I'm a borderline & it's been over 4yrs no contact with my narcissistic ex. I left after going back & forth many times. I still think about him every day & look for his car occasionally. I know I can't ever make contact. This video has helped me to understand why the pull is still so strong even tho I don't actually even like him. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
I felt while reading your comment that I must have posted it because it’s 💯 how it is for me. I know I can’t ever have a conversation with this person again because, like a magnet, I lose myself. Listening to these videos has opened my eyes so much to my mental baggage and WHY I had virtually no control of the pull. Like he highjacked my mind. Let’s not forget, aside from the “attraction” because of the borderline/Narcissist dance. But the trauma bond that was created by the constant validation, idealization, and intense nature is so hard to break. It’s a soul tie (if you’re spiritual at all you should look into how to break it. It’s opened my eyes a to. As well.) but just like you- I wonder how I could think of that as love when I didn’t even like the dude. If I saw him on the street I wouldn’t even look back. So the confusion of that alone boggles my mind. And then to be so wrapped up mentally and physically… it’s a really helpless feeling. Uncontrollably all consuming. Every day I have to make a conscious effort to not go down that mental rabbit hole. I wish the best for you. Just know you’re not alone!
I'm a borderline and I've been in three relationshits with a narc. We are easily triggered so we are excellent supply for them especially once they ascertain what our hot buttons are.
@@niccolea2086 I never even posted that. I dont think its funny. Someone must have hacked my account. Im a grown A&& women and I dont think mental illness is funny. However, I get annoyed by people telling others what to do with their lives. Grow up, get a life and stop cyber bullying folks , thinking you're protecting someone. Did it ever occur to you that folks get their accounts hacked! Go after the hackers!
I am undiagnosed but I fit heavily into BPD traits. My husband is undiagnosed and fits very well with the npd traits. The entire relationship has felt like me chasing his approval, trying to earn his love and respect but never being worthy of it to him. Trying so hard to be seen and heard but never doing things “right” enough for him to see or hear me. It has felt like I want a close connection and he just wanted me here, technically his wife and his wife in my day to day duties and for him to refer to or talk about to his friends and acquaintances as it suits him to relate to others, but he never wanted the closeness of a real and meaningful relationship. He often told me I needed to worry about myself and stop focusing so much on him. But it was usually when I had caught him lying to me or being somewhere that was not appropriate/ doing something hurtful to me and the relationship that he would blow up and say I was obsessed and psycho. It was so he could create the distance he wanted to live his life how he wanted and disregard me and my needs or feelings.
Thank you for your comment! I just saw and read it at perhaps the perfect timing. The shame from this guy I let back into my life is very believable. It’s way to easy for me to accept his belittlement as my identity. I keep going back n forth on whether it’s me being a crazy problem maker or him actually doing cruel narcissistic demoralization on me. It’s wrong, sick, and so trapping. I appreciate your comment. You reminded me of reality. The place I need to get back to because this fantasy is ruining my life.
@@fire4myChrist The issue is, I have forgotten who I really am. Lost all focus on hobbies, skills, and path I was working so much to build my ideal future from. When we go no contact, I feel devastated like I’m dying inside. I can’t seem to let go of him not seeing me as important to him. The fact that he devalues me to then discard me completely grabs all my focus to try to convince him that he’s destroying us. Then I desperately hold onto the him that’s already gone. I want to handle this easier and see the reality. It feels weak and embarrassing that he has so much power to control my life. I don’t know how to get back to who I was so I can grow more. Escape these patterns.. just can’t seem to resist him when he comes back.
I am a borderline who is trying to understand what happened when I had a relationship with a narcissist. How I was drawn into another reality, hard for me to grasp. I had to leave him when it got to a point where I was physically hurt and in great danger. But I also perceived this love relationship was just as dangerous to my mind. I now understand what happened to us and Im very thankful for this explanation as Im trying to heal from the process of him discarting me.
Your videos are insane Professor. Insanely sensical in every way. I’ve danced this dance as a borderline for the past 5 years - I have a daughter who’s 4 and I’ve given her the most tumultuous upbringing since pregnancy. I had her when I was 20yo, I’m grateful to be a mother. My child gives me the ultimate reason to push on and work hard on my issues, including the relationship I have with her father who is undiagnosed but definitely highly narcissistic. To pop this shared delusion we have recently has given me an emptiness I haven’t experienced in a long time. As a teen I was always in a relationship and never spent a month single. I’ve grown and changed for the worst and the better on this parenthood journey. I’m commenting this more so for myself than anyone else but I will work my damn hardest to gain some normalcy in my being. I am cut off from my emotional regulation system (her father) it feels as if I’ve lost a limb tbh as it clearly shows he does not care in the ways that I do. I’m grateful to just be my child’s mother and not his mother anymore as that task completely consumed the little identity I do have, although I’m almost yearning for it internally as fkd up as that sounds. These are just the beginning days but I know better so I must do better and that starts with me. I spent many years trying to teach, guide and show my narc the errors in both of our beings only to some avail. I understand a lot more about myself and the world through this relationship than any other teaching. I’ll dedicate my life to obtaining knowledge and true self empowerment. I know what it is like to be an addict and have addictions and I know this “love/relationship” has been my biggest one yet but I’m ready to challenge the shit out of it in order to change the narrative of my life. I feel as if I owe it to the future generations of my lineage to give it the best crack now while I’m still young and impressionable. For my daughter I will do whatever it takes to become a good role model and source of wisdom for her.
I have bpd, I believe that my partner is a narcissist and this is our relationship in a nut shell. Blew my mind to have our push and pull summarized so well.
I no longer have a false sense of self my eyes are wide open. Fantasy no more. I do hope I won’t become so pessimistic that I refuse to bond again. Thank you for this explanation.
Once again…. Brilliant! As a high functioning borderline.. I’ll do anything to regulate, anything! Other people absolutely regulate me.. its like being in love with your drug dealers. What is sick- is that I know this is happening but can not stop myself from seeking regulation..only to become an emotional unhinged secondary psychopath when I do not get what I psychologically need. Someone can make or break my day with a couple of words… It doesn’t matter how many times I am told I am loved, I always need to be reassured.. approach/avoidant.. I hate you, don’t leave me.. is my life. I literally do research as an undergraduate because my grandiosity has to be fed in one way or another. I’ll work nights and weekends- just to be one of the best. I am a senior in college- psychology/sociology major in the attempt to save my life. Oh! And my partner of 11 years is a narcissist.. our mating dance is war
How can you do it for so long? My story is similar to yours (bpd) but as much as I am addicted to the war dance with the narc, I eventually tire of them not being the perfect promise they painted. My anger at them and the whole situation becomes so overwhelming and rage consumes me. So I discard them. I always discard them, never the other way around. The dance doesn’t last long, 1 or 2 years. And although I do many “mini” discards (ones that aren’t permanent and in the back of my mind I am aware of this) throughout the duration of the relationship, once I do the final discard I never look back again. Never speak another word to them. I guess I am wondering how you have not been pushed to run away? I agree that they regulate our emotions when they’re serving that role, but they’re also able to completely scramble and destroy any sort of emotional regulation and push me to levels of fury I didn’t know were humanly possible. And it’s in those moments that I welcome my inner psychopath to come out and take the reins.
You explain this so accurately. I am a borderliner and was diagnosed with cancer. I am ashamed to say I was happy, because it meant death was near. It's the romantisation of death. To be free of the daily mental grind This is something I cannot divulge to anyone. But you understand. Thank you!
Wow, only 10 minutes in and already mind-blown. This so perfectly explains sooo much and makes it so much easier to understand certain people in my life. It's nice to have clarity. Thank you. 🤯🙏
I love love love your BPD/NPD videos explaining the dance that exists between us and so eloquently and so painfully true. I don't agree with every point you bring up in regards to the Borderline but over all I wish my ex would watch your videos but if he did he wouldn't be him! Also, your hair does look good but you already knew that 🤗
Brilliant, as always. However, my question is... The Boderline-NPD couple as parents and the impact on their children, grandchildren, etc. Your first video on this pairing almost made up for 33 years of validation, or a lack there of. You are the only person in the world that gets me, and I'm okay with that. You are a gift, sir.
Holy crap you just explained every minute of my past relationships. I’ve known I’m borderline for a while but god damn, that was fucking end to end a perfect description. Thank you so much, this is eye opening
Hey Professor, I’ve watched some of your videos and I have to say that you nail it (are spot on) with describing a narcissist. No one has even come close to my perceptions and understandings of the mind of a narc like you. These ppl are in such incredible amounts of pain it’s unbelievable almost inconceivable, it’s absolutely astonishing to watch what they do. Mind boggling the lengths they go to. It’s all consuming energy they use to keep alive the feeling of pain inside them. And by doing so they remain the puppet of the very person that caused them all the pain. Like a good obedient little boy/girl. Perhaps they so deeply seek the approval of the parent that this is the only way they know how? They like to think that they are in control but they really are the most out of control ppl. The strings of their manipulator are still at play working within themselves. They just cannot let it go - the pain they feel. (and this is why no one can get thru) and obliterate everything around them in the same manner that the pain is within themselves. They have no belief whatsoever that they deserve to be loved. A sincere to the core belief that they are worthless, meaningless and hopeless. It’s a truely sad state of affairs within a narcissist. The best video I saw you do was a lecture but I no longer can find it, I think that maybe it has to do with an arguement you had with another dude so you removed it perhaps. My question for you is, do you have a video on the psychological impacts of children raised by a ‘true’ narcissist? I say ‘true’ bc the word narcissist is thrown about so much these days.
