My mom is a narcissist and she's definitely gotten worse with age. To the outside world she's a sweet old lady that I should take care of. When I try to tell people how evil she is they chalk it up to "well maybe she has dementia. You need to be more patient with her" So she's had dementia since she was in her 20s? Ugh... it's frustrating. Of course I always come off as the bad guy who seems cold and distant to such a sweet and helpless elderly lady. But I've learned to keep my emotions bottled up around her and to remain as neutral as possible. Meanwhile, inside I'm a wreck of emotions. Many people don't understand or even care to understand narcissism or how it works. They hear the word and automatically assume it's just a superficial person. Oh no, it's way more than that. So much more. So much evil and so much hate. Thank you for shedding light on this.
Don't you hate the unknowing enablers of these narcissists? I know they lack the knowledge to understand "These people don't think like I do", but it is still kind of infuriating. it isn't that hard to figure out that some people among us are not good people.
I feel for you, had the same mom, caused me to be vulnerable to several narcissist in my life with very damaging effects. Like, I think, many, I didn't really know what one was until very late in life. I'm soooo lucky I didn't marry one, unfortunately though having one as a grandma did hurt my children. Take care of yourself, the world will take care of mom.
I work as a handyman in a nursing home. I have encountered something very close to evil. When they die the world and the work environment becomes a better place. You actually feel the relief in the air.....
@@lisamcinnes7970 for you to say that she must have hurt you pretty bad. I feel the same about my mom but unfortunately she's still living. I'm so happy you have peace and closure to that draining relationship. 💜
I worked in a nursing home because I wanted to help seniors. People would say 'oh how nice, you're helping all these wonderful elderly people. Some of them were the loveliest people you could imagine. But a surprising number of them were very abusive & in those cases age didn't lessen that. I had people in their 90s & even well past the age of 100 physically assault me & verbally abuse me. Daily. Some would lie & tell the staff that I had done something terrible, which of course I didn't, to get sympathy. Thank God for cameras. I eventually left. People often think the worst part of that job is the hygiene part - body fluids, adult briefs, toileting, blood etc. Didn't bother me a bit. But the fact that there were so many seniors I genuinely wanted to care for & whose twilight years I wanted to improve were so malicious & in some cases dangerous drove me to quit, disillusioned. As a sidenote, none of the seniors I speak of that were nasty had dementia. Not one. They were perfectly cognizant & fully aware of what they were doing. And age didn't soften them one bit. It was a learning experience!
@@2okaycola maybe u should pray that when u get older someone will be there to wipe u r ass...regardless what they wearing, they don’t criticize the help....they are grateful.
My mom was a raging narc. I used to say she was a terrorist. But when she got Alzheimers, she seemed to forget that she hated me and could just enjoy here life. She was so popular at the nursing home. She introduced me to everyone as her daughter and told me she loved me. Something she refused to do when I was a child or an adult. It was really a gift for both of us. I'd heard some people get pleasant dementia and I thank God my mom was one. It doesn't take a way years of pain from her, but it did give me a new relationship with her that I never expected.
The same happened with my dad - he was an angry violent person for most of his life - then he got dementia and turned funny, sweet and playful! It was the weirdest experience of my life, but at least we ended up having some sort of relationship for the last few years.. really really strange though!
@@TheLampini I believe it's spiritual. When I put a prayer in my narc Grandmother's birthday card a few years ago and anointed it she literally was a different person that same night. She called me, something she never done and had a different personality. Some family called that week and said she caught Alzheimer's.
But it is not always that easy. I wish these videos had been available 60 years ago, my life would have been very different. There are several people in my life that I would not have allowed in.
My husband and I are my narcissistic moms caretakers. Her triangulation was epic in my family. We (my brothers and I.) my husband and I were the only ones willing to take her in now in latter stages of Parkinson’s. This saga would be a therapist dream analysis. She talks about us TO US, blaming it on her disease. It’s looney to say the least! I do it for my dads memory, he was a good man, manipulated by a slightly smarter wife💔
@@barbaranicholas9855 my narcissistic grandmother ruined a whole family. Until she was gone it persisted. After death I had an aunt it “landed” in. It’s almost demonic. Very sad. Love and light.
My ex is a narcissist. We share a child, and it is the scariest thing in the world to deal with someone so vindictive that he doesn't care if he destroys our kid as long as he gets his way over me.
Mine, too; we had five children--divorce was horrible, but things kept getting worse & was headed for physical abuse. My narcissistic mother's gossip made all Worse! Yes, I looked like 'The Wrong One' to all--no one asked me MY understanding of OUR situation-----they just Judged! She taught my kids how to judge ME. Hell on earth!!!!!
Truth! My ex became crazier. The rages were worse, and more frequent. It had an upside, because I got scared and got out. It’s been just over a year now. I’m 64 years old, have little money, but I am so happy to be where I am. Dr. Ramani, you have been a big help.
I told myself I would not wait for my mother to die to be feel relieved from her abuse. I cut the ties and wished her all the best for the rest of her life! That's the only way that I find suitable to me to heal and forgive her. I do not think I'll ever be able to love her but at least I feel sorry for her that she acts like this and would never change. She really destroyed the only life god gave her and I am glad I am far away so that she cannot try to destroy mine anymore.
I felt the same way for years. Thank you for saying that. I’m 56 years old and my mother is 80. Three months ago I cut her out of my life. I had a wonderful therapist 30 years ago they told me to cut her out but I couldn’t do it then. I felt an obligation to her. Three months ago I thought I only have to deal with her for another 1314 years and then she’ll die because her mother lived till she was 94. That’s when I realized how bad it had gotten. And it’s funny she has not called me once. She knows I’m done she tried calling my sons to get them on her side but they know what she’s like
@@lisamcandrews8594 Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel sorry that you mother behaves like this. It is always sad even when we lower our expectations. I am glad you finally free yourself from this situation. We do not owe anything to this kind of mothers, we only owe to ourselves since we ended up to take care of ourselves since childhood anyway. Good luck and stay strong!
@@lisamcandrews8594 I came across your post and wanted to commend you on taking action with your mother. I was 56 years old also when I realised I just could not keep contact anymore. For me it meant no contact with all my family of origin (both parents and siblings) as my family are all so tangled up. It was hard and I felt bad at times but deep down I knew I needed to do it though I could not have imagined stopping contact like this before. I was pleasantly surprised and relieved that none of them contacted me directly again. That was three years ago and I have no desire to engage again as I need to keep going and live my life and discover myself and how I can be in this life. Keep valuing yourself and well done on your courage.
My mom is 62 and she's a hardcore narcissist. Everything you say about narcissists in your videos reminds me of her, every single thing. It's like you're literally describing her.
Do whatever you need to do to make sure you are not stuck taking care of them, or at least are able to set boundaries and get away when needed. And make sure you are not dependent on them in any way. Don't let them try to hold money over your head or guilt you!
I work with the elderly in home health. I see the narcissistic elderly in all their splendor. 80+ female hotties wearing their pumps around the house on feet that have been severely distorted by too-small high heels over the years. Long dangling earrings, clothing that is more fitting to someone in their 30's, makeup that should be unlawful, and often a cold or distant personality that just suffers through what home health workers recommend. Totally involved in self, they often do not seem to care at all about the stress they are causing their son or daughter who is killing themselves to please mom/dad. With dad, it's often insisting on driving long after the stroke, the open heart surgery, or the total refusal to sell the expensive car sitting in the driveway in spite of not having enough money for getting some help in the home or other necessities. They insist their kids, relatives or friends can do all of what they need. I should be used to this by now, but I still try to tell them that it is hard on others to have to be responsible, when there are other solutions. The nod their head, totally not caring what I am saying. After all, it is all about them, while their daughter stands there in tears.
I have full empathy for the daughter and for you. You just can't speakup to her or maybe you can . It's your call. You need the job and you need soul. Both are needed. This is so unique a story for me. Maybe that's the reason kitty parties and parties of all types are famous for- showing off.
I know of one case where a women went to visit her 80+ narcissistic mother, and found her naked in the shower, applying a spray on tan! It's amazing when you see these women who still think they "got it" and are attention seekers into old age.
"After all, it is all about them, while their daughter stands there in tears." - man this really made me tear up. after 30 years the chances they'll ever change their behaviour have gotten very small. it's so sad, but let me tell you, i'm much more at peace since i don't have any of my parents in my life anymore...
Thank you for this post, I am the daughter and sole caretaker of my narcissistic 87 year old mother. Thank you for seeing me, didn't think anyone noticed.
True. My parents are in their eighties. I'm a slow learner. The scapegoat child. Dad was the overt narc and I recently figured out mom was a covert narc and probably kept him somewhat reigned in growing up. It got so bad that I was 57 before I went no contact. So much less stress! Thank you for your amazing teaching videos!
I very much doubt you are a slow learner. Narcs are just such a mindf@ck that it often takes you decades to figure out that you’re not the crazy one. That you were able to go no contact is a testament to your strength of character. Good for you.
@@teresagarcia7580 I hear you on that. Narcissism can be so insidious which makes it difficult to connect the dots, like a huge fog that leaves you perplexed, confused. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Same here bruh .. I can understand your pain .. my father is an 80 yrs old narc .. my mother was his favourite prey .. so suffered and couldn't succumbed n died 10 yrs ago .. then my father started full attacks on his children . and as i m too , a slow learner. I realised that my husband is also a copy of my father . How many times you can run away . So i m there for them . 🙂
So true. They get more entitled, more aggressive, more demanding, more and more of what they already were. It is a common belief as you mentioned that as a person ages it "mellows" down, which may be the case with normal individuals. But a Narc is not a normal individual, and never will be. Thank you for all your informative, detailed, helpful video uploads!
Narcissistic people are simply more and more evil as they age, I've come to the conclusion that they are trying harder and harder to take another soul with them before they go.
After reading about the aging narcissist I feel bad for my family cuz I went no contact last year but still getting gangstalked by a narcissist the funny thing is I don't know which narcissist started it but God got it !!
My grandmother is very toxic to the point when I was younger I wouldn't even go over there I would stay with another family member. She would slap me around call me names tell me it was a husky and a s***. It was only a kid
I am just about done with my narcissistic parents and their flying monkeys even though their 3500 miles away. they loved it kick you while you're down and purposely set out to provoke you. Then of course you the bad crazy guy for overreacting back! when this last happened to me in the last week I said to my mom "the world will be a much better place once you're dead." I was pushing a corner and my phone was hacked with my siblings not announcing who they were but obviously was them saying "mother is a gift of life!" did my mom denied it and said it was had to be one of my "associates." Taking a shot at my former bad drug addictions, this monster used to pass out talking to herself on the couch drunk off her ass while me and my friends came in while I was in high school in the late 1980s. she had the nerve to say the abuse word to me and I said pot calling kettle black just because I made a joke that Dad was getting senile when he purposely didn't make a money wire for money they owed me. Gray rocking or no contact are the only way around these sadistic beasts. you can look back at past transgressions that they made look matter-of-fact or minute by minute and see if they are completely contrived. I have actually found this answer by checking third sources. Son't give them the satisfaction of screaming out while they're slowly torturing you in pain and all but laughing at your face while doing it with that smug tone of voice. I never thought I'd sAY the words"I hate; her" my mom. But from an incident where her and my narcissistic sister gained up on me and stole hundreds of dollars and then play victim about it, I can't find any other word to describe it but HATE.
Truer words were never spoken! I just moved into senior housing and my neighbor is a horror show. She's the playground bully of the building. I've dealt with her kind before so I pay her little to no mind. I'm a happy grateful person and she can't resonate with that. Proof positive that not everything antique is good quality lol.
I think this is uncharitable to 2 year olds. My like one isn't sadistic and cares when she hurts someone. She also empathises when a baby cries or someone is upset. Narcs are just awful people outside of the normal continuum of human emotion, irregardless of age.
My maternal grandfather, and my paternal grandmother. They have both been 2 years old for at least over 70 years now. 🙃 Both covert. My covert father on the other hand 😭 just turned 50. I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL I FIND A WAY OUT OF THIS NIGHTMARE OF A LIFE ALREADY!!!
@@karendelgado203 remember whatever good you do to others even if it seems nobody notices or cares God is watching your good effort and motivations and you will be rewarded by him, nothing is unseen.
My narcissistic mother is a mean, nasty , spiteful and jealous person. She hates people that are more accomplished than her or are simply happy. She turns off the hot water to her tenants apartment. This is the meanest thing that I have noticed her do. The silent treatment was bad but to unplug the water heater is unforgivable. My mom was very proud of her appearance. She is now frail with a failing mind. No never want to be beholden to a narcissist. They will abuse the power that they have over you.
@@maxalberts85 Wow! That is sick! Hope you didn't actually mean that. Her mother is sick, but if you would actually do that then you have your own issues. I hope you are just talking BS because you are disgusted by her actions.
I have come to understand that my late mother in law was a narcissist and have begun to study the effects of being raised by one, then realized my father was one! It has helped me understand what triggers my husband and why... so I know how to walk carefully so as not to trigger his PTSD. He tends to hear criticism when none was intended, and I now understand that isn't because of me. We have been together for 33 years. We are still getting to know one another, really. We deal with one another kindly so we don't trigger one another, but if one does get triggered the other knows why and just steps back and lets the storm pass.
It took me years to shed the fleas of my narc parents. Gradually through work I saw things I had mimicked as survival techniques from them. It shames me to recall things I’ve said and done, but relieved to know it was learned and not my true nature. I lived with the lie that one parent was “good” and the other “evil” as they manipulated me. Fortunately I met someone who has helped me become a better person and to see that my childhood was common but far from normal. Yes PTSD from narcs is real.
