Why the INFJ Ruins Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 13 янв 2020
- The problem that the INFJ personality type causes in relationships.
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I've been struggling with myself and my relationships for the past few years. I've been trying to learn to manage them better but last year I realised that I d9nt really know myself. I took the test and found that I have INFJ personality. I've been watching your videos ever since then and they've been really helpful. You way you explain each topic is so intricately eloquent. Its make one want to listen and figure out how it applies to me. Just wanted to say Thank you.
This pin made me laugh & reminded me that after watching your "marinara sauce" video, I started getting recommendations for MORE marinara sauce recipe/tutorial videos! Lol!🍝 Thanks, FJ! 😉
ruin my concrete recommendations/subscriptions with some sweet infj ideas, meanings and abstractions)
cool and good
This is an unrelated topic, but I enjoyed your latest "live stream"... first one I've gotten to watch LIVE! 😊
My video recommendations have been ruined since I tried to argue with you about Jordan Peterson in like, September 2018 ❤️
(Seriously though. Help 😪)
“why the infj ruins relationships”
me: “okay let’s see what else i’m doing wrong.”
👏
This comment made my day😂
Yep,that's the boyfriend
WAHAHAHHAHA LITERALLY ME RN
Hahahahahahahha I literally thought the same thing
On behalf of INFJs I think we can all agree that we confuse ourselves as well.
Fr
Yes
Yep, I always think I know myself when it comes to relationships then I out do myself again 🤦🏻♀️😂
I don’t
danna Pasos no argument there
As INFJ, who else agree that we easily lose respect for people once they break a certain boundary we created in our heads? And it's really no way we could rebuild that respect no matter how much we try? It seems like our bodies reject this reconnection with that person. Ugh and I can't do anything about it.
Scary accurate
💯
You should listen to your body. It is protecting you from your overly empathetic nature
I do that and it's scary how easily I can let relationshipd go.
Once it gets to that point. Something was definitely done to cross my boundaries. We have to respect our own
Goddammit this made me realize that I see everyone as characters. Bundles of personality traits that I can use to tell exactly what they will do in every situation. Oh my god why
underrated comment
It's like we're playing chess game on people
I feel like Im the spectator of the story 💀
Made me realize it too and I’m really concerned because I would like to stop doing this but it’s my only way of knowing people and I don’t know how to stop…
ENFP here.
Try to conceptualise your own core values & to choose partners with the same values.
As your partner explores & changes, you will notice the relationship between their new choices & their values,
And probably be able to adjust more lovingly, or to help them recenter when needed.
Also, forgive yourself for distancing from ill-matched values.
"I want someone who is emotionally independent but also will literally die if they leave me" description of relationships from my INFJ friend
I never related to anything so hard in my life
100%
Omg this is so RELATABLE
I'm an INFJ and I don't really relate to this. I mean, I surely understand the meaning behind that sentence, but I feel like if someone leave me it only means that I wasn't enough, u know? So sometimes I am like: "Oh, so they don't love me, I see... Maybe I was born wrong, or maybe everything is meaningless and love doesn't exist? No, I think it's just my fault in the end, maybe I didn't even really love them. What's the point of life, anyway? I thought it was love but now I can't understand anymore. Let's just try and don't give a fuck.". And that's not even close to be as long as the conversations with myself that I have like every day of my life... Sorry for the outburst
then they need me an Enfp right here :D
Woman: "Are you objectifying me?!"
INFJ: "Yes, but in a conceptual way, not sexually."
looooooooooool
Yes xD
Haha lol guilty
Women: I quit then. I thought I will be objectified in bed. DISAPPAOINTED
😂😂😂
I do feel that people are “walking chaos.” As an INFJ, it feels like I keep searching for people who have an internal integrity that I can trust. Over time, I begin to think that I know who they are, and then *kaboom* … I feel shocked and betrayed by actions that bring chaos into my life, and that I never saw coming. Thank you for explaining this so well.
😢
IINFJs are naturally blessed (cursed?) with an inexplicable sense of chaos. Even though we often can't explain it to ourselves, we know it is out there, we sense it is approaching way before the first signs of it become obvious to others, and we act. We act in advance and it may appear as if we exert total control, but we do not. In fact, we don't even care what people do, as long as they don't bring or create chaos. Do you want to live your free chaotic life? Fine! But don't drag me into it.
I am an INFJ and I never ruined a relationship
I also never had one to ruin in the first place
😂😂
Ha ha!!!! That's great!
😂😂
You're rare bro.
Noo you exposed me there 😭
As an INFJ, just from my experience, my biggest problem is after truly opening up, I feel like I am draining the other person with my thoughts and emotions. Then I shut down, start seeing a pattern of their behavior, and I see it is over before it is.
This is painfully relatable 👍👍
Going thru this right now 😭
damn pathetic true af 😭😭
Find an infp, my bf is infp and just listens to me talk and talk and talk about my feelings for hours haha
@@AZ-ti8jt that's great :)
INFJ here. My experience of why I struggle with relationships:
- Because of our ability to see patterns, we think we know the future. So I think I know how the relationship is going to end BEFORE it even started.
- We're good at figuring out people, so I think I can decide right away if we are going to be compatible or not.
- We struggle living in the present... I'm always thinking ahead, wondering if there is something better out there.
- Our obsession with bettering, improving, developing ALL THE TIME... often causes me to feel like I'm "outgrowing" the other person (which is so unfair to said person...) and I get bored. Again with the "is there something better, more perfect out there?" thoughts.
This is the most true thing I've ever read on the internet.
I can’t believe someone said it so well... ⭐️
Absolutely this!
Lilani Barnard yes! So true and sad at the same time :/
fck
As an Infj whenever I catch myself setting unrealistically high expectations for others I put myself in their position to see if I would be able to do the same if not it helps me realize that I need to lower my expectations and stop overanalyzing things.
the sad part is i realize that i actually do that and maybe sometimes i have this idealistic image in my head but i realize lately from people hurting me that it's really a low bar actually lol but then i think "it'd just be easier there was another me" then i realize that IS actually unrealistically high expectations 😔 i think i'm just tired of giving and not giving back what i put in
As an infj...I have a hard time understanding what you mean by unrealistically high expectations? 😂
What you call "CONTROL" I call Predictability. We condense them to their essence, which is a sliding scale; and assess them based on their potential.
Mylifestartedtodayiveneverfeltthishappyivethoughtabouttakingthefinalstepmanytiacantmakeupmymindmimslowmesbecauseisawnowayoutnowimgonnabeokgoodthingim
We also might be controlling too though based on our "idea" of a person when they don't fit the image
Missing the point. You can’t predict humans to a T. You can make assumptions but you can’t enforce your beliefs on people:
I literally have full blown conversations with the abstract version of my loved one in my head, in anticipation of a proposed conflict that doesn’t even yet exist. It’s absolutely insane.
I feel seen. LOL
Omg truth right here
Ha ha ha😭😭😭
Omg I'm sooo thrilled I'm not the only one wtf is this🙃
Damn do the INFJ’s do this ?
It seems to me that INFJs are happier in the misery of pining for lost love... than to accept the love that is right in front of them.
Yess i agree, its so hard to be like this 😢
Omg thats so true
I feel personally attacked😂😂😂
I don't know my personality type yet but i can relate with you.
Oops 😬 i think that’s me
I'm an infj female, married to my husband for 10 years who is an estj. He definitely keeps me grounded, looks at things logistically, and he's a goofball like me. He's very straightforward, says what he thinks, but is very kind and caring. There's no unnecessary drama or mind games in the relationship which is what I dealt with when dating other personality types. We have a lot of similarities, but his differences help me in my weak areas. If I start to get too in my head, he brings me back. Ultimately, God is at the center of our relationship.
that's so beautiful
Dang this is SO true!
