When I first became a teacher, I spent hours late into the night making minor tweaks and improvements to lessons. I would then be exhausted and do a bad job of running the class and communicating with students but I had given myself the excuse that I was working really, really hard so that I could never be blamed for teaching a bad lesson.
Leaving the final boss alive because you don't want to become like them despite the fact you had no qualms killing hordes of their henchmen just so they can threaten you and a your loved ones
I was severely depressed for a very long time. It becomes part of your self-perception. I wouldn't call it comforting, but rather say that taking risks and doing "what you're supposed to" is incredibly discomforting. You feel anxious constantly until you just leave it behind and let it fall apart. Then you don't feel anxious any more. Free. And then a month later you realized you were much happier being anxious. The reason I can't get out of bed easily is not because I don't want to blame my time management skills. I don't have time management skills. It's because the bed is comforting. I used to show up for work 20 minutes late every day. Because the bed is comforting. Not because I was re-enacting a failure to show up on time; It was just that the only thing that actually got me out of bed was a feeling that I'm definitely too late and I have to get out. It's legit hard to get out of bed in the morning if you get absolutely nothing out of life. ;)
Concretely... I have left a lot of online communities (in MMO's) where I was really fitting in because I kept getting anxious about losing my place in those communities. Like, what would happen when they all realized I was boring? And this was a time when online communities were my only social contacts. I've done this so many times, and regretted it every single time, and I wound up just playing singleplayer games instead of trying to meet people online. When you're dealing with serious depression and psychogenic pain, you may just not have the strength to have a perceived risk hanging over your head, waiting to somehow make your life even worse. For a mentally healthy person, self-sabotage is a mistake. For a mentally ill person, it may be the only choice they have.
Emil Sørensen I completely understand where you're coming from. I spent a good decade in that dark, lonely pit. I know it's not worth a damn, but I hope you're feeling better these days.
Emil Sørensen: it took me years to realize that my crippling anxiety was no longer useful for self protection. Years to realize I held onto that shell and defined myself in this way because I was afraid if I dropped my persona other people who feel disjointed at the shift, or like I was abandoning my ‘true’ self. Fake it til you make it sounds superficial or laughable, though from my experience it truly is a great therapy to normalize behaviors that you want to adopt. Hang in there bro
I understand how you feel. I myself do the same thing and if I get behind I feel very discouraged and in my mind I feel like: shit I failed, that is it for today, I will do it tommorow.
Thank you man! ive had problems with this for ages. I've never spoken about it to anyone but this video inspired me to seek help. I didn't know that the problem wasn't me just being lazy. Turns out i have some stuff to work on and there is help I can get! All the best!
I had similar experience 10 years ago and I'm struggling with it upto this point without even knowing that's the problem. You are not alone bro. I will try to seek help hope you get better too🙂
Many of us can relate to some if not all things said in this video, but only if all the symptoms are pronounced and you have all 5 of them you have reason for consern, if not I wouldn't worry, your normal.
Not at all. I have completely destroyed my self-image, call myself a POS (and believe that with every ounce of my being, whatever that means), yet I have taught myself organic chemistry, Chinese (Mandarin with simplified hanzi if you want specifics), French, Spanish, PDE's, medical science, and Java but put it all off as just me being bored. People constantly tell me I can do better in life and sometimes even present opportunities to do so and I will throw it back in their face. Objectively, I know I can do better but misery is comforting so nothing comes of it. My point here is that you can be awesome at studying just because of who you are, yet if you hate yourself to the point of drinking and smoking yourself to death but being too much of a wimp to pull that trigger, no amount of studying will help. Keep your self-image, just be more honest with yourself and learn time budgeting better.
+anonymous daphne Perhaps the self hatred is merely a cognitive dissonance. Perhaps subconsciously or intuitively you know "we're" not supposed to live like this. Unnaturally, self-deceptively, culturally self-degraded, and fake. So you compensate with knowledge. To obscure the fact, from yourself, your family, your peers, and your future self - that you possessed this knowledge all along and it makes you so vulnerable. So unalike. So ineffective. So truthful. Fighting knowledge with knowledge. Fire with inferno.Maybe that's why other's don't seek knowledge as you do. Maybe they intuitively know it too, and you're just like them. Just as capable of denying love as anyone. Thus, escalation to fighting self with self. Thus worthy.
I've hated being happy since I was 10, which I knew was weird but didn't know why I did it. When you said that happiness is fleeting and scary but sadness is always and comforting it clicked. Thank you for the video.
@@slappy8941 Thank you. This sounds relatable. After every enjoyable event I feel so down, because it's over and ask myself if it is even worth persuing enjoyment at all.
Seriously this video hit close to home. I've had some health issue and failed my semester due to big lack of attendance (or maybe I am just using health issue to justify the fact I didn't study enough/ or maybe I made myself sick to be more comfortable in case of failure (which is what happend)). Last year I actually achieved the diploma that allowed me to go to college but I never took it like a win and always said that everyone could do it. I thought I should see a specialist but I didn't feel like I have the right to be depressed because my family is always behind me to help me and make my life easier. I guess I will take an appointment. it can't hurt anyway :)
Over the course of five years I have effectively destroyed my life this way. Took a course that was too high for my level of knowledge (twice), procrastinated in an attempt to cope with coursework stress. Put myself in debt trying to help others (despite the fact that there was nothing permanent I could have done) and now here I am with a huge assignment and only a few days to do it but still on RUclips watching a string of videos. I think your video explains the broad concept quite well an highlights the cause in a way that help find the solution. Thank you.
This episode speaks directly to me. Not that I have a diagnosis or anything, and didn't even know it was a condition before the video, but I certainly struggle with it heavily. I did really relate to the analogy of the roller coaster, and it made me realize a connection between this and my religion. I started studying Buddhism some years back, and found that it worked really well for me. The Zoloft doesn't hurt either, but that's kinda beside the point. I found that the best way to deal with the roller coaster wasn't to shoot for, and appreciate the highs, so much as to try to get off the roller coaster all together. It's much harder to spiral down from ground level, ya know? Not that I've given up happiness or anything, but when I say high, I don't just mean a little excited, hopeful, or in love. I mean the way a drug would make you high. Where there's just so far to fall if you misstep. I just never really go all in on emotions because the risk is too high, and there's never ever no crash at all. Thank you for this.
