Whoa. It is simultaneously disturbing and refreshing to hear my deepest self described so eloquently by someone who shares it. Thank you for this perfect explanation 👏
Thanks for the props Jasmine! It’s pretty cool to find some of my people out there. Hope you dig some of the future episodes as I hope to dig in deeper to the 4’s “deepest self” I’ve been slacking lately though 🤦♂️ Thanks again Drew
I love learning about 4's. I'm a nine so I feel 4's are my opposite(maybe that's why I enjoy being around 4's so much) I love the 4's intensity and honesty about how they are feeling. For me, they are the ones who often challenge me to express my feelings more and step out and do things that are out of my comfort zone and I'm the one that calms them down and prevents them from doing something they might regret lol 😂 but I think that's why our friendship works because it's a good balance like the yin and yang 🙂
Definitely! This has been my experience. Did you watch the episode I did on 4’s and 9’s in relationship to each other? If not, go watch, I think most of it will affirm your thoughts here. Drew
Hey Drew! I am a therapist from India and I've been on the journey of self discovery and inner work for some time now. Having worked with 6 therapists and spending hours digging deeper and deeper to understand myself better - nothing has felt as comforting and reassuring and spot on as your videos have. Love your work, you're amazing. ❤️ Hope to meet you and speak to you some day!
Keep doing the great work! And I’m certain you’re helping so many people. This message makes the work I’m trying to do worth it my friend. Keep watching and keep digging Drew
You are amazing. Listening to you, it is not only what you’re saying but what you exude with your whole being, is like looking into a mirror, well, more like diving into your oceanic depth. Your intensity is so tangible, it is in your eyes, and I can almost smell it. Thanks for sharing who you truly are. I am a 4 sexual subtype, myself. The difference may lie in the wing, I am more inclined to the 5, but I can see the powerful qualities of your 3 wing, and that is also where I want to go. Truly well done, man.
This made me smile in all kinds of way. Thanks for the affirmation - And… So sorry for the delay. I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one. If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out Drew
I’ve been looking for good videos on 4s a- my personality type, and I’m so happy I found these. Not to mention they’re delivered by such a well-spoken guy!
Love that it’s connecting with you Oda. That was my goal, to make us 4’s feel a bit more known to ourselves. I hope more of us dig it so we can move the world a bit together. Really appreciate you 👊🏼
As a sexual 4, I relate a lot to this quote from Winter Light, a film made by Ingmar Bergman, also a sexual 4 : 'Märta Lundberg, Schoolteacher : God, why have you created me so eternally dissatisfied? So frightened, so bitter? Why must I realize how wretched I am? Why must I suffer so hellishly for my insignificance? If there is a purpose to my suffering, then tell me, so I can bear my pain without complaint. I'm strong. You made me so very strong in both body and soul, but you never give me a task worthy of my strength. Give my life meaning, and I'll be your obedient slave.'
wow, this resonated with me. The intensity, the possessiveness, the need for depth, and helping one realize their true potential and goodness as a human being. I wonder what the feeling would be like to meet a 4 of the opposite sex and have a conversation, while aware of the enneagram. I feel like I've met a couple 4's in my life without knowing. You just get the sense of "wow that person gets me" or the feeling that you share that crazy energy, sexual attraction, and intensity with. Haven't felt that in a long time! But when you've experienced it then you know what I am talking about. Thanks for sharing, I feel like I've tapped into a different realm by coming across the enneagram. Such a handy yet also revolutionary tool that has the ability to shed so much insight. Really is neat! -Michelle
Yeah Michelle, I’ve had those moments too. The need for control can possibly make them a bad fit long term for each other but the sense of being known by a fellow sojourner is for real. Thanks for the response and for getting it. Drew
Wow. As a sx4 that has felt like I was on fire my entire life, all of this was a perfect map of my experience... even the ugly parts damnit. A year ago the snowflake/butterfly comment would’ve pissed me off, but I’ve learned to hold it at arms length and laugh about it. I’ve named my inner sx4 energy “frankenfurter” from the Rocky Horror Picture Show bc of its desire to possess, dominate, be celebrated and then move on. I’m glad I don’t have to be ruled by it anymore, but now I need to know what to do with it. Thanks for all your work and sharing it with us.
I love that you named that energy! Thanks for sending me this Derek, it’s refreshing to know there’s others out there wrestling with similar complexities. Keep mapping your experience 👊🏼 Drew
Rarely have I felt so understood and akin to someone else, like I did while listening to you explain "sexual" 4s. Thank you for being this thorough with the descriptions AND using music (songs, lyrics, stylings) to aid you in that process! I feel like I'm gonna be showing/recommending this video to future "close ones" so they could get to know me better 😂
I like that idea Mario! I’ve had some friends watch so they can get me better. I appreciate the kind words and also feel a bit understood as well in hearing your feedback. Thanks man, Drew
This brought tears to my eyes and a plethora of other emotions. From feeling seen and finally hearing language that describes my experience to intense shame, embarrassment and self reflection (not beating ourselves up 🤦🏾♂️😂) . Thank you so much for this. Recently discovered my subtype and this gave so much perspective, insight and areas of further work. 4w3sx here. Thank you!
This makes my heart full this morning 🙌🏼 I just accept that shame is my companion these days, that acceptance helps take its power away 😂 Thanks for watching and I’m gonna work on an episode today on the 4w3 so look for that in September Drew
well well, have been obsessed with the enneagram for 30 years and as a sexual 4 this met me with a new depth - so thank you - may my work and life become deeper from it and now I understand the one on one more and am inspired to get this book written - deep love from New Zealand
I hope you watched my RUclips on sexual 4’s specifically? As a fellow SX4 I hope that one speaks to you. So you have a retreat center in NZ? I’m now following on Instagram and hope to get there someday 🙏🏼 Maybe we assemble some 4’s there 🤔 Hope you subscribed as I’m gonna keep at it for us 4’s. See you on the Instagram Drew
Just watched your vids on the subtypes. Really appreciate that you dive in deep and detailed into the darker traits of a 4. I haven't heard people speak this detailed and honestly about the more negative aspects and that's stuff I want to hear so I can grow. You've shared much to think about, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. Super helpful
Wow! Thanks so much for watching and the feedback. Glad it hit the right notes BB. I hope the other enneagram 4 vids help too. But, again, your response keeps me inspired! Drew
Hey Drew, I am Jo, watching you from Portugal. I am a biologist with lots of hobbies. I feel thankful for your videos full of authentic yearn for the truth and so much self disclosure. I've been studying the enneagram for 2-3 years and tested 4(w5) for 3 times, just to be sure... Some traits left me wandering at times. More recently I focused on enneagram 8 (it has always repelled me: the controlling, manipulating characters.. it reminded me of my selfish, abusive mother) and shockingly found myself in it so much that I had to consider it for me... Intense and wanting intensity from others, strongly going for what he wants, very protective of his people(not my mother, for sure), reacting to injustice before pondering on the consequences ... Fortunately I found your video comparing 4s with 8s!! I can say it was enlightening to an overwhelming state. It was the first time I found so much relevant information to the deep detail that I crave. All became clearer now. At 43 of age, I managed to become more aware of some of it's aspects and choose my own fights. I am still very triggered by my mother and people like her and I am working on that for a long time now. Nevertheless, I look at my sx instinct in a very positive way. It has actually been life-saving, allowing me to keep faithfull to my values in harsh circunstances. It also makes me move out of the buble in my darkest days (comes in cycles) to get what I need, meeting with close friends, going hiking in nature, searching for new music, reading, writing, doing my little art projects and enjoying life. Though often described as negative in most that I have read, I believe we have so much to give to the world as inspiration, a way to see beauty in small things and reveal it to others more blind to it, a capacity for loving intensely and unconditionally when we are sure we are safe, that is difficult to match by other types and subtypes (that's why I think we feel lonely often)... I agree that 9s are great at bringing us peace and understanding, but difficulty they will match the intensity. So thank you for sharing your gift of understanding with us!!
This is absolutely awesome! Thank you for sharing this. Kinda warms my heart. I’m sure you’ll continue to go down the rabbit hole and let me know what continues to happen Also, if you aren’t following along on instagram you might want to check it out @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy
As a 4w5, you hit many notes that people rarely see in me! I keep agreeing with you and nodding my head all throughout the video. I had been having trouble with my subtype for the last couple of months and started digging into it in recent weeks. I relate to the description of Self-Preservation 4 but it just doesn't match my intensity. Not so much with Social 4 descriptions too, which is safe to say that it's my blind spot when it comes to my subtypes. Your description of Sexual 4 is what I'm looking for - not the other ones I've found on the internet, which can be pretty negative and... let's say, not saying so much about our positive side(s). I felt seen when you said that we can be aggressive (it doesn't help we're the most aggressive tritype too) when we're hurt, and I know damn well that I can be terrifying when someone hurts me. Did someone show me their anger? Well, I can clap back a thousand times worse than what they had initially shown me - pointing out the secrets and insecurities hidden in the darkest labyrinths of their mind. I know that person will be utterly destroyed without me even trying, so I keep this dark side of me in check. Meanwhile, my positive side is willing to die for a person who has seen my depths and accepted me as I am. Maybe that's an over-exaggeration, but I am willing to give my heart to this person to build them up and to understand themself. Of course, I will save some parts that nourish me because I'm a special unicorn. Guess it's safe to say that I am a Sexual Four. :D
Good! We need more SX 4’s who are self-aware and get it. Now go be you with this tool and fuck the naysayers, they don’t get it. The world needs us. We are dynamic as hell. Unleash that part that’s good but held back I’m with you Drew
I’ve been literally holding my face throughout this whole video. Since young I’ve been pretty self absorbed/aware/whatever you want to call it, I always went to astrology, as an adult in my 40’s my astrological sign of Pisces did not always resonate with me due to my want of feeling important, being recognized, my competitiveness, the fire I feel inside of me when there is something I want and doesn’t subside until I get it. This is a whole new thing to study, I can’t believe I have only now just found this.
So so sorry for the delay, some of these slipped past me, and I only get to them when I go back to see what I missed. Hope that you have jumped more into the Enneagram in the last six months. It is pretty fascinating isn’t it. thank you for watching and giving this whole new study a go with me as a part of it. Hope you are following my Instagram if you’re on it, @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy Thanks for being on board Drew
19:40 REALLLLLLL i easily open up to ppl, they do too maybe because of my "im not gonna judge u i wanna rlly know u" vibe or thing and i think ppl actually like me but yk,, theres still smth missing 20:00 YES THE NEEDINESS, THE EXPECTATIONS!!
Holy moly. This has been awakening and affirming and it’s got me a bit shook. The “pairings” thing…well that’s answered quite a few questions. Thank you.
This is very interesting. I am a ENFP 4w5 sx/so... I feel like my personality is just an ocean of contradictions, and I can't quite find my footing in terms of identity. I relate to a lot of what is being said here, but personally, I don't have an aggressive or malicious or vindictive bone in me. I'd go so far as to say I am forgiving to the point of being unhealthy. Feelings of inadequacy, envy, and desire to find meaning in something else, now that I've got in spades.
