Handling A Dysfunctional Relationship With My Tiger Mum: John Lim | Ask ZULA | EP 7
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- Опубликовано: 26 июл 2024
- In this episode of Ask ZULA, John shares his experience handling family conflicts and managing his mental health.
Here are the timestamps of the topics covered during the episode:
0:00 - Intro
1:08 - Current family dynamic
7:49 - How it has affected him today
14:45 - Where his mother's behaviour stems from
17:17 - Patching the relationship for the better
19:54 - Managing bad mental health
22:43 - Thoughts on moving out
23:50 - Work-from-home situation
25:31 - Advice for others who may be facing similar family problems
27:15 - Message to his mum
About Ask ZULA:
Ask ZULA is a brand new segment on the channel where we ask people in our office to share their life experiences as well as their perspectives on the talk of the town.
About ZULA:
ZULA is a website catered to Singaporean female millennials. We cover lifestyle, perspective and inspirational stories of women in Singapore.
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Host:
Leah Shannon - / mizchiefmagik
Featuring:
John Edward Lim - / johnjohnah
Edited By:
Jielin - / adreamtolove17
Filmed By:
Yeow Jia Yi - / yeowjiayi
Shash Yoga - / shashneetha
Business & Sponsorship Enquiries:
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Shoutout to John for being willing to share this with us. Every family faces different struggles, and people cope with things in their own way. Please do respect John's perspective and also know that if you're going through something similar, it's okay to still be figuring it out but hopefully things get better for you. Feel free to share your stories in the comments. Let's keep this a safe space for everyone!
I can relate many things with what John say. End of the day, i hope the relationship will improve. Reason why, everyone only have a mother.
Mine, she suddenly has cancer, and i really miss her.
Without my mother sacrificing her life being a full-time housewife, because of this she become detached from society, and hence she is behaving as such. I am able to be me today, because of her sacrifices she made. I really miss her a lot.
@@John_Smith_86 absolutely disagree with this. Are you suggesting just because the mother provides financially then she gets a free pass for dishing out emotional abuse?
As a mother myself it would break my heart if my son said what John said. His mum needs to see this video and reflect on her actions. It is a parent’s job to protect and keep our children safe. As a mother she has failed but i also see the conundrum John is caught in, the innate need to respect her as she is mum.
In the videos you can see what a sensitive and respectful person John is. His mother should be proud he has turned out the way he did!
Props to John for doing this video!
@ZULA Love this video!! Please bring on other staff that may have similar experiences (toxic mum/family) so that we can learn from each other how to cope etc. Top of my head, I can think of Jes and Cheryl.
@@John_Smith_86 Just curious...are you from a Western country? Housing prices are extremely expensive in Singapore (generally in Asia). It’s uncommon to hear of non/married Singaporeans moving out of their parent’s home because of this. There’s also the concept of ‘filial piety’ where it’s in our culture and upbringing to take care of our parents, even in old age. It’s considered ‘bad’ if one chooses not to, and this leads to an expectation for Singaporeans to continue living with their parents.
@@John_Smith_86 I am not sure what $600 can get you, probably a very small room in an ulu area, or you have to share with many roommates. It’s not as easy to rent as you think, as they usually go by at least 6 months leasing. You either pay for a long-term lease by paying for a really large deposit; or go by a short-term lease. However, If the landlord wants to increase the rental, you end up having to spend time finding other leases to view and rent, along with packing and moving out. This is from a first-hand account from my friend. She is on a short-term lease and she’s worried her landlord will increase her already expensive rental rate. The insecurity of not having a stable place to live in is another stress by itself, really.
People in the creative industry generally don’t earn much. Glassdoor indicates TSL video producers only get paid $3,000 a month, which means a take-home pay of $2,400? $600/$2,400 is 25% of your income which is really quite a significant chunk.
Just my two cents from talking to my friends who rent a room/flat. My friend actually pays $1,600 a month for a one bedroom in Geylang.
I would’ve never imagined john to grow up in such a family environment. He’s so well spoken open minded you would think people who brought him up are super mature and nourishing kinda vibe. Just goes to show u can always change ur own narrative no matter what you’re born into
Some people aren't as lucky to change their own narratives, you'd have to consider that maybe John had met good people to shape his personality. Some people aren't as lucky to meet good people, or aren't even put in an environment to be able to meet good people.
The thing about parents like this, is they will never see you as your own person. You’re always an extension of them, and because they don’t have control over their own lives, they relish having control over their own children. Children of narcissistic parents have to fit themselves to their parent’s agenda in order to preserve the stability and peace at home. And in that process, the child learns their feelings are unimportant and will stifle themselves whenever they’re at home.
