Adopting through foster care? Don’t make this big mistake!
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- Опубликовано: 15 июн 2022
- Schedule an adoption consultation with me! www.adoptinformed.com/consult...
Adopting from foster care can be really confusing! There are so many decisions to make during the homestudy process. Please DO NOT make this big adoption mistake when filling out your child characteristic checklist.
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-Katie
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When you give birth to a child and the child develops severe disabilities - you talked about rolling with the punches. That's because you roll with the punches as the punches come - 1 at a time (even if it sits you back on your heels or knocks you out for a few minutes). When you take on a child with a few years of trauma under the belt along with the disability - you've got 3-4-5- 10 years of trauma/developmental punches coming at one in one fell swoop.
THANK YOU! There have been several viral posts of children needing homes and the comments say “oh I would take him.” And as a foster parent my thought is, you have no idea what that would entail. And how much trauma is involved. Additionally, I am a foster parent and we fostered infants and toddlers. We were asked to adopt a couple of times. I always knew the answer was no and those kids found perfect homes in very cool ways. That said, a baby came into my life who I knew immediately was mine. She’s almost 3 now and has been officially ours for about a year.
Knowing yourself, your limitations and capacity is what i believe should be your starting point.
We can't be everything for everyone.
As a foster carer, the first time I said 'no' to a child was gut-wrenching, however i knew that due to our family dynamics, it wouldn't have been the best place for that little person.
Well said, well done! My wife and I strongly felt that we were best-suited to adopt one and only one child. There are many reasons for this...and at the end of the day, after adopting our little lady, we are certain we made the right decision. There is a lot of pressure in the foster/adoption community to adopt sibling sets and I get it. But knowing ourselves and what we could offer is helping us be the best parents we can be to our child (who doesn't have bio siblings). No regrets.
looking into domestic foster to adopt and am so happy I saw this video. I don't identify as having the hero or survivor complex but I am happy that me having my reservations on the type of child I believe can sync with my family mentality and financially doesn't make me a bad person.
Thank you for this video. My husband and I met with a therapist colleague of his that works frequently with DFACs over what our steps should be and when this came up I really did feel guilty admitting that kids with extreme mobility issues (the kids bedrooms are both on the second floor) and kids with a lot of medical needs (like machinery needs) would have to be a pass. While we do want to make the house more accessible, that is more a far future goal and I am not confident in my own abilities to become proficient with a technology that someone's life may literally depend on. We're both open to a lot, but even admitting our limitations felt made me feel guilty despite my desire to be able to provide a good home for any child we do adopt.
This video came at the perfect time! My husband and I are going over the checklist paperwork before a consultation appointment next Tuesday. We are discussing everything and wanting to make sure we are on the same page. But this video definitely helped me understand just how honest we should be ♥️
Thank you for the “permission” to lay out what we feel equip to and not equip to handle when trying to get placed. Love your perspective and reality check!
We have a disabled biological child and have had to “roll with the punches” as you say. Even when it’s” your own” child it’s extremmmmmy trying. But, we know we can handle more children with similar disabilities. That being said I know there are other things that would be things I am not willing to try and handle.
I have so much respect for parents of special needs kids! I can only imagine how flexible you need to be in that type of situation. It’s cool that your experience has helped you know what you can’t and CAN handle! 😊
This is incredibly helpful as a foster parent. We’re currently fostering a little one after feeling a bit pressured to say yes because we had set a lot of limits. We’re extremely fortunate that for the most part we haven’t had more than we can handle, but are definitely a little frustrated by the situation in general.
I appreciate this video. I wish we could adopt through foster care but I had to admit after starting the process that the process itself was too hard for me. We ended up cancelling the process but I still pray for the kids we were interested in adopting on the heart gallery. I wish the process would be easier so more people could adopt who actually want to without being discouraged. I think the process is hard on everyone involved.
I’m sorry to hear that! It can be really overwhelming. That’s exactly why I offer adoption consultations because I have been able to connect families with resources that make it easier for them to adopt. What were the hardest parts for you? I could make some videos to hopefully cover some of those topics!
@@adoptinformed I think the hardest part is the home study. Medical physicals...not sure if "obesity" has been a deal breaker for some[but this makes me want to hit the peloton more before starting the process].
It's probably more intrusive than anything that I have dealt with, shy of the NSA. lol We have a special needs child and wanted to adopt a little boy slightly younger than him. so there are things we do in our home that may seem unconventional but are for the safety of our bio child that likes to elope. Just seems like a lot of pressure; understandably so, but I can see how this may seem very daunting to many people.
Maybe you covered this already bt do you cover just wanting to do foster care adoption? Can agencies "hold" a child? Saw a child and just felt an instant connection but was wondering how case wrokers factor if there is a family that super interested in a child.
