The other lie is "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Once someone has PTSD, it is a constant battle to not be weakened further by any and every adverse event.
So true, and it makes grief so much more complicated, especially if the PTSD comes from your childhood and family, whom you would normally turn to for support. My grief has been prolonged and exacerbated by family gaslighting and even participating in betrayal around the loss in question.
@@tradingsoftwaretutorials9231 I'm so sorry you have had to go through that. No one should endure that. I finally realized that I'm in the scapegoat role in my family, which is organized around a narcissistic parent who caused all of us cPTSD. I hope you are able to get help for your trauma.
Oh I HATE HATE HATE BEING TOLD THAT!! It brings out this weird combo of rage and complete apathy. It must be really nice to be the person who believes this to be true since if they do they've clearly never experienced anything to find that it isn't.
@@roadlesstraveled34 Being confronted with a challenge that is difficult but possible to overcome can teach you new skills and expand your comfort zone. But facing a challenge that is beyond your capacity to deal with only causes damage, especially if you face the challenge alone, or if that challenge originates with those you should reasonably expect support from.
Loss of a beloved companion animal can be a huge source of prolonged grief for someone who genuinely loves animals. Companion animals can be a person's only source of unconditional love which makes the loss extremely difficult to grieve.
I didn't realize how depressed I was until I lost my beautiful Doberman of 13 and a half years. I took her everywhere with me. I would rather stay home and be with her then to be around people. She brought me peace and joy and patience. She was the best the love of my life. Such a sweet soul. Now that she's gone I can't stop crying and it's been over a month. Everyday I wanted to die and didn't care about bathing or eating until the 3 week mark. Then I had a glimpse of hope that I might try to go on living for about a day. Then life kept slamming me down everyday. I survived those misfortunes as distractions now I'm back to my baseline of missing Hayden and crying and feeling so sad and depressed. I feel so alone in this world yet I don't want to answer the phone or be around people because all I can do is cry. No one understands my grief over a dog. I am 61 and cannot seem to bounce back from this. My dog is what kept me going. She was my pride and joy. My everything . She was my only child. I don't care what happens to me now. I have no faith in the medical profession. I tried therapy and medications in the past. Only to be held in a Looney bin on two 5150 suicide watch episodes that lasted 1 week instead of 3 days after they found out I had health insurance after I ran out of cymbalta samples that the psychiatrist gave me. No warning about discontinuing cymbalta abruptly and I wanted to kill myself. I was treated like a crazy person and locked up and give him more pills so I'm done with this profession. I don't know what to do now I still think about wanting to die then I think about getting another dog but I'm frozen and do nothing but ruminate.
Also sometimes they come back after a really long time but they're not the same as they used to be or they've even missed precious opportunities in life.
I'm the scapegoat of my narcissistic family and grieving the family I have never and a waisted life trying to fit in and loving the people who didn't accept me, seems like a never ending process.
There is no such thing as "healing" from grief. It's an emotion that you learn to live with. Some days are easier than others and it will be like that for life.
I had someone explain there is a distinction between grief (emotionally governed action) and loss (acceptance something is no longer 'ours') This helped me move on from the ongoing pain. I can be sad in recalling a person but I'm not reactive to it, anymore.
I dunno about your circumstances, but my father killed himself, and instead of helping to heal me me, my only other father figure, my brother, threw not me but my daughters to the sharks.
@@TuffBrandz So that man that passed was your Father & instead of your brother talking to you as you were grieving he ignored you & decided to somehow hurt your daughters as well? The man that passed away would have been your daughters grandfather... Right?
My husband died 14 years ago and I miss him more everyday. It doesn't go away. I am so lonely. I loved him so much. We were together 28 years. You are right.i have lost the will to live without him. His death was unexpect😅
I think unexpected death adds to the grief. That happened with me. Also how close you are to the person matters, grandparent is different than spouse/partner.
I hate that my wife died. It's only been two years. I accept her death, but i hate it! I have flashbacks daily. Mostly at night. I have friends I have fun but I miss her dearly
I understand how you feel. My husband has been gone since 2017 and things get more bearable but there still flare ups especially around important dates.
“Acknowledgement” is a much better term than “acceptance.” It seems many people urge acceptance as a way of telling others to just get on with whatever it is and to not bother others with their pain. Whatever the original valence of the word, it has acquired a dismissive and cutting edge.
My wife passed 2years ago. You made more sense to me than any grief video I have watched, and I have watched a lot of them. Just doing the best that I can, but it is still so hard. Thanks for explaining something that I am experiencing.
I lost the girl of my dreams 21 years ago, never got over it. I never felt so good, so alive with anyone else. The grief doesn't go away. All I feel is a deep sadness and loneliness. She made me feel like there's two of us making one happy whole. Now I am lost. The social world remains a strange entity... Other people are just other people. In 21 years I never connected with anyone like with her, and given that amount of time, I don't think I ever will...😢
...& that's ok🫂❤️🩹.Grief can potentially stay with us for life when it's a severe enough loss.You should be so proud of yourself for still even just being here & getting up every day💐.
I kow the video will start tomorrow. But I can only "function" with therapy and meds. My daughter passed away 14 years ago and I've got flashbacks and traumatic thoughts.
Patricia: I don't have children, so I can't imagine what you've been through. But I did suffer a different loss, and I was in the middle of it when she passed away, but I fully understand the incapacitation that comes on without medication and therapy. I wish you the absolute best. Hang in there.
The fact that you’re functioning after such a loss testifies to your strength. There’s nothing wrong with medication and therapy. You’ve found the tools that help you get through. Well done. I am so sorry for your terrible loss.
I am glad that meds and therapy helps you. For some it doesn't. I hope you're a believer, and you have the hope that you will see your daughter again. Very hard to miss her while you're living life here, and I know it's backwards for a parent to have to lose children.
@patriciags2023 My condolences and sympathies for your loss. My first daughter died at birth 27 years ago and I was never even able to hold her in my arms. And it took me almost 10 years to finish the grieving process.
Time does not heal all grief. It may become easier to live with, but from time to time it may resurface, and all the emotions felt are just as strong if not stronger than at the first.
I lost my childhood best friend at a young age. He didn’t die, he just moved away to a different state. It felt as though I lost part of myself. For context we thought we were going to get married and all that at the young age of seven. It’s been 24 years since he left and I’m still not over it.
Everything you said resonated with me. My husband died 15 years ago. I am feeling more angry and hurt just lately as I cycle back through stages of grief; and a big part of me & my hopes for the future died when he did. I knew when he died, and I know now, there will never be any "moving on" for me 😢 I feel very much an outsider wherever I go.
I lost my wife 20 years ago. I'm also dealing with what you said. I feel like an outsider wherever I go, also. Because of the grief, I never feel like I can connect with others. That somehow, my grief sets me apart and they can't understand me. Sound familiar? I'm now retired and I'm not living the life she and I worked for before she died. This adds to the sense of loss. So the grief cycle continues and seems to get worse. I too have realized that there will be no "moving on" for me either and I will most likely deal with this for the rest of my life.
I lost my daughter 4 years ago to estrangement. I lost my mind and my identity. I’m starting therapy tomorrow for coping mechanisms. I feel like I’m going from day to day as a ghost. Yes, that sums it up! I’m a ghost.
Both of mine taken with no answers over 10 years ago. I have no reason to be here anymore. I've recently become aware of Betrayal Trauma, and Complicated Grief. Losing the children went along with losing everything else necessary for survival I can't even function
@@recoveringsoul755 I understand. I’m learning to live as a ghost now. I’m not sure if you’ve gotten to that point yet. I have no other family. But I do know that there are other “ ghosts “ out there. More than likely a lot! Even if my daughter returned for reconciliation, it’s too late. The essence of who I am was destroyed. There is no more “me”. But I survive nonetheless out of spite. I no longer trust God . I only trust myself. I will survive this. And you will too!
@@connieschwarz6023 there Re some channels about it now. One is Families Divided. There's another rum by a young woman who had been alienated from her dad by her mom. I think her channel is the Alienation project or something? It's so hard not to be angry. But it's not really the child's fault. It's the other parent telling them lies about us. Sometimes I've heard of kids going back when they get in their 30's. One of mine is already there. They're hurting too because they abruptly lost their mom. I have no idea if mine are married or have children. I'm stuck in a time warp if when they were kidnapped and not knowing is the worst
@@connieschwarz6023 I tried to stop loving my kids, and I just can't. There isn't a day that passes I don't want to talk to them about something or share something with them
@Dustin_Gill I’m sorry but you are way off base here. My “ story “ as yours is lengthy I’m sure. I would turn my daughter away to protect myself. Isn’t that what you have chosen to do? My daughter’s goal was to completely destroy me. I don’t need to elaborate on the specifics. Many of our friends who know her were completely flabbergasted by her actions and decisions. You’re also linking me to your own mother who “ is so deeply and profoundly tied to her past hurts and betrayals so as to have them become her identity “ …………. Furthermore you are condemning me to a guilt trip because I have stepped away from my spiritual convictions. You must assume that I’m a “ toxic person “ 😂😂😂 Far , far from it! Mr. Gill , I also assume that you must believe that I’m biblically ignorant. Wrong again. Don’t put your heavy on me Mr. Gill . You’re barking up the wrong tree. Sincerely Connie Schwarz
Discovering your channel has been a weird experience. The topics that you choose to cover, and the experiences you share.. Makes me think either you're a stalker or the things I deal with are way more universal than I used to think. Amazing work in every way
@@DrScottEilers Lol yeah, I was like, there has to be some catch as to why his advice is so different. Maybe he’s a psychopath or something 😒 having a brain 🧠 that works differently and the psychopath’s persuasion lol- because his advice is different 🫣 but it helps 😁 It almost always the most helpful when a therapist can step outside of theory and not be trapped in 1 therapeutic approach, but rather look at mental health as a whole, and take the things that make the most sense from all disciplines, as well as develop treatments that may not be in the recognized disciplines at all.
My ex partner left me 5 years ago for another women. They are happily married and have children: He was the only person in my life. I have no friends due to high school bullying and I am estranged from my family. I still haven’t been able to date or see myself with someone else
Be the change. Go out on a date. Just do it. Don’t picture yourself with someone else. Don’t waste time. Just go out on a date with someone you’re not even into. The first one that asks on a dating site. Then, you can say you tried.
I have been watching you for the longest time Dr. Scott and I cant believe I'm only seeing this now. I lost my 14 year old son 3 years ago. It NEVER feels better 😭😭😭
It is winter and COLD. I seemed to do better in the warmth of the SUN. Being a new widow is hard. Money is tight and people do not ,"Care." I try to be Big and Brave because what choice do I have. I thank for being HONEST. I do not trust the Medical Community because of their greedy nature but, I am grateful you are here. Sincerity means alot.
