BORED by Healthy Relationships: How to Heal Side-Effect of CPTSD & Early Trauma
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- Опубликовано: 27 июл 2024
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Adults who were traumatized as kids often have a hard time feeling "into" healthy relationships. How can you tell if the uncomfortable feeling is a trauma-related impulse you should ignore, or if your intuition is telling you to run? In this video I teach a process for discerning whether to make a serious commitment.
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I am absolutely amazed with the depth you are able to address even in the slightest manifestations of CPTSD. Most of these things would be missed by most aware survivors. Thank you for the meaningful work. It is doing wonders for my life. ❤️💙
That is wonderful to hear!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I was going to write this!!! So true!!!
Same. Thank you, CCF!
Yes, and even the nuance examples are so well thought out - love your work, CCF
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy
The fear of giving in is real too. Leaving yourself vulnerable is scary when your vulnerability has been trampled on since early childhood. So a good relationship suddenly leaves you with minimal reasons to be avoidant and unfulfilled. That's UNCOMFORTABLE for us. Being valued and loved is not what we're used to.
Good points!
-Cara@TeamFairy
The fear of giving in....wow, yes I feel that so much.
Nice point selma
🎯 🎯 🎯
My current husband of 24 years and I had separate apartments in the same complex. It worked out great. We took time to get to know each other and then got married about three years after beginning to date. We both came from abusive families. Going slow is the way to go. Fix yourself before you get into a serious relationship.
@Ana_Phylaxis nice! Much respect
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@Em-mr6wu I actually want this now after 20 years of being with my partner! I just have NO space anymore since she lost her job in March 2020 and I'm someone who NEEEEEEEEDS A LOT of space and alone time. I have no desire not to be with her, but I want my own place. Right next door down the street. lol
~When my ex & i talked about living together after he retired, i suggested he create his own space, like a 'mancave' & he felt insulted & our relationship ended soon after that~
Nothing like growing up with shitty "parents". Unfortunately, they never change nor attempt to. Much love to all of you! ❤🩹❤❤
Please, I advise everyone here not to rush into marriage or living together. If you're not ready, it will be a disaster. I made that mistake and l paid for it. I let my ex-wife rush me at warp-speed into marriage (she first mentioned it after a month). We had the wedding after only a few months of dating. I had no boundaries, and spent two years as a people pleaser. She walked out on our 2nd Anniversary. So please, take time with your relationships.
Thanks for sharing your personal experience on the topic!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow I like your point
Good advice, I was married at 17, still a child mentally and physically. Not good, but it was to escape my abusive father
I agree with taking time. Sometimes people don’t show who they are until you live with them. I moved in with my fiancé and within two weeks I saw a side that was very abusive. I left right then.
Dating him didn’t show me this or that he treated his mother that way as well.
@@DivineLightPaladin Well, a rock and a hard place... i hope that turned out fine or at least okay for you!
The struggle to feel fulfilled is so real.
I'm used to lovebombing due to childhood trauma so now I'm realizing that people who are slower to flirt and want commitment later are actually safer and potentially a better match. 😊
The relationship with my parents have improved since I'm not as enmeshed with them and going to their house every weekend .. space is healing...
Oh yes! This is so true!
For me, it is difficult to judge whether my partner is toxic or good for me and whether my relationship is healthy or harmful. I can't really trust my intuition. That's what makes it so difficult...
@Sab_Rin I understand completely, healing from CPTSD is a process that will strengthen your intuition
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes! I struggle with this also. Not trusting my own intuition.
Exactly what I experience. I'm so confused.
I'm going through the SAME EXACT THING!!!!!!
@Tracy why would you associate greater attraction with a red flag?
I always had instant attraction with someone, kind of intuitively know if I can be with that person or not on an intimate level.
But to some degree I also agree that those fated sudden and strong attractions never ended well for me. I don’t know any other way, as it never happened any other way for me really.
After 26 years unmarried together and 2 children now adult, I stepped out to do this work. I am Sam. It's been priceless. I'm still waiting for the love to come from me, while he loves me 100% and has been totally supportive throughout.
