Providing is not only monetary. It's also providing an emotional support, hearing her, validating her concerns, letting her know that she is loved by him being there for her. He doesn't have to always agree with her, but he still should be respectful to her by at least hearing her concerns.
Right, he's not saying the man needs to be providing more financially, he means of the man is doing it right, he's the provider of the home. Even if he's not bringing in a dollar. He's the dad. He's the rock of the home.
He speaks in a style that's very stark. There is a lot of wisdom in what he is saying but it can be confusing. He says love is the icing, have the cake first. I understood that to mean that by focusing on the other person and not on yourself - how can I be there for you, what can I do for you - by thinking of your spouse - you are building the love. That's why it's the icing. It's the thing that comes in last, not first. If you have a liking for the person, there is a physical attraction, and you are on the same page with the kind of home you want to build, then the love will grow because you will become like one person. Because both of you will be doing for each other and therefore you will become closer. But it wasn't necessarily there to begin with. But all of these things are the ingredients that make the cake that is your marriage.
For what you said about your wife making more money that is not the only way to provide you can be the provider in many other ways such as giving her the confidence and security to know that you are taking responsibility for what needs to get done and that it’s not on her shoulders to be responsible.
I think the airplane argument points out something else too, the reason they need to specifically state on every single flight "make sure to affix your own mask before assisting others" is because INSTINCTIVELY, we'd be inclined to help others first.
You and Rabbi Friedman are pretty much saying the same thing about marrying for marriage, not love. You get married to create a unity. By being united, you can create this powerful "love." If you marry someone just because you fall in love, what happens when you get bored of them or angry at them and don't feel like you love them anymore? The marriage is gone. When you go into a marriage as a unit, you can keep that love alive.
Love is a nice thing, but it can be fleeting. There are good days and bad days. Therefore the foundation of marriage can't only be love. It think that's the main point
1. i'm sure they meet together w/ Rabbi Manis afterwards. 2. re your point about the woman being the bread-winner, this is often the case when the husband is still studying. 3. remember this is Rabbi Manis' approach; his interpretation is not necessarily everyone's [rabbis or religious persons]. 4. ur absolutely right that there are different types of love [they're listed in a classic work, The Way of the Righteous]. Rabbi Manis would surely not argue on that. [see my next point.] 5. I agree with you: all types of bonding need love and love is the ingredient of life. It may be a case of semantics. Rabbi Manis seems to be referring to a romantic [or sexual] attachment, or to an interest and pleasure in something; both are, at their base, selfish. You, on the other hand, refer [i think] to a deep and emotional care of the person, an intense feeling of deep affection.
Regarding your question about why they don't have the session together: the session isn't a couple therapy session. It's essentially a conversation about sex, not marriage. And before marriage, they theoretically don't talk about sex together. Every rabbi does it differently and had their own approach to have the conversation. Some talk about the holiness of sex and how to keep it holy and the laws around it, some talk about practical things like how to do it, some talk about strictly whats allowed and what isnt, etc. When I got married, the rabbi talked about love, intimacy, sex, and how sex and being able to communicate about your sex life freely as if you're talking about a tv show over dinner, is the cornerstone of the marriage. Everyones perspective is different and I dont think any one perspective is "the" Jewish perspective
- 4:00 - he's not talking about providing monitarily, more like being the leader, give the tone, being that "rock" he mentioned before. - 8:15 - I think that the unabilty to separate between the those terms "love" and "intimacy" is part of the problem. Intimacy is part of the love, but if you're looking for love nd get married for that, then intimacy becomes just a way to chieve that love, rather than an outcome of love, so you don't really experience a real intimacy. - 14:00 - I think what he's saying is that of course you want to be happy and marry someone you're happy to be around, but once you already chose someone and got married - now, what's not to love? You're together, now you love all of him/her, and now you both work to love and make both of your lives good.
Love is giving. Giving is love. Nowadays love is just a word. The love he is talking about is the fake love. The more we give to our spouse, is all wjat you give to yourself.... because we are one.
