When relatives won't let go
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- Опубликовано: 13 окт 2024
- In this video Tracy talks about her strategies for managing the grief of family members reluctant to let their deceased loved ones be transported from the home, hospice or nursing home. And when alcohol or drugs are involved, the whole process can get far more interesting!
We've had a few questions on this topic, so thank you to those who requested we discuss this. Please keep your questions coming in,
and til next time,
stay safe
T&T xx
Contact us:
insta: @are_you_dying_to_know
email: areyoudyingtoknow@gmail.comaydtk.com
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WARNING:
This video contains graphic material that may disturb some viewers.
It is not suitable for children. Viewer discretion is advised.
The views, thoughts, explanations and opinions expressed in this video belong solely to the presenters Tracy & Trish and not necessarily to their employers, organisation, or other groups or individuals.
My 17 yr old son died unexpectedly in his sleep. The funeral home folks were SO kind! They packed him in ice then left the room so we could spend private time with him. Time was of the essence because he had to be transported 4 hours away for autopsy and yet they didn’t rush us at all. They waited until the rest of the family arrived to see him. I’ll always be grateful for their respect and kindness ❤
Oh Natalie, we are so very sorry to hear 😔 how very young to be losing your son. Sending you our deepest condolences 🌹🌹
So lovely to hear the funeral people were so helpful it should always be this way. Thank you for sharing your story. Please be kind to yourself and take good care 💚💚
My condolences, as a mother of a son (mines almost 2) I couldn't imagine. As a fellow mother my heart aches for you.
Sending love & peace your way.
Hopefully you were able to get answers 🤍 x
Well ladies I have a story that will top this one big time lol. I was in my late teens and one of my uncles died and one of his daughters was a huge drinker and on drugs at the time. Well what happened is she went up to the casket and got on the knee prayer to get down low to the casket and she was talking to him and crying and then ...... Well she got really upset cause he would not answer her due to the drinking and drugs that she had put her hands on the edge of the casket to get closer. Now here comes the shock, well she ended up standing up and upset and started to shake the casket to try and wake him up but kept quiet enough that no one really noticed what was going on. Then from all the shaking of the casket she ended up pulling the casket off the church truck stand and the top slammed on her hands. When she pulled out he hands while it was falling off the church truck , well my uncle ended up falling out of the casket and rolled a few times across the floor. So we hand to gather her and get everyone out of the room while they put my uncle back into his casket but they kept the lid closed since there wasnt many left that had to go by and say goodbye. Crazy story huh ! Always a fan for a long time but was too busy to leave a message til now. Giant Huggs !!
Oh my goodness !! 😲 What a story.... it's like a clip from the movie 'Death at a Funeral' you are definitely right you certainly did top that story, wow just when you think you have seen and heard everything 🤦♀️ thank you for sharing and thank you for taking the time to message 😁 lovely to hear from a long time viewer, sending big hugs back to you, take care 💚💚
😮
Hi 👋 there.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY?????.
MY GOSH , I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH, OR CRY ?????, BUT IT SURE TOPS THE LIST.
I WONDER WHAT YOUR UNCLE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?????.
THANKYOU FOR SHARING.
MUCH APPRECIATED.
Regards
Jessicah ( Trauma Surgeon) , living between Hawaii, and QUEENSLAND.
You ❤️ TC ALWAYS PLEASE.
That's sad I wouldn't know what to do if I seen that happen yikes.
I was also a nursing asst and used to wash and prepare bodies for transport myself. Second day as I was training we were giving a patient a bed bath. He stopped breathing twice and died. That was the first time I ever saw anyone die. I saw him turn yellow and I could swear I saw his soul leave his body. Is it possible for me to have seen his soul leave his body? He had a waxy appearance. I know how it is when someone dies, but never had a scene from a relative like the one I saw in this nursing home I'm in. They said I handled it well. When he turned waxy is that when he passed? It was instantaneous.