When it comes to imagining a romantic relationship, I play it all out in my head first, then I try putting the conversation and actions into the real world and then I just get frustrated and depressed with the total failed outcome.
And in my head I'm like, why didn't the person follow the script, we could've had a great time/life! 😒
Omg so accurate
Maybe we should all direct movies ;-;
Growing up our family didn't have conversations, just yelled, so all conversations were in my head. Very hard habit to break.
Hahahhaha so true! You nailed it, then end up crushed cause this false reality I've created seemed to real. We really know how to hurt ourselves
Me too 😅😅😂😂 I have entire possible tv serials in my head 😅😅 and even when I need to have a conversation, I replay it in my head over and over with the exact script for both parties and then in reality it doesn't follow the exact script 😅😢😢
Walls ... As an INFJ myself, I often find myself questioning whether I have any friends at all and often, when I sit down to think through why I feel like I don't have any friends, I know I put up walls... But I can't tear them down... I get to know people really well but never let them know me - so I only have myself to blame for the feeling of friendlessness or loneliness.
I tAke a pOtatoe chip and EAT IT
So fucking true.
i feel you ..... 😅😃☺🙂😐😑
Similar for me. I’m an ENFP and whenever I start to feel depressed I never let anyone see it. I insist to everyone that I’m fine, I guess cuz I don’t want to make them feel sad or have them worry about me maybe. Then I sometimes find myself wondering if I have any true friends cuz it feels like people are only around when I’m doing well and times are good. Idk who would really be there for me when I’m down but I have to remind myself it’s my own fault for that. I don’t give people a chance to be there, so I can’t really blame them for not being there.
Yes, but and a big but, drop the guilt and blame tripping already. Can't live a whole life doing that on repeat. It takes way too much energy and ails the human who does it big time.
But all the INFJs out there, can we all agree that people are better in our heads than in reality?
Also can't believe you're in your 30s FJ.
Yes.
I think we have that initial, imbedded hope for humanity and individuals and are let down when we witness their shortcomings. This isn't an argument about the goodness of humanity but our expectations or idealistic views can cause aggravation sometimes. Even when people don't meet my expectations or things go different than I had assumed, I don't go home thinking everyone is bad or that people could never rise to the occasion I believe it. I have met really great people and will continue to do so in my lifetime. It's a mixture. It also depends maybe as to why people aren't as good as we want them to be. It's a want. It's an ideal. Not ideal for everyone and not realistic sometimes. To put it generically, we're human.
Always. It makes me sad that what’s in my imagination could never exist in the real world.
Can never trust someone won't hurt you. Coz they're not God.
Plus not hurting you is a scarily high expectation to have.
Lastly, it comes about by not really seeing ourselves. The more I love out of the INFJ, is the more I notice what's important to other people. It's hard to think about self as doing bad, when you're busy planning all day how to be nice
You don't realize how many times I have watched descendents cause I made it so much cooler in my head and I thought dang ya those are pretty good movies and then I watch them and I'm like no their not
Now imagine being an INFJ woman, really taking the time to get to know the person you date, being showered with love (adoration rather) and I mean SHOWERED. Then after the first infatuation period (for them), they scale down on adoring you (which, we can assume is inevitable), they are less inclinded to have these wonderful conversations about life that they seemed to enjoy with you before, they are less open with you etc. As an INFJ I was crushed about this change. From my perspective, I wanted to talk about these things but most of the time it was not reciprocated and/or negatively commented on. I really tried but it made me spiral so bad with negative thoughts about myself, about the relationship even though I have been in therapy for three years at that point. So I guess I wanted to say that INFJs are people too and sometimes the changes in another are not so subtle and would probably cause a reaction in anyone. To us they are more triggering for sure.
Wow that is what I am soooo afraid of happening again
@Kat 87 . Yep. Scaling down happens. And it's basically impossible to predict in advance what level of scale-down there's gonna be. So what do? Well - predict your "crushed" after the crush period is over, and build a life around that - whatever that's gonna mean for you... Tricky. But armed with knowledge, some strategy must be possible? x
Sounds like a narcissistic cycle for me. Love-bombing stage and then the rest.
Narcissistic relationship.😢
Yep I had the same experience too, as an INFJ woman. I understand that my values and standards I have for myself are higher than I have for others, but I’m pretty sure that relationship I had just turned out to be a dud, just like the dude! I know my faults quite well, I don’t think my BF at the time saw his and I’m pretty sure it was a semi-narcissistic situation. I was showered with compliments, love, admiration, respect, even gifts and then it all of a sudden went cold, like not cooling off settling in to the relationship kind of thing, just like he was night and day thing. I’m still healing from it. I’ve learned it’s easier to walk away now and I find initially, I get taken in by narcissistic people whether family, friend or romantic over my life, except now I’ve gotten better at spotting the warning signs and knowing when I need to cut things off. Best advice is educate yourself on narcissism and how to spot it because a lot of people out there are.
I ended all of my relationships (friendships) either abruptly, or dramatically or on a bad note.
Just recently I realized that, and I decided I'm never going in a relationship or befriend anyone ever again.
I built incredibly high walls around me that no one can ever tear down, so that I never get hurt, or hurt anyone else.
Totally can relate! Me too!
I feel exposed just reading this. I relate
One year later…how’s this working out?
It's the least healthiest thing you can do. Live and learn.
@garyschollmeier779 I am now, thank you
I was really immature i'm doing just fine now😅
Me: Falls in love with this specific person.
Specific person: I love you too-
Me: *_aight imma head out_*
Haha...me too 😪 but usually after a couple months
@@momentsformoms9467
Rip to us and our short span of emotional intimacy ;-;
(Can't forget our self sabotage bc we already know the relationship's gonna fail since the first month lmaaao)
The accuracy is beautiful to witness
humongous pp energy I never got a notification on this comment but yes,very true.
This is the most fucking relatable thing I've ever seen
as an infj, i fantasize/daydream about how i'd be able to solve all my problems by socializing or having a support group or something but I just end up backing out or keeping quiet when the opportunity to open up or talk arises
being able to do that will allow certain empaths to dive into said mind to help or harm them depending on your alignment.
Same here. I have tried to reach out a couple times and the other people in the social group pulled away. I know that if someone tried to *genuinely* reach out, I could probably get past this dilemma. Unfortunately, no one has done it.
ME TOO AAA
Same😭😭😭
Yep..exactly.
Went on one date with this person, he asked too many questions and didn’t let me question him or get to know him that much. I left feeling violated and almost mad because I felt I had bared my soul to someone who I didn’t get the chance to analyze and figure out. He was kind and really interested in me and we had great chemistry but I had noooo control and it bothered me! Needless to say, I ruined the whole thing by blocking his number because I was afraid that he had figured me out and would eventually reject me anyways. So I made it easy for both of us. I do this a lot, I project my own feelings and rejection of myself onto others. It’s really bad but I just feel so at ease now that I’m back to my aloneness and safe space.
My whole life summed up in a paragraph. Last sentence is ASMR.
Omg yes the fear of loosing control of yourself is a huge factor.
"People are walking chaos." Never a truer word spoken!
Well dressed passerby, look at that shit show, lol
Me: I like you.
other: me too.
Me: aww really--
wait,
what if he's just being nice?
Maybe this is a prank?
Maybe I should have never said that?
Do I actually like him? For how long?
