"This Is Stealing Your Life" - A Key Thing Keeping You From A Life Of Meaning | Nihal Arthanayake
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- Опубликовано: 28 май 2024
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Today we’re going meta, as they say. Because this is a conversation about…conversation. More than that, it’s a deep and meaningful exchange about why effective, authentic dialogue is so important to humankind - and yet seemingly in decline. And who better to exchange words with on this topic, than my fellow ‘professional conversationalist’, Nihal Arthanayake.
You may know Nihal as an acclaimed broadcaster and TV presenter. He currently presents a national daytime show on BBC Radio 5 Live, which has over 1.2 million regular listeners, and his unique style recently won him Interviewer of the Year at the BBC Radio and Music Awards. Nihal is a good friend, so I can testify to his ability to ‘give good chat’. But he’s also brilliant at having public conversations that are bold, thoughtful and honest. Guests from the world's biggest stars to leaders of inner-city gangs have lauded his ability to stimulate positive discussions without the need for confrontation.
In his wonderful book, Let’s Talk: How To Have Better Conversations, which has recently been released in paperback, Nihal explains that all the scientific evidence points towards us now sharing fewer conversations than we ever have done before. We may have hundreds of connections on social media, but fewer than ever in our daily lives. So, could learning the art of conversation be an antidote to loneliness?
In our conversation, we discuss the importance of empathy and active listening, with your heart and mind as well as your ears and eyes. Are you listening to understand, says Nihal, or simply to respond? We talk about vulnerability in conversation, why men in particular find that difficult, and why it feels so hard for male friends to exchange words like ‘I miss you’ or even ‘I love you’.
As an experienced interviewer, Nihal has plenty of anecdotal evidence about successful communication - it’s something he demonstrates daily on the airwaves. But he also shares his personal experience and advice, such as how he’s approached conversations with friends who are going through tough times, or why he went to couples’ therapy with his wife on realising their interactions had become more transactional than conversational.
He also explains the evolution and psychology of dialogue, as well as the neuroscience of what’s happening in the brain during meaningful discourse. And he shares some powerful, high-profile case studies who’ve proved that it is possible to find common ground with anyone, even those who are your sworn enemies, by finding your common humanity.
I really think that the skills Nihal is encouraging us all to cultivate are essential if we are to live happy and contented lives, but also essential when it comes to our physical and mental wellbeing.
This conversation was relaxed and light hearted but at the same time, powerful and provocative. As Nihal says, great conversation is the glue that binds us all together.
#feelbetterlivemore
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#feelbetterlivemore #feelbetterlivemorepodcast
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Speaking to a quick conversation with a stranger, I was at my local grocery store, in the pastry section. Yes, sometimes I ned a sugar fix :) There was a young man, probably 19-20 years old, who looked at me and said "the sweetest thing in this bakery section is you" I am old enough to be his grandmother, and I doubt I looked my best. I was so shocked, all I could say was thank you - he gave me a smile, then turned around and walked away. What a kind thing for him to say!
Nice, now say something similar to a random man someday, whether young or old.
My Dad never said I love you son
But I managed as he was 80 I was about to leave by car after an argument
Before turning the key I then stepped out of the car Walked up to
him took in my arms "Your are my father and I love you deeply "
Well tears flowed down his face.
Wow, am so proud of you 👏
Also, some people can't say the words, so they show it instead..
some wouldn't speak by pride, which is silly and can be regrettable
He didn't know how but you did! ❤
Wonderful ! You brave soul!
I always start chats with strangers...when I call the insurance or cable company...when I shop..why? It connects me to the human condition and I get to exchange that validation that we're all on this spinning orb together...and we will all die someday. It's humbling and profoundly affirming. I always feel better..and hope they do too. Life is hard. We can ease each others' suffering with a smile and eye contact.
100%
Yes totally agree. Honestly by doing this I realize how blessed I am how easier I have it compared with other people. It makes me count my blessings.