I can't tell you how much I enjoy listening to your videos. You have a compassionate, concise and realistic way of explaining human nature and psychology. Thank you
Thank you for this, I go to a group for people who’ve lost someone to suicide. But I feel a lot of shame that my loss is 12 years ago, and I’m not better than I am. I’m a poster child for time NOT healing all wounds, it’s what you’ve done in that time.
You shouldn't feel shame for being more sensitive, and it could be that coupled w/ extreme circumstances of how it happened and how close they were to you. What happened that make it extra hard for you to get over it? I can recommend the testimony of Rosemary Thornton, whose husband committed suicide. It's pretty profound. People focus on how she got cured of cancer, but she always says the grief that was driving her crazy and made it so she could barely swallow food was far more profound a healing than that. Her early testimonies focus more on the grief, as she found people wanted her to get to the heaven part. I've found that a shame, because I'm far more interested in the grief part, since all my physical sufferings are far less important than chronic depression and grief (for me it's from a very cruel form of cheating and lying).
I lost my mom 29 years ago, at 16. At 45 I am still grieving her. Do not beat yourself up. The best thing we can do is show ourselves some grace and understanding. ❤ It is good to know I am not alone!
I was abused emotionally and sometimes physically since childhood. I have been grieving a lot of aspects of the abuse and how it changed me. The other day at work I was feeling angry and sad, and I knew that meant that there were unprocessed feelings coming up to the surface. After a lot of crying I feel like I am slowly moving toward acceptance.
I often grieve a childhood I never had because I was both abused physically and emotionally. I hate this ''acceptance'' I truly believe... there was a childhood for me that I just never got to have and it hurts... so bad. I don't want to accept reality. It's not going to make anything better (for me). I'm not saying we are the same, and you can absolutely disagree with me... but child abuse is literally a stolen childhood.
I’m sorry that a therapist told you to “get over it”. I’ve been told that by various doctors, therapists and others. Survivor’s guilt is real. And there’s no time limit for any kind of grief.
Maybe go into what the feeling is that bugs you most. That it is incomprehensible ? Like an unanswered question? Those naturally bother us. But often they are not really addressed. And we have many such questions and horrific events make us not pushing them away as we usually do in life. Or the memory of the actual events as such ? Shock may be stuck in system still.
long grief , it's the constant backpack I carry. It gets unpacked sometimes but tends to repack it's self. Most of us fear bringing out our fear. It’s what we do best , keeping it to ourselves.
a very close personal friend of my that I loved dearly passed away unexpectedly on Saturday October 23, 2021. I still feel the loss till this day. I do not think that I will ever get over this loss. Sometimes I just wish that I would go to sleep at night and just not wake up ever again.
I also really understand the loss of dear friends that I really loved. My spouse of 10 years cheated, and in a super dramatic way. In that he brought the girl home to befriend me, now she moved across the street to get him back. It worked, he's out. So in trying to build my life and trust back up, I reached out to 3 old friends in this area that I knew since I was 18. We all gladly reunited. One dropped me after 4 months. That's been more devastating than anything, because she lives a block away and we were super close on and off of years. The other one died this thanksgiving. One is left, and while I love and cherish her, she's the one I don't connect w/ as much. I am adjusting to the one who died. Still hard, but harder yet that even w/ death showing us that people should be precious while we have them, the one a block away still doesn't care to reunite.
Certain things can complicate grief. I have a terminal cancer and my partner was very supportive. Then he died suddenly with little warning and ten months later I still have times when I can't believe it and it 'hits' me all over again. Over all I am getting used to the idea that he is no longer physically here. But how I miss him. That's as keen as the first day.
My husband died suddenly on me after 17 years of marriage. His death devasted me. Then the horrible actions of his sister and mother upon his death added to the agony. He was an only son. Im a a totally different person now. I will always grieve over his death.😢
I have this with homesickness. I'm not sure I'm even interested in accepting where I live now, or want to "come to terms" with the fact that I can't go back. In the past, people used to believe (understand) that homesickness can be truly debilitating or even kill you.
Weird but wrote you , and then it cancelled out!! Hi Kris, Diane here. Omg! Did not know others felt this way! Dream of my area, my identity, always 😢 can't go back due to finances.20yrs later, still feel lonely and misunderstood.HORRIBLE!!
I'm a chaplian that provides classes for dealing with unresolved emotions regarding loss. You will never forget your loved one but you can feel better by looking at specific lost hopes, dreams, and expectations.
My daddy died three years ago, let's not forget how far we come. For the first time in those years I listened to "ELO"his favourite among others. I was waiting to crumble but it was kind of ok and the music was uplifting. We got to stay positive.
A profound thank you from the depth of my heart. I'm gay and I lost the love of my life of 36 years, unexpectedly, 16 years ago. At the beginning, I accepted that pain and suffering were going to be a part of my existence till I no longer exist. I thought I could deal with it all by distracting myself by doing all the things both my partner and I enjoyed when he was alive. I traveled extensively out of the country as much as in 2 months stretches. Went to different cities, museums, concerts, theatres, restaurants and all manner of cultural events. I did that for over 14 years but there wasn't a day I didn't think about him with a bit of heartache. However in the last 2 1/2 months I started feeling hopeless, intense pain and sorrow yet again like he just died--weeping when no one is around, didn't want to go out socially because I couldn't control my emotions, complete lost of sleep, waking up sobbing and wondering why I didn't just continue my slumber, never waking up ever again and just fade away. I even experienced an emergency room episode because my pain and grief had nowhere else to go except manifested through physical pain. Of course they found nothing was the matter with me after numerous tests and so I was sent home. I knew at that point I finally broke. I tried talking to friends that truly cared and listened, therapists that didn't empathize or understood what I was going through. The common comment I got was: 'Well but it's been 16 years....', implying that it was time for me to man up and get over it. I simply saw no way forward. My partner was so kind, patient, gentle and really the best part of us. The question I kept asking myself is why him instead of me, had to be taken from this world? My one and only consolation is that he was spared the pain and suffering if I were the one who died first. Until I watched this video, I felt hopeless because no explanation out there could identify what I'm going through. Most of the symptoms mentioned by Dr. Eilers matched what I'm experiencing. Now from this point onward I can start looking for someone, therapist/psychiatrist who understands this Disorder to help me. Please post more on this Disorder soon. Thank you again.
Acceptance. This week something really difficult happened (in a stream of difficult things) and I was at the point of shrieking and screaming (to myself) because I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like I couldn’t live with it, and I really wanted to take my life. I couldn’t exist in a world where this was true and I had to accept that it was. The only solution to that was for me to not exist. After sitting with myself for a while and talking to my therapist (every day - crisis period), the goal (reluctantly for me) was to stay alive. So the question was: to stay alive in a world where this is true, where I have to accept that it happened and that it was unfair and that there’s nothing I can do about it, is there anything I could do to coexist with that experience? I have to find things that would help me cope until I could accept that, me and it, are existing in the same world. The first couple days it was just pushing the memory out of my mind, because it was too triggering. And also looking at whether there were any coping skills that would genuinely help, and people I could reach out to to provide support (I didn’t necessarily have to disclose the details). This is me working towards “acceptance” i.e. me regaining the desire to live in a world where this thing actually happened to me. (Sorry this was so long. But I figured this personal experience might help someone. And btw, I haven’t fully reached acceptance yet. But I am in the middle of trying)
Thank you for this poignant disclosure. I THOUGHT i had acceptance, but recently it all blew up. Now i've had it with acceptance. I accepted the unacceptable. I know how bad that sounds. Maybe i can work through it
Words cannot express the appreciation and gratitude owed Dr Scott Eilers. Why has it taken so long for a medical professional to address these topics and illnesses? It is like they are a big secret. Something not to talk about or exists. I have always felt alone with these illnesses (mental). The number of people who suffer from many of these issues are staggering. As staggering, the number of people who can’t find and/or get real help. No question, Dr. Scott is changing the landscape of mental health care.
I definitely have this. After the initial loss, I tried to replace what I lost with similar things. I ended up losing the replacements as well. So, my loss and grief have just been building. Being unemployed to deal with my prolonged grief home alone makes it exponentially worse. Meditation and spending time in nature are nice temporary moments of relief.
My husband died 15th January 23 after looking after him for four years on my own. At 6ft 2in he had four medical conditions, rheumatoid, mouth ulcers for fifteen years, stroke, dementia... he was 85years... I expected it for those four years so had quite a grieving period..I was 70 on new years day. I've been lying on my bed for a year on my I pad great company. No Children (not by choice, ) no brothers and sisters or of course parents..I look after a neighbours dog two, three times a week. So I find it hard because the first time in my life there is no one to look after besides me.
This is still so new for you. I understand, to a degree, about not having someone to look after. My husband passed away 2 years ago this month after a short illness. He was relatively healthy before but I was always taking care of him. I didn't realize how much my life revolved around him until he was gone. This 2nd year has been harder than the 1st for me. My heart goes out to you. You've been through a lot. I'll be 69 next month. Actually, we're still young, right?
Dr Scott, Just a quick line to thank you sincerely for your channel and content. As a man, I sympathise with other men. We’re not programmed to spill our guts, we’re built to tough it out and get on with it. My grief is immense and after 10 years my life has never returned to normal. Grief is my normal. I just want to see my children again. God willing one fine day.
I lost my husband of 40 years, late last year 2023. I live in another country away from family and friends. I am alone and don't have very close friends here. It's not been a year yet and I am going through everything you have said, except anger and resentment. I don't feel those emotions. I don't resent him or feel angry, he was very ill. When he died I was in denial for a couple of months. Then it hit me. I isolated myself from family etc., over the Christmas period. Around February this year, I started to see a therapist that was recommended to me. It was ok at first. But I read people very quickly and he was clock watching and I felt he wasn't really listening. Took my money after less than an hour etc. I carried on with him for about 6 weeks but I don't think it was helping me. April and May this year, I thought I was coping and started getting things sorted and decorating where I live. Then the black cloud descended again and I've now given up. I don't take care of myself or my surroundings. Don't eat properly, drink every day, don't go out. My meds were increased a little, but I still feel the same. I've had really dark thoughts of not being alive anymore. What's the point? Everyone will carry on without me. I just can't cope with my life without my husband anymore.
I feel the same EXACTLY, (with identical experiences!) My children are busy with their live and live on the other side of the country. I don’t leave my house or even answer my phone any more and stopped my visits to a therapist( a waste) in fact it made it worse! Noice is actually painful. Can’t deal with noice especially sudden loud noise, TV, ETC! Anyways just want you to know I think there are a lot of us out there suffering alone and in silence, your not alone💔😢
i’m so glad you mentioned that grief isn’t only caused by death. my best friend i’ve ever had and my entire life is no longer allowed to see me. i don’t want to get into it too much but in short, there is not any reason other than “you both have bad mental health” but our friendship made both of us so happy and i still cry almost every day because i miss that feeling so much
13 years have passed since my fiancé died and I'm still trapped in grief and sorrow. People tell me to rebuild but I don't even have debris to build with. All I have is ashes. Honestly, I'm just waiting to die, just waiting for the clock to run out so I can be with him again.