JointedSpagel: congrats! I’m seeing the doctor next week to try chantix (medicine that blocks out the pleasure response from smoking). I’ve heard only cold turkey works, though I’m confident this time it will be different than the other times I quit.
Great video. Lots of introspection coming my way. I'm fairly self-deprecating and I feel like it became my way of fighting off legitimate bullies when I was a kid. Eventually I got some confidence in High School and I just ignored them, but I've always considered self-deprecation as a legitimate and healthy way of deflecting bullies, so much so that I've considered it good advice to give a (read: my own, potentially future) child. I'm now reconsidering it.
"It's better to be the class clown then the class hobo" - One of the many useless quotes that potentially keep popping up and never getting used in a very clearly stable person
This is my entire existence. I'm actually AFRAID of success, pleasure, and feeling rested. It's like all the "normal" wiring just got completely reversed. I've even deliberately done bad things, just to mitigate any good I might accidentally achieve. I wish there was some help.
All i can say is that with how much happiness i feel just from having a normal day I don't think i'll ever be able to truly relate to these kinds of people, but i guess that's just part of the divide that disorders cause
I really disagree with you dismissing a cheat day. As long as you don't go overboard, or have the too often, they are a good way to keep you motivated on a diet. They can even give you something to look forward to or "earn". I made a lot of progress on a diet where I had a cheat day. Lost 80 pounds and I haven't put it back on.
Cheat days are dismissed because *most* people that do cheat days eat _so much_ on their cheat days, that they make the rest of the diet pointless. Doesn't really matter if you spend most of the week on an 300kcal deficit, if on your cheat day you eat 5000kcal of saturated fats and sugar. If you have the self-discipline to stick to a diet and stay disciplined even on your cheat day, you most likely could've done it without the cheat day as well.
Not necessarily, there's a reason we love fat and sugar, it's how our minds are biologically programmed by evolution. The denser a food is in carbs, the more desirable it should be, because it's the kind of food that'll most easily help us survive and thrive. As a result foods that we love and crave will often be "unhealthy", especially when you're on a diet, so having a cheat day is acknowledging that we biologically will have those cravings. The problem however is discipline. Definitely not everyone, but a lot of people that need a diet need one because they lack discipline with food. Because that's why they're overweight in the first place. So as I said above, when most people on a diet have a "cheat day", they feel like it's okay to let go of all discipline and eat what they want and end up eating so many calories that day, that it completely nullifies any deficit they suffered through in the week before. Like +raney150 said, if you do it properly, you can totally have cheat days while losing weight. You just have to still eat a normal amount.
bodying dummies - Why would you follow a keto diet if you're going to kick your body out of keto every weekend. That sounds like just about the worst idea.
+bodying dummies - But why would you? It's not good for your body to get kicked in and out of ketosis constantly. Why do you think you felt so shit every time?
It’s like you described my whole family I was down this road and realized I didn’t have to and didn’t want to live this way Took my whole 20s to change and now I love my life and help others!
I’m talking about self defeating Oh I’m pretty good at self deprecation! It seems that it’s more common now than even 15 years ago Cause: social media? Increase in entrepreneurship?
I've self-sabotaged my love life for YEARS by only being attracted to unavailable people. I know I do it, and I'd like to change that, but I don't know how. But this video was very accurate!
Self sacrifice one real af Took blame for mistakes, offer to take the worst tasks at work, offer to do extra work, give away a bit too much money that I actually kinda needed
I don't think I will know better but that was good to hear. As in that's not gonna change my self destructive behaviour in any way but it was an interesting insight.
this video really changed my outlook and self-talk in a way i honestly cant articulate well enough to do it justice. This is an excellent video, thanks for posting.
Ah man. I have definitely doubted my ability to do something I had already successfully done before. Happened in a statistics class where I almost didnt turn in an assignment because I thought I wouldn't do well. but then I remembered that I had done well in the class and idk how I convinced myself this assignment was going to be different. I have also done the thing where I do something wrong and turn myself in even when i could have gotten away with it or it wasnt even a big deal. once it happened when I was at basic and told the drill sergeant something i had done wrong and he just looked at me and said "Its really not that big of deal and if you hadn't told me I would have never found out." i just stood there and didnt know what to say. it didnt even occur to me how silly I was being.
Just wanna say, I started watching you yesterday, and I really enjoy the channel. You seem honest, and that's important, especially in today's world. Keep up the good work.
I just finished my first semester of college with a 4.0, but I don’t know how. I work half time and do all schoolwork the night before. I go into quizzes, tests and exams usually with around 4 hours of sleep. Also, I am involved with 5 student organizations. I look like a model student, but I am constantly stressed
You're fucking smart bruv. Hold your head as high as it goes and BASK. But seriously, as someone who's seen plenty of burnouts, don't push too hard for yourself to take. If you can do it, and like doing it, and feel good doing, then do it and let yourself know that you actually are special. Not the "everyone is special" kinda deal - no, you are special and honestly, sincerely, truly better than many many people, and you should enjoy this gift and be humbled by it. If you can't do it, then that's fine - going balistic on things doesn't make you better. Life is the longest marathon and you need to pace yourself otherwise you will BREAK, and needing to do so is fine. You HAVE to do what needs to be done, it's in the name - if you HAVE to rest to feel okay enough to know you can keep it up, then it is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO NOT REST.
I read this comment and wondered if you had read my mind or something. I've heard from my peers that feeling this way is quite common though. I was accepted into an elite research program (no flex 🤪) and people were pretty jealous but for no good reason because I felt like absolute garbage the whole year. Similar to you, I only slept a few hours each night and stopped taking care of myself. Unfortunately I ended with a 3.9 😆😆😆😆😆😋😋😋😋🤯. Good luck with the rest of college (if that's what you decide to do).
I'm pretty sure he's legit depressed a lot. It's hard to imagine him being so good at expressing those dark feelings, even while making them light-hearted, if he didn't feel them.
Tbh,I kind of have this... sometimes when I think of having a better life,having a girlfriend or being more active,I tend to feel some kind of fear,because meanwhile being happy is something that I don't know how it is,or how to handle it,being a loser is something more comfortable,I know how to deal with it,how to cope with,so I tend to maintain all of my unhealthy habits.
I have a long term physical illness which comes and goes in periods, sometimes I overwork myself knowing I will get sick for the next few days, but that way i got sick by doing something important instead of getting sick when its out of my control. I didn't realise this until watching this video, now I'll keep that in mind. (And probably still do it sometimes because it is comforting.....)
