I hate this, it's kind of a pet peeve. It's made me cynical of how phony people are. After my husband died my sister in law ( my husband's brothers widow) told me at different times," oh I'm going to take you out on my boat, I'm going to take you up to my cabin, go camping, go on a cruise" blah blah blah.. none of that happened or was mentioned again. For quite sometime I kept periodically running I to an ex co-worker at Costco. At the end of each conversation she'd always say" oh let's get together for lunch or drinks"...every time. Never ever happened. She must have said it 6 or 7 times each time we saw each other at Costco. Other people have done this over-the- years too. They have no intention of following through its just useless insincere social chatter. If you don't mean something don't say it ! I don't.
I agree. To me, it's very annoying, maybe because right now I have a lot of time on my hands and would really LIKE to get together with someone I like who might say things like this. But like with you, they often don't follow through on their promise of plans with me and it ends up hurting my feelings. Also, people often tend to put thing in their phones today, like plans for this or plans for doing that with me. I don't use my phone that way and don't like seeing people pull their phones out for things like that. It turns me off. I also don't text and have lost people due to that. It's hurtful, but that is one of my boundaries and I'm sticking to it. Some people seem to not be able to have a conversation with you unless they can text you. I don't like that and have told people over and over again that I don't text. I much prefer a phone conversation or visiting in person to texting.
@@brynne77 Having a real conversation on the phone is becoming a lost art. I fought it for the longest time but I fear I have succumbed to the peer pressure now, too. And also the convenience of shooting off a quick text, but it is nowhere near the same, and it definitely effects the quality of our relationships.
@@MJLOVEnow Then if it effects the quality of your relationships and you don't like that, why on earth would you give in and text? I mean, I understand what you're saying. Texting is convenient. I guess I'm a very rare one in my town because I won't put up with constant texting from anyone, I don't care who you/the person is and how important the person thinks they are. I won't give in. And if you keep giving in when you don't want to, you might start losing respect for yourself. I would (lose respect for myself, I mean) that's why I *rarely* give in. I have found a few people who don't mind at all talking on the phone. Some even like it. I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have are special because they respect my boundaries of texting and we usually end up having lovely conversations. I'd much rather have that than some text message from someone, especially one that's a big long paragraph. I won't do that with anyone. Too boring and to me, frankly, addictive. Despite all I've said here about texting, with my comments I am definitely NOT trying to put anyone down who does text (like Laura or you or others here on the board). Laura seems like a very nice lady. So do the others who respond on this board, including you. I'm just saying texting does bother me so I choose to insist on communicating in ways that are more comfortable for me.
I used to look forward to whatever was promised, and then I would be disappointed when the future promised plans never materialized. Now, as I get older, I try to see it as the person having the best of intentions, and just leave it at that. My expectations have changed over the years. I now see some promises as a well-intended gestures that most likely, won’t actually occur. If the friend’s promise happens, great, but I no longer lean on the outcome. I now rely more on myself for what makes me happy.
This is my perception of this subject coming from a male point of view. I worked as an Engineer and an unspoken rule was to not overpromise the client and set high expectations. Long term relationship was primary, so we wanted them to be pleasantly surprised and That builds relationships.
This is excellent Laura! I just now say "good to see you" and leave it at that. I have been burned too many times by being accommodating and then being let down by people. I am much more discerning these days. 😊
I think the first time it happens, life just gets in way. Around the 3rd time it becomes insincere. I think you’re right, it usually means someone enjoyed seeing you and they hope they can bump into you again someday, however they don’t know how to properly articulate it.
Well, I call it superficial. And I don't like it. I like it sincere. It someone says to me: oh, we should meet for a coffee and bit of chat I take it sincere. It I want to meet that person I'm honest and I expect honesty. Otherwise it doesn't work. Just sad.
"Integrity: the quality of being honest and showing a consistent and uncompromising adherence to strong moral and ethical principals and values. Integrity is regarded as the honesty and truthfulness or earnestness of one's actions. Integrity can stand in opposition to hypocrisy." At 71 I'm more and more concerned that what I say I mean. The smaller the town (we have 3,000) you live in, the more you need to hold to your word or you won't have a close-knit community. However, when it comes right down to it, I couldn't live with myself if my word meant nothing.
My college friend of 45 years always makes big big plans and never follows thru. She was exactly the same in college. I recently bought tickets for her and myself to attend a concert 1900 miles away. I kept asking her are you still going and she said oh yes i love you and cant wait!! 2 weeks before , she says, "life got in the way!!!"..., I cant. 😮 So done. Mad at myself as I know who she is and what her history is. I no longer accept her crumbs of friendship. I am worth more than she has to offer me at this stage in our lives. I will miss her.
I wouldn't even miss her! I'd be so pissed off if a friend did that, never ever again and they wouldn't be missed!😮( I realize you were probably kidding about her being missed but I had to say it )
Oh gosh I hate this. I do not understand the constant ‘I’m so excited, can’t wait and then hands up in the air. Unfortunately they are letting us know that plans don’t mean much of anything to them.
