn't worth getting mixed up in all that.
go look up assidic/begood on youtube, put that guy in coma,or place LARGE AMOUNTS OF BAD DRUGS IN his places, you live in russia, just like your dealing with flying monkeys and smear campaign, unlike me,YOU CAN ESCAPE EASY FROM THE SMEAR CAMPAIGN.
It's their right to be angry or happy when it comes to politics... Let's not tangle relationships with the right to comment and criticize, what's wrong and what's right in our society shall we?
@@NFTaddict just because it’s their right doesn’t mean it’s right. Technically I have a right to freedom of speech, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go tell my boss to fuck off.
WOW. As owner of a small business, I just had a transaction with a scrap metal dealer who sold us 5,000 lbs of raw material. He was so friendly and easy to work with until the deal was complete, then he pulled a Jekyll-to-Hyde and launched into sending vulgar, insulting, angry and even threatening emails claiming I owed him more money. Wise to the ways of such people, I replied, keeping it light and seeking in a friendly way to work out a reasonable solution. It only went downhill from there. You have described him with ABSOLUTE PERFECTION and I strongly endorse your advice to not engage on his level or try to confront him with who/what he is: a toxic persona. Bravo Bill, you are right on the money.
One last thing. I find it interesting that about 6.63% of people who have watched this have given it a thumbs down. Precisely in line with the percentage of the general population who live with NPD.
As soon as you realize what kind of person you're dealing with, you need to avoid them as much as possible. Otherwise they will make your life miserable. They are everywhere. Within our families, work, and social settings. Avoid these parasites.
But remember, “don’t try to tell them they are high conflict people”. Okay a religious comment... Jesus said “ The eye is the lamp of the body. If then that lamp is darkness how great is that darkness.” You really can’t do much about someone being blind, just make the observation.
My former boss was like this Even though I was the top employee, this person wanted me gone. So after 1 year of dealing with her, I found a better job and quit. Ripples went through the company about my departure, but I do not care as I am happy again......
For a long time I had such a person in my life and it clearly was a big weight on my shoulders. I severed ties last year. I wish I had found this video 10 years ago.
Of course, what this misses is that “high conflict” people (like my brother and father) may be perfectly sweet… until you trip over something that is core to their beliefs…AND they go ape-sh*t and will not tolerate ANY opinion that challenges their “facts” (even when they - themselves - can’t and don’t want to explain them)
Sounds like my older sisters. Growing up, everytime I voiced my opinion or preference and that didn't match theirs, they would gang up on me either with some aggressive questioning or plain mockery.. I may still be depressed and anxious today but cutting contact with them has brought SO MUCH peace into my life, IT GETS BETTER PEOPLE!
They are brainwashed by the system and refuse to love the truth. They follow comfortable lies and want to keep it that way and resent anyone who tries to wake them up. Part of it is also a PRIDE issue.
This was very insightful. I have a circle of girlfriends and one of them keeps making these small dramas geared towards me. I always just ignore her and think she doesn’t like me which is totally fine. It’s just sometimes you get curious why people act a certain way and how to properly address the person… just ignore them🤷🏻♀️
How interesting I’ve never heard of high conflict personalities before but I have someone in my life that is exactly that and the measures given to avoid being affected is exactly what I do now…I just wish I came across this video a few years back
Josh Hiatt my dad told my cousin I had bpd behind my back but he's probably just saying that because he doesn't like me. Ever since though I've always wondered if there was actually something wrong with me.
Josh Hiatt thanks for the advice 💕 and yeah he said that after a family gathering when I spent most of it crying in the bathroom so that was probably what provoked him.
Yes, fits me just fine. There is no chemical or drug on earth I’ve found to nullify this pattern. Try to add some human and remind everyone I’m insane with a chuckle.
Had a relationship like this. He's right on every point. They will try to destroy you if they can. She told me as much. By the grace of God I was able to finally exit out the relationship. But not after having legal problems because of this person. Learned my lesson just can't be with some people. No matter how much you might care for them.
I’m glad you are out of that relationship Jerry. I hope you are doing a lot better these days. 🙏🏻 I’m in the process of divorce with such a person right now. This is perhaps the lowest point of my life and I’m just hoping to get this divorce over and done with. I need my peace. I truly learned she will never have her peace as she is always finding the next excuse to start up a conflict. It’s unbelievable. It’s like they thrive off of it. They never listen or try to understand from another perspective. Everything is black and white to them. 🤦♂️
Love is not enough. Compatibility is more important. I like to be happy & calm most of the time. Whether it is friendship or romantic relationship, it wont work with me. Because calm people will always be in conflict with angry people. Angry people likes to be angry everyday like an addiction and I have met some of these unhappy people. I should have run first day. But in a romantic relationship, now I am looking for a calm person like me.
I watched this video knowing I'm a high conflict person, every single one of the 4 characteristics you explained describes how I act i hope to better myself with this knowledge thank you🙂
I've heard that sometimes they get elected to high office and then fire off hostile and insulting tweets at all hours of the day and night. Could that really be true?
At least two of those points can be part of a person's autistic traits - all or nothing thinking, and unmanaged emotions. One point not mentioned here, regarding high conflict people, and it is a genuine marker, is those who will not let you get a word in edgeways. They often talk over you, and never let you finish your sentences.
Judging from personal anecdotes you are right but it’s not always the case. The guy I knew that would talk over everyone and make the extroverts feel quiet was high conflict but also impulsive and not very clever. The smarter ones that I was raised with either made a point of seeming cool or weaponised disingenuous kindness. It was more like politics with them. So I think you pointed out a valid aspect but not a universal one
So many of my relationships in the first 20 years of my life were the kind to just talk over me without a second thought that i started to doubt whether I had to follow the same rules as everyone else cause like... nobody would tolerate me talking over them- I'd get lectures or yelled at or ghosted etc, but if I ever so much as mentioned it upset me people would belittle my concerns or just brush it off as insignificant. Or the best of them - not listen and talk over me again. Now since I'm certain I deserve equal treatment, I've literally cut people out of my life after repeated displays of total conversational disrespect like that. And in every one of those cases the person seemed (for the most part) totally oblivious to the fact that i had hard stopped responding to their statements. In some cases I literally said stuff like "well this has sucked, because you're a self absorbed jerk and I'll probably never speak to you again after today" and towards them/loud enough that they could have heard, but I was so sure they weren't even listening it didn't matter.
Just gonna say many people on the spectrum (more toward the high-functioning Asperger’s end) manage their emotions like a true stoic, and are incapable of all or nothing thinking.
Bitterness doesn't vindicate. There's 2 sides to every coin. Why isn't this guy talking about people like you? People that think that a YT video legitimized their side of the story. Just reckless ignorance.
A great insight , this is what we face from trolls/lab-rats(disinfo labs) either paid to argue or some are just preoccupied with blaming others. The best possible solution I guess is to completely ignore such high-conflict individuals that is to give them the silent treatment. Thank you again for yet another great RUclips video from BigThink.
It's great to be able to arm ourselves with this information and pre-empt difficulties IF people would only heed the warnings. The trouble really escalates when we elevate such personalities to positions of power.
Man, I'm pretty emotional sometimes. My bf and I are working things out, but seriously, I need to manage my emotions better. Seeing this honestly helps. Thank you ^_^
Useful tips on this video. Now, we need more videos for people who recognize some of these detrimental traits and want to do better. I find it sad that the immediate response, and recommendation regarding anyone with conflicting personality traits is to shun them. It's almost as if those who "know" someone who fits into these endless descriptions and categories were perfect themselves, so it's always the others, and never them. Quite an interesting era we're living in.
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I call them drama queens and I hate those kind of people they drive me nuts
High conflict ppl are better than hwyt pipo that pretend to be nice but plot, scheme and lie about u behind ur back
Is this directly related to Narcissism?
4-5 % of Adhd prevalence. This category have a different reasoning for either high conflict or conflict avoidant... Its all or nothing.
I am a high conflict mean kitty and my answer is no to your videos
To avoid them...simply let go of ego and don't play their game. Leave the table if the food is undesirable...
Stephan Pendarvis
There's more to it than that, but correct in a simple way.
And if we spot it in others, that means it is possible in yourself. Not to worry, though. Just take this into private contemplation (like at home) and see what your part in it is. They might say, "You always do this," or "You called me ten times yesterday" when you only called twice.
They exaggerate and go to extremes when the situation is not like that at all. They might say "I just lost a big client and it is all your fault."
In such a case you can rightly and politely ask, "what did I do and how can I make it better?" If they get flustered and walk away, let it go. It is their problem. If they give you a list, no matter how angrily or violently (except physically), write it down calmly and review it with them.
"Okay, I didn't get you that folder that day (because you asked for it at 5:00 p.m. and closed up when I came with it 2 minutes later and you said "leave it on my desk.")
And I didn't get your client a coffee yesterday (because the machine was broken down.)
And I didn't give you the copy of the budget. (because the Copier Repair man didn't come again when we called twice.)
And I didn't arrange for a tour. (okay, yes that was my doing. I should have asked if you wanted to invite him around.)
One time I was taken to task by a boss at a grocery who was known to throw his weight around a bit. He accused me, "One of our customers complained you left your cash register when there were people in line."
"You're right; I did. The customer needed this item, and I knew where it was. It was quicker for me to get it than to wait to call someone in Stock to come up, find out, go back and get, and return to the front. I did it to serve customers better."
