Failure to Launch: The Parent Trap
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- Опубликовано: 17 окт 2024
- For more on this subject, consider my online course for parents entitled The Parent Trap - psychologysalo....
"Failure to launch" is the dominant term in North America for what I prefer to call "Delayed Transition to Adulthood" - a situation in which young adults appear stuck at the transition between dependent adolescence and independent adulthood, often remaining at home, under- or unemployed, with few social relationships, and usually a profound anxiety about the future. The problem seems always to have multiple causal factors involved, among them some family dynamics that inadvertently create disincentives to moving forward. In this series of videos I explore how parents often strive to support their offspring and wind up kneecapping their independence instead.
I'm the author of books on assertiveness and private practice, in addition to the "How to be Miserable" books. To see my books at Amazon, visit: amzn.to/2VtGHjy
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For more information on my books and programs, please visit my personal site at randypaterson.com/
For more on this subject, consider my online course for parents, available with a preview video here: psychologysalon.teachable.com/p/parent-trap
The parents need to do all of this not when the "kid" is 25, but from the get-go. Assign them chores, teach them about money, teach them to cook, expect them to get a part-time job at 16, prepare them for life. Most kids will feel self-sufficient and take pride in contributing. Starting all of this when they're 25 won't work.
There is a very long downward caregiving ramp from birth (do everything including diapering) to age 20-ish (s/he can handle most of life independently), and you're right that many of these tasks are ideally started much earlier. This course is for families where the ramp has gone horizontal or has reversed direction for some reason.
I wish our situation was a simple as this. I have a close family member living with us for the past ten months. I've been doing all these things already, trying to undo some of the dysfunctionality that she came to us with. Been giving her tons of freedom to make her own decisions, manage her own finances, etc. We don't charge her rent or money for food, but we don't pay off her debts either. But it's backfiring. She's basically taking advantage of us, not saving money, not on any kind of trajectory to achieve independent living, going out partying all the time, etc., etc. She's playing us like a fiddle. This is a very serious situation, way worse than an ordinary failure to launch scenario. In my estimation, this person is at a very, very serious risk of a life of hardships. You name it: poverty, welfare, food stamps, homelessness, abusive relationships, unplanned pregnancies, single motherhood, substance abuse, alcoholism, prostitution, rape, drug overdoses, suicide attempts, whatever, she's at a very serious risk. She won't even brush her own bloody teeth - she just had eight molar extracted because they were too far gone even for crowns. We don't care what she does for a career, but we sure don't want that kind of life for her. We don't know what to do.
I feel your pain ... have been through something similar .. what we've learnt is to stop being responsible for them .. that includes being responsible for what happens to them from their choices in life.
In the beginning almost he says that once an adult they are a separate being. As a separate adult they are responsible for feeding themselves, housing themselves and their well being is also their responsibility. So okay it costs you nothing to maybe to house her but it does to feed her and the hot water she uses, food etc. Guess you have to ask yourself how long are you willing to be in this situation as it doesn't seem to be serving her or you of any benefit. Also at the end of your lives she'll probably still be in the same situation all that will have happened is you've suffered all those years with the worry etc.
If it were me I think I would maybe sit her down and say we're providing you with a roof over your head, the food you eat and the hot water, heating etc. We've done this out of love, care and concern for you and had hoped you would have used this opportunity to get on your own feet maybe get your own place and be the independent adult you're capable of being. We've realised though we've done you a great disservice ... we've realised we've been treating you like a child and you're not. That was very wrong of us and we are sorry for that. We're going to treat you like the adult you are and that begins with contributing to the cost of those things you are using .. food, hot water etc. If she says she has no money because she has no job then I would say we recognise that but it's not something that can stay that way forever. As an adult she is responsible for the cost of those things she uses. Then I would set a date when you will be wanting whatever you think she should pay (giving her time to get a job). I wouldn't get into jobs this that and the other .. if she moans about her inability or the lack of availability of a job simply say I understand it's difficult but its not impossible ... if you want help with that we're here for you. Then wait to be asked for help don't start pointing anything out. Work on a solution together. But it has to come from her initially as an adult .. we've been in this situation ourselves .. we've come to realise the only thing you can change if not the situation another creates it's the response.
It isn't wrong of you to set boundaries .. it's your home that you've worked for and put together. If she went to stay anywhere else .. a hotel even there would be boundaries point that out to her. What time meals happen, no noise in the room, if you stink because you don't wash you're offensive to others and will be asked to leave. I would make it clear she will be leaving if non of it happens .. but I would say if you're not willing for us to treat you like an adult we understand it's your choice to leave (on date you've set) but it is also OUR choice not to have a (however old she is) adult in our house that we're paying for (food, heating etc). I wouldn't get into any arguments or point out she's doing nothing etc .. just relax .. but maybe put a calendar on the kitchen wall with a big X on the day so it's always visible.