Will I be able to make him happy?
What will happen if we break up?
Is this is true self or am I assuming he's this type of person?
Do I actually know enough about him?
Can I trust him?
Am I being delusional about this?
Am I even worth it?
What will happen if his friends don't like me?
What will I lose?
Is friendship better?
How can I be certain?
Does he actually, actually like me?
Will I waste my life?
Will I waste his life?
Who will I hurt if I date him?
What will happen to me, will I change?
I wrote all that without stopping
~ an INFJ
Every. Single. Time.
I relate to this comment so much 😂
Umm..so yeah... I always get those thoughts abt my friends. It's like "What if I changed a bit and they don't really like me anymore? We agreed to meet but what if they feel pressure and don't really want to? They don't like me anymore. I'm forcing them into that friendship. I deffinitely said something wrong and bc of that they don't feel comfortable with me anymore".
It's so annoying, idk what to do abt it 😭.
Yes 🙃
Looks like my thoughts 👀
As an INFJ This comment section is the only thing I could fully relate to.
Ikr
Ditto. I think this guy may have this issue! I’m not like that at all. I get excited for people when they drop something new on me. I get excited for them.
Me too
Totally agree
As an ENTP, i see that the amount of people who only have a very superficial knowledge of the dumb pseudosience called MBTI is very high
INFJ male empath: I got REAL good at cutting people out of my life. The "door slam" technique has helped once I observed toxic/abusive tendencies in others. It really is all about balance. (Libra) How we treat others vs how they treat us. Words can lie, actions can be staged, but patterns are everything!
I'm an INFJ empath and libra too 😃
Me too
You're me
I’m an INFJ-T, Libra and empath. Well Said, I have felt this exact way in my relationships and have reacted with the door slam technique because of toxic behavior that is a pattern that has shown itself over and over and over. If the balance isn’t there and it’s a one sided relationship, I’m out.
@@aaronlepisto5593 wow. This me exactly.
As an INFJ who just had my 5 year wedding anniversary and couldn't be more happy in my relationship, I can say from experience that my faith in God (I know, yes a religious INFJ!) and what I have learned about relationships from the Bible helped a TON. I am not perfect at it, but Jesus is the one who taught me to let go of that control tendency. Not trying to be preachy, but I would be remiss if I didn't share with my fellow INFJ-ers an option that might really help.
I'm an INFJ/TJ (51/49, right on the line) and I think religion and spirituality are great as long as you don't use them as a cudgel to judge or hate. A lot of the dominant religions do that. But if you're practicing a faith that emphasizes love and respect for others and does no harm, I think that's great. Community of any kind is useful for staying grounded and supported.
Praise the Lord and amen. Thank you for sharing!
AMEN
Dude thanks for sharing this comment! I'm a Christian too and just did a personality test revealing I am INFJ-T. It's kinda weird hearing vids perfectly describe some of my traits. Including some of the more negative ones I've allowed to fester in myself. But I'm trying really hard to trust the Lord in helping me change the less then desirable traits I have.
So amazing to read this! I am a Christian INFJ female too, and ended a connection with an INTJ. We dated 3 times, but I played it all out in my head, thinking it would not work. Now I regret my decision, not sure what to do. Either leave it the way it is (as I think God has a reason for it), or get back in contact with him (as I guess he will be oke with it).
INFJs: “Wait, y’all aren’t written side characters?!”
Rachel Ouk
*laughs in no friends*
NPCs everywhere
yoooooooo
Underrated comment
except mostly they are side characters
Could this be one of the reasons why INFJs are typically really into Myers-Briggs to begin with? Because we like to 'codify' people and allocate them into categories that kind of sum them up conceptually? It's not enough to just let people exist and be... it's like we want insight into how they'll behave and how they think in order to remove some of the chaos of getting to know others.
I think another reason we are super into all this mbti stuff is because we are often confused about ourselves. I think as an Infj, I've always been confused as to who I am and I barely understood myself and I feel like a lot of us can relate. It's a lot nicer to categorize our feelings.
@@shiteater-lz4gr 100% agree! Like... there may be unavoidable chaos outside, but at least we can try and sort through the chaos inside
Yes.
desroses Building off your response, it also validates what I’ve felt and noticed on my own throughout the years. It’s like being told something you already knew but didn’t realize or think about it until then.
desroses How did you decide that you’re an INFJ? I started exploring these Mbti tests and i got INFJ 3 times in the site 16personalites and ISFJ in 2 diferent other sites. When i got INFJ the first time, this whole history of being a rare type made me afraid of the result and when i got ISFJ just made me doubt even more. And know i’m searching vídeos and videos and sites on english or portuguese ( my mother language ), but i get nowhere
“Don’t fight in the North or the South. Fight every battle everywhere, always, in your mind. Everyone is your enemy, everyone is your friend. Every possible series of events is happening all at once. Live that way and nothing will surprise you. Everything that happens will be something that you’ve seen before.” - Littlefinger
My favorite character
as a infj, i released that im happier chasing for a perfect love than literally live the perfect love because i ruin everything when i feel that i have to do it... thats really chaotic
I’m an INFJ who’s in love with the concept of love but can never have a good and healthy relationship
Love is cute.
@@untappedpotentialmindset love is hurt
Love is about loving the person not the concept, otherwise it's infatuation.
Same here, I always attract narcissistic man.
I rlly couldn't either. Til I met an INFP and it kinda clicks
Edit: welll, it did 😣
I can unconditionally love people--- from a distance
Leah T HAHAHAHAHAHA I SOOOOOOOOO feel this !!!!!!!!!!!!!
And so that's what i do now....coz getting too close got me hurt n abused.
Omg! Me too! I realize this now
me too
"from a distance" is a condition
One thing I experienced that I think can be problematic is that sometimes infjs will think they figured you out so well that they know whats going on in your head and when you say they are wrong they don't even listen to you and coming back to a topic some time later you realize that they still think the same thing that you told them was wrong just bc it fits the picture that they have of you in their head😅
So well said!
I say this kindly, truly: Sounds like someone who betrayed an infj's trust. Sorry, tbh you'll never really get it back... once you betray an infj, we have to see you differently forever. Believe me, I have wished I could change this about myself but it's just what happens when you're true infj. We can forgive. It's not about forgiveness. Its not about evening the score. It's about authenticity, restoration can't ever happen 100% with us and someone who betrayed our trust or our best interest. Our souls are on a passionate, inescapable quest for impeccable authenticity, a quest that we were born into but never asked to be on. It's almost the only thing we look for in all parts of life. Once you reveal yourself not to have that, you no longer resonate. We even feel bad about that, but we can't change it. We can forgive but we can't ever again see you as a potential source of the noble authenticity we craved to find somewhere in some corner of the world. We must move forward and continue searching. I am sorry. We must.
Wow, I can honestly say this is pretty dang accurate, nice video!
I’m an ENFP, fell head over heels with an INFJ, knew each other for 3+ years and worked in the same department in retail. Ended up becoming good friends and on my last day on the job before going to work somewhere else, I ended up saying screw it and told him I loved him.
He said he felt the same way, but after I started my other job I almost never heard from him, and if I wanted to see him, I had to drive 1/2 hr from my new job back to the store he still worked at. I knew he was having thoughts similar to the ones described in this video, but there wasn’t really much I felt I could do at the time except watch him gradually close himself off from me until I felt like there was no point in driving 1/2 hr just to see him and hope that *maybe* he’d be there and we’d be able to talk over his lunch.