I have done this for most of my life. When unhappy, I self medicate by buying myself something pretty, knowing or ignoring that I can not afford it. Happiness is fleeting, but you can buy yourself the over price vehicle and drive up real close to it.
An excellent video as always. I would submit that some of these traits some of the time is totally normal. Self-deprecating humor while it can be a shield, it can also be disarming to others. Procrastination to a point (at least for me) gets me going and pumped up. It's all about gradients and harm done
So I've been a fan and subscriber of your channel for a while, and I've watched most of your videos multiple times. That being said, it took me over a year to build up the courage to watch this video because of how terrified I was that I would see myself reflected in it. Tonight I had an eff-it moment and decided to watch it. And I'm glad I did. I certainly recognized myself in the video in the ways I was afraid I would. Yet, surprisingly, it brought me comfort rather than anxiety. I'm hoping that, going forward, I can use it to be mindful of when I may be entering a self-destructive space and how to respond accordingly. Thank you so much for this video. It's been a very long time since I've felt so connected to a topic.
I totally stayed up all night playing co-op video games with friends the night before my last final, one year. I did horribly, but so did my friends, and that comforted me.
I had a crush on her long enough. And all her friends and mine knew it. The smiles and stuff were positive and I didn't make a move. *DIDN'T* Even acted like I don't care anymore but I can't keep her out of my head. This puts stuff in perspective. I *Want* this!!!!
I am plagued by chronic depression since I was 11 (my parents got divorced in a very bad way) and I am 38 now... Being unhappy has been my mode of operation for as long as I can remember. I am trying to get out of it for over 10 years now with limited success. It is well possible that self-sabotage plays a big role in that struggle, as my sub-conciousness only knows misery.
I think cheat days are good for strict diets because you are still eating healthy most of the time without the unhappiness that comes with deprivation and you enjoy things more when you moderate it.
You're citing a 'disorder' that has been mentioned the DSM-III-R, which was published in 1987. After that, the DSM has been revised 3 times: DSM-IV (1994), DSM-IV-TR (2000) and now the DSM-5 (2013). I love your videos but this one makes your point quite irrelevant to a degree, since this isn't a real disorder that has never been adopted in the DSM apart from a mention back in 1987.
DSM-III-R? From 1987? And from the APPENDIX of the DSM-III-R at that? If it was in the appendix of the DMS, that means in 1987 they were thinking: "this might be a thing, then again maybe not." That fact that it didn't make it into (even the appendix of) the DSM-IV (1994), DSM-IV-TR (2000),or DSM 5.0 (2013) means that there never has been enough research to justify it being a thing. It was only ever a collection of criteria that someone cobbled together that ended up not going anywhere because the construct ended up not being useful enough. Also, the specific criteria better fit traits of several Cluster C and Cluster B personality disorders of the DSM 5.0, and for which evidence-based treatments have resulted.
Ugh, one time I helped my friend with homework via text messages. I practically wrote it for her in bullet points, SHE LITERALLY JUST HAD TO COPY THEM DOWN AND ADD A FEW FILLER WORDS TO MAKE THEM COHERENT SENTENCES! It was better written than mine was (I gave her the better written one because if she didn’t do well on this homework she’d get detention, but I’m a good student and the teacher would pay little mind to mine being below my usual quality of work). What a surprise it is the next day when she told me she forgot to copy it down! I added the best bit to mine and she got a detention... I now offer the minimum amount of help (mainly an explanation of what to do) and save the better work for myself. I don’t hold any grudge, she was busy and truly didn’t have time, but damn, was I pissed at the time. 😂
Your videos are some of the best content on RUclips, really informative and well thought out. Great job researching and presentating this in such an easily relatable and digestible format. #everyoneshouldwatchthese
It’s interesting how this dovetails with but also diverges from compulsive avoidance. I have the latter, I do often have to get texted by people first. But I’m not deliberately going “well I’ll see how long it takes them”, I’m going “oh crap I hope I can get over the mental inertia to initiate something, before they do it first”. That’s like, almost the opposite sentiment. Interesting.
Wow! Second time one of your videos has made me emotional. First one was when you explained the Rape of Nanking. That was intense! Anyway, I related so much to most of this. For starters, I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, so there's that. But I also basically thrive on self-deprecating humour, and I turn down any invitation to do anything outside of work and church. Heck, I even begged my boss to let me work Thanksgiving because three different friends wanted me to spend it with their family. Most recently was the other night at work. There's this girl who a few people said liked me. Well, last night she made it known to me, saying that it was because everyone she asked said I was the nicest person there, and I immediately switched and became a jerk to her, just to change her mind. She now hates me. I felt really guilty about it, and had an anxiety attack when I got home, but I didn't know how to handle someone liking me. It doesn't happen very often...
the problem is i've written/crammed for tests before and was still able to get the job done, sometimes I even do better since the added pressure of time makes me more motivated, so now I have this justification for procrastination
OMG insight! Happiness is - fleeting and scary. Unhappiness is - solidity, always there for you. Like depression - it's "comfortable," and can be unshakeable, intractable. This is how the depression rut gets a default setting. Well done, I Know Better now.
the worst of all is knowing all this the instant you're procrastinating, and start analyzing yourself and beating yourself down over all the other stuff you did to sabotage yourself, and start panicking about that deadline, and decide to have a picnic instead but its the middle of the night .... and decide to sleep and wake up early to tackle all your tasks with a clear well rested mind (this lie actually works sometimes) but can't sleep while rewinding every bad decision you made this week .. then get angry over yourself for not letting you sleep, and decide to get revenge by watching videos on youtube, that'll teach him ! Thanks man
I was procrastinating and fucking myself up before watching this video by playing Destiny 2. I watched it, had an epiphany and did what I had to do before continuing to play. Thanks man.
