I heard this comment on The Block show, 2021, Australia, from the most cold narc, LIAR, probably psycho too! The woman with purple 🟣 hair. When I hear an accusation, the person making it is usually what they are accusing!
'know your good without having to talk about it' - 'when you stop engaging, you actually beat them...by taking away their supply' - 'narcissism is a short game....empathy is a long game'. Dr. Ramani I will never join them even when I really want to. It just isn't me.
Currently going through this , unhealthy friends and sisters … they bait they have smear campaign despite my low contact lifestyle whenever we interact it’s clear they know me and looking to see me crumble . I never return bad with bad I stand with integrity justice and kindness to them it’s still weakness . I need to find a better grey rock tactic when interacting. Being empath is a blessing and a curse . Thanks for your comment
That's one thing I remember when I feel guilty for distancing myself from my family : I never stooped to their level and lashed out. It comforts me to know that.
Yes, I know what you are saying exactly. I myself even sincerely prayed for the joy and well being of a sibling, just before he began a big nasty series of mind games on me, that culminated into me having an incredibly intense flashback, where I felt myself as it was when I was a very, very young child, and being extremely frightened. The day of that event, I committed to protect her with the deepest of dedication and devotion. And as for my other siblings, they still have been unable to offer me even the slimmest of empathy or compassion, how wretched and deep this problem had been against me my whole life. Even from the very start, my brothers got hooked on having a scapegoat in their life. But I never desired to do evil nor be clever and deceitful in retribution. Today I see their forced friendly relationships as thinly veiled contempt. Knowing that, I know I'm being set free, no longer having to live under their tyranny.
@@febejames8529 I live in a different country, so it's easy to simply not get into it with people I don't know well. Some of my friends didn't get it at first, but they heard me out and they're still my friends, so credit to them. It sounds like you're getting some judgmental comments... I'm sorry about that. Those hurt, even when you know your decision was sound. 🤗
@@laurenceboischot4265, thank you for responding. Well, I haven't actually lost friends over it. The person who judged me about it weaponized the little bit she knows about my family history and the rest she she made up😅 because I refused to put up with her hurtful ways.
I used to get that mindset when being constantly hurt by the narcissistic people in my life. “If I’m like them, maybe I’d survive in this world”. But after doing the work, being like them is far from anything I want to be or what my values stand for.
Before I woke, I would try to give in to the Narcs' belief that this is the way to be in life; but at my core I knew it was wrong and harmful, and started to walk away.
I did the same. I even joined the military and went into interrogations with the hope of learning how to be as powerful as my mother and my ex. I didn't know they were narcessists at the time (I didn't even know what NPD was at the time) but I thought maybe if I could learn their ways, I could steak some kind of claim in my own life. But those NPD ways are NOT for me. I washed out of interrogations training and stayed a "loser" who couldn't manipulate and dominate others. But eventually, I realized that it wasn't me who was the loser. And it wasn't me who was cruel. I just needed to get away from narcessists. If ya can't beat 'em, get far, far away from 'em. (And get counseling!)
Definitely don't play dirty with the narcissist, it might feel good to get revenge in the short term, but you'll regret it later. Not seeking revenge strengthens your character and you won't be hit so hard by betrayals in the future. As a matter of fact, you may feel very proud of yourself years down the road when you look back and realize you didn't stoop to their level.
They need us to play dirty with them. That way everyone is covered in filth. Not engaging is a shield against the mud they're slinging all over their environment. Stay strong in your resolve and find the joy in life.
Not to mention, they are better at those games than the average person will ever be. You will never win if you try to beat them at their own games. They will chew you up and spit you out without a seond's thought or any empathy at all.
I find myself waking up and checking to see if Dr. Ramani has posted. When I first started watching her videos I was broken, weak and confused. Today almost 2 years later I feel more empowered to make better decisions about the negative people in my life. I'm still recovering but I'm not as stuck as I used to be. Thank you Dr. Ramani!!!
Short answer, No. Story: my elderly mother used try and regularly bait me into arguments when I was her caretaker at the end of her life (yes, it was traumatizing, recovering now). I never took the bait. I told her I loved her and helped her exit this world. And when I was left standing in her room with her corpse, I let her have it and yelled, and screamed and outlined all the abuse she heaped on me since I was a child. When I did that and exhausted my brain and body, the relief was palpable. Then, I forgave her, told her I still loved her, and left the room. Yes, I’m recovering and have much work to do, but god damnit, I never let her drag me into her dynamic. My time with her ended on my terms, not hers.
This is cool. I couldn’t do this. I get completely sideways every time she pushes me. I lose it. And it gets worse every time, day, week, month, year. And each time she acts like SHE’S the victim more and more. This morning it was tears. I feel like I won’t feel better after she’s gone unless she knows 100% entirely before she dies what an awful influence she has been on me. And it’s not fair that this is the life *I* should have, or have to live.
Bruce Lee said don't ever fight your opponent's fight. meaning if they're a wrestler DON'T use wrestling. it'll be an ego boost to beat them at their own game,but don't try to match their rhythm-- you'll lose cuz its THEIR rhythm. Use YOUR strengths move to YOUR rhythms. you can't out crazy with crazy.
How can one play dirty when your trying to survive the narcissist plots, schemes and undermining you , especially behind your back . Trust me , people who spend a lifetime screwing people over, eventually it all comes back to haunt them . Vengeance is not on our timetable but on Gods .
You're right about playing dirty while trying to survive the narcissist's tactics. As for the vengeance of God(?)... yeah, it's on His timetable but, even more amazing is that it isn't like the vengeance of man. His vengeance gives hope there's possibility of a change for the better.
Growing up with an older narcissist sibling I learned that you can never beat them by playing their game, plus you feel like dirt when you stoop to their level. The best way to get the upper hand is to be the opposite of them and maintain self control. Once, a different narcissist choose to call me out in front of a group of people. I remained silent during their lecture, and when they were done I politely thanked them for their concern. Later, a member of the group approached me and complimented me on the way I had handled the situation. What I learned is that that particular narcissist made a fool of themselves trying to make a fool of me.
One of my favorite proverbs is actually from the Bible. "Better is a dish of vegetables where there is love than a fattened bull where there is hatred." Proverbs 15:17. There is joy in living peaceably pursuing peace with others. Trying to join a narcissist in their narcissism is a bad idea for anyone who seeks to be kindhearted, compassionate, and giving. Meanness is draining! As for me, I appreciate the principles I've learned from the Bible, and strive to dignify and respect people, so even the narcissist that was in my life, though he hated that he was no longer the god I served, still benefitted from how I tried to apply the principles of being peaceable with all men. I never cussed him out or bad mouthed him. I just left him alone where he was.
Proverbs 25:24 Better to live on the corner of the roof, than share a house with a quarrelsome spouse. ( although please note the proverb says, says wife not spouse, I think wife is correct, if you understand that Jezebel was a wife and queen, and an unclean spirit of manipulation, which can be male or female in its presentation. It is a plotting scheming divisive, deceiving, calculating, plotting, stealing, destructive, controlling, envious, jealous, seductive, chaotic and cruel. This all seems so wasteful and illogical, until you understand the enjoyment evil spirits have in their zeal, gluttony, and greed.) God has a very definitive stance on Jezebel.
I am with you on this! My narc surgeon husband does have friends; his patients who treat him like God and worships the ground he walks on. I got discarded because I started worshipping God and stopped worshipping him. No regrets!
After a lifetime of therapy to make sure I didn't become a narcissist like my parents, I don't want to be anything like them or model their behavior in any way. It's hurtful for me to do anything against my values so focusing on moving forward, with empathy and humility, keeps me going. Not playing the narc's games is peaceful. Fighting back engages them more and then the fight just escalates. When I was young I fought back until I learned in therapy to calm down and not fight..narcs look silly fighting with themselves. Fighting back gives them ammunition. Nope. Boundaries and disengagement are beautiful things.
An interesting notion, Do they seek arguments with other people to avoid fighting themselves internally. In a way it makes me think they pick on the people that somehow reminds them of some internal part of themselves they can't have peace with.
@@LSMH528Hz They find fault in others to boost their fragile, "bottomless pit" egos. If they are the least bit threatened (if you have something they want or do "better than" them in any way), they're triggered to react.
Never play dirty but always play smart. Learn to defend yourself from the narcissistic sucker punch but don't go out and start sucker punching others. You're much better off creating allies than enemies.
I love watching interviews with people over 100 - usually they are asked if they have any 'secrets' or habits that have (obviously) done well for them. Usually they say something simple, like a shot of whiskey every day, or a good night's sleep. They never seem to be the wealthiest persons, and they always seem to have calm kindness and warmth to them.
