marrying someone out of convenience is the most traditional definition of marriage there is. marrying solely out of love is a new thing historically speaking
I like this especially because it aligns with the concept of it being for mutual benefit aka convenience, and apart from the safety aspect of Lavender Marriage.
I habe a friend who realized at about 30 that the man who was her friend since teenage years was the one she wanted to marry. Interesting how it happens at about that age.
my professor in college was in a double lavender marriage. He and his partner married a lesbian couple in order to hide persecution and still be able to live a pretty open lifestyle. They were all best friends and did everything together as a group, so even though you saw 2 men and 2 women together ,and they would admit they were married, you really had no idea what was really happening.
I feel like they’re confusing “lavender marriage” with “marriage of convenience” which is the straight version of the same thing and was basically every other marriage prior to 1970s.
A relative of mine made a lavender marriage with a friend in the 90s. He was from a country where being gay was dangerous but his refugee status was denied. His own family was going to kill him if he got sent back so my relative proposed a lavender marriage to get him citizenship. It worked and they had the most amicable divorce I've ever seen.
@@luxurypetscz they probably divorced becuz the dude was gay and he married a woman just to get a citizenship, thats why they probably divorced, becuz he got what he needed at the time i.e citizenship, once you got that there's simply no need to keep up the appearances of being married to someone he isn't romanticly attracted to, plus it's also implied in op's comment that the marriage happen out of a whim and desperation of the situation, there seemed to be no indication that this is a long term plan that they should keep up the marriage for the long term, thus the divorced happen, also maybe one of the dudes partner or maybe the woman whom he married into found a partner that may mind the "being married to someone" part, that aspect may hinder potential partners and dates, even though their marriage is "fake", so this could also be the reason for the divorce to happen, atleast that's how I understood op's implication on why the divorce happened, I could be wrong tho.
I don't think the term should be reappropriated to non-queer people. A marriage of convenience is very different than marrying someone to conceal and protect your sexual identity. One is to keep yourself safe and alive, the other saves you money on taxes.
Giving them a different label is like saying they’re directly different and possibly giving into a larger gap between gay and straight marriage. So while yes more words for clearer communication is good, lavender would be a word for ‘the gays’ and give less cover. In a bad political situation it can end up saving ‘gay marriages’
@@laddiebuggie8018 lavender is already a word "for the gays" though. from lavender marriages to the lavender menace. it's ours. appropriating that word feels like covering up queer history imo
@@frogcultleader1811 cover up? The next generation is taking a word they see work and using it. Bringing a new meaning to a word we used to use a specific way is how language evolves and how we got ‘ lavender’ in the first place. I will not be gatekeeping lavender from the new generation that wants it to be acceptable, in different meanings be damned, that’s just us being old! Language is made to be socially defined. Lavender is just a color by original definition.
@@laddiebuggie8018the next generation of straight people dude, not queer people, sorry to tell you this but queer people are still a minority to this day, many of us who are uncomfortable with using that term are gen z who are also queer, it’s not “gate keeping” it’s literally a minority group losing their history because of straight people, it’s not a “new generation” thing.
@@laddiebuggie8018 lavender marriages (and the word lavender) are historically significant to queer people, it's a term for a reason even though back then a LOT of people would marry for different reasons than love, it's not gatekeeping to acknowledge that the term "lavender marriage" has historical context
Definitely only knew Lavender Marriages as queer marriages of for safety and to “blend in”, I almost feel as though if people are seeking marriages of convenience that it should have a different term. Queer lavender marriages have a different connotation than marriages of convenience.
lavender marriage specifically refers to a marriage the protects queer people in their current culture, and not just for celebrities. whoever wrote that article saying otherwise is incorrect. there are platonic marriages, and marriages for benefits/money, but they aren't all lavender marriages
Yeah I feel like it isn’t right to call these lavender marriages. Especially when it’s referred to as convenience considering heterosexual people can just enter a regular marriage based on love for the same reason. They just need to find a romantic partner. So it’s not for safety and to disguise your true sexuality at all. Kinda rude to the people that have and still have to enter lavender marriages for safety.
This is a platonic marriage or marriage of convenience. "Lavender" is a wide-use term very near and dear to the queer community and shouldn't really be appropriated for another purpose (the Lavender Scare being a huge era of our history). There are other already existing terms to use.
When will we learn 😅 I'm officially done with the weaponized incompetence BS. It's been proven in multiple studies that single women live longer than married women, while married men live longer than single men. I'm tired of living a stereotype. Eff the manchild that used me as his mother for years and years.
I did this. My partner was not mature enough and took advantage of me/ my employment. We’re separated/divorcing and they are being so hateful despite getting to play video games for 8+ years while I worked supporting us both in anticipation of them finishing their degree/working toward their dream job (they had to settle for entry-level). It’s gotten pretty bad and they are saying a lot of gross/false things as they realize what they’re losing. Know your person. Set LEGALLY BINDING rules in case they change. Set written boundaries. Don’t get so comfortable with them just being a roommate in the end.
This is my concern. It's not an "easier" alternative to romantic marriage. You need to vet the person just as much, and even then, just like in romantic marriage, the other person can still let you down.
@@toniprekker Agreed, expectations with sexual satisfaction & romance, and being cheated on might be removed from the equation, but the hunt to find someone you still share the same views/ vision, values, & lifestyle will still be very essential
I understand wanting to get married for convenience or for financial reasons, but why are people trying to take away the very real QUEER history & connotation attached to Lavender Marriage, and trying to completely reinvent the term rather than just coming up with a new one? BTW, whether or not you're queer, it's not a LAVENDER marriage if you're solely getting married for any sort of convenience rather than for protection against queerphobia.
I've been in a lavendar marriage for 8 years. He's gay and I'm asexual. It was for practical reasons. We've had an aromantic relationship. He's always been able to date whoever he wants. It's been about emotional support. There is a real connection, platonic but a connection.
I am in the exact same place, even down to how long we've been married! It is the best thing that's ever happened to us and we love each other so deeply.
i'm 1000% for this but i'd also love to see gen z acknowledge that disabled people lose their benefits if they marry someone who makes enough to even pay half the bills. disability liberation now! marriage equality for all!
It depends. I know some people who still receive their disability benefits despite their partner making a lot of money but I know others who don't so there's probably other factors into that.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years we are not in a rush to get married bc we want to be able to have an actual wedding and cannot afford anything of the sort right now but I desperately need better insurance and he had wonderful benefits thru work so we are thinking of just doing it already so I can stop paying a large amount of money for the worlds worst insurance
@@beanmooI don’t know your situation obviously but in my mind I always have planned that if I was confident about marrying someone we’d just do it, and if we didn’t have the financial stability wed just save the wedding for however much later we need it to be. Granted it would be hard to keep this info from my immediate family
@@beanmooyou can always get the legal documents now and have the proper wedding later!! no need to rush a wedding if you aren’t ready for that, but getting the benefits it’s a good idea
Marriage being for love is a pretty modern concept. For most of history, it was more like a business agreement. So if you think about it that way, this isn't as radical as it seems
Only for the nobility and royalty was marriage a 'business arrangement' - & even there, marriage for love was considered the ideal (see the celebrated love of Phillip the Handsome to Juana the Mad). For the common man, marriage was for love, and the 'business' part of it was simply the expectation. There's medieval records, for example, of the Church's anger at commoners marrying each other outside of its officiation - getting married in pubs, or in front of large trees, since all you needed for marriage was consent & a witness. Not to mention the long history of commoners eloping. Among commoners, marriage for love was the norm.
@@thealmightyaku-4153a very western take on this. Most of history, marriages for the most part was indeed a convenience in the way it helped women get into a stable financial state considering education and jobs for them was not a common place thing. Patriarchy was an all-time high throughout history, only the very rich could afford to have a love marriage without pretense.
I like this idea i just wish people were calling it marriage of convenience instead of a lavender marriage, it heals icky to take a part of queer history and redefine it
I fully stumbled my way into this type of relationship. My partner and I met as roommates in residence during our second year of university and realized that we liked living together so we got an apartment together the next year. Over the next few years she has realizes that she's a lesbian (I'm not a woman) and I'm questioning whether I'm attracted to women but we are still living together. After 6 years of living together I started a bachelor of education program and was being presented with a lot of teaching opportunities that would require me to move. This led to both myself and my partner realizing that we have been building a life together and neither of us wants to live apart from each other. We don't feel any sexual or romantic attraction to each other, but we do love each other, and we are committed to building a life together.
If you don't know the term Queer Platonic Partnership (QPP) this is very much what you're describing. Wishing you the best, every kind of relationship is valid ❤
As an arospec individual myself, I love that someone with a platform is talking about aromanticism like it's a normal thing (because it is) and also the fact you know about it and mentioned it... Girl I could cry. I always feel so invisible in my own community and like my gayness will always overshadow my aromanticism when it comes to queerness. But really they are equal parts of me. Anyway thank you D'angelo for seeing us.
yeah sexuality and romantism is way too pushed into relationships. i hate when people assume i'm dating the person i'm just hanging out with. sometimes it makes things akward and i don't want them to be :( hold fast my friend we're gonna get some goddamn peace and quiet one day and no one's gonna erase our existences.
@@ysucae I think it's worse when the person plays along. It's really awkward to have some of my guy friends refer to me as "wife" or "girlfriend" as a joke. Maybe had I not had a guy do that years ago, I wouldn't be as bothered.
@@ysucae Yeah, being aro(spec) and allosexual (not asexual) I tend to feel even more invisible because even when aromanticism is brought up it's usually only aroaces who are centered. Which I'm glad they're getting conversations had, but we need them too yk? All aros not just some :o(
5:45 this is what my partner and i are doing! we don’t have proper terms for each other outside of partner and we like it that way. the affection we feel for each other is only platonic, but we still want to spend our lives together. it’s a sweet thing and we’re both happy that QPRs (queer-platonic relationships) are known online, because otherwise we never would’ve found a suitable label for us lol
What's described in the video and what you've described fit under a wider umbrella term "mariage blanc". Doesn't mean the reason is concealment, or convenience, just that the two people in the marriage aren't doing the do.