I love that you made this video. Also, my husband and I live in Flordia and we were told that it's nearly impossible to straight out adopt a toddler through the foster system, but yet I see that you are a mom of a toddler, I've heard from others that they adopted toddlers from the foster system, so I don't know if we're being lied to or what is going on.... Because the agency said it can take years and it's rare and that kinda almost made me feel like my dream to have a 2,3, 4 year old son or daughter is impossible. My husband and I cant afford to go through the traditional adoption public let alone private agency to adopt. The only way we can actually be parents is to adopt from foster care.
It’s not impossible, but it is somewhat rare. Agencies don’t want to get your hopes up that it would happen and then have you be upset it’s taking so long. I would ask if they would be willing to work with you if you were okay with waiting until you found the right match. You could possibly do respite care in the meantime (helping watch foster kids for a short period of time).
I also live in florida. And I have a home study too through my county and currently looking at children to adopt for about a year. I think the biggest flaws is this
social workers don't work together. Each county is on their own.
There is no support after you get your homestudy. I haven't heard from the social worker who supposed to assist me to find a child to adopt. Even when I messaged her I never got a response. The only person who ever responded is the social worker who worked on my homestudy but she couldn't help me due to her role in the agency.
They never update their website, if they do, it's not often. They make it extremely hard to contact too. And they will say you're being considered for a the child you inquire then ghost you. I was 'considered' as a potential family for three kids. They finally informed me after 7 months that I am no longer being considered and that's only after I've been e.ailing them to get a response.
They are overloaded with cases. This is why I'm very collected when I speak to them because even when I'm mad I try to understand them but you do run into social workers that lost their pride in their work because they have so much cases at once and can't help you let alone the actual children.
Adopting toddlers are rare. One thing my social workers told me from the beginning is do foster to adopt if you want a child under 8. I said no because that isn't the goal of foster care. I made that clear.
Agency pushes teenagers and children with severe disabilities if your home study states you have experience. I own my business in the medical field and specialize in care for severely disabled children. They used that against me and tried very hard to corner me by showing me children who were severely disabled even though I said no due to my work and knowing exactly that I couldn't handle that 24/7 for the rest of my life because it is a life long comittment.
I feel very... disappointed in the system. I try not to. And sometimes I do debate whether I want to continue not because of the children but because they make it harder than it needs to be. I am able to have bio children, but after my son we always said we wanted to adopt but we never wanted a baby. We want from age of 4 to 10 max. And we lean more towards 10year olds. We are no considering out of state adoptions due to our experience.
Sorry for the long reply. I wanted to give you my first hand experience and I hope it helps anyone understand that adopting through foster care is definitely not a walk in the park.
Straight adopt…yes. Foster toddlers and one happens to turn into an adoption…yes! So I’m not in Florida, but I’ve been a licensed foster parent in Idaho and Colorado. In Idaho I was asked if I would be interested in adopting a 1 year old and 2 year old. Both has mild to moderate special needs and TPR was scheduled because they had been in care for over a year. Due to my life circumstances, I said no. In Colorado I am now being asked if I want to adopt my 4 year old foster son. He has fetal alcohol spectrum disorder and was originally a short-term placement. So much depends on chance. A referral was just sent out for anyone in my area able/willing to take 5 kids under 5. There is such need for older children, special needs children and sibling groups.
Such a good perspective. We are considering adoption in the future, and I really appreciate this advice.
Thank you for great advice !
Knowing limitations is important for the children you care for.
It’s incredible how many opinionated people there are, wanting to jump in with savior comments.
If you accept a child and then aren’t able to care for them, it causes trauma for everyone involved. Kids coming from trauma often have challenging behaviors. I have been a mom for 30 years, 5+ of those being a foster mom and I know I can’t accept just any child.
Yes!!! I completely agree. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Yeah agreed. We needed to turn away a few kids in out search because they needed a lot of work and care that we, as working parents, would not be able to provide.
We had to do the same.
We said no to a couple of potential matches as well. It is so hard to say no sometimes, but I knew we weren't the right parents for them.
I have a bio son with severe intellectual disabilities. I would never adopt another child with that level of support need because I would not be able to provide adequate care to all myself or other children with the care demand. I think a lot of people struggle to conceptualize how significant support needs impact the entire family.
I would love to be able to take them all on, but I am only one person.
This helped me see why my decision was/ is not so cut and dry.
Im a great canidate for special needs kids i grew up with special needs and kids with em my family all have physical and mental illnesses i was also in the foster care system. I prefer nuerological illnesses since im a nuerologist
Thank you for your honest video- I been putting my application on hold because it can really be overwhelming 😅
It definitely can be! I’m glad the video was helpful 😊
Thanks to be honest 😢
No perfect parents and no perfect children. It's good to be aware and honest about limitations.
Absolutely! I couldn't agree more.
Hey Katie, glad I found your channel. We are at the very beginning of the adoption journey. Any chance you could do a collab with someone who has adopted teens or who adopted older kids than their bio kids?