I suppose some may have this problem you identified, but I feel that the reason for procrastinating on things is more often avoidance of the anxiety of preparation. Preparation naturally brings anxiety because the goal of preparing is so that things turn out WELL and NOT BAD. Thus, preparation forces one to FACE the anxiety and anticipation of current decisions and future performance that may lead to a GOOD or BAD result. I think we are all naturally afraid of doing badly (or, say, ruining an already-good reputation), so the longer we have to deal with that anxiety, the more toll it takes. Thus the tendency to avoid stressful preparation. Watching or playing something else doesn't give an excuse, it just takes one's mind off impending troubles. Forgetting, rather than forgiving, if you will. An important lesson to learn is, to face trouble head-on because it reduces long-term anxiety. Having a long-term view, not short-term, is key. Honestly, prepration does cause a long period of stress, maybe a few hours or days straight, and that takes PRACTICE to deal with. To deal with stressful situations in progressive baby steps, and increase one's immunity to anxiety. (Think Wesley's immunity to iocane powder. Took a few years, but worth it!) The comfy 'staying at sad' you mentioned can, with this practiced change of view, become a 'staying at happy', by not letting stress get you down! By swallowing it whole, taking it in stride! Plus, in the meantime you'll be giving good, well-practiced presentations, a source of happiness to yourself and many people! Summary: It's a problem of handling anxiety, not of having self-respect. I don't mean to disrespect those with genuine lack of self-respect, my heart goes out to them. I also don't mean to ignore the view that happiness can be shallow, while seriousness can be deep; that's a fine point that is sometimes twisted to joyless ends. But IF one's trouble IS actually habitual and fixable, let's not label it as one's own pathology, but acknowledge it and fix it!
I didn't realize that other people are like that. Only when I'm with friends I'm happy. When I'm with family I'm more nervous and I try not to have a good time. It's just like he says about the people perfering to stay sad rather than becoming sad.
I've recently noticed that *good" has been removed from my immediate circle of friends and family. It goes like this: it was okay, not bad, meh, alright ... Pretty much never commiting to actually liking anything.
We had a term "Belt depression" in Karate. When you reach a new grade and "go up a level" you don't know how to be proud and happy about the darker belt you achieved. Instead you feel like an imposter and a fraud for carrying a darker belt than just yesterday. You have not changed, but you used to look up to people with darker belts and now carrying that same grade feels wrong.
During college I had a terrible habit of waiting until the night before to write all my essays. I even wrote a 20 page term paper in one night! The most I would ever do beforehand was outline the essay or do some research. Basically the bare minimum. Why did I keep doing it? Two reasons. One, somehow my essays still got passing grades (sometimes even an A) so I became pretty good at speedrunning essays. Two, I found it extremely difficult to concentrate on something unless there was impending doom of a deadline. This would even happen on subjects that I was very interested in. Essays also made me very stressed. Cramming everything last minute meant I only had to be stressed for a short 24 or 48 hour period and then it would be over. Opposed to being stressed about it for a month, or a few weeks.
I keep flying from business idea to business idea because Im terrified of actually spending money on something that may fail. Yet every day I lament having to be some place at a certain time because someone else said so. Ive felt this way for at least a few years, but I just keep using youtube, video games, ect. as a way to "unwind" after work, then "oops! Its too late to start working on this idea now, I have to go to bed soon!"
How have you self-handicapped in the past?
KnowingBetter Doing it right now. Should be making a video but I'm watching this one. It's all your fault.
Is there a difference between self handicap and procrastination or are they the same?
Procrastination can be a form a self-handicap. If you use it as an excuse for why you didn't get a good grade or whatnot.
When I first became a teacher, I spent hours late into the night making minor tweaks and improvements to lessons.
I would then be exhausted and do a bad job of running the class and communicating with students but I had given myself the excuse that I was working really, really hard so that I could never be blamed for teaching a bad lesson.
Ate a big bag of gummy bears before the cross country state final...
Telling the hero your evil plan and leaving him alone to die without confirming he is dead.
guycxz gold medal for this joke
I can't help it, it's in the script for this stupid movie.
Knocking down the bad guy, then focusing on the victim, giving the bad guy the opportunity to get a weapon again ... and again ...
Just evil monolaging in general lol
Leaving the final boss alive because you don't want to become like them despite the fact you had no qualms killing hordes of their henchmen just so they can threaten you and a your loved ones
I feel personaly attacked by this video. I'm gonna go comfort myself by watching minecraft lets plays.
I'm self-sabotaging by watching this video
@@eclogite Same here.
Im gonna go comfort myself with some Destiny 2. Lol
Yo, I watch MC too. Dream? Lmao.
I just felt this man speaking directly throughout the entire video
Supposed to be writing a paper, but I'm watching a video on self sabotage instead.
Same!
I triple that notion.
Self ception
M E T A
Quad
I was severely depressed for a very long time. It becomes part of your self-perception. I wouldn't call it comforting, but rather say that taking risks and doing "what you're supposed to" is incredibly discomforting. You feel anxious constantly until you just leave it behind and let it fall apart. Then you don't feel anxious any more. Free.
And then a month later you realized you were much happier being anxious.
The reason I can't get out of bed easily is not because I don't want to blame my time management skills. I don't have time management skills. It's because the bed is comforting. I used to show up for work 20 minutes late every day. Because the bed is comforting. Not because I was re-enacting a failure to show up on time; It was just that the only thing that actually got me out of bed was a feeling that I'm definitely too late and I have to get out.
It's legit hard to get out of bed in the morning if you get absolutely nothing out of life. ;)
Concretely...
I have left a lot of online communities (in MMO's) where I was really fitting in because I kept getting anxious about losing my place in those communities. Like, what would happen when they all realized I was boring?
And this was a time when online communities were my only social contacts.
I've done this so many times, and regretted it every single time, and I wound up just playing singleplayer games instead of trying to meet people online.
When you're dealing with serious depression and psychogenic pain, you may just not have the strength to have a perceived risk hanging over your head, waiting to somehow make your life even worse.
For a mentally healthy person, self-sabotage is a mistake. For a mentally ill person, it may be the only choice they have.
Emil Sørensen
I completely understand where you're coming from. I spent a good decade in that dark, lonely pit.
I know it's not worth a damn, but I hope you're feeling better these days.
Emil Sørensen: it took me years to realize that my crippling anxiety was no longer useful for self protection. Years to realize I held onto that shell and defined myself in this way because I was afraid if I dropped my persona other people who feel disjointed at the shift, or like I was abandoning my ‘true’ self. Fake it til you make it sounds superficial or laughable, though from my experience it truly is a great therapy to normalize behaviors that you want to adopt. Hang in there bro
Getting out of bed is literally the hardest thing i do on a daily basis
I understand how you feel. I myself do the same thing and if I get behind I feel very discouraged and in my mind I feel like: shit I failed, that is it for today, I will do it tommorow.
