About 6 years ago, I went through my phone and socials and deleted all the people who only contact me when they want something, or never make the effort. Life became a lot simpler and less stressful after doing this
i actually ‘tested’ it the other day. a ‘friend’ of mine only checks in how i am doing when she needs to vent herself. so i replied with ‘i am well but bogged down with work’, as i recently started a new job. purposely not asking her back how she is. sure enough she has not replied since. 😂
I used to be friends with a girl who completely used me for so many things. She was so lazy and couldn't grow up. I finally realized life is much better without her and I have time for people who actually care@@deliaholm2653
"You want to come in my life? The door is open. You want to leave? The door is open. Just one request. Don't stand at the door. You are blocking traffic." This meme says it all. It's how I feel about friends (and family) who reach out then go radio silent after you respond. It makes no sense?? Love me or leave me - just make a decision. It's a mind f--k.
My work colleagues were my besties and more like family! We went away together and our children grew up playing together and are still close. However I got very ill ended up on feeding tube in and out of hospital surgeries ect and all I can say is that you really find out how true your friendships are when you are no longer in their vision or thoughts 😢 so sad ❤
Sorry that happened to you. Tough times reveal who the real ones are, easier to be around when it’s glitzy and Instagram worthy moments. Not many can be there through that good and bad times. Hope you’re doing better health wise and have accepted their departure from your life ❤️🩹.
A friend of mine for 5 years…who I hung out with almost every day….we were both in our late 30s. She learnt everything about a business I ran by staying close to me pretending to be my bestie and ONE FINE DAY OUT OF THE BLUE, she decided to open the exact same business in the exact same community and THREW ME UNDER THE BUS literally over night…COPIED EVERY SINGLE THING I did in my business,100% AN IDENTITY THEFT…..and the next day started talking down to me and ACTED like she had done nothing wrong….she actually said to me ‘I haven’t done anything illegal’…..IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST PAINFUL time of my life….5 years later I still haven’t gotten over it…..
@@joannepinnow6929 imagine how it felt like when I found out through an marketing email that she sent out in the community that had a flyer of her business….THAT LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE MINE….with MINOR tweaks here and there….a KNIFE IN THE BACK INDEED
Friendships are tough! As a 73 year old, I can tell you this has happened to me so many times. People come into our lives for a reason at various points in our lives.
I started writing this comment by listing my experiences, which made me realize how hurt I still am, especially by the most recent one that happened 6 months ago after 18 years of friendship. I wish those of us all still hurting to heal as quickly as possible and sending my love to you all ❤
You are definitely not alone, Charlotte. I'm 65 years old, and this has happened to me on three occasions over my lifetime. I, too, was nonplussed at the time, but it was a long time ago now. I have three close friends of many years standing. I have also made genuine friendships since I got my beautiful dog. You are never too old to make a new friend.
Thank you SO much for addressing this horrible situation of adult friendship breakdowns. I am now 37, and went through this 3 years ago with two of my long term friends (in a group of 5). All of them were bridesmaids at my wedding, we went on holidays together, some of them i’d been friends with since primary school. I genuinely thought this group of women were my ride or die friends till death! A year or two before the breakdown, one of them started acting really odd towards me. Almost ghosting me. Ignoring me most of the time in the group chat, or when she DID acknowledge me, it was always a dig at me or something derogatory. In those last two years of friendship, there were several things she would say to me that really upset me and I had no idea why. I was so confused why this person I loved was acting so mean towards me. In early 2021, a family member died, a close member, in a horrific way. This friend of mine completely acted like I wasn’t alive. No support, not a kind word, nothing. Another of my friends in the group was acting the same. One day I messaged the group chat to apologise for being so distant after the death, and that I had been struggling a lot. The message was ignored, then a couple of days later, these two friends started up a completely different conversation about something on Netflix. Completely ignoring my heartfelt message before. I was devastated. My heart actually broke. So whilst dealing with grief, i also had to deal with the breakdown of two long term friendships. I fell into a deep depression and ended up on medication. It took a LONG time to feel normal again after that. I am a completely different person now to the one when those friendships ended. And I genuinely feel a lot lighter knowing those negative people aren’t in my life anymore x
I am sorry you had to go through that, especially while mourning the death of a loved one. I hope you have found friends who are willing to be emotionally supportive!
@@91GazalAw thank you. It was a really rough time I’ll say that! Thankfully I have since found friends that would 100% be there for me for everything xx
Took me 3 years to recover from a fairly similar situation. The grief was piled on. And then the key alienator spent years lying about me to anyone she could, including new people I was becoming friendly with. I assume it was to self delude about what she'd done at such a horrible time. I keep things really quiet and small now. Most of my friends are from different times and places, and they don't know each other. There's no way I'm ever being part of a group like that ever again. I've learned a bit about the "Wendy" phenomenon (i.e. "being a Wendy" - although I really hate that a specific name has been ascribed to this behaviour) - I introduced the worst perpetrator into a group and she effectively bullied me out at the worst possible point of my life when close relative's death, and strain, marital and financial pressure were all hitting me at the same time... I can't help but suspect she just saw the opportunity to make herself central to the group and get me out.
That group dynamic yes had issues too. Prefer friends from different areas of life. And if family is involved and the reason makes no sense it can be hard.
When I was 13 years old, a friend broke up in a handwritten letter saying I couldnt contact her ever again. No specific reason. I felt worthless and not good or smart enough. It stuck with me for many years- I just turned 40.
I think people assume all kids do this kind of unkind thing, but then they grow up and change. Like all bullies disappear when they become adults. I don't think that's true in a lot of cases. They're the same people, they just hide it better. Like the girls who I sat with at lunch when I was 13 who one day happily announced they had something to tell me, then started chanting at me "we don't want to you to hang out with us at lunch anymore" (alternating who said each successive word in the sentence). I walked to the store that lunchtime by myself, crying the whole way, then sat crying as I ate my chocolate bar. Are those girls nice people now, or do they do similar things but in a way more socially acceptable for grownups (like completely cutting someone off out of the blue)?
I think she still struggles. Now that Im grown up, I look back and know she struggled back then, and that it probably didnt have anything to do with me. I hold no grudge, I think im at a better place in my life than her, and I really wish her the best. Hurt people hurt people.
Death scares many people. I was recently diagnosed with advanced cancer and it has been surprising who has come through (like my ex) and who have abandoned my husband and I, some of them his friends for over 30 years. So it can happen to guys as well as us gals. These are the situations where you find out who these people are. I look upon it that over time, people grow in different dirctions, priorities change. It is only under duress that these come to the fore. I am grateful to have found out who my true friends are. Thanks for discussing such a thorny topic!
And then there’s the people who are only around when life tosses you a curve ball and disappear when everything is going well. I find that equally disturbing. I wish you all the best during this tough time.
This was such a fabulous video. I didn’t realise how much I needed to hear this. I am a neurodivergent 53 year old woman who struggles to form friendships, the friends I have are super close and so important but when the end, which they do, I just don’t understand at all. I always assume I am at fault and an unlovable person. I have reached a point where I have accepted close female friendships are for other women. I know my solitude impacts my husband because he wants there to see me aaa he does. Knowing I am not alone in experiencing and feeling these things has meant so much. Thank you lovely human xx
Thank you for talking about this! I can definitely relate to this with a group of friends I had a few years ago. The one friend I was closest to suddenly gave me the cold shoulder and then I stopped getting invited to events. It was very obvious and hurtful. She never told me why she didn't want to be friends anymore or give me any feedback about what was bothering her. That's what bothered me the most. I had a lot of the same thoughts and fears "there is something wrong with me" "I am a bad friend". But with more time, I have realized I wouldn't do that to someone else without ever talking them about it and trying to fix things.
I was listening to this on headphones whilst cooking, and could *hear* how painful this was for you to talk about 💜 As soon as you mentioned losing your friend, and your son's friend's brain tumour my head said - there it is. It's a terrible cliche, but for good reason, that death makes people behave in ways seemingly really out of character. A few years ago I experienced 3 bereavements in 3 consecutive years, all really different. When I went back to work after the last one my manager said to be prepared for people disappearing. No way I thought, but sure enough... It's a very strange thing but I've read and heard of it often. People who are highly supportive, emotionally intelligent and so on, just can't handle death, or the possibility of it. And so they do nothing. Not through lack of care but sheer inability. Honestly I wanted to write something about bereavement after my experiences as all the different behaviours, scenarios, reactions were astonishing to me. For anyone struggling with what to do or say during or after a bereavement or awful time, please don't say nothing. Simply saying you are there, offering to go and just sit with a person, talk about the person they lost, take them a home cooked meal, offer to go for a walk. All these things can make a huge difference and make a person feel supported and held. Charlotte I'm so sorry for your experience. I think this was a lovely idea for a 'lets talk' video and I'm sure it's helped and reassured so many of us, lots of love xx
Thank you for sharing your experience. I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer 5 years ago and the friends and family who I thought were closest to me just ended up distancing themselves from me. It's sad and isolating, but unfortunately very common. Great thing is there were SOO many more kind humans who showed up in the most unexpected ways... my coworkers, ladies from church, distant family members who actively reached out.... they have been my biggest supporters. So grateful for them.
That happened to one of my close friends. We practically were so close even after my 2nd move out of the country we were still close. I was so gutted when she started ghosting me when I moved back. She has another best friend but the moment that best friend moved away, she slowly changed. Whenever I reached out, she always made an excuse to not meet up, catch up etc (our kids were friends since kindergarten) and within 4 years she gradually phased me out (but still hanging out with our mutual friends). I supported her through the death of her dog, listened to her problems with her family etc. she will answer my text sporadically, cancelling plans last minute and her mood is like hot and cold. It feels like a total mindf*ck!! I started second guessing, questioning myself what I have done wrong. Asked her if I have done anything to hurt her etc. Her excuse is no, she is just busy. Eventually The last straw was when I invited her for our son’s important event (a Bar Mitzvah). Gave her the invite 2 months in advance, she looked at my face and said she will come (but my gut feeling said otherwise) true enough less than 24 hours before the event, she bailed out. I cut her out of my life from then on. I dont have time for mind games..😢
In my 53 years I have experienced this several times. I still love them deep down same as you with those friends but I’ve been hurt so now I have really no “close” friends except my sister and my daughters. I have a few who I could probably reach out if I needed to but none that I speak to daily or hang out with anymore. I’m tired of trying to keep friendships going. I take care of me and my family and I’m honestly ok with that now.
Oh my gosh I thought it was just me! I'm reluctant to get super close for fear of being broken hearted again. I was fine with it for a while, but lately I really wish I had more close friends. At this point it's my fault for not putting myself out there more, but part of me thinks, "why bother, you just end up hurt!". It's a sad cycle I need to get out of. Big hugs to everyone!!❤️🩹
Same here I just mainly hang out with close family not cousins and aunts because they hurt me also but close family. Friends are so hard to maintain they leave so easily even though you works so hard at those friendships. It’s just not worth the effort most times 💔
I had a very similar situation to this. My absolute best friend who was like a sister to me and I did everything with, who supported me when my dad died etc, after about 6 years of friendship just started slowly starving the relationship by cancelling on me, making vague accusations about me to other people, not wanting to hang out and so on. She started hanging out with some people who seemed to hate me on sight, and one in particular seemed to really want me out of the picture. Some other weird things happened around then, such as she one day broke down in front of me and accused a girl we used to know at school of having SA'd her, but I knew she hadn't seen her for years. She also wrote me a really nasty letter one day demanding I call her and just saying horrible things about me. Things staggered along for a while, l started working and she went to do a postgrad. She also started seeing a therapist for depression, and then things went really downhill. It was like suddenly I was locked out of her life. She'd tell me she couldn't come out because she was depressed, but then I'd hear she'd been out with other people we knew. The therapist sessions seemed to turn her against me, but she never said why. One day she called me saying she was suicidal. She was hysterical and it took 3 hours to calm her down and get her to promise to call 999 or go straight to a doctor. I was in the south east and she was in Newcastle at this time, and i was skint, but I got straight on a train that weekend to see her and support her. While there we decided to go to a nightclub with some friends, and at the end of the night, all of us got separated from her. Nobody could reach her on her phone, she just vanished into thin air. Eventually we all had to leave and made our way home. A few hours later, she turned up, soaking wet, slamming doors and yelling at me about how I'd abandoned her, and it was typical of me etc (this is the one and only time we'd ever been separated like that and it was her who had gone off). She was screaming at me and wouldn't calm down for ages while i tried to reason with her. All her housemates had been with me all night but were too weak to back me up. We kind of made up the next day, but it was never the same. She eventually returned to our hometown and it was like she was allergic to me. She would find any reason not to see meor reply to messages, and when she did, she wouldn't be her old self, it was like talking to a. stranger. I got angrier and stopped beating myself up as much about it, I just felt let down and hurt. One day, she cancelled on me for the third time in a row, just before Christmas. That was it for me, I gave her a piece of my mind, and told her I was fed up with how she was treating me. I think she responded but I can't remember what was said. I decided I'd had enough and I finally cut her off and decided not to contact her again. We didn't talk for about 8 years, by which time I'd had my son. I never really understood what had happened or how such a dear friend could just cut me out of her life like that for no reason. It was one of the most painful things I've ever been through. I spoke to a therapist about it, I spoke to mutual friends, I tried desperately to find a reason for it all, but finally I just had to move on. One day, out of the blue, about 8 years later, I got a text message saying she'd seen me outside mothercare and wanting to make contact again. No explanation or anything, just as though we'd lost touch naturally. The curiosity and needing answers led me to let her in again. It seemed to be going OK. We messaged, discussed motherhood (she had also had a son), had a couple of nice day trips together, and I thought maybe it was all a blip and things would get back on track. She told me she had been diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and was now on lithium, which I felt maybe explained some of the erratic behaviour from before, but she still never gave me a reason or apology. We arranged to meet up again and I messaged her. No reply. messaged again, still no reply. I tried phone and FB, nothing. I backed off. This went on for several months and once again, I heard from mutual friends that she was spending time with them regularly. After a few months and one last attempt, I finally blocked her, and as painful as it was, I just felt duped and used. I will never ever allow her near me again. I also cut out all the mutuals as I realised they were unhealthy to be around, and I didn't owe them a window into my life. I still find it very upsetting. I'm 48 now and the first cut off was when I was late 20s, the second one mid thirties. I'll never know how much of the friendship was real. The second time round she told me she'd thrown away all my letters, even though I'd kept hers all those years. That to me said a lot about our intent towards each other. I don't know what part the bipolar played, I have other bipolar friends and they are decent people who struggle sometimes, but are basically good friends. I don't know what she said to other people about me either, but I know she was saying something bad. Even now, I just don't understand it. I still have dreams about her, her home, her parents etc, trying to process it I guess. It still feels like a knot inside me, even though it's been years now and my whole life has moved on. I know I'm a really good friend. I'm generous and loyal and I've got longstanding friendships. Two of the people who at the time were more secondary friends to me have now been my closest friends for over two decades, we've supported each other through everything life throws at you. The problem isn't me, and that's the biggest realisation for me. I spent years blaming myself and searching for reasons, but sometimes there isn't a reason. Some people are just selfish, cruel, or don't care about you as much as you think they do. As other people have said, it's surprising who your friends really are when the chips are down, and it's often not the people you think. Recently I was put in touch with someone I'd had a passing acquaintance with during the years I was hanging out with the person above. I always thought she was really cool, and we'd chat briefly if I saw her at a club, but that was it. I never knew anything about her, she was kind of friends with my brother and dated a boy I went to school with and clubbed with (who has also turned out to be a really loyal friend unexpectedly). Anyway, we started talking and quickly realised we had loads in common, and that we really like each other. It's turned into one of my closest, most rewarding friendships, even though we now live several counties apart. We often say of romantic relationships that when someone toxic leaves your life, they create room for someone better, and it's true of friendships too. It can be really painful to realise someone didn't care about you the way you cared about them, but ultimately, it improves the quality of your life to get rid of false friends who just create insecurity and doubt. I think it's true that there are friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for life. Real lifelong friendships are rare, but precious. I'm really lucky to have found some wonderful friends over the years. I wish healing for everyone who has been through this experience. It really is like a divorce or death, but things are better once you get to the other side 😊
Ghosted seemingly out of the blue. I still struggle with fixating on trying to understand why this happened and blaming myself for it years after the fact. Grieving the loss of something but also knowing that loss was purposeful and with no explanation is doubly hard.
