My husband of 51 years walked into my bedroom and heard your video. I didn't know he was there he slammed my door and shouted how I was talking about him and now it made sense what ruined our relationship. For over forty years and counseling with and without him I was finally done with his issues becoming my fault. I am in healing my self and soul! He almost broke me but is furious he did not succeed!
This is why I wear AirPods, haha. 51 years! I thought 42 years was bad. I can’t imagine another 10 years of this. I finally packed up and left last week but before I closed the door, he said “so you’ll be home this weekend ?”
I am so grateful to be learning about what narcissistic behavior is. My older sister, who’s always been mean, self-centered, self righteous, and a couple other things tried to tell me last year in March that I did not call her for her birthday when I know I did and she wanted me to say I did not call her which I was going to do that. Guess what her statement was I don’t remember that. Since then there’s been some stuff going on with her and my other sister and I blocked both of them because they are displaying ugly narcissistic behavior and I will not tolerate it. They are not mature enough to come to the table and have a conversation so they get no space in my life.
I came across this book "The Narcissism Epidemic" by Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell. It talks about how narcissism damages reciprocity that binds families and communities. There's so many stories of estrangement because of narcissism. It's literally ripping families apart.
It's evil...Narcissist obey Satan....and Satan gives them a feeling of 'better than'....yet eventually it destroys relationships and eventually destroys the narcissist also. Society is Narcissism, and it's falling apart because evil progressively gets worse.
I was married when I was nineteen years old and my husband was twentynine. In the space of less than five years we had four children. But even this period that shoud a happy one , he began to yell at me. I did not understand how someone that had been so nice before the marriege could change so. At that time, nobody knew about narcissism. Dr. Carter , thank you so much for your informations. Say hello to Gus Hello from Brazil.
I was fooled the same way. So caring and attentive. We also had 4 children in 4 and a half years. But then the wheels came off the bus. And his true self came out. As we know in team healthy, once we say no to these toxic people, they turn into a raging , uncontrollable mess. Wishing you well. Take care❤
The narcissist (s) are absolutely always trying to get us (Team Healthy) away from influences that might not suit their purposes, Dr. C! Yep! Isolation is one of their big things for sure! They just can't help it !😊
Those last few minutes described my father perfectly. So committed to his “rightness” he will sabotage other relationships within the family. Sick, but kind of fascinating once you have distanced yourself. My heart goes out to all the other scapegoats out there. Don’t get sucked back in!
I so identify with the person having a problem w/ the Mother in Law. I put up with mine for 45 yrs. She got no better over the years in fact she got worse, really bad. Run.....nothing apeases them they just demand more and more. There is no reasoning with her. Your husband belongs to her not you. He is her personal passion. If he wants to stay...leave him fast. He's one of her Flying monkeys!!!!
I met a lady on-line. We had several things in common. She has no friends and right from day 2 of our friendship she started bringing me food as we were remodeling our home. Food I could accept graciously. Than the gifts started, very expensive things. She would not listen to me when I told her to stop. She said it was her love language. I accepted her gifts because she would flap her arms and tell me to stop… just stop and take them! My hubs and I were feeling super uncomfortable. She always reached out to me and I rarely did to her. I knew something was just off. This lady talks non stop. After a year she knows very little about me. Not only the non stop talking and texting to complain about things she broke a boundary by smoking pot in my home. We recently got into an argument and she saw a new side of me. I was done with her! Was I dealing with a narc?
All of these narcissistic traits in themselves in one person could be managed, but it's their ability to manipulate others, and to influence them against the target or scapegoat, that's what's the most frightening to me.
Agree. Dealing w sibling and my parents enable his superior attitude and downplay his nasty behavior. He does really well and buys them things, manipulates and has them wrapped around his finger.
Prior to learning about narcissism I remember commenting 1) How can you be so sure you’re right? As he was strong in his convictions 2) Why don’t you just say what you mean. Instead of beating around the bush 3) You would argue that blue is black…even though it’s clear it’s blue Seems I had observed the behaviour but was clueless
It's been 2 months that I talked with my ex who I believe is a narcissist. Well, we've had contact and she's slowly admitting she was handling our relationship wrong and doesn't realize she only gave me closure and not making me want to be with her. I know I can't be with her and don't want to because I just can't deal with her mental state of mind. I'm only talking to her because we have twin boys now that are in this world. I keep my conversations on the kids and not trying to enter into the conversation on what happened between us. Just reading some of the things she texts only supports my belief that's she is a narcissist and it's because of me learning the habits, traits and words they use that helps me jot fall into a trap. Thank you for making these videos amd helping me see the signs of narcissism.
My partner had over 30 years as a therapist, social worker. She had a close friend that had a relationship with a narc. As I as a non professional, was a mentally abusive relationship. My partner has also cut off her friendship with this person. We have had this person in the middle of our relationship for about 4 or 5 years now. This person who I think is a narcissist has become an equal voter in our relationship. She has been insisting on me to be a friend of his. He goes out of his was to make fun of my prior military service, my physical disabilities and being Irish. I have told my partner many times about my not liking this guy’s abuse. She claims I’m jealous and etc. I told her what I think of his personality problems. She claims I am just jealous and has now asked me to move out.
Hi Dr C I’ve gone no contact with two of my family members over the last nine months, and to be honest it hasn’t always been easy, but in the last few weeks I have noticed that I’m thinking less & less of them and I’m getting on with my own life! As a safe guard I tune in to you every week to remind myself that I can’t slip back to where I was this time last year!! , so thanks Dr C for your friendly advice and all your videos explaining different aspects of the narcissistic condition. Keep up the good work! 😊💕
I can relate to you. 3 years ago no contact with my sister. It’s not easy, but the longer you stay in no contact, the more you come back to yourself and you can analyse everything from a distance. You will probably realize than the abuse is more worse and longer going on than you thought. Keep going, don’t fall for their attempts to get in contact again! And I also still need the info over and over again to realize I am not the crazy one. Do everything out of selfprotection, cause it’s a positive motivation to stay put. You can do it 💪🏻
@@ek9348 Thanks for your kind words, and there’s no danger of me ever having any kind of connection or relationship with those two again, once you’ve been through it it’s a “Never again” situation for me!! With Dr C’s videos each week I will get stronger and it’s great that as a community we can spur each other on!! Thanks again for your advice.😊🤗
I have been NO contact with my sisters for over 5 years. They were horrible. The first time I put my foot down and made boundaries, I was met with rage and disgusting language. You will feel "bad " for a while, but then yoi will start to feel indifferent. Good luck 😂
@@teresacotton7923Me too! I look back over the last six months after going no to very low contact- except for family functions a and now know it was the best medicine for me. She was trying to bully me back in but I put my foot down and I stand in my truth. I practiced being extremely calm and she squirmed. I stand in my truth and I refuse to drink her poison. My older sibling. Sad but true. Stay strong.
I can't help thinking he's an narc. But he's childishly delightful, charming to everyone else, rarely explosive. He's probably a covert, but I can't nail him down. Many days I feel like a fool, yet i can't have a moment to myself. It's like living with an overgrown hyperactive 3-year old! I need help understanding what i experience.
Yes 36 yrs with Mr delightful. Let me guess. Is it exhausting? I mean the impulsiveness, intruding into your personal space (boundaries), need for supply (constant novelty seeking) very low reciprocal giving etc etc. He WILL wear u down. Keep Dr C close ❤
My narcissistic family- who have no legal training- tried to isolate me from my lawyers. Telling me they ‘didn’t understand’ a family legal situation. Oh boy, the lawyers understood alright and found the fraud my sister was perpetrating.
There are a few heirlooms in my family that came with the story of how they were rescued from an ancestor's home before a greedy son could get grandma in her dotage to sign everything over to him in the will. Must be one lurking somewhere in a lot of family trees. 😮
I love your The Scapegoat Club title. Makes me feel not alone. The narcissist always tars you with the same brush they themselves carry as I found out.
@@heather3358 There are quite a few of us in The Scapegoat Club- I have a RUclips channel where I talk about narcissistic families... if you ever feel like you need more support, you would be in good company! Take care
Thinking about the damages of abuse and how it goes on and on , the only way to stop the cycle is to break the chains , it’s hard work but the narcissist doesn’t change , I use to think the side effects of abuse was a kid trashing their rooms or hoarding it’s so much deeper than those things
Thanks for addressing the "chain of command". My husband and I became Christians in our 20's and started learning about Christian living. Not everything we learned was helpful, but we were very sincere and ernest. I didn't have a problem with the concept of wives submitting to their husbands as my husband is a considerate man. One day, in our 50's, he apologised to me and our daughters, saying that he no longer wished to be regarded as the "head of the household" and have "the final word" or be the "spiritual leader", as it had, in his opinion, encouraged him to be entitled. We appreciate and respect his conviction. He tolerated and did his best for my covert narcissistic mother. She did us and our children much harm while we tried to win her over with love. Didn't work.