When I worked in tech support as an engineer I would always chat with customers when I was working on the back end. It was pretty fun and great way to pass the time while troubleshooting or waiting for diagnostics.
yes, thats so healthy for mental health. I take the bus at 7 oclock in the morning. There is always and old man speaking a lot. then usually a lady and a young man. The old mand starts to speak to all of us, about that he is going to tesco, he is going to have a breakfast. Now we are bus stop friends. When one is arriving late the others say to the driver wait a moment. When you arrive and one is not there we are saying where is the lady, for example (we dont know our names). The other day we were waiting for a long time, but the young man wasnt there. When the bus was arriving we saw him running to the bus stop and the three of us were shouting go go go. when he arrives we were clapping our hands and clapping also for the bus arriving finally. so the driver opened the door to 4 adult people clapping and saying yehh and obviously laughing a lot. then in the bus the old man talk to the driver about the wether, as always, and then he shouted to us I see you tomorrow. And I started my day laughing in the bus, and make you feel in such a good mood. Now when Im 3 or 4 min late and Im crossing the road watching the bus I feel safe because I know that my bus stop friends we will ask the driver waiting for me.
@@Ssaidakthis would make a good plot for a movie!! ❤
Really appreciative of Nihal and his work ❤
I feel lonely all the time. It is worse when I am with my husband and parents. Our morals, goals, beliefs, hopes and dreams are so dissimilar. My parents do not understand my highly sensitive nature and are constantly pushing at me to think like them. Which only stresses me out a lot! Most times being by myself, with my animal friends is less lonely than being surrounded by people who just don't get me, like me, or understand.
Hi Dani I feel for you. I know what you mean about animals it can be so beautiful to contact non verbally. Please take care of yourself being highly sensitive is a gift I wish you well for the future. ❤️ from J.
@@jaimwah Thank you J. Being highly sensitive can be a gift. Although it has been a huge challenge most of my life. Working on making it a positive.
Go Dani, doesnt sound easy for you but you are continuing to learn, while they apparently know it all already...I know who I'd rather be!😊
I hear you & respectfully ask that you constantly pray about it & to believe that you've already gotten through this with your family..
Thank you, I really appreciate your post as your life experiences definitely resonate with me. To a degree I have learned to simply let some things go while acknowledging that family sometimes just doesn't get you and that it's ok to just be me.
You hit the jackpot Dr. chatterjee! Many of us are looking for that meaning conversation where our most delicate and meaningful parts are seen and hold. Tired of looking and waiting I end up with a quick fix and when that doesn’t work anymore the hopeless feeling creeps in.
Valuable conversation here, it's so important that we can express ourselves and learn how to engage with others. Some of what was carefully unpacked by Nihal truly resonated with me as I'm an Indian male in my 40s who never heard I love you ever from my parents or wider family, not even a word of encouragement or desire to understand my experiences. This lack of communicating emotions truly shaped how I felt about myself in the world and unfortunately limited my opportunities to sincerely engage - to understand rather than respond. We all hold so much from our childhoods and are desperate for guidance in how to simply talk, bond and truly discover the value in each other. Unfortunately, when we can talk outside of ourselves it reflects inside too where we can't even hold conversations with ourselves, in our minds. Words are connected to our experiences, to our hearts and feelings and can script our realities so this dialogue is so important. I could write for hours here, I am humbled - this resonated with me and made me incredibly vulnerable in a good way, it spoke to my ever-evolving consciousness, thank you guys, I love you both x
Just listening to you Dr Chatterjee and your guests you can feel the love!😊 Thank you for your videos to help be healthier and look at the world from a different angle. x
I just love your choice of guests to interview. There is always something I learn listening to you talk with them. I have all your books and am learning so much. Thank you so very much for giving your time and knowledge to us❤
Celeste's insights on improving conversations hit home! Meaningful connections are the cornerstone of our well-being, and consciously fostering genuine dialogue can enhance our relationships and combat loneliness. Let's strive to make every conversation an opportunity to truly connect and uplift one another. 🌟🗣
Loved this conversation 🙌🏽 thank you 💞♾️🙏🏽 ☺️
This discussion is a clear eye opener..