@@laurahillauthor Right. If she was 'so excited about it' as she claimed, why couldn't she have insisted on keeping the plan with the friend and let NOTHING get in the way.
I think you’re being very mature and brave for addressing these issues. I am 53 and have in the past tried to have more real , for a better word… conversations about life matters with other women, unfortunately it usually falls flat, no matter how graciously I attempt to do it. I honestly feel in the last 20 - 30 years globally our sense of community has been greatly eroded… with so many unhealthy variables. I am an undergraduate at university in my early 50’s and the essence of entitlement and the woke culture has left many young people really dis serviced for when they finish their study whether 3 - 7-8 years , and they are into the real world and real life problems. Establishment still have their politics and I see a culture in our society that further divides people. My issues have been with two female tutors, not lecturers who have chosen to misunderstand me from the start … the real sad thing is I have taken the higher road multiple times , when I should have been able to have an adult conversation… unfortunately they mark the papers and punitive academics are really a hard gambit to navigate. You have mentioned the topic of females who are mean spirited and I feel the more hegemony that exists out there is not helping females…. As I have met many feminine women who are just as ‘toxic’ as the masculine men who bully others . I think the baton has just been handed from men to some women and if you try to hold onto being a secure mature, and god forbid physically attractive female… you present as a target. The pecking order has been modified. I am blessed with my golden retriever and Burmese cat. I have already ‘won’ anything else is a bonus. Keep up the good work, it’s refreshing.. as life is not a popularity race… it’s about being of service and hoping that everyone who wants to step up and achieve .. gets to cross the line… just not the ‘chosen’ ones.
One of the ways you might resist a "culture ...that divides people" is to stop using the arbitrary definition of people as being "woke" implying a pejorative judgment. I suppose the opposite would be "Non-Woke" but have never heard that as a term. We are not a binary culture where you are just one or the other and I've never heard a satisfactory definition of what this term even means except that it is a dog whistle for the right. People are nuanced and complex and attempting to straight jacket them into arbitrary categories is a big part of the problem.
💯 I have encountered this often in networking and social situations. In my 20s, it used to really hurt my feelings when people would do this. In my 30's, I have learned not to take it personally and now simply avoid folks who over promise and underdeliver. Yes, life happens and mistakes happen. I give grace in those situations, but when I see it as a pattern with a person, I keep a healthy distance from them and avoid doing business or socializing with them. People who overpromise and underdeliver lose my trust and respect. Ultimately, when people overpromise and underdeliver, they take up time and space for someone who would be committed and would deliver. We were taught as women that "no" is a bad word, but it is actually good because it opens the door to new opportunities. Great video Laura!
I think you’re right, it’s become a thing, because we’ve been trained to be nice and not say no. That’s what it’s really about. It’s usually a backward compliment too that means “I can’t be bothered making plans with you, but you seem like someone I could drink coffee with”.
I completely understand. One of my neighbors, who was quickly becoming a friend, did this with me many times last year and this year. I have gotten to where now I don't trust her anymore, either. I think she does mean well, I think she cares about me, but I've gotten very tired of her promising she and I will get together and getting all excited about it (which then gets ME excited about it) then not calling or coming by to see me, and not returning my calls.
It's a frustrating "habit" for sure. I think some people mean well but fail to plan so it doesn't happen while others use it as a way to end the conversation. My husband and I often invite people over for dinner after church and those who are serious about making connections make themselves known real quick. So many people are fake or flaky and i hate it. I don't have time or energy for that. This is coming from someone who is barely over 30! 😂 When I was a teenager there were a few friends I would have to chase down to get together with. We always had a great time when it happened and we loved each other. But it occurred to me 1 day that they would never reach out if I never reached out first and I decided to let things be. We are still friends and seldom talk or aee each other but I don't chase then anymore. 😅
Great video. What I usually say is, "It was great talking with you! I'll see you next time." That way it avoids commitments that I won't be able to follow through on (unless I really can commit to getting together). Unfortunately, in the past, I've been guilty of saying, "Let's get together" and then I don't follow through. If someone says this to me and doesn't follow through, it doesn't bother me. I realize sometimes people mean well but for whatever reason, they can't follow through. And sometimes we're both really bust so it works out.
What a good point! I try never to promise anything, unless I intend to meet them again within the next week or so. Why promise things, you have no intention of keeping. A waste of time and energy. for me...
it's a habit they've gotten into.....they don't seem to know what else to say. So they promise something.......and then make a great get-away. These people live by their most important routine, and really don't care about yours..........they likely don't even know they're doing it. Sometimes it needs to be pointed out to them, in love and graciousness, but we need to tell them that if they continue that way.........we won't take anything seriously that they say to us/me. God help us all.