Sam you are simply THE BEST!!!! Nobody explains it better than you! Love listenning to you. You become a part of my life and your videos are my daily routine. Everyday at least 1 therapy hour with Sam is an absolute must! Thank you so much for everything you say. You help me to understand me and my bpd so much better. You keep me sane😅 and your hair was never of any interest ! 😂😂 lots of love! J.
You’ve got Hercule Poirot vibes. Apart from that. I‘m the BPD in the BPD-NPD relationship. My NPD’s emotional well is empty. Mine‘s overflowing. I can flood him with no consequence. Sane people people would suffer and drown. So there‘s an outlet for my flood and he gets the supply he craves. It‘s sad really.
Prof Vaknin casually sippin on a mega pint of blood his latest victim's blood. Seriously though, your videos and others like them helped me gain awareness and restored me to sanity. Eternally grateful.
It's called Marriage. The Two shall become one. 26.4 yrs for us . He is NPD She BPD. Love/Hate relationship. When his mask falls it is like looking into the eyes of the Devil and yet I will fight him tooth and nail then feel sorry and want to help nurture him to see the LIGHT. We are in separate quarters in silence the last 3weeks retreating for now until the next truce or battle . I cannot save him from himself.i cannot shake him awake. This may be the last battle. Spiritual warfare vs. Greek Tragedy🙏
Thank you so much for this one 🙏…. …..great sense of humor, very refreshing and much needed for coping with this serious topic…. …and your hair looks great 😉
You described me and my narcissist to a T! And yes, we can't let go of one another. I've watched many of your videos to try to understand the narcissist, and in doing so I have discovered I'm a borderline. My narcissist and I are traumatized meets traumatized. I so wish there was a way for us to have a normal loving relationship and not an emotional rollercoaster..It seems we are both at fault for this..sounds like we were made for one another
The narcissist will always have supply sources behind your back because one supply source is simply never enough (it's not because you're not enough). Although us borderlines truly love the narc or at least believe we do even though we just really love the way they regulate our emotions, the narc doesn't love us and only gets sexual gratification by humiliating us. The narc uses us, only wants us when we're idealizing, admiring or obsessing over them, drains us of our resources especially financial. They distort our already broken sense of identity, sabotages our lives so we're left a shell of who we were before meeting them, exploits our weaknesses over and over to see how far we bend, and then when the new supply is set up and ready to take over we are discarded to the side like trash and with no closure whatsoever. You're relationship with your narc will never end well and you're constantly on edge wondering what they have up their sleeve next for you. You never know what random stranger is laughing behind your back because your narc invited them into your relationship and making you share them with you. Just leave them and save yourself .
This is remarkable. Wow. Thank you, Sam, for sharing the motivations behind these types of disorders. You have been able to create a model that truly makes sense. Others' attempts to explain these behaviors focus on traits and not necessarily the reasons or motivations behind them. Often they are judgmental. Keep up the great work!
To me, this sounds like the description of the vast majority of male-female relationships, what men look for in their partner (Narcissist looking for four "S"s), vs what women look for in their partner (Borderline looking for emotional regulation).
Thats why i informally cater coriza borderline as a femenine disorder and narcissism as a masculine disorder. Based on my observations even women that are narcisists behave and even look more like men. Bpd men as well behave like women and are gay often. Lending credence to my theory.
@@TheIsraelProphetessI think this is just due to how they are raised, the culture and society... I have BPD as a man, and hella defiance and other ASPD stuff. I never associated these things with men or women.. There's evidence Narcissistic PD is rising in women FAST. So it seems like being rich, famous and successful, often times this was reserved to men for most of humanity, now that it's becoming more fair you are seeing it balance out on both ends. There's so much sexist logic in here tf 😂 men are babies, angry fucking toddlers, we all know this, men hiding emotions doesn't mean they phase of reality, men just hide them. It has nothing to do with masculinity, that's more tied to like abuse, rape and murder fr
I believe that the "patriarchal culture" has forced women into the role of object, of those who must provide sex, services and security to men. The narcissist is the prototype of the "real man", while the "woman" is destined to be a poor borderline who depends on the man for her very existence, economic, social and emotional. After all, the Bible says that man (and not woman) was made in the image of God! Isn't it a narcissistic statement to say that man is like God??? Obviously when you come from a traumatic childhood the "roles" become more rigid and all-encompassing (you have to attach yourself to something and you attach yourself to an external model, provided by society, taking it to the extreme). With greater equality between the sexes, it is likely that narcissistic women and borderline men will increase. Or, perhaps, if women are able to have more awareness of their own value and bring a little more empathy and maternal instinct into the world, we will be able to protect children from the irresponsible behavior of adults incapable of truly being fathers and mothers (because they are they are also traumatized people). And there will be no more narcissists and borderlines. Let's hope so!
👏👏👏👏 Thanks, Professor! Your metaphors really do it for me. As per life experience, this is totally how the game rolls. So amphibian, so mind boggling, so explosive to body on hormonal level, that there is no way to see through bullet-time. You caught the whole tale by it's tail in this video, Doctor. I am on it, will translate into Russian, post on my chanel and send you a copy. That's my thing, love it! - Your Ukrainian-American co-thinker. Please continue speaking your truth. 🎯💛💙🌐
Topic suggestion inspired by this video as you mentioned the books - Is the huminization of animals, especially attachment dogs a mental disorder ? Some women give their pet a "child status" claiming that their animal is capable of giving true love and humans are not. The pet is groomed and spoilt and some of these women even create social media accounts (e.g. Instragram) for the pet - where the pet refers to the owner as "mommy". Are they using the pet as a surregate for supply? These women are incabable to love their intimate partner beyond the idealization or honeymoon phase as they devalue and discard when confronted with individual boundaries . When the pet dies, they are totally devastated, whilst coldly discarding a human partner seems to cause no emotion and show 0 empathy. This bond to the "perfect" pet seems so strong, as they feel it is 100% under their control, it does not talk back, does not challange and provides some kind of object consistency, attracts others attention and mood regulation in their life.
I an a classic borderline female. Narcissistic men are drawn to me in psychopathic way and I have even been raped twice back when I was in college. The second time was by an narcissistic ex who raped me the day I broke up with him.he forced me to stay with him and I did. In the moment it did not seem like rape because it’s your own boyfriend. But he discarded me about a year after that incident. Yes, he ended up breaking up with me. I chased after him endlessly only to be mocked, laughed at by him and his new gf. He eventually married and had children with her. Then he started stalking me. He follows my every move even to this day. I hate him more than anything in this world. But sincerely the guy just cannot get over me. Which feeds my ego, obviously. But also fills me with profound hatred. I say all the time I could just kill him. And maybe that’s exactly what he wants.
Professor Vaknin, I am rarely left speechless. Rarely. But I an completely and utterly speechless at the moment. I've consumed an inordinate amount of watered-down and pseudo psychology over the past few years, and thought I knew everything there was to know about the Borderline/Narcissist diad. But this video has disrupted my entire notion of not just my relationships with Borderlines, but of my self as a narcissist. I've seen your videos in the past but never really took the time to properly consume one-- until now. And I'm looking forward to a nice binge session of your content. Thank you so much for the insight! Brendan
@@brendanoconnorphotography I am a woman with borderline personality disorder. I had a relationship with a narcissistic man. He chased me a lot when I left him and I always came back to him despite the destruction he caused me. Does the narcissistic man have feelings for the borderline woman? Can he love her? Does he feel that she is a different woman from the rest of his victims who do not have a personality disorder? Thank you very much
@@Shams_Hussam99 Sorry, I needed some time to think about the question. So to answer your questions: Yes a narcissistic man can love you. However, he is going to always want to leave you. Even when he loves you. It's just our nature. Unless he admits that he is a Narcissist and gets help then he will leave you over and over again. Not to cause you pain. But to keep himself from being in pain. Narcissistic men need space and new and exciting things. And you can't provide that. Nor should you. But yes he can love you. And he likely loves you more because you have Borderline. But until he gets help he will always hurt you in the end.
@@brendanoconnorphotography Thank you very much you gave me invaluable information thank you very much and borderline women also love and are attracted to a narcissistic man more than any other man because only a narcissistic man can kill our feelings and make us feel like we are not alive and this transformation is great for us but there is a video that says Professor Sam Vaknin The Border Woman Makes the Narcissistic Man Feel Alive by Pain? Is it true that a borderline woman is able to give life to a narcissist?
This really explains my relationship. It hurts so bad but we never can leave. We keep coming back together. i feel so broken over and over again but i can't stay away. We do hoover each other. My person said we are a like a chain . It's so painful.