Jokes aside It's actually not easy to stay in your empathic lane trying to ease the pain and all you see is toxic people winning. .. I know it's just the short term winning they actually didn't get the meaning of society but I know for sure a lot of people changed because of the fact that you only see narcissistic people walking like the world belongs to them...but hell no never join that fake energy you will end up feeling emptier than before!! Have a nice day ma'am
Careful sarcasm: you change one letter and the heart was gone.. that how fast you lose digital love! Thank you you very much for the feedback I just don't know what happened! Nice evening everybody!
After 36 years, the fact that I ALWAYS treated him with respect, no matter what, gave me more strength when I finally left. I came out KNOWING that I did not add to the contention and I came out KNOWING that it was not my fault. That gave me strength ....... knowing that I was still a good person.
Probably the best moment for me during the whole experience was the moment I truly realized life didn't have to be the way it was. That realization didn't make the leaving any easier, but I knew from that point forward I had begun to move on. That moment was huge. The moment I remembered that I don't have to tolerate it forever.
Truth! Now that it's all over and I see what I was put through for years, I can finally breathe now it's over for ever. I love your post, it literally encompasses my feelings exactly
Unfortunately I’m still waiting on my grand exit! Waiting, the cringe sound of that makes me feel like a failure to my self, and daughter. Me:to my explanation to friends, and family. “I have a situation!” That situation just keep getting bigger, deeper to crawl out. My relief is that my situation is not so unique, lack of a better word. The future is clear that gap is becoming a inch. Thank you for sharing:)
@@patriceeyesondaprize9771 you are not a failure because you can't leave this very instant. Leaving can be tricky and it is a skill to be able to tell when it's time to go. Nobody knows that time better than you.
Some Native Americans had some kind of saying in their language, something about remembering to protect the goodness in your heart. If you go up against a narcissist just remember that the narcissist has nothing to lose in that department.. but you do.
My counselor could never understand why I wouldn’t let my narc have it. This was my take on it. Destroying him with facts would be easy kind of like taking cheap shots. I knew the things he was saying to me about me were not true so it didn’t bother me. I could have said , “You’ve failed at everything thing you’ve attempted: Ive watched you get fired from three jobs, you killed a patient bc you didn’t check their pacemaker, no one at the hospital likes you, you threw parties no one wanted to attend, you’ve been married and divorced three times, you have periodontal disease and a huge hump on your back. Oh, and by the way you’re impotent bc you smoke dope all the time. All of the above is true about my narc. He knows it. What would I get out of reviewing it with him. If I say all of that to another human being who lives in terror of his failures, how am I going to feel about myself as a person? I’m an empath. I just can’t do it.
Once we become aware of the depth of abuse we have been subjected to and the long term effects, it is hard not to want "an eye for an eye" But Epictitus said it best "the best revenge is not to be like your enemy"
Tbh, the proof is in the pudding. If you maintain your true self & integrity (in whatever way that is) despite their games, the difference will show itself by comparison. Your patterns of behavior will show a stark contrast to theirs. And in time, they will have a pattern of rotten self/ interactions & you will have a pattern of healthy ones. People will see them eventually, It just takes time.
Once I became really truly aware I couldn't tolerate the thought of staying any longer because I had reached the point of total consent or walk away. I realized that at that point that I knew exactly what this was and he wasn't going to change. I didn't know he was a narc until years later but I knew then he didn't have my back at all. Once you fully understand there eventually comes a point where to stay is to allow them to hurt you and that begins to be on you or you cannot do it anymore and leave for good.
Beating them is going DEEP. When I don't engage, expand, and personalize, I can watch them in real-time deregulate. I know I'm being petty, but I'm enjoying it. They can't control themselves that's why they need to control others.
I lost my autonomy, my values , standards ,and true authentic self being married to a malignant narcissist. It wasn’t just ..if you can’t beat them join them, it was put up or shut up, or go along just to get along.
After 30ish years married to a N, my MIL's advice to me was the same: just get along. Code for do everything exactly his way, take your beatings, don't ask him to bring home his paycheck or give up his girlfriend, and keep your mouth shut -nobody needs to know. She knew, she did it her whole married life. What a way to live.
@@janeloraine6231 my covert narc MIL and malignant narc FIL dismissively said “we don’t need to hear about this .. oh you poor son they make you work those crazy hours, it’s no wonder you cheated…and are there any babies ? Did he get her pregnant ? when I had the malignant narc ex show any accountability and tell his parents about his one of many affairs with a married woman he worked with and left ..abandoned my 3 very young children and I for . Then after they swept it under rug.. they proceeded in their delusional deranged minds to pretend nothing happened and sat doting on their evil son they created the rest of night while ignoring me
Although I agree that it's often best to just move on and ignore, but depending on the narcissist you fight back. I filed for embezzlement, slander and emotional abuse today. One phone call from police and suddenly my stuff is ready to be picked up after ignoring me for a month, I got my money back. He now has 48 hours to publicly clear my name and acknowledge his behavior before further actions are taken. He's a coward and I showed him just how weak he truly is.
Well done. What is interesting, reading your account, is how you fought back. You did the smart, mature thing. An example to everyone in your position. Of course every situation is different. I'm guessing he thought you didn't have the marbles to do what you did. These abusive idiots all think that way. Wishing you well.
@@emotown1 he knows I will always fight back and stand up for myself. Once, just once he laid hands on me, I immediately filed with police, it never happened again, whereas his ex endured 15 years of physical abuse. Something I didn't find out until later. He was exposed to everyone and self reflected on his physical violence behaviors. I would always call him out, no hesitation. He hates it but also respects it, unlike others around him with no spine. My mistake was that I believed this approach would somehow open his eyes, but it never did. That's on me though, I knew who he was and gave him chance after chance. Stating boundaries but never enforcing them. Now I have taken my power back, even before discard and he ran for the hills. Ofc he's already gaslighting me and trying to weasel his way out of responsibility, but I made it clear that all proof has been documented. He can either step up or face consequences. Time will tell. I have never felt stronger than I do today
Good for you ! It's essential to recognize that is this is NOT narcissistic behavior. This is simply standing up for your "Inalienable rights to life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness" . You have a right & I would argue a responsibility to defend yourself, in an honest straightforward way, in the face of the injustices inflicted on you by that person. It's essential to your own self respect & well being. Good job ! This should be applauded.
I was being subtly manipulated and set up by a friend/ringleader within a big group of fun friends (with partners and children involved) years ago. At that time I thought it was covert narcissism. I quietly stepped back from that individual and only partook in group get togethers (largely with my partner). She ran a subtle smear campaign (exclusion, insinuation) and recently intensified her program within the circle. Enough was enough and we decided as a family to step back. Each of my own family members lost multiple relationships. It was our entire social life and now we have nothing to show after 20 years of raising our families together. We have said nothing. It was selfish and destructive by the abuser (psychopath perhaps) but more upsetting is our seemingly kind & empathic friends who are keeping it status quo with the ringleader, because it is highly inconvenient to walk away and much easier than starting a social life over in their 50's. They definitely joined the program. It teaches you about hidden values.
@@shreyaindia4024 We have been putting ourselves out there for years when we have time, with limited success. We have met several couples that we have become friends with (not as one group) . Casual 2x year, maybe more time now to devote. It has been tougher for my husband coping with such a deep loss. It is the right thing to do to maintain dignity and sanity, but difficult road to travel. We could no longer look the other way.
Dr.Ramani, absolutely right! Tempting to be like them but the truth is I do not see how it is possible to be like them. How can one spread evil all day and make drama out of everything and act like nothing happened. Thanks but would rather not be like that !!! 🦋
I am learning...learning how to survive... how to escape. Extremely difficult especially if your spouse is covert narcissist. Thank you, Doctor Ramani!
Same here! 15 years married & now he wants out! Blessing in disguise? Probably but we share 3 kids. So makes me sad. I'm in love with him. But I know I deserve so much better. Good luck!
@@samanthasanchez2218 Been dealing with all the crap from mine for a year and a half. Since she got caught with my “friend.” Which wasnt the first. Our 21 anniversary is the 8th. I told her Im not going through another one like this. If shes not gone by then I will be. The hoovering of course has began. Avoid avoid avoid at all cost. Lol
I eventually did get my measure of revenge on the narcissist in my life. Revenge is possibly the wrong word to use. It took some years of developing my self-awareness and also striving to understand the narcissist and their motivations. Once you understand the core of narcissism, their complete lack of identity and their fear of being alone and without attention, it becomes a lot easier to predict their behavior. I did not actually seek revenge, but I wanted to understand myself and how I managed to become entwined with a narcissist in the first place. Revenge was more of a by-product of the process... I was able to explain the narcissist's behavior to others who had also become unwitting victims of this toxic person. Over time, they began to see that I had a point and that I was able to predict how this person would behave. I had to keep reminding them "we are not dealing with a regular, empathic person - this is different. Don't expect them to behave as you or I would." Fast forward several years and a lot of people close to the narcissist now regard this person with the upmost suspicion and refrain from sharing their personal emotional lives with this person. No doubt I am being slandered behind my back by the narcissist, but I can honestly say that I no longer care!!