He's saying marry because you believe in marriage. Obviously marry someone you WANT to spend the rest of your life with. After that, work to keep that relationship happy and don't focus on either the sex or the "butterflies" aspects. I think Maslow's pyramid is a good point. Marriage builds on feeding the most basic part, not being on your own, understanding you need someone with you, and not the self actualization of having a relationship or falling in love.
I think what he is trying to say is that you shouldn't marry for love meaning, don't get married *only* for love because if you do that, what will happen if one day you don't feel that love then it becomes worthless. But if you believe in the value of marriage, it will make you much more willing to invest in your marriage. Because we all are not perfect and have our shortcomings and also just simply have up times and down times, so to be able to stick with one marriage for your whole life demands a lot of will power and the feeling that this is the most precious thing I have in my life and I have to make it work the best possible way even if it doesn't seem so good at times, but this person I married is worth all the hard work in the world.
I'm not sure you will still be seeing this comment but I want to mention that I think Rabbi Manis is using the word love where you would put the word romance. of course you should love your spouse, you better. it is actually essential in the relationship and love is attainable and you can learn to love and grow your love and develop unconditional love if you're committed to the relationship. conditional love, is narcissistic love, if i may mention, and turns the relationship all about me and what am i getting out of this marriage and what do I like "about" my spouse and about the "things" my spose brings to the table. so the question is, what is the definition of love in this relationship? its the unity of marriage. its the loyalty of the relationship, the sacredness of the oneness. its the vulnerability of going from being your own person to merging with another thereby creating a brand new unit of one. and from this commitment you focus to develop a deep love and yes have a great time enjoying each others strengths and personalities. at the same time, if you have the proper approach to marriage, the relationship will not be so challenged by the imperfections and shortcomings of your spouse because the base of your marriage is not being threatened. you actually will come to appreciate the quirks and humanistic part of your spouse because its yours. (I'm not talking about abuse here, obviously) on the other hand, the Hollywood myth of omg I'm so in love just by existing without any investment is setting yourself up for disappointment. That infatuated high will dissipate when real life sets in and all you are left with is shattered dreams.
Your not disagreeing with him on the love aspect. All he's saying is if your focused on marriage love is not a prerequisite. If everything else checks out, go ahead with it and love happen as time goes on. (He doesn't believe in love at first sight in other words. No surprises there ;))
17:05 exactly that's what he is saying love should not be THE reason why you want to marry her but it is aloud to be ONE reason you don't have to live your whole life with someone you don't like but getting married because you love someone now is wrong because love can dissappear and when it dissappears there is nothing left for the 2 together
Say someone is Chabad Chassidic and they get engaged after approximately 15 dates, they didn’t fall in love, they have to have feelings for each other, but they are marrying with the knowledge that they are committed to each other with matching values and knowing that this will bring the deeper love.
When couples are having arguments and issues in their marriage, if they go back to thinking, why did I marry this person, and they know they married them for themselves, their soul which doesn’t change, if they are not abusive and there are just annoying behaviors they can really see that the person’s real self is still there and work through the issues with help if needed, but when you have the basis of your major on that foundation, the loving feeling can come and go and that’s ok it’s a cycle, and it gets stronger the more effort they both put in.
he doesn't need to provide only monetarily , he has to provide emotionally, physically or any other aspect of the relationship. in some religious communities most women earn more that the man (the man studies torah instead of working) and he still has many more ways to provide for us.
About the idea of marriage being a religious concept, why would someone get married? Why is marriage a thing? Why not just live together and have kids? Because God says that is how it should be :)
These concepts can be very difficult for people to wrap their head around, it’s a total different way of looking at marriage and love than the rest of the world, I can see it’s hard for you and Peter and probably many many people to see it in this light, but if you look at how marriage goes in western society it’s not in a good direction, obviously something has to be different to get better outcomes. There is a reason we have such long lasting commuted marriages in the Jewish community, I’m sure if you speak to Indians who have somewhat of a similar system, though they have arranged marriages while we have arranged dates, they also have good outcomes with their marriage.