The healing is ongoing. ❤
Nice
Fantastic advice. My wife & I had a year break (living apart) at 13 years so that we could deal with our stuff. We are back living together & now fully a solid & healthy marriage. I completely empathise with your story (enmeshment, being a emotional crush to parent, people pleasing, struggle with boundaries & being unsure). Anna is right making space, being 2 seperate people who choose to be together fully & having clear boundaries makes for a happier relationship. Good luck Sam.
@Amy thanks so much for sharing your experience! So happy for both of you that it strengthened the marriage :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow that's interesting cuz usually it doesn't work out to get back together with someone that you've been with for that long I know a lot of people that have been divorced and tried to go back even if you're not divorced just being separated and it just doesn't work so kudos to you!
So the struggle to feel fulfilled is a characteristic of CPTSD?
Good grief, do the perks never stop? 🙄
Lol, apparently not :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Lol
It may NOT be a lifelong relationship after the 6 months of discernment. Always remember though, you had a shot at it in your lifetime. You got close to that and considering your CPTSD and other issues, just having the opportunity, meeting a person where there is a possibility... it's a LOT to be thankful for. Yes, painful if it doesn't work out, but be grateful you met and had time with someone where so many things DID work.
Great points!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@Tracy thanks for your thoughts, Tracy. It's not at all easy to do in practice, mostly the gratitude is lost in a tide of rejection sensitivity dysphoria, abandonment triggering fear, rage, anxiety and a sense of failure and worthlessness. But with fewer and fewer opportunities available as we grow older it helps to see any and all relationship opportunities that arise as a salve. Hopefully to help avoid thoughts of "it's too late, I'm too old now, all the secure people are in relationships, etc" calcifying into fixed beliefs after a failed attempt. And give ourselves a break - this is all difficult, complex ongoing work!
Hit me deep in the feels.💐 Could you do a followup vid for people like Sam’s partner? All I could think about was her reaction to the perceived abandonment of him moving out…how would she handle her own emotions of abandonment, anger, sadness, etc. She’ll need to address those issues herself living on her own too. All I could think was, uh oh she’s gonna lose her sh*t when he talks about leaving…I’ve worked with my own over-attachment issues so I know how she’s going to freak out bc I would have. Maybe a vid about how she can process this situation would help her and others? I 💗this channel so much!
Great suggestions, thank you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Denise
So much of this is intuitive and "normal" for regular folks. For those of us who are trying to avoid pain or loss, it's very unintuitive to look a gift horse in the mouth, or to pause. How many (multiple) married folk are in our ranks. How many times did I find some woman and think she was the paragon of female virtue, right up to the point I started finding some other woman more "appealing?" It's not a bad idea to go slowly, no matter how much I want to hurry
"Intuitive for normal folks"- they are a marvel aren't they???
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Sorry, but as a recovering alcoholic I tend to polarize things that way. I just try to avoid making the same damn mistakes again and again. Pausing and taking a breath, both in concrete terms and metaphorically help me stay on the beam.
I just took 9 months in a different house (I moved out) to decide if I wanted to keep this relationship after 2.5 years. So now at a little over 3 years, I decided to end it due to some patterns that I saw in how he relates to me. I did not feel like the patterns were going to support my needs as a cptsd person. One of the biggest was a pattern of crushing my joy. I have a hard time expressing joy to begin with and to have a partner who admitted that he was jealous of my joy was an eye opener. Now I'm dating again and trying to have fun, see and learn how people respond to my joy and my boundaries and go from there.
Sorry but if I’ve invested two and a half years into someone who doesn’t know what they want, it would be time for me to leave. I hope his girlfriend has enough self worth to leave him, it’s clearly not going anywhere.
@@jeneuweenlaf948 there has to come a time when you have make the decision that the other person cannot meet your needs and that’s ok. She shouldn’t settle for someone unsure of her making her feel worse about herself. He should have addressed that before committing to something he can’t commit to. I’m sure she’s watching Anna more than to understand him, rather to deal with the emotions of being with someone who makes you feel like they don’t want to be with you…just saying.