Lovender would be a good name for an app, its a play on the word lavender while also being pronounced "love - ender" implying being in a relationship without love.
I feel like we should have a different term for this, like 'convenient marriage' or 'platonic marriage' Or even 'emerald marriage' to go with the color naming scheme (emerald bc its a fancy green, and money is green)
Theres a spectrum to that tho too bc there will be people who want to hide it from their families but not everyone else and maybe they're born/assigned M&F but are both queer. I dont really see the heteros doing this either.
As an ACE, thank you so much. Just because I don’t want sex or don’t feel those impulses doesn’t mean I don’t want to be loved and cherished. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be someone’s first priority.
but wouldn't a "lavender marriage" be more of an aromantic thing though? I'm ace/aro spec and correct me if I'm wrong but a lot of asexuals get married out of love if they're not also aromantic
It upsets me how so many think ace just means you don’t want a relationship or love, people think sex and physical attraction is like the only way a relationship is genuine and it hurts
my 80 year old neighbors have been in a lavender marriage for about 40 years. No physical intimacy but just the absolute best of friends and love each other so much. EDIT: I have known them for over a decade and they shared this information with me
The consequence of the loss of stigma about lgbt. More important fish to fry for the LGBT community than “appropriation” of gay culture I would think! 😂
@@KS-gi9uvit’s not “appropriation” it’s just appropriation. when lgbt people are still having rights stripped, being killed, and are still considered ‘illegal’ in 70 countries, it’s important to remember queer history.
"has been appropriated" is pretty well said tbh. the concept is not bad but i wish people would make a new word for it rather than redefining an old one.
I can only imagine! As someone with multiple chronic illnesses including one that I used to have my husband get me to another state for twice a year surgery, and now is on my own… I fear the next few months where I doubt that I will be able to get the care I need. I definitely could see myself in a marriage like this! Especially after my last serious relationships have left me feeling pretty uncertain about trying again but I really want to have people to call family!
unfortunately in england your benifits are cut if you marry because they see your spouses income as yours and presume they will be your caregiver. marriage is a luxury for the disabled in uk.
What I find kinda funny about this is that it lays bear the crux of what the LGBTQ+ community was fighting for with the marriage debate. Married couples are afforded all kinds of benefits that people who are locked out of that institution have to find a way to live without. Also, outside of "the West TM" marriages for convenience or to combine familial wealth are super common. I know most people are only joking about doing this but I honestly wouldn't blame anybody for going through with one. Get you those tax breaks! Marriage is about a lot of things and love is only one option.
In the Uk there's marriage, but also civil partnership. Civil partnerships do not legally require there to be any sexual relationship, nor can you legally dissolve them on the grounds of sex outside the relationship. They're a quirk of our route to having same-sex marriage legalised, but they are still entered into by all sorts of people for all sorts of reasons. In the UK marriage and partnerships both come with responsibilities as well as rights, ones that last beyond separation, so think carefully through the long term implications beforehand.
I feel this so much. This aggressive pressure of romance has ruined a lot of ppl‘s lives it seems. And it is honestly really alienating as a woman if you‘re a person who wants to not be glued to another person for the rest of my life. I need space and privacy. And honestly, the way our society pretends that trad romance is the only option is depressing. I‘m more than someone‘s crush or potential partner. And the typical standard of a romantic relationship does not fit me at all. Getting disadvantaged for that while couples and married ppl get a big advantage feels utterly unfair. This isn‘t the 1800‘s anymore. A person should be able to live on their own. And being single doesn‘t have to be a temporary affair or mean you need to find a mate. I‘m tired of it. Romance feels like a delusional scam to me. Something shoe horned into everything cause ppl seemingly can‘t imagine the idea of not being practically glued to someone for the rest of your life. It‘s time that this bs stops being marketed as the only option.
100%! Trans guy here and I've always felt the same way about how aggressively sex and romantic relationships have been pushed on me. You explained it really well.
Im all about the love and romance but those are hard to find especially in the long-term. However I hate the idea of being stuck with someone I'm not attracted to because I'm out on my ass if I leave. I always tell every woman I know to always have their own resources in case they need to leave due to DV, sudden death of their spouse, discovery of infidelity, their spouse decides to up and leave them, etc
100% true. There is no medical or insurance fraud if you're married. I've been giving this advice to younger gay guys. My life would be destroyed without a double income. We've settled into a lavender arrangement after several years. The friendship is the most important.
I don't know about that, what do you think of the people who get married just because one of them needs a visa, but they're not really in a relationship? I'm not opposed to them, but the laws in all the countries I've checked (I've lived in several places and considered it at some point) it is not actually considered legal and the foreign person gets deported if they are discovered not to be in a relationship. In this case, because it's a new thing, there might be a loophole where it's not specified that it's illegal, but I think if people start doing it more there might be new laws coming and people might have to prove somehow that they're really in love and a real couple.
@latronqui how would they enforce proving people are in love though? That makes no sense. Like they can just lie. Love isn’t a requirement for marriage. Think about how many people participate in arranged marriages that are built on convenience and meeting a checklist of wants/needs. The pushback against this is dumb
I'm a bit mixed on taking specific terminology used for queer safety and making it more generalized, but marriages of convenience where everybody feels respected are a great thing in my book! Nothing about marriage necessarily has to include love. It's a legal partnership and doesn't have to be anything more or less than that. Personally, I'd love to be affectionate with whoever I'm married to while giving them the freedom to explore other options. Exclusivity and kids aren't a priority for me, but companionship and supporting each other definitely is.
Counterpoint: Queer Marriage is legal now (at least in the US), so the term is just sitting there, in need of a purpose. Why not repurpose it for everyone? (besides the obvious answer that this is a side-effect of late-stage capitalism, and we should be fighting for a thriving wage, and affordable housing and healthcare, rather than giving rose colored language to what is essentially a poverty enforced roomate scenario).
@@ajplays-gamesandmusic4568 Lavender is a color used to symbolize queerness. Real lavender marriages still exist in the world. Please don't justify the watering down of our language just so you can include straight people. Use a different term.
@@ajplays-gamesandmusic4568Just cause it's legal doesn't mean that people aren't still getting in lavender marriages in the US to hide from hateful family or just because they don't feel safe being out of the closet. This just tells me how little straight people really care about learning about queer people.
I hear what you're saying, but legality isn't always the be all, end all, and the US isn't the only place with a strong culture of lavender marriages. There are still many places in the US where homophobia is deeply entrenched and will get you thrown out of your community, still many people who can't or won't come out of the closet and still have need of these pretenses even if they seem archaic. Not to mention places where marriage equality is still a right we don't have. I'd gently ask you to broaden your perspective on why this is still a problem and a need that isn't being met, setting aside the issue of capitalism.
"Marriage of convience" is already a term. This is not a lavender marriage. I feel like a lot of people would get why this is uncomfortable, this is still a thing. People still get married just to stay in the closet.
I can see a benefit to it if it’s with someone you already know and absolutely trust, but I wouldn’t do the “advertise for a stranger” thing. Marriage does give benefits, but it also gives the spouse rights. And in the example of the TikToker, he wants someone to help pay “his” mortgage. He doesn’t seem to be considering that the woman would own the property too, and what that would mean for both of them. If he wants to retain sole ownership of the property, he doesn’t want a spouse, he wants a tenant.
I think it is an interesting prospect, but for disabled people in the US, it actually makes things a million times worse. legally marrying means you forfeit your benefits, health coverage, etc. because your spouse is then considered your caretaker. you retain none of your assets, which not only worsens the struggle on the couple but also removes any independence or ability to get away from the disabled individual. it's fucked
8:10 😂 Two straight women could definitely be a happily married couple… especially two older ones. Fifty-yr-old roommates taking trips and only cooking when they feel like it 🤔 Two straight single fathers could legit raise some happy kids together as well; it would be convenient 🤷🏽♀️
This is more or less how my wife and I met. She made a joke post on tumblr asking if anyone wanted to marry her so she could buy a house with dual income, I joke applied, we started chatting, then fell in love... been married 2.5 years now, never imagined I could be this happy. 3:19
6:49 i feel u on that so much, i hate physical touch so much in any non-romantic context. like i don't even like hugging my family members or friends tbh
if it wasn't for the fact that I'm disabled, I would consider this. The issue with being disabled is that they take away a huge chunk of disability services for people who get married, making it wiser to just stay single.
It makes me so sad. My little sister is on disability and would like to marry her partner, but she'd lose her health insurance if she did, which would probably kill her.
I know, it sucks that we don't have marriage equality. I'm disabled and got married because it made sense for other reasons, but the lost income from Disability is hard.
I don’t understand how this is a thing. What if both people are disabled? Are they expected to just suffer?? This should’ve never been a thing to begin with..
@@KingOfGaymes In someone on SSI (Disability payments. Sorry I don't know what country you're in) your spouse has to be really low income. Anyone working full-time for minimum wage would make too much, but if both spouses are on Disability the combined income is low enough that you can both keep getting payments. Hope that makes sense.
Where I live if you are both on disability income assistance then the amount you receive is reduced, despite the combined amount not being enough to afford rent and food. Most in relationships lie to the government about their relationship status and are technically common-law, just hoping they don’t get caught.
As long as people are signing up good prenups, this makes 100% sense as society is built around civil unions. So many things are easier for married people: dual income, healthcare, legal family ties, etc. Im STRUGGLING as a single woman, not bec. I feel lonely (I love hanging out with my loved ones) but bec. legally* adulting on my own is hard af.
As a single woman closing on a house in three weeks (which would absolutely NOT be happening without my parents help), I couldn't agree more. Forget the money for a second, just the process itself is mentally taxing. But make no mistake; it's the MONEY!!!!!!!!!! My stomach wouldn't be in complete knots if I had someone to share the financial burden with. Hell, even 30% would be helpful.
i would have a lavender marriage WITH A FRIEND. like, one of my friends is practically my sister, but if we're both like 35 and struggling to survive I'd marry her no second thoughts.
