Coming Out to My Family at 45 - Timm's Story - I Tried to Be Straight Ep: 13
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- Опубликовано: 29 сен 2024
- Timm suppressed his sexuality for years, got married and started a family. He finally came to terms with being gay at 45 years old and shares his story of navigating that with his family.
Timm, I’m Fredd. Similar story. Opening the door coming out fully at 48 and getting divorced. 2 adult kids and 6 grandkids. The trauma is the internal battle between faith and sexuality. It’s still hard.
Kick faith to the curb. Understand fully what the faith and belief words mean! It means without evidence. No evidence- Remember that. It's just all bs. Note that all believing is inconsistent. People belong to differing versions of. That informs one that none can be true. The Scientific method is the only way forward.
I’m a 66 year old Dutch Catholic. I never had the feeling God, Jesus was against me or the mere biological existence of homosexuality. I knew society was. Always wondered why others let themselves be so easily groomed without waking up in let’s say early adulthood. Especially coming from modern internet societies with all its positive masculine down to earth Gay visibility. I didn’t have that. Nor my now 26 year old Ethiopian Gay friend who lives in an extremely hostile environment but ‘woke up’ at the age of 18 telling himself: ‘There must be more like me, just do my school, wait and see’. Now he lives in Addis, has had 2 relations so far and has a circle of Gay friends and fwb’s.
Still extreme precautions but the apps work so friendships can be established. If caught, jail and ostracism. Terrible. As the whole of discriminatory Africa. So aren’t you a little bit to blame yourself ? I do wish you all the best. ❤🏳️🌈
@@louisdewit4429seems a little harsh to blame ourselves. For me I didn't choose the religion my parents have, the church I was effectively born into, the messages that I was not valid that were pounded in my head as I grew up. I do accept some of the blame, because there were several moments where I chose to accept the theology I was given, that caused me to internalize that hatred, and part of that was an underlying message that "hating yourself is normal" somehow.
self hatred is awful.
Dear Timm, your story is just extremely touching. You, your wife and children are made out of the best quality there is, beautiful people. There has been a lot of pain, struggles, uncertainty, you and that wonderful lady that you married to, one day will walk separate paths to keep growing, and yet, respecting and loving one another. May the light and love of God be with you all, at the end, He knows and understands everything and wants His children to be happy ❤. It is admirable the way you are finding your own self, and yet, loving and respecting your beloved family.
So excited for a new episode!!! Im an ace panromantic genderflux person and also a proud Christian so things like this keep my faith going knowing there are other Christian like me out there and that this is who good made me to be
Lmao at all those made up nonsensical sjw words…
65 and still struggling. 😢
Similar story here. Dad was a chaplain in the Navy - Southern Baptist no less. I grew. up in the 60’ and 70’s but I knew at a early age that I had same sex attractions. So I never married and never had kids. The struggle between faith and sexuality is real.
Church truly is the best training ground for learning how to hide one’s true self from a young age, and practicing living a lie into adulthood. The irony of a belief system that says, “The truth shall set you free,” while teaching you in every possible way to be anything but truthful is mind-boggling.
Thank you for sharing this part of your journey, Timm
My story is very similar to yours…church, family, coming out in my 40’s.
Sadly, I haven’t found a life partner to share the emotional experiences with and to help each other heal and grow into the whole person I desire to be…
I grew up Catholic too. But I also knew at a very young age there was something different about me as well. The first time I thought “why did I do that?” was on a vacation with my folks. It was just the 3 of us, never had siblings, I was 4 years old. It was a car trip to Atlantic City. At one point I was on the floor of the back seat. I was coloring and all of a sudden I picked up my GI Joe, took his tunic off, and started drawing chest hair on him with a brown crayon. When I was done, I thought “uh oh, what do i do now?”. I did my best hiding Joe most of the trip. When my folks were packing the car to go home, I took Joe to a trash can. I felt like a mobster dumping the body of his latest hit.
I was confused, but could never let my folks know. After a few years I began catechism classes after school. One afternoon the class were given envelopes with something for mom & dad. They were to fill it out and send it back next week. It was a quiz for parents and child to take. Parents asked different questions of their child, write them down and send back. It all seemed pretty harmless to me, that is until THE question was asked.