I just learned this lesson in the most beautiful way: I went through a loss recently and the community of support and friendship that I have received has been surprising, overwhelming and wonderful. I may not be advanced in my career or have much money, but I'm OK.
It may seem narcs get ahead easier, but they have a huge Achilles heel - they need so very much. We had a bad one in a leadership position in our small town. He'd already decimated the departments of another small town and left them reeling. He was starting to do the same to us. The town employees were quitting, some of them in tears, he looked as if he'd win, so some of us got together and we started to work on his massive need to always be right, to always be in control, to be the center of attention, and to scare people. We starved him of his needs, exposed his enablers, and got them all to resign.
@Mimi Sayles-Cole We're in northern New Hampshire north of the White Mountains, and we are a very small town. I'd been studying narcissists to handle my own background of a violent, communal narc mother, so that, and the fact that we were able to work together, helped a lot. The person in question was certain that he was the most brilliant one around and could manipulate his way out of any situation. We depended on him to keep thinking that. He did, and he's now gone.
Thank you, I was trying to find a way to give example of the fact that they have an Achilles heal, in all these cases. But because they are are partakers in negative dark energy to persue their narcissistic goals, we need to pray to God for his will be done, before, during, and after working on such an intense endeavour as this. Your victorious challenging story was well said, and good job, well done. To help alleviate a towns worth of peoples stress is patriotic and needs to be modeled after. There is a lot of cleaning out of the barn needing to be done all over our culture and society, many have suffered these types. I am here too because my family were all narcissists and chose me as their group scapegoat, I'm seeing now the depth of their communal treachery against me my whole life, what a sad waste of their lives. I pray them recovery programs that their souls might be saved. But I'm opting out of further interactions, so God can continue to guide and heal me.
@Mimi Sayles-Cole It does take team work, and it does take everyone involved understanding what it is that they are dealing with, but Dr Ramani is right on all this data, and if you know how desperate they are and what they need, and if you can get enough people working together there's some hope. Most of our police department and road crew were ready to quit, and what was left of town hall staff were working in constant fear of the guy so in this case it wasn't hard to get cooperation once they knew what they were dealing with. But boy, once they stopped reacting to him - oh my the lengths he went to to get a rise out of them - and out of the town folk at meetings. We had to share pep talks almost daily to help each other stay on track.
Happy Friday Dr. Ramani ☺ and everyone 😁 You just won't ever truly "defeat" a narc...you'll just be playing a ping pong game of spiteful actions, even legal action with them. They're more skilled at wickedness and vindictiveness than we are 😯🙄😤.
I don't think it's a matter that they are masters or more intelligent at this. It's that they have a lifetime of practice when it comes to manipulation and hurting others. Also, the fact that they don't have a limit as to how low they will go. Most human beings have a limit and they don't. So the only way to win is not to play their game.
After two years of observing in place, I can see it clearly. 37 years trying to change me so he would be happy left me not knowing who I was. I'm seeing beauty all around. I don't want him to be unhappy but it's not on my control. Spread joy and laughter. Don't fall into the hate/fear/dependant state that they live in. It's ugly in there. Be kind to yourselves! Thank you Dr Ramani for all you do!!!!
@@gingerhenna9445 Thank you so much. I found that line "yes I am wise but it's wisdom bought with pain" running through my head a few minutes ago. True, I'm keeping the wisdom and leaving the pain behind. The kind words are much appreciated.
I was empowered beyond my wildest expectations when I went "no contact " . That Dr.Ramani was the best advice I have ever had. Thankyou. Month's have gone by and he has tried over and over to contact me. I have found peace within and from what I hear he is just in inner termoral. I feel for him , what a horrible way to live.
They hate being ignored. Any attention, especially anything that shows anger, is what they desire. Always make goodness a priority and live your best life!
"When they go low you go high." Don't drink their poison. I am genuinely sympathetic to the narcissist type. I never wanted to move on. It felt like I was abandoning the person. In reality they had abandoned themselves. And I was doing the same to myself sticking around. I wouldn't turn my back on anyone, and I include myself in that.
@@miriamhavard7621 I'll save it for whom ever I want. I'm not saying I enable the behaviour, and I certainly don't. I just choose not to be embittered by it. Like you clearly have. I would also check your motives of sympathy for the "prey", as you so eloquently put them. It's usually veiled. I would suggest you're more bitter as a result of your experience than you are sympathetic of any "prey".
Your kindness, compassion and care are s light in the dark. What happened in my life cannot be undone. Confronting narcissistic people had ruined parts of my life and carrier. But the goodness in me has survived. Shining forth again I see that having confidence in it doesn't make it necessary to make a show of of it. Thank you so much 🙏🙏🙏 hopefully your wisdom spreads boundlessly to empower and support all those suffering the narcissistic warfare on this planet
"Narcissistic people view kind people as suckers" 😳 As a kind person I see this pattern emerge more and more nowadays. I'm glad I can at least spot it, but sometimes it doesn't emerge until you've revealed a vulnerability and they go for the jugular.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for your insight and encouragement! I always remember this particular scripture at Psalm 37:1 "Do not be upset because of evil men or envious of wrongdoers. They will quickly wither like grass and shrivel like green new grass." For the narcissists...their actions are their karma. Try to really let go of anger/ hurt/ pain and to not engage with the narcissist in his/ her game. 5 Ds: Deflect Disengage Decline Defend Decide and Defeat
During a particularly nasty argument with my ex narc he said to me, "I can live like this for the next 80 years." That was true. Most of our destructive interactions were initiated by him. I've come to realize narcissists THRIVE on discord. I'm thankful everyday that I left. I don't think they can be cured.
Well said Dr Ramani. You're not going to find true peace by copying a Narcissist. As you say, cut off their supply is the best way. Many thanks for all your supportive videos. Regards, Oliver
I forgive my mother and pray for her deliverance from her covert narcissism but I’m going to have to do that from afar. Since I decided to stand up to her and live my move she’s doing all the post separation narc tactics (ad hominem attacks, the classic smear campaign, project, deflect, and blame shift). I won’t get in the mud, I’m done trying to prove the unprovable to the narcissist: that I am enough, that I am worthy. Eventually she’ll run out of venom when I don’t give her the reaction she wants. I’d rather just move on, and live free.
I am grateful to Dr. Ramani for her videos and the community she have built on her platform. It helped through some really dark times. I pray that you live a long, happy and healthy life so that you can continue to help many people like me around the world.❤❤
I have never wanted to get on the bandwagon (join the dark side,) but in the last week I have thought repeatedly "am I (we) the suckers in this picture?" It is hard to manage the side effects of being more and more surrounded by this sort of toxicity. Thanks for this segment.
I needed this reminder today. Thank you, Dr. Ramani! Focusing on myself and not playing their games has been so rewarding. It’s the best investment anyone can ever give themselves.
When finally and bodly saying you will not dictate what and when i speak anymore, caught him off guard, shut him up and i felt a small sense of victory! Thank you Dr. I refuse to change my character and niceness because he is toxic.
The "no contact: with my narcissistic siblings came after the passing of my father, the enabler, it began five years ago. Always being told to "let it go", "that's the way he/she is", "apologize to your sister, please... for me" was just gut wrenching when the fault was not mine. To me, this was playing their game too. I sold my soul every time I was up against one of their tactics and I didn't love myself. Now, I am in charge of the relationships and nobody forcing me into a food source for the dysfunctional. Living at a level from which they operate day to day is negative and heavy..I would compare it to breathing in volcanic ash. In the five years, I have let my true self speak and I love him. I really get what loving yourself means. I love Rex, he makes me smile and I won't sell him out ever again. You can't live in a structure of narcissistic values when it's not you...it breaks you apart and finding yourself is like putting a puzzle together with a strobe light..pieces of you are everywhere and some you don't even recognize. Dr. Ramani hits a home run here...Don't play like them. Your success comes when you can love you, then you can love others with the best of you. Selling out to them isn't love, it's a debt you are paying that isn't yours. This channel is the grounding force for those that are still uncovering the effects. It solidifies the things I know to be true and helps put those missing pieces back. Makes me smile. Thanks Dr. Ramani.
So well said; thank you so very much for sharing. I'm guilty of the "... for me" tail on a plea. It's not a common, routine thing... but it has happened and, until now, I didn't think of it in the way that you presented it. I owe an apology to some people and, going forward, that tail is clipped! Wishing you well...
@@ab6565 🙏🏻 Thanks A B ... yeah, it’s a journey down some roads never traveled. Really understanding what was normal behaviors could never be determined until I got away from it. This channel helps put it together and helps me understand more every day my reaction to situations then and now. Peace to you !