Thank you so much for this video. I feel like I just got some much needed advice from a good friend. I’ve been through the same thing a few times, but I had one in particular that devastated me. My first marriage ended and I always make a joking remark that he got custody of my best friend but it honestly crushed me. In reality she and I had drifted away a bit already and my ex’s closest friend was and still is her husband, so I get it. It really hurt though (it was an amicable divorce, but still awful, and she had been my maid of honour). She essentially ghosted me and faded out my life but still sees my ex all the time. Everything you said about your inner circle really resonated with me because I’m the same. My husband was watching with me and he remarked that I’m exactly like that with people I love. I didn’t realise how much it still bothered me but your story has helped me realise I need to leave it in the past where it belongs and just remember the good times. I really appreciate it every time you tell us your stories, and I always take positivity away from them. So thank you for being a good friend to women you don’t even know, if that makes any sense (hopefully in a not creepy, non-stalkery way lol). ❤
People that come into your life are for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Rarely do people make it to the lifetime. I so appreciate this discussion as I find most people that come into my life just let me down with their behaviors.
People can really underestimate how hurtful the unbalanced relationship can be. When I broke up with the man who raised my kids for most of their young lives (their biological dad committed suicide when they were toddlers), he allowed the relationship to become horrifically one-sided. I had to beg him to visit them. When the kids became adults, my son, who has serious disabilities and mobility challenges, fought to keep the relationship alive with this person who wouldn't initiate contact and would not make any effort to come see him. This went on for years, and eventually my son was heartbroken when he realized that if he didn't reach out, he wasn't sure his "dad" would ever contact him again and at that point made the exceptionally painful decision to cut him out of his life entirely. I'm so proud of my son for making a difficult decision that was the best one for his emotional health, but I can't help but wish that in my youth I had chosen a stepdad who was worthy of the love my son had to give.
I had to break up a friendship because I found out something really shady about my lifelong friend. I was devastated to find out she wasn’t who I thought she was. I never told her the reason why I distanced myself. What she did felt like a stab wound. She wasn’t a good friend at that point in life. I’m so happy she no longer has any part of my life. I wish her the best but don’t ever want to be around her again. 😢
I almost didn't want to watch this video because I went through such a break up very recently and it's still very upsetting for me to think about. I am your age and I really thought that at this stage in my life I have mature relationships with people and especially with my two closest friends, whom I thought of as family...so I as very unprepared for the shock of the sudden dissolution of our relationship. It put me in very negative head space and I was really spiraling. I found out that talking to my husband and other friends about it really helps. I was very hurt and suddenly had so many negative thoughts about two people that I held in such high regard before. Getting those negative thoughts out felt like cleansing myself from the negativity so that it doesn't consume me.
I'm sorry. I can feel how hurt you (and your children) were by this. It amazes me how some people find it easier to ghost someone rather than have the "tough" conversations. They don't know what to say when you're going through a tough time or don't have the ability to go deep. Others seem to revel in your tough times but disappear when you achieve success bc they aren't happy for you (jealousy). Either way I have experienced both and the heartbreak is real.💔I am like you - I keep my circle very very tight. Lots of acquaintances but only two lifers that I trust completely and call my sisters. Enjoy your chosen family who love you and let go of the rest. 🤗
This is hands down my favourite video from any beauty content creator. It's so meaningful to hear you talk about personal things that we all go through. You've given me a lot to think about. I'm like you and don't have a lot of friends by choice. But I've also gone through what you've described so eloquently. So thanks for sharing and giving us your perspective. It's helped me more than you can imagine❤
2 bridesmaids didn't bother to even text me when I was pregnant ( I'd moved 20 miles away). Then I bumped into one who was shopping with her new boyfriend in my town. She didn't ask how I was or say anything to my son, just said..oh wow youre not selling motherhood. 2nd bridesmaids dropped me once she got a new boyfriend. Other friend I knew from uni vanished after I told her I was struggling with my 2nd son because I had chronic post natal depression. I don't believe they were ever my friend. I trusted them all so much. Never again
Charlotte you have all the good qualities of being a good friend, watching your videos is like having really good company, you seem to be very caring, understanding and make people laugh. I had the same not with a friend but with sisters.
@@Linda-bh5yx same here it was after my father died they decided they didn’t like me anymore. So blocked their number and on fb. I will never know why or what I did if I did anything strange
This has happened to my with my sister too. I totally understand when Charlotte says you start to question yourself and if i'm the problem (even though i know i'm not). Nothing obvious happened and i am left so confused and hurt.
There’s another part to this that might help you or someone else. Something very similar to what you described with your very best friend happened to me as well, except I was the other friend. I moved far away from my very best friend and my life got very busy, and as time moved on it became harder and harder to reach out (like you described at 32:00, it’s exactly how I felt). We have since gotten back together which I’m eternally grateful for, but it’s definitely because of her persistence. The thing is…I never had any idea that I was that important to her. She told me, for sure she told me. And she was (and is) enormously important to me. But I have struggled with low self-worth for my entire life, and it’s very very difficult to imagine anyone feeling sad about losing me. Even listening to you become so emotional…I can only think, wow is that how my friend felt about losing me? Why would anyone feel that way about losing me? She has so many other people in her life…I know this probably sounds stupid but I’ve never felt worthy of anyone. It’s also why I struggle in relationships. I take on way more than the other person and eventually give up because I feel “unseen” and like I have lost myself in the other person…when the other person is just thinking, “hey I never asked you to put in that much effort for me…,” but if I don’t, I can’t relax. Because I don’t feel worthy of anyone. I’m not asking anyone to tell me that I am…I’m fully aware that this mindset is not healthy and I’m working on it. I’m just offering up this perspective as “the other friend” in an almost identical situation (minus the really terrible life events you were experiencing when she disappeared).
Well spoken I think perhaps we need to talk to ourselves (our self talk) needs an upgrade in the sense that we need to think and treat ousrselves as good as our best friends - How would you treat YOU as a good friend and DO IT 😘 Much ❤️
I don't understand how self esteem has anything to do with that, if you trully cared for the other person and valued her friendship why wouldn't you reach out? (I'm not judging, I'm genuinely trying to put myself in your situation and understand your perspective).
Friendship breakups are worse than romantic ones. I still have vivid dreams about people I was close with in college and lost touch with and wake up feeling so upset and tbh that’s never really happened to me with ex bfs on the same emotional level
When, I was 24 years old, my best friend, since we were little kids, suddenly called to my work place and told me “I don’t want to be your friend anymore”, with no reason. She broke my heart and soul, she was my person. That was the worst break up I ever experienced in my life. We grew apart and I moved around the world for many years… Sincerely, I convinced myself I never would recoverer from that. My friendships became more superficials and I never let anyone else be too close to me. Now, in my mid forties we’re living again in the same country and for the last couple years she pursuit and almost begging me to recovery our friendship, she calls and says “I missed you so much for the last two decades” but now it’s way too late, I’m happy and have healthy relationships, I healed. I don’t know that person anymore and I don’t want to know her again.
I can really relate to this topic. But you can't force people to give you the why of it all. And that's very hard for me personally. Especially as you get older, making friends can be very difficult. ❤
I still have my very best friend since age 15. Again I am 64, almost 65. Everyday or a couple of days we talk. We can disagree on just about everything, argue and then we just crack up for hours. I love her more than anything.
I think adult friendship breakups was one of the most shocking aspects of adulthood for me. It’s actually only last year I realised too that someone who was toxic to you could simultaneously be great to someone else. That’s just the way life is sometimes.
my 22 yr old son suffers from some mental health issues. about 2 months ago he literally ghosted all of his friends. even his cousin. fortunately with some therapy, adjusting meds he reached out to them today. i was so relieved they " accepted " him back!
I only have one long term friend. Friends come and go and you change and evolve over time... Most of my friends now are online, within the beauty industry (I'm a beauty professional).I've been speaking with many people for over 12 years now... 😎💜
You look gorgeous! It’s great we can talk about ended friendships here so ty. Hugs. I had a 45 year friendship end in May. I had to let her go. After being hurt so many times over the years.. a little piece of my heart got broken off each time, until there was no heart left (for the friendship). I have no regrets.
I think you are spot on. Sometimes people can’t apologise and they turn the situation around perhaps because they can’t face themselves. Feeling vulnerable or ashamed is intolerable for some people. But I always think the best part of us is our ability to be humble, say sorry and truly mean it.. When I feel deeply hurt (and it’s happened a few times) I try not to hit back. Hurt feelings can make us react strongly. I keep remembering that I’m better than that and refuse to lower myself by acting spitefully. That way we can start to heal and move on.
My long-time best friend left me at the worst time of my life after a decade of supporting her during HER worst time, just when she got to the best time of her life. She even said to my face a few weeks before she moved 11 hours away and barely contacted me again that she thinks some friends are useful during some periods of your life and then you drift apart and then come back together again at other times (she said this in relation to another of her close friends that she wasn't talking much to anymore). Well, that might suit her style of friendship and help with any feelings of guilt she might have toward the friends she uses and loses, but I think it's a pretty selfish philosophy. I don't become good friends with people I think will leave me when the tables finally turn and I need them, but she did. I keep trying to understand the reasoning behind it. I think in her case, there's an aspect of, I don't want to remember the worst time of my life (her divorce from an abusive husband, struggling to support two children on her own), so I'm going to cut out everything that reminds me of it - including the people who got me through it.
I had a good friend until 3 years ago she suddenly stopped communicating. She had moved away to be with her mother and daughter. Not far away and then stopped answering my calls. I even reached out to her daughter who I really loved and nothing. I never figured out why so I just moved on.
I had a friend in high school that I actually stepped away from because her dad flirted with me and I didn’t know how to explain that. She was close when her family and always wanted me to come over.
I had to do the same, for the same reasons, I didnt ignore my friend, just didnt want to come to her house and watch her dad stare at me all the time, it was creepy and makes me unconfortable even today thinking about it.. But how could I explain to her? She loved her dad and I am sure she had no idea as to why I would stop visiting, feel sorry for her if I caused her any pain, because she is great friend.
That's the kind of thing I mean when I say people who ditch friends suddenly and inexplicably could have legitimate reasons that they really CAN'T tell you about, you would just have no way of guessing them. In most cases, if someone explained to you they'd be your friend but never wanted to go near your dad, the friend with the creepy dad would just end up cutting you off anyway because they were offended or didn't want to hear it. It's a no-win.
Ok ladies ( and gents ), I’ve just clicked the ‘Like’ button. To my horror there were only 702 ‘likes’. Please, let’s show the like button some love. Apparently it matters to those who are trying to use RUclips to earn a living. I’ve never met Charlotte, don’t know any of her relatives or friends. Why don’t we give it a go? It’s not difficult, not demanding, so if it’s actually no big deal, give it a press. Please ❤ xxxx 😘
Omg Charlotte thank you so much for talking about this! I had no idea how common it is. My best friend who was like a sister to me suddenly ghosted me, not long after I'd had my baby boy. It hit me hard because I was grieving the loss of someone I loved and relied on, but there was such feelings of shame, embarrassment and self-blaming. Like you, the hardest thing was when family would ask after her and I'd have to say she was no longer in our lives anymore and they'd be hurt too. And I felt isolated with my baby since I always had a very small but close number of friends. But slowly slowly I made new friends and I realised that, if someone can do something like that to you, the problem is theirs. Thanks so much for sharing and reading everyone else's comments too definitely made me feel less alone :)
My 17 year old daughter, when she cried her heart out about her friends ditching her, I felt so bad and so sad. I immediately got her into therapy because I wasn’t sure of what was happening. To watch the video, makes me feel like we all experience these things, anywhere. Thank you for this video!!!!
