Dr. Gordon Neufeld- What Makes a Child Easy to Parent
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- Опубликовано: 21 май 2024
- In this excerpt from the introduction to his "Hold On to Your Kids" DVD (from the book by the same name), Dr. Neufeld talks both about why parenting is more difficult these days and what makes a child easy to parent. For more information about Dr. Neufeld and the Hold On to Your Kids book and DVD, go to: www.gordonneufeld.com
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This man actually has the true gold in terms of answers to parenting, families, schooling and society. Much more attention should be given to his teaching.
This man is a legend and deserves a honourary award
So, number one thing: CONNECTION. If you have this strong connection so, so much resolves itself.
I have only a barely 3 year old child, th s’more I read and listen to Neufeld the more I feel I’m blessed and lucky, because I let my child teach me to be a parent rather than me trying to teach her to be a child
I am glad you have that insights
It’s hard when you say intuitive.. because sometimes we need redirection and researching as a parent. My husband had very traumatic parenting and I had very neglectful. So if we do what is instinctive.. he would spank, bully and ignore them.. I would control and shame. We as a society need how to be taught to love and to train and to bond with children. We don’t bond with children naturally anymore.. we have boundaries and blocks because we don’t know how to attach to others. We as adults have been bullied, shamed, ignored.. we don’t know how to do otherwise.
That is why our own healing is required to parent a healthy child. A healthy child needs healthy caregivers.
Yes, natural, intuitive and instinctive.. also, "choice of words/ vocabulary" that we chose to use/ listen.❤❤❤❤❤
I wish Doctor Gordo. Was my dad! He understands it so we'll!! 😔😔
My dad was horribly angry and what made it worse was there was a language barrier to this day.
My children are grown and gone long ago - not a grandparent yet and my sensibilities re: parent/child are dulled from disuse. But I worked in the schools and had a knack and delighted in fine experiences with most children. Haim Ginnot was king and the objectivity lesson alone was a big help - liberating and empowering and loving for all. So I thought to listen to this, the latest, and refresh and update it all. Optimizing our parent/child self does help our way in every way. Thanksomuch.
What Dr. Neufeld is saying is that parenting without a context doesn't work. The context here being the relationship with the child. So, it would follow that simply applying a bunch of parenting skills, without the context of having developed a proper relationship with the child, is what doesn't work. So it is this lack of relationship context, which causes parenting skills to fail or to become redundant.
Very powerful Truth Thank you
I have one child who has fought us against everything.. since he was younger. Very head strong. We are at a loss??
Zeolite.
Strict schedules and routines.
Very limited screen time - yourself included.
Daily uninterrupted “special time” where there is no electronic devices and you’re down on the floor playing with your kids, making eye contact and encouraging them.
Get at eye level on a very regular basis.
Read to them
Teach them to do a new skill as often as possible, like painting, coloring, puzzles, mazes, tying their shoe, braiding, hopscotch etc.
Praise them more than you scold them.
Sensory activities before bed to stimulate their mind and relax their nervous system.
Plenty of physical activity throughout the day to burn excess energy.
Talking to them sweetly, instead of yelling get close to their eye level and lower your voice.
When they are being defiant and head strong, get quiet and still until you have their attention, get down at their eye level. Take a deep breath and say
“Hey buddy, I understand you must be really frustrated right now. What’s going on? How come you’re getting so mad? It’s totally fine to feel mad, but what’s making you feel that way. Look for compromises and solutions instead of control and results.
Just try to mentally understand what is motivating the defiance and put yourself in his shoes.
Make truces, talk about when you feel frustrated, pray over him, pray with him. Encourage him to talk about why he’s feeling defiant and what’s making him upset.
Spend as much quality time with him as possible, one on one and rebuild trust and dialogue.
By Alice Miller, Ph.D.: Understanding the cycle of abuse
Humiliations, spankings and beatings, slaps in the face, betrayal, sexual exploitation, derision, neglect, etc. are all forms of mistreatment, because they injure the integrity and dignity of a child, even if their consequences are not visible right away.
However, as adults, most abused children will suffer…, **AND let others suffer, from these injuries.
how can we connect when both parents are bearned out? most families have to have both mam and dad working to afford just the basics (house/heating/food/schooling/doctors etc) yes we buy them technology to keep them quite while we seat and watch them brain dead (and in some case regretting we end up like this) ...disconnect is almost invevitable under these conditions...[i love you] but [you are too much work i didn't think you would be] hence children understand they are a [problem] so of course they will disconnect and not learn to [love us] and [accept us] - just a remark
I was easy to parent but my parents had mental health issues.
This was 12 years ago 😯
And his advice is still gold.