Come the day if nothing has changed pack her things when she's out and message her you're so sorry she has chosen to leave. Source some places she can go .. shelters etc .. give her the number. Get all her things together and arrange a place (not yours) where she can go and collect them. Make sure you've protected yourselves by arranging to have changed your locks. Don't rely on getting a key back you don't need to the hassle of asking for it and she may have a few copies. Also if she's had access to bank details change your cards, pin numbers etc. Get all the numbers you need in advance so you can immediately call them on the day she's no longer welcome back.
You can still continue to support from a distance .. it doesn't have to been in your house where she's acting like a child when it comes to her own responsibilities but wants adult rights to come and go as she pleases.
And if it does go down the darkest route .. remember .. that was her choice and not your responsibility. Some people need to wallow in that for a while to realise the benefit of living differently sadly. You will have some sleepless nights and worry yourself into understanding eventually you had no choice.
Be aware though she is backing herself into a corner and people can behave badly .. so protect yourselves over money, possessions etc. My guess is if she's not willing to change she'll jump ship right near the deadline to find herself an enabler for the foreseeable future.
Sorry for the long post .. yours just sounded like you are at the end of your tether .. thought you might like some support from someone who's been there.
@@MrChubba10 Thank you for taking the time to type that all out. It helps me immensely. Im 23 years old, graduate of college with no job living with my parents. Dont want to be a mooch but im also feeling overwhelmed with life. Thank you so much for sharing; it really opened my eyes to my parents POV
My friend, I am waking up to the parent-child dynamics in my family. My brother who is 37 is basically a child. My mother has unchecked mental health issues and sees the world very naivly. My father is a covert narccisist and using my brother as supply. My brother loves it because he's the golden child and is comfortable with my parents coddling him. My parents get free supply for life. He moved back home after a messy divorce and I can see him settling in this life as long as my parents allow it.
The rules have always been different for me. I was treated like an adult at age 12 and received no emotional support. I wasn't coddled and was held to a higher standard. I had to go no contact because I got the vibe they were trying to do the same thing to me in my 20s. I'm done with my family of origin.
One of the concepts I often discuss with parents is the "ramp" from complete-care for the infant to peer-to-peer style relationships with an emerging adult. The goal is to move from one to the other in a reasonably steady way, neither over-protecting / over-nurturing nor suddenly withdrawing all care. In therapy we try to find a way to restart the ramp-down process, reducing conflict and nagging while maintaining positivity and support for independence. No family manages the ramp perfectly, and some split as you feel your family did - over-nurturing one and under-nurturing the other. Although painful, the one prematurely treated as an adult often winds up functioning better.
Sounds like a correct move. Sorry💕
You told me some liberating things this morning, this is going to change things for my life ( and her) going forward , what a 💡
Like a lot of your videos I defiantly see elements of my own life in what you are describing. I wouldn't call myself a full on Hikikomori, but I definitely tend in that direction. I'm nearing 20, living at home, haven't committed to any college or university program like my parents expected me too. COVID has of course screwed me out of many opportunities and experiences, making things much worse. But that's an excuse, I know I could be doing better if I tried harder. These day I think the root of my problems might be a lack of ambition. I had that as a kid, but the school system (metaphorically) beat it out of me years ago. Another excuse.
lol I'm hikikomori and I've been like this for 5 years. I've tried college, the preisthood and army and so on.
Then Covid came and the rest is history.
The root of my problems is late stage capitalism and housing not being a human right.
Also fuck the army.
@@iamtondro3747 sorry about the army, they really do a number on ya when they can. So then have you stopped looking for a job? Any post corona plans? I guess there must be no real opportunity.
@@robertduluth8994 my plan is to stop making plans there’s nothing outside for me so what’s the point? So yeah my plan is to not have a plan. Just exist
@@iamtondro3747Fine. Pay for it yourself.
And for the parents who don’t push but rather pull? Parents who are so dependent on their child to support their lifestyle, what does the adult child do then? Live with the constant guilt of your toxic family?
In many cases of "failure to launch" (not my favourite term, but we're stuck with it for now), parents report that they are all in with the idea of their offspring's independence. But when we look at what they are actually doing, they seem to be supporting dependence more. Usually they haven't fully examined what they are doing. Sometimes it's just caring, which in the past has meant supporting a young person in their retreat from the world, but which has become a bias against progress. Sometimes parents are deeply ambivalent about being abandoned by a child that does not need them any more, and are acting - usually unconsciously - to undermine their young adult's independence. Family therapy can sometimes bring this into awareness, and help the parent to see what they are doing - and, despite misgivings, to ease up. Sometimes it's all up to the young adult, who will never be given blessing to fly the nest, but needs to do so anyway.
I can't read this without feeling sad. I'm 33 . Majority of my life I lived like this feeling like my mother stifled independence . I moved out, she recently she cut me out of the benefits I had after my dad's passing because she says I abandoned her. Currently relying heavily on my partner worried about my relationship wondering why I can't get a job, really failing to launch.
This is me at the moment, after a relationship breakdown due to various mental illnesses from both myself and partner...I've stopped working and really don't know what to do and my parents are as you say in the video....and yes I'm an accountant...and I'm miserable, hence why I stopped working after my relationship breakdown.