Currently in process. Would love someone with more experience to give advice
I would love to do that! I will just have to think of someone who fits that description, because I don’t know many people in my personal life who have done that.
Thank you for this! I’ve struggled back and forth with that mindset because if I had a disabled child I would roll with it but I have set limitations for an adopted child and I felt guilty about that.
I completely understand! No need for guilt :)
The pressure is insane from the adoption agencies to have open preferences. You as an adoptive parent can say no! Don’t feel guilted into anything,at the end of the day you are the one parenting the child.
I felt like foster care was pushing us into this decision. My wife was more all for it at the time. Now she’s had enough & has been on FMLA for months due to the suicidal tendencies of our 19 year old. Our 19 year old has been in the hospital 6 +times already for cutting herself! They released her only after a week. They didn’t even help her through her issues. A week isn’t long enough. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help to change. They love to couch surf for the last 7 years. Our oldest lost his apartment because he wasn’t paying his bills& our adopted adult children won’t pay their court fees they acquired as adults. We’re not paying for their mistakes anymore!
Wow, I’m so sorry :( that is so difficult! I can’t imagine the stress of that situation with your 19 year old.
Thank you for this video! My partner and I are going to our first consultation with the ageny next week. I was wondering if you had a link to that form? I am interested in my partner and I filling the form out SEPARATELY (as a practice), and then sharing our answers with each other before the consulation, just so that we have an idea where we both stand.
Different states have different lists, but here is the link to the Ohio one we used! :) I think it's so smart to fill it out separately so that you can see where the other person truly stands without influence! www.sojournerscare.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/Child-Characteristics-Checklist-for-Foster-Care-and-Adoption.pdf
@@adoptinformed thank you so much! I've been watching your videos and they have been incredibly helpful.
your wallpaper behind you is iconic at this point
😂😂😂 I love it! I actually filmed tomorrows video in a different room to switch it up lol!
Firstly thank you for this video.
Any advice on adopting an older child and feellike the bonding experience will be tougher versus a toddler or infant adoption ?
I will include this in my Q&A next week! I also have a video from pretty recently about attachment with adopted kids which might help :)
@@adoptinformed Thank you for this. I will be looking forward to it! 😌
What do I need to know before foster children? I would really love to read books about psychology.
I would definitely read "The Connected Child!" Also, I recommend the book "Telling the Truth to your Adopted or Foster Children." Others I have heard are good but have not read yet are "The Body Keeps the Score" and "Primal Wound."
Can someone with history of Domestic Violence adopt in California?
If they were the victim of domestic violence they should be okay, but if they were the perpetrator they should not be allowed to adopt.
Our adoption of 2 children was a huge mistake for our family! They are now 20 & 19, can’t hold down jobs, dropped out of high school, and have had numerous court dates for theft and other crimes, along with drug abuse. They’ve refused counseling & therapy of every kind. What a nightmare it’s been the last 7 years!! The nightmare continues even after they’re 18 years old!
Were they still in touch with the bio family? During the adoption process
@@Lovewins79 yes. They wer 3& 4 years old at the time. We had a closed adoption. They both had contact with their natural mom after they were 18 by their own choice
What are some helpful things to tell a person adopting a family member child what would you change
Well if I was an adopted child and my adoptive parents were going around saying that bringing me into their home was a mistake I would be very hurt and it sounds like you don't even love them anymore. How cruel.
@@nataliekubus1041 they were cruel to us for several years. If we did not care we would not have spent well over $30k for therapy, residential treatment for one of them. We do love them. It’s just they refuse to stop fighting with us, & were so verbally & physically abusive towards us. My wife nearly lost her vision in on eye because he blew up at her about not having his phone for a couple of days. We have to love them from a distance at this time. Not everyone has the same situation when adopting children. This was the first time that I expressed my sadness online. I guess this wasn’t something I should have done by sharing our immense difficult situation here on this video. Maybe this is why people dealing with similar situations as us feel isolated & outcasted from everyone. We’ve had too many friends leave us because of the amount of times the police have come to our home on account of our rebellious young adult’s behavior. Too many people were gossiping about our family during that time, and were blaming us for their personal choices that we tried for several years to teach them a better way than they were choosing, but they decided to completely ignore anyone’s advice, including their councilors & therapists advice. Some of these councilors decided to not come by anymore because of how they were treated by our kids. They were diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder, oppositional defiance disorder, borderline personality disorder, & bipolar disorder. This wasn’t something we taught them to be. If residential treatment centers, proctor care, or any therapists couldn’t help them, then be my guest if anyone has the resources to help people with similar issues as our adopted youth!People won’t change until they hit rock bottom & want to change by their own choice.
Can you give a written synopsis? 16 mins is too long for me.
Sorry, I do not have a synopsis. Maybe you should look for a blog to read instead? Or put the video on 2x speed? 😅