My mom was really pretty when she was younger. Got offered jobs without any experience, had men gifting her condos, etc. She lost all her material possessions gambling and then lost her looks too. I'd imagine when she was younger, she always got things her way. People fawned over her and tolerated her meanness, self-centeredness, and self-righteousness because she was pretty. Now that she's old and ugly, people no longer fawn over her or tolerate her bad behavior. She has become bitter as hell. Yet she's just as mean, self-centered, and self-righteous as she ever was before.
Sorry for you. Must be hell with a mother like that. I had both parents like that. Without the pretty and the possessions. Makes you very strong, though. All the best from Austria.
This is pretty much the case with all pretty 'narcissistic' women. A friend of mine is going through an epic narcissistic collapse cuz' the shit that she had been doing to others for years and years is now being done unto her(karma!). Zero suppliers available. She is doomed! Just makes my faith in karma so much stronger!
Same with my mom. She is 80 and still shamelessly flirts with men she finds attractive. She's like a preteen in an old woman's body, still into colorful makeup, keeping up with what celebrities do, etc. She always picked on my looks/weight/hair/boyfriends/etc and hated that I had a busy social life. She tried flirting with one of my boyfriend's and tried to drive off others. She hated me all my life because she wanted attention all to herself. She was even jealous of my father daughter bond with my dad and threw tantrums , made up problems, triangulate to make dad hate me. In time he did because he told me "I have to live with her". I stay away from them now..sick of being treated like dirt. And they don't care. They're too busy thinking about new supply targets and themselves.
I have my own mean, old, narc husband. I’m a lot younger than him and his health is bad, to this add, his ranting and raving about everything. I have to take anti-depressants just to feel somewhat normal. He makes me feel guilty if I want to have lunch with a girlfriend. I will pray for all of you, and please pray for me. Thanks for letting me vent.
Arghhhh, how I feel for you. They truly are horrible humans who make you feel bad CONSTANTLY. I’m also still in my sh!tshow, in fact just had another “drama” today because I should have gotten the coffee ready when he got up. I said “can you not just ask me politely to make coffee”, instead of being angry and disrespectful, to which he replied “it was a joke”. How funny. Everyday, I keep asking myself “why don’t I just pack my bags, why do I keep taking this abuse ?”. Something is wrong with me that keeps me in this unhealthy relationship. I hope I figure it out and manage to get out before my life is over. So go have lunch with your girlfriends and lie to get out of the house if you have to, like an errand or something. For years I insisted on honesty because I thought it was the only way but I found out the hard way that you can’t count on honesty protecting you from a narcissist. Quite the contrary. Look out for yourself because you know your husband doesn’t have your back at all. Stay safe.
@@ThingsILove2266 Thanks. I understand what you are saying. I think I was already “programmed” from my upbringing to be a people pleaser. I have come to realize that my mom had lots of narcissistic characteristics and I was always trying to not make her angry. So anyways, I am working hard on “deprogramming” myself and trusting my instincts. I also have a plan.
Dealing with my aging mother has been one of the most stressful, challenging phases of my life. Her problems have always been "more important," than mine (I've literally heard those words), and the pressure to be her "shoulder to lean on," has never been higher - my going through chemo and multiple surgeries meant zip in that regard. The constant joyless texts.. idk what I'm going to do. As you heard here: narcissists only get worse with age... WAY worse. I'd like to enjoy a few of my middle age years if I'm lucky (diagnosed before I turned 40), but I have a parent who seems to think I should be "elderly" with her. (Mind you my mom enjoyed traveling, partying, shopping, relative financial freedom, etc. in her 40s.) The blow to her ego due to aging and caring for my father during his illness is NOT going well. I've sought counseling, but my med bills are high enough.. I really appreciate videos like this and support from others in this situation 🙏🙏🙏 if you're watching this, I imagine there's a reason, and I wish you luck and peace
Yes please! I am in the middle of dealing with my 86 yr old Narc mother who has abused prescription pain and “nerve” pills my whole life. She has definitely gotten worse with age.
My husband of 48 years was so difficult anyway. The last 2 years of his life he was especially cruel and devaluating of me. Then I learned he was gay cheating because he couldn't be a man. Now widowhood brings peace at last.
Good for you. Although I’m sure you still carry a lot of trauma, you are on your way ... enjoy your life, you owe nobody nothing. Now is your time for you. Be well.
Some people make the earth a better place by their presence and some people make it a better place by their absence. May your heart spirit and mind heal and the narcissist in your husband also take rebirth being a normal person
Oh crap my grandmother is somewhat like this and the stuff she puts my mother through is so unfair. She plays way too many games saying how she misses her son (who refused to take care of her at her age) just to get on my mother’s nerves. She’s always in pain, says she can’t remember anything but remembers exactly what she ate for dinner a week ago so she won’t eat the same today. My mom has to think of new ways to please her. Every time I ask her why she puts up with it, my mom just answers “ she’s my mother....” my mother deserves so much more than that. She spent her life caring for others. Thanks for your video Dr. Ramani. I’m a new subscriber!
My response was always "because the Bible says honor your father and mother." That is, until a Christian counselor pointed out that hating and resenting her because of the abuse and manipulation she heaped on me was not honoring her. He told me to honor her by cutting off contact, healing, and letting forgiveness take place. He was right.
@@Mrs.TJTaylor I wouldnt call that being a martyr or saint. Some people are just conditioned and have it in them to be a people pleaser. And it aint bad unless you meet a narc lol. The problem is most women that are abused by narc husband + husbands narc mom have low intellect and knowledge (which is part of inteligence, doesnt mean a person is stupid, emotional inteligence sometimes 'outsmarts' intellect. Its just an effect of our crap education... that is designed by narcs and psychopaths), no boundries and narcs reveal themselves when the baby is born so there is a hook in the whole sick relationship. That was the case of my mum and when i woke up 3-4 years ago, I put narcs (my dad and grandma) "in the corner" and educated my mom on those things. Now its way better. Grandma is dead and my dad is helpless with his abuse since hes a moron and all his tricks were revealed by me heh. They still live together but dad cant abuse anymore and he said he is disappointed I "changed" his wife haha. All you can do is to get to know their ways and then its just fun (well in the sad kind of way on the other hand, but what you cant help, you laugh off).
I can relate totally. My grandmother became an irritable self-absorbed narc when she lost her mobility, while as a younger grandma she was just moody and cold and unfair towards the grandchildren she resented. Fits of rage and breakdowns and controling behaviour and paranoia got worse, too.
@@joeldecoster8816 Not unless your brain is deformed. Many of us crave to create, to learn and to inform others, to raise our children well, and to be honorable, honest, forthright, and just.
I think you can offer a CC closed-captioning translation, or maybe even a dubbed video. Please try to find out. I know I have seen some channels ask for translations. Maybe directly ask Dr. Ramani. My daughter has been married to a Libyan national and I haven't seen her in a year. He was sweet as could be before, and they even supported me in court against my narc husband. I think he took her away because one night he came into MY HOUSE after I got my husband out (and my husband tricked him into eating pork, and said it was goat, and I told my son-in-law, but still somehow got blamed for it), and tried to tell me not to talk about a certain thing. I am no pushover, and I told him, "Don't tell me what to talk about in my motherfucking house!" They were gone the next day. My daughter, my first child now doesn't even respond to my calls or texts. I don't know if it is more prominent in Arabic cultures, probably not. But I do know any information that can be spread to other sufferers might help. Please find out. From what I hear of my son-in-law's father, who was a close person to Gahdaff, sounds like he is a real narc too. He put his one son in jail for dating the wrong woman, and lit his car on fire when he was mad. I am worried about my daughter. I only hope she does not end up in Libya, as he wants.
I’m 56 years old and I finally got rid of my narcissistic mother. I dealt with a lot of abuse in my past. My very dear therapist 30 years ago told me to cut her out. But I couldn’t. Six months ago I went to a store and I brought my mother with me. And of course my mother asked who looks younger me or my daughter. And the sales person said of course you look younger he was trying to make a sale. I was the one buying the thousand dollar couch. And she was looking for all the compliments. And she kept looking for the compliments and she got them from him. And it hit me. I should’ve done It 30 years ago. But I did it now and I feel such a sense of relief. I always thought I had a wait for the day to feel a sense of relief.
You did the right thing. Myself and my wife went through the same motions with her mother. My wife's health started suffering because of all the hate and evilness out of her that we had to make a choice. For our kids to see their mother in a coffin due to looking after a ungrateful monster or just walk away and save our family. Best move we ever made. We now keep all negative and narcissistic people away from us.
I am 51 and have been gradually distancing myself from my abusive narc mother for the past 18 months. Last week she announced she was visiting my city. I sent her a text refusing to see her and immediately had a massive panic attack. For the days i knew she was in town i walked around in high alert, waiting for her to leap out around the next corner and publicly humiliate me. I showed pictures of her to my colleagues and instructed them, if she rocked up, not to let her in. I warned the concierge of my building. The minute i was confident she’d gone home i felt such elation and relief - Im confident ive made the break and i genuinely feel like a new person. People, dont wait like Lisa and i did! Cut your narc today!!!
My narc mother passed away in 2008. today is her birthday. She discarded my narc dad & when i was 22. & wanted to party with me, looking for guys. It became a competition for her. People told her how young she looked. But she was still extremely jealous of others that looked good at their age. She'd yell & scream if i said someone on t.v. was attractive. Saying they'd had cosmetic surgery. It was a mess. I didn't learn about narcissism until 2019. & now i understand their behavior.
Your life is your life. Easier said then done but don't try to give your time to people who make you feel uneasy when you are around them. As much as we think selfishness is bad, well yes it is but sometimes we need to be selfish and put ourselves first to be able to live a sane life. Not just with Narcs, histrionics, socios,.psychos and the lot that come with personality disorder problems even with just pure jerks. Never allow anybody make you feel crap in life, stay away from toxic people for your own sake and never feel bad about it.
I just found this older video. I would love to see this topic revisited and expanded upon. I'm dealing with 72 year old mother and with the pandemic, it's just draining the life out of me. She's always been childlike minded in addition to her narcissistic ways, but it is certainly getting worse. I work 10-12 hours in a high stress job for long periods of time, and it's not going well. I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I haven't had a break from work, but because she's been forced out of her part time job a year ago, she's been so demanding. I've done a lot for her, and suggested all kinds of hobbies for her, but I just can't manage her demands. I'm exhausted from work and still do so much for her, but she wants a day out to have fun and I just don't have the energy for that, or I have to work. I feel so bad for her as I know it's difficult not working, but she's made me responsible for her happiness. She demands way more from me than she ever gave me when I child and couldn't do for myself. She thanks me for what I do, but only when she feels I'm ignoring her. She is the queen of guilt trips. I could use some more advice here.
just got to know my mom is a covert narc on 8th July 2019. And the fact that she is jealous of me and my presence and my smile. It gives me shivers and tears. But she is so shrewd, an awesome con-artist, she plays with me. I really need to leave her cos jealousy in turn is giving her high BP and she doesn't care.
The Philippines is a paradise for aging narcissist. Our culture demands that we respect older people even tolerant to their narcissistic outburst and bullying of younger people.
My aging sister is horrible. She has no one in her life and her kids have cut off ties. She’s kept her 25yr old daughter roped in to her misery but other than that she’s alone. I can’t talk to her bc I am building my life again at 51 and happy for what’s ahead. She is so jealous of me that I can hear it on the calls. Her voice gets vicious and vindictive. She has no interest in my life yet had the nerve to say when she gets older she’ll just come live with me if I move closer bc her kids don’t want her. Yet never has visiting me before. No ma’am. This trauma stops here.
Dominik Parry-waller yes society has become very superficial. The duck face selfies, the talking themselves up and the sense of entitlement is rife. But that’s like a 1 on the scale of NPD.
@@marg147 I would say its more like 3 or 4 on NPD scale, however I would think there are more ppl now at the extreme end compared to 10years ago! New scientist magazine (issue date 17th august 2019) says perfectionism is increasing too! Check it out interesting article
Why don't you try asking? When I listen to her I don't usually look at the video. That's why I wish RUclips would allow you to turn off the phone screen without shutting video down.....
yes the exnarc is 63 and hooked up with a 35yo. He has money, had his eyes done and driving the sports car and bought a huge new house for the new supply. Narcissism runs in his family. He's got everybody on the "payroll " so he can manipulate them at his will. Its" cult" like!
My older sisters, in their 70s have so many other mental illnesses now. They became so negative about everyone and everything. They don't like to go out in public because they're afraid of crime. They like the drama and thrill they get from talking about the worst thing that could ever happen. I can't keep healing talking to them because this is what they want to talk about. One's husband died last week and she summoned me to come and give her emotional support and I know why; her kids won't listen to her complain about the hospice nurses and how she'll manage a small house on her own. He has always been her grunt and agreed with everything she said and did. What I heard years before he got cancer was: "He's not watching Rifleman!! There's things that need done!!" He wasn't allowed a moment's peace. He took a job 2 years ago when she retired and she made him quit. I talked to her last December and listened to her victimhood and I promised myself I was exiting before she could entangle me when this all went down. After we hung up, I blocked her number..and when I was 'summoned' via my daughter, I told them No Way. One of the best decisions I ever made. 💚
My mother used imaginary illnesses to manipulate my poor Dad who always fell for it. He took care of her, did everything for her.When he got Alzheimer’s and needed her, she dumped him.
Haha! Yes, I know about this. My battle axe mother lived to 94 and her determination to degrade and dominate her children got stronger by the day. She even tried to dominate death. From her own stories, she was a nightmare child from birth, demanding the sole attention of her parents and being insanely jealous of her siblings. (not that she even realised what she was devulging about herself). Very sad if one is born like that. Can't be a happy experience for anyone. Thanks for broaching this aspect of the disorder.