I feel judged for still feeling the symptoms of grief for the end of my (20 year) marriage. It is still with me and although better than the first year or so - I have some bad days. I hide it a lot. I try to do things to distract myself but it comes up in the car when I’m alone or at night.
Maybe look into what it is you really miss- in your life now. My grief about a loss always came up when something else was missing in my life. In part it's also the loss of illusion when it comes to relationships and how often both parties seem so helpless in retrospect and bound to hurt each other. Grief can become a substitute to love and then it's so difficult to drop it. Love lost. Love never received or given.
I'm glad they added Grief Disorder cause I certainly have it! My Mom died of ALS. I feel I let her down as she begged me to kill her every day😢. I wish I had, she counted on me. Best friends. I let her down. Grief never abated. She was my home, my sunshine & its been nothing but a down hill slide ever since. I had a heart attack (3). I had to stay Strong for every one else. Within 5yrs, I lost my Dad, both brothers, uncle, best friend was murdered, my husband left me, etc. I broke finally. Total nervous breakdown - all by myself, all alone. Been this way over 20yrs. Like others, I feel like a ghost. I have so many great memories of her. Stms I drive by her home. Thats when I realized I had no home. She was my home. I'm only surprised that I have not committed suicide to be with her. Truly am.
I feel so alone. I lost my daughter 2.5 weeks ago.I feel like everyone wants me to be stong.I feel like i-m in shock.I keep listening to her voice messages which probably isn't healthy. I know that everyone has losses. I think i will have to get through this the best way for me.
Please don’t think you have to be strong! Fall apart if you need to. There is nothing worse than losing a child, nothing. You deserve to feel anything you need to.
Listen to voice messages. But limit yourself. How could not want to hear her voice!!!! I listen to my dad’s sometimes. So let yourself do that. But not everyday. Just once or twice a week.
Sorry for your loss. I know what you're going through. I unexpectedly lost my daughter 3 years ago and am dealing with prolonged grief. I died inside along with her, life is just not joyful anymore. I pray you will hang in there, losing a child is the worst pain one can endure. I've lost 3 brothers my parents, and my husband but the loss of my daughter has been the worst. 16:49
A year ago I lost both my parents within a month of each other. I wish people won’t try co comfort me if they don’t know what to say: time heals, life goes on, we all die , it’s part of life … thank you for this video
But you have to give them grace. Let them try. Or don’t. But I’d rather give grace. I’m sorry about your parents. I lost my dad almost a year ago. My mom is dying. Liver cancer. Maybe a year. It’s hard. It sucks. Nothing makes it not suck.
Yes. I wish people would simply just say I'm sorry and leave it at that. All the other sfuff they say is patronizing and offensive. May your parents rest in peace.🙏❤
I lost my husband of 20 years to covid two years ago. Watching your channel has been such a blessing to helping to heal my grief. Thank you for what you do.
I lost my dog a year ago. I cry every day. I look for her beloved face everywhere but she's not there. This is hell. I want to be where she is. I feel for you with all my heart ❤. Lana
@@davespencer2425 we had to let go of the best dog I've ever known, last Wednesday. I feel so lost without my Libby. I adopted her from the shelter at 8 weeks old. She was born there. She was with me through some of the toughest times; the loss of my brother and through my Guillain Barre' days. She knew me better than I know myself. I miss her sooo much!
@@davespencer2425, I'm sorry for your loss. It is hard without them. We had to let our Libby go. It was the hardest decision, but we just knew she didn't have quality of life left. Our vet knew we were struggling when we took her in, but when he asked us, within the last 24 hours, how many of that time was she ok, and we looked at each other and knew the answer was none. That really made our decision a little easier. Our girl is able to walk and run freely. I can't wait to see her again.
This video was perfectly right for me! I lost both brothers to Muscular Dystrophy many years ago. I try to honor their memories by writing about them. But I always miss them!
Sam Vaknin had a feature on this phenomenon last year. The ones responsible for this kind of trauma deserve nothing short of the cruelest punishment. I have been at the edge of taking my own life since age five and it just gets worse. The pain never stops, nothing works - even drugs - and I keep accumulating devastating life experiences. If there is a God, he'll have to beg my forgiveness.
Grief let's you know when it's done with you. I've been living my worst nightmare for over 30 years. I barely functioned for 20 of them. I still have triggers to this day. I've learned to put on my "happy face" when I'm around people, then emotionally retreat back into my depressed self. Therapy helped me understand my grief, but it didn't heal it.
This was extremely validating for me. My 11 year relationship ended this past November before my birthday. It happened abruptly overnight and I've been traumatized since and still dealing with the aftermath. It doesn't feel like I'll ever fully recover from it.
It's still fresh. Make sure it doesn't etch itself into the identity though. Treat it as passing however hurtful. It may that we make pain stay in lieu of what we lost. A substitute that blocks life. But first feel your feelings and see them for what they are when cutting through the haze after that shock. Shock as such is existentially upsetting to us.
I lost my 15 yr old son to suicide 6 years and 16 days ago. I don't say ( type) that very often, My son was my life, my entire world revolved around him. I sometimes wonder if those almost 16 years I had my son was a dream. Or I'm dead and this is my hell. He is still in every thought, I have difficulty retaining new info. I still go over should haves convos with him in my head. Everyone tells me I have to be strong, I have to keep going. Why? What for? I was recently diagnosed with Cardiomyopathy and my first thought was thank f#*k, FINALLY! I CAN BE WITH MY SON AGAIN SOONER!
I'm so sorry. Although my loss is different, I relate to your comment. My husband died ten years ago. He was my best friend, soul mate, protector, my world, and I was his. We were together for a total of about 15 years. As the years pass, it scares me as I realize that there's going to come a day when he's been gone longer than we were together. The progression of time also really messes with my mind sometimes and makes me feel like he and I were never really boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged, or husband/wife. Yet I miss him terribly every day, continue to grieve for him, and still cry for him. Thank you for posting your comment. It gives my thoughts and feelings validation. May your dear son rest in peace. I wish you peace, healing, and comfort.❤
I'm glad that you are making a distinction between different types of grief, who they lost and how a person deals with loss in general. Example: 12 months is still very early days for a parent who lost a child in traumatic circumstances. Such a person should never be diagnosed with prolonged grief disorder before much more time has passed.
Many years ago, in response to a serious illness which caused me to lose many things, not least of which was doing the hobbies i loved, i sought therapy. I already knew about the so called grief cycle and the acceptance bit. I engaged with therapy and asked my therapist what if the best i could do was to accept that i would never truly accept what happened. She had no answer for me. Which i thought was a shame. In my own way i was saying i qould never be okay with what happened, but that was okay for me. It's like therapists have a script and if you go off script, it does not compute. Sad really, because i thought it was relatively sound reasoning! Incidentally, i will never accept what happened because it will never be okay. Life can be brutal, painful and horribly unfair and as far as I'm concerned, that's not okay, either for me or anyone else affected by trauma
Time heals some wounds, but not all. I'm still dealing with something from 20 years ago. I've learned to live with it, but I don't think it will ever truly heal. I hope I'm wrong though!
Twice as long for me. I supressed it since I had to go on at the time. During Covid lock down it came back up and demanded closure. It is still bothering me a lot now, since getting closure from the other person is now too difficult. The moral of my story is don't suppress your grief. The only way out is through.
@@meagiesmuse2334 I have some things that came up since my divorce and living alone. I'll never get closure on a couple of things, since the other person is no longer living. But I've definitely gone through a grieving all over again.
"...alien stars glare mockingly at my impotence..where is my North star? ...She has risen in another hemisphere, or I have." The aneurism that took her was swift and she didn't suffer long, at least there's that; I felt her leave, tearing away and taking most of me with her as she flew away into the night. That was 9 years ago today, after nearly 23 years of contentment together. In dreams she has been with me in the home we built together, so silent and sad, so unlike herself; she wouldn't speak to answer me, as if she couldn't see or hear me,- I'm the ghost, or so it seems. "It will get better." "Think of how much you loved each other and how wonderful your life was together." "She would want you to be happy." "She'll always be with you." - Another layer of plaster platitudes at the first sign of a crack in the stone facade, no thought or willingness for holding space for the emptiness of losing the only person I ever felt truly loved by, as if life could just go on, as if nothing had changed, without her in it. Yes, she wanted me to be happy, to move on- it doesn't matter what she wanted, she's gone, and I AM profoundly alone. Memories can fade fast with no emotional soundtrack attached to them, making it difficult or impossible to sustain or draw hope from them. The same disconnect and dissociation applies to the original griefs of childhood trauma and attachment injury- I do have memories of many of those events, but feel nothing about them, or much else. All my childhood griefs had to be repressed, unfelt, unprocessed; it's still there, like all the unacceptable aspects of myself that were put away for survival's sake, buried in shallow graves, leaving only the shell. There is the connection and the real root of complicated and prolonged grief, and the way to address and (maybe?) recover from it. CBT is a waste of time, another plaster of platitudes over cracks- if cognitive awareness of the problem or stoicism solved it I wouldn't be plagued by it after all these years. Schizoid defenses don't yield to CBT, they ARE a form of CBT. "...the grains of sand that gave substance to the edifice of Resolve have rejoined all the others, drained through the hourglass into history, inviting Tomorrow to follow." Time is a thief, not a healer.
Very helpful, thank you. I sometimes have vivid or even lucid dreams of people I have lost and there is elation as if I have seen them alive again, followed by a resurgence of intense grief as the dream fades.
If wounds are perceived and processed with love, although deep and painful, they are invaluable life lessons that help us ascend the destructive ego. In my opinion this is healing, rather than everything being reset.
Yes this is so true. My mom died 10 years ago. I still can’t believe she’s gone. I think of her so often it makes me wonder how I can get over this loss.
I definitely appreciate the relationship I had with my ex-husband. I had never experienced true love, kindness, support and understanding with anyone else as I did with him. This is what makes the break up more difficult. I have been working very hard to help myself move through the grief & devastation. 🙏🙏 Thank you Dr. Scott 🙏
I could always handle break ups before. When my last 10 yrs ended w/ profound lying, cheating and betrayal, haven't been able to deal w/ that. You think there's at least love there, but apparently not.
Thank you so much for this video. I have so muchgrief inside from the loss of people, not to death but to them leaving my life when I depended on them emotionally. I just lost someone last Thurs who has been in my life almost.9 years. I lost someone this past June. If I was in a better place in my mind it maybe would be easier to deal with, but I'm not.
One of the important factors in grief is proximity: it is much easier to reduce grief if you move away from the site of where the grief occurred than if you stay in the same place physically.
