I want to offer my perspective on the topic of adult children reconnecting with estranged relatives. I am 68. I have been invalidated and treated like an outcast by my mother and siblings my whole life. I blocked out most of my childhood trauma as an adult and have tried to forget the past and live peacefully with my relatives. But, the last 10 years have been hell on earth for me. No matter how hard I tried to fit in, I have been subjected to the narcissistic manipulation of my mother and siblings all over again. Their modus operandi has always been to label me difficult, isolate me from other family members by saying malicious gossip based on their own false narratives, and in doing so, silence me. That is where I find myself today. Totally isolated. My only support has been my adult children but because they interact with my biological family it is only a matter of time before they accept the lies. The lack of remorse within family bullying systems can only be addressed through distance. No one ever said reconnecting with malignant and dysfunctional people who feel they can get away with the level of character assassination I have been subjected to is required, necessary or desirable. Reopening old wounds in social family settings will be like opening Pandora's box.
@@mr.makedonija2627 Thank you! I wish you all the best... it's better to have a few reliable friends you can trust than to allow fake relatives to continually provoke conflict. All the best to you!
Yes I'm a single 74 y/o person. My sons are 41 & 43 -- they have bought into the extended family lies & smear campaign tactics. I am No Contact with the oldest & Gray Rock w the younger one. Very painful. I am no longer subject to their verbal abuse & mean words, but it is a lonely life. I am hoping for a new "family" through a new church I attend now. 🤞 A family of older retired 'friends'.
@@jeanetteredden24 i am so sorry this has happened to you and is happening to so many of us who are in our elder years. This is when we need the support of our own children most. It is a grave injustice to be subjected to lies, lies and more lies. It is sickening. I hope our adult children will be shown the truth one day🙏
I was in your shoes my whole life...I was labeled as the "Problem Child" and was silent...until my parents passed away. I have no contact with my only brother because he is just like my narcissistic mother. You are not alone...it's heartbreaking to read stories like yours. If you don't mind, I would like to send you a viral hug🫂. I'm just so sorry your family doesn't see the real you.❤
@ana I don't believe you have to worry about your children accepting lies about you. Your children know you and how you have behaved with them. Don't think they'll be susceptible to character assassination.
The rampant manipulation and exploitation of another human being who is there FOR you...finding that truth and acceptance of that reality will start your journey to Healthy! Just know not spending another day as their supply is an option. Stay Healthy!
My husband of almost 47 years is very sick now and I take care of him the best that I can. He's an extreme narcissist. I don't really have clarity of mind anymore. He's been emotionally and mentally abusive. He used to shove me and throw trash at me but he's too sick to do that now. Looking back on my childhood I was always wanted to make people laugh and please them. I never pleased my mom. When I was little I stuttered a lot. She would laugh and tell me to say what I was going to say and my brother and sister would grin in agreeance with her. That would always make my stuttering worse. Several years ago I was in a car wreck and had head trauma. That changed my way of thinking and responding although I still wanted my husband's approval. Now I wonder if the tables have turned. It's like a line was crossed and I'm at a point of no return. I'm afraid that I'm a narcissist now or am I just finally taking up for myself? Your videos have helped me tremendously. You are greatly appreciated. God bless you!
@@Daysleeper1000 Thank you but I don't see it as suffering because I've chosen to stay in this situation. It was so subtle and before I knew it 46 years went by.
My heart went out to you when i read this and i to went through similar abuse as a child and growing up.....because our life span is truly a flash in the pan and it takes a lifetime to figure it all out and connect the dots because you are always wondering " whats wrong with me" ? Sometimes we have to take the time and be selfish that is NOT Narcissism ,we should self heal ❤ If you can arrive at a place where 'you' dont hurt anyone and you would never do to others what was done to you 'YOU' win !!! They didnt kill your love, strength, dignity, you dont become what they have been i say " we win ! Whoever has the most love wins" 🙏
It seems that the narcissists in my life sometimes create confusion because good people show them up for being the callous, manipulative people they are. Secondly, they want to destroy anothet person because their sadistic and seem to reel when someone else is joyful or happy. Pretty sick.
I've noticed with my mother she is drawn to people who have problems in their life, struggles or ill health. She comes alive and talks and talks about how awful it is. Overly helpful and showing concern, worry, pity and sympathy. It's like a he feeds off it.
I think narcissists need to confuse the person theyre abusing to hide what theyre really up to. I was accused as a child of 'imagining things' and being 'deluded'. The result was that i didnt know what to believe and it made me doubt my iwn thought
@@daphnejordana86 Thanks Daphne, I was beginning to think that I was a mental case or a difficult person. To some degree, the way my parents treated me has had a huge negative impact. As a Christian I firmly believe however that only God can judge my parents, not me. I went no contact several years ago as it made me feel full of dread each time they contacted me.
Feeling confused around a person is a huge red flag for me that I might be dealing with a toxic person. Thank you for your brillant advice and calming presence and assistance dr Carter ❤
Thank you, Dr. Carter. You have helped me so much. You give so many examples and you are a really good person. I've watched some other videos and they give bad advice. I will only watch your videos or the other channels I watch are people you have had as a guest on your channel. I hear a lot of stories about bad therapists, some have even taken advantage of their patients in such evil ways. I know Hannibal Lector is a fictional character, but he was a therapist too. It's sad how so many narcissists are in positions of authority and abuse that authority and trust. You are a very good man.
@SurvivingNarcissism thank you, Dr. Carter. You saved my life and others. God has always taken care of me, but I always had this anger inside of me, and you gave me the tools to control it.