“When you grow up, what kind of family do you want?”. I thought “oh no”. I started being stubborn, avoiding the question. My mother asked me, “you must know what kid of family you’d like, where you’d like to live, how many children”. I answered that yes I knew, but I felt it might make her mad. “ Nothing could make me mad, there aren’t any wrong answers, it’s what you want”. No wrong answers huh? O.K.. “I want the kind of family like on the t.v. show “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father”. “I want to live in an apartment with a balcony, 1 son, and a maid”. My mother’s eyes bugged out, she needed a cigarette. “That’s nice, but where’s your wife?”. I answered “Oh her?, She’s dead, just like the show”. My mother went pale. She scribbled something on the quiz and we never spoke about it again, that is until many years later, one night when my folks had come home from their yacht club, my mom was feeling no pain. She picked a fight with me and in less than 30 seconds screamed at me “JOHN! ARE YOU GAY?”. I was shocked, but had the courage to calmly say, “I’m sorry mom, but I find that I’m attracted to other men”. Didn’t go too well. My folks gave me 30 minutes to pack what I wanted, leave my house and car keys (the car they gave me as a birthday gift), and get OUT!!!!. 30 minutes later I was dragging my luggage to a pay phone to call the man I’d been dating to give him the bad news.
The rest of my story plays out like a movie, but ending is somewhat beautiful. After lots of drama, I met a handsome guy at Tiffany. He tapped my shoulder to say hello and introduce himself. That was almost 34 years ago. I don’t have an apartment or a maid, and zero children, but in the last 34 years we’ve had 4 Yorkies. I’m thankful every day. The last several years have been a challenge, but we still have each other. I love him more than I ever thought I could. All of you kids out there, stay true to yourself, YOU are your best friend. I wish the best for everyone.
My father is gay and still hasn’t said those words to me at the age of 65. I am also gay and since he has this internalized homophobia it has affected me in my life as well. It’s always better to just be honest.
I’m 66. Came out at 21. Always knew i was ok but society was violently derogative agains us. Yes i was scared but hated to be anyone’s slave. I assume your dad took care of you meaning brought you up in a decent way. Now you need to understand how he grew up, much worse then what you went through trough, he never had any positive example, no internet and Gays don’t recognize each other on the street, so all you can do now is literally sit down with him and demand a conversation, not so much as father and son, which would automatically come with a patriarchal authority distance, but as 2 Gay men with discrimination issues which we all have resulting not only in fear but also in psychological damage and issues we take with us our whole lives and never go away, given we live in a homophobic world. Even in the most accepting circles we are looked upon as not ordinary so … looked upon. A hetero is not enduring any of this. How easy. And now imagine the life of the person who is your dad.
Good luck. ❤
That is surreal.
Great listen. Congratulations to Timm for getting to this point. It is never easy and coming out is not a one and done thing. I have been out since I was 16 (I'm 58 now) and I still have to deal with coming out with new people I meet on a regular basis. It gets easier for sure, but the internalized homophobia never completely goes away.
As to the haters who post on here, I am 100% comfortable with who I am before the eyes of God and my salvation is between me and God, not any one else.
I remember telling my mom I was gay. I just knew in my heart she didn't know, she did bcuz I was obviously a homosexual 😂
I tell her and when she says she knew I was like, How?!
She said "Honey, you arent exactly the star quarterback dating a cheerleader" 😂
I Love this. 💕
This breaks my heart. For the love of god we as people put the timms through this we put them in a corner were they can’t escape and it just destroys them. I understand some people don’t understand it but why how does it affect them. Just because someone chooses to sleep with someone that WHAT they don’t approve of. I might like the choice of your partner but I not going to make your life miserable over it. Move on people let the timms of this world live there live as they want and not the way you think they should. I hate to think what he went through and I hope that he now can find a way to get on with his life. Doing what others expect of you is not the way forward and I hope for people that think it’s just a phase now realise how situations like this can destroy many others lives. ❤
Loved this interview , Times story is very similar to mine. My only thing is that I'm 70 and grew up in a time that being gay could get you killed.
Don't laugh at the 70 yo, we seniors still love and desire. Timm , you will always be connected to your wife. After 30 years I am still best friends with my X.
@@BillBo-g1s I’m also in my 70’s so you’re not alone. And you’re right……we still love and desire and continue to learn and grow. I guess I’ll be doing that til I take my last breath.
OMG, I’ve stopped this video at the point when the daughter text “if you are, it’s ok”.. I had to stop because I literally broke out in tears .. which are rolling down my face as I type this.. I’m imagining how he felt reading her text..such a beautiful part of this story which I’m anxious to get back to❤❤❤😂
Same here. So special.