The first 1'35" .. clearly defines vocal and meaningful conversations unlike..
the silent dialogues we have on our cell phones while the rest of the physical world is cut off!!
Thank you, for another great podcast.
I just love the way you effectively lead the Podcast with an excellent selection of guests; makes for a very interesting discourse, informative & beyond. Best wishes on your journey,as we look forward to journey along. Thank you,Dr. Tons & Tons: from Vancouver,BC
This could change the world❤ I just sent it to my ex and my 2 sons. My only note ‘Priceless’. Thank you both❤️🦋🤗
the density of how great the info is in the first 10 minutes amazes me
Thank you, Dr Chatterjee, for all the wonderful work you do spreading messages like these. They are so valuable. I listen to and share all your podcasts. I have learnt from you and your guests for many years now. And I just want to say that your compassionate, optimistic, dedicated, curious spirit shines like a light, and we feel its warmth from the other side of the world in South Africa. Blessings on you and your family as you continue to bless millions around the world, and for generations to come.
We should listen to understand, then after to respond..
Wow oh wow. What a great podcast. I got and learned so much from your exchange. Thank you.
What a phenomenal and much needed conversation, THANK YOU SO MUCH! Nihal is one of the greatest minds.
I had the honour if meeting nihal when I lived in rather slept in great portland Street what a lovely bloke he spoke to me like I was something you know thanks to people like you guys I do live in a place I can call home in Glasgow I love you guys every time I listen to you I get lots from it I hope your life's are blessed with the things that make your hearts keep beating to the life we wish for ❤❤❤
I feel most conversations get into gossiping, which I try and stay away from but most of the time ppl enjoy a gossip. This for me shuts me down, it’s hard to have meaningful conversation.
Agreed! We need to avoid gossiping and try and have meaningful “good” conversations ☺️❤️
That only shows you have the wrong people in your life…or that you don’t know how to steer the conversation into things that are actually more valuable
Gossip is completely normal. Lying & malicious gossip are something else.
@@ktkee7161 at my work, gossip was defined as talking about others instead of to them, especially in ways that you might not want them to hear.
Gossip, is “normal” in our very dysfunctional and conflict averse society. Talking about others vs to them shows toxic ways of thinking and relating, which can ruin relationships. If one is growing beyond, evolving, they no longer want to engage in this “normal” behavior. Just because certain behaviors are encouraged, acted on, in our society, doesn’t make them healthy. Our society is far from healthy, you can’t let it define your norms.
I landed on this video by accident and finished it all. Amazing content again!
I’m 35 F in Canada
2 kids, Great husband
And no friends.
It’s lonely.
I try to remind myself to be grateful for what I do have.
You must have siblings or cousins you can have conversations with. Friends are not just people outside your family.
Remember,we can’t have everything,but be thankful for,what You have.I’m astrologer and probably You have Saturn in 11 house (means house of friends),I have the same problem.Always had friends for 1,3 or 10 years and they are gone.Always help them in very difficult time.I’m ok now.Im glad I did good things for Them.God bless You 🙏🙏🙏
Why have you chosen not to have any friends? Or has childhood trauma meant that you're unable to make friends?
Touched, thank both of you bros.
Love this conversation.. I could listen to Nihals voice all day long..
Brilliant. Relevent, and so very much needed. Always share the take-aways from your podcasts.
Babies in arms I find will always lock on with their eyes and a Asian mother will then turn and a give a responsive smile . I liken it to a small gold nugget for the day
A great podcast on how to talk, bond, and learn the value in each other.
Such a strong conversation. Reaches deep inside you and shows alternatives that we are avoiding for one reason or another. Thanks for this podcast-will work on incremental changes.