Lol same 🤦🏼♀️ fml how can I even have love if it’s not narcissist lol I live for love ❤️ fml us borderlines rock! We have soo much passion eff boring people. My moms a narc my dads a narc. Borderlines and narcs need each other. At least we feel alive with our narc. Dammit the trauma is done. The trauma is forever :/ 🤷🏼♀️
That was really eye opening. This is the first of your videos that I have seen, and i just wanted to tell you that you do a wonderful job explaining the information in ways that truly are accurate with a bpd or npd diagnosis. I really enjoyed it. Thank you
Hands down, what you convey in this video, is the most accurate description of my existance. I appreciate your humor, your authenticity, and openness. To hear and process such, is heavy and painful. Fortunately, I find your style of educating and entertaining to be my cup of tea. Thanks for provoking much thought, clarity, and laughter . Thanks for giving your insights so freely, they're truly priceless.
I have been dx with Bipolar but I think I have Borderline. My husband is a narcissist. We’ve separated many times over the past 32 years and we are together now. I was extremely disregulated during our separations so I will never leave again. I can’t even imagine going through that again. We are able to get our needs met by each other. I literally just have to tell him what to do and say because he has no emotional intelligence. He goes along with the program because he doesn’t like being without this relationship either.
Eloquently said, you inspire me and educate me thank you. You are most certainly a guru, the best explanation in regards to these subject. Love listening to you. Your hair cut looks fabulous 🙏
My husbands ex got 17 years of alimony he can’t afford. 9 years later she still emails him. 12 years later the judge gave her 70-% of his salary. He never told me he was emailing with her. She’s covert narc. He is BOD. he cheats lies and sneaks snd hid it Fe 1 yeas. Be what. ? I’m in my 60s. And I love your haircut and glasses. You saved my life 10 years ago. I think you’re awesome
Sincerely thank you for this video - makes things much clearer! You are right that we fall in love with ourselves and gain control over our functions with a narcissist. I was always confused as to why I feel so empty and meaningless without him. He was very encouraging of me and I had the confidence to do anything, as if I had him to fall back onto if I fail - mother, as you say :). Now I am single as I did run away from being demolished! (To me the worst part was his projection/blame shifting and forcing me into trusting him over the truth of who I knew I was. I would find that often he would try to force the dynamic he had with his birth mother onto me - who he blamed/criticized always and tried to punish. Why does he force this conflict and what is the outcome he hopes to get from this? The mother - in this case me -.-' taking the blame for him? Thus him not having to feel attacked/bad?) Do you think we can learn to regulate/self-love without the narcissist? I feel relationship with the narcissist teaches us how to become stronger and more confident - as we now know our self worth as we've experienced it thanks to the narcissist! I am very grateful for what he has shown me about myself. I even believe narcissists have better insight into psyche of others, to see their true potential. Even if they don't see them 'clearly' as separate objects. Do you find that in your studies too? I also feel that, when we gain some strength to be without them, some kind of structure helps (As you've said, we are in chaos and they do offer stability, with unconditional love). Journaling, exercise, and finding meaning and self worth through other things - I found that doing little things from heart to share our love (that we would often times give to the narcissist), and give it to animal shelters, friends, causes that we believe in - can help with that emptiness, as we do feel the need to give something to get something in return. That something can be the narcissist - but can also be kitties! Similar they are too, super affectionate and needy, though seemingly aloof, and can bite if not given food when they want it!
Hello professor Vaknin. Sorry about the hairy ordeal. This is what women go through daily, sir. How does it make you feel to be as smart as you are and to be judged on your hairstyle? Thank you for educating us with your incredible knowledge. I learn so much from you every day, and not just by your teachings. Your poetry has moved me to tears as it shook my core. Thank you for expressing your pro-feminist views and appreciation of female intellectuals.
You hair looks gorgeous!!!!! Whatever you said today made so much sense regarding my ex narcissist friend His intimate partner is borderline personality they together for over a year and half I was actually wondering how he is holding on to her for so long I was discarded by the narcissist in a crazy way But I felt I was discarded long before he actually discard me
Wow! Thank you so much (and I love your hair lol) I understand a lot... I just want to be next to him, even if I know how bad he treats me... and because I did a lot of work on myself in the past 10 or 15 years, I know I can't accept this anymore, so I blocked him on the social media 2 months ago, when I realized who he was, after a few months of borderline-narcissist "dance", but it is so hard... because deeply I just want to be annihilated, despite all the self-work, it's like a junkie I am of this, and of him. And I see him 4 days a week at my workplace, which is really not the best in the circumstances... but in someways it helps me a lot to take my power back, because now the tables are turned and I give him a taste of his own medicine, but openly. Not hidden like him. He just obstinately want to return to the love-bombing and flatter me all the time, and I obstinately always put the truth in his face. For example this week he said to me that I am the one he loves the most at our workplace (which is some of the first things he said to me in january or february this year when I met him lol) and I reply with a surprised face : "Yikes! I don't want to know how you treat the others, if you treat me like this when you say you like me the most!" His face crumbled and he said : you... see... how.... I act with all the others... I don't like them! I reply : you treat all of them better than the way you've been treating me!!! He knows I am right. I know it too. And despite that, I just want to be under his arms, where I felt "home" for the first time of my life. How insane it is... I just don't care... well a part of me just don't care... in fact, this part of me just want that so much. So much. Nobody understands that. I felt in the begining of this "non"-story with him that he could be my best chance to heal, really heal... and when he tells me about his mother, I understand that I could be too his best chance to heal. But the price, yes... there's a price, too high for the part of me who is partly healed (sounds like it's very fragile, I know)... And I play with that... with him too, as another way to serve him his medicine, sometimes I just act like I will come back to him and then I ignore him. But this week, while I was doing this, I realize how deeply I love him. I "falled in love" a second time with him, knowing now who he really is, experiencing it from the inside if I could say... very weird feeling. And because I am able to love him this way, he will hates me, I know.
Omg I also have this feeling too... I think is trauma bonding sadly :(... I feel the need to get lost in him, I want to disappear and part of my unhealed part enjoys it, even turns me on... To see all his faces and to see through him. Then other times I want to make him suffer and I'm sadistic... It's so hard to restrain, we just recently went no contact but he messaged me today and I'm struggling to decide wether to answer or not ... He feels so addictive, and I know he also feels something because I left him and he keeps coming back
@@wzlkk3ghlf091 Now, 8 months later, I am now totally no contact with him since I left my job 5 months ago, for my health. The best move I ever made. It was very difficult at first... one day at a time... Now it's better, but I know I have to stay away because this feeling will be too hard to handle in front of him. Good luck with all this, stay strong... don't answer... but if you do, don't be mad at you, just go no contact again.
I can follow what you say very well. Most videos I just listen on headphones so I’m not concerned with what you look like. I think a lot of people watch these videos and fantasize about leaving their narcissist n never do.
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT, AND WAS MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THE EX NARCISSIST I WAS WITH FOR THIRTY YEARS BEFORE IT FINALLY ENDED. THE THING IS I (THE BL) FINALLY ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP.
Dear Sam, I am speechless the brilliant way you put the unexplainable mental disorders shredded in words and the wholeness of it all. Thank you so much! The more I listen to your deeply analytical side of the various mental disorders the less I take abusive behavior affect me personally. I realize it's a decease. On your lecture of the August 1. 2022 , a question arises in my head. My question is- My mentally disturbed husband uses our daughter as a bargaining Chip against me ( wife )ever since she was born. I got separated from him when our daughter was 6 year old. But he has an authority visitation plan - and in the end he groomed our daughter and managed to alienate her from the mother at 12 year old and he took her to his apartment. At that time I was totally cut of any communication with my daughter. Fortunately, I managed to get my daughter to see a psychotherapist, and the alienation process was not quite successful. Nevertheless, my daughter developed - an approach and avoidance compulsive - as you explained the term, to both of her parents. She is now 24 year old and she tries to lead her life far away from germany, in another country 🇺🇸 as was suggested by her psychotherapist, to get the daughter out of the power game. My daughter understands much more about the mental disorder and she feels obligated to take care of a 74 year old father. She is now closer to me, the mother, but when she comes to visit germany, I and my daughter agreed that she goes to her father’s apartment so in a way to not ruffle his feathers. I am witnessing the interesting points I learned from your lectures. My disordered husband is sitting in no more contact of what's so forever with me . Everything he tried failed. I guess, he know he can not use our daughter as a tool anymore so he is ignoring her as well. The question is. Do abusive father applies the rigide techniques with his daughter - Idealiz, love - bomb, discard even destroy ??? Sam, I wish to hear your analysis on this dear. The effect of your lectures caused me to kick off my so called psychotherapist . How I wish I would meet you one day. Greetings from Germany.
i think im a borderline but when i was younger i used to regulate myself by praying to God alot. and i felt so better after wards my qustion is can meditation heal a borderline??
Also if a Borderline rejects narcs hoovers, is he left tortured with the introject image of her in his mind hence becoming obsessed? Or will new supply replace the image?
I’m so curious to know What a narcissists “avatars” look like. Are we human symbols? A cartoon? Do we look real? Are we just a blob of color? A random picture of something? Is it random?