Yesssss. My BFF and I agreed that if anything ever changes in our marriages, we're going to just blend our families together by marriage. Our children are already friends. Forget dating again. We'll go straight to being one big family.
I feel like as usual, disability is being collosally underrepresented in this conversation. As a severely disabled person myself, irregardless of doing it for love or convenience i would never want to get married as it would take away my income. Largely increacing the chance of ending up in an abusive relationship, which is already more likely when you are disabled and literally permanently physically and financially dependent on other people.
People entertaining these ideas because that's how bloody dystopian the world is becoming... It's great but at the same time, learning to adapt to the kind of social injustice of only having enough to meet your most basic needs even though you have a full time job just demonstrates that most people are now wage slaves... Have your lavender marriage all you want but at the same time? Don't forget we are in desperate need of real systemic change.
@@ball5942yes! How can someone seriously write "living in the same place and even sleeping in the same bed without having sex" in this context and call it "lavender marriage" or "an inflationship". There already is a word for it and it's simple - poverty. Can't believe even D'Angelo didn't react to that part more.
@@ettaz omg i can't believe i didn't even think of this you're so right. i'm no fanboy but i think we can safely assume since it's D'angelo it was more of an oversight
Referring to this as dystopia seems short-sighted to me. When you look at earlier descriptions of the purpose of marriage one phrase that comes up is "helpmate". The idea being expressed there is that there is value in two people just helping each other make their way through the world. Absolutely no one lives without the assistance of others. And not all of that assistance is transactional or disinterested.
Me and my queer platonic partner have been together for years now, and we have discussed getting married and having kids and a house together. It confuses other people because we look and act like a romantic couple, but we're not. And we like it that way
10:19 NA THIS FOR REAL. i told my husband right off the bat that i dont want kids. You're gonna have to be okay with this, and if you're not, tell me right now
There's a misconception about taxes. There's no benefit if both people are working. All it does is combine your income and standard deduction. The scenario where it is a tax break is when there's a stay-at-home spouse. Also zero benefits for parents who are married. You get $2k for having a kid no matter what.
It's actually currently Asexual Awareness Week (last full week of october). And it fits so well - in multiple ways - that you include and talk about asexual [and aromantic, though that's two different things, which I wanna make very clear here!] people. Thanks for casually mentioning us and making us feel just as normal like everyone else. ----------------------------------------------------------- Small addition, for Awareness Week: - Asexuality is a spectrum - Asexuality is about the attraction part, not the action! (Like, a hetero person could sleep with a person of the same gender even though they're not attracted. Attraction =/= Action) - There are subgenres. The most known are: > Greysexual - where you experience sexual attraction to a very small or varying degree - and > Demisexual where you experience little to no sexual attraction, but you may when you establish a very deep emotional connection (not you usual "I first wanna get to know the person"). - Asexuality and Aromanticism are two different things. One is about who you are (could be) sexually attracted to, the other is about who you (could) fall in love with. > For example: One could be sexually attracted to men, but fall in love with any gender. Or sexually attracted to no gender, but fall in love with men. Or sexually attracted to any gender, but only fall in love with women Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk -----------------------------------------------------------
@@vee8647 I'm ace, not demi, but as far as I've heard from a demi friend of mine, being demi is essentially being asexual until you build that emotional bond with someone and then it's like a flipped switch. They often weren't sure if they were demi or fully ace but then when they formed a close connection to their partner, it confirmed they were demi because they were now sexually attracted to them. As for "I wanna know them first" I assume it's more like, while you find them sexually attractive, you want to know that they're the kind of person you want to be with before you sleep with them. I think the main difference is demisexual people feel no sexual attraction until a deeper connection/bond is formed, whereas the "I wanna know them first" crowd can still feel that attraction, they just don't want to act on it until they know that person is the right one for them. I hope I explained that well and clearly!😅
@@Demonocityy I think the marriage part is a way to attempt to get past the negatives that come with certain roommate situations. Like I lived with 7 other roommates before and it had good times with the right people but due to switches and people moving out and in, I eventually got stuck with an absolute dickhead of a guy. So glad I'm not there anymore.
@@DavidJones-ot8quThe marriage would only be with one person for life, not a revolving door of potentially bad people. I was in that same situation once, and that's why I don't have roommates anymore.
I've thought about marrying my best friend, as somebody who is also aro ace. i just don't know if I could do it. I have this thing about how I like people in my space, and I consider my house my space. 😅 i think I'm a little bit of a catch-22 I don't think I could ever ask somebody to do that.
I am a product of a relationship like this! Until my dad passed away at 18, my parents were the only ones still happily together out of anyone I knew 😂 They were married for 33 years and were definiely life partners, they just didn't have a sexual relationship. My mom is lesbian and my dad was probably grey ace, although this was before that was really part of the public consciousness.
do not do this if youre both disabled, being married nerfs your income and you gotta pay for earnings you receive past a certain amount. otherwise the "monogamy? in this economy?" meme is rattling around my brain rn.
I mean the idea of marriage as an economic process and strategy has been around longer than the idea of romantic/ loved base marriages. In the past it was rare that people would fall in love before marriage and married because of it. We just basically live in a SIMS like world, which your channel sort of covers
I totally get why this has appeal and it has benefits like getting health insurance and stuff but my brain just keeps coming back to "they invented.... roommates" lol
Married couples get a great deal of financial incentives and benefits that being a roommate doesn't offer. Insurance being the most immediate and obvious example.
I'm a millennial queer. Me, my friends, and family have been doing this for years. Relationship anarchy, basically. It's very true, though, that no relationship is immune from heartache, sometimes in the most unexpected ways. Deep, thorough communication is vital to keeping any relationship healthy, and that's something a lot of people find very challenging.
This sounds ideal. Granted, I’m ace-questioning so maybe that’s why, but I just feel like the main point of marriage is stability and marrying a friend seems like it would be way more stable and functional than any romantic relationship
Two things: 1. Definitely feels weird that the term Lavender Marriages has been un-queer-ed to mean "marriage for convenience." It was a huge part of queer history and for it to be quietly turned over is uncomfortable to me. 2. The flexibility of relationships honestly is what drew me to poly relationships. Some relationships are romance heavy, others are not, some are sex heavy, some are not, some are literally just partners in life. Of course there's a LOT of communication going on to make it all work and to ensure nobody's feelings are hurt, but when it works, damn does it work.
as a single person who hasn't left their house since last Saturday, I actually think this is what I don't want. Being childfree and single at my age the benefits is having physical space, flexibility, having no boundaries or people to consider in my decisions. If it came down to health insurance, I'd find a different job. If it came down to a house, I'm okay with renting or relocating rather than having a roommate. Love is literally the only thing that I would make me reconsider these values.
I love being childfree and single too, but if I can get out of renting a room in my parent's crazy house, I would take it in a heartbeat. I mean, i'm glad you have the money to live how you like, but some of us are in bad situations we financially can never escape from without help.
@@GummyDinosaursify This! I too love being childfree and single. I also live in a car. It works for me and I'm great at it after years of experience so I'm pretty content, but the fact remains that I shouldn't have to settle for it as my best option lol. And I benefit from a specific set of privileges and needs that happen to be compatible with it; not everyone has this option at all.
I appreciate you pointing out that aspec people can be in relationships too. I'm asexual and my best friend is aromantic, and she and I both have partners - our relationships are just very different :)
I’m scared that this is my future. Sure, lavender marriages sound great when it’s just an option. I crave romance and connection in a traditional sense but I just can’t. It’s hard to explain but imagine being born blind and wanting to see the world but not even knowing what “sight” is or what it feels like to open your eyes.
To your point about lack of aro/ace representation in media, I've found myself troubled by media several times because it starts off with the very explicit premise of a character that doesn't really "get" any of the pop culture representations of love, then goes on to present it as something like "the moment they met the right person, all the love songs suddenly made sense." When what I really wanted to see was that character having to deal with wanting to be in a relationship with someone despite NOT really having the same kind of feelings shown in pop culture. That's one of several reasons I couldn't keep following Bloom Into You.
Wow you've articulated something that I couldn't put my finger on. You're right! I think sometimes I get into a show or book that has a character that 'doesnt get love' and I hope that the author would deconstruct or explore more on this! But inevitably it always jumps into the whole 'oh I just had to wait for my fated person' deal and I get a bit sad. It's not as if I don't like these types of characters but I wish aro/ace-ness is explored a whole lot more in entertainment in general.
I feel like Bloom Into You has amazing a-spec representation, though if you were solely expecting an aroace protagonist, then I could understand why you wouldn’t want to follow through to the end. Personally, I feel the show has done wonders for me-introducing me to a rather nuanced view of romance and relationships that other, more mainstream romance media hasn’t-and it helped me discover that I wasn’t just a lonely alloromantic person who had been longing for love, and actually somewhere in between. There’s actually a seen in both the manga and anime that explicitly makes it clear that Yuu isn’t aroace unlike Maki who is, and more so that Yuu is somewhere in between-which I took it to be as demiromantic, given her conflicting feelings of longing for romance but not yet feeling as though she’s fallen in love despite having found ‘the one’.
@@slurmophidalfellatroskob Oh sure, I'll fully accept that it has value in other ways and that this (and the other issues I had with it) are all more personal pet peeves than actual storytelling problems. It's just the biggest example that sticks out in my memory.
Speaking of Bloom Into You, things start making even LESS sense for Yuu once Touko confesses to her. She hasn't "magically figured out everything" the moment she met a cute girl, and she struggles with her feelings a lot for quite a while. She's most likely a demiromantic sapphic who would've originally assumed she was aroace at the beginning of the story if she had known of this label, and that's a valuable journey as well. But I get the disappointment if you expected her to represent an aroace experience down to the very end.
as an aroace person who never understood the difference between platonic and romantic feelings, I always imagined marriage was basically having a bestie and roommate in one that works out financially for both (or more if you have the social battery for polyamory) parties involved.
