I'm sad to say that I didn't find your channel until after you passed. What a wonderful, wise woman you were! This topic in particular....amazing. I wish the woman who raised me would have been even just a little less abusive & instead understood that the consequences were usually punishment enough. You don't need to beat the child too. I love this & I wish more people thought like you. You were a beautiful woman inside & out & I've been praying for your family ever since I started following you.
She was brilliant! Some women spend their entire lives chasing after new clothes and new cars and new homes. This woman knew the value of spending time wisely and helping us to see that discipline is more important than punishing
Oh, how I needed to hear this. I'm so glad I found Andrea, may she rest in peace. What a wise, Godly woman she was. Her videos she left behind are a treasure. I hope the family will leave these up for us all to learn from. God bless.
LB C - I agree. I am blown away at her wisdom. I am 52 raised 2 adult children and 1 now that's 10 yrs old. We were so hard on our oldest. He rebelled. I wish I had handled situations with more natural consequences as she's describing. I cried hearing this. However, God's Grace can cover a multitude of sin. He will teach us the correct way. It's never too late. Thank you Andrea for your willingness to share. Your legacy lives on. Blessings to the Mill's Family♥️
Andrea, I really struggled with this concept this morning. I watched this video last night and have been with heavy heart on this issue. I tried this out with my daughter age 7 this morning as she was doing her math work. I first started off being angry and threatened to spank her. I apologized to her for that and I told her she can choose to use her time wisely. When she finished her math lesson she was extremely sad that she missed one of her favorite shows on TV. I reminded her that when she chooses not to use her time wisely she can miss out on some of the things she would like to do. Thank you for your inspiring, real videos!!! I appreciate it so much!!!!
What a blessing these videos are. I have been watching them before bed. While sad in a way, it's a comfort to hear her voice. As a fellow homeschool mom with six kids and a homechurching "preterist", I often feel alone in my way of life. How I wish I could have sat down to have tea in real life with her when she was alive. She is the kind of woman I pray God would send me as a friend. At least I have her wise words in these videos on the days I just feel like I need to hear confirmation from another woman in my shoes. RIP, sweet Andrea ❤️
Thank you, Mills Family! If we weren't in Ohio and lived closer we would love to get together with you guys. My kids are the same ages and have very similar interests. It's nice to know there are other families like us out there. God bless you all ❤️
I know your not here Andrea but I love this wisdom of creating a rift between the action and not the other person. I needed this Andrea. Thank you truly.❤️
Andrea don't ever think you're rambling, everything I have heard you say makes sense. What you have said here makes great sense and it's such a wonderful and loving attitude.
ladyradiana Right? I came on here just to kill a few minutes and found myself getting deeply interested in what she said. I used bad words twice as a kid, the first time, my mother heard it (I was 4 at the time.), she took me literally by the ear and actually grabbed a bar of soap and wash my mouth out. she made sure to get it in the little cracks between molars and I've never forgotten that lesson. the other time, some relatives came to visit and I called one of the big boys "you turkey....a--hole" and his dad heard me, but when my dad came to see what was happening, my uncle said I said turkey apple, I never forgot that either, he was firmly seated in place as my very favorite uncle from that moment on!!
i, too, didn't find this channel until after the death of this amazing woman. I find myself binge watching video after video and with each one, i'm even more in awe of her wisdom, patience,thoughtfulness and love. With all of her daily responsibilities, she still found the time to share her insight and knowledge with us all, complete and total strangers. My heart aches for the enormous loss this family has endured, but also for the world. Can you imagine what this world would be like if far more people like Andrea Mills existed? Shame on you, if you're one of the 9 to not like this, or any of these videos! What impact will you leave behind? As for Mrs. Mills, i never had the honor of meeting her in person, but i'm grieving her death as deeply as I would if i had known her all my life, as have many others, i'm sure.
I found your Channel in your last days before your passing. I have been watching videos of you now as they come up in my Suggestions . How I wish I could have at least half of your Wisdom, Grace, Faith and Geniune Compassion Andrea. The World Lost a Beautifu Soul. THIS Video is probably My Favorite and YOU are so Correct in all you say here. I wish I would have applied these methods when I was raising my 2 Sons. They are Grown now and although you and I are Close in Age, You have so much Wisdom that I just did not have or care to even Gain at the time of my Boy's being formed into Responsible Adults. I WORRY everyday as I see Boith Struggle to learn The Life Skills that I SHOULD HAVE TAUGHT THEM and did not. I did Everything for them, Fixed all Problems and did all Task. It hurts my Heart to see them Try to figue out things that I should have taught them. Thank you Andrea. I know your Videos will help other Parents as they raise their Children. And I also know I am speaking as though you are still here to respond to this- But I know in a sense you are -YOU are The Light that Shines in Darkness. Rest in Heaven my Sweet Lady Andrea. May God Bless you all @TheMillsFamily. And Thank you Tom for keeping these Videos up and Sharing your Beautiful Andrea with us. I will leave you all with these words My Grandpa use to always say when things didn't quite make sense to me. ~ "A few Moments of Wonderful is better than a Lifetime of Nothing." ~ You all have had Lot's of "Wonderful Moments" and may you Never feel you are now left with nothing. Much Love and Prayers sent to you all.
I have parented this way and am happy to hear someone articulate it. I always wanted my children to feel the natural consequences knowing that if I berate or punish them the child’s focus is on feeling upset about the punishment or attitude of the parent rather than on the choice that led to the consequence. Parents today are so trained to issue consequences or use anger to express displeasure with their child that my way of parenting can appear permissive. I am so encouraged to hear that you and your family are practicing a similar form of discipline.
You know, I have raised two decent, morally upright, contributors to society. I have 3 grandchildren in their teens who are very sweet & thoughtful. I have only spanked my son one time in his entire life, because he was so good at grasping the natural consequences. But although you are much younger than I, you taught me something! The discipline/disciple/natural consequences/punishment is absolutely spot on but I honestly never thought of that. You are so wise beyond your years, God has blessed your children and husband with a great mom like you!!
Excellent - all teachers in training should have the benefit of Andrea's advice. Although it seems a lot more challenging in a public school setting because of scheduling, time restraints, more children basically under the supervision of one classroom teacher, and lack of additional personnel to help in the classroom - Andrea's ideas are sound and basic guidance as to what discipline really is intended for, and to always keep that in mind. Thank you, Andrea.
Andrea thanks for your wonderful insight. I've been following you for about 6 months and each video just keeps getting better. I appreciate how organized your channel is. I can find everything with ease. :-)
this was an incredibly valuable video. When my son was young (he's 38 now), I struggled with this very issue every single day, because I wanted to be a good mom, and teach him life lessons. I distinctly remember having this conversation with a friend of mine at the time, and I had never thought about the distinction between natural consequences versus punishment. Excellent video. thank you for sharing
When you were talking about "stinginess of heart" (about 20:14), boy, did you bring back memories of my parents. My father never said he loved me, but he exuded love for us 5 children. My mother's attitude was, "I will love you if you do things my way." It was a very conditional love. I try to live my father's way, but sometimes, I fall into the trap of loving as my mother showed love. Not good!
This is awesome Andrea. Thank you! I've really struggled with knowing how to discipline my kids and have made lots of mistakes. I'm now reaping those mistakes but I know that God will help me and my husband to change and to discipline with love using these natural consequences. You are so wise and such a great role model for me. I can't thank you enough for making all your videos.
I like how curse words are addressed. Especially as a Christian (I am a new believer and used to swear like a sailor, and that is so not ladylike), I have learned that we bless with words and cuss words are curses. I don't use swear words anymore, praise Jesus. This helps me as I am learning to mother my children as God wants, and not following the ways of our American culture. I'm sorry to have found this post mortem so to speak, but oh how I am blessed I can listen to Andrea's wisdom as God has/had given it. :)
Thank you for this video I'm a new teacher working with many young children and trying to learn better ways of getting class work done or just simply fallowing out day to day schedule with teaching why we need to do what we do not just have them in time out and they don't understand why they are there and honestly that only leads to a melt down so I just wanted to say thank you for your insight it's helped me to remember to be calm and explain the cause-and-effect of their actions and choices
i have seen this video before but watched again for some reason this morning. " the attitude of our hearts cant be one of manipulation or happines of someones failure or of stingines of heart".. i think every single person on this planet needs to hear that message from andrea!!!!! its sad to say that i dont know anyone who lives by those rules not even me myself. and we need to!! and i am going to! this world is a bad place because people dont apply this but are evil.
You have such a beautiful heart!! Thank you for this whole series. I just found your channel today and have been watching your organizing videos while cooking and prepping food-brilliant and inspiring!! Then tonight as I was doing chores in the kitchen I clicked on and saw this series and began watching--again brilliant! Great job and you are a great mama!