It’s best to deal with this at the young age, where your heart condition is strong. You can’t take the heart breaking when you are mid-age. Like my friend, she haven’t deal with friends’ betrayal in her life. It happened to her few years ago in her mid-age. She almost breakdown
My best friend of over 30 years, who I met at work. We had lunch every day when we worked together. My husband and I moved 2 hours away, but our friendship was still so special. We could drive and meet each other and do all the girly things, eating and shopping, once a month. We would go to the beach for a week every summer. All of that stopped with covid. We talk on the phone every week but haven't seen each other since 2018. I am retired but she is still working and has to take care of her 92 year old Mother when she is not working. We are still friends but the closeness is gone. 😢
Covid broke up a lot of friendships. It altered peoples perceptions and behaviors. It will nevrr go back to the same again. I'm sorry for you. Lost some friends BC of it. Worst part, it wasn't deaths, at all.
I follow a tier system when it comes to friends. I have a small handful of very close mates, and then a much larger group of people I enjoy occasionally, but keep on the periphery for various good reasons. This is mostly due to my private nature and not wanting to engage and divulge details to those I do not feel always have my interests at heart. I do not make much effort when it comes to the outer periphery, but that is not to say that it isn’t pleasurable when catching up with these people to enjoy a few hours and laughs. No getting down to the nitty gritty, it’s all about lightheartedness. I have lost friends who have been in the top tier, but have been moved to the second tier and that can be as simple as not having as much in common as we once did, or someone more significant as a breach of trust. I’m glad you have made peace with your situation with your close friend. We are constantly evolving and sometimes we need to let go or have somebody else let go of us. And, who doesn’t love one of those intense chance meetings with a stranger that can sometimes have more meaning than years spent with others? ❤
I’m going through a friendship breakup now so this video really hits hard. I’m really hurt and experiencing the emotions you mentioned - about not feeling good enough/not measuring up. I have to remind myself that I am worthy of true friendship and don’t deserve the treatment. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. ❤
Of course, you are worthy of that! :) I feel like it would also be good for us to know what kind of friendships we'd like. For me, it is more of an acquaintance if someone only spends time with me to do fun things (and not much else), while for a lot of people that is already a good friend. I would like to have emotional support/advice as well, while others aren't willing to do that. I think overall, same as with a romantic relationship, it would be good to think about what you want in a friendship and to know that the people who know this and yet aren't willing to be that person for you, aren't worth your love and effort as a friend. Or you see them as an acquaintance, as Charlotte said, someone you used to know.
Thank you for sharing , Charlotte! Maintaining your core values while going through a distressing experience, speaks volumes of your character! 🙌🏽💕 Here’s another meme, “You still haven’t met all the people who are going to love you!”
I grew up in a military family and always expected friendships to end. We keep in touch on social media, but it's not the same as every day in person. It is so much easier to make friends in school than as an adult at work.
This video really resonates with me. Over the years it’s happened to me several times. Friends who I was really close to suddenly just cutting contact for no reason that I can see. I ALWAYS question myself and think that I must have done something wrong or said something to upset them, but I genuinely don’t think I did. It’s really hurtful and I dwelled on it a lot at the time. I agree with everything you said about some people just being in your life for a short time, and not everyone is the same with regard to friendships. It’s reassuring to know that it’s something that happens to a lot of people, and I honestly wish them well. This was a great video topic, and the make up is also very pretty. I have been eyeing that CT pallet for a while and I think I do actually need it xx
I had a friendship breakup. I would write her but she wouldn't write back. We grew up together & she was Maid of Honor in my wedding. Godmother to my first son. The last letter she didn't get to read: she passed away at 49
I’ve experienced similar things many times in my life, and I’ve always felt unpleasant, hurt, started thinking the same things about myself. But then over time I came to the conclusion, that that kind of friendship that we initially believe in is simply an illusion, now I think friendship is nothing more than temporary having something in common with smb (interests, emotional intersection etc), which always comes and goes. It is no more than about having some good time together, sharing, giving and receiving something mutually without any expectation and deep attachments. This way nobody would feel disappointed, upset or hurt Because everything comes to its end, relationships can run its course. It’s just that one friend can discover it earlier than the other And when you see friendship this way (simpler, without strong commitment) from the beginning, you won’t feel surprised and unprepared, which make us upset and frustrated
I understand your point and know that a lot of people feel the same, but there are also people (myself included) who would like to get emotional support/advice/stimulation from a friendship, especially when going through a rough patch in life. Or do you feel that is too much to ask of a friend? I definitely don't believe in the notion of a best friend any more, but I feel like a friendship should be more intimate than an acquaintance. But I would like to know your opinion, as you have other view on friendship. Or maybe life experiences I can learn from. :)
I had a few of these and finally got tired of being let down and decided that I would stay away from friendships with women. Now my women "friends" are on RUclips or Instagram and they never hurt or disappoint me!
This happens so often. Your friend gets a boyfriend and you stop existing. I don't understand why this happens. Surly you don't want to spend every second with just one person no matter how much you love them. The end result is that this person is left all by herself the second the relationship ends because they alienated every single person in their life.
What an intelligent and articulate discussion of female friendships! I am a lot older, but have been through similar experiences, albeit when I was a lot younger. But in the last few months, I have actually dropped two friends - one had been close, although not for about 20 years, we had grown apart as she didn't support me in my divorce, so our friendship cooled, but I was still fond of her. A couple of things happened recently that made me realise I didnt want her in my life any longer, so I've let the friendship lapse. Another so called friend I've also dropped because she said I ought to have my eyebags removed!!! It was a little weird unfriending them on FB, but I feel better for it - now I only have friends who I know I can count on and I want close to me, and who supported me through my divorce. Thanks so much for sharing your story, Charlotte - I love and value your channel!
After watching this video, I decided to call a friend that I have not spoken to in over a year. We haven't spoken because I moved across country. We have remained friendly over social media, but when was the last time I had called her? She did not answer, probably because she works, and the time difference, but it still felt nice to make the call, and leave a message. I wanted to actively do something.
When I was 19 I heard the term “fair weather friend” from an older woman I worked with and that is what I’m picking up on in your situation. They are around when things are good for you but when you need support in any way….they disappear. Also, who knows why people do what they do.
I never cry about any of my previous breakups but when I remember the friendships I lost, that's when I lose it sometimes. That's what gets me more than any previous guy, that's a true heartbreak. And it feels good to know I'm not alone.
This has happened to me and it hurts just like any other relationship ending. Weirdly the “friend” came back years later and I just didn’t have the energy to rekindle the relationship after being dumped years earlier. I grieved it and managed to make new friends.
Thank you for sharing this. I also lost a friendship in a similar way and it hurts. But you move on. But then there is my best friend from over 25 years. She is my sister from another mother. ❤
I’m so glad you are talking about this. I broke up with a friend years ago, but I did have a long phone call to say goodbye. We talked about why it was happening without shaming or blaming. We honored each other and said goodbye and I love you. I had multiple boundary violations with her❤
I love your videos,how friendy and honest you are. Thanks for this.💜 I always watch and listen to your videos while working it's really fun 😁 xo from LA
This video couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time for me. I am going through something very similar to that right now. It’s hard when we put more value in a friendship than the other person. I have other friendships that have faded away but I think of them as being seasons in my life and I treasure their memories. Thank you for sharing, you are a blessing to others.
I’ve always moved a lot (by a lot I mean moving every 2-3 yrs) up till recently. So I’m more surprised when friendships last. Most of my life it’s been normal to be friends for a bit and then it goes away. I have two people I think of as BF. The rest are just people I am friendly with and would talk to if I saw again.
This is so timely, someone recently came back into my life after 20 yrs, we arranged to meet up then I got ghosted before it happened. 6 weeks later I got an apology message and explanation- I forgave and we messaged constantly for weeks before spending a great day together, planned the next meet up and guess what? Ghosted again! I just want to know why, why bother making the contact in the first place then to do it all over again. Honestly, I feel like I’m in my 40’s, I am most definitely too old for this crap.
I had told a newer friend through 3 years some of my vulnerabilities, and that I was going through a hard time at work - close to not being able to function. We had an upcoming event for our kids along with other moms, and I told her I was too fragile to deal with rejection of my ideas etc. in the planning process. She then rejected me from the whole event instead. And because I feel so shitty about myself, I apologised to her for being wounded… I’ve seen her turn on someone else at the beginning of our friendship, so I know “confronting” her wouldn’t be a good idea. I’ll be ghosting her instead even though I really want to explain to her and for her to understand how she hurt me. She won’t understand, I know that now. Happened this month and the realisation happened this weekend, so this video is very relevant to me right now ❤️
I’m experiencing something similar with a friend right now. There was an occurrence that made me realize I’ve been expending considerably more energy than my friend has to maintain our friendship, and it sucks. It’s definitely hurtful. I think you’re awesome for making this video!
I had a friend that had a breakdown, and I visited her in the psych ward. I went, because I said, "If I was stuck there and I reached out, I would want somone to come see me." She got well, but she cut off any contact. I think it was her shame of me seeing her like that. She didn't want to be reminded of my face, which reminded her of her own experience, and I saw it. People in relationships do kind of become more remote. I cut off a friendship when I felt like I was just a placeholder when her husband was busy, on a business trip, her other friends or groups were busy, etc. I was slotted in to her boring time. She spaced on some plans we had. I always felt like I was just "chasing" to have a stronger connection with her. When she had an issue or needed support, she would always reach out to me. I would normally have just faded away and not make a big deal, but I wanted to let her know that I felt unimportant, insignificant, and a placeholder (she had felt this same way about another woman--and she broke it off). I wanted to give this relationship a chance, by talking about my experience and feelings. So, when I explained that I felt just like she did when she broke it off with her other friend, she couldn't relate. She couldn't see it outside of her own experience. She refused to say she was sorry for missing a couple of plans, or marginalizing me. She said, "I'm sorry you feel that way." I said, "That's not an apology." I tried to explain and reason with her. She just doubled down that it was my problem. And, then turned it that I hurt her feelings--but she still wouldn't budge to understand. All I wanted was for her to recognize that she left me hanging and that she was sorry for the mistake. I would have let it go, and continued on. She couldn't do it. So I jettisoned the relationship. It wasn't worth pursuing a strong friendship with her. I wouldn't have minded being acquaintances, but I didn't want to let her in at the same level. I didn't want to share that depth with someone that didn't really care about the relationship as much as I clearly did. I miss the friendship. She was special. But in the end, I am happier that I am not investing more into the relationhip than she was. I clearly wasn't a priority. And, I am not willing to have a one-sided relationship in my adulthood. You talking about your close friend, I totally recognize your experience. I feel the same way. I had to learn where our friendship sits. And it shifted like yours in the same way. In the end, when I cut it off, she went through a hard time losing people and pets with grief (that I was unaware of), and I was just another loss. I am saddened for her losses. But, I don't want the same relationship we had.
I am like That too , I am very loyal . It makes a difference . Also have Lost friends because they passed away 🙏🏻💓. Bless you Charlotte 😊well done. I definitely grievef and then I honestly pray 🙏🏻. And realize in my heart i have to forgive snd let them go on about there way ...I Don't like it when people play games ...Thats not my jam at all. And Honesty is slso important... You know you cant completely trust someone who tells you one thing , then another another time. I usually don't confront until it happens a few times , then I will call them out very calmly and nicely.... Usually they own up to what I already figured out is truth. For me its when they move away , far away and it does mske it hard...Them I have one I still occasionally hear from...that moved to east coast years ago...like over 14 years now and we still occasionally touch base a bit ...van you imagine if they wre nearby ? That matters to , bc you know they care abd you care. .Take care of Yourself ❤
My bestie and I live in opposite side of the globe, I live in US, she lives in Indonesia. We have been friends for over 25+ years. When I moved to US 20 years ago, it was devastating that I had to separate from my best friend. Here we are 20 years living apart from each other we are still bestie. I can text her or call her and we talk like we never left each other. Whenever I visit Indonesia, I spend most time with her. When she visited US, she stayed with me. Like any relationship, it has to be mutual and worthy that both sides willing to do everything to keep it grow and strong. I only have 1 best friend and that’s enough. Here’s to friendship 🥂
So long as there's a conflict of interests, friendship ceased. Period. People are just passengers that are in and out of our life. Why it hurts is because of how long and deep the friendship is. The longer and deeper the friendship is, the more painful it gets when things go downhill.
I have a friend I have known for 35 years. She started out as a work colleague. We were very close and her daughter was my bridesmaid. We saw each other with our husbands a lot. Then Covid hit and we could only see each other via video call. Shortly after Covid, she moved house to a completely different county but still only a 45 minute drive away. Then everything went silent and I gave her benefit of the doubt as she was busy after the house move etc. I sent a birthday card to her and she texted to thank me and said sorry she hadn’t been in touch as she had been really busy with visitors etc. At no point did she invite me and my husband to visit and see the new house which was very odd. Then it all went quiet again. It’s now been almost 3 years since she moved and I still haven’t seen her and our messages are very sporadic. Part of me wants to say “why haven’t you invited me over to where you live now” but I don’t like to. It’s very strange. I’ve questioned everything. Wondered even if her husband and mine had perhaps fallen out over something but there’s nothing I can pinpoint as to why this has happened. It’s good to know this happens to other people too 🤗
I can so relate to this. I went through a really tough time, due to the rental crisis a couple of years ago, I literally moved into a vacant shed with my dog. My closest friend for several years had offered for my dog and I to live with her for awhile, I took her up on it when Things got really desperate and she said my dog could not come with me, we never spoke again. Another friend and I stopped speaking again also. It worked out for the best because I needed to be in that place to apply for a home on the other side of the Country near my parents who I had missed dearly. My horses and dog moved 2 months later.