Not getting married, but this is essentially what my friend and I are kind of planning on doing starting next year. Because like, LA is impossible to living in under a single income. She is Ace/Aro and I’m open to the idea of finding a romantic partner to share my life with in the future, but also don’t feel like I need to settle and don’t want to actively go on dating apps.
d'angelo notices that you're Not Like The Other Girls and invites you backstage to chat to him... the next day your mother informs you that she's selling you to the highest bidder and you'll never guess who shows up at the door 🫢❤
i think its actually SO disappointing that it has to come to this, like there are so many things that are so sad about this, BUT.... i totally get it and would do this if i was single bc yeah, the housing market is impossible and the dating pool seems impossible. i just think the fact that we even gotta think like this is so sad and so reflective of the times.
Okay but marrying someone for financial reasons and then realizing you have feelings for them and freaking out is exactly the sort of thing that would happen to me.
As a Native American & disabled person I NEVER want to get married for any other reason than tax benefits 🤷♀️ but it’s still not worth it when you’re disabled. Their is so such thing as equal marriage when disabled people get their money and benefits taken away the second they get married
7:50 no sir you’re a genius. I’ve never done any online dating. But I’m thinking of joining more groups and meeting people just to get out of my little bubble. If I need to post a profile pic that’s what I’m doing. Find and okay photo that’s perfect😂
I think it's more adaptability to situations we can't change. We're not going to see the house prices go down until the boomers/gen X start to die off, so this is the best temporary solution.
Ah yes the local pols who are encouraging sweeping changes to tax law to benefit “childless” people disabled ppl and queer people. Historically represented groups 💜
I can see women marrying other women, who aren't apart of LGBT for this reason. So many women pick up domestic/ emotional workload of men in relationships, being another woman can ease that.
I find the concept interesting. 'Boston Marriages' used to be a thing quite some time ago. I think people have to do what works best for them and what makes them happy. To me happiness is really the goal. I've seen some arguments in favor of this and my opinion on it is that I wouldn't rule it out personally for myself. There was a growing gap when I did date of being spoken at and not with. I came to the conclusion then that I just enjoyed life more when I wasn't dating or in a relationship. I always thought that the right relationship would be kind of easier and not like a third shift job that I had to show up for. 🍵 This for me is an interesting concept for several reasons. I like the idea of being around someone that wants to have an actual conversation with me. I love the idea of being part of a power couple that works together to attain goals and shares our levels of intelligence and life experience to get there. And I like the concept of having someone to celebrate with when we attain those goals.
Although I completely understand the reasoning and have considered it myself. Hearing people calling it "Lavender Marriage" when they're purely getting married for financial reasons and not safety ones feels disgusting. For example, if someone said, "I'm bringing back slavery," when what they mean is they're willing to work physical labor without pay. There's words for what these people are describing, and this one is not the one. I'm most likely just overreacting, but it's a gut feeling and difficult to get rid of or ignore. Just ew 😅
gen z continuing their trend of using words and phrases wrong and "discovering" things that have always existed because they don't know anything that happened before 2009
i feel that there should be a different term than 'lavendar marriage' to describe these relationships, because that term is specific to queer history, and i feel that appropriating it would be disrespectful.
Omg aro here, hi, I'm so excited!? I don't usually see ppl talk abt these kind of "in-between" type relationships, we feel so focused as a society on putting relationships in boxes with what is more accepted or not, so often it feels like the only options are either strict friendship or a sexual/ romantic relationship with nothing left in between... Neways, so this is a pretty neat thing to hear about, and also yeah, just really wish ppl treated them more normally
Correct me if I’m wrong but I was always under the assumption that marriage was originally a practice meant for financial gain back from early human civilization and that the marrying for love thing was fairly recent
I can't wait for the all so inconvenient lavender divorce when you decide your besty isnt a good fit or if you want to actually marry someone you love. I had a divorce and we were not fighting over anything and just wanted to end it, and it was still a big pain to finalize, what if 1 friend decides to go the a hole route it will not be worth it
I would ABSOLUTELY marry someone for convenience in this economy and have thought about doing so for years. It would be nice to have someone around without all that... extra stuff that is so important in heteronormative relationships.
Ive struggled for my first decade of adulthood and literally experienced homelessness. I would absolutely participate in a Lavender Marriage if it meant being able to finally achieve a comfortable living situation.
marrying someone out of convenience is the most traditional definition of marriage there is. marrying solely out of love is a new thing historically speaking
I don't think traditional marriage was that nice for women though...
@@nehalilisaysit was if it was the only option for survival I guess…
@@nehalilisays only because women had no rights and were therefore men's property. it wasnt the institution itself.
Wouldn't call business and survival convenience but aight
@@rruysch now both sides are broke and circle back to the idea that it's easier to survive together than alone. Kind of poetic.
I second the term "Sage marriage", it is green like those US dollars, but muted like lavender.
Ohhh definitely love the name! This needs to blow tf up
I like this especially because it aligns with the concept of it being for mutual benefit aka convenience, and apart from the safety aspect of Lavender Marriage.
marriage of convenience is already a term
@@disgustof-riley I am aware because I'm not 16. But if they want a tiktok friendly thing to call it then there can be others.
@@disgustof-riley MOC to be exact....
Reminds me of the “if we haven’t found anyone by 30 let’s just get married” type vibe
OMG I forgot about all these pacts I made!! Wtf I have some people I need to get ahold of asap. Lord what's my MySpace login...
me and my best friend always say this lol, its impossible these days
@@nunulol61same lol I will pack and leave the state to move in with her
I habe a friend who realized at about 30 that the man who was her friend since teenage years was the one she wanted to marry. Interesting how it happens at about that age.
I had a deal like that but he got married 😂
my professor in college was in a double lavender marriage. He and his partner married a lesbian couple in order to hide persecution and still be able to live a pretty open lifestyle. They were all best friends and did everything together as a group, so even though you saw 2 men and 2 women together ,and they would admit they were married, you really had no idea what was really happening.
Yes! What a loop hole!!
@@ambermariestewart It's the best worst option... or the worst best option? That sounded smarter before it left my head...
Sounds just like the book The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid
That’s an amazing solution actually!
Omg this actually sounds really cool. And then all four of them could live together and be like their own little world 🎉
I feel like they’re confusing “lavender marriage” with “marriage of convenience” which is the straight version of the same thing and was basically every other marriage prior to 1970s.
A relative of mine made a lavender marriage with a friend in the 90s. He was from a country where being gay was dangerous but his refugee status was denied. His own family was going to kill him if he got sent back so my relative proposed a lavender marriage to get him citizenship. It worked and they had the most amicable divorce I've ever seen.
Sounds like a lot of time has passed but be careful about how/who you tell this story because that could also be construed as immigration fraud
They should make a movie about them! Are they still friends? Why did they get divorced? Is he safe to be out now? So many questions!!!
Please don’t divulge any more info about your relative! The ex’s citizenship could be revoked. Slim chance, but not impossible.
@meizhou9279 oh that's actually a way better comment, ignore mine, I'll make up the rest of the story
@@luxurypetscz they probably divorced becuz the dude was gay and he married a woman just to get a citizenship, thats why they probably divorced, becuz he got what he needed at the time i.e citizenship, once you got that there's simply no need to keep up the appearances of being married to someone he isn't romanticly attracted to, plus it's also implied in op's comment that the marriage happen out of a whim and desperation of the situation, there seemed to be no indication that this is a long term plan that they should keep up the marriage for the long term, thus the divorced happen, also maybe one of the dudes partner or maybe the woman whom he married into found a partner that may mind the "being married to someone" part, that aspect may hinder potential partners and dates, even though their marriage is "fake", so this could also be the reason for the divorce to happen, atleast that's how I understood op's implication on why the divorce happened, I could be wrong tho.
I don't think the term should be reappropriated to non-queer people. A marriage of convenience is very different than marrying someone to conceal and protect your sexual identity. One is to keep yourself safe and alive, the other saves you money on taxes.
Giving them a different label is like saying they’re directly different and possibly giving into a larger gap between gay and straight marriage. So while yes more words for clearer communication is good, lavender would be a word for ‘the gays’ and give less cover. In a bad political situation it can end up saving ‘gay marriages’
@@laddiebuggie8018 lavender is already a word "for the gays" though. from lavender marriages to the lavender menace. it's ours. appropriating that word feels like covering up queer history imo
@@frogcultleader1811 cover up? The next generation is taking a word they see work and using it. Bringing a new meaning to a word we used to use a specific way is how language evolves and how we got ‘ lavender’ in the first place. I will not be gatekeeping lavender from the new generation that wants it to be acceptable, in different meanings be damned, that’s just us being old! Language is made to be socially defined. Lavender is just a color by original definition.
@@laddiebuggie8018the next generation of straight people dude, not queer people, sorry to tell you this but queer people are still a minority to this day, many of us who are uncomfortable with using that term are gen z who are also queer, it’s not “gate keeping” it’s literally a minority group losing their history because of straight people, it’s not a “new generation” thing.
@@laddiebuggie8018 lavender marriages (and the word lavender) are historically significant to queer people, it's a term for a reason even though back then a LOT of people would marry for different reasons than love, it's not gatekeeping to acknowledge that the term "lavender marriage" has historical context
Definitely only knew Lavender Marriages as queer marriages of for safety and to “blend in”, I almost feel as though if people are seeking marriages of convenience that it should have a different term. Queer lavender marriages have a different connotation than marriages of convenience.
yeah, but if it's anything straight/cis people are good at, its stealing queer words
lavender marriage specifically refers to a marriage the protects queer people in their current culture, and not just for celebrities. whoever wrote that article saying otherwise is incorrect. there are platonic marriages, and marriages for benefits/money, but they aren't all lavender marriages
Yeah I feel like it isn’t right to call these lavender marriages. Especially when it’s referred to as convenience considering heterosexual people can just enter a regular marriage based on love for the same reason. They just need to find a romantic partner. So it’s not for safety and to disguise your true sexuality at all. Kinda rude to the people that have and still have to enter lavender marriages for safety.
especially since the color lavender has been associated with the LGBT community
I always considered it a marriage of convenience.
