395: Ask David: More on Insomnia; Porn Addiction Guilt; Help with Rage

Ask David, Rhonda and Matt More on Insomnia; Porn Addiction Guilt; Rage Questions for today James asks for help with insomnia. Arjun Asks: How can I stop blaming myself for my porn addiction as a teen? Stephan asks: How do you treat feelings of rage? And what if you are simply very angry, but you don’t have any thoughts?
James asks for help with insomnia, Hi Dr. Burns,
I enjoy your newsletter and have experienced moments of clarity with your book. However, my current struggle is that I have developed terrible sleep anxiety. I feel nervous tension in my stomach and trembling limbs as nighttime approaches. Some nights I can put these feelings aside and dose off and others I just cannot stop dwelling on the negative body sensations and it does not allow me to sleep. I wonder if you can offer some advice on how to get over this fear and accompanying sensations.
Best,
James
David’s reply
Thanks, James. Sorry you’re struggling with trouble sleeping.
Yes, a Daily Mood Log can help, to find out what you are telling yourself that makes you so anxious about not sleeping.
Also, the Hidden Emotion Technique may be important to find out if there’s a problem in your life that’s bugging you.
There are also the typical sleep hygiene tips that can be useful for some folks, too! You can find these with an internet search.
Can I use this as an Ask David question for a podcast, with your first name or a fake name?
Best, david

Arjun Asks: How can I stop blaming myself for my porn addiction as a teen? Hi Rhonda,
I Really appreciate the work that you guys do and I listen to most of the feeling good podcasts. I'm 27 and have struggled with depression and anxiety since my teens. I'm currently in therapy with a TEAM certified professional from India, but I'm still grappling with feelings of being stuck in my past.
During my pre-teen years, I battled a porn addiction for about a year, which has left me with ongoing feelings of anxiety, guilt, and depression. Despite trying various therapies, I haven't found relief.
I keep fixating on the thought: "I shouldn't have indulged in porn addiction in the past. It's led me to develop anxiety and depression."
How do I debunk this thought, reduce its hold on me, and cope with the regret it brings? It feels like I'm trapped in my past. and constantly blaming myself for that one mistake. because that indulgence in porn really did change my life. I wasn't the same as before. and never could go back to being who I was.
How do I put the lie to this thought? Any methods you'd recommend putting in the recovery circle?
Your insights would be invaluable in helping me move forward.
Thank you,
Arjun
David’s reply: The key concept is that the problem is perfectionism, plus the beating up on yourself in the here and now, and not the behavior or misbehavior in your past. In the live podcast, we can discuss the importance of T = Testing (with DML), E = Empathy and A = Assessment of Resistance, and M = Methods, like explain the distortions, Perfectionism / Self-Blame CBA, D. Standard, EOR, EOV, etc. etc.
The issue, as I see it, is that you are looking for a technique to help you accept yourself, but in reality, it is a decision for you to make. The choice is to accept yourself with compassion or continue to beat up on yourself.
There are many really GOOD reasons to beat up on yourself, and we can perhaps outline some on the podcast. You would then have to explain why you’d really want to accept yourself, given all the good reasons to keep beating up on yourself, and given all the positive things your self-criticisms show about you.
Also, I will try to remember to tell one of my favorite Buddhist stories that relates to this problem.

Stephan asks: How do treat feelings of rage? And what if you are simply very angry, but you don’t have any thoughts? Hello Mr. Burns, I hope this email finds you in good spirits.
I’ve just begun your book “Feeling Good” and I have just reached the point where you begin to speak about cognitive distortions and how to get over your thinking. I’ve been doing your exercise on the days that my thoughts are heavily saturated in my mind and I’ve realized something within doing this exercise.
A lot of my thoughts do focus on the cognitive distortions that you’ve outlined in your book, but the other 75% of my thoughts focus on pure trauma of past situations and experiences that channels pure hate, anger and rage that pours out of my thoughts about the past situations. For example, one situation was someone purely scamming and taking advantage of me for years. And while doing your exercise, my hate and rage for that situation really comes out to where I wrote down “F*** that stupid a** b***** I hope she continues through her life being scammed as the fraud she is”.
A lot of my thoughts surround things like this...