7:57
Solution the love of a child for the parent.... Ky. Paradox
07:40
I have what is considered a "high maintenance" child. She is naturally difficult to parent because of her strong temperament. How can this work for someone like me (lol)?
Pray and then pray some more for God to change that child's heart, this is a heart problem.
@@thecklat9945 Why does the child need to change? Some people are naturally more strong tempered than others.
@@sams9181 Because if she has a strong temperament she probably has anger issues and for a child that is not good that’s a lot bigger of an issue. So I think the person above you have the answer that is correct the reason she should change is because it’s going to make life very hard for her people like her and she will probably be accused of being the “angry black woman”
Hello. Stranger Care... you know... DAY CARE. Can you think of anything more prevelant in our society in the last 30 years??? !!!!
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I agree, parents doesn’t spend that much time with their children nowadays, if it’s not at daycare it’s at school extra activities, etc. mostly because parents can’t afford a comfortable life without both working (if they each work in hourly jobs at $10-15 per hour). So unless one of the parents make at least 45000 per year, both parents have to work.
04:44 u cannot teach this but it makes a child higgly trachabble........
OOPS CLICKED WRONG TING SHIT
Okay? So where’s the solutions, examples and scenarios? I feel like he’s using a lot of words and concepts but not explaining how or what the issues are.
Everyone raves about this guy for learning how to parent but I have watched so much of his stuff on youtube and feel like I haven’t learned anything practical that I can apply, just concepts that I don’t know how to put into practice,
Here's some from him that might help:
1. Separation (or a feeling of it) is a child's number one fear. Identify times of separation in your day (school, bedtime, etc.) and make sure to "collect" your child when you meet them again (after school, in the morning). Collecting means taking the initiative to forge a connection. Look them in the eyes, smile at them, hug them, be happy to see them again. Let them know their connection with you is safe. Wake up a little early and spend 10 extra minutes in the morning bonding before sending them off to school.
2. Make sure the child does not have to work at their relationship with you. As much as possible, take the initiative. Go to your child before she comes to you. If she gives you a hug, give her an even bigger hug. If you only do things when she invites you, it will never be enough for her. She'll always think you're doing it just to appease her, not because you want to. She must feel completely dependent and taken care of by you.
3. Make sure you provide a safe environment that your child can play in. Play is a non-negotiable need for a child that helps them develop and mature. The activity is engaging, done for its own sake, and is not outcome based. A child must initiate play on his own. He cannot be coerced into it. Your job is just to strengthen the connection you have with your child. If he feels secure in his attachment with you, he will start playing. Do NOT praise your child when he is playing -- the play stops because the activity now has an outcome: "make mommy/daddy praise me more." Entertainment never counts as play -- so video games, computer games, tv, youtube videos, etc. are fun but will not help a child develop.
4. If your child is having trouble sleeping, try giving him something that has your smell on it or something that reminds him of you. The idea is to help him hold on to you.
5. Do not be in a hurry to make your child independent. If she wants to do something herself, definitely let her, but don't shy away from helping if you see she needs it. Guide her. Independence is nature's goal and will come in time, but only if you invite dependence first.
What a rubbish! What Gordon says here contradicts all of my experience as a parent: if you love your Child, it will do as well. The parent is the rollmodell. We know from extensive research in attachment-theory that the parents ability to tune in to its child is paramount for the childs willingness for cooperation. It is of course the parents responsibility to connect and not the childs inability if it doesn´t work out as I understood Gordon says here.
Yoshi Frey I don’t love my parents
You understood it wrong, because this is the intro part, and it goes much deeper than this. I've read the book and it's excellent.
In short, child's love for and attachment to you is what makes a child teachable, and you as a parent get there by providing love and nurturing context for your child to grow. So it's kind of on the same/similar track as you seem to see it. The book goes to show in great depth possible ways to do it. Also the book shows how it's dangerous for kids when they don't get that love and nurture where they need it (parents) and start looking for it where it cannot be offered (peers), and what the dire consequences of that are. Furthermore, the new edition of the book goes deep into what smartphones and digital devices do to a child and why they need to dissapear from the hands of our children.
This book changed my life and made me come home from my business trips in tears to my baby boy and wife. I have been raised by peers since I was about 13 years old and I've been a smart device addict for years. I could never actually pinpoint all the reasons of my anxiety and depression, and this book made me see it, recognize, deal with it and let go. I hope I can now be a good father to my boy.
The book is a life changer if you know how to read it. I ignored the religious and conservative connotations of it (it's an agenda-pushing, unnatural-feeling part), but other than that, the book has a lot to offer.
@@Luka_menorykee
An you provide the name of the book please?
@@jennyquezada9644
Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
Book by Gabor Maté and Gordon Neufeld
My beloved cat Tux gave birth to six of the most lovely kittens on God's green earth. How can I parent these little furry creatures?