Thank you for stepping up for avoidants. We're actually 'desperate' for love and the patience and acceptance that comes with it. Imagine not getting love from either parent. Replaced with (in my case) insecurity, scorn, violence and neglect. That adult child is given no template for how to give or receive love. Now imagine an anxious partner demanding constancy while not providing it. You love them and want to give them what they want but it feels like you're feeding an insatiable maw that will consume you - only to spit you out.
Stop validating your negative behaviors. Negative behaviors= negative behaviors. If anyone reads this, its true what everyone says, dont fall for that avoidant trap. Theyll seem secure at first, pretend like their victim of their exes, and youd wanna show them what genuine love feels like. But they can't handle that, they'll push you away and make you feel trash. They have 0 sentimental value. What kind of relationship do you wanna be in where the other person can just discard you in an instant Dont get me wrong, the time you'll spent together is fun and can be loving, its the avoidant's ability to discard anyone so abruptly, without any second thoughts. Mark my words, if you date an avoidant, youre just putting yourself in a ticking timer to be thrown out like trash in an instant, without explanation, everything done blindedly
I wasn't anxious until I marrried someone like this. My wife loved me until she didn't, and it was suddenly like I never existed and never mattered. Completely discarded and detached. Why? Because I wasn't meeting needs that were never expressed or talked about. I "should have just known". Sure, its nice to have someone validate your emotional struggles, but sometimes hurt people hurt people and from what I have discovered, avoidants create their own prisons usually by starving their partners of connection, then use their inevitable emotional reactions as proof of why its unsafe to open up. Sorry, but a 20 year relationship with an avoidant doesn't have me feeling very understanding.
Ownness of one's attachment style and wounds are so crucial to personal healing, growth, and relationship repair...... Accepting that self help and growth are one's own responsibility first is a part of owning our own stuff, which to me has to occur to stay on a healing path . Opening up and accepting support from others are super difficult for a person with an avoidant that doesn't see their need. However, it is an act of grace within the human heart to be patient with someone that can actually love bomb you, and then leave you out to dry, shift blame, and devalue you for simply being a victim to the intermittent reinforcement that trapped the love starved individual, which thought that the DA is capable of reciprocating acceptably. The avoidant has to see the need to heal and grow more secure.
This is compassionate wisdom. Thanks for not villainizing avoidants. Some interactions can be harmful, even when both parties are trying to do the right thing.
I'm Anxious tending towards Secure. I experienced a honeymoon phase (about 6 months) with a Dismissive and we both were in sync with both our needs getting met - which aligned as it generally does in the honeymoon phase where it's about getting to know each other and the attraction and chemistry. As each of us passed on from the honeymoon phase I was feeling a shift from under my feet occurring - where I was looking to is there more here, and deepening commitment, while the Dismissive seemed to go sideways and I felt it go more 'surface' for them. (I now realize this was them taking a protective measure.) But for me at the time I felt unsafe, and I asked where did they go emotionally (mistaking their part in the honeymoon phase as someone who was also deepening emotional investment) and they text broke up with me, saying they were not as affected by things as I was and that they hoped I'd find a matching life partner. Oh boy. Just wow. I saw how I assumed people make an emotional investment and get attached - and these folks don't. I didn't know that was even possible with a human. I learned that people deactivate and devalue a person and with a Dismissive they do it silently, you never know they're doing it, unlike a narcissist who will criticize you openly. I said goodbye and let them vanish and blocked them. I was abandoned without a warning. We had a great relationship for 6 months where many things were shared and expressed until one day it wasn't. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Same experience. I was shocked how a person could be so heartless. Its like who was i hanging out in the past 8 months with?? He completely discarded me in a second, just like that cus "he wasnt feeling it anymore." And yeah, i should have known better cus I asked him about his history, he says the people he meet don't last more than 6months. RED FLAG but i ignored it cus he was the present. Now, i see that I'm just one of the people added to his list, his pattern just keeps repeating itself. Meet someone new, enjoy the honeymoon, and discard you blindedly. I'm angry, in pain, but i guess moreso i just can't believe someone could be so heartless. I wasted so much time, my mental energy, and money! And he goes to therapy too for 6months now. Like bro, you do realize therapy only works when the person actively tries to work on himself, you cant just go there and talk about your feelings. He still cant own up his mistakes, still blames everyone around him and take no accountability. Sad cus i know i realize he's on the higher side of avoidant, i dont think therapy is enough for him. This is really just gonna be how he will be for his entire life.