To the adult children with narcissistic parents: you will never be good enough for them, no matter what you do. Do not blame yourself for this. This is on them. If you’re unsure whether their behaviors are acceptable, ask yourself this; what if your spouse/friend/acquaintance acted the same way towards you, will you salvage your relationship with them? The answer is most likely, no. Just because they are family doesn’t excuse their actions. Do not sacrifice and organize your happiness around that toxicity. You only have one life, live it to the fullness.
Cried reading your comment. Tired of living for other people, I want my own life and decisions
@@kartikachandra9351 it is their fault but at the end of the day, theyre still our parents,our family so it isnt that easy to just walk away and end the relationship.
being brought up in a similar family situation as John - the typical Chinese Asian traditional AF family, i used to think that i'm unfilial for not "admiring" my parents or thinking that they are wrong. Thank you John for taking up the courage to share this, it's not easy for someone to admit that "yes, i dont agree with the way my mom thinks and yes, that does not mean that i hate her or whatsoever". You can see from the video that he was actually still sort of protecting his mom reputation by saying "not all the fault are on her".
it's 2021, i hope we all normalise the actions whereby not everyone thinks that their parents are their greatest role model. some people grew up knowing what they NOT want to be.
Well said and totally agree with you!
agreed 100%
I love the honest and genuine discussion in this video :) Let's all be kind and understanding to one another!
I absolutely love how John throws in the occasional but very apt and impressive vocabulary, such as magnanimous and epiphany.
I also love that he explains magnanimous as having lots of emotional bandwidth.
John really is a very skilled communicator. Very skilled, very singaporean and very comedic as well!
I don't know how John talks about this without tearing up. Everytime John mentions this in small ways tears well up in my eyes. I fucking cried in this video cos it resonates quite a bit with what I see/experience. I'm more an avoider though, perhaps like his brother., so I'll admit I never had enough maturity to face up and rationalise all the stress that all these bring.
I can feel for John, my family is also quite similar in terms of his mother and it sucks not being able to show and let out how you feel at home and it's really frustrating and John if you're seeing this you're not alone. We just have to go about our lives and suck it up :/
Wow John is very well spoken
i felt the exact same way as john damn im like agreeing to every single thing he said & im tearing up whenever john shared his story cos it's so damn relatable 😩😩
This video hit me good🥲🥲🥲
Hi, are you ok? You can always talk to me about your issues.
i also related to john but in my case, both parents questioned me about money. goes to show that having two parents might not be better than having one, especially if both abuse the children.
I rly rly believe the only sensible solution is for John to move out. Rent runs as low as $500 for a common room, and renting a whole apartment for a single guy is often not needed as well considering he spends a lot of time outside. And this amount in exchange for peace of mind and less strained relationships that do not get testy every other day, I’d say it’s really worth it.
Do it for your mental health, John. It will get better for sure.
Absolutely agree! it's always been a dream to live away from my family.. and now there's a big difference even though it doesnt make financial sense
Easy for u to say. He already mentioned it doesn't make financial sense. We Singaporeans have to save up to buy tiny apartments that cost 6/7 figures but you foreigners can go back to your countries n buy cheap houses that cost a few $K only.
Moving out is easier say than done. I believe most who face the same the situation want to do likewise.
So easy meh?
We need to learn to call an ABUSIVE BULLY a bully, regardless of their role in our lives
Exactly. His mom gaslighted him to the point of him doubting himself.
shoutout to leah as well for being a good host!! she really listens to what john has to say and asks good follow up questions
My mum was like John's mum but a more moderate version. The toxicity was the same and was all too relatable. There should be a support group for people who have gone through this
You should start one! I'm also in the same situation actually.
wow i really needed this video, currently the same with me and my family and this makes me feel a little better
can i just say, i feel very comfortable watching john, because he is literally me but male TT
i really really think that showing this video to ur mom can really help your family a lot, although i get that there would be a retaliation or even a bigger set backs... the cycle never ends
Omg is this just me or what i cry when i watch it cuz i feel what he feel everyday feeling useless and like just my mom being a person who always want to find problem w me .and keep saying like u are supposed to be adopted and all that while me having low esteem and like i retain due to stress .i cant believe that the ppl that i tot supposed to be supporting me really toxic .and also i lose friends cuz i retain ppl hate me and like my teachers always help tell me that im a born mature and all that
My situation is like 80% similar to his
@@libraries144 unrelated but your username kind of reminds me of a certain swimming anime :3
WOWWWWW!!!! What a much needed conversation, especially here in Asia. The Mental Health crisis is real and the stigma needs to come to an end. Normalize therapy!!