The problem is when a narcissist has a big family. They can go from child to child for a long time, sometimes so long 😂😂 each one of them must undergo the ignominy; when they themselves earlier denied the rest of the brood their validation. Victims fail to compare notes. It’s makes for terrible concentric circles of toxicity spreading for decades in multiple generations, persistent repercussions. I am still grappling with the consequences of my maternal grandmother’s narcissism & she has been dead 15 years‼️
Mine too, my grandmother hated me and it only got worse when I got older and she got older. I didn't act like somebody from the 18 hundreds would act and I was a disgrace to her
It was my father who was the puppet master. Then my older, jealous narcissistic sister thought she would step into his shoes. Sorry, but no thanks. Had enough to last a lifetime.
Wow. My ex husband and his mother. Thank you for shedding light on this! My covert narcissist ex husband was a minister. He hid in plain sight always appearing to care for others while abusing and gaslighting me to near insanity. I was married to him for 26 years and he has worsened the older he's gotten. Same can be said for his mother. I've never in my life seen so much evil in one family. His father was a narcissistic abuser to his wife and two boys. In 2009, he committed suicide at age 68 in the property within earshot of all of us- his entire family. It was traumatic beyond belief, and its taken me and my children years to heal from it. They are all grown up now, and I'm divorced and live alone. My eldest son is also a narc and has cut me completely out of his life simply for leaving his father even though he knows his father is an evil bastard. It's been a long few years and I'm not able to see my two grandchildren because of all this. The saddest thing in the world is to marry into a narcissist family thinking you're marrying a good person only to find out not long after you've made the worst decision of your life. Religion and "saving face" kept me in bondage to him, never wanting our church members and my family to know how wicked he really was. Him being a minister was the perfect cover and gave him an endless source of supply. When I left, my kids decided to stay with him because he played the "your mother abandoned us" card. Now, after 3 years of no relationship with my children, I do have one with my younger 3 kids. My eldest refuses to be in my life, giving me the never ending silent treatment. I pray daily for strength and I'm healing because I speak the truth now and no longer hide in shame.
Play the game back Just be a never ending ray of sunshine around her Realise she wont change Death stare her back then smile and say mummy would you like a cup of tea.
Awesomemusic, get ready for the worse! If you don't document your acts of care you can be accused of elderly abuse, neglect and robery! She might call the police investigation on you and be very, very convincing. So be ready to have witnesses to the contrary. Narc has no conscience!
I’m 25 years old and I thought my mother was narcissist because she always wanted to look good and was very conscious of her image to the world. Now I realized she truly has this personality disorder and I was victim of everything you can Imagine from a narcissistic mother. I was gaslighted , received cold treatment to suddenly my mom buying me everything I wanted new phone new clothes etc. It was an emotional roller coaster. Last thing she did really was too much, she took all my laundry and threw it away! More than half of my clothes gone just like that and she would denied still denies it and whenever I ask she gets defensive or try to make me feel like I’m crazy or say things like: Isn’t enough with all the thing I buy for you?. Truly emotional abuse. now with Dr Ramani I’m dealing with my grief and healing from all the manipulation and I never loved myself more thank you Doctor you are amazing.
So helpful. Going through this now with a very senior parent. Moodiness has become bitterness and hopelessness- an exaggeration of who she use to be. Really difficult. I have managed my expectations and it’s brought a lot of relief
Thanks a lot, Dr Ramani, for talking about aging narcissists. This is a topic I was hoping you would address. Dementia adds an even greater challenge to the already challenging dynamic of dealing with an aging narcissist. For example, a person who's used to being the best mathematician in the family, who has now lost his ability to even work out simple mathematical calculations on paper, can become even more frustrated and impatient than he used to be. A person who used to be a dynamic and popular public speaker, who can no longer give lectures because he can't remember everyday words, can be more frustrated and volatile than he used to be. The intense emotional outbursts of the narcissist can become even more scary than when the narcissist was young and lucid. When narcissists are elderly, they still want to be independent and self-sufficient, they still want to be the life of the party, they want to be complimented for every one of their accomplishments, past and present. And yet, in old age, and especially if they suffer from cognitive impairment, they are more needy, more dependent and more lonely, and if they've driven everyone else out of their life and have no one else left but their spouse to remember their past accomplishments and notice their present achievements, they're also not going to get all the praise they crave, because the spouse is too exhausted from dealing with the narcissist's dementia to be much of an adoring fan! Just saying...
True that! OMG, my aging father is out of control! Hi bad behavior is multiplied exponentially. Very difficult for me and my family to manage and very hard for us to find support. Thank you for your insight, very much!
I hear you my grandmother had to have the best of everything and kept everything until we put her into a home because we had no choice because of her narcissism. She was so pissed off because we took a lot of things they were basically harmful to her but she had to have, faceless tell me text for out of the question for her wearing her high-heeled shoes and her fur coats
@@ladymopar2024 my gran spent a week in a nursing home to be assessed. In her time there she turned the place upside down with her ‘personality’. She applied to get into another nursing home and was refused stating they can’t take anyone that is so challenging like her
So is my sister. Facelift 2, along with lots of surgeries. She told her grandkids not to call her grandma. She unfriendly a 30 year friend because she posted happy 68 birthday on Facebook.
i cant hear you Dr. Ramani!!! First off I want to say thank you so much for all this content. I just fairly recently discovered it and it has helped with my particularly unique situation I have with an older narcissist. I find so much that he has picked up everything that gets under my skin and will "deploy" behaviors to watch me react. the bigger the better, even when the reactions I'm giving are actually bothering him too. For example he will know very well making a snide comment about me or my intelligence makes me angry and i know he values privacy and his reputation so my reaction would be to begin narrating what we are doing and saying loudly for the neighbors to hear. to which he responds with him whispering "shut up!!!!" but has to add "you stupid f*cking lunatic" then id say "just stop insulting me and ill be quiet!" and oddly he just does not stop even if its for his own benefit as well. Any attention i get he gets envious almost like i dont deserve it over him. Anything he might get sick with I could never get as "sick" as he is or have anything serious at all. many times have i needed help like getting horrible sick with something my doctors couldn't pin point, but left me weak and delirious, I'm at his place, pass out finally, get pushed awake and he's looming over me saying he cant stand my snoring so I'm not longer allowed to sleep there. in fact he suggested i leave home. so i had to get up get my stuff and without being totally lucid managed to drive home where i collapsed until my parents had to come by and take me to the doctor. He keeps trying to convince me I'm unattractive or unwanted yet he calls and texts me constantly and talks about what he's been doing lately whenever i see him. he's become overly reliant on asking me questions about anything because he knows i usually have answers for him, but that conflicts with him reiterating i don't know anything and that he doesn't know why he listens to me, yet never ceases to ask me questions about everything i mean everything as in even before making decisions and asking if he made the right one after the fact. if i wasn't such an advanced empath and i wasn't always one when i knew him, i would have such low self esteem and motivation to pretty much not do anything other than help the narcissist with whatever he wants me help with and be okay standing by in the corner until he needed me again but not in view of him because he often cast stand the sight of me. trust me theres a big story that explains the 9 year roller coaster my life has been with him but theres a lot. and pretty much everything you covered that I've watched so far I've been able to pull up examples from my history of abuse to correlate the topic with. mainly, I'm more relieved I'm not actually crazy or horrible at all.
Doctor Ramani, my wife must have found you on RUclips but we watch all of your videos. My father in law is a Narcissist. He is also our boss as we all work for the family business that he created. Up until our recent finding of your videos, we barely knew what a Narcissist was let alone could finally (at least) diagnose that what we have been dealing with over a decade of hurt was Narcissism. Your dissection or break down of the symptoms left us in shock, jaws hanging opened as you literally described with text book accuracy my father in law. I cannot tell you how much help your videos have been to us. While the hurt and painful jabs are constantly present, you've opened a window to us on how to deal with it, how to prepare yourself mentally. It's amazing how much you have helped us cope and come to an understanding with life. For anyone our there that doesn't understand, it's like dealing with a school yard bully x10 that has somehow convinced you to love them and do what they say. It's always knowing that no matter how hard you try, you'll never suffice. The only people who will be at your funeral one day will be the very people you hurt your entire life! What a bowl of shit soup. Just wanted to say thank you, you've truly helped us. 🥺🥺💕💕💕
As a (malignant) narcissist parent caregiver sooner or later one comes to the question: Why did I put up with it up to this point? I think that's the most important question for ones own life in this situation. In order to think my way through until then, I have lost everything: Job, all capital, but what makes me angry as hell: Part of my mind also, by gaslighting. And of course heritage. I'm still trying to heal. I had 3 narc girlfriends over time, who behaved either like gold diggers or wanted to have a donkey who makes their lives easy, but these ones i could survive. There were also others, who really loved or were serious and honest, and in some cases i was not right how i behaved. But even if it took sometimes years to heal from those partnership abuses, by far the most horrible, disgusting, humbling and devastating experience was now with my narc parent. It took me step by step to go down to the abyss in nearly 6 years, to understand his hate, to his will to destroy everything which made me happy, unique, loveable an successful. But the more the contrast increases in the recognition of my being (or my soul?) now and before that happened, the more i'm aware of how much force and violence he used to bring me down. First by needle pricks, but then with massive aggression. Again, as a help for others, question yourself after every small needle prick from the narc: Where are my boundaries? How far will i let them go? What happens, if i turn around and leave? Is it really so frightening to stand your ground against them? Because, if you don't answer this questions for you time by time, it hurts even more when you finally have to answer the question to others: "Why did you put up with it up to this point?" Then you realize the whole tragedy and how "dumb" you have been (and this time not only in the eyes of a narc, but also in normal peoples eyes). And that's the narcs final win, and it connects your personal misery with the kind of society you (or we) live in. You expected the enemies only outside? No. They are the ones who were closest to you...
After decades of struggling I finally cut my mother off. She's in her 60s and still looks great but men in her age group ain't trying to deal with her nonsense. So now she's alone except for her golden child son.
I’m 41 and am always trying to deal with my narcissism by focusing on my feelings rather than my looks and understanding that it’s not my looks / status/ money etc. That matters, it’s how I feel about myself and how I treat people. It has taken me a long time to understand in practice, rather than just in theory, that changing how I look will not make me happy / make ‘everything ok’ (I’ve already had some surgery and want to get more) I’m getting there but still have a lot to do. That’s the great thing about aging, it brings wisdom! Thanks Dr. Ramini, I would super appreciate any clinical examples of how to overcome narcissism and or deal with aging (I sometimes feel depressed and disgusted by my aging self, even though I know I can’t do anything about it and it’ll only get worse). Thankyou
The more I study this subject of narcissism, the more I know and am certainly convinced that I made the right decision to leave my last job. Both the manager and supervisor were old and only getting older and their psychopathy was going off the rails and off the charts, the director did nothing to rein them in so he was in fact complicit in this matter as well. I know the crew is very unhappy with these shitheads as they turn an otherwise good job into a job from hell. I'm so glad I'm in a better place now. Workplace violence isn't just physical, it can also take the form of verbal, emotional, mental and psychological abuse. Companies and corporations are clueless as to what is going on right in their own domains, not that they would care.
Well said! And really that's the most baffling part of it- why their superiors tolerate it at the cost of everyone else. In the end everyone loses, so why tolerate it????
I went through this too- more than once. They tolerate it because they don't have to deal with it head on. Nor do they have to. If there's at least one person below them, they will always, and I mean always, put it on them. As long as they don't have to deal with it, the subject will never exist. That's why they are always so confused as to why they lose people, professionally or personally.
@@annadawson5325 Yeah and those two shitheads are still there AND I've seen 6 positions open up after I left meaning guys started following my lead right out the door! It really is THAT BAD!!!
I wonder if company directors or owners allow managers to be abusive because they want it that way. Like they are perpetrating the evil through proxies.
@@bluecollarlit There are millions upon millions of job openings, quits and resignations. Whether this scenario is allowed knowingly or unknowingly, the top people are STILL complicit in this matter. Although companies will say/claim "zero tolerance" for workplace violence, it remains in place insidiously and as an unspoken agreement/law/allowance among the narcissists both overt and covert. They use it to secure their own positions, it makes them look like they have everything under control when in fact disasters lurk around every corner like safety disasters, anger issues among the staff, retaliation, set ups, people quitting, resigning, walking off the job, people getting hurt or even killed. I cite the recent school shooting in Texas, the delay in action by that one officer (commander), which I analyzed as a power and control issue (narcissist). It's the arrogant narcissists that need to be identified, called out and removed from those positions, no matter what they know and how good they do their jobs. But this is the dilemma that no company and no department wants to face.
It’s very difficult when it’s your mother who’s narcissistic. I try to limit contact as much as possible, but even when I live hundreds of miles away, she finds ways to guilt trip me and make everything about her. 🙄
My narc is still handsome even tho he is older - he stays thin, dyes his hair and dresses well. Since men are so outnumbered by women in the older age groups - he still gets lots of supply from older women admirers. The loss of his job and professional status did make him meaner and crueler
This is soooo helpful, as I just am learning my 67 year old, egomaniac brother's deep disorder is that he is a Narcissiit! It all makes so much sense, especially along with his alcoholism. Wow! While I feel sad for him, as I know he would never even entertain the idea of admitting to it, or getting help, at least I have an understanding of how to deal with him and not be personally upset by his behavior and attitude. Thank You! ! !
When I heard Dr. Ramani say, "You're doing it wrong," my eyes nearly popped out of my head. That was my father's go-to phrase! Q for all: After the death of the narcissistic parent, how do you handle the sibling who resents you but mourns him?