At 26:02, the question about a narcissist's triggers, I thought about the first time AG and i watched a movie together at his house. We had been seeing each other for a couple of weeks maybe, & I think he was shifting gears; he'd been gathering information about me, & obviously understood my triggers better than i did. Now he was shifting into testing my triggers, & Planet of the Apes gave him a good opportunity. He made a comment about how he thinks war is a "gift from God" using one of the scenes as an example, & I flipped out. I calmed down enough to finish watching the movie with him, though I think I spent the night at my own house rather than with him, & the next day i told him maybe we shouldn't continue because our views are so different. He's a skillful debater, & easily talked me into sticking around, despite my awareness that I was allowing a precedent to be set. I dont think I "regret" that choice, or 5 years that we were together, because I learned a lot about myself and continue to learn through my association with Team Healthy. I do wish I had held my ground when I realized toxicity was his preferred MO. Shame & regret are anathema to my preferred state of being, & they're integral to his dealings with people. When he suggested we separate because he didn’t like the fact that I was making friends that weren't him, I saw that he wanted to manipulate me and chose my words carefully. "You're probably right" was not the response he wanted, & he couldn't really argue with it. I immediately felt the release of tension. Then I watched a video from Dr. C for the first time, & have been growing ever since!
The questions, with time stamps: 4:10 This person says "What causes these people to poke and provoke you until you lose your cool and explode over a situation that they create, and then back off and allow you to win, at least for that time?" 9:43 This person asked a question "What's the difference between regret and shame? I've been slipping back into self blame. I suffer a lot from rumination." 12:59 This question says "My dad has lots of issues with his side of the family and he refuses to talk with his siblings. I've recently reconnected to his sister, my aunt, and have found her to be a grounded, decent person. I feel strange because I can't talk with my dad about this. Would I be overstepping his boundaries if I let him know that I'm in touch with his sister?" 18:11 This person says "Is it narcissism when an individual appears to be very healthy and has very strong boundaries but has no empathy and could not care less about their actions or effects on you?" 23:08 Another question, "Why does the narcissist yell and accuse you for things that they have actually done to you? Mine screamed at me that I'm the crazy one, I'm bothering them, when I'm doing all that I can to avoid that person. It's more than just delusional. I ignore that person as much as possible, but I have a point where I can't allow a bully to bully me anymore without speaking up for myself." 25:52 This person says "How do you alert yourself to a narcissist's triggers or prompts? I'm trying to move beyond my history of insecurity and abuse in my recovery group. One of the things they teach is before you open your mouth, reflect. Are you responding to that person's opinion or are you giving them reflective feedback and acknowledgement instead of deflecting? 31:44 This person says "My wife can be nice at times and she's responsible in many ways, but when I say even the slightest thing that suggests that I disagree, she is Uber defensive and tells me to quit trying to control her. If I try to explain, she shuts me down and she's mean. I never met her father, he died before we married, but the whole family says he was a rageaholic. I feel like I'm paying for his sins. Is there anything I should do to settle her down when she gets his way?" 37:25 Another person asked the question "I started learning about narcissism and NPD about four years ago and I realized what I was dealing with after 42 years of marriage. I brought this up with my psychiatrist and he said 'They're not all bad. They do have some good characteristics.' Do narcissists have some good characteristics?" 41:09 This person asked "What should you do when someone has accused you for four years of things that you don't know about and you can't recall and you wouldn't do, as a person?
Both my husband and myself were raised in dysfunctional families with narc parents. Our parents are definitely NOT the only narcs in the family. You have to do a lot I mean a lot of work on yourself to even start to see dysfunctional, unhealthy behaviors in others because of how the narcs raised you to not see it and deem it as normal. So be very careful reaching out to family you don't know. NPD 60% genetic and 40% environment meaning raised by disordered people. The family is riddled. Our parents are great with first impressions. And actually can keep it up for years until the person triggers them and they get targeted. The family revolves around them. IMO unless a narc parent is severely disordered has other disorders they aren't the black sheep of the family. At least in our families the narcs center themselves in the family and it provides enormous supply and controlling the narrative, hiding poor behavior etc.
The genetic component is interesting because my family is riddled as well. I've seen dr ramini put more emphasis on environment and that's ture, I picked up fleas that fell away as I got older. Looking at my fam and then 3 gens there is a clear delineation between those who bullied and those who were bullied and became crippled mentally and then physically by the abuse.
My ex would sometimes say "fine, you win" to end a fight he started, it worked at first because I was just so happy to get a win, but after that when he'd say fine you win I'd say "it's not about winning or losing. It's about learning and evolving and respecting my right to have my own opinion." Then he'd fly off the handle which proved to me I struck a nerve. It always gave me power when I remained calm and collected and chose my words wisely when he went on a tyrade. He'd start a fight only to be all lovey dovey and act confused when I wouldn't reciprocate and I would have to nicely remind him he crossed a line and that I ONLY ever had one boundary and he continues to ignore it only to cry and ask me why I'm not talking to him and don't want to "make this work" again for the billionth time. Fun fact! 3 months after I ended it he wound up getting arrested for assault and domestic battery on his own disabled elderly father and is in jail for 6 months. If it wasn't his dad who got hit it would have been me. Stay safe out there team healthy!!!!
@@EmilyKresl OMG, so glad you escaped that toxic situation. The “fun fact” (and I love your dry humour) is extreme and what a terrible thing to do to his own, disabled father. I’m pretty sure my silly ex has also told me that I have won -the entire dialogue sounds all-too-familiar. So familiar, I think I have been through the same gas-lighting episode. I also believe a lot of other people have, now that I am learning more about this. You sound like a reasonable, good person and your response sounded mature. Reading your story, it’s as if you are the adult and he is a child. I am sorry that you have had to deal with this, including finding out he went to jail. I hope his father is ok. I think you are awesome and wish you the best!
