Nurturing Relationships - Lesson 1

Welcome to the Course
Genesis 2:18 says, “It’s not good for the human to be alone,” and this goes beyond marriage.
The Torah says that we need close connections with friends, family, and community to flourish, and it supplies tools for creating them. Our course will explore those perspectives, attitudes, and bits of practical advice for creating great relationships.
Note: we’ll utilize Judith Snow’s circles of support model as we apply these skills to different connections (Circles of Exchange, Participation, Friendship, and Intimacy).
You’re in Charge
Pirkei Avot (Ethics of the Fathers) says “Acquire a friend,” because relationships don’t happen to us; we make them happen. Knowing we’re in the driver’s seat helps us invest the effort that will enhance our connections.
The Question
Hillel says, “What you find hateful, do not do to your fellow; this is all of Torah in its entirety.” Rashi offers two explanations: (1) “Your fellow” is a coded reference to G-d. (2) “The Torah” strictly references interpersonal mitzvot. His two answers reveal a weakness in each: “fellow” seems broader than “G-d,” and “all the Torah in its entirety” seems broader than “interpersonal mitzvot.”
One Big Idea: Two Souls
Jewish mystics find the answer in King Solomon’s saying, “The spirit of the human ascends on high while the spirit of the beast descends to the earth” (Ecclesiastes 3:21). This describes two inner drives at war within us: the selfish-animal-like-ego, and the altruistic, purpose-oriented soul.
Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, the first Chabad Rebbe, explains that our default view follows the natural-animalistic-self. The G-dly, pure soul is merely contained “within” us-as the Siddur indicates. Still, Rabbi Dovber of Lubavitch taught that “when two people discuss spiritual growth together, it’s two G-dly souls against one ego.” And here’s the punchline: our G-dly soul senses people’s Divine spark and wants to connect, help, and encourage them, but our ego only loves others for selfish gain.
Relevance: Be Your Best Self
It’s a cliché that you should “be yourself” in your relationships. Indeed, authenticity, honesty, and the ability to accept one another honestly are essential. But we’re in trouble if “yourself” is the selfish animal soul. Instead, we must transcend our default drives and bring our best self into the relationship. True, most relationships begin with self-interest, but “acquire a friend for yourself” means taking the connection deeper and introducing more of our Divine soul.
The Answer
Back to Hillel’s saying. This explains how the golden rule constitutes “all of Torah in its entirety.” Empathy-sincere care for others-is a Divine soul thing. Caring requires us to align with the Divine soul, and that’s what all mitzvot help us do. Mitzvot bring our Divine soul’s consciousness to the fore. So the Torah, in its entirety, boils down to “elevating the altruistic soul over the selfish ego.”
Application: Empathy
In each of our coming lessons, we’ll apply this insight to examining essential skills for human connection. Today, we’re talking empathy.
We looked at Genesis 40. All prisoners in Pharaoh’s dungeon were glum. But, as Rabbi Don Yitzchak Abarbanel points out, Joseph-who could have been excused for feeling bitter himself-still noticed when Pharaoh’s cupbearer and baker were more troubled than usual. Now, that’s empathy. Specifically, it’s what Brené Brown calls cognitive empathy-the ability to recognize and understand another’s emotions.
Cognitive Empathy
The Midrash urges us to emulate this quality: understanding the inner struggle of those in need so we can act with empathy-by offering a once-wealthy person a loan instead of charity, for example. Of course, empathy is critical in all relationships. When a friend faces a challenge, being connected means getting out of our heads to understand them and perceive what kind of help they’ll appreciate.
Affective Empathy
The Talmud offers advice for handling anxiety, including: “Speak it over with others.” Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Lubavitch, the third Chabad Rebbe, explains that it’s best to speak to “others” who “are wholly united with you, for they feel your reality.” Being empathetic doesn’t mean offering smart solutions or kind words; it means feeling another’s reality and sharing their pain or joy-like the man who escorted mourners home without shoes.
Practical Takeaways
Inner emotional turmoil or stress can make practicing empathy difficult. Yet apathy stems from the natural soul and while empathy is from the Divine. So, upgrading our soul consciousness makes empathy easier. We got one tool for doing that in practice by looking at “empathy misses” and eight types of distancing speech to avoid.
Remember, empathy can unleash a lasting and meaningful impact on all our relationships.