@@jeneuweenlaf948 and I have childhood trauma but know enough respect to not lead someone on for two years…lying a year and a half about how they “really” feel
Whoa... he didn't say he didn't want to be with her. He's identified a feeling of something missing and is exploring that in her interest as much as his own. These comments smack of rejection sensitivity and avoidance "if he questions the relationship, dump him before he dumps you." We should always be checking how we feel, investigating and exploring the choices we've made. Otherwise the very UNREAL expectation of a neutral, unconscious life being the fairytale we hope for is certain to fail, as it should!
As far as I’m aware, even people in great relationships, *without CPTSD* can go through similar phases. No relationship on this planet was ever guaranteed to work, after all, even when both people wanted the same thing.
The way I see it, if we feel ambivalent, it’s better to do something like this than plough on like everything is ok and let that emotional pressure keep building. You just end up feeling desperate and trapped which is counterproductive. Sam wants to give it the best chance to work - some people feel that ambivalence and just point blank run away.
I too find this advice suprising. I wouldn't find it too self-loving towards myself to wait out for someone after they have quit all joint arrangements. I would need us to figure things out together.
I have done the honest with myself deep diving. The payoff at the backend was priceless and keeps on giving. I use the brutal honesty tactic on myself daily. It has changed my life, my relationships and my perspective. Thank you so much for your wisdom and clear directions.
So well put!
-Cara@TeamFairy
"Boundaries is how you show up in a relationship" WELL SAID
Ive made so many mistakes because I was too shut down and unknowingly felt completely unworthy of love. I had always run away out of fear. 😪 Its too late now. Im old and sick and broke. I had to move to a country where i dont speak the language and hv to lie in bed 24/7.
THX U 4 HELPING PPL WHO STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO FIND LOVE AGAIN. 💜
So glad you're here learning new strategies :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for sharing your story, hugs from NZ listener.
I love how you use these things as teaching moments to let us know that CPTSD isn't a permanent wound but healable. Spreading your name and challel wide and far!
Thank you so much! We are happy to have you here. Jack@TeamFairy
Dang you are wise on this topic. It’s tricky.
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I totally love this advice. Sometimes the way forward is stepping back.
Especially when there are issues to straighten out and you still are committed. It doesn’t have to be the end, it can be the start of new and healthier beginning.
We seem to have this idea that we have to divorce/ leave and end relationships instead of working them out - even if it takes time and some space.
Best of wishes to Sam.
I did that. Lived separately from my boyfriend - for 8 years . This helped me and we were loyal to each other. But I couldn’t marry him even when he asked me to. What’s wrong with me ? Many years later, he moved on. 4 years later and closer to 50 I decided to try married life. I still didn’t feel immersed in it. I like my alone time.
I moved back to my home state after seeing some troubling behavior from
my fiancé. In a fit of rage he told me he was done with our relationship and would help me get back home. He also told me to “f off” when I had said earlier his tone and words sounded abusive. There were other things in the week up to this that he exhibited that scared me. He later said he wanted to take it back. He didn’t want me to leave. I stuck to my intuition that I needed out of there and fast.
Since I’ve been back in my home state he’s tried to tell me how his reaction was due to trauma and stress that he discovered during therapy. He wants to work on himself while keeping me as an option when he’s done. I said no. I also told him I need a 21 day break from talking with him. I’m in pain. Yes, and this is all so triggering. But I refuse to sit in as an “option” IF he fixes his issues. That could be years if at all. I know I’ve done my work.
Wow! I like that “21 day break idea” for getting the time you need. Sounds like you’re in the right track. How are things now?
@@holisticartsound I have nothing to do with him. He didn’t change and won’t. I’m ok alone and having fun with friends. :)
Don't leave a healthy relationship it's so rare have one 😔
Thanks for chiming in!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I agree in that if it’s healthy there can be healing within the relationship. We need others to heal as we are social creatures. Leaving can cause irreparable damage forever. How sad.