@@matthewsenia1495 Definitely. I lost my house in a bushfire 21 years ago. A year ago I decided to buy a house in the same area, thinking that it would be good to live there again. But when the day came to sign contracts and I drove out there early in the morning to check one last time, I was helpless to stop the grief flooding back and was forced to renege on the purchase.
I greive the loss of my uterus. I had no idea until it was removed that it was where i felt my joy. Its been 15 years, and i feel like a shell. I cannot escape it, the loss is with me every day since i feel the emptiness within my body. I have lost the very centre of my being. A good freind died 2 weeks later, and i feel like i died with her, but i have to live on
You are the first person who has put into words how I felt after I had to have my own uterus removed. I grieved for a long time although I’d had 3 beautiful children and couldn’t have any more. I felt that I’d lost my identity for a while and it took me a long time to get over it. I do hope that you have found healing and comfort. God bless you.
Dr. Scott THANK YOU ! It’s like you’re talking directly to me. Wish there were more therapist out there like you. Sadly the therapy out there of today is archaic. 💔😪
"Most sensitive things are also important." I am in complete awe of this guy's ability to communicate - so eloquent, so inspiring, and so genuine. Man, how I wish I could speak like him. Thank you, Scott, for all the help you'll never know of. Love from London.
My husband passed away on Oct of 21, and my mom Nov of 22, I have a hard time motivating myself to do much, and I go to two bereavement meetings a week and talk to a therapist once a week, is slowly getting better, but I have to make a big effort to force myself to do much.
Your videos help me feel validated and seen in a way my family never has. That’s truly one of the biggest compliments I could give anyone ever, given how private I am about my trauma. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. -Sincerely, another human trying to figure out this painful life
I've watched my mother not really process or acknowledge her huge losses (as back in their day they just swept it under the rug) and those piled up losses that weren't dealt with still bubble under the surface & have affected her in so many ways - she is frozen and stuck in destructive patterns. If only she'd allowed herself to grieve and acknowledge the loss and accepted it all, her life could have been very different.
Your reference to taking on the clothing of someone when we've lost someone as part of grief processing...I missed that in my first listen, and that gives me a key insight into someone I'm still trying to move on from, and still care very much for. This person copied me in many many ways for periods of time, including my clothing and my cologne. Yet, they claimed to have had no feelings for me. Interesting. In some strange way, knowing that helps me realize that my interpretation of hidden feelings had some logic to it, at least.
Very helpful, l attended my father's funeral today, so true about the physical care too, parenting myself to eat healthy, take baths & go to bed earlier has helped me immeasurably in the last 3 weeks since his death which l witnessed & then had to be responsible to liaise with funeral professionals.
I've sort of felt like, when we feel the most alone - we're most like everyone else. Seems like the unwritten law of irony. My loss has been through a history of divorce and giving up. The worst divorce was almost 15 years ago. I had finally made it past 10 years with her, lost my income and it was over. Of course, more complicated than that, but that's the overview. The depth of my regret and feelings of loss increases seemingly daily...compounding my emotion. Time has passed throughout my uneventful life and as I get older my chances of happiness seem to diminish. I started a new life with someone and it started with some exciting possibilities, but chaos of adult children (2) and caring for a 93 yr old parent are driving both of us to madness. Depression and regret only increase. I truly have gotten what I deserve. I feel as though I have destroyed everyone's life involved. Thanks for listening.
Had to leave my home country as a child when parents split…life changing rta at 18….resulting in 36 surgeries over 6 years, resulting in amputation of leg. Family scapegoat/black sheep. My son committed suicide 2 years 4 months ago. He wasn’t found for over 4 days….i will never get the image out of my head. I live with chronic pain and lord knows what else. I am done. I have made plans. I wish I had the nerve to do what my son did.
Thank you sooo very much. You hit on everything. I lost my son four hrs ago, then my job due to Covid, my independence , my relationship. Grief was better and then it’s all compounded. Thank you for addressing grief in all arenas. Sometimes one more thing in life can be the last straw and that may not be a big thing. This was so good for me to hear❤
I can so relate to the one more thing just flattening you. Was trying to get myself into Christmas and managed ok. My cousin is close to my sister, and has rebuffed attempts to befriend her since I moved here. We have the dinner a presents at my sister's. So cousin comes in late w/ her usual big bag of presents. Her and my sis go over the top w/ stuff for each other, but Heidi usually gets me some weird token thing. I had to sit through the whole opening, extruciatingly long, because of all the presents her and my sister do for each other. I was the only one left out. My mom and nephew, who don't buy for her all got stuff, just not me. I couldn't even eat the Christmas leftovers we take home. Barely at for days. Wanted to end it all, again. Would have bounced w/ annoyance, but over 2 years of deep grief, nope, can't handle these things.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 it wasn’t minor at the time for you and I bet it was very hurtful - I just want you to know that what your cousin did was mean and it’s ok to be upset by that final straw. Be good to yourself ❤️
@@criticRN It was terribly hurtful. Esp. given that she's the only cousin here I grew up w/, she lives a few blocks away and rebuffs attempts at friendship. When my sis and her mom moved back, she'll drive across town for them and that's the only time I see her, w/ them. She'll call if she needs a ride from me though. I've learned to handle the rebuff, just don't know why she'd want to rub it in at Christmas. She's the only one who got cheated on, so she knows the grief I'm still trying to get over, but am still in survival mode over. Thanks for understanding. Some people can just be thick.
I belong to a grief support group. It works somewhat on along the lines of the AA principal that the advanced one helps the new one. Those who have made progress in their grief continue to attend the meetings for those new ones just now experiencing their grief. I've been part of it six years now. It helps them it helps me.
You are a revelation to me.Words are poor to describe how much I appreciate the work you do with these videos..Wish only the best for you to carry on 🙏, and all the people out there helped by you ❤
Thank you so much for this! I thought my therapist was making me worse as she cries every time i cry, and she sais she can feel my energy. But im told if she does this then she is a great therapist to help me delve deeper into those dark areas. I feel a real safe connection with her, so i will stick with her!
A really safe feeling connection is very important. A therapist that cries w/ patients is in danger of burning out. It will be interesting to see if Dr. Scott will respond to this.
@@saintejeannedarc9460Learning how to compartmentalize in a healthy nontoxic manner is 🗝️...If she can cry with her patients & feel their energy for a time to help them feel safe and heard & then RELEASE it, she'll be a true blessing in the mental health field & will likely not struggle with burnout.
Very helpful--thank you. It's only been recently that I've decided I must let go and move forward from the multiple layers of grief from various incidents that have held me down for years. Losses, hurts, rejections, disappointments--part of life. My hope is to acknowledge these things in the future and move towards a level of resiliency that I've not allowed myself in the past.
I agree. I lost my mum six months ago and I miss her more each day. No therapist should need special training to work out that the grief I feel, at 72, cannot be diminished. We lived together so I am now alone coping with chronic health issues and no one to share thoughts and experiences with. I have no one else and am unable to go out. What could a therapist do for me, really. I feel for your loss and understand the pain and hopelessness that lie behind your words🤍. Be kind to yourself and don’t think you should get over your grief. I hope that in time I may be able to re-live all the good times. Perhaps we will.
@@juliemaitland1176 I understand what you're going through. My mom passed on 9/17/2022. I was her caregiver for 5+ years. She lived with me. And was my best friend and partner in crime. Now, I'm alone with relatives and friends living out of state. Her death hit me hard, and now my chronic illness has flared up. Hopefully one day I will be able to enjoy the memories of happy times.
I lost my son 13 years ago. My grief has become worse over time, to the point I couldn’t function. My grief therapist has done more in three months than psychotherapy for five years. Not everyone is the same. Not everyone’s grief is the same. You’re fortunate not to have this disorder because each day, until I began working with my grief therapist, was an even greater hell than the day before. Sometimes, it still is. I won’t ever heal, but I’m learning to live with it.
The other lie is "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Once someone has PTSD, it is a constant battle to not be weakened further by any and every adverse event.
So true, and it makes grief so much more complicated, especially if the PTSD comes from your childhood and family, whom you would normally turn to for support. My grief has been prolonged and exacerbated by family gaslighting and even participating in betrayal around the loss in question.
@@patriciasalem3606 Yes, my family set out to destroy me (after I got PTSD), then criticised me for being defensive, which made me even worse.
@@tradingsoftwaretutorials9231 I'm so sorry you have had to go through that. No one should endure that. I finally realized that I'm in the scapegoat role in my family, which is organized around a narcissistic parent who caused all of us cPTSD. I hope you are able to get help for your trauma.
Oh I HATE HATE HATE BEING TOLD THAT!! It brings out this weird combo of rage and complete apathy. It must be really nice to be the person who believes this to be true since if they do they've clearly never experienced anything to find that it isn't.
@@roadlesstraveled34 Being confronted with a challenge that is difficult but possible to overcome can teach you new skills and expand your comfort zone. But facing a challenge that is beyond your capacity to deal with only causes damage, especially if you face the challenge alone, or if that challenge originates with those you should reasonably expect support from.
Loss of a beloved companion animal can be a huge source of prolonged grief for someone who genuinely loves animals. Companion animals can be a person's only source of unconditional love which makes the loss extremely difficult to grieve.
Excruciating soul bond to grieve over
I didn't realize how depressed I was until I lost my beautiful Doberman of 13 and a half years. I took her everywhere with me. I would rather stay home and be with her then to be around people. She brought me peace and joy and patience. She was the best the love of my life. Such a sweet soul. Now that she's gone I can't stop crying and it's been over a month. Everyday I wanted to die and didn't care about bathing or eating until the 3 week mark. Then I had a glimpse of hope that I might try to go on living for about a day. Then life kept slamming me down everyday. I survived those misfortunes as distractions now I'm back to my baseline of missing Hayden and crying and feeling so sad and depressed. I feel so alone in this world yet I don't want to answer the phone or be around people because all I can do is cry. No one understands my grief over a dog. I am 61 and cannot seem to bounce back from this. My dog is what kept me going. She was my pride and joy. My everything . She was my only child. I don't care what happens to me now.
I have no faith in the medical profession. I tried therapy and medications in the past. Only to be held in a Looney bin on two 5150 suicide watch episodes that lasted 1 week instead of 3 days after they found out I had health insurance after I ran out of cymbalta samples that the psychiatrist gave me. No warning about discontinuing cymbalta abruptly and I wanted to kill myself. I was treated like a crazy person and locked up and give him more pills so I'm done with this profession. I don't know what to do now I still think about wanting to die then I think about getting another dog but I'm frozen and do nothing but ruminate.
Time doesn’t heal. It only teaches you how to live with it. 🥺
Well said.
Too right. I live in the past deeply disturbed and cant find my way back to some semblance of normality.
@@mat41174
Losing my 30 yo daughter 7 months ago has done that to me mate .
@@mat41174 I feel the same....I suffer forever.
This
Grieving for the living is hell.
There's always hope that they will come back into your life
You know, in your heart, they won't
I understand. Too much.