I’m so happy your husband realized and apologized to you and your daughters. That gives me a little hope My father in law was a baptist preacher and the head of household and submitting is a big part of my life
I don’t have any friends outside of work and don’t see any of my family except for my daughter. I see her as much as I can. I do put my foot down there. She’s about to have her first baby and I know it’s goi g to be a fight for me to go be with her. I wish I didn’t have to come back
I have self loathing myself and I carry so much shame for things I’ve done. But I am not a narcissist. I married one. My life is such a mess. I do t know how I’m goi g to get out of this
@@alicerice8506 sounds as though you are in pain. I don't know quite what your circumstances are, but I do know that though God is good, and the Bible is true, sometimes the way people understand His words and put them into practice is wrong or even bad. Keep seeking to know Him better. Ask Him any question, pray for His guidance when you read the Bible. Have a look at what other teachers and denominations have to say about hard topics. I recommend the book "Ten Lies Men Believe". Written by a man, he addresses what Paul really had to say about women (he considered them as co-workers with their own spiritual gifts, not inferior creatures who could only operate "under a man's covering"). For your feelings of shame, guilt and regret: Do you believe that Yeshua/Jesus made full atonement for you and that you can be forgiven and cleansed by trusting in His perfect work on the cross? Just by sincerely asking Him to forgive for all your sins, known and unknown, intentional and unintentional, you can have a completely new start. Forgive yourself. Extend grace and compassion to yourself. Ask God to show you if you are bearing false shame put on you by others. You can be free of it. I recommend the You Version Bible app which has wonderful plans and an encouraging video message every day. Can you join a women's Bible study group for fellowship and to discuss the Word and pray for each other? This has been a comfort and strength to me in dark times and remember, you are part of God's worldwide family of loving brothers and sisters. Find the ones you get on with ... ones who are kind, not judgmental.
@@alicerice8506 about having to "fight" to see your adult daughter: I suppose because she is an adult, that the difficulty is with her, not some other person? I recommend learning about Parental Alienation in case that's happened, and also about Estrangement. In any case, "fighting" doesn't work. On RUclips, Tina Gilbertson has a "roadmap to recovery" on episodes 97, 98 and 99 of her Reconnection Club. Short episodes, very helpful. Focus on finding some healing for yourself and know that you are worth loving. No-one is perfect and every parent makes mistakes. Two of our daughters were alienated against my husband and me and I fought for decades to restore the relationships but everything I did was interpreted in the worst way and they ended up despising me more and treating me with contempt. Our younger three daughters did not believe the backstabbing lies about us and we have good relationships with them. I learned to let go and detach emotionally from the cruel daughters and am so much more at peace. I pray for courage and peace and wisdom and hope in the right things, for you, friend.
Narc made another decision without letting me know and he knows who is in charge of Mom’s stuff. He refuses to communicate what he’s doing and he knows I am the final decision maker in this circumstance. I am at my wits end with this mess. I want him out of the process with our mother’s property. I’m thinking I just need to call my Moms Attorney ?
This is a lot of good information that has been eye opening I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist married for 14 yrs and together for 18 yrs this video is him all day I’m just know learning about this in the last 3 weeks and I just can believe I’ve been involved with a person like this I had the blinders on so tight and ignored so much of our relationship and him being 10yrs older doesn’t help smh…. Long road ahead but I’m glad I know what’s going on my head and heart is with god
I don't know if it's blinders, or more like having been surrounded by a fog. Give yourself some grace, because you have just found the missing piece of a very confusing puzzle. I can remember that moment myself, just like learning to ride a bike. There's the moment you find the word for it and you just can't unsee it anymore. ❤
Being Switzerland. Being Neutral... Acknowledgment of the limitations of that relationship in front of you. I really like that Dr. C! Great question, brilliant response. Thank you! 😊
I’ve been involved in a program that works with groups of adolescents to prevent these sad situations. Interestingly, as we adults participate, our own healing transforms us--a wonderful win-win.
Narcissism exists not much we can do about, proof is that we suffer because of it, on team healthy Dr .C emphasis is to equip us to survive it and go towards healthiness we were meant to live.
Thank you for continuing to do this work, Dr. Carter, even in so-called "retirement." This is where I first came upon the term narcissism as a psych term, and it has changed my life. I have quite a lot up ahead to deal with, but it certainly helps to start with knowing I'm not crazy after all! ❤😂😊
It really helps to have this info, doesn't it? I'm finding the sorting of who's really acting badly opens my eyes so much. It's a long road, sometimes hard, but the improvement and info help me keep sorting out what, and who! the problem is. Good luck in your voyage too! 🌹🌱😊
Thank you Dr C. I am learning so much from you, God bless you for helping people like me. When you do your lesson on triangulation, can you offer healthy tips on how to rebuild your life after being emotionally abused by a narcissistic mothet who made it her top priority to spend her entire life turning my siblings against me. Today my mother is 89 and I am 66... I am still treated like an outcast, bullied, etc. I am trying to go no contact but my siblings are still feeling entitled to destroy me. Any suggestions on how to move forward and forget these people?
@@caroleminke6116 I am trying but my siblings chase after my adult children to tell them they are innocent implying I am making up all this drama. Everytime these people come back into my life, they bring their negative drama with them. But, I am trying to break free.
Collegiality, a great new word! I am going to continue what I need to do. I’m dealing with their brick wall they made for themselves and others. I’ve learned to climb mountains. I don’t play or climb on his brick wall. There are ways around this.
Dr. C: I am so grateful that you chose to include the question about systems! There is a program being implemented in our church. The person in charge of it is like you said - pushing people into it as if it's a given, the only way to go, but in a manipulative rather than direct way. And the person who created the program also seems very narcissistic (grandiose) to me. I already knew of the person in charge's narcissistic tendencies because of private interactions, this just makes me more sure!
Run for the hills. Run away from this place. Believe me, it's for the best. I speak from experience. No church group or religion is worth losing your mental health and autonomy over. If you stay you will be sorry eventually, you will be burned, you will be abused somehow eventually, especially if you try to rebell, those narcisstic leaders will be out to get you and make an example of you.
Question - Dr C How do you know when to leave a 20 year marriage with 2 teenagers. I gave up my career 16 years ago to homeschool . Things have escalated and he is very controlling and everything is our fault. Controlling finances and has gotten more aggressive and angry the older he’s getting. He’s the boss we’re the employees! I don’t want to split up our family but I think the environment is getting worse. Thank you for your input you have helped so many ❤
Im in the same situation. Three teens, a child and a baby. They want out and I too, homeschool. I dont want to give that up and my good interest rate on my house.
I am too. I know I can't live with him as it's starting to feel unsafe, which is how I knew it was time to go. I don't want to lose my good interest rate, either, but I decided my life is worth more, and I don't want to worry that my own teenager won't want to see me because he doesn't want to be around his dad. Those have been my deciding factors, and it makes a lot of things much clearer for me.
Hello there Dr. C! I have a sister who has been diagnosed with “BPD” & I have such a hard time believing that she’s truly oblivious to her narcissistic traits. It’s painful to watch my mom constantly pick up the pieces to support her life including caring for her children full time. How can I program myself to understand how she cares so well for herself but drops the ball everywhere else?
You might want to ask Dr. Kim Sage or Dr. Ramani as well. Don't get me wrong, I love Dr. C, but Dr. Sage & Dr. Ramani talks a lot about BPD. Just an idea.
I have a parent who does the triangulation by putting my brother and I against each other in all matters. I will avoid my parents home and them to avoid conflict and controversy. But they are getting older and I don't want to miss out on what time I have left with them. Hard to be around them though as within 30 minutes the BS starts happening. I've tried to politely sit down and talk to them but it doesn't help. I'm a person who has a strong relationship with Jesus Christ. I'm finding it difficult to honor thy mother and father who has this narcissistic type of behavior. How do I move forward?
““Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to ‘set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law’; and ‘a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.’ He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.” Matthew 10:34-39 NKJV “Another parable He put forth to them, saying: “The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field; but while men slept, his enemy came and sowed tares among the wheat and went his way. But when the grain had sprouted and produced a crop, then the tares also appeared. So the servants of the owner came and said to him, ‘Sir, did you not sow good seed in your field? How then does it have tares?’ He said to them, ‘An enemy has done this.’ The servants said to him, ‘Do you want us then to go and gather them up?’ But he said, ‘No, lest while you gather up the tares you also uproot the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest, and at the time of harvest I will say to the reapers, “First gather together the tares and bind them in bundles to burn them, but gather the wheat into my barn.” ’ ”” Matthew 13:24-30 NKJV “Blessed is the man Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, Nor stands in the path of sinners, Nor sits in the seat of the scornful; But his delight is in the law of the Lord, And in His law he meditates day and night. He shall be like a tree Planted by the rivers of water, That brings forth its fruit in its season, Whose leaf also shall not wither; And whatever he does shall prosper. The ungodly are not so, But are like the chaff which the wind drives away. Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, Nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous. For the Lord knows the way of the righteous, But the way of the ungodly shall perish.” Psalms 1:1-6 NKJV Shalom The word of God shows us that we identify who is responsible for the behavior (wickedness) we don’t accept there council, as we expect them to behave accordingly, and don’t take offense. And we know that we are the good seed, planted next to the bad seed, in hope the bad seed would see the fruit that you bare, so they taste and see God is good. And if not we don’t take their council, and love them through their pain. As love covers a multitude of sin. Shalom ❤
““You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men. “You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:13-16 NKJV One more God Put on my heart Shalom ❤
I am experiencing the same thing, I do feel poorly after spending time with them so I only go when I am feeling extra strong, it's unfortunate for everyone.