When you stop engaging, you actually do beat them. - this is very empowering! I hope you do a video about when a narcissist stops hoovering (if none yet). Thanks Dr. Ramani!
You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that! 2 Timothy 3:1-5
SO RIGHT. Im dealing with a narcissist brother at the moment. And that's exactly what I've been doing. It's tiring, we get angry. But it goes away. And in the end...my hands are clean! May the universe bless you, Dr Armani.🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
It means to stuck in the prison of constant war, of constant revenge and anxiety. Imagine your life - without any kind of relaxing, just constant fear and revenge. Living in a world where everyone permanently lying. . . darkness, I've been in the society for a while with my ex narc partner, all his environment which he choose was pathological. Why? not because of material level but because there was no love and no compassion, it was constant war. Constant fight, no mercy, just constant COMPETITION about everything.
Thanks Dr. Ramani. Besides being a great therapist and counselor, you’re a very ethical person. A true role model so needed in this sick and corrupted narcissist society. We need more people like you.
I have met some narcissists in my life and their worst fear is losing control. They are hostile to people that they believe are better than them in any way, and that threaten position, either official or unofficial. But you are the psychologist, not me. I just believe that there is too much emphasis on paranoia from your side and I have had narcissists in my life and they want to control and to feel better than others, superior, and they are very sensitive to any perceived disrespect and lash out at you if they feel you do not treat them right and sometimes it is true. You see that they are pieces of shit, they have already proven that to you. But I have also seen those narcissists that cannot accept anyone dislikes them too, and they lie to themselves that is was someone else's fault. Like the narcissist mother that blames the daughter in law for the son distancing himself from her and things like that.
The "dark arts" of how to be a narcissist. Exactly. Theirs is the style of taking their half, "out of the middle". Should I, "just do me?" If you do, it means being a, "chronic malcontent". (Which is their motivation, justification, and indignation). That's the essence of this game; a) it is a game, b) it's a wretched wicked thing they are trying to do, aiming to pull us off of our healthy stance to compromise our very own soul's morals and ethics. Manipulating us to stumble onto the dark side. Their tools are wicked tricks, mind games, mockery and abandonment, finishing their plan by blaming their victim's, now outcast status, on the victim themselves. It's your fault, they suggest, you brought this fate upon yourself. They do this, guiding you off to the pits of hell, by some devil's bargain of deal, that we never can fully understand. They have gathered others to their side subtly, hoping this helps you to self destruct, aided by their cleverly placed hints and allegations. ( Please note, because they have done something wicked, your have also become a witness to their evil, even if you still don't understand this whole drama. These are the rotten moldy breadcrumbs, that the narcissist, masters of the universe, classically leave on the ground as snares, for the souls, of well meaning others. P.S. I think my description is of a seasoned lifelong psychopath narcissist who has spent a lifetime at the game, when most narcissists are not so twisted and would not be this intense. Thank you Dr Ramani, it's always worth the battle, to not become the narcissists, because even if they destroy what you have built in family friends and self esteem, God who loves us, helps us to pick up the pieces, and gives us life anew, with truer, safer, love, friendships, and fellowship.
I have long used the statement, "Taking my half out of the middle," when apologizing for pushing my cart down the middle of an aisle in a grocery store, keeping toddler fingers from pulling things off the shelves. Of course, I would move to one side if I needed to share the space with another patron. Thank you Dr. Ramani.🧡
I had a horrible narcissistic boss. I eventually left and he was later fired. I wanted to retaliate but didn’t. I made a deal with myself “you can either seek revenge or you can learn the lesson from the experience. You can’t have both and neither decision is right or wrong. But choose wisely” I chose the path of moving on and learning the lessons. It wasn’t easy but I have no regrets.
Dr. Ramani, very well said, and I agree! Despite how badly my ex-wife has behaved and continues to misbehave, I have no desire to join in that type of predatory behavior. Sadly for her, I believe she has already received her just rewards - she has lost the love and respect of her children! That is something that I would never want to do!
thank you so much for this dr. i woke up feeling completely defeated by my narcs family, constantly surrounded by their toxicity and negativity its taking a huge toll on my mental health plus having no one on my side i feel like a loser unable to defeat them in their game. i wonder whats the point of being good? it gets us nowhere, the narcs always win. but i knw i need to continue being patient till i am able to move on from them, cut them off and live my truth
Thank you for your warm, kind, empathetic words, this is exactly the kind of content I needed to hear about narcissistic abuse today. I am so tired of the fighting, and particularly the tips by narcissistic abuse recovery practitioners on "how to take revenge" on the narcissist. I have never wanted any harm on anybody, and sinking to the narcissist's level would just be more of a detachment from my authentic self. I am so grateful that thanks to the awareness and the healing of my underlying trauma, I can be even more empathetic and kind than ever before. However, I now have boundaries and I know where not to waste my precious resources. If you can set and maintain boundaries, being kind and empathetic does not necessarily mean you will be taken advantage of, so you do not need to give up those qualities.
“Never fight with a pig. You’ll both get dirty but the pig likes it!”
I will embroider this proverb on a cloth and hang it over my bed. Brilliant!
I was going to write this after reading some of the comments. Definitely don't ever fight with a pig because the pig likes it.
Lmao , so profoundly funny 😂
So do I.
Bring it narcissists
I heard this comment on The Block show, 2021, Australia, from the most cold narc, LIAR, probably psycho too! The woman with purple 🟣 hair. When I hear an accusation, the person making it is usually what they are accusing!
'know your good without having to talk about it' - 'when you stop engaging, you actually beat them...by taking away their supply' - 'narcissism is a short game....empathy is a long game'. Dr. Ramani I will never join them even when I really want to. It just isn't me.
Currently going through this , unhealthy friends and sisters … they bait they have smear campaign despite my low contact lifestyle whenever we interact it’s clear they know me and looking to see me crumble . I never return bad with bad I stand with integrity justice and kindness to them it’s still weakness . I need to find a better grey rock tactic when interacting. Being empath is a blessing and a curse . Thanks for your comment
Dr R is amazingly eloquent and eminently quotable!
That's for sure - neither do I. Never join the narcissist!
@@stephanieCl The best grey rock tactic is total NO CONTACT.
Feed them nothing. Stay in your forward motion not their pull back
It's exactly what I want to do from now.
That's one thing I remember when I feel guilty for distancing myself from my family : I never stooped to their level and lashed out. It comforts me to know that.
Yes, I know what you are saying exactly. I myself even sincerely prayed for the joy and well being of a sibling, just before he began a big nasty series of mind games on me, that culminated into me having an incredibly intense flashback, where I felt myself as it was when I was a very, very young child, and being extremely frightened. The day of that event, I committed to protect her with the deepest of dedication and devotion. And as for my other siblings, they still have been unable to offer me even the slimmest of empathy or compassion, how wretched and deep this problem had been against me my whole life. Even from the very start, my brothers got hooked on having a scapegoat in their life. But I never desired to do evil nor be clever and deceitful in retribution. Today I see their forced friendly relationships as thinly veiled contempt. Knowing that, I know I'm being set free, no longer having to live under their tyranny.
Are people also shaming you for "throwing away your family," while not knowing anything about you?
@@febejames8529 I live in a different country, so it's easy to simply not get into it with people I don't know well. Some of my friends didn't get it at first, but they heard me out and they're still my friends, so credit to them.
It sounds like you're getting some judgmental comments... I'm sorry about that. Those hurt, even when you know your decision was sound. 🤗
@@laurenceboischot4265, thank you for responding. Well, I haven't actually lost friends over it. The person who judged me about it weaponized the little bit she knows about my family history and the rest she she made up😅 because I refused to put up with her hurtful ways.
@@febejames8529 good on you for not putting up with it! 🤗
I used to get that mindset when being constantly hurt by the narcissistic people in my life. “If I’m like them, maybe I’d survive in this world”. But after doing the work, being like them is far from anything I want to be or what my values stand for.
🤗🤗🤗
Before I woke, I would try to give in to the Narcs' belief that this is the way to be in life; but at my core I knew it was wrong and harmful, and started to walk away.
I did the same. I even joined the military and went into interrogations with the hope of learning how to be as powerful as my mother and my ex. I didn't know they were narcessists at the time (I didn't even know what NPD was at the time) but I thought maybe if I could learn their ways, I could steak some kind of claim in my own life. But those NPD ways are NOT for me. I washed out of interrogations training and stayed a "loser" who couldn't manipulate and dominate others. But eventually, I realized that it wasn't me who was the loser. And it wasn't me who was cruel. I just needed to get away from narcessists. If ya can't beat 'em, get far, far away from 'em. (And get counseling!)
you sound like a good person so it will be impossible to keep up with narcs anyway
I usually put up with it. But I have some very strong boundaries that pisses them off more than they hurt me.