Also sometimes they come back after a really long time but they're not the same as they used to be or they've even missed precious opportunities in life.
I'm the scapegoat of my narcissistic family and grieving the family I have never and a waisted life trying to fit in and loving the people who didn't accept me, seems like a never ending process.
I felt and relate to your comment.❤
Ok
The same here
There is no such thing as "healing" from grief. It's an emotion that you learn to live with. Some days are easier than others and it will be like that for life.
I had someone explain there is a distinction between grief (emotionally governed action) and loss (acceptance something is no longer 'ours')
This helped me move on from the ongoing pain. I can be sad in recalling a person but I'm not reactive to it, anymore.
I dunno about your circumstances, but my father killed himself, and instead of helping to heal me me, my only other father figure, my brother, threw not me but my daughters to the sharks.
@@TuffBrandz
But why?
@@sweetest247 I truly wish I knew.
@@TuffBrandz
So that man that passed was your Father & instead of your brother talking to you as you were grieving he ignored you & decided to somehow hurt your daughters as well? The man that passed away would have been your daughters grandfather... Right?
My husband died 14 years ago and I miss him more everyday. It doesn't go away. I am so lonely. I loved him so much. We were together 28 years. You are right.i have lost the will to live without him. His death was unexpect😅
I think unexpected death adds to the grief. That happened with me. Also how close you are to the person matters, grandparent is different than spouse/partner.
I'm praying for your comfort and fortitude of mind in the midst of the grief you are experiencing. God bless you. Amen.
I hate that my wife died. It's only been two years. I accept her death, but i hate it!
I have flashbacks daily. Mostly at night. I have friends I have fun but I miss her dearly
I hope you find some peace sir God bless you ! Sending you virtual hug 🫂 you're a good husband.
I understand how you feel. My husband has been gone since 2017 and things get more bearable but there still flare ups especially around important dates.
As I get older I am haunted by grief and prolonged grief and blame myself for almost all the losses I've had. Living hell.
“Acknowledgement” is a much better term than “acceptance.” It seems many people urge acceptance as a way of telling others to just get on with whatever it is and to not bother others with their pain. Whatever the original valence of the word, it has acquired a dismissive and cutting edge.
This is very healing for me. Thank you
My wife passed 2years ago. You made more sense to me than any grief video I have watched, and I have watched a lot of them. Just doing the best that I can, but it is still so hard. Thanks for explaining something that I am experiencing.
I lost the girl of my dreams 21 years ago, never got over it.
I never felt so good, so alive with anyone else. The grief doesn't go away. All I feel is a deep sadness and loneliness. She made me feel like there's two of us making one happy whole. Now I am lost. The social world remains a strange entity... Other people are just other people. In 21 years I never connected with anyone like with her, and given that amount of time, I don't think I ever will...😢
...& that's ok🫂❤️🩹.Grief can potentially stay with us for life when it's a severe enough loss.You should be so proud of yourself for still even just being here & getting up every day💐.
@@malwads1836 Thank you for your kindness... 🙏
I know how you feel.
I kow the video will start tomorrow. But I can only "function" with therapy and meds. My daughter passed away 14 years ago and I've got flashbacks and traumatic thoughts.
@patricia it's ok, we're all here,together, for a reason♡♡ 🙏🏻💪❤
Patricia: I don't have children, so I can't imagine what you've been through. But I did suffer a different loss, and I was in the middle of it when she passed away, but I fully understand the incapacitation that comes on without medication and therapy. I wish you the absolute best. Hang in there.
The fact that you’re functioning after such a loss testifies to your strength. There’s nothing wrong with medication and therapy. You’ve found the tools that help you get through. Well done.
I am so sorry for your terrible loss.
I am glad that meds and therapy helps you. For some it doesn't. I hope you're a believer, and you have the hope that you will see your daughter again. Very hard to miss her while you're living life here, and I know it's backwards for a parent to have to lose children.
@patriciags2023 My condolences and sympathies for your loss. My first daughter died at birth 27 years ago and I was never even able to hold her in my arms. And it took me almost 10 years to finish the grieving process.
Thank you so much for this.
I'm grieving over the loss of my most beloved soul in the whole world 😢
Good to know that I'm not alone
Time does not heal all grief. It may become easier to live with, but from time to time it may resurface, and all the emotions felt are just as strong if not stronger than at the first.
I lost my childhood best friend at a young age. He didn’t die, he just moved away to a different state. It felt as though I lost part of myself. For context we thought we were going to get married and all that at the young age of seven. It’s been 24 years since he left and I’m still not over it.
I understand that somewhat. The loss of a friend who is still living is one of my biggest as well ❤️
Everything you said resonated with me. My husband died 15 years ago. I am feeling more angry and hurt just lately as I cycle back through stages of grief; and a big part of me & my hopes for the future died when he did. I knew when he died, and I know now, there will never be any "moving on" for me 😢 I feel very much an outsider wherever I go.
I lost my wife 20 years ago. I'm also dealing with what you said.
I feel like an outsider wherever I go, also. Because of the grief, I never feel like I can connect with others. That somehow, my grief sets me apart and they can't understand me. Sound familiar?
I'm now retired and I'm not living the life she and I worked for before she died. This adds to the sense of loss. So the grief cycle continues and seems to get worse.
I too have realized that there will be no "moving on" for me either and I will most likely deal with this for the rest of my life.
I lost my daughter 4 years ago to estrangement. I lost my mind and my identity. I’m starting therapy tomorrow for coping mechanisms. I feel like I’m going from day to day as a ghost. Yes, that sums it up! I’m a ghost.
Both of mine taken with no answers over 10 years ago. I have no reason to be here anymore.
I've recently become aware of Betrayal Trauma, and Complicated Grief. Losing the children went along with losing everything else necessary for survival
I can't even function
@@recoveringsoul755 I understand. I’m learning to live as a ghost now. I’m not sure if you’ve gotten to that point yet. I have no other family. But I do know that there are other “ ghosts “ out there. More than likely a lot! Even if my daughter returned for reconciliation, it’s too late. The essence of who I am was destroyed.
There is no more “me”. But I survive nonetheless out of spite. I no longer trust God . I only trust myself. I will survive this. And you will too!
@@connieschwarz6023 there Re some channels about it now. One is Families Divided. There's another rum by a young woman who had been alienated from her dad by her mom. I think her channel is the Alienation project or something? It's so hard not to be angry. But it's not really the child's fault. It's the other parent telling them lies about us. Sometimes I've heard of kids going back when they get in their 30's. One of mine is already there. They're hurting too because they abruptly lost their mom.
I have no idea if mine are married or have children. I'm stuck in a time warp if when they were kidnapped and not knowing is the worst
@@connieschwarz6023 I tried to stop loving my kids, and I just can't. There isn't a day that passes I don't want to talk to them about something or share something with them
@Dustin_Gill I’m sorry but you are way off base here. My “ story “ as yours is lengthy I’m sure. I would turn my daughter away to protect myself. Isn’t that what you have chosen to do? My daughter’s goal was to completely destroy me. I don’t need to elaborate on the specifics. Many of our friends who know her were completely flabbergasted by her actions and decisions.
You’re also linking me to your own mother who “ is so deeply and profoundly tied to her past hurts and betrayals so as to have them become her identity “ …………. Furthermore you are condemning me to a guilt trip because I have stepped away from my spiritual convictions.
You must assume that I’m a “ toxic person “ 😂😂😂
Far , far from it!
Mr. Gill , I also assume that you must believe that I’m biblically ignorant. Wrong again.
Don’t put your heavy on me Mr. Gill . You’re barking up the wrong tree.
Sincerely
Connie Schwarz
Some times I don't have the motivation to get out of bed.
I cant get out of my room.
Some times I can't either. It's always nice to share these things with others 😌
Put a lunch cooler next to your bed. You need to stay hydrated.
Looks like a lot of here relate to this comment, myself included.😔
Me too. Me too. Its horrible.
Discovering your channel has been a weird experience. The topics that you choose to cover, and the experiences you share.. Makes me think either you're a stalker or the things I deal with are way more universal than I used to think. Amazing work in every way
It’s the second one 😂
@@DrScottEilers 😂😂
@@DrScottEilers Lol yeah, I was like, there has to be some catch as to why his advice is so different. Maybe he’s a psychopath or something 😒 having a brain 🧠 that works differently and the psychopath’s persuasion lol- because his advice is different 🫣 but it helps 😁
It almost always the most helpful when a therapist can step outside of theory and not be trapped in 1 therapeutic approach, but rather look at mental health as a whole, and take the things that make the most sense from all disciplines, as well as develop treatments that may not be in the recognized disciplines at all.
@@lovelyrainflowerfarm …a psychopath? 😒
@@caleighh6 lol yes 😉 it was a joke
My ex partner left me 5 years ago for another women. They are happily married and have children: He was the only person in my life. I have no friends due to high school bullying and I am estranged from my family. I still haven’t been able to date or see myself with someone else
Be the change. Go out on a date. Just do it. Don’t picture yourself with someone else. Don’t waste time. Just go out on a date with someone you’re not even into. The first one that asks on a dating site. Then, you can say you tried.
I'm so sorry. I really hope you are able to meet someone and have a great future with them.❤
Try to find yourself and learn to love her.
@agricolaregs yes waste people's time so you can feel better
I found love when I prayed to G-d, please don't let me die without love. Prayer was answered.
I have been watching you for the longest time Dr. Scott and I cant believe I'm only seeing this now. I lost my 14 year old son 3 years ago. It NEVER feels better 😭😭😭
I lost my son 2020 and now our beautiful dog and 1981 my six year old son and health two marriages its all too much
So sorry
It is winter and COLD. I seemed to do better in the warmth of the SUN. Being a new widow is hard. Money is tight and people do not ,"Care." I try to be Big and Brave because what choice do I have. I thank for being HONEST. I do not trust the Medical Community because of their greedy nature but, I am grateful you are here. Sincerity means alot.
I can't tell you how much I enjoy listening to your videos. You have a compassionate, concise and realistic way of explaining human nature and psychology. Thank you
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Thank you for this, I go to a group for people who’ve lost someone to suicide. But I feel a lot of shame that my loss is 12 years ago, and I’m not better than I am. I’m a poster child for time NOT healing all wounds, it’s what you’ve done in that time.
You shouldn't feel shame for being more sensitive, and it could be that coupled w/ extreme circumstances of how it happened and how close they were to you. What happened that make it extra hard for you to get over it?
I can recommend the testimony of Rosemary Thornton, whose husband committed suicide. It's pretty profound. People focus on how she got cured of cancer, but she always says the grief that was driving her crazy and made it so she could barely swallow food was far more profound a healing than that. Her early testimonies focus more on the grief, as she found people wanted her to get to the heaven part. I've found that a shame, because I'm far more interested in the grief part, since all my physical sufferings are far less important than chronic depression and grief (for me it's from a very cruel form of cheating and lying).