My younger sister had seen him at her job recently, and she said I was the first thing he asked about, so I thought that maybe *I* was the one overthinking and that he had just been busy with other things. I texted him, told him I was sorry for not keeping in touch and that I was currently going through some stuff, but that I thought about him every day and hoped he was okay, and he never even replied.
I think about him every single day, but I feel like I could text him as many times as I want or show up every day for a week and he still wouldn’t actually be willing to give me a chance, due to the simple fact that that’s just how his brain works; he likes having me around so he can have a relationship with me in his head, but when the option comes up to actually make that a possible reality, he panics and decides he’s much safer alone :/
Break the barrier
@@truthtips8118how
We love the concept of people, that's why me, being an INFJ cry for characters
The heroic legend of Arslan Anime is there for you. Its booming a lot of them in there. - Best regards from an INFP
Wow so true
Same
If my soul were put into sentence, it would be your comment 😭👍
Well.. i dont but im a infj, Just have more knowledge about psychology
"I love the idea of you. Not the real you." -INFJ (we're messed up 😏)
UGH. So true. Do you guys just like dwelling in your own personal hell or something?
@@nadinegomez8858 Seems to be the case. But I know were able to change. The important thing is to fully realize this deep set flaw :)
It true...
It bad...
It make me feel crazy...
Dude yes
I fell in love with a girl so hard my sister pulled me aside and showed me literal documentation of her having a criminal record and lying about everything she told me. It was quite a fuckin wake up call
"If you're gonna love them unconditionally, that means just letting go and letting them be who they are" this is so simple and true, however so often forgotten
I enjoyed the video, I think the points you made are very accurate, in my own private opinion ;)
I feel like I have the opposite problem. I view people with unending grace and understanding knowing that they can improve, and it's only after they've hurt me to the core that I actually view who they actually are and protect myself.
I relate to this 😔 my empathetic side takes over a lot, sometimes to my own detriment.
It doesn't seem to be the opposite problem, you're still putting your idea of them before the real them
Oh my goodness this is me!
Can I change my personality type? I don't like it here.
Same I'd pay good money to change my type
Just gotta be conscious about each thought n action
But that's part of the problem
I like it here.
Me too! 😔
"do I see reality correctly?" 😂 That's my everyday life question lol
Ella 3927 😂
Me too
I’m saying 😌
OMG YES ! sometimes I even ask '' is there another reality beyond what I am seeing now ? Is this my reality ? ''
I am married to an INFJ
INTJ here with an INFJ friend in law school. We do this to each other 24/7 and we both know we can’t help it. We read people like case books all the time.
We definitely have major issues. We’re too over thinking everything. Analyses paralysis.
Commiting your life to Jesus is key for an INFJ. It all balances out in a wonderful way. Thankful to be an INFJ.
You'd better get to meditate vipassana instead of committing to Jesus.
@@planetary-rendez-vous when we die we will meet Jesus.
Rhonda Cruce but like why jesus... how do you know for sure it’s some guy named jesus who created something called heaven? and why heaven? there’s so many possibilities in this infinite universe why just this ONE option? i’m sorry this is just what goes in my mind when i see literally anything
Yep. Same
I guess the gist is, don’t put people on a pedestal and act surprised when they don’t align with your fantasy of who they are or of what they do
I wouldn’t say pedestal, I think he means more “putting people in a certain box” per se.. this is the part that sucks the most of being an INFJ. Try being an INFJ-Empath with Neptune in the 5th house, makes one idealize and fantasize about what our partner should be/look like, we get lost in this fantasy that exists only in our heads 😩
F G I can’t relate! But yeah, I guess the box analogy works too, as does a pedestal. They’re different but similar. They can both alienate a potential partner from you
Right
So true. I idealize people, believe they are what I decided they are and then one day comes the realization they are not. And I'm devastated, almost ready to perform the door slam. This trait scares me. It seems I do it automatically so I don't notice until it's too late.
You Said this is very true
Speaking for myself, I love it when I see people change because they are intentionally improving themselves. But when it turns out that they are different because my assessment of them was wrong, then my feelings for them evaporate. It's like I liked a person that never existed, and you are not that person therefore deserve none of that affection.
Ouch, so true!!
I think it’s important to understand that there are instances when regardless of your personality type, you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship. Which can be easily confused with the gas lighting. Your emotions are still valid fellow INFJs 🙌🏼
Is it just me? But as an INFJ I find myself "literally" hating that I met someone when I have a bad experience with them. I tend to blame myself for "allowing" them in my life even though I knew exactly how it would end. I tend to ask myself often, "What did you learn from them and why?" When I cannot come to terms with the experience the hate begins. I do not hate the individual, but instead, hate the experience. Knowing the experience was unnecessary and I feel foolish for even allowing it to happen in the first place. Why go to a carnival if you're afraid of rides? Life comes to you regardless if you want it to or not. Living...
Oh my god yeah!! I've been in a bad relationship and Now asked myself how did I stay there. Why did I do the things I've Done. How did I think it was Okay. I just wish it never happened and I hated myself for letting it. I hated myself for letting myself open up and be vulnerable, as it resulted into getting hurt. And yet, I was So lonely at the time I couldn't help it.
Exactly!
Perfect analogy
okay exactly i'm tearing up rn bc of this coz what you said are all tru :'(
Ohhhh! So true, can relate!
In my experience, the main thing for an INFJ is our partner needs to be as transparent, honest, and up front as possible. It helps us stay calm when we know. It doesn't mean they need to keep updating us every second, just, we want to not have any big surprises about you or your past/future post commitment.
People who can't do that for us, we won't commit to. Because above love we value honesty. People who want to be with an INFJ NEED to fight to be in our bubble and show it to us. If people just want to "exist" that's in them and they can totally stay outside my bubble, if they care, show me. Prove it.
That’s very true. The thing is, no one can ever share everything about who they are, so there will constantly be new surprises. There’s also the fact that people aren’t always ready to share everything because that would require fully trusting you, and trust is something that develops over time.
All humans need to keep things private until they’re ready to share them. It’s not dishonest, it’s human nature. It’s also necessary to take care of oneself.
INFJs understand this on a personal level more than anyone and yet a tendency appears to hold others to standards they don’t extend to themselves. 🤷🏻♀️
It’s also a two way street: if for an example an INFJ reacts to someone’s honesty with judgement and criticism, there is a chance that the someone will not feel safe to be upfront next time and will hold it in, especially if they’re a personality type that avoids conflict and dislikes criticism. You want honesty and open dialogue? You need to create and maintain a safe environment that welcomes and encourages it.
Most accuracy description of all my relationships I've ever read
This is me 100%! Transparency is a huge deal to me.
You have a beautiful profile pic, closest INFJ vibes from it, can I get a link?
Totally what you said! I disagree that I am controlling... Not that I don't agree with Frank's explanation of it as a function, I just don't agree with calling it "control". I most definitely do NOT want to control someone into being who I want them to be, nor do I want them to be or say what they THINK I would want. More than anything I want them to be their true authentic self. I want them to be confident and comfortable in accepting themselves, flaws and all, and spell it all out for more me, upfront, and painfully honest! I want to make an informed decision on this person, know what to expect, know what I'm getting myself into, rather than blindly diving in and leaving it to chance. I don't care about their faults or past mistakes, obviously depending on just how serious they are, but I can accept most people's experiences of life, and the things they may hate about themselves... because we all have those insecurities. All of that bad stuff is perfectly normal and acceptable to me. Just let me know it NOW, before scamming me into believing you're something you're actually not. To me, everything has to be about truth, closely followed by loyalty. I just don't see the point in forming a relationship with someone, no matter the type of relationship, to invest time in that person, to have a handle on who they are, only to find out weeks or months later they're actually an arsehole! Tell me who you are, and what it is you're looking for. It's not about controlling someone or something, it's about laying it out on the table warts and all, so that both parties can decide if this person is worth getting to know. They know who I am! I hold nothing back right from the start! I'd rather be hated and rejected for who I am, than loved for someone I'm not! I don't know why other people can't be as upfront and honest? Is it asking too much to expect that? Why be deceitful? Why would anyone want to start a relationship, spend time getting to know someone, whilst holding back a "deal-breaker" fact about themselves? Knowing full well it could jeopardise and ruin the relationship when it comes to light? That literally makes no sense to me whatsoever! Just tell me who you really are, not who you think I want you to be, and not the edited photoshopped version of yourself that you like to portray!