The narcissist's world is so lonely, dark and sinister... who would voluntarily go there?
Definitely don't play dirty with the narcissist, it might feel good to get revenge in the short term, but you'll regret it later. Not seeking revenge strengthens your character and you won't be hit so hard by betrayals in the future. As a matter of fact, you may feel very proud of yourself years down the road when you look back and realize you didn't stoop to their level.
They need us to play dirty with them. That way everyone is covered in filth. Not engaging is a shield against the mud they're slinging all over their environment. Stay strong in your resolve and find the joy in life.
Also, "they'll drag you down to their level then beat you with their experience", to twist a popular meme.
Not to mention, they are better at those games than the average person will ever be. You will never win if you try to beat them at their own games. They will chew you up and spit you out without a seond's thought or any empathy at all.
I completely agree! 👍
Nope. When someone wrongs you, you get revenge and teach them a lesson
I find myself waking up and checking to see if Dr. Ramani has posted. When I first started watching her videos I was broken, weak and confused. Today almost 2 years later I feel more empowered to make better decisions about the negative people in my life. I'm still recovering but I'm not as stuck as I used to be. Thank you Dr. Ramani!!!
I already feel the same after a few months! It's so helpful to listen to her!
Dr. Ramani is amazing. She's raising Influencers to a whole new level.
Yes I feel the same and it has been a year for me! We
are so many!
I feel the same way. I started watching one year ago. It's amazing how much she has informed me and given me a different and healing perspective.
Me too 🙂
Short answer, No. Story: my elderly mother used try and regularly bait me into arguments when I was her caretaker at the end of her life (yes, it was traumatizing, recovering now). I never took the bait. I told her I loved her and helped her exit this world. And when I was left standing in her room with her corpse, I let her have it and yelled, and screamed and outlined all the abuse she heaped on me since I was a child. When I did that and exhausted my brain and body, the relief was palpable. Then, I forgave her, told her I still loved her, and left the room. Yes, I’m recovering and have much work to do, but god damnit, I never let her drag me into her dynamic. My time with her ended on my terms, not hers.
Good for you!!!!
Good for you many daughters would love to have that closure 🗣🗣
🙏🏽💜
😮
This is cool. I couldn’t do this. I get completely sideways every time she pushes me. I lose it. And it gets worse every time, day, week, month, year. And each time she acts like SHE’S the victim more and more. This morning it was tears. I feel like I won’t feel better after she’s gone unless she knows 100% entirely before she dies what an awful influence she has been on me. And it’s not fair that this is the life *I* should have, or have to live.
Bruce Lee said don't ever fight your opponent's fight.
meaning if they're a wrestler DON'T use wrestling. it'll be an ego boost to beat them at their own game,but don't try to match their rhythm-- you'll lose cuz its THEIR rhythm. Use YOUR strengths
move to YOUR rhythms.
you can't out crazy with crazy.
How can one play dirty when your trying to survive the narcissist plots, schemes and undermining you , especially behind your back . Trust me , people who spend a lifetime screwing people over, eventually it all comes back to haunt them . Vengeance is not on our timetable but on Gods .
You're right about playing dirty while trying to survive the narcissist's tactics. As for the vengeance of God(?)... yeah, it's on His timetable but, even more amazing is that it isn't like the vengeance of man. His vengeance gives hope there's possibility of a change for the better.
Growing up with an older narcissist sibling I learned that you can never beat them by playing their game, plus you feel like dirt when you stoop to their level. The best way to get the upper hand is to be the opposite of them and maintain self control.
Once, a different narcissist choose to call me out in front of a group of people. I remained silent during their lecture, and when they were done I politely thanked them for their concern. Later, a member of the group approached me and complimented me on the way I had handled the situation. What I learned is that that particular narcissist made a fool of themselves trying to make a fool of me.
One of my favorite proverbs is actually from the Bible. "Better is a dish of vegetables where there is love than a fattened bull where there is hatred." Proverbs 15:17. There is joy in living peaceably pursuing peace with others. Trying to join a narcissist in their narcissism is a bad idea for anyone who seeks to be kindhearted, compassionate, and giving. Meanness is draining! As for me, I appreciate the principles I've learned from the Bible, and strive to dignify and respect people, so even the narcissist that was in my life, though he hated that he was no longer the god I served, still benefitted from how I tried to apply the principles of being peaceable with all men. I never cussed him out or bad mouthed him. I just left him alone where he was.
Thank you, Joyce.
👏😀🌹🕊️🌈♥️🙏
Proverbs 25:24 Better to live on the corner of the roof, than share a house with a quarrelsome spouse. ( although please note the proverb says, says wife not spouse, I think wife is correct, if you understand that Jezebel was a wife and queen, and an unclean spirit of manipulation, which can be male or female in its presentation. It is a plotting scheming divisive, deceiving, calculating, plotting, stealing, destructive, controlling, envious, jealous, seductive, chaotic and cruel. This all seems so wasteful and illogical, until you understand the enjoyment evil spirits have in their zeal, gluttony, and greed.) God has a very definitive stance on Jezebel.
I am with you on this! My narc surgeon husband does have friends; his patients who treat him like God and worships the ground he walks on. I got discarded because I started worshipping God and stopped worshipping him. No regrets!
Totally agree. But what if you still love the narc, how to run?
@@-RitzEnjoli you need to love yourself more!
After a lifetime of therapy to make sure I didn't become a narcissist like my parents, I don't want to be anything like them or model their behavior in any way. It's hurtful for me to do anything against my values so focusing on moving forward, with empathy and humility, keeps me going. Not playing the narc's games is peaceful. Fighting back engages them more and then the fight just escalates. When I was young I fought back until I learned in therapy to calm down and not fight..narcs look silly fighting with themselves. Fighting back gives them ammunition. Nope. Boundaries and disengagement are beautiful things.
An interesting notion, Do they seek arguments with other people to avoid fighting themselves internally. In a way it makes me think they pick on the people that somehow reminds them of some internal part of themselves they can't have peace with.
@@LSMH528Hz They find fault in others to boost their fragile, "bottomless pit" egos. If they are the least bit threatened (if you have something they want or do "better than" them in any way), they're triggered to react.
just let it GO- the 3 selfish people in our family now only talk to one Another-- no one else left who has not deleted them!
Never play dirty but always play smart. Learn to defend yourself from the narcissistic sucker punch but don't go out and start sucker punching others. You're much better off creating allies than enemies.
I love watching interviews with people over 100 - usually they are asked if they have any 'secrets' or habits that have (obviously) done well for them. Usually they say something simple, like a shot of whiskey every day, or a good night's sleep. They never seem to be the wealthiest persons, and they always seem to have calm kindness and warmth to them.
Jokes aside It's actually not easy to stay in your empathic lane trying to ease the pain and all you see is toxic people winning. .. I know it's just the short term winning they actually didn't get the meaning of society but I know for sure a lot of people changed because of the fact that you only see narcissistic people walking like the world belongs to them...but hell no never join that fake energy you will end up feeling emptier than before!! Have a nice day ma'am
Careful sarcasm: you change one letter and the heart was gone.. that how fast you lose digital love! Thank you you very much for the feedback I just don't know what happened! Nice evening everybody!
After 36 years, the fact that I ALWAYS treated him with respect, no matter what, gave me more strength when I finally left.
I came out KNOWING that I did not add to the contention and I came out KNOWING that it was not my fault. That gave me strength ....... knowing that I was still a good person.
Probably the best moment for me during the whole experience was the moment I truly realized life didn't have to be the way it was. That realization didn't make the leaving any easier, but I knew from that point forward I had begun to move on. That moment was huge. The moment I remembered that I don't have to tolerate it forever.
I love this. This is me too. Real peace. 🕊
Truth! Now that it's all over and I see what I was put through for years, I can finally breathe now it's over for ever.
I love your post, it literally encompasses my feelings exactly
Unfortunately I’m still waiting on my grand exit! Waiting, the cringe sound of that makes me feel like a failure to my self, and daughter. Me:to my explanation to friends, and family. “I have a situation!” That situation just keep getting bigger, deeper to crawl out. My relief is that my situation is not so unique, lack of a better word. The future is clear that gap is becoming a inch. Thank you for sharing:)
@@patriceeyesondaprize9771 you are not a failure because you can't leave this very instant. Leaving can be tricky and it is a skill to be able to tell when it's time to go. Nobody knows that time better than you.
@@ryjilxiao your welcome. I 'm glad it's helpful to someone else. I will tell it all if it helps another.
Some Native Americans had some kind of saying in their language, something about remembering to protect the goodness in your heart. If you go up against a narcissist just remember that the narcissist has nothing to lose in that department.. but you do.
Never had any of that. Narcissists wanna go up against me, they’re getting destroyed
Wow!