I have a similar relationship with my parents where i feel that im being oppressed. Even after marriage and having my own home my mum would then target my wife and criticise her and my home to the point where i had to stop contacting her to avoid her breaking my marriage. My children, our parenting choices and even our home design choices triggered her. I hope she take her anxiety and medication meds and stop avoiding the doctors appointment. Sometimes people have mental issues but avoid getting help and continue to hurt others especially loved ones.
I found myself in tears after watching this vid because it feels like John literally took the words out of my mouth. I'm so grateful for this vid and knowing that I'm not alone in this.
I completely agree and have very similar experience as you. My parents grew up poor in China so even though now they have more money, they are as stingy as ever. We never eat out or do anything for leisure. If I ever ask them to watch movie they will start rambling it’s such a waste of time and money and ask me to study. They never talk to me about anything else other than grades and money. They are not interested in knowing me but only if I become successful then they can brag about it to other people.
It is really quite saddening to hear how such conflicts are common these days. Of course, even among close family there's bound to be friction but I genuinely hope that everyone has a safe space, other good people around them to help them deal with it. It might seem petty or minuscule to others but over time such things might snowball into irreparable situations. It is truly unhealthy for all parties involved.
I understand when John mentioned he needs a break from work due to family problems, each quarrel is emotionally burdening and mentally draining as it accumulates. I think learning to manage this complicated feeling within ourselves is very useful. Talk to a good friend who respects your feelings. Talk to someone who gives you good advice that you can listen to. Take small steps, go for a quiet walk, eat colourful healthy food and keep the mind calm by focusing on your breathing. Stay happy always! 👍🏻💪🏻
Sometimes talking to a friend feels like draining them too. Also, sometimes all talk and no solutions is equally draining 😣
My family is also incredibly similar to John's family. My sister is always the one who is constantly irritated and angry, we can never talk to her because she just explodes all the time. She too goes out basically every day and always sleeps over at her friend's house. Being the younger one, I learned from her mistakes and decided to be the "better" child. Though I realised I still sustained a truckload of trauma from my experiences and so my mental health also is a dumpster dive. I used to just not talk and ignore my family to prevent any snowball of arguments, though now I realised it is actually better to speak out. It doesn't matter if I kena scolded or if it becomes a fight, I just point out all the flaws and keep my stance, over time my mum became more understanding and aware of her wrongs and also my personality.
I know many of us are stuck in such a family too and have contemplated a place to escape from all these struggles, be it mentally or physically but, I hope that we manage to find positive ways to deal with our struggles instead of spiralling down and affect our mental health negatively. I also learned that sometimes we cannot expect to find things in our parents that they do not have - such as reassurance, positive speech, affection. We just have to let that go and find other ways to cope with our needs. Keep fighting and stay safe all
Thank you John for sharing. It really feels less lonely knowing there are others in the similar predicament. I'm at the point of becoming a shut in as every opportunity of leaving my room is a risk of being judged (even going to work). At least in the room you can't hear yourself being judged.
Enjoy your room! I don’t have my own room.
John literally said every single thing that I've been through into words and without breaking down into tears. Its brave and respectable to be talking about this on camera and online.
Don't give up on life and the universe I know of a great man who helped you me fix my broken hear beat relationship and everything was restored to pormal in days without delay
Text him on WhatsApp
+1=2=0=.4=8=0=.8=2=2=3=4...
Am I the only one worried about the repercussions of John making this video and how his mum will treat him now?
well if i was the mother watching this video would be a slap in my face and i would reconsider my actions, hopefully she would be normal as well lol
@@animemachinex3 can 100% guarantee she won't take this well. what you've said is the ideal. but if that were the case, it would've been resolved long ago.
Hearing John sharing his story... Reminded me of why I always held this agitation towards my mum and its not something I felt its easy to control nor let go... It's so deep-rooted in me that I found it so hard to change. I'm just as quiet and isolated at home, similar to his situation.
John took the words right of my mouth. Till now the moment I hear my parents footsteps at the front of my door, I would just stay inside my room and avoid them
Thanks John for sharing! I went through something similar and I grew up to be more anxious from walking on eggshells. At the same time, trying to keep a happy facade in front of my peers! Sometimes, parents tend to criticise instead of trying to educate. It’s so hard to explain ourselves sometimes. Don’t worry, hang in there!! It will get better soon!