This summary is EFFING SCARY. I did commit mental suicide with ex abusive alchohilic porn addicted POS narc. I called 5 friends for help one day to stop myself from ever riding in a car with him again after the 1st and last time he held me hostage while he screamed in the vehicle driving me home, let alone talk/face him ever again- and have been regulating ever since. I sometimes see him in the area but I know like a drug to stay away... he would probably offset my BPD if that is what I have (scary also because both my gma and great-gma both died from suicide, so wow)
The borderline has a very unstable sense of self, and is almost incapable of self-love. So, much like the narc idealizes his partner bc it reflets/mirrors his image of himself, thus gratifying his ego, the borderline sees herself as capable of being loved/loveable because of the shared fantasy where she is loved unconditionally, even if it is an idealized version of herself. She cannot see her worth through her own perception- she needs someone to show her the value she was not ever taught to recognize internally. Narcs require external validation through their self-projection in the hall of mirrors, and the borderline requires external validation by having someone with a light to allow her to see the mirrors, at all. She doesn't want to exist, so she can see the void and is afraid of it. The narc IS the void, and seeks to consume, in order to exist.
What color dye do you use on your hair Sam ? Do tell !! And what a match up these two have, the borderline and narcissist. I've had some of these dynamics at play in past relationships give or take. Absolutely insightful. Thank you
55years borderline personality disorder .. alive and well newZealand mi narcissists is a murderer doing life.... rings me 2x a dae if not more.... thank u sam.
Sam, if the internal idealized image doesn’t match the external does this cause panic within the narcissist? For example, what happens when the borderline has a baby? Does the pregnancy cause a crisis within the narc since the internal and external are so extremely different?
I (BPD) had a 1 year permanent on/off relationship with a covert narc. Both we were unable to quit. When I left, he immediatly started hoovering, begging, chasing me to come back - and the other way around. It was so destructive. He discarded me 1,5 year ago when he found a new supply. I never got closure, instead I was blocked and completely ghosted. How was that possible? 6 month after beeing discarded and after I went no contact too, he unblocked me on social media. I unblocked him back but nothing else has happened since. Not sure if there will ever be a direct hoover from him or if that was all now. And as you see: the narc can leave and obviously will not stay trauma bonded. I thought he is trauma bonded too, but maybe I am wrong (or he still feels kind of addicted to me, but not that much that he has the desire to reach out).
He will contact you again since he unblocked you. He unblocked you for a reason and that is future hoovering when he discards the New supply. He is going to make an indirect implicit move. Not obvious hoovering. He will test the waters to see if you are still available for him. That's my experience from cerebral narcissists. They are afraid of direct rejection. The somatic doesn't really care because he is handsome and fit and has always a harem on the side
Dear Sam 😉i must say you are soo intereseted with us😍…border and narc are like twins separeted from birth 😅we say like this in italy 😜but we are so mezmeraized with the power of a narc and a little bit jealous 😇
Whenever I watch your videos, I have a deep urning to have a one on one session with you. An insatiable need to clarify wether my criminal addict covert narc in fact is a narc ( and not a psychopath)… and also wether I’m a borderline.. I have been diagnosed with borderline and ocd and add , but I have some symptoms that I never knew wether they speak of borderline experience or may be it’s something else or comorbidity .. I’ve never heard these elements that I’ve been describing as dominant in me , described as main borderline traits.. but then the fact that I need an external authority figure to explain to me who I am - renders me borderline ? I don’t know.. in any event , fascinated by your videos . Dying to solve these riddles. Can I send a description of my disorders as I experience to any e mail adress perhaps? It’s in Hebrew. It would be such an honor for me to hear what you make of it🙏
Sam is the only one that really speaks to the Narc/Borderline pairs. And, the answer is yes; look up child parentification. Most of these pairs I see in the wild are mother/son pairs.
Wow. I can't say it _perfectly_ describes the nearly 8 year relationship I just got out of but much of the dynamic is SO eerily similar. Are there subtle differences in the dynamic when the sexes are reversed? Like a narcissist female and borderline male? Or could the dyad be similar to this only with slightly different forms of narcissism and borderline? My gf came on so strong in the beginning, very love bomb-y talking about Koi No Yokan and within the first month was viewing our connection as being uncanny like soulmates. I had just a few years earlier come out of a relationship with an awful borderline though and I resisted a lot from the beginning. But slowly, with fits and starts (tons of avoidance from me) she gradually, over the years through all kinds of drama, pulled me in and just as I finally found myself fully submitted, committed and "on board" with her, she basically discarded me. Often times the dynamic was: I abandon her, she tries to discard me, I flip out and make a last ditch effort to get her back, somehow she gives in and takes me back. Then we're "ok" for a year or so until another cycle comes around. It wasn't always exactly like that though. There was an earlier break up somewhat instigated by both of us where within days she started talking to me again and started going on about the "red thread of fate" and fighting hard for a long time to drag me back into it. I resisted and avoided for a long time but somehow eventually she reacted in a such a way that triggered my desperation again. This time though, there was no major argument or anything. She just gradually became distant over the course of a few weeks and finally broke it off. Which naturally triggered weeks of absolute despair, unbearable levels of suicidal ideation in me. Which I'm still fighting. Another dynamic of the relationship was this almost intrinsically accepted narrative that *I* was the problem in the relationship while she could do no wrong. Her life was organized, she was virtually perfect at everything. Her job, her kid, etc. All of her ducks in a row. And I was the screw up. All the mistakes and difficulties in the relationship were mine to bare and take responsibility for while she was just _there_ , perfectly committed and only wanting to love me from the beginning. She was very harsh at times with me. She would say shit to me that I would never say to her in a million years. Curse me and insult my intelligence. Criticize my family and even discarded my child. But she was always able to make it seem like it was all perfectly justified. Well, my kid _did_ do x, y, and z and I _did_ all these terrible things to hurt _her_ . Yet, at the same time, she was so good at seeming like a totally genuine person. I mean, there was so much cutesie doting and emojis and gif sharing all the time, all the way up until the last week we were really together. Tons of romantic stuff that felt so unique and special to us and the way our personalities, sense of humor, and all that connected. There's just something about the relationship that makes it so hard to know whether it was this kind of borderline/narcissist or borderline/borderline kind of thing or just me being an asshole to a girl that "just wanted to love me".
Nice Story. Well, does her actions tell you that she still cares? No? She doesn't care anymore. Please take care of yourself, you matter, no matter what she does or thinks.
You weren't an a$$hole doing shit to a girl who 'just cares'. She sounds incredibly manipulative and has fukked with your self-concept. Girls who actually care leave you feeling a million bucks and like you could take on the world. They bring out your best self, not leave you broken into a thousand pieces. Manipulative nasty people leave you on the ground broken. 😞 Prof Vaknin has a superb video about how your pain is the narcissists healing. Have a look for it, it will help you. Find a great therapist who understands narcissistic abuse, take walks in nature, I found guided meditation seriously helpful. Reconnect with old safe friends and loved ones, focus on your healing. 💛✨️
![Eminem - Fuel (feat. JID) [Official Lyric Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/t5H_CewqpKA/mqdefault.jpg)
I'm a borderline & it's been over 4yrs no contact with my narcissistic ex. I left after going back & forth many times. I still think about him every day & look for his car occasionally. I know I can't ever make contact. This video has helped me to understand why the pull is still so strong even tho I don't actually even like him. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
🙏
I felt while reading your comment that I must have posted it because it’s 💯 how it is for me. I know I can’t ever have a conversation with this person again because, like a magnet, I lose myself.
Listening to these videos has opened my eyes so much to my mental baggage and WHY I had virtually no control of the pull. Like he highjacked my mind. Let’s not forget, aside from the “attraction” because of the borderline/Narcissist dance. But the trauma bond that was created by the constant validation, idealization, and intense nature is so hard to break. It’s a soul tie (if you’re spiritual at all you should look into how to break it. It’s opened my eyes a to. As well.) but just like you- I wonder how I could think of that as love when I didn’t even like the dude. If I saw him on the street I wouldn’t even look back. So the confusion of that alone boggles my mind. And then to be so wrapped up mentally and physically… it’s a really helpless feeling. Uncontrollably all consuming. Every day I have to make a conscious effort to not go down that mental rabbit hole.
I wish the best for you. Just know you’re not alone!
Story of my current situation and When “you said I don’t actually like him “ I felt that my soul! cause that craving for them hits sooooo hard 😩😩
@@LaShawndra.Gilbert and the rumination over this person…. So demonic. Spiritual warfare x 100. I feel yah.
@A .H PRODUCTIONS unfortunately I get that😔
I fucking love this guy, explains personality disorders in the best possible way while being funny
While drinking wine!! Es increible!😅
Don't feed him!!
@@whow486why?
I'm a borderline and I've been in three relationshits with a narc. We are easily triggered so we are excellent supply for them especially once they ascertain what our hot buttons are.
Indeed, the covert narcissistic guy I know stated during a hoover, he "seeks to anger me.
@@niccolea2086 I never even posted that. I dont think its funny. Someone must have hacked my account. Im a grown A&& women and I dont think mental illness is funny. However, I get annoyed by people telling others what to do with their lives. Grow up, get a life and stop cyber bullying folks , thinking you're protecting someone. Did it ever occur to you that folks get their accounts hacked! Go after the hackers!