LOL!!! If I got punished for not meal planning, I'd be punished often. Unfortunately the natural consequence (pressure of no food at dinner time) has historically not been motivating enough for me to change that behavior, overall. But at this moment I do have a meal plan for the month (miracle!)
I don't know if you'll see this comment, but I love the idea of natural consequences vs. punishment. Unfortunately, many parents don't let their children accept the consequences of their actions but rescue them instead. Consequences are the best teacher.
I believe God put the need to make these videos, to continue her wisdom, to her children. We benefit, but God knows and those precious children benefit.
Again, thank you. It's taken me quite some time to really "hear" what you're saying. ;) I've heard this type of thing before, many times, but always fought against it (trying to control). It seems that I am now at a point in my life and my walk with God, that I can HEAR this advice and really understand it. I'm so glad I found your channel---you've been such a blessing to me! ;) Teresa
Thank you for a wonderful explanation. I'm happy to realise that we do this in our family, without having a name for it! It's such an important aspect of our parenting, but thankfully not a large part! sending love to you and the whole wonderful family. 💖😊💖
Im really sad that i learned about Andrea after she died.. I follow another group on Facebook and they mentioned her passing, she was so wise as a mother im just a year younger than Andrea, but she was so wise beyond her years.. I watch her videos and can apply them to my parenting.. Im so sad shes gone..
Thank you for sharing! It's always good to share thoughts and ideas. I have struggled with raising both of my boys. My husband and I were both raised with very harsh and strong discipline/punishment. One thing we learned with our oldest son was to have "talk time". This is where we would sit down and chat with him about what the situation is and what was wrong with it. After a while of doing this he would beg us to allow him to do the right thing so he wouldn't have to have this little chat with us👍🏻😀We also are raising our second son who was adopted with a disability times four. After researching the Scriptures… It does not give allowances for children with special needs, but teaches us to raise them the same as any other child. Thank you for your wise thoughts and your wisdom and practicality of raising children.
i feel like this is a very montessori way of handling things, i like it. it makes sense. I'm pretty much a peaceful parent or try to be. no hitting, yelling, etc and i think this would help my family get my view point.
thanks for sharing this, great advice and a healthy reminder of the relationship we want to have with our children as they become adults! it brought back some memories for me and reminded me that I'm trying to hard! thanks again and God bless! Ps love the idea of pointing out how sad it is that they missed out on something and letting the weight be on them. I needed that reminder!
I really enjoyed this video! I agree with what you are saying. Thank you so much for taking the time to have this discussion. You are a natural teacher, thanks for sharing your God given gift with us. Merry Christmas!
Your example of my husband giving me a consequence for not getting dinner ready really makes me think. My big kids rarely get in trouble but I need to think about the times they might and how I would feel in their shoes.
Andrea you were such a special soul watched you since the beginning only God knows why he had to take you from Tom and those beautiful children you were such a wise person I cant believe your gone. I hope you can look down from heaven and guide Tom and help him to carry on you legacy
Thank-you for sharing your ideas. I find your videos really inspiring. I needed to see this right now, my two are fairly challenging and I need to be less soft (e.g. not make two dinners because they don't like what I've made!) but I agree with you on punishment creating resentment rather than having an effect on behaviours so need to work on letting natural consequences happen.
Wow, this is an amazing concept in parenting. I guess I just never considered that there was something that could benefit the child's behavior and personality more than discipline as I received it as a child. Of course there were some things that I modified, not wanting to be the brutish parent that constantly punished my children for everything, but my efforts to "talk it out" and discuss their behavior and why it was disappointing rather than to just punish them for wrongdoing doesn't seem quite as effective as I imagine what Andrea describes here could be. I'll definitely have to read up more on this, if there's anything out there, to get more understanding and insight on how to put this into practice. So many of the examples she describes are problems that I face with my kids every single day, and I feel that I'm ineffective when I see that there is no progress in a positive direction (i.e. not getting schoolwork done, obnoxious behavior, etc). Of course, my biggest parenting misstep is most likely in what they've been exposed to - similar to what she said about the use of bad language, I , I haven't really restricted what my kids are exposed to as far as media goes. However, in a way I regret it because I feel like they're more influenced by the world than by the teachings that I try to instill in them. In her words, they aren't experiencing enough of the natural consequences to really reconsider the things they allow into their mind. I'll be rewatching this one.
I do mostly appreciate and understand this... I have 5 children, 18, 16, 14, 7 and 5. One thing that worries me a little is the guilt. Of course our children do things that they shouldn't but not all of our children are the same. For instance when you spoke about the 'pancake breakfast'. What if the child that slept in was having trouble? Maybe a bad night or was just unusually tired? Couldn't you throw a few pancakes in the microwave until you've decided if it was just a natural consequence? I would never want to make my children feel guilty for making mistakes or just being forgetful. Especially in a busy household... I listened carefully and you're mostly right. Late to the airport = missed flight. Not paying bills on time = fees and cut offs. I think you are a beautiful mom with a lovely family. And I don't want you to think I am judging you. I am only sharing the same as you are. :) We are all doing our best and God gave us these treasures for a reason. I pray I did not offend you.
This video is part of a series I did and there were a few messages that had to come before this one. If you'd like, you could start at the beginning and you'll probably have all your fears allayed. In case you don't have time, the heart of my previous messages was this; that we need to treat others as we want to be treated, including our children. We want to give our children an abundance of grace, mercy and love. That is the overarching concern as we deal with day to day situations. Here is a link to one important video in particular: ruclips.net/video/e27QkhxDgxQ/видео.html Here is a link to the whole playlist (I plan to keep adding to it in the future) ruclips.net/p/PLd2pt5YWp66DaEKBCLFrw0CExeISbs447
Awesome! I came across it out of order... I will look for all of them. I grew up and almost everything was laced with guilt. Making it a very sensitive issue for me. I was just catching up on you trip! I live in Riverside, California so y'all are in my neck of the woods. Thank you for being sweet and not offended. As Christians, grace and mercy are necessities and I can see that in your vlogs! :)
Awesome! I came across it out of order... I will look for all of them. I grew up and almost everything was laced with guilt. Making it a very sensitive issue for me. I was just catching up on you trip! I live in Riverside, California so y'all are in my neck of the woods. Thank you for being sweet and not offended. As Christians, grace and mercy are necessities and I can see that in your vlogs! :)
Awesome! I came across it out of order... I will look for all of them. I grew up and almost everything was laced with guilt. Making it a very sensitive issue for me. I was just catching up on you trip! I live in Riverside, California so y'all are in my neck of the woods. Thank you for being sweet and not offended. As Christians, grace and mercy are necessities and I can see that in your vlogs! :)
I totally understand. I waited to get to this message until I had laid a foundation because I know how easy it can be to take something and use it as a means of control and punishment rather than love and encouragement. Maybe we saw each other out on the freeway this week!
The hardest part of consequences both at home and out in the world is when the repercussion is affected by the mood of a person in authority.....even mom or grandma. Many years ago the director of a juvenile detention facility told me that one common denominator with kids who get in trouble is poor social skills....inability to 'read' the people in the setting. She gave the example of how one time we go to return something at a store and the clerk would say "No Returns." In a better mood the same clerk might say, "We don't normally do this, but...." OR when you cut up in class and the teacher laughs one day and gives you detention for a similar behavior the next day. Sometimes you get the ticket, sometimes you get the warning. I see The Drummer all the time dealing with crabby judges when he goes to court with someone he is helping with addiction. He actually will say as he leaves the house, "I hope the judge had a good breakfast." The kid/adult who just can't adjust their behavior subtly or has a fit because "he didn't do that last time" is going to really struggle. I really have observed the truth of this over time and see that director's wisdom. I even believe I see examples of this in Scripture. It is my argument for keen socialization being a sought-after skill. xoj
Im finding all these videos of yours that I didn't know existed poping up under other videos and were answering many questions i had been wondering about.. i really like your attitude on discipline/ natural concequences :) they speak to me! Thanks!! .. im like turning into a video stalker but i find them all so interesting. :)
As much as this works for children without adhd, I have adhd and I would hate it if I couldn’t do these fun things because my brain wants to work, but can’t function as well
Hi Mrs. Mills :) Aww man I am so happy I found this video. I loved it! Only one disagreement. I do not habe any children yet, I listened to this for personal education, but I would truly prefer to tell my future children that BAD words are called BAD language for a reason. I think it is inappropriate and disrespectful. Mind you I am only 24 years old, I have sometime still, but I do have nieces and nephews which I would like to help understand why that is incorrect [in my opinion] even though they hear people in their surroundings speaking that way, I would really like to encourage them not to repeat it. But wow everything else was ON POINT! 😀👌💕
Many words change meaning over time. My point is that no word is objectively bad/evil. It's bad because of the connotation we give it. If one uses culturally "bad" words there are social consequences, but I don't want to teach them that there's actually such a thing as an evil word.