I lost my mom 29 years ago, at 16. At 45 I am still grieving her. Do not beat yourself up. The best thing we can do is show ourselves some grace and understanding. ❤ It is good to know I am not alone!
I have isolated
I feel a great deal of relief from those around me when I do isolate.
+1
Same here.
I was abused emotionally and sometimes physically since childhood. I have been grieving a lot of aspects of the abuse and how it changed me. The other day at work I was feeling angry and sad, and I knew that meant that there were unprocessed feelings coming up to the surface. After a lot of crying I feel like I am slowly moving toward acceptance.
I often grieve a childhood I never had because I was both abused physically and emotionally. I hate this ''acceptance'' I truly believe... there was a childhood for me that I just never got to have and it hurts... so bad. I don't want to accept reality. It's not going to make anything better (for me). I'm not saying we are the same, and you can absolutely disagree with me... but child abuse is literally a stolen childhood.
@@GorgieClarissa
So is losing two parents to death in childhood. We were robbed.
I was in a car accident in 1994. Only survivor, I can't get it out of my mind. Been told by therapist to get over it.
Those therapists should be fired!!
I’m sorry that a therapist told you to “get over it”. I’ve been told that by various doctors, therapists and others. Survivor’s guilt is real. And there’s no time limit for any kind of grief.
Wow that sucks
So sorry you’ve had such worthless therapists
Maybe go into what the feeling is that bugs you most. That it is incomprehensible ? Like an unanswered question? Those naturally bother us. But often they are not really addressed. And we have many such questions and horrific events make us not pushing them away as we usually do in life.
Or the memory of the actual events as such ?
Shock may be stuck in system still.
long grief , it's the constant backpack I carry. It gets unpacked sometimes but tends to repack it's self. Most of us fear bringing out our fear. It’s what we do best , keeping it to ourselves.
a very close personal friend of my that I loved dearly passed away unexpectedly on Saturday October 23, 2021. I still feel the loss till this day. I do not think that I will ever get over this loss. Sometimes I just wish that I would go to sleep at night and just not wake up ever again.
I'm always disappointed to wake up and face another day. Definitely get that one.
I also really understand the loss of dear friends that I really loved. My spouse of 10 years cheated, and in a super dramatic way. In that he brought the girl home to befriend me, now she moved across the street to get him back. It worked, he's out. So in trying to build my life and trust back up, I reached out to 3 old friends in this area that I knew since I was 18. We all gladly reunited. One dropped me after 4 months. That's been more devastating than anything, because she lives a block away and we were super close on and off of years. The other one died this thanksgiving. One is left, and while I love and cherish her, she's the one I don't connect w/ as much. I am adjusting to the one who died. Still hard, but harder yet that even w/ death showing us that people should be precious while we have them, the one a block away still doesn't care to reunite.
Certain things can complicate grief. I have a terminal cancer and my partner was very supportive. Then he died suddenly with little warning and ten months later I still have times when I can't believe it and it 'hits' me all over again. Over all I am getting used to the idea that he is no longer physically here. But how I miss him. That's as keen as the first day.
I am praying for your speedy recovery 🙏...also grieving from my husband's loss.
May God be with you🙏 🙏
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you find some semblance of peace 🖤🖤🖤🖤
Damn that sucks
At least he didn’t leave you intentionally?
@@Oystermato No. That's an amazing thing. I wasn't betrayed or tossed aside. It was fulfilling in the end. To be there for him.
My husband died suddenly on me after 17 years of marriage. His death devasted me. Then the horrible actions of his sister and mother upon his death added to the agony. He was an only son.
Im a a totally different person now. I will always grieve over his death.😢
I have this with homesickness. I'm not sure I'm even interested in accepting where I live now, or want to "come to terms" with the fact that I can't go back. In the past, people used to believe (understand) that homesickness can be truly debilitating or even kill you.
Going through the same thing right now. Sending you a hug....you're not alone💗
Weird but wrote you , and then it cancelled out!! Hi Kris, Diane here. Omg! Did not know others felt this way! Dream of my area, my identity, always 😢 can't go back due to finances.20yrs later, still feel lonely and misunderstood.HORRIBLE!!
I'll just say I understand this too well.
I'm a chaplian that provides classes for dealing with unresolved emotions regarding loss. You will never forget your loved one but you can feel better by looking at specific lost hopes, dreams, and expectations.
How does that help you feel better?
My daddy died three years ago, let's not forget how far we come. For the first time in those years I listened to "ELO"his favourite among others. I was waiting to crumble but it was kind of ok and the music was uplifting. We got to stay positive.
A profound thank you from the depth of my heart. I'm gay and I lost the love of my life of 36 years, unexpectedly, 16 years ago. At the beginning, I accepted that pain and suffering were going to be a part of my existence till I no longer exist. I thought I could deal with it all by distracting myself by doing all the things both my partner and I enjoyed when he was alive. I traveled extensively out of the country as much as in 2 months stretches. Went to different cities, museums, concerts, theatres, restaurants and all manner of cultural events. I did that for over 14 years but there wasn't a day I didn't think about him with a bit of heartache. However in the last 2 1/2 months I started feeling hopeless, intense pain and sorrow yet again like he just died--weeping when no one is around, didn't want to go out socially because I couldn't control my emotions, complete lost of sleep, waking up sobbing and wondering why I didn't just continue my slumber, never waking up ever again and just fade away. I even experienced an emergency room episode because my pain and grief had nowhere else to go except manifested through physical pain. Of course they found nothing was the matter with me after numerous tests and so I was sent home. I knew at that point I finally broke. I tried talking to friends that truly cared and listened, therapists that didn't empathize or understood what I was going through. The common comment I got was: 'Well but it's been 16 years....', implying that it was time for me to man up and get over it. I simply saw no way forward. My partner was so kind, patient, gentle and really the best part of us. The question I kept asking myself is why him instead of me, had to be taken from this world? My one and only consolation is that he was spared the pain and suffering if I were the one who died first. Until I watched this video, I felt hopeless because no explanation out there could identify what I'm going through. Most of the symptoms mentioned by Dr. Eilers matched what I'm experiencing. Now from this point onward I can start looking for someone, therapist/psychiatrist who understands this Disorder to help me. Please post more on this Disorder soon. Thank you again.
Acceptance. This week something really difficult happened (in a stream of difficult things) and I was at the point of shrieking and screaming (to myself) because I couldn’t take it anymore.
I felt like I couldn’t live with it, and I really wanted to take my life. I couldn’t exist in a world where this was true and I had to accept that it was. The only solution to that was for me to not exist.
After sitting with myself for a while and talking to my therapist (every day - crisis period), the goal (reluctantly for me) was to stay alive.
So the question was: to stay alive in a world where this is true, where I have to accept that it happened and that it was unfair and that there’s nothing I can do about it, is there anything I could do to coexist with that experience? I have to find things that would help me cope until I could accept that, me and it, are existing in the same world. The first couple days it was just pushing the memory out of my mind, because it was too triggering. And also looking at whether there were any coping skills that would genuinely help, and people I could reach out to to provide support (I didn’t necessarily have to disclose the details).
This is me working towards “acceptance” i.e. me regaining the desire to live in a world where this thing actually happened to me.
(Sorry this was so long. But I figured this personal experience might help someone. And btw, I haven’t fully reached acceptance yet. But I am in the middle of trying)
Thank you for this poignant disclosure. I THOUGHT i had acceptance, but recently it all blew up. Now i've had it with acceptance. I accepted the unacceptable. I know how bad that sounds. Maybe i can work through it
@@carlorizzo827 doesn’t sound bad at all.
Words cannot express the appreciation and gratitude owed Dr Scott Eilers. Why has it taken so long for a medical professional to address these topics and illnesses? It is like they are a big secret. Something not to talk about or exists. I have always felt alone with these illnesses (mental). The number of people who suffer from many of these issues are staggering. As staggering, the number of people who can’t find and/or get real help. No question, Dr. Scott is changing the landscape of mental health care.
I definitely have this. After the initial loss, I tried to replace what I lost with similar things. I ended up losing the replacements as well. So, my loss and grief have just been building. Being unemployed to deal with my prolonged grief home alone makes it exponentially worse. Meditation and spending time in nature are nice temporary moments of relief.
My husband died 15th January 23 after looking after him for four years on my own. At 6ft 2in he had four medical conditions, rheumatoid, mouth ulcers for fifteen years, stroke, dementia... he was 85years... I expected it for those four years so had quite a grieving period..I was 70 on new years day. I've been lying on my bed for a year on my I pad great company. No Children (not by choice, ) no brothers and sisters or of course parents..I look after a neighbours dog two, three times a week. So I find it hard because the first time in my life there is no one to look after besides me.
This is still so new for you. I understand, to a degree, about not having someone to look after. My husband passed away 2 years ago this month after a short illness. He was relatively healthy before but I was always taking care of him. I didn't realize how much my life revolved around him until he was gone. This 2nd year has been harder than the 1st for me. My heart goes out to you. You've been through a lot. I'll be 69 next month. Actually, we're still young, right?
My reframing of that thought is "Time doesn't heal all wounds, but all wounds take time to heal"
Very well said!
... and compassion with oneself and seeing what the wound is.
Dr Scott, Just a quick line to thank you sincerely for your channel and content.
As a man, I sympathise with other men. We’re not programmed to spill our guts, we’re built to tough it out and get on with it.
My grief is immense and after 10 years my life has never returned to normal. Grief is my normal. I just want to see my children again. God willing one fine day.
It’s been almost a year. I’m not bitter or angry. I just miss him. I cry so often. Almost every day. I cry when anyone mentions him.
I lost my husband of 40 years, late last year 2023. I live in another country away from family and friends. I am alone and don't have very close friends here. It's not been a year yet and I am going through everything you have said, except anger and resentment. I don't feel those emotions. I don't resent him or feel angry, he was very ill. When he died I was in denial for a couple of months. Then it hit me. I isolated myself from family etc., over the Christmas period. Around February this year, I started to see a therapist that was recommended to me. It was ok at first. But I read people very quickly and he was clock watching and I felt he wasn't really listening. Took my money after less than an hour etc. I carried on with him for about 6 weeks but I don't think it was helping me. April and May this year, I thought I was coping and started getting things sorted and decorating where I live. Then the black cloud descended again and I've now given up. I don't take care of myself or my surroundings. Don't eat properly, drink every day, don't go out. My meds were increased a little, but I still feel the same. I've had really dark thoughts of not being alive anymore. What's the point? Everyone will carry on without me. I just can't cope with my life without my husband anymore.