He saw the sense in that and dropped it.
Just feel sorry for them.
Stephan Pendarvis i like this. Im too nice...but im scared of a friends revenge if i stray. She treats me like a dog ...im not a victim..i just dont know how to get out
ginnyjollykidd exhausting
You think you can just walk away and turn your back on this kind of person? Good luck with that.
Teaching ACCOUNTABILITY to children can help all of this. “I made a mistake” used to be hard for me to say because I thought people would laugh at me... but I’ve grown up now
Narcissists are the source of ALL EVIL and SUFFERING!!! And the compulsive lairs among them NEED to be BRUTALLY-Murdered!!!
@@Human_01 nah
Absolutely true! It’s really sad seeing ADULTS act like this.
Try to teaching accountability to these people……forget about it
I always thought that me being a good person meant I always had to be right, and that I couldn’t ever do anything to cause anyone to dislike me or be ‘mad’ at me…once I realized that I do indeed fuck up/make mistakes, and would admit it to myself and others, it’s like I set myself free. It’s so ok to make mistakes, it’s owning up to them and working on correcting those faults that determines your character.
My understanding based on primate studies is that when someone is self-determining they have less stress response, less conflict, and are happier. When someone is heavily stressed neurological function drops and they're more likely to focus on injustices because they psychologically have more to lose (proportionally).
I grew up with a 'high conflict' mother. She had been through a lot and just got locked into being a nasty piece of work all the time. Honestly after being trapped in a house with her for a decade I took on a lot of the same characteristics. I still have to stop myself from treating arguments as a kind of battle, because with her it was never about the actual argument. I spend years arguing points with her until I finally realized it was never about the topic at hand. Instead it was about her exerting some control after life took a lot of control away from her. The problem is that means people like that argue with themselves rather than others, so the only way to derail their yelling is to shock them out of it.
I still have to watch myself because after a decade of training in emotional warfare, I reflexively respond to conflict by determining what makes my opponent tick and figuring out how to tear apart whatever they care about most. Then I think better of it because I remember that monsters aren't born, they're made. I'll be damned if I pass this particular curse on.
So that's the main thing I take issue with here. High-conflict people can be permanently stuck that way, but they never truly started that way. They lost a fight long ago that they just wont stop fighting. Calling it a personality type makes it sound like it's not something that anyone can be pushed into, but it is.
You raise some excellent points Compassionate Curmudgeon. Having grown up with a "high conflict" father, I know that game well. For someone with our training, there is a temptation to be a hare-trigger sniper in response to ordinary conflict. If two people are both like this, they either run in opposite directions or see if they could completely change their respective personalities. I have no idea if the latter is indeed possible. Are you sure that you are no longer one of us?
There are no wrong questions, Compassionate Curmudgeon. I was joking about the complete personality changes. This would make sense if you knew the long history of idiocy I had in mind.
It sounds as if you are confident in your progress. Your analogies seem wise. What do you do when someone makes you angry? Yoga breathing?
Honestly I'm pretty difficult to rattle at this point. I've armed myself with knowledge and I know how to twist it to my benefit. For example: humans consistently overestimate loss in economic studies. In those studies it comes out close to needing to gain 2 dollars to emotionally cancel out losing 1 dollar. (this is the verified part)
I then just extend that past what science has actually justified. It seems to me that humans always overestimate loss at the time of the negative event. Say some jerk cuts you off in traffic, this causes you no real harm but it feels urgent and personal, like they are deliberately making you late. Of course one car length worth of time doesn't matter, but it can still lead to stress and frustration which in turn do actually harm your health. Essentially the medicine we give ourselves in the moment is often poison and we gleefully down it without a second thought. Whether or not that thought is actually true it has proven useful to me. I always question my anger before expressing it.
And don't get me wrong, I still have anger. If it still persists then my emergency conversation eject button is just holding the subject of my anger in such contempt that they're not even worth my time. I'll usually then circle back around to thinking about the object of my frustration later and decide what I actually should do. Maybe after listening to Small Things to a Giant by Daveed Diggs :) (ruclips.net/video/Yifg3RyrEso/видео.html)
Sounds like you know way more than the guy in the video talking. You should start your own channel.
@@compassionatecurmudgeon7025 It seems like we also might apply overestimations of loss after actual conflict and loss in adult life and in more prolonged ways. This can be limiting. I may have done it myself. In my case, thankfully, these things have largely faded into the background.
Stay away from anyone who never holds themselves accountable. It is always and forever a lose/lose situation. You can call them narcissist, vulnerable narcissist, borderline, or whatever you want, but anyone who plays a perpetual victim needs to be cut out of your life entirely. You cannot help them, and will lose yourself trying.
Underrated piece of advice for sure. People with a victim complex are absolutely exhausting.
Nail on the head
@@NotoriousHighBP I'm doubting if my mother has a victim complex... I'm trying to be less passive and more assertive, and her response to the softer and minimal critique is "I can't do anything right / So I've failed as usual". I've even told her "I'll shut my comments if they're hurting you (hello again, passive mood!)", and she has asked me for continuing the critiques/feedback, but it's just exhausting hearing her later sobs, as if I say the big thing. Sometimes I feel I'm the mother and she's the weeping teenager.
How do you cut yourself away from someone when you don’t want to engage in the conflict? Like just distancing or ghosting makes you seem like the asshole and these ppl will say you never even spoke to them about the issue. But if you do speak about it, well then oh you’re just overreacting.
@@Oceaniac …
Ideally, you learn to recognize the signs before even allowing a relationship of any kind to develop. As soon as you realize someone is a narcissist (which is what this is really talking about here), simply don’t invest yourself, your emotions, your energy, etc. it’s simply not worth it.
If you’re realizing (too late) that you have a narcissist in your life…. Begin by simply reducing or stopping outright putting the effort into the relationship. Narcissists, being self centered people, are rarely the ones who expend the energy of maintaining a relationship, and will soon fade out of your life.
At the end of the day…. I really don’t care if they think I’m an A-hole. The important thing to me, is that they won’t be in my life anymore.
Sounds like my mother. It wasn’t until I was in my 40’s, that I realized I wasn’t the cause of all her problems. I have had no contact with her for 3 years and it’s been a blessing in disguise.
Yes being trapped growing up with someone like this was a living nightmare. Good for you.
Congratulations!
@@yabe1496 Thank you!😆❤️
Same! I cut her off almost a year ago and man is it ever peaceful now!
Seven years for me not sorry either
Lack of personal accountability is what makes a high conflict person a “problem”.
Fully agree. They are not willing to fix themselves but lay their problems on all others.
Not always the case...some of them get beat about the head and still won't stop.
Exactly. Completely unaware of their own destructive behaviora
What does it take to be accountable?
At least in a situation where someone's wrong or you see someone's issue. You just tell then the truth in a tactful way?
I dont know for me. I notice people moods and behaviors often times early on my issue is addressing it or being to afraid to say what I feel. If I did I'm curios how people would react.
I guess being accountable for yourself would be a good start its just going about it outside of you that's really my issue.
@@OPTIMUMELITE When I go off on the system or the situation it puts people in or when I show sympathy for the criminal that doesn't mean I don't think he or she shouldn't be put in jail. You guys need to understand that you can want justice and demand a better system. I don't understand why when someone complains everyone starts trying to defend it. The system is shit.
It took me so long to realize that one major red flag of avoiding responsibility is someone who calls everything a “misunderstanding” instead of saying “I’m sorry.” Then, there are those who apologize just to shut you up and you may not figure out their manipulation because you still have something they want until the day you don’t and you realize they are saying whatever you want to hear to avoid true responsibility and avoid change. Such deep lessons. I am very grateful to share with you all.
You're right.
I was married to a toxic borderline wife for seven years. She was exactly as confrontational as you described in the video, but BPD cranks that to 11. While we were married, literally every single decision was a battle of wits. And believe me, you can’t win those battles ever. You either go along, or try to do it your way, and when the slightest mishap happens, you get “told you so” to death.
While we married, just like you mentioned, she was in Controlling mode. But when I finally had enough and put an end to it, she turned right into Destruction mode. And boy oh boy, you don’t wanna see what that looks like.
I really wish I knew all this back when I met her. I was younger, and very emotionally immature. The thing is, the signs are all there from day one, but we just choose to ignore them.
Thanks for the great insights!
Hope you got away from that viper. My dad was married to one of those and he went to an early grave because of her.
I know how you feel.. i have experienced this.. such people are not treatable..
They're crazy. They argue with you when you're even in agreement with them.
God, yes.
Yup yup yup
😂
it’s so frustrating 😭
Sounds like me with my girlfriend
She’s usually agreeing 😝
It’s impossible to completely avoid high conflict people. They may be neighbors or co worker, but everything he said about managing YOUR interactions with them is so so good.
I disagree with that. I've managed to successfully avoid these people for quite a while. Going on Decades now.
@@zufalllx Please give us your tips. High conflict people just about ran me into the ground. I have trouble spotting them until it’s too late and they’re blowing steam at their ears and turning red. Kind people do not deserve high conflict behavior. Serious power plays there. Your comment gives me hope.
@@blueskies773 "Transactional Analysis" gives a good insight into these behaviors.
Especially Karpman's "Drama Triangle",
and Eric Berne's book "Games People Play".