This is a great message. I am single a year and just starting to think of talking to people. Its a great reminder to take it all slow, and its not supposed to have drama whether 'good' or bad drama. I always give to much too fast including my time, and get into fantasy thinking right away. I need to time to allow reality to reinforce if my expectations are reality based. I recognize this and have done it for new friends, like gently reminding them I can or cannot do something they excitedly expect of me. It helps when both parties know and recognize the CPTSD symptoms and how to manage them. Thank you!
Really well said!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You Sound good
That suggestion broke even MY heart and I'm not even IN the relationship. 😂😭💔
I'm so glad this person wrote in with this question. I think I'd asked something similar under one of your other videos, of a letter of someone else questioning their relationship.. as it seems to be a common idea that traumatised brains find healthy realthionships boring, which I find a really unclear and unhelpful pop sentiment.
I'm really grateful to hear you unpack that with such practicle suggestions, and it helped me to understand how sensative the people pleasing pattern can be, and why it would be so good to really pay attention to our space, so that a yes can truely come from within us, and not just for external approval or comfort or not to hurt someone else etc. I can really see why living apart while staying honestly committed, just to see if we can learn to down regulate both separation anxiety and also owning our own desires and commitments and choices, is a very good way to get a body read on our instincts, as I know it's easy to get flooded with other people's vibes, and sometimes time alone, and time to enjoy the things that make us individual, gives us more richness to reconnect with again. I know this is healthy for introverts in relationships, to keep nourishing themselves independantly, so this gives me faith that it's also good for those of us with healing to do, to reestablish balance. Thank you for all the work you do Anna, it really helps alot, and I really enjoy the frankness which you approach these things with.
Really appreciate your comments and support of Anna's work!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I just found your channel and I already love it. There's so much you go through. I'm cooking or cleaning while listening to these letters one after the other. I like your wisdom and realness when giving advice to these people. I like how you validate their feelings which is one of the things we as survivors need when going through healing. Thank you so much! I will keep listening and learning. Thank you from a CPTSD survivor ❤
Thank you!
It can go either way ... You get your answer....
I’m so glad I came across your video. I’m in a situation where I was upset I didn’t get the outcome I wanted yet I’m so cloudy minded that I need to sort out those feelings and reasonings. I guess my survivor instincts kicked in and panicked and started to use those as ways out for me to escape possible hurt.
I’m in a long distance situation. We briefly talked a few years ago and noticed he had an interest in me. I was recently single so I knew I had to not continue on and heal myself. I wasn’t thinking about him and left the conversations cold but I did heal.
We had each other on our socials but I didn’t have my eyes open. Until this past May, I wanted to simply say hi. Well, conversation picked up and he quickly suggested we make plans to meet and make it a vacation. I waited a tad bit to see if he was interested and he booked his flight. That moment, I allowed myself to feel those emotions and booked right along with him.
We would call and FaceTime and text about our lives and share parts of us.
However, I think this is where it got messy. I allowed myself to set expectations because he got really busy and started to pull away. So much so that I tried to communicate this and he apologized but continued to say things are getting messy and busy in his end but we should slow things thing.
Those moments put me in defense mode because my past experiences were coming up and causing insecurities.
I knew he was continuing to reach out but not as before yet had the time to post on his socials.
I felt disrespected since I was getting the “sorry I’m super busy” messages and he was posting pictures of himself on socials.
I had enough and mentioned that we should only remain friends and after this trip we have in Oct, we can part ways. He apologizes and respected my decisions with no explanations of his feelings or wants with me.
He did however reach out to say he apologizes for the distance and sends me hugs but when the time comes, he’ll share what is going on.
Watching this video makes me feel a lot better of the situation.
Yes, I probably didn’t consider that I should be slower on this connection with him because ultimately, we haven’t met yet.
Also I feel that he genuinely whats to get to know me, but in person.
It’s my attachment style where it involves being anxious and now slightly avoidant. I also have a black and white mentally where it’s extremely left or right, no grey areas. I was told to allow for my grey areas
My mom is the oldest and I’m the oldest as well so I can see where her people pleasing traits passed down to me. This includes not easily expressing emotions.