This is a platonic marriage or marriage of convenience. "Lavender" is a wide-use term very near and dear to the queer community and shouldn't really be appropriated for another purpose (the Lavender Scare being a huge era of our history). There are other already existing terms to use.
0:43 “would you marry somebody you didn’t love just to make your life easier?” men have been doing this for centuries
Men and women alike have been doing this for centuries
Literally lol
💯
When will we learn 😅 I'm officially done with the weaponized incompetence BS. It's been proven in multiple studies that single women live longer than married women, while married men live longer than single men. I'm tired of living a stereotype. Eff the manchild that used me as his mother for years and years.
So have women….to survive
I did this. My partner was not mature enough and took advantage of me/ my employment.
We’re separated/divorcing and they are being so hateful despite getting to play video games for 8+ years while I worked supporting us both in anticipation of them finishing their degree/working toward their dream job (they had to settle for entry-level).
It’s gotten pretty bad and they are saying a lot of gross/false things as they realize what they’re losing.
Know your person.
Set LEGALLY BINDING rules in case they change.
Set written boundaries.
Don’t get so comfortable with them just being a roommate in the end.
Good advice. Sry you went through that
This is my concern. It's not an "easier" alternative to romantic marriage. You need to vet the person just as much, and even then, just like in romantic marriage, the other person can still let you down.
@@toniprekker Agreed, expectations with sexual satisfaction & romance, and being cheated on might be removed from the equation, but the hunt to find someone you still share the same views/ vision, values, & lifestyle will still be very essential
@@deniveave4612Exactly, It's less risky but at the end of the day, I wouldn't want a horrible person even as a roommate...PRENUP👏PRENUP👏
Sounds like my ex
I understand wanting to get married for convenience or for financial reasons, but why are people trying to take away the very real QUEER history & connotation attached to Lavender Marriage, and trying to completely reinvent the term rather than just coming up with a new one?
BTW, whether or not you're queer, it's not a LAVENDER marriage if you're solely getting married for any sort of convenience rather than for protection against queerphobia.
Period
I've been in a lavendar marriage for 8 years. He's gay and I'm asexual. It was for practical reasons. We've had an aromantic relationship. He's always been able to date whoever he wants. It's been about emotional support. There is a real connection, platonic but a connection.
That sounds beautiful! I’m glad you found a good one 😊
Aw how lovely, good for you guys :)
I am in the exact same place, even down to how long we've been married! It is the best thing that's ever happened to us and we love each other so deeply.
:,) thats so sweet
so happy for you :)
i'm 1000% for this but i'd also love to see gen z acknowledge that disabled people lose their benefits if they marry someone who makes enough to even pay half the bills. disability liberation now! marriage equality for all!
THIS.
This too
Spread it far and wide people! Disabled folks already struggle enough as is, and we’re only one incident away from becoming disabled ourselves
It depends. I know some people who still receive their disability benefits despite their partner making a lot of money but I know others who don't so there's probably other factors into that.
Why are people calling marriages of convenience Lavender marriages... like get a different term for it tf
I married someone for insurance purposes. He needed surgery and I didn’t really care. He’s a nice guy and I enjoy hanging out with him
I totally get it! I'm glad you can help each other out.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years we are not in a rush to get married bc we want to be able to have an actual wedding and cannot afford anything of the sort right now but I desperately need better insurance and he had wonderful benefits thru work so we are thinking of just doing it already so I can stop paying a large amount of money for the worlds worst insurance
@@beanmooI don’t know your situation obviously but in my mind I always have planned that if I was confident about marrying someone we’d just do it, and if we didn’t have the financial stability wed just save the wedding for however much later we need it to be. Granted it would be hard to keep this info from my immediate family
@@beanmooyou can always get the legal documents now and have the proper wedding later!! no need to rush a wedding if you aren’t ready for that, but getting the benefits it’s a good idea
Definitely do it! The ceremony is the marriage part anyways!! (As long as you do a prenup)@beanmoo
Let's call them what they are: survivalships
😂👌🏾
😭😭😭For real.
Lavender is just too pretty we need to go back to basics 😭
@@GuyunZhongli-ow4ti red marriage
That's raw af
Marriage being for love is a pretty modern concept. For most of history, it was more like a business agreement. So if you think about it that way, this isn't as radical as it seems
Coming to the comments to say the same thing.
It still is
Only for the nobility and royalty was marriage a 'business arrangement' - & even there, marriage for love was considered the ideal (see the celebrated love of Phillip the Handsome to Juana the Mad).
For the common man, marriage was for love, and the 'business' part of it was simply the expectation. There's medieval records, for example, of the Church's anger at commoners marrying each other outside of its officiation - getting married in pubs, or in front of large trees, since all you needed for marriage was consent & a witness. Not to mention the long history of commoners eloping.
Among commoners, marriage for love was the norm.
Except part of that business agreement was having children together, and it probably wasn't cool for both parties to sleep around.
@@thealmightyaku-4153a very western take on this. Most of history, marriages for the most part was indeed a convenience in the way it helped women get into a stable financial state considering education and jobs for them was not a common place thing. Patriarchy was an all-time high throughout history, only the very rich could afford to have a love marriage without pretense.
I like this idea i just wish people were calling it marriage of convenience instead of a lavender marriage, it heals icky to take a part of queer history and redefine it
i feel like this isn't a radical concept for most women bc historically we have been made to marry out of convenience anyway
Are… are they just describing a marriage of convenience and calling it a lavender marriage?
Yes
i think the person in the original video was queer though so it was partially correct then as tiktok does it trended and lost meaning
And/or just literally living with a friend
@@TheyreAMess that makes a lot more sense
lavender marriage sounds cooler though
I fully stumbled my way into this type of relationship. My partner and I met as roommates in residence during our second year of university and realized that we liked living together so we got an apartment together the next year. Over the next few years she has realizes that she's a lesbian (I'm not a woman) and I'm questioning whether I'm attracted to women but we are still living together. After 6 years of living together I started a bachelor of education program and was being presented with a lot of teaching opportunities that would require me to move. This led to both myself and my partner realizing that we have been building a life together and neither of us wants to live apart from each other. We don't feel any sexual or romantic attraction to each other, but we do love each other, and we are committed to building a life together.
That is so damn cute! I wish all the happiness in the world for you both!
If you don't know the term Queer Platonic Partnership (QPP) this is very much what you're describing.
Wishing you the best, every kind of relationship is valid ❤
I love this ❤❤
This is so cute and i wish yall nothing but the best❤
That is so lovely, i hope you and your partner have a great life together
As an arospec individual myself, I love that someone with a platform is talking about aromanticism like it's a normal thing (because it is) and also the fact you know about it and mentioned it... Girl I could cry. I always feel so invisible in my own community and like my gayness will always overshadow my aromanticism when it comes to queerness. But really they are equal parts of me. Anyway thank you D'angelo for seeing us.
yeah sexuality and romantism is way too pushed into relationships. i hate when people assume i'm dating the person i'm just hanging out with. sometimes it makes things akward and i don't want them to be :(
hold fast my friend we're gonna get some goddamn peace and quiet one day and no one's gonna erase our existences.
@@ysucae I think it's worse when the person plays along. It's really awkward to have some of my guy friends refer to me as "wife" or "girlfriend" as a joke. Maybe had I not had a guy do that years ago, I wouldn't be as bothered.
@@ysucae Yeah, being aro(spec) and allosexual (not asexual) I tend to feel even more invisible because even when aromanticism is brought up it's usually only aroaces who are centered. Which I'm glad they're getting conversations had, but we need them too yk? All aros not just some :o(
omg same i love that he brought this up and talked about it
5:45 this is what my partner and i are doing! we don’t have proper terms for each other outside of partner and we like it that way. the affection we feel for each other is only platonic, but we still want to spend our lives together. it’s a sweet thing and we’re both happy that QPRs (queer-platonic relationships) are known online, because otherwise we never would’ve found a suitable label for us lol
What's described in the video and what you've described fit under a wider umbrella term "mariage blanc". Doesn't mean the reason is concealment, or convenience, just that the two people in the marriage aren't doing the do.
Lovender would be a good name for an app, its a play on the word lavender while also being pronounced "love - ender" implying being in a relationship without love.
There’s definitely still love between the people involved, just not romantic type love
I feel like we should have a different term for this, like 'convenient marriage' or 'platonic marriage'
Or even 'emerald marriage' to go with the color naming scheme (emerald bc its a fancy green, and money is green)
All lavender marriages are marriages of convenience, but not all marriages of convenience are lavender
i actually love this name
I love the emerald idea.
Theres a spectrum to that tho too bc there will be people who want to hide it from their families but not everyone else and maybe they're born/assigned M&F but are both queer. I dont really see the heteros doing this either.
sage marriage? Since lavender is a muted color
As an ACE, thank you so much. Just because I don’t want sex or don’t feel those impulses doesn’t mean I don’t want to be loved and cherished. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be someone’s first priority.
So true
real
but wouldn't a "lavender marriage" be more of an aromantic thing though? I'm ace/aro spec and correct me if I'm wrong but a lot of asexuals get married out of love if they're not also aromantic
No it wouldnt be@@worstusernameintheworld9871
It upsets me how so many think ace just means you don’t want a relationship or love, people think sex and physical attraction is like the only way a relationship is genuine and it hurts
my 80 year old neighbors have been in a lavender marriage for about 40 years. No physical intimacy but just the absolute best of friends and love each other so much.
EDIT: I have known them for over a decade and they shared this information with me
Goals ❤
Wow! Is one or both of them gay? How do you know it's a lavender marriage?
Are you sure they're not intimate because of their age?
@@sierramelody3886
You do not want to hear about what goes on in retirement homes
Living the dream 😭
Lavender marriage in 2024 should be called an inflationship
I don't like that straight people are trying to redefine lavender marriage...
Just call it what it is. Settling or seeking a roommate.😂
The consequence of the loss of stigma about lgbt. More important fish to fry for the LGBT community than “appropriation” of gay culture I would think! 😂
I was in the trenches when straight swifties tried to gaslight others saying it's just a color, when Taylor released a song called Lavender Haze.