@@David-eu1ms if your believe in Jesus, then you were planted on purpose next to the bad seed, in hopes, the believer will walk in Jesus feet, and know they are in darkness and can’t see, yet you do. So that’s why, love ❤️, solves the problem. It confuses them, some might turn around, most wont, but we must shine bright, and salt the earth, to bring in more lost. We take the authority God gave us to loose and bind also. Here’s a link to a video Ladderrain333 did on spiritual warfare. Shalom
Communal narcissists, I believe that situation is called, and in this case, I guess they literally take communion together. Time to shop for a new church! 😮
Saw 2 sheriffs cars and a paddy wagon at narc. Neighbor’s house. I was not hoping bad for him but just shook my head. It’s very terribly sad what goes on in their hearts every day. It’s always some cray cray drama.
Dr Carter, I grew up w a mother that triangulated w her children and it wasn’t until I turned 60 and took time in retirement to seek therapy and it has changed my life. It’s a very damaging thing to do to children and damages the relationship between siblings sadly. I’m looking forward to your july1 show on this topic. THANK YOU🙏🏼🥰👏🏻
Dr C I watch you every single day for the past 3 years. I want to thank you for helping me to dodge the abusive bullet that I dodged with the ex narcissistic person when I was discarded. The manipulation that he tried after the discard to get back in my life was so manipulative and I learned that through watching your videos. He did the smear campaign he did the feeling sorry for himself and acting like he was a victim all of the boxes checked for him to be a narcissistic person with NPD. I knew he was a weirdo throughout the 7 year relationship I just never let him get to me the way he could because I was in therapy and I was working on my codependency issues and developing boundaries and putting them in place. 3 years of no contact from me to him and also getting his son out of my house that he left with me that was starting to display some narcissistic behavior. I'm not usually this long-winded over a comment but I just wanted to let you know Dr C I feel like you saved my life and I am healing thank you
It's Friday. Sorry I missed. Just got a text that my ex passed in France in April. He had wonderful friends who knew his gifts. I happy he's where he wanted to be. I was able to get through to SS to get his benefits. Hold a good thought I can keep my section 8 apt. Finally. Free. I feel less than his elegant life and I am blessed to have a tender heart. He never took responsibility and I suspect a these friends he got to maintain his image. Got two spiritual signs just today. That honors me deeply.🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿
I just had a dream about Dr C., where he told me-about the malignant, sociopathic narc in my life, whom I’m beginning to think is “demon-possessed, for me to “Just keep choosing God over and over and that’s what I’ve been trying to do!” Thank you and God Bless! You’re doing God’s work here🙏❤
Les, I've been listening for a year, almost daily, and i keep learning things. Thank you for putting your stuff out there. I appreciate you. I love team healthy. (didja folks notice how easy it is to see dysfunction when you get healthy? 😢❤)
Narcissists are constantly so full of their abilities to be accurate all the time. They may not attempt certain tasks for fear of failure. The constant need to be above all they are in touch with, is so important to them that they are constantly in the mode of operation whereby they can prove themselves right all the time. And, if they have the intelligence to think in detail and research their ideas out, well then watch out! There narrative is the final word.
How do you handle a narcissist who fishes for information about yourself when experience has taught you not to trust them with personal information. They turn around and say, “how can we have a meaningful relationship if you’re so closed” This is an in-law relationship that I’m trying to maintain for the sake of another family member It’s never a two way disclosure of information - they can’t look me in the eye to talk to me
Dr C. Very on target. The complexity of systems of narc relationships is like walking down a darkened hall into a mess a spiders webs. Same reaction too! Ooooo. Education such as this has allowed me to manage myself and situations much more effectively. It also has me pining for the naive days of childhood before I could sense something was wrong. Those Brady bunch days when you thought nobody could possibly have it in for me. I get along with everyone who isn't mean to me. I feel foolish I had those thoughts until I learned people lie and can be deceitful - especially my own brother.
Go team healthy, great questions, my Doctor is swinging, please send more ,my go team healthy, my community and the joy, that bam, his friends from another country, i tell ya thank ya man, yes receive peace, our video is encouraging, from , go team healthy, thanks Doctor,
Hi Dr C, How do I deal with the grief of losing my dad after he discarded me a year ago? I’ve already spoken to 2 psychologists who both said my situation is beyond their capabilities. My siblings and I were raised by my dad from the age of 7 after our violent alcoholic mother was removed from the family home. I always saw my dad as my protector, even though I resented a lot of my childhood, particularly after he remarried to my step mother who made it clear that children were never part of her plan. It was strict, almost militaristic, the punishments never fit the “crimes”, there would be months at a time of stonewalling from both dad and our step mother. Despite both my dad and step mother being incredibly high earners (a successful entrepreneur and a managing director for a well known global corporation) we often went without and I’ve been paying my own way since I got my first job at 16. I moved out at 18 and haven’t asked for anything from them since then, however they still controlled everything we did, even as adults, including our relationships as we got older. They wouldn’t accept my engagement to my fiancé and refused to acknowledge it out loud. I’m 34 now and we have been together for 7 years but I held off planning the wedding because I knew it would come across as an act of war to my parents. Knowing my biological clock was ticking, we decided to try for a baby and brace for the fall out. It unfolded as I expected and my dad cut off contact almost immediately after I informed dad of my pregnancy, but not before saying some pretty awful things. I now know this treatment was wrong but it’s only been since I was discarded that I’ve been able to work through my experience and see that I’ve been living in a trauma bond for my entire life. The thing is, I know my dad is the way he is because of his own traumatic childhood so I find it impossible to feel anything but sorry for him and I’m grieving the relationship I thought I had with him. I know that I could reopen the lines of communication if I were willing to submit to the role I used to play but I’m adamant that I have to break the cycle and protect my now 4-month-old son and give him the childhood I wish I had. I’m trying to focus everything on him and put my grief aside. Is this all I can really do?
I'm not a psychologist, but you can't put your grief aside and forget it, you need to grieve for the parents and the childhood you didn't have or the grief will always be there. You have to deal with your situation so you can move on. Keep learning about narcissism. Keep looking for a counselor, there is one out there for you. Have you considered going no contact or decreasing contact with the toxic people? Like I say, I'm not a psychologist, I only know what I've learned from others. Keep listening to Dr. C. You have my best wishes. ❤
I unfortunately told my husband that I can see how others, mainly his exes called a narcissist. Soon after he started watching hours and hours of your RUclips videos on narcissism he made notes and now accuses me of being a covert narcissist. Does he really think I’m the narcissist? He has cheated, he is a porn /sex addict and he has now done his smear campaign against me to everyone in his family and now nobody speaks to me. He left me for 2 months to see family but refuses to talk to me for 3 weeks . What’s wrong with these people?
They always accuse you of things they are doing themselves. Sometimes, it's a great way to know exactly what they're up to, actually. Accuse you of cheating, overspending, being a narcissist in need of professional help...🙄 It is as close to self awareness as they're ever going to get, probably, but I've heard it described as them projecting their failings onto you so they can punish themselves through you, if you can follow that. That's how costly they find it to own their thoughts and behavior. They can't do it. ❤
Dr.C I struggle with my feelings and understandIng how a once loving son could be so mean and disregard his mother. I am not allowed to see my 5 grandchildren, have been through cancer treatments and surgery and my son still has gone no contact.
I know a PERSON who can take a petty, problem ( which was over a month ago)! She re- opened it: humiliated me- criss Examined me in front of OTHERS, and smugly patronizing.. A wet blanket critique!! ( ugh)!!!
What we're dealing here is with someone who its never their fault and its always yours, someone that wants to tell you how to think and what you feel, highly sensitive, needs a lot of attention, anything can trigger thier psychological abuse on you, liars, vindictive, hold grudges, use your weaknessess against you on purpose to hurt you, never spout their feelings and always want you to reveal yours first to use it to their advantage, triangulate you with other people, always include other people into the relationship, and rules for thee and not for me. They do things they wouldnt want you to do, complete hypocrites. All talk, no action. Never ask anything about you to get to know you. Turn any conversation to them. If a woman, very insecure so she needs the attention of many men and will dress promiscuous just to get said attention.
I believe my brother married a narcissist because our mother was a narcissist, so it seemed right and familiar. But like the effects of narcissism on my father the empath, my brother, too, is becoming more of an empty shell of a man. He is being isolated, put down, gaslit, and all those other horrible things you speak of. For years I have been trying to figure out what to do about this problem. When I have spoken of my mother's behavior being destructive to me, all my brothers immediately defend my mother as if she could do no wrong. After all this time of not getting thru their belief systems, it just occurred to me, why not send this video to my brow beaten brother! I can't believe I hadn't thought of this till now. I can't explain things like you can, I'm not a doctor like you are. Don't you think that would be a wise step towards saving my brother from his life being further destroyed!?!