I am not sure how this 10day trip with this person will go and a part of me wants to avoid those conversations but ultimately the goal would be is have the mind set of just friends and enjoy the time off work.
I know I’ll be watching this video a few more times to feel more comfortable.
Thank you again ❤️
Glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
freaking hell right on time! I needed this... thank you!!!
I'm so glad it helped :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Your videos are like hugs from divinity. Even if I’m having a tantrum, I feel the love and tough love well. You are loved!!!!! A true fairy!!
Thanks so much for sending Anna the love
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy @Cara you deserve some too! Admin tasks and reaching out to the public is super tough! Thank YOU too!!!
investigating into our decisions and behaviours so that we get to be aware of what are the underlying (unconscious) tendencies is a very healthy thing to do. On a continuous basis
Well said :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Your insight and advice is INVALUABLE 🙏🙏🙏🙂Thanxs a Million 💜
Thanks so much for saying so
-Cara@TeamFairy
This actually helped thanks❤
Great sweater analogy!! Hard to hear, but so true.
Yes, hardest thing. But best sometimes.
Thank you Ann runkle. You are a blessing in this world towards me and many people. A new counseling awareness in a new path of healing story's. 😺🌞👍🤗🦋💗🤙😉
Thank you so much for supporting the channel!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Love your channel
It lead me to a therapist who uses, among many things, IFS and it's amazing
God bless
Glad you are getting what you need!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Its all boundaries :)) I hate it when I get enmeshed with people and lose the value of our relationship. I forget to keep withing boundaries sometimes and it sucks
Yeah unfortunately since I met my husband I have struggled to be emotionally faithful which I am quite ashamed about.
But all the stuff about limerance and all these videos really help sort out what is truly real and important.
Currently all is well and we’re happy 😊
Thank you🙏This helped me a lot💖
Glad to hear that!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Your Service to Humanity is Profound 🙏
(blushing). Thank you.
I use to be like her, manipulative. The depression and chronic illness can come from trying to keep him in a constant state of pity to keep him connected to her. I did anything to keep sympathy to keep him from leaving me.
She needs to get help for herself so that she can stop fearfully manipulating him out of fear of abandonment.
He can get all the help he needs but if she's still unhealthy, how's that going to work? She'll suck the life out of him. She needs to get help in order to have a healthy relationship. It sounds like he's met someone just like his mother.
That’s right
To be honest, I'm not sure about this advice. Moving out after living together seems unfair to his gf and like a possible end to the relationship. I think it would be better to go to therapy and take time to himself to think but not actually move out. A clean breakup or a period of therapy with continued commitment seems healthier than a state of limbo. I am probably biased though because if I was the girlfriend, I would not be willing to live separately after living together. I think it would be a boundary/ deal breaker for me.
Appreciate your thoughts!
-Cara@TeamFairy
But living with somebody who has these unsure thoughts is going to eventually crumble unless he does take the time to really think it through and get the help that he needs to be able to fully commit. I would much rather move apart lovingly give him the space that he needs and then after six months either began dating again and be very clear with boundaries and communication and all that that is important in a relationship or Officially break up. I used to be codependent and the idea of living alone terrified me but living in an unhealthy broken relationship is far worse in my opinion.
@@kimberlykay1495 I actually agree with you. And I can certainly relate to struggling with codependence! I don't think living with an uncertain partner is good for the girlfriend. But I'm just not sure about the six month trial period. It could feel like getting strung along through a slow end. But I really don't know. It depends a lot on the individuals and the specific relationship. (I had an ex once who was not as committed and didn't want to live together. I wish I had broken up with him much sooner instead of waiting around in a codependent limbo.)
I agree - please see my comment under the video.
Wow! Thank you!
Thank you for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you so much.
Always welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I took a step back in a poly relationship and thought I was going to lose this great guy, but it made me see how codependent I was with him. I'm leaning a little more on my husband and building a better friendship with my poly relationship. Talk about a major need to work on myself and the physiological triggers!! It's a major leap of faith and fear facer.