I don't know how i found your channel but i just want to say that you are providing a wonderful service that more people need to hear. Years ago my husband passed away at home (he was on hospice care at the time). There was so much i didn't know about at the time and have always had regrets about being more assertive with severa things. Something i will forever be grateful for is that the funeral director let me cut his hair after they had prepared his body. He had been asking for me to cut it for weeks but i never got around to it. I knew how upset he would have been to have people view him with his unkempt hair. This probably sounds pretty strange but it felt loving and natural to me. You ladies are amazing!
Oh so very sorry for your loss 😞 we both send you our deepest condolences 🌹🌹
And it certainly doesn't sound strange you cut your husband's hair infact it's quite beautiful. More people need to be more hands one with their loved ones after death just like we used to be many years ago. Thank you for sharing your story 🙏 please take good care ❤️❤️
When my dad passed, the guy came to take him to take him away. I had b been holding his hand. I could not let go. I knew i needed to but i couldn't make myself. The guy just stood there hands folded and h head down .. ive always remembered that. He never said anything or made any moves. Just was respectful of our grief.
So very sorry to hear you have lost your dad😞 sending you our deepest condolences 🌹🌹
That's so respectful of the funeral director to do that. Take good care 💚💚
Love you ladies! I live in Kentucky and when my grandmother who lived with us, passed away at home after a short battle with cancer, my sister and I washed her, changed her under garments and gown before she was removed. I am thankful and blessed for that opportunity. She did the same for me as a child and then for my children. Plus, I honestly believe she would have found a way to haunt me if we had let her leave this house looking anything but her best.
Hi Carrie, we are both very sorry to hear you lost your grandmother 😔
Thank you so much for sharing your story and how very special you were able to do that for her. More familes should do this if able, as I think it does help in the grieving journey. Take good care 💚💚
That sounds like a professional thing to do no one needs or wants a condescending funeral director, waiting for the family members to feel comfortable with the departure of their loved one is very important. I remember when my mum died the funeral director when he visited our home was very professional.
Thank you Shane, it's always a difficult part of the job. Take good care 💚💚
My husband passed away in a hospital this past January from a heart attack caused by a blood clot. It was totally unexpected as he was only 64 and was always very active and healthy., so we the family was in shock. Right after the medical staff informed us that there was no hope of him surviving, the nurse came to us and explained that "after he passes, we will bathe him and place him in a body bag and transfer him to the morgue." I personally have worked in the medical field most of my life and have been with patients as they have passed and have bathed and prepared the body for the family to view and/or for the funeral home staff to pick the body up, and even though I have heard those terms before the nurse was saying, I found it upsetting she was telling us all this before he even passed and felt it inappropriate that she told us in such a cold uncaring manner (like she was talking about the weather)! My poor sister-in-law looked like she was going to pass out when the nurse mentioned "body bag" and "morgue" and I felt it ruined our final moments with my husband. I just felt like she should have used more comforting terms and waited until after he passed away.
Oh Maria 😔 we are so very sorry to hear such sad news on the loss of your husband, we both send you our deepest condolences 🌹🌹 hope you are doing ok sending you hugs xx
My word you are so right, can not believe body bag and morgue was even mentioned at all. So sorry you are your family had that experience, hope you are doing ok and have family and friends around you take good care 💚💚
@@Areyoudyingtoknow Thank you for your caring and kind words. My son and I are doing ok as fortunately we have been blessed with such wonderful family and friends! I love your channel!!! Many people are afraid to talk or ask questions on these topics, but it is important to know our options and you both offer this info in a very kind and caring manner! I almost decided to work in a funeral home, but I took another path in health care and became a massage therapist.
Hi Maria, that's so special you have such a great family around 💚 thank you for you kind words on the channel and you are right this is why we started the channel. Try and get more people talking about the subject and ask them difficult questions, we are happy to help if we can.