@@vosk6481 I too am asking what thing was I hanging out with - it really causes concern because the action is so heartless and one should conclude rightly that this is a severely traumatized/defective human being - I don't know if enough is said to inform the person on the receiving end as to how they should process the fact that they've been giving their emotional and physical intimacy to what in some ways is a highly suss situation that puts them in emotional peril - yes the question is, what was I hanging out with, what kind of creep was that. I know I'll be seen as DA bashing however this is something that really is the result for their partners who did not sign up for the unnatural treatment they've received and how they felt duped and deceived by someone who seems to lack values and traits that they claimed to possess. With their lack of self-awareness the DAs hold themselves out as a partner on your equal level when they are nothing close to it. Just like I would tell anyone to run from a narcissist where you are putting yourself at great risk by getting to know them romantically, for the DAs I would say same
omg, thank you for speaking about this - as an FA, I totally need to feel safe and I am super open to hear what my anxious partner needs and want to help them, but once they start blaming, criticising and being angry at me, I tend to shut down subconsciously.
I've become avoidant due to narcissistic abuse over the years. I just cannot for the life of me give away my time and emotions freely anymore. I don't have the capacity to care about another person as I am trying to keep my own peace of mind. It becomes very overwhelming when I am put in situations of being obligated. An anxious person will literally drive me batshit crazy with needing attention and I just run and shut down. Any other avoidants feel that way? Like a kettle about ready to explode.. When the steam is released is when we shut it all down and exit.
I have wondered if I became more avoidant due to so many past relationships where I wanted love and was always left. However, I believe what actually happened is, I worked really hard to calm my anxious dating style. I also worked really hard on spotting unavailable people and staying away from them. I don't think I truly switched to avoidant because now I have a family. I wanted love but I was looking for it in all the wrong places. But, like you, now I am hyper aware when people are anxious and needy and it also makes me uncomfortable. But I only think it's because I slowed down my anxiety. Don't give up. I was the worst attacher lol, if I can find love so can you 🩷
Is it possible to be both? I feel like ive been the avoidant type in some relationships, and the anxious type in some others. Avoidant when the man is really into me and im not, and anxious when its the opposite, im totally into him but he's not!
There’s no such thing, unless if it’s two secure people. You want to find someone who brings out the secure attachment more than the insecure out of you
Thank you for stepping up for avoidants. We're actually 'desperate' for love and the patience and acceptance that comes with it. Imagine not getting love from either parent. Replaced with (in my case) insecurity, scorn, violence and neglect. That adult child is given no template for how to give or receive love. Now imagine an anxious partner demanding constancy while not providing it. You love them and want to give them what they want but it feels like you're feeding an insatiable maw that will consume you - only to spit you out.
Stop validating your negative behaviors. Negative behaviors= negative behaviors. If anyone reads this, its true what everyone says, dont fall for that avoidant trap. Theyll seem secure at first, pretend like their victim of their exes, and youd wanna show them what genuine love feels like. But they can't handle that, they'll push you away and make you feel trash. They have 0 sentimental value. What kind of relationship do you wanna be in where the other person can just discard you in an instant
Dont get me wrong, the time you'll spent together is fun and can be loving, its the avoidant's ability to discard anyone so abruptly, without any second thoughts. Mark my words, if you date an avoidant, youre just putting yourself in a ticking timer to be thrown out like trash in an instant, without explanation, everything done blindedly
I wasn't anxious until I marrried someone like this. My wife loved me until she didn't, and it was suddenly like I never existed and never mattered. Completely discarded and detached. Why? Because I wasn't meeting needs that were never expressed or talked about. I "should have just known". Sure, its nice to have someone validate your emotional struggles, but sometimes hurt people hurt people and from what I have discovered, avoidants create their own prisons usually by starving their partners of connection, then use their inevitable emotional reactions as proof of why its unsafe to open up. Sorry, but a 20 year relationship with an avoidant doesn't have me feeling very understanding.
I am not certain you are a DA based on what you wrote. I might be mistaken, of course
@kakashifight6907 right. More like a FA. A DA wouldn't be that self aware
Ownness of one's attachment style and wounds are so crucial to personal healing, growth, and relationship repair......
Accepting that self help and growth are one's own responsibility first is a part of owning our own stuff, which to me has to occur to stay on a healing path . Opening up and accepting support from others are super difficult for a person with an avoidant that doesn't see their need.
However, it is an act of grace within the human heart to be patient with someone that can actually love bomb you, and then leave you out to dry, shift blame, and devalue you for simply being a victim to the intermittent reinforcement that trapped the love starved individual, which thought that the DA is capable of reciprocating acceptably.
The avoidant has to see the need to heal and grow more secure.
This is compassionate wisdom. Thanks for not villainizing avoidants. Some interactions can be harmful, even when both parties are trying to do the right thing.