To be honest the shame of having that vindictive thought process is pretty gnarly. So lucky you for not having that. But, yes, definitely don’t over forgive 😉 I’d also try to tap in to the anger a bit, you may be suppressing it and so you are punishing yourself rather than targeting someone else There’s a balance and then a healthy anger emerges and finds its home in you Thanks for sharing Drew
Yeah man this line always resonated with me; 'When there is nowhere I can go to offload this desire'. Also the line about 'why did you stick me in self-deprecating bones and skin' really reminds me of feel betrayed by my body, a Type 4 affect you described in a different video.
Oh hell yeah. That betrayal of body and big heart. I experienced this last night romantically and didn’t even know it till now. Hmmm, I have to go process.🤔 Drew
I don't relate with the urge to hurt others, but I am often more direct than others are comfortable with. I'm not competitive, but I do feel jealous of my friends, not because I want to be on top at all, but I want to be something, and it's hard for me to be happy about others success when I'm not succeeding, and can get therefore, jealous.
Oh, wow! What you said about having a deep connection with shows. I, too, felt that way about "Breaking Bad" and "The Magicians", to the point where I felt deeply sad when the series ended. I had characters I connected with. When it was over, it was like I lost a sense of purpose for days lol.
Here’s how I’ve solved that grieving problem. I just watch breaking bad over and over again… I think I’m on my 7th or 8th cycle. And, also, we have better call Saul. But yeah, I hear you. We are so drawn to great character development and writing and we just want to get all up in it. You are not alone!!! Drew
I also found this the most relatable. I think I’m a self preservation. But man, definitely a lot of these sexual 4 tendencies too. Especially the relationship to fictional characters and their fictional lives. I think I would save the main character in “Fleabag” (classic sexual 4) over most human beings if made to choose.
@@zerjiozerjio if you’re like me you have a strong dose of both SP & SX. We 4’s can really identify how all 3 subtypes are working within us because we have a keen access to our emotions and our experience of different fluctuations internally. It can be hard to pin down what’s leading and following Drew
Oh I don't where I found all this stuff (info/feelings/order/balance/epiphanies/arts) let me show you! Hahahaha This listen was better for me the second time around after spending necessary time in sp. I completely forget about my sx dark side. It was them it wasn't me (joke). Brilliant the second time around Drew.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge. I understand myself better now. There were things that I thought was a problem like I need professional help with it. But now, I came to understand that it's merely my personality as a Sx4.
I’ve been so behind on responding to RUclips messages, my apologies 🙏🏼 I’m working on a book this year and fully immersed. Glad this helped you not feel so crazy! 🙌🏼 If you’re interested in being on my mailing list drop your email on instagram @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy or drew@drewnewkirk.com hopefully I’ll continue to create some cool stuff to share
I’ve been so behind on responding to RUclips messages, my apologies 🙏🏼 I’m working on a book this year and fully immersed. Glad this helped, and thanks for watching. If you’re interested in being on my mailing list drop your email on instagram @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy or drew@drewnewkirk.com hopefully I’ll continue to create some cool stuff to share
I feel like this was one of the best explanations of the sexual subtype. I’m a 4w3sx and this is SO helpful. Sharing with my husband because I feel vindicated that I am not alone with some of my unhealthier traits - health is a journey. ❤️
I smell a few good couples therapy sessions coming 😉 Or just send him my way and I’ll make sure he gets it 😂 Love that you got something out of this, as a fellow SX4 I know how hard it can be. And seriously, if you need any help convincing him of your awesomeness give a shout. Hope you enjoy the other enneagram 4 stuff I posted, hope it keeps helping Drew
So helpful. So confusing. So exposing. So thought provoking. I'm not sure where I fall in the enneagram world, I see myself in bits and pieces here and there. But here, at least today, feels close to home.
Keep searching and wedging. For many it takes a lot of time. Just appreciate the journey if you can because so much is getting downloaded no matter what. From a fellow searcher I understand Drew
Really great video! Still confused between Sexual 4 and Sexual 6, but I feel more 4-ish in terms of behavior patterns and motivation. I just thought I was more 6-like because of my more diplomatic demeanor and disciplined/serious outlook, but then I thought "Could I have tapped into that 3 wing and classified myself based on others' perception of me?" Anyways, love your videos on the subtypes and your insights! They are so detailed and spot-on.
I’ve been so behind on responding to RUclips messages, my apologies 🙏🏼 I’m working on a book this year and fully immersed. I find there’s a lot of people jostling between a 4 & 6 trying to figure it out. Hope you’re getting closer and closer as you dig in If you’re interested in being on my mailing list drop your email on instagram @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy or drew@drewnewkirk.com hopefully I’ll continue to create some cool stuff to share
I don't really relate to what you said at 15:10. Maybe I'm not an SX4? But I strongly relate to Morrissey and other SX4s. I have a deep desire for intense one-on-one connections. I've been that way since I was little. As long as I have one friend then I'm completely satisfied. It's like I become consumed in them; I want our souls to meld together because it feels like us against the world after that. I'm fiercely loyal to them until they deeply hurt or betray me. Then I become angry and almost dehumanize them in my mind. I wonder if my child-self felt like no one was there to protect her, and that's why I feel the need to latch onto someone else. Now that I think about it again, I do relate to what you said. I don't care about being the "top dog" so it has nothing to do with that or being competitive for me. But I'm not that supportive of my significant other's success. In my mind I'm worried about them becoming so successful that they leave me or replace me with someone "better." It's a fear of abandonment.
So good to meet someone who is also making the journey and needs to bring their insides out! Anthem, absolutely intense. That's why I love the song: Joy beautiful god spark, or with some meditations the accompanying music that lets me ascend to other spheres. Thank you for your work, which I have only now discovered.
Yes, that is all true. Here also sx - sp - so. If I'm honest and the authenticity thing is usually there, then I did have some schadenfreude, or at least wishes in that regard. Once I thought, when someone (probably an 8 fixation), verbally attacked me over and over again, you better be careful, because I'm just going to push you against the wall with my energy. Wow, disembowel like a fish, at first I thought, no, never.. but maybe so. But we get older and grow. Using something someone else said to me in a vulnerable moment I would find deeply disloyal. Maybe I did that before, it would be possible. Definitely a great video, with so much passion.. very cool! Thanks, Drew. I'm currently preparing my Enneagram workshop and your videos are a great reinforcement. Apparently I've already said something about it 🤔... whatever, that's what it says in me 😅☀️ sometimes I wonder how the self-preservation type interacts with the sexual instinct in me. All the passion and intensity meets something more tender.
It feels like i am having my subconscious self verbalized, back to me, its on one hand refreshing because someone else get what i feel but at the same time it also leaves you feeling psychologically naked. It's an interesting paradox
I get it my friend… I get it So sorry for the delay. Glad this helped and thanks so much for watching and digging deep! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one. If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out Drew
My reaction to this video & some of the comments have really made me question everything I thought I knew about being a 4. I've always preferred to think of myself as more passionately principled than my SP or Social brothers and sisters. I will get up and make a scene; I do hurt feelings and Schadenfreude delights me. However, I don't do it to be competitive or to make myself feel better. Sometimes I would prefer to just go along to get along. But too often, somebody has to say, "No!"; someone has to defend a person or thing that can't or won't stand up for itself. I know sometimes I shoot off my mouth without thinking and yeah, I used to get into arguments just for the sake of arguing. But saying or doing something to intentionally "gut" someone seems pretty unconscionable. It's been said I can be "too much" but damn, there's a limit to how far I'd go to prove a point. And when it comes to being a 4, don't you really need a strong Three Wing to even bother competing? How worthless do you feel AFTER using something you heard in confidence to make yourself look good or win an argument?
The spectrum of human is wide and fully diversified - even within the type. This is a much larger conversation than we can have here but I wouldn’t over hyperbolize descriptions or people, including yourself… we are all trying to figure it out Drew
@@drewnewkirk great answer. I was in a crazy mood when i wrote that. Was going to delete it but you were obviously thinking about a response. Thanks for your insights. I do have a tendency for overstatement (i believe every word at the time but when the moment is over...) Anyway, I appreciate your reply and it helps to know I didn't alienate or aggravate. (Gotta work on my cycling 😉)
@@chachyesmeralda18 no problem! It’s not any easy thing to change our patterns… I appreciate that you are on the journey trying to work on it. Me too 😉
I think I'm this type, but to protect myself and not be too intense for people, I lean into self preservation type. I want to be this intense and this passionate! How do you not scare everyone away? I've been like this with my art and projects. So singularly focused. I need some of that energy i had in my youth. I've leaned into my 5 wing and towards self preservation from being hurt and disappointed in the past. I want to break free and jump in with passion again! I just started exploring enneagram a few days ago. Lol😂
Sorry for the delay, I’ve been writing a book and hiding away in the Swiss Alps to do so, haven’t been keeping up. So I guess I’m all in my projects as you were mentioning. I guess the way it works for me, is that I’m constantly getting pushed back by trusted friends and family when I go to far and I’m too intense. But for the most part, I found ways to regulate it. But yes, I also lean into my self preserver and get away to recoup. Sometimes my energy feels like a lot even for myself when I’m out and with people and I doubt my like ability. So I need to go get restored, and find some faith in myself again. Just an aside, I’m leaving groups starting in a month that are around this idea of tapping into the best part of yourself. Just saying. Hope you’re following along on Instagram to, @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy
The video is about moving towards your best self. It’s just not fluffy and lite about it, which actually is more true to life. Additionally, there’s 2 hours and 40 minutes of the enneagram 4 overview video I did, if that doesn’t get you to your best self then I’d suggest Tony Robbins motivational videos 😉
It's finally made sense. Why I'm so Unmoved or not motivated enough by so many things. Unmotivated by most partners. My intensity. It has shunned people away from being with me. and that feeling that I can't stand the idea of my friend being more successful than me...But also hate it when he won't follow my intensity anymore either. So much...Struggle with this.... Striving to find the perfect song. Now I realize I have to give it my all with my work, and match the intensity inside of my heart. I was just shielding it because I was getting discouraged, But I can't let that happen anymore if I want my success story
Such good processing! Yeah. Hard pill to swallow for sure and I’m with you, so many moments of doubt that now make sense. It requires me to have compassion and empathy for folks who aren’t like me. I need them too otherwise I’d explode from too much passion. But, to your point, we might as well suffer for what we love and give it our all, the rest will sort itself out. We’ll grieve, experience depression and elation and success and failure…. And we’ll learn 🙌🏼 Drew
Wow! Heavy stuff. Thanks for sharing. As an SX4 myself I’m sorry he wasn’t healthy enough to use that energy for good. I’m glad you survived and are growing mature so you don’t harm people that way. Again, ade, I’m humbled by your honesty and welcome to the 4 club who’s growing healthier Drew
As a 4, the most intriguing type to me is 8. Something about them. I’m a sexual 4w5 and I NEVER get categorized as an 8, nor have I EVER related to the description of one. I usually get 2,7 and 9 as results if not 4. Crazy how I have a w5 and that happens.