@@blueskies773 High conflict people = descendants of Cain. Kind people = descendants of Adam.
The saddest part to me is that as he stated; they’ll always lack insight on how abrasive their behavior is. And that will lead to so much more heartache from not being able to create and sustain meaningful relationships because nothing will ever be their fault in their eyes. They’ll continue to push others away and not understand why. So sad.
Right I agree
That is incredibly sad
You cant study people they are too rich with detail
That’s not true, because I feel like I am like this and am trying to better myself. Unfortunately, I think I got this from my mother who raised me to think like this. But it’s not a fun way to be.
They are "epiphany-less' people. They will never have that, "Oh!" moment when they get it. It is always, "If the world just gives me what I want". I call them 'broken people'. You just can't fix them, only learn to deal with them.
The biggest lesson I learned is when you meet someone who doesn't take responsibility for their actions get away from them. They'll go to extreme lengths to make you out to be the bad guy or woman. And you'll be the only one that has to pick up the pieces from that relationship. It's going to be a long time before you get back to being yourself.
Keep in mind that they're human too. We all make mistakes, and certain personality types can be extremely draining. But if you give people space, you can coexist. Like the video says, just don't be their closest coworker. Give them space and treat them fairly... and expect the occasional explosion.
Sometimes you just get the popcorn out and say to yourself in your head, "Here we go again."
@@lostinbravado you were never abused. It's easier to say that. Lucky you.
@@lightworker6298 Agreed. That person is clueless to the machiavellian horror of narcissistic abuse.
When dealing with high conflict people, you must stay consistent in your behavior when interacting with them. Once they see an inconsistency, an opening, they go for the throat.
Like dealing with a toddler, but one big enough to kill you....
Scary!!!
What do you mean an ‘inconsistency’ ?
@@johnc1280 Be predictable so they don't see you as a threat. Voice - same pitch, volume and pace. Body - same posture, hand gestures, and way of moving. Face - same kind of expressions, eye contact, etc.
@@johnc1280 A lack of consistency, quite simply. As with kids, the house rules must not change. Once you start varying them, they will be quick to point it out. Same with adults. I said no yesterday, today I say no, and tomorrow it will be no again. Like that.
I used to be one of these people. Thank God for forgiveness, mediation, self awareness and growth
actually if you listen to his video. it looks like everyone is like that and these kind of behavior are being encouraged much in corporate environment. So it's very natural to act that way. better is to have awarness and observe and let it pass. meditation 👍👍
Yeah I was abused as a kid and blamed for causing the abuse. Took that perspective out into my adult life and it hasn't gotten me very far. I have to blame my parents because it was their fault for what happened and how they convinced it was my fault.
What I don't need to do is have those people in my life and carry on that cycle of abuse. I can change because I can take responsibility for my life from here on forward.
@@Kid_Ikaris sounds similar to my story. getting out is the best thing I ever did. realizing I have cPTSD from childhood and doing all this therapy sucks big but I finally feel like I have a life again and that's worth it already
Same here …all I wanted was someone to say I hear you and yes it was wrong, but I never got that ever. I stayed stuck and repeated the behaviors. I didn’t want to destroy anyone though. I thank my friends that stuck by me and gave me their ear. I wish they would’ve knocked me off the merry go round sooner with some brutal honesty….my friend said she tried.
Good luck with your continued growth! It isn't easy being honest with yourself so it's a big deal that you should be proud of for overcoming that challenge
I watched this video because I’m trying to figure out things about myself. I want to know how I affect other people. I keep trying to change the people around me and I’m starting to think it’s me…. This is humbling and helpful
interesting Best of Luck to you on your Journey
Self awareness is the first step to self improvement 👍🏾
Please don’t try to change people no matter how much you dislike their life or choices. I have a mother who’s life’s mission is to make me a mouse just like her. She fails miserably. I just kicked her out of my house today (she’s 84) for bullying my lifestyle once again.
Well done for acknowledging it...good luck.
Clicked on this as I'm high conflict and wanted to see if it accurately described my personality. Scary, described me 100% accurately. I mean, I manage it now (else I wouldn't be able to even admit it) but I still witness it internally. The 4 descriptors are spot on, and I would blame my wife, or anyone in authority. Lived like that for over 20 years. It's almost impossible to break out of, but for anyone thinking of trying then you are already 90% there because to think of changing means you admit you are this person which is the most difficult step. And the process you use to slowly improve day by day is to recognize that you are not your thoughts, your emotions, you are not your ego; you are the awareness, the witness. I know, it's kind of reassigning the blame (again!) but it is internal and it works. Eventually over time you learn to watch and observe the rage flare up, sometimes spot it in advance, and if you can pause and watch it then it will dissolve...slowly at first, but more quickly as you get better. And don't give up if you fail (you will) every failure is a chance to rerun and witness the emotion in your mind, and imagine yourself just watching the emotion next time. It will take time, I'm talking months and years, not weeks. Just remember that the Ego is a powerful self defense mechanism, and the subconscious emotions have evolved over millions of years for your survival - for your line to have survived this far. It's just that they are no longer needed today, so you have to learn to let them play out (but just don't give them access to your voice or motor functions!!)
To anyone else reading this, obviously don't outwardly give this person sympathy...(I can tell you first hand that this is rocket fuel to the ego!) But internally just know that this person is to a degree completely lost and a complete slave to these automatic processes. It can be very hard for you to understand, because you are in perfect control. But they are not, they literally have no self control.
I have worked with managers like this. It is easy to say don't get close to them but actually it is impossible to avoid them.
I know, they're literally everywhere.
The worst managers are the people who didn't earn the position.
There is not a damn thing pushing them to be a better person. That was they're corrupt parents' job; but if they get it from their parents, then...
Exactly, and when the so called “higher powers” in the company or wherever are enablers of this behaviour its a no win situation. What comes around, goes around, everyone has their day. Just a matter of time.
Sounds like my father. Took me years to realize it wasn't my personal fault for his behavior, but I've learned to keep him at arm's distance. Now it's like he kind of regrets his explosive temper, which is nice. Took about 25 years.
I'm where you were before you kept him at arm's length. My dad has an extreme tendency to blame everyone for everything and nothing. I live in India and in a joint family, where it's a taboo to move out or keep my parent at an arm's length. Worst of all, he had a stroke earlier this year, lost more control of anger and it's a hell of a mess. Glad you got out of it.
I leave when they start their shit
Same, dude!
Same n it hurts
same here
"Don't tell them that you think that (they're high conflict people)" it's sooo tempting to tell them exactly what they are but he's right, it doesn't help, you're just pouring more fuel into the fire at that point.
I know. I want to tell my boss to stop jerking people around and stop meddling in tasks she has no clue about, but she's too petty not to double down.
Indeed, those high conflict features are associated with low IQ as research proven.
but then how do they ever learn?
That's funny, and true.
This is actual very good advice, and very concise. I met a 'friend' who I thought was lovely, but I had doubts when she started telling me about all her conflicts with neighbours, which was never her fault. We always have to be on alert to this.
Congratulations on picking up that red flag early on!
In the past I'd have given that sort of chat the benefit of the doubt and tried to find a compromise. Now I'd take the advice in the video and avoid getting close, or start making more space to recover. No-contact seems to be the ideal, if it's an option, but there are people like this everywhere.
His suggestion of "Yes, that's very interesting. I have to go now", seems like a sensible exit plan.
This is one of the best RUclips videos for the simple fact that you didn’t have to watch 15 minutes of the video to get to the goods!
There are no "goods" here...just pseudoscience written and performed by propagandists with agendas. This is junk and if you believe what he's saying without taking mental illness and other afflictions like poverty into account then you've been duped.
Attention span not that long?
Jay Free 😂😂😂😭 your comment SCREAMS “he’s talking about me so I’m upset and I’m gonna take it out on everyone else”
@@maultheworld8326 That's a pretty shady perspective...not to mention simultaneously naive and arrogant, which is a pretty strange brew.
@@maultheworld8326 Is this what you do when you're bored on the crapper? Just troll people to start fights and elicit emotional reactions? Your gaslighting is blatantly obvious. Please stop. Take some time to think about the ridiculousness of your actions. Try to understand how foolish you look right now. It's quite pitiful to see you embarrass yourself like this and I truly hope nobody falls for your stupidity.
I am the high conflict person. I don't mean to be this way but I feel I have to talk about things that bother me and I tend to confront people for the smallest things. It really took a toll on my personal relationships. I'm working with my therapist to improve myself and I hope I can be a normal, happy person that people wanna be with.
Don't try for "normal". Just go for being your genuine self.
@@mcsmith732 bad advice
I don’t think talking about how things make you feel make you “high conflict.” It’s the inability to take accountability for your role in an interaction or even your own life.
Now it’s true that not every little thing is worth a discussion, but suppressing your feelings is also not the way.
my dad was like that, my first 18 yrs were total hell because of him, now i don't just hate & avoid conflict, i get anxiety attacks over it, it's one big reason i left the workforce, too many narcissists & conflict loving people that i couldn't deal with, & i just always got bullied by them, and ran away instead of sticking up for myself
It's ok to run away and find good people. We're out here too!😁 I decided to have nothing put peace loving people around.