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you Dr. C ... I am in the midst of a long goodbye process with my very passive aggressive vulnerable narc and we are here in Paris at the same time and I have managed NOT to meet with my ex despite the extreme baiting... I have got physically ill from the stress but I have stood my ground this time around. 5 years of abuse is enough! And thanks to your vids and support I find in them and in my therapist in Sweden, I think I can do this and heal and finally find my PEACE!
THANK you for these very clear directions to answer. All of the narcissists in my life have had (very selective) moments of being a good person. ESPECIALLY to outsiders. In fact, I've been told how wonderful they are. Were. Thankfully few are complete sociopaths. After years of your clear talks, I'm finally hearing THAT I DON'T HAVE TO GO ALONG with them. It's SO helpful to have specific words to say to them. Thank you so much!!!
Need it or not, their very good at confusing others. It almost seems like its fuel for their soul. Yuk 😮 yes i understand they may have experiences that may have brought them to that point but do they not make a choice? Unconscious behaviors? Maybe for some of them but not all. Peace to everyone. Ty Dr Carter.
First off, thank you Dr. C. Secondly, the title of your channel stands out to me today. “Surviving” is the truth! I just got ambushed and starting explaining too much, aka giving the playbook. 😂🙉 When we fall for the antics, we can simply begin being a part of Team Heslthy again. No biggie. Press on and move forward. 🕊️❤️
Dr.C I need to ask this please, 4 years ago ( in December) I finally walked west from my highly narcissistic mother, in doing so she gathered my three older siblings and they’re adult children to turn against me. Many many incidents have happened with her gaslighting through emails and texts so I finally blocked her. Sadly we lost our nephew in august to a tragic death. He’s my eldest sisters son. We were heart broken and reached out to the family including me calling my sister and g ignored and never called me back. They blocked and unwelcomed us to be involved in the family gatherings. We felt so terrible . My oldest son was close to him and they started doing everything desperately to get my son over on their side throughout this entire saga. It was plainly obvious to him what was going on and he that we were much better off without them. We never went to the funeral knowing what they were doing to us. So we had our own remembrance and small gathering in his memory. Since then, my mother recently sent me an email telling me I’m the most disgusting person she’s ever known, and that I never acknowledged his death!!!!!!!!! Also that she has DECLARED I’m no longer a member of HER family. , (although I thought I was already out) This was more than upsetting of course. She also cc’d the email to my entire family including my husband, who btwc was played throughout this saga as well . I knew it was wrong but i made it aware what happened to my friends on fb and the email was shared on FB …. With many comments on my family and how cruel they are. I don’t have any family or friends of them on my fb , but they ended up seeing it somehow.( of course) I know it’s wrong to comment or talk about personal family affairs but I was in such a state I even hoped that they would see it. I’ve since removed it, and will continue to be my normal self from now on, but a part of me feels ashamed. I know better. Two days ago I received an email from my niece who I haven’t heard from of course in almost 4 years, It’s was a VERY long email, quoting everything I bb said and how wrong I was and I’m a liar, and she said “STOP HURTING THE FAMILY “. And she was very belittling . ( this is my niece who is in her 20’s) Then ended it with saying I will never hear from her again. I never answered her in fact I never answer emails . I have since blocked everyone on email. Why am I feeling like this? I have been doing so well , I’ve left the toxic family and the death of Kevin in my heart was a situation much more important than the family, but I was blocked , was I wrong trying to reach out to them? And why am I feeling so terrible? I hope you read this , thanks Dr.C. , you are still my favourite Dr and a huge help in these last 4 years .💐
I had one that would tell me how much toilet paper I could use! For valentines day, I gave him 2 squares of toilet paper in the card & envelope. The card said " I know how important toilet paper is to you "😮😅❤❤❤❤
My narcissist father has no relationship skills. He was divorced 3 times and made enemies out of most of his friends. I foolishly tried to have a relationship with him, but I noticed all he wanted to do was start a fight with me. His 3rd wife married him when she was 20 years-old and he was 36 years-old with 2 divorces. His 3rd marriage lasted 20 years. I watched that marriage crumble for a year before he divorced her. I was 15 years-old when they divorced and I moved in with him because he was the less authoritarian parent. I started smoking weed when I was 17 years-old and almost failed high school because of his negligent parenting. My narcissist mother blamed me for moving in with him, but she told me to when they divorced.
I see that you're 101st Army Airborne. My husband was in the 1/327th division, 101 Army Airborne in Vietnam from 1965-67. Thank you for your service. My husband's dad was a narcissist and my husband is an extreme narcissist. After being married to him for a few years I realized that there was something very different about him. We were married about 8 years before our daughter was born. Anyway, it was all so subtle and here we are almost 47 years later and I have to admit that I just feel a little numb now. I hope you're doing well after what you've dealt with. Take care...
@@vanitamann7985 There are a lot of narcissists in the 101st Airborne. That's why I only stayed in for my first enlistment then went to college. I'd say most of my leaders were highly narcissistic. They tried to use their authority to crush me, but I stood up to them and got out with my honorable discharge. My narcissist father is a retired Navy Seabee who served in the US Navy from 1954 to 1974 and was in Vietnam. He basically wants people to worship him for his military service. I'm not like that because I don't seek to dominate other people. Sorry to hear you had such a bad experience with someone in the 101st Airborne because not all of us were like that, but a lot of them are narcs.
Thank you for your insights, your podcasts have been most helpful. I have been struggling with a covert narcissistic friend who has used the manipulative, passive aggressive discard with me. I would like some additional information as to how to charitably manage the fallout with my other friend who are being recruited with lies and manipulation toward me. She presents as a very caring and religious person to others. Thank you.
My health insurance was hacked and updated with another persons address to receive communications. Which of course is illegal and they weren't authorized. So yesterday they became the victim.