Man oh man. Thanks for gutting me like a fish, in love. I can't remember where I read this, but it said something along the lines of, SX 4s were the ones who led the French revolution and screamed off with their heads, then actually made the heads roll.
I would say, I am pretty introverted as well when I really get down to it. But I could do social like a champ. I think we’re all on the spectrum a bit, especially fours. But I would say that sexual fours at least tend to connect with a few individuals pretty deeply from time to time so I guess it depends on how introverted, you are. If you aren’t seeing any humans, then, regardless of your number, you should probably balance it out. But if you just like to get away to regroup, I don’t think that would be abnormal here. Drew
How do you say No to SX 4 without activating anger or shame? My brother is a sx 4 and he is very angry. When he goes to the 2 he tries to help me but later will hold it against me that he helped me. So, now I dont want his help. But if I say no to his help it triggers shame, defensiveness, or anger. It's such a tightrope. Thanks!!!
Welp, I think this is more an issue of how to say no and set good boundaries with an unhealthy person. While it doesn’t help he’s a SX 4 in how hard we can be to deal with 🤦♂️(unfortunately) it seems he’s not doing the hard work of healing and you aren’t responsible for that my friend. Maybe just create some more distance
Wow, holy smokes. This is speaking to me so much right now especially. The pairing - I thought it was because my mom has a twin, so I wanted my own twin. Or I think everyone has a twin (and get pairs of celebs confused, or I associate them with each other.)
@@corianderwolfgangrainbeaux thank you so much for watching! Glad it helped If interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com Hope all is well and thanks again for reaching out Drew
One of my favorite bands is heavily inspired by The Smiths, I blindly tried to dig into their songs a few times and it didn’t stick. Feeling inspired to check them out again after some wonderful through-lines you made. The song about imagining forgiving Jesus and the whole refusal of suffering thing was like, hold on, what? 🤯🙌. So honest. Love the knowledge of self and truth telling there.
Music is so elusive sometimes. I relate to bands not sticking but I love when our palettes change a tiny bit over time. Yet, morrissey can be a tough sell at times. I recently started digging Stevie Nicks out of nowhere and was kinda surprised by myself 😂 Give a follow on Instagram Nicole, @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy - I want to hear how the music journey continues. Thanks for the inspiration Drew
I am a terrible snob with entertainment, music, content etc. I also have the cold-blooded side, the venom and the acid tongue, when people wrong me, perceived or real.
Rowan, I’ve been watching you 😂 Love it! Hope I’m revealing the bright light too. But, yes, very humbling Hope you keep tuning in to be undressed 😉 Drew
So sorry for the delay. Glad this helped and thanks so much for watching and digging deep! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one. If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out Drew
Dee, that means a lot. You know you the first half of life is about acquiring, developing, obsessing about style and look…. The second half is about embodying all you accumulated after a healthy bit of editing. Thanks for noticing and affirming. Drew
Really interesting video. I enjoyed being able to relate but not completely. I'm not a Four, I'm a Sexual Nine, and so I would be able to relate to quite a bit, so much so I had to pause a couple times. When you'd begin talking about something or wrap up whatever statement I wouldn't be able relate to it, like at some point you'd lose me and then find me again, which invariably expressed your doing a video about Sexual Fours (since both these words were expressed in a 'black and then white' sort of way). It was honestly strange, not sure what to make about it; definitely questioned my understanding of the system. Awesome video.
Do you feel like your experience of it, I mean in the processing sense, feels a bit 9? Like, a bit cloudy but so close to clear? Just curious how you frame the experience as a SX9? Love that you are digging away at the content and the process. Good stuff 🙌🏼
@@drewnewkirk Yeah, that's pretty accurate. Actually, the way you framed it may be the best way to put it as everything is meant to have one return to that cloudy state. For one, there's what I find to be the misunderstanding of the Sexual Nine when it comes to 'merging' or 'unity'. I will take on the traits, beliefs, etc of the other person (on one occasion watched 6 seasons of the comedy show Psych for someone and only laughed twice but continued because I began to "see it") but then what goes remiss is that the other person is then expected to do the same for me and when they don't that's when anger will show up. It's odd honestly because even back in the day I would have an obtuse relationship with anger but when I get the sense that the connection I thought I had with the one person, all the understanding thought to be there, all the exclusion of other things in the world for just us, is then threatened I would get angry and it would "make sense to be angry", as though the Sexual instinct washed away concerns of aggression. And even when it comes to instances outside of that intimate other (like with family perhaps) I'll just suddenly wreck havoc one day, like I get the sense that something needs to change, something needs to happen, and then I'll get in someone's face, call the cops (done it a couple times) - whatever. I want to hurt that person, especially emotionally. And you talked a bit about that but you seemed to express a more conscious festering of it whereas for me I'll just figure everything is fine until suddenly one day it's not and then months of emotion just shows up when I figure things are continuing in a direction I'm not about (but retrospectively the signs were there the whole time). And to tie in your point of clouds, when I get like that, with the rage, getting in someone's face, whatever, like every time it happens I have this thought pattern of wanting the other person to feel the impact of it, I want to know it had an effect, and then I'll want them to still be there ready to hear me out. And should they I'd then be willing to sort of just cool off and just shrivel up again into the peacekeeping Nine. It's like I wanted to just check in that I mattered, the Sexual instinct driving a need for impact as proof, instead of maybe a concern of 'wanting to be seen for who I am' like say a Four. So there are breaks in the sky with the hope that clouds will return. And frankly, it would be really unhealthy of them to stay there and take it, they totally should leave, and while I am concerned of how I might hurt people during these times the more troubling part for me is that even in the midst of rage I can't stand on my own two feet. When everything is off the table, when it's time to take a stand, when it feels like I have all the strength in the world to act, there's a part of me who just wants to not be disconnected from them because then it would be just me and anything but that. Anything. And then as the Sexual subtype I aim to anchor myself with that one other for the purposes of not having to stand on my own. In fact, the times when I'm most self-developing is when I have that one other person (I'd even use a friend if there's not a romantic other at the time) because it somehow gives me permission to do things for myself because technically it's not just for me (it's for this reason why I think the Social Nine is the counter-type because they're not doing things with themselves in mind per se and thus it's A-okay to gogogo). And where say the Four is envious that other people seem to have purpose or that missing something I'll instead figure it's awesome because it tells me everything is that much more fine because "we" are doing great (but then the shot in the foot is when I inadvertently insist in interactions with them that's it's an equal partnership when it's not). So yeah, just hoping for clouds really. Again, love the video. There really were quite a few other moments I related to as well.
@@Magicalpow1 love the processing Zach, read through it and related to a bit myself. I can tell you are doing the heavy lifting and so keep bearing that weight, it’s healthy for a nine to add some pounds of introspection on to their backs. The grinding always pays off. Appreciate your interaction with the content man Drew
I love your presentation style, Drew! Fellow 4w3 sx/soc therapist here. Your second Morrissey song example is what hit me the hardest. It seems to touch on that connection to 2. Are you by chance a 416 tritype?
Thanks a ton Tyler! Where are you practicing out of? Nope, I’m a 478 tritype (triple independent 🤯) Love doing these. Actually working on a 4&7 video now because of that tritype
@@drewnewkirk My pleasure. I'm based in Ohio. Same tritype for me, too (7w8, 8w9). Looking forward to your 4/7 vid! I wondered about that other tritype because of subtle differences in emphasis for the sx4 experience. External factors/other things matter too, of course.
@@m.tylermcguire871 the 7 in me definitely beats out the 5 and 6 by far. But I’d be a counterphobic 7 running towards addressing pain. But the 8 and 1 compete, I think my desire to not look weak is louder than my desire for perfection Although I’m a pretty good cop 👮♀️ 🤦♂️ Great to meet you man and hope you dig the 4&7 combo
@@drewnewkirk Interesting concept of counterphobic 7. It makes sense. Maybe you possibly having more of an 8w7 energy could explain some the variation I'm seeing. Nice to meet you too! See you around
I am curious of the reasoning behind you looking away from the camera when you are in deep thinking, and look again when concluding the point of the phrase, as I also do that and would hope it helped me type myself, I'm in between the sx4 and the sx or so5, tyvm
Good question, I do this in personal conversation too. I think it’s probably some form of a defense mechanism about engaging in too much intimacy, but also a real deep search for words and concentration. So a bit of a mix. I already tend to engage in so much intense conversation so I think the looking away helps it not be too much. Additionally, I have a difficult time finding words sometimes so looking away helps me stay focused, but I would have to admit that I have certain insecurities from my social development in high school and college that can bring on some insecurity. In these videos specifically I don’t feel all that insecure, so I think it’s a matter of finding words and taking some pressure off of the deep engagement with the camera, or the audience. Giving us both a break. That’s my initial thoughts, at least, sorry for the delay as things I’ve got backed up lately, but hope that helps, Drew
Great video and Thank you for this! I found it all relatable except that part about not wanting friends to be successful, it’s usually the other way around for me unfortunately. Like I’ll have friends more enthusiastic about my failures and totally mute when I’m doing well. Smh However In the past I have found myself envious of stupid things though, like people who are easily well liked and fawned over...
Totally get it. I’m more of a supporter of friends and champion them on, I think the part referring to the not wanting them successful is more of a thing wrestled with internally more than actually wanting - we usually come out cheering them on
I still don't know if I'm a 4, because I changed a lot from my childhood to now. When I was yong, I was very passionate, intense, shy, love seeker and moody. But now that I'm 36, I'm different; more rational, less intense and very sunny and talkative ( still shy and insecure in social situations) . Are those changes possible to a 4? Thanks.
100%! It means you’re getting older and wiser and more mature. Additionally the SP part of you may look like a version of a 3 or 7 which explains the sunny side. It’s a blessing to the world to be a more well rounded and well adjusted 4, keep up the good work. Drew
@@drewnewkirk, Yes, indeed! I was very confused because of the big change in my behavior😁! Now I am happier to know that I am more mature and less emotional and moody, because I can face life in a more pragmatic way. 😉
Hi there, thanks so much for the video! So my question is, as sexual 4's seeking intensity and authenticity we tend to over dramatize life in general especially because we don't want to live life in the mundane but yet the balance between the intensified expectation of life we desire and acceptance of the mundane or "superficial" seems needed in order for us to survive so that we don't self sabotage by self-isolating and getting to that unhealthy place. So what do we need to implement or focus on to get that balance. I don't like or enjoy small talk or superficial conversations as they seem meaningless and redundant but it's quite evident that those types of conversations are needed in order for us to get to the meaning making conversations we so desperately desire. What do I need to learn in order to not laser focus, be overwhelming and scare people off but instead to create a welcoming space for people to feel safe and secure on a superficial level before moving into the meaning making process.