I agree ! I am dealing with this! I tend to be the person who reaches out and asks to spend time with people and schedule these times. I don’t even attempt it with certain people anymore. I’ve had 3 people reach out to me to make plans in the last few months, we make tentative plans and then they say they have to check on something with their grandkids’ schedule or something to that effect. Or they agree to a date and time and then as that date approaches I text to confirm and they text back that they are “overwhelmed” and they say “we’ll reschedule” and then they never contact me to reschedule. They never follow up. It’s like they expect ME to follow up when they are the one that needed to figure out if they were available. I flat out quit. I would rather spend my time with people who aren’t flaky or with my damn OWN self. People have really lost a general sense of common courtesy and I am done with it.
Verbal tick so true lol! It’s then we never asked for their number kinda gives the sign it’s not happening ! But that run in can be an awakening of where we all fit into society ! Thanks ❤️
I made a comment about this a while ago. Met her and chatted for almost 2 hours at a grocery store. Next time i saw her, she said hi and walked right by. I slowed down to see if she would chat, but she didn't. This is after she invited me to her camp but of course it never happened. Sooooo the 3rd time I ran into her and we were passing by, I said oh! Hi! How's your camp?! It's been such a wonderful summer. Im sure it was nice out there. 😂 and kept walking. She got what I was saying haha
@laurahillauthor I just love the little things that you can come up with sometimes on the fly, and it just makes you giggle and smile. I guess it's a little bit passive-aggressive, but it made me giggle.
Good point. If they don't deliver, they should at least call you to let you KNOW they won't be able to deliver. It's even worse if they don't call. I'm going through this right now with someone who I thought was becoming reliable and a good friend.
In my experience, it is VERY important to some people that they *say* the right thing, the beautifully worded thing…but the follow through really isn’t important. I try to believe that they are sincere, but when they ghost you…well, ya gotta wonder.
I swear, I visited Seattle once. Me and a friend met a young lady there and told her how friendly everyone was. She said “Don’t fall for it…ever heard of The Seattle Freeze?” We googled it and it’s a real thing 👀 People are soooo fake in Seattle, there’s an actual name for it. How pathetic is that?
@@MsActor2009 it's basically become the same as " how are you", which is always asked quickly, but it's meaningless, they don't really care. LOL. It's become the same as "hello"...
I so want to send this to a “friend”. This particular person wants ME to make all the arrangements. If you mention to get together then it’s up to you to make plans.
You hit the nail on the head with so many subjects! This is also my pet peeve. It repeatedly happens to me and I’ve never heard anyone address this subject before. Thanks for your channel. Sad that it happens a lot but it makes me feel better that I am not alone.
I have a rule in my life now for years that I don't want to make promises to people if I can't keep them. I gave myself this rule because I was always very disappointed with myself if I did not follow through and had overpromised. It is also great in relationships of alle kinds and I feel much better, because of it.
I see comments from people that have moved to America or are just visiting from a different country and they find it offensive or just plain strange when the other person says "we should do something" and then nothing comes of it. I am a keep my word kind of person so I don't like the idea of false promises.
I am on the other side of this. I don’t want to get together and do lunch because I am trying to get things off of my to-do list, and that takes me in the opposite direction. Plus, I just really do not enjoy doing lunch, and I stress over how to get out of it. Recently, this happened, and I decided to tell my friend that I wouldn’t be able to get together because my social life was on hold, which brought more questions. Life is stressful, and I don’t want to share becasue I have found that if I do share, it just brings unsolicited advice rather than empathy. And then, I have to listen to their problems and/or the things that they are doing that I don’t have the time or money to do. I am never successful tactfully saying no with one particular friend, who really does want to get together. She takes it personally, so I usually just end up doing it tto get it off my list. But no more. Now, she is not speaking to me, and if is very awkward when I run into her.
Oh I’m so sorry this friend doesn’t understand you need some room. You have to do what is right for you. We go through different times in our lives when we want different things for ourselves. But good on you for knowing!
Great video, Laura, and it hit home. I had a former co-worker who was always praising me as a "dear friend," but never had time to catch up or meet. She’s retired, with no major obligations like kids or caregiving, while I’m a single, working mom with a special needs child. You get the idea. Recently, out of the blue, she emailed about running into an old colleague of ours and suggested the three of us meet up with our former abusive boss. It was shocking, especially since we hadn’t spoken in nearly two years. I’ve been hurt by her bread-crumbing me. When we were on, I enjoyed our friendship, but I always felt like I was waiting for her to make the next move. I trusted her claims about our “great friendship” because she was so polite and a stickler for manners. I finally acknowledged my feelings and took control. I sent her an email, and, of course, never heard back. Honestly, I know it’s for the best. Hi ___. It's been a while! I was surprised, but happy, to hear from you. Last time we connected (Jan. ' 23), you were to follow-up about meeting, but I didn’t hear back. I wasn’t sure what happened. I'm in __, so not sure when I’ll be back, but please give my best to ___. Hopefully, we can catch up when I return.