Funny you say you are a massage therapists, Trish is a remedial sports massage therapists. You take good care lovley hugs Tracy xx 💚
@@Areyoudyingtoknow YAY Trish rocking the sports massage....awesome!!!!
Thank you Maria love Trish 😚
Tracy’s funeral home sounds so caring & definitely the exception rather than the rule here in the US. I can see why she’s such a good fit there. ❤
Hi Cyndy, you are totally right I moved from a big corporate company to the smaller family owned business as 'McCartney Family Funerals' values are very similar to mine and just love working there. We are able to keep the care very personal to each family we take care of. Thank you, take good care 💚💚
I also work as a caregiver for senior citizens..3 of my clients in the 4 years I've been with this company have passed..It's never easy. You get so close to them...that's the hardest part of my job😢....love you both❤
Hi Nancy, you do such a special job 🌹 people like you are angels taking care of others, it would be very difficult when they finally go 😞 thank you for all you do 🙏💚💚
When I came into my moms hospital room after she passed. When the nurse told me she passed. Of course I threw myself on my mom. The nurse asked if I wanted privacy and her to leave. I said no she stayed while i weeped, and gently placed her hand on my back. They gave us hours to spend time with her afterwards. ❤
That's so kind of the nurse It sounds like your mom was we cared for in her last days 😞❤️❤️
Loved the story of the guy sat on the couch at the party, best way to go!
Hi Rachael, thanks it's a good one made us all laugh at the time the family were so very lovely. Take care 💚💚
My friends brother passed away a few years ago in a hospice her sister went crazy and wouldn’t let them take him down to the hospices cold store facility.. so they let them sit with him for quite a while when they came to eventually take him down.. they removed his pillows and his head/neck had set to slightly upright (Rigor mortis had set in) which made her sister freak even more…. When she told me what had happened she laughed and said FFS James only in my family… even though she was devastated she still saw the funny side as she knew her brother would have found it equally as funny! 😂❤ again thanks for being so frank and sensitive to this question.. take care xx
Hi James, thank you for sharing, this happens so many times when we get called long after death move the pillow and Luke you said rigor mortis has set in and the head is raised up and sometimes there is 2 or 3 pillows under the head 🤦♀️
Sad that your friend lost her brother 😔 take good care 💚💚
Interestingly there would be some Māori and Pacific Island communities who would want to take their loved ones home overnight. I work in a Palliative care hospital and there is such a variety of family reactions which are sometimes very complicated. It must be so hard for families during COVID where only a few people are allowed in to the hospital. At least we have a morgue but it is nicer for family to be with their loved one after death than when they have been to the morgue. The calming of a situation is so important, and that is where the nursing staff are just amazing- they do all the heavy work and then take on the emotional needs of patients and family- just amazing❤️
Hi Esme, yes all family are different and sone cultural rituals play a big part at time of death. Thank you for your lovely comments, take good care 💚💚
I heard a story from a mother that lost her 2 month old baby to SIDS, they drove to the funeral home behind them. They did something to delay the decomp and they got to bring the baby home and they got to sleep together with the baby one last night 😢 so kind. They said it was the last time they’ve gotten a full night sleep since 😢 I believe they were some type of ethnicity like mentioned above, the kind from Tasmania/Australia sorry I forget what that is
I've been told by several family members about when my great grandmother passed away. My grandma was an only child. She took her mother's death hard. At the graveside my grandma tried to climb into the grave with her mom. Truly heartbreaking. Eventually she worked through her grief.
It can be so very hard to let go 😞 thank you for sharing your story. Having family, friends and good support around you will always help, take good care 💚💚
Tracy,you have a lovely face and natural calmness about you. I'd be so thankful if you were the person sent to help me through something like this. So respectful and caring.