I have 4 children. 3 girls 26 , 25 and 13 and 1 boy 14 ... i have never hit , smacked or yelled at them. I find sitting them down and talk threw with them why , and in turn make them think about what they have done wrong ( which is very very rare ) . And how they could of done things differently. And how they now correct that . Be it doing housework. Homework xbox , speaking to each other or to othera etc . And threw talking to them Calmly and letting them reflex on their actions . They have/are growing up to be fine people . They are my greatest achievement and joy . So the thought of hitting them . Insulting them yelling at them. Putting them down . Just is not what i want to teach them , how things need and should to be done Hope im making sense. Lol.
I could have really used this video last night when I felt the need to punish one of my children. I should have let the natural consequence teach the lesson but I felt was "not enough". The same thing happened two days in a row and the first time I let the consequence be the end of it but when it happened again the very next day I felt the child thought they had gotten away with it and could do it again. This lead to be spending a whole day thinking up a punishment, which in reflection did not cause the child to think of the person they had wronged but instead kept their focus on themselves. I would love to hear how you would have handled a situation like that.
Just off the top of my head, if it happens again maybe let them spend all day coming up with a satisfactory way to make amends with the person instead of you spending the day thinking of a punishment. In the past, when I've told one of my kids that they need to think of a way to make amends, I have them run their ideas by me so I can make sure it sounds appropriate. When they come up with a good one, we run it by the wronged person to make sure it sounds good to them, too. If it does, we're all happy. It's also an opportunity to talk to the "victim" about forgiveness and the fact that they also need to forgive if they want to be forgiven when they do wrong things.
Thank you for taking the time to reply Andrea. My husband and I spent some time discussing your advice; It was very helpful. I have found all your videos so helpful. Seeing your videos on A.C.E. helped me to make the decision purchase and use it for one of my children. You are a blessing!
I find your videos interesting. I like the personal "feel" of your vids and although my children are grown I'm filing away tidbits for future grandchildren (my oldest boy is 24 and his girlfriend also 24, has a 3.5 year old who lives with her mother due to her having had mental breakdown and other emotional challenges. And my youngest will be 20 in October (his fiancé will be 25 also in October {that's a whole other ball of wax}) they have suffered 3 miscarriages in under 2 years; she can't carry past 6-7 weeks gestation... Sorry, off topic... I truly enjoy the topics you cover. You offer great incite which I file away as I said for future grandbabies. Our "step" grandson's grandmother has not accepted us and we have never actually met him, this doesn't mean we don't try but she finds excuses to not get to know us or allow us to interact with him. His mom talks about Mimi and Papa (me and my husband) all the time when she visits him nearly daily. And no, there's no court ordered anything for him but my son and his mom aren't even allowed to bring him anywhere because of the control she (the other grandmother) uses to make her own daughter feel not in control of her child's life. Thank you for these vids!!! Brightest blessing from my home to yours!
Thank you thank you thank you! Thanks for sharing this video, and being so brave and willing to share. I have a question. I get the natural consequence and letting kids kind a feel the pain of their mistakes, but how do you handle 1) when siblings are fighting (hitting and not sharing 2) Sassy talk or arguing 3) direct disobedient like when you tell a kid to do something or stop and they just do it anyway 4) toddlers touching things they shouldn't (like reaching for things on the counters they shouldn't? I watched this video at the perfect time. Thank you so much. God bless...By the way this is Sara not Caleb. I use my husband's account. :-)
I was guessing this must be a wife on a husband's account. You sounded like a mom! :) We kind of approach those problems (which we have plenty of at our house) in 3 main ways. First off, we purposely spend time as part of our school routine talking about character issues and role-playing these very scenarios when everyone is calm and receptive. I aim for once or twice a week with these character talks. I can tell when it's been too long since we've had one (like right now when we're on summer break!) I try to make sure there isn't any question in someone's mind about what is appropriate in a given situation. Secondly, we address it in the moment by reminding them what is okay and what isn't okay. And no, I don't always do it calmly. I'm working on that... (Points for mom if she doesn't yell!) Then, if it doesn't stop -or of it was something severe enough- we would go ahead and impose a punishment. If kids are fighting, I might send them to their beds for awhile. Little ones that won't stop touching dangerous things might get a slap on the hand or put in the crib or highchair, whatever makes most sense at the moment. The last resort for me if a child is being directly defiant is to let them know I'll be talking to Daddy about it and he'll see them about it when he gets home. I just walk away then. That terrifies them even though Tom isn't harsh or mean. I guess it just seems so much scarier to get in trouble with Dad. That usually puts a stop to it and then Tom deals with the child when he gets home. Usually all he has to do is talk to them, but sometimes he imposes a further punishment. The most recent one he gave was two of our children were banned from playing computers, x-box and tablets for a month for doing something that still makes me shake my head when I think about it. What were they thinking?!
Great conversation! I really needed to hear this and will be trying to change my words to implement more natural consequences, especially with morals. How would you address kids being encouraged to do things that mom would not approve of? I know we usually think about that as peer pressure... but what about when it comes from grandparents? As in "Sure, you can have dessert even though you didn't eat your dinner, just don't tell mom." Or, "I'll get you this toy, but you should hide it in or under your bed so your mom doesn't find it." It doesn't really do any good to talk to the grandparents, so what do you tell the kids? Any advice would be appreciated.
I would have a twofold approach. I'd remove the problem by telling everyone that grandma and grandpa set the rules at their house so if they say you can have dessert even if you didn't eat dinner, that's just fine. Every house has it's own rules and we can learn to adjust our behavior accordingly. We've had that talk with our kids many times. For instance, they have several different friends with trampolines and each family has it's own trampoline rules (or lack thereof.) When the kids complain about strict rules at some houses, I remind them everyone has their own rules and that's okay. If you happily let the kids live by grandma and grandpa rules at their house, grandma and grandpa won't be able to use your more strict rules against you. Then I'd talk to the kids about telling the truth, no matter what someone asks them to do. After their next trip to grandma and grandpa's, ask about things they might lie about and react to everything calmly. If they tell the truth, be interested and enjoy talking about the fun they had. If they lie (which you may or may not know) have the conversation about telling the truth again. It'll take time to change the dynamics, but seven though you can't control grandma and grandpa, you can take the wind out of their sails by condoning toys and dessert at their house even if you don't at your own.
These are great ideas unless you have a child who could care less about the natural consequences, for the most part. This child was adopted from foster care and has some baggage from that so I have to think in a whole new way about consequences vs punishment. It is an on going thing. I have to be one step ahead of her always. She has come a long way but still has a ways to go. By the grace of God we will get there :) I must say I view the bad words situation differently. I can't stand to hear cuss words, they make me cringe, I have to hear them out in the world when we go somewhere, the last thing I want is to hear them in the safety of my home. I do not allow such things and from the mouths of my children who are supposed to be an example of Christmas with their mouths. I tell them that of they choose such things when they are grown and out on their, that is between them and God but here I have chosen to not allow such things in my house and they must obey that. Thank goodness not of my kids like such words either. This doesn't just go with cussing, I have built this standard for a lot of things such as this. They know that all of the rules and standards I have placed in my home are for the making of good character and mature adults and to be Christ like, that it's is the goal. However,like I said if they chose otherwise when on their own then it is between them and God, and I remind them that the consequence of their actions as adults can be much much bigger than at home. I encourage them to learn and grow habits and character here with me so they won't struggle with it as an adult. I am a single mom and so I feel sometimes I have to be a bit tougher on some areas otherwise it is them against me and I am definitely out numbered lol. BTW I really enjoy your videos, I always look forward to them :) Thanks for sharing.
I think maybe you've misunderstood the bad words thing. My children don't say them. I accomplished this by helping them think through the consequences of being a person like that, not by making a rule against it. It seems like we actually have pretty similar methods, we just think of them in different ways! Yes, natural consequences aren't always appropriate; let wisdom dictate!
+Andrea Mills Sorry, maybe I have misunderstood you. I took it as they could say them but their character would be questioned. I believe we do think alike in a lot of areas, that's another reason I love to watch your videos :) Yes, wisdom is key! Just out of curiosity, what would you do if one of your children did use profanity?
I know I am late in the conversation, but would like to know if you have any ideas about natural consequence of not brushing teeth? It takes a long time for cavities to crop up, so this has been a struggle with two of my children. Plus, it seems like with younger kids, they would not truly see the consequence of having a cavity. Would you make them pay the dentist bill? I want you to know I really love your videos and how you are so purposeful and organized.
Several of us moms were talking about this very topic today and that it seems to be our observation that some kids are prone to cavities and some are not seemingly independent of their oral hygiene habits. I think we carry an unrealistic burden around on that point. I've known several people who claim to have rarely brushed their teeth as children and they reached adulthood without a single cavity. Others (myself included), had very good brushing habits and a mouthful of cavities. That being said, I would try to focus more on building a solid routine rather than using consequences. As adults, we brush our teeth every morning because it feels weird not to. The habit is so strong that we can't not do it. We use little routine charts to help the kids remember the basic things they need to do each morning and night and I check at some point in the late morning to determine if everyone did everything. This is certainly not a definitive answer, but I hope it's at least food for thought.