Thank you for differentiating between "regret" and "shame." I am usually taken aback when people say they have "no regrets." It reminds me of the candy bar commercial where the persons' tattoo artist misspells the word, and it says "no regerts." I'm sure the person regretted using that particular person to do their tattoo. Hmmmm.
Yeh I've met someone who had that tattoo as well, misspelled on purpose. I thought it was hilarious. "Mistakes were made yet still we do not regret them" is how I interpret it
I know people are all different, i know life and the people in it can have certain complexities. I get it. I've normally been very easy going and which i believe easy to get along with. My experience with a narcissist has been completely difficult and confusing. Every interaction with this person is like a here we go again moment. They are never direct, never satisfied never considerate never on time and it seems so deliberate. Its almost as if they wake up pissed that they are still alive. Its soo sad and exhausting to be around. They want you care about everything they care about as much as they care about it. They almost take it as a slight if you dont. I think in a narcissist head that if you dont argue with them it means you dont care about them. It also seems like they deem arguing is a form of healthy communication. Its fucking insane but i have a daughter to raise with this jerk soo thats where i put most of my focus and even then, this narc asshole sees me giving our daughter attention as taking away attention from her smhhhh. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Carol Northern Ireland. Daughter in Law very narcissistic trendies.uses silent treatment which leaves me frustrated and angry. As she uses my grandchildren now aged21and18 as weapons distancing them last punishment lasted 5 years Carol N.I.
I'm working my way through your Anger Games course. I am tempted to share the workbook with 'my' narcissist, who claims to now realize that he has narcissistic traits. Plausible, but I'm not convinced that I'm not being played on that. Is sharing the workbook with him likely to help him grow, or just provide him with data to better play me?
Do you think if your narc husband told you about an affair 2 yrs ago, he wanted you to divorce him? He acted like he collasped when I filed for a divorce. I ask him what did he think I would do and he said I knew you would be mad but. You know, forgive me and we would be ok.
they will tell you all kinds of things. it will change by the day, too. it does not matter what THEY want. the only thing that matters in this case is YOUR health and sanity!
Yes, they think they should be able to do whatever they want and you should just overlook it. All the lying, cheating, lack of emotional support, gaslighting, rage attacks, lack of responsibility, and general selfish jackassery shouldn't matter at all!
Dr Carter, in response to your answer to the person who reconnected to an Aunt, who was not in good standing with their dad (the brother to the Aunt). This person said they felt like they were keeping a secret from their dad by not letting him know that they reconnected. Your reply was, that person may want to go to the dad and just let him know that they talked to the Aunt, and she said hi. I think that's a perfectly acceptable thing to say, "if" the dad happens to find out about the connection. However, I respectfully disagree with the person just up and voluntarily bringing it up. Of course, that information is not going to be welcome news to the dad. Why bring it up. I'm a firm believer in applying, "on a need to know basis". Don't open that can of worms unless absolutely necessary. It falls under the category of being a peace maker. And sometimes our feelings betray us, when we have this underlying sense of unwarranted guilt. Talk to the Aunt as often as you want. It's none of the dad's concern. If he finds out, then so be it!
My daughter doesn't say "mom" to me, when we meet she doesn't hug me.When we hugged in the past she never let me kiss her. It's confusing especially when she hugs her friends in front of me and doesn't come up to me to do it.I don't know how to get rid of my confusion.
I'm in the uk and both of mine voted brexit after calling me a communist, dying they wouldn't speak to me if I didn't vote as they said, wouldn't listen to facts and truth and STILL won't and cep reality. Black and white thinking and pun hinge down is what narcs do so it's no surprise here in the uk or in the usa, that they vote far right. Our country is a mess because of these types. They just don't listen!
Thank you so much for this amazing video! Could you help me with something unrelated: I have a SafePal wallet with USDT, and I have the seed phrase. (behave today finger ski upon boy assault summer exhaust beauty stereo over). What's the best way to send them to Binance?
Thank you for your insights, your podcasts have been most helpful. I have been struggling with a covert narcissistic friend who has used the manipulative, passive aggressive discard with me. I would like some additional information as to how to charitably manage the fallout with my other friend who are being recruited with lies and manipulation toward me. She presents as a very caring and religious person to others. Thank you.
They need you confused so that you don't see who they really are.
They also need you confused, because it gives them control.
Deflecting?
The art of distraction.
Confusion is necessary to keep you believing in their chaos!
They need your confusion because... They need you to mirror THEM.
Then their inner craziness is out there & it’s a projection pig pen
Confusion to the enemy is an old war strategy.
I want to offer my perspective on the topic of adult children reconnecting with estranged relatives. I am 68. I have been invalidated and treated like an outcast by my mother and siblings my whole life. I blocked out most of my childhood trauma as an adult and have tried to forget the past and live peacefully with my relatives. But, the last 10 years have been hell on earth for me. No matter how hard I tried to fit in, I have been subjected to the narcissistic manipulation of my mother and siblings all over again. Their modus operandi has always been to label me difficult, isolate me from other family members by saying malicious gossip based on their own false narratives, and in doing so, silence me. That is where I find myself today. Totally isolated. My only support has been my adult children but because they interact with my biological family it is only a matter of time before they accept the lies. The lack of remorse within family bullying systems can only be addressed through distance. No one ever said reconnecting with malignant and dysfunctional people who feel they can get away with the level of character assassination I have been subjected to is required, necessary or desirable. Reopening old wounds in social family settings will be like opening Pandora's box.
@@mr.makedonija2627
Thank you! I wish you all the best... it's better to have a few reliable friends you can trust than to allow fake relatives to continually provoke conflict. All the best to you!
Yes I'm a single 74 y/o person. My sons are 41 & 43 -- they have bought into the extended family lies & smear campaign tactics. I am No Contact with the oldest & Gray Rock w the younger one. Very painful. I am no longer subject to their verbal abuse & mean words, but it is a lonely life. I am hoping for a new "family" through a new church I attend now. 🤞 A family of older retired 'friends'.