Thank you man!
ive had problems with this for ages. I've never spoken about it to anyone but this video inspired me to seek help. I didn't know that the problem wasn't me just being lazy. Turns out i have some stuff to work on and there is help I can get!
All the best!
I had similar experience 10 years ago and I'm struggling with it upto this point without even knowing that's the problem. You are not alone bro.
I will try to seek help hope you get better too🙂
You can tell this is legitimate because the blame is still being pushed unto the syndrome
Did you end up finding help? Been struggling with self sabotage for my entire life and I've pretty much given up at this point.
Talk to a psychiatrist. I mustered up the courage and it is helping. it's hard but im making progress.
man. i know right?
Why is this so relatable? I should be concerned with myself.
I'm currently self sabotaging my presentation by watching this vid, lit lmao
Im self sabotaging by replying to the above comment
You're not the only one buddy
Many of us can relate to some if not all things said in this video, but only if all the symptoms are pronounced and you have all 5 of them you have reason for consern, if not I wouldn't worry, your normal.
@@rejectrealism omg i just realised how sad i was :(
I should be finishing my homework.
Did you do it?
@@guilhermesiebeneichler1663you're a year late
I should be starting
0
Did you finish
So I need to destroy my self-image to get better at studying?
LSD
*wink wink nudge nudge*
no, you just need to be honest about which excuses are valid and which are lame and stupid
Not at all. I have completely destroyed my self-image, call myself a POS (and believe that with every ounce of my being, whatever that means), yet I have taught myself organic chemistry, Chinese (Mandarin with simplified hanzi if you want specifics), French, Spanish, PDE's, medical science, and Java but put it all off as just me being bored. People constantly tell me I can do better in life and sometimes even present opportunities to do so and I will throw it back in their face. Objectively, I know I can do better but misery is comforting so nothing comes of it. My point here is that you can be awesome at studying just because of who you are, yet if you hate yourself to the point of drinking and smoking yourself to death but being too much of a wimp to pull that trigger, no amount of studying will help. Keep your self-image, just be more honest with yourself and learn time budgeting better.
+anonymous daphne Perhaps the self hatred is merely a cognitive dissonance. Perhaps subconsciously or intuitively you know "we're" not supposed to live like this. Unnaturally, self-deceptively, culturally self-degraded, and fake. So you compensate with knowledge. To obscure the fact, from yourself, your family, your peers, and your future self - that you possessed this knowledge all along and it makes you so vulnerable. So unalike. So ineffective. So truthful. Fighting knowledge with knowledge. Fire with inferno.Maybe that's why other's don't seek knowledge as you do. Maybe they intuitively know it too, and you're just like them. Just as capable of denying love as anyone. Thus, escalation to fighting self with self. Thus worthy.
Markus Aldawn My self-image is already -1000/10
I've hated being happy since I was 10, which I knew was weird but didn't know why I did it. When you said that happiness is fleeting and scary but sadness is always and comforting it clicked. Thank you for the video.
That sounds similar to my experience; I always have an emotional crash after elation, so it's easier for me to stay emotionally neutral or negative.
@@slappy8941 Thank you. This sounds relatable. After every enjoyable event I feel so down, because it's over and ask myself if it is even worth persuing enjoyment at all.
Y'all sound like kotomine kirei from fate
Interesting stuff. The same happened to me a few months before turning 10 in the 4th grade
"Happiness is uncertain, depression is forever." Beautiful 😂😂😂
IHE. Solid choice.
The cinema sins gag always gets me.
it's funnier than actual CinemaSins
My mind is blown. He describes my life to a point. I need to get a grip. Than you
remember not to grip sandpaper tho :>
Haha
Oof, a couple of these hit a little close to home.
Then you dont have it.
All of them hit close. Holy shit this is blowing me away. WTF I feel so uneasy right now.
I watched this video while procrastinating
Seriously this video hit close to home. I've had some health issue and failed my semester due to big lack of attendance (or maybe I am just using health issue to justify the fact I didn't study enough/ or maybe I made myself sick to be more comfortable in case of failure (which is what happend)). Last year I actually achieved the diploma that allowed me to go to college but I never took it like a win and always said that everyone could do it.
I thought I should see a specialist but I didn't feel like I have the right to be depressed because my family is always behind me to help me and make my life easier. I guess I will take an appointment. it can't hurt anyway :)
Over the course of five years I have effectively destroyed my life this way. Took a course that was too high for my level of knowledge (twice), procrastinated in an attempt to cope with coursework stress. Put myself in debt trying to help others (despite the fact that there was nothing permanent I could have done) and now here I am with a huge assignment and only a few days to do it but still on RUclips watching a string of videos.
I think your video explains the broad concept quite well an highlights the cause in a way that help find the solution. Thank you.
This episode speaks directly to me. Not that I have a diagnosis or anything, and didn't even know it was a condition before the video, but I certainly struggle with it heavily.
I did really relate to the analogy of the roller coaster, and it made me realize a connection between this and my religion. I started studying Buddhism some years back, and found that it worked really well for me. The Zoloft doesn't hurt either, but that's kinda beside the point. I found that the best way to deal with the roller coaster wasn't to shoot for, and appreciate the highs, so much as to try to get off the roller coaster all together. It's much harder to spiral down from ground level, ya know? Not that I've given up happiness or anything, but when I say high, I don't just mean a little excited, hopeful, or in love. I mean the way a drug would make you high. Where there's just so far to fall if you misstep. I just never really go all in on emotions because the risk is too high, and there's never ever no crash at all.
Thank you for this.
I bet on losing dogs.
Not a joke, but rather a Mitski song.
I know they’re losing but I pay for my place by the ring...
Awwwwww cute puppies
I have this and recently talked to my physician for help. I start my meds this week, let's hope I can finally function like a normal person.
JointedSpagel: congrats! I’m seeing the doctor next week to try chantix (medicine that blocks out the pleasure response from smoking). I’ve heard only cold turkey works, though I’m confident this time it will be different than the other times I quit.
Great video. Lots of introspection coming my way. I'm fairly self-deprecating and I feel like it became my way of fighting off legitimate bullies when I was a kid. Eventually I got some confidence in High School and I just ignored them, but I've always considered self-deprecation as a legitimate and healthy way of deflecting bullies, so much so that I've considered it good advice to give a (read: my own, potentially future) child. I'm now reconsidering it.