This is a way bigger question then I could answer here, definitely check out my video on Enneagram four overview, which is as thorough as I could get. But, I need to know, specifics, and more detailed description of what you do to get in your own way, which would require you becoming my client. 😉 in my own life I try to take the pressure off of my self to have a big life, which actually allows me to do practical things that would help a big life happen. Practicality is a huge part of how I see sexual fours grow, when they just get shit done. not over building up life, and then they can actually live it. With all the boring spots. But ultimately, if you want life to be bigger than make it big and stop apologizing for it.
You’re talking my language my friend! So sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one. If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out Drew
This is absolutely amazing. I was very hyper-sexual and carried myself exactly this way, though quietly. I didn't really have to use aggression for anything. May I ask, is this why former partners from decades past still try to reach me?
I really appreciate intelligence and also want to know more and more. I remember the time when I flirt with this competitive energy... It sucks. He didn't understand I see him like an opponent, so I value him and his mind. It's hilarious how genuine we can be with our love but almost really self-centered and rude, isn't it?
We have to be cautious and change our tone a bit so we can be heard better. Sometimes it’s very subtle tweaks and turns of language. Our aggressiveness can be off putting but when we are aware just slight changes and helping people understand us can be very powerful and helpful Drew
Omg you have to go to 6:17 right now!! That warning is so true and that smile is so 4SX 😂 just today told my ex with pure unconditional love in my eyes “sorry I made u think u were gonna get kidnapped, I was just feeling really scared and wanted u to understand so I could feel close to you”. 🤫🤡😈👽 need this as a GIF to give others a heads up lmao.
And that feeling of being rejected/neglected when people are not responsive to or dismiss our needs for intensity or one-or-one... I guess the sx energy can appear different from an enneagram 4 sx-dom to another 4 sx-dom. I am INFJ 4 sx/sp, and my outward energy feel quite different than sx-dom extraverted types. I'm curious, are you ENFJ on MBTI? Social secondary?
I still am not sure on MBTI, got to take it again. But I’m definitely more introverted than I seem on camera and I’m definitely a SX/SP with a Social last I’ll get on the MBTI soon 😉 Drew
Since my teens years I have wondered where this need of testing people comes from. Like if you want to be called my friend - be prepared for anything! It's very destructive(( Not to mention those bites of envy like when my friend got married before me (the only consolation was that I considered her husband to be too boring and uninteresting). I always feel guilt for such thoughts but can't do anything about them😞 The constant comparison with others' success and wanting the things I don't have... Oh...that's quite a burden few people can realize...
It gets better with time and constant working on yourself which is a thing most of us would rather not do. I can assure you though, doing that work does pay off. Mostly in the way of self-forgiveness and awareness. We’ll ride the wave of growth together 😉
@@drewnewkirk Actually I do work on that, but anyhow it was very helpful! It showed me that I'm not a born bad\broken person, it's just part of the personality to learn to deal with. Just like bursts of anger for 8s. I really feel better now. 🙂 Deep thank you, Drew!!!
@@whitefox4237 I know you do, I felt that in the response. I was more relating not coaching there 😂 I’m always reminding myself to stay Hungary for growth and appreciating people like you fighting the good fight with me. Appreciate ya and the hard work
Hey Melitta. I’m a hard 4w3 as my next highest score is a 3 so it’s not just my wing but it ranks 2nd in my scores. The second question is more difficult. I believe if I had to give an answer I’d say my tritype is a 478 but as I’ve gotten older and wiser I feel more balanced so it’s hard to lock down. The 478 is the messenger and tend to be highly individual, independent and creative with a strong will to push some limits for a cause. Have you found trityping useful? I think it’s a very cool nuanced tool. I’ll probably do an episode on it soon
Ha! Us sexual 2w1 will gut you just as intensely as a sexual 4 or 8... but with such a sweet SMILE & intense feeling of righteousness (Spanish Inquisition anyone?)
I’ve been so behind on responding to RUclips messages, my apologies 🙏🏼 I’m working on a book this year and fully immersed. I get it friend. The creative ways we do our thing. It’s maddening and laughable. Keep digging! If you’re interested in being on my mailing list drop your email on instagram @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy or drew@drewnewkirk.com hopefully I’ll continue to create some cool stuff to share
I love the concept of linking the traits to certain songs! I am wondering, can I be a Sx 4 if I don't get into conflict that often, and when I get into conflict it's 90% of the time my mom? And can I be a Sp 4 if I can get as angry as a Sx 4 at times?
Love the question. Hard to be definitive here as I don’t fully know your story. However, some people wether SX or SP can lie on the spectrum of angry between intense and mild. If this is becoming a hang up in deciding I’d shift to other areas of distinguishing points like how likely you are to ask for what you want or share your heaviness with others. These can be just as important as how you express anger. Or, do you tend to pair regularly or preserve more. Still, this may be best worked out with a professional or a really sharp enneagram loving friend 😉
Makes so much sense - me too. Obvi! So sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one. If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out Drew
The biggest breakthrough for you will be to follow Chestnut, Fauvre, Naranjo, Ichazo, and others in rejecting "disintegration" and "integration" as being a misquote of Naranjo. Naranjo brought up the possibility to his class that one line of connection was "higher" than another. But rejected the idea that same night. Unfortunately his student that wrote it down did not cross it out. And it got blown through the Catholic pipeline to Riso and Hudson, Palmer, and other early books of the Enneagram that did not have the benefit of consulting Naranjo or Ichazo directly. But Naranjo later rejected it. Ichazo never gave it the time of day. And as a 5 I reject it as I plan my 2 week Enneagram 7 vacation to Japan in March.
Keep digging deep James. This stuff takes quite awhile to flesh out Hope it keeps landing I’ll be doing some episodes on the wings soon so hope you’re subscribed so you can watch Thanks again! Drew
Truth! Join along 😂 So sorry for the delay. Glad this helped and thanks so much for watching and digging deep! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one. If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out Drew
, it makes fucking sense that we feel drawn to tragic stories or tragic heroes its very cathartic actually, nietzche talked about it in the birth of tragedy something Ancient Greece had an intuitive understanding but never expressed truly whats the meaning behind the cathartic nature of it in their art they felt its “ life affirming “ because its one of the ways to show you that you’re not alone suffering in this world thus Reversing the envy , but its not only that… i felt connection to some of the most disturbing personalities like borderline and narcissism specifically the covert narcissist ( masochistic ) and self defeated in many ways i can relate to them and you sir are amazing much love
@@siryoucantdothat9743 totally understand. We 4’s are not easily intrigued so we, especially when we are broken, gravitate towards the novel and considerably complex - which often are jacked up people. But, yeah, we need layers and if we are healthy we get good layers. When not, watch out 🤯 Drew
That was totally the goal! Thanks for watching. Definitely watch the enneagram 4 overview video. It’s long as hell but it’s as comprehensive as I could get. Think you’ll enjoy it Drew
Oh wow, so true about being hostile, I always wondered why I'm like that even being four ,we have to bekinda empathetic? But yeah I feel bad when someone is better than me😁 and about watching sth over and over again lol I just can't stop watching some movies and friends, I actually watch till I get sick from them😁 Thank you so much for the video , you're amazing ❣️
Definitely a 4-ish band Thanks for watching If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com Either way, I appreciate you Drew
I’ve never gotten “elegant” before but I’m gonna soak this one up 🙌🏼. Thank you Jesse, as I get older I I’m trying to refine and refine the style, no shame in it. And thanks for watching Drew
Ha! I’ll take it. The affirmation never hurts So sorry for the delay… thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one. If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out Drew
As a sexual 4 with a 3 wing, it is so refreshing to hear someone talk about this type from a place of understanding. Thank you.
I got you! 👊🏼 Thanks for being on the ride
Whoa. It is simultaneously disturbing and refreshing to hear my deepest self described so eloquently by someone who shares it. Thank you for this perfect explanation 👏
Thanks for the props Jasmine! It’s pretty cool to find some of my people out there. Hope you dig some of the future episodes as I hope to dig in deeper to the 4’s “deepest self”
I’ve been slacking lately though 🤦♂️
Thanks again
Drew
“Whether you harbor hate, anger , lust, we can deal with it.” So true. Give me all the feels just make sure it’s REAL.
You know it!
I love learning about 4's. I'm a nine so I feel 4's are my opposite(maybe that's why I enjoy being around 4's so much) I love the 4's intensity and honesty about how they are feeling. For me, they are the ones who often challenge me to express my feelings more and step out and do things that are out of my comfort zone and I'm the one that calms them down and prevents them from doing something they might regret lol 😂 but I think that's why our friendship works because it's a good balance like the yin and yang 🙂
Definitely! This has been my experience. Did you watch the episode I did on 4’s and 9’s in relationship to each other? If not, go watch, I think most of it will affirm your thoughts here.
Drew
Hey Drew!
I am a therapist from India and I've been on the journey of self discovery and inner work for some time now. Having worked with 6 therapists and spending hours digging deeper and deeper to understand myself better - nothing has felt as comforting and reassuring and spot on as your videos have. Love your work, you're amazing. ❤️ Hope to meet you and speak to you some day!
Keep doing the great work! And I’m certain you’re helping so many people. This message makes the work I’m trying to do worth it my friend. Keep watching and keep digging
Drew
You are amazing. Listening to you, it is not only what you’re saying but what you exude with your whole being, is like looking into a mirror, well, more like diving into your oceanic depth. Your intensity is so tangible, it is in your eyes, and I can almost smell it. Thanks for sharing who you truly are. I am a 4 sexual subtype, myself. The difference may lie in the wing, I am more inclined to the 5, but I can see the powerful qualities of your 3 wing, and that is also where I want to go. Truly well done, man.
This made me smile in all kinds of way. Thanks for the affirmation - And…
So sorry for the delay. I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one.
If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list
Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com
Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out
Drew
I’ve been looking for good videos on 4s a- my personality type, and I’m so happy I found these. Not to mention they’re delivered by such a well-spoken guy!
Love that it’s connecting with you Oda. That was my goal, to make us 4’s feel a bit more known to ourselves. I hope more of us dig it so we can move the world a bit together. Really appreciate you 👊🏼
I like him too, him and this girl IDK2.0 look her up I think you will like her too.
As a sexual 4, I relate a lot to this quote from Winter Light, a film made by Ingmar Bergman, also a sexual 4 :
'Märta Lundberg, Schoolteacher : God, why have you created me so eternally dissatisfied? So frightened, so bitter? Why must I realize how wretched I am? Why must I suffer so hellishly for my insignificance? If there is a purpose to my suffering, then tell me, so I can bear my pain without complaint. I'm strong. You made me so very strong in both body and soul, but you never give me a task worthy of my strength. Give my life meaning, and I'll be your obedient slave.'
Ooooh! That’s good
And right on!
wow, this resonated with me. The intensity, the possessiveness, the need for depth, and helping one realize their true potential and goodness as a human being.
I wonder what the feeling would be like to meet a 4 of the opposite sex and have a conversation, while aware of the enneagram. I feel like I've met a couple 4's in my life without knowing. You just get the sense of "wow that person gets me" or the feeling that you share that crazy energy, sexual attraction, and intensity with. Haven't felt that in a long time! But when you've experienced it then you know what I am talking about.