I need a video on how to navigate a relationship with my adult daughter. I'm 65, she's 31. She's a millennial and I'm toward the end of the boomer generation. She's married but they don't want children. So there's no role as a parent or grandparent for me and my husband. So, am I a friend? I don't know. She tends to be angry and resentful at times because the millennial generation thinks we boomers have had life so much easier. Have I mentioned that she's an only child? I love her but she doesn't make it easy on me. She's easily triggered. Am I the only one with this problem?
Omg you and I are exactly in the same situation. I just had breakfast this morning with my 36 year old married daughter who does not want children. It’s been hard to navigate. I came home and did a video on letting go of my traditional mom role with her but she is one of three and that’s a whole different ball game than an only. My video, which I’ll post next weekend is more general. I’ll work on this topic, thanks for suggesting it.
It's a bit different for me as I have never had a very large social circle. But if someone has said they would like to get together and then never contacts me then I call them. If they then make excuses and will not commit to a date and time, that's when I know it was just a throw away line. Also, if I am ALWAYS the one reaching out, then after several tries to get them to call, I just stop. Either they really don't want to spend time with me or their lives are so full they have enough people to keep in contact with.
Agree, think it could be interpreted as “I’m so busy, but wish I could I could see you”. I think we should be more honest with each other and just say “nice bumping into you, but I’m swamped at the moment”.
I see this happening on social media too. Im trying to stay in touch with distant friends who seem less interested in keeping in touch. After a while, i just give up. Its their turn to touch base. Until then...I'm done 😊
I think it's partly to end the conversation on a high note. I don't mention that unless I am planning on following through. However, I still work full-time. I know that others are busy & sometimes when you get a day off, you don't want the obligation of making plans for lunch or dinner with someone It's not that you don't like the other person. It's that you are tired & have chores at home & sometimes just want to zone out watching youtube. :0
"Let's do lunch" is essentially the way people say goodbye in California and is understood to not mean a thing. Now that I've moved to NM, it happens far less often. I find that people are more genuine here. I've travelled in and lived in other countries and I find that this sort of social interaction is often the reason that Americans have a reputation in other countries of being shallow and insincere.
It was really weird because I found out the person that I was really friends with for 50 years was talking behind my back to another woman that I have barely known for very long and it turned out the two of them I gotten together and decided to talk about me. There’s a long story associated with not a friend but the acquaintance. She had started a Facebook group and it ended up being kind of religious and I’m not religious so I told her I’m really sorry but I can’t really be in your group. I didn’t know that it was like that and suddenly she and this 50-year-old friend decided that they were going to ghost me together. I was like I used to teach middle school and now you two are being middle school womenin 50s and 60s. I realize that after I had ended that set of friendships then I’m going to be very discerning about who comes into my life.
Sorry that happened. I'm not religious either, so I'm trying to find groups to go to or things to do in my town that doesn't involved religion. That's tough to do because my area is very religious.
I hate this, it's kind of a pet peeve. It's made me cynical of how phony people are. After my husband died my sister in law ( my husband's brothers widow) told me at different times," oh I'm going to take you out on my boat, I'm going to take you up to my cabin, go camping, go on a cruise" blah blah blah.. none of that happened or was mentioned again. For quite sometime I kept periodically running I to an ex co-worker at Costco. At the end of each conversation she'd always say" oh let's get together for lunch or drinks"...every time. Never ever happened. She must have said it 6 or 7 times each time we saw each other at Costco. Other people have done this over-the- years too. They have no intention of following through its just useless insincere social chatter. If you don't mean something don't say it ! I don't.
Thanks for sharing! It is epidemic. People just don’t understand how shallow it makes them seem.
I agree. To me, it's very annoying, maybe because right now I have a lot of time on my hands and would really LIKE to get together with someone I like who might say things like this. But like with you, they often don't follow through on their promise of plans with me and it ends up hurting my feelings. Also, people often tend to put thing in their phones today, like plans for this or plans for doing that with me. I don't use my phone that way and don't like seeing people pull their phones out for things like that. It turns me off. I also don't text and have lost people due to that. It's hurtful, but that is one of my boundaries and I'm sticking to it. Some people seem to not be able to have a conversation with you unless they can text you. I don't like that and have told people over and over again that I don't text. I much prefer a phone conversation or visiting in person to texting.
By the 3rd time I would’ve said ‘no thanks, I’ll just see you at Costco next time’ and laugh😅😂😂
@@brynne77 Having a real conversation on the phone is becoming a lost art. I fought it for the longest time but I fear I have succumbed to the peer pressure now, too. And also the convenience of shooting off a quick text, but it is nowhere near the same, and it definitely effects the quality of our relationships.