And totally I need evidence of their loyalty and commitment! Not words, well, yes words - but the words must be affirmative and consistent. I shouldn't have to doubt their loyalty for a second! If someone is talking about me, pull them on it! If someone is cornering me, come ask if I'm ok or suggest we walk away from the situation together. Don't say later, "I didn't want to get involved" because you ARE involved with ME! I don't need anyone to agree with my opinion, I don't need anyone to fight my battles, I don't expect my friend or partner to wade in and rescue me, but I do need to see that they won't tolerate anyone speaking or acting disrespectfully toward me, that they are committed to supporting me, standing by me, and defending me when I'm not there to defend myself! That's what a relationship is surely? Otherwise, what's the point? Regardless of personality type, I can't understand why this isn't the minimum requirements, for ALL of us to expect from our partners, family members or closest friends.
As an INFJ, I've totally come to terms with who I am and what I want in life... as a single gal. I'm perfectly happy just being a sole performance at the moment. I'm so aware of myself and people, it actually takes more energy to not overthink everything, to pretend you don't see the future, and to believe in vague possibility. I'm better single, and I'm perfectly happy with that. No messy endings, no intertwined drama, no broken pieces to ignore... just me, being me, helping others be them, supporting others being together, and feeling confident in the here and now. God meant our personalities for something special, and that makes me feel thankful and blessed! Wherever the storyline leads is fine by me.. and I love how we're talking about this as a thing now. Great videos!
I know this is an old comment but you expressed it beautifully. I am curious if you still feel the same, 1 year later? Don't feel like you have to reply if you'd rather not. I'm in this mental space of trying to understand myself and my life, and my contentedness as a single woman vs a lingering longing for companionship.
@@marianhreads Hi Marian! 👋🏻 Thanks for noticing my comment, and of course I'm happy to reply!
So to answer your question... yes I feel the same exactly 1 year later - but with some added emotions I'm working through....
I still feel very thankful for moments that spark and moments of peace. Being comfortable in my independent situation has become almost too familiar, to the point I don't spend much thought on it. I enjoy making my own routines, and managing my life in accordance with my personality quirks.
But I'm also going through a period of remembrance and acceptance... a crucial part of growth that I've forsaken far too long. In this quiet solo time, I have the chance to look back at past relationships and discern their highs and lows, from a slightly older - wiser perspective. I'm unlocking memories once stamped as "broken mistakes" and relabeling them as "beautiful reflections" of time and traits long ago. I'm recovering lil pieces of myself I lost along the journey of love, loss, and life... and finding their value once again.
I'm also breaking free from fabricated versions of myself created along the way to fit in, but never quite. Feeling comfortable in my own skin, comfy clothes, and relaxed mood is a whole vibe I'm learning to embrace.
Still amidst all the fancy ways to explain away the inevitable self imposed comparisons... everyone longs to feel a part of some great love, meant to be or not. There are days I desire to know how it feels, and others I'm thankful right where I'm at... in the today... focused on God's perfect plan for me... so I can give whomever the best version of myself! ❤️
Hope that helps encourage, empathize, and inspire someone on this journey too! 🙏🏻
@@WhiteRosefromSoCal Thank you for this... and wow, I relate to a lot of what you wrote. It is nice to hear someone who has gone through similar things, and you have a lovely outlook about it. God bless! 💛
@@marianhreads God bless you too! ...and I hope you find the true happiness and peace you are looking for too!
I think the difference for me in this situation is that, despite being an INFJ, I feel that my principles wouldn't allow me to just walk away from the relationship simply because I _think_ I've lost control of that person. Hell, I come from the position that I had no control to begin with, and I think that developed from my aquired ability to distinguish that people are people, not abstractions in my brain. To come back to what I was saying before, I know that my devotion to committment to the relationship would trump any hesitations I would have for continuing the relationship. Either they would have to leave me, or they would have to do something truly horrible or continually act horribly toward me for me to break it off. I made a promise to myself that I would never be like my ex who cheated on me, I would remain staunchly committed to whoever my significant other would eventually be. I do not break promises, least of all ones I make to myself. My personal feelings of control be damned, I'm in the relationship for the long run no matter how difficult it might get for me. I will not stoop to my ex's level, nor will I take the coward's way out. That's how I feel about that.
doesn't sound like an infj at all but well
who knows
@@mylifeisameme9408As an INFJ (tested×3, 3 different therapists, 3 different stages of life), I concur with the comment you replied to- my loyalty never allowed me to walk away. Not from a spouse who later revealed he was gay, not even from the next spouse- a physically abusive alcoholic. I can't even imagine not being able to roll with the kind of "chaos" described. Maybe the difference is the commitment made. Maybe the difference is childhood trauma. But somehow INFJ's do fall in love, marry, and have children. Maybe our scores are closer to that balance point on the scale like mine were.
what a good day to hurt my feelings by watching a video highlighting my flaws and fears
Do you need a hug?
@@daftne11 sure
Think of it less as flaws and more like human nature.
_moontrimmer _ ikr, like it’s not enough shyt
I think INFJs like to have "me time" and feel like people take too much of their energy, thus the tendency to reduce. We give more of our energy to others than most of them give to us, even though they don't ask/expect/need us to, and we don't intentionally do this, either. It just happens. We are aware of the imbalance at (pick your level of consciousness) and resort to putting people in abstract categories in an attempt to reduce our devoting so much time and energy to them. It is a disservice to all concerned; better to concentrate on someone in the present, in realtime, so we don't have to "file" them away as something we can't deal with.
Are any INFJs scared of love/relationships? I've been struggling with this for quite some time. Are we too scared of.. everything (?!) that we prefer pushing the other person away? Because that's what I've been doing. I'd rather go back to being alone than face the reality, a real relationship, as opposed to something I only used to dream about, which was on a theoretical level. And, of course, the answer I usually get is that I think too much.
Same here. All my friends and family tell me I over think things. I tell them it's natural and that this is normal for me.
INFJs are drama queens really but at same time, you can't leave them alone because they are like turtles who hide in their shells all the time and need guidance and love even if they don't accept it.
I certainly am scared of such love, relationships, probably because they're more naked parts of reality.
I repeatedly do this stupid thing where I love someone, and we're with other friends as well, and I just simply treat the person I love with almost less respect when compared to others. I do the basics, I love being gentle, but I tend to be less gentle with them compared to my other friends, I avoid looking at them. It's ridiculous.
I think I may be afraid of committing, of intentionally putting who I love on a pedestal, as if showing love for them negated the respect and liking I have for others. I'm probably also afraid of what that commitment implies, facing reality and living in it. Probably I'm afraid of letting go of such idealism mentioned on the video.
@@metametodo I can understand where you're coming from. From my understanding, you dont have to do much to show your love to your loved ones.