I've been thinking more about your question and I have another thought to add. Aside from the cavity issue, if you have been putting routines into place for your little guys to do, including brushing their teeth, and they don't do them at the appropriate time, the natural consequence is that they have to go back and do it on their own time. Waiting until they are having a lot of fun doing something might be just the right time to ask if they have remembered to brush their teeth and have them go back and do it if they haven't. (You can check to see if the toothbrsuh is wet so you can know if they're answering truthfully.) On one of the Love and Logic CDs I listened to, there was a dad who would wait until his son was asleep to make sure he'd taken out the trash. If he hadn't, he'd wake him up and have him get up and do it. He wasn't mean about it. He just displayed the attitude that he knew his son was really trying to establish good habits and he's just helping him out.
+Andrea Mills Thank you so much for this. I read Love and Logic and I really liked it a lot. My parenting situation is a little different than most as my first two children have medical issues and so we had more details to deal with than the normal with taking medicines, breathing treatments, etc. Teeth were really low on the priority list and my strong willed daughter went through a non teeth brushing stage, as a means of control. She is now 19 and I'm fairly sure she brushes regularly at this point. My boys are both really good about brushing their teeth. Now we have a daughter who we adopted from China when she was 6. She is now 11 and hates the flavor of pretty much all toothpaste, especially mint. I'm also fairly sure she didn't brush teeth at all before she came to us, so this has been somewhat of a struggle all along. And she has braces and a tendency toward bad breath. We are planning on adopting more children, and I really agree with your parenting style, so I wanted to know what you would do here. Thank you for the ideas. Getting the child out of bed to take out the trash made me laugh. I don't think I would ever do that as my children would make me miserable with not being able to go back to sleep. Interrupting play time, or especially screen time, seems like a fantastic plan though.
You have your hands full and big full heart, too! With my little ones that don't like toothpaste, I just have them brush with plain water. When they are 3 or under, it's more like chewing on a toothbrush than it is brushing. :) I've heard of these sticks you can chew on for cleaning your teeth. Maybe that might be preferable for any of the children who aren't liking the toothbrush. Oh, here, I found a link to some; I'm sure there are a lot of places out there that sell them: www.miswakstick.com/
Maybe she could brush her teeth using baking soda. That would do the trick of getting her teeth clean and she wouldn't have to taste toothpaste. You could also look into more natural toothpastes or ones without flavoring.
I was curious, do you spank your kids ever. I know scripture says “that hand that spares the rod spoils the child” but I still see many homeschool moms differ in opinions of this. I really appreciate any feedback!! Love your channel
Obviously. Andrea sadly you're not here RIP. we love you. However if you allow your children to experience the natural consequences of their actions, then they throw a fit that henders the the whole family, and puts them all behind schedule. Then what?
That is the thing you have to learn how to handle. THEY need to experience the natural consequences of their actions, it should not be YOU that experiences those consequences. There are many creative ways you could handle such a situation. Perhaps you could have someone come over to stay with them, and then they miss out on whatever is happening. Or if they do not want to go, have a friend come watch them then add something fun to the schedule, if you all come home with ice cream, that wont likely happen all that often. Once you get this concept working, those things will be a rarity. Kids are smart, they throw fits because they work! If they get the reaction they want, they will never stop them. Once they stop getting the desired reaction, they will stop, all by their own decisions.
I just found your channel, and I see traits of a virtuous woman In you, I've taken alot from you. however the bible says spare the rod spoil the child and as parents God charges us for our children. allowing them to curse if they want seems no biblical, the bible says as for me and my house we will serve the lord. my mom being a pastor did not allow worldly music and cursing. she said for as long as you live in my house you will obey my rules. God gives us children as a gift and we must train and raise them up his way, that when they are older they may not stray. either way, I love your organization and handy skills. the bible states a virtuous women does what ever her hands find to do. You've really blessed me and I'm now organizing more and looking into getting back to sewing. God bless
I think that my point wasn't very clear. I'm not saying my children walk around saying bad words. They don't at all. My point is that we want them to think through actions on their own rather than just obeying rules. We try to encourage them to understand the consequences of their actions and make the appropriate choices. Some people to force the right behaviors- apart from heart desire- and other want to encourage heart desire and let the right behavior follow. That's where we're coming from. If we had a child who started defiantly making bad decisions, we would do something about it, but we'd rather encourage good decision making from the start. I appreciate all your kind words!
The Bible doesn't say," Spare the rod spoil the child". It says," If you spare the rod you hate your son". It also says," Chasten your son while there is hope". The Bible definitely is ok with spanking, but " Spare the rod, spoil the child " is not a Bible verse.
My little girl thinks that the tv is a touch screen so she pounds against it when the Netflix show is waiting to change. I can't afford to wait until the tv breaks for her to stop so my solution is to give a warning that if she doesn't stop then the show will stop and she won't get it again until the next tv opportunity. What's your opinion on these type of naturally invented disciplines. I also do if they play with their food (hands in yogurt, smearing it on the table etc) one warning stating what will happen and the second time that particular food goes away- i.e. The yogurt, there is still banana, juice, toast etc.
I agree with you. One of the things children have to learn is that if they don't use things correctly or respect other people's property, the natural consequence is that they'll no longer be welcome to use it!
Your channel showed up in my feed and I genuinely enjoy it; although we have very different views on many topics. You clearly have much more experienced than I am as I don't have any kids but I nanny 3. I really disagree with what you said about the curse words, teaching kids to not curse then because others will judge them...isn't that going to put the idea that in their head that judging someone based on that person's choice of words is acceptable?
No, I'm just being realistic. I used a word on one video that freaked people out even though I said it in a way that was correct, in no way derogatory or even directed at a person, but you'd think I was a terrible person the way some people react to it. It's just the reality of the world we live in. People are judgmental.
Also missing breakfast if their late to the table seems a bit crazy. Children are kids. Breakfast isnt something you participate in its something you do to feed your body and give it nutrients. What if someone is truly not hungry at 8am? What if your kid had a hard time sleeping and needed a little extra rest and didnt make it up and ready to the table just so he can eat at 8am... just a thought also.
I don't remember what I said about breakfast in this video because it made it some time ago. I can assure you no one goes hungry. They might miss out on pancakes and have to make their own cereal or eat some fruit, but we're not in the habit of starving children.
I say curse words sometimes. not alot but i do. and judging someone if they say shit when they stub their toe or say damn when they miss a turn or sometimes slip a bad word.. does not in ANY way put thaT person in a category. Im a great person with great morals and intentions. I would not instill in your children's Mind that if someone says a bad word they are not a great person. Just a thought.
life memories agreed. I've always told my child that the words mommy and daddy use are not OK for children to say but when she is an adult she is free to speak however she wants.
I truly don't think she's trying to categorize adults who use that language as being bad people. She's trying to send a message to her children, and like it or not, you ARE judged, consciously or subconsciously, by the people who hear you say it.
jessica m with much respect, I ask if you may please consider it from my perspective. It is just as bad to hear bad language from an adult than from a child speaking that way. Why can't they speak that way now, if they will speak that way someday anyway? I think because we instinctively know it is inappropriate and honestly takes away from their innocence. I relate cussing to violence and people trying to be tough or trying to impress. Eventually it becomes natural and it is not used with that exact intention, but it sounds wrong and uneducated. Of course, many people who are intelligent and obtain good life values may say a few bad words, but I believe using that type of vocabulary does not only hinder their personality, but their souls, and the ones of those who surround. Specially children, it taints their purity.
I'm sad to say that I didn't find your channel until after you passed. What a wonderful, wise woman you were! This topic in particular....amazing. I wish the woman who raised me would have been even just a little less abusive & instead understood that the consequences were usually punishment enough. You don't need to beat the child too. I love this & I wish more people thought like you. You were a beautiful woman inside & out & I've been praying for your family ever since I started following you.
She was a wonderful mom. So smart, and a very wise soul
She was brilliant! Some women spend their entire lives chasing after new clothes and new cars and new homes. This woman knew the value of spending time wisely and helping us to see that discipline is more important than punishing
Oh, how I needed to hear this. I'm so glad I found Andrea, may she rest in peace. What a wise, Godly woman she was. Her videos she left behind are a treasure. I hope the family will leave these up for us all to learn from. God bless.