@N N are you getting any help?
@@edisonlu9070 I personally get 2 times a month
I left California for Texas in 2016 because I'm in the Air Force. I married my current wife in 2021 and returned to California in 2022 for retirement. I was in Texas for 6 years.
My wife had 2 adult children living at home. One was 23 and the other 25 years old. My wife was paying for the mortgage, groceries, car insurance, cell phone bills, a landscaper, & car maintenance on 3 cars. She even had an ethernet port installed in her adult son's room to game! I put my foot down after arriving home in February 2022. I'm trying to understand how neither of them have finished community college in 4-6 years.
I made my wife watch these videos on "Failure to Launch" because she enabled this type of behavior. I implemented a curfew of midnight and installed a Google Yale lock to enforce it. First infraction, I blocked her son's ethernet port. No more high speed gaming. We made them buy their own groceries and they were only allowed to use the refrigerator in the garage. My wife could only cook twice a week for them. We gave them both a year to move out.
At the end of the day, sheltering young adults at home doesn't teach them to be independent. They weren't reaching for any goals or trying to assert their independence. Having young adults sit at home and remain stagnant is a recipe for failure. They'll blame the parents every time.
It really escalated one day when her son cursed her out. When I heard her say you need to get out of MY HOUSE really moved me. Needless to say, both adults moved out in January 2023.
One concern that many parents have is that the alternative to supporting their adult son's or daughter's independence is to cut them off altogether. In therapy we work to maintain the relationship and the support, but shift it to support for development and independence instead. Many parents come to realize that by compensating for their offspring's inaction, they have been inadvertently been perpetuating the very problem they are trying to solve. Support for independence can provide a bridge to fully mature adult-to-adult relationships without either infantilizing the young adult nor abandoning them.
@@RandyPaterson I think what really helped my wife turn a corner was me asking her a simple question. What are your adult children going to do if something were to happen to you? I told my wife I'm moving to Georgia where my parents are located. Your kids won't be able to afford the expenses and taxes for our home. She told me they wouldn't know how to take care of anything. I told her yes, that happens when you helicopter parent and give young adults everything.
We just did our taxes. I told my wife to make sure she tells her adult children to file as well. If they don't do it, then that's on them. Allowing them to FAIL with the IRS probably isn't a great idea. But if they don't want to listen, time to learn the hard way.
My wife purchased brand new cars 5-9 years ago. Her son doesn't take care of his car. My older vehicles look better than his vehicle. He didn't have to pay for his car, which is why he doesn't take care of his vehicle. Just like when my wife was paying for his college. He stopped going because he wasn't the one paying for school. See a pattern here?
Thank you. I will no longer be cooking supper for, and cleaning up after, my common law husband's 20 year old sons when they are here. Me and my partner have a preschooler and i work part time from home, my partner works full time so I end up doing all the childcare, cooking, and housework. I suffer, and I'm doing a disservice to all of our kids by doing everything for them. I feel like my partner is the only one benefiting but even hes not, he and his ex go so far as to provide their sons with nicotine vape juice and cannabis, we're in Canada so its legal. They think 'the boys' will just eventually grow up and magically get it together. My mom had to kick out my younger brother last year so she could get her house ready to sell, hes 36. He didnt just grow out of it, hes on financial assistance. She recently said something to him about going over there, i guess to ask for cigarettes, and HE called HER a narcissist because she didn't coddle him. And I see the same thing with the boys, one especially will threaten his mother if she doesnt buy him cannabis. They arent just going to grow out of it. I will no longer be one of the enablers. I get it could be anxiety or depression, I can empathize with that but it's more than that. Ive seen these guys as teen boys and young men intimidate their mothers into backing off, its manipulation. Something they all have in common is bio father not in the home, I did some reading and there is a correlation. Mothers protect us, fathers encourage us to take risks, those that fail to launch have been coddled when they need to be pushed.
@@juliabouzan1739 Your comments were like a lovely violin playing in my ears. You definitely hit the mark on three different causations as to why some young men "Fail to Launch:"
1. No father figure in their lives. I told my wife when a young man reaches a certain age, it's too late to try and insert a father figure for a young adult male.
2. Aggression towards mother's as an intimidation tactic. This is a great point. The young men absolutely use this as an advantage over their "nurturing mother's." I don't condone violence, but try that with a REAL father figure and watch what happens to the young adult male. Men are supposed to be in the household to ensure this never happens. It's part of our instincts as men.
3. The young adults don't grow out of it. Because the enablers (parents) don't see anything wrong until it's too late to act.
4. I'm going to add a point. A mother can raise a little boy. But can every mother raise a little boy into an independent grown man?
Maaaaaan the idea of living with my parents or grandparents at 25 is fuckin nuts. By 25 I was on my 2nd marriage, had a step-daughter, bought a house and was 7 years deep in a career.
Why are you personally attacking me 😔
It's the paradox of helping families through this whirlpool they find themselves in. When they look at what's happening, they can feel attacked, but what's being challenged is their not-looking.
Because you do nothing. Then earn and receive nothing.
Too late...