Thank you so much. You are a wise person. I have learned so much from you.
Thanks so much for being part of the channel
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is me. I stay confused. I'm listening for all your help.
A recommended book: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum.
I would recommend CODA or other support groups could be helpful to keep this relationship afloat...
Great suggestion!
-Cara@TeamFairy
What is CODA?
Very helpful
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
That was my wife's complaint. I was the "nice guy" she loved. We are both trauma survivors. When we opened up our marriage, she said she was only interested in dating scumbags and guys who were cheating on their partners. She was steadfast on this.
I told her we're done. She should be moving out soon. It was the most painful decision I've ever had to make.
That's a helluva irreconcilable difference. And heartbreaking. 💔
I'm so sorry to hear that. We're all sending you support and encouragement. -Calista@TeamFairy
This is so informative!
Thanks for dropping by @Evan_Carmicahel_Family
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this video. God bless you.
I'm so glad it was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I just love you, Anna. I could be her, having ADD, depression, often, and morbus chrons, addicted to somebody helping me, i could have been him too. Caring but confused and bored. I do agree so much about what you told him. If i was her, i would have needed his earnesness more than him pretending to be me. Right guy. Love you Anna, you are such a blessing, my online special therapist!!!🥰🤗🥰
I married someone for papers.. i got along with him and we attempted to make the marriage real.. he did everything right but gradually i still wanted out of the marriage..
He also wanted kids and i dont feel like im able to keep from passing down the dysfunction..
It's a good thing to know what you can and can't handle, doesn't mean it won't ever change :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
oof. i knew my family background of neglect and abuse keyed me against having a healthy relationship. the times i came close, it always felt boring or wrong or gloom-and-doom or i can't connect or numb or all of the above.... it really helps to have the situation validated and rational roadmaps forward offered. now all i need is to meet someone mutually interested and suitable. :)
But all those feelings are literally recordings from childhood , they are old
I'm here from Therapy in a Nutshell! Wow 22 seconds in and I'm already crying.... Is it possible to have these feelings and experiences without "childhood" PTSD? I had multiple abusive relationships in my young adult years and I think they scarred me deeper than I realized....
Yes, absolutely possible. You're in the right place.
Yes
Holy canoli. Im so glad i found you
We're so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Sounds like good thinking 99
Yes .you Just can't put your finger on it
Right!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My girlfriend left me 1 day after i said i loved her. I think she got bored. She said i acted rude, but i treated she like i never treated anybody but my family.
Great tips💯
Every moment of unhappiness in our lives is asking us to change . Allow that change to happen. When we transform, we grow -- Maitreya Dadashreeji
Love, peace and joy to everyone reading my comment❤️❤️❤️
Thanks!
Yes....
Thanks for being here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I just met someone and we have been on a few dates (3). He is very attentive and attuned. And I am already finding myself nit picking(he is a little shorter than me) and losing attraction to him. I am fearful avoidant and I want to be attracted to people who show up.
Great topic. It nails such a niche feeling that I’ve been struggling with. I’m not sure if you meant to mention “Sam’s” name, right after they asked to be anonymous 😅 @2:18
Think it’s a fake name!
This one didn't resonate with me at all. I think this idea that you have to put yourself in a "timeout" from relationship, step away or put your partner on "layaway" is itself a trauma response. Relationships are the most fertile ground for healing work - if you can't work out boundary issues in them, then when? If Sam is avoidant than this advice seems to enable his issues worse. And what if Sam's girlfriend wrote in to Anna about her distant, uncertain boyfriend? Why 6 months? Why not some weekend sabbaticals and getting hobbies or 2nd jobs while working things out and getting some perspective? Similar advice like "take time to grieve", "you're not ready to date yet", "wait this many months before dating again" was all very self-punishing to me and bled my life away while I wait to finally meet someone and start a family (37 going on 38). Trauma response! CPTSD is not a life sentence.