@@KS-gi9uvit’s not “appropriation” it’s just appropriation. when lgbt people are still having rights stripped, being killed, and are still considered ‘illegal’ in 70 countries, it’s important to remember queer history.
@ that fact is precisely why I think this is a silly thing to get hung up on or create tension between people over.
"has been appropriated" is pretty well said tbh. the concept is not bad but i wish people would make a new word for it rather than redefining an old one.
Yeah cuz eventually down the game of telephone they will start correcting people kinda like those goofs that thought Johnny Cash wrote hurt
Especially one so steeped in the history of a community that has to fight to be remembered as it is.
Why do you need a word instead kf fixing the old one?
@@isminiunhinged "fixin", eh? kinda a sus way to put it. 🤨
In the age of the shitty reboot it's not surprising
Lav marriages have legit saved the lives of ppl with chronic illnesses who can't keep up with a job and so lack health insurance.
I can only imagine! As someone with multiple chronic illnesses including one that I used to have my husband get me to another state for twice a year surgery, and now is on my own… I fear the next few months where I doubt that I will be able to get the care I need. I definitely could see myself in a marriage like this! Especially after my last serious relationships have left me feeling pretty uncertain about trying again but I really want to have people to call family!
@@outcastnine2224 I'm right there with you
This is honestly one of the sadder reasons people do lavender marriages. No universal healthcare seems really terrible.
Disabled ppl struggle everywhere.
unfortunately in england your benifits are cut if you marry because they see your spouses income as yours and presume they will be your caregiver. marriage is a luxury for the disabled in uk.
What I find kinda funny about this is that it lays bear the crux of what the LGBTQ+ community was fighting for with the marriage debate. Married couples are afforded all kinds of benefits that people who are locked out of that institution have to find a way to live without. Also, outside of "the West TM" marriages for convenience or to combine familial wealth are super common. I know most people are only joking about doing this but I honestly wouldn't blame anybody for going through with one. Get you those tax breaks! Marriage is about a lot of things and love is only one option.
Marriage is a benefit until you’re disabled and lose your benefits when you get married. The whole system is so broken and corrupted!
In the Uk there's marriage, but also civil partnership. Civil partnerships do not legally require there to be any sexual relationship, nor can you legally dissolve them on the grounds of sex outside the relationship. They're a quirk of our route to having same-sex marriage legalised, but they are still entered into by all sorts of people for all sorts of reasons.
In the UK marriage and partnerships both come with responsibilities as well as rights, ones that last beyond separation, so think carefully through the long term implications beforehand.
And because our tax and legal systems are so old and layered the ramifications of marriage Vs Cp differ quite a lot
I feel this so much. This aggressive pressure of romance has ruined a lot of ppl‘s lives it seems. And it is honestly really alienating as a woman if you‘re a person who wants to not be glued to another person for the rest of my life. I need space and privacy. And honestly, the way our society pretends that trad romance is the only option is depressing. I‘m more than someone‘s crush or potential partner. And the typical standard of a romantic relationship does not fit me at all. Getting disadvantaged for that while couples and married ppl get a big advantage feels utterly unfair. This isn‘t the 1800‘s anymore. A person should be able to live on their own. And being single doesn‘t have to be a temporary affair or mean you need to find a mate.
I‘m tired of it. Romance feels like a delusional scam to me. Something shoe horned into everything cause ppl seemingly can‘t imagine the idea of not being practically glued to someone for the rest of your life. It‘s time that this bs stops being marketed as the only option.
100%! Trans guy here and I've always felt the same way about how aggressively sex and romantic relationships have been pushed on me. You explained it really well.
Im all about the love and romance but those are hard to find especially in the long-term. However I hate the idea of being stuck with someone I'm not attracted to because I'm out on my ass if I leave. I always tell every woman I know to always have their own resources in case they need to leave due to DV, sudden death of their spouse, discovery of infidelity, their spouse decides to up and leave them, etc
honestly? do it. it ain't fraud if you get actual legal married
100% true. There is no medical or insurance fraud if you're married. I've been giving this advice to younger gay guys. My life would be destroyed without a double income. We've settled into a lavender arrangement after several years. The friendship is the most important.
Smartass.
I don't know about that, what do you think of the people who get married just because one of them needs a visa, but they're not really in a relationship? I'm not opposed to them, but the laws in all the countries I've checked (I've lived in several places and considered it at some point) it is not actually considered legal and the foreign person gets deported if they are discovered not to be in a relationship. In this case, because it's a new thing, there might be a loophole where it's not specified that it's illegal, but I think if people start doing it more there might be new laws coming and people might have to prove somehow that they're really in love and a real couple.
@latronqui how would they enforce proving people are in love though? That makes no sense. Like they can just lie. Love isn’t a requirement for marriage. Think about how many people participate in arranged marriages that are built on convenience and meeting a checklist of wants/needs. The pushback against this is dumb
@@latronqui ya, that is technically illegal, but if they are not getting a visa it's fine.
I'm a bit mixed on taking specific terminology used for queer safety and making it more generalized, but marriages of convenience where everybody feels respected are a great thing in my book! Nothing about marriage necessarily has to include love. It's a legal partnership and doesn't have to be anything more or less than that. Personally, I'd love to be affectionate with whoever I'm married to while giving them the freedom to explore other options. Exclusivity and kids aren't a priority for me, but companionship and supporting each other definitely is.
Counterpoint: Queer Marriage is legal now (at least in the US), so the term is just sitting there, in need of a purpose. Why not repurpose it for everyone?
(besides the obvious answer that this is a side-effect of late-stage capitalism, and we should be fighting for a thriving wage, and affordable housing and healthcare, rather than giving rose colored language to what is essentially a poverty enforced roomate scenario).
@@ajplays-gamesandmusic4568 Lavender is a color used to symbolize queerness. Real lavender marriages still exist in the world. Please don't justify the watering down of our language just so you can include straight people. Use a different term.
@@ajplays-gamesandmusic4568Just cause it's legal doesn't mean that people aren't still getting in lavender marriages in the US to hide from hateful family or just because they don't feel safe being out of the closet. This just tells me how little straight people really care about learning about queer people.
I hear what you're saying, but legality isn't always the be all, end all, and the US isn't the only place with a strong culture of lavender marriages. There are still many places in the US where homophobia is deeply entrenched and will get you thrown out of your community, still many people who can't or won't come out of the closet and still have need of these pretenses even if they seem archaic. Not to mention places where marriage equality is still a right we don't have. I'd gently ask you to broaden your perspective on why this is still a problem and a need that isn't being met, setting aside the issue of capitalism.
@@ajplays-gamesandmusic4568I mean it won't be much longer so it'll probably return to it's original meaning soon
Nah, as an ace person, this has just always been the goal for me lol
That was my thought 😂
FACTS
real
What’s an ace person?
Yep, same here!!
"Marriage of convience" is already a term. This is not a lavender marriage. I feel like a lot of people would get why this is uncomfortable, this is still a thing. People still get married just to stay in the closet.
I can see a benefit to it if it’s with someone you already know and absolutely trust, but I wouldn’t do the “advertise for a stranger” thing. Marriage does give benefits, but it also gives the spouse rights. And in the example of the TikToker, he wants someone to help pay “his” mortgage. He doesn’t seem to be considering that the woman would own the property too, and what that would mean for both of them. If he wants to retain sole ownership of the property, he doesn’t want a spouse, he wants a tenant.
I think it is an interesting prospect, but for disabled people in the US, it actually makes things a million times worse. legally marrying means you forfeit your benefits, health coverage, etc. because your spouse is then considered your caretaker. you retain none of your assets, which not only worsens the struggle on the couple but also removes any independence or ability to get away from the disabled individual. it's fucked
I wonder if a prenup would help it that situation. I guess the situation wouldn’t have happened at all if there’s little benefit for both parties
The fact that disabled people still don’t have marriage equality in the US makes me so mad.
I don’t understand why this is a thing or how it was allowed in the first place. It’s so awful.
This is a big reason why I would never marry
i wonder if that still happens if both sides of the marriage are disabled, who would be the 'caretaker' then?
8:10 😂 Two straight women could definitely be a happily married couple… especially two older ones. Fifty-yr-old roommates taking trips and only cooking when they feel like it 🤔
Two straight single fathers could legit raise some happy kids together as well; it would be convenient 🤷🏽♀️
2 “straight” single fathers
The hilarious poetic irony ... "Surely they're lesbians!" "No, no, these ones are _actually_ just really close roommates"
You almost described the Golden Girls, except they weren't married and there were three middle-aged ladies living with the elderly mom of one of them.
This is more or less how my wife and I met. She made a joke post on tumblr asking if anyone wanted to marry her so she could buy a house with dual income, I joke applied, we started chatting, then fell in love... been married 2.5 years now, never imagined I could be this happy. 3:19
That's an adorable meet cute!
this is so buetiful…
That's exactly how my gf and I met - a joke post on Tumblr and her asking me out. We've been together 10 years ♥️
6:49 i feel u on that so much, i hate physical touch so much in any non-romantic context. like i don't even like hugging my family members or friends tbh
thank you for the shout outs to aro & ace folks. love seeing people exploring and expanding ideas of human relationships
if it wasn't for the fact that I'm disabled, I would consider this. The issue with being disabled is that they take away a huge chunk of disability services for people who get married, making it wiser to just stay single.
It makes me so sad. My little sister is on disability and would like to marry her partner, but she'd lose her health insurance if she did, which would probably kill her.
I know, it sucks that we don't have marriage equality. I'm disabled and got married because it made sense for other reasons, but the lost income from Disability is hard.
I don’t understand how this is a thing. What if both people are disabled? Are they expected to just suffer?? This should’ve never been a thing to begin with..
@@KingOfGaymes In someone on SSI (Disability payments. Sorry I don't know what country you're in) your spouse has to be really low income. Anyone working full-time for minimum wage would make too much, but if both spouses are on Disability the combined income is low enough that you can both keep getting payments. Hope that makes sense.