"It's better to be the class clown then the class hobo"
- One of the many useless quotes that potentially keep popping up and never getting used in a very clearly stable person
Interesting, I do a lot of these things, I just thought that this was just being really humble and kind.
This is my entire existence. I'm actually AFRAID of success, pleasure, and feeling rested. It's like all the "normal" wiring just got completely reversed. I've even deliberately done bad things, just to mitigate any good I might accidentally achieve. I wish there was some help.
This eloquently described a set of actions and feeling which I have had for a long time, without understanding them this well.
All i can say is that with how much happiness i feel just from having a normal day
I don't think i'll ever be able to truly relate to these kinds of people, but i guess that's just part of the divide that disorders cause
I really disagree with you dismissing a cheat day. As long as you don't go overboard, or have the too often, they are a good way to keep you motivated on a diet. They can even give you something to look forward to or "earn". I made a lot of progress on a diet where I had a cheat day. Lost 80 pounds and I haven't put it back on.
Cheat days are dismissed because *most* people that do cheat days eat _so much_ on their cheat days, that they make the rest of the diet pointless.
Doesn't really matter if you spend most of the week on an 300kcal deficit, if on your cheat day you eat 5000kcal of saturated fats and sugar.
If you have the self-discipline to stick to a diet and stay disciplined even on your cheat day, you most likely could've done it without the cheat day as well.
Not necessarily, there's a reason we love fat and sugar, it's how our minds are biologically programmed by evolution. The denser a food is in carbs, the more desirable it should be, because it's the kind of food that'll most easily help us survive and thrive.
As a result foods that we love and crave will often be "unhealthy", especially when you're on a diet, so having a cheat day is acknowledging that we biologically will have those cravings.
The problem however is discipline. Definitely not everyone, but a lot of people that need a diet need one because they lack discipline with food. Because that's why they're overweight in the first place. So as I said above, when most people on a diet have a "cheat day", they feel like it's okay to let go of all discipline and eat what they want and end up eating so many calories that day, that it completely nullifies any deficit they suffered through in the week before.
Like +raney150 said, if you do it properly, you can totally have cheat days while losing weight. You just have to still eat a normal amount.
eating healthy is in fact not as desirable as eating junk.
bodying dummies - Why would you follow a keto diet if you're going to kick your body out of keto every weekend. That sounds like just about the worst idea.
+bodying dummies - But why would you? It's not good for your body to get kicked in and out of ketosis constantly. Why do you think you felt so shit every time?
It’s like you described my whole family
I was down this road and realized I didn’t have to and didn’t want to live this way
Took my whole 20s to change and now I love my life and help others!
I’m talking about self defeating
Oh I’m pretty good at self deprecation! It seems that it’s more common now than even 15 years ago
Cause: social media? Increase in entrepreneurship?
I've self-sabotaged my love life for YEARS by only being attracted to unavailable people. I know I do it, and I'd like to change that, but I don't know how. But this video was very accurate!
Why doesn't this have 40 joke replies of people "offering their services"?
Self sacrifice one real af
Took blame for mistakes, offer to take the worst tasks at work, offer to do extra work, give away a bit too much money that I actually kinda needed
I don't think I will know better but that was good to hear.
As in that's not gonna change my self destructive behaviour in any way but it was an interesting insight.
You are such a straightforward dude and I love it. Thanks for your honest humanity; so refreshing.
The real self sabotage is playing destiny
Yup, I still do it. Too much admittedly
this video really changed my outlook and self-talk in a way i honestly cant articulate well enough to do it justice. This is an excellent video, thanks for posting.
Ah man. I have definitely doubted my ability to do something I had already successfully done before. Happened in a statistics class where I almost didnt turn in an assignment because I thought I wouldn't do well. but then I remembered that I had done well in the class and idk how I convinced myself this assignment was going to be different.
I have also done the thing where I do something wrong and turn myself in even when i could have gotten away with it or it wasnt even a big deal. once it happened when I was at basic and told the drill sergeant something i had done wrong and he just looked at me and said "Its really not that big of deal and if you hadn't told me I would have never found out."
i just stood there and didnt know what to say. it didnt even occur to me how silly I was being.
The benefit of dobbing yourself in is that when you later make claims that you didn't do something else, they will believe you
FuNot FuMe today I learned what the word dobbing means. ✌🏻 and I think you're right.
Just wanna say, I started watching you yesterday, and I really enjoy the channel. You seem honest, and that's important, especially in today's world. Keep up the good work.
like I knew I was a masochist in bed but apparently that bed is also a metaphor for literally every aspect of my life, to a degree of 8, out of 8.
I just finished my first semester of college with a 4.0, but I don’t know how. I work half time and do all schoolwork the night before. I go into quizzes, tests and exams usually with around 4 hours of sleep. Also, I am involved with 5 student organizations. I look like a model student, but I am constantly stressed
You're fucking smart bruv. Hold your head as high as it goes and BASK. But seriously, as someone who's seen plenty of burnouts, don't push too hard for yourself to take. If you can do it, and like doing it, and feel good doing, then do it and let yourself know that you actually are special. Not the "everyone is special" kinda deal - no, you are special and honestly, sincerely, truly better than many many people, and you should enjoy this gift and be humbled by it. If you can't do it, then that's fine - going balistic on things doesn't make you better. Life is the longest marathon and you need to pace yourself otherwise you will BREAK, and needing to do so is fine. You HAVE to do what needs to be done, it's in the name - if you HAVE to rest to feel okay enough to know you can keep it up, then it is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO NOT REST.
I read this comment and wondered if you had read my mind or something. I've heard from my peers that feeling this way is quite common though. I was accepted into an elite research program (no flex 🤪) and people were pretty jealous but for no good reason because I felt like absolute garbage the whole year. Similar to you, I only slept a few hours each night and stopped taking care of myself. Unfortunately I ended with a 3.9 😆😆😆😆😆😋😋😋😋🤯. Good luck with the rest of college (if that's what you decide to do).
Wow you really sabotaged your video
Also Casually Explained is seriously self-depreciating.
Or acts seriously self-depricating for comedic value. Probably both.
Felix Maier he most have a sad life :)
I'm pretty sure he's legit depressed a lot. It's hard to imagine him being so good at expressing those dark feelings, even while making them light-hearted, if he didn't feel them.