I am undiagnosed but I fit heavily into BPD traits. My husband is undiagnosed and fits very well with the npd traits. The entire relationship has felt like me chasing his approval, trying to earn his love and respect but never being worthy of it to him. Trying so hard to be seen and heard but never doing things “right” enough for him to see or hear me. It has felt like I want a close connection and he just wanted me here, technically his wife and his wife in my day to day duties and for him to refer to or talk about to his friends and acquaintances as it suits him to relate to others, but he never wanted the closeness of a real and meaningful relationship. He often told me I needed to worry about myself and stop focusing so much on him. But it was usually when I had caught him lying to me or being somewhere that was not appropriate/ doing something hurtful to me and the relationship that he would blow up and say I was obsessed and psycho. It was so he could create the distance he wanted to live his life how he wanted and disregard me and my needs or feelings.
Are we talking about the same guy?
It is as if you tell my story.
Thank you for your comment! I just saw and read it at perhaps the perfect timing. The shame from this guy I let back into my life is very believable. It’s way to easy for me to accept his belittlement as my identity. I keep going back n forth on whether it’s me being a crazy problem maker or him actually doing cruel narcissistic demoralization on me. It’s wrong, sick, and so trapping. I appreciate your comment. You reminded me of reality. The place I need to get back to because this fantasy is ruining my life.
@@fire4myChrist The issue is, I have forgotten who I really am. Lost all focus on hobbies, skills, and path I was working so much to build my ideal future from. When we go no contact, I feel devastated like I’m dying inside. I can’t seem to let go of him not seeing me as important to him. The fact that he devalues me to then discard me completely grabs all my focus to try to convince him that he’s destroying us. Then I desperately hold onto the him that’s already gone. I want to handle this easier and see the reality. It feels weak and embarrassing that he has so much power to control my life. I don’t know how to get back to who I was so I can grow more. Escape these patterns.. just can’t seem to resist him when he comes back.
@@fire4myChrist That was helpful though. I have to face the void or else risk filling it with another addiction. Thank you!
I am a borderline who is trying to understand what happened when I had a relationship with a narcissist. How I was drawn into another reality, hard for me to grasp. I had to leave him when it got to a point where I was physically hurt and in great danger. But I also perceived this love relationship was just as dangerous to my mind. I now understand what happened to us and Im very thankful for this explanation as Im trying to heal from the process of him discarting me.
the pain sounds never ending here
Your videos are insane Professor. Insanely sensical in every way. I’ve danced this dance as a borderline for the past 5 years - I have a daughter who’s 4 and I’ve given her the most tumultuous upbringing since pregnancy. I had her when I was 20yo, I’m grateful to be a mother. My child gives me the ultimate reason to push on and work hard on my issues, including the relationship I have with her father who is undiagnosed but definitely highly narcissistic. To pop this shared delusion we have recently has given me an emptiness I haven’t experienced in a long time. As a teen I was always in a relationship and never spent a month single. I’ve grown and changed for the worst and the better on this parenthood journey. I’m commenting this more so for myself than anyone else but I will work my damn hardest to gain some normalcy in my being. I am cut off from my emotional regulation system (her father) it feels as if I’ve lost a limb tbh as it clearly shows he does not care in the ways that I do. I’m grateful to just be my child’s mother and not his mother anymore as that task completely consumed the little identity I do have, although I’m almost yearning for it internally as fkd up as that sounds. These are just the beginning days but I know better so I must do better and that starts with me. I spent many years trying to teach, guide and show my narc the errors in both of our beings only to some avail. I understand a lot more about myself and the world through this relationship than any other teaching. I’ll dedicate my life to obtaining knowledge and true self empowerment. I know what it is like to be an addict and have addictions and I know this “love/relationship” has been my biggest one yet but I’m ready to challenge the shit out of it in order to change the narrative of my life. I feel as if I owe it to the future generations of my lineage to give it the best crack now while I’m still young and impressionable. For my daughter I will do whatever it takes to become a good role model and source of wisdom for her.
This is highly relatable and inspirational. Thank you for sharing.
I have bpd, I believe that my partner is a narcissist and this is our relationship in a nut shell. Blew my mind to have our push and pull summarized so well.
It's crazy how lacking self awareness can keep you in a dynamic like that for years....
I no longer have a false sense of self my eyes are wide open. Fantasy no more. I do hope I won’t become so pessimistic that I refuse to bond again. Thank you for this explanation.
Me too.. no more fantasy, but what now
Once again…. Brilliant!
As a high functioning borderline.. I’ll do anything to regulate, anything! Other people absolutely regulate me.. its like being in love with your drug dealers. What is sick- is that I know this is happening but can not stop myself from seeking regulation..only to become an emotional unhinged secondary psychopath when I do not get what I psychologically need.
Someone can make or break my day with a couple of words… It doesn’t matter how many times I am told I am loved, I always need to be reassured.. approach/avoidant.. I hate you, don’t leave me.. is my life.
I literally do research as an undergraduate because my grandiosity has to be fed in one way or another. I’ll work nights and weekends- just to be one of the best.
I am a senior in college- psychology/sociology major in the attempt to save my life.
Oh! And my partner of 11 years is a narcissist.. our mating dance is war
How can you do it for so long? My story is similar to yours (bpd) but as much as I am addicted to the war dance with the narc, I eventually tire of them not being the perfect promise they painted. My anger at them and the whole situation becomes so overwhelming and rage consumes me. So I discard them. I always discard them, never the other way around. The dance doesn’t last long, 1 or 2 years. And although I do many “mini” discards (ones that aren’t permanent and in the back of my mind I am aware of this) throughout the duration of the relationship, once I do the final discard I never look back again. Never speak another word to them. I guess I am wondering how you have not been pushed to run away? I agree that they regulate our emotions when they’re serving that role, but they’re also able to completely scramble and destroy any sort of emotional regulation and push me to levels of fury I didn’t know were humanly possible. And it’s in those moments that I welcome my inner psychopath to come out and take the reins.
I made it 26 years. The answer is friends tons of friends lol
You explain this so accurately. I am a borderliner and was diagnosed with cancer. I am ashamed to say I was happy, because it meant death was near. It's the romantisation of death. To be free of the daily mental grind This is something I cannot divulge to anyone. But you understand. Thank you!
Wow, only 10 minutes in and already mind-blown. This so perfectly explains sooo much and makes it so much easier to understand certain people in my life. It's nice to have clarity. Thank you. 🤯🙏
I love love love your BPD/NPD videos explaining the dance that exists between us and so eloquently and so painfully true. I don't agree with every point you bring up in regards to the Borderline but over all I wish my ex would watch your videos but if he did he wouldn't be him! Also, your hair does look good but you already knew that 🤗
Brilliant, as always. However, my question is... The Boderline-NPD couple as parents and the impact on their children, grandchildren, etc. Your first video on this pairing almost made up for 33 years of validation, or a lack there of. You are the only person in the world that gets me, and I'm okay with that. You are a gift, sir.
Narcissists are lost children who never grew up and want to rest the love other have for them
Holy crap you just explained every minute of my past relationships. I’ve known I’m borderline for a while but god damn, that was fucking end to end a perfect description. Thank you so much, this is eye opening
Hey Professor, I’ve watched some of your videos and I have to say that you nail it (are spot on) with describing a narcissist. No one has even come close to my perceptions and understandings of the mind of a narc like you. These ppl are in such incredible amounts of pain it’s unbelievable almost inconceivable, it’s absolutely astonishing to watch what they do. Mind boggling the lengths they go to. It’s all consuming energy they use to keep alive the feeling of pain inside them. And by doing so they remain the puppet of the very person that caused them all the pain. Like a good obedient little boy/girl. Perhaps they so deeply seek the approval of the parent that this is the only way they know how? They like to think that they are in control but they really are the most out of control ppl. The strings of their manipulator are still at play working within themselves.
They just cannot let it go - the pain they feel. (and this is why no one can get thru) and obliterate everything around them in the same manner that the pain is within themselves. They have no belief whatsoever that they deserve to be loved. A sincere to the core belief that they are worthless, meaningless and hopeless. It’s a truely sad state of affairs within a narcissist.
The best video I saw you do was a lecture but I no longer can find it, I think that maybe it has to do with an arguement you had with another dude so you removed it perhaps.
My question for you is, do you have a video on the psychological impacts of children raised by a ‘true’ narcissist?
I say ‘true’ bc the word narcissist is thrown about so much these days.
Sam you are simply THE BEST!!!! Nobody explains it better than you! Love listenning to you. You become a part of my life and your videos are my daily routine. Everyday at least 1 therapy hour with Sam is an absolute must! Thank you so much for everything you say. You help me to understand me and my bpd so much better. You keep me sane😅 and your hair was never of any interest ! 😂😂 lots of love! J.
Love the sense of humor. Thank you for your post.
You’ve got Hercule Poirot vibes. Apart from that. I‘m the BPD in the BPD-NPD relationship. My NPD’s emotional well is empty. Mine‘s overflowing. I can flood him with no consequence. Sane people people would suffer and drown. So there‘s an outlet for my flood and he gets the supply he craves. It‘s sad really.
this is so ridiculously accurate lmfao i can’t even deal . i’m blocked by my narc and can’t even send him this 😂😂😂😂 i need helllllpppppppp
WOW. This is brilliant. This describes my situation exactly.
Thank you!
Prof Vaknin casually sippin on a mega pint of blood his latest victim's blood. Seriously though, your videos and others like them helped me gain awareness and restored me to sanity. Eternally grateful.
😂😂😂
It's called Marriage. The
Two shall become one.