Super duper, spot on. Thank you. My brother and I wanted next to nothing to do with my narc mother as she aged! We actually cut a deal with our sister, degreed in gerontology, who helped her in seeing doctors and finally into assisted living and more! The difficulty we seem to all have in significant coupleships is that we are unconscious drawn towards the positive and negative characteristics of our original caretakers. My sister and I say, our kind grandmother , who also was our caretaker was very kind and considerate, saved us kids! This is also why I felt blindsided when I met the covert narcissist who was superficially nice and respectable but OMG....as the mask came off and the controlling and exploitation occurred then I didn’t want to believe it. My covert narc mother was hidden behind the mask of my grandmother. That’s called Imago, Greek for image. Now I’m learning to trust my keen intuition and instincts....if I smell smoke, then there’s dangerous fire! Time to crawl, run, call a halt and assess the best way out! The kicker is that I was a mental health crisis worker dealing with heavy stuff, suicidal stuff. I actually didn’t have to have knowledge of heavy duty narcissism, except for some in common traits of borderline personalities who make suicide attempts frequently for attention.
Activating *"Loudness Equalization"* on a Windows Computer will help greatly. I just tested it on this video myself. This feature automatically adjusts sound that is either too loud or too soft to normalize it. You can still turn the volume down or up. To activate this feature, go to "Speaker Properties", select the tab labeled "enhancements", and click the box labeled "Loudness Equalization".
I think my malignant narcissist cousin is hitting the wall at 72...she can’t find a man to validate her, kids have their own lives. But she still has grandkids to feed off. She still fills her FB page with photos of herself, posing and trying to look younger. My malignant narcissist mother from her mid-60s on was a real monster.
Love how you speak and communicate. So fluently, effortlessly and eloquently you transfer your library of knowledge to your receivers. Makes me wish the time turns back and Iwas a psychology student and you were my professor.
One of the worst things these people do if they are family is to shift all responsibility for themselves on to you. It is often subtle but it means you are to blame for everything. So they can stay ‘nice’ to the outside world whilst you are caught up in the fall out from others.
Yup! My dad closed his business which was absolutely his identity… and he is a very very different person. He is cruel and invalidating when I try to help him. He even took my hat today! Lolol
Thank you Dr Ramani. This and your other posts help me understand narcissism and support me I feel the harsh judgment of others are worse from myself. When, at 56 years of age, I found myself counting how many years more my mother would live I realised I just could not keep contact anymore. For me it meant no contact with all my family of origin (both parents and siblings) as my family are all so tangled up. It was hard and I felt bad at times but deep down I knew I needed to do it though I could not have imagined stopping contact like this before. I was pleasantly surprised and relieved that none of them contacted me directly again. That was three years ago and I have no desire to engage again as I need to keep going and live my life and discover myself and how I can be in this life. It is such a personal and complex area and only the person can decide how to respond to a narcissistic person. I find the main thing is to keep valuing yourself and be courageous
Oh yes, things are more overt and bizarre now with my parent. Much more devious though which is scary. I also find retirement gives a person a lot of time that they didn’t have before to concoct things. I’m weary.
If you grou up with them, you become blind for their disorder and to make it worse, you think their behavior is normal and the others are sick. So your whole perception of reality is twisted and once you wake up from this illusion you have to throw your whole childhood and teenager times into the bin and all relationships also. Everything was a lie, nothing was real, that's the worst of all.
The ramping up of their bad behaviors starts before what most people would consider old age. My narc spouse, who turns 59 next week, has been ramping up his bad behaviors for at least the last 5 years. He is extremely resentful of having to deal with normal afflictions like arthritis- as if he should somehow be immune. And I see the affects of his binge drinking starting to show- he doesn't recover from it as quickly anymore, and I wouldn't be surprised if it starts affecting his health in more serious ways. He has always looked young for his age, but even that is waning and I'm sure that annoys him greatly. I also think his immaturity becomes less appealing to others as he ages- you typically expect people of his age to be more mature and less concerned with appearances. And of course, his frustration and anger with aging ( which he doesn't consciously acknowledge) gets taken out on me- just like everything else.
I would imagine for an ageing narcissist, their fear increases as getting older can be a bit fearful for all of us. They also can't just run out & get another target as they used to when they were younger.
My mother is an 82-year old narcissist and she has gotten worse, a lot worse. It is nightmarish to see her like this and has been tormenting at times to be the target. She is so narcissistic she would never contemplate plastic surgery. She is convinced that the young male nurses are hitting on her, because she sees herself as still gorgeous. She suffers terribly from her narcissism, and tries to inflict suffering on others. I am her caregiver as she has been unable to walk for four years. Despite her rages, anger, pettiness, egomania and all the rest, I have chosen to care for her and mostly have learned to not take it personally and regard her vanity, delusions, jealousy, outbursts and self-obsession with compassion, as her illness is rooted in pain. I also choose to see the humor, and that helps me. I have chosen this, and have no regrets. While it was like going to war for the first two years, it has ultimately matured me, kept me from becoming narcissistic as I had those tendencies.
I noticed this about aging as well especially if the person who you think is a narcissist can do cosmetic procedures on themselves (works in the profession) such as botox and fillers to look youthful. Also majority of their FB pics are selfies which are definitely admiration and validation seeking behaviors.
OMG. I wish that I would have had this information years ago. I did not imagine that my narcissistic mother could get any more mean, negative , nagging, and manipulative than she was when she was younger. She was finally diagnosed with dementia 2 years before she passed away. Honestly, there were only small differences in her personally. Doctor Ramani, thank you for your insightful videos that you are sharing with those who are enduring hellish relationships with narcissistic personalities. We need them. May God bless you.
My Mother was a narcissist... I had no contact with her for the last 10 years of her life... I think I went in to survival mode and this was the only way I could cope, by having nothing to do with her.
My dad keeps telling me as he tries to date “I like the ones out of my league” and I know he doesn’t have a solid cognitive and especially emotional understanding of what narcisism is because he kinda is the type that doesn’t care. Bad I kinda point out to him at times, “wouldn’t you rather have a girl rather than chase after people you can’t have” And he says “I only need one to make a mistake” and it’s said in a sort of smart Alec type funny kinda way. And he Dosent truly understand what and why things are the way they are.
My narcissist step mother told me once, her biggest fear is getting old. And as she ages she puts that abuse on my dad, who is passive. I had to divorce myself from that family.
Narcissistic abuse wrecked my pregnancies, my bonds & my life. 12 yrs after the break up I have realised that not only were the children dealing with symptoms & theirs, but the abuse was continuing on their contact visits & step family. They were entirely on their own. The Damage - oh my god the damage. Eating disorders, OCD, CPTSD, chronic fatigue, fybromyalgia, paranoia, school refusal, suicide attempts. Simply unfathomable pain that never leaves completely. A life’s work. That twin flame bollocks peddled by my family origins & culminating in a sacrificial bonfire. Getting away from it almost feels like some sort of intermittent ascension & it’s exhausting. Worse, we have to learn to live with it in a way that doesn’t put us on a murder charge.
Very very interesting video. It explains how my nice sweet grandfather changed drastically when he began to decline mentally. He was keeping his mean side under wraps.
Dr Ramani i had to thank you and other psychological channels for the information that you are teaching. At personal level many thing that you are teaching i had some degree of knowledge (empirically and in intuitively ways) but the way that many people like you teach, had help me give a much more deeper meaning and apply many things in a more proactive way in my life. Its a very noble endevour that people like you are taking, my best wishes and i hope that you and your team could be a lighthouse in so many topics that are practically unknown to the public and have no possible access to them.
I didn't realize my mother (and sister, for that matter) were narcissists until I actually learned what a narc was. And they both seemed to go from more overt narcs to more covert narcs, which is odd, maybe. Like, my mom is obsessed with how she and her entire family looks to the outside world, but she's a terror when we are all alone. Same with my sister; she's very nice and loving when others are around, but any other time, she's a pain to deal with. They both used to be a lot more open about it before.
I am 74 and two years ago my husband of 53 years left me for a 40 year old so this video is so relevant to me. At 70 he bought a mustang convertible and our kids and grandkids were joking about it. He was very good looking even as a senior but hated being "old". I know I had a million red flags through the years but came from a disfunctional home and married just turning 20. He insisted on getting married asap. I went to counsellors for years trying to live with him. My generation still viewed the man as the head of the household. Our son has not spoken to his father since it all happened as well as his whole family. So my husband has lost most of his family and is now sick with heart problems and turning to me. I am not turning my back on him but don't even like him anymore. I've had to try to forgive myself for staying so many years.
Yes, do forgive yourself. So, if your ex is now turning to you “in his hour of need”, does this mean the 40 yo is no longer in the picture ? Be very careful because he is hoovering you. Doesn’t mean you can’t be there for him but look out for yourself.
As my narcissistic mother gets older she has only been crueler and crazier. In short she is getting worse and life is getting worse. It would just be easier for her to pass away but she is only getting worse the older she gets. What makes this even more frustrating is that her biological family who created/ programmed her to be narcissistic have all passed away, meaning that all of her influences to act this way are no longer present or driving her to act this way. She wont get help and she wont change even with the "external influences" of her toxic family gone. The simple fact is that she is getting worse to the point of me legally disowning her. Thank you for speaking the truth about this dysfunction.
My mom is a narcissist and she's definitely gotten worse with age. To the outside world she's a sweet old lady that I should take care of. When I try to tell people how evil she is they chalk it up to "well maybe she has dementia. You need to be more patient with her" So she's had dementia since she was in her 20s? Ugh... it's frustrating. Of course I always come off as the bad guy who seems cold and distant to such a sweet and helpless elderly lady. But I've learned to keep my emotions bottled up around her and to remain as neutral as possible. Meanwhile, inside I'm a wreck of emotions. Many people don't understand or even care to understand narcissism or how it works. They hear the word and automatically assume it's just a superficial person. Oh no, it's way more than that. So much more. So much evil and so much hate. Thank you for shedding light on this.
I am in the same situation. I minimized the contact as much as possible, made it clear (to my father) that there would be consequences and moved on.
Don't you hate the unknowing enablers of these narcissists? I know they lack the knowledge to understand "These people don't think like I do", but it is still kind of infuriating. it isn't that hard to figure out that some people among us are not good people.
Your story is my story also. It's the hardest thing in the world and you owe nobody an explanation. Just take care of you! 💜
Mine is 96 now. Messed me up for 60 years. Everyone thinks he is wonderfull.
I feel for you, had the same mom, caused me to be vulnerable to several narcissist in my life with very damaging effects. Like, I think, many, I didn't really know what one was until very late in life. I'm soooo lucky I didn't marry one, unfortunately though having one as a grandma did hurt my children. Take care of yourself, the world will take care of mom.
I work as a handyman in a nursing home. I have encountered something very close to evil. When they die the world and the work environment becomes a better place. You actually feel the relief in the air.....
My impression also!
😳
Sadly that's my mom. She hurt me so many times I love her but I won't be attending her funeral. Will be breathing that sigh of relief when she's gone.
Yep my mother died two weeks ago - freedom!
@@lisamcinnes7970 for you to say that she must have hurt you pretty bad. I feel the same about my mom but unfortunately she's still living. I'm so happy you have peace and closure to that draining relationship. 💜
I worked in a nursing home because I wanted to help seniors. People would say 'oh how nice, you're helping all these wonderful elderly people. Some of them were the loveliest people you could imagine. But a surprising number of them were very abusive & in those cases age didn't lessen that. I had people in their 90s & even well past the age of 100 physically assault me & verbally abuse me. Daily. Some would lie & tell the staff that I had done something terrible, which of course I didn't, to get sympathy. Thank God for cameras. I eventually left. People often think the worst part of that job is the hygiene part - body fluids, adult briefs, toileting, blood etc. Didn't bother me a bit. But the fact that there were so many seniors I genuinely wanted to care for & whose twilight years I wanted to improve were so malicious & in some cases dangerous drove me to quit, disillusioned. As a sidenote, none of the seniors I speak of that were nasty had dementia. Not one. They were perfectly cognizant & fully aware of what they were doing. And age didn't soften them one bit. It was a learning experience!
Please tell me you bathed after every shift 🤮 why does every nurse wear their nasty scrubs out in public? May as well spray urine on everyone instead
@@2okaycola Wow, speaking of nasty people.....
@@2okaycola meanwhile you’re online spraying your toxic BS, so much worse than urine
Yep
@@2okaycola maybe u should pray that when u get older someone will be there to wipe u r ass...regardless what they wearing, they don’t criticize the help....they are grateful.
They get worse because they become DESPERATE! A desperate narcissist is DANGEROUS!
Yes they strike out to murder many bf they are buried themselves
@@patriciagriffin1505 woah that is profound
100%
Desperate for what? Please clarify. I've read a similar thing before.
Desparate of supply I guess. The people around start figuring them out n children n spouse might abondon them
Last narc I spoke to was a literal 13 year old trapped in a 60 year old's body. Creepiest shit ever.
You’ve met the stbx. So sorry about that.
Sounds familiar. They never grow up.
That’s my ex Lol 😂
, 😂😂😂😂😂😂
@@fomalhaut7722 my mom at 75 said she feels like a teenager
This is what my mom (a nurse) always said...."Whatever someone is, they get more of that". So true.
That explains why my grandma was always so sweet. I’ll never understand how she gave birth to my father. Smh.
I observed this to be soooo true!!!
My mom was a raging narc. I used to say she was a terrorist. But when she got Alzheimers, she seemed to forget that she hated me and could just enjoy here life. She was so popular at the nursing home. She introduced me to everyone as her daughter and told me she loved me. Something she refused to do when I was a child or an adult. It was really a gift for both of us. I'd heard some people get pleasant dementia and I thank God my mom was one. It doesn't take a way years of pain from her, but it did give me a new relationship with her that I never expected.
The same happened with my dad - he was an angry violent person for most of his life - then he got dementia and turned funny, sweet and playful! It was the weirdest experience of my life, but at least we ended up having some sort of relationship for the last few years.. really really strange though!
W 😂
@@TheLampini I believe it's spiritual. When I put a prayer in my narc Grandmother's birthday card a few years ago and anointed it she literally was a different person that same night. She called me, something she never done and had a different personality. Some family called that week and said she caught Alzheimer's.