This is hands-down the most underrated video on the entire channel
i've been reading an almost-30-year-old book called _self-defeating behavior_ this summer... breaks it down fairly well
I love the extended range of subjects you talk about. Cheers from Brazil
Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about! I really am brain dead.
pineapples on your head
The fact that I have related (AND STILL RELATE) to this video so much more than I could ever admit to myself is kind of amazing.
I feel like I'm being personally attacked listening to these symptoms
Tbh,I kind of have this...
sometimes when I think of having a better life,having a girlfriend or being more active,I tend to feel some kind of fear,because meanwhile being happy is something that I don't know how it is,or how to handle it,being a loser is something more comfortable,I know how to deal with it,how to cope with,so I tend to maintain all of my unhealthy habits.
this hurts
This actually pleases me.
good 2 know
this video hits hard and I think I need to watch it a dozen times in a row to properly absorb it
hi! why did you quote the DSM 3 instead of the more recent one? I know the 5 is controversial but 4 is fine AFAIK
Because Self-Defeating Personality Disorder was excluded from DSV IV and lumped into "Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified"
KnowingBetter .oh right, i should have checked that before commenting...
thanks for the response. love your video.
I have a long term physical illness which comes and goes in periods, sometimes I overwork myself knowing I will get sick for the next few days, but that way i got sick by doing something important instead of getting sick when its out of my control.
I didn't realise this until watching this video, now I'll keep that in mind. (And probably still do it sometimes because it is comforting.....)
Is there any reason why you're using DSM-III-R instead of DSM-5?
Michael Spyridon Self-Defeating Personality Disorder, which the video is primarily based upon, was excluded from the DSM-4 and 5
I have done this for most of my life. When unhappy, I self medicate by buying myself something pretty, knowing or ignoring that I can not afford it. Happiness is fleeting, but you can buy yourself the over price vehicle and drive up real close to it.
I don’t know if it’s that I have that disorder or if it’s a part of bipolar disorder.
Most likely a side effect of Bipolar Disorder.
Borderline personality disorder gang here
An excellent video as always. I would submit that some of these traits some of the time is totally normal. Self-deprecating humor while it can be a shield, it can also be disarming to others. Procrastination to a point (at least for me) gets me going and pumped up. It's all about gradients and harm done
Like what I'm doing right now by watching this RUclips video instead of studying. Oy!
So I've been a fan and subscriber of your channel for a while, and I've watched most of your videos multiple times. That being said, it took me over a year to build up the courage to watch this video because of how terrified I was that I would see myself reflected in it. Tonight I had an eff-it moment and decided to watch it. And I'm glad I did. I certainly recognized myself in the video in the ways I was afraid I would. Yet, surprisingly, it brought me comfort rather than anxiety. I'm hoping that, going forward, I can use it to be mindful of when I may be entering a self-destructive space and how to respond accordingly. Thank you so much for this video. It's been a very long time since I've felt so connected to a topic.
impostor syndrome?!?!! 🆘 🆘
I totally stayed up all night playing co-op video games with friends the night before my last final, one year. I did horribly, but so did my friends, and that comforted me.
Damn, a lot of this was eerily accurate. :/
Super glad that your channel is growing so fast. After all these great videos, you deserve it
“Wanna go see the emoji movie? Wanna go see it? See wasn’t that fun?”
“I guess”
Maybe they just don’t like horror movies?
I had a crush on her long enough. And all her friends and mine knew it. The smiles and stuff were positive and I didn't make a move. *DIDN'T* Even acted like I don't care anymore but I can't keep her out of my head.
This puts stuff in perspective.
I *Want* this!!!!
Hell yeah, I do this all the time. It’s better to fail under constraints within your control, rather than trying your best only to fall short.
Hell yeah!
I am plagued by chronic depression since I was 11 (my parents got divorced in a very bad way) and I am 38 now...
Being unhappy has been my mode of operation for as long as I can remember. I am trying to get out of it for over 10 years now with limited success. It is well possible that self-sabotage plays a big role in that struggle, as my sub-conciousness only knows misery.
I think cheat days are good for strict diets because you are still eating healthy most of the time without the unhappiness that comes with deprivation and you enjoy things more when you moderate it.
Yeah, eating unhealthily on Christmas isn't that bad, if it isn't the norm.
"I miss the comfort in being sad"
You're citing a 'disorder' that has been mentioned the DSM-III-R, which was published in 1987.
After that, the DSM has been revised 3 times: DSM-IV (1994), DSM-IV-TR (2000) and now the DSM-5 (2013).
I love your videos but this one makes your point quite irrelevant to a degree, since this isn't a real disorder that has never been adopted in the DSM apart from a mention back in 1987.
"Incites angry or rejecting responses from others and then feels hurt, defeated, or humiliated". Would love for this to be dove into a little deeper.
DSM-III-R? From 1987? And from the APPENDIX of the DSM-III-R at that? If it was in the appendix of the DMS, that means in 1987 they were thinking: "this might be a thing, then again maybe not." That fact that it didn't make it into (even the appendix of) the DSM-IV (1994), DSM-IV-TR (2000),or DSM 5.0 (2013) means that there never has been enough research to justify it being a thing. It was only ever a collection of criteria that someone cobbled together that ended up not going anywhere because the construct ended up not being useful enough. Also, the specific criteria better fit traits of several Cluster C and Cluster B personality disorders of the DSM 5.0, and for which evidence-based treatments have resulted.
He has answered questions as to why he used DSM III. Look through other comments
Ugh, one time I helped my friend with homework via text messages. I practically wrote it for her in bullet points, SHE LITERALLY JUST HAD TO COPY THEM DOWN AND ADD A FEW FILLER WORDS TO MAKE THEM COHERENT SENTENCES! It was better written than mine was (I gave her the better written one because if she didn’t do well on this homework she’d get detention, but I’m a good student and the teacher would pay little mind to mine being below my usual quality of work). What a surprise it is the next day when she told me she forgot to copy it down! I added the best bit to mine and she got a detention... I now offer the minimum amount of help (mainly an explanation of what to do) and save the better work for myself.