26.4 yrs for us . He is NPD
She BPD. Love/Hate relationship. When his mask falls it is like looking into the eyes of the Devil and yet I will fight him tooth and nail then feel sorry and want to help nurture him to see the LIGHT. We are in separate quarters in silence the last 3weeks retreating for now until the next truce or battle . I cannot save him from himself.i cannot shake him awake. This may be the last battle. Spiritual warfare vs. Greek Tragedy🙏
I tell mines I am Athena and I send my owl to watch over him. His a narcissist and I'm BPD..what a ride
This is a game changer, really. Thank you so much!
Wow this is an incredibly insightful explanation of such a complex dynamic. Thank you for the content!
Thank you so much for this one 🙏….
…..great sense of humor, very refreshing and much needed for coping with this serious topic….
…and your hair looks great 😉
Have realised what it was, in less than 2 months. Its over. So glad u see it for what it is.
Thank you 🙏🏻 you’re the only one that seems to help me understand myself!
You described me and my narcissist to a T! And yes, we can't let go of one another. I've watched many of your videos to try to understand the narcissist, and in doing so I have discovered I'm a borderline. My narcissist and I are traumatized meets traumatized. I so wish there was a way for us to have a normal loving relationship and not an emotional rollercoaster..It seems we are both at fault for this..sounds like we were made for one another
PS: your hair looks great 😊
The narcissist will always have supply sources behind your back because one supply source is simply never enough (it's not because you're not enough). Although us borderlines truly love the narc or at least believe we do even though we just really love the way they regulate our emotions, the narc doesn't love us and only gets sexual gratification by humiliating us. The narc uses us, only wants us when we're idealizing, admiring or obsessing over them, drains us of our resources especially financial. They distort our already broken sense of identity, sabotages our lives so we're left a shell of who we were before meeting them, exploits our weaknesses over and over to see how far we bend, and then when the new supply is set up and ready to take over we are discarded to the side like trash and with no closure whatsoever. You're relationship with your narc will never end well and you're constantly on edge wondering what they have up their sleeve next for you. You never know what random stranger is laughing behind your back because your narc invited them into your relationship and making you share them with you. Just leave them and save yourself
.
This is remarkable. Wow. Thank you, Sam, for sharing the motivations behind these types of disorders. You have been able to create a model that truly makes sense. Others' attempts to explain these behaviors focus on traits and not necessarily the reasons or motivations behind them. Often they are judgmental. Keep up the great work!
Absolutely amazing and mind blowing, very well explained, each part, each connection. And so is your hair. 😆
To me, this sounds like the description of the vast majority of male-female relationships, what men look for in their partner (Narcissist looking for four "S"s), vs what women look for in their partner (Borderline looking for emotional regulation).
Thats why i informally cater coriza borderline as a femenine disorder and narcissism as a masculine disorder. Based on my observations even women that are narcisists behave and even look more like men. Bpd men as well behave like women and are gay often. Lending credence to my theory.
@@TheIsraelProphetessinteresting! Do you have any literature on your observations?
@@TheIsraelProphetessI think this is just due to how they are raised, the culture and society...
I have BPD as a man, and hella defiance and other ASPD stuff.
I never associated these things with men or women..
There's evidence Narcissistic PD is rising in women FAST. So it seems like being rich, famous and successful, often times this was reserved to men for most of humanity, now that it's becoming more fair you are seeing it balance out on both ends.
There's so much sexist logic in here tf 😂 men are babies, angry fucking toddlers, we all know this, men hiding emotions doesn't mean they phase of reality, men just hide them. It has nothing to do with masculinity, that's more tied to like abuse, rape and murder fr
I believe that the "patriarchal culture" has forced women into the role of object, of those who must provide sex, services and security to men. The narcissist is the prototype of the "real man", while the "woman" is destined to be a poor borderline who depends on the man for her very existence, economic, social and emotional. After all, the Bible says that man (and not woman) was made in the image of God! Isn't it a narcissistic statement to say that man is like God??? Obviously when you come from a traumatic childhood the "roles" become more rigid and all-encompassing (you have to attach yourself to something and you attach yourself to an external model, provided by society, taking it to the extreme). With greater equality between the sexes, it is likely that narcissistic women and borderline men will increase. Or, perhaps, if women are able to have more awareness of their own value and bring a little more empathy and maternal instinct into the world, we will be able to protect children from the irresponsible behavior of adults incapable of truly being fathers and mothers (because they are they are also traumatized people). And there will be no more narcissists and borderlines. Let's hope so!
👏👏👏👏 Thanks, Professor!
Your metaphors really do it for me.
As per life experience, this is totally how the game rolls. So amphibian, so mind boggling, so explosive to body on hormonal level, that there is no way to see through bullet-time.
You caught the whole tale by it's tail in this video, Doctor.
I am on it, will translate into Russian, post on my chanel and send you a copy. That's my thing, love it!
- Your Ukrainian-American co-thinker.
Please continue speaking your truth.
🎯💛💙🌐
Monsieur Professör ... Sie haben einen köstlich diametralen Humor ... faszinierend 🎉
Your are the best VAKnin. All your videos are on point. I appreciate you . They have helped alot
Topic suggestion inspired by this video as you mentioned the books - Is the huminization of animals, especially attachment dogs a mental disorder ?
Some women give their pet a "child status" claiming that their animal is capable of giving true love and humans are not. The pet is groomed and spoilt and some of these women even create social media accounts (e.g. Instragram) for the pet - where the pet refers to the owner as "mommy". Are they using the pet as a surregate for supply?
These women are incabable to love their intimate partner beyond the idealization or honeymoon phase as they devalue and discard when confronted with individual boundaries . When the pet dies, they are totally devastated, whilst coldly discarding a human partner seems to cause no emotion and show 0 empathy.
This bond to the "perfect" pet seems so strong, as they feel it is 100% under their control, it does not talk back, does not challange and provides some kind of object consistency, attracts others attention and mood regulation in their life.
Great observation!
I an a classic borderline female. Narcissistic men are drawn to me in psychopathic way and I have even been raped twice back when I was in college. The second time was by an narcissistic ex who raped me the day I broke up with him.he forced me to stay with him and I did. In the moment it did not seem like rape because it’s your own boyfriend. But he discarded me about a year after that incident. Yes, he ended up breaking up with me. I chased after him endlessly only to be mocked, laughed at by him and his new gf. He eventually married and had children with her. Then he started stalking me. He follows my every move even to this day. I hate him more than anything in this world. But sincerely the guy just cannot get over me. Which feeds my ego, obviously. But also fills me with profound hatred. I say all the time I could just kill him. And maybe that’s exactly what he wants.
Professor Vaknin, I am rarely left speechless. Rarely. But I an completely and utterly speechless at the moment. I've consumed an inordinate amount of watered-down and pseudo psychology over the past few years, and thought I knew everything there was to know about the Borderline/Narcissist diad. But this video has disrupted my entire notion of not just my relationships with Borderlines, but of my self as a narcissist. I've seen your videos in the past but never really took the time to properly consume one-- until now. And I'm looking forward to a nice binge session of your content.
Thank you so much for the insight!
Brendan
Hello, I am a woman with borderline personality disorder, can I ask you some questions please
@@Shams_Hussam99 of course
@@brendanoconnorphotography
I am a woman with borderline personality disorder. I had a relationship with a narcissistic man. He chased me a lot when I left him and I always came back to him despite the destruction he caused me. Does the narcissistic man have feelings for the borderline woman? Can he love her? Does he feel that she is a different woman from the rest of his victims who do not have a personality disorder? Thank you very much
@@Shams_Hussam99 Sorry, I needed some time to think about the question. So to answer your questions:
Yes a narcissistic man can love you. However, he is going to always want to leave you. Even when he loves you. It's just our nature. Unless he admits that he is a Narcissist and gets help then he will leave you over and over again. Not to cause you pain. But to keep himself from being in pain. Narcissistic men need space and new and exciting things. And you can't provide that. Nor should you. But yes he can love you. And he likely loves you more because you have Borderline. But until he gets help he will always hurt you in the end.
@@brendanoconnorphotography
Thank you very much you gave me invaluable information thank you very much and borderline women also love and are attracted to a narcissistic man more than any other man because only a narcissistic man can kill our feelings and make us feel like we are not alive and this transformation is great for us but there is a video that says Professor Sam Vaknin The Border Woman Makes the Narcissistic Man Feel Alive by Pain? Is it true that a borderline woman is able to give life to a narcissist?
This really explains my relationship. It hurts so bad but we never can leave. We keep coming back together. i feel so broken over and over again but i can't stay away. We do hoover each other. My person said we are a like a chain . It's so painful.
I had BPD and it's been a year since I broke up with my ex who has NPD and as a psychoanalyst myself this was truly fascinating thank you!
I realized that I can only love narcissist men. And you know what, who cares, let him come to me again, so we can heal.
