One of the tips that's commonly given to couples is to meet conflict with curiosity instead of defensiveness, I think it's excellent advice for many people but especially INFJs. It's tricky to cultivate when defensiveness happens automatically but with time you can train yourself to pause and ask questions. Raw conflict is too overwhelming, I can't think straight when I'm facing that 😅 I'm less terrified of conflict than I used to be the more I trust myself and my relationships. A healthy relationship can take conflict in stride, I try to remind myself of that when I start worrying.
I can relate to this message and I think you are spot on when it comes to how INFJs should try to handle conflicts. My default "move" in an interpersonal conflict is typically to ask why the other party thinks or feels like they do rather than go straight into argumentation mode. When people feel like they are being heard, they are in turn usually also a lot more prepared to listen and receptive to counter-arguments and by asking questions we also get to figure out whether we are talking about the same thing or we just think we are talking about the same thing. Once there's an agreement to hear each other out, the real work can begin by presenting arguments and counter-arguments, often phrased as questions themselves. It's surprising how differently people react between stating something as fact and stating the same fact as a question (ex. "This thing is like this" vs. "Have you thought about, that this thing could be this?"). =) I haven't been in many situations, that couldn't be handled like that. As an adult, I've only once flown off the handle and gotten so angry that I went straight into "full verbal assault mode" and it didn't feel good. The dude had it coming though and at that specific point in time I was just fed up trying to reason with his delusional paranoia and false accusations.
@@RensRoom I've been really really good! I've gone through so much in the past year, oh my... For example, in a miraculous turn of events my Mom and I were able to heal a massive wound in our relationship and we get on better than ever now. That's just one of many good things that have happened 😁. I hope you're doing well?!
Most often the conflicts had been addressed through; one on one's or mediated discussions. In all work places, it's been pushed under the rug or it's left that we have to work better together. They don't stop or change. Than the manager or boss shrugs it off. So, since the boss doesn't utilize their management skills.. i move on to the next. I don't see how i end up in these situations. I just focus on my work, avoid gossip, help others, and conversate when i can. 🤷🏾♂️
TLDR: If you haven't figured out what your morals are, I think it's worth it to do that first, before trying to work on dealing with conflict. Renaud, I think you're right on. I can definitely relate. I took this strategy of taking the lead from whoever I am talking back in elementary school. It took me until I was several years into my career & working my way up the corporate ladder to realise I was doing this. The strategy was successful for me in the sense that I didn't need to worry about getting into conflict with someone who is being reasonable, no matter what their views may be. And if something went terribly wrong, I always had that authority to blame. Honestly, I felt a bit of moral superiority from being able to look at everyone as a person. I thought living that way was the right way, until hit burnout about 2 years ago. Then I realized I didn't know what MY morals were, because I was simply following the morals of whatever group i was at part of at the time. When I realized how my "just following orders" view, really hurt other people's lives, when my company went through lay-offs. That's when you see where people's & groups' true priorities lie. I wish I could say I switched to dealing with conflict head on, in a professional and positive way. Rather, I shut out all of my friends, most of my family, quit my job, and used my privilege to get a job & boss who want me working with data rather than people. Though I'm free from most forms of conflict, I still feel the dysphoria, often caused by mind-reading and future-telling. And since I don't talk to people often, my social anxieties have come back with a vengeance, after I thought I had defeated them back when I was still a child. Now that I have confidence in my morals, it's easier for me to know when I should say something. I still have a lot of work to do. All that being said, I wouldn't take back the decisions I have made. Even though it hasn't been extremely healthy me, these two years of hermitting away, researching many differing opinions in spirituality, habit forming, history.... and even just time laying with my dogs and feeling & sitting with my emotions no matter how painful or embarrassing they are... it's been important for me to build My Morals. Nothing is as clear as it was before though.