The true meaning of love does bring to intimacy. He's talking about the pop culture meaning of love which can be selfish and fleeting. The word love in Hebrew is Ahava, which comes from the word Hav, giving. True love is more about the other person, it's how can I give to the other. This level of love definitely brings to intimacy. Also, I think it's unfair to compare marriage today to the past. Back in Europe, our ancestors got married for survival, safety. We live in a different world now... love is very important!
Yes, love is a very important feeling, but most people nowadays have been brought up on tv and Hollywood movies, most people are basing what they think the ultimate in life is based on what society is dictating, they don’t even realize how entrenched the ideas have become. Also, Judaism is very different than other religions, our purpose in life and the world is to make the world a better place, to bring G-dliness down to this world, not to be loved by G-d, though it is a wonderful added benefit. Jews don’t believe in turning the other cheek, and love is love. We believe that you can use love for the right reasons. Manis Friedman I believe is saying what’s not said in society about relationships, obviously love is important but the real love comes through commitment, and he is calling that intimacy.
A key point of the Hassidic community is getting married at a young age where the couple still has room to grow in maturity etc So when they're fighting and after that getting along with each other, you have a really happy feeling and the relationship between those two are being tied really tight. Love is not the key point in marriage, it's about being married and like the goods and live with the bad parts of each other. That's a real relationship @PortuguesePai
Providing is not only monetary. It's also providing an emotional support, hearing her, validating her concerns, letting her know that she is loved by him being there for her. He doesn't have to always agree with her, but he still should be respectful to her by at least hearing her concerns.
by providing he meant- verbally ( loving words etc) physically ( hugs etc) emotionally ( safety etc etc)
Yeah, he's not saying they never talk together, he's just saying at first he speaks to them separately
Right, he's not saying the man needs to be providing more financially, he means of the man is doing it right, he's the provider of the home. Even if he's not bringing in a dollar.
He's the dad. He's the rock of the home.
He speaks in a style that's very stark. There is a lot of wisdom in what he is saying but it can be confusing. He says love is the icing, have the cake first. I understood that to mean that by focusing on the other person and not on yourself - how can I be there for you, what can I do for you - by thinking of your spouse - you are building the love. That's why it's the icing. It's the thing that comes in last, not first. If you have a liking for the person, there is a physical attraction, and you are on the same page with the kind of home you want to build, then the love will grow because you will become like one person. Because both of you will be doing for each other and therefore you will become closer. But it wasn't necessarily there to begin with. But all of these things are the ingredients that make the cake that is your marriage.
He doesn't mean "provider" from a money standpoint. He says so himself in other videos. Provider is role taken on by the male
For what you said about your wife making more money that is not the only way to provide you can be the provider in many other ways such as giving her the confidence and security to know that you are taking responsibility for what needs to get done and that it’s not on her shoulders to be responsible.
I think the airplane argument points out something else too, the reason they need to specifically state on every single flight "make sure to affix your own mask before assisting others" is because INSTINCTIVELY, we'd be inclined to help others first.
You and Rabbi Friedman are pretty much saying the same thing about marrying for marriage, not love. You get married to create a unity. By being united, you can create this powerful "love." If you marry someone just because you fall in love, what happens when you get bored of them or angry at them and don't feel like you love them anymore? The marriage is gone. When you go into a marriage as a unit, you can keep that love alive.
"providing" - doesn't mean only through money, it's the motion of being a provider vs a receiver
Love is a nice thing, but it can be fleeting. There are good days and bad days. Therefore the foundation of marriage can't only be love. It think that's the main point
Helping the RUclips algorithm
1. i'm sure they meet together w/ Rabbi Manis afterwards. 2. re your point about the woman being the bread-winner, this is often the case when the husband is still studying. 3. remember this is Rabbi Manis' approach; his interpretation is not necessarily everyone's [rabbis or religious persons]. 4. ur absolutely right that there are different types of love [they're listed in a classic work, The Way of the Righteous]. Rabbi Manis would surely not argue on that. [see my next point.] 5. I agree with you: all types of bonding need love and love is the ingredient of life. It may be a case of semantics. Rabbi Manis seems to be referring to a romantic [or sexual] attachment, or to an interest and pleasure in something; both are, at their base, selfish. You, on the other hand, refer [i think] to a deep and emotional care of the person, an intense feeling of deep affection.