Ok. I just love this podcast and since Jan 2022 I have thirst for your next video and I am hysterical right now. I am watching how uncomfortable you are just imagining saying “I love you” to a friend. This is so funny and proves your podcast is completely genuine. Keep being you!
What a delightful, uplifting conversation. Thanks so much ~ 🌟
I do wish more doctors would admit that they don’t know. None of us can know everything. The loss of conversation starts much earlier than 16. I would like to enjoy conversations with all my family, the iphone reigns supreme.
I was standing in a group of people passing out political information. We had a conversation about how people have conversations. And have children been through debate classes, where they learn to debate from a position that they do not believe in. Modeling civil conversations with people that youon first seeing think that you will not like but modeling civil conversation was a topic that we talked about for over an hour
Thank you 😊
I am 73 this year from the time I was in kindergarten all the way through elementary school the day started or included with a show and tell or some other kind of group conversation. We had those conversations and that led to being interested in talking to the other people in your class. I think there were also other times where groups of us had to come together to work on a project which meant that we had to have conversation. I’m not sure that that is happening now.
Yes, we still do that at school.
Thank you 🙏 for this conversation 🦋
Wow, wow, wow..thank you guys..
The element most missing in my life now. Thank you for term together alone.
Love has many meanings and qualities.
The 2 hours stole my life rather than giving it to us straight.
Great conversation! Thank you so much for sharing 🌈
Invaluable intelligent incredible
Conversations start at home between parents and children but because both parents choose to go to work they give children phone and other gadgets to full their absence so technology is to be blame 100%.
Outstanding meaningful conversation. Thank you so much to both of you 🙏
Bloody brilliant content! Listen up World! 😍👌
Loved the show. The ending was fantastic. Love you and miss you.
Active listening
Thank uou
Great episode
Is there a Pulizer-prize or something like that for podcasts? It should be given particularly to this conversation and also Dr. Ragnan's podcasts in general.
Absolutely brilliant
I love this podcast so much.
Massively effective n impactful conversation.Learnt so much.Practical.
Really liked this conversation
17:11 This is very coincidental! Happy freedom day to all South Africans.
so many simple truths ✨ thank you both
My twenty year old son regularly ends phone calls with his male friends and greets male friends with "love you mate". Ive heard his friends say it to him too. We are Australian and using the word mate may make it easier.
Thank you for this conversation podcast..
IMO labeling is not the problem, the problem is what we think of the differentiation;
It is like there are various of vitamins, will we think them useful as enrichment to improve our body or we think they are danger and toxic substance that harm our body. And we need to use them with discernment.
Look forward to see and listen more of your podcast.
May God bless you, your family and your work. 🙏🏼
I think more neutral less value laden or judgemental terms like "effective or non effective"but I think we all know the difference between when we are let with respect and compassion and warmth and when we are not in everything as simple as ordering a coffee to a more complex doctors appointment.The difference when minimal information is given or given without empathy,warmth or politeness and when it is not.
Those interactions and there are too many of them which happen now when literally getting "help or support"from a person in a supermarket,shop,caller support for utilities or banking etc is literally like pulling teeth where you have to work for every single bit of information or help as so often its not forthcoming.
I have seen these everyday,utilitarian interactions that we enegage in everyday become harder and harder as service is seen as a dirty word and maybe this individualism or oneupmanship is at an all time high where people think its beneath them to be "of service".
Also this art of conversation is more valued in some cultures than others...people sitting around and talking and discussing is still more alive and well in some cultures than others,I'd say in Ireland or at least the Ireland I use to know where conversation was much more valued than in England or at least the south of England.
We are not a communicative culture,many English people find eye contact difficult and awkward and we have to do better as I think this is a big reason why many are so depressed and isolated...other than material reasons like housing and low pay etc
On the point of social media /trolling and being superficial. I totally agree. I put a heartfelt emotional comment on recently & I received very aggressive amateur psychoanalysis from someone. I asked nicely to please leave me alone but this person was insistent that I had a problem claiming to be an expert and was persistent in a very aggressive manner that she or he knew exactly what the problem was by reading a comment I made.