@@MJLOVEnow Then if it effects the quality of your relationships and you don't like that, why on earth would you give in and text? I mean, I understand what you're saying. Texting is convenient. I guess I'm a very rare one in my town because I won't put up with constant texting from anyone, I don't care who you/the person is and how important the person thinks they are. I won't give in. And if you keep giving in when you don't want to, you might start losing respect for yourself. I would (lose respect for myself, I mean) that's why I *rarely* give in. I have found a few people who don't mind at all talking on the phone. Some even like it. I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have are special because they respect my boundaries of texting and we usually end up having lovely conversations. I'd much rather have that than some text message from someone, especially one that's a big long paragraph. I won't do that with anyone. Too boring and to me, frankly, addictive. Despite all I've said here about texting, with my comments I am definitely NOT trying to put anyone down who does text (like Laura or you or others here on the board). Laura seems like a very nice lady. So do the others who respond on this board, including you. I'm just saying texting does bother me so I choose to insist on communicating in ways that are more comfortable for me.
If I say I will…I will
I used to look forward to whatever was promised, and then I would be disappointed when the future promised plans never materialized. Now, as I get older, I try to see it as the person having the best of intentions, and just leave it at that. My expectations have changed over the years. I now see some promises as a well-intended gestures that most likely, won’t actually occur. If the friend’s promise happens, great, but I no longer lean on the outcome. I now rely more on myself for what makes me happy.
Agree💯
This is my perception of this subject coming from a male point of view. I worked as an Engineer and an unspoken rule was to not overpromise the client and set high expectations. Long term relationship was primary, so we wanted them to be pleasantly surprised and That builds relationships.
Such great advice! It really is the same thing, we feel like we need to end with the Big Bang, guess we need to use that professional rule of thumb
Its difficult when its family members 😢
Family is the worst!!!! And it seems to hurt a little more.
This is excellent Laura! I just now say "good to see you" and leave it at that. I have been burned too many times by being accommodating and then being let down by people. I am much more discerning these days. 😊
Agree💯so much easier. Thanks Sue!
Liked this idea around it 😉
I think the first time it happens, life just gets in way. Around the 3rd time it becomes insincere. I think you’re right, it usually means someone enjoyed seeing you and they hope they can bump into you again someday, however they don’t know how to properly articulate it.
Well said!
So many of these video topics have happened to me and now at 70 I have no friends.
It’s never to late to meet new people
I'm here for you all . Boy do I need to have some to ood friends.
Well, I call it superficial. And I don't like it. I like it sincere. It someone says to me: oh, we should meet for a coffee and bit of chat I take it sincere. It I want to meet that person I'm honest and I expect honesty. Otherwise it doesn't work. Just sad.
Agree💯
I am fine when this happens.
We all look at things a bit differently. Thanks for commenting
@laurahillauthor we introverts dread the "let's do lunch" conversation.
Yep...with anothee friend who was so happy to host me and use her ticket. ❤
Touché🤺
"Integrity: the quality of being honest and showing a consistent and uncompromising adherence to strong moral and ethical principals and values. Integrity is regarded as the honesty and truthfulness or earnestness of one's actions. Integrity can stand in opposition to hypocrisy." At 71 I'm more and more concerned that what I say I mean. The smaller the town (we have 3,000) you live in, the more you need to hold to your word or you won't have a close-knit community. However, when it comes right down to it, I couldn't live with myself if my word meant nothing.
Agree💯
I want to be better at this. It’s so hard to be receptive to spending time with someone.
It’s definitely a tougher process for many. Everyone has a different speed and that’s ok
My college friend of 45 years always makes big big plans and never follows thru. She was exactly the same in college. I recently bought tickets for her and myself to attend a concert 1900 miles away. I kept asking her are you still going and she said oh yes i love you and cant wait!! 2 weeks before , she says, "life got in the way!!!"..., I cant. 😮
So done. Mad at myself as I know who she is and what her history is. I no longer accept her crumbs of friendship. I am worth more than she has to offer me at this stage in our lives. I will miss her.
I wouldn't even miss her! I'd be so pissed off if a friend did that, never ever again and they wouldn't be missed!😮( I realize you were probably kidding about her being missed but I had to say it )
Oh gosh I hate this. I do not understand the constant ‘I’m so excited, can’t wait and then hands up in the air. Unfortunately they are letting us know that plans don’t mean much of anything to them.
@@laurahillauthor Right. If she was 'so excited about it' as she claimed, why couldn't she have insisted on keeping the plan with the friend and let NOTHING get in the way.
I hope you weren't trying to go to a Pearl Jam concert with her... Bummer!