I grew up with tiger parents too and i obviously did not handle it as well as John did. I was a rebel the more my parents pushed me to do things the way they wanted, would whack me till i went to school with canemarks and this obviously pushed me to self harm. Although our relationship is improved so much over the years cause my parents are receptive to change (it took loads of maturing and convincing and i love them for that), self harm is something embedded in me that i still struggle with to this day.
Thankyou John for sharing something so personal with us!
I don't know what to say but I'll say it anyway- it's not your fault, stay strong :))
I'm not sure if this is an "Asian" thing. But I share kind of the same experience with John. Anyone else feel like they're so afraid to tell the truth to your parents? Because you're so afraid that if you tell something that is not in line with their beliefs or character, they're just going to shut you down. And you're so afraid of making them upset (even though they don't have to, like say over trivial things) because they're going to be upset with you for days and the emotional burden that you have to carry is so heavy. But because of this fear, you're also tormented on the inside. I have this analogy that sometimes parents use their children as their emotional punchbag. And that's the reason why as we grow old, we have so many broken adults. Well whatever you're going through, I hope you're doing well. Sometimes I just think to myself that everyone around me (including me) will one day no longer be here on earth. I know it's not right to bear all these pain but personally I'll just remind myself of this fact. But yeah same as John, the older I grow, the more defensive I become. Sometimes I will just tell them the truth, no matter their reaction.
@@John_Smith_86 Not sure if you're an Asian (from your name) but yes one of the things I "look up" to my friends from the West is the courage and easiness to speak up to your parents. Like I feel it's so ingrained in Asian values and cultures that we're not supposed to talk back to our parents (which is kinda ridiculous, especially if they're being ridiculous). But hey many people from my generation who are parents now have been sharing a different sentiment. Like they want to make sure they have proper relationship and communication with their kids. They don't want history to repeat itself. I hope they stay on their path.
I share the same feelings too! But I don’t even say the truth, I learnt to lie with a smile. So I have acknowledged that I can’t change my parents. The only thing I can do is to remember how it felt like to be a child and make sure I do not do the same thing to my children in future.
@@John_Smith_86 Oh oops okay sorry! Hmm Plot twist, are you TSL John HAHAHA
@@linnychern I forgot where I get this from but yeah something like "It's not a child's responsibility to fix their parents". I both agree and disagree with this statement (depends on the situation) but sometimes I really can't help but... I can't change them.
Adhi S yeah.. I think the only thing I can change is my perception of their words. After all it’s coming from a place of care (most of the time) and remember their childhood was probably worse. Like this person was brought up as a fighter.
Wow thank you Zula and John so much for this video! Words can’t even express how much comfort this video and all the other comments have bought me knowing that I am not alone in this. I always thought otherwise since I have never heard about such cases among my social circles and people are always puzzled when I talk about my family dynamics.
My mum is really controlling and has set many ridiculous rules around the house so much so that I seek school as my safe space since primary school. She is emotionally abusive and since young, she has full control over all of our activities. There is so much baggage and remnant carried up til today (I am in my mid 20s).
She has this way of asking every single thing about my school life and friends. Instead of lying and remembering every lie, I would tell them to her. Sometimes she give good advice but other times, she just end up criticising my choices of friends or worse, compare me with them... Because of all this lack of freedom and space to develop and find myself, I struggle a lot with personal identity up til today.
It’s an accumulation of every small thing that might not even measure up to large issues like divorce etc. But it has made me so miserable. I remember writing a letter to my mum in primary school, begging her to send me away to better parents. I remember running away from home because there is no way for me to prove my words, leaving me so frustrated and defenceless (I was wrongly accused for something that can’t be proved on both sides so it’s her words against mine). I remember wanting to end my life (serious attempts) so many times I don’t even count anymore.
I don’t know what the future holds because my mum still buy food etc for me and provide for me while I was schooling. I wish to move out and do rental eventually but it will set my finances back and I don’t want to end things with my family and just walk away.
*hugs*
We can’t change our parents but we can strive to make our own lives better. Set aside and create a just day for yourself and take leave to do things you want to.
Watching this reminds me of my own family and it's very painful. I think if i were to recount the incidents that happened at home, i will choke up and cry. In the end, I've moved out and stayed on my own. John, if you can - just move out. You will be so much happier for it but it will also come with some long-term consequences. Weigh your options. In the end, you realised that you only have 1 life, live it.
Was ready to chip in my share that I have also been facing something similar while watching the video. Then as I scrolled down through the comments, I realised how common, unfortunately, this is. While I am comforted to know that I am not alone in this, I wished there'd be less of such happening to families. My age is not too far from John so it makes me wonder if it's a generational thing, at least in the patterns of behaviour etc. And I hope it would be a change in the decades coming. John was able to articulate what I am unable to and have managed to put certain difficult feelings into words. Thank you Zula and John, and to those who are struggling, may you be able to find the strength you need.