I came to a realization and it involves all relationships ... conflict is inevitable. It is easier to see when we soften the word conflict to disagreement, misunderstanding, misperception or that another person perceives the world differently than ourselves. As a fellow idealist ENFP ... I understand the tendency of idealising the world our values or a friendship and relationship and it might seem awful to discover a friend "suddenly" sees the world differently. I feel somehow this is a major challenge for INFJs and that they perhaps get hurt on this point and then scrabble to resolve this. How many sleepless nights in an Ni --Ti loop have occurred on this point. I even wonder how many door slams have arisen from this issue. Relationships are messy at times, however there are skills to handle the messy bits that do not need to lead to heart break, hurt feelings or ending a relationship. It is a challenge for myself also. There is another point here as well, -- much deeper -- can you always be sure what you feel you are seeing in the other belongs to them or are you seeing your shadow reflected by another and that is where the conflict lays ?
I can confirm/validate your insights. It is a very handy technique to have when encountering these types of conflicts. Hopefully, by using this technique, this will allow both parties to achieve greater insight and knowledge after these conflicts/conversations. Thank you for sharing your insights for today!
@@RensRoom also your videos are fascinating, and I just clicked on it without focusing on the title too much , and the subject in some sense resonated. Dealing with more so a case of "inner-conflict". I'm still watching it right now
But what if someone questions your beliefs and opinions? Most of the time I lose my point and get emotional like you explained. I can't just question a question, can I?
It's easier to write down replies on paper than when questioned face to face sometimes, especially if someone is really intense or you pick up on their emotions. Shame you have the answer when you are away from the person and calm,but I think it gets better with time,for me anyway
One of the tips that's commonly given to couples is to meet conflict with curiosity instead of defensiveness, I think it's excellent advice for many people but especially INFJs. It's tricky to cultivate when defensiveness happens automatically but with time you can train yourself to pause and ask questions. Raw conflict is too overwhelming, I can't think straight when I'm facing that 😅 I'm less terrified of conflict than I used to be the more I trust myself and my relationships. A healthy relationship can take conflict in stride, I try to remind myself of that when I start worrying.
Yes, that makes perfect sense. I agree with this entirely.
Important topic for an INFJ.
Conflict in not wanting conflict is the conflict 😬
xD indeed!
I can relate to this message and I think you are spot on when it comes to how INFJs should try to handle conflicts.
My default "move" in an interpersonal conflict is typically to ask why the other party thinks or feels like they do rather than go straight into argumentation mode.
When people feel like they are being heard, they are in turn usually also a lot more prepared to listen and receptive to counter-arguments and by asking questions we also get to figure out whether we are talking about the same thing or we just think we are talking about the same thing.
Once there's an agreement to hear each other out, the real work can begin by presenting arguments and counter-arguments, often phrased as questions themselves. It's surprising how differently people react between stating something as fact and stating the same fact as a question (ex. "This thing is like this" vs. "Have you thought about, that this thing could be this?"). =)
I haven't been in many situations, that couldn't be handled like that. As an adult, I've only once flown off the handle and gotten so angry that I went straight into "full verbal assault mode" and it didn't feel good. The dude had it coming though and at that specific point in time I was just fed up trying to reason with his delusional paranoia and false accusations.
So happy you're making vids again! Listening to this while cooking dinner 😌
Ro! Sorry I meant to respond to your earlier comment but then forgot ^^" How have you been? It's great to hear from you!
@@RensRoom I've been really really good! I've gone through so much in the past year, oh my... For example, in a miraculous turn of events my Mom and I were able to heal a massive wound in our relationship and we get on better than ever now. That's just one of many good things that have happened 😁. I hope you're doing well?!
you got me hooked on the topic because it's very relevant, right now.
Most often the conflicts had been addressed through; one on one's or mediated discussions. In all work places, it's been pushed under the rug or it's left that we have to work better together. They don't stop or change. Than the manager or boss shrugs it off. So, since the boss doesn't utilize their management skills.. i move on to the next.
I don't see how i end up in these situations. I just focus on my work, avoid gossip, help others, and conversate when i can. 🤷🏾♂️
I have found workplaces to be rather messy. We can choose our friends, we do not get to choose our coworkers.