I don’t understand why she or he thought they ‘knew me’ & the person I was talking about in my comment. In the end as it felt horrible leaving it on there as it would still be there for me to see. So I deleted it.
I’m ranting a bit so I’ll leave it there but I feel so much better now for writing this. I suppose it feels a bit like journaling and putting it in a place where it started ❤
Bring on the haters lol I’ll just delete you anyway 😂
❤
Are we more lonely, or have we just made a realization and are acknowledging it as a societal and very human issue.
The mobile phone is an obvious interpretation, but loneliness and a lack of quality conversation wasn't invented by the mobile phone.
My father was forced by his pious grandmother to volunteer in his youth and bring home made stew to a few poor families on Sunday afternoon ...and he complained about it his entire life.....turned out he revealed himself a Machiavellian Sadistic Narcissist !
It's about cognition rather than communication.
One can believe one is communicating and may be inaccurate in ones perception if there is no cognition.
Are you communicating with curiosity?
Curiosity opens the mind for cognition.
I think Dr Rangan, is afraid of or don't really know how to communicate with his friends. Just say I love you man. I say it to my friends and always has. I him a man who cares about people..
I've just sent Netenyahu the link.
Please bring Dr. K on your podcast 🙏
at bbc for 20 years..i dont care for a lot of their biased propaganda. otherwise great talk.
What do you mean.
I find it very comical when people state the obvious with authority and then believe what they are saying is profound.
The Dr can only talk by waiting to give you his answer. Fascinating. The problem is his ego won’t let him be humble.
He reminds me of an American who can never say they’re sorry as they see that as a sign of weakness, or losing face.
I just texted two of my guy Friends that I love them ❤️🙏🔥🤯
Now pick up the phone and tell them. Next when face to to face tell them. You've started the journey. Don't stop now.
@@plym1969 🙏🙏 I'm growing up
Can I find this book in another language, French for example?
Usually love this podcast but came away feeling worse after watching this after Nihal had a go over English people celebrating St George who ‘wasn’t English’ but England must accept and celebrate his ancestors who were also not English. Pot kettle black.
Tbf He’d already lost me when he said a mainly white ethnic work place made him uncomfortable. Sounds like he’s a passive aggressive racist to me. The first guest I’ve not liked.
Please, please, please, Rangan, have an episode on |Non-Violent Communication!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This conversation was great and very much related to what was said about wonderful communication and the peace process of Northern Ireland. Marshall Rosenberg was behind the scenes of the Good Friday Agreement and created NVC. I think more people should know about NVC because it highlights what is wrong with our society and how to overcome difficulties around communication. Please, an episode on NVC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't know he was behind the GFA..you sure about that? I lnow of his work and NVC just didn't realise that fact
📖
Smartphones and now the beginning of artificial intelligence is and will ruin humanity around the world. Less meaningful human connections are occurring. It’s very alarming. This technology is made to stimulate your endorphins and create these uncontrollable addictions. Look around. Dinners out, going to the movies & concerts, driving in the car, you will see people communicating with technology and not through normal conversation. 😢
It's honestly so sad, and so scary, I'm really shocked the masses don't see it. How is it possible that everyone who has a smartphone doesn't see how unessecarily these phones are destroying our lives? Social media, apps, 24/7 alerts have done so much harm to humans it's beyond a pandemic at this point. It's a catastrophe. It sickens me and I honedlty don't know what to do about it. If I cut myself off everyone it would just isolate me even more. It's a catch 22.
X/Twitter has seemed bad vibe and instagram is much more positive and I dont hardly use facebook at all and it has been better to not use it or X than using time when it just felt bad or negative.