So...I ghosted my friend, but hear me out before you judge me. We had been friends since we were at school. I loved her with all my heart, but the friendship was not healthy - at least for me. We became friends at school, she wasn't liked by the other girls in my friend group, but I could sense she was troubled and felt drawn to her. My home life was turbulent, so I think I recognised she was in pain. She shared her darkest secrets with me (she was suffering abuse at home), and I became an emotional support and a steady rock for her. I would discourage her from doing stupid things at school and would talk her out of running away from home because she couldn't take it anymore. As an adult I wish I would have helped her get help from outside sources, but this was the pre internet era and I didn't really grasp the seriousness of her situation in my immature young brain. She could be very callous and cruel to me at times but I ignored it because I knew what she was going through at home. She was also very spoilt by her parents (they weren't the source of the abuse). I would say the friendship was always one sided, she would call upon me when she needed a plus one, but if I wanted to go out or do something she would just say no she didn't want to go. So I would go with her to do what she wanted to do and I would do what I wanted to do on my own. Again, I knew her personality and just accepted her as she was. As we grew up she met her boyfriend (now husband) and her callous tendencies were exaggerated when her boyfriend was around, she was mean and would mock me in front of him. I told her about how I failed a university exam and was so ashamed and devastated about it, then a few weeks later I was at her house having lunch with her family and friends and her boyfriend brought it up and mocked me about it in front of everyone there, I looked at her and she was laughing, she knew how devastated and ashamed I felt about it. He also treated her badly at times and I thought she could do much better than him. Then came the wedding, she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid because I was too tall (nearly 6ft) and I would look out of place in her wedding photos. Yes, that hurt a lot, but again, I knew her personality and just brushed it off, she did ask me to be godparent to her first Son which I very was happy to do. I was having issues with my relationship and broke up with my boyfriend at the time, I needed someone to talk to, but she just didn't have the empathy or emotional capacity to deal with me when I needed her. So, I think that was when I decided I just didn't want to continue the friendship, even though we were super close growing up and I loved her like a sister, the reality was that she could be very cold and lacking in empathy and the friendship was mostly one sided. I was exhausted by the 3 hour phone calls with her talking about herself and I absolutely despised her husband. So, I thought it through and here is my rational for ghosting her - I didn't want to tell her that I despised her husband, because she married the person she loved and I didn't see what good it would do telling her that I despised him, it literally would have achieved nothing. I knew her personality was not going to change, and those personality traits probably helped her get through a very difficult childhood. Attempts in the past to tell her about how her behaviour hurt me didn't work for very long. In short, I knew she just wouldn't get it, her personality style meant that she lacked insight into some of her behaviours. So, I just stopped answering the phone. A few months later she wrote me a letter (this is before email was a thing) and sent me some photos of her kids and it said that she didn't know what she had done to make me stop talking to her. To say I was emotionally distraught after reading her letter and looking at her photos of her children was an understatement. I still didn't contact her though, I just couldn't go back to that friendship, I knew nothing would change and I still believed that some things are better left unsaid. Even 25 years later I still go through periods when I dream of her and I am trying to talk to her and say I am sorry and tell her why I ghosted her, the dreams are distressing and she doesn't really react to me at all in the dream even though I am trying to talk to her. A year or so ago I even thought about what it would be like to say hello to her and whether she would be angry with me, I ultimately decided to leave it in the past. So, all this is to say, sometimes the person doing the ghosting feels like they have no other choice and in my case it was very distressing and I still think of her from time to time 25 years later.
Charlotte, thank you so much for making this video. I, too, had one big friendship breakdown and two minor ones. The big one was over 2 yrs ago now, we had been friends for 20 yrs and i thought we would be friends until we were old, we actually used to joke about getting old together. I was angry at first, but now I've expected it and moved on. We were both single through the first 11 yrs of our friendship, and then she got a boyfriend, and then i got with my partner 6 months later. The first 2vyrs she was with him things were fine, we still seen each other txted but then i would get less and less. I would txted every week and sometimes i wouldn't get a reply, so i went to every fortnight, then every 3 weeks so you could see where this was going. Then it ended up just seeing each other on birthdays, Christmas, and that was how it was for like the last 4 years of the friendship, i felt like she was phasing me out and then on my 38th birthday she didn't even wish me happy birthday and i was so upset. My mum saw her a week after my birthday when she was out shopping and said we had been out for a meal for my birthday and she didn't say anything she just said that's nice. So her birthday was 3 months after mine and i didn't wish her happy birthday, so she blocked me on her socials, and that's when i knew it was over. I still see her from time to time and we say hi but thats it. I totally agree it's best to mute them because i would of done that if she hadn't of blocked me. Her mum died just over a year ago, so i did txt her and we had a little chat but that's it. I definitely think people come into our lives at different stages so i look back on our friendship, and I'm happy for all the memories we made together because they are forever 😊
I've been on both sides of this. I feel bad, but i was the friend that stopped returning calls. It wasn't anything my friend had done wrong at all. I had become horribly depressed at that time in my life and I couldn't being myself to answer the phone. Our lives had also gone in very different directions and we had little in common to talk about anymore. We're still connected on social media but we're definitely not as close as we were in high school. I've had a few other friendships that went sour for different reasons. Betrayal is the hardest thing for me to deal with. I've also got friendships that have lasted decades still. I think most people have experienced all kinds.
I’ve gotten burned so many times over the years. I put everything in a friendship, did things for that person when it wasn’t convenient for me, always being there at the darkest moments, only to be stood up on the most important or darkest times of my life. It made me keep most people at arm’s length and to never, ever ask for help. Finally in my adulthood I have met a few of the best friends I could ever ask for but it took until I was in my 50s to find them.
I'm a smidge older than you 😉😉 & I lost a friend I had from age 4. It stung & it still does, though it's been a couple of years. But the reason was something not negotiable for me. So I didn't compromise just to make her happy. I didn't realize for her that was it. Ultimately, it's ok. I know I didn't dump her. Thank you for sharing your story. I truly appreciate it. 🥰
Covid (and the reaction to the shutdowns, masking and jab mandates, etc) were a friendship game changer. Learned a lot about people…..lost some friends bc of it.
I’m 62, and I have experienced this a few times over the years. Sometimes I knew why it happened, sometimes I could only make a guess. The times that hurt are when you are the only one making an effort, and eventually you realize that you have to stop, because in trying to be a friend you are hurting yourself.
Hi Charlotte I had a friend for over 40 years that ended also in a brutal way. I thought we would be the closest of friends up until we were old together. We met when I was 15 and we had been through so much together that I thought our friendship would last forever. Sadly it was shattered by something beyond my understanding. I also felt it was somehow my fault at the time and in a sense felt that I never really knew her even after all those years. Anyway I had the support of my other friends and in a way felt that that is what a true friendship is when your “sisters” have your back 🙋♀️🇬🇧
Woah. I really needed to hear this right now. I'm still grieving lost friendships that, like you, abandoned me during the worst time of my life. I had to move away and 4 years later I haven't heard from one of them. I tried of course, many times, and I had always been there to support them on any way I could. Then when I needed support, poof, they're all gone. Completely ghosted. For the past 4 years I've been in such turmoil over it. Blaming myself of course. I must be such a terrible person etc etc. Do you wonder if she'll watch this video and comment? I think you're right about not talking to you because she knows she owes you an apology, but it's easier to ghost isn't it. The rational part of my brain is telling me that it's probably the same in my case, but it's bloody hard to turn off that negative voice! Thanks for this Charlotte. Anna x
Sweet lady. Sometimes GOD, takes people out of our lives, because He hears the things they say in private. It's hard, as it's happened to me as well. But, GOD always know what is best for us.🙏🏼❤️Trust Him!
I was the friend that stopped responding. I didn’t know what else to do. My friend had cancer and had all reproductive organs removed. Two years of agony, in her 50’s, she told me her husband and her stopped being intimate, as you’d understand. After two years, her husband started looking elsewhere and knocking on my door 😳. It became quite obvious. My husband was the first one to notice. So we discussed it and I decided that distancing myself was the best way to go. I’d rather she thought badly of me than her husband that she loved. Her cancer is ongoing, it’s just a matter of time. I never had anyone to talk to anyone about this. I still grieve this friendship. It’s been nearly 1.5 years.
I’m so sorry what happened to you, in relation to your best friend not being there for you when you needed her most. To not hear from her at such a bad time in your life and not even speak to her again is really awful. And absolutely not your fault. I think you would be a lovely friend for anyone!
Oh boy, I have had friends and relatives do this to me. Won’t go into details etc. but I used to be the person that needed people more than they needed me. It’s now after changing my heart and mind about what friendships really mean that I now have no close circle of friends. I’m great with that. I just know people and those I know I have absolutely no expectations from. I had to learn to let go of what I felt friends should be. I have found joy in life and that I can be myself and not ever feel pressure or guilt if something happens on either part. I have a reliance on my Heavenly Father who supplies me with the ones that need to come or go out of my life. I even have a older child that has chosen to walk away from his entire family based on what he believes is his truth. I cannot and will not hold onto people so tightly that it destroys me and the person I am. I am filled with peace, love, joy etc. I find life to be the best it’s ever been. I feel toxicity is waste in one’s life. We are all different and I just don’t hate or dislike or turn my back on someone that has walked away either. I look at it like a bridge. I’m not worth crossing over for anymore. My gate is open and it’s ok, l just allow others to do what they think is right and I do the same. Life’s too short to be angry, hurt etc over others choices. It happens. You just have to have peace within yourself and these things pass quickly and better people come along.
This happened to me - my dad was very ill and I messaged a very, very dear friend of 13 years standing to let her know that I would be a week late in posting her sons birthday present. She blocked me on social media, refused my calls and never spoke to me again. I know from a third party she has now moved. I can only imagine there must have been other issues that for her had built up to making the friendship unworkable. This was 7 years ago, and it still hurts. She is godmother to my daughter as I am to hers, and I think that's what hurts most of all - the severing of that bond too. I have worked through this with my therapist and have actually said goodbye to her within these sessions, telling her about how hurt I felt but thanking her for the role she played in our lives. I also recognise that her ending of the friendship may say more about her issues and wounding than anything else. I am 95% of the way there to healing from this, but my goodness it hurt(s).
I'm 62 and this has happened once to me. I felt the same way, no clue what I had done or said and the worst part was that our kids were friends. Her son (they were in elementary school) told mine that "our friendship is over". My heart broke for him more than me obviously he was coached as to what to say yet it still baffles me 28 yrs later
I lost a group of work friends after I received a promotion. I still struggle now why they all changed towards me overnight. Thank you for this Charlotte. I would love to be your friend, you always come across a very sincere and kind. Keep doing what you do ❤
Hi Charlotte! Thank you so much for this video, it really validates in my mind my thoughts and feelings, I’ve recently received a message from my friend ghost, as I call her, out of the blue, and so I asked her what happened, was it me? she apologised and said it wasn’t anything I did. And she said she still loves me and is sorry she makes me feel like that. That’s all I wanted after 15 years and it’s made me feel so much better about the situation. I can now get on with my life and feel like I’m not a bad friend xxx
I know this comment is a bit late but I have to add one thing. Don’t automatically assume that you are the reason a good friendship fades. Sometimes the “bad” friend is going through something tough and might be dealing with something they have a hard time sharing, might be in an abusive or bad relationship, might be having a hard time in life. I’ve been that bad friend and stopped talking to almost all of my friends regularly after my mom suddenly died. I was devastatingly depressed and took me about a year to start regularly chatting with friends. I also had a friend who was very depressed in a bad relationship who stopped talking to many close friends, but was still talking to acquaintances regularly because their conversations never got too deep. You don’t owe anyone who is failing you your sympathy or empathy, but if there wasn’t a specific falling out, and someone was extremely close to you, consider they might be going through something and has nothing to do with anything you did. I know this isn’t always the case, but it’s an important thing to keep in mind.
About 6 years ago, I went through my phone and socials and deleted all the people who only contact me when they want something, or never make the effort. Life became a lot simpler and less stressful after doing this
that's a great idea. I did that on my social media too
i actually ‘tested’ it the other day.
a ‘friend’ of mine only checks in how i am doing when she needs to vent herself. so i replied with ‘i am well but bogged down with work’, as i recently started a new job. purposely not asking her back how she is.
sure enough she has not replied since. 😂
@@amysmithssportsandmakeup1397 I deleted about 20 people. Only ONE questioned it
I used to be friends with a girl who completely used me for so many things. She was so lazy and couldn't grow up. I finally realized life is much better without her and I have time for people who actually care@@deliaholm2653
Good idea! I’m going to do that.
"You want to come in my life? The door is open. You want to leave? The door is open. Just one request. Don't stand at the door. You are blocking traffic."
This meme says it all. It's how I feel about friends (and family) who reach out then go radio silent after you respond. It makes no sense?? Love me or leave me - just make a decision. It's a mind f--k.
My work colleagues were my besties and more like family! We went away together and our children grew up playing together and are still close. However I got very ill ended up on feeding tube in and out of hospital surgeries ect and all I can say is that you really find out how true your friendships are when you are no longer in their vision or thoughts 😢 so sad ❤
Sorry that happened to you. Tough times reveal who the real ones are, easier to be around when it’s glitzy and Instagram worthy moments. Not many can be there through that good and bad times. Hope you’re doing better health wise and have accepted their departure from your life ❤️🩹.