Where I live if you are both on disability income assistance then the amount you receive is reduced, despite the combined amount not being enough to afford rent and food. Most in relationships lie to the government about their relationship status and are technically common-law, just hoping they don’t get caught.
As long as people are signing up good prenups, this makes 100% sense as society is built around civil unions. So many things are easier for married people: dual income, healthcare, legal family ties, etc. Im STRUGGLING as a single woman, not bec. I feel lonely (I love hanging out with my loved ones) but bec. legally* adulting on my own is hard af.
As a single woman closing on a house in three weeks (which would absolutely NOT be happening without my parents help), I couldn't agree more. Forget the money for a second, just the process itself is mentally taxing. But make no mistake; it's the MONEY!!!!!!!!!! My stomach wouldn't be in complete knots if I had someone to share the financial burden with. Hell, even 30% would be helpful.
i would have a lavender marriage WITH A FRIEND.
like, one of my friends is practically my sister, but if we're both like 35 and struggling to survive I'd marry her no second thoughts.
Same
My sister made a deal with her bestie, that if they are still single by 35, they will marry each other.
This hurts lol today was my 35th birthday lmao 🤣
@@outcastnine2224 lmfaoo you have fun at least?
Yesssss. My BFF and I agreed that if anything ever changes in our marriages, we're going to just blend our families together by marriage. Our children are already friends. Forget dating again. We'll go straight to being one big family.
this is like a really convoluted way of being extra tied down to your roommate
I feel like as usual, disability is being collosally underrepresented in this conversation. As a severely disabled person myself, irregardless of doing it for love or convenience i would never want to get married as it would take away my income. Largely increacing the chance of ending up in an abusive relationship, which is already more likely when you are disabled and literally permanently physically and financially dependent on other people.
People entertaining these ideas because that's how bloody dystopian the world is becoming... It's great but at the same time, learning to adapt to the kind of social injustice of only having enough to meet your most basic needs even though you have a full time job just demonstrates that most people are now wage slaves... Have your lavender marriage all you want but at the same time? Don't forget we are in desperate need of real systemic change.
had to scroll really far to find this. thanks for saying this
@@ball5942yes! How can someone seriously write "living in the same place and even sleeping in the same bed without having sex" in this context and call it "lavender marriage" or "an inflationship". There already is a word for it and it's simple - poverty. Can't believe even D'Angelo didn't react to that part more.
Duh, but that's not happening. The economy is predicted to get worse and people like us don't have the power to change it.
@@ettaz omg i can't believe i didn't even think of this you're so right. i'm no fanboy but i think we can safely assume since it's D'angelo it was more of an oversight
Referring to this as dystopia seems short-sighted to me. When you look at earlier descriptions of the purpose of marriage one phrase that comes up is "helpmate". The idea being expressed there is that there is value in two people just helping each other make their way through the world. Absolutely no one lives without the assistance of others. And not all of that assistance is transactional or disinterested.
D’Angelo just acquired like 2 million spouses
Lolllll was thinking the same
I just joined the harem whatsup waifus!?
Me and my queer platonic partner have been together for years now, and we have discussed getting married and having kids and a house together. It confuses other people because we look and act like a romantic couple, but we're not. And we like it that way
that’s so cool honestly. like a friend that u can do whatever & talk about whatever with
if thats what urs is like 😭
same situation here!! it may not make sense to most people, but we’re both happy and that’s all that matters
goals tbh. i would love a platonic life partner
Sameeeeeee but without kids neither of us are anywhere near ready to be parents and neither of us want kids either lol
10:19 NA THIS FOR REAL. i told my husband right off the bat that i dont want kids. You're gonna have to be okay with this, and if you're not, tell me right now
There's a misconception about taxes. There's no benefit if both people are working. All it does is combine your income and standard deduction.
The scenario where it is a tax break is when there's a stay-at-home spouse. Also zero benefits for parents who are married. You get $2k for having a kid no matter what.
first things first and most importantly, yes d’angelo i will marry you 🤭😚🫶🏼
back off he's mine
Well I also dislike touch, so clearly we were made for each other lol
@@Columbo453I agree! no one touch me.
Too bad, he's already taken...by me.
I thought he was married?
It's actually currently Asexual Awareness Week (last full week of october). And it fits so well - in multiple ways - that you include and talk about asexual [and aromantic, though that's two different things, which I wanna make very clear here!] people. Thanks for casually mentioning us and making us feel just as normal like everyone else.
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Small addition, for Awareness Week:
- Asexuality is a spectrum
- Asexuality is about the attraction part, not the action! (Like, a hetero person could sleep with a person of the same gender even though they're not attracted. Attraction =/= Action)
- There are subgenres. The most known are:
> Greysexual - where you experience sexual attraction to a very small or varying degree - and
> Demisexual where you experience little to no sexual attraction, but you may when you establish a very deep emotional connection (not you usual "I first wanna get to know the person").
- Asexuality and Aromanticism are two different things. One is about who you are (could be) sexually attracted to, the other is about who you (could) fall in love with.
> For example: One could be sexually attracted to men, but fall in love with any gender. Or sexually attracted to no gender, but fall in love with men. Or sexually attracted to any gender, but only fall in love with women
Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk
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Real question! What makes demisexual different from the typical "first I wanna know the person"? I just wanna understand.
@@vee8647 I'm ace, not demi, but as far as I've heard from a demi friend of mine, being demi is essentially being asexual until you build that emotional bond with someone and then it's like a flipped switch. They often weren't sure if they were demi or fully ace but then when they formed a close connection to their partner, it confirmed they were demi because they were now sexually attracted to them. As for "I wanna know them first" I assume it's more like, while you find them sexually attractive, you want to know that they're the kind of person you want to be with before you sleep with them.
I think the main difference is demisexual people feel no sexual attraction until a deeper connection/bond is formed, whereas the "I wanna know them first" crowd can still feel that attraction, they just don't want to act on it until they know that person is the right one for them.
I hope I explained that well and clearly!😅
A part of me really wants to marry for love. But the louder part of me wants to afford rent without living with my parents
literally just live with friends
I have 3 room mates for this reason lol I think people forgot about room mates ! I get if it’s hard to imagine for some
@@Demonocityy I think the marriage part is a way to attempt to get past the negatives that come with certain roommate situations. Like I lived with 7 other roommates before and it had good times with the right people but due to switches and people moving out and in, I eventually got stuck with an absolute dickhead of a guy. So glad I'm not there anymore.
@@strawberryfox8819 I’m not sure how marriage would really serve to negate that at all
@@DavidJones-ot8quThe marriage would only be with one person for life, not a revolving door of potentially bad people. I was in that same situation once, and that's why I don't have roommates anymore.
4:34 go for it. Consenting, adults who are being honest with one another from the Beginning. That sounds lovely to me.
What happens when your la ender spouse meets the love of their l8fe and wants you out 9f the house? What 8f you just can't stand their living habits?
@@hahahaaha7208then you get a divorce. Next question please
As a Gen Z queer myself, I don’t want this?? And it seems like they are talking about convenient marriages.
I’m aromantic so this sounds fun
Mood, I'm aroace but I totally want a platonic marriage so I can hang out with my best friend all day and we can get tax benefits
im aromantic and my life goal is to get divorced
I've thought about marrying my best friend, as somebody who is also aro ace. i just don't know if I could do it. I have this thing about how I like people in my space, and I consider my house my space. 😅 i think I'm a little bit of a catch-22 I don't think I could ever ask somebody to do that.
Same! I'm aro/ace and this sounds nice
@@shinxabsolfurreteevee I wish you luck bestie
I am a product of a relationship like this! Until my dad passed away at 18, my parents were the only ones still happily together out of anyone I knew 😂 They were married for 33 years and were definiely life partners, they just didn't have a sexual relationship. My mom is lesbian and my dad was probably grey ace, although this was before that was really part of the public consciousness.
do not do this if youre both disabled, being married nerfs your income and you gotta pay for earnings you receive past a certain amount. otherwise the "monogamy? in this economy?" meme is rattling around my brain rn.
can’t we just call it something different with the history of the term
I mean the idea of marriage as an economic process and strategy has been around longer than the idea of romantic/ loved base marriages. In the past it was rare that people would fall in love before marriage and married because of it. We just basically live in a SIMS like world, which your channel sort of covers
2:33 The men getting mad that women are picking the bear, are the reason that women are picking the bear.
went on a date and the dude said he thinks women that pick the bear are annoying. So i made him waste money on me then left
@natty_2747 Literallyyy. I never leave a date, I always enjoy my meal and then never talk to them again 🤣 if they say some shit ofc.
Honestly I'd pick a bear too, cuddly little death machines
@@joemommaverycute gg
@@joemommaverycuteYou unironically contributed to the patrarchy while trying to make a point lmao
I totally get why this has appeal and it has benefits like getting health insurance and stuff but my brain just keeps coming back to "they invented.... roommates" lol
roommates premium
I mean, it's more than roommates since they are legally married and have more benefits then roommates
Yeah, same
Married couples get a great deal of financial incentives and benefits that being a roommate doesn't offer. Insurance being the most immediate and obvious example.
These marriages have existed for ages....this isn't a new trend you can laugh at the kids for, it's older than you
I'm a millennial queer. Me, my friends, and family have been doing this for years. Relationship anarchy, basically. It's very true, though, that no relationship is immune from heartache, sometimes in the most unexpected ways. Deep, thorough communication is vital to keeping any relationship healthy, and that's something a lot of people find very challenging.
This sounds ideal. Granted, I’m ace-questioning so maybe that’s why, but I just feel like the main point of marriage is stability and marrying a friend seems like it would be way more stable and functional than any romantic relationship
Two things:
1. Definitely feels weird that the term Lavender Marriages has been un-queer-ed to mean "marriage for convenience." It was a huge part of queer history and for it to be quietly turned over is uncomfortable to me.
2. The flexibility of relationships honestly is what drew me to poly relationships. Some relationships are romance heavy, others are not, some are sex heavy, some are not, some are literally just partners in life. Of course there's a LOT of communication going on to make it all work and to ensure nobody's feelings are hurt, but when it works, damn does it work.