😂😂😂 I hear you same here
Sameee
Lol same 🤦🏼♀️ fml how can I even have love if it’s not narcissist lol I live for love ❤️ fml us borderlines rock! We have soo much passion eff boring people. My moms a narc my dads a narc. Borderlines and narcs need each other. At least we feel alive with our narc. Dammit the trauma is done. The trauma is forever :/ 🤷🏼♀️
That was really eye opening. This is the first of your videos that I have seen, and i just wanted to tell you that you do a wonderful job explaining the information in ways that truly are accurate with a bpd or npd diagnosis. I really enjoyed it. Thank you
Hands down, what you convey in this video, is the most accurate description of my existance. I appreciate your humor, your authenticity, and openness. To hear and process such, is heavy and painful. Fortunately, I find your style of educating and entertaining to be my cup of tea. Thanks for provoking much thought, clarity, and laughter . Thanks for giving your insights so freely, they're truly priceless.
I have been dx with Bipolar but I think I have Borderline. My husband is a narcissist. We’ve separated many times over the past 32 years and we are together now. I was extremely disregulated during our separations so I will never leave again. I can’t even imagine going through that again. We are able to get our needs met by each other. I literally just have to tell him what to do and say because he has no emotional intelligence. He goes along with the program because he doesn’t like being without this relationship either.
Thanks for your video and a nice hair cut 😄
Eloquently said, you inspire me and educate me thank you. You are most certainly a guru, the best explanation in regards to these subject. Love listening to you. Your hair cut looks fabulous 🙏
All true! And has been lived through! Thank you Prof. Vakinin!
Sam I yearned and pined for “Malignant Self Love, Narcissism Revisited” so we own it now thank you
Thank you Samaharishi. This one was just as hilarious as it was revealing. Really appreciate it.
My husbands ex got 17 years of alimony he can’t afford. 9 years later she still emails him. 12 years later the judge gave her 70-% of his salary. He never told me he was emailing with her. She’s covert narc. He is BOD. he cheats lies and sneaks snd hid it Fe 1 yeas. Be what. ? I’m in my 60s. And I love your haircut and glasses. You saved my life 10 years ago. I think you’re awesome
Professor Sam, not a question, your hair is lovely! 🥂
Sincerely thank you for this video - makes things much clearer! You are right that we fall in love with ourselves and gain control over our functions with a narcissist. I was always confused as to why I feel so empty and meaningless without him. He was very encouraging of me and I had the confidence to do anything, as if I had him to fall back onto if I fail - mother, as you say :). Now I am single as I did run away from being demolished! (To me the worst part was his projection/blame shifting and forcing me into trusting him over the truth of who I knew I was. I would find that often he would try to force the dynamic he had with his birth mother onto me - who he blamed/criticized always and tried to punish. Why does he force this conflict and what is the outcome he hopes to get from this? The mother - in this case me -.-' taking the blame for him? Thus him not having to feel attacked/bad?)
Do you think we can learn to regulate/self-love without the narcissist? I feel relationship with the narcissist teaches us how to become stronger and more confident - as we now know our self worth as we've experienced it thanks to the narcissist! I am very grateful for what he has shown me about myself. I even believe narcissists have better insight into psyche of others, to see their true potential. Even if they don't see them 'clearly' as separate objects. Do you find that in your studies too? I also feel that, when we gain some strength to be without them, some kind of structure helps (As you've said, we are in chaos and they do offer stability, with unconditional love). Journaling, exercise, and finding meaning and self worth through other things - I found that doing little things from heart to share our love (that we would often times give to the narcissist), and give it to animal shelters, friends, causes that we believe in - can help with that emptiness, as we do feel the need to give something to get something in return. That something can be the narcissist - but can also be kitties! Similar they are too, super affectionate and needy, though seemingly aloof, and can bite if not given food when they want it!
And the attention never goes to kids, unless it is unbalanced...
Hello professor Vaknin. Sorry about the hairy ordeal. This is what women go through daily, sir. How does it make you feel to be as smart as you are and to be judged on your hairstyle? Thank you for educating us with your incredible knowledge. I learn so much from you every day, and not just by your teachings. Your poetry has moved me to tears as it shook my core. Thank you for expressing your pro-feminist views and appreciation of female intellectuals.
You hair looks gorgeous!!!!!
Whatever you said today made so much sense regarding my ex narcissist friend
His intimate partner is borderline personality they together for over a year and half I was actually wondering how he is holding on to her for so long
I was discarded by the narcissist in a crazy way
But I felt I was discarded long before he actually discard me
Wow! Thank you so much (and I love your hair lol) I understand a lot... I just want to be next to him, even if I know how bad he treats me... and because I did a lot of work on myself in the past 10 or 15 years, I know I can't accept this anymore, so I blocked him on the social media 2 months ago, when I realized who he was, after a few months of borderline-narcissist "dance", but it is so hard... because deeply I just want to be annihilated, despite all the self-work, it's like a junkie I am of this, and of him. And I see him 4 days a week at my workplace, which is really not the best in the circumstances... but in someways it helps me a lot to take my power back, because now the tables are turned and I give him a taste of his own medicine, but openly. Not hidden like him. He just obstinately want to return to the love-bombing and flatter me all the time, and I obstinately always put the truth in his face. For example this week he said to me that I am the one he loves the most at our workplace (which is some of the first things he said to me in january or february this year when I met him lol) and I reply with a surprised face : "Yikes! I don't want to know how you treat the others, if you treat me like this when you say you like me the most!"
His face crumbled and he said : you... see... how.... I act with all the others... I don't like them!
I reply : you treat all of them better than the way you've been treating me!!!
He knows I am right. I know it too. And despite that, I just want to be under his arms, where I felt "home" for the first time of my life. How insane it is... I just don't care... well a part of me just don't care... in fact, this part of me just want that so much. So much. Nobody understands that.
I felt in the begining of this "non"-story with him that he could be my best chance to heal, really heal... and when he tells me about his mother, I understand that I could be too his best chance to heal. But the price, yes... there's a price, too high for the part of me who is partly healed (sounds like it's very fragile, I know)... And I play with that... with him too, as another way to serve him his medicine, sometimes I just act like I will come back to him and then I ignore him. But this week, while I was doing this, I realize how deeply I love him. I "falled in love" a second time with him, knowing now who he really is, experiencing it from the inside if I could say... very weird feeling. And because I am able to love him this way, he will hates me, I know.
Omg I also have this feeling too... I think is trauma bonding sadly :(...
I feel the need to get lost in him, I want to disappear and part of my unhealed part enjoys it, even turns me on... To see all his faces and to see through him. Then other times I want to make him suffer and I'm sadistic...
It's so hard to restrain, we just recently went no contact but he messaged me today and I'm struggling to decide wether to answer or not ... He feels so addictive, and I know he also feels something because I left him and he keeps coming back
@@wzlkk3ghlf091 Now, 8 months later, I am now totally no contact with him since I left my job 5 months ago, for my health. The best move I ever made.
It was very difficult at first... one day at a time... Now it's better, but I know I have to stay away because this feeling will be too hard to handle in front of him. Good luck with all this, stay strong... don't answer... but if you do, don't be mad at you, just go no contact again.
Thank you Dr. Vaknin for another great video. Your videos are very educating and eye opening. Your new hairstyle is bomb! :)
I can follow what you say very well. Most videos I just listen on headphones so I’m not concerned with what you look like. I think a lot of people watch these videos and fantasize about leaving their narcissist n never do.
Been there, done that. Now a see it clearer.
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT, AND WAS MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THE EX NARCISSIST I WAS WITH FOR THIRTY YEARS BEFORE IT FINALLY ENDED. THE THING IS I (THE BL) FINALLY ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP.
Same 27 years had no clue till a therapist educated me
Thank you for your expertise.
You have described verbatim the dynamics I have witnessed in these types of relationships. Amazing!
Dear Sam, I am speechless the brilliant way you put the unexplainable mental disorders shredded in words and the wholeness of it all. Thank you so much! The more I listen to your deeply analytical side of the various mental disorders the less I take abusive behavior affect me personally. I realize it's a decease.
On your lecture of the August 1. 2022 , a question arises in my head. My question is- My mentally disturbed husband uses our daughter as a bargaining Chip against me ( wife )ever since she was born. I got separated from him when our daughter was 6 year old. But he has an authority visitation plan - and in the end he groomed our daughter and managed to alienate her from the mother at 12 year old and he took her to his apartment. At that time I was totally cut of any communication with my daughter.
Fortunately, I managed to get my daughter to see a psychotherapist, and the alienation process was not quite successful. Nevertheless, my daughter developed - an approach and avoidance compulsive - as you explained the term, to both of her parents. She is now 24 year old and she tries to lead her life far away from germany, in another country 🇺🇸 as was suggested by her psychotherapist, to get the daughter out of the power game. My daughter understands much more about the mental disorder and she feels obligated to take care of a 74 year old father. She is now closer to me, the mother, but when she comes to visit germany, I and my daughter agreed that she goes to her father’s apartment so in a way to not ruffle his feathers. I am witnessing the interesting points I learned from your lectures. My disordered husband is sitting in no more contact of what's so forever with me . Everything he tried failed. I guess, he know he can not use our daughter as a tool anymore so he is ignoring her as well.
The question is. Do abusive father applies the rigide techniques with his daughter - Idealiz, love - bomb, discard even destroy ???
Sam, I wish to hear your analysis on this
dear. The effect of your lectures caused me to kick off my so called psychotherapist . How I wish I would meet you one day. Greetings from Germany.