It's the story of the 2 wolves in your mind, one good and one bad. The one who wins is the one you feed.
My counselor could never understand why I wouldn’t let my narc have it. This was my take on it. Destroying him with facts would be easy kind of like taking cheap shots. I knew the things he was saying to me about me were not true so it didn’t bother me. I could have said , “You’ve failed at everything thing you’ve attempted: Ive watched you get fired from three jobs, you killed a patient bc you didn’t check their pacemaker, no one at the hospital likes you, you threw parties no one wanted to attend, you’ve been married and divorced three times, you have periodontal disease and a huge hump on your back. Oh, and by the way you’re impotent bc you smoke dope all the time.
All of the above is true about my narc. He knows it. What would I get out of reviewing it with him. If I say all of that to another human being who lives in terror of his failures, how am I going to feel about myself as a person? I’m an empath. I just can’t do it.
Wow. I am speechless. Validating, Inspiring, and Humanizing. I have also started noticing the good people. Let's keep tipping the scales.
Once we become aware of the depth of abuse we have been subjected to and the long term effects, it is hard not to want "an eye for an eye"
But Epictitus said it best "the best revenge is not to be like your enemy"
Tbh, the proof is in the pudding.
If you maintain your true self & integrity (in whatever way that is) despite their games, the difference will show itself by comparison. Your patterns of behavior will show a stark contrast to theirs. And in time, they will have a pattern of rotten self/ interactions & you will have a pattern of healthy ones. People will see them eventually, It just takes time.
Once I became really truly aware I couldn't tolerate the thought of staying any longer because I had reached the point of total consent or walk away. I realized that at that point that I knew exactly what this was and he wasn't going to change. I didn't know he was a narc until years later but I knew then he didn't have my back at all. Once you fully understand there eventually comes a point where to stay is to allow them to hurt you and that begins to be on you or you cannot do it anymore and leave for good.
Beating them is going DEEP. When I don't engage, expand, and personalize, I can watch them in real-time deregulate. I know I'm being petty, but I'm enjoying it. They can't control themselves that's why they need to control others.
Yep - clearest sign of a disordered person: the pathological need to dominate over and control others.
"Narcissism is a short game... empathy is a long game" True - A good one! Thanks!
I lost my autonomy, my values , standards ,and true authentic self being married to a malignant narcissist.
It wasn’t just ..if you can’t beat them join them, it was put up or shut up, or go along just to get along.
After 30ish years married to a N, my MIL's advice to me was the same: just get along. Code for do everything exactly his way, take your beatings, don't ask him to bring home his paycheck or give up his girlfriend, and keep your mouth shut -nobody needs to know. She knew, she did it her whole married life. What a way to live.
@@gingerfellah5665 Good for you! It may have been a huge personal cost, but it will be a huge personal benefit as you heal and grow! You're worth it!
@@janeloraine6231 my covert narc MIL and malignant narc FIL dismissively said “we don’t need to hear about this .. oh you poor son they make you work those crazy hours, it’s no wonder you cheated…and are there any babies ? Did he get her pregnant ? when I had the malignant narc ex show any accountability and tell his parents about his one of many affairs with a married woman he worked with and left ..abandoned my 3 very young children and I for .
Then after they swept it under rug.. they proceeded in their delusional deranged minds to pretend nothing happened and sat doting on their evil son they created the rest of night while ignoring me
@@Canaday291 The disconnect is real, and deep. And hard for me to wrap my head around...
Although I agree that it's often best to just move on and ignore, but depending on the narcissist you fight back. I filed for embezzlement, slander and emotional abuse today. One phone call from police and suddenly my stuff is ready to be picked up after ignoring me for a month, I got my money back. He now has 48 hours to publicly clear my name and acknowledge his behavior before further actions are taken. He's a coward and I showed him just how weak he truly is.
Good for you.
Well done. What is interesting, reading your account, is how you fought back. You did the smart, mature thing. An example to everyone in your position. Of course every situation is different. I'm guessing he thought you didn't have the marbles to do what you did. These abusive idiots all think that way. Wishing you well.
@@emotown1 he knows I will always fight back and stand up for myself. Once, just once he laid hands on me, I immediately filed with police, it never happened again, whereas his ex endured 15 years of physical abuse. Something I didn't find out until later. He was exposed to everyone and self reflected on his physical violence behaviors. I would always call him out, no hesitation. He hates it but also respects it, unlike others around him with no spine. My mistake was that I believed this approach would somehow open his eyes, but it never did. That's on me though, I knew who he was and gave him chance after chance. Stating boundaries but never enforcing them. Now I have taken my power back, even before discard and he ran for the hills. Ofc he's already gaslighting me and trying to weasel his way out of responsibility, but I made it clear that all proof has been documented. He can either step up or face consequences. Time will tell. I have never felt stronger than I do today
I don't think what you did is playing dirty. It sounds like it was a necessary action.
Good for you ! It's essential to recognize that is this is NOT narcissistic behavior. This is simply standing up for your "Inalienable rights to life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness" . You have a right & I would argue a responsibility to defend yourself, in an honest straightforward way, in the face of the injustices inflicted on you by that person. It's essential to your own self respect & well being. Good job ! This should be applauded.
My narc spouse once raged and said " You cannot be me". And I replied in pain " I never want to be you" !
I was being subtly manipulated and set up by a friend/ringleader within a big group of fun friends (with partners and children involved) years ago. At that time I thought it was covert narcissism. I quietly stepped back from that individual and only partook in group get togethers (largely with my partner). She ran a subtle smear campaign (exclusion, insinuation) and recently intensified her program within the circle. Enough was enough and we decided as a family to step back. Each of my own family members lost multiple relationships. It was our entire social life and now we have nothing to show after 20 years of raising our families together. We have said nothing. It was selfish and destructive by the abuser (psychopath perhaps) but more upsetting is our seemingly kind & empathic friends who are keeping it status quo with the ringleader, because it is highly inconvenient to walk away and much easier than starting a social life over in their 50's. They definitely joined the program. It teaches you about hidden values.
how are you dealing with the social life now? did you make new friends?
@@shreyaindia4024 We have been putting ourselves out there for years when we have time, with limited success. We have met several couples that we have become friends with (not as one group) . Casual 2x year, maybe more time now to devote. It has been tougher for my husband coping with such a deep loss. It is the right thing to do to maintain dignity and sanity, but difficult road to travel. We could no longer look the other way.
@@loverlytoday thanks for your reply
You have your kids.. hope they are awesome.
"seemingly kind and empathic friends" turned out to be enablers...
It just adds fuel to their fire and leads to a downward spiral.
Dr.Ramani, absolutely right! Tempting to be like them but the truth is I do not see how it is possible to be like them. How can one spread evil all day and make drama out of everything and act like nothing happened. Thanks but would rather not be like that !!! 🦋
"To not care about others is to miss the poetry of human relationships." ~ Dr. Ramani. This is an excellent quote.
It's not in our nature to play dirty but we should become wiser.
It is in mine
@@OneFreeMan17 You must not be an Empath then.
@@ceilconstante7813 The world doesn’t deserve empaths
No! That simple, let them live with their karma, you just need to live looking after yours.
I am learning...learning how to survive... how to escape. Extremely difficult especially if your spouse is covert narcissist. Thank you, Doctor Ramani!
Same here! 15 years married & now he wants out! Blessing in disguise? Probably but we share 3 kids. So makes me sad. I'm in love with him. But I know I deserve so much better. Good luck!
@@samanthasanchez2218 Wow, me too, exactly 15 years!
@@samanthasanchez2218 Been dealing with all the crap from mine for a year and a half. Since she got caught with my “friend.” Which wasnt the first. Our 21 anniversary is the 8th. I told her Im not going through another one like this. If shes not gone by then I will be. The hoovering of course has began. Avoid avoid avoid at all cost. Lol
coverts make me want to break things. and then I look like the crazy one. wtf.
@@samanthasanchez2218 girl, you deserve the same amount of love you give in return!
"I won't become the thing I hate." -Stabbing Westward
fighting fire with fire just creates more fire.
I eventually did get my measure of revenge on the narcissist in my life. Revenge is possibly the wrong word to use. It took some years of developing my self-awareness and also striving to understand the narcissist and their motivations. Once you understand the core of narcissism, their complete lack of identity and their fear of being alone and without attention, it becomes a lot easier to predict their behavior. I did not actually seek revenge, but I wanted to understand myself and how I managed to become entwined with a narcissist in the first place. Revenge was more of a by-product of the process...
I was able to explain the narcissist's behavior to others who had also become unwitting victims of this toxic person. Over time, they began to see that I had a point and that I was able to predict how this person would behave. I had to keep reminding them "we are not dealing with a regular, empathic person - this is different. Don't expect them to behave as you or I would."