I feel that our parents’ generation grew up without much (if not any) talks/discussion/awareness about things like psychology, feelings, personal identity, good parenting etc. The lack of such discussion and awareness definitely wasn’t their fault, much less to say Internet wasn’t a thing and they can’t just find information they lack of and need. They can mainly rely of what their parents, teachers and friends tell them. So many times, all these negative patterns of behaviours/mindsets/baggage are passed from their parents to them and later to us. They may not be consciously of how negatively they are affecting us if they grew up in similar environment and thinks that it is normal. But yes, hopefully things have to change for the better from our generation. That’s where reading, counselling, therapy and even self-care/self-work have to come into play to ensure that we “resolve” all these bitterness and baggage and do not pass it onto our children
It’s cause Singapore economically progressed too quickly. All the different generations grew up in very different lives. The mental progression can’t catch up yet.
@@Chloe-dl3lh Thanks for your input! :)
@@linnychern I agree! :)
Came to the comments to say how relatable this video is and kind of happy but sad to see so many others in similar situations too..
i legit wanted to cry while watching this because john, i relate to you wholeheartedly. being at home makes me feel as if i lose my own personal identity because i become someone who becomes defensive and on the edge. a complete 180 from the loving and bubbly person everyone outside of my family knows me as. It's rly a toll on our mental wellbeing. I get the whole i love my mom but it also sucks because some things she's done has impacted us for life.
Thank you for being willing to share and coming up with this video.
That i know im not alone & it makes me feel better.
Thanks John!! This video really helped a lot of Singaporeans in the same kind of situation, also I hope the situation gets better for you
O wow! Thank you so much for sharing John. All the best! Take care and hope things will improve for you and your family. Jia you!
It takes a brave person to share something so personal and the challenging years growing up.
Personally have a lot of hellish experience growing up.
Somehow God closed all door but opened door to do a Degree in Counselling. It was a compulsory 3 sessions of counselling for us to attend before we can do attachment and I took the step to use it to share my personal struggle about family.
Subsequently, I took months to draft messages to the siblings and parent. It was a big risk to draft and speak to them but I've nothing to lose but everything to gain.
Personally, the counsellor also shared that we don't need to have the whole family to attend counselling for a change to happen in the family. It can just start from you alone, seeking your own journey of healing and change our own mindset and ways we react/do things first.
JIA YOU. You will be healed and change the next generation and more to come!!
this is a good reminder for parents to mindful of how we behave and treat our children as they grow and even in their adulthood. thanks to Zula team for sharing this!
Thanks for sharing, John. Definitely resonate with how experiences of being questioned and judged by our family can sort of scare us into being defensive/ secretive about our lives, sometimes even lying over seemingly petty things. It's my hope that we all eventually find our ways to deal better, be accountable, upfront and brave with our every choice or actions.
Sidenote, Leah's eye makeup is so pretty.
Thanks John for sharing. I could definitely relate with your experiences. I grew up with a single parent religious tiger mum. She was over protective, very controlling and never supportive and encouraging in anything I did. To her, everything was “Why?”, “How come?”. I also didn’t have my own bedroom until I was 30. She would also blame me for taking on her bad habits. I grew up very angry and insecure. Now, in my early 30s, I’m just waiting for the right time to move out so I can finally have my own space and privacy.
watching John open up on his family and problems, reminds us again that every jolly and jovial persona we see in public of these talents/influencers have their fair share of issues. though not seen in the public eyes.
Thank you John for being willing to put out your experiences on such a public platform to encourage and share. It really does help myself (and I believe many more out there) to know that we’re not alone and that we shouldn’t downplay all the dysfunctions or however we are feeling because of what’s going on. Many times when someone refers to dysfunctions at home, it usually means those who have divorced or separated parents, or if there’s physical or sexual abuse involved; but they forget that it also includes instances where there’s verbal or emotional abuse at home too, it can also be dysfunctional. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in feeling or going through all of that as well at home (though it’s slowly getting much better now). And that it’s valid to feel what I feel.
It does get kind of suffocating sometimes at home, especially because I don’t have my own room to “hide out” in, so during the circuit breaker period it really was extremely challenging for me to be in the same space as my entire family 24/7.
But thanks for sharing 👏🏼👏🏼
85% relatable, especially the retreating/ closing up and feeling like nothing you do is right 🥲Kudos to John for being able to take a step back and expressing his thoughts and emotions with such maturity. I guess he has really done the inner work that allowed him to be the bigger person even when it can feel so unjust. Extending empathy towards ppl whom you feel hurt by is SO hard to do, but ultimately deeply freeing. Plenty of learning points from this sharing, thank you!
