I keep praying that even though this marriage is not good I can still accomplish what God has for me. Despite my circumstances. I don’t want to feel like I’ve wasted more time on people that don’t care and don’t love me than I need too. Pouring my life endlessly into someone and something that I have no control over. Into people who don’t appreciate me in a Godly way. Meaning how God made me and the gifts that have been given to me. There’s a better way of living. I keep telling myself that there is 8 billion people in the world. This is just one person. It just puts me at ease idk why but it does. Makes me feel like I don’t have to shorten myself to one persons inability to love me or see me.
This advice is so spot on especially in my culture where women are mistreated by husbands but they have no option of leaving. Thank you for this. Love from a Kenyan in Norway
Leslie is the best I’ve ever heard I feel like she is speaking my truth and my reality. She has really brought it home for me as I reflect on my own healing journey!
I think I've gotten to a pretty good level of detachment over the last two years of our 18 year marriage, and we are polite and friendly. (He's not a narcissist, he has autism) You have been so helpful for me to move through grief and to somewhat acceptance without too much resentment. (The grief isn't gone, but it's not overwhelming anymore) Thank you for that. However, new question: how do I deal with social life? People like to invite a family together, and it's weird for them to invite only me and the children, nor do they see that we are not a unit because we look like we're together, and often I'm asked to explain his thoughts on a matter, or he's asked about my opinions, but it's not something that either of us know! I have been saying, "I don't know what he thinks, he doesn't talk to me", but that sounds so bitter and petty. I have many friends and I will often get together with the moms and children, or a bunch of women together, which is great and I like it. However, things like family gatherings and being invited by friends for a meal, or vacations... it's so awkward and I don't quite know how much to disclose. Like, do I insist on separate beds like we do at home? We can share without conflict, but I find it exhausting. If I tell people the true situation, it feels disloyal and kind of like I'm showing poor character. But if I don't, there's a wall between myself and my support people, which hurts because I don't want to have to avoid Level 1 with them, and I'm so tired of avoiding intimacy.
i'm in your exact situation. I wish we could connect. My husband has not been diagnosed with autism. How do I do that? All his children and I also think this is the problem over narcassism.
@@amyfullmer5047 it's not a great situation, eh? My husband has not been formally diagnosed, but about two years after I started to think that's what was going on with him, I finally found a good time to suggest it. (He was upset because "how do I manage to offend people without meaning to?") And because this incident had nothing to do with me, it was non threatening for me to suggest "maybe you have a touch of Asperger's" and he was vaguely interested, took an online test, and agreed that it all sounded familiar. Then he put it completely out of his mind, which was disappointing for me. About a year after that, he came up to me one day "I think I might be autistic" and I agreed that yes, that has crossed my mind as well. And he's been learning about that, and trying to figure out feelings and how to regulate his emotions, and he's having a very interesting time with that. I immediately tried to jump to "so how can we communicate better now that we have this information?" But he's not interested in that, he wants to focus on learning about himself before thinking about solutions.
I love that you ended extolling the goodness of Jesus sacrificing himself to accomplish what we could never do for ourselves ❤ God's blessings to you, Leslie and team!
This all sounds good but the only problem is most men would expect sex in marriage. They’re not usually content to live in a detached way because usually a woman cannot have intercourse if she is detached. This also drives a man often times to pornography and other avenues to meet their needs. I tried to do this but I was blamed constantly for not being available for sex. I was also told that it was my fault that he had to look at pornography because I was not willing to have sex with him because our relationship was not intimate
To answer the title question: Why would you want to live with someone indifferent to your feelings? You can, probably, but you might have to adjust your expectations of humanity or reality. But you might not want to.
many people especially women in non-western communities have no option of leaving, so this post was spot on for them. I will surely use this advice on many of my female relatives and friends in kenya
No one wants to live in this type of situation but ever situation is unique to the individual. We can’t judge someone else’s decision. We can only sympathize and support her.
If there are children, you won't want them to stay with someone who is indifferent (or just doesn't notice) to feelings without the buffer of your presence. That's a very strong incentive, and I think if you can do it, it's worthwhile. It's so bad for children to be invalidated by a parent, and often if I point out what he should do to connect with them, he will do it. He's not cruel, he's just self-focused and forgets to pay attention to other people. We spend most of the time in 5 (superficial chit chat) and 4 (facts/news/handshake) and very occasionally 3 (thoughts/ideas/hug) level. It's emotionally safer for me to stay way up high just like he prefers. I do hate it, don't get me wrong, I just don't see a better way and this way is okay.