His latest thing is "TELLING" me that I'm 4 years older than what I am. Like, I don't care, 59 or 63 (in his world) makes no difference to me because I'm still really pretty, but this latest thing is just too bizarre! He'll say stuff like "I checked" I think he's finally lost his marbles. Cheers. Christi 🇨🇦
Regarding political comments, I find it doesn't take overt declarations to figure out where people are coming from. For instance, if someone extolls the virtues of Fox News, complains about 'woke culture', the poor, people on benefits, etc., then I know where they are coming from.
What are the biggest differences between a narcissist and a sociopath? I’m recently out of a relationship with someone and I’m having trouble determining which one applies. In a lot of ways they seem similar.
Meanwhile, I think, they don't have an overall lack of self awareness. Especially, in cases of extreme angry reactions, I believe, they fall into rage where they feel, others put their finger exactly "where it hurts". Meaning, they rage, where they definitely don't lack self-awareness, but try to keep up the charade.
Have there been any studies regarding narcissists in planned communities such as ecovillages? what might attract a narcissist to such a community? My guess is that they see the group as a source of supply. How can the group deal with a narcissist in their midst?
Why not be honest and straight forward? I'm tired of keeping quiet to keep peace. I don't care if my honesty ruins what's left of these one sideded, "relationships". Next time my alcoholic abusive inlaw makes a comment about how she never sees her grandkids and is "stuck at home" and throws herself the alcoholic induced pitty party. Why not, with compassion and respect just explain, that we've tried for 30 years to involve and invite but her priority has always been substance abuse and I don't have a tolerance for her self centered, self serving behavior. I have nothing to lose with any of these toxic people. And if me being honest about my desire for respect runs them off, then my honesty is my setting boundaries. I nearly died during a medical emergency a few months ago and not one word of care, concern or sympathy. Not a single text, which takes 2 seconds to send. Yet she'll call me and wake me up at 2 am because she's literally falling down drunk. I have nothing to lose by being honest with abusive people. Going grey rock just seems to make abusers want to strap on climbing gear. I'd rather my honesty keep them away from me now. If she wants a relationship with her grandkids she can make that effort at her house. Why not be honest and let my honesty end that abuse?
Question: Do you have any suggestions or support for victims of gang stalking or if a few individuals have been stalking me for a while now without my consent what are some things I can do to help me get these people out of my life.... ?
Hey Dr. C, what about enmeshment as an origin of narcissism? I unfortunately know more than one narc, but one of the things they share... is an enmeshed family of origin, especially an authoritarian enmeshment... as a single woman, if I see enmeshment, should I run? is that a red flag?
How do you decide on a family law lawyer when they appear to have narcissistic characteristics? Is this a good decision to fight fire with fire when i want to have no contact with my husband of 21 years? Divorce from a narcissist is difficult, especially when members of their family like wolves gather for the spoils. I keep trying to remind myself that freedom comes at a price. But is there such a thing as a successful lawyer who is not a narcissist , at least I don't have to live with them too.
Dr. C - I have a question for you. How would you reply to or deal with people who say, "Fake it 'til you make it!"? It seems like a questionable approach at best!
@@treelover1050 She died in 2005 aged 85. I stayed in contact with her. I was the only one with her when she died. I did confront her about it. She said she did it because I badmouth her to my partner. Appearances and image is evito these people.
@@treelover1050 You don’t understand what biblical “leading” is. My wife was involved in every decision we made. I was NOT involved in any decision regarding her 15 year old now daughter. Hence why I am divorcing her. In addition to her extremely high spectrum narcissism. I was honest about my finances, she was not.
I think my favorite question is if you love so much (why do you nit pick everything I do if its not done my husband way)? Im not allowed to talk to anyone about our relationship. My husbands favorite comment my eye and lied to me ( Im never right/its always my fault).
My narc has a "harem" of flying monkeys. He will even talk about me with them in my presence. But, I better not do that. When I told him I discussed our situation with my sister, all hell broke loose. He's still fuming over it, and spewing hateful remarks at me because I dared talk about him negatively.
My family culture was to never talk about the family. I never complied… when i got to my late 50s i learned about narcissism, and could see they are all narcissistic (extemely)-explained so much! And, i am the villified member of family/not equally a member (per their stated opinion! but biologically we are all from the same parents…). They will never change. No contact, as soon as my mom has passed (dad already did…i saw his worst behavior so clearly i didnt/refused to recognize it in my sibs….🙄 denial-not just a river in Egypt 😂
I do not suppose you will read this you get too many, Your response to the person that spoke about her mother in law, you jumped to the conclusion that all mother in laws are unreasonable and upheld her narrative. I am not saying her mother in law is not unreasonable but without further information neither do you. There is a lot of women blaming in our societies. How long is too long not to see someone and who has designated that she is a narcissist other than someone with no qualifications in her daughter in law, Why could the daughter in law not be the narcissist? I see nothing in her comments to show she might not be. You spoke about a lot of things allocated to mother in laws with no real basis for your response. Women blaming stems from Freudian thinking and a society that still likes this way of thinking, it keeps certain people where they like to be.
@@angelawade1445 He could have responded differently to that one. There are ways he could have dealt with it that would have appeared to be unbiased towards either party, as the facts were not clear. He was a psychotherapist and as such should always be thinking there are two sides to every story. He is perpetuating a myth about mother in laws in that one, because there are just as many narcissistic in laws of all sexes, and some are unreasonable daughter in laws who on the surface sound okay. I worry that presented with the same scenario in a clinic he would have taken it at face value and done the same, He is on a world wide stage and that bears responsibilities about the things that are said. Psychotherapy abounds with men and women who have not studied how society views and unfairly judges women, and unfortunately neither have their mentors. He strikes me as someone who would like to know how it impacts others. If he read it I am sure he would. As with most internet things there are too many to read.
My husband of 51 years walked into my bedroom and heard your video. I didn't know he was there he slammed my door and shouted how I was talking about him and now it made sense what ruined our relationship. For over forty years and counseling with and without him I was finally done with his issues becoming my fault. I am in healing my self and soul! He almost broke me but is furious he did not succeed!
Yes receive your peace, you just be cool, thanks for your help, your comment, my community, i thank miss lady,
Sadly, some are so uncomfortable with any autonomy ...hang in there
This is why I wear AirPods, haha. 51 years! I thought 42 years was bad. I can’t imagine another 10 years of this. I finally packed up and left last week but before I closed the door, he said “so you’ll be home this weekend ?”
They are some sad people.
🤗🫶🧡🩵✨🤍💛❤️✨💚🧡🩵🩷🪷
The narcissist will say " I don't remember saying that."
In The Netherlands we have our prime minister Mark Rutte saying: I don’t have an active memory of it 😑
@@ek9348 How convenient, right? It worked for Reagan in the 1980s, and now it's standard for world leaders when they're in legal trouble. 🙄
I am so grateful to be learning about what narcissistic behavior is. My older sister, who’s always been mean, self-centered, self righteous, and a couple other things tried to tell me last year in March that I did not call her for her birthday when I know I did and she wanted me to say I did not call her which I was going to do that. Guess what her statement was I don’t remember that. Since then there’s been some stuff going on with her and my other sister and I blocked both of them because they are displaying ugly narcissistic behavior and I will not tolerate it. They are not mature enough to come to the table and have a conversation so they get no space in my life.
I came across this book "The Narcissism Epidemic" by Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell. It talks about how narcissism damages reciprocity that binds families and communities. There's so many stories of estrangement because of narcissism. It's literally ripping families apart.
Thanks for the reference!
It's evil...Narcissist obey Satan....and Satan gives them a feeling of 'better than'....yet eventually it destroys relationships and eventually destroys the narcissist also. Society is Narcissism, and it's falling apart because evil progressively gets worse.
Sadly so much of it these days, with social media having people thinking it's cool to not care. 😢
Sadly it’s true.
It's ripping churches apart. That's for sure! We are in a battle.
I was married when I was nineteen years old and my husband was twentynine. In the space of less than five years we had four children. But even this period that shoud a happy one , he began to yell at me. I did not understand how someone that had been so nice before the marriege could change so. At that time, nobody knew about narcissism. Dr. Carter , thank you so much for your informations. Say hello to Gus
Hello from Brazil.
I was fooled the same way. So caring and attentive. We also had 4 children in 4 and a half years. But then the wheels came off the bus. And his true self came out. As we know in team healthy, once we say no to these toxic people, they turn into a raging , uncontrollable mess. Wishing you well. Take care❤
The narcissist (s) are absolutely always trying to get us (Team Healthy) away from influences that might not suit their purposes, Dr. C! Yep! Isolation is one of their big things for sure! They just can't help it !😊
Those last few minutes described my father perfectly. So committed to his “rightness” he will sabotage other relationships within the family. Sick, but kind of fascinating once you have distanced yourself. My heart goes out to all the other scapegoats out there. Don’t get sucked back in!
I so identify with the person having a problem w/ the Mother in Law. I put up with mine for 45 yrs. She got no better over the years in fact she got worse, really bad. Run.....nothing apeases them they just demand more and more. There is no reasoning with her. Your husband belongs to her not you. He is her personal passion. If he wants to stay...leave him fast. He's one of her Flying monkeys!!!!