@@jeanetteredden24 i am so sorry this has happened to you and is happening to so many of us who are in our elder years. This is when we need the support of our own children most. It is a grave injustice to be subjected to lies, lies and more lies. It is sickening. I hope our adult children will be shown the truth one day🙏
I was in your shoes my whole life...I was labeled as the "Problem Child" and was silent...until my parents passed away. I have no contact with my only brother because he is just like my narcissistic mother.
You are not alone...it's heartbreaking to read stories like yours. If you don't mind, I would like to send you a viral hug🫂. I'm just so sorry your family doesn't see the real you.❤
@ana
I don't believe you have to worry about your children accepting lies about you. Your children know you and how you have behaved with them. Don't think they'll be susceptible to character assassination.
Wow! I’m allowed to make mistakes and that’s okay?? I needed to hear this!
You are, after all, human.
Me too!😅
The rampant manipulation and exploitation of another human being who is there FOR you...finding that truth and acceptance of that reality will start your journey to Healthy! Just know not spending another day as their supply is an option. Stay Healthy!
Stay strong 💪
You can tell Dr C loves what he does.
Glad it comes through!
My husband of almost 47 years is very sick now and I take care of him the best that I can. He's an extreme narcissist. I don't really have clarity of mind anymore. He's been emotionally and mentally abusive. He used to shove me and throw trash at me but he's too sick to do that now. Looking back on my childhood I was always wanted to make people laugh and please them. I never pleased my mom. When I was little I stuttered a lot. She would laugh and tell me to say what I was going to say and my brother and sister would grin in agreeance with her. That would always make my stuttering worse. Several years ago I was in a car wreck and had head trauma. That changed my way of thinking and responding although I still wanted my husband's approval. Now I wonder if the tables have turned. It's like a line was crossed and I'm at a point of no return. I'm afraid that I'm a narcissist now or am I just finally taking up for myself? Your videos have helped me tremendously. You are greatly appreciated. God bless you!
So very sorry for your suffering.
@@Daysleeper1000 Thank you but I don't see it as suffering because I've chosen to stay in this situation. It was so subtle and before I knew it 46 years went by.
My heart went out to you when i read this and i to went through similar abuse as a child and growing up.....because our life span is truly a flash in the pan and it takes a lifetime to figure it all out and connect the dots because you are always wondering " whats wrong with me" ? Sometimes we have to take the time and be selfish that is NOT Narcissism ,we should self heal ❤ If you can arrive at a place where 'you' dont hurt anyone and you would never do to others what was done to you 'YOU' win !!! They didnt kill your love, strength, dignity, you dont become what they have been i say " we win ! Whoever has the most love wins" 🙏
@@64cuspofchange thank you
It seems that the narcissists in my life sometimes create confusion because good people show them up for being the callous, manipulative people they are. Secondly, they want to destroy anothet person because their sadistic and seem to reel when someone else is joyful or happy. Pretty sick.
I've noticed with my mother she is drawn to people who have problems in their life, struggles or ill health. She comes alive and talks and talks about how awful it is. Overly helpful and showing concern, worry, pity and sympathy. It's like a he feeds off it.
I think narcissists need to confuse the person theyre abusing to hide what theyre really up to. I was accused as a child of 'imagining things' and being 'deluded'. The result was that i didnt know what to believe and it made me doubt my iwn thought
Yes it is a control tactic
@@daphnejordana86 Thanks Daphne, I was beginning to think that I was a mental case or a difficult person. To some degree, the way my parents treated me has had a huge negative impact. As a Christian I firmly believe however that only God can judge my parents, not me. I went no contact several years ago as it made me feel full of dread each time they contacted me.
That is gaslighting. It’s not lying to people or being mean to them, it’s making them systematically disbelieve reality is real.
Feeling confused around a person is a huge red flag for me that I might be dealing with a toxic person. Thank you for your brillant advice and calming presence and assistance dr Carter ❤
Team healthy here
So pleased!!
Support for team healthy!
Thank you, Dr. Carter. You have helped me so much. You give so many examples and you are a really good person. I've watched some other videos and they give bad advice. I will only watch your videos or the other channels I watch are people you have had as a guest on your channel. I hear a lot of stories about bad therapists, some have even taken advantage of their patients in such evil ways. I know Hannibal Lector is a fictional character, but he was a therapist too. It's sad how so many narcissists are in positions of authority and abuse that authority and trust. You are a very good man.
Such kind comments, Rob. I'm so pleased to be on the path with you. Thank you.
@SurvivingNarcissism thank you, Dr. Carter. You saved my life and others. God has always taken care of me, but I always had this anger inside of me, and you gave me the tools to control it.
At 26:02, the question about a narcissist's triggers, I thought about the first time AG and i watched a movie together at his house. We had been seeing each other for a couple of weeks maybe, & I think he was shifting gears; he'd been gathering information about me, & obviously understood my triggers better than i did. Now he was shifting into testing my triggers, & Planet of the Apes gave him a good opportunity. He made a comment about how he thinks war is a "gift from God" using one of the scenes as an example, & I flipped out. I calmed down enough to finish watching the movie with him, though I think I spent the night at my own house rather than with him, & the next day i told him maybe we shouldn't continue because our views are so different. He's a skillful debater, & easily talked me into sticking around, despite my awareness that I was allowing a precedent to be set. I dont think I "regret" that choice, or 5 years that we were together, because I learned a lot about myself and continue to learn through my association with Team Healthy. I do wish I had held my ground when I realized toxicity was his preferred MO. Shame & regret are anathema to my preferred state of being, & they're integral to his dealings with people. When he suggested we separate because he didn’t like the fact that I was making friends that weren't him, I saw that he wanted to manipulate me and chose my words carefully. "You're probably right" was not the response he wanted, & he couldn't really argue with it. I immediately felt the release of tension. Then I watched a video from Dr. C for the first time, & have been growing ever since!