Like INFJs get easily offended,feel betrayed and get hurt when their relationship expectations are too unrealistic. In order to have a better loving relationship, I would suggest, you should open up to your loved ones and don't hide things from them so they can understand you better. It's hard to trust others but you will have to learn to open up.
At least that's what I observed in my INFJ friends I have been hanging out with for almost a decade.
@@dragonarch0 At this moment I'm taking things to a good outcome, the girl I'm seeing right now has an idea of how I love her, and we're progressing. The problem is that historically I've suffered much because of struggles to be direct, to express myself. I believe this time other circumstances facilitated things for me, and fortunately I can show well my feelings indirectly, but I believe it needs some observation skills to notice. But usually this is very problematic, as they might even perceive as if I actually dislike them.
In my case I wouldn't say it's that I don't trust them, quite the opposite. Maybe there's some self-deprecating aspect on why I don't express myself well and directly. But probably it's mostly a fear of things going wrong, fear of losing control, and messing it up, just to fuck up the experience, or in this case, relationship.
These INFJ videos helped me become a better partner and set me on a life path I'm actually happy with and not just trying to make other happy and living in my INFJ fantasy world. Can't thank FJ enough, wish him and his new family the absolute best
This is exactly what my therapist told me today and tried to explain. So you are correct. It is a real struggle and solitary life.
I’m an INFJ and it’s annoying 🤕 wish I could have normal thoughts and mindsets but my expectations are too high. I feel almost like an alien.
I too get too high and feel like my expectations are normal but mindsets of others are alien
Same I just felt like a monster watching this lmao
Same. He's right though, we try to predict almost everything and anything, and we drown in full-ride panic when something goes unexpected.
Same girl same.
me too.
Infj: constantly tries to better themselves and tries new things
Person:Does the same thing
Infj:I don't even know who you are anymore 😣
Random Meta LMAOOO true
When people show you who they really are, believe them.
This made me laugh out loud 😅 so accurate
Ok...it takes sometime to convince someone unconsciously that we weren't that person that they were thinking....
Lmao
I love how frank just calls us out. Like I'm not doing that enough myself... no but really i need calling out sometimes so that i know its actually a problem and not just me over thinking
I can definitely relate to this.
I am an INFJ and I have went to the extreme of not pursuing a relationship I was interested in because I didn’t want my head version of them to be tainted.
The summary, we are so unconsciously obsessed with figuring out people, that when we cannot do it, it freaks us about and makes us question the whole person and relationship.
thank youu
This is so informative and so accurate. Honestly, in my 23 years as an INFJ I've always been super romantic and in love with the idea of love, but at the same time I've always pushed all those who have ever been interested in pursuing something romantic with me. Even when I read or watch a movie, I'm fine as long as it's unreciprocated love, but as soon as the two characters get together and live happily together I quickly lose interest.
It's like I'm afraid of letting people in, of showing my vulnerable side and not being in control. And I find it so interesting that I'm not the only one feeling like there's somethig "wrong" with me. I'll definitely try to work on it-
This is the most relatable comment to me, especially the movie part. Love movie makes me very uncomfortable.
oh my gosh! yes! the idea is so much better than reality, but it essentially means a life spent alone, in one's head :/
This is totally me. Every word is exact.
@@sokka47 :'). At least we're not alone in our pain.
This has more to do with attachment style. Sounds like dismissive avoidant attachment tbh
I had to turn off my restricted mode to comment on this video. This is really enlightening. I mean it ! I had been struggling with this and now everything is clear. Thank you
Infj: **has controlling issues**
Me, Enfp: I don’t mind 😀
This made me feel a little like a sociopath.
That part...
Megan N
-Psychopaths/sociopaths make up 1% of the population
-INFJs also, make up 1% of the population 🧐
soooo... 🤷🏽♀️
🙃🙃🙃
Same
Same here, had me thinking the same.
We are similar in some ways, but completely different in other ways, for example being very empathetic.
“Why the INFJ Ruins Relationships”
Me: Yes, let’s see what I’ll do wrong when I finally have a relationship.
better to prepare for it beforehand eh/
Jshdhhs this is me rn. And I haven't even played the video yet. I'm already anticipating the dissapointment , doubts , conflicts that I'll have in myself AFTER I finish watching this video.
lol we're such future thinkers xD
Perhaps if I note down all the potential future conflicts I'll be able to figure out every possible solution beforehand to make the conflict go away as quickly as possible, or maybe I should just approximate solutions so that it gives a good answer but also saves some energy to be used when it happens..
Knowledge of destinations helps turn the ship to the desired harbour
This guy said what I already knew but still said it as if he was reading my mind in this video. I’ve had 4 relationships and all of them ended because I always had to feel in control or something like that. Lack of allowing anticipation of chaos.
For me, if someone can’t communicate clearly so we can hash out any disagreement and stand on their principles I emotionally and mentally check out.
Even if the person improves later on I reach a point where I’m unable to “try again” for a romantic relationship. Platonic relationships on the other hand I can still have with people as long as they don’t exhaust me- I usually end up being the support system and pack mule of emotional labour surrounded by people who give little thought to the fact that I am a human being who also has needs and “weak” days/moments where I need a support system.
I know it's hard for us to stay in a relationship but I'll try my best anyways because I have the need to be understood and also to understand someone at a very deep level and for that, I think I'll be willing to give my expectations up and just value the person. I've never been in a relationship because of my expectations and I'm just overall very lonely for sticking to that "I'm better alone" kind of mindset.
Can I just say that I FEEL GUILTY sometimes for believing my intuition and what my brain had convinced me of, rather than what the other person is saying?
Is it just me?
Wow that is interesting and kinda scary. So you wanna hear and believe them but you can't fully?
I relate to the guilt comment-I used to do that. I would hear and believe what others said while my intuition screamed the opposite. it used to take decades before acting on what I knew through patterning-oh god can we see patterns-because when the pattern I intuitively saw was upsetting I’d choose to listen to their words instead. But that pattern of mine was also influenced by childhood trauma, and being repeatedly told as a child that what I saw in our family was not there, and being punished for mentioning it. It wasn’t until my late 30s / 40s that I was able to talk with family members without being confrontational and upset, and then learned what I saw was real. A lot of my journey has been getting to the point where I trust what I know, and act on it. Along with learning how to set healthy boundaries. ;) Life is much better now.
Omg i understand this so good. I often find myself sitting alone in my room lost in my thoughts going through one scenario thorough another and I end up breaking up or getting an idea of the other person that maybe be complete different if I would listen to them and really get to know them
Not an infj (I'm an enfp) but I understand what you mean
I had this close friendship for 4 years that I recently ended and my intuition had been telling me she's manipulative for years but I kept ignoring it thinking I'm a piece of shit for thinking this way about someone who claimed they loved me more than their own family. I needed the emotional support of a friend to end it and when I did that it was because I was feeling emotionally tired and I thought that was me being sensitive but I was trying to grow so I had to let her go. Only after I ended the friendship and was out of her manipulative radar for a while, I realised she was the most manipulative person I've ever met. Everything started to make sense and I can finally connect the dots with a clear mind.
But even now I still have moments when I ask myself if I'm being paranoid and I have to open a list of things she did to me (which I wrote when I realised how manipulative she is)
P.s. we volunteer at the same place and last week she was trying to talk me and being the idiot I am I almost got soft and was gonna forget what she did (she literally just asked if I wanted coffee while she was giving everyone(I swear to god my stupidity makes me mad) ) then I went to the bathroom and later that day a girl comes to me and tells me that when I was in the bathroom she said to everyone "that idiot isn't talking to me because apparently I don't fit her friend's standards and we don't listen to the same music"
I was getting soft being the idiot I am thinking she wanted to talk to me and missed me and she was just trying to make me look like the bad guy
Me too...but i was always right as far as i know
Talking about being a controlling INFJ: I'm going to throw myself under the bus here, but anyone else here have had to learn NOT to manipulate people? Because you already know how people will react to a situation.