First of all, Timm is handsome and adorable, second more people need to hear these stories, so thank you for doing these shows and last, from religion to self accepting queer is a HUGE struggle that takes many years to unfold! It did for me anyway.
Timm, Like most comments here our stories are so alike. Thank you putting into words the feelings I’ve had that I never understood. The time frame we lived in was very different as I was getting divorced the year you were getting married.
Thank you for my current tears.
Can I say that these are so comforting to listen to. To hear other people that struggled through things I've gone through. I am reconnecting with God again after years of just drifting away. I always question myself and being able to be gay and Christian. But listening to this really encourages me. Prayed as a high school kid to make me straight. Dated girls because I refused to let myself come out of the closet. I told myself I can not tell anyone and I must be with a woman. I struggled and hid it all through high school and college, until I met my now husband.
But thank you for doing this podcast. It's been putting ease on my mind. God bless you guys and everyone here who is so accepting.
This is pretty much similar to my story. I grew up in a fundamentalist Baptist family, and also knew I was "different" at an early age. When I started figuring out that I was attracted to boys/men and not girls, I was scared. I convinced myself that I was going through a phase that all boys go through and that I just needed to "give it all to Jesus" to take care of. The problem was that Jesus wasn't taking "the gay" away from me. I am very shy and introverted, so it was easy for me to avoid dating girls. It was just chalked up to my shyness. Life went on like that for me until I was 32 years old. There just came a moment when it was either be honest with myself or bust. I literally fled 3000 from home in order to feel safe coming out. In retrospect, it was the best thing I've ever done.
People saying it's a phase are just admitting they are bisexual or have repressed homosexual feelings.
Different story here. I knew I was gay at 13 and came out a little at 18. Agonized over it for years and finally came out to everyone. The culture and religion do a number on all of us who differ from the norm. Be strong, be yourself and don't compromise. I am 70 now and happily married to my husband for 29 years. love to all.
I’m so moved by your story Timm and relate to you on so many levels. My story has many many similarities to yours. I’m much older than you now and still feel like I’m a work in progress and always will be but I’m grateful for the progress I’ve made which has been hard won and taken a lot of work along with some therapy and mental wellness pursuits. I wish you continued success in your journey and please know there’s at least one person out there (me) who gets you, respects you, and wants the very best for you and your family. You are brave and full of integrity and your story will help many other people find their way in their own way. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing.
I feel the same way, and I, too am older. In fact, I just forwarded this to my wife and kids to watch because it could be my story. I came out to them just a couple months ago, so we are infants in the process.
@@robertcarlson9069 I love that you seem to have the support of your wife and children as you navigate these brand new waters. I wish you nothing but happiness and amazing success. You deserve nothing less.
While I understand what you are saying about not being athletic, I think that is a stereotype that we should get away from. For me it feeds the thoughts that people have that are not right.
These churches cause so much pain in people's lives.
at 55:14 that really resonated with me, as well as everything else that was said! As someone that came out in their mid 20s, it definitely has felt like i'm a new adolescence of sorts. Being able to live my truth through what i wear, how i talk, and more has truly been a liberating process of self discovery. Unlearning my internalized homophobia and replacing it with affirmative language has been a nuanced journey for sure, I am grateful nonetheless for being on this path, i wouldnt trade nothing for my journey now. Thank you for sharing!
What a tough journey, Timm. Yet you're dealing with it so honestly. Bravo! I came out to my mother and sister in my mid-teens. My sister asked if I was attracted to her boyfriend. But my mother's comment was very interesting. She was afraid I've have a difficult time and I asked why. "Oh, it's tough enough for a man and a woman to get along. But two men who both want everything their way...?" I never told my father. I feared he'd just take it out on my mother. However, I brought my partner to visit who turned into my father's best friend, the son I never was to him.
WOW - I am living out this story right now! Thank you Timm for sharing your story. You voiced so many things that I have difficulty trying to explain to my wife and kids as we walk through this. I just wish that my kids would have been as understanding as yours. I have 6 (plus a son-in-law) and (so far) not one of them is affirming. :( but we will get through this. Thanks also for this podcast!
WOW - living this story right now! Thanks Timm for sharing your story. You voiced many things that I have difficulty trying to explain to my wife and kids as we walk through this together.
This is a great episode. Thanks, Timm for sharing what could easily be my story, except that I am 67, not a minister's son and I'm just coming out now. I told my wife and 4 grown kids a couple of months ago and I just shared this podcast with them and asked them to watch it because it could be me talking. I asked them to feel free to come to me with questions, concerns, fears, anger, etc. They have all been wonderful and I thank you for this great tool.Good luck as you continue on your journey.