Thanks for sharing, I feel like I've tapped into a different realm by coming across the enneagram. Such a handy yet also revolutionary tool that has the ability to shed so much insight. Really is neat!
-Michelle
Yeah Michelle, I’ve had those moments too. The need for control can possibly make them a bad fit long term for each other but the sense of being known by a fellow sojourner is for real. Thanks for the response and for getting it.
Drew
Wow. As a sx4 that has felt like I was on fire my entire life, all of this was a perfect map of my experience... even the ugly parts damnit. A year ago the snowflake/butterfly comment would’ve pissed me off, but I’ve learned to hold it at arms length and laugh about it. I’ve named my inner sx4 energy “frankenfurter” from the Rocky Horror Picture Show bc of its desire to possess, dominate, be celebrated and then move on. I’m glad I don’t have to be ruled by it anymore, but now I need to know what to do with it. Thanks for all your work and sharing it with us.
I love that you named that energy! Thanks for sending me this Derek, it’s refreshing to know there’s others out there wrestling with similar complexities. Keep mapping your experience 👊🏼
Drew
This makes so much sense today. Thanks everyone 🤙🏼
Rarely have I felt so understood and akin to someone else, like I did while listening to you explain "sexual" 4s. Thank you for being this thorough with the descriptions AND using music (songs, lyrics, stylings) to aid you in that process! I feel like I'm gonna be showing/recommending this video to future "close ones" so they could get to know me better 😂
I like that idea Mario! I’ve had some friends watch so they can get me better. I appreciate the kind words and also feel a bit understood as well in hearing your feedback. Thanks man,
Drew
This brought tears to my eyes and a plethora of other emotions. From feeling seen and finally hearing language that describes my experience to intense shame, embarrassment and self reflection (not beating ourselves up 🤦🏾♂️😂) . Thank you so much for this. Recently discovered my subtype and this gave so much perspective, insight and areas of further work. 4w3sx here. Thank you!
This makes my heart full this morning 🙌🏼
I just accept that shame is my companion these days, that acceptance helps take its power away 😂
Thanks for watching and I’m gonna work on an episode today on the 4w3 so look for that in September
Drew
well well, have been obsessed with the enneagram for 30 years and as a sexual 4 this met me with a new depth - so thank you - may my work and life become deeper from it and now I understand the one on one more and am inspired to get this book written - deep love from New Zealand
I hope you watched my RUclips on sexual 4’s specifically? As a fellow SX4 I hope that one speaks to you. So you have a retreat center in NZ? I’m now following on Instagram and hope to get there someday 🙏🏼
Maybe we assemble some 4’s there 🤔
Hope you subscribed as I’m gonna keep at it for us 4’s. See you on the Instagram
Drew
Just watched your vids on the subtypes. Really appreciate that you dive in deep and detailed into the darker traits of a 4. I haven't heard people speak this detailed and honestly about the more negative aspects and that's stuff I want to hear so I can grow. You've shared much to think about, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. Super helpful
Wow! Thanks so much for watching and the feedback. Glad it hit the right notes BB. I hope the other enneagram 4 vids help too. But, again, your response keeps me inspired!
Drew
Hey Drew, I am Jo, watching you from Portugal. I am a biologist with lots of hobbies. I feel thankful for your videos full of authentic yearn for the truth and so much self disclosure. I've been studying the enneagram for 2-3 years and tested 4(w5) for 3 times, just to be sure... Some traits left me wandering at times. More recently I focused on enneagram 8 (it has always repelled me: the controlling, manipulating characters.. it reminded me of my selfish, abusive mother) and shockingly found myself in it so much that I had to consider it for me... Intense and wanting intensity from others, strongly going for what he wants, very protective of his people(not my mother, for sure), reacting to injustice before pondering on the consequences ... Fortunately I found your video comparing 4s with 8s!! I can say it was enlightening to an overwhelming state. It was the first time I found so much relevant information to the deep detail that I crave. All became clearer now. At 43 of age, I managed to become more aware of some of it's aspects and choose my own fights. I am still very triggered by my mother and people like her and I am working on that for a long time now. Nevertheless, I look at my sx instinct in a very positive way. It has actually been life-saving, allowing me to keep faithfull to my values in harsh circunstances. It also makes me move out of the buble in my darkest days (comes in cycles) to get what I need, meeting with close friends, going hiking in nature, searching for new music, reading, writing, doing my little art projects and enjoying life.
Though often described as negative in most that I have read, I believe we have so much to give to the world as inspiration, a way to see beauty in small things and reveal it to others more blind to it, a capacity for loving intensely and unconditionally when we are sure we are safe, that is difficult to match by other types and subtypes (that's why I think we feel lonely often)... I agree that 9s are great at bringing us peace and understanding, but difficulty they will match the intensity. So thank you for sharing your gift of understanding with us!!
This is absolutely awesome! Thank you for sharing this. Kinda warms my heart. I’m sure you’ll continue to go down the rabbit hole and let me know what continues to happen
Also, if you aren’t following along on instagram you might want to check it out @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy
Hey drew thanku for sharing your story.... btw what's your mbti type
you should make a public spotify !! it would be cool to have a bunch of playlists for specific subtype combos :)
I like that idea! I’ll try to get on that for 2022! Thanks for watching… and possibly listening soon
Drew
Yesssssss!
As a 4w5, you hit many notes that people rarely see in me! I keep agreeing with you and nodding my head all throughout the video.
I had been having trouble with my subtype for the last couple of months and started digging into it in recent weeks. I relate to the description of Self-Preservation 4 but it just doesn't match my intensity. Not so much with Social 4 descriptions too, which is safe to say that it's my blind spot when it comes to my subtypes.
Your description of Sexual 4 is what I'm looking for - not the other ones I've found on the internet, which can be pretty negative and... let's say, not saying so much about our positive side(s). I felt seen when you said that we can be aggressive (it doesn't help we're the most aggressive tritype too) when we're hurt, and I know damn well that I can be terrifying when someone hurts me. Did someone show me their anger? Well, I can clap back a thousand times worse than what they had initially shown me - pointing out the secrets and insecurities hidden in the darkest labyrinths of their mind. I know that person will be utterly destroyed without me even trying, so I keep this dark side of me in check.
Meanwhile, my positive side is willing to die for a person who has seen my depths and accepted me as I am. Maybe that's an over-exaggeration, but I am willing to give my heart to this person to build them up and to understand themself. Of course, I will save some parts that nourish me because I'm a special unicorn.
Guess it's safe to say that I am a Sexual Four. :D
Good! We need more SX 4’s who are self-aware and get it. Now go be you with this tool and fuck the naysayers, they don’t get it. The world needs us. We are dynamic as hell. Unleash that part that’s good but held back
I’m with you
Drew
This description is on point ❤️
I’ve been literally holding my face throughout this whole video. Since young I’ve been pretty self absorbed/aware/whatever you want to call it, I always went to astrology, as an adult in my 40’s my astrological sign of Pisces did not always resonate with me due to my want of feeling important, being recognized, my competitiveness, the fire I feel inside of me when there is something I want and doesn’t subside until I get it. This is a whole new thing to study, I can’t believe I have only now just found this.
And btw music, music, music! Love this
So so sorry for the delay, some of these slipped past me, and I only get to them when I go back to see what I missed. Hope that you have jumped more into the Enneagram in the last six months. It is pretty fascinating isn’t it. thank you for watching and giving this whole new study a go with me as a part of it. Hope you are following my Instagram if you’re on it, @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy
Thanks for being on board
Drew
19:40 REALLLLLLL i easily open up to ppl, they do too maybe because of my "im not gonna judge u i wanna rlly know u" vibe or thing and i think ppl actually like me but yk,, theres still smth missing
20:00 YES THE NEEDINESS, THE EXPECTATIONS!!
Holy moly. This has been awakening and affirming and it’s got me a bit shook. The “pairings” thing…well that’s answered quite a few questions. Thank you.
Any response that starts with “Holy Moly” makes me think I’m on to something good. Stay shook Meg, it’s the best way to live 👊🏼
Drew
This is very interesting. I am a ENFP 4w5 sx/so... I feel like my personality is just an ocean of contradictions, and I can't quite find my footing in terms of identity. I relate to a lot of what is being said here, but personally, I don't have an aggressive or malicious or vindictive bone in me. I'd go so far as to say I am forgiving to the point of being unhealthy. Feelings of inadequacy, envy, and desire to find meaning in something else, now that I've got in spades.
To be honest the shame of having that vindictive thought process is pretty gnarly. So lucky you for not having that. But, yes, definitely don’t over forgive 😉 I’d also try to tap in to the anger a bit, you may be suppressing it and so you are punishing yourself rather than targeting someone else
There’s a balance and then a healthy anger emerges and finds its home in you
Thanks for sharing
Drew
Yeah man this line always resonated with me; 'When there is nowhere I can go to offload this desire'. Also the line about 'why did you stick me in self-deprecating bones and skin' really reminds me of feel betrayed by my body, a Type 4 affect you described in a different video.
Oh hell yeah. That betrayal of body and big heart. I experienced this last night romantically and didn’t even know it till now. Hmmm, I have to go process.🤔
Drew
Wow, never heard such great description about our subtype 👏 Great video, really appreciate it!
Damn. I’ll take that praise. I’m feeling the love 🙏🏼
Drew
I don't relate with the urge to hurt others, but I am often more direct than others are comfortable with. I'm not competitive, but I do feel jealous of my friends, not because I want to be on top at all, but I want to be something, and it's hard for me to be happy about others success when I'm not succeeding, and can get therefore, jealous.
Oh, wow! What you said about having a deep connection with shows. I, too, felt that way about "Breaking Bad" and "The Magicians", to the point where I felt deeply sad when the series ended. I had characters I connected with. When it was over, it was like I lost a sense of purpose for days lol.
Here’s how I’ve solved that grieving problem. I just watch breaking bad over and over again… I think I’m on my 7th or 8th cycle. And, also, we have better call Saul. But yeah, I hear you. We are so drawn to great character development and writing and we just want to get all up in it. You are not alone!!!
Drew
I also found this the most relatable. I think I’m a self preservation. But man, definitely a lot of these sexual 4 tendencies too. Especially the relationship to fictional characters and their fictional lives. I think I would save the main character in “Fleabag” (classic sexual 4) over most human beings if made to choose.
@@zerjiozerjio if you’re like me you have a strong dose of both SP & SX. We 4’s can really identify how all 3 subtypes are working within us because we have a keen access to our emotions and our experience of different fluctuations internally. It can be hard to pin down what’s leading and following
Drew
Oh I don't where I found all this stuff (info/feelings/order/balance/epiphanies/arts) let me show you!
Hahahaha This listen was better for me the second time around after spending necessary time in sp. I completely forget about my sx dark side. It was them it wasn't me (joke). Brilliant the second time around Drew.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge. I understand myself better now. There were things that I thought was a problem like I need professional help with it. But now, I came to understand that it's merely my personality as a Sx4.
I’ve been so behind on responding to RUclips messages, my apologies 🙏🏼
I’m working on a book this year and fully immersed.