I met a lady on-line. We had several things in common. She has no friends and right from day 2 of our friendship she started bringing me food as we were remodeling our home. Food I could accept graciously. Than the gifts started, very expensive things. She would not listen to me when I told her to stop. She said it was her love language. I accepted her gifts because she would flap her arms and tell me to stop… just stop and take them! My hubs and I were feeling super uncomfortable. She always reached out to me and I rarely did to her. I knew something was just off. This lady talks non stop. After a year she knows very little about me. Not only the non stop talking and texting to complain about things she broke a boundary by smoking pot in my home.
We recently got into an argument and she saw a new side of me. I was done with her!
Was I dealing with a narc?
The narcissist said that over yesterday doesn't matter now. Well you can at least apologize. I'm not apologizing.
All of these narcissistic traits in themselves in one person could be managed, but it's their ability to manipulate others, and to influence them against the target or scapegoat, that's what's the most frightening to me.
Agree. Dealing w sibling and my parents enable his superior attitude and downplay his nasty behavior. He does really well and buys them things, manipulates and has them wrapped around his finger.
Prior to learning about narcissism I remember commenting
1) How can you be so sure you’re right? As he was strong in his convictions
2) Why don’t you just say what you mean. Instead of beating around the bush
3) You would argue that blue is black…even though it’s clear it’s blue
Seems I had observed the behaviour but was clueless
U were right on it.
It's been 2 months that I talked with my ex who I believe is a narcissist. Well, we've had contact and she's slowly admitting she was handling our relationship wrong and doesn't realize she only gave me closure and not making me want to be with her. I know I can't be with her and don't want to because I just can't deal with her mental state of mind. I'm only talking to her because we have twin boys now that are in this world. I keep my conversations on the kids and not trying to enter into the conversation on what happened between us. Just reading some of the things she texts only supports my belief that's she is a narcissist and it's because of me learning the habits, traits and words they use that helps me jot fall into a trap. Thank you for making these videos amd helping me see the signs of narcissism.
My partner had over 30 years as a therapist, social worker.
She had a close friend that had a relationship with a narc. As I as a non professional, was a mentally abusive relationship. My partner has also cut off her friendship with this person.
We have had this person in the middle of our relationship for about 4 or 5 years now. This person who I think is a narcissist has become an equal voter in our relationship. She has been insisting on me to be a friend of his.
He goes out of his was to make fun of my prior military service, my physical disabilities and being Irish. I have told my partner many times about my not liking this guy’s abuse. She claims I’m jealous and etc.
I told her what I think of his personality problems. She claims I am just jealous and has now asked me to move out.
They want you to listen, but they are terrible listeners…….They only hear their own thoughts.
THEY ARE SELF ABSORBED.
Well, you just wrote the book on the whole d$@* thing! So sad and frustrating
Hi Dr C
I’ve gone no contact with two of my family members over the last nine months, and to be honest it hasn’t always been easy, but in the last few weeks I have noticed that I’m thinking less & less of them and I’m getting on with my own life! As a safe guard I tune in to you every week to remind myself that I can’t slip back to where I was this time last year!! , so thanks Dr C for your friendly advice and all your videos explaining different aspects of the narcissistic condition. Keep up the good work! 😊💕
I can relate to you. 3 years ago no contact with my sister. It’s not easy, but the longer you stay in no contact, the more you come back to yourself and you can analyse everything from a distance. You will probably realize than the abuse is more worse and longer going on than you thought. Keep going, don’t fall for their attempts to get in contact again! And I also still need the info over and over again to realize I am not the crazy one. Do everything out of selfprotection, cause it’s a positive motivation to stay put. You can do it 💪🏻
@@ek9348
Thanks for your kind words, and there’s no danger of me ever having any kind of connection or relationship with those two again, once you’ve been through it it’s a “Never again” situation for me!! With Dr C’s videos each week I will get stronger and it’s great that as a community we can spur each other on!! Thanks again for your advice.😊🤗
I have been NO contact with my sisters for over 5 years. They were horrible. The first time I put my foot down and made boundaries, I was met with rage and disgusting language. You will feel "bad " for a while, but then yoi will start to feel indifferent. Good luck 😂
@@teresacotton7923Me too! I look back over the last six months after going no to very low contact- except for family functions a and now know it was the best medicine for me. She was trying to bully me back in but I put my foot down and I stand in my truth. I practiced being extremely calm and she squirmed. I stand in my truth and I refuse to drink her poison. My older sibling. Sad but true. Stay strong.
I can't help thinking he's an narc. But he's childishly delightful, charming to everyone else, rarely explosive. He's probably a covert, but I can't nail him down. Many days I feel like a fool, yet i can't have a moment to myself. It's like living with an overgrown hyperactive 3-year old! I need help understanding what i experience.
Yes 36 yrs with Mr delightful. Let me guess. Is it exhausting? I mean the impulsiveness, intruding into your personal space (boundaries), need for supply (constant novelty seeking) very low reciprocal giving etc etc. He WILL wear u down. Keep Dr C close ❤
Seems to be regressing into toddlerhood as he ages? Responsibility drives him right up the wall? Wants you to think the problem is YOU? 🤔
Keep watching! You can sort it out and choose to foster good in your life.
My narcissistic family- who have no legal training- tried to isolate me from my lawyers. Telling me they ‘didn’t understand’ a family legal situation. Oh boy, the lawyers understood alright and found the fraud my sister was perpetrating.
There are a few heirlooms in my family that came with the story of how they were rescued from an ancestor's home before a greedy son could get grandma in her dotage to sign everything over to him in the will. Must be one lurking somewhere in a lot of family trees. 😮
I love your The Scapegoat Club title. Makes me feel not alone. The narcissist always tars you with the same brush they themselves carry as I found out.
@@heather3358 There are quite a few of us in The Scapegoat Club- I have a RUclips channel where I talk about narcissistic families... if you ever feel like you need more support, you would be in good company! Take care
Thinking about the damages of abuse and how it goes on and on , the only way to stop the cycle is to break the chains , it’s hard work but the narcissist doesn’t change , I use to think the side effects of abuse was a kid trashing their rooms or hoarding it’s so much deeper than those things
That is a great question: How does someone so emotionally immature and un-intelligent come up with such grand lies?
Thanks for addressing the "chain of command". My husband and I became Christians in our 20's and started learning about Christian living. Not everything we learned was helpful, but we were very sincere and ernest. I didn't have a problem with the concept of wives submitting to their husbands as my husband is a considerate man. One day, in our 50's, he apologised to me and our daughters, saying that he no longer wished to be regarded as the "head of the household" and have "the final word" or be the "spiritual leader", as it had, in his opinion, encouraged him to be entitled.
We appreciate and respect his conviction.
He tolerated and did his best for my covert narcissistic mother.
She did us and our children much harm while we tried to win her over with love. Didn't work.
I’m so happy your husband realized and apologized to you and your daughters. That gives me a little hope
My father in law was a baptist preacher and the head of household and submitting is a big part of my life
I don’t have any friends outside of work and don’t see any of my family except for my daughter. I see her as much as I can. I do put my foot down there. She’s about to have her first baby and I know it’s goi g to be a fight for me to go be with her. I wish I didn’t have to come back
I have self loathing myself and I carry so much shame for things I’ve done. But I am not a narcissist. I married one. My life is such a mess. I do t know how I’m goi g to get out of this
@@alicerice8506 sounds as though you are in pain. I don't know quite what your circumstances are, but I do know that though God is good, and the Bible is true, sometimes the way people understand His words and put them into practice is wrong or even bad. Keep seeking to know Him better. Ask Him any question, pray for His guidance when you read the Bible. Have a look at what other teachers and denominations have to say about hard topics. I recommend the book "Ten Lies Men Believe". Written by a man, he addresses what Paul really had to say about women (he considered them as co-workers with their own spiritual gifts, not inferior creatures who could only operate "under a man's covering").
For your feelings of shame, guilt and regret: Do you believe that Yeshua/Jesus made full atonement for you and that you can be forgiven and cleansed by trusting in His perfect work on the cross? Just by sincerely asking Him to forgive for all your sins, known and unknown, intentional and unintentional, you can have a completely new start. Forgive yourself. Extend grace and compassion to yourself. Ask God to show you if you are bearing false shame put on you by others. You can be free of it. I recommend the You Version Bible app which has wonderful plans and an encouraging video message every day.
Can you join a women's Bible study group for fellowship and to discuss the Word and pray for each other? This has been a comfort and strength to me in dark times and remember, you are part of God's worldwide family of loving brothers and sisters. Find the ones you get on with ... ones who are kind, not judgmental.
@@alicerice8506 about having to "fight" to see your adult daughter: I suppose because she is an adult, that the difficulty is with her, not some other person? I recommend learning about Parental Alienation in case that's happened, and also about Estrangement. In any case, "fighting" doesn't work. On RUclips, Tina Gilbertson has a "roadmap to recovery" on episodes 97, 98 and 99 of her Reconnection Club. Short episodes, very helpful.
Focus on finding some healing for yourself and know that you are worth loving. No-one is perfect and every parent makes mistakes.
Two of our daughters were alienated against my husband and me and I fought for decades to restore the relationships but everything I did was interpreted in the worst way and they ended up despising me more and treating me with contempt. Our younger three daughters did not believe the backstabbing lies about us and we have good relationships with them. I learned to let go and detach emotionally from the cruel daughters and am so much more at peace. I pray for courage and peace and wisdom and hope in the right things, for you, friend.