Thanks for sharing this John, I feel you!
It's the same as mine but with dad. I started having depression since young bc of family, never have a rebellious stage in my life, growing up in controlling atmosphere and had great mental break down earlier this year. Only hope things will gradually getting better :)
Thank you so much for sharing, John. This is one of the videos Zula produced that I felt close to my heart. Acknowledging that your personality or character doesnt gel well with your family member takes a lot of time, accepting it and understanding that it is not our fault also takes a lot of courage. Coming from a household similar to John's, I definitely understand how difficult it was. When John said it took many arguments and confrontations to allow his mother to finally allow him to close his door and respect his privacy, I totally felt it as this used to be a topic that I will bring up to my dad, only to be shoved aside and shot down many times until it is too tiring for me to bring it up again. I am a working adult and I still am not allowed to close my room door with strict 10.30pm curfews, living at home feels super suffocating. Everyday feels like a battle at home but luckily and thankfully, my partner, and friends had given me tremendous support and let me feel comfortable being me and gave me a safe place to be me and probably are the reasons why I feel alive.
Thanks John for being so courageous, and sharing something so personal and difficult. My sincere wishes to you and your family!
Hearing this just reminds me completely of my family so much. I was tearing up listening to this with how similar my situation is.
Thank you both for this presentation. We can choose our friends but we can't choose our relatives. I'm sure John will be a kind and tolerant parent if and when he has a family of his own in the future
thank John for sharing your story! I can relate to this so much 😢 I used to find myself having lots of repressed anger/emotional outbursts, constantly complaining and ruminating over my past injustice. My mental health was so shitty. But over the years, I've learned how to re-parent myself, had to unlearn all the toxic behaviors that I unconciously took after my parents' and try to understand how their upbringing back in the days impacted their personalities today. I've felt so much better since. To everyone else who is also struggling, know that you'll always have the choice to change your narrative despite your circumstances :) let's heal!
Thank you John for sharing your story! I understand how hard it is to actually explain the situation, feelings and all of that to the people out there (friends, partner etc.) because it's not as bad as "abuse" but it's not "normal" too and often times it is just so easy for people standing at a morale highground and say "but .... is still your mom". The "defence mechanism" I have resulted from growing up in the family eventually affects my relationships with other people and it took me very long to understand that I have to be the one to stop the hurt I receive. Once again, thank you John, you make me believe that as long as I make a conscious effort to change, no one can define me :)
Been watching many zula videos cos I discovered your YT channel and fb late but whew the content that you guys churn out. Its all so relevant and insightful. Keep up the great work !
Omg.. I used to think that I was alone in this type of situations but hearing this made me feel much better about my own situation? Like its not because I am glad that others are suffering as well but rather the fact that I am not alone in all this. Thank you John and everyone else who shared as well
i have a similar situation, especially being an only child and my father not being my biological one at that when we have fights i’m always left alone to defend myself. it really takes a toll on your mental health.
Very glad n respect that John brought this topic up, I have never been this much related emotionally to a topic, thank you John
Thank you so much to John for being willing to be vulnerable and open abt this. I can fully relate to this and I'm sure many others will :) ALSO kudos to Leah for being a great host & supportive friend and asking the questions in a sensitive and tactful manner
I just shared this video to my mum and we ended up having an honest conversation about our past and we’re now cool and sharing Telegram stickers haha. Thank you for creating this video.
Thanks for sharing this 😭😭 I can totally relate to John’s situation because I’m living with my grandma and she has the same boomer mentality that everyone is wrong except for her. And it has affected my family and me to a great extent.
It’s hard to describe what I’m experiencing at home and tbh, none of my friends really know what my family issues are. So this video really speaks my mind and I hope people can understand that not every family is perfect.
Thanks for sharing this John. I feel you and totally understand your perspective having grown up in similar situation.
You are not alone John!!! I am turning 40 in 3yrs time and my mother still questions everything thing I do! She is always critical with everything she says....
I am comforted to know that I am not alone too! Moving out is definitely a great choice. It gives me the space I needed.
While John's account is based on his family, I can relate to most of what John said having experienced it in a friendship. Being shot down for everything you say, being judged, having the feeling of not being heard, not being able to get through to the person, the constant fighting mode. Eventually, all of these factors combined made me want to say less and less to avoid the confrontation and defending myself no longer made sense as the individual was set in their ways and mindsets. That friendship had recently ended but the emotional toll it has taken on me is what I've been dealing with one day at a time in my safe space, my room.