The problem with a narcissist is that even if you do supply the needs he will still discard you. Emotionally and or physically while still staying in the home. The discard doesn’t have to be divorce for them. They will squeeze every last drop they can by whatever means they can. So sad
Can someone please share the name of the seminar she is referring towards the end of the video? I understand it happened. This video is 8 most old. But if I knew the name, I could be on the look out for it again. Thank you
If you are married and supposed to make decisions that affect both of you together... How do you do that if the spouse wiil not participate or commit to making a decision? Do you just make the decision by yourself?
My husband is too anxious or something to have long conversations. So we have to decide things - important things! - in tiny little snippets of one or two sentences per day. I try to think it through (and run it by trusted friends and family to see if my idea makes sense) and then suggest two options that I'm okay with. Then we "discuss" it and he thinks about it, and make the decision. It's easily messed up, and if one person thinks it's decided and acts but the other person still needed another week to say a couple of things, there are upset feelings. But it's okay. I think you can't just live your entire life on pause. Tell him, "I think this. What do you think?" And then if he doesn't have strong objections, take that as agreement. Someone with anxiety will fear change and it will be easier for them to accept it when it comes than making the decision to make it come. Hope that makes sense.
@@er6730 makes sense but my husband does fear change & is a procrastinator so he won't even make small decisions but he he never liked my ideas either even though I try to give many different ideas. We just go in circles until I am so wore out that nothing is ever decided. He talks in circles to so this can takes HOURS! I refuse to play that game anymore. He destroyed our last house because of these things. Destroyed my life too.
Depends on the person because each situation is different . What I need to work on is most likely different than what you need to work on. You have to look at yourself and see what needs improving . On your self. She can’t give a one answer fits all ……. Have you ever questioned yourself???? What work do you need to do???? Geeeeeez @misskitty I don’t mean to be rude but you came across angry and accusatory is all….
I keep praying that even though this marriage is not good I can still accomplish what God has for me. Despite my circumstances. I don’t want to feel like I’ve wasted more time on people that don’t care and don’t love me than I need too. Pouring my life endlessly into someone and something that I have no control over. Into people who don’t appreciate me in a Godly way. Meaning how God made me and the gifts that have been given to me. There’s a better way of living.
I keep telling myself that there is 8 billion people in the world. This is just one person. It just puts me at ease idk why but it does. Makes me feel like I don’t have to shorten myself to one persons inability to love me or see me.
This advice is so spot on especially in my culture where women are mistreated by husbands but they have no option of leaving. Thank you for this. Love from a Kenyan in Norway
Leslie is the best I’ve ever heard I feel like she is speaking my truth and my reality. She has really brought it home for me as I reflect on my own healing journey!
I think I've gotten to a pretty good level of detachment over the last two years of our 18 year marriage, and we are polite and friendly. (He's not a narcissist, he has autism) You have been so helpful for me to move through grief and to somewhat acceptance without too much resentment. (The grief isn't gone, but it's not overwhelming anymore) Thank you for that.
However, new question: how do I deal with social life? People like to invite a family together, and it's weird for them to invite only me and the children, nor do they see that we are not a unit because we look like we're together, and often I'm asked to explain his thoughts on a matter, or he's asked about my opinions, but it's not something that either of us know! I have been saying, "I don't know what he thinks, he doesn't talk to me", but that sounds so bitter and petty. I have many friends and I will often get together with the moms and children, or a bunch of women together, which is great and I like it. However, things like family gatherings and being invited by friends for a meal, or vacations... it's so awkward and I don't quite know how much to disclose. Like, do I insist on separate beds like we do at home? We can share without conflict, but I find it exhausting.
If I tell people the true situation, it feels disloyal and kind of like I'm showing poor character. But if I don't, there's a wall between myself and my support people, which hurts because I don't want to have to avoid Level 1 with them, and I'm so tired of avoiding intimacy.
i'm in your exact situation. I wish we could connect. My husband has not been diagnosed with autism. How do I do that? All his children and I also think this is the problem over narcassism.
@@amyfullmer5047 it's not a great situation, eh?
My husband has not been formally diagnosed, but about two years after I started to think that's what was going on with him, I finally found a good time to suggest it. (He was upset because "how do I manage to offend people without meaning to?") And because this incident had nothing to do with me, it was non threatening for me to suggest "maybe you have a touch of Asperger's" and he was vaguely interested, took an online test, and agreed that it all sounded familiar. Then he put it completely out of his mind, which was disappointing for me. About a year after that, he came up to me one day "I think I might be autistic" and I agreed that yes, that has crossed my mind as well.
And he's been learning about that, and trying to figure out feelings and how to regulate his emotions, and he's having a very interesting time with that. I immediately tried to jump to "so how can we communicate better now that we have this information?" But he's not interested in that, he wants to focus on learning about himself before thinking about solutions.
I’m not even married. In a dating relationship but I learn so much from Leslie! She is a true gift!!