I feel the same EXACTLY, (with identical experiences!) My children are busy with their live and live on the other side of the country. I don’t leave my house or even answer my phone any more and stopped my visits to a therapist( a waste) in fact it made it worse! Noice is actually painful. Can’t deal with noice especially sudden loud noise, TV, ETC! Anyways just want you to know I think there are a lot of us out there suffering alone and in silence, your not alone💔😢
i’m so glad you mentioned that grief isn’t only caused by death. my best friend i’ve ever had and my entire life is no longer allowed to see me. i don’t want to get into it too much but in short, there is not any reason other than “you both have bad mental health” but our friendship made both of us so happy and i still cry almost every day because i miss that feeling so much
13 years have passed since my fiancé died and I'm still trapped in grief and sorrow.
People tell me to rebuild but I don't even have debris to build with. All I have is ashes. Honestly, I'm just waiting to die, just waiting for the clock to run out so I can be with him again.
I feel judged for still feeling the symptoms of grief for the end of my (20 year) marriage. It is still with me and although better than the first year or so - I have some bad days. I hide it a lot. I try to do things to distract myself but it comes up in the car when I’m alone or at night.
Maybe look into what it is you really miss- in your life now. My grief about a loss always came up when something else was missing in my life.
In part it's also the loss of illusion when it comes to relationships and how often both parties seem so helpless in retrospect and bound to hurt each other.
Grief can become a substitute to love and then it's so difficult to drop it. Love lost. Love never received or given.
I'm glad they added Grief Disorder cause I certainly have it! My Mom died of ALS. I feel I let her down as she begged me to kill her every day😢. I wish I had, she counted on me. Best friends. I let her down. Grief never abated. She was my home, my sunshine & its been nothing but a down hill slide ever since. I had a heart attack (3). I had to stay Strong for every one else. Within 5yrs, I lost my Dad, both brothers, uncle, best friend was murdered, my husband left me, etc. I broke finally. Total nervous breakdown - all by myself, all alone. Been this way over 20yrs. Like others, I feel like a ghost. I have so many great memories of her. Stms I drive by her home. Thats when I realized I had no home. She was my home. I'm only surprised that I have not committed suicide to be with her. Truly am.
I feel so alone. I lost my daughter 2.5 weeks ago.I feel like everyone wants me to be stong.I feel like i-m in shock.I keep listening to her voice messages which probably isn't healthy. I know that everyone has losses. I think i will have to get through this the best way for me.
Please don’t think you have to be strong! Fall apart if you need to. There is nothing worse than losing a child, nothing. You deserve to feel anything you need to.
Listen to voice messages. But limit yourself. How could not want to hear her voice!!!! I listen to my dad’s sometimes. So let yourself do that. But not everyday. Just once or twice a week.
I'm so sorry. May your daughter rest in peace.🙏❤
Sorry for your loss. I know what you're going through. I unexpectedly lost my daughter 3 years ago and am dealing with prolonged grief. I died inside along with her, life is just not joyful anymore. I pray you will hang in there, losing a child is the worst pain one can endure. I've lost 3 brothers my parents, and my husband but the loss of my daughter has been the worst. 16:49
@@OlgaGonzalez-k3y Olga, I'm so sorry. May your daughter rest in peace.🙏❤️🕊
A year ago I lost both my parents within a month of each other. I wish people won’t try co comfort me if they don’t know what to say: time heals, life goes on, we all die , it’s part of life … thank you for this video
But you have to give them grace. Let them try. Or don’t. But I’d rather give grace.
I’m sorry about your parents. I lost my dad almost a year ago. My mom is dying. Liver cancer. Maybe a year. It’s hard. It sucks. Nothing makes it not suck.
Yes. I wish people would simply just say I'm sorry and leave it at that. All the other sfuff they say is patronizing and offensive. May your parents rest in peace.🙏❤
I lost my husband of 20 years to covid two years ago. Watching your channel has been such a blessing to helping to heal my grief. Thank you for what you do.
I'm dealing with anticipatory grief. I have an 18 1/2 y.o. dog who is literally like my child.
I lost my dog a year ago. I cry every day. I look for her beloved face everywhere but she's not there. This is hell. I want to be where she is. I feel for you with all my heart ❤. Lana
@@davespencer2425 we had to let go of the best dog I've ever known, last Wednesday. I feel so lost without my Libby. I adopted her from the shelter at 8 weeks old. She was born there. She was with me through some of the toughest times; the loss of my brother and through my Guillain Barre' days. She knew me better than I know myself. I miss her sooo much!
I’ve lost many dogs through the years. Family is family, furry or not.
@@davespencer2425, I'm sorry for your loss. It is hard without them. We had to let our Libby go. It was the hardest decision, but we just knew she didn't have quality of life left. Our vet knew we were struggling when we took her in, but when he asked us, within the last 24 hours, how many of that time was she ok, and we looked at each other and knew the answer was none. That really made our decision a little easier. Our girl is able to walk and run freely. I can't wait to see her again.
@@agricolaregs so very true!
You will never forget their presence..
This video was perfectly right for me!
I lost both brothers to Muscular Dystrophy many years ago. I try to honor their memories by writing about them. But I always miss them!
Sam Vaknin had a feature on this phenomenon last year. The ones responsible for this kind of trauma deserve nothing short of the cruelest punishment. I have been at the edge of taking my own life since age five and it just gets worse. The pain never stops, nothing works - even drugs - and I keep accumulating devastating life experiences.
If there is a God, he'll have to beg my forgiveness.
Grief let's you know when it's done with you. I've been living my worst nightmare for over 30 years. I barely functioned for 20 of them. I still have triggers to this day. I've learned to put on my "happy face" when I'm around people, then emotionally retreat back into my depressed self. Therapy helped me understand my grief, but it didn't heal it.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I have grieved for some years. Do you want to share what’s happened?
This was extremely validating for me. My 11 year relationship ended this past November before my birthday. It happened abruptly overnight and I've been traumatized since and still dealing with the aftermath. It doesn't feel like I'll ever fully recover from it.
It's still fresh. Make sure it doesn't etch itself into the identity though. Treat it as passing however hurtful. It may that we make pain stay in lieu of what we lost. A substitute that blocks life.
But first feel your feelings and see them for what they are when cutting through the haze after that shock. Shock as such is existentially upsetting to us.
I lost my 15 yr old son to suicide 6 years and 16 days ago. I don't say ( type) that very often, My son was my life, my entire world revolved around him. I sometimes wonder if those almost 16 years I had my son was a dream. Or I'm dead and this is my hell. He is still in every thought, I have difficulty retaining new info. I still go over should haves convos with him in my head. Everyone tells me I have to be strong, I have to keep going. Why? What for?
I was recently diagnosed with Cardiomyopathy and my first thought was thank f#*k, FINALLY! I CAN BE WITH MY SON AGAIN SOONER!
I'm so sorry. Although my loss is different, I relate to your comment. My husband died ten years ago. He was my best friend, soul mate, protector, my world, and I was his. We were together for a total of about 15 years. As the years pass, it scares me as I realize that there's going to come a day when he's been gone longer than we were together. The progression of time also really messes with my mind sometimes and makes me feel like he and I were never really boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged, or husband/wife. Yet I miss him terribly every day, continue to grieve for him, and still cry for him. Thank you for posting your comment. It gives my thoughts and feelings validation. May your dear son rest in peace. I wish you peace, healing, and comfort.❤
My 12 year old daughter took her life almost 4 years ago and I pray for death daily..... I am so over being alive. I can totally feel your pain.
I'm glad that you are making a distinction between different types of grief, who they lost and how a person deals with loss in general. Example: 12 months is still very early days for a parent who lost a child in traumatic circumstances. Such a person should never be diagnosed with prolonged grief disorder before much more time has passed.
My parents died 20 years ago. I‘m 34 now. I still cry many nights and feel immense guilt about my father. I love and miss them so much 💔
Many years ago, in response to a serious illness which caused me to lose many things, not least of which was doing the hobbies i loved, i sought therapy. I already knew about the so called grief cycle and the acceptance bit. I engaged with therapy and asked my therapist what if the best i could do was to accept that i would never truly accept what happened. She had no answer for me. Which i thought was a shame. In my own way i was saying i qould never be okay with what happened, but that was okay for me. It's like therapists have a script and if you go off script, it does not compute. Sad really, because i thought it was relatively sound reasoning! Incidentally, i will never accept what happened because it will never be okay. Life can be brutal, painful and horribly unfair and as far as I'm concerned, that's not okay, either for me or anyone else affected by trauma
Grief without a closure.. is more painful.. and time never heals it.. just brings new questions to it... 🥺😔
8 years and i miss my mum every day. Thankyou for being realistic.
Time heals some wounds, but not all. I'm still dealing with something from 20 years ago. I've learned to live with it, but I don't think it will ever truly heal. I hope I'm wrong though!
Same here.
Twice as long for me. I supressed it since I had to go on at the time. During Covid lock down it came back up and demanded closure. It is still bothering me a lot now, since getting closure from the other person is now too difficult. The moral of my story is don't suppress your grief. The only way out is through.
@@meagiesmuse2334 I have some things that came up since my divorce and living alone. I'll never get closure on a couple of things, since the other person is no longer living. But I've definitely gone through a grieving all over again.
The actual quote is “Time is the healer of all necessary evils.”
I wish I had you for my Doctor, Scott. You’re so awesome !
"...alien stars glare mockingly at my impotence..where is my North star? ...She has risen in another hemisphere, or I have."
The aneurism that took her was swift and she didn't suffer long, at least there's that; I felt her leave, tearing away and taking most of me with her as she flew away into the night. That was 9 years ago today, after nearly 23 years of contentment together. In dreams she has been with me in the home we built together, so silent and sad, so unlike herself; she wouldn't speak to answer me, as if she couldn't see or hear me,- I'm the ghost, or so it seems.
"It will get better." "Think of how much you loved each other and how wonderful your life was together." "She would want you to be happy." "She'll always be with you." - Another layer of plaster platitudes at the first sign of a crack in the stone facade, no thought or willingness for holding space for the emptiness of losing the only person I ever felt truly loved by, as if life could just go on, as if nothing had changed, without her in it. Yes, she wanted me to be happy, to move on- it doesn't matter what she wanted, she's gone, and I AM profoundly alone.
Memories can fade fast with no emotional soundtrack attached to them, making it difficult or impossible to sustain or draw hope from them. The same disconnect and dissociation applies to the original griefs of childhood trauma and attachment injury- I do have memories of many of those events, but feel nothing about them, or much else. All my childhood griefs had to be repressed, unfelt, unprocessed; it's still there, like all the unacceptable aspects of myself that were put away for survival's sake, buried in shallow graves, leaving only the shell. There is the connection and the real root of complicated and prolonged grief, and the way to address and (maybe?) recover from it. CBT is a waste of time, another plaster of platitudes over cracks- if cognitive awareness of the problem or stoicism solved it I wouldn't be plagued by it after all these years. Schizoid defenses don't yield to CBT, they ARE a form of CBT.
"...the grains of sand that gave substance to the edifice of Resolve have rejoined all the others, drained through the hourglass into history, inviting Tomorrow to follow." Time is a thief, not a healer.