I'm Anxious tending towards Secure. I experienced a honeymoon phase (about 6 months) with a Dismissive and we both were in sync with both our needs getting met - which aligned as it generally does in the honeymoon phase where it's about getting to know each other and the attraction and chemistry. As each of us passed on from the honeymoon phase I was feeling a shift from under my feet occurring - where I was looking to is there more here, and deepening commitment, while the Dismissive seemed to go sideways and I felt it go more 'surface' for them. (I now realize this was them taking a protective measure.) But for me at the time I felt unsafe, and I asked where did they go emotionally (mistaking their part in the honeymoon phase as someone who was also deepening emotional investment) and they text broke up with me, saying they were not as affected by things as I was and that they hoped I'd find a matching life partner. Oh boy. Just wow. I saw how I assumed people make an emotional investment and get attached - and these folks don't. I didn't know that was even possible with a human. I learned that people deactivate and devalue a person and with a Dismissive they do it silently, you never know they're doing it, unlike a narcissist who will criticize you openly. I said goodbye and let them vanish and blocked them. I was abandoned without a warning. We had a great relationship for 6 months where many things were shared and expressed until one day it wasn't. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Same experience. I was shocked how a person could be so heartless. Its like who was i hanging out in the past 8 months with?? He completely discarded me in a second, just like that cus "he wasnt feeling it anymore." And yeah, i should have known better cus I asked him about his history, he says the people he meet don't last more than 6months. RED FLAG but i ignored it cus he was the present. Now, i see that I'm just one of the people added to his list, his pattern just keeps repeating itself. Meet someone new, enjoy the honeymoon, and discard you blindedly.
I'm angry, in pain, but i guess moreso i just can't believe someone could be so heartless. I wasted so much time, my mental energy, and money! And he goes to therapy too for 6months now. Like bro, you do realize therapy only works when the person actively tries to work on himself, you cant just go there and talk about your feelings. He still cant own up his mistakes, still blames everyone around him and take no accountability. Sad cus i know i realize he's on the higher side of avoidant, i dont think therapy is enough for him. This is really just gonna be how he will be for his entire life.
@@vosk6481 I too am asking what thing was I hanging out with - it really causes concern because the action is so heartless and one should conclude rightly that this is a severely traumatized/defective human being - I don't know if enough is said to inform the person on the receiving end as to how they should process the fact that they've been giving their emotional and physical intimacy to what in some ways is a highly suss situation that puts them in emotional peril - yes the question is, what was I hanging out with, what kind of creep was that. I know I'll be seen as DA bashing however this is something that really is the result for their partners who did not sign up for the unnatural treatment they've received and how they felt duped and deceived by someone who seems to lack values and traits that they claimed to possess. With their lack of self-awareness the DAs hold themselves out as a partner on your equal level when they are nothing close to it. Just like I would tell anyone to run from a narcissist where you are putting yourself at great risk by getting to know them romantically, for the DAs I would say same
This is 100 % correct
There are also the disorganized types which kind of bounces between avoidant and anxious
omg, thank you for speaking about this - as an FA, I totally need to feel safe and I am super open to hear what my anxious partner needs and want to help them, but once they start blaming, criticising and being angry at me, I tend to shut down subconsciously.
Thank you for this, makes so much more sense now and..seems much more manageable 🙂
Problem with putting yourself first all the time is there is no room for anyone else to be around...
its very selfish imo
Just subscribed after seeing your video with Lewis Howes 👍🏻
Thank you , thank you , thank you so much ... U answer something I'm looking for a long time ...
Thank you, Shay!
Hey
How are you=
Thank you so much. Love your channel!
Great video, thanks
Great video ❤️
I've become avoidant due to narcissistic abuse over the years. I just cannot for the life of me give away my time and emotions freely anymore. I don't have the capacity to care about another person as I am trying to keep my own peace of mind. It becomes very overwhelming when I am put in situations of being obligated. An anxious person will literally drive me batshit crazy with needing attention and I just run and shut down. Any other avoidants feel that way? Like a kettle about ready to explode.. When the steam is released is when we shut it all down and exit.
I have wondered if I became more avoidant due to so many past relationships where I wanted love and was always left. However, I believe what actually happened is, I worked really hard to calm my anxious dating style. I also worked really hard on spotting unavailable people and staying away from them. I don't think I truly switched to avoidant because now I have a family. I wanted love but I was looking for it in all the wrong places. But, like you, now I am hyper aware when people are anxious and needy and it also makes me uncomfortable. But I only think it's because I slowed down my anxiety. Don't give up. I was the worst attacher lol, if I can find love so can you 🩷
Is it possible to be both? I feel like ive been the avoidant type in some relationships, and the anxious type in some others. Avoidant when the man is really into me and im not, and anxious when its the opposite, im totally into him but he's not!
Yes it’s called Fearful Avoidant
It would be easier to hear you without the distraction of the background muzak. Content wise it is great, so is a shame
thanks for the feedback :)
So wouldn't it be better to find someone who complements your attachment style?
There’s no such thing, unless if it’s two secure people. You want to find someone who brings out the secure attachment more than the insecure out of you
opposites attract