18:44 Thanks for your genuineness
Regarding your question about why they don't have the session together: the session isn't a couple therapy session. It's essentially a conversation about sex, not marriage. And before marriage, they theoretically don't talk about sex together. Every rabbi does it differently and had their own approach to have the conversation. Some talk about the holiness of sex and how to keep it holy and the laws around it, some talk about practical things like how to do it, some talk about strictly whats allowed and what isnt, etc. When I got married, the rabbi talked about love, intimacy, sex, and how sex and being able to communicate about your sex life freely as if you're talking about a tv show over dinner, is the cornerstone of the marriage. Everyones perspective is different and I dont think any one perspective is "the" Jewish perspective
When is the Portuguese Pai merch store opening? First t shirt.....
"Ooohkay, sooo"
🤣
Haha, believe it or not there has always been a merch store. I think I just closed it a while back. Might have to reopen it with that idea 😆🤣
- 4:00 - he's not talking about providing monitarily, more like being the leader, give the tone, being that "rock" he mentioned before.
- 8:15 - I think that the unabilty to separate between the those terms "love" and "intimacy" is part of the problem. Intimacy is part of the love, but if you're looking for love nd get married for that, then intimacy becomes just a way to chieve that love, rather than an outcome of love, so you don't really experience a real intimacy.
- 14:00 - I think what he's saying is that of course you want to be happy and marry someone you're happy to be around, but once you already chose someone and got married - now, what's not to love? You're together, now you love all of him/her, and now you both work to love and make both of your lives good.
Love is giving. Giving is love. Nowadays love is just a word. The love he is talking about is the fake love. The more we give to our spouse, is all wjat you give to yourself.... because we are one.
He's saying marry because you believe in marriage. Obviously marry someone you WANT to spend the rest of your life with. After that, work to keep that relationship happy and don't focus on either the sex or the "butterflies" aspects.
I think Maslow's pyramid is a good point. Marriage builds on feeding the most basic part, not being on your own, understanding you need someone with you, and not the self actualization of having a relationship or falling in love.
I think what he is trying to say is that you shouldn't marry for love meaning, don't get married *only* for love because if you do that, what will happen if one day you don't feel that love then it becomes worthless.
But if you believe in the value of marriage, it will make you much more willing to invest in your marriage.
Because we all are not perfect and have our shortcomings and also just simply have up times and down times, so to be able to stick with one marriage for your whole life demands a lot of will power and the feeling that this is the most precious thing I have in my life and I have to make it work the best possible way even if it doesn't seem so good at times, but this person I married is worth all the hard work in the world.
I'm not sure you will still be seeing this comment but I want to mention that I think Rabbi Manis is using the word love where you would put the word romance. of course you should love your spouse, you better. it is actually essential in the relationship and love is attainable and you can learn to love and grow your love and develop unconditional love if you're committed to the relationship. conditional love, is narcissistic love, if i may mention, and turns the relationship all about me and what am i getting out of this marriage and what do I like "about" my spouse and about the "things" my spose brings to the table.
so the question is, what is the definition of love in this relationship?
its the unity of marriage. its the loyalty of the relationship, the sacredness of the oneness. its the vulnerability of going from being your own person to merging with another thereby creating a brand new unit of one. and from this commitment you focus to develop a deep love and yes have a great time enjoying each others strengths and personalities. at the same time, if you have the proper approach to marriage, the relationship will not be so challenged by the imperfections and shortcomings of your spouse because the base of your marriage is not being threatened. you actually will come to appreciate the quirks and humanistic part of your spouse because its yours. (I'm not talking about abuse here, obviously)
on the other hand, the Hollywood myth of omg I'm so in love just by existing without any investment is setting yourself up for disappointment. That infatuated high will dissipate when real life sets in and all you are left with is shattered dreams.