Thank you for your lovely kind words 🙏 it is truly very hard when we have to do this. You take good care 😊💚💚
I love hearing that story of the chap at the party, just how I'd like to go. I hope who transfers me is as respectful as you. Another lovely one ladies 😍😍
Thank you as always Lauraine 💚💚
That story at the end reminds me of the movie weekend at Bernie’s . Thanks ladies. I’m sure you help a lot of people with your chats about what goes on.
Hi Xurvala, yes definitely a weekend at Bernie's 😉
Thank you so much take care 💚💚
I know how it feels like not wanting to let go of a loved one because its your final goodbye but as time goes by it gets easier
You are so right Natalie. We just never realised at the time, you think this pain will never leave you but it does ease. Take care 💚💚
Grief is the price of love, mom always said that. Great episode T&T
And that's so true 💔❤️
Thank you xxx
I think you need to do a Christmas Special of out-takes and maybe give us subscribers an insight into what has you in fits of giggles at the start of some videos.
This was a great video.
Anyone who has done a conflict resolution course will recognise the training Tracy mentioned.
Grief is a powerful emotion for some it can be overwhelming. Add drugs/alcohol into the equation and it must be very difficult sometimes but a necessary part of the job.
Hi Steve, may think about doing that 😉
Thank you hope you are all good 😚💚💚
What a smart approach. When my mother taught kindergarten she was instructed to speak very quietly. I think we all tend to listen when we can’t hear words. It’s instinctual to stop a minute to tune in. My strong brave sister-in-law would not let go of her mother as they tried to close the casket. In 34 years I’ve not seen her lose control of her emotions. Well said ladies.
Thank you, yes it can be so hard for some in a time of grieve. Thank you for sharing take care 💚💚
I've been binge watching all your videos since I found your channel. I don't know why, I have learned from all your videos - but this one hit me the hardest- this one really brought me to tears with how well you treat the family after, and just how influential you are to the whole experience of one of the hardest days of someone's life.
Thank you so much 🙏💚
Wow, this was so sad. Thank you for this one, Stay safe ladies
Spending hugs 🤗💚💚
I like the intro and think you should keep it!! You look great!!
That's sweet.
Thank you x
Another great discussion! Thank you ladies!
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You are amazing. I've never thought of those situations you have to deal with. And loved the story of the deceased person in the middle of the party. Hilarious😆
Thank you Kathy 💚
Yes hard to believe but we do have some funny little stories. That particular family were so lovely made are job that night a special one I will never forget. 💚💚
I worked as a night staff nurse on a very busy medical ward many years ago. A lady was very ill in a side room. Her next of kin were her two sisters who had travelled a long way to be with her. They were staying in the relatives room outside the ward. Anyway as was expected the lady passed away in the early hours of the morning. I always thought it was nicer to tidy the room and get rid of all the medical equipment to make it as peaceful as possible for relatives. The doctor arrived to certify the death.The two ladies waited outside while we combed their sister’s hair and made the room nice with just one low light in there and the flowers on her bedside locker.
We then let them back into the room and I made them a pot of tea. They sat there chatting and laughing and reminiscing about their childhood etc.
They were in no rush to go. I kept popping in to ask if they needed anything. I made a few pots of tea that night. And toast.
We had empty beds on the ward so there wasn’t the need to perform ‘last offices’ on the lady to free up the bed (as was sometimes sadly the case).
Eventually after about 4 hours I suggested that the ladies might like to go to their room for a rest - telling them that they could see their sister in the Chapel of Rest later if that’s what they would like. They were lovely and thanked us all warmly for allowing them the time to be with their sister.
Often at night it’s possible to do this as the ward is not as busy as it is during the day. You can’t always provide the service you would like but when you can it means a lot.
It's a beautiful thing to give them the time and space to let go when they are ready. This is often rushed unnecessarily ♥️
Hi T&T, thanks for a great chat. Take care and stay safe!