LB C - I agree. I am blown away at her wisdom. I am 52 raised 2 adult children and 1 now that's 10 yrs old. We were so hard on our oldest. He rebelled. I wish I had handled situations with more natural consequences as she's describing. I cried hearing this. However, God's Grace can cover a multitude of sin. He will teach us the correct way. It's never too late. Thank you Andrea for your willingness to share. Your legacy lives on. Blessings to the Mill's Family♥️
What an insightful mother Andres was. I am glad I came across this video. May God continue to bless this beautiful family.
Andrea you were such an amazing woman, so glad you gave us these videos.
Andrea, I really struggled with this concept this morning. I watched this video last night and have been with heavy heart on this issue. I tried this out with my daughter age 7 this morning as she was doing her math work. I first started off being angry and threatened to spank her. I apologized to her for that and I told her she can choose to use her time wisely. When she finished her math lesson she was extremely sad that she missed one of her favorite shows on TV. I reminded her that when she chooses not to use her time wisely she can miss out on some of the things she would like to do. Thank you for your inspiring, real videos!!! I appreciate it so much!!!!
👍 it takes effort to be a good parent! Keep moving forward
What a blessing these videos are. I have been watching them before bed. While sad in a way, it's a comfort to hear her voice. As a fellow homeschool mom with six kids and a homechurching "preterist", I often feel alone in my way of life. How I wish I could have sat down to have tea in real life with her when she was alive. She is the kind of woman I pray God would send me as a friend. At least I have her wise words in these videos on the days I just feel like I need to hear confirmation from another woman in my shoes. RIP, sweet Andrea ❤️
You are still a friend of all of us :)
Thank you, Mills Family! If we weren't in Ohio and lived closer we would love to get together with you guys. My kids are the same ages and have very similar interests. It's nice to know there are other families like us out there. God bless you all ❤️
I know your not here Andrea but I love this wisdom of creating a rift between the action and not the other person. I needed this Andrea. Thank you truly.❤️
Andrea don't ever think you're rambling, everything I have heard you say makes sense. What you have said here makes great sense and it's such a wonderful and loving attitude.
ladyradiana Right? I came on here just to kill a few minutes and found myself getting deeply interested in what she said. I used bad words twice as a kid, the first time, my mother heard it (I was 4 at the time.), she took me literally by the ear and actually grabbed a bar of soap and wash my mouth out. she made sure to get it in the little cracks between molars and I've never forgotten that lesson. the other time, some relatives came to visit and I called one of the big boys "you turkey....a--hole" and his dad heard me, but when my dad came to see what was happening, my uncle said I said turkey apple, I never forgot that either, he was firmly seated in place as my very favorite uncle from that moment on!!
i, too, didn't find this channel until after the death of this amazing woman. I find myself binge watching video after video and with each one, i'm even more in awe of her wisdom, patience,thoughtfulness and love. With all of her daily responsibilities, she still found the time to share her insight and knowledge with us all, complete and total strangers. My heart aches for the enormous loss this family has endured, but also for the world. Can you imagine what this world would be like if far more people like Andrea Mills existed? Shame on you, if you're one of the 9 to not like this, or any of these videos! What impact will you leave behind? As for Mrs. Mills, i never had the honor of meeting her in person, but i'm grieving her death as deeply as I would if i had known her all my life, as have many others, i'm sure.
I found your Channel in your last days before your passing. I have been watching videos of you now as they come up in my Suggestions . How I wish I could have at least half of your Wisdom, Grace, Faith and Geniune Compassion Andrea. The World Lost a Beautifu Soul. THIS Video is probably My Favorite and YOU are so Correct in all you say here. I wish I would have applied these methods when I was raising my 2 Sons.
They are Grown now and although you and I are Close in Age, You have so much Wisdom that I just did not have or care to even Gain at the time of my Boy's being formed into Responsible Adults. I WORRY everyday as I see Boith Struggle to learn The Life Skills that I SHOULD HAVE TAUGHT THEM and did not. I did Everything for them, Fixed all Problems and did all Task. It hurts my Heart to see them Try to figue out things that I should have taught them.
Thank you Andrea. I know your Videos will help other Parents as they raise their Children. And I also know I am speaking as though you are still here to respond to this- But I know in a sense you are -YOU are The Light that Shines in Darkness. Rest in Heaven my Sweet Lady Andrea.
May God Bless you all @TheMillsFamily. And Thank you Tom for keeping these Videos up and Sharing your Beautiful Andrea with us. I will leave you all with these words My Grandpa use to always say when things didn't quite make sense to me. ~ "A few Moments of Wonderful is better than a Lifetime of Nothing." ~
You all have had Lot's of "Wonderful Moments" and may you Never feel you are now left with nothing. Much Love and Prayers sent to you all.
Yes I like that Andrea says “raising adults not children “.
I have parented this way and am happy to hear someone articulate it. I always wanted my children to feel the natural consequences knowing that if I berate or punish them the child’s focus is on feeling upset about the punishment or attitude of the parent rather than on the choice that led to the consequence. Parents today are so trained to issue consequences or use anger to express displeasure with their child that my way of parenting can appear permissive. I am so encouraged to hear that you and your family are practicing a similar form of discipline.
I miss you so much. I consider you my mentor. You are in my heart always.
I have been a daycare provider for 30 years. I find you and your videos very refreshing and enlightening.....Thank you
You know, I have raised two decent, morally upright, contributors to society. I have 3 grandchildren in their teens who are very sweet & thoughtful. I have only spanked my son one time in his entire life, because he was so good at grasping the natural consequences. But although you are much younger than I, you taught me something! The discipline/disciple/natural consequences/punishment is absolutely spot on but I honestly never thought of that. You are so wise beyond your years, God has blessed your children and husband with a great mom like you!!
Excellent - all teachers in training should have the benefit of Andrea's advice. Although it seems a lot more challenging in a public school setting because of scheduling, time restraints, more children basically under the supervision of one classroom teacher, and lack of additional personnel to help in the classroom - Andrea's ideas are sound and basic guidance as to what discipline really is intended for, and to always keep that in mind. Thank you, Andrea.
Andrea thanks for your wonderful insight. I've been following you for about 6 months and each video just keeps getting better. I appreciate how organized your channel is. I can find everything with ease. :-)
this was an incredibly valuable video. When my son was young (he's 38 now), I struggled with this very issue every single day, because I wanted to be a good mom, and teach him life lessons. I distinctly remember having this conversation with a friend of mine at the time, and I had never thought about the distinction between natural consequences versus punishment. Excellent video. thank you for sharing
When you were talking about "stinginess of heart" (about 20:14), boy, did you bring back memories of my parents. My father never said he loved me, but he exuded love for us 5 children. My mother's attitude was, "I will love you if you do things my way." It was a very conditional love. I try to live my father's way, but sometimes, I fall into the trap of loving as my mother showed love. Not good!
Sorry, it's at 9:42, not 20:14. 20:14 is the total length of the video.
To have about 100 million more parents who think like this would be stupendous!
Always, so much wisdom from this precious friend! Prayers for your lovely family, Tom!
This is awesome Andrea. Thank you! I've really struggled with knowing how to discipline my kids and have made lots of mistakes. I'm now reaping those mistakes but I know that God will help me and my husband to change and to discipline with love using these natural consequences. You are so wise and such a great role model for me. I can't thank you enough for making all your videos.
I love how your hiding in the bathroom 😂😂😂 I can never get away from my kids they follow me everywhere even to the bathroom.
Yes! The kids AND the dogs!! :/
I needed this info 30 years ago.. Great advice, I would have loved to have raised my children by this.🌸💕🌸
I like how curse words are addressed. Especially as a Christian (I am a new believer and used to swear like a sailor, and that is so not ladylike), I have learned that we bless with words and cuss words are curses. I don't use swear words anymore, praise Jesus. This helps me as I am learning to mother my children as God wants, and not following the ways of our American culture. I'm sorry to have found this post mortem so to speak, but oh how I am blessed I can listen to Andrea's wisdom as God has/had given it. :)
Andrea, thank you so much for your time and work on this channel. You shared such a beautiful message in this video.
You make perfect sense, Andrea! I'm so very grateful you made these videos!! I feel so sad that you're gone too soon... RIP 💖.
Thank you for this video I'm a new teacher working with many young children and trying to learn better ways of getting class work done or just simply fallowing out day to day schedule with teaching why we need to do what we do not just have them in time out and they don't understand why they are there and honestly that only leads to a melt down so I just wanted to say thank you for your insight it's helped me to remember to be calm and explain the cause-and-effect of their actions and choices
You are always helpful and you never rattle on.
i have seen this video before but watched again for some reason this morning. " the attitude of our hearts cant be one of manipulation or happines of someones failure or of stingines of heart".. i think every single person on this planet needs to hear that message from andrea!!!!! its sad to say that i dont know anyone who lives by those rules not even me myself. and we need to!! and i am going to! this world is a bad place because people dont apply this but are evil.