I admire John for being able to vocalise this in front of the cameras in clear, concise words that sums up everything, words that I'd never be able to find. Hope things get better for you at home and take care of your mental health. Thank you.
I'm in a similar situation as John and it's really hard to hear the experiences he been through because things may never change. it's sad not being able to interact or be close with your family members because they are never understanding. i also believe our experiences made us people who think alot to the point of over- thinking even when it comes to simple daily events. but right now I'm at a point that i either avoid or keep mum and i keep everything to myself...
Everything was so on point.
I didn't even know why I was like this as well towards my family until John listed out all these issues that stemmed from past experiences since young.
Wa rlly difficult for john to open up abt this, but I can relate 🥺🥺🥺 thankyou john!
I feel you. Thanks for sharing your story and showing people some of the struggles that people face with their family and mom. I always thought people had good relationships with their mom and always saying their mom is their superhero and having such loving mother and I was the only rare few not receiving that love that I wanted.
I am a mom, thanks for this very open sharing. I don't think I am a tiger mom (who will admit anyway haha) but it gives me a different perspective. I learned something today. Thank You Zula team and John :)
I’d really like to thank John for sharing this it’s definitely not easy,, thank you for putting into words what I’ve definitely felt throughout the years and I just want you to know that you’re not alone, we can break the cycle
Sending love to John
This resonated so much with me and reading all the comments made me realise that this issue very much exists. We tend to feel guilty for feeling the way we do even when the family relationship is clearly unhealthy. It is time to embrace what we feel and know that one day, we can come out stronger and better than them. Talk to people u trust, and if possible, try to move out and away from the situation. XX
Thanks John for sharing. It might be interesting to also interview John's mum to gain perspective on her belief and approach in raising her children.
i feel you.. dealing with Gen X - Chinese Asian traditional is not easy. It's great that you have someone outside home where you can be yourself because it's important to know that you deserve to be happy too. Sometimes, you could get confused on whether you're the wrong one or the correct one, so it's important to stay sane and clam. But, always respect your mum as mother's love is as BIG as sunshine & life is short and you'll never know when she's leaving you.
I feel the same way as John and seeing people in the comments saying they are also in the same situation, I feel less alone. Like it is okay not to like our family at times, or most of the time. And yeah, it doesn’t make us less worthy too. Thank you for sharing these!
Wow thank you John for opening up about this issue. Some of the points you mentioned were quite relatable to me especially the verbal abuse and emotional blackmailing (toxic words from mother)... Even though it sounds like a very tough matter to process, you were able to put it in words that makes so much sense and portrait it quite accurately which I don't think I can do in my situation...
21:57 i wanna give him a hug 💖💖 hope things get better !
Thanks for making this video. I also have a similar experience growing up & I can totally relate to John situation.
Thank you for sharing this John❤️
Thank you John and Zula for this video. Made my day. Was experiencing similar situation and sometimes worse than what John is facing. However, I chose the easier way to walk out from the dysfunctional family after I got married.
I feel you John. Especially on the point where we are so lively outside, but once we are home, we are quiet. You cant say anything or else you get shot. Stay strong to those who are in similar shoes and do consult counselor when needed! We can't blame our parents totally because they were not taught on how to better manage their emotions and thus inflict on us (like they suffer in some hardships and they did not recover and then implicit on us). Moving forward, I feel like what we can do is also to more aware of our emotions, cool our negative emotions before doing/saying something. Recover our inner child as much as we can so that we dont inflict harm/pain to our loved ones in the future. Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child is a good book to start :)
Thank you for sharing this honestly. I am pretty troubled (similar family dynamics) with the same issues. Glad to know I’m not alone :)
mine got so bad that I had to remove myself from my family situation and live alone. this video made me cry because it hits close to home. Emotional abuse scarred me to this day eventhough I moved out 5 years ago. Physical abuse made me flinch everytime someone lifts their hand or arms up to pull me into a hug or give me a high 5. I still cry myself to sleep every other night hoping that my parents will love me but I know that it will never happen. Been in and out of therapy and my mental health is so bad. Sometimes I wonder why couldn't I try hard enough to be a good enough daughter for her? Then she need not beat the living shit out of me every other day. If only I was brave enough like John then i need not move out.
I can relate so much with John John. It brings back memories throughout my growing up years till now and I could say that it's still affecting me up till today. How could I wish there is someone like Leah to listen out those peoples' problems of what the've went through mentally & emotionally. I'm pretty sure, people like these are mentally struggling adjusting themselves with reality without getting/feeling more to negativity instead the otherwise. Shoutout to John John for being so brave
Thank you very much for sharing your personal story in public.