Hi Mary, thank you we will and you too 💚💚
I’m in Canada and when my grandpa died they told us approximately how long once they make the call the funeral home takes, then we got to tell them when we were done and felt comfortable to call the funeral home! The home he was in was very understanding
Thank you for sharing 🤗
It's good to hear other funeral homes are caring too. Sorry for the loss of your grandpa 😔 take care 💚💚
We have lost quite a few family members, neighbours, friends, close ones within the last 2-3 years. I believe no funeral home had ever offered us help or assistance with clothing etc. I mean, none asked if we'd like to have our share in this procedure as a kind of last goodbye.
That's sad 😢
Maybe in the future you can ask the question about being more involved in the care. 💜💜
Tracy, I really appreciate your method of transfer. My dear mother passed away after years of suffering, needless to say, my daughter grieved very hard, at the homegoing service the mortician in charge would not allow my daughter a second or third kiss from her dear grandmother. This particular funeral home prior to this incident was in charge of at least 100 of our family members throughout the years. They lost our respect and business that day about 10 years ago. I would love to have some feedback on this situation. Who is at fault? A grieving teenager or a licensed funeral director, with at least 20 plus years experience?
That was a great question. As always Trish and Tracy, you did a beautiful job of answering it
Thank you Neil 😍💚💚
Hello lovely ladies, I have recently found your amazing channel. Thank you for helping us learn more about this important subject. I have so much respect and appreciation for people who answer their calling to become a Mortician ❤ And Tracy, it is clear to see that you put so much love, care and respect into what you do for both the deceased and their families ❤
Welcome to the channel, thank you so very much for your kind words 🙏 💚💚
As always, great work! Love you guys.
Thank you so much David 😚💚💚
Another great and sensitive video ladies.xx
Thank you Marie 😚💚💚
My mum's best friend had 3 sons the 14 year old had cancer lost one leg he was in hospital with his mum beside him he died when she was with him the cancer spread all over his body his older brother I got to be friends with he asked me to go to his funeral I was not expecting what he did he jumped in to to the hole on top of his brothers coffin wanting to get him back he was wailing in torment so heartbreaking very sad he could not live with out his little brother 3 years later he killed himself in his car he wanted to be with his brother again so awfull shocking there poor mum loosing one son to cancer another by suicide I can not imagine what she went threw
Hi Jacqueline, that's a very sad story 😔 so sorry to hear, take care 💚
thanks for another awesome video! Hope you all are well!
Thank you Devin, we are both well 💚💚
@@Areyoudyingtoknow yw :)
I found it hard to leave my dog when i had her pts 😢
So very sorry to hear 😔 take good care 💚💚
Hi Ladies Happy Friday!Thanks For sharing!🌻🎆🌻
Happy Friday to you too 😊💚🌹
I'm in a nursing home in the USA. About a month ago a resident died. She died at about 6am. Her body didn't get removed until 2pm because her daughter came here intoxicated and made a big scene. She was crying and wouldn't let them take the body. I was told she was crying over the body. The other residents were getting upset because she kept going out to her car to drink more. Eventually she left but it was very distressing.
Oh no that is so distressing for the others to see 😔
How awful for you all. ❤️
Love the videos you lady’s upload!! So educational thank you so much. I was wondering if you could touch the subject of suicide. Specifically hanging- whats the aftermath of the body like? What is the process like to restore? New subscriber!!! 👍🏻
Hi Skylar, Wellcome to the channel ☺️ & thank you for your kind words 🙏
We will think about that one, it's such a sensitive topic and far to many people choose to take they own lives 😔 thank you for your suggestion, you take good care 😚 💚💚
Good day beautiful ladies. Have a wonderful weekend and stay safe.
Hello George, thank you so much 💚 you take care too have a great week 💚💚
Love you guys!!❤
🥰🥰❤️❤️
I work as a caregiver in a nursing home. We don’t call the funeral home until the family is done.
Hi Karen, it's the same here we won't be called till that family tell the staff to call us. But often the family stay until we arrive and I think this is when they release it's finally time to let go 😔 can be very hard and terrible sad.