If you are healthy and have good boundaries there's no need to pull out or pull back and be in timeout. Relationships are the prime area to work this out and get strong. Two and half years is a long time already so asking his girlfriend to be "on hold" or "hang in there" for another half year is unreasonable. And I think terms like "enmeshment" are unhelpful. Whether anxious, avoidant or secure we are all attached - it's natural - and there's nothing wrong going headlong into relationship with support, facing our fears. Everything Anna told him are things he could be talking about with his girlfriend without leaving and really stoking anxiety. Again, why not some sabbaticals or hobbies instead, which is what healthy married people do? When a married person moves out, we call it a separation and it's often a signal of an ending instead of an active reunion.
If anyone wants a different perspective here are 3 resources (that also align with a lot of Anna's work): Sheryl Paul of Conscious Transition blog who specifically works with people who have Relationship OCD which may be what Sam has, if he has a healthy relationship otherwise. It's the intrusive compulsion to think you're in the wrong relationship. Margaret Paul of Inner Bonding who advocates working on your part of relationship issues and not leaving until it's complete. And, The Gottman Institute which advocates attachment, intimacy and security. Also Sue Johnson who wrote Hold Me Tight.
This is a great comment. And yes relationship OCD is a possibility. I think I've dealt with it in the past and the best solution was to realize I was in a good relationship and see love as a conscious choice.
I think this has something to do with hid girlfriend who is also not very healthy
Having depression adhd and physical illness is somewhere playing a part in this all
Geesh this person is feels like I do exactly!!!!! 😭
I disagree with the advice. Why can't the couple/just Sam go to therapy instead of stirring up the separation drama?
@@jeneuweenlaf948 That's not very fair on the other person though is it.
@Tracy But again, that's a lot of burden to put on the partner who is committed. The issue is with Sam. He is the one that is full of doubt, so he is the one that should either make the choice to end the relationship or make the choice to commit, and be true to that. It's not fair to toy with people.
Exactly, though I’m getting more heat for saying it! 😂 we don’t know the full dynamic of their relationship and it feels manipulative especially when he admits to not telling her how he really feels, drives that separation anxiety through the roof, and ultimately, that’s not fair to his gf. It wouldn’t be fair to any potential partner and something HE needs to deal with before he spends years with someone he can’t see himself committing to.
See my comment under the video
Maybe an anna consult is a new healthy oprion..im.63 and feeling stuck at a juncture i feel i need an adjustment..like chiropractor..a nudge for a new path..a new break..a new relief
Come see us in membership, Anna does twice monthly group mini coaching - we have a lot going on :) bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
Find myself in constant dysregulation.. my brain goes into block mode and I cannot learn, concentrate and I begin to feel very distrustful
We have techniques for regulating, The best one is a free course called the Daily Practice bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
What about if you’re already married, over 10 years in, and struggling with those same Sam feelings?
The Dating & Relationships course might re-inspire you a bit. It is not designed only for those embarking on new relationships courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
Is this why I find problems and run away?
Could be
-Cara@TeamFairy
ugh, II think that's what I've been feeling.
Thanks for being here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Um... Please don't use my name. "So Thank you Sam?!" I hope you used an alias for this guy!!
Literally! I was like 😳😳😳
My wife and I both have CPTSD and need to practice the separate living advice but we are no where near financially able to do so especially with two kids so even if we did divorce we would have to still live together
Start with Daily Practice, it's a great beginning to healing and discovering solutions we couldn't see before bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
Don’t mistake stable as boring.
I have ONE relationship outside the place thats sucking the life out of me an old friend who doing much better then me now. My old drinking buddy who seems to be doing alright for himself.
Do you think this can be done but still agreeing to be partners? I’m on the side of Sam in my life and there’s been an issue of an ex partner creating some confusing feelings for them.
I think this could work for our relationship but can I also set any of my own boundaries without messing up the whole point of setting boundaries this way? I think continuing to be boyfriend and girlfriend but being separated would be the best compromise.
In the video it wasn’t very clear to me. Thank you!!
How complicated when you come from a lot of trauma from my childhood and unfortunately added with a toxic 24 years marriage. I am out now, but for few months it is like living a nightmare mentally. Can you help
And still empty..? It means we need God.