I don’t hold any grudge, she was busy and truly didn’t have time, but damn, was I pissed at the time. 😂
Your videos are some of the best content on RUclips, really informative and well thought out. Great job researching and presentating this in such an easily relatable and digestible format. #everyoneshouldwatchthese
Showing my pain with his palms
Explaining my life with his words
Killing me softly with his vid
You explain incredibly important and sensitive topics incredibly well
Great Work
It’s interesting how this dovetails with but also diverges from compulsive avoidance. I have the latter, I do often have to get texted by people first. But I’m not deliberately going “well I’ll see how long it takes them”, I’m going “oh crap I hope I can get over the mental inertia to initiate something, before they do it first”. That’s like, almost the opposite sentiment. Interesting.
Wow! Second time one of your videos has made me emotional. First one was when you explained the Rape of Nanking. That was intense!
Anyway, I related so much to most of this. For starters, I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, so there's that. But I also basically thrive on self-deprecating humour, and I turn down any invitation to do anything outside of work and church. Heck, I even begged my boss to let me work Thanksgiving because three different friends wanted me to spend it with their family.
Most recently was the other night at work. There's this girl who a few people said liked me. Well, last night she made it known to me, saying that it was because everyone she asked said I was the nicest person there, and I immediately switched and became a jerk to her, just to change her mind. She now hates me. I felt really guilty about it, and had an anxiety attack when I got home, but I didn't know how to handle someone liking me. It doesn't happen very often...
I'll know better, but that doesent mean I'll do better
the problem is i've written/crammed for tests before and was still able to get the job done, sometimes I even do better since the added pressure of time makes me more motivated, so now I have this justification for procrastination
knowing better is the naem...best thing that ever happened was finding this channel
Lmao I have a paper due tomorrow and am watching this instead of finishing it
OMG insight! Happiness is - fleeting and scary. Unhappiness is - solidity, always there for you. Like depression - it's "comfortable," and can be unshakeable, intractable. This is how the depression rut gets a default setting. Well done, I Know Better now.
the worst of all is knowing all this the instant you're procrastinating, and start analyzing yourself and beating yourself down over all the other stuff you did to sabotage yourself, and start panicking about that deadline, and decide to have a picnic instead but its the middle of the night .... and decide to sleep and wake up early to tackle all your tasks with a clear well rested mind (this lie actually works sometimes) but can't sleep while rewinding every bad decision you made this week .. then get angry over yourself for not letting you sleep, and decide to get revenge by watching videos on youtube, that'll teach him ! Thanks man
I was procrastinating and fucking myself up before watching this video by playing Destiny 2. I watched it, had an epiphany and did what I had to do before continuing to play. Thanks man.
Yeah I'm watching this while procrastinating
a wise man beyond his age. I really dig your videos.
This video is my entire life in a nutshell. Knowing Better is my new therapist
I know why!
Because of crippling self-hatred!
I suppose some may have this problem you identified, but I feel that the reason for procrastinating on things is more often avoidance of the anxiety of preparation. Preparation naturally brings anxiety because the goal of preparing is so that things turn out WELL and NOT BAD. Thus, preparation forces one to FACE the anxiety and anticipation of current decisions and future performance that may lead to a GOOD or BAD result. I think we are all naturally afraid of doing badly (or, say, ruining an already-good reputation), so the longer we have to deal with that anxiety, the more toll it takes. Thus the tendency to avoid stressful preparation. Watching or playing something else doesn't give an excuse, it just takes one's mind off impending troubles. Forgetting, rather than forgiving, if you will.
An important lesson to learn is, to face trouble head-on because it reduces long-term anxiety. Having a long-term view, not short-term, is key. Honestly, prepration does cause a long period of stress, maybe a few hours or days straight, and that takes PRACTICE to deal with. To deal with stressful situations in progressive baby steps, and increase one's immunity to anxiety. (Think Wesley's immunity to iocane powder. Took a few years, but worth it!) The comfy 'staying at sad' you mentioned can, with this practiced change of view, become a 'staying at happy', by not letting stress get you down! By swallowing it whole, taking it in stride! Plus, in the meantime you'll be giving good, well-practiced presentations, a source of happiness to yourself and many people!
Summary: It's a problem of handling anxiety, not of having self-respect. I don't mean to disrespect those with genuine lack of self-respect, my heart goes out to them. I also don't mean to ignore the view that happiness can be shallow, while seriousness can be deep; that's a fine point that is sometimes twisted to joyless ends. But IF one's trouble IS actually habitual and fixable, let's not label it as one's own pathology, but acknowledge it and fix it!
I think I needed this tonight, time to stop watching RUclips and get a nap before my big project in a few hours.
1:02 That was basically my life when i found I hate everythings channel
That bit on self deprecation really hits home.
*_-Dispersion is forever-_*
I didn't realize that other people are like that. Only when I'm with friends I'm happy. When I'm with family I'm more nervous and I try not to have a good time. It's just like he says about the people perfering to stay sad rather than becoming sad.
This is like my favorite video of yours! All of these examples hit home Suuuuuuperrr Harrrrrddddd.
I've recently noticed that *good" has been removed from my immediate circle of friends and family. It goes like this: it was okay, not bad, meh, alright ... Pretty much never commiting to actually liking anything.
We had a term "Belt depression" in Karate. When you reach a new grade and "go up a level" you don't know how to be proud and happy about the darker belt you achieved. Instead you feel like an imposter and a fraud for carrying a darker belt than just yesterday. You have not changed, but you used to look up to people with darker belts and now carrying that same grade feels wrong.
Holy shit. Thank you for this video. Literally perfectly describes me. I had no idea.
During college I had a terrible habit of waiting until the night before to write all my essays. I even wrote a 20 page term paper in one night! The most I would ever do beforehand was outline the essay or do some research. Basically the bare minimum. Why did I keep doing it? Two reasons. One, somehow my essays still got passing grades (sometimes even an A) so I became pretty good at speedrunning essays. Two, I found it extremely difficult to concentrate on something unless there was impending doom of a deadline. This would even happen on subjects that I was very interested in. Essays also made me very stressed. Cramming everything last minute meant I only had to be stressed for a short 24 or 48 hour period and then it would be over. Opposed to being stressed about it for a month, or a few weeks.
I have never been so offended by something I 100% agree with
I've done all of these things all of my life until very recently. Great stuff what an interesting and informative video
I keep flying from business idea to business idea because Im terrified of actually spending money on something that may fail. Yet every day I lament having to be some place at a certain time because someone else said so. Ive felt this way for at least a few years, but I just keep using youtube, video games, ect. as a way to "unwind" after work, then "oops! Its too late to start working on this idea now, I have to go to bed soon!"