I love you! You literally just described my stepdad and my life. These high conflict people. Gravitate towards us empathic people, because we have a lot to give to an organization and a family unit. High conflict people actually stay away from vampires. Thank you for holding your space and avoiding these people and not letting them have any of your energy many many blessings to you
My dad is the same. I'm currently in the workforce and i completely understand the issues you've mentioned.
The sad part is that I'm back home with my parents now due to the pandemic and... I can't wait to leave again. It's very very difficult.
You get anxiety attacks because your body and mind have concluded that the "flight" response is your choice. The behavior of your father and former coworkers/co-students most certainly contributed but, you have to defeat your anxiety by taking it on head first, and stop coming up with excuses to lose control. I sympathize. I too suffer from anxiety, but being bullied when I was younger, and then turning the tables and bullying the bullies to stick up for who I called "the comic book kids"...those things taught me that the "fight" response in me overpowered my anxiety. I am afraid of heights, but I still ride rollercoasters and I've jumped out of planes. You're stronger than you think.
@@VijSJAAA13 please find a friend or make other arrangements for your own health and safety
It is my brother, and it was my parents, as well. When I got old enough to be around other people, I began to see what simple good will looked like. It looked like a much better idea to me. But some people are afraid to make that choice, and it’s best to keep some distance from them. It’s been my experience that they do not change.
I’ve had high conflict employees. It’s a no win situation because you have to coach them when their behavior has a negative affect on the work environment and once you coach them, no matter how kindly, they resent you and demonize you.
Curious to hear how you solved this problem? I find myself in a situation with employees and would like to know if you found any successful measures
@@JadedEvan I’m learning to pick my battles. If an employee is constantly causing problems I ask them if they feel the job is the right fit for them. They generally straighten out or leave. Either way, problem solved.
I have had a high conflict manager in my previous position. It was awful. She has no experience managing people which is one thing, but always a short temper, never apologized for her mistakes and I couldn't talk back because anything I said to justify what I did was an "excuse." I never once reported her to the senior manager and I regret it.
@@GreenLepidolite
What kind of work/industry is this?
@@tikdoe7563 Jerks are in every industry.
The line, "that's so interesting!" is perfect for many situations. Getting away from these people, getting away from the office gossips, getting away from any conversation that you are not interested in.
Indeed, those high conflict features are associated with low mental ability as research proven. You can not change their mental ability.
I've always liked, "You could be right.""
@@alexoolau They may be book smart or low IQ, but they are all emotionally retarded. See Genesis 3:15 and PSalm 58:3-5 KJV for a more accurate description of these people.
What about the high conflict person who is more stealth- the covert narcissist. They are toxic with their passive aggressive behavior. Frequently tearing people down, gossiping about friends, co-workers, family members, partners, anyone close enough to share personal info. They are also cheaters and liars. They tend to gaslight and triangulate, hoping for reactions. They appear reserved, calm, in control, and sometimes shy/harmless. Ugh, they are the ones I truly want to avoid at all costs!
This is my mom
That's why you need the stable mind. A mind that does not shake by external situations. It's all about practice. Just practice being unshakable always. Don't use emotions with most people. Keep it for the sweetest one's.
I came back here just to give tips on how to deal with narcissistic or psychos.
The thing most important is that we sensitive people take situations too seriously.
That's why we use terms like light or on a lighter note etc.
What that lightness means is to keep your mind light. It must fly through difficult situations.
You can use comedy or meditation to make your mind light whenever in touch with a narc.
Next, remember that we were trained to use emotions like anger, fear and hatred mostly. This must change instead use other light emotions which aren't harmful. Also don't think extremely in any situation. Try to be in the middle (not extremely happy nor extremely fearful nor extremely sad pr extremely doubtful) that is where it is the most safe from all evil.
Next, whenever anyone hurts you or you come to know that anyone has cheated you badly immediately go to a safe space where you have to breathe deeply and make your mind as light as possible. Then try to remove the emotions like hatred and anger totally immediately. Like you imagine taking the roots of that emotion from yourself and your mind. In this way you have for the first time dealt with extreme evil through your intelligence. Wait for five to twenty minutes in this space of peace and nothingness. You will be amazed by your own strength. I started doing this after using several techniques and finally I found this the most positive and real and working technique. Then on that particular day throughout you won't feel any fear, anger or sadness. It is the first step where you master your mind completely in those five minutes.
Next, use another focus like work or hobby to get away from situations and move to a cool zone of productivity. Here almost all emotions cease to exist and you become one with life. You can forget all bad situations and people while you are focussing and toiling on a work say from nine am to six pm each day. This way you train to use life to your advantage.
Next, try to move away from stealth narcs once they reveal themselves. Try to use the calming technique with all situations in that way you are always ready with the stable mind without the need to use emotions. Stop using all bad emotions. And be away from such negative people.
Next, try not to be always in your head where you think yourself against the situation or the world. We learn to simply get inside our heads and start living in an unreal world of negativity where we think too much how each situation is effecting us. Instead try to use intelligence to stop thinking too much everytime you feel that you have started to think un-wantedly. Trust me our minds are powerful and can spot that sort of thinking. In this way you are free from always thinking about yourself. You can focus on work or try to help others like you.
Try to be light always. Smile and enjoy your life. You will amazed that you will find sweet people and also how strong you are deep inside. The world is sweet and you must enjoy it.
Sorry, one more tip.
Never give any value to these high conflict people. They have no worth that's why they try to hurt others.
Stop responding to most people in old ways like lightning responses. Instead wait and think if you really have to respond and then come up with some quick intelligence. Always imagine that you have the upper hand and become the mature person. Just forgive them and look elsewhere and smile at life and say okay, but now I need to hurry up because I am busy. This one line can disarm them and also keep you far away from emotions. The thing is we respond to most people and that's not needed. Think and act. Use your patience and intelligence always.
Also, sometimes you don't even have to respond. Just smile and take a deep breath like as though you are ecstatic. This new method will shift your mind towards inner peace and sweetness. Don't respond to any negative person. They don't deserve it.
Yes Penny they are the most dangerous
High conflict personalities are our bridge to understanding ourselves and weaknesses!
They uncover isssues, things we need to change and they are often right when it comes seeing and speaking of issues that others love to ignore or are silent about!
Keep your distance, observe and learn.
They are a blessing!
ditto! but also it is a pitty when you love him/her
Interesting perspective…they actually do let you see the chinks in the armor..
I had a ex who was exactly like this dude explained in this video. After 5 years of trying to work it out i decided to just walk away from her. Its been 2 years and i got to know she is with some other guy. May god bless his soul. Amen
She's his problem now. You got away!
@@MartinThePanda i learnt about her in just 3 months..i knew it wont last forever.. still i loved her so i tried for 5yrs.. but yeah it took me 5 years to realize that its better to handle breakup rather handling her personality for rest of my life lol
Was with someone like that. Took me 6 months to leave but it drained so much of my self-esteem. The last straw was when he started talking to someone else and apparently it was my fault for not being agreeable enough. I decided to leave before being cheated on on top of the emotional abuse.
Good for you for leaving even after 5 years, no matter how long the relationship is, it s not worth your well-being.
@@everlastingideas8625 true. Even though you love them..whats the point living in such toxic relationship. It may hurt for few days but eventually everyone moves on. :)
It took me seven years to get away from my ex who was the same type of person.
People who repeatedly say they “hate drama” is a red flag to me. It usually means *they are the drama* . Every person I’ve met who says that has a high conflict personality. As some one who has no drama in my life with very pleasant and peaceful relationships, “drama” is not something I even think about.
That is exactly what my husband said when we first met. He made a remark about not wanting drama and I fully agreed. 18 years later, it's been nothing but drama and I recently started watching videos about narcissistic people and everything clicked. But he is more than that, if it's possible he is a sociopath and also a psychopath too. He seriously frightens me and I'm too scared to even try leaving because I can hear every threat he ever made to me, our kids and my family.
@@EMRAE_8 In that case, just try to live a separate life as much as possible without getting a formal divorce. It will be beneficial to get some distance. I felt much better since I have stopped arguing with my wife a year ago and live a separate life mentally. Sometimes, it is just much better to be alone. I am more productive in my work and enjoy my time with my children much more.
I only say that about tv shows 😆 That I don't like watching shows centered around drama. Do I pass?
I've learned that I'm one of those high conflict people, considering the fact that I was related to and befriended one of them. After they've gotten out of my life, it is more quiet and peaceful, and I can't see myself going back to that!
Or: "I don't like mind games.". Then starts with the mind games/blame shifting, on the second outing!!
This guy just made my day. My mom's a High conflict n I'm a Zero fux. Guess how fun our talks are.
Zero fux people can be problematic… if you’re irritating her with your indifference you’re no better ..if that’s not the case I’m saying not assuming
@@doolv671 gonna take a wild guess and say that anyone who self identifies as "zero fux" is _exactly_ the kind of person that has a tendency to irritate people with indifference or apathy to a point of stubbornness. I used to work with a couple- pair of girls who would walk around all day whinging about how "stupid" everyone else was and how it made their day harder for them (like anyone cared). I'm not one to say I'm fully one or the other, but this girl used to _really_ piss me off sometimes because she wasn't taking a serious job as seriously as she should have been and was too arrogant to consider that she wasn't just "above that stuff" that the rest of us had to worry about.
