3 Things I Should Have Known Before Getting Married
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- Опубликовано: 21 дек 2022
- In this personal video essay, one woman shares what she wishes she'd known before getting married, especially after witnessing friends go through divorces.
Through bi-weekly video essays, "Making It Work" showcases how real people have upgraded their personal or financial lives in some meaningful way. Making your life work for you doesn't mean getting rich just for the sake of it. It means making the most of what you have to build a life you love, both in your present and in your future. And while managing money is a crucial life skill for everyone, there's no one "right way" to go about it - you have to figure out what works best for you, full stop.
Video by Grace Lee / whatssogreataboutthat / whatssograce
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not a lawyer, BUT: one thing to consider about wills and life insurance, families can contest them. if you arent married and the family hates your partner it might mean they contest your will arguing your partner isnt family and you may have bene manipulated or that your partner doesnt have a right to things, such as a home in your name alone especially if it was historically in your family. this has happened to queer couples repeatedly over the decades. im sure heteronormative appearing couples have more influence in our culture but consider domestic partnership or visiting a lawyer and discussing how to get these things ironclad and well protected. just indicating a beneficiary might not protect your wishes.
While I have no delusions that I was a perfect wife/mother, same for my husband, we had a really amazing life together. We met in school, married young, but both came from broken homes and less than ideal family situations. There was a LOT of pushback from family and friends on both sides about how we were rushing into things, we'd just regret it, we'd grow apart, etc, but we both knew we wanted to be together. We had 4 children, almost 30yrs of marriage and an amazing life together before he passed a few years ago, but we talked about everything, before and after being married. However, we made sure to tell our kids that beging happy was more important than fitting a societal mold, and while 3 of our kids went on to have a pretty early start to marriage and families of their own, they knew it was because they wanted it, and not because it was Mom and Dad's dream. So far so good for all of them; we couldn't have picked better spouses for our kids and it's been amazing to see our family grow through grandkids, inlaws, and I definitely see all 3 spouses as my own children. It may not always be this way, and you can absolutely be happy, comitted and confident in your relationship without the official papers of marriage, but it's a step you need to do for yourself, not for anyone else, not even your partner or your shared children. Being married doesn't "fix" anything, and very few people would say they divorced the same person they married--because why would you marry a monster? Marriage is not all bad, but it also doesn't guarantee the fairy-tale that Disney taught us as children.
Im getting divorced right now and I will give one pushback on point #1: If you are fortunate as I am to have a spouse who is letting you go/doesnt want to fight you then you can do a preliminary agreement. Basically you two can decide together "this is who gets/doesnt get what from other". My husband and I financially didnt really progress in any meaningful way during the 6 years we have been married. We have no assests together (except his car note that is under my name) and we have no children. He moved in with me so 90% of the items in my house were mine prior to the marriage and are not considered community property by the state of Texas. We technically can have 50% of each other retirement but neither of us wants to fight the other about it. And besides a very modest amount of savings I had prior to the marriage we basically lived paycheck to paycheck so no money in our bank accounts to fight over either lol I am in an admittedly very rare situation where my spouse understands why I want the divorce and wants to put me out of the pain he has caused me so this process even with lawyers CAN be easy if you happened to have married a person who can still treat you like a human being when you break their heart. So #1 isnt 100% true all of the time that it can or will be hard. You just had to have gotten lucky on who you chose. Even though I dont want to be married to him anymore I did get lucky. It will be expensive (my lawyer retainer is $5000) but it not always be that difficult of an experience. (Especially if you two spun your wheels financially like we did lol)
My wife and I both went to multiple lawyers before we got married. I recommend this to all couples. 🤗
My fiancé and I are getting married for logistics as well as the declaration of commitment. We're from opposite sides of the world, and while he has a work visa for here, I do not for there and would struggle to find one for anything except English teaching, which does not appeal for me as a career. Being married allows us to move back to his country easily if we ever want to. The marriage is about much more than that (I am NOT marrying him for the visa!), but it's definitely a factor in us choosing to make our union legal.
People need to start realizing that marriage is a financial arrangement, not a romantic one, and treat it that way.
Depending where you live being a long domestic partner can make you have alot of the liabilities of being married but not necessarily all the rights
Who else has had this feeling all year that Chelsea is going to get divorced… I hope not!!
Anyone else who finds it deeply disturbing that payment is reasoned with „quality of life“ - precicely for people who decided to get divorced? That doesn‘t really communicate „being married is one lifestyle among many you may choose“ but „if you aren‘t married (anymore) your life is objectively less than“. Pretty disgusting if you think about it.
Yea I cohabitated too
1. Even if you keep your finances separate, the state will see them as combined.
Don't trust finances or future to the other spouse or the courts. As you age it becomes much harder to rebuild. Tragic but true.
Many areas outside the USA view cohabitation the same as being married and will consider the legal obligations the same. This video is very specific to New York.
It is time to be truthful about things like marriage, the full spectrum which also includes divorce. I encourage these discussions and pre-marital counseling. People often look at divorce as people taking the easy way out but really most people divorce only after they have done all that they can. It is much easier/cheaper to get married than divorced, it needs to be opposite.
Definitely an interesting topic, thanks for sharing. Unrelated, the narrator quality this time around seemed a bit tinny/echoey, not sure if just me
Lots of insights.Conflict is inevitable, but with the right skills, you can handle it. Friendship is non-negotiable, and it's an opportunity, not a threat.
Love how I saw this 1 month after I got married
i love my spouse to death, but we only got married when we did because my health was declining incredibly fast, and their new job offered health insurance. i suppose if we hadn't married, they wouldn't have married anyone bc i'd be dead. idk marriage is an institution that i didn't want to choose and support, but i did out of necessity. no wedding, just married :D
actually super helpful video
Good video, poor audio quality