Yes
yea im kinda scared by that abillity tbh ,bt at the same time its sometimes good i guess?
I was a little con artist in Elementary school. I didn't get an allowance so I scammed kids at school by making loaded bets and goading them into challenging me. One day I suddenly realized that maybe that made me a bad person so I stopped doing it. I never got caught because I knew how to handle teachers too, but I guess my conscience just showed up suddenly. I feel like that was the moment I decided I shouldn't manipulate the people around me just because I could lol
@@Thysta ❤️❤️
I mean yow...I hate to admit HAHA. And I was going to share a memory but erased it...INFJ rlly
Geez Frank! I can feel the emotional pain through the screen on this. Thanks for being so open and honest. This is really insightful and helpful.
Boy, you almost made me cry, you basically put into words what I've been feeling and been through all this time! Seriously, thank you so much for this video, I really needed it!
My biggest fear when it comes to love and starting a relationship is indeed that, when I finally open up and love this person, the chaos of life will take him away from me. And I'll be left being completely broken
The same here... Or I am afraid of loosing myself...
That's why I prefer long distance relationships...I am weird!
Building relationships should not be fearful. Just use your awareness and relax and have fun
Well that's just life. That's really your excuse? We are all going to die anyway. No wonder you will die alone. Because you didn't even bother to try! Hello? Without risk there is no reward?
Same here
I have had that a few times once just recently, and I just feel like giving up.
Thought to share a “coping mechanism” I’ve really found helpful once INFJs go into that irrational fear spiral. (I bet all INFJs can relate). When I know I’m feeling that anxiety/ anger , I will quickly pen everything down on a piece of paper (don’t type it out). Really just scribble and even press hard on the ink if it gets that sense of frustration out. Most INFJs are Writers, and can express ourselves (just not very coherently all the time). So it’s good to just get it all out , jumbled... but on the paper.
What I’ve found is that after I do that, the anxiety doesn’t disappear , but it is more “organised”. I’m able to clearly understand the roots of how I’m feeling. And this usually leads me to conclude - Gosh, you were overthinking / assuming things again. (You see, you need to be one to tell yourself: get out of your head)
Unfortunately , the full frustration may not disappear , but it does allow you to bring it up to the person / your partner in a way that both parties can address in a much calmer manner. Often times, after I do it ... I realise I indeed have jumped through many conclusions, and I get the “answers” I want.
At this point - the paper just seems entirely silly, and I can throw it away. But at least I did not air my entire head-mess to someone who doesn’t really deserve it.
Let me know if this actually makes sense to any INFJs.
Love your 'head mess' comment. Makes perfect sense to me
Make sense!! I do that too.
Whenever I feel jamped up with so many different thoughts and emotions I just write them down in what I call "my own version of reflections". It helps alot, because as you said it gives me the answers I needed to hear and can't expect the "involved ones" to deliver. But, most importantly, it calms me down.
Omg, makes so much sense!! You just helped me find my solution to my overthinking problem, I had no idea!
Thank you!
I will definitely try this out, thank you.
Makes sense. I started writing a feeling word down like “anxiety” then scribbling random thoughts attached to that feeling. It helps me to be in touch with my feelings and who I actually am.
This happened to me in the past but now I have overcome that and everything is getting better for me đây by day. Thank you, friend. Thanks to you now I know I am an INFJ.
I don't know, I feel like my bad stuff in childhood greatly impacted how important it is to me that I feel secure in my relationships. This is definitely a negative mental function that occurs when I feel insecure.
Normally I'm very chill, but the closer they are to me the more anxiety inducing things can be. I like change, but I tend towards cataloging everything I can.
There's a good book that helped me with this stuff. "Zen mind: beginners mind". It's big on helping approach things from a good mindset.
"We turn people into objects"
Damn. That's so true. I can't deal with a lot of people, so I turn them into cookie-cutter ideas.
Doesn’t sound INFJ to me… It doesn’t surprise me why so many people are mistyped.
YEAH RIGHT? Where I like dont want to talk to my mom about my grades I would imagine the dialogue in my head and predict what she will say.
Thought I was the one who do that hahaha! My friend said I am living in the Harry Potter world lol
@@mules8662 Nah. I'm definitely INFJ. I've known my type since I was 18 and studied all the functions to make sure. But thanks for the assumption lmao
"This is the INFJ fear talking. This isn't reality." - Thank you, I needed that.
I've never really thought about this component of INFJ, but it really rings true. I felt so overwhelmed as a child, and reality was just too hard to bear. The control is more about my inner landscape staying manageable so I can exist in this mad world. I also see the link to how this quality would contribute to the "coldness" I sometimes feel. When people are reduced to abstractions it's like being in relationship with a ghost. Thanks for this insight.
I’m an INTP but I can totally relate to this, I often distance myself from people after opening up, casually talking to them, or oversharing because I feel extremely uneasy with the idea of them knowing me and I don’t want them to see my vulnerable side because I do not want to be perceived as weak or too dependent on them. I also have a habit of isolating myself and rejecting people who show interest in me to avoid making my life a mess even though I crave affection, the actual thing disgusts me so maybe I just like the idea. It has been weeks since I stopped talking to my friends, deactivated my accounts, deleted everything. I have a constant want to be better so I sometimes avoid people who might stop me from pursuing what I want. I feel so much better being alone and hidden.
That sounds depressing asf coming from an infj, hope you're well tho
But FJ! We are conscious of the unconscious cycles of other people. We are even conscious of our own unconscious behaviour.
Yep
That's true
...sometimes
Except when youre not. In my experience, my infj crush is also completely oblivious to many of her own actions and thought processes.
INTP here. This is so incredibly unfortunate. I had the pleasure of dating an INFJ recently. It was the deepest, most profound, most passionate and intense relationship I've ever had, unfortunately it was also the shortest. When INFJs allow themselves to let go they are the most beautiful people I've ever met. When the need for control creeps in, especially when you understand how and why it's really quite tragic to watch and experience.
INTP here too: I've been dating an INFJ for almost 3 years now. It's also an extremely deep relationship as well. You're right: when they're growing as a person, it's great! It then opens them up to you and your relationship, because they don't feel the need to control things so much.
But inevitably, you realize that they've started falling into their old routine and have this version of you in their head which, if you don't fit the mold, frightens them. And as an INTP, which loves their individuality so much, it's extremely frustrating and can be dangerous. Especially as a Ti trying to explain my emotions, when she's stressed I've heard, "You can't feel that way. That's not how feelings work." Then when she's had some time to let go of her expectations, she realized how that was the stress and thus control talking.
But when things work, they really really work. I've heard of the "INTP/INFJ Golden Pair" before and since INFJs are a security fearing type (as in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs), when those are taken care of, we're stronger together. :)
@@sethrdee That's interesting...
I'm an INFJ (male) who has the same problem with stress/anxiety trying to take over.
At least for myself, I think calm reassurance/physical touch (like cuddling) can help reduce that, especially if it's long/steady/calm. ASMR content seems to work for me too.