You're the problem
@person1894Y49 full grown adult over here. I use to roll wit the punches till I ran out of fux 2 giv, so ZF it is. Unless the person in front of me actually makes sens.
@person1894Y49 The person doesn't have to make sense to me.
I need to hear them out, and even if I disagree, as long as there is some tangible thought process, we're good.
But if it feels/sounds like the person is just tryina have the last say, the ZF kicks in.
It took me 30yrs to discover the strategies that you explain in 5 minutes. Great video.
For those out there who complain about this video not addressing how to change these people, Bill Eddy (the dude in the video) has written extensively about this, one excerpt from him includes:
'(...) there is a four-step method developed by the High Conflict Institute in California that is generally effective at calming their behaviour and focusing them on solving problems. This is the CARS Method and it stands for:
■ Connecting with empathy, attention and respect;
■ Analysing options or choices;
■ Responding to misinformation; and
■ Setting limits on inappropriate behaviour.'
The Sydney Morning Herald
Dealing with high conflict people
By Bill Eddy - 13 August 2012
Want to know more? Buy his book.
This is the most helpful comment in the section
@@G4RYLeL Yes. This comment should be pinned really. Excellent stuff.
To be honest though, I would prefer to develop a pill to address this condition, because I feel like this CARS method may actually limit their behavior too much. We still want people to be authentic and to be able to contribute as individuals with unique gifts. I would rather develop a pill that can correct for their chemical excesses and allow them to function as full adults who are not always having to enforce strict limits that often don't really apply in the most important situations and may hamper them from contributing at their life's greatest moments.
Without knowing this, I did it - didn’t work…unfortunate and sad, enough said.
he also says in the video that you cannot change who they are?
I think part of my problems earlier in life were based on the fact that I was overly anxious and basically codependent. I think this lead to me blaming other people who were justifiably uncomfortable with this and assuredly it made relationships even more difficult. Having "enough" stable relationships can be really nice as you don't have to face rejection through trying to exhaustively make everyone like you.
I have a problem with trying to break free from a codependent friend. She thinks we're still close and plays all these mind games on me to maintain overt control while trying hard to be liked and I see through that. I dont know how to tell her that I'm not about this behaviour because of course people wont be conscious of their behaviour until they see it themselves and it's no longer my job to look like the bad guy by being the messenger 🤷♀️
Indeed, those high conflict features are associated with low IQ as research proven.
Have an adopted son like this. Learned the same way of dealing with it through a counselor who specializes in personality disorders. It lifted ten tons off my shoulders and made me realize I’m not crazy. I believe our culture is creating people like this.
It’s important to lead by example with your children. He’ll learn how to behave better when you teach him how to handle conflict in a diplomatic way.
Why did you adopt a kid that doesn't like you? Should have have your own kid and let the urchin be another peoples problem.
Bless you, I’m sorry it’s been a tough road. I hope there will be beauty in the end from your labors of love!
@@montecristo9757 You should avoid commenting, especially on matters you have /zero/ knowledge on
that's why you shouldn't adopt. Better to raise someone with your own genes or family relation.
There are many reasons people become like this. CPTSD, abuse, neglect etc. Also not understanding that their heightened emotional state, doesnt actually represent their true feelings - that they are in a state of dysregulation. Being able to step back, realize you are disregulated and need to get back to calmness is a skill. One people from healthy households learn as a child - but from dysfunctional households every moll hill is a mountain. the crappy childhood fairy helped me to learn about this last puzzle piece. After my strong desire for peace, routines, tackling issues head on, taking responsibility. this was the final piece for me and its helped so much.
He says himself these people won't change. You cannot force them to confront their own behaviour because this will simply start the cycle of blame and abuse. If they are in a position of power you're better off remaining neutral until things become unprofessional and abusive, at which point you either report them to a higher authority or leave. Trying to "fix" them is not an option and will only lead to unnecessary stress. Trying to fight them will, again, only lead to unnecessary conflict and stress, as they will not change. Confrontation and manipulation are their favourite games which is why Bill is advising against falling into their trap.
narcotic abause.
This video is purely wrong. you literally can change them if you provide them evidence that they can not deny.
Hear hear
@@luuhoangdiep good luck =)
@@rapha.laurindo Well done. You just spot one of those people. 😂
"I don't like drama."
AKA, "I don"t like it when other people start drama AGAINST ME."
Lol The people I can think of as having said that are usually the only ones thinking about drama to begin with
"I don't like drama"
*goes and instigates drama from nothing*
"Omg WHYYY does this always happen to me"
I know people that do this.
He just gave a classic definition of a Cluster B Personality aka Malignant Narcissist.
Pretty much textbook borderline
@Gemma Dann He described features present in more than one personality disorders so this discussion doesn’t have to turn into a high conflict situation my friend lol. Yes there are many symptoms of NPD but as a clinician I can also see a lot of BPD in there as well.
@@therapissed3531 I agree. One difference between the two I have found is that Borderline's will listen to you if you are trusted and approach the subject gently and eventually will want to get better and / or seek help to manage their condition. Narc's will never listen and will never change in my experience because they can never believe someone knows more than them about anything.
They're not exactly rarities. They seem to be everywhere.
@@johnj3577 Don’t get me wrong. I would definitely take working with a client with BPD over NPD any day. I just also have seen and treated some people with BPD who have no long-term interest in changing and regress to the dismay of their loved ones. I don’t have the patience to treat someone with NPD. They resist treatment even when mandated by the court or threatened by a spouse.
Sometimes the problem really is other people to a 100% degree. Blaming others is not always an indication of a problematic personality waiting to dump their hidden problems out on someone else. I think the first criteria of a shifty personality/conflict type is of a bombastic personality which appears like loving kindness with abundant energy but blathering constantly about how wonderful they are. They are concealing quite a lot of hostility.
This is my brother, dudes been married 5 times. Each one was progressively worse than the other. He’s under investigation right now by dfs for child abuse. My mom is mad at me because I have nothing to do with him but he’s just nuts. I did ask her once if he maybe didn’t get enough oxygen as a baby because he doesn’t seem to be working at full capacity. She didn’t like that one
Narcissistic personality disorder. Look it up, knowledge about this disorder will be the only validation you will ever get.
😂🤣😂 “she didn’t like that one”. Feels good to laugh! Thx
No question you brother's NPD, mine's like that too, mom still defends him when he's able to pull it together for a short time but it doesn't ever last.
go look up begood/assidic
you live in russia.
Same..older brother and father
Holy hell. I just got out of a relationship with one of these people. So happy I got out now.
Freedom 🤣
I can say the same.
Thank you for helping me to understand better. Honestly.
If it's alright to ask, how did you do it?
@@Truth-Seeker_69 check out Bill Burr's advice on breaking up.
I know a person who is actually related to me directly who behaves in this exact manner and that person makes my life more and more and more complicated and sad, depressed, angry, agonized, painful. Its difficult to talk to someone who thinks they are never wrong and its our fault only. We asked that person to get checked by other therapists but they just start to blow up!!
Me and my expartner were two high conflict people, both abused in childhood. I also have bipolar disorder. She has BPD.
After everything obviously blew up in the most toxic way possible I've spent 15 months in therapy trying to heal the emotional wounds of the entire thing. I came to terms with my blaming, accepted reality and decided to meet one more time with her to show accountability. I apologized for the pain I caused her with my difficult personality, not looking to get back together, just trying to get closure. She used this apology as an oportunity to insult me and deny that she ever did anything wrong. She kept saying she has never hurt another person and she never will. A quite extreme statement. She proceeded to tell me how she finally found "a real man" and gave a whole speech about how no one will ever be happy with me. She continued to harrass me with mixed messages of love and hate, all while having a new boyfriend. She convinced me we could maybe work on things and then turn around last minute to literally laugh at me. The emotional shock of this is still affecting my relationship skills, since her opinion of me meant a lot in that moment.
Then she goes around telling our friends that she loves me and she wishes all the best for me while I try to tell our friends she is a damaging person that I can't have around anymore, since the prolongued emotional abuse causes me panic attacks just by seeing her.
To the eyes of most people, she is the mature one who is nice to her ex and I am the crazy one. It is an extremely frustrating place to be in. I had a total breakdown when I saw my close friends defending someone that abused me that. So I got away from anybody who still had her in their lives. Manipulators and liars rule this world for a reason. There are enough good people in the world to waste your time with abusers and their enablers. Just leave. It is the best you can do.
the thing you can take away from this conversation is that you have lost nothing. That you finally got rid of that toxic person and that you know now what you have to look for in a future relationship to avoid toxic people. You really should avoid this expartner and the so called friends who tell you that it's your fault. Maybe you need a new start with new friends or move to a different place if your ex is following you.
Dude I understand exactly. These people are a literal void. There's nothing inside to miss. Whatever person you thought you loved was never really there, sadly. And that's part of the brutal reality of BPD/NPD.
Similar story to me but at workplace. I just left at the end and it was the best decision for me. I no longer blaming myself for problems they caused
People with BPD are legit crazy-making, with them trying to tell you they never said something when they just said it five minutes ago. There’s no use arguing with them; they can’t stand any shame from ever being wrong, so they have to beat you into submission and make you wrong instead.
The one thing that comforted me in all my dealings with a high conflict person with BPD is the aphorism that “lies sprint, the truth runs marathons.” While someone can delude some of your friends some of the time, in the end their real character (or lack thereof) will show through.