Interesting. Thanks for sharing!
Good for you
Cut toxic people from your life.
But it is not always that easy. I wish these videos had been available 60 years ago, my life would have been very different. There are several people in my life that I would not have allowed in.
My husband and I are my narcissistic moms caretakers. Her triangulation was epic in my family. We (my brothers and I.) my husband and I were the only ones willing to take her in now in latter stages of Parkinson’s. This saga would be a therapist dream analysis. She talks about us TO US, blaming it on her disease. It’s looney to say the least! I do it for my dads memory, he was a good man, manipulated by a slightly smarter wife💔
@@barbaranicholas9855 my narcissistic grandmother ruined a whole family. Until she was gone it persisted. After death I had an aunt it “landed” in. It’s almost demonic. Very sad. Love and light.
PERIOD.
@@moonbuilder me too! 😞
My ex is a narcissist. We share a child, and it is the scariest thing in the world to deal with someone so vindictive that he doesn't care if he destroys our kid as long as he gets his way over me.
Sarah Pauline,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news
Mine, too; we had five children--divorce was horrible, but things kept getting worse & was headed for physical abuse. My narcissistic mother's gossip made all Worse! Yes, I looked like 'The Wrong One' to all--no one asked me MY understanding of OUR situation-----they just Judged! She taught my kids how to judge ME. Hell on earth!!!!!
I doubt he's the problem
@@thisgame2 based on what?
So scary. Randomly saw ex yesterday. It shocked me how terrified I felt.
Truth! My ex became crazier. The rages were worse, and more frequent. It had an upside, because I got scared and got out. It’s been just over a year now. I’m 64 years old, have little money, but I am so happy to be where I am. Dr. Ramani, you have been a big help.
Some Narcs have a mate that keeps the lid on the Tasmanian devil. Once that mate leaves/dies and all bets are off.
Spot on! The Carrot Dangler is off the chain!
Good analogy!
😯 I just found this out after 30 yrs...😯😯
In my case thats my ex his mother ,they have a sick relationship ,feel so stupid I went in that relationship then
I told myself I would not wait for my mother to die to be feel relieved from her abuse. I cut the ties and wished her all the best for the rest of her life!
That's the only way that I find suitable to me to heal and forgive her. I do not think I'll ever be able to love her but at least I feel sorry for her that she acts like this and would never change. She really destroyed the only life god gave her and I am glad I am far away so that she cannot try to destroy mine anymore.
I felt the same way for years. Thank you for saying that. I’m 56 years old and my mother is 80. Three months ago I cut her out of my life. I had a wonderful therapist 30 years ago they told me to cut her out but I couldn’t do it then. I felt an obligation to her. Three months ago I thought I only have to deal with her for another 1314 years and then she’ll die because her mother lived till she was 94. That’s when I realized how bad it had gotten. And it’s funny she has not called me once. She knows I’m done she tried calling my sons to get them on her side but they know what she’s like
@@lisamcandrews8594 Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel sorry that you mother behaves like this. It is always sad even when we lower our expectations.
I am glad you finally free yourself from this situation. We do not owe anything to this kind of mothers, we only owe to ourselves since we ended up to take care of ourselves since childhood anyway.
Good luck and stay strong!
@@lisamcandrews8594 I came across your post and wanted to commend you on taking action with your mother. I was 56 years old also when I realised I just could not keep contact anymore. For me it meant no contact with all my family of origin (both parents and siblings) as my family are all so tangled up. It was hard and I felt bad at times but deep down I knew I needed to do it though I could not have imagined stopping contact like this before. I was pleasantly surprised and relieved that none of them contacted me directly again. That was three years ago and I have no desire to engage again as I need to keep going and live my life and discover myself and how I can be in this life. Keep valuing yourself and well done on your courage.
You are a brave and strong lady! I wish you a wonderful life!
My narc mother destroyed not only her life, but those of her 3 children.
Then asked "Why nobody wants me now?" totally oblivious!
My mom is 62 and she's a hardcore narcissist. Everything you say about narcissists in your videos reminds me of her, every single thing. It's like you're literally describing her.
Do whatever you need to do to make sure you are not stuck taking care of them, or at least are able to set boundaries and get away when needed. And make sure you are not dependent on them in any way. Don't let them try to hold money over your head or guilt you!
Too late!!!😩
Thank you
@@lovelyenglishnature3277its never too late ,stop now 🙏
I work with the elderly in home health. I see the narcissistic elderly in all their splendor. 80+ female hotties wearing their pumps around the house on feet that have been severely distorted by too-small high heels over the years. Long dangling earrings, clothing that is more fitting to someone in their 30's, makeup that should be unlawful, and often a cold or distant personality that just suffers through what home health workers recommend. Totally involved in self, they often do not seem to care at all about the stress they are causing their son or daughter who is killing themselves to please mom/dad. With dad, it's often insisting on driving long after the stroke, the open heart surgery, or the total refusal to sell the expensive car sitting in the driveway in spite of not having enough money for getting some help in the home or other necessities. They insist their kids, relatives or friends can do all of what they need. I should be used to this by now, but I still try to tell them that it is hard on others to have to be responsible, when there are other solutions. The nod their head, totally not caring what I am saying. After all, it is all about them, while their daughter stands there in tears.
I have full empathy for the daughter and for you. You just can't speakup to her or maybe you can . It's your call. You need the job and you need soul. Both are needed. This is so unique a story for me. Maybe that's the reason kitty parties and parties of all types are famous for- showing off.
I know of one case where a women went to visit her 80+ narcissistic mother, and found her naked in the shower, applying a spray on tan! It's amazing when you see these women who still think they "got it" and are attention seekers into old age.
@@jimmieoakland3843 I wish there is some producer to this story. These stories will be the mirror for old narcs.
"After all, it is all about them, while their daughter stands there in tears." - man this really made me tear up. after 30 years the chances they'll ever change their behaviour have gotten very small. it's so sad, but let me tell you, i'm much more at peace since i don't have any of my parents in my life anymore...
Thank you for this post, I am the daughter and sole caretaker of my narcissistic 87 year old mother. Thank you for seeing me, didn't think anyone noticed.
True. My parents are in their eighties. I'm a slow learner. The scapegoat child. Dad was the overt narc and I recently figured out mom was a covert narc and probably kept him somewhat reigned in growing up.
It got so bad that I was 57 before I went no contact. So much less stress!
Thank you for your amazing teaching videos!
I very much doubt you are a slow learner. Narcs are just such a mindf@ck that it often takes you decades to figure out that you’re not the crazy one. That you were able to go no contact is a testament to your strength of character. Good for you.
I read this quickly. Hopefully you have mental and physical distance from your family.
@@BooboonancyI lived 3k miles away so didn't notice the narcissism during childhood that I let go cuz I was a young child
@@teresagarcia7580 I hear you on that. Narcissism can be so insidious which makes it difficult to connect the dots, like a huge fog that leaves you perplexed, confused. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Same here bruh .. I can understand your pain .. my father is an 80 yrs old narc .. my mother was his favourite prey .. so suffered and couldn't succumbed n died 10 yrs ago .. then my father started full attacks on his children . and as i m too , a slow learner. I realised that my husband is also a copy of my father . How many times you can run away . So i m there for them . 🙂
So true. They get more entitled, more aggressive, more demanding, more and more of what they already were. It is a common belief as you mentioned that as a person ages it "mellows" down, which may be the case with normal individuals. But a Narc is not a normal individual, and never will be. Thank you for all your informative, detailed, helpful video uploads!
Narcissistic people are simply more and more evil as they age, I've come to the conclusion that they are trying harder and harder to take another soul with them before they go.
After reading about the aging narcissist I feel bad for my family cuz I went no contact last year but still getting gangstalked by a narcissist the funny thing is I don't know which narcissist started it but God got it !!
They get to the point people actually hate them. Their toxic poison to be avoided.
My grandmother is very toxic to the point when I was younger I wouldn't even go over there I would stay with another family member. She would slap me around call me names tell me it was a husky and a s***. It was only a kid
@Roberto Insingo thanks❤ she passed yrd ago but still hurts
I am just about done with my narcissistic parents and their flying monkeys even though their 3500 miles away. they loved it kick you while you're down and purposely set out to provoke you. Then of course you the bad crazy guy for overreacting back!
when this last happened to me in the last week I said to my mom "the world will be a much better place once you're dead."
I was pushing a corner and my phone was hacked with my siblings not announcing who they were but obviously was them saying "mother is a gift of life!"
did my mom denied it and said it was had to be one of my "associates." Taking a shot at my former bad drug addictions, this monster used to pass out talking to herself on the couch drunk off her ass while me and my friends came in while I was in high school in the late 1980s.
she had the nerve to say the abuse word to me and I said pot calling kettle black just because I made a joke that Dad was getting senile when he purposely didn't make a money wire for money they owed me.
Gray rocking or no contact are the only way around these sadistic beasts. you can look back at past transgressions that they made look matter-of-fact or minute by minute and see if they are completely contrived. I have actually found this answer by checking third sources.
Son't give them the satisfaction of screaming out while they're slowly torturing you in pain and all but laughing at your face while doing it with that smug tone of voice.
I never thought I'd sAY the words"I hate; her" my mom. But from an incident where her and my narcissistic sister gained up on me and stole hundreds of dollars and then play victim about it, I can't find any other word to describe it but HATE.
Poison? They emit something WORSE than poison!!!
Why they are often used in spiritual warfare by hasatan 😂
Truer words were never spoken! I just moved into senior housing and my neighbor is a horror show. She's the playground bully of the building. I've dealt with her kind before so I pay her little to no mind. I'm a happy grateful person and she can't resonate with that. Proof positive that not everything antique is good quality lol.
Lorri-Anne Fay,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌺,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
I see it alot I'm a school counselor of very young g impressionable 🧠 s that is ultimately one day gonnal age to be an elder themselves smh how sad !😢
terrible 2's at 88. Give us patience.
I think this is uncharitable to 2 year olds. My like one isn't sadistic and cares when she hurts someone. She also empathises when a baby cries or someone is upset. Narcs are just awful people outside of the normal continuum of human emotion, irregardless of age.
My maternal grandfather, and my paternal grandmother. They have both been 2 years old for at least over 70 years now. 🙃 Both covert. My covert father on the other hand 😭 just turned 50. I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL I FIND A WAY OUT OF THIS NIGHTMARE OF A LIFE ALREADY!!!
Some of us are stuck caregiving for these monsters...
@@karendelgado203 remember whatever good you do to others even if it seems nobody notices or cares God is watching your good effort and motivations and you will be rewarded by him, nothing is unseen.
Exactly as you’ve stated
My narcissistic mother is a mean, nasty , spiteful and jealous person. She hates people that are more accomplished than her or are simply happy. She turns off the hot water to her tenants apartment. This is the meanest thing that I have noticed her do. The silent treatment was bad but to unplug the water heater is unforgivable.
My mom was very proud of her appearance. She is now frail with a failing mind.
No never want to be beholden to a narcissist. They will abuse the power that they have over you.
@@cathyvanasse4886 she did it anyway. If I know a narcissist well she must have blamed it on something else then turned it back on to fuck with them.
@@footage6402 Tenant would be prudent to get written statements of visitor witnesses corroborating that the hot water was turned off.
@@maxalberts85 Wow! That is sick! Hope you didn't actually mean that. Her mother is sick, but if you would actually do that then you have your own issues. I hope you are just talking BS because you are disgusted by her actions.
@@robhughes6506 Do you know the definition of the word hyperbole?
Yep!!! They’re only happy when others are unhappy
I have come to understand that my late mother in law was a narcissist and have begun to study the effects of being raised by one, then realized my father was one! It has helped me understand what triggers my husband and why... so I know how to walk carefully so as not to trigger his PTSD. He tends to hear criticism when none was intended, and I now understand that isn't because of me. We have been together for 33 years. We are still getting to know one another, really. We deal with one another kindly so we don't trigger one another, but if one does get triggered the other knows why and just steps back and lets the storm pass.
It took me years to shed the fleas of my narc parents. Gradually through work I saw things I had mimicked as survival techniques from them. It shames me to recall things I’ve said and done, but relieved to know it was learned and not my true nature. I lived with the lie that one parent was “good” and the other “evil” as they manipulated me. Fortunately I met someone who has helped me become a better person and to see that my childhood was common but far from normal. Yes PTSD from narcs is real.
I love your description: "we treat each other kindly." I love it!!
Each word is so very true! If you have a narcissistic partner, get away as soon as possible. It only becomes harder as time passes.
I agree. My ex got bitter, mean and abusive. Left for my safety. Daughter and hee family has nothing to do with him. TOXIC!
My mom was really pretty when she was younger. Got offered jobs without any experience, had men gifting her condos, etc. She lost all her material possessions gambling and then lost her looks too. I'd imagine when she was younger, she always got things her way. People fawned over her and tolerated her meanness, self-centeredness, and self-righteousness because she was pretty. Now that she's old and ugly, people no longer fawn over her or tolerate her bad behavior. She has become bitter as hell. Yet she's just as mean, self-centered, and self-righteous as she ever was before.
Sorry for you. Must be hell with a mother like that. I had both parents like that. Without the pretty and the possessions. Makes you very strong, though. All the best from Austria.
This is pretty much the case with all pretty 'narcissistic' women. A friend of mine is going through an epic narcissistic collapse cuz' the shit that she had been doing to others for years and years is now being done unto her(karma!). Zero suppliers available. She is doomed! Just makes my faith in karma so much stronger!
Condos?!? Lol holy shi* that’s intense.