A friend of mine for 5 years…who I hung out with almost every day….we were both in our late 30s. She learnt everything about a business I ran by staying close to me pretending to be my bestie and ONE FINE DAY OUT OF THE BLUE, she decided to open the exact same business in the exact same community and THREW ME UNDER THE BUS literally over night…COPIED EVERY SINGLE THING I did in my business,100% AN IDENTITY THEFT…..and the next day started talking down to me and ACTED like she had done nothing wrong….she actually said to me ‘I haven’t done anything illegal’…..IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST PAINFUL time of my life….5 years later I still haven’t gotten over it…..
That is a horrible story. I’m so sad for you. ☹️ Sending you some happy vibes.
My mother in law did this to her best friend. Narcicissm.
Good lord, what a knife in the back and in the heart. So sorry she did that to you.
@@joannepinnow6929 imagine how it felt like when I found out through an marketing email that she sent out in the community that had a flyer of her business….THAT LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE MINE….with MINOR tweaks here and there….a KNIFE IN THE BACK INDEED
People are real snakes I’m sorry this happened to you 🐍💔💕
Friendships are tough! As a 73 year old, I can tell you this has happened to me so many times. People come into our lives for a reason at various points in our lives.
Couldn't agree more. 🩷🩷🩷
Im 65 and yes!! So many close women I’ve had to let go. It’s life.
I started writing this comment by listing my experiences, which made me realize how hurt I still am, especially by the most recent one that happened 6 months ago after 18 years of friendship. I wish those of us all still hurting to heal as quickly as possible and sending my love to you all ❤
You are definitely not alone, Charlotte. I'm 65 years old, and this has happened to me on three occasions over my lifetime. I, too, was nonplussed at the time, but it was a long time ago now. I have three close friends of many years standing. I have also made genuine friendships since I got my beautiful dog. You are never too old to make a new friend.
Dogs are Awesome and hey never ever hurt us ( only they must go away and its not their fault of course ), they are true friends.
After my mom died due to black magic, I feel life is too short. You won’t know how long you gonna live. Stop wasting precious time on fake friends
Friends can break your heart too..
Thank you SO much for addressing this horrible situation of adult friendship breakdowns. I am now 37, and went through this 3 years ago with two of my long term friends (in a group of 5). All of them were bridesmaids at my wedding, we went on holidays together, some of them i’d been friends with since primary school. I genuinely thought this group of women were my ride or die friends till death! A year or two before the breakdown, one of them started acting really odd towards me. Almost ghosting me. Ignoring me most of the time in the group chat, or when she DID acknowledge me, it was always a dig at me or something derogatory. In those last two years of friendship, there were several things she would say to me that really upset me and I had no idea why. I was so confused why this person I loved was acting so mean towards me. In early 2021, a family member died, a close member, in a horrific way. This friend of mine completely acted like I wasn’t alive. No support, not a kind word, nothing. Another of my friends in the group was acting the same. One day I messaged the group chat to apologise for being so distant after the death, and that I had been struggling a lot. The message was ignored, then a couple of days later, these two friends started up a completely different conversation about something on Netflix. Completely ignoring my heartfelt message before. I was devastated. My heart actually broke. So whilst dealing with grief, i also had to deal with the breakdown of two long term friendships. I fell into a deep depression and ended up on medication. It took a LONG time to feel normal again after that. I am a completely different person now to the one when those friendships ended. And I genuinely feel a lot lighter knowing those negative people aren’t in my life anymore x
I am sorry you had to go through that, especially while mourning the death of a loved one. I hope you have found friends who are willing to be emotionally supportive!
@@91GazalAw thank you. It was a really rough time I’ll say that! Thankfully I have since found friends that would 100% be there for me for everything xx
@@xpeachx100 I am really happy to hear that, you deserve it ^^
Took me 3 years to recover from a fairly similar situation. The grief was piled on. And then the key alienator spent years lying about me to anyone she could, including new people I was becoming friendly with. I assume it was to self delude about what she'd done at such a horrible time. I keep things really quiet and small now. Most of my friends are from different times and places, and they don't know each other. There's no way I'm ever being part of a group like that ever again. I've learned a bit about the "Wendy" phenomenon (i.e. "being a Wendy" - although I really hate that a specific name has been ascribed to this behaviour) - I introduced the worst perpetrator into a group and she effectively bullied me out at the worst possible point of my life when close relative's death, and strain, marital and financial pressure were all hitting me at the same time... I can't help but suspect she just saw the opportunity to make herself central to the group and get me out.
That group dynamic yes had issues too. Prefer friends from different areas of life. And if family is involved and the reason makes no sense it can be hard.
When I was 13 years old, a friend broke up in a handwritten letter saying I couldnt contact her ever again. No specific reason. I felt worthless and not good or smart enough. It stuck with me for many years- I just turned 40.
im sorry u had to deal with that so young.
I had deal with fake news, backstabbing, lies in my middle school days
I am sorry. I was 18. I feel you
I think people assume all kids do this kind of unkind thing, but then they grow up and change. Like all bullies disappear when they become adults. I don't think that's true in a lot of cases. They're the same people, they just hide it better. Like the girls who I sat with at lunch when I was 13 who one day happily announced they had something to tell me, then started chanting at me "we don't want to you to hang out with us at lunch anymore" (alternating who said each successive word in the sentence). I walked to the store that lunchtime by myself, crying the whole way, then sat crying as I ate my chocolate bar. Are those girls nice people now, or do they do similar things but in a way more socially acceptable for grownups (like completely cutting someone off out of the blue)?
I think she still struggles. Now that Im grown up, I look back and know she struggled back then, and that it probably didnt have anything to do with me.
I hold no grudge, I think im at a better place in my life than her, and I really wish her the best.
Hurt people hurt people.
Death scares many people. I was recently diagnosed with advanced cancer and it has been surprising who has come through (like my ex) and who have abandoned my husband and I, some of them his friends for over 30 years. So it can happen to guys as well as us gals. These are the situations where you find out who these people are. I look upon it that over time, people grow in different dirctions, priorities change. It is only under duress that these come to the fore. I am grateful to have found out who my true friends are. Thanks for discussing such a thorny topic!
All the best for you!!! I wish you strength, hope and confidence! Sabine 😘
And then there’s the people who are only around when life tosses you a curve ball and disappear when everything is going well. I find that equally disturbing. I wish you all the best during this tough time.
This was such a fabulous video. I didn’t realise how much I needed to hear this. I am a neurodivergent 53 year old woman who struggles to form friendships, the friends I have are super close and so important but when the end, which they do, I just don’t understand at all. I always assume I am at fault and an unlovable person. I have reached a point where I have accepted close female friendships are for other women. I know my solitude impacts my husband because he wants there to see me aaa he does. Knowing I am not alone in experiencing and feeling these things has meant so much. Thank you lovely human xx
At least you have a husband and few super close friends
Thank you for talking about this! I can definitely relate to this with a group of friends I had a few years ago. The one friend I was closest to suddenly gave me the cold shoulder and then I stopped getting invited to events. It was very obvious and hurtful. She never told me why she didn't want to be friends anymore or give me any feedback about what was bothering her. That's what bothered me the most. I had a lot of the same thoughts and fears "there is something wrong with me" "I am a bad friend". But with more time, I have realized I wouldn't do that to someone else without ever talking them about it and trying to fix things.
I was listening to this on headphones whilst cooking, and could *hear* how painful this was for you to talk about 💜
As soon as you mentioned losing your friend, and your son's friend's brain tumour my head said - there it is. It's a terrible cliche, but for good reason, that death makes people behave in ways seemingly really out of character.
A few years ago I experienced 3 bereavements in 3 consecutive years, all really different. When I went back to work after the last one my manager said to be prepared for people disappearing. No way I thought, but sure enough...
It's a very strange thing but I've read and heard of it often. People who are highly supportive, emotionally intelligent and so on, just can't handle death, or the possibility of it. And so they do nothing. Not through lack of care but sheer inability. Honestly I wanted to write something about bereavement after my experiences as all the different behaviours, scenarios, reactions were astonishing to me.
For anyone struggling with what to do or say during or after a bereavement or awful time, please don't say nothing. Simply saying you are there, offering to go and just sit with a person, talk about the person they lost, take them a home cooked meal, offer to go for a walk. All these things can make a huge difference and make a person feel supported and held.
Charlotte I'm so sorry for your experience. I think this was a lovely idea for a 'lets talk' video and I'm sure it's helped and reassured so many of us, lots of love xx
Thank you for sharing your experience. I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer 5 years ago and the friends and family who I thought were closest to me just ended up distancing themselves from me. It's sad and isolating, but unfortunately very common. Great thing is there were SOO many more kind humans who showed up in the most unexpected ways... my coworkers, ladies from church, distant family members who actively reached out.... they have been my biggest supporters. So grateful for them.
I'm so happy to hear of the people that were there for you@@ChristinaLovesSushi
@@ChristinaLovesSushiAll the best for you!!! I hope you will never lose hope and confidence. Sending you strength and love! Sabine 😘
That happened to one of my close friends. We practically were so close even after my 2nd move out of the country we were still close. I was so gutted when she started ghosting me when I moved back. She has another best friend but the moment that best friend moved away, she slowly changed. Whenever I reached out, she always made an excuse to not meet up, catch up etc (our kids were friends since kindergarten) and within 4 years she gradually phased me out (but still hanging out with our mutual friends). I supported her through the death of her dog, listened to her problems with her family etc. she will answer my text sporadically, cancelling plans last minute and her mood is like hot and cold. It feels like a total mindf*ck!! I started second guessing, questioning myself what I have done wrong. Asked her if I have done anything to hurt her etc. Her excuse is no, she is just busy. Eventually The last straw was when I invited her for our son’s important event (a Bar Mitzvah). Gave her the invite 2 months in advance, she looked at my face and said she will come (but my gut feeling said otherwise) true enough less than 24 hours before the event, she bailed out. I cut her out of my life from then on. I dont have time for mind games..😢
In my 53 years I have experienced this several times. I still love them deep down same as you with those friends but I’ve been hurt so now I have really no “close” friends except my sister and my daughters. I have a few who I could probably reach out if I needed to but none that I speak to daily or hang out with anymore. I’m tired of trying to keep friendships going. I take care of me and my family and I’m honestly ok with that now.
This! Same. Then I watch shows and I wonder if it's abnormal I don't have anyone to go out with...
Oh my gosh I thought it was just me! I'm reluctant to get super close for fear of being broken hearted again. I was fine with it for a while, but lately I really wish I had more close friends. At this point it's my fault for not putting myself out there more, but part of me thinks, "why bother, you just end up hurt!". It's a sad cycle I need to get out of. Big hugs to everyone!!❤️🩹
Same here I just mainly hang out with close family not cousins and aunts because they hurt me also but close family. Friends are so hard to maintain they leave so easily even though you works so hard at those friendships. It’s just not worth the effort most times 💔
I had a very similar situation to this. My absolute best friend who was like a sister to me and I did everything with, who supported me when my dad died etc, after about 6 years of friendship just started slowly starving the relationship by cancelling on me, making vague accusations about me to other people, not wanting to hang out and so on. She started hanging out with some people who seemed to hate me on sight, and one in particular seemed to really want me out of the picture. Some other weird things happened around then, such as she one day broke down in front of me and accused a girl we used to know at school of having SA'd her, but I knew she hadn't seen her for years. She also wrote me a really nasty letter one day demanding I call her and just saying horrible things about me. Things staggered along for a while, l started working and she went to do a postgrad. She also started seeing a therapist for depression, and then things went really downhill. It was like suddenly I was locked out of her life. She'd tell me she couldn't come out because she was depressed, but then I'd hear she'd been out with other people we knew. The therapist sessions seemed to turn her against me, but she never said why. One day she called me saying she was suicidal. She was hysterical and it took 3 hours to calm her down and get her to promise to call 999 or go straight to a doctor. I was in the south east and she was in Newcastle at this time, and i was skint, but I got straight on a train that weekend to see her and support her. While there we decided to go to a nightclub with some friends, and at the end of the night, all of us got separated from her. Nobody could reach her on her phone, she just vanished into thin air. Eventually we all had to leave and made our way home. A few hours later, she turned up, soaking wet, slamming doors and yelling at me about how I'd abandoned her, and it was typical of me etc (this is the one and only time we'd ever been separated like that and it was her who had gone off). She was screaming at me and wouldn't calm down for ages while i tried to reason with her. All her housemates had been with me all night but were too weak to back me up. We kind of made up the next day, but it was never the same. She eventually returned to our hometown and it was like she was allergic to me. She would find any reason not to see meor reply to messages, and when she did, she wouldn't be her old self, it was like talking to a. stranger. I got angrier and stopped beating myself up as much about it, I just felt let down and hurt. One day, she cancelled on me for the third time in a row, just before Christmas. That was it for me, I gave her a piece of my mind, and told her I was fed up with how she was treating me. I think she responded but I can't remember what was said. I decided I'd had enough and I finally cut her off and decided not to contact her again. We didn't talk for about 8 years, by which time I'd had my son. I never really understood what had happened or how such a dear friend could just cut me out of her life like that for no reason. It was one of the most painful things I've ever been through. I spoke to a therapist about it, I spoke to mutual friends, I tried desperately to find a reason for it all, but finally I just had to move on. One day, out of the blue, about 8 years later, I got a text message saying she'd seen me outside mothercare and wanting to make contact again. No explanation or anything, just as though we'd lost touch naturally. The curiosity and needing answers led me to let her in again. It seemed to be going OK. We messaged, discussed motherhood (she had also had a son), had a couple of nice day trips together, and I thought maybe it was all a blip and things would get back on track. She told me she had been diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and was now on lithium, which I felt maybe explained some of the erratic behaviour from before, but she still never gave me a reason or apology. We arranged to meet up again and I messaged her. No reply. messaged again, still no reply. I tried phone and FB, nothing. I backed off. This went on for several months and once again, I heard from mutual friends that she was spending time with them regularly. After a few months and one last attempt, I finally blocked her, and as painful as it was, I just felt duped and used. I will never ever allow her near me again. I also cut out all the mutuals as I realised they were unhealthy to be around, and I didn't owe them a window into my life. I still find it very upsetting. I'm 48 now and the first cut off was when I was late 20s, the second one mid thirties. I'll never know how much of the friendship was real. The second time round she told me she'd thrown away all my letters, even though I'd kept hers all those years. That to me said a lot about our intent towards each other. I don't know what part the bipolar played, I have other bipolar friends and they are decent people who struggle sometimes, but are basically good friends. I don't know what she said to other people about me either, but I know she was saying something bad.