@@catc8927 I like that "lies sprint, the Truth runs marathons"...Reminds me of another similar quote by Mark Twain: “A lie can travel around the world and back again while the truth is still lacing up its boots.”
This year so far was spent hermiting, and its been the most growth inspired ive ever experienced, because i was untouchable by outside influence that makes no sense and frankly no value and had the least stress in my life.
My brother is type 1, my father type 2.
High-conflict people really have an innate inability of looking at themselves and their responsibility in a situation.
When dealing with these kinds of toxic people, it's important to never play their game. Protect yourself or they will steer and dictate your actions.
We've all had this boss, coworker, "friend," partner, etc. This is usually due to a broken relationship with a parent. An explanation but not an excuse.
Not an excuse for sure. Everyone is responsible for their actions and behavior. But it does mean these behaviors aren't their fault.
While all this is true, constructive conflict is good sometimes. Confrontation can help create better relationships and clear our misunderstandings. People who avoid conflict tend to bottle up emotions and have sudden outbursts later. So, don't be a "high"-conflict person but be "talk-it-out" person who isn't afraid of little conflict.
I agree, it has its place and someone can be completely avoidant of which can be the source of the conflict .
Conflict is a natural part of life but most people hate confrontation and avoid conflict as if there is something wrong with it.
I’ve been told I “like conflict” because I don’t suppress it and actively want to deal with situations as they arise so they don’t fester inside me.
The majority of people are not like this and would rather get cancer later on life from suppressing all their feelings from every little and large conflict they’ve ever NOT worked through in their lives!
If you face conflict head on with effective communication skills and positive intent then it can be a growth opportunity…but most people never will because they are conflict averse and think this is a good and right way to live.
It’s not
@@oliviaromao 100%
@@philippagrimoire5968 Conflict cannot be avoided but only resolved. Conflict avoided is a problem delayed.
@Penderyn You're right.
I wish someone would have told me this 15 years ago. Would have saved me so much trouble with difficult people.
Indeed, those high conflict features are associated with low mental ability as research proven. You can not change their mental ability.
He's basically describing my depressed mother I haven't seen in 5yrs. Sending love from a distance is best.
My mother, she's precisely like that.
I'm not blaming her for all of my failures but i can't help but to think "if only my mom was more supportive and caring of me instead of blowing up in my face all the time"
*Life's not fair*
I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I understand.
Omg I picked up his book at the library this week, best decision ever! So informative and come at the right time. I’m dealing with a HCP right now. I’m feeling more equipped and less burdened. Thank you Eddy!
Sounds like my mother and sister. As a young child, I felt I was to blame for her moods. Took me years to recognize I wasn't responsible for her behaviour.
Move
@@andyc9902 Move?
@@naomibedek1701 move out
@@andyc9902 Duh. Did that years ago.
When things show up in your feed- because your phone listens to your conversations. - however, this was a good one and I needed to hear this. Abusive people don't t see themselves as abusive its always. - "your just not listening". Control is the sneakiest form of abuse.
I had a conflict that went on for several months and I kept a couple close friends up to date, and when I was told that “I haven’t said why I was ‘pissy.’” I told my friend that and her first words were “I’m pretty sure you’ve said that a few times.” I think the main thing that helped was keeping unaffected people in the loop so they could tell me what they saw and either reinforce my observations or try to correct my errors
Right?! 📱 👂🏾
I seem to be a high-conflict person magnet! It's exhausting, but thank God I somehow play well with them and manage to interact in a way that things don't become conflict, just intense interaction :D
Most of the time, these are just broken people trying desperately to hold all the pieces together. Sometimes they've already built themselves and ideals back, but are still combative. Maybe because they don't think they're safe, or because they're afraid of breaking again.
At that point, I think it's best to help them come to terms with the fact that suffering is an inherent component of life and that there will never be 100% security. And let them know how well they're doing, and if you do, how much you love and care for their well being.
If they've not yet built themselves back, be patient and supportive but solid. Don't sway when they sway. Don't run to one extreme when they do. Stay solid and consistent. It's heavy, but sometimes you become the one consistent and 'secure' thing in their life. If that's too heavy a burden, then take this man's advice and walk away. Maybe come back later? There's no shame in that; that's life. Know your limits and live a quality life!
Now i know why you are a magnet for these people. You listen and respond with alot of explenations . Next time one will talk to you . Just pretend that you trail of in your mind , grab your phone to pretend to make a text but in reality you enter a alarm that sounds like a call . Pick it up when it goes of and walk away from this person for it's a important call.
This is called "fixing" in the parlance of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families.
It is incumbent upon no victim to fix their abuser. I would sincerely ask anyone so tempted to ask themselves: are you falling under the sway of Battered Person Syndrome or a kind of Stockholm Syndrome? Or, being brutally honest, is there a martyr complex at play? No shame or judgment here, by the way, because I've been and done all of those things. No more.
"We are not responsible for rescuing, saving, or healing our parents or siblings who remain mired in family dysfunction. We can detach with love and begin the gradual process of learning about boundaries."
Much love, my dear kindred spirit. Keep doing good in the world.
stay away from leftists and people of color,,, problem solved.
Please examine yourself to discover what you receive from chronically interacting with high-conflict people and priding yourself on managing them. What about you attracts YOU to them?
You're one of those empathetic humans haha God bless you and your kindness.
This discussion reminds me of something I learned as a youngster when dealing with horses. Often when you're leading a horse they may decide not to go in a certain direction. Since they're much bigger, stronger, and heavier - just trying to pull them is a no-win situation. But if you turn them, it gets them moving again and distracts them. Then just keep the turn going until you're back in the direction you originally wanted to go and the horse is usually fine with that. I guess he probably thinks he won the argument. This of course assumes that there is no dangerous situation ahead. These animals are pretty good at not walking themselves into threatening scenarios, no matter what tricks you try on them.
This sounds like a lot of people I know. Sadly, I think I was a high-conflict person when I was younger. I suspect I adopted a lot of those behaviors from people around me. Luckily, I gained some self-perspective and grew out of it.
Yup had a friend with a mother like this, never seen such a toxic relationship. His mental health improved drastically when he moved out.
I can listen to Bill all day. What a smooth and and calm demeanor.
I grew up with a high conflict mother and unfortunately learned to think like her. I have been putting a lot of effort into not being like that, but I still discover more things that I need to change. The speaker's suggestion that people look out for signs and avoid me altogether hurts. I would much rather prefer that people called me out on it and showed me a better way.
I have a partner who is very high conflict and if I try to call her out on it she just shuts me down, can't bear any form of criticism against her and will not accept responsibility for anything. There is no room for negotiation. The only solution is to get away.
Maybe take the step to talk about it with people you trust. The fact you want to change makes it clear that you don't keep thinking the other is to blame. Ask if they will give you feedback at a moment you are not in conflict, so you can analyse what triggered you and why. A psychologist might also help.
I used to be or perhaps I still am this kind of person. Somewhere within, I am grateful that I am capable of spotting the errors that I have within me without having to require someone else point it for me and this trait happens to be one of them. I’d be beholden if You care enough to drop a few suggestions that might help me improve this particular behaviour. Thank You.
I feel that. I think for me the key is paying attention to people’s actual intentions and avoiding unnecessary conflict. The farther I get away from bs like that the better I am able to recalibrate and reflect on how to proceed in the future. I think also, high self esteem is both a blessing and a curse because you don’t lose confidence to keep going but you are quick to respond as if things aren’t your fault even when they are
Here are a few suggestions:
1.Deep consideration of attention placement coupled with
2.journaling questions to self that you answer honestly via deep observation of self in real life experiences.
Ex: (for analyzing your own attention placement via percentages, be honest with self)
joe places 95% of his attention on others or objects, what’s problematic about this? (When u pretend it’s someone else you can easily see the problem is joe needs to focus on himself.)
Then journal questions that stem from personal intense emotions that triggers reactions of conflict, like, “why did Jane winning the award cause me to experience intense anger?” Or broad questions like “what is manipulation and do I get a thrill from doing it?”
Don’t attempt to answer questions right away just keep the truth seeking questions in mind. Journal nightly to see what answers have revealed themselves in your life. Your answers will come as life experiences you reflect on. As you get answers, bc it’s private self work, the embarrassment of admitting personal flaws to others is non existent and there’s space for you to create new reactions.
Basically reconditioning your attention/neurological pathways and teaching yourself via questions and deep observation of self to get answers aka personal growth.
This will work if you can be honest with yourself and stay present in each moment to deeply observe yourself & get your answers.
@@AsathegoopyPlease excuse me for responding late, I never got notified about the comments. I am grateful for Your suggestion and I will make sure to practice these once having assessed them in a bit more depth and I’ll let You know about the results, Thank You, Temujin.
@@YoungNationWorld Please excuse me for responding late, I never got notified about the comments. I have been able to extract two major suggestions from Your comment one, to keep a journal and be consistent with evaluating the thoughts and emotions I have and two, to be self aware and keep me in a manner mindful that I can let things go and I cannot emphasise enough how grateful I am for Your advice, I will start implementing these and let You know about the results I notice. Thank You!
@@backuptwo1012 good luck!
When you're dealing with a narcissist and you don't know it it may seem like you're a high-conflict person but really you're just trying to handle life with someone who doesn't want to be accountable but they're playing mind games so you become confrontational just saying
It's always better to avoid conflict..