Yes, you can but you have to come to terms with it and realize it’s not a true marriage. This can take a lot of time to come to terms with.
I love that you ended extolling the goodness of Jesus sacrificing himself to accomplish what we could never do for ourselves ❤
God's blessings to you, Leslie and team!
Caught this late, BUT I always love Leslie Vernick's content.
In my situation I couldn’t so I left. It took everything I could do but I left at 47 year marriage. Very painful but very destructive at times.
Leslie, thank you so much for what you do. I am so grateful for you. You have taught me so much.
Acceptance solves the majority of our problems.
this is so much easier said than done! In this type of marriage is disgusting
This all sounds good but the only problem is most men would expect sex in marriage. They’re not usually content to live in a detached way because usually a woman cannot have intercourse if she is detached. This also drives a man often times to pornography and other avenues to meet their needs. I tried to do this but I was blamed constantly for not being available for sex. I was also told that it was my fault that he had to look at pornography because I was not willing to have sex with him because our relationship was not intimate
Check out Sheila Wray Gregoire. You are believing lies
Did you ever find the answer?
I need to grieve the loss of the marriage I had hoped for. Okay learning to detach.
To answer the title question:
Why would you want to live with someone indifferent to your feelings?
You can, probably, but you might have to adjust your expectations of humanity or reality.
But you might not want to.
many people especially women in non-western communities have no option of leaving, so this post was spot on for them. I will surely use this advice on many of my female relatives and friends in kenya
No one wants to live in this type of situation but ever situation is unique to the individual. We can’t judge someone else’s decision. We can only sympathize and support her.
If there are children, you won't want them to stay with someone who is indifferent (or just doesn't notice) to feelings without the buffer of your presence. That's a very strong incentive, and I think if you can do it, it's worthwhile. It's so bad for children to be invalidated by a parent, and often if I point out what he should do to connect with them, he will do it.
He's not cruel, he's just self-focused and forgets to pay attention to other people.
We spend most of the time in 5 (superficial chit chat) and 4 (facts/news/handshake) and very occasionally 3 (thoughts/ideas/hug) level. It's emotionally safer for me to stay way up high just like he prefers. I do hate it, don't get me wrong, I just don't see a better way and this way is okay.
Yes ahmein thank you
What if I’m the one who can’t go passed number 3? I was raised in a family that it was very superficial.
How do you find others if you don't drive or go anywhere due to health?
The problem with a narcissist is that even if you do supply the needs he will still discard you. Emotionally and or physically while still staying in the home. The discard doesn’t have to be divorce for them. They will squeeze every last drop they can by whatever means they can. So sad
thank you, this was very helpful
Can someone please share the name of the seminar she is referring towards the end of the video? I understand it happened. This video is 8 most old. But if I knew the name, I could be on the look out for it again. Thank you
I wouldn't call it living - just more like existing.
Bathsheba was often blamed, but you may be right that she was taken advantage of, raped
Good morning 😊
If you are married and supposed to make decisions that affect both of you together...
How do you do that if the spouse wiil not participate or commit to making a decision?
Do you just make the decision by yourself?
My husband is too anxious or something to have long conversations. So we have to decide things - important things! - in tiny little snippets of one or two sentences per day.
I try to think it through (and run it by trusted friends and family to see if my idea makes sense) and then suggest two options that I'm okay with. Then we "discuss" it and he thinks about it, and make the decision. It's easily messed up, and if one person thinks it's decided and acts but the other person still needed another week to say a couple of things, there are upset feelings. But it's okay.
I think you can't just live your entire life on pause. Tell him, "I think this. What do you think?" And then if he doesn't have strong objections, take that as agreement. Someone with anxiety will fear change and it will be easier for them to accept it when it comes than making the decision to make it come. Hope that makes sense.
@@er6730 makes sense but my husband does fear change & is a procrastinator so he won't even make small decisions but he he never liked my ideas either even though I try to give many different ideas. We just go in circles until I am so wore out that nothing is ever decided. He talks in circles to so this can takes HOURS!
I refuse to play that game anymore.
He destroyed our last house because of these things. Destroyed my life too.
agree! same situation @@Misskitty15
😢😢😢😢😢😢it is so hard!!
Why couldn't you say the list of "if you don't see this..."
Why make an incomplete video?
How is it incomplete?
❤❤
I have no support! Then what? I have no family either.
No
What is "do your work" (what kind of work?).
Depends on the person because each situation is different . What I need to work on is most likely different than what you need to work on. You have to look at yourself and see what needs improving . On your self. She can’t give a one answer fits all ……. Have you ever questioned yourself???? What work do you need to do???? Geeeeeez @misskitty I don’t mean to be rude but you came across angry and accusatory is all….
no