Glad this helped you not feel so crazy! 🙌🏼
If you’re interested in being on my mailing list drop your email on instagram @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy or drew@drewnewkirk.com hopefully I’ll continue to create some cool stuff to share
Well, I am completely floored. I feel so seen. Thank you for this! It’s so good to know my subtype❤️🔥
Get off that floor and live damnit 😂
Just kidding
You’re very welcome and I see you. Hopefully others do too
Drew
Painfully relatable, yet so necessary for me. Thank you, this video helped me understand myself a bit better.
I’ve been so behind on responding to RUclips messages, my apologies 🙏🏼
I’m working on a book this year and fully immersed.
Glad this helped, and thanks for watching.
If you’re interested in being on my mailing list drop your email on instagram @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy or drew@drewnewkirk.com hopefully I’ll continue to create some cool stuff to share
I feel like this was one of the best explanations of the sexual subtype. I’m a 4w3sx and this is SO helpful. Sharing with my husband because I feel vindicated that I am not alone with some of my unhealthier traits - health is a journey. ❤️
I smell a few good couples therapy sessions coming 😉 Or just send him my way and I’ll make sure he gets it 😂 Love that you got something out of this, as a fellow SX4 I know how hard it can be. And seriously, if you need any help convincing him of your awesomeness give a shout. Hope you enjoy the other enneagram 4 stuff I posted, hope it keeps helping
Drew
So helpful. So confusing. So exposing. So thought provoking. I'm not sure where I fall in the enneagram world, I see myself in bits and pieces here and there. But here, at least today, feels close to home.
Keep searching and wedging. For many it takes a lot of time. Just appreciate the journey if you can because so much is getting downloaded no matter what. From a fellow searcher I understand
Drew
Honestly thought i could be an 8, no, just a sexual 4 😂
There's another song called Sing but it's by the Dresden Dolls and I think it may actually more 4ish than the one you mentioned
Really great video! Still confused between Sexual 4 and Sexual 6, but I feel more 4-ish in terms of behavior patterns and motivation. I just thought I was more 6-like because of my more diplomatic demeanor and disciplined/serious outlook, but then I thought "Could I have tapped into that 3 wing and classified myself based on others' perception of me?"
Anyways, love your videos on the subtypes and your insights! They are so detailed and spot-on.
I’ve been so behind on responding to RUclips messages, my apologies 🙏🏼
I’m working on a book this year and fully immersed.
I find there’s a lot of people jostling between a 4 & 6 trying to figure it out. Hope you’re getting closer and closer as you dig in
If you’re interested in being on my mailing list drop your email on instagram @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy or drew@drewnewkirk.com hopefully I’ll continue to create some cool stuff to share
I don't really relate to what you said at 15:10. Maybe I'm not an SX4?
But I strongly relate to Morrissey and other SX4s. I have a deep desire for intense one-on-one connections. I've been that way since I was little. As long as I have one friend then I'm completely satisfied. It's like I become consumed in them; I want our souls to meld together because it feels like us against the world after that. I'm fiercely loyal to them until they deeply hurt or betray me. Then I become angry and almost dehumanize them in my mind. I wonder if my child-self felt like no one was there to protect her, and that's why I feel the need to latch onto someone else.
Now that I think about it again, I do relate to what you said. I don't care about being the "top dog" so it has nothing to do with that or being competitive for me. But I'm not that supportive of my significant other's success. In my mind I'm worried about them becoming so successful that they leave me or replace me with someone "better." It's a fear of abandonment.
Great processing. Rejection or the fear of abandonment are such brutal realities to confront. Be courageous in your pursuit of self my friend
Drew
For my, Morrissey's 'I Know It's Over' is the quintessential bad-place Type 4 anthem
Oh, it’s a dark one. That was college unrequited love for me right there. Tell him I relate
So good to meet someone who is also making the journey and needs to bring their insides out! Anthem, absolutely intense. That's why I love the song: Joy beautiful god spark, or with some meditations the accompanying music that lets me ascend to other spheres. Thank you for your work, which I have only now discovered.
Thank you my friend 🙏🏼
Totally appreciate it
I’m here with ya
Drew
Yes, that is all true. Here also sx - sp - so. If I'm honest and the authenticity thing is usually there, then I did have some schadenfreude, or at least wishes in that regard. Once I thought, when someone (probably an 8 fixation), verbally attacked me over and over again, you better be careful, because I'm just going to push you against the wall with my energy. Wow, disembowel like a fish, at first I thought, no, never.. but maybe so. But we get older and grow. Using something someone else said to me in a vulnerable moment I would find deeply disloyal. Maybe I did that before, it would be possible. Definitely a great video, with so much passion.. very cool! Thanks, Drew. I'm currently preparing my Enneagram workshop and your videos are a great reinforcement. Apparently I've already said something about it 🤔... whatever, that's what it says in me 😅☀️ sometimes I wonder how the self-preservation type interacts with the sexual instinct in me. All the passion and intensity meets something more tender.
It feels like i am having my subconscious self verbalized, back to me, its on one hand refreshing because someone else get what i feel but at the same time it also leaves you feeling psychologically naked. It's an interesting paradox
I get it my friend… I get it
So sorry for the delay. Glad this helped and thanks so much for watching and digging deep! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one.
If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list
Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com
Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out
Drew
My reaction to this video & some of the comments have really made me question everything I thought I knew about being a 4. I've always preferred to think of myself as more passionately principled than my SP or Social brothers and sisters. I will get up and make a scene; I do hurt feelings and Schadenfreude delights me. However, I don't do it to be competitive or to make myself feel better. Sometimes I would prefer to just go along to get along. But too often, somebody has to say, "No!"; someone has to defend a person or thing that can't or won't stand up for itself.
I know sometimes I shoot off my mouth without thinking and yeah, I used to get into arguments just for the sake of arguing. But saying or doing something to intentionally "gut" someone seems pretty unconscionable.
It's been said I can be "too much" but damn, there's a limit to how far I'd go to prove a point. And when it comes to being a 4, don't you really need a strong Three Wing to even bother competing? How worthless do you feel AFTER using something you heard in confidence to make yourself look good or win an argument?
The spectrum of human is wide and fully diversified - even within the type. This is a much larger conversation than we can have here but I wouldn’t over hyperbolize descriptions or people, including yourself… we are all trying to figure it out
Drew
@@drewnewkirk great answer. I was in a crazy mood when i wrote that. Was going to delete it but you were obviously thinking about a response.
Thanks for your insights. I do have a tendency for overstatement (i believe every word at the time but when the moment is over...) Anyway, I appreciate your reply and it helps to know I didn't alienate or aggravate. (Gotta work on my cycling 😉)
@@chachyesmeralda18 no problem! It’s not any easy thing to change our patterns… I appreciate that you are on the journey trying to work on it. Me too 😉
Big, big appreciation for the destigmatisation of SX4-cheers!
I think I'm this type, but to protect myself and not be too intense for people, I lean into self preservation type.
I want to be this intense and this passionate!
How do you not scare everyone away?
I've been like this with my art and projects. So singularly focused.
I need some of that energy i had in my youth.
I've leaned into my 5 wing and towards self preservation from being hurt and disappointed in the past.
I want to break free and jump in with passion again!
I just started exploring enneagram a few days ago.
Lol😂
Sorry for the delay, I’ve been writing a book and hiding away in the Swiss Alps to do so, haven’t been keeping up. So I guess I’m all in my projects as you were mentioning. I guess the way it works for me, is that I’m constantly getting pushed back by trusted friends and family when I go to far and I’m too intense. But for the most part, I found ways to regulate it. But yes, I also lean into my self preserver and get away to recoup. Sometimes my energy feels like a lot even for myself when I’m out and with people and I doubt my like ability. So I need to go get restored, and find some faith in myself again. Just an aside, I’m leaving groups starting in a month that are around this idea of tapping into the best part of yourself. Just saying. Hope you’re following along on Instagram to, @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy
YES dude yes this is bang on LOVE to be able to relate lapping up the intensity only a few minutes in xxxx
We intense types need to stick together so we don’t lose our minds
Drew
@@drewnewkirk to be fair I have lost mine and what I've learnt in the darkest hours is I have the power to rise
This is me to a T. But what about a video on moving toward our best self?
The video is about moving towards your best self. It’s just not fluffy and lite about it, which actually is more true to life. Additionally, there’s 2 hours and 40 minutes of the enneagram 4 overview video I did, if that doesn’t get you to your best self then I’d suggest Tony Robbins motivational videos 😉
sx 4. This was the vid I wanted to thank you for. Hehe. Left "thank you"s to the general description of the subtypes.
It's finally made sense. Why I'm so Unmoved or not motivated enough by so many things. Unmotivated by most partners. My intensity. It has shunned people away from being with me. and that feeling that I can't stand the idea of my friend being more successful than me...But also hate it when he won't follow my intensity anymore either. So much...Struggle with this.... Striving to find the perfect song. Now I realize I have to give it my all with my work, and match the intensity inside of my heart. I was just shielding it because I was getting discouraged, But I can't let that happen anymore if I want my success story
Such good processing! Yeah. Hard pill to swallow for sure and I’m with you, so many moments of doubt that now make sense. It requires me to have compassion and empathy for folks who aren’t like me. I need them too otherwise I’d explode from too much passion. But, to your point, we might as well suffer for what we love and give it our all, the rest will sort itself out. We’ll grieve, experience depression and elation and success and failure…. And we’ll learn 🙌🏼
Drew
You're describing my father...he was also a garden variety psychopath. He died 2 months ago, I'm at peace now, he can't harm me anymore...I'm SP4.
Wow! Heavy stuff. Thanks for sharing. As an SX4 myself I’m sorry he wasn’t healthy enough to use that energy for good. I’m glad you survived and are growing mature so you don’t harm people that way. Again, ade, I’m humbled by your honesty and welcome to the 4 club who’s growing healthier
Drew
I always wondered if me being competitive and sometimes brutal towards people was really a 4 thing 💀
It can be my friend
For you and me both it seems 😉
As a 4, the most intriguing type to me is 8. Something about them. I’m a sexual 4w5 and I NEVER get categorized as an 8, nor have I EVER related to the description of one. I usually get 2,7 and 9 as results if not 4. Crazy how I have a w5 and that happens.
Man oh man. Thanks for gutting me like a fish, in love. I can't remember where I read this, but it said something along the lines of, SX 4s were the ones who led the French revolution and screamed off with their heads, then actually made the heads roll.
Im a sx/sp 4w5 but VERY introverted. Is that normal?
I would say, I am pretty introverted as well when I really get down to it. But I could do social like a champ. I think we’re all on the spectrum a bit, especially fours. But I would say that sexual fours at least tend to connect with a few individuals pretty deeply from time to time so I guess it depends on how introverted, you are. If you aren’t seeing any humans, then, regardless of your number, you should probably balance it out. But if you just like to get away to regroup, I don’t think that would be abnormal here.
Drew
I realized a couple weeks ago I am a sexual 5w4 not a pure 4. Thats why I mistyped.