I hope this comes in handy if you get to come across another INFJ (:
@@sethrdee I'm an INFJ with an ENFJ. We have a great relationship, but I feel this control thing creeping in at times. This video really helped me understand Oh, THAT'S what I am doing. A lot of times we are really confused and overwhelmed, which makes us feel out of control. When my SO changes plans just the tiniest bit, it's like I feel as though I may completely lose my ish. (I've learned not to direct my frustration at him, but try and explain why it bothers me, which really doesn't make sense, since it is abstract, and he is not an abstract thinker...) it makes me feel better and he still listens to what I have to say rather than reacting negatively. I'm trying to work on that. We really are good people and we always mean well. Sounds like you are pretty Happy. After typing all this I realize this is another thing we do. When we open up, your getting our life story..even strangers on the internet. lol
@@djelbert23 it's more comfortable opening up to strangers online, than people we know in real life.
@@sethrdee maybe were not the golden pair :/
'Drowning in the chaos' is how I feel constantly. For my whole life I have reacted by exerting extreme control over myself where i can't get away from the chaos by way of an eating disorder and sleep disorder. It is the only way to calm the mindstorm. It has led me to withdraw from as much of society as possible. And still I fear the chaos finding its way in attached to someone else.
Thank you for this. I had a recent relationship end, and I think he's an INFJ (I discovered you and MBTI a week after the breakup). This explains so much - I wish I had seen this earlier, I might have been able to navigate it a bit differently. Your videos have opened my eyes to an entirely new way of looking at the world, and it's fascinating. Thank you!
To all you INFJs, I'm sorry you are so misunderstood. Everyone deserves to be seen and heard - you all experience the world in the most beautiful and unique way.
- an ISFJ
Biggest fear I have as an INFJ is having those "serious talks". I'm always gonna be thinking I'm the one at fault and no one else is and if a person breaks up with me, I would blame myself for starting it in the first place and mentally killing myself more than I should be taking it
Just laugh and make jokes until they go away
ENFJ here, yeah I know this. Even when I am commanding respect of everyone in a room with girls falling all over me if someone says "Can we talk alone?" its like "Oh fck!"
This is precisely why we're so vulnerable to gaslighting and manipulation.
I believe a lot of INFJs are also afraid of getting hurt/people leaving them. Especially if they had bad experiences in the past. They also sometimes don't communicate what's going on inside well with the people close to them, until the other person misunderstands or asks them about it and then the INFJ will try to explain.
Granted your comment's as old as it is, it's pretty spot on, considering I identify as INFJ(-T). Lol.
@@kritacism2020 It’s still relevant! :)
@@MeAnINFP Sooo true.
That is so true!
Frank, thank you for making these types of videos. I'm slowly understanding my confusing infj self more and more as a result of watching your content!
As a Christian INFJ, reading the Word and living it allowed me to navigate life less turbulently. As I am very prone to depression and anxiety, surrendering my life to Christ was the best choice I've ever done. Now I'm at a place in my life that is very aware and conscious that God is in control and that I shouldn't try to take over the reins. This applies to everything, even in relationships. 😉
Yeah, this is why I'm still single. I can love the person as they are but, of course I see the future with the person and if I don't like how things will likely turn out, I won't stay in the relationship. Foresight, both a blessing and a curse. For this reason, often I feel like I'm incapable of true unconditional love. It's really, actually an awful feeling because of course this is exactly what the Infj ideal is.
Desiree Zeller OMG you are speaking to my soul! 🙌🏾 Sadly i feel like my experiences have been the same.
Thank you for saying this. It hits close to home.
You can't keep thinking that way unless you want to be stuck in that loop. If you think you can make it work, take the risk. There is a thing as being too cautious. I hope the best for you.
@@davidsaavedra7904 easier said then done. I'm not sure if you're an Infj , but if you are, you'll know just turning off the foresight is impossible. On top of that, I'm a double intuitive, using both Ni.and Ne a good bit as per cognitive function tests. The folks have that may have an even harder time "turning it off" Thanks though and I understand your point for sure.
maybe? i think infjs are prolly the smartest of the types, but aren't you guys pretty rigid? life is chaos. people can do 180s, even if it's rare. i think the ideal of unconditional love is like the word 'perfect'. it's a mental construct, and has only partial basis in reality. love is always conditional. if you don't want a relationship, you do you. but don't limit yourself based on a fiction. love is ultimately hard work, from both parties. even parents can grow to dislike their children. that love has far less conditions. even that love can run low. you put effort in, and hope effort is returned. i know sometimes i'm a real grouch/pain, and i don't expect perfect patience from friends and family. i expect people to get sick of my antics after a time, and tell me very loudly. in fact, i hope they do. love is absolutely more of a sliding scale. it's messy, and in constant flux. hopefully you pick people in life that can handle the flux well, and have that ability to show love at your/their low points.
I think being an INFJ is so awkward and confusing but yet so cool
My favorite part was ..”they are ignoring the major problems they have. 😂❤
Excellent video! Sometimes I get a cold, clammy feeling inside and weak behind the knees if my kids (adult kids!) Do something unexpected. Like nose piercing or whatever that is very normal these days. I get stressed when people order something out of the ordinary on the menu. If I get new clothes I can't wear them for quite awhile, until I get used to them in the closet. This video resonated with me! Sort of embarrassing for someone to know me....I try to keep that to a minimum.
"Stop trying to pin people down. Let them exist as they are." Wow have I learned this the heard way-- more than once..
speaking from experience, ive never regretted ruining my past relationships because they were all doing the bare minimum of my expectations
I agree too.ok ,Ofcourse we as an infj have mistakes but this video pass the fact that people are full of bullshit.
@@antidepresan3394 🤣😂
@@antidepresan3394 😂😂🤣🤣
Yess
very infj thing to say !!!
As an INFJ, I’d like to say the warmth of the fire and candle ads a lot to this convo. Cushioning the reality of it. I can appreciate that. ☺️
Totally true! Your explanation is luminating. I do this but could never explain it , put into words like this, not even to myself.
As an INFJ since I saw jurassic park as a young kid the philosophy of "always leave 5% for chaos" has stuck with me. I let my mind do its thang, and then remind myself, always leave 5% for chaos and it's given me a sense of peace, it's hard to explain
Thanks a million for sharing this tip! I'd love to give it a try.
sorry its a late reply but, can you explain it a bit more? i dont really get it.
mayybe its like having a vision for the future or expectations for the present situation, but have a small part of you that allows chaos if it happens?
@@caramelon yeah precisely! Our brain calculates so much for an outcome plus a few variations (plan ABCD etc) but at the end of it all life is 5% chaotic. The stress and anxiety of planning til "absolute preparation" then executing said plan to perfection (in our minds lol) can be a useless energy exchange. More often than not life doesn't go according to plan 😊 there's a strange sense of peace to acknowledge that
I really like this!!!
Ah this is such a good way of thinking. I think your phrase actually led to a mini epiphany so thanks a ton, dear stranger ❤️
Read somewhere that INFJs and INTJs - due to inferior Se - greatly need loyalty and to feel safe within a relationship to be happy.
Consistency, reliable, dependable.
I have to have peace.
I agree, this is exactly what I dream about in relationship.
Loyalty that’s what I want. Absolute devotion and consistency. That’s why I have dogs.
@@ayame316 Me too! Totally same!
How would that be caused by Se? Also, doesn't everyone want loyalty and safety in their relationships?
This explains so much... I've always found it difficult to deal with the unpredictability of other people's actions; I've always looked for a predictable behavioural pattern which I could impose upon the other person, whether that be a friend or a stranger, in order to protect myself from chaos. I never knew I was creating abstract versions of the people I know/have met.