He's saying love is a feeling that should result from someone being important to you, it shouldn't be THE REASON the person is important to you
Your not disagreeing with him on the love aspect. All he's saying is if your focused on marriage love is not a prerequisite. If everything else checks out, go ahead with it and love happen as time goes on. (He doesn't believe in love at first sight in other words. No surprises there ;))
I love your work!!!
You should check out Skulen Medley, it has a few of the best voices of Jewish music, trust me, you won't regret it
17:05 exactly that's what he is saying love should not be THE reason why you want to marry her but it is aloud to be ONE reason you don't have to live your whole life with someone you don't like but getting married because you love someone now is wrong because love can dissappear and when it dissappears there is nothing left for the 2 together
Rabbi Manis has a very popular theme that even in religion, we don't need to be loved by God as much as we need to be useful to God.
Chasidim in general get married for the sake of marriage. Love is being built after to enjoy life more.
Say someone is Chabad Chassidic and they get engaged after approximately 15 dates, they didn’t fall in love, they have to have feelings for each other, but they are marrying with the knowledge that they are committed to each other with matching values and knowing that this will bring the deeper love.
Providing doesn’t mean only money… of course providing also means affection etc…
When couples are having arguments and issues in their marriage, if they go back to thinking, why did I marry this person, and they know they married them for themselves, their soul which doesn’t change, if they are not abusive and there are just annoying behaviors they can really see that the person’s real self is still there and work through the issues with help if needed, but when you have the basis of your major on that foundation, the loving feeling can come and go and that’s ok it’s a cycle, and it gets stronger the more effort they both put in.
he doesn't need to provide only monetarily , he has to provide emotionally, physically or any other aspect of the relationship.
in some religious communities most women earn more that the man (the man studies torah instead of working) and he still has many more ways to provide for us.
we do have some parts together as a couple but most is separate
About the idea of marriage being a religious concept, why would someone get married? Why is marriage a thing? Why not just live together and have kids?
Because God says that is how it should be :)
These concepts can be very difficult for people to wrap their head around, it’s a total different way of looking at marriage and love than the rest of the world, I can see it’s hard for you and Peter and probably many many people to see it in this light, but if you look at how marriage goes in western society it’s not in a good direction, obviously something has to be different to get better outcomes. There is a reason we have such long lasting commuted marriages in the Jewish community, I’m sure if you speak to Indians who have somewhat of a similar system, though they have arranged marriages while we have arranged dates, they also have good outcomes with their marriage.
The true meaning of love does bring to intimacy. He's talking about the pop culture meaning of love which can be selfish and fleeting. The word love in Hebrew is Ahava, which comes from the word Hav, giving. True love is more about the other person, it's how can I give to the other. This level of love definitely brings to intimacy.
Also, I think it's unfair to compare marriage today to the past. Back in Europe, our ancestors got married for survival, safety. We live in a different world now... love is very important!
Yes, love is a very important feeling, but most people nowadays have been brought up on tv and Hollywood movies, most people are basing what they think the ultimate in life is based on what society is dictating, they don’t even realize how entrenched the ideas have become. Also, Judaism is very different than other religions, our purpose in life and the world is to make the world a better place, to bring G-dliness down to this world, not to be loved by G-d, though it is a wonderful added benefit. Jews don’t believe in turning the other cheek, and love is love. We believe that you can use love for the right reasons. Manis Friedman I believe is saying what’s not said in society about relationships, obviously love is important but the real love comes through commitment, and he is calling that intimacy.
He is not talking about money at all
A key point of the Hassidic community is getting married at a young age where the couple still has room to grow in maturity etc
So when they're fighting and after that getting along with each other, you have a really happy feeling and the relationship between those two are being tied really tight.
Love is not the key point in marriage, it's about being married and like the goods and live with the bad parts of each other. That's a real relationship
@PortuguesePai
Hey, could you please react to the music video by the yeshiva boy's choir. Daddy come home?