Very helpful, thank you. I sometimes have vivid or even lucid dreams of people I have lost and there is elation as if I have seen them alive again, followed by a resurgence of intense grief as the dream fades.
Grief never really goes away, it just gets somewhat better, but it us always with you.
And yes i was a high functioning adult. I pushed everything down which is why since 2005 I have had sever panic attacks.
If wounds are perceived and processed with love, although deep and painful, they are invaluable life lessons that help us ascend the destructive ego. In my opinion this is healing, rather than everything being reset.
Very well said.
See my other comment above
@@annelbeab8124 I cant see it? Please copy and paste here :)
Yes this is so true. My mom died 10 years ago. I still can’t believe she’s gone. I think of her so often it makes me wonder how I can get over this loss.
same
Yes, great job doctor. Making another video on prolonged grief disorder would be helpful. I have suffered my whole life.
I definitely appreciate the relationship I had with my ex-husband. I had never experienced true love, kindness, support and understanding with anyone else as I did with him. This is what makes the break up more difficult. I have been working very hard to help myself move through the grief & devastation. 🙏🙏 Thank you Dr. Scott 🙏
I could always handle break ups before. When my last 10 yrs ended w/ profound lying, cheating and betrayal, haven't been able to deal w/ that. You think there's at least love there, but apparently not.
Ugh this is so depressing lol
Thank you so much for this video. I have so muchgrief inside from the loss of people, not to death but to them leaving my life when I depended on them emotionally. I just lost someone last Thurs who has been in my life almost.9 years. I lost someone this past June. If I was in a better place in my mind it maybe would be easier to deal with, but I'm not.
You are so really REALLY good at what you do.
One of the important factors in grief is proximity: it is much easier to reduce grief if you move away from the site of where the grief occurred than if you stay in the same place physically.
Is this really true?
@@matthewsenia1495 Definitely. I lost my house in a bushfire 21 years ago. A year ago I decided to buy a house in the same area, thinking that it would be good to live there again. But when the day came to sign contracts and I drove out there early in the morning to check one last time, I was helpless to stop the grief flooding back and was forced to renege on the purchase.
I think you might be right. I need to consider leaving my home town
I greive the loss of my uterus. I had no idea until it was removed that it was where i felt my joy. Its been 15 years, and i feel like a shell. I cannot escape it, the loss is with me every day since i feel the emptiness within my body. I have lost the very centre of my being. A good freind died 2 weeks later, and i feel like i died with her, but i have to live on
I’m really sorry to hear that…I give you my hug.
@@dariosergevna Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. ❤
You are the first person who has put into words how I felt after I had to have my own uterus removed. I grieved for a long time although I’d had 3 beautiful children and couldn’t have any more. I felt that I’d lost my identity for a while and it took me a long time to get over it. I do hope that you have found healing and comfort. God bless you.
Dr. Scott THANK YOU ! It’s like you’re talking directly to me. Wish there were more therapist out there like you. Sadly the therapy out there of today is archaic. 💔😪
"Most sensitive things are also important."
I am in complete awe of this guy's ability to communicate - so eloquent, so inspiring, and so genuine. Man, how I wish I could speak like him.
Thank you, Scott, for all the help you'll never know of.
Love from London.
I wish I could find a therapist half as good as Dr.Scott. So thankful for all your videos
right? why are all the good therapists on youtube? I c. n only find therapists... who try to do everything.....
Very helpful
My husband passed away on Oct of 21, and my mom Nov of 22, I have a hard time motivating myself to do much, and I go to two bereavement meetings a week and talk to a therapist once a week, is slowly getting better, but I have to make a big effort to force myself to do much.
Your videos help me feel validated and seen in a way my family never has. That’s truly one of the biggest compliments I could give anyone ever, given how private I am about my trauma. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. -Sincerely, another human trying to figure out this painful life
I've watched my mother not really process or acknowledge her huge losses (as back in their day they just swept it under the rug) and those piled up losses that weren't dealt with still bubble under the surface & have affected her in so many ways - she is frozen and stuck in destructive patterns. If only she'd allowed herself to grieve and acknowledge the loss and accepted it all, her life could have been very different.
I feel my son is in the same situation
100% agree
Your reference to taking on the clothing of someone when we've lost someone as part of grief processing...I missed that in my first listen, and that gives me a key insight into someone I'm still trying to move on from, and still care very much for. This person copied me in many many ways for periods of time, including my clothing and my cologne. Yet, they claimed to have had no feelings for me. Interesting. In some strange way, knowing that helps me realize that my interpretation of hidden feelings had some logic to it, at least.
I actually have an appointment this afternoon. Thank you so much for this video.
You are an angel. It's far too bad that state insurance only gives us students, who leave once we build a report. Thank you Dr Scott.
Very helpful, l attended my father's funeral today, so true about the physical care too, parenting myself to eat healthy, take baths & go to bed earlier has helped me immeasurably in the last 3 weeks since his death which l witnessed & then had to be responsible to liaise with funeral professionals.
I've sort of felt like, when we feel the most alone - we're most like everyone else. Seems like the unwritten law of irony.
My loss has been through a history of divorce and giving up. The worst divorce was almost 15 years ago. I had finally made it past 10 years with her, lost my income and it was over.
Of course, more complicated than that, but that's the overview. The depth of my regret and feelings of loss increases seemingly daily...compounding my emotion.
Time has passed throughout my uneventful life and as I get older my chances of happiness seem to diminish.
I started a new life with someone and it started with some exciting possibilities, but chaos of adult children (2) and caring for a 93 yr old parent are driving both of us to madness.
Depression and regret only increase. I truly have gotten what I deserve. I feel as though I have destroyed everyone's life involved.
Thanks for listening.
Had to leave my home country as a child when parents split…life changing rta at 18….resulting in 36 surgeries over 6 years, resulting in amputation of leg. Family scapegoat/black sheep. My son committed suicide 2 years 4 months ago. He wasn’t found for over 4 days….i will never get the image out of my head. I live with chronic pain and lord knows what else. I am done. I have made plans. I wish I had the nerve to do what my son did.
Why did you son kill himself?
I'm so sorry. May your son rest in peace.🙏❤
Thank you sooo very much. You hit on everything. I lost my son four hrs ago, then my job due to Covid, my independence , my relationship. Grief was better and then it’s all compounded. Thank you for addressing grief in all arenas. Sometimes one more thing in life can be the last straw and that may not be a big thing. This was so good for me to hear❤
I can so relate to the one more thing just flattening you. Was trying to get myself into Christmas and managed ok. My cousin is close to my sister, and has rebuffed attempts to befriend her since I moved here. We have the dinner a presents at my sister's. So cousin comes in late w/ her usual big bag of presents. Her and my sis go over the top w/ stuff for each other, but Heidi usually gets me some weird token thing. I had to sit through the whole opening, extruciatingly long, because of all the presents her and my sister do for each other. I was the only one left out. My mom and nephew, who don't buy for her all got stuff, just not me. I couldn't even eat the Christmas leftovers we take home. Barely at for days. Wanted to end it all, again. Would have bounced w/ annoyance, but over 2 years of deep grief, nope, can't handle these things.
@@saintejeannedarc9460I’m so sorry - Heidi is not a nice person!
@@criticRN Thanks for understanding my thing that is probably more minor than I took it.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 it wasn’t minor at the time for you and I bet it was very hurtful - I just want you to know that what your cousin did was mean and it’s ok to be upset by that final straw. Be good to yourself ❤️
@@criticRN It was terribly hurtful. Esp. given that she's the only cousin here I grew up w/, she lives a few blocks away and rebuffs attempts at friendship. When my sis and her mom moved back, she'll drive across town for them and that's the only time I see her, w/ them. She'll call if she needs a ride from me though. I've learned to handle the rebuff, just don't know why she'd want to rub it in at Christmas. She's the only one who got cheated on, so she knows the grief I'm still trying to get over, but am still in survival mode over. Thanks for understanding. Some people can just be thick.
bro straight up made me cry, love your videos, keep up the good work
I belong to a grief support group. It works somewhat on along the lines of the AA principal that the advanced one helps the new one. Those who have made progress in their grief continue to attend the meetings for those new ones just now experiencing their grief. I've been part of it six years now. It helps them it helps me.
You are a revelation to me.Words are poor to describe how much I appreciate the work you do with these videos..Wish only the best for you to carry on 🙏, and all the people out there helped by you ❤
Wow, thank you
Thank you for this. Good timing, nearly 3 years and my life is still on hold, planing to get some help / have a therapy.
Thank you so much for this! I thought my therapist was making me worse as she cries every time i cry, and she sais she can feel my energy. But im told if she does this then she is a great therapist to help me delve deeper into those dark areas. I feel a real safe connection with her, so i will stick with her!
A really safe feeling connection is very important. A therapist that cries w/ patients is in danger of burning out. It will be interesting to see if Dr. Scott will respond to this.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 So its not bad for me the client? I feel safe to go deeper when she does this.
@@saintejeannedarc9460Learning how to compartmentalize in a healthy nontoxic manner is 🗝️...If she can cry with her patients & feel their energy for a time to help them feel safe and heard & then RELEASE it, she'll be a true blessing in the mental health field & will likely not struggle with burnout.
Very helpful--thank you. It's only been recently that I've decided I must let go and move forward from the multiple layers of grief from various incidents that have held me down for years. Losses, hurts, rejections, disappointments--part of life. My hope is to acknowledge these things in the future and move towards a level of resiliency that I've not allowed myself in the past.
Why must we pathologize grief? I don't have a disorder. I just really miss my mom. 💔😭
I agree. I lost my mum six months ago and I miss her more each day. No therapist should need special training to work out that the grief I feel, at 72, cannot be diminished. We lived together so I am now alone coping with chronic health issues and no one to share thoughts and experiences with. I have no one else and am unable to go out. What could a therapist do for me, really.
I feel for your loss and understand the pain and hopelessness that lie behind your words🤍. Be kind to yourself and don’t think you should get over your grief. I hope that in time I may be able to re-live all the good times. Perhaps we will.
@@juliemaitland1176 I understand what you're going through. My mom passed on 9/17/2022. I was her caregiver for 5+ years. She lived with me. And was my best friend and partner in crime. Now, I'm alone with relatives and friends living out of state. Her death hit me hard, and now my chronic illness has flared up. Hopefully one day I will be able to enjoy the memories of happy times.
I lost my son 13 years ago. My grief has become worse over time, to the point I couldn’t function. My grief therapist has done more in three months than psychotherapy for five years.
Not everyone is the same. Not everyone’s grief is the same. You’re fortunate not to have this disorder because each day, until I began working with my grief therapist, was an even greater hell than the day before. Sometimes, it still is.
I won’t ever heal, but I’m learning to live with it.
Thank you Dr Scott.
This is fantastic advice Time + (experience and expressing your emotions) = healing
Glad to be here for this important topic