Hope you still went to the concert. :)
I think you’re being very mature and brave for addressing these issues. I am 53 and have in the past tried to have more real , for a better word… conversations about life matters with other women, unfortunately it usually falls flat, no matter how graciously I attempt to do it. I honestly feel in the last 20 - 30 years globally our sense of community has been greatly eroded… with so many unhealthy variables. I am an undergraduate at university in my early 50’s and the essence of entitlement and the woke culture has left many young people really dis serviced for when they finish their study whether 3 - 7-8 years , and they are into the real world and real life problems. Establishment still have their politics and I see a culture in our society that further divides people. My issues have been with two female tutors, not lecturers who have chosen to misunderstand me from the start … the real sad thing is I have taken the higher road multiple times , when I should have been able to have an adult conversation… unfortunately they mark the papers and punitive academics are really a hard gambit to navigate. You have mentioned the topic of females who are mean spirited and I feel the more hegemony that exists out there is not helping females…. As I have met many feminine women who are just as ‘toxic’ as the masculine men who bully others . I think the baton has just been handed from men to some women and if you try to hold onto being a secure mature, and god forbid physically attractive female… you present as a target. The pecking order has been modified. I am blessed with my golden retriever and Burmese cat. I have already ‘won’ anything
else is a bonus. Keep up the good work, it’s refreshing.. as life is not a popularity race… it’s about being of service and hoping that everyone who wants to step up and achieve .. gets to cross the line… just not the ‘chosen’ ones.
Thanks so much for sharing your story, I’m glad you found the channel. Yes we need to be talking about this❤️
One of the ways you might resist a "culture ...that divides people" is to stop using the arbitrary definition of people as being "woke" implying a pejorative judgment. I suppose the opposite would be "Non-Woke" but have never heard that as a term. We are not a binary culture where you are just one or the other and I've never heard a satisfactory definition of what this term even means except that it is a dog whistle for the right. People are nuanced and complex and attempting to straight jacket them into arbitrary categories is a big part of the problem.
💯 I have encountered this often in networking and social situations. In my 20s, it used to really hurt my feelings when people would do this. In my 30's, I have learned not to take it personally and now simply avoid folks who over promise and underdeliver. Yes, life happens and mistakes happen. I give grace in those situations, but when I see it as a pattern with a person, I keep a healthy distance from them and avoid doing business or socializing with them. People who overpromise and underdeliver lose my trust and respect. Ultimately, when people overpromise and underdeliver, they take up time and space for someone who would be committed and would deliver. We were taught as women that "no" is a bad word, but it is actually good because it opens the door to new opportunities. Great video Laura!
I think you’re right, it’s become a thing, because we’ve been trained to be nice and not say no. That’s what it’s really about. It’s usually a backward compliment too that means “I can’t be bothered making plans with you, but you seem like someone I could drink coffee with”.
Thanks so much for sharing this. It happens all the time at networking events. I think people mean well, I know I’ve done it😅
I completely understand. One of my neighbors, who was quickly becoming a friend, did this with me many times last year and this year. I have gotten to where now I don't trust her anymore, either. I think she does mean well, I think she cares about me, but I've gotten very tired of her promising she and I will get together and getting all excited about it (which then gets ME excited about it) then not calling or coming by to see me, and not returning my calls.
Just don’t take what she says seriously anymore. I’ve learned how crappy this feels, so I say what I mean and mean what I say!
@@MsActor2009 Right. I think I won't (take her seriously anymore). I do my best to say what I mean and mean what I say, too! :)
It's a frustrating "habit" for sure. I think some people mean well but fail to plan so it doesn't happen while others use it as a way to end the conversation. My husband and I often invite people over for dinner after church and those who are serious about making connections make themselves known real quick. So many people are fake or flaky and i hate it. I don't have time or energy for that. This is coming from someone who is barely over 30! 😂
When I was a teenager there were a few friends I would have to chase down to get together with. We always had a great time when it happened and we loved each other. But it occurred to me 1 day that they would never reach out if I never reached out first and I decided to let things be. We are still friends and seldom talk or aee each other but I don't chase then anymore. 😅
Great video. What I usually say is, "It was great talking with you! I'll see you next time." That way it avoids commitments that I won't be able to follow through on (unless I really can commit to getting together). Unfortunately, in the past, I've been guilty of saying, "Let's get together" and then I don't follow through. If someone says this to me and doesn't follow through, it doesn't bother me. I realize sometimes people mean well but for whatever reason, they can't follow through. And sometimes we're both really bust so it works out.
Agree people mean well, just some take it a little too far. Over promise, under deliver
What a good point! I try never to promise anything, unless I intend to meet them again within the next week or so. Why promise things, you have no intention of keeping. A waste of time and energy. for me...
I think it’s just a strange but common habit 🤷🏻♀️
it's a habit they've gotten into.....they don't seem to know what else to say. So they promise something.......and then make a great get-away. These people live by their most important routine, and really don't care about yours..........they likely don't even know they're doing it. Sometimes it needs to be pointed out to them, in love and graciousness, but we need to tell them that if they continue that way.........we won't take anything seriously that they say to us/me. God help us all.
So true I agree 💯 thanks!
I agree ! I am dealing with this! I tend to be the person who reaches out and asks to spend time with people and schedule these times. I don’t even attempt it with certain people anymore. I’ve had 3 people reach out to me to make plans in the last few months, we make tentative plans and then they say they have to check on something with their grandkids’ schedule or something to that effect. Or they agree to a date and time
and then as that date approaches I text to confirm and they text back that they are “overwhelmed” and they say “we’ll reschedule” and then they never contact me to reschedule.