Straighties are unimaginative, if they didn't constantly steal from queer or black people they would have no slang, no fashion and no style
as a single person who hasn't left their house since last Saturday, I actually think this is what I don't want. Being childfree and single at my age the benefits is having physical space, flexibility, having no boundaries or people to consider in my decisions. If it came down to health insurance, I'd find a different job. If it came down to a house, I'm okay with renting or relocating rather than having a roommate. Love is literally the only thing that I would make me reconsider these values.
The optimal would be chill neighbors
I love being childfree and single too, but if I can get out of renting a room in my parent's crazy house, I would take it in a heartbeat. I mean, i'm glad you have the money to live how you like, but some of us are in bad situations we financially can never escape from without help.
@@GummyDinosaursify This! I too love being childfree and single. I also live in a car. It works for me and I'm great at it after years of experience so I'm pretty content, but the fact remains that I shouldn't have to settle for it as my best option lol. And I benefit from a specific set of privileges and needs that happen to be compatible with it; not everyone has this option at all.
I'm with you. 47, single for over a decade and wouldn't ever live with someone again unless I was madly in love AND they were a really good person.
Exactly
I appreciate you pointing out that aspec people can be in relationships too. I'm asexual and my best friend is aromantic, and she and I both have partners - our relationships are just very different :)
I'd do it. I'm demisexual and dating apps are not my jam. I'd absolutely go for this no questions asked.
Baby, ask questions…ask a lot of questions. You can still be unalived or scammed by a friend!
You kind of have to shop around your friend then. Not every friend is a good spouse 🤧
Love the aro and ace mentions
I’m scared that this is my future. Sure, lavender marriages sound great when it’s just an option. I crave romance and connection in a traditional sense but I just can’t. It’s hard to explain but imagine being born blind and wanting to see the world but not even knowing what “sight” is or what it feels like to open your eyes.
To your point about lack of aro/ace representation in media, I've found myself troubled by media several times because it starts off with the very explicit premise of a character that doesn't really "get" any of the pop culture representations of love, then goes on to present it as something like "the moment they met the right person, all the love songs suddenly made sense." When what I really wanted to see was that character having to deal with wanting to be in a relationship with someone despite NOT really having the same kind of feelings shown in pop culture.
That's one of several reasons I couldn't keep following Bloom Into You.
Wow you've articulated something that I couldn't put my finger on. You're right! I think sometimes I get into a show or book that has a character that 'doesnt get love' and I hope that the author would deconstruct or explore more on this!
But inevitably it always jumps into the whole 'oh I just had to wait for my fated person' deal and I get a bit sad. It's not as if I don't like these types of characters but I wish aro/ace-ness is explored a whole lot more in entertainment in general.
I feel like Bloom Into You has amazing a-spec representation, though if you were solely expecting an aroace protagonist, then I could understand why you wouldn’t want to follow through to the end.
Personally, I feel the show has done wonders for me-introducing me to a rather nuanced view of romance and relationships that other, more mainstream romance media hasn’t-and it helped me discover that I wasn’t just a lonely alloromantic person who had been longing for love, and actually somewhere in between. There’s actually a seen in both the manga and anime that explicitly makes it clear that Yuu isn’t aroace unlike Maki who is, and more so that Yuu is somewhere in between-which I took it to be as demiromantic, given her conflicting feelings of longing for romance but not yet feeling as though she’s fallen in love despite having found ‘the one’.
@@slurmophidalfellatroskob Oh sure, I'll fully accept that it has value in other ways and that this (and the other issues I had with it) are all more personal pet peeves than actual storytelling problems. It's just the biggest example that sticks out in my memory.
Speaking of Bloom Into You, things start making even LESS sense for Yuu once Touko confesses to her. She hasn't "magically figured out everything" the moment she met a cute girl, and she struggles with her feelings a lot for quite a while. She's most likely a demiromantic sapphic who would've originally assumed she was aroace at the beginning of the story if she had known of this label, and that's a valuable journey as well. But I get the disappointment if you expected her to represent an aroace experience down to the very end.
12:10 DAVE, GET OVER HERE
as an aroace person who never understood the difference between platonic and romantic feelings, I always imagined marriage was basically having a bestie and roommate in one that works out financially for both (or more if you have the social battery for polyamory) parties involved.
Not getting married, but this is essentially what my friend and I are kind of planning on doing starting next year. Because like, LA is impossible to living in under a single income. She is Ace/Aro and I’m open to the idea of finding a romantic partner to share my life with in the future, but also don’t feel like I need to settle and don’t want to actively go on dating apps.
I immediately understood what the old definition was because my college lgbtqia+ club held lavender graduation to celebrate queer students graduating
"thank you d'angelo" i say but slightly out of time with everyone else
lolll 😂
d'angelo notices that you're Not Like The Other Girls and invites you backstage to chat to him... the next day your mother informs you that she's selling you to the highest bidder and you'll never guess who shows up at the door 🫢❤
i think its actually SO disappointing that it has to come to this, like there are so many things that are so sad about this, BUT.... i totally get it and would do this if i was single bc yeah, the housing market is impossible and the dating pool seems impossible. i just think the fact that we even gotta think like this is so sad and so reflective of the times.
I think it says allot about the state of friendship how much people are ooohhing and aweing at this concept.
Okay but marrying someone for financial reasons and then realizing you have feelings for them and freaking out is exactly the sort of thing that would happen to me.
As a Native American & disabled person I NEVER want to get married for any other reason than tax benefits 🤷♀️ but it’s still not worth it when you’re disabled.
Their is so such thing as equal marriage when disabled people get their money and benefits taken away the second they get married
7:50 no sir you’re a genius. I’ve never done any online dating. But I’m thinking of joining more groups and meeting people just to get out of my little bubble. If I need to post a profile pic that’s what I’m doing. Find and okay photo that’s perfect😂
This is so dystopian. People are really scrambling for any sense of security.
sorta but its always been like this.
I think it's more adaptability to situations we can't change. We're not going to see the house prices go down until the boomers/gen X start to die off, so this is the best temporary solution.
Marriage has mostly been about security, marrying for love is mostly a new concept, and that too in the West.
Sounds like we need to change laws. Tax law should reflect our changing society, as so many of us are single or divorced. Vote local and often.
Ah yes the local pols who are encouraging sweeping changes to tax law to benefit “childless” people disabled ppl and queer people. Historically represented groups 💜
I can see women marrying other women, who aren't apart of LGBT for this reason. So many women pick up domestic/ emotional workload of men in relationships, being another woman can ease that.
I heard of 2 female friends who were single moms who got married to share the day to day workload & financial pressure of having to raise kids alone.
I find the concept interesting.
'Boston Marriages' used to be a thing quite some time ago.
I think people have to do what works best for them and what makes them happy. To me happiness is really the goal. I've seen some arguments in favor of this and my opinion on it is that I wouldn't rule it out personally for myself. There was a growing gap when I did date of being spoken at and not with. I came to the conclusion then that I just enjoyed life more when I wasn't dating or in a relationship. I always thought that the right relationship would be kind of easier and not like a third shift job that I had to show up for. 🍵
This for me is an interesting concept for several reasons. I like the idea of being around someone that wants to have an actual conversation with me. I love the idea of being part of a power couple that works together to attain goals and shares our levels of intelligence and life experience to get there. And I like the concept of having someone to celebrate with when we attain those goals.
hell no, pick your OWN term, lavender marriage is a queer historical term
Not to mention there's already a term for this (marriage of convenience) and that this basically describes every marriage before the 20th century
Although I completely understand the reasoning and have considered it myself. Hearing people calling it "Lavender Marriage" when they're purely getting married for financial reasons and not safety ones feels disgusting. For example, if someone said, "I'm bringing back slavery," when what they mean is they're willing to work physical labor without pay.
There's words for what these people are describing, and this one is not the one. I'm most likely just overreacting, but it's a gut feeling and difficult to get rid of or ignore.
Just ew 😅
gen z continuing their trend of using words and phrases wrong and "discovering" things that have always existed because they don't know anything that happened before 2009
i apologize in behalf of the stupid people in my generation
QUEERR 👏 PLATONIC 👏 RELATIONSHIPS 👏
SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK 🗣️🗣️🗣️🔊🔊
@@hellogoditsmesara3569 omg zesty straights discovering friendships, how grand!
@@olufson wtf
LITERALY LOL the allos discovering there are more types of relationships
Not the straights discovering queer platonic relationships exist 😭
i feel that there should be a different term than 'lavendar marriage' to describe these relationships, because that term is specific to queer history, and i feel that appropriating it would be disrespectful.
Omg aro here, hi, I'm so excited!? I don't usually see ppl talk abt these kind of "in-between" type relationships, we feel so focused as a society on putting relationships in boxes with what is more accepted or not, so often it feels like the only options are either strict friendship or a sexual/ romantic relationship with nothing left in between... Neways, so this is a pretty neat thing to hear about, and also yeah, just really wish ppl treated them more normally
D’ANGELO TALKS ABOUT ASPEC IDENTITIES 🗣️🗣️🗣️ I FEEL SO VALID AND SEEN
Correct me if I’m wrong but I was always under the assumption that marriage was originally a practice meant for financial gain back from early human civilization and that the marrying for love thing was fairly recent
I can't wait for the all so inconvenient lavender divorce when you decide your besty isnt a good fit or if you want to actually marry someone you love. I had a divorce and we were not fighting over anything and just wanted to end it, and it was still a big pain to finalize, what if 1 friend decides to go the a hole route it will not be worth it
So it's still a divorce, just less messy.
Yeah, I feel like there are so many potential downsides to this setup that I hope people think about before they jump in!
You do these marriages with Tight pre-nups so neither party can pull shit
I would ABSOLUTELY marry someone for convenience in this economy and have thought about doing so for years. It would be nice to have someone around without all that... extra stuff that is so important in heteronormative relationships.
Ive struggled for my first decade of adulthood and literally experienced homelessness. I would absolutely participate in a Lavender Marriage if it meant being able to finally achieve a comfortable living situation.