Same with my mom. She is 80 and still shamelessly flirts with men she finds attractive. She's like a preteen in an old woman's body, still into colorful makeup, keeping up with what celebrities do, etc. She always picked on my looks/weight/hair/boyfriends/etc and hated that I had a busy social life. She tried flirting with one of my boyfriend's and tried to drive off others. She hated me all my life because she wanted attention all to herself. She was even jealous of my father daughter bond with my dad and threw tantrums , made up problems, triangulate to make dad hate me. In time he did because he told me "I have to live with her". I stay away from them now..sick of being treated like dirt. And they don't care. They're too busy thinking about new supply targets and themselves.
I know so many people exactly like your mom. It is really sad that being pretty kind of gives you the license to get away with so much.
Narcissicist : " me me me! Now now now!. Me: " no contact". Problem solved.
100% on point
@@treegirl3770 thank you tree girl. now breath the fresh air called freedom.
💯 TRUE true true
Boom
Same. Was even more than me me me. It was, “I’m going to reach out and ruin your life.” She’s quite lucky she wasn’t more successful.
I have my own mean, old, narc husband. I’m a lot younger than him and his health is bad, to this add, his ranting and raving about everything. I have to take anti-depressants just to feel somewhat normal.
He makes me feel guilty if I want to have lunch with a girlfriend.
I will pray for all of you, and please pray for me. Thanks for letting me vent.
Put yourself first ...he'll be fine
Go out with your girlfriends! What is the worst that will happen?
Arghhhh, how I feel for you. They truly are horrible humans who make you feel bad CONSTANTLY. I’m also still in my sh!tshow, in fact just had another “drama” today because I should have gotten the coffee ready when he got up. I said “can you not just ask me politely to make coffee”, instead of being angry and disrespectful, to which he replied “it was a joke”. How funny. Everyday, I keep asking myself “why don’t I just pack my bags, why do I keep taking this abuse ?”. Something is wrong with me that keeps me in this unhealthy relationship. I hope I figure it out and manage to get out before my life is over. So go have lunch with your girlfriends and lie to get out of the house if you have to, like an errand or something. For years I insisted on honesty because I thought it was the only way but I found out the hard way that you can’t count on honesty protecting you from a narcissist. Quite the contrary. Look out for yourself because you know your husband doesn’t have your back at all. Stay safe.
@@Booboonancy there is nothing wrong with you other than your self talk! Boundaries are a good thing-separation can be a good thing!
@@ThingsILove2266 Thanks. I understand what you are saying. I think I was already “programmed” from my upbringing to be a people pleaser. I have come to realize that my mom had lots of narcissistic characteristics and I was always trying to not make her angry. So anyways, I am working hard on “deprogramming” myself and trusting my instincts. I also have a plan.
Dealing with my aging mother has been one of the most stressful, challenging phases of my life. Her problems have always been "more important," than mine (I've literally heard those words), and the pressure to be her "shoulder to lean on," has never been higher - my going through chemo and multiple surgeries meant zip in that regard. The constant joyless texts.. idk what I'm going to do. As you heard here: narcissists only get worse with age... WAY worse.
I'd like to enjoy a few of my middle age years if I'm lucky (diagnosed before I turned 40), but I have a parent who seems to think I should be "elderly" with her. (Mind you my mom enjoyed traveling, partying, shopping, relative financial freedom, etc. in her 40s.) The blow to her ego due to aging and caring for my father during his illness is NOT going well. I've sought counseling, but my med bills are high enough.. I really appreciate videos like this and support from others in this situation 🙏🙏🙏 if you're watching this, I imagine there's a reason, and I wish you luck and peace
Will you please do a video on how to handle elderly narcissistic parents? It's awful.
Ditto!!! Please!
Yes pls
Yes please! I am in the middle of dealing with my 86 yr old Narc mother who has abused prescription pain and “nerve” pills my whole life. She has definitely gotten worse with age.
Add the elderly much older siblings! They ignored me until they had mobility and health issues, restricted driving, etc…sibling rivalry from Hell!
Put them in a nursing home and stay the hell away.
My husband of 48 years was so difficult anyway. The last 2 years of his life he was especially cruel and devaluating of me. Then I learned he was gay cheating because he couldn't be a man. Now widowhood brings peace at last.
Congratulations Bonnie! 💐
Good for you. Although I’m sure you still carry a lot of trauma, you are on your way ... enjoy your life, you owe nobody nothing. Now is your time for you. Be well.
My ex narc cheated with gay men, now he has a woman 24 yrs younger
Some people make the earth a better place by their presence and some people make it a better place by their absence. May your heart spirit and mind heal and the narcissist in your husband also take rebirth being a normal person
Oh crap my grandmother is somewhat like this and the stuff she puts my mother through is so unfair. She plays way too many games saying how she misses her son (who refused to take care of her at her age) just to get on my mother’s nerves. She’s always in pain, says she can’t remember anything but remembers exactly what she ate for dinner a week ago so she won’t eat the same today. My mom has to think of new ways to please her. Every time I ask her why she puts up with it, my mom just answers “ she’s my mother....” my mother deserves so much more than that. She spent her life caring for others. Thanks for your video Dr. Ramani. I’m a new subscriber!
My response was always "because the Bible says honor your father and mother." That is, until a Christian counselor pointed out that hating and resenting her because of the abuse and manipulation she heaped on me was not honoring her. He told me to honor her by cutting off contact, healing, and letting forgiveness take place. He was right.
Melanie G The bible also says that you’re parents shouldn’t provoke you to wrath
@@Mrs.TJTaylor I wouldnt call that being a martyr or saint. Some people are just conditioned and have it in them to be a people pleaser. And it aint bad unless you meet a narc lol. The problem is most women that are abused by narc husband + husbands narc mom have low intellect and knowledge (which is part of inteligence, doesnt mean a person is stupid, emotional inteligence sometimes 'outsmarts' intellect. Its just an effect of our crap education... that is designed by narcs and psychopaths), no boundries and narcs reveal themselves when the baby is born so there is a hook in the whole sick relationship. That was the case of my mum and when i woke up 3-4 years ago, I put narcs (my dad and grandma) "in the corner" and educated my mom on those things. Now its way better. Grandma is dead and my dad is helpless with his abuse since hes a moron and all his tricks were revealed by me heh. They still live together but dad cant abuse anymore and he said he is disappointed I "changed" his wife haha. All you can do is to get to know their ways and then its just fun (well in the sad kind of way on the other hand, but what you cant help, you laugh off).
@@aaliyahisrael2257 That makes ethical sense. But cite chapter and verse, please.
My grand mother... Sigh!...
I can relate totally. My grandmother became an irritable self-absorbed narc when she lost her mobility, while as a younger grandma she was just moody and cold and unfair towards the grandchildren she resented. Fits of rage and breakdowns and controling behaviour and paranoia got worse, too.
All narcissists lust for the Three As, to some degree: Attention, Admiration, and Affirmation.
isnt this what we all crave?
@@joeldecoster8816 Yes, but narcissists crave it for the wrong reasons. More to the depraved side of things, instead of the positive ones.
lilly bloom,you are too pretty to be with a narcissist!
@@joeldecoster8816 Not unless your brain is deformed. Many of us crave to create, to learn and to inform others, to raise our children well, and to be honorable, honest, forthright, and just.
And the inevitable ‘A” alone. They end up ALONE.
I wish ur videos translated into Arabic,
Our eastern societies suffering so much from narcissistic marriages..
It will be so beneficial..
Very true.... especially it being pushed under the carpet (pun intended)..
Right!!!
At least you are receiving it. Hang in there. Narccisists make us think were the crazy ones. Energy vampires they are. God loves you
I think you can offer a CC closed-captioning translation, or maybe even a dubbed video. Please try to find out. I know I have seen some channels ask for translations. Maybe directly ask Dr. Ramani. My daughter has been married to a Libyan national and I haven't seen her in a year. He was sweet as could be before, and they even supported me in court against my narc husband. I think he took her away because one night he came into MY HOUSE after I got my husband out (and my husband tricked him into eating pork, and said it was goat, and I told my son-in-law, but still somehow got blamed for it), and tried to tell me not to talk about a certain thing. I am no pushover, and I told him, "Don't tell me what to talk about in my motherfucking house!" They were gone the next day. My daughter, my first child now doesn't even respond to my calls or texts.
I don't know if it is more prominent in Arabic cultures, probably not. But I do know any information that can be spread to other sufferers might help. Please find out. From what I hear of my son-in-law's father, who was a close person to Gahdaff, sounds like he is a real narc too. He put his one son in jail for dating the wrong woman, and lit his car on fire when he was mad. I am worried about my daughter. I only hope she does not end up in Libya, as he wants.
Rana Ahmed 😘😘
I’m 56 years old and I finally got rid of my narcissistic mother. I dealt with a lot of abuse in my past. My very dear therapist 30 years ago told me to cut her out. But I couldn’t. Six months ago I went to a store and I brought my mother with me. And of course my mother asked who looks younger me or my daughter. And the sales person said of course you look younger he was trying to make a sale. I was the one buying the thousand dollar couch. And she was looking for all the compliments. And she kept looking for the compliments and she got them from him. And it hit me. I should’ve done It 30 years ago. But I did it now and I feel such a sense of relief. I always thought I had a wait for the day to feel a sense of relief.
You did the right thing. Myself and my wife went through the same motions with her mother. My wife's health started suffering because of all the hate and evilness out of her that we had to make a choice. For our kids to see their mother in a coffin due to looking after a ungrateful monster or just walk away and save our family. Best move we ever made. We now keep all negative and narcissistic people away from us.
I am 51 and have been gradually distancing myself from my abusive narc mother for the past 18 months. Last week she announced she was visiting my city. I sent her a text refusing to see her and immediately had a massive panic attack. For the days i knew she was in town i walked around in high alert, waiting for her to leap out around the next corner and publicly humiliate me. I showed pictures of her to my colleagues and instructed them, if she rocked up, not to let her in. I warned the concierge of my building. The minute i was confident she’d gone home i felt such elation and relief - Im confident ive made the break and i genuinely feel like a new person. People, dont wait like Lisa and i did! Cut your narc today!!!
You might be interested in Toxic Parents and Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward and It's Not Your Fault by Beverly Engel.
My narc mother passed away in 2008. today is her birthday. She discarded my narc dad & when i was 22. & wanted to party with me, looking for guys. It became a competition for her. People told her how young she looked. But she was still extremely jealous of others that looked good at their age. She'd yell & scream if i said someone on t.v. was attractive. Saying they'd had cosmetic surgery. It was a mess. I didn't learn about narcissism until 2019. & now i understand their behavior.
Your life is your life. Easier said then done but don't try to give your time to people who make you feel uneasy when you are around them. As much as we think selfishness is bad, well yes it is but sometimes we need to be selfish and put ourselves first to be able to live a sane life. Not just with Narcs, histrionics, socios,.psychos and the lot that come with personality disorder problems even with just pure jerks. Never allow anybody make you feel crap in life, stay away from toxic people for your own sake and never feel bad about it.
I just found this older video. I would love to see this topic revisited and expanded upon. I'm dealing with 72 year old mother and with the pandemic, it's just draining the life out of me. She's always been childlike minded in addition to her narcissistic ways, but it is certainly getting worse. I work 10-12 hours in a high stress job for long periods of time, and it's not going well. I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I haven't had a break from work, but because she's been forced out of her part time job a year ago, she's been so demanding. I've done a lot for her, and suggested all kinds of hobbies for her, but I just can't manage her demands. I'm exhausted from work and still do so much for her, but she wants a day out to have fun and I just don't have the energy for that, or I have to work. I feel so bad for her as I know it's difficult not working, but she's made me responsible for her happiness. She demands way more from me than she ever gave me when I child and couldn't do for myself. She thanks me for what I do, but only when she feels I'm ignoring her. She is the queen of guilt trips. I could use some more advice here.
just got to know my mom is a covert narc on 8th July 2019. And the fact that she is jealous of me and my presence and my smile. It gives me shivers and tears. But she is so shrewd, an awesome con-artist, she plays with me. I really need to leave her cos jealousy in turn is giving her high BP and she doesn't care.
You might be interested in Toxic Parents and Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward and It's Not Your Fault by Beverly Engel.
@@newmamaful I read it. Thank you. Also joined CODA.org
The Philippines is a paradise for aging narcissist. Our culture demands that we respect older people even tolerant to their narcissistic outburst and bullying of younger people.
Yeah! It’s true! I’m Filipino/ American and that is true of the culture.
My aging sister is horrible. She has no one in her life and her kids have cut off ties. She’s kept her 25yr old daughter roped in to her misery but other than that she’s alone. I can’t talk to her bc I am building my life again at 51 and happy for what’s ahead. She is so jealous of me that I can hear it on the calls. Her voice gets vicious and vindictive. She has no interest in my life yet had the nerve to say when she gets older she’ll just come live with me if I move closer bc her kids don’t want her. Yet never has visiting me before. No ma’am. This trauma stops here.
it's interesting that people's innate personalities intensify with age and not the other way around. I didn't realize that.
Whole society is narcissistic these days!!! Look at me look at me I'm so great look at me lol
Dominik Parry-waller yes society has become very superficial. The duck face selfies, the talking themselves up and the sense of entitlement is rife. But that’s like a 1 on the scale of NPD.
@@marg147 I would say its more like 3 or 4 on NPD scale, however I would think there are more ppl now at the extreme end compared to 10years ago! New scientist magazine (issue date 17th august 2019) says perfectionism is increasing too! Check it out interesting article
Dominik Parry-waller
I totally agree with you.
@DR Evil my point exactly Dr Evil
Yep! We are definitely that...Narcissistic on a scale of 15 to 20, and we're breeding more of them like viruses. It's a modern infestation.
Your high quality teaching deserves high resolution video, Doc!
And better audio quality as well.
It's good enough to get the message accross, which is the important thing.
Why don't you try asking? When I listen to her I don't usually look at the video. That's why I wish RUclips would allow you to turn off the phone screen without shutting video down.....