Hi John, thanks so much for speaking about such "hidden" issues among local households. I think it's been really brave of you guys to share this conversation openly. Hopefully, it does raise some awareness among all viewers, and for all of us to actually speak up and feel better about encountering such issues. :)
Regardless of whether we are children or parents, it's always super important to be kind and understanding towards one another. "Respect" should not be fostered through fear, but rather through mutual awareness and understanding :)
Cheers to all :D
I'm tearing up so hard rn shoot idk why, this is currently the same situation on my parents. This cheer me up lil bit, thank you for opened up and i feel I'm not alone in this situation. Thank you
Thank you for this sharing! Very meaningful content - you got yourself a subscriber :)
I am going through this and rented out my own place. Still recovering from all of these too. So glad this makes me feel less alone in this world.
Thank you John for sharing, wished this video could have came out last year. It could have saved my relationship & marriage 😢
Thank you John for sharing something so intimate. And I hope people in the comment do not judge his mom based on this. She may have her issues, but we probably won't understand what she went through and and what is her thought process/emotions/reactions that results in her actions
My sentiments exact ! John’s mom could have been in the same shoes as John now when she was growing up with a “ tiger dad “. Children growing up in that ( her ) era does not have “counselling sessions “ or get help in any form because that was the “ norm” at that time. They do not share their hurts and pains openly like we do now. Thus’ John’s mom could have developed a defensive mechanism “ adapted” this style of parenting without realising that she too had “ become her dad “ and causing the same pain to her kids. If only someone could helped her or if she have supportive people when she was growing up. Truth is no one is born a parent, they just become one and they have to learn good parenting skills and coping with kids and their different personalities . Having a supportive and understanding spouse could help tremendously too. We are definitely luckier and living in an era where there are platforms and communities that we can seek and learn from . We can’t really judged others ways of parenting until you become a parent yourself. I prayed and hoped that John and his mom will find a way to effectively communicate and find middle ground where they could understand, love and appreciated each other.
I relate sooo much it's almost like we have the same mum and thanks for sharing John, it really reassures me that my experience and reactions are valid.
Great content and very good interview!
thank you for sharing johnjohn uwu, feel less alone when being misunderstood all the time huhu
Oh my god.. i relate to this so much!😭Maybe not as strict but like having trauma after talking about a certain topic and hating her for it. I cant help but feel these intense emotions and im so glad he shared about it. Its all very conflicting, really.. because you love them so much but its so filled with anguish and a sort of hopelessness because we cant change our family... john is really admirable for going through that and still being open in other relationships and i hope it gets better! Also "particularly emotionally magnanimous" was very cool to hear xD
honestly this video is jus 💪🏻 and like it is really nice knowing that ppl understand and experience what u are gg through too !
omg i relate to john so much almost 90% of what he said is exactly what i am experiencing rn kuddos to john for sharing this 👍🏻
i thought i was the only one.. thanks john!
I hope John knows what an amazing person he is despite all the toxicity he experienced from home. Very similar experiences and I find solace in knowing how I feel is valid and how we have come to realise that we can be loved unconditionally by others for who we are.
Been thinking about this recently and coincidentally I chanced upon this video. John's sharing really resonated with how I feel about my mum as well. Especially now with COVID and online lessons/remote work necessitating more days of staying home, I find it really draining to have arguments/constant nagging everyday whenever we are at home together. Honestly dk why some parents can be so stubborn or traditionally rigid, always blaming others for their own mistakes and not themselves. Anw, thanks John for sharing!
I grew up in a very similar situation and for the longest time, even though I was satisfied with my performance in school, at work, or in my personal life, I could never live up to my mother's standards and it made me incredibly insecure about myself. However, I think that the upside of having someone make you doubt yourself so much growing up is that, once you understand who you are and really appreciate your identity and your strengths while understanding your weaknesses, you truly understand the concept of self love and gain a sense of conviction that will bring you comfort.
I can empathize with John. Hope he is at peace with this now.
I had a very dysfunctional relationship with both of my parents, and it still affects me mentally today - they'd gaslight and dump their issues on me too.
For new parents, when your kids are vocal about your behaviour, you should sit and listen to what they have to say - your relationship with your kids isn't a competition, where you have to try to win over everything. If you aren't ready to be parents, especially if you're still in a toxic mindset and financially unstable, please be aware that your behaviour would leave a huge mental scar on your kids.
the amount of times i nodded along to whatever John was saying..... glad to know im not alone