Thank you from your comments take care 💚💚
I love your Chanel you are such a sweet pretty lady my daddy died at home when they came to get him two strong men had a hard time moving him I had to grab his feet to help transfer they were quiet and nice but I thought it strange two men couldn't move him my dad was 6ft 1 but very skinny. We did have a lot of time with him after another thing hospice nurse wanted to know if we wanted him washed we weren't in our right mind we said yes but he was in living room hospital bed she stripped him in front of everyone my dad would not have wanted that but it was on us for decision
So very sorry to hear you lost your daddy😞 sending you our deepest condolences to you and your family 🌹🌹
Sounds like a bit more sensitivity should have been used during his bed bath.
Take good care and look after yourself 💚💚
Love you two.
🥰💚💚
After a loved one's graveside service I had some curiosities--
When cremated remains are buried instead of being kept or scattered, do the same guidelines apply for interment?
For instance, here in the United States regulations state that a traditional body in a coffin must be buried in a vault, at least 6 feet under.
So if cremated remains (in an urn) are buried in the ground, in a public cemetery how deep do they bury it and is it buried alone or in some kind of vault to protect the urn?
Thanks in advance...
I've been really curious partly because I'm trying to make certain decisions for myself in the future.
Hi Michael, here in Queensland Australia the average depth is 3 foot deep. It's best to check with your local cemetery because each one might have slightly different regulations to the other. Hope that helps a little, take care 😊💚💚
We like the intro!!!!! Itscute
Thank you 🤗💚💚
Beautiful 😢😢😊
Thank you 🤗❤️❤️
Thanks guys! , what about from the other side of a funeral with like payment .. ever have anyone get angry about fees & costs ?
Hi Andy, a good one to think about. Yes people have been upset and angry over costs before. Thanks for your suggestion 😚💚💚
When my husband passed away we only had 5 hours of viewing before his service and after that they let me stay about another hour to be with him.
Hi Mona, we are both very sorry to hear you have lost your husband 😔 sending you our deepest condolences. Thank you for sharing, take good care 💚💚
Is there a video where you talk about how you got together, since I understand your jobs domains differ quite a bit except for the initial "m" - massage and mortuary :) Also , how you got the idea of starting this amazing channel etc. If there is no such video, would you like to share the story? Of course I understand if you prefer to keep it pricate and only deal with subject related questions, fully fine with that also :)
Hi, yes we do have a video on the subject, maybe you may stumble across it sometime 🤗💜
Hi lovely ladies I just love your videos. You said that you can tell when decomp has started by a green color at the appendix site but what if your appendix have been removed would it still turn a greenish color?
Hi Jane, thank you for your kind words 🙏💚
Yes the abdomen lower area will break down in a similar area even without the appendix, this is because it's where our intestines sit and we have billions of bacteria just waiting to do its job of breaking down the body fast after death. It funny but after years of doing this job I can always smell green on a body before I see it, the green has a distinctive smell.
Thank you for your question, take care 💚💚
You need to trade mark that saying hope you lovely ladies are well x
🤣 maybe we do 😉 thanks Nicola 💚💚
Shame if someone took that as you guys he d worked on the designs as well you don't want people to steal your work x
That's so true we did a lot of work on the logo. Thanks 👍 💚
I have questions about the party where the guy died. What was the circumstances of that? Like was he expected to die or was he with people he didn't know so that's why it wasn't such a heavy feeling moment.
Hi, he was terminal and wanted to die at home with his family around him, he also wanted them to celebrate his life. Some family have different ways of coping with the death. Take care. xxx
Sweet
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Where does the blood go after embalming?
Gr8 story
Thanks Wendy 💚💚
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Hi Tracy 💚💚
Some people will always try to make it all about them. It's stressful for the mortuary and the family members. It's annoying and troublesome to everyone, but there are 'death Karens.'
Thank you for your comments Elizabeth 😊💚💚