"Im a professional conversationalist". 😂😂😂
He is employed to interview people therefore have conversations with people. It's not that difficult to understand.
You know, we mankind are in trouble, only the Most High can help us, we're seeing & hearing things that we've never seen or heard before. The Android phones are doing grevious harm to mankind, it's very addictive..
to say I love you and I miss you is to reengineer the Male identity.
Society has caused men to be afraid or uncomfortable to say " I love you to another man, without being gay", it's possibly all missed up..
Do u know the essences of teaching prophet is good behaviour and virtue.
How to stretch 10 minutes of information into almost 2 hours !
Kind of immature response "you are not going to run me off this platform" weird perspective, threw me off
What?
This should have been a 6-minute video.
I disagree with this conversion , I am 75 and watch on average 12 to 15 hours day , about , 6 hours on tik tok , rest is TV , RUclips etc , live on my on not lonely, live alone , I am with me , and love myself doesn't come into , I have 3 kids 7 grand children, 6 siblings, being retired, spend one hour in gym ,walking , was married for 25 years , 2 relationship each 8 years , one died me, and other went for a dog walk did not return, live in the movement, past is gone future I don't know , end of my conversation❤
????? 12 to 15 hours screen???
To be fair you are in a different stage of life probably 95% of people haven’t achieved
Did your guy leave or did something happen to him? That’s shocking!
You don't need woman in your life in my case been married, mistress insurance policy , girl friends , friends with benefits etc , or in woman's case don't need men , don't be a victim either , accept the reality and enjoy ever second , just educate yourselves , you never stop learning till you die , if you know everything then its sad day
When I heard them talk about how difficult it is for men to say to men, I love you, and I miss you. I thought about how difficult it is for women to say that to men, especially men that are married or women that are married part of what is in conversationwith the universe I believe is as we moved toward love as way of being what actually is it we are so used to love as attachment.
We're controlled by social media..
So what steps have you taken to not be so?
@plym1969 Greetings..am constantly reminding & educating myself & my household to take time out from the phone & TV, when eating together, in Church or having a conversation, phone or TV must not be on & we make eye contact. After listening to your video from time to time I intend to remind & educate others of the dangers of media & post your vedeos to my contacts. Thank you gentlemen ever so much for being vigilant & decerning, stay safe...
@plym1969 ...am also paying more attention to the family, especially the younger ones..
How do I stop the feed to me on this channel? Not interested!
Thank you for helping this channel's algorithms and advertising revenue by engaging with it.
Also, just a hunch here, I bet your mates have never said I love you.😀
I feel really uncomfortable just listening 😂😂😂😂
This is the same man who said ‘ his overwhelmingly white working environment was affecting his Mental Health’ imagine if that was flipped 🙄
In the UK it can't be flipped. Why is him staying his truth a problem to you? It's surely not too difficult for you to undertake that if you are a person of colour in a 85% white environment that it will affect your mental health?
Do better please because your reply wasn't needed and only put anger and negativity form your soul into the world.
@@plym1969 My statement still stands, he’s a Racist, I wouldn’t go and live in Sri Lanka and moan that there weren’t enough white people, if he doesn’t like it he can move 🙂
@@1273mel Nihal Arthanayake born 1 June 1971 (age 52) in
Harlow,Essex ENGLAND.
Why are you, an obviously white racist telling a man born in this country to leave?
Who hurt you?
What childhood trauma has turned you into a racist?
Why do you hate yourself so much ?
@@1273melyou suggesting that a man born in Essex ENGLAND to ' go back home'. Wow! 😮
I didn’t say he wasn’t born here you fool, I said if he doesn’t like too many white people he can move 😊 have a lovely day and learn to read!!!
In my opinion it’s all by design in this profit ova humanity shitstem
The Babylonian shit-stem sucks to the core it's designed to separate people, to keep us all vulnerable.....BIG-UP!✌🏽
Not proper education of communication skills.
2 handsome brown men