Kindness, compassion, peace, etc. are all slang for the “Language of Love”!
Agree!
Narc made another decision without letting me know and
he knows who is in charge of Mom’s stuff.
He refuses to communicate what he’s doing and he knows I am the final decision maker in this circumstance.
I am at my wits end with this mess. I want him out of the process with our mother’s property.
I’m thinking I just need to call my Moms Attorney ?
Might not hurt. At least you'd know your options.
This is a lot of good information that has been eye opening I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist married for 14 yrs and together for 18 yrs this video is him all day I’m just know learning about this in the last 3 weeks and I just can believe I’ve been involved with a person like this I had the blinders on so tight and ignored so much of our relationship and him being 10yrs older doesn’t help smh…. Long road ahead but I’m glad I know what’s going on my head and heart is with god
I don't know if it's blinders, or more like having been surrounded by a fog. Give yourself some grace, because you have just found the missing piece of a very confusing puzzle. I can remember that moment myself, just like learning to ride a bike. There's the moment you find the word for it and you just can't unsee it anymore. ❤
Being Switzerland. Being Neutral... Acknowledgment of the limitations of that relationship in front of you. I really like that Dr. C! Great question, brilliant response. Thank you! 😊
I’ve been involved in a program that works with groups of adolescents to prevent these sad situations. Interestingly, as we adults participate, our own healing transforms us--a wonderful win-win.
Love it! We need more of these initiatives.
Narcissism exists not much we can do about, proof is that we suffer because of it, on team healthy Dr .C emphasis is to equip us to survive it and go towards healthiness we were meant to live.
Thank you for continuing to do this work, Dr. Carter, even in so-called "retirement." This is where I first came upon the term narcissism as a psych term, and it has changed my life. I have quite a lot up ahead to deal with, but it certainly helps to start with knowing I'm not crazy after all! ❤😂😊
It really helps to have this info, doesn't it? I'm finding the sorting of who's really acting badly opens my eyes so much. It's a long road, sometimes hard, but the improvement and info help me keep sorting out what, and who! the problem is. Good luck in your voyage too! 🌹🌱😊
Missing your lives Dr Carter and this community. Hope to catch a live soon.
You made it, though!
more and more people are learning .. thank you
I love you Dr.C all I have to do listen to you then I feel good, you are a gift for humanity.
You're kind, Fred
Thank you Dr C. I am learning so much from you, God bless you for helping people like me. When you do your lesson on triangulation, can you offer healthy tips on how to rebuild your life after being emotionally abused by a narcissistic mothet who made it her top priority to spend her entire life turning my siblings against me. Today my mother is 89 and I am 66... I am still treated like an outcast, bullied, etc. I am trying to go no contact but my siblings are still feeling entitled to destroy me. Any suggestions on how to move forward and forget these people?
I went no contact completely & I have just turned a peaceful 65
@@caroleminke6116 I am trying but my siblings chase after my adult children to tell them they are innocent implying I am making up all this drama. Everytime these people come back into my life, they bring their negative drama with them. But, I am trying to break free.
Keep trying, & think of doing some self-compassion/self-love work for your own self care ❤❤❤
@@Rain9Quinn ❤
It's hard I only will see them in small increments when I have to but no contact most of time
Collegiality, a great new word!
I am going to continue what I need to do.
I’m dealing with their brick wall they made for themselves and others. I’ve learned to climb mountains.
I don’t play or climb on his brick wall.
There are ways around this.
Dr. Carter I appreciate you so much, there are no words to say. ❤
Agree 💯
Such an oasis this community is!
You are quite welcome
This session was very helpful in understanding the narcs in my life right now. So thankful for you Dr…
Amazingly articulate Dr. Carter.
Dr. C: I am so grateful that you chose to include the question about systems! There is a program being implemented in our church. The person in charge of it is like you said - pushing people into it as if it's a given, the only way to go, but in a manipulative rather than direct way. And the person who created the program also seems very narcissistic (grandiose) to me. I already knew of the person in charge's narcissistic tendencies because of private interactions, this just makes me more sure!
Run for the hills. Run away from this place. Believe me, it's for the best. I speak from experience. No church group or religion is worth losing your mental health and autonomy over. If you stay you will be sorry eventually, you will be burned, you will be abused somehow eventually, especially if you try to rebell, those narcisstic leaders will be out to get you and make an example of you.
Question - Dr C How do you know when to leave a 20 year marriage with 2 teenagers. I gave up my career 16 years ago to homeschool . Things have escalated and he is very controlling and everything is our fault. Controlling finances and has gotten more aggressive and angry the older he’s getting. He’s the boss we’re the employees! I don’t want to split up our family but I think the environment is getting worse. Thank you for your input you have helped so many ❤
Im in the same situation. Three teens, a child and a baby. They want out and I too, homeschool. I dont want to give that up and my good interest rate on my house.
I am too. I know I can't live with him as it's starting to feel unsafe, which is how I knew it was time to go. I don't want to lose my good interest rate, either, but I decided my life is worth more, and I don't want to worry that my own teenager won't want to see me because he doesn't want to be around his dad. Those have been my deciding factors, and it makes a lot of things much clearer for me.
@@cc1k435 very good point.may God help each of us on this rocky, stressful journey.may we come out alive.
Hello there Dr. C! I have a sister who has been diagnosed with “BPD” & I have such a hard time believing that she’s truly oblivious to her narcissistic traits. It’s painful to watch my mom constantly pick up the pieces to support her life including caring for her children full time. How can I program myself to understand how she cares so well for herself but drops the ball everywhere else?
You might want to ask Dr. Kim Sage or Dr. Ramani as well. Don't get me wrong, I love Dr. C, but Dr. Sage & Dr. Ramani talks a lot about BPD. Just an idea.
@@mday3821 Thank you so much for the advice. I really struggle in this area.
@@Ari083 It's really hard to set boundaries with people who don't respect them anyway! 😕
I have a parent who does the triangulation by putting my brother and I against each other in all matters. I will avoid my parents home and them to avoid conflict and controversy. But they are getting older and I don't want to miss out on what time I have left with them. Hard to be around them though as within 30 minutes the BS starts happening. I've tried to politely sit down and talk to them but it doesn't help. I'm a person who has a strong relationship with Jesus Christ. I'm finding it difficult to honor thy mother and father who has this narcissistic type of behavior. How do I move forward?
““Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to ‘set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law’; and ‘a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.’ He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.”
Matthew 10:34-39 NKJV
“Another parable He put forth to them, saying: “The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field; but while men slept, his enemy came and sowed tares among the wheat and went his way. But when the grain had sprouted and produced a crop, then the tares also appeared. So the servants of the owner came and said to him, ‘Sir, did you not sow good seed in your field? How then does it have tares?’ He said to them, ‘An enemy has done this.’ The servants said to him, ‘Do you want us then to go and gather them up?’ But he said, ‘No, lest while you gather up the tares you also uproot the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest, and at the time of harvest I will say to the reapers, “First gather together the tares and bind them in bundles to burn them, but gather the wheat into my barn.” ’ ””
Matthew 13:24-30 NKJV
“Blessed is the man Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, Nor stands in the path of sinners, Nor sits in the seat of the scornful; But his delight is in the law of the Lord, And in His law he meditates day and night. He shall be like a tree Planted by the rivers of water, That brings forth its fruit in its season, Whose leaf also shall not wither; And whatever he does shall prosper. The ungodly are not so, But are like the chaff which the wind drives away. Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, Nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous. For the Lord knows the way of the righteous, But the way of the ungodly shall perish.”
Psalms 1:1-6 NKJV
Shalom
The word of God shows us that we identify who is responsible for the behavior (wickedness) we don’t accept there council, as we expect them to behave accordingly, and don’t take offense. And we know that we are the good seed, planted next to the bad seed, in hope the bad seed would see the fruit that you bare, so they taste and see God is good. And if not we don’t take their council, and love them through their pain. As love covers a multitude of sin. Shalom ❤
““You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men. “You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”
Matthew 5:13-16 NKJV
One more God
Put on my heart
Shalom ❤
I am experiencing the same thing, I do feel poorly after spending time with them so I only go when I am feeling extra strong, it's unfortunate for everyone.
@@David-eu1ms if your believe in Jesus, then you were planted on purpose next to the bad seed, in hopes, the believer will walk in Jesus feet, and know they are in darkness and can’t see, yet you do. So that’s why, love ❤️, solves the problem. It confuses them, some might turn around, most wont, but we must shine bright, and salt the earth, to bring in more lost. We take the authority God gave us to loose and bind also. Here’s a link to a video Ladderrain333 did on spiritual warfare.
Shalom
Honor thyself
Thank you so much:)
You're welcome!
Don’t ever say let’s just agree to disagree. Or we can have different opinions.
I’m just screwed for lack of a better word 🤦🏻♀️ 😢
It's like trying to reason with a dysregulated toddler.
I did this 20 years ago and it was the beginning of the end with much suffering for me for those 20 years.
Aloha 😊 Dr. Carter. So good to see you. ☺️
Aloha, Rita! Great to hear from you.