Wow, I had a girlfriend that was always seeking conflict and that ended up being what killed the relationship. I used to tell her that she was always seeking conflict. I had no idea it was an actual thing. Glad I got out of that one.
Indeed, those high conflict features are associated with low mental ability as research proven. You can not change their mental ability.
Some people are addicted to drama. Or addicted to anger. Choose category where your ex was.
I had a " former" male friend who was calm in our 20's but now in his toxic work environment became angier by the day.
Only recently that I discovered he is "addicted to anger."
Even in his own words, he says he feels "powerful when he argues or fights for what is right"
This " powerful moments" can be:
Arguing with somebody
Yelling at people while fighting for what is right
Or even physical fight.
I wish I had read that even many yrs ago, and put our friendship at " arms length"
These people will not change. Because they feel " powerful" when they argue or yell at people.
@@dianaverano7878 I believe the appropriate answer is: Yes.
N8ce I would like to believe they're just stupid, not just evil and sadistic.
I married a high conflict person. I was always a target of blame, he thought in black and white. Such as he said all blacks are violent and thought of all Mexicans as thugs that stabbed people. I couldn't make him think differently. He also made statements like liberals are idiots. He told me he thinks correctly and other people are wrong.
His emotions were out of control. He'd rage over trivial things. He'd fist his hand and pound his chest like a gorrilla and yell "I'm huuuuurrrrrtttttt". He was always hurt it seemed like. He was hurt that I'd dated a Hispanic guy 7 years before I met him and he said I'd betrayed him. He would get angry in the middle of the night and rip the comforter off me and accuse me of not loving him.
He couldn't control his anger. Once he kicked and broke a shoe rack, he threw a cup of water on the floor, he'd slam doors, cupboards, and the fridge door. He didn't care that it scared me.
These people exist.
They deny they have a problem.
They say everyone else acts/behaves this way.
My reaction was that of being terrified. I was scared as nothing I said or did comforted him. I can't agree with such statements as all blacks being violent so when I disagreed he'd call me a dumb fucking broad.
So I became conflict avoidant and shut down.
He said I was giving him the silent treatment.
From my perspective I was avoiding these horrible episodes. From him I was ignoring him and I was the problem.
Regardless, after 5 months of marriage he divorced me.
I blame him.
He blames me.
A therapist told me he has BPD. I agree with that because he had a childhood full of abuse, neglect, and abandonment.
I try to understand these people. But really what it comes down to is hurt people hurt people.
i am going through something similar with my husband, thank you for sharing.
Lived thru similar. It gets better; don't be defeated. But be sure to get to the bottom of how you became attracted to such a person in the first place. That must be totally resolved, else you will remain vulnerable to repeating the experience, to an even worse degree, with another person. Best wishes to you, take care.
My dad is like that. I'm saddened and worried both my brothers are going to be like him. One of my brothers is about to have a child and I don't know how to help them.
Weren't you aware of this prior to marriage?
NathanGChannel I was at a point in my life where I was ready to get married and start a family. He was also eager to get married and start a family. He came across amazing in the beginning. He mirrored all my interests and was super into me! He said he'd wished he'd saved himself for me. He was quick to propose after knowing me 5 months and 1 week. Wow!! I thought finally! A guy who knows what he wants. But that was a red flag. Also being that I wasn't the first woman he proposed to. He assured me his ex was crazy.
We spent 5 months planning our wedding and no time getting to know each other. It was quick. I knew him 1 years and 3 weeks when we married at the Ritz Carlton. He said he wanted to give me a fairy tale wedding. Well, 5 weeks after our wedding I got a text message on Christmas Day from my ex and it just said Merry Christmas. I didn't know who it was at the time as it just came up as a phone number. I made the mistake of replying Merry Christmas. My husband at the time found out and he went nuts. He threw my iPhone and shattered it on Christmas Day. He falsely accused me of cheating. After that day things were never the same and I went through fucking tortuous hell with him. He made me feel like I was the worst person on earth.
Yes, there were red flags in the beginning that I pushed aside. I regret it. Trust me, I feel terrible that I ended up with a guy who is jealous, controlling, blaming, accusatory, always the victim, history of doing drugs, claimed he was raped, called me horrible names, kicked me out of the house to sleep in my car, and pushed me down the stairs. I blame myself for being so dumb to marry him. Know I will never marry again. I'm terrified of men. My ex hid behind a mask. Nobody would believe the way he treated me behind closed doors. But I'm an honest person and I tell the truth. My ex denies so much of what he said and did and says I make up the stuff. No way. I never had issues with men before. Guys always respected me and trusted me. But my husband showed no respect and no trust. He was moody. He was quick to anger.
You can blame me. I was that stupid girl that thought she met her Prince Charming when really I met my worst nightmare.
What happens when they are your superior at work?
See that as a sign of their weakness and you will see how it wont affect you personally anymore.
It’s what I’m experiencing right now too . I’m trying not to take it personally .
Exactly. I worked for 8 years for psycho like this. 4 years in I decided to retrain so I could be self emoyed and never have a boss again. It's too much of a gamble. So I used my time there to study and got the hell out.
I suggest you leave or report it by keeping a journal.
You might have to make a change. It’s hard but eventually that one person can make you hate your job and really affect your performance making you look like the bad one. Try to document your negative interactions with this person removing your feelings from the equation. So when the time comes to make a move you can notify their superiors of what’s going on. It will help them understand what you are going through and maybe get them to see these signs later plus it keeps the bridge from being burnt. You know this boss is going to try and use a flamethrower on that bridge if they can. This boss will definitely pick another focal point and the cycle will repeat. The documenting of these interactions might even be therapeutic to you and help you deal with it.
I watch this regularly to remind myself to be careful around 2 people in my life. It's easy to let down your guard with family, and the high-conflict people know when you're vulnerable. I just want everyone to be kind and respectful, but that's not going to happen. The "holidays" are a particular danger zone for me, so I'm bracing myself. Thanks for this valuable video.
I used to be the target of a very high-conflict person for a long time.
Getting them to realize how conflict-seeking they were has caused them improve a lot.
I know it's just an anecdote, but I don't see any other way you could help such a person, so I disagree with not confronting them about it.
I disagree with him about treating people like this in general. If everyone took his advice these people would be basically isolated from any meaningful relationship with another person, and it's not their fault they're high-conflict.
I'd imagine the person who confronts the high-conflict person must have a specific kind of relationship with them, and most people, the target especially, would only cause trouble by trying to do so. What kind of relationship though? I don't know, could you share any more insight into what made this change possible in your case?
Getting them to realize isn't same as blowing it in their face :P
There’s people who can be helped, who look within them and improve. Then there are those who are too used to their drama to stop.
seklay Likewise I was as well for many years, and I almost always enabled them rather than confronted them, and it led to disconnecting from them for several years at the height of my sanity tipping point. The stress and damage lingered, and is not completely mended, but we are on far better terms now and there has been progress.
Not everyone recovers, but indeed it can be mitigated and ameliorated with proactive socratic reasoning, which unfortunately seems a lacking at least in the CONUS from imbalance with education, to word it mildly.
Sounds like my brother. He put so much effort into displacing me from my family because I married outside of our race that they'll probably never see me again. He coerced them to move to Tennessee to get away from minorities in Orlando back in the 90s. He's always had a couple of allies (that he chews on and yet he can turn them against you) and he's just made the family environment toxic as hell. I left some stuff down there I'd like to have back, but I'm just not going to go get it, cuz he's right there. It's his family to manipulate. It's nobody else's. I'll go get my stuff when he's dead.
"he's just made the family environment toxic as hell"... I have a brother exactly like that, it's NPD, you're smart to stay away from all that until he's no longer around, the stuff isn't worth getting mixed up in all that.
go look up assidic/begood on youtube,
put that guy in coma,or place LARGE AMOUNTS OF BAD DRUGS IN his places,
you live in russia,
just like your dealing with flying monkeys and smear campaign,
unlike me,YOU CAN ESCAPE EASY FROM THE SMEAR CAMPAIGN.
Steve Damron narcissist, my friend based on the info I’ve found sounds like a narcissist.
Sounds courageous.
sorry you have to deal with that.
Gosh, he’s referring to everyone talking about politics online these days.
It's their right to be angry or happy when it comes to politics... Let's not tangle relationships with the right to comment and criticize, what's wrong and what's right in our society shall we?
Also called trolls
You are right . People may have a political view , but if somebody show that they are wrong with proof people loose it and try to insult you.
he's taking about leftists and people of color.
@@NFTaddict just because it’s their right doesn’t mean it’s right. Technically I have a right to freedom of speech, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go tell my boss to fuck off.
WOW. As owner of a small business, I just had a transaction with a scrap metal dealer who sold us 5,000 lbs of raw material. He was so friendly and easy to work with until the deal was complete, then he pulled a Jekyll-to-Hyde and launched into sending vulgar, insulting, angry and even threatening emails claiming I owed him more money. Wise to the ways of such people, I replied, keeping it light and seeking in a friendly way to work out a reasonable solution. It only went downhill from there. You have described him with ABSOLUTE PERFECTION and I strongly endorse your advice to not engage on his level or try to confront him with who/what he is: a toxic persona. Bravo Bill, you are right on the money.