I think of and miss u every day.😪
You have such a beautiful heart!! Thank you for this whole series. I just found your channel today and have been watching your organizing videos while cooking and prepping food-brilliant and inspiring!! Then tonight as I was doing chores in the kitchen I clicked on and saw this series and began watching--again brilliant! Great job and you are a great mama!
LOL!!! If I got punished for not meal planning, I'd be punished often. Unfortunately the natural consequence (pressure of no food at dinner time) has historically not been motivating enough for me to change that behavior, overall. But at this moment I do have a meal plan for the month (miracle!)
I don't know if you'll see this comment, but I love the idea of natural consequences vs. punishment. Unfortunately, many parents don't let their children accept the consequences of their actions but rescue them instead. Consequences are the best teacher.
I believe God put the need to make these videos, to continue her wisdom, to her children. We benefit, but God knows and those precious children benefit.
Again, thank you. It's taken me quite some time to really "hear" what you're saying. ;) I've heard this type of thing before, many times, but always fought against it (trying to control). It seems that I am now at a point in my life and my walk with God, that I can HEAR this advice and really understand it. I'm so glad I found your channel---you've been such a blessing to me! ;) Teresa
Thank you for a wonderful explanation. I'm happy to realise that we do this in our family, without having a name for it! It's such an important aspect of our parenting, but thankfully not a large part! sending love to you and the whole wonderful family. 💖😊💖
Im really sad that i learned about Andrea after she died.. I follow another group on Facebook and they mentioned her passing, she was so wise as a mother im just a year younger than Andrea, but she was so wise beyond her years.. I watch her videos and can apply them to my parenting.. Im so sad shes gone..
Thank you for sharing! It's always good to share thoughts and ideas. I have struggled with raising both of my boys. My husband and I were both raised with very harsh and strong discipline/punishment. One thing we learned with our oldest son was to have "talk time". This is where we would sit down and chat with him about what the situation is and what was wrong with it. After a while of doing this he would beg us to allow him to do the right thing so he wouldn't have to have this little chat with us👍🏻😀We also are raising our second son who was adopted with a disability times four. After researching the Scriptures… It does not give allowances for children with special needs, but teaches us to raise them the same as any other child. Thank you for your wise thoughts and your wisdom and practicality of raising children.
i feel like this is a very montessori way of handling things, i like it. it makes sense. I'm pretty much a peaceful parent or try to be. no hitting, yelling, etc and i think this would help my family get my view point.
Thank you Andrea. You are the best
thanks for sharing this, great advice and a healthy reminder of the relationship we want to have with our children as they become adults! it brought back some memories for me and reminded me that I'm trying to hard! thanks again and God bless! Ps love the idea of pointing out how sad it is that they missed out on something and letting the weight be on them. I needed that reminder!
Im so so thankful God has blessed us all with your wisdom.
I really enjoyed this video! I agree with what you are saying. Thank you so much for taking the time to have this discussion. You are a natural teacher, thanks for sharing your God given gift with us. Merry Christmas!
I love your advice. Wonderful parenting.
Your example of my husband giving me a consequence for not getting dinner ready really makes me think. My big kids rarely get in trouble but I need to think about the times they might and how I would feel in their shoes.
Andrea you were such a special soul watched you since the beginning only God knows why he had to take you from Tom and those beautiful children you were such a wise person I cant believe your gone. I hope you can look down from heaven and guide Tom and help him to carry
on you legacy
Thank-you for sharing your ideas. I find your videos really inspiring. I needed to see this right now, my two are fairly challenging and I need to be less soft (e.g. not make two dinners because they don't like what I've made!) but I agree with you on punishment creating resentment rather than having an effect on behaviours so need to work on letting natural consequences happen.
Wow, this is an amazing concept in parenting. I guess I just never considered that there was something that could benefit the child's behavior and personality more than discipline as I received it as a child. Of course there were some things that I modified, not wanting to be the brutish parent that constantly punished my children for everything, but my efforts to "talk it out" and discuss their behavior and why it was disappointing rather than to just punish them for wrongdoing doesn't seem quite as effective as I imagine what Andrea describes here could be. I'll definitely have to read up more on this, if there's anything out there, to get more understanding and insight on how to put this into practice. So many of the examples she describes are problems that I face with my kids every single day, and I feel that I'm ineffective when I see that there is no progress in a positive direction (i.e. not getting schoolwork done, obnoxious behavior, etc). Of course, my biggest parenting misstep is most likely in what they've been exposed to - similar to what she said about the use of bad language, I , I haven't really restricted what my kids are exposed to as far as media goes. However, in a way I regret it because I feel like they're more influenced by the world than by the teachings that I try to instill in them. In her words, they aren't experiencing enough of the natural consequences to really reconsider the things they allow into their mind. I'll be rewatching this one.
Very wise lady.xx
Makes so much sense ✨✨
I do mostly appreciate and understand this... I have 5 children, 18, 16, 14, 7 and 5. One thing that worries me a little is the guilt. Of course our children do things that they shouldn't but not all of our children are the same. For instance when you spoke about the 'pancake breakfast'. What if the child that slept in was having trouble? Maybe a bad night or was just unusually tired? Couldn't you throw a few pancakes in the microwave until you've decided if it was just a natural consequence? I would never want to make my children feel guilty for making mistakes or just being forgetful. Especially in a busy household... I listened carefully and you're mostly right. Late to the airport = missed flight. Not paying bills on time = fees and cut offs. I think you are a beautiful mom with a lovely family. And I don't want you to think I am judging you. I am only sharing the same as you are. :) We are all doing our best and God gave us these treasures for a reason. I pray I did not offend you.
This video is part of a series I did and there were a few messages that had to come before this one. If you'd like, you could start at the beginning and you'll probably have all your fears allayed. In case you don't have time, the heart of my previous messages was this; that we need to treat others as we want to be treated, including our children. We want to give our children an abundance of grace, mercy and love. That is the overarching concern as we deal with day to day situations. Here is a link to one important video in particular: ruclips.net/video/e27QkhxDgxQ/видео.html Here is a link to the whole playlist (I plan to keep adding to it in the future) ruclips.net/p/PLd2pt5YWp66DaEKBCLFrw0CExeISbs447
Awesome! I came across it out of order... I will look for all of them. I grew up and almost everything was laced with guilt. Making it a very sensitive issue for me. I was just catching up on you trip! I live in Riverside, California so y'all are in my neck of the woods. Thank you for being sweet and not offended. As Christians, grace and mercy are necessities and I can see that in your vlogs! :)
Awesome! I came across it out of order... I will look for all of them. I grew up and almost everything was laced with guilt. Making it a very sensitive issue for me. I was just catching up on you trip! I live in Riverside, California so y'all are in my neck of the woods. Thank you for being sweet and not offended. As Christians, grace and mercy are necessities and I can see that in your vlogs! :)
Awesome! I came across it out of order... I will look for all of them. I grew up and almost everything was laced with guilt. Making it a very sensitive issue for me. I was just catching up on you trip! I live in Riverside, California so y'all are in my neck of the woods. Thank you for being sweet and not offended. As Christians, grace and mercy are necessities and I can see that in your vlogs! :)
I totally understand. I waited to get to this message until I had laid a foundation because I know how easy it can be to take something and use it as a means of control and punishment rather than love and encouragement.
Maybe we saw each other out on the freeway this week!
The hardest part of consequences both at home and out in the world is when the repercussion is affected by the mood of a person in authority.....even mom or grandma.
Many years ago the director of a juvenile detention facility told me that one common denominator with kids who get in trouble is poor social skills....inability to 'read' the people in the setting. She gave the example of how one time we go to return something at a store and the clerk would say "No Returns." In a better mood the same clerk might say, "We don't normally do this, but...." OR when you cut up in class and the teacher laughs one day and gives you detention for a similar behavior the next day. Sometimes you get the ticket, sometimes you get the warning. I see The Drummer all the time dealing with crabby judges when he goes to court with someone he is helping with addiction. He actually will say as he leaves the house, "I hope the judge had a good breakfast." The kid/adult who just can't adjust their behavior subtly or has a fit because "he didn't do that last time" is going to really struggle.
I really have observed the truth of this over time and see that director's wisdom. I even believe I see examples of this in Scripture. It is my argument for keen socialization being a sought-after skill. xoj
Just lovely! 💝
This is beautiful:)
Im finding all these videos of yours that I didn't know existed poping up under other videos and were answering many questions i had been wondering about.. i really like your attitude on discipline/ natural concequences :) they speak to me! Thanks!! .. im like turning into a video stalker but i find them all so interesting. :)
Very wise advise!
Love it! Thank you!
As much as this works for children without adhd, I have adhd and I would hate it if I couldn’t do these fun things because my brain wants to work, but can’t function as well
love your videos!