In church there was the Grand Poo Ba, or Bertha-better-n-you, AND a whole lot of flying monkeys.
In the church?
Communal narcissists, I believe that situation is called, and in this case, I guess they literally take communion together. Time to shop for a new church! 😮
Losers without a Focus become agents or Flying monkey for Wicked Witch if North.
@@cc1k435more like communion Narcissists 😂😂😂
Saw 2 sheriffs cars and a paddy wagon at narc. Neighbor’s house. I was not hoping bad for him but just shook my head. It’s very terribly sad what goes on in their hearts every day. It’s always some cray cray drama.
I'm familiar with your great teachings👍☺️ thankyou ❤️
So pleased!
Wow, D R C. You nailed it
Dr Carter, I grew up w a mother that triangulated w her children and it wasn’t until I turned 60 and took time in retirement to seek therapy and it has changed my life. It’s a very damaging thing to do to children and damages the relationship between siblings sadly. I’m looking forward to your july1 show on this topic. THANK YOU🙏🏼🥰👏🏻
Uncle Les
Being there for all the kids.
Thank you
Glad to!
You are the best Dr C every thing you say is so on point, I just wish more people could here you
Autocorrect you. I like that thought
38:51 mark, go bang your head on a brick wall! 🤣 Aw man you made me drop my crocheting laughing so hard! 🤣
It's nice to hear straight out exactly how much"give" you can expect in their behavior! Made me laugh too. 😂
I call it Pee Wee Herman arguements. Everything you say is "I know you are but what am I"
That's about the level of maturity we're dealing with, no offense to PeeWee.
I love it. Lol
Very apt description. 😂
Dr C I watch you every single day for the past 3 years. I want to thank you for helping me to dodge the abusive bullet that I dodged with the ex narcissistic person when I was discarded. The manipulation that he tried after the discard to get back in my life was so manipulative and I learned that through watching your videos. He did the smear campaign he did the feeling sorry for himself and acting like he was a victim all of the boxes checked for him to be a narcissistic person with NPD. I knew he was a weirdo throughout the 7 year relationship I just never let him get to me the way he could because I was in therapy and I was working on my codependency issues and developing boundaries and putting them in place. 3 years of no contact from me to him and also getting his son out of my house that he left with me that was starting to display some narcissistic behavior. I'm not usually this long-winded over a comment but I just wanted to let you know Dr C I feel like you saved my life and I am healing thank you
Please know that I'm so happy you're improving, and I consider it an honor to be on the journey with you!
It's Friday. Sorry I missed. Just got a text that my ex passed in France in April. He had wonderful friends who knew his gifts. I happy he's where he wanted to be. I was able to get through to SS to get his benefits. Hold a good thought I can keep my section 8 apt. Finally. Free. I feel less than his elegant life and I am blessed to have a tender heart. He never took responsibility and I suspect a these friends he got to maintain his image. Got two spiritual signs just today. That honors me deeply.🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿
Lots to unpack, Nancy.
I just had a dream about Dr C., where he told me-about the malignant, sociopathic narc in my life, whom I’m beginning to think is “demon-possessed, for me to “Just keep choosing God over and over and that’s what I’ve been trying to do!” Thank you and God Bless! You’re doing God’s work here🙏❤
Dreams tend to represent your unfinished business. So glad your mind is working it out!!
Les, I've been listening for a year, almost daily, and i keep learning things. Thank you for putting your stuff out there. I appreciate you. I love team healthy. (didja folks notice how easy it is to see dysfunction when you get healthy? 😢❤)
So pleased for your encouraging comments. Thanks.
“I really appreciate your input”😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Narcissists are constantly so full of their abilities to be accurate all the time. They may not attempt certain tasks for fear of failure. The constant need to be above all they are in touch with, is so important to them that they are constantly in the mode of operation whereby they can prove themselves right all the time. And, if they have the intelligence to think in detail and research their ideas out, well then watch out! There narrative is the final word.
There are people I would like to ask,
"What is your definition of 'love?"
Evidence? Lol What is that? It is foreign to a narcissist. You cannot reason with the unreasonable.
They still lie even after the evidence. Like you fabricated the evidence.
TALKING WITH THEM IS LIKE TALKING WITH A WALL.
How do you handle a narcissist who fishes for information about yourself when experience has taught you not to trust them with personal information. They turn around and say, “how can we have a meaningful relationship if you’re so closed”
This is an in-law relationship that I’m trying to maintain for the sake of another family member
It’s never a two way disclosure of information - they can’t look me in the eye to talk to me
FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION. YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T TRUST THEM SO SHARE NO PERSONAL INFORMATION. THEY WILL USE IT AGAINST YOU. PROTECT YOURSELF AND LIFE.
@@treelover1050 I am trusting myself. I need ways to keep communication open without trusting them with stuff 😏
Dr C. Very on target. The complexity of systems of narc relationships is like walking down a darkened hall into a mess a spiders webs. Same reaction too! Ooooo. Education such as this has allowed me to manage myself and situations much more effectively. It also has me pining for the naive days of childhood before I could sense something was wrong. Those Brady bunch days when you thought nobody could possibly have it in for me. I get along with everyone who isn't mean to me. I feel foolish I had those thoughts until I learned people lie and can be deceitful - especially my own brother.
Thanks
Go team healthy, great questions, my Doctor is swinging, please send more ,my go team healthy, my community and the joy, that bam, his friends from another country, i tell ya thank ya man, yes receive peace, our video is encouraging, from , go team healthy, thanks Doctor,
Hi Dr C,
How do I deal with the grief of losing my dad after he discarded me a year ago? I’ve already spoken to 2 psychologists who both said my situation is beyond their capabilities.
My siblings and I were raised by my dad from the age of 7 after our violent alcoholic mother was removed from the family home. I always saw my dad as my protector, even though I resented a lot of my childhood, particularly after he remarried to my step mother who made it clear that children were never part of her plan. It was strict, almost militaristic, the punishments never fit the “crimes”, there would be months at a time of stonewalling from both dad and our step mother. Despite both my dad and step mother being incredibly high earners (a successful entrepreneur and a managing director for a well known global corporation) we often went without and I’ve been paying my own way since I got my first job at 16. I moved out at 18 and haven’t asked for anything from them since then, however they still controlled everything we did, even as adults, including our relationships as we got older. They wouldn’t accept my engagement to my fiancé and refused to acknowledge it out loud. I’m 34 now and we have been together for 7 years but I held off planning the wedding because I knew it would come across as an act of war to my parents. Knowing my biological clock was ticking, we decided to try for a baby and brace for the fall out. It unfolded as I expected and my dad cut off contact almost immediately after I informed dad of my pregnancy, but not before saying some pretty awful things. I now know this treatment was wrong but it’s only been since I was discarded that I’ve been able to work through my experience and see that I’ve been living in a trauma bond for my entire life. The thing is, I know my dad is the way he is because of his own traumatic childhood so I find it impossible to feel anything but sorry for him and I’m grieving the relationship I thought I had with him. I know that I could reopen the lines of communication if I were willing to submit to the role I used to play but I’m adamant that I have to break the cycle and protect my now 4-month-old son and give him the childhood I wish I had. I’m trying to focus everything on him and put my grief aside. Is this all I can really do?
I'm not a psychologist, but you can't put your grief aside and forget it, you need to grieve for the parents and the childhood you didn't have or the grief will always be there. You have to deal with your situation so you can move on. Keep learning about narcissism. Keep looking for a counselor, there is one out there for you. Have you considered going no contact or decreasing contact with the toxic people? Like I say, I'm not a psychologist, I only know what I've learned from others. Keep listening to Dr. C. You have my best wishes. ❤
I unfortunately told my husband that I can see how others, mainly his exes called a narcissist. Soon after he started watching hours and hours of your RUclips videos on narcissism he made notes and now accuses me of being a covert narcissist. Does he really think I’m the narcissist?
He has cheated, he is a porn /sex addict and he has now done his smear campaign against me to everyone in his family and now nobody speaks to me.
He left me for 2 months to see family but refuses to talk to me for 3 weeks . What’s wrong with these people?
They always accuse you of things they are doing themselves. Sometimes, it's a great way to know exactly what they're up to, actually. Accuse you of cheating, overspending, being a narcissist in need of professional help...🙄
It is as close to self awareness as they're ever going to get, probably, but I've heard it described as them projecting their failings onto you so they can punish themselves through you, if you can follow that. That's how costly they find it to own their thoughts and behavior. They can't do it. ❤
Dr.C I struggle with my feelings and understandIng how a once loving son could be so mean and disregard his mother. I am not allowed to see my 5 grandchildren, have been through cancer treatments and surgery and my son still has gone no contact.
I know a PERSON who can take a petty, problem ( which was over a month ago)! She re- opened it: humiliated me- criss Examined me in front of OTHERS, and smugly patronizing.. A wet blanket critique!! ( ugh)!!!
What we're dealing here is with someone who its never their fault and its always yours, someone that wants to tell you how to think and what you feel, highly sensitive, needs a lot of attention, anything can trigger thier psychological abuse on you, liars, vindictive, hold grudges, use your weaknessess against you on purpose to hurt you, never spout their feelings and always want you to reveal yours first to use it to their advantage, triangulate you with other people, always include other people into the relationship, and rules for thee and not for me. They do things they wouldnt want you to do, complete hypocrites. All talk, no action. Never ask anything about you to get to know you. Turn any conversation to them. If a woman, very insecure so she needs the attention of many men and will dress promiscuous just to get said attention.