The questions, with time stamps:
4:10 This person says "What causes these people to poke and provoke you until you lose your cool and explode over a situation that they create, and then back off and allow you to win, at least for that time?"
9:43 This person asked a question "What's the difference between regret and shame? I've been slipping back into self blame. I suffer a lot from rumination."
12:59 This question says "My dad has lots of issues with his side of the family and he refuses to talk with his siblings. I've recently reconnected to his sister, my aunt, and have found her to be a grounded, decent person. I feel strange because I can't talk with my dad about this. Would I be overstepping his boundaries if I let him know that I'm in touch with his sister?"
18:11 This person says "Is it narcissism when an individual appears to be very healthy and has very strong boundaries but has no empathy and could not care less about their actions or effects on you?"
23:08 Another question, "Why does the narcissist yell and accuse you for things that they have actually done to you? Mine screamed at me that I'm the crazy one, I'm bothering them, when I'm doing all that I can to avoid that person. It's more than just delusional. I ignore that person as much as possible, but I have a point where I can't allow a bully to bully me anymore without speaking up for myself."
25:52 This person says "How do you alert yourself to a narcissist's triggers or prompts? I'm trying to move beyond my history of insecurity and abuse in my recovery group. One of the things they teach is before you open your mouth, reflect. Are you responding to that person's opinion or are you giving them reflective feedback and acknowledgement instead of deflecting?
31:44 This person says "My wife can be nice at times and she's responsible in many ways, but when I say even the slightest thing that suggests that I disagree, she is Uber defensive and tells me to quit trying to control her. If I try to explain, she shuts me down and she's mean. I never met her father, he died before we married, but the whole family says he was a rageaholic. I feel like I'm paying for his sins. Is there anything I should do to settle her down when she gets his way?"
37:25 Another person asked the question "I started learning about narcissism and NPD about four years ago and I realized what I was dealing with after 42 years of marriage. I brought this up with my psychiatrist and he said 'They're not all bad. They do have some good characteristics.' Do narcissists have some good characteristics?"
41:09 This person asked "What should you do when someone has accused you for four years of things that you don't know about and you can't recall and you wouldn't do, as a person?
Click Train...you're the best!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism 🙂🙂
Both my husband and myself were raised in dysfunctional families with narc parents. Our parents are definitely NOT the only narcs in the family. You have to do a lot I mean a lot of work on yourself to even start to see dysfunctional, unhealthy behaviors in others because of how the narcs raised you to not see it and deem it as normal. So be very careful reaching out to family you don't know. NPD 60% genetic and 40% environment meaning raised by disordered people. The family is riddled. Our parents are great with first impressions. And actually can keep it up for years until the person triggers them and they get targeted. The family revolves around them. IMO unless a narc parent is severely disordered has other disorders they aren't the black sheep of the family. At least in our families the narcs center themselves in the family and it provides enormous supply and controlling the narrative, hiding poor behavior etc.
The genetic component is interesting because my family is riddled as well. I've seen dr ramini put more emphasis on environment and that's ture, I picked up fleas that fell away as I got older. Looking at my fam and then 3 gens there is a clear delineation between those who bullied and those who were bullied and became crippled mentally and then physically by the abuse.
My ex would sometimes say "fine, you win" to end a fight he started, it worked at first because I was just so happy to get a win, but after that when he'd say fine you win I'd say "it's not about winning or losing. It's about learning and evolving and respecting my right to have my own opinion." Then he'd fly off the handle which proved to me I struck a nerve. It always gave me power when I remained calm and collected and chose my words wisely when he went on a tyrade. He'd start a fight only to be all lovey dovey and act confused when I wouldn't reciprocate and I would have to nicely remind him he crossed a line and that I ONLY ever had one boundary and he continues to ignore it only to cry and ask me why I'm not talking to him and don't want to "make this work" again for the billionth time. Fun fact! 3 months after I ended it he wound up getting arrested for assault and domestic battery on his own disabled elderly father and is in jail for 6 months. If it wasn't his dad who got hit it would have been me. Stay safe out there team healthy!!!!
@@EmilyKresl OMG, so glad you escaped that toxic situation. The “fun fact” (and I love your dry humour) is extreme and what a terrible thing to do to his own, disabled father. I’m pretty sure my silly ex has also told me that I have won -the entire dialogue sounds all-too-familiar. So familiar, I think I have been through the same gas-lighting episode. I also believe a lot of other people have, now that I am learning more about this. You sound like a reasonable, good person and your response sounded mature. Reading your story, it’s as if you are the adult and he is a child. I am sorry that you have had to deal with this, including finding out he went to jail. I hope his father is ok. I think you are awesome and wish you the best!
Michigan here 😊
Hello Michigan from Colorado.
@@JKB-ji6xl Hello!
Visiting Paris from Sweden and needing to hear this on my holiday ❤
Very pleased for you!
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you Dr. C ... I am in the midst of a long goodbye process with my very passive aggressive vulnerable narc and we are here in Paris at the same time and I have managed NOT to meet with my ex despite the extreme baiting... I have got physically ill from the stress but I have stood my ground this time around. 5 years of abuse is enough! And thanks to your vids and support I find in them and in my therapist in Sweden, I think I can do this and heal and finally find my PEACE!
THANK you for these very clear directions to answer. All of the narcissists in my life have had (very selective) moments of being a good person. ESPECIALLY to outsiders. In fact, I've been told how wonderful they are. Were. Thankfully few are complete sociopaths.