Fast forward several years and a lot of people close to the narcissist now regard this person with the upmost suspicion and refrain from sharing their personal emotional lives with this person. No doubt I am being slandered behind my back by the narcissist, but I can honestly say that I no longer care!!
Winning the game by sending love and kindness out into the universe 🤗❤️
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Today you grounded some flying monkeys.
I just learned this lesson in the most beautiful way: I went through a loss recently and the community of support and friendship that I have received has been surprising, overwhelming and wonderful. I may not be advanced in my career or have much money, but I'm OK.
This message almost made me tear up, it’s so encouraging 🥲😊
It may seem narcs get ahead easier, but they have a huge Achilles heel - they need so very much. We had a bad one in a leadership position in our small town. He'd already decimated the departments of another small town and left them reeling. He was starting to do the same to us. The town employees were quitting, some of them in tears, he looked as if he'd win, so some of us got together and we started to work on his massive need to always be right, to always be in control, to be the center of attention, and to scare people. We starved him of his needs, exposed his enablers, and got them all to resign.
@Mimi Sayles-Cole We're in northern New Hampshire north of the White Mountains, and we are a very small town. I'd been studying narcissists to handle my own background of a violent, communal narc mother, so that, and the fact that we were able to work together, helped a lot. The person in question was certain that he was the most brilliant one around and could manipulate his way out of any situation. We depended on him to keep thinking that. He did, and he's now gone.
Thank you, I was trying to find a way to give example of the fact that they have an Achilles heal, in all these cases. But because they are are partakers in negative dark energy to persue their narcissistic goals, we need to pray to God for his will be done, before, during, and after working on such an intense endeavour as this. Your victorious challenging story was well said, and good job, well done. To help alleviate a towns worth of peoples stress is patriotic and needs to be modeled after. There is a lot of cleaning out of the barn needing to be done all over our culture and society, many have suffered these types. I am here too because my family were all narcissists and chose me as their group scapegoat, I'm seeing now the depth of their communal treachery against me my whole life, what a sad waste of their lives. I pray them recovery programs that their souls might be saved. But I'm opting out of further interactions, so God can continue to guide and heal me.
Oh, this is impressive work. Good for you and those who helped you.
@Mimi Sayles-Cole It does take team work, and it does take everyone involved understanding what it is that they are dealing with, but Dr Ramani is right on all this data, and if you know how desperate they are and what they need, and if you can get enough people working together there's some hope. Most of our police department and road crew were ready to quit, and what was left of town hall staff were working in constant fear of the guy so in this case it wasn't hard to get cooperation once they knew what they were dealing with. But boy, once they stopped reacting to him - oh my the lengths he went to to get a rise out of them - and out of the town folk at meetings. We had to share pep talks almost daily to help each other stay on track.
Joining them is not an option. But taking back my power and not longer allowing their disrespect IS the option for me.
Dr Ramani, you’re so sweet. And very educated. Thank you so much for posting videos with extremely helpful information.
Happy Friday Dr. Ramani ☺ and everyone 😁
You just won't ever truly "defeat" a narc...you'll just be playing a ping pong game of spiteful actions, even legal action with them.
They're more skilled at wickedness and vindictiveness than we are 😯🙄😤.
Cren, this is so true. Narcs have alot negative feedback and get addicted to arguing.
They are masters at playing dirty. You cross them and all bets are off !
I don't think it's a matter that they are masters or more intelligent at this. It's that they have a lifetime of practice when it comes to manipulation and hurting others. Also, the fact that they don't have a limit as to how low they will go. Most human beings have a limit and they don't.
So the only way to win is not to play their game.
@@javiervidal366 Absolutely !
I simply love you, Dr. Ramani. You are a true warrior and strong clear light in this world. May God continue to bless you.
Thank you, Doctor. I agree. Don't join them in the dirt.
After two years of observing in place, I can see it clearly. 37 years trying to change me so he would be happy left me not knowing who I was. I'm seeing beauty all around. I don't want him to be unhappy but it's not on my control. Spread joy and laughter. Don't fall into the hate/fear/dependant state that they live in. It's ugly in there. Be kind to yourselves! Thank you Dr Ramani for all you do!!!!
Another beauty!
Nicely said, and nice follow through! You have a profound name, that is so true that it made me laugh. You definitely got this understanding!!!
34 years for me @Mystery AboundsInChaos
It’s never to late to say “ I’m outta here!” Good luck to you 😊
@@gingerhenna9445 Thank you so much. I found that line "yes I am wise but it's wisdom bought with pain" running through my head a few minutes ago. True, I'm keeping the wisdom and leaving the pain behind. The kind words are much appreciated.
I was empowered beyond my wildest expectations when I went "no contact " . That Dr.Ramani was the best advice I have ever had. Thankyou. Month's have gone by and he has tried over and over to contact me. I have found peace within and from what I hear he is just in inner termoral. I feel for him , what a horrible way to live.
You sound as wise as Yoda, keeping people from going to the dark side ♥️
I say No… playing dirty compromises my character and my core beliefs. Nope! Id rather leave than be like that!
You right, me too. We just can't be like them, it's impossible for us.
They hate being ignored. Any attention, especially anything that shows anger, is what they desire. Always make goodness a priority and live your best life!
Thank you for this. More and more I learn to disengage, ground, and focus on healthy safe people. Thank you 🙏
"When they go low you go high." Don't drink their poison. I am genuinely sympathetic to the narcissist type. I never wanted to move on. It felt like I was abandoning the person. In reality they had abandoned themselves. And I was doing the same to myself sticking around. I wouldn't turn my back on anyone, and I include myself in that.
👍🏻
Oh for goodness sakes!!!! Sympathetic for them?! Save it for their prey. They need it.
@@miriamhavard7621 Agreed😳!
@@miriamhavard7621 I'll save it for whom ever I want. I'm not saying I enable the behaviour, and I certainly don't. I just choose not to be embittered by it. Like you clearly have. I would also check your motives of sympathy for the "prey", as you so eloquently put them. It's usually veiled. I would suggest you're more bitter as a result of your experience than you are sympathetic of any "prey".
I prefer to go even lower, and send them to their deaths
How can someone possibly dislike the truth that is freely being presented in this video? Thanks again, Dr. Ramani❤️
For those still in pain from narc abuse, this can sound like defeat (when it's really freedom).
Don’t act like these people. What goes around comes back around.
Stop engaging with them. Great advice!
Amen, Dr. R! Bad proverb! Bad proverb! Go stand in the corner!
Be YOURSELF, peeps!!!!! So MUCH easier and you’ll be SO much HAPPIER & CONTENT!!!!! :)
Your kindness, compassion and care are s light in the dark. What happened in my life cannot be undone. Confronting narcissistic people had ruined parts of my life and carrier. But the goodness in me has survived. Shining forth again I see that having confidence in it doesn't make it necessary to make a show of of it. Thank you so much 🙏🙏🙏 hopefully your wisdom spreads boundlessly to empower and support all those suffering the narcissistic warfare on this planet
Blessings, thank you walking away and not playing their game we win and beat them without joining them. Thank you Dr. Ramani
The opposite side of this proverb coin could read, “two wrongs don’t make a right”.😊
"Narcissistic people view kind people as suckers" 😳
As a kind person I see this pattern emerge more and more nowadays. I'm glad I can at least spot it, but sometimes it doesn't emerge until you've revealed a vulnerability and they go for the jugular.
Dr Ramani I thank GOD for the gentle and wise soul in you. May HE. bless you !!!
I am so glad to see this because I get so jealous of narcs!
Thank you Dr. Ramani for your insight and encouragement!
I always remember this particular scripture at Psalm 37:1 "Do not be upset because of evil men or envious of wrongdoers. They will quickly wither like grass and shrivel like green new grass." For the narcissists...their actions are their karma. Try to really let go of anger/ hurt/ pain and to not engage with the narcissist in his/ her game.
5 Ds:
Deflect
Disengage
Decline
Defend
Decide and Defeat
During a particularly nasty argument with my ex narc he said to me, "I can live like this for the next 80 years." That was true. Most of our destructive interactions were initiated by him. I've come to realize narcissists THRIVE on discord. I'm thankful everyday that I left. I don't think they can be cured.
Well said Dr Ramani. You're not going to find true peace by copying a Narcissist. As you say, cut off their supply is the best way. Many thanks for all your supportive videos. Regards, Oliver
I forgive my mother and pray for her deliverance from her covert narcissism but I’m going to have to do that from afar. Since I decided to stand up to her and live my move she’s doing all the post separation narc tactics (ad hominem attacks, the classic smear campaign, project, deflect, and blame shift). I won’t get in the mud, I’m done trying to prove the unprovable to the narcissist: that I am enough, that I am worthy. Eventually she’ll run out of venom when I don’t give her the reaction she wants. I’d rather just move on, and live free.
Thank you for defining the how and what it means to actually beat them. There is tremendous peace and strength in your guidance.