I believe my brother married a narcissist because our mother was a narcissist, so it seemed right and familiar. But like the effects of narcissism on my father the empath, my brother, too, is becoming more of an empty shell of a man. He is being isolated, put down, gaslit, and all those other horrible things you speak of. For years I have been trying to figure out what to do about this problem. When I have spoken of my mother's behavior being destructive to me, all my brothers immediately defend my mother as if she could do no wrong. After all this time of not getting thru their belief systems, it just occurred to me, why not send this video to my brow beaten brother! I can't believe I hadn't thought of this till now. I can't explain things like you can, I'm not a doctor like you are. Don't you think that would be a wise step towards saving my brother from his life being further destroyed!?!
His latest thing is "TELLING" me that I'm 4 years older than what I am.
Like, I don't care, 59 or 63 (in his world) makes no difference to me because I'm still really pretty, but this latest thing is just too bizarre!
He'll say stuff like "I checked"
I think he's finally lost his marbles.
Cheers.
Christi 🇨🇦
Regarding political comments, I find it doesn't take overt declarations to figure out where people are coming from. For instance, if someone extolls the virtues of Fox News, complains about 'woke culture', the poor, people on benefits, etc., then I know where they are coming from.
Yep.
What are the biggest differences between a narcissist and a sociopath? I’m recently out of a relationship with someone and I’m having trouble determining which one applies. In a lot of ways they seem similar.
They are very similar. Lots of overlap
Meanwhile, I think, they don't have an overall lack of self awareness. Especially, in cases of extreme angry reactions, I believe, they fall into rage where they feel, others put their finger exactly "where it hurts". Meaning, they rage, where they definitely don't lack self-awareness, but try to keep up the charade.
6:51 control the narrative. When a narcissist lies and rages.
Have there been any studies regarding narcissists in planned communities such as ecovillages? what might attract a narcissist to such a community? My guess is that they see the group as a source of supply. How can the group deal with a narcissist in their midst?
Why not be honest and straight forward?
I'm tired of keeping quiet to keep peace.
I don't care if my honesty ruins what's left of these one sideded, "relationships".
Next time my alcoholic abusive inlaw makes a comment about how she never sees her grandkids and is "stuck at home" and throws herself the alcoholic induced pitty party.
Why not, with compassion and respect just explain, that we've tried for 30 years to involve and invite but her priority has always been substance abuse and I don't have a tolerance for her self centered, self serving behavior.
I have nothing to lose with any of these toxic people.
And if me being honest about my desire for respect runs them off, then my honesty is my setting boundaries.
I nearly died during a medical emergency a few months ago and not one word of care, concern or sympathy. Not a single text, which takes 2 seconds to send. Yet she'll call me and wake me up at 2 am because she's literally falling down drunk.
I have nothing to lose by being honest with abusive people. Going grey rock just seems to make abusers want to strap on climbing gear.
I'd rather my honesty keep them away from me now.
If she wants a relationship with her grandkids she can make that effort at her house.
Why not be honest and let my honesty end that abuse?
I have no problem at all with what you are saying here.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I really appreciate you. You make me feel seen, heard and most importantly, understood. Thank you.
I’m with you 💯 !! 👍
Exactly. Accurate. Sad.
Question: Do you have any suggestions or support for victims of gang stalking or if a few individuals have been stalking me for a while now without my consent what are some things I can do to help me get these people out of my life.... ?
A nut, I've been dealing with a mean crazy lying person
Hey Dr. C, what about enmeshment as an origin of narcissism? I unfortunately know more than one narc, but one of the things they share... is an enmeshed family of origin, especially an authoritarian enmeshment... as a single woman, if I see enmeshment, should I run? is that a red flag?
do you have a narc proof dating strategy ;)
Narcissist are highly codependent, and enmeshment is a key feature of that. So yes, it's a big red flag.
A wall, but a disagreeable and resentful one. 😢
How do you decide on a family law lawyer when they appear to have narcissistic characteristics? Is this a good decision to fight fire with fire when i want to have no contact with my husband of 21 years? Divorce from a narcissist is difficult, especially when members of their family like wolves gather for the spoils. I keep trying to remind myself that freedom comes at a price. But is there such a thing as a successful lawyer who is not a narcissist , at least I don't have to live with them too.
Dr. C - I have a question for you. How would you reply to or deal with people who say, "Fake it 'til you make it!"? It seems like a questionable approach at best!
My mother waa happy to try to destroy my relationship with ny partner to make herself look good.
I hope you are no contact with her.
@@treelover1050 She died in 2005 aged 85. I stayed in contact with her. I was the only one with her when she died.
I did confront her about it. She said she did it because I badmouth her to my partner.
Appearances and image is evito these people.
What do I do if my husband wants me to continue in a friendship with another couple, where the husband is narcissistic and very belittling to me
Time to move on again Dr. Time to move on again.
🥨Lol😊
i think i missed last week.. maybe it was the week before.. these weeks are flying by..
1. Not talking to friends.. I had to disconnect from all of my friends that were connected to the Narc...
2. Hard evidence.. They won't ever be wrong..
3. Faking them out.. It sounds like people-pleasing..
4. Calculating.. I would almost use the word devious..
5. Gothard.. Narcs love it when they have loyal subjects..
Help me get away please
Google and call the domestic abuse hotline. They may have the very resources you need.
DON'T LET HIM KNOW YOUR PLANS.
Make a very detailed plan and move quickly when you are ready. If in danger contact the authorities for advice and help. God speed.
Hello from Denmark, so happy I found your channel, thx for everything.
You are so welcome!
No clue absolutely no clue.
No the religious hierarchy is not 1 up 1 down. Husband leads, not controls.
We think differently.
NO NEED FOR A HUSBAND TO LEAD . A WOMAN CAN THINK FOR HERSELF AND DISCUSS ISSUES WITH A MAN IN AN ATMOSPHERE OF EQUALITY.
@@treelover1050 You don’t understand what biblical “leading” is. My wife was involved in every decision we made. I was NOT involved in any decision regarding her 15 year old now daughter. Hence why I am divorcing her. In addition to her extremely high spectrum narcissism. I was honest about my finances, she was not.
@@SurvivingNarcissism You don’t understand biblical “leading” What is the current divorce rate here vs India?
@@treelover1050 So you have the same gifts as your husband? He has the same gifts as you? I highly doubt it.
8:26
I think my favorite question is if you love so much (why do you nit pick everything I do if its not done my husband way)? Im not allowed to talk to anyone about our relationship. My husbands favorite comment my eye and lied to me ( Im never right/its always my fault).
My narc has a "harem" of flying monkeys. He will even talk about me with them in my presence. But, I better not do that. When I told him I discussed our situation with my sister, all hell broke loose. He's still fuming over it, and spewing hateful remarks at me because I dared talk about him negatively.
My family culture was to never talk about the family. I never complied… when i got to my late 50s i learned about narcissism, and could see they are all narcissistic (extemely)-explained so much! And, i am the villified member of family/not equally a member (per their stated opinion! but biologically we are all from the same parents…). They will never change. No contact, as soon as my mom has passed (dad already did…i saw his worst behavior so clearly i didnt/refused to recognize it in my sibs….🙄 denial-not just a river in Egypt 😂
@@Rain9Quinn My sympathy to you and anyone else raised by two narcs! One was enough for me😥
@@Hatbox948 Let him fume!
Yep. The first thing asked by my narc husband if I said I talked to my family is an angry, "What did you tell them about me?" 🙄
I do not suppose you will read this you get too many, Your response to the person that spoke about her mother in law, you jumped to the conclusion that all mother in laws are unreasonable and upheld her narrative. I am not saying her mother in law is not unreasonable but without further information neither do you. There is a lot of women blaming in our societies. How long is too long not to see someone and who has designated that she is a narcissist other than someone with no qualifications in her daughter in law, Why could the daughter in law not be the narcissist? I see nothing in her comments to show she might not be. You spoke about a lot of things allocated to mother in laws with no real basis for your response. Women blaming stems from Freudian thinking and a society that still likes this way of thinking, it keeps certain people where they like to be.
The good Dr is more than fair and responds to questions with the information he is given.
@@angelawade1445 He could have responded differently to that one. There are ways he could have dealt with it that would have appeared to be unbiased towards either party, as the facts were not clear. He was a psychotherapist and as such should always be thinking there are two sides to every story. He is perpetuating a myth about mother in laws in that one, because there are just as many narcissistic in laws of all sexes, and some are unreasonable daughter in laws who on the surface sound okay. I worry that presented with the same scenario in a clinic he would have taken it at face value and done the same, He is on a world wide stage and that bears responsibilities about the things that are said. Psychotherapy abounds with men and women who have not studied how society views and unfairly judges women, and unfortunately neither have their mentors. He strikes me as someone who would like to know how it impacts others. If he read it I am sure he would. As with most internet things there are too many to read.
🥨 exactly 💯 Twisted