Amen - the human heart has a hole only God can fill❤️
I called it the wasteland.
Inside I am cold and empty and outside all I see is a wasteland.
Wow
❤️
What kind of delay before moving in? At what point would you know? I haven't been in that kind of situation yet, but I'd rather not screw it up if I do.
I've done it a lot of ways in my life, and kept getting unhappy results. This time I dated someone for three years before getting engaged, then moved in just in time for our wedding two years later. Whole different thing, still happily married.
I am engaged to marry an amazing man. But I can't seem to accept his lobe no matter how hard I try. I feel so broken
I am stressed over an older narcassitic type man who wants to provide surbival stuff but tells me he is committed to no one..4 yesrs of this processing agony and when im there he doessnt return the calls of the other woman who he alternates me with..ugggghhhhh
Thanks for sharing with us
-Cara@TeamFairy
Does PTSD make you legalistic or have moral style OCD such as scrupulosity?
It can make you controlling, but I'm not sure that's what you're talking about...
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I grew up with a religious family, where they were authortian.
Scrupulosity is a form of OCD of trying to avoid trouble or sin and it can convict you of bad things even from the past. Scrupulosity applies to doings, thoughts and etc as result of religious or moral upbringing where you was taught i.e. having bad thoughts are evil and you will be condemned for it with high levels of guilt or shame.
Harm OCD certainly will play havoc on this too. Some people think of Blastphemous thoughts as well.
I think its where you have idea, that you have please either God or someone else to gain acceptance. I have this quite bad which lead to the CPN coming to my flat for not eating for 4 days. It may be do with not being able to self forgive as well.
Is borderline personality disorder on the same spectrum as cptsd?
No offence but sam sounds like hard hard work and I would run a mile esp illy if he had no therapy before this relationship. That can't tell you everything about their problems in a few sentences but that combination of people pleasing and not knowing if he really is confusing love for obligation feelings ( and GUILT FROM HIS MOTHER AND CHILDJOOD ) that's a horrible thing to deal with for any partner regardless of gender. it's also really hard work for a guy to work on that stuff and they usually won't. Sadly guys with mothers like this stay unmarried
Did she say thank you Sam after the letter said keep this anonymous? 🤨
I change everyone's name, and then use that name.
That some women are finally willing at the end to solve their emotional problems, instead of throwing everything on guys. Is wonderful, and shows strenght, but fact is, if I want a guy to live a wonderful life in this era. Telling them to be a good, healthy person. Is just horrific. Guys will go through big problems, if they are nice. Is what it is, be toxic to have a good life my dudes. If women change, wonderful, if they don't. Oh well, maybe after 1000 years, pretty sure the next nation(s) that becomes world leaders, will not want to deal with this shtshow
I have no feelings
I hear you. Daily Practice is a good tool to help sort out things like this. Give it a try if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
🙌👍❣️
Thank you for being here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Woman will probably find some new bad boy/drug addict during the "separation" period and run away with him. I have seen it several times.
Also if you share this question, please dont use my name.
....
"So thank you Sam for your question!"
@MothraVsTheWorld Sam was an alias as Anna mentioned at the beginning :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I usually agree with Fairy, but not this time. To "Wishy Washy Sam's" girlfriend, I would say that if he truly loved you and saw you as "The One," he wouldn't be having these doubts and risk losing you by taking a break. Let him take his clarity break, but don't wait around for him to decide if he wants you or not. Date other people...he has lost the right to expect exclusivity from you; he hasn't even committed to you after all this time for goodness sake. Respect yourself! You deserve someone who is sure about you, my dear, especially after having lived with you already. You're just setting yourself up to get hurt further. I'm sorry this is happening to you. You sound like a sweet lady who deserves a man who makes her feel secure in his love for you. Hugs.
Not to sound cliche, but healthy relationships only exist in Hallmark movies.
I really think you are right.
@Daniel_C would have agreed with that statement and believed it to the death, but it's not my experience now :)
-Cara@TeamFairy