How do you say No to SX 4 without activating anger or shame? My brother is a sx 4 and he is very angry. When he goes to the 2 he tries to help me but later will hold it against me that he helped me. So, now I dont want his help. But if I say no to his help it triggers shame, defensiveness, or anger. It's such a tightrope. Thanks!!!
Welp, I think this is more an issue of how to say no and set good boundaries with an unhealthy person. While it doesn’t help he’s a SX 4 in how hard we can be to deal with 🤦♂️(unfortunately) it seems he’s not doing the hard work of healing and you aren’t responsible for that my friend. Maybe just create some more distance
Wow, holy smokes. This is speaking to me so much right now especially. The pairing - I thought it was because my mom has a twin, so I wanted my own twin. Or I think everyone has a twin (and get pairs of celebs confused, or I associate them with each other.)
@@corianderwolfgangrainbeaux thank you so much for watching! Glad it helped
If interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list
Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com
Hope all is well and thanks again for reaching out
Drew
One of my favorite bands is heavily inspired by The Smiths, I blindly tried to dig into their songs a few times and it didn’t stick. Feeling inspired to check them out again after some wonderful through-lines you made. The song about imagining forgiving Jesus and the whole refusal of suffering thing was like, hold on, what? 🤯🙌. So honest. Love the knowledge of self and truth telling there.
Music is so elusive sometimes. I relate to bands not sticking but I love when our palettes change a tiny bit over time. Yet, morrissey can be a tough sell at times. I recently started digging Stevie Nicks out of nowhere and was kinda surprised by myself 😂 Give a follow on Instagram Nicole, @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy - I want to hear how the music journey continues. Thanks for the inspiration
Drew
I am a terrible snob with entertainment, music, content etc. I also have the cold-blooded side, the venom and the acid tongue, when people wrong me, perceived or real.
Mate you're telling the world my secrets haha! Very humbling to be shown some of these dark sides simply through the Enneagram!
Rowan, I’ve been watching you 😂 Love it! Hope I’m revealing the bright light too. But, yes, very humbling
Hope you keep tuning in to be undressed 😉
Drew
Wow this is so on point!
So sorry for the delay. Glad this helped and thanks so much for watching and digging deep! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one.
If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list
Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com
Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out
Drew
Part of what I love about your videos is your style and look :) Im a 4 sx
Dee, that means a lot. You know you the first half of life is about acquiring, developing, obsessing about style and look…. The second half is about embodying all you accumulated after a healthy bit of editing. Thanks for noticing and affirming.
Drew
Really interesting video. I enjoyed being able to relate but not completely. I'm not a Four, I'm a Sexual Nine, and so I would be able to relate to quite a bit, so much so I had to pause a couple times. When you'd begin talking about something or wrap up whatever statement I wouldn't be able relate to it, like at some point you'd lose me and then find me again, which invariably expressed your doing a video about Sexual Fours (since both these words were expressed in a 'black and then white' sort of way). It was honestly strange, not sure what to make about it; definitely questioned my understanding of the system. Awesome video.
Do you feel like your experience of it, I mean in the processing sense, feels a bit 9? Like, a bit cloudy but so close to clear? Just curious how you frame the experience as a SX9? Love that you are digging away at the content and the process. Good stuff 🙌🏼
@@drewnewkirk Yeah, that's pretty accurate. Actually, the way you framed it may be the best way to put it as everything is meant to have one return to that cloudy state.
For one, there's what I find to be the misunderstanding of the Sexual Nine when it comes to 'merging' or 'unity'. I will take on the traits, beliefs, etc of the other person (on one occasion watched 6 seasons of the comedy show Psych for someone and only laughed twice but continued because I began to "see it") but then what goes remiss is that the other person is then expected to do the same for me and when they don't that's when anger will show up. It's odd honestly because even back in the day I would have an obtuse relationship with anger but when I get the sense that the connection I thought I had with the one person, all the understanding thought to be there, all the exclusion of other things in the world for just us, is then threatened I would get angry and it would "make sense to be angry", as though the Sexual instinct washed away concerns of aggression.
And even when it comes to instances outside of that intimate other (like with family perhaps) I'll just suddenly wreck havoc one day, like I get the sense that something needs to change, something needs to happen, and then I'll get in someone's face, call the cops (done it a couple times) - whatever. I want to hurt that person, especially emotionally. And you talked a bit about that but you seemed to express a more conscious festering of it whereas for me I'll just figure everything is fine until suddenly one day it's not and then months of emotion just shows up when I figure things are continuing in a direction I'm not about (but retrospectively the signs were there the whole time). And to tie in your point of clouds, when I get like that, with the rage, getting in someone's face, whatever, like every time it happens I have this thought pattern of wanting the other person to feel the impact of it, I want to know it had an effect, and then I'll want them to still be there ready to hear me out. And should they I'd then be willing to sort of just cool off and just shrivel up again into the peacekeeping Nine. It's like I wanted to just check in that I mattered, the Sexual instinct driving a need for impact as proof, instead of maybe a concern of 'wanting to be seen for who I am' like say a Four. So there are breaks in the sky with the hope that clouds will return.
And frankly, it would be really unhealthy of them to stay there and take it, they totally should leave, and while I am concerned of how I might hurt people during these times the more troubling part for me is that even in the midst of rage I can't stand on my own two feet. When everything is off the table, when it's time to take a stand, when it feels like I have all the strength in the world to act, there's a part of me who just wants to not be disconnected from them because then it would be just me and anything but that. Anything. And then as the Sexual subtype I aim to anchor myself with that one other for the purposes of not having to stand on my own. In fact, the times when I'm most self-developing is when I have that one other person (I'd even use a friend if there's not a romantic other at the time) because it somehow gives me permission to do things for myself because technically it's not just for me (it's for this reason why I think the Social Nine is the counter-type because they're not doing things with themselves in mind per se and thus it's A-okay to gogogo).
And where say the Four is envious that other people seem to have purpose or that missing something I'll instead figure it's awesome because it tells me everything is that much more fine because "we" are doing great (but then the shot in the foot is when I inadvertently insist in interactions with them that's it's an equal partnership when it's not). So yeah, just hoping for clouds really.
Again, love the video. There really were quite a few other moments I related to as well.
@@Magicalpow1 love the processing Zach, read through it and related to a bit myself. I can tell you are doing the heavy lifting and so keep bearing that weight, it’s healthy for a nine to add some pounds of introspection on to their backs. The grinding always pays off. Appreciate your interaction with the content man
Drew
Great video. Lucid, clarifying, and heartfelt. Thanks a lot.
Thanks for giving it a go Richard. I appreciate the investment of your time and mine. Keep digging
Drew
Wow this explains everything now I don’t feel like such a freak
Liar! You’ll still feel like a freak sometimes just not as big of one 😂
But I hear ya! We are strange birds
Drew
You just completely described everything I've ever felt. wow! I love anthems too!
Ha! Then I’m winning over here. Thanks Matt and hopefully I’ll keep doing so. Now I’m gonna go listen to an anthem 🙌🏼
Drew
I love your presentation style, Drew! Fellow 4w3 sx/soc therapist here. Your second Morrissey song example is what hit me the hardest. It seems to touch on that connection to 2. Are you by chance a 416 tritype?
Thanks a ton Tyler! Where are you practicing out of? Nope, I’m a 478 tritype (triple independent 🤯)
Love doing these. Actually working on a 4&7 video now because of that tritype
@@drewnewkirk My pleasure. I'm based in Ohio. Same tritype for me, too (7w8, 8w9). Looking forward to your 4/7 vid! I wondered about that other tritype because of subtle differences in emphasis for the sx4 experience. External factors/other things matter too, of course.
@@m.tylermcguire871 the 7 in me definitely beats out the 5 and 6 by far. But I’d be a counterphobic 7 running towards addressing pain. But the 8 and 1 compete, I think my desire to not look weak is louder than my desire for perfection
Although I’m a pretty good cop 👮♀️ 🤦♂️
Great to meet you man and hope you dig the 4&7 combo
@@drewnewkirk Interesting concept of counterphobic 7. It makes sense. Maybe you possibly having more of an 8w7 energy could explain some the variation I'm seeing. Nice to meet you too! See you around
I am curious of the reasoning behind you looking away from the camera when you are in deep thinking, and look again when concluding the point of the phrase, as I also do that and would hope it helped me type myself, I'm in between the sx4 and the sx or so5, tyvm
Good question, I do this in personal conversation too. I think it’s probably some form of a defense mechanism about engaging in too much intimacy, but also a real deep search for words and concentration. So a bit of a mix. I already tend to engage in so much intense conversation so I think the looking away helps it not be too much. Additionally, I have a difficult time finding words sometimes so looking away helps me stay focused, but I would have to admit that I have certain insecurities from my social development in high school and college that can bring on some insecurity. In these videos specifically I don’t feel all that insecure, so I think it’s a matter of finding words and taking some pressure off of the deep engagement with the camera, or the audience. Giving us both a break. That’s my initial thoughts, at least, sorry for the delay as things I’ve got backed up lately, but hope that helps,
Drew
4s and 4 wings as more self-focused than others.
Great video and Thank you for this! I found it all relatable except that part about not wanting friends to be successful, it’s usually the other way around for me unfortunately. Like I’ll have friends more enthusiastic about my failures and totally mute when I’m doing well. Smh
However In the past I have found myself envious of stupid things though, like people who are easily well liked and fawned over...
Totally get it. I’m more of a supporter of friends and champion them on, I think the part referring to the not wanting them successful is more of a thing wrestled with internally more than actually wanting - we usually come out cheering them on
I still don't know if I'm a 4, because I changed a lot from my childhood to now. When I was yong, I was very passionate, intense, shy, love seeker and moody. But now that I'm 36, I'm different; more rational, less intense and very sunny and talkative ( still shy and insecure in social situations) . Are those changes possible to a 4?
Thanks.
100%! It means you’re getting older and wiser and more mature. Additionally the SP part of you may look like a version of a 3 or 7 which explains the sunny side. It’s a blessing to the world to be a more well rounded and well adjusted 4, keep up the good work.
Drew
@@drewnewkirk, thank you!!! 👏👏👏
@@michellipirespereira6655 I totally relate. We are complex but we are also often fun and exciting to be around!
@@drewnewkirk, Yes, indeed! I was very confused because of the big change in my behavior😁! Now I am happier to know that I am more mature and less emotional and moody, because I can face life in a more pragmatic way. 😉
@@michellipirespereira6655 I think I address this in one of the episodes on work
Maybe principled in pickiness or going beyond about this very topic
Hi there, thanks so much for the video! So my question is, as sexual 4's seeking intensity and authenticity we tend to over dramatize life in general especially because we don't want to live life in the mundane but yet the balance between the intensified expectation of life we desire and acceptance of the mundane or "superficial" seems needed in order for us to survive so that we don't self sabotage by self-isolating and getting to that unhealthy place. So what do we need to implement or focus on to get that balance. I don't like or enjoy small talk or superficial conversations as they seem meaningless and redundant but it's quite evident that those types of conversations are needed in order for us to get to the meaning making conversations we so desperately desire. What do I need to learn in order to not laser focus, be overwhelming and scare people off but instead to create a welcoming space for people to feel safe and secure on a superficial level before moving into the meaning making process.