Absolutely brilliant
From Buenos Aires, Argentina… thank you for all your videos, Dr Vaknin. You help me a lot !!! Great sense of humor ! 🤗🤗
Another great video Prof.Vaknin. Thank you :)
Never mind the hair; you started the video wearing glasses and then by the end they were gone 😊
TRUY ENJOYED THIS VIDEO, TOPIC VERY INFORMATIVE AND OF COURSE, YOUR HUMOR, YOUR HAIIIIR!
This is the greatest video ever 🖤
Your hair looks great!!!
professor Vaknin, thank you.
i think im a borderline but when i was younger i used to regulate myself by praying to God alot. and i felt so better after wards my qustion is can meditation heal a borderline??
Also if a Borderline rejects narcs hoovers, is he left tortured with the introject image of her in his mind hence becoming obsessed? Or will new supply replace the image?
Your hair is fabulous ❤️💕
Informative talk as always by Prof Vaknin
This my sister (borderline) and her husband (narcissist)
I'm far too deep to care about your hair, prof. Vaknin. Your glasses though - they're really cool!
I like your gel enhanced new haircut, Dr. Vankin.
Vaknin.
@@samvaknin 😅
I’m so curious to know What a narcissists “avatars” look like. Are we human symbols? A cartoon? Do we look real? Are we just a blob of color? A random picture of something? Is it random?
😆We look like this! Idealized little kitties
y’all predictable, pathetic but fun to play with. Tamagotchi is my pick for an avatar.
Wow. Thank you so much!
This summary is EFFING SCARY. I did commit mental suicide with ex abusive alchohilic porn addicted POS narc. I called 5 friends for help one day to stop myself from ever riding in a car with him again after the 1st and last time he held me hostage while he screamed in the vehicle driving me home, let alone talk/face him ever again- and have been regulating ever since. I sometimes see him in the area but I know like a drug to stay away... he would probably offset my BPD if that is what I have (scary also because both my gma and great-gma both died from suicide, so wow)
Thank you so much for such comprehensive insight. Very helpful for a mirhe
Mother living with a very traumatized adult son. Sorry bout the typo?
What does “falling in love with yourself through someone’s gaze mean?” Just literally believing what they tell you about yourself?
The borderline has a very unstable sense of self, and is almost incapable of self-love. So, much like the narc idealizes his partner bc it reflets/mirrors his image of himself, thus gratifying his ego, the borderline sees herself as capable of being loved/loveable because of the shared fantasy where she is loved unconditionally, even if it is an idealized version of herself. She cannot see her worth through her own perception- she needs someone to show her the value she was not ever taught to recognize internally. Narcs require external validation through their self-projection in the hall of mirrors, and the borderline requires external validation by having someone with a light to allow her to see the mirrors, at all. She doesn't want to exist, so she can see the void and is afraid of it. The narc IS the void, and seeks to consume, in order to exist.
You look 21 and the hairline is healthy and present! 😊 thanks for the content 🙏
All I have to say is "love your hair" and of course the useful content 🌝
What color dye do you use on your hair Sam ? Do tell !! And what a match up these two have, the borderline and narcissist. I've had some of these dynamics at play in past relationships give or take. Absolutely insightful. Thank you
Love you Sam..always make me laugh
Loved this video, thank you!! :) And I enjoyed your humor :P 💇♂️
😂... "about my hair, Off course!"😂😂😂😂
Can a narcistic mother cause child to be borderline ? and what causes borderline?
Sam Vaknin is. Genius!
55years borderline personality disorder .. alive and well newZealand mi narcissists is a murderer doing life.... rings me 2x a dae if not more.... thank u sam.
You’re hair style is modern and great.
Sam, if the internal idealized image doesn’t match the external does this cause panic within the narcissist? For example, what happens when the borderline has a baby? Does the pregnancy cause a crisis within the narc since the internal and external are so extremely different?
I (BPD) had a 1 year permanent on/off relationship with a covert narc. Both we were unable to quit. When I left, he immediatly started hoovering, begging, chasing me to come back - and the other way around. It was so destructive. He discarded me 1,5 year ago when he found a new supply. I never got closure, instead I was blocked and completely ghosted. How was that possible?
6 month after beeing discarded and after I went no contact too, he unblocked me on social media. I unblocked him back but nothing else has happened since.
Not sure if there will ever be a direct hoover from him or if that was all now.
And as you see: the narc can leave and obviously will not stay trauma bonded. I thought he is trauma bonded too, but maybe I am wrong (or he still feels kind of addicted to me, but not that much that he has the desire to reach out).
He will contact you again since he unblocked you. He unblocked you for a reason and that is future hoovering when he discards the New supply. He is going to make an indirect implicit move. Not obvious hoovering. He will test the waters to see if you are still available for him. That's my experience from cerebral narcissists. They are afraid of direct rejection. The somatic doesn't really care because he is handsome and fit and has always a harem on the side
Dear Sam 😉i must say you are soo intereseted with us😍…border and narc are like twins separeted from birth 😅we say like this in italy 😜but we are so mezmeraized with the power of a narc and a little bit jealous 😇
Whenever I watch your videos, I have a deep urning to have a one on one session with you. An insatiable need to clarify wether my criminal addict covert narc in fact is a narc ( and not a psychopath)… and also wether I’m a borderline.. I have been diagnosed with borderline and ocd and add , but I have some symptoms that I never knew wether they speak of borderline experience or may be it’s something else or comorbidity .. I’ve never heard these elements that I’ve been describing as dominant in me , described as main borderline traits..
but then the fact that I need an external authority figure to explain to me who I am - renders me borderline ? I don’t know.. in any event , fascinated by your videos . Dying to solve these riddles. Can I send a description of my disorders as I experience to any e mail adress perhaps? It’s in Hebrew. It would be such an honor for me to hear what you make of it🙏
Would a borderline ”use” her kids in the same fashion? Can her child provide the ”mother substitute” like her partner can, I guess is the question….
Sam is the only one that really speaks to the Narc/Borderline pairs. And, the answer is yes; look up child parentification. Most of these pairs I see in the wild are mother/son pairs.
Good question.
Yes, my mother did it for years. I cut her off to save myself.
Wow. I can't say it _perfectly_ describes the nearly 8 year relationship I just got out of but much of the dynamic is SO eerily similar. Are there subtle differences in the dynamic when the sexes are reversed? Like a narcissist female and borderline male?
Or could the dyad be similar to this only with slightly different forms of narcissism and borderline? My gf came on so strong in the beginning, very love bomb-y talking about Koi No Yokan and within the first month was viewing our connection as being uncanny like soulmates. I had just a few years earlier come out of a relationship with an awful borderline though and I resisted a lot from the beginning. But slowly, with fits and starts (tons of avoidance from me) she gradually, over the years through all kinds of drama, pulled me in and just as I finally found myself fully submitted, committed and "on board" with her, she basically discarded me. Often times the dynamic was: I abandon her, she tries to discard me, I flip out and make a last ditch effort to get her back, somehow she gives in and takes me back. Then we're "ok" for a year or so until another cycle comes around. It wasn't always exactly like that though. There was an earlier break up somewhat instigated by both of us where within days she started talking to me again and started going on about the "red thread of fate" and fighting hard for a long time to drag me back into it. I resisted and avoided for a long time but somehow eventually she reacted in a such a way that triggered my desperation again.
This time though, there was no major argument or anything. She just gradually became distant over the course of a few weeks and finally broke it off. Which naturally triggered weeks of absolute despair, unbearable levels of suicidal ideation in me. Which I'm still fighting.
Another dynamic of the relationship was this almost intrinsically accepted narrative that *I* was the problem in the relationship while she could do no wrong. Her life was organized, she was virtually perfect at everything. Her job, her kid, etc. All of her ducks in a row. And I was the screw up. All the mistakes and difficulties in the relationship were mine to bare and take responsibility for while she was just _there_ , perfectly committed and only wanting to love me from the beginning. She was very harsh at times with me. She would say shit to me that I would never say to her in a million years. Curse me and insult my intelligence. Criticize my family and even discarded my child. But she was always able to make it seem like it was all perfectly justified. Well, my kid _did_ do x, y, and z and I _did_ all these terrible things to hurt _her_ .
Yet, at the same time, she was so good at seeming like a totally genuine person. I mean, there was so much cutesie doting and emojis and gif sharing all the time, all the way up until the last week we were really together. Tons of romantic stuff that felt so unique and special to us and the way our personalities, sense of humor, and all that connected.
There's just something about the relationship that makes it so hard to know whether it was this kind of borderline/narcissist or borderline/borderline kind of thing or just me being an asshole to a girl that "just wanted to love me".
Nice Story.
Well, does her actions tell you that she still cares? No? She doesn't care anymore. Please take care of yourself, you matter, no matter what she does or thinks.
You weren't an a$$hole doing shit to a girl who 'just cares'. She sounds incredibly manipulative and has fukked with your self-concept. Girls who actually care leave you feeling a million bucks and like you could take on the world. They bring out your best self, not leave you broken into a thousand pieces. Manipulative nasty people leave you on the ground broken. 😞 Prof Vaknin has a superb video about how your pain is the narcissists healing. Have a look for it, it will help you. Find a great therapist who understands narcissistic abuse, take walks in nature, I found guided meditation seriously helpful. Reconnect with old safe friends and loved ones, focus on your healing. 💛✨️
the first minute of this video had me rolling 😂