I just experienced today with my friend/coworker. Crazy! I’m glad I followed these tips & will continue
One last thing. I find it interesting that about 6.63% of people who have watched this have given it a thumbs down. Precisely in line with the percentage of the general population who live with NPD.
That sounds exactly like my ex. Broke up 6 weeks ago, my life's so much less stressful, it's unbelievable.
We alllllll need to hear this as children. So many confusing people just need to be completely avoided to avoid huge issues.
As soon as you realize what kind of person you're dealing with, you need to avoid them as much as possible. Otherwise they will make your life miserable. They are everywhere. Within our families, work, and social settings. Avoid these parasites.
And 99% of YT comment sections are filled with them.
Jewdo Master tears lol facts
Fuck you idiots. You're totally wrong and the problem. I'm going bungee jumping tomorrow, so hahahahahahaha!
99%? Soo everyone but you, huh? Ironic. He said that these kind of people blame everyone but themselves. Cough cough.
But remember, “don’t try to tell them they are high conflict people”. Okay a religious comment... Jesus said “ The eye is the lamp of the body. If then that lamp is darkness how great is that darkness.” You really can’t do much about someone being blind, just make the observation.
Don't be a dick.
"Hell is other people" ~ Jean-Paul Sartre
Kermit's Hermits "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when YOU fall in a sewer and die." - Mell Brooks.
i gently touched my breast implants, and my penis got hard. i masturbated and came in my desk drawer, over some papers i had there.
"Hell is in hello..." Ben Rumfeld, Song, I Was Born Under a Wandrin' Star, Paint Your Wagon
It truly is.
hell is in all of us
My former boss was like this
Even though I was the top employee, this person wanted me gone.
So after 1 year of dealing with her, I found a better job and quit. Ripples went through the company about my departure, but I do not care as I am happy again......
For a long time I had such a person in my life and it clearly was a big weight on my shoulders. I severed ties last year. I wish I had found this video 10 years ago.
Of course, what this misses is that “high conflict” people (like my brother and father) may be perfectly sweet… until you trip over something that is core to their beliefs…AND they go ape-sh*t and will not tolerate ANY opinion that challenges their “facts” (even when they - themselves - can’t and don’t want to explain them)
Example please because I bet they drag you in debates w there facts lmao 😂 u prolly hate facts
Sounds like my older sisters. Growing up, everytime I voiced my opinion or preference and that didn't match theirs, they would gang up on me either with some aggressive questioning or plain mockery.. I may still be depressed and anxious today but cutting contact with them has brought SO MUCH peace into my life, IT GETS BETTER PEOPLE!
Indeed, those high conflict features are associated with low IQ as research proven.
Sometimes people did not realize they are creating a conflict. Just forgive them.
They are brainwashed by the system and refuse to love the truth. They follow comfortable lies and want to keep it that way and resent anyone who tries to wake them up. Part of it is also a PRIDE issue.
This was very insightful. I have a circle of girlfriends and one of them keeps making these small dramas geared towards me. I always just ignore her and think she doesn’t like me which is totally fine. It’s just sometimes you get curious why people act a certain way and how to properly address the person… just ignore them🤷🏻♀️
How interesting I’ve never heard of high conflict personalities before but I have someone in my life that is exactly that and the measures given to avoid being affected is exactly what I do now…I just wish I came across this video a few years back
Sounds like key traits of BPD and NPD types.
"High conflict personality" is the politically correct term. OMG the comments are terrifying.
Yep, or pretty much any Cluster B personality disorder.
Josh Hiatt my dad told my cousin I had bpd behind my back but he's probably just saying that because he doesn't like me. Ever since though I've always wondered if there was actually something wrong with me.
Josh Hiatt thanks for the advice 💕 and yeah he said that after a family gathering when I spent most of it crying in the bathroom so that was probably what provoked him.
Yes, fits me just fine. There is no chemical or drug on earth I’ve found to
nullify this pattern. Try to add some human and remind everyone I’m insane with a chuckle.
I love videos like this. Straight to the point, not a second of wasted data and packed full of wisdom. Thanks
Had a relationship like this. He's right on every point. They will try to destroy you if they can. She told me as much. By the grace of God I was able to finally exit out the relationship. But not after having legal problems because of this person. Learned my lesson just can't be with some people. No matter how much you might care for them.
I’m glad you are out of that relationship Jerry. I hope you are doing a lot better these days. 🙏🏻
I’m in the process of divorce with such a person right now. This is perhaps the lowest point of my life and I’m just hoping to get this divorce over and done with. I need my peace. I truly learned she will never have her peace as she is always finding the next excuse to start up a conflict. It’s unbelievable. It’s like they thrive off of it. They never listen or try to understand from another perspective. Everything is black and white to them.
🤦♂️
Love is not enough. Compatibility is more important.
I like to be happy & calm most of the time. Whether it is friendship or romantic relationship, it wont work with me.
Because calm people will always be in conflict with angry people.
Angry people likes to be angry everyday like an addiction and I have met some of these unhappy people. I should have run first day.
But in a romantic relationship, now I am looking for a calm person like me.
He said you may not even exist to this person. I’ve felt this just never heard someone else explain it so perfectly.
I married someone exactly like this. I didn't know until we lived together a few months.
It makes life difficult, and it's very degrading at times.
Me2. I did not know such a term for a person existed back then but in hindsight this video has helped me realize i am not crazy
I've known many high-conflict people but never heard it called that or broke down like this. Thanks!
I watched this video knowing I'm a high conflict person, every single one of the 4 characteristics you explained describes how I act i hope to better myself with this knowledge thank you🙂
good on you! remember growth isn’t linear n you got this!!
💜
I dont think i have any high conflict people in my life. What a blessing
I've heard that sometimes they get elected to high office and then fire off hostile and insulting tweets at all hours of the day and night. Could that really be true?
No, not really. If one has got tremendous results for the nation as a leader, then not!
Wayne...👌👍🤣
So so.....soooo sick of winning. Just enough with the winning already.
Sometimes people ARE to blame and NEED TO BE CALLED OUT. Just look at the Cheating Left Leadership.
I’m honestly surprised at the limited amount of interaction on this comment in 2020. One day this comment will pop!
At least two of those points can be part of a person's autistic traits - all or nothing thinking, and unmanaged emotions.
One point not mentioned here, regarding high conflict people, and it is a genuine marker, is those who will not let you get a word in edgeways. They often talk over you, and never let you finish your sentences.
Judging from personal anecdotes you are right but it’s not always the case. The guy I knew that would talk over everyone and make the extroverts feel quiet was high conflict but also impulsive and not very clever. The smarter ones that I was raised with either made a point of seeming cool or weaponised disingenuous kindness. It was more like politics with them. So I think you pointed out a valid aspect but not a universal one
So many of my relationships in the first 20 years of my life were the kind to just talk over me without a second thought that i started to doubt whether I had to follow the same rules as everyone else cause like... nobody would tolerate me talking over them- I'd get lectures or yelled at or ghosted etc, but if I ever so much as mentioned it upset me people would belittle my concerns or just brush it off as insignificant. Or the best of them - not listen and talk over me again.
Now since I'm certain I deserve equal treatment, I've literally cut people out of my life after repeated displays of total conversational disrespect like that. And in every one of those cases the person seemed (for the most part) totally oblivious to the fact that i had hard stopped responding to their statements. In some cases I literally said stuff like "well this has sucked, because you're a self absorbed jerk and I'll probably never speak to you again after today" and towards them/loud enough that they could have heard, but I was so sure they weren't even listening it didn't matter.
Just gonna say many people on the spectrum (more toward the high-functioning Asperger’s end) manage their emotions like a true stoic, and are incapable of all or nothing thinking.
I was married to one! This described him perfectly! Everything was always my fault.
Ainsley I was married to a woman like this. She gave me ultimatums and then divorced me.
Me, too... it nearly destroyed me.
Lol women always shifting the blame to men. Just makes me laugh.
Bitterness doesn't vindicate. There's 2 sides to every coin. Why isn't this guy talking about people like you? People that think that a YT video legitimized their side of the story. Just reckless ignorance.
@@jayfree850 I don't get what you mean... Who are people "like me"?
A great insight , this is what we face from trolls/lab-rats(disinfo labs) either paid to argue or some are just preoccupied with blaming others. The best possible solution I guess is to completely ignore such high-conflict individuals that is to give them the silent treatment. Thank you again for yet another great RUclips video from BigThink.
It's great to be able to arm ourselves with this information and pre-empt difficulties IF people would only heed the warnings.
The trouble really escalates when we elevate such personalities to positions of power.
Man, I'm pretty emotional sometimes. My bf and I are working things out, but seriously, I need to manage my emotions better. Seeing this honestly helps. Thank you ^_^
Nice that you recognize this symptom.
Try letting go and relax. Find a way to get calm.
first, you gotta change your username 😅😂
Good for you
Ngl, I've started picking up these characteristics. I'm so glad I found this video so that I can snip it in the bud.
Useful tips on this video.
Now, we need more videos for people who recognize some of these detrimental traits and want to do better.
I find it sad that the immediate response, and recommendation regarding anyone with conflicting personality traits is to shun them. It's almost as if those who "know" someone who fits into these endless descriptions and categories were perfect themselves, so it's always the others, and never them.
Quite an interesting era we're living in.