They never follow up. It’s like they expect ME to follow up when they are the one that needed to figure out if they were available. I flat out quit. I would rather spend my time with people who aren’t flaky or with my damn OWN self. People have really lost a general sense of common courtesy and I am done with it.
It’s soooo common!!!
I have a sister who did this
she would always cancel and finally I had enough. I stay away from
So burned out on the serial cancellers
Verbal tick so true lol! It’s then we never asked for their number kinda gives the sign it’s not happening ! But that run in can be an awakening of where we all fit into society ! Thanks ❤️
Thanks Helen!!
Well, that ‘tried and true’ conversation is great EXCEPT when it is my SISTER!😵💫
Yikes family is super tough
I hate when people do that. Say hi and move on
Agree💯
I made a comment about this a while ago. Met her and chatted for almost 2 hours at a grocery store. Next time i saw her, she said hi and walked right by. I slowed down to see if she would chat, but she didn't. This is after she invited me to her camp but of course it never happened. Sooooo the 3rd time I ran into her and we were passing by, I said oh! Hi! How's your camp?! It's been such a wonderful summer. Im sure it was nice out there. 😂 and kept walking. She got what I was saying haha
Haha yes love the come back!!!
@laurahillauthor I just love the little things that you can come up with sometimes on the fly, and it just makes you giggle and smile. I guess it's a little bit passive-aggressive, but it made me giggle.
I feel that it's a sin to make a promise or proposal to do something nice for someone and then never deliver. It's downright cruel and mean.
Well I guess the promises can be tiny or large. But I agree that your word is important. If it isn’t then ‘zip it’ lol
Good point. If they don't deliver, they should at least call you to let you KNOW they won't be able to deliver. It's even worse if they don't call. I'm going through this right now with someone who I thought was becoming reliable and a good friend.
In my experience, it is VERY important to some people that they *say* the right thing, the beautifully worded thing…but the follow through really isn’t important. I try to believe that they are sincere, but when they ghost you…well, ya gotta wonder.
Actions matter! Talk is cheap!
Agree💯
This is so common here in Seattle 😢
I swear, I visited Seattle once. Me and a friend met a young lady there and told her how friendly everyone was. She said “Don’t fall for it…ever heard of The Seattle Freeze?”
We googled it and it’s a real thing 👀
People are soooo fake in Seattle, there’s an actual name for it. How pathetic is that?
Unfortunately, it's not just Seattle where this happens.
I say nice to see you. If they say let's get together I say sure knowing it will not happen.
Seems like it’s a weird social phenomenon used to end a positive conversation.
Unfortunately
@@MsActor2009 it's basically become the same as " how are you", which is always asked quickly, but it's meaningless, they don't really care. LOL. It's become the same as "hello"...
😂
Got it! I’ll just reply with “that “sounds” so great! 😀
I think life is so busy with everyone chasing rainbows no one has time for anyone else so I don’t let these kind of things bother me .
It so good not to let it bother you, most people don’t even realize that they are doing it. Thanks for the comment!
I so want to send this to a “friend”. This particular person wants ME to make all the arrangements. If you mention to get together then it’s up to you to make plans.
You’ll need to send her a link to the channel. Maybe she’ll happen upon this video😍
You hit the nail on the head with so many subjects! This is also my pet peeve. It repeatedly happens to me and I’ve never heard anyone address this subject before. Thanks for your channel. Sad that it happens a lot but it makes me feel better that I am not alone.
Thanks!! Glad you found the channel
I have a rule in my life now for years that I don't want to make promises to people if I can't keep them. I gave myself this rule because I was always very disappointed with myself if I did not follow through and had overpromised. It is also great in relationships of alle kinds and I feel much better, because of it.
Agree💯
So True!
I see comments from people that have moved to America or are just visiting from a different country and they find it offensive or just plain strange when the other person says "we should do something" and then nothing comes of it. I am a keep my word kind of person so I don't like the idea of false promises.
Agree💯
We want to be nice and we end up being fake.
Don’t say this to your family and friends . I mean it no more . Done with that false statement
Because people are weird now. I wanna go back to the 50s
Haha me too! Things have sure gotten ugly
I am on the other side of this. I don’t want to get together and do lunch because I am trying to get things off of my to-do list, and that takes me in the opposite direction. Plus, I just really do not enjoy doing lunch, and I stress over how to get out of it. Recently, this happened, and I decided to tell my friend that I wouldn’t be able to get together because my social life was on hold, which brought more questions. Life is stressful, and I don’t want to share becasue I have found that if I do share, it just brings unsolicited advice rather than empathy. And then, I have to listen to their problems and/or the things that they are doing that I don’t have the time or money to do.
I am never successful tactfully saying no with one particular friend, who really does want to get together. She takes it personally, so I usually just end up doing it tto get it off my list. But no more. Now, she is not speaking to me, and if is very awkward when I run into her.