TLDR: If you haven't figured out what your morals are, I think it's worth it to do that first, before trying to work on dealing with conflict.
Renaud, I think you're right on. I can definitely relate. I took this strategy of taking the lead from whoever I am talking back in elementary school. It took me until I was several years into my career & working my way up the corporate ladder to realise I was doing this. The strategy was successful for me in the sense that I didn't need to worry about getting into conflict with someone who is being reasonable, no matter what their views may be. And if something went terribly wrong, I always had that authority to blame. Honestly, I felt a bit of moral superiority from being able to look at everyone as a person. I thought living that way was the right way, until hit burnout about 2 years ago. Then I realized I didn't know what MY morals were, because I was simply following the morals of whatever group i was at part of at the time. When I realized how my "just following orders" view, really hurt other people's lives, when my company went through lay-offs. That's when you see where people's & groups' true priorities lie.
I wish I could say I switched to dealing with conflict head on, in a professional and positive way. Rather, I shut out all of my friends, most of my family, quit my job, and used my privilege to get a job & boss who want me working with data rather than people. Though I'm free from most forms of conflict, I still feel the dysphoria, often caused by mind-reading and future-telling. And since I don't talk to people often, my social anxieties have come back with a vengeance, after I thought I had defeated them back when I was still a child. Now that I have confidence in my morals, it's easier for me to know when I should say something. I still have a lot of work to do.
All that being said, I wouldn't take back the decisions I have made. Even though it hasn't been extremely healthy me, these two years of hermitting away, researching many differing opinions in spirituality, habit forming, history.... and even just time laying with my dogs and feeling & sitting with my emotions no matter how painful or embarrassing they are... it's been important for me to build My Morals. Nothing is as clear as it was before though.
I came to a realization and it involves all relationships ... conflict is inevitable. It is easier to see when we soften the word conflict to disagreement, misunderstanding, misperception or that another person perceives the world differently than ourselves. As a fellow idealist ENFP ... I understand the tendency of idealising the world our values or a friendship and relationship and it might seem awful to discover a friend "suddenly" sees the world differently. I feel somehow this is a major challenge for INFJs and that they perhaps get hurt on this point and then scrabble to resolve this. How many sleepless nights in an Ni --Ti loop have occurred on this point. I even wonder how many door slams have arisen from this issue.
Relationships are messy at times, however there are skills to handle the messy bits that do not need to lead to heart break, hurt feelings or ending a relationship. It is a challenge for myself also.
There is another point here as well, -- much deeper -- can you always be sure what you feel you are seeing in the other belongs to them or are you seeing your shadow reflected by another and that is where the conflict lays ?
Thanks for this talk Ren. I love the idea of asking questions.
Thank you, Ren. That's a brilliant strategy.
Glad you found it useful :)
Came just in time.. Thank you brother.
Thank you 🌻
I can confirm/validate your insights. It is a very handy technique to have when encountering these types of conflicts. Hopefully, by using this technique, this will allow both parties to achieve greater insight and knowledge after these conflicts/conversations. Thank you for sharing your insights for today!
No problem!
Referred by INFJ ricochet
Less gloomy that yesterday, and yesterday than day before, but yes gloomy indeed.
Hi Tarang, are you based in Ireland too?
@@RensRoom hello! Nope, I'm from India
@@RensRoom also your videos are fascinating, and I just clicked on it without focusing on the title too much , and the subject in some sense resonated. Dealing with more so a case of "inner-conflict". I'm still watching it right now
Ok, enjoy :-) Where in India are you from?
@@RensRoom I'm from Punjab, live in Haryana, currently living in Delhi. Does that help? Lol
But what if someone questions your beliefs and opinions? Most of the time I lose my point and get emotional like you explained. I can't just question a question, can I?
Why not? You can question the roots of their questioning :)
It's easier to write down replies on paper than when questioned face to face sometimes, especially if someone is really intense or you pick up on their emotions. Shame you have the answer when you are away from the person and calm,but I think it gets better with time,for me anyway
Can infj handle things like war and modern technology
I don’t really understand your question?