I picture it kind of like being at a cocktail party where I really can't hear anything but don't want to be rude.
I had a futon but tossed it.
yes the exnarc is 63 and hooked up with a 35yo. He has money, had his eyes done and driving the sports car and bought a huge new house for the new supply. Narcissism runs in his family. He's got everybody on the "payroll " so he can manipulate them at his will. Its" cult" like!
pmgc Younger women hook up with them for the money factor. Hope she uses him all the way to the bank!
He sounds hot.
@@Gallegos.VS24 yep he used prp to be able to get an errection . Stuck a needle in his dick 🙄
My older sisters, in their 70s have so many other mental illnesses now. They became so negative about everyone and everything. They don't like to go out in public because they're afraid of crime.
They like the drama and thrill they get from talking about the worst thing that could ever happen. I can't keep healing talking to them because this is what they want to talk about.
One's husband died last week and she summoned me to come and give her emotional support and I know why; her kids won't listen to her complain about the hospice nurses and how she'll manage a small house on her own. He has always been her grunt and agreed with everything she said and did. What I heard years before he got cancer was: "He's not watching Rifleman!! There's things that need done!!" He wasn't allowed a moment's peace. He took a job 2 years ago when she retired and she made him quit.
I talked to her last December and listened to her victimhood and I promised myself I was exiting before she could entangle me when this all went down. After we hung up, I blocked her number..and when I was 'summoned' via my daughter, I told them No Way. One of the best decisions I ever made. 💚
wow you're not wrong as they age they seem to become even more entitled to your attention, with malingering and needing constant sympathy
C O N S T A N T.
They’re just plain MISERABLE. Who wants to be around that?
My mother used imaginary illnesses to manipulate my poor Dad who always fell for it. He took care of her, did everything for her.When he got Alzheimer’s and needed her, she dumped him.
The Universe smiles and embraces us with people like Doc R!🐦💁
Sandrine,hope you are not with a narcissist!
Sandrine, Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!
Haha! Yes, I know about this. My battle axe mother lived to 94 and her determination to degrade and dominate her children got stronger by the day. She even tried to dominate death. From her own stories, she was a nightmare child from birth, demanding the sole attention of her parents and being insanely jealous of her siblings. (not that she even realised what she was devulging about herself). Very sad if one is born like that. Can't be a happy experience for anyone. Thanks for broaching this aspect of the disorder.
The problem is when a narcissist has a big family. They can go from child to child for a long time, sometimes so long 😂😂 each one of them must undergo the ignominy; when they themselves earlier denied the rest of the brood their validation. Victims fail to compare notes. It’s makes for terrible concentric circles of toxicity spreading for decades in multiple generations, persistent repercussions. I am still grappling with the consequences of my maternal grandmother’s narcissism & she has been dead 15 years‼️
My grandmother is one she has the whole family on strings she's the puppet master
Mine too, my grandmother hated me and it only got worse when I got older and she got older. I didn't act like somebody from the 18 hundreds would act and I was a disgrace to her
Katie Bon Same
@Katie, Gurl you can be my puppet master anyday.
It was my father who was the puppet master. Then my older, jealous narcissistic sister thought she would step into his shoes. Sorry, but no thanks. Had enough to last a lifetime.
Wow. My ex husband and his mother. Thank you for shedding light on this!
My covert narcissist ex husband was a minister. He hid in plain sight always appearing to care for others while abusing and gaslighting me to near insanity. I was married to him for 26 years and he has worsened the older he's gotten. Same can be said for his mother. I've never in my life seen so much evil in one family. His father was a narcissistic abuser to his wife and two boys. In 2009, he committed suicide at age 68 in the property within earshot of all of us- his entire family. It was traumatic beyond belief, and its taken me and my children years to heal from it. They are all grown up now, and I'm divorced and live alone. My eldest son is also a narc and has cut me completely out of his life simply for leaving his father even though he knows his father is an evil bastard. It's been a long few years and I'm not able to see my two grandchildren because of all this. The saddest thing in the world is to marry into a narcissist family thinking you're marrying a good person only to find out not long after you've made the worst decision of your life. Religion and "saving face" kept me in bondage to him, never wanting our church members and my family to know how wicked he really was. Him being a minister was the perfect cover and gave him an endless source of supply. When I left, my kids decided to stay with him because he played the "your mother abandoned us" card. Now, after 3 years of no relationship with my children, I do have one with my younger 3 kids. My eldest refuses to be in my life, giving me the never ending silent treatment. I pray daily for strength and I'm healing because I speak the truth now and no longer hide in shame.
My mother! Covert narc. Getting worse with age and is now living with me. My anxiety is through the roof! Death stare daily. I hate it
Play the game back
Just be a never ending ray of sunshine around her
Realise she wont change
Death stare her back then smile and say mummy would you like a cup of tea.
Awesomemusic, get ready for the worse! If you don't document your acts of care you can be accused of elderly abuse, neglect and robery! She might call the police investigation on you and be very, very convincing. So be ready to have witnesses to the contrary. Narc has no conscience!
Death stares? You may need to put that person in a nursing home. Not putting my life on the line for anyone.
I’m 25 years old and I thought my mother was narcissist because she always wanted to look good and was very conscious of her image to the world. Now I realized she truly has this personality disorder and I was victim of everything you can Imagine from a narcissistic mother. I was gaslighted , received cold treatment to suddenly my mom buying me everything I wanted new phone new clothes etc. It was an emotional roller coaster. Last thing she did really was too much, she took all my laundry and threw it away! More than half of my clothes gone just like that and she would denied still denies it and whenever I ask she gets defensive or try to make me feel like I’m crazy or say things like: Isn’t enough with all the thing I buy for you?. Truly emotional abuse. now with Dr Ramani I’m dealing with my grief and healing from all the manipulation and I never loved myself more thank you Doctor you are amazing.
You might be interested in Toxic Parents and Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward and It's Not Your Fault by Beverly Engel.
Could it be BPD instead of narc? I say that because of the switching.
So helpful. Going through this now with a very senior parent. Moodiness has become bitterness and hopelessness- an exaggeration of who she use to be. Really difficult. I have managed my expectations and it’s brought a lot of relief
Kathryn Nicholas its called growing older
Good for you. Keep your expectations realistic and make sure you fit some 'you' time in.
Thanks a lot, Dr Ramani, for talking about aging narcissists. This is a topic I was hoping you would address. Dementia adds an even greater challenge to the already challenging dynamic of dealing with an aging narcissist. For example, a person who's used to being the best mathematician in the family, who has now lost his ability to even work out simple mathematical calculations on paper, can become even more frustrated and impatient than he used to be. A person who used to be a dynamic and popular public speaker, who can no longer give lectures because he can't remember everyday words, can be more frustrated and volatile than he used to be. The intense emotional outbursts of the narcissist can become even more scary than when the narcissist was young and lucid. When narcissists are elderly, they still want to be independent and self-sufficient, they still want to be the life of the party, they want to be complimented for every one of their accomplishments, past and present. And yet, in old age, and especially if they suffer from cognitive impairment, they are more needy, more dependent and more lonely, and if they've driven everyone else out of their life and have no one else left but their spouse to remember their past accomplishments and notice their present achievements, they're also not going to get all the praise they crave, because the spouse is too exhausted from dealing with the narcissist's dementia to be much of an adoring fan! Just saying...
True that! OMG, my aging father is out of control! Hi bad behavior is multiplied exponentially. Very difficult for me and my family to manage and very hard for us to find support. Thank you for your insight, very much!
My mom is the ultimate Joan Crawford Narcissist she is 84 and on face lift number 2
I hear you my grandmother had to have the best of everything and kept everything until we put her into a home because we had no choice because of her narcissism. She was so pissed off because we took a lot of things they were basically harmful to her but she had to have, faceless tell me text for out of the question for her wearing her high-heeled shoes and her fur coats
@@ladymopar2024 my gran spent a week in a nursing home to be assessed. In her time there she turned the place upside down with her ‘personality’. She applied to get into another nursing home and was refused stating they can’t take anyone that is so challenging like her
So is my sister. Facelift 2, along with lots of surgeries. She told her grandkids not to call her grandma. She unfriendly a 30 year friend because she posted happy 68 birthday on Facebook.
i cant hear you Dr. Ramani!!! First off I want to say thank you so much for all this content. I just fairly recently discovered it and it has helped with my particularly unique situation I have with an older narcissist. I find so much that he has picked up everything that gets under my skin and will "deploy" behaviors to watch me react. the bigger the better, even when the reactions I'm giving are actually bothering him too. For example he will know very well making a snide comment about me or my intelligence makes me angry and i know he values privacy and his reputation so my reaction would be to begin narrating what we are doing and saying loudly for the neighbors to hear. to which he responds with him whispering "shut up!!!!" but has to add "you stupid f*cking lunatic" then id say "just stop insulting me and ill be quiet!" and oddly he just does not stop even if its for his own benefit as well. Any attention i get he gets envious almost like i dont deserve it over him. Anything he might get sick with I could never get as "sick" as he is or have anything serious at all. many times have i needed help like getting horrible sick with something my doctors couldn't pin point, but left me weak and delirious, I'm at his place, pass out finally, get pushed awake and he's looming over me saying he cant stand my snoring so I'm not longer allowed to sleep there. in fact he suggested i leave home. so i had to get up get my stuff and without being totally lucid managed to drive home where i collapsed until my parents had to come by and take me to the doctor. He keeps trying to convince me I'm unattractive or unwanted yet he calls and texts me constantly and talks about what he's been doing lately whenever i see him. he's become overly reliant on asking me questions about anything because he knows i usually have answers for him, but that conflicts with him reiterating i don't know anything and that he doesn't know why he listens to me, yet never ceases to ask me questions about everything i mean everything as in even before making decisions and asking if he made the right one after the fact. if i wasn't such an advanced empath and i wasn't always one when i knew him, i would have such low self esteem and motivation to pretty much not do anything other than help the narcissist with whatever he wants me help with and be okay standing by in the corner until he needed me again but not in view of him because he often cast stand the sight of me. trust me theres a big story that explains the 9 year roller coaster my life has been with him but theres a lot. and pretty much everything you covered that I've watched so far I've been able to pull up examples from my history of abuse to correlate the topic with. mainly, I'm more relieved I'm not actually crazy or horrible at all.
Doctor Ramani, my wife must have found you on RUclips but we watch all of your videos. My father in law is a Narcissist. He is also our boss as we all work for the family business that he created. Up until our recent finding of your videos, we barely knew what a Narcissist was let alone could finally (at least) diagnose that what we have been dealing with over a decade of hurt was Narcissism. Your dissection or break down of the symptoms left us in shock, jaws hanging opened as you literally described with text book accuracy my father in law. I cannot tell you how much help your videos have been to us. While the hurt and painful jabs are constantly present, you've opened a window to us on how to deal with it, how to prepare yourself mentally. It's amazing how much you have helped us cope and come to an understanding with life. For anyone our there that doesn't understand, it's like dealing with a school yard bully x10 that has somehow convinced you to love them and do what they say. It's always knowing that no matter how hard you try, you'll never suffice. The only people who will be at your funeral one day will be the very people you hurt your entire life! What a bowl of shit soup. Just wanted to say thank you, you've truly helped us. 🥺🥺💕💕💕
As a (malignant) narcissist parent caregiver sooner or later one comes to the question: Why did I put up with it up to this point?
I think that's the most important question for ones own life in this situation.
In order to think my way through until then, I have lost everything: Job, all capital, but what makes me angry as hell: Part of my mind also, by gaslighting. And of course heritage. I'm still trying to heal.
I had 3 narc girlfriends over time, who behaved either like gold diggers or wanted to have a donkey who makes their lives easy, but these ones i could survive. There were also others, who really loved or were serious and honest, and in some cases i was not right how i behaved.
But even if it took sometimes years to heal from those partnership abuses, by far the most horrible, disgusting, humbling and devastating experience was now with my narc parent.
It took me step by step to go down to the abyss in nearly 6 years, to understand his hate, to his will to destroy everything which made me happy, unique, loveable an successful. But the more the contrast increases in the recognition of my being (or my soul?) now and before that happened, the more i'm aware of how much force and violence he used to bring me down. First by needle pricks, but then with massive aggression.
Again, as a help for others, question yourself after every small needle prick from the narc: Where are my boundaries? How far will i let them go? What happens, if i turn around and leave? Is it really so frightening to stand your ground against them?
Because, if you don't answer this questions for you time by time, it hurts even more when you finally have to answer the question to others: "Why did you put up with it up to this point?"
Then you realize the whole tragedy and how "dumb" you have been (and this time not only in the eyes of a narc, but also in normal peoples eyes). And that's the narcs final win, and it connects your personal misery with the kind of society you (or we) live in. You expected the enemies only outside? No. They are the ones who were closest to you...
After decades of struggling I finally cut my mother off. She's in her 60s and still looks great but men in her age group ain't trying to deal with her nonsense. So now she's alone except for her golden child son.
I’m 41 and am always trying to deal with my narcissism by focusing on my feelings rather than my looks and understanding that it’s not my looks / status/ money etc. That matters, it’s how I feel about myself and how I treat people. It has taken me a long time to understand in practice, rather than just in theory, that changing how I look will not make me happy / make ‘everything ok’ (I’ve already had some surgery and want to get more) I’m getting there but still have a lot to do. That’s the great thing about aging, it brings wisdom! Thanks Dr. Ramini, I would super appreciate any clinical examples of how to overcome narcissism and or deal with aging (I sometimes feel depressed and disgusted by my aging self, even though I know I can’t do anything about it and it’ll only get worse). Thankyou
The more I study this subject of narcissism, the more I know and am certainly convinced that I made the right decision to leave my last job. Both the manager and supervisor were old and only getting older and their psychopathy was going off the rails and off the charts, the director did nothing to rein them in so he was in fact complicit in this matter as well. I know the crew is very unhappy with these shitheads as they turn an otherwise good job into a job from hell. I'm so glad I'm in a better place now. Workplace violence isn't just physical, it can also take the form of verbal, emotional, mental and psychological abuse. Companies and corporations are clueless as to what is going on right in their own domains, not that they would care.