Hi Mrs. Mills :)
Aww man I am so happy I found this video. I loved it! Only one disagreement. I do not habe any children yet, I listened to this for personal education, but I would truly prefer to tell my future children that BAD words are called BAD language for a reason. I think it is inappropriate and disrespectful. Mind you I am only 24 years old, I have sometime still, but I do have nieces and nephews which I would like to help understand why that is incorrect [in my opinion] even though they hear people in their surroundings speaking that way, I would really like to encourage them not to repeat it. But wow everything else was ON POINT! 😀👌💕
Many words change meaning over time. My point is that no word is objectively bad/evil. It's bad because of the connotation we give it. If one uses culturally "bad" words there are social consequences, but I don't want to teach them that there's actually such a thing as an evil word.
I have 4 children. 3 girls 26 , 25 and 13 and 1 boy 14 ... i have never hit , smacked or yelled at them. I find sitting them down and talk threw with them why , and in turn make them think about what they have done wrong ( which is very very rare ) . And how they could of done things differently. And how they now correct that . Be it doing housework. Homework xbox , speaking to each other or to othera etc . And threw talking to them Calmly and letting them reflex on their actions . They have/are growing up to be fine people . They are my greatest achievement and joy . So the thought of hitting them . Insulting them yelling at them. Putting them down . Just is not what i want to teach them , how things need and should to be done
Hope im making sense. Lol.
This is the first video I've rewatched since Andrea's passing. Bittersweet.
I could have really used this video last night when I felt the need to punish one of my children. I should have let the natural consequence teach the lesson but I felt was "not enough". The same thing happened two days in a row and the first time I let the consequence be the end of it but when it happened again the very next day I felt the child thought they had gotten away with it and could do it again. This lead to be spending a whole day thinking up a punishment, which in reflection did not cause the child to think of the person they had wronged but instead kept their focus on themselves. I would love to hear how you would have handled a situation like that.
Just off the top of my head, if it happens again maybe let them spend all day coming up with a satisfactory way to make amends with the person instead of you spending the day thinking of a punishment. In the past, when I've told one of my kids that they need to think of a way to make amends, I have them run their ideas by me so I can make sure it sounds appropriate. When they come up with a good one, we run it by the wronged person to make sure it sounds good to them, too. If it does, we're all happy. It's also an opportunity to talk to the "victim" about forgiveness and the fact that they also need to forgive if they want to be forgiven when they do wrong things.
Thank you for taking the time to reply Andrea. My husband and I spent some time discussing your advice; It was very helpful. I have found all your videos so helpful. Seeing your videos on A.C.E. helped me to make the decision purchase and use it for one of my children. You are a blessing!
Thank you x
How would you handle a child who bites and scratches and hits their sibling?
I find your videos interesting. I like the personal "feel" of your vids and although my children are grown I'm filing away tidbits for future grandchildren (my oldest boy is 24 and his girlfriend also 24, has a 3.5 year old who lives with her mother due to her having had mental breakdown and other emotional challenges. And my youngest will be 20 in October (his fiancé will be 25 also in October {that's a whole other ball of wax}) they have suffered 3 miscarriages in under 2 years; she can't carry past 6-7 weeks gestation...
Sorry, off topic... I truly enjoy the topics you cover. You offer great incite which I file away as I said for future grandbabies. Our "step" grandson's grandmother has not accepted us and we have never actually met him, this doesn't mean we don't try but she finds excuses to not get to know us or allow us to interact with him. His mom talks about Mimi and Papa (me and my husband) all the time when she visits him nearly daily. And no, there's no court ordered anything for him but my son and his mom aren't even allowed to bring him anywhere because of the control she (the other grandmother) uses to make her own daughter feel not in control of her child's life.
Thank you for these vids!!! Brightest blessing from my home to yours!
Thank you thank you thank you! Thanks for sharing this video, and being so brave and willing to share. I have a question. I get the natural consequence and letting kids kind a feel the pain of their mistakes, but how do you handle 1) when siblings are fighting (hitting and not sharing 2) Sassy talk or arguing 3) direct disobedient like when you tell a kid to do something or stop and they just do it anyway 4) toddlers touching things they shouldn't (like reaching for things on the counters they shouldn't? I watched this video at the perfect time. Thank you so much. God bless...By the way this is Sara not Caleb. I use my husband's account. :-)
I was guessing this must be a wife on a husband's account. You sounded like a mom! :) We kind of approach those problems (which we have plenty of at our house) in 3 main ways. First off, we purposely spend time as part of our school routine talking about character issues and role-playing these very scenarios when everyone is calm and receptive. I aim for once or twice a week with these character talks. I can tell when it's been too long since we've had one (like right now when we're on summer break!) I try to make sure there isn't any question in someone's mind about what is appropriate in a given situation. Secondly, we address it in the moment by reminding them what is okay and what isn't okay. And no, I don't always do it calmly. I'm working on that... (Points for mom if she doesn't yell!) Then, if it doesn't stop -or of it was something severe enough- we would go ahead and impose a punishment. If kids are fighting, I might send them to their beds for awhile. Little ones that won't stop touching dangerous things might get a slap on the hand or put in the crib or highchair, whatever makes most sense at the moment. The last resort for me if a child is being directly defiant is to let them know I'll be talking to Daddy about it and he'll see them about it when he gets home. I just walk away then. That terrifies them even though Tom isn't harsh or mean. I guess it just seems so much scarier to get in trouble with Dad. That usually puts a stop to it and then Tom deals with the child when he gets home. Usually all he has to do is talk to them, but sometimes he imposes a further punishment. The most recent one he gave was two of our children were banned from playing computers, x-box and tablets for a month for doing something that still makes me shake my head when I think about it. What were they thinking?!
Thank you for responding and the helpful "real" thoughts. God Bless.
Great conversation! I really needed to hear this and will be trying to change my words to implement more natural consequences, especially with morals. How would you address kids being encouraged to do things that mom would not approve of? I know we usually think about that as peer pressure... but what about when it comes from grandparents? As in "Sure, you can have dessert even though you didn't eat your dinner, just don't tell mom." Or, "I'll get you this toy, but you should hide it in or under your bed so your mom doesn't find it." It doesn't really do any good to talk to the grandparents, so what do you tell the kids? Any advice would be appreciated.
I would have a twofold approach. I'd remove the problem by telling everyone that grandma and grandpa set the rules at their house so if they say you can have dessert even if you didn't eat dinner, that's just fine. Every house has it's own rules and we can learn to adjust our behavior accordingly. We've had that talk with our kids many times. For instance, they have several different friends with trampolines and each family has it's own trampoline rules (or lack thereof.) When the kids complain about strict rules at some houses, I remind them everyone has their own rules and that's okay. If you happily let the kids live by grandma and grandpa rules at their house, grandma and grandpa won't be able to use your more strict rules against you. Then I'd talk to the kids about telling the truth, no matter what someone asks them to do. After their next trip to grandma and grandpa's, ask about things they might lie about and react to everything calmly. If they tell the truth, be interested and enjoy talking about the fun they had. If they lie (which you may or may not know) have the conversation about telling the truth again. It'll take time to change the dynamics, but seven though you can't control grandma and grandpa, you can take the wind out of their sails by condoning toys and dessert at their house even if you don't at your own.
Andrea was an amazing mom, wife and woman.
These are great ideas unless you have a child who could care less about the natural consequences, for the most part. This child was adopted from foster care and has some baggage from that so I have to think in a whole new way about consequences vs punishment. It is an on going thing. I have to be one step ahead of her always. She has come a long way but still has a ways to go. By the grace of God we will get there :) I must say I view the bad words situation differently. I can't stand to hear cuss words, they make me cringe, I have to hear them out in the world when we go somewhere, the last thing I want is to hear them in the safety of my home. I do not allow such things and from the mouths of my children who are supposed to be an example of Christmas with their mouths. I tell them that of they choose such things when they are grown and out on their, that is between them and God but here I have chosen to not allow such things in my house and they must obey that. Thank goodness not of my kids like such words either. This doesn't just go with cussing, I have built this standard for a lot of things such as this. They know that all of the rules and standards I have placed in my home are for the making of good character and mature adults and to be Christ like, that it's is the goal. However,like I said if they chose otherwise when on their own then it is between them and God, and I remind them that the consequence of their actions as adults can be much much bigger than at home. I encourage them to learn and grow habits and character here with me so they won't struggle with it as an adult. I am a single mom and so I feel sometimes I have to be a bit tougher on some areas otherwise it is them against me and I am definitely out numbered lol. BTW I really enjoy your videos, I always look forward to them :) Thanks for sharing.
Sorry for all of the typos, I hope you can decipher them lol I am in a hurry :/
I think maybe you've misunderstood the bad words thing. My children don't say them. I accomplished this by helping them think through the consequences of being a person like that, not by making a rule against it. It seems like we actually have pretty similar methods, we just think of them in different ways! Yes, natural consequences aren't always appropriate; let wisdom dictate!