After years of your clear talks, I'm finally hearing THAT I DON'T HAVE TO GO ALONG with them. It's SO helpful to have specific words to say to them.
Thank you so much!!!
Need it or not, their very good at confusing others. It almost seems like its fuel for their soul. Yuk 😮 yes i understand they may have experiences that may have brought them to that point but do they not make a choice? Unconscious behaviors? Maybe for some of them but not all. Peace to everyone. Ty Dr Carter.
First off, thank you Dr. C. Secondly, the title of your channel stands out to me today. “Surviving” is the truth! I just got ambushed and starting explaining too much, aka giving the playbook. 😂🙉 When we fall for the antics, we can simply begin being a part of Team Heslthy again. No biggie. Press on and move forward. 🕊️❤️
I'm so glad you're on board!
Stay strong 💪
December 2nd! 🎉🎉🎉🚚🕊❤️💕💃🏻🥂
@tbunnyshy1 Is this when you move out?
If so, I'm so pleased for you and your son?
🤗❤️🩹👏🏽✨️🌻🤞 🙏✌️☀️🎉💪🫂💖
Dr.C I need to ask this please,
4 years ago ( in December) I finally walked west from my highly narcissistic mother, in doing so she gathered my three older siblings and they’re adult children to turn against me.
Many many incidents have happened with her gaslighting through emails and texts so I finally blocked her.
Sadly we lost our nephew in august to a tragic death. He’s my eldest sisters son.
We were heart broken and reached out to the family including me calling my sister and g ignored and never called me back. They blocked and unwelcomed us to be involved in the family gatherings.
We felt so terrible . My oldest son was close to him and they started doing everything desperately to get my son over on their side throughout this entire saga.
It was plainly obvious to him what was going on and he that we were much better off without them.
We never went to the funeral knowing what they were doing to us. So we had our own remembrance and small gathering in his memory.
Since then, my mother recently sent me an email telling me I’m the most disgusting person she’s ever known, and that I never acknowledged his death!!!!!!!!! Also that she has DECLARED I’m no longer a member of HER family. , (although I thought I was already out)
This was more than upsetting of course. She also cc’d the email to my entire family including my husband, who btwc was played throughout this saga as well .
I knew it was wrong but i made it aware what happened to my friends on fb and the email was shared on FB …. With many comments on my family and how cruel they are.
I don’t have any family or friends of them on my fb , but they ended up seeing it somehow.( of course)
I know it’s wrong to comment or talk about personal family affairs but I was in such a state I even hoped that they would see it.
I’ve since removed it, and will continue to be my normal self from now on, but a part of me feels ashamed.
I know better.
Two days ago I received an email from my niece who I haven’t heard from of course in almost 4 years, It’s was a VERY long email, quoting everything I bb said and how wrong I was and I’m a liar, and she said “STOP HURTING THE FAMILY “. And she was very belittling .
( this is my niece who is in her 20’s)
Then ended it with saying I will never hear from her again.
I never answered her in fact I never answer emails . I have since blocked everyone on email.
Why am I feeling like this? I have been doing so well , I’ve left the toxic family and the death of Kevin in my heart was a situation much more important than the family, but I was blocked , was I wrong trying to reach out to them?
And why am I feeling so terrible?
I hope you read this , thanks Dr.C. , you are still my favourite Dr and a huge help in these last 4 years .💐
Hello from Vancouver,Canada❤
Glad to be with you in beautiful Vancouver.
Thanks again Dr. C!
Thank you Dr C. From Canada
YES to all the content of this video!, Dr. Carter...as per usual! Thank you for sharing your knowledge regarding this aspect of NA.
Glad it was helpful!
This is a wonderful talk, informative and practical! Thanks again Dr. C 😅
Glad it was helpful!
My narcissist is so deranged he tells me how much cheese I can buy!
Buy more 😇 tell him to get stuffed like a mozzarella stick.
I had one that would tell me how much toilet paper I could use! For valentines day, I gave him 2 squares of toilet paper in the card & envelope. The card said " I know how important toilet paper is to you "😮😅❤❤❤❤
My narcissist father has no relationship skills. He was divorced 3 times and made enemies out of most of his friends. I foolishly tried to have a relationship with him, but I noticed all he wanted to do was start a fight with me. His 3rd wife married him when she was 20 years-old and he was 36 years-old with 2 divorces. His 3rd marriage lasted 20 years. I watched that marriage crumble for a year before he divorced her. I was 15 years-old when they divorced and I moved in with him because he was the less authoritarian parent. I started smoking weed when I was 17 years-old and almost failed high school because of his negligent parenting. My narcissist mother blamed me for moving in with him, but she told me to when they divorced.
I see that you're 101st Army Airborne. My husband was in the 1/327th division, 101 Army Airborne in Vietnam from 1965-67. Thank you for your service. My husband's dad was a narcissist and my husband is an extreme narcissist. After being married to him for a few years I realized that there was something very different about him. We were married about 8 years before our daughter was born. Anyway, it was all so subtle and here we are almost 47 years later and I have to admit that I just feel a little numb now. I hope you're doing well after what you've dealt with. Take care...
@@vanitamann7985 There are a lot of narcissists in the 101st Airborne. That's why I only stayed in for my first enlistment then went to college. I'd say most of my leaders were highly narcissistic. They tried to use their authority to crush me, but I stood up to them and got out with my honorable discharge. My narcissist father is a retired Navy Seabee who served in the US Navy from 1954 to 1974 and was in Vietnam. He basically wants people to worship him for his military service. I'm not like that because I don't seek to dominate other people. Sorry to hear you had such a bad experience with someone in the 101st Airborne because not all of us were like that, but a lot of them are narcs.