Well said! And really that's the most baffling part of it- why their superiors tolerate it at the cost of everyone else. In the end everyone loses, so why tolerate it????
I went through this too- more than once. They tolerate it because they don't have to deal with it head on. Nor do they have to. If there's at least one person below them, they will always, and I mean always, put it on them. As long as they don't have to deal with it, the subject will never exist. That's why they are always so confused as to why they lose people, professionally or personally.
@@annadawson5325 Yeah and those two shitheads are still there AND I've seen 6 positions open up after I left meaning guys started following my lead right out the door! It really is THAT BAD!!!
I wonder if company directors or owners allow managers to be abusive because they want it that way.
Like they are perpetrating the evil through proxies.
@@bluecollarlit There are millions upon millions of job openings, quits and resignations. Whether this scenario is allowed knowingly or unknowingly, the top people are STILL complicit in this matter. Although companies will say/claim "zero tolerance" for workplace violence, it remains in place insidiously and as an unspoken agreement/law/allowance among the narcissists both overt and covert. They use it to secure their own positions, it makes them look like they have everything under control when in fact disasters lurk around every corner like safety disasters, anger issues among the staff, retaliation, set ups, people quitting, resigning, walking off the job, people getting hurt or even killed. I cite the recent school shooting in Texas, the delay in action by that one officer (commander), which I analyzed as a power and control issue (narcissist). It's the arrogant narcissists that need to be identified, called out and removed from those positions, no matter what they know and how good they do their jobs. But this is the dilemma that no company and no department wants to face.
It’s very difficult when it’s your mother who’s narcissistic. I try to limit contact as much as possible, but even when I live hundreds of miles away, she finds ways to guilt trip me and make everything about her. 🙄
OMG! This is exactly what they do relentlessly to their pray. Ouch!
My narc is still handsome even tho he is older - he stays thin, dyes his hair and dresses well. Since men are so outnumbered by women in the older age groups - he still gets lots of supply from older women admirers. The loss of his job and professional status did make him meaner and crueler
Exactly the same here. But I left him. After 23 years ....
This is soooo helpful, as I just am learning my 67 year old, egomaniac brother's deep disorder is that he is a Narcissiit! It all makes so much sense, especially along with his
alcoholism. Wow! While I feel sad for him, as I know he would never even entertain the
idea of admitting to it, or getting help, at least I have an understanding of how to deal with
him and not be personally upset by his behavior and attitude. Thank You! ! !
We have to remember that we have a right to be no contact with narcissistic parents. Enablers shouldn’t force us to stay in toxic relationships
So true that they compete with you for your children. And that's really putting it way too mildly.
When I heard Dr. Ramani say, "You're doing it wrong," my eyes nearly popped out of my head. That was my father's go-to phrase!
Q for all: After the death of the narcissistic parent, how do you handle the sibling who resents you but mourns him?
Super duper, spot on. Thank you. My brother and I wanted next to nothing to do with my narc mother as she aged! We actually cut a deal with our sister, degreed in gerontology, who helped her in seeing doctors and finally into assisted living and more! The difficulty we seem to all have in significant coupleships is that we are unconscious drawn towards the positive and negative characteristics of our original caretakers. My sister and I say, our kind grandmother , who also was our caretaker was very kind and considerate, saved us kids! This is also why I felt blindsided when I met the covert narcissist who was superficially nice and respectable but OMG....as the mask came off and the controlling and exploitation occurred then I didn’t want to believe it. My covert narc mother was hidden behind the mask of my grandmother. That’s called Imago, Greek for image. Now I’m learning to trust my keen intuition and instincts....if I smell smoke, then there’s dangerous fire! Time to crawl, run, call a halt and assess the best way out! The kicker is that I was a mental health crisis worker dealing with heavy stuff, suicidal stuff. I actually didn’t have to have knowledge of heavy duty narcissism, except for some in common traits of borderline personalities who make suicide attempts frequently for attention.
The low audio takes away from excellent teaching.
Yes it does
Turn it up
@Zoozooshi Crazy maybe u need new speakers mine is only half way
Yes, darn it. Please figure out how to boost the sound. Thanks.
Activating *"Loudness Equalization"* on a Windows Computer will help greatly. I just tested it on this video myself. This feature automatically adjusts sound that is either too loud or too soft to normalize it. You can still turn the volume down or up. To activate this feature, go to "Speaker Properties", select the tab labeled "enhancements", and click the box labeled "Loudness Equalization".
I think my malignant narcissist cousin is hitting the wall at 72...she can’t find a man to validate her, kids have their own lives. But she still has grandkids to feed off. She still fills her FB page with photos of herself, posing and trying to look younger. My malignant narcissist mother from her mid-60s on was a real monster.
Love how you speak and communicate. So fluently, effortlessly and eloquently you transfer your library of knowledge to your receivers. Makes me wish the time turns back and Iwas a psychology student and you were my professor.
machomp 123 me too. I was almost thinking of doing a PhD in Narcissism
One of the worst things these people do if they are family is to shift all responsibility for themselves on to you. It is often subtle but it means you are to blame for everything. So they can stay ‘nice’ to the outside world whilst you are caught up in the fall out from others.
Yup! My dad closed his business which was absolutely his identity… and he is a very very different person. He is cruel and invalidating when I try to help him. He even took my hat today! Lolol
Thank you Dr Ramani. This and your other posts help me understand narcissism and support me I feel the harsh judgment of others are worse from myself. When, at 56 years of age, I found myself counting how many years more my mother would live I realised I just could not keep contact anymore. For me it meant no contact with all my family of origin (both parents and siblings) as my family are all so tangled up. It was hard and I felt bad at times but deep down I knew I needed to do it though I could not have imagined stopping contact like this before. I was pleasantly surprised and relieved that none of them contacted me directly again. That was three years ago and I have no desire to engage again as I need to keep going and live my life and discover myself and how I can be in this life. It is such a personal and complex area and only the person can decide how to respond to a narcissistic person. I find the main thing is to keep valuing yourself and be courageous
I, too, count the years. Sometimes I wonder if they are immortal.
Oh yes, things are more overt and bizarre now with my parent. Much more devious though which is scary. I also find retirement gives a person a lot of time that they didn’t have before to concoct things. I’m weary.
Yep, they need to be banished to some place that can just be called "Boomerland."
Yep, ALL my 84 yr old MIL does is concoct horrendous manipulative emails to my husband/both of us. I think he is getting closer to blocking her.
I just ended a friendship of over 20 years with an narcissistic woman. Bolted that door shut.
So many great valid points here. Thank you.
I had to deal with these people my whole life.
If you grou up with them, you become blind for their disorder and to make it worse, you think their behavior is normal and the others are sick. So your whole perception of reality is twisted and once you wake up from this illusion you have to throw your whole childhood and teenager times into the bin and all relationships also. Everything was a lie, nothing was real, that's the worst of all.
@@moshiachhasawakened6781 my mom like this 🤦♀️
The ramping up of their bad behaviors starts before what most people would consider old age. My narc spouse, who turns 59 next week, has been ramping up his bad behaviors for at least the last 5 years.
He is extremely resentful of having to deal with normal afflictions like arthritis- as if he should somehow be immune. And I see the affects of his binge drinking starting to show- he doesn't recover from it as quickly anymore, and I wouldn't be surprised if it starts affecting his health in more serious ways. He has always looked young for his age, but even that is waning and I'm sure that annoys him greatly.
I also think his immaturity becomes less appealing to others as he ages- you typically expect people of his age to be more mature and less concerned with appearances.
And of course, his frustration and anger with aging ( which he doesn't consciously acknowledge) gets taken out on me- just like everything else.
Nancy, you don't deserve to be with a narcissist!
I have learned so much from your videos. Thank you.
I would imagine for an ageing narcissist, their fear increases as getting older can be a bit fearful for all of us. They also can't just run out & get another target as they used to when they were younger.
My mother is an 82-year old narcissist and she has gotten worse, a lot worse. It is nightmarish to see her like this and has been tormenting at times to be the target. She is so narcissistic she would never contemplate plastic surgery. She is convinced that the young male nurses are hitting on her, because she sees herself as still gorgeous. She suffers terribly from her narcissism, and tries to inflict suffering on others. I am her caregiver as she has been unable to walk for four years. Despite her rages, anger, pettiness, egomania and all the rest, I have chosen to care for her and mostly have learned to not take it personally and regard her vanity, delusions, jealousy, outbursts and self-obsession with compassion, as her illness is rooted in pain. I also choose to see the humor, and that helps me. I have chosen this, and have no regrets. While it was like going to war for the first two years, it has ultimately matured me, kept me from becoming narcissistic as I had those tendencies.
Doctor Ramani, I've learned so much and I'm so grateful!
I noticed this about aging as well especially if the person who you think is a narcissist can do cosmetic procedures on themselves (works in the profession) such as botox and fillers to look youthful. Also majority of their FB pics are selfies which are definitely admiration and validation seeking behaviors.
The spirits do not age, dont let them drag you to hell once you lose the corporeal
At first, I thought I had written Alexa's comment...so true. And they take 20 years off your life and 10: years off your soul.
OMG. I wish that I would have had this information years ago. I did not imagine that my narcissistic mother could get any more mean, negative , nagging, and manipulative than she was when she was younger. She was finally diagnosed with dementia 2 years before she passed away. Honestly, there were only small differences in her personally. Doctor Ramani, thank you for your insightful videos that you are sharing with those who are enduring hellish relationships with narcissistic personalities. We need them. May God bless you.
My Mother was a narcissist... I had no contact with her for the last 10 years of her life... I think I went in to survival mode and this was the only way I could cope, by having nothing to do with her.
My dad keeps telling me as he tries to date “I like the ones out of my league” and I know he doesn’t have a solid cognitive and especially emotional understanding of what narcisism is because he kinda is the type that doesn’t care.
Bad I kinda point out to him at times, “wouldn’t you rather have a girl rather than chase after people you can’t have”
And he says “I only need one to make a mistake” and it’s said in a sort of smart Alec type funny kinda way. And he Dosent truly understand what and why things are the way they are.
Great advice and perspective. Best to just get away from such people.
My narcissist step mother told me once, her biggest fear is getting old. And as she ages she puts that abuse on my dad, who is passive. I had to divorce myself from that family.
Narcissistic abuse wrecked my pregnancies, my bonds & my life. 12 yrs after the break up I have realised that not only were the children dealing with symptoms & theirs, but the abuse was continuing on their contact visits & step family. They were entirely on their own. The Damage - oh my god the damage. Eating disorders, OCD, CPTSD, chronic fatigue, fybromyalgia, paranoia, school refusal, suicide attempts. Simply unfathomable pain that never leaves completely. A life’s work. That twin flame bollocks peddled by my family origins & culminating in a sacrificial bonfire. Getting away from it almost feels like some sort of intermittent ascension & it’s exhausting. Worse, we have to learn to live with it in a way that doesn’t put us on a murder charge.
Man... I love watching smart women talk :-)
dearest dr. ramani, thank you very much for your hard work. i wish you nothing but the best. greetings from austria 🥰.
Very very interesting video. It explains how my nice sweet grandfather changed drastically when he began to decline mentally.
He was keeping his mean side under wraps.
Dr Ramani i had to thank you and other psychological channels for the information that you are teaching. At personal level many thing that you are teaching i had some degree of knowledge (empirically and in intuitively ways) but the way that many people like you teach, had help me give a much more deeper meaning and apply many things in a more proactive way in my life. Its a very noble endevour that people like you are taking, my best wishes and i hope that you and your team could be a lighthouse in so many topics that are practically unknown to the public and have no possible access to them.
I didn't realize my mother (and sister, for that matter) were narcissists until I actually learned what a narc was. And they both seemed to go from more overt narcs to more covert narcs, which is odd, maybe. Like, my mom is obsessed with how she and her entire family looks to the outside world, but she's a terror when we are all alone. Same with my sister; she's very nice and loving when others are around, but any other time, she's a pain to deal with. They both used to be a lot more open about it before.
true they get worse when they get older the more they feel undermined to themselves good work ramana
I am 74 and two years ago my husband of 53 years left me for a 40 year old so this video is so relevant to me. At 70 he bought a mustang convertible and our kids and grandkids were joking about it. He was very good looking even as a senior but hated being "old". I know I had a million red flags through the years but came from a disfunctional home and married just turning 20. He insisted on getting married asap. I went to counsellors for years trying to live with him. My generation still viewed the man as the head of the household. Our son has not spoken to his father since it all happened as well as his whole family. So my husband has lost most of his family and is now sick with heart problems and turning to me. I am not turning my back on him but don't even like him anymore. I've had to try to forgive myself for staying so many years.
Yes, do forgive yourself. So, if your ex is now turning to you “in his hour of need”, does this mean the 40 yo is no longer in the picture ? Be very careful because he is hoovering you. Doesn’t mean you can’t be there for him but look out for yourself.
As my narcissistic mother gets older she has only been crueler and crazier. In short she is getting worse and life is getting worse. It would just be easier for her to pass away but she is only getting worse the older she gets. What makes this even more frustrating is that her biological family who created/ programmed her to be narcissistic have all passed away, meaning that all of her influences to act this way are no longer present or driving her to act this way. She wont get help and she wont change even with the "external influences" of her toxic family gone. The simple fact is that she is getting worse to the point of me legally disowning her. Thank you for speaking the truth about this dysfunction.
You should do just that
@@anthonyiuculano6002 I am considering it.