Oh I’m so sorry this friend doesn’t understand you need some room. You have to do what is right for you. We go through different times in our lives when we want different things for ourselves. But good on you for knowing!
@@laurahillauthor, thank you!
Great video, Laura, and it hit home.
I had a former co-worker who was always praising me as a "dear friend," but never had time to catch up or meet. She’s retired, with no major obligations like kids or caregiving, while I’m a single, working mom with a special needs child. You get the idea.
Recently, out of the blue, she emailed about running into an old colleague of ours and suggested the three of us meet up with our former abusive boss. It was shocking, especially since we hadn’t spoken in nearly two years.
I’ve been hurt by her bread-crumbing me. When we were on, I enjoyed our friendship, but I always felt like I was waiting for her to make the next move. I trusted her claims about our “great friendship” because she was so polite and a stickler for manners.
I finally acknowledged my feelings and took control. I sent her an email, and, of course, never heard back. Honestly, I know it’s for the best.
Hi ___.
It's been a while! I was surprised, but happy, to hear from you. Last time we connected (Jan. ' 23), you were to follow-up about meeting, but I didn’t hear back. I wasn’t sure what happened.
I'm in __, so not sure when I’ll be back, but please give my best to ___. Hopefully, we can catch up when I return.
Good for you! I love your reference to bread crumbing. I’m going to steal that. Sometimes people are hard to figure out
I never take that seriously n that’s why I never respond to that statement
I need a video on how to navigate a relationship with my adult daughter. I'm 65, she's 31. She's a millennial and I'm toward the end of the boomer generation. She's married but they don't want children. So there's no role as a parent or grandparent for me and my husband. So, am I a friend? I don't know. She tends to be angry and resentful at times because the millennial generation thinks we boomers have had life so much easier. Have I mentioned that she's an only child? I love her but she doesn't make it easy on me. She's easily triggered. Am I the only one with this problem?
Omg you and I are exactly in the same situation. I just had breakfast this morning with my 36 year old married daughter who does not want children. It’s been hard to navigate. I came home and did a video on letting go of my traditional mom role with her but she is one of three and that’s a whole different ball game than an only. My video, which I’ll post next weekend is more general. I’ll work on this topic, thanks for suggesting it.
This is happening to me too ! So glad you are doing a video on this . Such a difficult thing to navigate . Thank you
It's a bit different for me as I have never had a very large social circle. But if someone has said they would like to get together and then never contacts me then I call them. If they then make excuses and will not commit to a date and time, that's when I know it was just a throw away line. Also, if I am ALWAYS the one reaching out, then after several tries to get them to call, I just stop. Either they really don't want to spend time with me or their lives are so full they have enough people to keep in contact with.
Agree💯
Agree, think it could be interpreted as “I’m so busy, but wish I could I could see you”. I think we should be more honest with each other and just say “nice bumping into you, but I’m swamped at the moment”.
I like that "a throw away line".
I see this happening on social media too. Im trying to stay in touch with distant friends who seem less interested in keeping in touch. After a while, i just give up. Its their turn to touch base. Until then...I'm done 😊
I've noticed this also for myself in trying to keep in touch with others, for example on Facebook.
Europeans think Americans are really bad at saying "let's get together" or "let's do lunch" and never follow through.
My sister has lived in Paris for decades. She agrees!
I think it's partly to end the conversation on a high note. I don't mention that unless I am planning on following through. However, I still work full-time. I know that others are busy & sometimes when you get a day off, you don't want the obligation of making plans for lunch or dinner with someone It's not that you don't like the other person. It's that you are tired & have chores at home & sometimes just want to zone out watching youtube. :0
Agree💯it’s just a habit for many.
"Let's do lunch" is essentially the way people say goodbye in California and is understood to not mean a thing. Now that I've moved to NM, it happens far less often. I find that people are more genuine here. I've travelled in and lived in other countries and I find that this sort of social interaction is often the reason that Americans have a reputation in other countries of being shallow and insincere.
That’s so interesting. Thanks for sharing
Hello Laura 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷
Oh I hate this
It was really weird because I found out the person that I was really friends with for 50 years was talking behind my back to another woman that I have barely known for very long and it turned out the two of them I gotten together and decided to talk about me. There’s a long story associated with not a friend but the acquaintance. She had started a Facebook group and it ended up being kind of religious and I’m not religious so I told her I’m really sorry but I can’t really be in your group. I didn’t know that it was like that and suddenly she and this 50-year-old friend decided that they were going to ghost me together. I was like I used to teach middle school and now you two are being middle school womenin 50s and 60s. I realize that after I had ended that set of friendships then I’m going to be very discerning about who comes into my life.
Sorry that happened. I'm not religious either, so I'm trying to find groups to go to or things to do in my town that doesn't involved religion. That's tough to do because my area is very religious.
Thanks so much for sharing. Women can be so unkind to eachother.