This is a way bigger question then I could answer here, definitely check out my video on Enneagram four overview, which is as thorough as I could get. But, I need to know, specifics, and more detailed description of what you do to get in your own way, which would require you becoming my client. 😉 in my own life I try to take the pressure off of my self to have a big life, which actually allows me to do practical things that would help a big life happen. Practicality is a huge part of how I see sexual fours grow, when they just get shit done. not over building up life, and then they can actually live it. With all the boring spots. But ultimately, if you want life to be bigger than make it big and stop apologizing for it.
I have both a gentleman, and a madman within me...
You’re talking my language my friend!
So sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one.
If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list
Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com
Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out
Drew
This is absolutely amazing. I was very hyper-sexual and carried myself exactly this way, though quietly. I didn't really have to use aggression for anything.
May I ask, is this why former partners from decades past still try to reach me?
I'm also a pretentious, metal-elitist. That's where I ger forceful, haha.
I never would have thought such a thing.
@@haleydoe644 partners who reach out could be for a lot of reasons, why not ask them? Think they’d be honest?
I really appreciate intelligence and also want to know more and more. I remember the time when I flirt with this competitive energy... It sucks. He didn't understand I see him like an opponent, so I value him and his mind.
It's hilarious how genuine we can be with our love but almost really self-centered and rude, isn't it?
We have to be cautious and change our tone a bit so we can be heard better. Sometimes it’s very subtle tweaks and turns of language. Our aggressiveness can be off putting but when we are aware just slight changes and helping people understand us can be very powerful and helpful
Drew
Thank you I feel very seen
Very insightful, thank you!
No problem, my joy to do
Omg you have to go to 6:17 right now!! That warning is so true and that smile is so 4SX 😂 just today told my ex with pure unconditional love in my eyes “sorry I made u think u were gonna get kidnapped, I was just feeling really scared and wanted u to understand so I could feel close to you”. 🤫🤡😈👽 need this as a GIF to give others a heads up lmao.
Hilarious. We are capable of some great darkness aren’t we?
Drew
Eneatype sexual 4 a lots of angry And creativity power inside us
We are a force to be reckoned with and it’s pretty amazing but also a power needing to be harnessed for sure or it’s wild and reckless
And that feeling of being rejected/neglected when people are not responsive to or dismiss our needs for intensity or one-or-one...
I guess the sx energy can appear different from an enneagram 4 sx-dom to another 4 sx-dom. I am INFJ 4 sx/sp, and my outward energy feel quite different than sx-dom extraverted types. I'm curious, are you ENFJ on MBTI? Social secondary?
I still am not sure on MBTI, got to take it again. But I’m definitely more introverted than I seem on camera and I’m definitely a SX/SP with a Social last
I’ll get on the MBTI soon 😉
Drew
Try “cognitive personality theory” on RUclips , by far the best content out there.
Do you like Bojack, too? Try Fleabag.
Haven’t seen it but definitely trying to watch fleabag soon
這個影片非常幫助我，我看到哭，謝謝你！
I appreciate this so much! Sorry for the delay. Reading this now and it warms the heart
Drew
Since my teens years I have wondered where this need of testing people comes from. Like if you want to be called my friend - be prepared for anything! It's very destructive(( Not to mention those bites of envy like when my friend got married before me (the only consolation was that I considered her husband to be too boring and uninteresting). I always feel guilt for such thoughts but can't do anything about them😞 The constant comparison with others' success and wanting the things I don't have... Oh...that's quite a burden few people can realize...
It gets better with time and constant working on yourself which is a thing most of us would rather not do. I can assure you though, doing that work does pay off. Mostly in the way of self-forgiveness and awareness. We’ll ride the wave of growth together 😉
@@drewnewkirk Actually I do work on that, but anyhow it was very helpful! It showed me that I'm not a born bad\broken person, it's just part of the personality to learn to deal with. Just like bursts of anger for 8s. I really feel better now. 🙂 Deep thank you, Drew!!!
@@whitefox4237 I know you do, I felt that in the response. I was more relating not coaching there 😂 I’m always reminding myself to stay Hungary for growth and appreciating people like you fighting the good fight with me. Appreciate ya and the hard work
I'm curious about your wing and tritype.
Hey Melitta. I’m a hard 4w3 as my next highest score is a 3 so it’s not just my wing but it ranks 2nd in my scores. The second question is more difficult. I believe if I had to give an answer I’d say my tritype is a 478 but as I’ve gotten older and wiser I feel more balanced so it’s hard to lock down. The 478 is the messenger and tend to be highly individual, independent and creative with a strong will to push some limits for a cause. Have you found trityping useful? I think it’s a very cool nuanced tool. I’ll probably do an episode on it soon
@@drewnewkirk7 & 8 crossed my mind for your tritype also.
Yes, I find trityping very useful. I wish more people did.
Ha! Us sexual 2w1 will gut you just as intensely as a sexual 4 or 8... but with such a sweet SMILE & intense feeling of righteousness (Spanish Inquisition anyone?)
I’ve been so behind on responding to RUclips messages, my apologies 🙏🏼
I’m working on a book this year and fully immersed.
I get it friend. The creative ways we do our thing. It’s maddening and laughable. Keep digging!
If you’re interested in being on my mailing list drop your email on instagram @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy or drew@drewnewkirk.com hopefully I’ll continue to create some cool stuff to share
3:02-3:33 SO REAL
I love the concept of linking the traits to certain songs! I am wondering, can I be a Sx 4 if I don't get into conflict that often, and when I get into conflict it's 90% of the time my mom? And can I be a Sp 4 if I can get as angry as a Sx 4 at times?
Love the question. Hard to be definitive here as I don’t fully know your story. However, some people wether SX or SP can lie on the spectrum of angry between intense and mild. If this is becoming a hang up in deciding I’d shift to other areas of distinguishing points like how likely you are to ask for what you want or share your heaviness with others. These can be just as important as how you express anger. Or, do you tend to pair regularly or preserve more. Still, this may be best worked out with a professional or a really sharp enneagram loving friend 😉
Diminish externalizations of pain in health
I love "sing"!!!
One of the best of the best songs
The prime sexual 4 is, obviously, Prince.
I like that one, a lot! I mean, “Kiss,” come on 🥰
Im so full of love and rage like a lavalamp
Makes so much sense - me too. Obvi!
So sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one.
If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list
Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com
Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out
Drew
Well said
I think we’d have great debates and breakthroughs in conversation my friend 😉
The biggest breakthrough for you will be to follow Chestnut, Fauvre, Naranjo, Ichazo, and others in rejecting "disintegration" and "integration" as being a misquote of Naranjo.
Naranjo brought up the possibility to his class that one line of connection was "higher" than another. But rejected the idea that same night.
Unfortunately his student that wrote it down did not cross it out. And it got blown through the Catholic pipeline to Riso and Hudson, Palmer, and other early books of the Enneagram that did not have the benefit of consulting Naranjo or Ichazo directly.
But Naranjo later rejected it. Ichazo never gave it the time of day. And as a 5 I reject it as I plan my 2 week Enneagram 7 vacation to Japan in March.
I think I’m a 4 so/sx. I’m not sure about my wing though
Keep digging deep James. This stuff takes quite awhile to flesh out
Hope it keeps landing
I’ll be doing some episodes on the wings soon so hope you’re subscribed so you can watch
Thanks again!
Drew
"we're hurt, we can be vindictive."
Unfortunately
"The nicest asshole"
Damn right hahaha
Truth! Join along 😂 So sorry for the delay. Glad this helped and thanks so much for watching and digging deep! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one.
If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list
Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com
Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out
Drew
do you guys with type 4 experience schadenfreude ? I really need a honest answer
Yes! Simply put. Yes! It’s a daily struggle to try to corral it
Drew
@@drewnewkirk thank you drew for your honesty im type 4 as well and i get the same feelings about it why do you think that is ?
, it makes fucking sense that we feel drawn to tragic stories or tragic heroes its very cathartic actually, nietzche talked about it in the birth of tragedy something Ancient Greece had an intuitive understanding but never expressed truly whats the meaning behind the cathartic nature of it in their art they felt its “ life affirming “ because its one of the ways to show you that you’re not alone suffering in this world thus Reversing the envy , but its not only that… i felt connection to some of the most disturbing personalities like borderline and narcissism specifically the covert narcissist ( masochistic ) and self defeated in many ways i can relate to them and you sir are amazing much love
ruclips.net/video/cXK2Latm6Is/видео.html
@@siryoucantdothat9743 totally understand. We 4’s are not easily intrigued so we, especially when we are broken, gravitate towards the novel and considerably complex - which often are jacked up people. But, yeah, we need layers and if we are healthy we get good layers. When not, watch out 🤯
Drew
Amazing work🔥
Thanks Larry.
Love that you’re getting something from it. It’s my joy to do them. Keep watching man
Drew
At freaking last I am validated 🖤
That was totally the goal! Thanks for watching. Definitely watch the enneagram 4 overview video. It’s long as hell but it’s as comprehensive as I could get. Think you’ll enjoy it
Drew
@@drewnewkirk Thank you for being a 4 yourself 💜 long as hell is how we roll.
@@asanabahrami2735 I’m with ya. We are out here, just got to hunt 😉
Hi! Happen to know your Myers Briggs type?
Ugh, I can’t remember. Been so long since I took the test and it didn’t have a huge impact on me but sooner or later I’ll take it again
@@drewnewkirk cool! Take your time haha. You got a really cool style btw :)
@@sharpiesarecool814 welp, that feedback you don’t need a Myers Briggs for! Thanks and I hope your style is hitting the right notes too!
Yes me
Oh wow, so true about being hostile, I always wondered why I'm like that even being four ,we have to bekinda empathetic? But yeah I feel bad when someone is better than me😁 and about watching sth over and over again lol I just can't stop watching some movies and friends, I actually watch till I get sick from them😁 Thank you so much for the video , you're amazing ❣️
Appreciate that my friend! I definitely am with you. And maybe we are hostile because we are so empathetic 🤯
Coldplay Amsterdam
Definitely a 4-ish band
Thanks for watching
If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list
Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com
Either way, I appreciate you
Drew
I wonder if you could be a Sx 3w4
BRUH... ANTHEMS HIT!!!
Ha! Right? Anything epic is up our alley!
Kind of annoyed at how elegant your style is
I’ve never gotten “elegant” before but I’m gonna soak this one up 🙌🏼. Thank you Jesse, as I get older I I’m trying to refine and refine the style, no shame in it. And thanks for watching
Drew
You’re like the only sexy Enneagram coach. lol
Imagine having the Sx instinct and not being sexy. 😢
-but it’s not about being sexy~!
But still… 😂
Ha! I’ll take it. The affirmation never hurts
So sorry for the delay… thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one.
If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list
Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com
Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out
Drew