Even now, I just don't understand it. I still have dreams about her, her home, her parents etc, trying to process it I guess. It still feels like a knot inside me, even though it's been years now and my whole life has moved on.
I know I'm a really good friend. I'm generous and loyal and I've got longstanding friendships. Two of the people who at the time were more secondary friends to me have now been my closest friends for over two decades, we've supported each other through everything life throws at you. The problem isn't me, and that's the biggest realisation for me. I spent years blaming myself and searching for reasons, but sometimes there isn't a reason. Some people are just selfish, cruel, or don't care about you as much as you think they do. As other people have said, it's surprising who your friends really are when the chips are down, and it's often not the people you think.
Recently I was put in touch with someone I'd had a passing acquaintance with during the years I was hanging out with the person above. I always thought she was really cool, and we'd chat briefly if I saw her at a club, but that was it. I never knew anything about her, she was kind of friends with my brother and dated a boy I went to school with and clubbed with (who has also turned out to be a really loyal friend unexpectedly). Anyway, we started talking and quickly realised we had loads in common, and that we really like each other. It's turned into one of my closest, most rewarding friendships, even though we now live several counties apart.
We often say of romantic relationships that when someone toxic leaves your life, they create room for someone better, and it's true of friendships too. It can be really painful to realise someone didn't care about you the way you cared about them, but ultimately, it improves the quality of your life to get rid of false friends who just create insecurity and doubt.
I think it's true that there are friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for life. Real lifelong friendships are rare, but precious. I'm really lucky to have found some wonderful friends over the years.
I wish healing for everyone who has been through this experience. It really is like a divorce or death, but things are better once you get to the other side 😊
Ghosted seemingly out of the blue. I still struggle with fixating on trying to understand why this happened and blaming myself for it years after the fact. Grieving the loss of something but also knowing that loss was purposeful and with no explanation is doubly hard.
Thank you so much for this video. I feel like I just got some much needed advice from a good friend. I’ve been through the same thing a few times, but I had one in particular that devastated me. My first marriage ended and I always make a joking remark that he got custody of my best friend but it honestly crushed me. In reality she and I had drifted away a bit already and my ex’s closest friend was and still is her husband, so I get it. It really hurt though (it was an amicable divorce, but still awful, and she had been my maid of honour). She essentially ghosted me and faded out my life but still sees my ex all the time. Everything you said about your inner circle really resonated with me because I’m the same. My husband was watching with me and he remarked that I’m exactly like that with people I love. I didn’t realise how much it still bothered me but your story has helped me realise I need to leave it in the past where it belongs and just remember the good times. I really appreciate it every time you tell us your stories, and I always take positivity away from them. So thank you for being a good friend to women you don’t even know, if that makes any sense (hopefully in a not creepy, non-stalkery way lol). ❤
This is such a lovely comment 💜
People that come into your life are for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Rarely do people make it to the lifetime. I so appreciate this discussion as I find most people that come into my life just let me down with their behaviors.
People can really underestimate how hurtful the unbalanced relationship can be. When I broke up with the man who raised my kids for most of their young lives (their biological dad committed suicide when they were toddlers), he allowed the relationship to become horrifically one-sided. I had to beg him to visit them. When the kids became adults, my son, who has serious disabilities and mobility challenges, fought to keep the relationship alive with this person who wouldn't initiate contact and would not make any effort to come see him. This went on for years, and eventually my son was heartbroken when he realized that if he didn't reach out, he wasn't sure his "dad" would ever contact him again and at that point made the exceptionally painful decision to cut him out of his life entirely. I'm so proud of my son for making a difficult decision that was the best one for his emotional health, but I can't help but wish that in my youth I had chosen a stepdad who was worthy of the love my son had to give.
I love when u talk about topics like this or do like story time while u get ready!! ❤ please do more ❤
I had to break up a friendship because I found out something really shady about my lifelong friend. I was devastated to find out she wasn’t who I thought she was. I never told her the reason why I distanced myself. What she did felt like a stab wound. She wasn’t a good friend at that point in life. I’m so happy she no longer has any part of my life. I wish her the best but don’t ever want to be around her again. 😢
I almost didn't want to watch this video because I went through such a break up very recently and it's still very upsetting for me to think about. I am your age and I really thought that at this stage in my life I have mature relationships with people and especially with my two closest friends, whom I thought of as family...so I as very unprepared for the shock of the sudden dissolution of our relationship. It put me in very negative head space and I was really spiraling. I found out that talking to my husband and other friends about it really helps. I was very hurt and suddenly had so many negative thoughts about two people that I held in such high regard before. Getting those negative thoughts out felt like cleansing myself from the negativity so that it doesn't consume me.
I'm sorry. I can feel how hurt you (and your children) were by this. It amazes me how some people find it easier to ghost someone rather than have the "tough" conversations. They don't know what to say when you're going through a tough time or don't have the ability to go deep. Others seem to revel in your tough times but disappear when you achieve success bc they aren't happy for you (jealousy).
Either way I have experienced both and the heartbreak is real.💔I am like you - I keep my circle very very tight. Lots of acquaintances but only two lifers that I trust completely and call my sisters. Enjoy your chosen family who love you and let go of the rest. 🤗
Exactly! Some conversations are really difficult, but not having them makes things so much worse, it's such a shame.
This is hands down my favourite video from any beauty content creator. It's so meaningful to hear you talk about personal things that we all go through.
You've given me a lot to think about. I'm like you and don't have a lot of friends by choice. But I've also gone through what you've described so eloquently. So thanks for sharing and giving us your perspective. It's helped me more than you can imagine❤
🥰🥰🥰
2 bridesmaids didn't bother to even text me when I was pregnant ( I'd moved 20 miles away). Then I bumped into one who was shopping with her new boyfriend in my town. She didn't ask how I was or say anything to my son, just said..oh wow youre not selling motherhood. 2nd bridesmaids dropped me once she got a new boyfriend. Other friend I knew from uni vanished after I told her I was struggling with my 2nd son because I had chronic post natal depression. I don't believe they were ever my friend. I trusted them all so much. Never again
Jesu what a thing to say to a new mum! I hope you have kinder friends now
I feel like the heartbreak of a friendship breakup is not really spoken out and can be one of the most painful experiences.
This is so relatable that I feel less alone ❤🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼❤️🫶🏻
Charlotte you have all the good qualities of being a good friend, watching your videos is like having really good company, you seem to be very caring, understanding and make people laugh. I had the same not with a friend but with sisters.
I too had sisters do this to me after my parents died and still have no reason why.
@@Linda-bh5yx same here it was after my father died they decided they didn’t like me anymore. So blocked their number and on fb. I will never know why or what I did if I did anything strange
This has happened to my with my sister too. I totally understand when Charlotte says you start to question yourself and if i'm the problem (even though i know i'm not). Nothing obvious happened and i am left so confused and hurt.
There’s another part to this that might help you or someone else. Something very similar to what you described with your very best friend happened to me as well, except I was the other friend. I moved far away from my very best friend and my life got very busy, and as time moved on it became harder and harder to reach out (like you described at 32:00, it’s exactly how I felt). We have since gotten back together which I’m eternally grateful for, but it’s definitely because of her persistence. The thing is…I never had any idea that I was that important to her. She told me, for sure she told me. And she was (and is) enormously important to me. But I have struggled with low self-worth for my entire life, and it’s very very difficult to imagine anyone feeling sad about losing me. Even listening to you become so emotional…I can only think, wow is that how my friend felt about losing me? Why would anyone feel that way about losing me? She has so many other people in her life…I know this probably sounds stupid but I’ve never felt worthy of anyone. It’s also why I struggle in relationships. I take on way more than the other person and eventually give up because I feel “unseen” and like I have lost myself in the other person…when the other person is just thinking, “hey I never asked you to put in that much effort for me…,” but if I don’t, I can’t relax. Because I don’t feel worthy of anyone. I’m not asking anyone to tell me that I am…I’m fully aware that this mindset is not healthy and I’m working on it. I’m just offering up this perspective as “the other friend” in an almost identical situation (minus the really terrible life events you were experiencing when she disappeared).
Well spoken
I think perhaps we need to talk to ourselves (our self talk) needs an upgrade in the sense that we need to think and treat ousrselves as good as our best friends -
How would you treat YOU as a good friend and DO IT 😘
Much ❤️
I don't understand how self esteem has anything to do with that, if you trully cared for the other person and valued her friendship why wouldn't you reach out?
(I'm not judging, I'm genuinely trying to put myself in your situation and understand your perspective).
I so needed this! I’ve been so confused and hurt. Felt like I finally had a friend and don’t know what happened.
Friendship breakups are worse than romantic ones. I still have vivid dreams about people I was close with in college and lost touch with and wake up feeling so upset and tbh that’s never really happened to me with ex bfs on the same emotional level
When, I was 24 years old, my best friend, since we were little kids, suddenly called to my work place and told me “I don’t want to be your friend anymore”, with no reason. She broke my heart and soul, she was my person. That was the worst break up I ever experienced in my life.
We grew apart and I moved around the world for many years… Sincerely, I convinced myself I never would recoverer from that. My friendships became more superficials and I never let anyone else be too close to me. Now, in my mid forties we’re living again in the same country and for the last couple years she pursuit and almost begging me to recovery our friendship, she calls and says “I missed you so much for the last two decades” but now it’s way too late, I’m happy and have healthy relationships, I healed. I don’t know that person anymore and I don’t want to know her again.
You did the right thing. If someone shows you they do not value you they do not deserve your friendship.
Did she at least give a reason for why she did it?
@@SchlichteToven never…
I lost a close friendship a decade ago over something so insignificant, it’s painful till this day when I think about it. So sad
I can really relate to this topic. But you can't force people to give you the why of it all. And that's very hard for me personally. Especially as you get older, making friends can be very difficult. ❤
I still have my very best friend since age 15. Again I am 64, almost 65. Everyday or a couple of days we talk. We can disagree on just about everything, argue and then we just crack up for hours. I love her more than anything.
I think adult friendship breakups was one of the most shocking aspects of adulthood for me. It’s actually only last year I realised too that someone who was toxic to you could simultaneously be great to someone else. That’s just the way life is sometimes.
my 22 yr old son suffers from some mental health issues. about 2 months ago he literally ghosted all of his friends. even his cousin. fortunately with some therapy, adjusting meds he reached out to them today. i was so relieved they " accepted " him back!
I only have one long term friend. Friends come and go and you change and evolve over time... Most of my friends now are online, within the beauty industry (I'm a beauty professional).I've been speaking with many people for over 12 years now... 😎💜
i am having a end of a friendship right now, it is so distrubing for me, much pain and questions…. thanks so much for talking about it 🌹🇨🇦
You look gorgeous! It’s great we can talk about ended friendships here so ty. Hugs. I had a 45 year friendship end in May. I had to let her go. After being hurt so many times over the years.. a little piece of my heart got broken off each time, until there was no heart left (for the friendship). I have no regrets.
I, too, have a small circle of friends.
I think you are spot on. Sometimes people can’t apologise and they turn the situation around perhaps because they can’t face themselves. Feeling vulnerable or ashamed is intolerable for some people. But I always think the best part of us is our ability to be humble, say sorry and truly mean it..
When I feel deeply hurt (and it’s happened a few times) I try not to hit back. Hurt feelings can make us react strongly. I keep remembering that I’m better than that and refuse to lower myself by acting spitefully. That way we can start to heal and move on.
My long-time best friend left me at the worst time of my life after a decade of supporting her during HER worst time, just when she got to the best time of her life. She even said to my face a few weeks before she moved 11 hours away and barely contacted me again that she thinks some friends are useful during some periods of your life and then you drift apart and then come back together again at other times (she said this in relation to another of her close friends that she wasn't talking much to anymore). Well, that might suit her style of friendship and help with any feelings of guilt she might have toward the friends she uses and loses, but I think it's a pretty selfish philosophy. I don't become good friends with people I think will leave me when the tables finally turn and I need them, but she did. I keep trying to understand the reasoning behind it. I think in her case, there's an aspect of, I don't want to remember the worst time of my life (her divorce from an abusive husband, struggling to support two children on her own), so I'm going to cut out everything that reminds me of it - including the people who got me through it.
I had a good friend until 3 years ago she suddenly stopped communicating. She had moved away to be with her mother and daughter. Not far away and then stopped answering my calls. I even reached out to her daughter who I really loved and nothing. I never figured out why so I just moved on.
I had a friend in high school that I actually stepped away from because her dad flirted with me and I didn’t know how to explain that. She was close when her family and always wanted me to come over.
I had to do the same, for the same reasons, I didnt ignore my friend, just didnt want to come to her house and watch her dad stare at me all the time, it was creepy and makes me unconfortable even today thinking about it.. But how could I explain to her? She loved her dad and I am sure she had no idea as to why I would stop visiting, feel sorry for her if I caused her any pain, because she is great friend.
That's the kind of thing I mean when I say people who ditch friends suddenly and inexplicably could have legitimate reasons that they really CAN'T tell you about, you would just have no way of guessing them. In most cases, if someone explained to you they'd be your friend but never wanted to go near your dad, the friend with the creepy dad would just end up cutting you off anyway because they were offended or didn't want to hear it. It's a no-win.