+Andrea Mills Sorry, maybe I have misunderstood you. I took it as they could say them but their character would be questioned. I believe we do think alike in a lot of areas, that's another reason I love to watch your videos :) Yes, wisdom is key! Just out of curiosity, what would you do if one of your children did use profanity?
I needed this reminder!!!! Thank you!!! :)
💙💙💙💙
I know I am late in the conversation, but would like to know if you have any ideas about natural consequence of not brushing teeth? It takes a long time for cavities to crop up, so this has been a struggle with two of my children. Plus, it seems like with younger kids, they would not truly see the consequence of having a cavity. Would you make them pay the dentist bill? I want you to know I really love your videos and how you are so purposeful and organized.
Several of us moms were talking about this very topic today and that it seems to be our observation that some kids are prone to cavities and some are not seemingly independent of their oral hygiene habits. I think we carry an unrealistic burden around on that point. I've known several people who claim to have rarely brushed their teeth as children and they reached adulthood without a single cavity. Others (myself included), had very good brushing habits and a mouthful of cavities. That being said, I would try to focus more on building a solid routine rather than using consequences. As adults, we brush our teeth every morning because it feels weird not to. The habit is so strong that we can't not do it. We use little routine charts to help the kids remember the basic things they need to do each morning and night and I check at some point in the late morning to determine if everyone did everything. This is certainly not a definitive answer, but I hope it's at least food for thought.
I've been thinking more about your question and I have another thought to add. Aside from the cavity issue, if you have been putting routines into place for your little guys to do, including brushing their teeth, and they don't do them at the appropriate time, the natural consequence is that they have to go back and do it on their own time. Waiting until they are having a lot of fun doing something might be just the right time to ask if they have remembered to brush their teeth and have them go back and do it if they haven't. (You can check to see if the toothbrsuh is wet so you can know if they're answering truthfully.) On one of the Love and Logic CDs I listened to, there was a dad who would wait until his son was asleep to make sure he'd taken out the trash. If he hadn't, he'd wake him up and have him get up and do it. He wasn't mean about it. He just displayed the attitude that he knew his son was really trying to establish good habits and he's just helping him out.
+Andrea Mills Thank you so much for this. I read Love and Logic and I really liked it a lot. My parenting situation is a little different than most as my first two children have medical issues and so we had more details to deal with than the normal with taking medicines, breathing treatments, etc. Teeth were really low on the priority list and my strong willed daughter went through a non teeth brushing stage, as a means of control. She is now 19 and I'm fairly sure she brushes regularly at this point. My boys are both really good about brushing their teeth. Now we have a daughter who we adopted from China when she was 6. She is now 11 and hates the flavor of pretty much all toothpaste, especially mint. I'm also fairly sure she didn't brush teeth at all before she came to us, so this has been somewhat of a struggle all along. And she has braces and a tendency toward bad breath. We are planning on adopting more children, and I really agree with your parenting style, so I wanted to know what you would do here. Thank you for the ideas. Getting the child out of bed to take out the trash made me laugh. I don't think I would ever do that as my children would make me miserable with not being able to go back to sleep. Interrupting play time, or especially screen time, seems like a fantastic plan though.
You have your hands full and big full heart, too! With my little ones that don't like toothpaste, I just have them brush with plain water. When they are 3 or under, it's more like chewing on a toothbrush than it is brushing. :) I've heard of these sticks you can chew on for cleaning your teeth. Maybe that might be preferable for any of the children who aren't liking the toothbrush. Oh, here, I found a link to some; I'm sure there are a lot of places out there that sell them: www.miswakstick.com/
Maybe she could brush her teeth using baking soda. That would do the trick of getting her teeth clean and she wouldn't have to taste toothpaste. You could also look into more natural toothpastes or ones without flavoring.
what do you your kids do outside of home to make friends and play?
I was curious, do you spank your kids ever. I know scripture says “that hand that spares the rod spoils the child” but I still see many homeschool moms differ in opinions of this. I really appreciate any feedback!! Love your channel
Obviously. Andrea sadly you're not here RIP. we love you. However if you allow your children to experience the natural consequences of their actions, then they throw a fit that henders the the whole family, and puts them all behind schedule. Then what?
That is the thing you have to learn how to handle. THEY need to experience the natural consequences of their actions, it should not be YOU that experiences those consequences. There are many creative ways you could handle such a situation. Perhaps you could have someone come over to stay with them, and then they miss out on whatever is happening. Or if they do not want to go, have a friend come watch them then add something fun to the schedule, if you all come home with ice cream, that wont likely happen all that often. Once you get this concept working, those things will be a rarity. Kids are smart, they throw fits because they work! If they get the reaction they want, they will never stop them. Once they stop getting the desired reaction, they will stop, all by their own decisions.
I just found your channel, and I see traits of a virtuous woman In you, I've taken alot from you. however the bible says spare the rod spoil the child and as parents God charges us for our children. allowing them to curse if they want seems no biblical, the bible says as for me and my house we will serve the lord. my mom being a pastor did not allow worldly music and cursing. she said for as long as you live in my house you will obey my rules. God gives us children as a gift and we must train and raise them up his way, that when they are older they may not stray. either way, I love your organization and handy skills. the bible states a virtuous women does what ever her hands find to do. You've really blessed me and I'm now organizing more and looking into getting back to sewing. God bless
I think that my point wasn't very clear. I'm not saying my children walk around saying bad words. They don't at all. My point is that we want them to think through actions on their own rather than just obeying rules. We try to encourage them to understand the consequences of their actions and make the appropriate choices. Some people to force the right behaviors- apart from heart desire- and other want to encourage heart desire and let the right behavior follow. That's where we're coming from. If we had a child who started defiantly making bad decisions, we would do something about it, but we'd rather encourage good decision making from the start. I appreciate all your kind words!
The Bible doesn't say," Spare the rod spoil the child". It says," If you spare the rod you hate your son". It also says," Chasten your son while there is hope". The Bible definitely is ok with spanking, but " Spare the rod, spoil the child " is not a Bible verse.
My little girl thinks that the tv is a touch screen so she pounds against it when the Netflix show is waiting to change. I can't afford to wait until the tv breaks for her to stop so my solution is to give a warning that if she doesn't stop then the show will stop and she won't get it again until the next tv opportunity.
What's your opinion on these type of naturally invented disciplines.
I also do if they play with their food (hands in yogurt, smearing it on the table etc) one warning stating what will happen and the second time that particular food goes away- i.e. The yogurt, there is still banana, juice, toast etc.
I agree with you. One of the things children have to learn is that if they don't use things correctly or respect other people's property, the natural consequence is that they'll no longer be welcome to use it!
Your channel showed up in my feed and I genuinely enjoy it; although we have very different views on many topics. You clearly have much more experienced than I am as I don't have any kids but I nanny 3. I really disagree with what you said about the curse words, teaching kids to not curse then because others will judge them...isn't that going to put the idea that in their head that judging someone based on that person's choice of words is acceptable?
No, I'm just being realistic. I used a word on one video that freaked people out even though I said it in a way that was correct, in no way derogatory or even directed at a person, but you'd think I was a terrible person the way some people react to it. It's just the reality of the world we live in. People are judgmental.
Also missing breakfast if their late to the table seems a bit crazy. Children are kids. Breakfast isnt something you participate in its something you do to feed your body and give it nutrients. What if someone is truly not hungry at 8am? What if your kid had a hard time sleeping and needed a little extra rest and didnt make it up and ready to the table just so he can eat at 8am... just a thought also.
I don't remember what I said about breakfast in this video because it made it some time ago. I can assure you no one goes hungry. They might miss out on pancakes and have to make their own cereal or eat some fruit, but we're not in the habit of starving children.
I say curse words sometimes. not alot but i do. and judging someone if they say shit when they stub their toe or say damn when they miss a turn or sometimes slip a bad word.. does not in ANY way put thaT person in a category. Im a great person with great morals and intentions. I would not instill in your children's Mind that if someone says a bad word they are not a great person. Just a thought.
life memories agreed. I've always told my child that the words mommy and daddy use are not OK for children to say but when she is an adult she is free to speak however she wants.
I truly don't think she's trying to categorize adults who use that language as being bad people. She's trying to send a message to her children, and like it or not, you ARE judged, consciously or subconsciously, by the people who hear you say it.
jessica m with much respect, I ask if you may please consider it from my perspective. It is just as bad to hear bad language from an adult than from a child speaking that way. Why can't they speak that way now, if they will speak that way someday anyway? I think because we instinctively know it is inappropriate and honestly takes away from their innocence. I relate cussing to violence and people trying to be tough or trying to impress. Eventually it becomes natural and it is not used with that exact intention, but it sounds wrong and uneducated. Of course, many people who are intelligent and obtain good life values may say a few bad words, but I believe using that type of vocabulary does not only hinder their personality, but their souls, and the ones of those who surround. Specially children, it taints their purity.
God rest your soul