6:03 "to miss the poetry of human relationships". The way Dr. Ramani put it 💚💚💚
Thanks Ayman The Knight, I got so animated by all the other amazing things Dr. Ramani said, that I missed the beauty and sheer elegance of that line!
I am grateful to Dr. Ramani for her videos and the community she have built on her platform. It helped through some really dark times. I pray that you live a long, happy and healthy life so that you can continue to help many people like me around the world.❤❤
It's not worth it sinking to their level.
I have never wanted to get on the bandwagon (join the dark side,) but in the last week I have thought repeatedly "am I (we) the suckers in this picture?" It is hard to manage the side effects of being more and more surrounded by this sort of toxicity. Thanks for this segment.
Temptation in this demonic world 🌎 is a constant battle....👹Stay strong ask God for strength
We aren't the suckers, they are. They just happen to outnumber us 20 to 1.
I needed this reminder today. Thank you, Dr. Ramani! Focusing on myself and not playing their games has been so rewarding. It’s the best investment anyone can ever give themselves.
When finally and bodly saying you will not dictate what and when i speak anymore, caught him off guard, shut him up and i felt a small sense of victory! Thank you Dr. I refuse to change my character and niceness because he is toxic.
They try to control what where when why and how we speak for their own fear based agenda. Love is a much better trip.
The "no contact: with my narcissistic siblings came after the passing of my father, the enabler, it began five years ago. Always being told to "let it go", "that's the way he/she is", "apologize to your sister, please... for me" was just gut wrenching when the fault was not mine. To me, this was playing their game too. I sold my soul every time I was up against one of their tactics and I didn't love myself. Now, I am in charge of the relationships and nobody forcing me into a food source for the dysfunctional. Living at a level from which they operate day to day is negative and heavy..I would compare it to breathing in volcanic ash. In the five years, I have let my true self speak and I love him. I really get what loving yourself means. I love Rex, he makes me smile and I won't sell him out ever again. You can't live in a structure of narcissistic values when it's not you...it breaks you apart and finding yourself is like putting a puzzle together with a strobe light..pieces of you are everywhere and some you don't even recognize. Dr. Ramani hits a home run here...Don't play like them. Your success comes when you can love you, then you can love others with the best of you. Selling out to them isn't love, it's a debt you are paying that isn't yours. This channel is the grounding force for those that are still uncovering the effects. It solidifies the things I know to be true and helps put those missing pieces back. Makes me smile. Thanks Dr. Ramani.
So well said; thank you so very much for sharing. I'm guilty of the "... for me" tail on a plea. It's not a common, routine thing... but it has happened and, until now, I didn't think of it in the way that you presented it. I owe an apology to some people and, going forward, that tail is clipped! Wishing you well...
Wow my experience too
@@ab6565 🙏🏻 Thanks A B ... yeah, it’s a journey down some roads never traveled. Really understanding what was normal behaviors could never be determined until I got away from it. This channel helps put it together and helps me understand more every day my reaction to situations then and now. Peace to you !
Thank you Dr. Ramini...this pretty much sums up the difference between a human being and a narcissist.
I'm so glad for the clarity
When you stop engaging, you actually do beat them. - this is very empowering!
I hope you do a video about when a narcissist stops hoovering (if none yet). Thanks Dr. Ramani!
You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that! 2 Timothy 3:1-5
Thank you for sharing the Scripture. It fits with the message in the video so well.
So much narcissism
SO
RIGHT.
Im dealing with a narcissist brother at the moment. And that's exactly what I've been doing. It's tiring, we get angry. But it goes away. And in the end...my hands are clean!
May the universe bless you, Dr Armani.🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
I needed to hear this right now. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us 🙏🏼
Thanks for telling people the TRUTH!
It means to stuck in the prison of constant war, of constant revenge and anxiety. Imagine your life - without any kind of relaxing, just constant fear and revenge. Living in a world where everyone permanently lying. . . darkness, I've been in the society for a while with my ex narc partner, all his environment which he choose was pathological. Why? not because of material level but because there was no love and no compassion, it was constant war. Constant fight, no mercy, just constant COMPETITION about everything.
Exactly what I needed to hear at this hour! 🙏
Thanks Dr. Ramani. Besides being a great therapist and counselor, you’re a very ethical person. A true role model so needed in this sick and corrupted narcissist society. We need more people like you.
Probably one of the best heart felt videos on the subject. Gives people hope and wisdom. Thank you.
I have met some narcissists in my life and their worst fear is losing control. They are hostile to people that they believe are better than them in any way, and that threaten position, either official or unofficial. But you are the psychologist, not me. I just believe that there is too much emphasis on paranoia from your side and I have had narcissists in my life and they want to control and to feel better than others, superior, and they are very sensitive to any perceived disrespect and lash out at you if they feel you do not treat them right and sometimes it is true. You see that they are pieces of shit, they have already proven that to you. But I have also seen those narcissists that cannot accept anyone dislikes them too, and they lie to themselves that is was someone else's fault. Like the narcissist mother that blames the daughter in law for the son distancing himself from her and things like that.
Double like for this. Please raise the volume. The world needs to hear this ,👏🔥
"If you hate something don't you do it too."
-"Not For You", by Pearl Jam
The "dark arts" of how to be a narcissist. Exactly. Theirs is the style of taking their half, "out of the middle". Should I, "just do me?"
If you do, it means being a, "chronic malcontent". (Which is their motivation, justification, and indignation).
That's the essence of this game;
a) it is a game, b) it's a wretched wicked thing they are trying to do, aiming to pull us off of our healthy stance to compromise our very own soul's morals and ethics. Manipulating us to stumble onto the dark side. Their tools are wicked tricks, mind games, mockery and abandonment, finishing their plan by blaming their victim's, now outcast status, on the victim themselves. It's your fault, they suggest, you brought this fate upon yourself. They do this, guiding you off to the pits of hell, by some devil's bargain of deal, that we never can fully understand. They have gathered others to their side subtly, hoping this helps you to self destruct, aided by their cleverly placed hints and allegations. ( Please note, because they have done something wicked, your have also become a witness to their evil, even if you still don't understand this whole drama. These are the rotten moldy breadcrumbs, that the narcissist, masters of the universe, classically leave on the ground as snares, for the souls, of well meaning others. P.S. I think my description is of a seasoned lifelong psychopath narcissist who has spent a lifetime at the game, when most narcissists are not so twisted and would not be this intense.
Thank you Dr Ramani, it's always worth the battle, to not become the narcissists, because even if they destroy what you have built in family friends and self esteem, God who loves us, helps us to pick up the pieces, and gives us life anew, with truer, safer, love, friendships, and fellowship.
No, never sink to their level. narcs can and will be very nasty.
I have long used the statement, "Taking my half out of the middle," when apologizing for pushing my cart down the middle of an aisle in a grocery store, keeping toddler fingers from pulling things off the shelves. Of course, I would move to one side if I needed to share the space with another patron. Thank you Dr. Ramani.🧡
“The world is more toxic” - thank you for this! 👏🏻
I had a horrible narcissistic boss. I eventually left and he was later fired. I wanted to retaliate but didn’t. I made a deal with myself “you can either seek revenge or you can learn the lesson from the experience. You can’t have both and neither decision is right or wrong. But choose wisely” I chose the path of moving on and learning the lessons. It wasn’t easy but I have no regrets.
Dr. Ramani, very well said, and I agree! Despite how badly my ex-wife has behaved and continues to misbehave, I have no desire to join in that type of predatory behavior. Sadly for her, I believe she has already received her just rewards - she has lost the love and respect of her children! That is something that I would never want to do!
These are great moments to acknowledge and be grateful for knowing the pleasure of feeling the joy of others!
thank you so much for this dr. i woke up feeling completely defeated by my narcs family, constantly surrounded by their toxicity and negativity its taking a huge toll on my mental health plus having no one on my side i feel like a loser unable to defeat them in their game. i wonder whats the point of being good? it gets us nowhere, the narcs always win. but i knw i need to continue being patient till i am able to move on from them, cut them off and live my truth
Never repay evil for evil! Raise your standards!
Thank you for your warm, kind, empathetic words, this is exactly the kind of content I needed to hear about narcissistic abuse today. I am so tired of the fighting, and particularly the tips by narcissistic abuse recovery practitioners on "how to take revenge" on the narcissist. I have never wanted any harm on anybody, and sinking to the narcissist's level would just be more of a detachment from my authentic self. I am so grateful that thanks to the awareness and the healing of my underlying trauma, I can be even more empathetic and kind than ever before. However, I now have boundaries and I know where not to waste my precious resources. If you can set and maintain boundaries, being kind and empathetic does not necessarily mean you will be taken advantage of, so you do not need to give up those qualities.
dr is bit sick. still sounds adorable n comforting.