Ok ladies ( and gents ), I’ve just clicked the ‘Like’ button. To my horror there were only 702 ‘likes’. Please, let’s show the like button some love. Apparently it matters to those who are trying to use RUclips to earn a living. I’ve never met Charlotte, don’t know any of her relatives or friends. Why don’t we give it a go? It’s not difficult, not demanding, so if it’s actually no big deal, give it a press. Please ❤ xxxx 😘
Omg Charlotte thank you so much for talking about this! I had no idea how common it is. My best friend who was like a sister to me suddenly ghosted me, not long after I'd had my baby boy. It hit me hard because I was grieving the loss of someone I loved and relied on, but there was such feelings of shame, embarrassment and self-blaming. Like you, the hardest thing was when family would ask after her and I'd have to say she was no longer in our lives anymore and they'd be hurt too. And I felt isolated with my baby since I always had a very small but close number of friends. But slowly slowly I made new friends and I realised that, if someone can do something like that to you, the problem is theirs. Thanks so much for sharing and reading everyone else's comments too definitely made me feel less alone :)
My 17 year old daughter, when she cried her heart out about her friends ditching her, I felt so bad and so sad. I immediately got her into therapy because I wasn’t sure of what was happening.
To watch the video, makes me feel like we all experience these things, anywhere.
Thank you for this video!!!!
It’s best to deal with this at the young age, where your heart condition is strong. You can’t take the heart breaking when you are mid-age. Like my friend, she haven’t deal with friends’ betrayal in her life. It happened to her few years ago in her mid-age. She almost breakdown
My best friend of over 30 years, who I met at work. We had lunch every day when we worked together. My husband and I moved 2 hours away, but our friendship was still so special. We could drive and meet each other and do all the girly things, eating and shopping, once a month. We would go to the beach for a week every summer. All of that stopped with covid. We talk on the phone every week but haven't seen each other since 2018. I am retired but she is still working and has to take care of her 92 year old Mother when she is not working. We are still friends but the closeness is gone. 😢
Covid broke up a lot of friendships. It altered peoples perceptions and behaviors. It will nevrr go back to the same again.
I'm sorry for you. Lost some friends BC of it. Worst part, it wasn't deaths, at all.
I follow a tier system when it comes to friends. I have a small handful of very close mates, and then a much larger group of people I enjoy occasionally, but keep on the periphery for various good reasons. This is mostly due to my private nature and not wanting to engage and divulge details to those I do not feel always have my interests at heart. I do not make much effort when it comes to the outer periphery, but that is not to say that it isn’t pleasurable when catching up with these people to enjoy a few hours and laughs. No getting down to the nitty gritty, it’s all about lightheartedness. I have lost friends who have been in the top tier, but have been moved to the second tier and that can be as simple as not having as much in common as we once did, or someone more significant as a breach of trust. I’m glad you have made peace with your situation with your close friend. We are constantly evolving and sometimes we need to let go or have somebody else let go of us. And, who doesn’t love one of those intense chance meetings with a stranger that can sometimes have more meaning than years spent with others? ❤
I’m going through a friendship breakup now so this video really hits hard. I’m really hurt and experiencing the emotions you mentioned - about not feeling good enough/not measuring up. I have to remind myself that I am worthy of true friendship and don’t deserve the treatment. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. ❤
Of course, you are worthy of that! :) I feel like it would also be good for us to know what kind of friendships we'd like. For me, it is more of an acquaintance if someone only spends time with me to do fun things (and not much else), while for a lot of people that is already a good friend. I would like to have emotional support/advice as well, while others aren't willing to do that. I think overall, same as with a romantic relationship, it would be good to think about what you want in a friendship and to know that the people who know this and yet aren't willing to be that person for you, aren't worth your love and effort as a friend. Or you see them as an acquaintance, as Charlotte said, someone you used to know.
Thank you for sharing , Charlotte! Maintaining your core values while going through a distressing experience, speaks volumes of your character! 🙌🏽💕 Here’s another meme, “You still haven’t met all the people who are going to love you!”
I grew up in a military family and always expected friendships to end. We keep in touch on social media, but it's not the same as every day in person. It is so much easier to make friends in school than as an adult at work.
This video really resonates with me. Over the years it’s happened to me several times. Friends who I was really close to suddenly just cutting contact for no reason that I can see.
I ALWAYS question myself and think that I must have done something wrong or said something to upset them, but I genuinely don’t think I did.
It’s really hurtful and I dwelled on it a lot at the time.
I agree with everything you said about some people just being in your life for a short time, and not everyone is the same with regard to friendships.
It’s reassuring to know that it’s something that happens to a lot of people, and I honestly wish them well.
This was a great video topic, and the make up is also very pretty.
I have been eyeing that CT pallet for a while and I think I do actually need it xx
Why do people do this?
@@AmyKaylasVegas Honestly, I don’t know. It’s not something I understand.
@@AmyKaylasVegascause it’s not illegal but can be harming
I had a friendship breakup. I would write her but she wouldn't write back. We grew up together & she was Maid of Honor in my wedding. Godmother to my first son. The last letter she didn't get to read: she passed away at 49
I’ve experienced similar things many times in my life, and I’ve always felt unpleasant, hurt, started thinking the same things about myself. But then over time I came to the conclusion, that that kind of friendship that we initially believe in is simply an illusion, now I think friendship is nothing more than temporary having something in common with smb (interests, emotional intersection etc), which always comes and goes. It is no more than about having some good time together, sharing, giving and receiving something mutually without any expectation and deep attachments. This way nobody would feel disappointed, upset or hurt
Because everything comes to its end, relationships can run its course. It’s just that one friend can discover it earlier than the other
And when you see friendship this way (simpler, without strong commitment) from the beginning, you won’t feel surprised and unprepared, which make us upset and frustrated
I understand your point and know that a lot of people feel the same, but there are also people (myself included) who would like to get emotional support/advice/stimulation from a friendship, especially when going through a rough patch in life. Or do you feel that is too much to ask of a friend? I definitely don't believe in the notion of a best friend any more, but I feel like a friendship should be more intimate than an acquaintance. But I would like to know your opinion, as you have other view on friendship. Or maybe life experiences I can learn from. :)
I had a few of these and finally got tired of being let down and decided that I would stay away from friendships with women. Now my women "friends" are on RUclips or Instagram and they never hurt or disappoint me!
You'll only have men friends?
This happens so often. Your friend gets a boyfriend and you stop existing. I don't understand why this happens. Surly you don't want to spend every second with just one person no matter how much you love them. The end result is that this person is left all by herself the second the relationship ends because they alienated every single person in their life.
What an intelligent and articulate discussion of female friendships! I am a lot older, but have been through similar experiences, albeit when I was a lot younger. But in the last few months, I have actually dropped two friends - one had been close, although not for about 20 years, we had grown apart as she didn't support me in my divorce, so our friendship cooled, but I was still fond of her. A couple of things happened recently that made me realise I didnt want her in my life any longer, so I've let the friendship lapse. Another so called friend I've also dropped because she said I ought to have my eyebags removed!!! It was a little weird unfriending them on FB, but I feel better for it - now I only have friends who I know I can count on and I want close to me, and who supported me through my divorce. Thanks so much for sharing your story, Charlotte - I love and value your channel!
After watching this video, I decided to call a friend that I have not spoken to in over a year. We haven't spoken because I moved across country. We have remained friendly over social media, but when was the last time I had called her? She did not answer, probably because she works, and the time difference, but it still felt nice to make the call, and leave a message. I wanted to actively do something.
When I was 19 I heard the term “fair weather friend” from an older woman I worked with and that is what I’m picking up on in your situation. They are around when things are good for you but when you need support in any way….they disappear. Also, who knows why people do what they do.
I never cry about any of my previous breakups but when I remember the friendships I lost, that's when I lose it sometimes. That's what gets me more than any previous guy, that's a true heartbreak. And it feels good to know I'm not alone.
This has happened to me and it hurts just like any other relationship ending. Weirdly the “friend” came back years later and I just didn’t have the energy to rekindle the relationship after being dumped years earlier. I grieved it and managed to make new friends.
Thank you for sharing this. I also lost a friendship in a similar way and it hurts. But you move on. But then there is my best friend from over 25 years. She is my sister from another mother. ❤
I’m so glad you are talking about this. I broke up with a friend years ago, but I did have a long phone call to say goodbye. We talked about why it was happening without shaming or blaming. We honored each other and said goodbye and I love you. I had multiple boundary violations with her❤
I love your videos,how friendy and honest you are. Thanks for this.💜 I always watch and listen to your videos while working it's really fun 😁 xo from LA
This video couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time for me. I am going through something very similar to that right now. It’s hard when we put more value in a friendship than the other person. I have other friendships that have faded away but I think of them as being seasons in my life and I treasure their memories. Thank you for sharing, you are a blessing to others.
I’ve always moved a lot (by a lot I mean moving every 2-3 yrs) up till recently. So I’m more surprised when friendships last. Most of my life it’s been normal to be friends for a bit and then it goes away. I have two people I think of as BF. The rest are just people I am friendly with and would talk to if I saw again.
This is so timely, someone recently came back into my life after 20 yrs, we arranged to meet up then I got ghosted before it happened. 6 weeks later I got an apology message and explanation- I forgave and we messaged constantly for weeks before spending a great day together, planned the next meet up and guess what? Ghosted again! I just want to know why, why bother making the contact in the first place then to do it all over again. Honestly, I feel like I’m in my 40’s, I am most definitely too old for this crap.
Id be so pissed
I had told a newer friend through 3 years some of my vulnerabilities, and that I was going through a hard time at work - close to not being able to function. We had an upcoming event for our kids along with other moms, and I told her I was too fragile to deal with rejection of my ideas etc. in the planning process. She then rejected me from the whole event instead. And because I feel so shitty about myself, I apologised to her for being wounded… I’ve seen her turn on someone else at the beginning of our friendship, so I know “confronting” her wouldn’t be a good idea. I’ll be ghosting her instead even though I really want to explain to her and for her to understand how she hurt me. She won’t understand, I know that now. Happened this month and the realisation happened this weekend, so this video is very relevant to me right now ❤️
I’m experiencing something similar with a friend right now. There was an occurrence that made me realize I’ve been expending considerably more energy than my friend has to maintain our friendship, and it sucks. It’s definitely hurtful. I think you’re awesome for making this video!
I had a friend that had a breakdown, and I visited her in the psych ward. I went, because I said, "If I was stuck there and I reached out, I would want somone to come see me." She got well, but she cut off any contact. I think it was her shame of me seeing her like that. She didn't want to be reminded of my face, which reminded her of her own experience, and I saw it.
People in relationships do kind of become more remote. I cut off a friendship when I felt like I was just a placeholder when her husband was busy, on a business trip, her other friends or groups were busy, etc. I was slotted in to her boring time. She spaced on some plans we had. I always felt like I was just "chasing" to have a stronger connection with her. When she had an issue or needed support, she would always reach out to me. I would normally have just faded away and not make a big deal, but I wanted to let her know that I felt unimportant, insignificant, and a placeholder (she had felt this same way about another woman--and she broke it off). I wanted to give this relationship a chance, by talking about my experience and feelings. So, when I explained that I felt just like she did when she broke it off with her other friend, she couldn't relate. She couldn't see it outside of her own experience. She refused to say she was sorry for missing a couple of plans, or marginalizing me. She said, "I'm sorry you feel that way." I said, "That's not an apology." I tried to explain and reason with her. She just doubled down that it was my problem. And, then turned it that I hurt her feelings--but she still wouldn't budge to understand.
All I wanted was for her to recognize that she left me hanging and that she was sorry for the mistake. I would have let it go, and continued on. She couldn't do it. So I jettisoned the relationship. It wasn't worth pursuing a strong friendship with her. I wouldn't have minded being acquaintances, but I didn't want to let her in at the same level. I didn't want to share that depth with someone that didn't really care about the relationship as much as I clearly did. I miss the friendship. She was special. But in the end, I am happier that I am not investing more into the relationhip than she was. I clearly wasn't a priority. And, I am not willing to have a one-sided relationship in my adulthood.
You talking about your close friend, I totally recognize your experience. I feel the same way. I had to learn where our friendship sits. And it shifted like yours in the same way.
In the end, when I cut it off, she went through a hard time losing people and pets with grief (that I was unaware of), and I was just another loss. I am saddened for her losses. But, I don't want the same relationship we had.
I am like That too , I am very loyal . It makes a difference . Also have Lost friends because they passed away 🙏🏻💓. Bless you Charlotte 😊well done.
I definitely grievef and then I honestly pray 🙏🏻. And realize in my heart i have to forgive snd let them go on about there way ...I Don't like it when people play games ...Thats not my jam at all. And Honesty is slso important... You know you cant completely trust someone who tells you one thing , then another another time. I usually don't confront until it happens a few times , then I will call them out very calmly and nicely.... Usually they own up to what I already figured out is truth. For me its when they move away , far away and it does mske it hard...Them I have one I still occasionally hear from...that moved to east coast years ago...like over 14 years now and we still occasionally touch base a bit ...van you imagine if they wre nearby ? That matters to , bc you know they care abd you care. .Take care of Yourself ❤
My bestie and I live in opposite side of the globe, I live in US, she lives in Indonesia. We have been friends for over 25+ years. When I moved to US 20 years ago, it was devastating that I had to separate from my best friend. Here we are 20 years living apart from each other we are still bestie. I can text her or call her and we talk like we never left each other. Whenever I visit Indonesia, I spend most time with her. When she visited US, she stayed with me.