Thank you for your insights, your podcasts have been most helpful. I have been struggling with a covert narcissistic friend who has used the manipulative, passive aggressive discard with me. I would like some additional information as to how to charitably manage the fallout with my other friend who are being recruited with lies and manipulation toward me. She presents as a very caring and religious person to others. Thank you.
My health insurance was hacked and updated with another persons address to receive communications. Which of course is illegal and they weren't authorized. So yesterday they became the victim.
He needed to keep me Off Balance, to hold on to his fake mask. Trying to keep his secrets a secret.
Thank you for differentiating between "regret" and "shame." I am usually taken aback when people say they have "no regrets." It reminds me of the candy bar commercial where the persons' tattoo artist misspells the word, and it says "no regerts." I'm sure the person regretted using that particular person to do their tattoo. Hmmmm.
Love it no regerts and they will say it is supposed to be spelled like that too. Lol or say you wouldnt get it... lol
Yeh I've met someone who had that tattoo as well, misspelled on purpose. I thought it was hilarious. "Mistakes were made yet still we do not regret them" is how I interpret it
Don’t forget us up in Canada, land of beavers, moose, caribou, open land and trees, many trees.
Duly noted!!!
Southeastern Idaho
I know people are all different, i know life and the people in it can have certain complexities. I get it. I've normally been very easy going and which i believe easy to get along with. My experience with a narcissist has been completely difficult and confusing. Every interaction with this person is like a here we go again moment. They are never direct, never satisfied never considerate never on time and it seems so deliberate. Its almost as if they wake up pissed that they are still alive. Its soo sad and exhausting to be around. They want you care about everything they care about as much as they care about it. They almost take it as a slight if you dont. I think in a narcissist head that if you dont argue with them it means you dont care about them. It also seems like they deem arguing is a form of healthy communication. Its fucking insane but i have a daughter to raise with this jerk soo thats where i put most of my focus and even then, this narc asshole sees me giving our daughter attention as taking away attention from her smhhhh. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Wondering about narcissism and the Dunning Krugar effect?
They need you to be confused so that they can go with their shity behaviour without being held accountable.
Holland😊
Strong boundaries with narcs= rigidity. Can only think from thier rigid point of view=black/white.
Carol Northern Ireland.
Daughter in Law very narcissistic trendies.uses silent treatment which leaves me frustrated and angry. As she uses my grandchildren now aged21and18 as weapons distancing them last punishment lasted 5 years Carol N.I.
I'm working my way through your Anger Games course. I am tempted to share the workbook with 'my' narcissist, who claims to now realize that he has narcissistic traits. Plausible, but I'm not convinced that I'm not being played on that. Is sharing the workbook with him likely to help him grow, or just provide him with data to better play me?
LOCKHART, FLORIDA
Do you think if your narc husband told you about an affair 2 yrs ago, he wanted you to divorce him? He acted like he collasped when I filed for a divorce. I ask him what did he think I would do and he said I knew you would be mad but. You know, forgive me and we would be ok.
He was 77
We were married 30 years.
they will tell you all kinds of things. it will change by the day, too. it does not matter what THEY want. the only thing that matters in this case is YOUR health and sanity!
Yes, they think they should be able to do whatever they want and you should just overlook it. All the lying, cheating, lack of emotional support, gaslighting, rage attacks, lack of responsibility, and general selfish jackassery shouldn't matter at all!
@@lindamarcola1324He is senile how did he cheat at 77?
What is a narcissist trying to convey when they stonewall? I realize it's a powerplay, but what message(s) are they trying to send?
They need our confusion to feel sane. But we don’t have to give them that power.
Dr Carter, in response to your answer to the person who reconnected to an Aunt, who was not in good standing with their dad (the brother to the Aunt). This person said they felt like they were keeping a secret from their dad by not letting him know that they reconnected. Your reply was, that person may want to go to the dad and just let him know that they talked to the Aunt, and she said hi. I think that's a perfectly acceptable thing to say, "if" the dad happens to find out about the connection. However, I respectfully disagree with the person just up and voluntarily bringing it up. Of course, that information is not going to be welcome news to the dad. Why bring it up. I'm a firm believer in applying, "on a need to know basis". Don't open that can of worms unless absolutely necessary. It falls under the category of being a peace maker. And sometimes our feelings betray us, when we have this underlying sense of unwarranted guilt. Talk to the Aunt as often as you want. It's none of the dad's concern. If he finds out, then so be it!
My daughter doesn't say "mom" to me, when we meet she doesn't hug me.When we hugged in the past she never let me kiss her. It's confusing especially when she hugs her friends in front of me and doesn't come up to me to do it.I don't know how to get rid of my confusion.
Do narcissists have heroes? People they look up to or try to emulate?
Mine is fascinated with Trump
Mine loves anything that is fake news and also obsessed with trump
I'm in the uk and both of mine voted brexit after calling me a communist, dying they wouldn't speak to me if I didn't vote as they said, wouldn't listen to facts and truth and STILL won't and cep reality. Black and white thinking and pun hinge down is what narcs do so it's no surprise here in the uk or in the usa, that they vote far right. Our country is a mess because of these types. They just don't listen!
Thank you so much for this amazing video! Could you help me with something unrelated: I have a SafePal wallet with USDT, and I have the seed phrase. (behave today finger ski upon boy assault summer exhaust beauty stereo over). What's the best way to send them to Binance?
Top comment from one I know what's wrong with you? It's like being in the twilight zone.
With them it's like the day that never comes until their partners are no longer eyes wide shut. 🫤🫤
Thank you for your insights, your podcasts have been most helpful. I have been struggling with a covert narcissistic friend who has used the manipulative, passive aggressive discard with me. I would like some additional information as to how to charitably manage the fallout with my other friend who are being recruited with lies and manipulation toward me. She presents as a very caring and religious person to others. Thank you.