Great video. I love sports and was good at them. I would not make the generalization that being gay means not being good at sports. I did not get bullied, fortunately, however, as a teacher at a rural school my contract was not renewed due to my being gay.
Been there where Timm is. 62 years old, and unfortunately I’m still married to this lovely woman, who I’m not in love with. She is a lovely friend as well. And we have an adopted daughter whose is now 14 years old.
She(wife) knows that I’m gay. And life isn’t easy, but it’s moving ahead along with God until our daughter evolves to a state of understanding.
Great podcast! Saw you come up in my algorithm, if you are looking for a guest, I would love the opportunity! I am a trans femme genderqueer spiritual drag artist and digital chaplain. I couldn't find how else to reach out to you, my apologies for placing it in the comments. Lmk, either way - keep up the great work. xoxo
I came out to my wife and 3 daughters at the age of 50. All my daughters are fine with it and my ex and I are now good friends . And all of them love my partner. I am a very lucky guy.
favorite episode so far
Please interview Dan Palmer, a former rugby athlete from Australia ❤
Great conversation, telling my kids was the scariest day. My wife and I called a family meeting and did it together in person, me crying my eyes out but amazing to have the support of my then wife. All 3 were in there 20’s not living T home so missed all the signals but they were amazing and more concerned that we were all going to be OK and that they really supported both of us.
Even my granddaughter was like ok NP ❤.
We need an "I Tried To Be Gay" channel just to get the perspective of the other side trying to be something that is against who they are.
Excellent comment, sexuality definitely not a choice. I knew age 11, my life wasn’t going to be easy. I hid too many years, and recommend finding someone early for companionship and intimacy in old age. Grateful at the end of whatever this is and was. Impressed by those who come out when young, and refuse BS.
I feel so bad for his wife 😢
me too. women are often the losers in mixed orientation relationships. there are often signs that something is amiss. women need to trust their instincts, prioritize their happiness and feelings. being with a lgbt man never works out.
Timm is gorgeous. ❤ be true to ourselves. 🏳️🌈
Similar story. I appreciate you sharing this. Thank you.
What an incredible story.
Great video! I was always a late bloomer but not coming out. I’m older but also grew up in the church. I was fortunate that my best friend was gay and the minister’s youngest son. We both had the same mindset, trying to be straight in high school. It helped that we both excelled in sports but we never spoke about being gay until college. It’s never easy to come out and everyone has a different circumstance. One doesn’t make it better or easier. It all depends on your environment.
Wow this one hit home. Relate on so many levels
Very touching story
Awesome episode!! Thanks fro sharing Timm.
Nate and Susie, I'm really enjoying all the podcasts so far, hope you guys keep on going. Susie asks such good questions!
The friendship with his wife was not a lie. To pretend to her and everyone else that it was a relationship was a lie. She figured it out tho.
❤😊
Timm, I am going through this as well at 46. Married with children and a divorce pending. I’ve googled groups, but I haven’t had much luck. I had a therapist, but it felt more like a friend at a very expensive cost. I’ve told a few people, but not all. I’ve crave a group setting to talk to. I live in a large metropolitan area, I still haven’t found a group. Do you guys have any resources or recommendations for one to pursue. Thank you for the great story/interview.
Wow! Glad he came forward. I married 2 homosexual men (yup we had children) who let me go in being super distant. But I know 6 men who married hetero ladies and had children but finally left to be own self. All had children too but life is full ups and down ., As you live you do best thing for you. Timm glad you are in a better place.
Amazing interview with Timm! I'm definitely impacted by his story and life. I'm asking if you could bring on Matthias Roberts to discuss Shame within sexuality? His book, "Beyond Shame" & "Holy Runaways" is very helpful for christians who have come out as LGBT! Thank you for starting this podcast Nate & Susie!
Recently started watching you guys, and can’t believe how much of myself I hear with in your experiences. Thank you for sharing ❤
I just don’t get how a person could marry a women, sleep with her and have kids but then be gay? I’m not judging. I’m a gay man and have never looked at woman way and have never had sex with a woman. I don’t get that.
Blessings brother, Great episode!
Very impressive and eye opening.
sexuality is not a struggle at all.
If you’re straight it’s not.
Ok
John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life
Romans 1:26-27
Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.
🌈🤍