Like any relationship, it has to be mutual and worthy that both sides willing to do everything to keep it grow and strong. I only have 1 best friend and that’s enough. Here’s to friendship 🥂
So long as there's a conflict of interests, friendship ceased. Period. People are just passengers that are in and out of our life. Why it hurts is because of how long and deep the friendship is. The longer and deeper the friendship is, the more painful it gets when things go downhill.
I have a friend I have known for 35 years. She started out as a work colleague. We were very close and her daughter was my bridesmaid. We saw each other with our husbands a lot. Then Covid hit and we could only see each other via video call. Shortly after Covid, she moved house to a completely different county but still only a 45 minute drive away. Then everything went silent and I gave her benefit of the doubt as she was busy after the house move etc. I sent a birthday card to her and she texted to thank me and said sorry she hadn’t been in touch as she had been really busy with visitors etc. At no point did she invite me and my husband to visit and see the new house which was very odd. Then it all went quiet again. It’s now been almost 3 years since she moved and I still haven’t seen her and our messages are very sporadic. Part of me wants to say “why haven’t you invited me over to where you live now” but I don’t like to. It’s very strange. I’ve questioned everything. Wondered even if her husband and mine had perhaps fallen out over something but there’s nothing I can pinpoint as to why this has happened. It’s good to know this happens to other people too 🤗
I can so relate to this. I went through a really tough time, due to the rental crisis a couple of years ago, I literally moved into a vacant shed with my dog. My closest friend for several years had offered for my dog and I to live with her for awhile, I took her up on it when Things got really desperate and she said my dog could not come with me, we never spoke again. Another friend and I stopped speaking again also. It worked out for the best because I needed to be in that place to apply for a home on the other side of the Country near my parents who I had missed dearly. My horses and dog moved 2 months later.
So...I ghosted my friend, but hear me out before you judge me. We had been friends since we were at school. I loved her with all my heart, but the friendship was not healthy - at least for me. We became friends at school, she wasn't liked by the other girls in my friend group, but I could sense she was troubled and felt drawn to her. My home life was turbulent, so I think I recognised she was in pain. She shared her darkest secrets with me (she was suffering abuse at home), and I became an emotional support and a steady rock for her. I would discourage her from doing stupid things at school and would talk her out of running away from home because she couldn't take it anymore. As an adult I wish I would have helped her get help from outside sources, but this was the pre internet era and I didn't really grasp the seriousness of her situation in my immature young brain. She could be very callous and cruel to me at times but I ignored it because I knew what she was going through at home. She was also very spoilt by her parents (they weren't the source of the abuse). I would say the friendship was always one sided, she would call upon me when she needed a plus one, but if I wanted to go out or do something she would just say no she didn't want to go. So I would go with her to do what she wanted to do and I would do what I wanted to do on my own. Again, I knew her personality and just accepted her as she was. As we grew up she met her boyfriend (now husband) and her callous tendencies were exaggerated when her boyfriend was around, she was mean and would mock me in front of him. I told her about how I failed a university exam and was so ashamed and devastated about it, then a few weeks later I was at her house having lunch with her family and friends and her boyfriend brought it up and mocked me about it in front of everyone there, I looked at her and she was laughing, she knew how devastated and ashamed I felt about it. He also treated her badly at times and I thought she could do much better than him. Then came the wedding, she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid because I was too tall (nearly 6ft) and I would look out of place in her wedding photos. Yes, that hurt a lot, but again, I knew her personality and just brushed it off, she did ask me to be godparent to her first Son which I very was happy to do. I was having issues with my relationship and broke up with my boyfriend at the time, I needed someone to talk to, but she just didn't have the empathy or emotional capacity to deal with me when I needed her. So, I think that was when I decided I just didn't want to continue the friendship, even though we were super close growing up and I loved her like a sister, the reality was that she could be very cold and lacking in empathy and the friendship was mostly one sided. I was exhausted by the 3 hour phone calls with her talking about herself and I absolutely despised her husband. So, I thought it through and here is my rational for ghosting her - I didn't want to tell her that I despised her husband, because she married the person she loved and I didn't see what good it would do telling her that I despised him, it literally would have achieved nothing. I knew her personality was not going to change, and those personality traits probably helped her get through a very difficult childhood. Attempts in the past to tell her about how her behaviour hurt me didn't work for very long. In short, I knew she just wouldn't get it, her personality style meant that she lacked insight into some of her behaviours. So, I just stopped answering the phone. A few months later she wrote me a letter (this is before email was a thing) and sent me some photos of her kids and it said that she didn't know what she had done to make me stop talking to her. To say I was emotionally distraught after reading her letter and looking at her photos of her children was an understatement. I still didn't contact her though, I just couldn't go back to that friendship, I knew nothing would change and I still believed that some things are better left unsaid. Even 25 years later I still go through periods when I dream of her and I am trying to talk to her and say I am sorry and tell her why I ghosted her, the dreams are distressing and she doesn't really react to me at all in the dream even though I am trying to talk to her. A year or so ago I even thought about what it would be like to say hello to her and whether she would be angry with me, I ultimately decided to leave it in the past. So, all this is to say, sometimes the person doing the ghosting feels like they have no other choice and in my case it was very distressing and I still think of her from time to time 25 years later.
Thanks for sharing! Glad you got rid of her
I can't even hear a hint about Mel without crying. I miss her so much. Can't imagine your heartbreak.
Charlotte, thank you so much for making this video. I, too, had one big friendship breakdown and two minor ones. The big one was over 2 yrs ago now, we had been friends for 20 yrs and i thought we would be friends until we were old, we actually used to joke about getting old together. I was angry at first, but now I've expected it and moved on. We were both single through the first 11 yrs of our friendship, and then she got a boyfriend, and then i got with my partner 6 months later. The first 2vyrs she was with him things were fine, we still seen each other txted but then i would get less and less. I would txted every week and sometimes i wouldn't get a reply, so i went to every fortnight, then every 3 weeks so you could see where this was going. Then it ended up just seeing each other on birthdays, Christmas, and that was how it was for like the last 4 years of the friendship, i felt like she was phasing me out and then on my 38th birthday she didn't even wish me happy birthday and i was so upset. My mum saw her a week after my birthday when she was out shopping and said we had been out for a meal for my birthday and she didn't say anything she just said that's nice. So her birthday was 3 months after mine and i didn't wish her happy birthday, so she blocked me on her socials, and that's when i knew it was over. I still see her from time to time and we say hi but thats it. I totally agree it's best to mute them because i would of done that if she hadn't of blocked me. Her mum died just over a year ago, so i did txt her and we had a little chat but that's it. I definitely think people come into our lives at different stages so i look back on our friendship, and I'm happy for all the memories we made together because they are forever 😊
I've been on both sides of this. I feel bad, but i was the friend that stopped returning calls. It wasn't anything my friend had done wrong at all. I had become horribly depressed at that time in my life and I couldn't being myself to answer the phone. Our lives had also gone in very different directions and we had little in common to talk about anymore. We're still connected on social media but we're definitely not as close as we were in high school. I've had a few other friendships that went sour for different reasons. Betrayal is the hardest thing for me to deal with. I've also got friendships that have lasted decades still. I think most people have experienced all kinds.
I’ve gotten burned so many times over the years. I put everything in a friendship, did things for that person when it wasn’t convenient for me, always being there at the darkest moments, only to be stood up on the most important or darkest times of my life. It made me keep most people at arm’s length and to never, ever ask for help. Finally in my adulthood I have met a few of the best friends I could ever ask for but it took until I was in my 50s to find them.
I'm a smidge older than you 😉😉 & I lost a friend I had from age 4. It stung & it still does, though it's been a couple of years. But the reason was something not negotiable for me. So I didn't compromise just to make her happy. I didn't realize for her that was it. Ultimately, it's ok. I know I didn't dump her. Thank you for sharing your story. I truly appreciate it. 🥰
Covid (and the reaction to the shutdowns, masking and jab mandates, etc) were a friendship game changer. Learned a lot about people…..lost some friends bc of it.
Thank you for talking about friendship breakups. 😢
I’m 62, and I have experienced this a few times over the years. Sometimes I knew why it happened, sometimes I could only make a guess. The times that hurt are when you are the only one making an effort, and eventually you realize that you have to stop, because in trying to be a friend you are hurting yourself.
Hi Charlotte
I had a friend for over 40 years that ended also in a brutal way. I thought we would be the closest of friends up until we were old together. We met when I was 15 and we had been through so much together that I thought our friendship would last forever. Sadly it was shattered by something beyond my understanding. I also felt it was somehow my fault at the time and in a sense felt that I never really knew her even after all those years. Anyway I had the support of my other friends and in a way felt that that is what a true friendship is when your “sisters” have your back 🙋♀️🇬🇧
Woah. I really needed to hear this right now.
I'm still grieving lost friendships that, like you, abandoned me during the worst time of my life. I had to move away and 4 years later I haven't heard from one of them. I tried of course, many times, and I had always been there to support them on any way I could. Then when I needed support, poof, they're all gone. Completely ghosted. For the past 4 years I've been in such turmoil over it. Blaming myself of course. I must be such a terrible person etc etc.
Do you wonder if she'll watch this video and comment? I think you're right about not talking to you because she knows she owes you an apology, but it's easier to ghost isn't it.
The rational part of my brain is telling me that it's probably the same in my case, but it's bloody hard to turn off that negative voice!
Thanks for this Charlotte.
Anna x
Sweet lady. Sometimes GOD, takes people out of our lives, because He hears the things they say in private. It's hard, as it's happened to me as well. But, GOD always know what is best for us.🙏🏼❤️Trust Him!
I was the friend that stopped responding. I didn’t know what else to do. My friend had cancer and had all reproductive organs removed. Two years of agony, in her 50’s, she told me her husband and her stopped being intimate, as you’d understand. After two years, her husband started looking elsewhere and knocking on my door 😳. It became quite obvious. My husband was the first one to notice. So we discussed it and I decided that distancing myself was the best way to go. I’d rather she thought badly of me than her husband that she loved. Her cancer is ongoing, it’s just a matter of time. I never had anyone to talk to anyone about this. I still grieve this friendship. It’s been nearly 1.5 years.
I’m so sorry what happened to you, in relation to your best friend not being there for you when you needed her most. To not hear from her at such a bad time in your life and not even speak to her again is really awful. And absolutely not your fault. I think you would be a lovely friend for anyone!
Oh boy, I have had friends and relatives do this to me. Won’t go into details etc. but I used to be the person that needed people more than they needed me. It’s now after changing my heart and mind about what friendships really mean that I now have no close circle of friends. I’m great with that. I just know people and those I know I have absolutely no expectations from. I had to learn to let go of what I felt friends should be. I have found joy in life and that I can be myself and not ever feel pressure or guilt if something happens on either part. I have a reliance on my Heavenly Father who supplies me with the ones that need to come or go out of my life. I even have a older child that has chosen to walk away from his entire family based on what he believes is his truth. I cannot and will not hold onto people so tightly that it destroys me and the person I am. I am filled with peace, love, joy etc. I find life to be the best it’s ever been. I feel toxicity is waste in one’s life. We are all different and I just don’t hate or dislike or turn my back on someone that has walked away either. I look at it like a bridge. I’m not worth crossing over for anymore. My gate is open and it’s ok, l just allow others to do what they think is right and I do the same. Life’s too short to be angry, hurt etc over others choices. It happens. You just have to have peace within yourself and these things pass quickly and better people come along.
This happened to me - my dad was very ill and I messaged a very, very dear friend of 13 years standing to let her know that I would be a week late in posting her sons birthday present. She blocked me on social media, refused my calls and never spoke to me again. I know from a third party she has now moved. I can only imagine there must have been other issues that for her had built up to making the friendship unworkable. This was 7 years ago, and it still hurts. She is godmother to my daughter as I am to hers, and I think that's what hurts most of all - the severing of that bond too. I have worked through this with my therapist and have actually said goodbye to her within these sessions, telling her about how hurt I felt but thanking her for the role she played in our lives. I also recognise that her ending of the friendship may say more about her issues and wounding than anything else. I am 95% of the way there to healing from this, but my goodness it hurt(s).
I'm 62 and this has happened once to me. I felt the same way, no clue what I had done or said and the worst part was that our kids were friends. Her son (they were in elementary school) told mine that "our friendship is over". My heart broke for him more than me obviously he was coached as to what to say yet it still baffles me 28 yrs later
I lost a group of work friends after I received a promotion. I still struggle now why they all changed towards me overnight. Thank you for this Charlotte. I would love to be your friend, you always come across a very sincere and kind. Keep doing what you do ❤
Hi Charlotte! Thank you so much for this video, it really validates in my mind my thoughts and feelings, I’ve recently received a message from my friend ghost, as I call her, out of the blue, and so I asked her what happened, was it me? she apologised and said it wasn’t anything I did. And she said she still loves me and is sorry she makes me feel like that. That’s all I wanted after 15 years and it’s made me feel so much better about the situation. I can now get on with my life and feel like I’m not a bad friend xxx
Oh Charlotte ... you are a precious friend to all of us. Thank you.
I know this comment is a bit late but I have to add one thing. Don’t automatically assume that you are the reason a good friendship fades. Sometimes the “bad” friend is going through something tough and might be dealing with something they have a hard time sharing, might be in an abusive or bad relationship, might be having a hard time in life. I’ve been that bad friend and stopped talking to almost all of my friends regularly after my mom suddenly died. I was devastatingly depressed and took me about a year to start regularly chatting with friends. I also had a friend who was very depressed in a bad relationship who stopped talking to many close friends, but was still talking to acquaintances regularly because their conversations never got too deep. You don’t owe anyone who is failing you your sympathy or empathy, but if there wasn’t a specific falling out, and someone was extremely close to you, consider they might be going through something and has nothing to do with anything you did. I know this isn’t always the case, but it’s an important thing to keep in mind.
You're nit a needy, desperate friend. You're a true friend!
I just watched this again, and it still moves me.